Eco Cajun Mama

Off to School

2022-08-14T13:52:00.004-05:00

This week, Ariana starts Pre-K and embarks on her school journey. And I am... not okay.

Although you know since the day they're born that they'll be off to school one day, it still hits hard when that "one day" arrives. I know that time will only seem to pass so much more quickly now, and that before I know it, she'll be heading off to college.

The start of school has been in the background of just about everything we've done this summer. This was the last summer with our "little" girl. We didn't go on a vacation (which, deep down, I feel like I'll regret in the future), but we did try to make fun family memories each afternoon and on the weekends. We've had fun park days, fun pool days and fun visits to family and friends' houses.

She switched from in-home care to a daycare last fall and has truly thrived with her teacher and her little group of friends.

Earlier this year, I struggled very hard with wondering if we were doing her a disservice by enrolling her in Pre-K when she'll be one of the youngest in the class. I struggled with major guilt and second-guessing if we should've waited another year to start her. However, we had the chance to pursue a great opportunity for her, and I didn't want us to lose that opportunity.

I remember having a session with my therapist to work through that struggle, and I left feeling more confident that she would do just fine even if she is one of the youngest in her class. And the very next day, the school shooting in Uvalde happened. It shook me to my core, and way too often since then, I have felt apprehensive thinking about school. The thought of dropping her off each morning and then worrying every day about her safety is not one of the thoughts I want to have for the next 14 years.

So, I go into this week with a lot of trepidation, but am giving myself grace to feel everything, good and bad. It's been a tough emotional struggle, but I know that for me, the hardest part is worrying about what's to come. Once it's here, at least I'm able to handle it day by day.

All of that aside, I do know I'm extremely proud of my daughter for all that she's accomplished so far. She's been so adventurous and brave, and I enjoy watching her learn and conquer new skills. I know that she will enjoy 'big girl school'.

The other day, I told her I was excited for her to start Pre-K but that I was also sad she won't be so little anymore, and she said, "It's just going to be okay, Mama!" That's my sweet girl.

Back to Myself

2022-08-04T10:23:00.002-05:00

My journey back toward a regular exercise routine postpartum has had its share of bumps along the way. The struggle is real as a new first-time mom (working or not) to prioritize exercising and fitness. I remember back in 2019, after I was back at work, I couldn't bear to tear myself away in the evening to go to the gym. With my daughter going to a sitter, I wanted to soak up the evening hours as much as possible, and morning exercise just isn't my speed.

When the pandemic hit in 2020, that further threw off any sort of gym plans...and then I got pregnant again.

With two little ones and a full-time job, it's been hard to find a balance and a routine. In the summer of 2021, I attempted to follow an at-home postpartum exercise program. My first attempt only lasted about 5 weeks before I gave up. I attempted it a second time, and I laugh that a 12 week program took me probably 25 weeks to finish. And even so, I cheated on the program just enough to almost not even consider it completed.

This past May, when I did consider the program complete, I finally felt ready to get back to the gym. I finally felt ready to commit - whether it be a yoga class or my own cardio/weight evenings.

I remember feeling like a switch had flipped in me. My younger daughter was about 15 months, and both girls were on a good schedule with daycare and dinnertime. But something in me didn't feel as guilty leaving them for an hour in the evening, and that is SO freeing. There's no reason to feel guilty in the first place.

Beyond feeling ready, I've actually made the move and started going back to my favorite Power Yoga class at my gym. Every hour in that room and on my mat feels like I'm a little closer to my old self. My strength has a looong journey before it's back to my pre-baby level, but I'm proud of myself for putting in the work on that journey.

(Side note, what I find funny is that I think I look like an elf in that photo, but during class when we were doing this pose, I felt so strong...and I've felt the burn for two days after!)

It's partly about looking like my pre-baby self, but it's more about feeling stronger and more in shape, and taking care of myself. Exercising really does make me feel better physically and mentally, and I was definitely feeling the effects of not exercising.

So here's to taking the time for myself and my fitness. It's good to be back.

WTF

2022-05-06T11:27:00.001-05:00

Happy Mother's Day and Maternal Mental Health Week from the wrong side of history!

Ever since the Supreme Court document leak, I have been so heart-racingly angry. All of this is a giant middle finger to women in this country, during a time when we're supposed to be honoring women who are mothers. Your true colors are clearly showing, and every single Mother's Day honor just feels so disingenuous.

In the wake of this abortion bill in Louisiana, created by a MAN, advancing, I am even more angry. The article mentions, "Some fear this could lead to charges against women for homicide or battery in cases of miscarriage or infertility treatments like in vitro fertilization." PLEASE tell me how miscarriage could be considered illegal. It's illegal that our bodies don't work as they should? Tell me how I should be arrested for having two failed pregnancies?

I am a survivor of two miscarriages. I'm lucky that those miscarriages didn't endanger my life. Because if one of my pregnancies would have threatened my life, I would have chosen to save my own life any day.

I'll never forget my miscarriage experiences. When, during my first one, I was at the pharmacy filling a prescription in preparation for my D&C, and the male pharmacist came over the drive-thru intercom to gruffly ask, "Are you pregnant???" and I didn't even know what to say except for, "I'm about to not be?" When, during my second one, I passed out in the bathroom while my child slept in the room next door, and it took weeks for it to pass fully.

I'm lucky that after those miscarriages, I had two healthy girls, whom I love more than anything.

I ALSO know that I am 1,000% done with having children. I'm not getting any younger, life isn't getting any cheaper, my job is demanding, and my mental health could not handle any more on my plate. The thought of a surprise third child gives me so much anxiety.

I'm lucky that I have a great family, a stable home, a great job, insurance and a wonderful OBGYN. Not everyone has that support.

I'm thankful for birth control so I can actually live the life I want. Not everyone has the access or insurance coverage for that.

To have any of those rights taken away is a complete slap in the face.

If you're pro-life, are you only pro-fetus/pro-fertilized egg, or are you pro-women's-lives too?

And in case it's not clear to you - taking away access to abortion, yet ALSO taking away access to birth control is completely ass backwards. You can't take away methods to prevent pregnancy but still force women to be pregnant and give birth. Don't also get me started on maternity leave in the United States.

What I can't fathom is telling another woman, "Sorry, I don't care about you or your situation, you can't protect yourself from getting pregnant, you have to keep this pregnancy and you can't do anything about it."

In case you didn't realize, life is expensive. In case you didn't realize, pregnancy is hard - physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. In case you didn't realize, the postpartum period is extremely difficult. In case you didn't realize, children are expensive.

And you know what else? Birth control can still fail.

I would never force someone to go through one of the most difficult things in life if it's not something she can handle. Why do you feel the need to force that on a woman, who for MANY reasons, may not want to be pregnant or give birth?

If you haven't experienced it yourself, sit down and go ask someone who HAS been through it.

My last pregnancy was the hardest one on me physically and mentally. I'm grateful that everything turned out healthy, but you know what sucks? Having a chronic yeast infection for the majority of a pregnancy. I didn't know that was a thing, but oh, I learned it alright.

Women terminating pregnancies come in all shapes, sizes, colors and backgrounds. Please get the singular stereotype out of your head and realize that there are so many more situations where a termination comes into play.

If you are a woman who disagrees with abortion at all costs, you are extremely lucky that you have never been in a situation where it could have been your best option. And I sincerely pray that you or your daughter or granddaughter is never in that situation.

