I wished for a quiet year in 2011 – a year with my family, friends, new home, and work. I wished for no big changes, no surprises, and good sleep. I got all minus the last one. But I compensated by learning to cook and experimenting in my new kitchen.

Now in 2012 I have almost no resolutions, and I’m happy with that. And that’s because I made sure to ask the following questions in advance:

1. What do you want to achieve?

It should be something positive – not something you want to quit, let go of or stop. If you want to lose a bad habit, turn it into a good habit instead. Focus on the bright side

2. Is it about YOU?

Make sure that your resolution is something for yourself, not something to please others. You won’t be motivated if it’s not something you truly want, but only feel obligated to accomplish.

3. How did you do in 2011?

Look at the past year. Is it something you missed or couldn’t do before? Did you really want to do it but something else prevented you? Make a benchmark – start from somewhere.

4. How does it fit with 2012?

How does this resolution integrate with who you want to be next year? How does it fit in the greater scheme of your life? Does it really matter in your journey over the next year?

5. How does it connect with your identity?

What does this resolution say about you and who you want to be?

Having these in mind, you might end up with only one or two resolutions – but you will feel these are the right ones for you. If you’re looking for further inspiration try this link.

And you know what? Fewer resolutions are easier to keep in mind and keep track of.

So, what do YOU want to do in 2012?

Inspired by the recent Time Management infograph in DOR Magazine (the infograph was made by Quickdata.ro but for some reason can’t be found on their website, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to buy the magazine ) I set out to research a bit on Jevons’ Paradox.

Jevons’ Paradox :

- The more efficiently a resource is used, the more the demand for it will increase.

- Accept this: the more productive you will be and the better you use your time, the more your time will be needed.

(for the full infograph: “Tac-Tic”, page 14 DOR magazine, #7. )

Jevons Paradox is actually more than 150 years old. During the time of the Industrial Revolution, this guy called William Stanley Jevons discovered that actually the efficiency of coal as the new fuel energy resource made coal consumption rise even faster.

In short, the fact that coal was more efficient as a source of energy made the demand for coal rise even faster.

Let’s make a parallel with your time.

If you’re more efficient/productive with your time, naturally you’re the kind of person that:

- estimates quite well how long a task will take

- prioritizes often and well

- knows how to book time in the calendar for her tasks

…and tends to overwhelm her calendar because she knows she still has 10 minutes to call mother, check email, get dressed and do her hair.

Ironically enough, the more efficient you are, the more crowded your calendar can get.

What do you think about this paradox?

This is a post inspired by my Power Tool submission for my coaching training. A Power Tool is an antagonism (two opposite concepts) that a client can use to his benefit in one extreme or the other. I chose to write about Control.

Control vs Freedom

We live in an era of multitasking, and we find ourselves having to accomplish so much more in less time. When we see everything like a checklist from which we have to tick off tasks, no wonder we develop into time management junkies or control freaks.

The need to control may arise from social pressure. Even since childhood, we are taught specific norms – “You have to be good to your siblings”; “You have to get straight A’s or you won’t get to a good college”; “You have to work hard otherwise you won’t get results”. In the end what results is a sort of psychological conditioning that “If” something gets done in a proper way, “Then” an appropriate result will be the consequence.

What happens in our mind when the mechanism of control gets started is a need to do something because “that’s the rule”, “that’s how it has to be done”.
For example, people who experience the need to control usually motivate their behavior by saying “but it has to be done exactly this way”.

Words such as “I have to”, “he/she/it has to”, “I must”, “it’s required” and similar show a mechanism of control. Often what happens is that the person who has a greater need to control ultimately ends placing a much higher stress on him or herself,
Moreover, the person who controls sees herself responsible for the results, and may end up blaming herself unnecessarily and harming her own self confidence when these results do not happen.

