Recently, a friend shared a quote about not waiting to express love at her grave, but rather sharing that love now, while she’s alive.

Taking Loved Ones for Granted

In our busy-ness, we often taken people for granted.

I feel I appreciate Kent. However, a recent business trip reminded me how much he truly does in our life together. When you live with another person for any length of time, you fall into a rhythm. You agree on a division of chores. Each person brings his/her own abilities to the mix, and hopefully those abilities balance out.

• One person may be better at cleaning whereas the other person might be better at cooking.
• One person might be more diligent about remembering to maintain the autos on a regular basis and another might be better about making sure there is food in the house.

However, over time, you may fall into a comfortable dance of everything just getting done, without much thought to what part your partner or family members are playing in all the tasks being completed.

Doing the Work of Two

Kent rarely travels without me, so this recent business trip threw me off a little bit. I had to think about all the daily tasks he typically does and add those to my own task list. By the morning of the day after he left, I was filled with gratitude that he would be home in a couple days. I was a little overwhelmed trying to remember all of “his tasks” in addition to my own. It was another reminder to appreciate the people in my life now.

Appreciate the Living Now

Death is a part of life. We can communicate with loved ones after death, but as I’ve repeatedly stated, it’s not the same. It’s wonderful compared to the alternative of never being able to communicate with a loved one after the body dies, but it’s still not the same as communicating with your loved one while he/she is living.

If you’re lucky enough to have living loved ones whom you appreciate, tell them. Show them. Don’t miss the dead at their graveside because you didn’t take the time to love them and spend time with them when they were living.

Remember the Dead

If you’re grieving today, I encourage you to remember your loved one fondly—not for the grand gestures, but rather for the small gestures. Feel gratitude for the time you did have together, even though it is never enough.

The post Missing the Living appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

I’m not much of a baseball fan and I know very little about the game. The only baseball games I’ll watch are if I can sit in the bleachers on a warm day. However, baseball batting averages are a good analogy for career success.

Highest Single Season Batting Average

Hugh Duffy has the best batting average* in a single year of .440 and he accomplished this feat in 1894. In other words, 56% of the time that Hugh was at bat, he did NOT make it to first base. Additionally, this is such an amazing accomplishment, that his record still stands more than 120 years after he set this record!

Acceptable Baseball Batting Averages

We consider a baseball player who is “batting three-hundred” to be an accomplished player. If we want to be harsh, that’s failure 70% of the time, but in baseball that is the definition of success.

However, for the rest of our lives, we don’t consider a 30% or 44% success-rate exemplary or even acceptable. Both would be failing letter grades in school. In baseball, you’re wrong more often than you’re right.

Acceptable Non-Baseball Career Successes

Outside of baseball, we expect a much higher success-rate. In fact, most of us expect the people who provide services in our lives to be right all of the time. Do we have realistic expectations for what percentage of the time we expect the people in our lives to be perfect?

Is it realistic to expect a professional of any ilk to “bat a thousand”?

That would be a perfect score.

Every day.

Every time.

Obviously, the answer is no.

That is not realistic.

Focused Best Effort By All

In baseball (like a lot of professions) there are at least 2 people involved in the outcome.

The batter can control his actions, but he doesn’t know what is going to be (literally) thrown his way. He has to react to whatever is presented, in the best manner he can. Additionally, the batter has to be focused on the game. He has to try his best to put other aspects of his life—worries about his career, thoughts of his family, and concerns about his aching shoulder—completely out of his mind so he can focus on the ball sailing toward him.

The pitcher has a separate set of concerns. The pitcher has to both focus on the batter and keep an eye on the outfield. He, like the batter, has to put other aspects of his life completely out of his mind.

Even though each player is coming to the game with different perspectives, training, and concerns, both players come together to try to do their best with every single pitch and every single time at bat. And their best is generally within the 30-40% range of success.

Why the Baseball Analogy?

Why is a psychic medium writing about baseball batting averages?

Because in my career as a psychic medium, there were times I had a session with a client that was disappointing. The potential reasons for a disappointing reading may originate from me, the sitter, outside influences, or a combination of all three. There are numerous reasons including illness, fatigue, technology, distractions, lack of openness, lack of preparation, grief, etc.