There are many different scenarios where a pregnancy, like an ectopic one, can be life-threatening to a woman. It's mindblowing to me that women would have no options while faced with that scenario.

What's pro-life about telling a woman that she can't do anything about a condition that could kill her?

I'm a married woman, in my mid-30s, with two amazing children, a job that I love, and a salary that my family depends on. It should be my choice AND MY RIGHT whether or not I want to have a pregnancy.

Just like everyone screaming that mask mandates violated their rights - that was a piece of cloth on your face at the grocery store. If you couldn't stand the thought of being required to wear a mask for an hour, how can you stand the thought of forcing a woman to carry a pregnancy and give birth? It's a little more inconvenient and detrimental to your health than a mask.

And when it comes to my reproductive health, there are two people that get an input - my husband, and my gynecologist. Not the government.

If Roe v Wade is overturned, we do know that it won't be the only change. I am scared for what could fall next.

I'm very scared for the future of my daughters, who may get zero control over their bodies and how they want to live their lives as they grow up.

"You can be anything you want to be" ... except in control of your own body.

Wanting to Help

2022-02-28T14:47:00.001-06:00

Ever since the news broke last week about Russia invading Ukraine, my mind has been on Ukrainian mothers and families. Going beyond the news stories, the attention-grabbing photos and countless social media posts, I keep trying to put myself in the shoes of a mother there. I think of expectant moms, worrying about their upcoming delivery. I think of new moms, either at home with infants or still in the hospital with newborns.

I truly can't imagine what it must feel like to be living this firsthand, having to both experience it and still take care of and protect your children. The closest scenario I can think of to relate is when hurricanes are looming bring a threat of destruction. There are so many decisions to be made very quickly, including whether to stay or go, you're nervous for the unknown, and yet you still want to provide a sense of normalcy for your children. I know that personally, hurricanes bring a new level of anxiety now that we're the adults with the home and the children.

My heart goes out to all of the Ukrainian mothers who have spent these past few days trying to keep their families safe, making extremely difficult decisions and trying to keep it together. My heart is with those mothers who make the decision to leave with their children and leave their husbands behind as well.

USAID director Samantha Power reflected on what she saw at the border, mentioning how the group of people crossing the border are almost exclusively women and children.

"As somebody who has covered a lot of refugee crises over the years, really one of the most striking features of today's population coming over is that it's almost exclusively women and children and this speaks to the kind of society-wide mobilization that has occurred in Ukraine and that fighting-age men are staying behind to be part of these territorial defense units," Power said.
via CNN

When it comes to ways to help, my heart keeps saying to find a way that supports Ukrainian children. These are a few organizations I've found that are helping out in different ways. Of course, always read up on an organization before you choose to donate to see which best aligns with your stance.

The bittersweet days

2022-01-19T09:30:00.002-06:00

Today, my baby Sophia turns 11 months old. In one short month, she'll be celebrating her first birthday and making the full transition to the toddler phase.

Over the past few weeks, I've been feeling the tug of bittersweet emotions from watching her grow, change and learn new skills. It's so much fun to see her discover new things and to watch her personality bloom. And yet, I miss how little she used to be. I miss that she'll never be this small or this snuggly again.

As I rock her in the evening, I enjoy the moments of peace and quiet and stillness. And I notice just how quickly she is growing. She fits in my arms just a little differently each night. I know that one day (sooner than I'll be ready for) I won't be rocking her to sleep anymore.

With her being our last baby, it does make me a little more sad that these infant days are winding down. The days are long and the years are short, indeed. I know there are so many amazing milestones and so many chapters still to come in our lives, but there is a lot that I'll miss about Sophia's chapter as a newborn and an infant.

2022

2022-01-14T22:21:00.001-06:00

I kept my goals for 2021 simple. With a baby due in February, I knew it wasn't going to be a year of doing all the things. Honestly, my goal was to survive with two babies.

Now that 2022 is here, I can say...that goal was enough. While we did survive, I surely don't feel like I did much thriving.

The last couple months of 2021 were extremely challenging, and I wasn't feeling the most optimistic for this new year or feeling inspired to make new goals. So clearly, the photo above is not the best illustration of my new year mood, ha.

I joke to myself that my goal for the year is to live one step above surviving. But now that we're a couple weeks into January, I feel like I'm starting to get out of the darkness a little, and I feel ready to take on a few things that have been calling me lately.

Prioritize my own hobbies. I'm on my second attempt at following a 12 week postpartum exercise plan, and I'm doing much better at sticking to it this time around. It's definitely helping to keep me moving and get a little of my strength back. I also really want to recommit to blogging and writing things that are not work press releases. It's what I've been missing most the past few years, and I feel so out of practice.
Upgrade my style. Most of my clothes have been in my closet for many years now, and frankly, a lot of them don't fit right now. I've had to buy some new clothes in the past year, especially for work, and it's making me want to upgrade and lean into my new status as a mid-30s working mom. But dressed in secondhand chic, of course.
Related: Actually sell my growing pile of clothes on Poshmark. Here's the thing. I love making a sale on Poshmark. I love cleaning out my closet and finding clothes to sell on Poshmark. What I don't love? Taking the time to list my clothes on Poshmark. This year, I need to just commit and take the pictures and write the listings. I won't make any money if I don't list anything!
Donate items to resale or thrift shops or charities without driving around with them in my car for months. I mean, I know we all do it. But I really want to be more productive and less lazy about giving our old things a new life.
Be a good example and teach my girls how to care for the planet and our resources. They certainly learn by watching me. I always say my love for environmentalism started in grade school with the book 50 Simple Things Kids Can Do to Save the Earth. I recently found a copy of that book on my office shelf, and it was like a gentle nudge to use it to start teaching Ariana. Plus, after a few years of being less involved in my community, I'd like to start getting back into the swing of things.

Maybe it's a lofty list, but it's something to aspire to!

Giving Back During the Holidays

2021-11-16T15:45:00.000-06:00

Now that Ariana is 3, the holiday season is extra special. Last year, she started to understand the concept of gifts, and was so excited for Santa Claus to pass. This year will be even more fun for her, especially with having her little sister around.

I'm having a lot of fun finding ways to make the holiday season special and magical for her. We've got photos with Santa coming up very quickly, and we're looking forward to putting up our tree right after Thanksgiving.

I recently came up with the idea of starting a tradition of doing something to give back or help others during the holiday season. This way, we can teach Ariana (and Sophia in the next few years) that Christmas is more than just presents. I'd like to find something we can do each year that is also more than just donating money - something that we can physically get involved in that's family friendly.

If you have a tradition like this in your family, what is your favorite way to give back or be of service? Let me hear it in the comments!

My Breastfeeding Journey, Part 2

2021-08-03T16:53:00.006-05:00

During World Breastfeeding Week, I'm honoring that my second breastfeeding journey has come to an end.

I went into this newborn/infant phase reminding myself to be graceful toward the breastfeeding journey. I wrote this blog post near the end of that phase with Ariana, when she was around 9 months old. I was looking forward to putting less pressure on myself, and I told myself I didn't have to feel guilty if we supplemented with formula.

Even with those reminders, I still held out hope that my supply would be better this time around.

It wasn't.

Sophia is just over 5 months old, and my supply is done.

I remember pumping after going back to work the first time around. I remember trying furiously to pump (and wash pump parts) three times a day. I remember bringing my pump when we had to travel for the day. I remember stressing about making arrangements to pump during a class I took and having to take extra break time for it.

