1. Tofu

Fresh tofu is way, way tastier than store-bought stuff. Plus, if you’re like me and like super-firm tofu, you can make it as firm as you want it (most store-bought varieties are too soft for my taste) – or go the opposite direction.

For a 1/2 cup serving of tofu, you’re getting about 10-11 grams of protein, 227mg calcium, 5g fat, 1-2mg iron, and 94 calories – that’s less than 1/3 of the calories in the same amount of ground beef, and with beef you’re only getting twice the protein.*

Making tofu requires kitchen stuff you already have, an acid like lemon juice, and a whole bunch of soybeans. Soybeans are incredibly, unbelievably cheap. Like $10-20 for five pounds of the stuff. Overall, homemade tofu’s a winner.  I could explain how to make tofu but that sounds boring, so check this out: http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Make-Tofu

2. Seitan

Slightly more expensive than tofu, but totally delicious, seitan is usually called a “vegan meat substitute.” This is silly. It is a delicious spongey-textured substance that, yes, can be used in place of meat in recipes, but it’s really nothing like meat. It’s like seitan. Therefore, omnivores can and should add seitan to our rotation of protein sources, if for nothing else, than for variety.

Seitan gets its awesomely weird texture from its main ingredient, Vital Wheat Gluten. This is the gluten from wheat, obviously – basically what’s left when you wash the starch out of the wheat.

Vital wheat gluten is a protein powerhouse. In one, JUST ONE, ounce of the stuff you get 21 GRAMS of protein. You only get 4g of carbs and 104 calories.

This recipe is easy enough to explain so I’ll just go ahead and do it here. Boil a big pot of water with a few tablespoons molasses and soy sauce. Take 2c vital wheat gluten, throw in some herbs (powdered ginger, garlic powder, marjoram, oregano, you know, whatever), a couple tablespoons soy sauce, and mix it with 1c of water (add more as necessary). Knead it up for a few minutes, slice it, and throw it in the pot for an hour or so.

Happy eating!

*This is in no way intended to imply that the Edukatorz don’t like beef. I’ll have my burger rare, still mooing if possible, thank you very much.

A type of aperitif, vermouths are essentially aromatized, fortified wines (I’ll explain that a bit more in a minute). The word vermouth is derived from the German word for wormwood (the unjustly infamous ingredient in absinthe), “wermut,”which was one of the botanicals commonly added to vermouths. Wikipedia says that fortified wines with wormwood as the principal ingredient were being produced in Germany dating back to the 16th century, and while I don’t particularly trust Wikipedia when it comes to spirits*, that seems to make sense with the etymology of “vermouth.”

Vermouth producers basically take a wine, blend it with mistelle (sweetened grape juice or brandy), and steep a bunch of weird herbs and other botanicals (think gin) in the mix for a couple of weeks. Then they strain the herbs and junk, emulsify the now-aromatized brandy and wine together, pasteurize it, and let it sit in the fridge for another couple of weeks. The refrigeration allows impurities to crystallize and then be filtered out. NB: Keep your vermouths refrigerated at home – they have a relatively low alcohol content and it’ll keep their flavor longer.

 Originally, what we know as vermouth today was sweet vermouth (like in a Manhattan). It’s also called Italian vermouth, since it was a style produced in Italy. In 1800, Joseph Noilly introduced the “dry” style inFrance, which, for obvious reasons, we can also call “French” vermouth. They use different botanical blends (although these are proprietary to each brand), and further, sweet vermouth has a much higher sugar content and is usually dark reddish in color. There are also blush vermouths (I like Martini & Rossi’s Rosato vermouth in a vodka martini).

I could drone on about all the boring production and historical aspects of vermouth, but instead let’s get to the good stuff: drinking it. We talked a little about sweet vermouth in our Manhattan discussion, so let’s concentrate on dry vermouth now. As I’m sure you’re aware, dry vermouth is most commonly found in a Dry Martini. This cocktail was popularized around the beginning of the 20th century, as dry vermouth started showing up in American bars**.  The Martini likely evolved from aMartinez(which, by the way, is FREAKING DELICIOUS. I’ll save that recipe for when I talk about Old Tom Gin/Genever), but in its modern form it’s just gin (or vodka, more recently) and dry vermouth.