Let’s take an example.
Let’s say Jill is a housewife with two kids, one of which has problems in school. Jill makes her son specific schedules for study and checks his homework every day, in hope that by close examination and control she can influence the results. Once her son doesn’t bring home the desired A’s, she sees herself as a bad mother and places even closer supervision on her son. Ultimately, the whole environment damages their relationship.
Jill is caught in a vicious cycle of controlling and blaming herself, while her son will hide his grades, being afraid of her judgment. He will build a defense mechanism by talking less and less about school in an attempt to shut her control out. However this will only fuel her need of supervision, involvement and control.

What reverse mechanism could be used against the need to control?
The opposite of control is letting go. Freedom is letting go.
Freedom means not caring for the results, and not seeing oneself responsible.

If freedom is taken to an extreme, like with control it can become damaging – a certain degree of responsibility should be maintained. For example, seeing oneself not responsible for the end result but at least for one’s contribution in the process.

Freedom can be synonym with allowing ourselves the choice; recognizing the need to attain a certain result and asking ourselves yet again:
“Is this result really necessary?”
“Do I really have to be there at 3? What will happen if I am 5 minutes late?”
“Am I required to always have dinner for the family every day? What if we go out or order take out once a week?”
“Does it have to be clean always before guests arrive?”

How can we cultivate a healthy degree of freedom?
Allow spontaneity in our lives. When going on a trip for example, we could not plan every single step of the way, and simply venture on unknown roads. Sometimes we may end up in more interesting places.
Allow unplanned things to take over. People who need to control tend to worry a lot when something unplanned comes up, because it messes up their entire agenda. Allowing your agenda to be messed up, from time to time, builds a healthy mindset.
Bask in chaos. Walking in crowds, going out for no reason, leaving the phone/watch at home, intentionally, these are all reverse mechanisms that make complete control impossible. However, it’s not indicated to do the same with your credit card!

By choosing to let go, you can work on your own response, and by building internal awareness and strength in the face of shifting priorities, you can begin to internalize freedom.
Because, in the end, freedom is an inner state, just like control, and balance is created from the shift between them.

I’m conducting a series of 4 trainings on communication (although I’m not a full time trainer: it just came out that way). And I’m not an expert on communication or building relationships either. Heck, I would even say that is one of my weak areas. But I guess at a certain stage I decided I was going to do something about it, and started focusing, reading and experimenting. And somewhere along the way, I was asked to build these skills for other people. I said yes.

Why is Communication (along with Time Management and Presentation skills) one of the most sought after trainings?

Why do people even believe that in 2 days someone is going to teach/train them how to better communicate?

I struggled with this question for a few days before starting to build my half-day training. Ultimately, I gave up. I realized I was not going to make better communicators out of my colleagues. They were not going to go back to their production lines and start spreading positive feedback and smiles. So I set outwith just one objective: make them more aware.

I really believe this for training in general: it takes you from indifference to being aware of some changes you want to make. Some great trainings go beyond that – they make you also experiment on those changes and see if they would work. They set a safe environment and make you practice then and there. But in the end, it’s still up to you if you continue that change – INTERNALIZE  the learning – outside the classroom.

So how does this work for a communication training?

I had very little time, so I made it a “communication pill” more than a training. I packed lots of exercises that could trigger “Aha!” moments and coupled them with examples from participants’ work areas.
But the most important thing was that I asked at the beginning what was one thing they would like to improve.

Setting awareness and picking an area to work on is the first ingredient of change.

Then, during the training, I made several comebacks at the areas they had set in the beginning, to keep awareness on them. Normally, in a 2-3 days training you would be able to see improvements on the spot – and this gives people the courage, confidence and enthusiasm to move forward and continue. But in a half day training all I could do is place a spotlight and raise some flags.

So, the half-day training compressed in a few lines, what would it be?

1. Pick an area you want to work on. For example: Dealing with difficult people; organizing own ideas and presenting them; being convincing; overcoming anger; giving feedback; motivating the team… and the list can go on.
Be as specific as possible.