I told myself this time, I wasn't going to stress as much about pumping. It's not like it's pleasant anyway. And I didn't want to spend hundreds of extra dollars on lactation supplements that really never helped.

I also gave myself a threshold for pump production, and when I hit it, I would call it off. I hit that threshold last week, when I barely pumped an ounce in a session. Even knowing that it was going to happen soon, I cried a little while putting the milk away, knowing that it was time to call it.

I looked at my stats the other day comparing my pump sessions for Ariana vs. Sophia. I had way fewer pumping sessions and WAY fewer ounces overall.

It's okay to both mourn the end of this phase and feel okay choosing the alternative. But I don't want to feel discouraged - it's not a failure.

We've supplemented Sophia's feedings with formula since she was a newborn, and she is growing, strong, happy and healthy. I've got a small supply of frozen pumped milk, but for the most part, Sophia will be formula fed until she turns one.

While grateful for the ability to use formula, I am also forever annoyed at how much formula costs and how much waste it creates. (So much plastic and so many little scoopers!)

If you are struggling to breastfeed for any reason, first of all, know that you are not alone. And second of all, you don't have to feel guilty using formula. You are not "less than." As long as your baby is fed, your baby is doing great.

If you are able to breastfeed for over a year, I am in awe of your dedication (and your supply).

And it's so true what they say - no matter if your baby is breast or bottle fed, they will grow up to be a toddler who just wants to eat junk food and dirt.

Life with my second baby

2021-07-08T13:49:00.002-05:00

In the four months that our baby, Sophia, has been with us, she has proven to be the biggest joy. She has truly been the sweetest and cuddliest baby since day one. I always say she is the calm among our chaos. When life gets crazy at home, Sophia is almost always the one just hanging out. She, of course, has her moments, but part of the beauty of her being the second baby is that I can handle them a little better.

I spent much of my pregnancy dealing with anxiety. Beyond the obvious pandemic stress, there were just so many things taking a toll on me. I was constantly worried that something would go wrong with the pregnancy, and it felt like a more intense pregnancy in general, while we were dealing more with toddlerhood, navigating a home improvement project, living through hurricane season and an election, and just dealing with general adulthood.

I remember the day last November when I realized I hadn’t been simply enjoying the journey up until that point (which was approaching my third trimester) and I felt so guilty. I felt like it was unfair to my baby that I was spending so much time worrying. In that moment, she started kicking and it was like she was reminding me to be more present. (Side note, it's perfectly okay if you don't enjoy every moment of pregnancy. That is natural! Unnecessary guilt is one of the things I struggle with.)

The final trimester was filled with more contentment, but also with more physical discomfort. And the final week of my pregnancy was spent riding out a historic ice storm. Although I wanted to go into labor on my own without being induced, I was terrified that I would go into labor while the roads were covered in ice and we either wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital, or our parents wouldn't be able to come watch Ariana.

For as much as I struggled through my pregnancy, I had a relatively smooth labor and delivery experience. It was the kind of experience I really hoped to have, even though we ended up inducing again. Labor went much quicker, and the delivery was safe and less stressful. We were even able to go home after one night in the hospital!

I was grateful to spend 12 weeks at home with Sophia, with part of that being a WFH scenario. Although I struggled with postpartum depression during that time, I cherished getting to spend my days with only her. She was my little errand partner, neighborhood walk companion and meeting buddy. Now that I'm back in the office and back to more of a normal routine, I feel like more myself again. But at the same time, I miss being close to my baby all day.

I hate that, now, I only have a couple hours each evening with the girls, and that I have to split my attention between them. By nature, toddlers are very intensive and just require so much attention. I hate that sometimes I can only hold Sophia when I feed her and put her to bed. I miss those daytime naps in a quiet house, just me and her.

I relish when Sophia sleeps so peacefully in my arms. I try to always take advantage of the time when she falls asleep for the night while I'm holding her, and I just soak up the snuggles. She reminds me that I’m still her safe space and that my arms are her favorite place to be. At four months, she's strong enough to hold herself up, but she still loves to nuzzle against my shoulder and put her hand on my arm or shoulder. And it's my favorite feeling.

But, sometimes I feel as if I put too much pressure on myself to not miss any moment because it'll be the last of something. That I have to hold her as much as possible because she'll never be this small again. I try to remember something my therapist repeats often: it's okay to mourn the loss of the past while still being excited for the future to come.

I saw this post from Motherly recently and it really hit the nail on the head of the guilt I feel sometimes about not being able to spend as much one-on-one time with Sophia anymore.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Motherly (@mother.ly)

Life with two kids is only just beginning, but it's already teaching me so much. And one thing I know for sure is how happy I am that Sophia is part of our family. Her smile and her newfound giggles just melt me.

My Hospital Bag Packing List

2021-02-11T21:05:00.004-06:00

(Updated March 29, 2021. Scroll down to see which items I actually used from my hospital bag!)

Preparing for my first child meant that I was putting together my hospital bag packing list over the course of a couple months, and I started actually packing a solid month and a half before my due date. (I think I have already established that I'm pretty Type A!) I had my carry-on size rolling suitcase organized and ready to go.

Thinking back, I feel like I packed a lot of things I ended up not using, and when it was time to come home, I crammed a lot of the hospital supplies in my suitcase. (Also, after five days in the hospital, we definitely needed the rolling cart to haul all our stuff down to the car...things accumulated quickly, especially with my husband making trips back and forth to the house.)

After reading a blog post from The Lafayette Mom, I realized I should start working on my hospital bag packing list for this time around. The list Amanda wrote out was very helpful in giving me ideas for practical items I wouldn't have thought to pack otherwise. I've tried to pare down what I will bring, and focus on what I remember actually using or needing during my last stay. However, my plan of bringing a smaller duffel bag didn't pan out, and I'm back to the same rolling suitcase I used two and a half years ago.

Because Ariana stayed in NICU for her first two days, I started pumping while in the hospital and accumulated quite a collection of pump supplies. When she was around a month old, I discovered the Haakaa pump and wished I'd had one from the beginning. I kept it in storage and cleaned and sterilized it recently, plus I received a brand new second one as a gift. (This is how much I love this item.) My new one comes with a lid, so that's the one I ended up packing in my bag. Ready to nurse smarter and waste less milk from the get-go!

My reusable coffee mug, water cup and straw are coming along again with the intention to reduce some waste in our hospital room. I purposely packed a huge cup for water to help ensure I drink enough.

One thing to note: my bag and packing list covers me and the baby. Last time, I kept on my husband for weeks to pack his bag, and I think he finally shoved a few things in a backpack a few days before our scheduled induction. This time around, he packs when he packs. :)

Update!

It's been almost six weeks since I had my baby, and I'm finally getting around to updating my packing list to share what I actually used. I still overpacked, but our hospital stay was much different from our first time around. Instead of unexpectedly being in the hospital for five days, we ended up only being there for one night. Because we were able to go home a night sooner than we expected, I didn't need a lot of things I would have used otherwise (for example, I ended up not taking a shower in the hospital, so I didn't need my shampoo and conditioner.)

I've bolded all of the items I used at some point in our stay (approximately 10 hours in our labor and delivery room and about 24 hours in our recovery room). Hopefully this may help if you are prepping your own hospital bag!