Now, one very important point to understand, unless you like looking like an idiot: A MARTINI IS THE NAME OF A SPECIFIC COCKTAIL. A martini consists of some proportion of gin (or vodka) stirred with vermouth and garnished with an olive (or citrus peel, or an onion, except with an onion it becomes The Gibson). Therefore, if you want liquor and no vermouth, you are not ordering a martini. You are ordering chilled liquor, served in a martini glass. Say it with me: “I’ll have Gray Goose, up, with a [twist, olive, etc.].” In the same vein, appletinis and such aren’t martinis, they’re just served in martini glasses.

If you like your martini with just a little vermouth, order it “dry.” This, of course, is illogical, because more vermouth makes the martini taste dryer, but when it comes to alcohol, a lot of drunks tend to drunkenly name things wrong, so just go with it.

BASIC DRY MARTINI

A good default recipe.

Glass: Martini

Garnish: Olive or Lemon Peel

2 oz. Gin (or Vodka)

.75 oz. Dry Vermouth

-stir, strain.

BEAKER’S GIBSON

This is how I order my go-to gin-and-vermouth drink and you should too.

Glass: Martini

Garnish: As many cocktail onions as you can fit on a toothpick.

2 oz. Any tasty gin (I like Junipero a lot)

1 oz. Dry Vermouth

3 DashesOrangeBitters

-shake the living crap out of it, double strain.

VESPER

The original James Bond martini.

Glass: Martini

Garnish: Lemon Twist

3 oz. Gordon’s gin

1 oz. Grain vodka

.5 oz. Lillet Blanc

1-2 DashesOrangeBitters

-shake or stir, strain (double strain it if you shake, please).

*I do think Wikipedia is a very useful and informative tool for killing boredom, but the information in articles on alcohol tends to run in the vein of a game of telephone or just half-understood bar legends and hearsay. Which does sort of make sense.

**And, obviously, Americans invented cocktails, so vermouth didn’t go with gin until the Americans started fucking with it.

Some years ago, R&B God-King Robert Sylvester Kelly released a song with lil’ Weezy called “make it rain,” once again spawning legions of imitators across the globe. Always an innovator, Kellz saw through conspicuous consumption and cut out the middle man. Throwing money away by throwing money away all over the dancefloor, or “making it rain” became a brief craze. Alas, the common man did not carry the making it rain movement forward through the difficult years to come. You see, that is one of the many attributes making R. Kelly different from an average person such as you. An average person can throw away money until they run out. R. Kelly is the monsoon. He may not always be making it rain on you, but you know that it’s somebody’s birthday tonight… Somewhere.

He also postulated an important causal relationship about the dynamics of bottle service as practiced in the contemporary upscale American club. Observe:

“Don’t get it twisted. You see, I order one bottle, then I fuck with one model. Then I order more bottles, now I got more models”

This relationship underlies the economics and philosophy not only of R. Kelly himself but several major cities. For example, over 100% of the import tonnage recorded reaching the port of Miami is dedicated to serving that city’s bottle and model industry. (Reliable sources inform me there is a minor discrepancy between the documented shipping into the port and what actually lands on the docks. How and why that occurs I must leave to your fruitful imagination.)

In any case, for the purpose of your edukation it’s critical to realize that this relationship can be expressed quantitatively. Note that Kellz’ lyric omits many details, because he is a “big picture” type of guy in all matters except those of the bedroom. For example, he knows models. More bottles means more bottles.

What if there are no models around? Do bottles summon new models? Not necessarily. Ever observed pitiful loners drinking alone, surrounded by bottles but with no models in sight? Sad, I know. You might have been one of those losers before you found the EDUKATORZ. The important point is that models are autocatalytic- the presence of one guarantees the appearance of more on accumulation of the proper fuel, but conversely many bottles can accumulate in the complete absence of models.

Let us assume that models increase as the square of bottles. This is expressed as the equation

Models = K_elly*n²
Where n is the number of bottles we poppin’ and K_elly is a constant pimp game correction factor with units of models per squared bottles. To defer the expense and logistical difficulties of developing a research center for the study bottles and models and calibration under controlled laboratory conditions, let us temporarily set this constant K_elly=1.

Thus, if n=1, we have one bottle and one model.
If n=2, we have two bottles and four models.
If n=3, we have three bottles and nine models.

According to your friend the Federal
Government of the United States of America, $253,000 was the average home sale price the year Kellz released this masterpiece to the world.

If we speak from experience and inform you that a bottle of top shelf liquor at a contemporary club in the elite class costs $400, gratuity included, your house is worth approximately n=632.5 bottles.

With six hundred thirty-two and one half bottles you can secure the affection of  400,056 models. (Plus one ugly skank at an exchange rate of 4 skanks per model)

The population of Miami was 380,625 souls at the turn of the millennium.