For any percentage to have relevancy, you need a large data sample to analyze. Since I was on sabbatical for much of 2016, I will present data from the previous year. In 2015, Kent and I exhibited at 9 psychic fairs. I provided 207 readings over the 17 days of fairs. Of the readings provided, 8 didn’t go well (3.86%). I was either unable to effectively connect with the sitter and/or the sitter didn’t accept any of the information that was translated as accurate. In these cases, a refund was given, but disappointment was felt on both sides of the table. Unfortunately, instead of focusing on the number of successful readings I provided at fairs that year, initially I fixated on the readings that didn’t go well. I think this is a common human tendency. Instead of focusing on our successes in life, we focus on our failures—even when our successes far outnumber our failures.

During my tenure as a psychic medium, in an effort to improve my services and strive to be perfect, I spent considerable time analyzing WHY the few readings that didn’t go well were unsuccessful. I wanted to ascertain what (if anything) I could have done differently to ensure a better outcome. In some cases, there was nothing I could have done differently. In other readings, I just missed the mark for a variety of reasons. In those cases, I learned to be compassionate with myself for the disappointing outcomes.

1.00 Versus .961

Even though my “batting average” for the fairs in 2015 was .961 (96%), I was disappointed by the 8 readings that didn’t go well, as were the sitters. My disappointment led me to think about the fact that sometimes in this work, it seems the expectation is to be perfect every single time—to effectively “bat a thousand”.

Of course when I was providing individual readings, I wanted to provide useful information every single time, and just like the pitcher and the batter, I aimed to provide my best service every time, but sometimes it just didn’t work out. I don’t have any control over Spirit or the sitter. Yet, both are integrally important to my receiving accurate information that can be translated during a reading. Additionally, sometimes outside influences impact my vibration and subsequently my connection with Spirit. But if the best baseball player EVER can only manage .440, then shouldn’t .961 be acceptable for me?

After thinking through these disappointing readings using the baseball analogy, I was able to show myself a little compassion and acceptance. Am I still disappointed that I wasn’t able to  provide a good reading to every single client who crossed my path? Sure. For the person who didn’t receive a good reading, their perspective of my batting overage is 0. If I were the sitter, I wouldn’t really care that most other people received good readings.

However, not having a perfect “batting average” is a great life-lesson. Seeing my own imperfection helps to keep me humble and also to be more compassionate toward others. I would hope that when I receive a service from someone that isn’t their best performance, even though they have put forth their best effort, that I am compassionate.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

I want you to cut yourself some slack for not achieving your very best every single minute of every single day. We should all still aim to achieve that goal, but when we fall short, I think it’s really important to be gracious and kind with ourselves and others.

I feel we are faced with a lot of opportunities in life to show compassion to ourselves and others. My goal is to assume best intent and maximum effort in all cases, unless I have evidence to the contrary.

*In baseball, the batting average (BA) is defined by the number of hits divided by at bats. It is usually reported to three decimal places and pronounced as if it were multiplied by 1,000: a player with a batting average of .300 is “batting three-hundred.” –Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batting_average

The post Psychic Medium Reading Batting Averages appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

Communities Built on Common Ground

I think the majority of people are most comfortable spending time with others who are similar to them in some way. Communities are born and strengthened by common ground. The communities I’m referring to may be geographical—as in a reference to the people who live near you—or intellectual—as in a book club—or emotional—as in a reference to a group of people of a common religion or based upon some other common denominator.

Interpersonal Relationships Built by Common Bonds

This common ground may extend to a common bond among people that serves as the foundation for a relationship. Interpersonal relationships are important and are strengthened by some kind of common bond. That bond may be inherent (e.g., family) or selected (e.g., friends). That bond may be short-term (e.g., the nurses that care for you during a difficult illness) or long-term (e.g., your spouse or life partner).

In some relationships, we only focus on one purpose or belief that is common (e.g., the nurse attending to your medical needs wants to provide you with good medical care and you want her/him to provide you with good medical care). In other relationships, we desire the person to share multiple common aspects, and be “like-minded”.