My 2021 hospital bag packing list

Onesies, nightgowns, mittens, pacifier and going-home outfit for Bébé (We used one nightgown and she wore a onesie home, rather than the special onesie pictured above that was way too big for her.)
Swaddle sleep sack (we borrowed one from the hospital for Ariana but it was huge, so this time I wanted to bring our own in the newborn size.) (VERY glad I brought this!)
Button down pajamas, robe, slippers, grippy socks (I only used one nightgown after changing out of the hospital gown. The slippers were one of my most-used items! Bring some with a hard sole that can be easily disinfected after you leave.)
Nursing bra/tank top and nursing pads
Outfit for me to wear home (I wore the same pants home that I wore to the hospital, but wore a different shirt. It was not what I would call an "outfit", ha.)
Extra masks and a mask chain (I'm relieved that I don't have to labor in a mask, but we will need to wear them when anyone comes into our labor/delivery and recovery rooms, so the mask chain will be handy.) (I actually only needed to use the mask when going into the hospital, being transferred to our recovery room, and on the wheelchair ride down to the car. I never took the mask chain out of my case.)
Toiletries for me (shampoo/conditioner, toothbrush/toothpaste, contact lens solution/case, facial wipes, lotion, makeup)
Chapstick (I absolutely bought a tube just to pack in my bag.) (I used the one that I always have in my purse, but I DID use it a lot - so make sure you have at least one tube. I kept mine on my tray table during labor!)
Postnatal vitamins
Haakaa pump and small pump bottles to store any extra milk (cleaned and sterilized)
Sound machine (if you don't already have one, save a white noise playlist or download an app on your phone. I've also downloaded my favorite sleep music track from Headspace.) (I used my phone!)
Small Bluetooth speaker and charger (not a necessity, but I love to have music playing and I did make a Spotify mix for labor.) (Loved having the speaker and listening to my playlist. I had it going during delivery but couldn't tell you which song was playing when my baby was born!)
Stainless steel coffee mug with lid, water cup with lid and straw (The hospital gave me a large reusable cup that I used for water and Powerade. I am actually still using my hospital cup at home to help make sure I drink enough water.)
Phone charger and extension cord

Things on my packing list the first time around that I'm not bringing this time

Flat iron and blow dryer
Boppy pillow
My own pump (I think we did bring it last time, but used one of the hospital's pumps instead.)
Our own blankets (I did bring my own pillow last time and was glad for it, but I'm not sure I'll bother with it this time.)
Snacks (This time, I'll probably just send my husband out on snack runs, or that'll be something I throw in the car last-minute.) (After I published this blog post, my husband told me he wanted to make sure we packed snacks, so we had a separate bag for them. We didn't eat a lot of the snacks, but it was nice to have.)
Birth plan (I'd already spoken with my doctor about the major things, and like everyone says, things don't go according to plan. The piece of paper never left my suitcase, ha.)
Framed photos for the room
DSLR camera (Another thing we did use, but that I'm not bothering with this time. I may still change my mind though!)

With just a couple remaining items that I'm still using every day, the hospital bag is packed and ready to go whenever Bébé is!

Comparing my pregnancies

2021-01-18T16:48:00.005-06:00

I've always heard how different pregnancies can be, especially going from your first baby to your second. It's definitely been true around here, and in general, this pregnancy has been harder on me.

Symptoms

I've definitely grown faster and showed earlier this time, although I've learned to embrace it.

My first trimester morning sickness was much more consistent this time, and I've noticed more third trimester reflux. I feel like I've had more aches and pains, especially in my lower back, but that's probably a combination of it not being my first pregnancy and me not exercising as regularly.

I didn't have any many cravings this time. I remember my cravings for peanut M&Ms and Icees last time, but I think especially during my first trimester this time, I had more aversions to food.

I've said for a few weeks now that Ariana was my karate kicker, and this baby has been more gentle for the most part. She's been moving A LOT the past couple weeks, but I find it's more rolls than kicks.

I also feel like I have had more intense Braxton Hicks contractions this time around, although I can't remember if I had them and didn't know it last time, or I didn't have them as much. They are known to be more common in subsequent pregnancies.

I wrote a blog post a few months back on my headspace throughout this pregnancy, and I think getting those thoughts out helped me tremendously!

Pandemic

I mean, first things first. Obviously the pandemic has changed the pregnancy experience for thousands of women. It was strange to spend so much of my pregnancy working at home, and with so few people seeing me on a regular basis and my growing bump. (That's one thing about video meetings - that webcam can hide a lot, ha!) It was peaceful in a way, yet isolating in a way.

I'm grateful that my husband was able to join for both of our scheduled ultrasounds during the pandemic, although it take take some extra effort. When it was time to schedule my first ultrasound, I chose to have it done at the hospital. When I realized they weren't allowing any guests at the time, I called my doctor, and she was able to refer me to another facility that was allowing one guest. I was so grateful that we were both able to see our baby for the first time and get the comforting news that everything was looking normal and healthy.

Hurricanes

I remember that Hurricane Florence made landfall in North Carolina the weekend Ariana was born in 2018, but thankfully, we didn't go through any major storms in Louisiana that year.

This year, we got the brunt of hurricane season and I experienced Hurricane Laura while 13 weeks pregnant and Hurricane Delta while 20 weeks pregnant. I got a great 20 week workout helping to clean up the fallen tree branches in our yard after Delta, although being without power was not pleasant for any of us.

Keeping it all in perspective, I'm grateful that our home wasn't damaged, that Ariana and I could spend the night at a relative's who had power, and that our power was restored after two days (and our Internet after a week - I have never been so grateful for hotspots!) So many people had it so much worse than us -- whether they were pregnant, new parents or not.

Announcement

Having a miscarriage makes it hard to want to share a pregnancy announcement early. When we announced our pregnancy for Ariana back in 2018, I was so excited to share our news publicly once we had passed the first trimester.

This time, I think I was nearing 22 or 23 weeks before posting anything online, ha. From simply not seeing that many people, there was also always something going on that made me want to wait. It felt weird to post a pregnancy announcement when everyone was preoccupied with hurricanes. Then with National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in October, I wanted to be sensitive to everyone grieving their own losses.

In a way, waiting that long to announce anything made it seem like the first half of my pregnancy lasted forever, while the second half has flown by.

Exercise

When I was pregnant with Ariana, I scaled down my yoga practice but still went every week, and went swimming often that summer.

Since she's been born, I've never gotten back into a steady exercise/gym routine. And combined with the pandemic, I had not been working out much at all. At least during the spring, I was getting lots of neighborhood walks in. And with a very active toddler, I haven't been able to stay very still in general.

It's honestly taken me until my third trimester to get my butt to the gym, with a mask, on a regular basis. And I'm so, so glad I'm doing it. Even just the handful of swimming afternoons at the heated indoor pool and the few yoga classes I've attended have done so much to make me feel better physically and mentally.

Exercising while pregnant isn't about fitness goals for me, but rather focusing on feeling better mentally and physically. Yoga really helps with all of the aches and pains of pregnancy, and swimming is the best for decompressing, especially when I feel extra puffy.

Preparation

Oh, how overeager and Type A I was when preparing for Ariana. I remember how hard I worked to have the nursery complete before she was born. I started packing my hospital bag a month and a half before my due date. I curated a hospital playlist over the course of a couple months (and I don't think I listened to half of it in the hospital.) I eagerly read the weekly updates in my pregnancy apps. I always had questions ready for my OB appointments. I made sure we had a maternity photo shoot, lol.