2. Have someone – your colleagues, your boss, someone you trust – give you an honest evaluation on where you currently stand. Agree on the “delta” – where you want to get vs where you are now.

3. Study, go to trainings, read. Gather as many skills as possible. For this stage it’s ok to stick with the theory.

4. Prepare: Pick those occurences where the issue comes up most often. Imagine how you should deal with them in a better way: keeping your calm; delivering a great presentation (what does “great” mean to you?) and so on.

5. Practice. Do scenarios in your mind. Ask a friend to role-play with you. Discuss with your mentor. Get a coach and work on establishing options and resources for such situations.

6. After the first occurence of the issue – and your new behavior – BE AWARE. How did it work? What did you do differently? How did it feel? What went wrong? How easy was it for you to realize when the moment came?

For example, if you want to not get angry with a difficult colleague, it might be difficult to realize the anger before it comes. It might be difficult to control it.
But keeping awareness, even AFTER the fact, and analyzing the situation still means you’re committed for the change.

Internalizing comes with practice. It comes with awareness. It comes with not letting go.

Keep up the good work!

In a different life, my dream job is to be a librarian.

I spent many autumn and winter afternoons in the Bucharest British Council library, near a roof window facing trees and grey skies.

While working 3 months in Chicago, one of my favorite places was the Library – the large one with 7 floors, in the center. And I would borrow the maximum allowed number of books, every time.

When in bookshops (Carturesti, anyone?) I have to extract myself forcefully, after an hour or so.

I try very hard to keep myself away from Amazon. Otherwise I would break the limits of my credit card.

So I end up having stashes of books to read.

My ideal living room would look something like this:

So the inevitable question that arises is …WHEN?

I found that reading while commuting (especially with headphones and a nice musical background) is the finest experience. Except you also need to keep an eye open to not miss your stop.

You wouldn’t want to get off at the end of the line. Or…you might, if your book is REALLY that good.

Also, reading in bed, on rainy Sunday mornings, is the best. It makes me want to pull out my Carlos Ruiz Zafon (n.a. Spanish dramatic dark gothic author) collection.

Reading non-fiction books can be less entertaining, but skimming them also works. Learn to photo-read, and you may spend less time researching, taking notes. But really, don’t photo-read fiction literature – that’s better enjoyed slowly.

Why reading is medicine for the brain:

1. It deconnects you from the daily hubbub.

2. It provides insight into someone else’s mind and may help you get insights of your own.

3. It is a dive in a different world.

4. It provokes imagination. Nevermind all the movies made – nothing could compare to how YOU pictured it the first time you read the book.

5. It connects you with other people. Remember how you shared enthusiasm when discovering you and someone else had the same favorite book or author?

6. It provides a unique experience – like any piece or art, books unfold differently for individuals.

7. For a brief period of time, you ARE someone else, and away from your problems or stress. When I read, I gasp, cry or smile with the characters. I’m sure that’s interesting to watch from the outside.

8. It builds knowledge. How to better understand history than by reading literature set in that era?

9. It builds vocabulary - without you even noticing!

10. By reading several books by a certain author, you begin to understand that person’s point of view and personal philosophy. That’s an interesting experience, considering you may be hundreds of years apart.

So, next time you have 15 minutes to spare, take a book and dive in…

1. Sleep in late and get up at around 9-9:30.

I’m aware that’s a luxury. Sometimes my inner clock kicks in on weekends and so I wake up at 7:30.

But then, if I can, I stay in bed, watch movies and read.

2. Eat a very healthy meal.

Don’t you get annoyed at yourself when several days pass and you eat mostly junk food? I get even a different taste in my mouth. That’s why I really love it when I get the chance to prepare (or be served) a really healthy meal. Like a salad with eggs and tuna, or a huge fruit juice freshly squeezed.