Like-Minded; Possibly Similar, But Not Identical

As our bond grows with a person with whom we share common beliefs, we may begin believing this person is truly “like-minded”. We may fall into a fallacy of assuming that the person has identical thoughts, beliefs, desires, etc. to our own. This fallacy creates two significant issues:

1. When we expect someone to live up to being “just like us” we create the potential for disappointment and discord.
2. When we surround ourselves with people who are “like-minded” we create a false world where only the thoughts, beliefs, and desires that are similar or identical to our own are understood. This myopic focus then skews our worldview.

“Like-Minded” Disillusionment

I’ve experienced the disappointment and discord brought on by the assumptions born of “like-minded” thinking firsthand when I became a psychic medium. I assumed friends whom I had known for years would accept this new facet of my life and even embrace it, because I had chosen to embrace it.

Some did.

Some did not.

“Like-Minded” Myopia

The most divisive examples of “like-minded” myopia are found in the headlines of the world, often in politics. People driven by the ideals of a specific political party or a specific social agenda are focused only on their beliefs. The other side of the argument oftentimes isn’t even in a person’s awareness, let alone understood by someone mired in their own beliefs.

Unity is not Harmonious

Although the world seems to be in a constant state of dividing into two or more “sides” or “factions” based on opposing viewpoints on issues, the goal of many religions and spiritual seekers is unity.

Oneness.

Love.

Yet, many people are choosing a path of separate because diversity of thought is portrayed as unacceptable. A desire for harmony is proclaimed, but that harmony comes at a cost of loss for one belief and a win for the other belief.

Unified thought should not be the goal. That is not unity and it is not harmony. That is tyranny.

Non-Judgment and Acceptance

I was recently presented with the concept of not passing judgment and acceptance of one another as the path to unity. These concepts are not interchangeable, but rather individual stepping stones to unity.

• By first not passing judgment on another’s beliefs, the first step is taken.
• The second, more difficult step, is to actually accept one another.

In my perspective, this acceptance doesn’t necessarily involve change of mindset, but it certainly involves a change of heart.

If I accept others who hold beliefs that are anathema to me without passing judgment, that is the real test of love, and the path to unity.

The post The Fallacy of “Like-Minded” People appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

The thrill of the open road gives some people a peaceful sense of calm.

Some people yearn to drive aimlessly for hours just for the joy of driving.

I’m not one of those people.

I’m not a big fan of driving.

I’ve never enjoyed driving for long distances. City driving is a necessary task, so it’s not that big of a deal to me. However, when I think of going to a distant location, I always consider whether or not I can FLY to that location, or if I have to DRIVE to that location.

Last weekend I found myself behind the wheel for a 2.5 hour drive to visit a friend. Kent helped me get all my accoutrements organized (e.g., snacks, music, mobile phone, etc.) and I was on my way.

Now that I’m a medium, I do use my alone time on road trips to communicate with Spirit. I always call in God, Archangel Michael, and the sundry spirits that are connected with me—mostly dead loved ones.

In addition to ensuring my safety, my spirit friends entertain me on my road trips. I give my spiritual team full use of the music play list and they never disappoint. They will cause songs to be played that make me laugh, cry, and feel certain that I am loved and supported by all of them.

Last weekend, as they all entertained me, I got the vision of a clown car at a circus. I haven’t seen one in decades and sadly I couldn’t find one to include with this post. But the vision was clear. A “clown car” at a circus is generally a small car that is driven into the main area and then clowns start getting out of the vehicle. The audience is amazed and amused at the number of clowns that have somehow squeezed themselves into the small car. My car was filled with my loved ones in spirit, and so it made me think of a clown car—filled with dead loved ones. Jumbled together, yet somehow they all had enough space. I am so grateful for my clown car full of spirits!

The post A Clown Car Full of Spirits appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

Today, in this continuing series of blogs on self care during a period of grief, I discuss the category of Solitary Activities. If you missed the last post about the importance of Exercising, click here.