This time, I feel like I've been going with the flow a little more. I remember enough from last time that I don't have as many questions. The nursery is basically staying the same (Ariana will move into a big girl room later this year, so we're making updates a little at a time.) I've refined my hospital bag packing list, but have only packed the baby's clothes so far.

It also helps that we saved so many items to use for a second baby, so our needs list is pretty minimal. We've been collecting some hand-me-downs to take care of what we didn't save.

And I'm pretty sure any maternity shoot this time around will be getting my husband to take a few more photos in the backyard, ha.

Names

I have said it for three years now. I find it so hard to choose girl names. I was about six months pregnant when we chose the name Ariana, and then chose her middle name about a month later.

I am now nearing 35 weeks pregnant, and we still have not settled on a first name for the baby. And no, I do not plan to wait until we meet her to pick a name, ha. Yes, I am putting pressure on myself by telling myself I need to just pick something in the next week or so. We've narrowed it down to about four or five contenders, and just need to sit down and make a decision already.

What I Look Forward to Doing Differently for Baby #2

2020-12-17T16:28:00.001-06:00

Since giving birth to Ariana and especially since getting pregnant earlier this year, I've been keeping a mental list of the valuable things I've learned when it comes to taking care of both newborns and myself in that postpartum phase. There are a few things that I'm looking forward to doing differently this time around, even though obviously, some things are out of my control.

Labor and delivery

Before giving birth to Ariana, I was of course aware that birth plans do not always go according to plan. With guidance from my doctor, we planned for me to be induced two days after my due date. After Ariana was born, she spent a few days in the NICU. It was a comparatively very short and minor stay compared to so many babies (and my heart goes out to all NICU babies and parents!), but it was certainly something that was hard on us. It wasn't something we anticipated dealing with, and I remember feeling so clueless the entire time about what was going on, even though the nurses and staff were wonderful.

One of the biggest things I hope for this time around is a smoother and shorter labor and delivery experience, and most of all, to have our baby in the recovery room with us (and to go home after two days!)

More baby-wearing!

I purchased a Solly Baby wrap before Ariana was born and even practiced using it with a teddy bear. When she was an infant, I honestly didn't use it as much as I thought I would - mostly just for neighborhood walks.

Now that I'm somewhat more familiar with what maternity leave will be like, I'm looking forward to using it a lot more, especially so I can multitask and do things around the house, or take both girls for walks around the neighborhood.

Getting out more

Once I returned to work after maternity leave last time, I looked back and wished I had gotten out a little more, rather than honestly being 'quarantined' much of the time at home. My first time raising a newborn was certainly challenging, and the schedule was unlike anything I was used to. And of course, we wanted to protect our newborn from flu and RSV and all those fun things.

While I wasn't dreaming of going on road trips or anything big if I ever had a second child, I was looking forward to visiting family and friends more or even going for short drives just to get out of the house.

I'm not sure exactly what Spring 2021 will look like with COVID, so I might end up staying at home as much as I did for my first maternity leave and a large portion of 2020 (I still consider the 8 weeks of the stay at home order my maternity leave with an 18-month old.) But that doesn't mean I can't plan to get my butt out of the house for more walks, backyard time and fresh air. Ariana loves to play outside and since the time will spring forward, I can picture lots of playtime in the backyard for her while the baby and me hang out on a blanket! There might even be some backyard tent camping in our future.

Easier nursing experience

First, I want to say there is nothing wrong with formula feeding! We started supplementing with formula when Ariana was two months, and she has always been happy and healthy. It was hard on me to take that step initially, although I know it was the right one. I still nursed and pumped until she was around nine months, and we kept a reserve stash of frozen milk that lasted until she turned 1.

I hope to not stress as much about breastfeeding this time around, but I also hope my production and supply will be better. (Look, I'm still cheap and formula is NOT cheap.) I've done a lot of reading and research in the past year and a half, and have some techniques and other tricks saved.

I also plan to switch pump brands from Medela to Spectra. I used the Medela Pump In Style last time (and ohhh how I did not love that thing), and am planning to get a Spectra S1. I've heard from so many moms that it has better output compared to Medela. I also like that there are adapter pieces you can buy so that you can still use Medela bottles to pump, especially since I have a container full of Medela bottles.

I'm also looking forward to using glass bottles for feedings. A friend passed down her collection to me, making them both secondhand and plastic-free!

Baby food

I loved making baby food for Ariana with a hand-me-down Baby Bullet. I've since passed it along to another mom friend, and I plan to get an all-in-one baby food steamer and blender. I knew right away that it would be much easier in general to do everything with one appliance. It also helps that our rice cooker and steamer kicked the bucket during quarantine earlier this year and we haven't replaced it. (Stove rice FTW!)

Better self care

I saw a pelvic floor therapy specialist last time around 10 weeks postpartum, and it really, really helped. Especially with this being my second baby, I want to be proactive in getting pelvic floor therapy during my postpartum recovery.

I took a postnatal vitamin for the first couple months after Ariana was born, and this time, I'm planning to take some for a lot longer. After diligently taking prenatal vitamins for nearly 9 months, it just makes sense to keep giving myself vital nutrients in the postpartum phase. Bonus if they do help with milk production!

I'm also hopeful that I'll be able to ride the postpartum waves better throughout this baby's infancy. I first saw a therapist who specializes in postnatal counseling when Ariana was around 8 months, and since then, it has made a world of difference for me. I've continued my therapy throughout this pregnancy, and am relieved that I have this support in my corner as I head into that postpartum phase. I think it will help even in ways I haven't yet anticipated.

A very 2020 pregnancy

2020-11-13T12:35:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, it feels like you've had the world's longest pregnancy, and sometimes it feels like you blink and you're already 25 weeks along.

This has certainly felt like the strangest time to be pregnant, and lately, I've been feeling a lot of anxiety about how much of it has passed by already.

In addition to working from home and navigating life with a toddler, I spent half of the summer waiting to reach that first trimester milestone. Especially before that first doctor visit, it felt like just sitting on my hands and waiting.

Once we made it past 13 weeks, I thought I would breathe easier...and then I still did not. There were so many things making our "normal" life even less normal, and there were a lot of things taking my attention away from enjoying my pregnancy. These hormones are definitely no joke, along with home projects, busy work lives, etc.

Once we made it to the 20 week anatomy scan, I finally felt like I could relax a little more, although even in these past few weeks, I have realized I don't think I have actually stopped to simply enjoy this period of life, this pregnancy.

This is my last pregnancy, and I certainly WANT to remember all of the good things about it, separate from all of the craziness happening around us. But it's been a real struggle.

The other day, I was sitting and thinking about that struggle (and feeling extremely guilty about it) when I felt the baby moving and kicking. It was like she was reminding me to just take a step back and be more present and grateful.

Baby girl,

I am so grateful for you. I love feeling you kick and move around. I'm happy you're safe where you are, and I look forward to the day we can hold you in our arms. (During our 20-week ultrasound, when the doctor showed us a 3D image of her face, I immediately said, "Oh I cannot wait to snuggle you!")

I can't wait to choose what your name will be. I know the right name will come to us, and we'll know it's meant for you.

I'm so curious about who you will resemble. Will you look like Ariana at all? Will you have as much hair as she did?

I'm curious how your personality will shape up and in which ways you'll be the same or different from Ariana.