Thus, I have irrefutably proven that if you sell your house to pop bottles, the entire city of Miami, Florida will have sex with you.

The current forecast for Miami is partly cloudy with an 80% chance of SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET WEATHERMAN BOUT TO MAKE IT RAIN.

Consider yourself EDUKATED.

Welcome back to our

Bibliophobia – Fear of books.

Knowledge is power, people. You can’t be prepared without it. But that’s why this column is here, safely on the interwebs, away from the scary library.

Bromidrophobia or Bromidrosiphobia – Fear of body smells.

Ablutophobics (this is a pop quiz!), you’re just driving the circle of fear. For shame!

Ebulliophobia – fear of bubbles.

I don’t really have any commentary on this one, it’s just pretty rad.

Lutraphobia – fear/dislike of otters.

Otters are adorable. How could you dislike otters?*

Heliophobia – fear of sunlight.

You’re not surviving long with this one. Unless you’re a vampire.

Technophobia – fear of technology.

I wonder if my somewhat obsessive fear of The Robot uprising falls into this category?

Andddddd last but not least:

Phobophobia – fear of having a phobia.**

*Fish, however. That makes sense.

**I apologize for this series to any readers suffering from phobophobia. I promise it’s the last one, please come back to our website!

Did u c our awesome bill 2 fix US economy? Chinas gonna b soooo pisssed, lulz! BTW r u still down 2 c real steel on fri?

xoxo,

The US Senate

Dear Senate,

While we are of course flattered that you are such fans of our humble blog, we really must insist that you get back to work on actual problems, like unemployment. Since we imagine that’s something of a reach, we’ll at least try and recommend some more constructive reading for you.

We assume your email is expressing self-satisfaction at the passage of Sherrod Brown‘s bill regarding currency manipulation. For those who don’t know, China’s currency is seriously undervalued -meaning their exports are cheaper than they should be – and for years there’s been much political grandstanding in Washington about forcing them to revalue it. Politicians enjoy this kind of bombast because it makes a convenient scapegoat for the failure of the US manufacturing sector and distracts from their inability to make any concerted effort to address the real problems. This means they are more likely to get elected again, which is good for politicians, because then they get to stay on TV and look important.

While China has, in fact, been allowing the value of the yuan to rise, the rhetoric against that nation’s central bank is considered by many to be an excellent distraction from our nation’s myriad economic woes. However, China isn’t very happy about being a scapegoat, and the Senate bill is already proving somewhat counterproductive. Caught up now, readers?

So, Senate, back to you. The Edukatorz have precisely two words for you: Smoot. Hawley. Capish? No, of course you don’t. We understand that Wikipedia has too many big words for your little heads to manage. We’ll try to break it down for you:

In 1929, a bad thing called The Great Depression started in the US, and eventually happened around the world. Stock markets crashed and that ruined all the other sectors of the economy and yes, you guessed it, everyone got very very depressed. And poor. So, in 1930, a Senator named Smoot and a Congressman named Hawley got together and decided it would be a good idea to protect American goods by raising tariffs against everyone else. They were mad about losing money, just like you, and they decided to blame foreigners just like you are blaming China.

Can you guess what happened next? A trade war. That’s what turned a teensy-weensy recession into The Great Depression. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen if you pull this kind of shit with China. And Senator Smoot and Representative Hawley? They lost their re-election campaigns! Think about it.

What’s that? Oh, it’s never getting to the House floor? Well, how do you know that? It’s already a step closer and Boehner’s got a lot of pressure to take it up. Oh, you think the American voter in your manufactures-strong state is going to forgive you when all of a sudden they can’t afford their daughter’s lead-painted Chinese-made Barbie doll for Christmas because you started a trade war? We may be dumb, but we’re not that dumb. And if we’re dumb enough to believe it’s all China’s fault and you’re doing all you can to fix our economy… well, fuck it, I guess in that case we deserve you.

Sincerely,

The Edukatorz

PS – Not going to make Real Steel on Friday, we have a date with Ban Ki-Moon to see Moneyball, and to be honest, we think it’s best for our reputation if we’re not seen with you in public.

We might be obsessed with Arrested Development.

Really great collection of cool/educational videos.

Men in pin-up girl poses, half creepy, half hilarious.

 Facebook Official.

Look, a tiny Doctor Who episode!