Find Yourself

After the death of a close loved one (e.g., spouse, partner, parent, child) you may lose your identity a little bit. You may have identified yourself as the spouse/partner of your dead loved one, or the parent of your dead loved one, or the child of your dead loved one.

Now that the person who you defined yourself by is dead, you may question who you are.

You may not remember who you are without your loved one, so let me remind you…

THIS is Who You Are

• You are awesome.
• You are the best friend you’ll ever have.
• You are living in the only body made specifically for your soul for this lifetime.

Grieving: Finishing the Previous Chapter / Beginning the Next Chapter

As you begin to live the next chapter of your life, you may need some time alone to think—to consider who you want to be and what you want to do in this next life chapter. You also need to metaphorically finish writing your last chapter so you can move into the future.

In my opinion, the only way to (metaphorically) finish writing your previous life chapter and begin writing your next life chapter is to spend some time alone.

Finding time for introspection and for engaging in solitary activities that bring you joy will help heal your grief.

Solitary Activities

Here are a few suggestions to consider:

• Sleep.
• Read.
• Communicate with your dead loved one.
• Go to a movie.
• Walk.
• Meditate.
• Listen to music.
• Dance.
• Cry.
• Work in the yard or garden.
• Journal your thoughts.
• Sing.
• Watch a funny sitcom.

Depression and Grief

Although it can be cathartic to spend some time alone, it is easy to fall into a depressed state and isolate yourself after a death. Every person is different. Listen to your body and mind and give yourself the time you need alone, but also find ways to engage with other living people. Your dead loved one wants you to LIVE. Comfort yourself, but don’t remove yourself from the world of the living.

The post Grieving Self Care Tip: Solitary Activities appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

Today, in this continuing series of blogs on self care during a period of grief, I discuss the category of Exercising. If you missed Friday’s post about the importance of healthy Eating and Drinking, click here.

Move Through Your Grief

Our bodies are pretty extraordinary. If we support our natural healing, amazing results can occur. Exercise doesn’t need to be some structured activity in a gym (although it can be) the only requirement for exercise is to MOVE.

When we’re grieving, it’s sometimes difficult to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or move off the couch. As a result, the idea of exercising while grieving may seem completely unattainable. However, like so many things in life, it’s possible, if we just start small.

Here are some ideas to get you started moving:

• Park at the edge of the parking lot and walk a little further to the store of your destination.
• Dance to a favorite song.
• Get down on the floor and play with a child.
• Walk around a park.
• Bike to work.
• Strap on ankle weights before you clean the house.
• Swim at your local activity center.
• Hike in nature.
• Stretch or practice yoga as you watch a guidance video on proper technique.
• Use a step counter to record how many steps you’re making in an average day. Aim to achieve at least 10,000 steps.
• Lift weights in your living room.
• Take the stairs instead of the elevator.
• March in place or pace back and forth when you’re talking on the telephone.

Relax and Allow Others to Move You

Movement doesn’t have to involve YOU moving your body. You can also pamper yourself a little bit by having someone else move your body (or the energy within your body) to help flush toxins out of your system and facilitate the flow of lymph:

• Enjoy a massage (deep tissue, lymphatic, reflexology, Thai Yoga, or other modality).
• Invigorate your energetic flow with acupuncture, Reiki, therapeutic touch, sound healing, crystal healing, light healing, or some other energetic healing modality.
• Realign your body with chiropractic, craniosacral therapy, or some other alignment modality.

When we’re grieving, movement of any kind is important to support our immune systems and help flush out accumulated toxins from bad food choices, stress, and emotional upheaval.

The post Grieving Self Care Tip: Exercising appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

As I explained in yesterday’s blog self care is vitally important all of the time, but especially when you’re grieving. In today’s blog, I will discuss the category of Eating and Drinking.

When grieving, we may have no appetite or we may crave comfort from food. Even if we know we should make healthy food choices, sometimes the effort of buying and preparing a meal is more than we can muster.