I'm excited for Ariana to meet you. She's been practicing these past few months, and is so sweet to her dolls - helping to feed them, brush their teeth and put them down for naps.

I'm excited for you to meet your big sister. She's just incredible. I have one brother and my husband has two brothers, so getting to have a firsthand look at this sister bond is extremely special to me.

I'm looking forward to all of the snuggles and special newborn moments. I'm ready to use my Solly baby wrap a lot more this time around!

I haven't exercised as much during this pregnancy like I did last time, but I plan to get on some sort of routine in these final few months. With busy schedules, I realized recently that prioritizing exercise is most important for my mental health, but it's also time dedicated to just me and you. In a way, these are our first Mom and Baby Sis dates. Let's go swimming and do some yoga together!

Please keep sending me your sweet reminders to slow down and stop worrying so much. You are certainly a reminder that things fall into place as they are meant to be.

We are all excited for you to join and complete our family, sweet baby girl.

Love,

Mama

Social Media Distancing

2020-11-04T13:00:00.002-06:00

Over the summer, I was feeling the weight of anxiety over current events and changes closer to home. I had been working from home for a few months already, COVID was experiencing a resurgence, negativity was running rampant, and I was very newly pregnant and extremely anxious about making it through my first trimester.

There was one morning where I held my phone in my hand, looked at my social media apps, and thought to myself, "Nope."

It was time to take a break.

But, as someone who works in the social media realm every day, it can be hard to feel like I'm able to disconnect for awhile. When it's your job, you're actually unable to hit that Deactivate button on Facebook, because then you don't have a way to access and manage what you're responsible for.

Over the summer, I listed out the ways I found to take a social media break for a few weeks, while still maintaining all the control I need to do my job effectively. I never ended up publishing my list, but I think now is another extremely relevant time for those who might be in the same situation.

How to disconnect while still managing business social media accounts

On your computer, bookmark the Facebook Business Manager and access your pages and notifications through it. If you don't have Business Manager set up, look into setting it up. This became my main method of managing pages during my break period.
Connect your business Instagram to your Facebook page to manage messages and activity.
You can also use Facebook's Creator Studio to create and schedule posts for Facebook and Instagram. This can be accessed through the Business Manager as well.
Use a third-party scheduling tool like Buffer, Later or Hootsuite for your content creation. Each of these do have free versions if you're an entrepreneur or only have a few social media accounts.
If you need to review posts other businesses or rely on sharing others' content, bookmark your Facebook page's news feed. (And since it's extremely difficult to find your page's feed, use this link, filling in your page's name: https://www.facebook.com/YOURPAGENAME/news_feed/)
If Facebook Groups are part of your work, bookmark their direct URLs. I created a folder in my browser's bookmarks bar for all of my company's groups, and it has proven extremely helpful in many ways.
Install the Business Suite app on your phone.
Log out of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and/or LinkedIn on your phone.
If you don't want to fully log out of your apps, turn off all of their notifications through your phone settings.

It's always important to take a break from social media when it feels too overwhelming, and sometimes that feeling is even stronger for social media managers. Hopefully this will help give you that break while still doing your job!

Maternal Mental Health

2020-05-06T16:10:00.003-05:00

When I first began working on this post and planning to share it during May for Mental Health Awareness Month, I didn't know that May 6 is recognized as World Maternal Mental Health Day.

So in honor of today, I'm sharing about my own postpartum mental health journey.

During my pregnancy, I was keenly aware of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety and how they are more common than most people think. I talked to my husband, had him read some articles, and asked him to just watch out for me in those first few weeks postpartum.

The newborn phase and my maternity leave were certainly difficult, but I feel like I made it through pretty well (even looking back a year and a half later.)

However, postpartum depression and anxiety don't always manifest themselves immediately. In my case, I could feel the anxiety building up as the months went on. I enjoyed being back at work and getting back into the swing of things, but it was harder with the combined usual housework and errands, a longer commute from bringing my daughter to her sitter's house, and adjusting to a more hectic evening routine.

Last year, I began feeling more like the sea was getting rougher and I was struggling to tread water. After a little while, I could tell that I was struggling more than I should be, and I found a therapist who specializes in postpartum and maternal mental health.

And over the past few months, it has been a game changer. My therapist has helped me with ways to work toward a wise mind, helped give me a sense of perspective and given me tools to help ride the waves a little bit better. I can see a little clearer, and I feel like I am better at managing the challenges. Having a dedicated outlet has become something I truly look forward to. It actually feels like physical health sometimes - I feel so much better after going to my therapist, in the same way I feel better after going to the gym.

There are still hard days, and obviously quarantine is putting mental health to the test for many. There's a new set of struggles from being home for nearly seven weeks (working full-time with a husband and toddler home as well), and some days, I don't tread water very well. I still struggle with postpartum depression. One thing I continuously tell myself is to just give myself more grace. There's a lot of self-induced pressure when you feel like you don't meet your own expectations, but it's okay to lower those - whether there is a pandemic or not.

As I look ahead to the future, I feel like therapy will help me continue to navigate and manage stress and balance the load. With my postpartum mental health journey so far, I know that therapy will be an essential part of any future pregnancy and children in our family.

It's hard to feel like you're not winning or that you're not a good mom/wife/employee/friend. But so much of that comes from postpartum depression or anxiety, hormones or stress, rather than being true.

If you are a new mom, or even a not-new mom, I encourage you to prioritize your mental health. It cannot be said enough - your mental health matters, and it helps more than just you. If you feel like you are struggling, please, talk to someone.

Working Mama Life

2019-12-05T16:01:00.000-06:00

Today marks one year since I returned to work after having Ariana. I was so lucky to be able to take 12 weeks off and be home with my newborn, even if it still didn't feel long enough.

Maternity leave was certainly a head trip in many ways. After having a career for 11 years, it was very difficult to give up the routines (and control, let's be real) I was used to. On top of the adjustment of caring for a newborn and physically recovering myself, it was also an adjustment to be home all day, forgetting what day or time it is, and living in that two- to three-hour window. By the time my leave was winding down, it was hard having to imagine going back to some semblance of my "old" life.

I'm grateful to have a boss who allowed me to ease back in the week before I officially returned by working from home and sifting through nearly 12 weeks of emails.

I still remember this day last year - getting up early and doing my morning routine with Ariana, but this time coupled with putting on work clothes for the first time since September. Visiting with my mom, who was babysitting for the day. Knowing that my baby was at my house helped me so much. I was already looking forward to going home for lunch and nursing her and cuddling with her. The drive to work felt the same, yet different. My boss and coworkers greeted me (and my purse full of photos and my pump backpack and bag full of supplies) and welcomed me back. My office was decorated with my Christmas tree and garland, and there were new picture frames on my desk with Ariana's photos already in them. It started to feel good to be back.

My last day of leave was emotionally difficult, as I think every working mother will tell you. I had a hair cut scheduled, and I canceled it because I wanted nothing more than to spend every second with my baby before we didn't have our days together anymore. I think we stayed in our pajamas until at least lunch time, and we snuggled as much as she would let me.

I've learned many things about maternity leave in the United States both during my own leave and after returning to work. I still don't know it all, but I know that I wish it were easier and somehow more accommodating. Did I love having to pay into my own short-term disability plan in order to get partially paid leave? No. Was it confusing as hell? Absolutely. Did I love having to use sick and vacation time to get paid? No. Am I grateful that I had it in place? Absolutely.