Hipsters are the Opposite of Ninjas
If you think like the Edukatorz, a conundrum that has occupied a lot of thinking time is the question of the opposite of the ninja. Luckily, we Edukatorz are great thinkers, and have discovered the answer: the opposite of ninja is hipster.

Hipsters Dress Flamboyantly

Hipsters wear way too much neon to dress anything like a ninja. While a ninja needs to wear dark clothing to blend in, a hipster dresses him/herself with the opposite intention: to stand out. Further, a typical hipster outfit includes skinny jeans or leggings. Clearly, there is not enough room to hide shuriken in such an outfit.

Strength

A ninja trains for years to do things like climb trees, flip off buildings and, occasionally, fly. Hipsters, however, are incapable of physical activity beyond the strength it takes to ride a fixed gear bicycle or walk to the bodega to buy a pack of American Spirits.

Hipsters take drugs; Ninjas make drugs
Ninjas know the secrets of drugs and poisons to confuse or kill their victim. Hipsters know about drugs that confuse or kill themselves.

Native Habitat
A ninja belongs in feudal Japan, a land of scenic manors and epic battles. A hipster’s native environment is a small bar, a land of grimy floors and strange music.

Weaponry

Ninjas command a range of weaponry intended to kill their victim. The closest things a hipster has to weaponry would be his/her sunglasses over a nice Hipster Death Stare.

Choice of Beverage
Hipsters drink Sparks at night and lattes during the day (although they will generally claim the latte is black coffee). Ninjas, as everyone knows, drink only the dew collected on blades of grass at dawn.

Ninjas are disciplined, serious and stealthy. Hipsters are unruly, ridiculous and loud.
Nuff said.

Oikophobia – fear of home surroundings and household appliances.

Someone fell asleep with flying toasters on as a child?

Sichuaphobia – fear of Chinese food.

Indian food, however, has no documented phobia that I know of.

Basiphobia – Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.

That sounds problematic.*

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia – fear of the number 666.

I can understand a Christian developing this fear, but name is the important thing here. Awesome, awesome word.

Cherophobia – Fear of gaiety.

That’s just depressing. I mean, literally, that’s sad.

*But anything that reminds of Arrested Development makes the Edukatorz happy.

Kabocha is Japanese for squash and is essentially a Japanese pumpkin. But you may be saying to yourselves, isn’t squash a native Mesoamerican plant? Why yes it is! Portuguese sailors brought kabocha to Japan in 1541 from Cambodia (where they had cultivated it). Luckily for us the Japanese have a penchant for the squash and put it in delicious, delicious tempura.

Kabocha is very similar to pumpkins so it’s very starchy and almost potato like in consistency. It’s also pretty sweet. This variety of squash is also super healthy for you and has a ton of beta carotene, Vitamin C, folic acid and fiber.

Cooking kabocha is super easy. If you don’t feel like making tempura, you can steam, roast, stuff or microwave the vegetable. Our favorite way to make it is to roast it with a little olive oil and salt until it starts to brown on the edges of the skin. We also like to mess with people and make a pie out of it instead of using pumpkin. You can usually find this squash at the farmers market, but nicer grocery stores will probably have it as well.

Tell us in the comments what your favorite winter squash is and why.

So, don’t get us wrong. We are not actually writing more frequently or anything. We just decided that since we’re 10 months into this blog, there are some very important edukational gems that might get overlooked by new readers, or ones that old readers should be reminded of. In that spirit, we’ll be re-posting old posts on Sundays, and hopefully providing your cranky Monday-morning brain with that much more internet distraction. Enjoy!

Cut. It. Out.

Dave Coulier and awesome are not two words you’d normally put together. He’s no Bob Saget or John Stamos, but Dave Coulier is probably more awesome than you think (though not that awesome).

1) Get Yourself on a Hit Show

No one would have ever heard of Dave Coulier if it wasn’t for Full House. Get onto a family-friendly long running iconic television show and you’re much closer to being awesome.

2) Date Singer-Songwriters

Fun fact: Dave Coulier dated Alanis Morisette and was the inspiration for her song “You Outta Know.” Think about what would’ve happened if Dave Coulier hadn’t of dated the Canadian songstress? We may never have had Jagged Little Pill. Dave’s 15 years older than Alanis Morisette and they started dating when she was 19. Well done Dave.

3) Make Bank off of Kids

Yeah, so Dave makes bank off of kids, he has his own children’s entertainment production company, stars in cartoons and children’s live action shows and has a ‘family friendly’ comedy touring group. So he makes a living being clean and appealing to ankle-biters, not that awesome, but money is awesome.