Eating Comfort Food While Grieving

Many of us seek comfort from food. When we’re grieving, we may seek comfort from food to try to stay afloat in our sea of pain. Unfortunately, traditionally comforting foods are generally not healthy foods. For the first week or so after a death, if you need to take a break from eating healthy and indulge in some comfort through food, don’t criticize yourself for this choice. You may not want to eat at all. Loss of appetite is sometimes associated with shock and grief. But you need to eat. Therefore, don’t worry too much about WHAT you’re eating, just eat. Eat what you want. If that means you’re eating a lot of ice cream, mashed potatoes, and bacon, so be it.

Choosing Healthy Food While Grieving

However, you don’t want to live in comfort food land forever because comfort foods are not only full of fat and sugar but these foods (because of the high sugar / carbohydrate content) may also lead to depressed moods.

After the first week or so, limiting the comforting foods and focusing on more healthy choices is a way to help your body and mind feel in control. One of the most frustrating feelings after a loved one’s death is a feeling of powerlessness and a lack of control. By making healthy food choices, your sense of control regarding things that are appropriately within your control can give you strength.

Cooking While Grieving Can Be Hard

After the death of a loved one, especially a loved one for whom you were a caregiver, cooking may become especially challenging. Instead of cooking for two, you’re now cooking for one. Sometimes even the thought of trying to cook takes more effort than you can muster. So how can you break the cycle of eating comfort food when you’re not in the mood to cook or even shop for groceries?

Food Delivery Services

Here are a few food suggestions:

• Grocery Store Delivery. Many grocery stores deliver. You can generally shop on-line and have your groceries delivered to your door. Look for ready-made meals such as pre-made salads and other nutritious choices. If you desire prepackaged frozen entrees, focus on brands and meals that are high in protein, low in carbohydrates and have a maximum of 300-400 calories per entree. If you don’t know where to start, look for meals that are labeled as “paleo” or “high protein”.
• Meal Delivery Services (You Prepare). There are A LOT of options in the meal delivery service industry. You order meals that sound good to you on-line and then the ingredients are shipped to your door in a container filled with your fresh meat, vegetables, and a lot of ice packs. You then prepare and cook each meal in your own kitchen. Examples in this space include: Blue Apron, Green Chef, Hello Fresh, Home Chef, and Munchery (to name a few). Kent and I have found these services to be a lot of fun because we are able to try interesting and tasty entrees. These meal delivery services are also practical for us, because it forces me to cook when I’m not in the mood because the alternative to cooking is the food will go bad. There is a lot of competition in this space right now, so it’s easy to find coupons and special offers for new customers. Sometimes the offers are on the company websites, some of the meal delivery service companies offer special deals through marketing services like Groupon. As a loyal subscriber to these services, I can gift free food to a few people. I’m happy to share until my codes run out! Please contact me to request a code.
• Meal Delivery Services (Pre-Packaged). There are also meal delivery services that send prepackaged frozen meals to your door and all you need to do is warm in a microwave. There are a lot of examples in this space, but I haven’t tried any of them, so I can’t provide any brand suggestions. If this is of interest, search for “paleo delivery” or “frozen meals home delivery”.
• Restaurant Delivery. You can also have meals delivered from restaurants in your area, but it may be more difficult to find healthy alternatives. Try to focus on salads and lean meats when you’re selecting entrees for delivery.

Healthy food will help you to feel better emotionally and to weather the grief storm without also having to deal with illness. Stay away from sugar and alcohol as much as possible.

…which leads me to…

Beverage Suggestions

• Water.
• Lemon Water.

Lots of fresh water helps to flush out toxins—adding lemon (without a sweetener!) can help facilitate the process.

When you’re grieving, you have a lot of emotional “toxic waste” that needs to be expelled. Work that lymphatic system by drinking lots and lots of water.

The post Grieving Self Care Tip: Eating and Drinking appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

In this recent blog, I mentioned the importance of self care while grieving. This topic is so important, I decided to write more about self care in today’s blog.

What is “Self Care”?

First, what exactly do I mean by the term “self care”?

“Self care” literally means care of the self.

Grief Dependence

Like most people, I enjoy having someone else take care of things from time to time. It’s nice when someone else makes dinner, fills the car with gas, goes grocery shopping, buys tickets to an event, calls to see I’m doing, sends me a card/letter/email, etc.