In my first month or so back at work, I discovered and began following The Returnity Project. Reading both similar and completely different stories on my own helped me so much in those days of figuring out yet another new routine and my place in it all.

It took a while to find a new rhythm and figure out how to make time for everything. Sometimes I joke that coming to work is my 'me time', and I'm not sure if that's sad. Sometimes I miss my child the entire day, and sometimes I'm grateful for the break. I am excited at the end of every day to go home and feed her dinner, play with her and put her to bed. I still haven't figured out how to add my gym routine back into the mix on a regular basis. (I think I've made it to my favorite yoga class 10 times in the past 14 months.) Adding in errands during the week feels like a mental game of Tetris.

Pumping at work was always interesting, but I'm grateful to have an office with a door that locks, so I could stay at my own desk in my own space, rather than being delegated to a closet or empty space. Washing pump parts in my building's kitchen sink twice or three times a day was not fun, although everyone was always supportive. I don't have to travel very often, or very far, but there were a few times my little backpack got toted along.

One of the biggest things is how my perspective has shifted in the past year. It's a little easier now for me to switch off when I am not at work, and I'm a little better at boundaries when I need to be in mom-mode. Dividing my time is not the easiest, but when she needs me, that's most important.

I certainly miss those early days, where I got to spend all day with Ariana, but now that it's been a year since returning to work, I can say I'm glad I'm back, and I'm grateful for the village that helps us.

Things I've Learned in the First Year of Motherhood

2019-10-17T16:40:00.001-05:00

Leading up to my daughter's first birthday last month, I began doing some reflecting on some of the things I've learned in my first year as a mom. This past year has been unlike any other in my life and has absolutely been a roller coaster. One thing is for sure...I'll never stop learning as I go.

Some things have jumped out at me as I've looked back on the past year or so.

Instagram Stories are a blessing with a newborn. Especially during middle of the night feeding sessions. I remember so many nights, sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery, hitting the first Instagram Story and just letting them play through while I held my baby (and sometimes dozed off.)

It's important to make time for yourself, whether it's to treat yourself or do something you loved from before baby. This is something I still struggle with even now. I used to go to yoga twice a week. While I was pregnant I went probably once a week. Since Ariana was born, I've probably gone 10 times. In 13 months. But when I do go, I feel so much better and more relaxed. Do the things you enjoy. That are you. Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Sit at a coffee shop by yourself. Whatever makes you feel good...commit to doing it. The anticipation of being away from your baby for that time is a lot worse than actually being away for that time.

Give yourself more grace. This is something else I've been working on. I've always been hard on myself, and that pressure has felt stronger since having a baby. You build up these scenarios of what you'll be like as a mother, then you struggle to meet them. It's hard, but I'm learning to let it go. I don't write and blog like I used to. I didn't cloth diaper. These aren't the things I should let weigh me down. My normal is totally different these days, and giving myself grace allows me to go with the flow better (and not cling to what I think I should be doing.)

Your friendships and relationships do change. It's of course understandable that your friendship dynamics shift once you have a baby. It's sometimes hard to realize you're growing apart from some friends, or that you've lost some. Some days you don't think about it, and some days you feel down about it and mourn the losses. And then you sing the lyrics to MMMBop in your head and realize Hanson was singing about this all along. And when it comes to your relationship...it is so easy to slip into the full-time parent role, but it's so important and refreshing to go back to date nights or time alone.

The first time doing something with baby will kind of suck, but the second time is much better. Maybe part of it is because of my anxiety, but anytime we did something for the first time with Ariana, it was filled with more stress than enjoyment. Once that first time is out of the way, it was easier to be relaxed. Our first day at Festival International? Not that fun! The second day? A million times better. Our first vacation this summer? Extremely stressful, although as I look back on it now, I remember more of the good moments than the stressful ones.

Returning to work is both harder and easier than you will expect. I mean, it's probably not the healthiest to think of your time at work as your "me time", but that is what it felt like after almost three months of maternity leave. With the exception of the damn pump, work days felt like a break from parent mode. And then you find yourself at 10 a.m. scrolling through pictures of your child and missing her intensely. Plus, there have been so many days where I felt like I wasn't doing Work Me or Mom Me any justice. So many things to do all the time, and not enough energy or brainpower for it all. Another area where I just have to give myself grace.

Everything is a phase. For better or for worse. The hard times will pass. The teething phases come and go (for the most part at least.) And on the flip side, once you finally feel like you got the hang of a routine...it goes and changes. You're continually going with the flow, whether you want to or not.

Your new hours are not other people's hours. When your child wakes up at ridiculous hours on the weekend, you adjust to the fact that sleeping until 7 a.m. is "sleeping in". You get used to playing on your phone while baby eats or plays or whatever. And then you remember you maybe shouldn't text friends when it's 6:25 on a Saturday morning. You do, however, appreciate the Snaps from your fellow mom friends who are in the same boat as you.

Don't read the news articles. Anytime I see a tragic news article involving children, especially one near my daughter's age, I get the urge to read it. And then I'm either anxious or sad about it. So, easy solution...don't click on the article.

Everything takes longer. It just takes forever to do anything when a baby is involved. Especially if it entails getting out of the house. A lot of times, there are diapers involved. Right after you finish dressing your child and putting them in their car seat. In my case, it takes me longer to do just about anything. I planned to write this blog post a solid month ago. Once again, give yourself grace.

Your First Birthday

2019-09-16T11:40:00.000-05:00

To my daughter,
I can't believe your first birthday is already here. I hope you are enjoying your special day and this memorable milestone.

I am thankful for every day with you. You are the answer to our prayers, and this past year has been such an amazing journey. It's truly amazing to watch you grow before my eyes and watching your personality shine. You've taught me so much about myself and the world, and I know you're only going to teach me more as you grow up.

I love that you are a little bookworm. I love your little voice, even when you are talking nonstop (although I don't love the shrieks and screams!) I love your sweet determination, especially when I can see the wheels turning in your head. I love how much you love Dax, even though he usually runs away from you. I love your hugs and your kisses.

I love that you sleep all night every night. I love that you will eat just about any food I fix you. I love how much you adore your father, when you light up as you see him and laugh when he does something funny.

I love that you love your babysitter. I love how much you enjoy swimming and taking baths. I love your happy disposition.

Ari, I am so honored to be your mama. Motherhood is not easy, but it is by far worth it. Thank you for an incredible first year, and happy birthday, little one. We love you more than you will ever know.

The Rain

2019-06-21T13:56:00.002-05:00

Today marks two years since we gained our tiny angel.

Losing a pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. I still remember that morning, that doctor visit and that ultrasound like it was yesterday. I remember the recovery, the Garth Brooks concert two days later and the resolve to try again. I'll never forget those months that followed, before Ariana came into our lives.

There were many hard days that year, from the sting of seeing pregnancy announcements, to attending baby showers, to watching my due date approach. With it being during the holidays, Christmas was bittersweet that year.

The loss and the emotional journey taught me more about myself than I ever thought it could. I learned so much perspective. I stopped caring as much about the smaller things.

I learned to lean into my faith more, and prayed for our rainbow.

I learned just how much I was ready to become a mother. I never took my pregnancy with Ariana for granted, and I was grateful for every week that passed, and for every month that I heard her heartbeat.