For some people, during the initial period of mourning, it’s nice to have someone else make ALL the decisions, because nothing makes sense. But as competent adults, having someone else make every decision for us is not a sustainable situation long-term.

Grief Self-Reliance

It’s nice to depend on others from time to time, but we also need to rely on ourselves. For an introvert like me, in times of grief, it’s even more important to be self-reliant.

However, regardless of whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you need to take good care of yourself to your best ability at all times, but especially when you’re grieving.

Caring for Yourself

How do you care for yourself?

• Self care is demonstrating loving kindness toward yourself in the thoughts you think, the words you speak, and in the actions in which you engage. (e.g., I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I love myself. I feed myself nutritious food.)
• Self care is nurturing yourself. (e.g., I am my own cheerleader. I applaud my achievements and encourage myself when I am disappointed with the outcomes of events.)
• Self care is showing yourself grace, compassion, and patience. (e.g., I understand when I am sad and I am not able to operate at my usual best due to my grief.)
• Self care is specific to the individual—what might work well for me, may not work well for you.
• Self care is ESSENTIAL to healing.

Categories of Self Care

As I mention above, self care is specific to the individual. Following are a few categories that you might explore in your care of self.

• Eating and Drinking
• Exercising
• Solitary Activities

In future posts, I’ll delve into each of these categories to provide suggestions on how you can take good care of yourself within each category.

The post Caring for Yourself as You Grieve appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

Depending on the person asking the question or the day the question is asked, my answer may vary.

Some days I’m not doing great.

Everything is overwhelming. EVERYTHING.

Other days, I feel like we’ve got things surprisingly under control.

Some days I’m angry.

Some days I’m sad.

Some days I’m tired.

Some days I am just meh.

Some days I feel great.

My emotions are obviously tied to my grief and empathy for my family’s grief. But my emotions are also tied to a lot of other things. My emotions are tied to health concerns for someone close to me. My emotions are tied to all the hate, anger, angst, etc. on display in our world right now. My emotions are tied to eating foods that are good for me and exercising.

I’m so grateful for the many kind people who have reached out to me and Kent in the last several weeks to simply ask, “How are you doing?”

Regardless of my reply, I appreciate the kind gesture of the solicitation.

“Thank you for asking!”

So, if you have a friend who is grieving (or depressed, or facing an illness, or just needs a little extra care), and you don’t know what to say or do, maybe you can start by asking, “How are you doing?” Let your friend take the lead by his/her response. If the response is “Fine.” It’s an indication that the person probably doesn’t want to talk right now…but don’t stop asking. Checking in with someone demonstrates that you care about them, and may be more important and meaningful than you realize.

The post How Are You Doing? appeared first on Eclectic Horizons.

Sage Advice

My great-grandmother used to say,

“If you don’t like what you see, then look the other way.”

I see a lot of things I don’t like.

• When I read Facebook posts I don’t agree with or I find distasteful, I typically just hide and move on.
• When I see television content that is shocking, violent, hateful, deceitful, forcing an agenda, or in some other way offensive to me, I turn the channel or turn off the television.
• When I encounter someone who is basically an automaton, repeating talking points which are based on no facts, partial facts, or outright lies instead of expressing their own well-researched, reasoned arguments, I try not to engage.

Where is the Path of Least Resistance?

As I age, conflict bothers me more and more. Therefore, I try to avoid it whenever I can. Discord of any kind causes me to feel emotional pain—even when I’m not one of the parties to the argument.

At times, I find myself trying to weigh which is my “path of least resistance”.

• Speaking up about an issue I feel needs to be addressed, OR
• Ignoring the issue and moving on with my day.

Although I find myself ignoring more often than engaging, neither choice offers a simple decision for me. Do I remain silent and endure my own self-criticism for inaction or do I speak up and open myself to ridicule from others?

Although my great-grandmother offered sage advice on the matter, I’m also reminded of the result of doing nothing being the triumph of bad over good, originally quoted as:

“Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends than that good men should look on and do nothing.”
-John Stuart Mill (1), in an address at the University of St. Andrews in 1867

Tolerance or Agreement?