I look at my sweet rainbow baby and thank God to have her in my life. I know she has a tiny guardian angel watching over her (and us) every day, and it makes me smile. I'll always miss our first baby, and I'll always wonder what if, but I absolutely cannot imagine life without my little girl.

In times of loss, so many people turn toward balloon releases as a way to "let go", but I love our memorial so much more. At the suggestion of a friend, I planted a small angel wing begonia plant in a white pot. The plant came from a family member, and I smile every time I look at how much it's grown. Rather than releasing something that ends up back in the environment, we gave back to the environment. And to me, that's the most beautiful thing.

It's ironic that this day is also International Day of Yoga. My yoga practice definitely helped me work through a lot of my struggle two years ago. I remember planning to attend a yoga class on that day, but I instead sat outside and meditated. It was more about the mental benefits instead of the physical ones. My practice has evolved a lot in the past two years, although it's taken a step back over the past nine months. I'm still here for it, and I'm ready to get back to that part of my self-care.

If you're dealing with miscarriage or infertility, please know you are not alone. Reach out and talk to someone, whether a friend or family member or a professional. The storms and the rain are hard to weather, but I sincerely hope that you find your rainbow too.

My Breastfeeding Journey

2019-05-21T16:32:00.002-05:00

When you're pregnant, one of the things you will hear most often is how "breast is best" when it comes to feeding. I took the class at the hospital and learned a million interesting things about breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to go that route (hello, all of the money it saves), but tried to remain realistic in knowing that exclusive breastfeeding might not be a possibility. I kept telling myself (and others) that we'd do whatever we needed to do in terms of feeding.

As I finally sit down to write this, my daughter just made eight months last week and I'm in the process of accepting that my breastfeeding journey will be ending soon. I aimed for making it a full 12 months, but I know that it'll only be a few more weeks.

And even though I had told myself I'd be open to whatever was necessary, it's still extremely bittersweet to know that I'm almost done and to make plans for what happens once I am. For now, I'm planning to go until my daughter turns nine months in June and then fully wean off. I'm absolutely grateful that I was able to get at least eight months, when this journey very well could have ended months ago.

I've been pumping since the very beginning (even before I breastfed the first time), and I've continued since going back to work in December. But, my production is steadily decreasing. The frozen stash is dwindling and I'm not able to produce enough to make it last much longer. And honestly, these days, it's hard to find motivation to pump when the output is getting smaller by the day.

We started supplementing with formula around two months, which wasn't easy for me to accept emotionally or mentally. All of those things about how breast milk is the perfect food for your baby keeps running through your head, and I felt like I was letting her down by our decision to add formula. (And I still wince a bit when it's time to buy more formula.)

But my daughter is doing just fine. She's happy, she's healthy and she's growing. She hasn't had any issues with drinking both breastmilk and formula. She will basically drink anything if it's in her bottle. She's been eating pureed and solid food since about five and a half months and has loved almost everything she's tried so far. I'm also grateful that she hasn't had feeding issues, breast, bottle or solid.

Although I've sent myself on countless guilt trips over many things in the past eight months, part of this process is reminding myself that it's okay. My daughter will be just fine during these few months of formula before we transition to other milk. I did give it my all, and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it. I'll be sad to not have our morning and nighttime nursing sessions and cuddle time, but I remind myself that it's just a phase.

After going back to work and getting on a pumping routine, I've tried all kinds of different lactation supplements, although I'm not sure really how much they helped. I think they didn't really boost my supply as much as they maintained it and kept it from decreasing even quicker. (For what it's worth, lactation drops are the most digusting taste and Boobie Bars are damn delicious, although insanely expensive.)

I can say, I will miss breastfeeding, but I truly will not miss pumping. No more toting around a backpack and cooler bag. No more finding random empty rooms when I'm not at home or in my office. No more pumping around meetings and phone calls. No more washing tiny-ass parts in the office kitchen! 🙌

Mother's Day 2019

2019-05-11T17:45:00.001-05:00

With an infant younger than one year old, many would consider this their first Mother's Day. But deep down, this feels like my third Mother's Day. Two years ago, I was seven weeks along with our angel, and last year, I was 22 weeks along with our sweet baby girl (and we had just found out the day before that it was a girl!)

I never knew just how much I would enjoy being a mom. We've had our fair share of long nights, tough moments and all the tears, but I wouldn't trade these past eight months for anything. Pretty much nothing beats when I hold her and comfort her. When she has her little hand on me while she sleeps, it's like we both know that we'll be okay.

I may not love waking up before 6 a.m. every weekday and 7 a.m. every weekend, but I do love getting to spend the first part of my morning with her.

It's incredible to watch Ariana's personality grow and see her achieve those milestone developments. A couple weeks ago, she started saying 'da da', and it was so much fun to watch her language grow. This weekend, she gave me an early Mother's Day gift by finally saying 'ma ma'!

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself feeling all kinds of emotions (shockingly), and I'm just excited to be here. With a happy, healthy, sweet as can be baby girl. Though she may be little, she is fierce.

And sometimes, I still can't believe you're actually mine. Ariana, you have no idea just how much I love being your mama.

You are the light that's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

To all the mamas out there, happy Mother's Day! Whether it's your first or your 50th, I hope it's a special day.

To all the mamas who have struggled or are struggling to conceive and to those who have lost children, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you, especially today!

International Women's Day

2019-03-08T11:26:00.004-06:00

"Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them."

International Women's Day is a little extra special starting this year, now that we're raising a tiny woman. I'm looking forward to raising her to be a strong and confident female.

Art copyright Wanderella

To my daughter:

In your six short months, you've already shown us how determined you are. You amaze me every day with your growth and everything you've accomplished so far. You've been a trooper since the beginning, and you constantly make me proud. I know that as you grow up, you will only amaze me even more.

As your mama, I have so much hope for your future, and I feel a special responsibility to empower you as you grow up. I remind myself daily that it's most important to lead by example, and it pushes me to better myself for your sake.

I want you to grow up with self-confidence.

I want to instill values of working hard and going after your dreams.

I want to give you the freedom to find what interests you, whether it's sports, music, dance or something else.

I want you to know that you don't have to conform to 'girly' stereotypes.

I want to help you learn how to defend yourself.

I want to be an example of how to be kind and lift others up.

As a working mother, I want to be an example of how to balance work, life and family.

Of course, I want to teach you how to respect and care for the environment.

Here's to the joy and fun of raising a girl! #WhoRunTheWorld

Introduction

2019-02-13T15:58:00.000-06:00

In the five months since I became a mom to this girl, I've learned a lot about perspectives and priorities.

Especially now that I've returned to work, I've shifted my evening priorities away from what I did before, and I soak up my time with A before it's time for her to go to bed.

I've been writing about eco-friendly lifestyles and my own journey to living more sustainably for almost 10 straight years now. But since A was born, I've found myself feeling more writer's block and less inspired. It's understandable, of course, now that I have a living being depending on me for everything. I tried to let go of the pressure I put on myself to write blog posts. And since I was home on maternity leave, I wasn't really doing anything new worthy of writing about.

Even though my writing frequency has decreased, I still enjoy having my writing outlet, and recently, I got the idea to create a secondary blog for motherhood, the new aspect of my life. This way, I can keep Eco Cajun focused on the environmental side and have a space to write about things that may not necessarily fit under that brand.

I'm excited to launch Eco Cajun Mama and write about the things that this sweet little girl teaches me every day.