Since I detest conflict, I find myself tolerating and ignoring a lot of behavior that I find objectionable, which begs the question: When does “tolerance” become “de facto agreement”?

• I am tolerant of views other than my own, but I may not AGREE with those views.
• I may understand someone’s viewpoint, but again, I may not AGREE with that viewpoint.
• If I ignore injustice, malice, and moral corruption am I actually accepting that behavior?

I don’t want to tolerate behavior that I feel is truly unacceptable. But I don’t have the need to destroy someone who has a differing viewpoint than my own nor do I desire to be potentially eviscerated for having a differing viewpoint.

I also struggle with the concept of judgment. Who decides what is RIGHT and what is WRONG?

Conflicting Feels About Conflict

Have I mentioned, I REALLY hate conflict?

Especially conflict based on faulty presumptions, partial facts, outright lies, and twisting a situation to force an agenda.

I don’t want to engage in conflict because it brings to the surface all the feelings I don’t want to feed—anger, impotence, injustice, lack of control, indignation, helplessness, etc.

However, whether I want to engage or not, I am constantly confronted with people who support causes without knowing the facts, spew vitriol toward people who disagree with their viewpoint, and share content that is visually upsetting. Although I try to ignore and disengage from these visual, written, and oral assaults, the anger affects me whether I engage or not.

People angrily and belligerently show their support for a cause (or person, or event) instead of rationally explaining their support.

People are more interested in pointing out our differences than in looking for similarities.

I understand the need to “do something” that will have a tangible impact, but I also agree with Thucydides (History of the Peloponnesian War):

 “I think the two things most opposed to good counsel are haste and passion; haste usually goes hand in hand with folly, passion with coarseness and narrowness of mind.”

So what does a person do to counteract the onslaught of upsetting messages, pictures, and video? Especially someone who is very sensitive by nature?

I don’t have the answers. I struggle with this a lot. I don’t generally speak out about topics fraught with conflict, because again, I don’t have a desire to engage conflict—especially when a differing opinion will only lead to an emotional argument instead of a spirited conversation based on facts.

Speaking Up; Speaking Out

However, I AM speaking up, because I want to encourage myself and others to start engaging in civil discourse and useful action.

• I want us to all stop engaging in activities that are not useful. Patting ourselves on our collective backs for “hash-tagging a cause” is not useful. If you want to help a cause, donate your time or your money to help. If you donate your time, please do so in a non-violent manner, not by inciting riots and destroying the property or lives of others. If you want others to help you do something tangible for your cause, share why this cause is important to you. Not in a confrontational manner and not by sharing pictures that you know will be upsetting to others, but in a manner that shows your passion for this particular cause and inspires others to embrace your cause.
• I want us all to acknowledge that none of us have all the answers. I have learned much from others and I still have much to learn from others. I’d also like to believe that I have much to teach others. If we disagree about something, help me understand your point of view. Use your “inside voice” and your most nurturing method of communication to explain your perspective. We may still disagree when we part ways, but hopefully our encounter will have given us both something to think about and our lives will be richer for the experience.
• I want us to all stop taking on the role of judge and jury. If you’re not a party to a court case (e.g., plaintiff, defendant, witness, lawyer, jury, judge, etc.) then you don’t have the right to pass judgment regarding the outcome. You weren’t there. You are not entitled to vilify any of the parties to that court case because you disagree with the verdict. You do not have access to all the facts. Therefore, you do not have the right to prosecute on social media the people involved in the crime. You always have the right to your opinion, of course, but you do not have the right to judge actions and spew vitriol about a situation of which you were not directly involved. This same approach applies to basically anything else that occurs that does not directly involve you. (e.g., tragedies, politics in any country other than your own, etc.) Kindly look away if you don’t like what you see here.

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1) Yale Book of Quotations, s.v. Burke, Edmund (entry 28) and Mill, John Stuart (entry 18). See Mill’s comment in context in Inaugural Address: Delivered to the University of St. Andrews, Feb. 1st, 1867 (London: Longmans, Green, Reader and Dyer, 1867), 24.

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