3. Draw or paint.

I have the feeling that in order to draw or paint I need to be in a certain state, and most times I’m either too tired, busy or mentally unfocused to devote myself to it. But I’m aware that it’s all in the mind, and we should be able to disconnect and smell the flowers…at least once in a while.

4. Read a good book.

I used to work at a company where the commute was about 30 minutes each day, and that time was almost 100% spent reading. I used to be the kind of girl who brings a book with her everywhere (now I do that with my laptop, not funny, I know…) Books are such a wonderful companions, and can be great conversation openers.

5. Walk in the sun.

Now, at the end of summer, we hardly miss the light and warmth, but I’m sure in a few weeks we’ll all be longing for a day in the sun. Sun is not only healthy and helps our body produce vitamins,  but it also cures depression. It’s been scientifically proven that exposure to natural light makes you happier, healthier and livelier.

6. Laugh very loud.

“A day without a laugh is a lost day”, right?
A friend of mine tells jokes like no one (and has a laugh to match, you can hear it from afar). She makes me see that there is often a sunnier side of anything. One time, when she couldn’t find arguments, she simply tickled me until I was too tired to push her away and started laughing…

7. Have a conversation with my husband.

Not in the “Hi honey, I’m home kind of way”, but in that way that encourages ideas sharing, and knowing the other one better. Liz Gilbert says in her book “Committed” that one of the best things about marriage is that it promotes a certain kind of intimacy, that goes beyond physical. And that it can be best understood by the late-night talks between couples..about nothing.

8. Daydream.

When I was 16, I turned my desk to face the window, and although it messed up the room furniture balance pretty bad, I still remember as I “studied” with fiction books below my study manuals, and watched the clouds for hours, sipping tea. I wonder how many people still reserve the luxury to look out their windows and think of nothing in particular.

9. Create something tangible.

Nowadays, the easiest way to do that is to cook. In the movie “Julie and Julia”, Amy Adams’s character says  ” I love that after a day when nothing is sure, and when I say “nothing” I mean nothing,you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It’s such a comfort.”
But cooking is not the only thing. A doodle, a letter, a flower that grew in your garden, a nice piece of jewelry or a handmade piece of clothing are all things you can create…some not in a single day, but for sure they are a joy when you look at them and they are finished.

10. Feel connected. But really.

Don’t you love it when you and a good friend finish each other’s sentences? Or when you talk with someone and they say “I know exactly how you feel”, but don’t continue by saying “..and let me tell you how it was for me”?

Or simply, when you have the feeling that everything in this world just clicks together, and maybe it’s not all right and perfect, but it just is. Including yourself.

I wish I would do these things every day. Just thinking about them makes me happy.
Do you have a preferred to-do-list?

I haven’t been posting for more than a month, which, in blogger terms, is unexcusable.
I haven’t posted not because of lack of ideas, but of lack of ability to get myself together and do something constructive.

Instead, I kept having long conversations with myself, especially at night during my insomnia hours.
It seems that lack of sleep does help one thing. The mind gets revenge for all the time it didn’t get to daydream.

And there are a few conclusions I have come to.

1. I work better, feel better and have many more ideas, somewhere between HECTIC and LAX.

I hear too many people saying they work best under pressure.
Yes, but only for a short period of time.
Later, your brain will kick in to demand that time off. And you will find yourself not being able to shut down, or wanting to shut down so badly, you’ll be unable to do anything else than lounge on the couch and watch TV.
And believe me, that is not relaxing.

2. I love it when I’m able to make a connection with other people.

Like at a wedding, when I met an old acquaintance I haven’t spoken to in more than 10 years, and we hit it off by discussing the meaning of life and the search for happiness.

I said “well you seem to be on the same journey as I am. Let me share a few of my learnings so far. And I’d appreciate if you would share yours.”

That was one interesting conversation.

3. The most powerful question I have come up with, so far, is this.

What are you learning new about yourself?

How is this goal, this road you are on now, helping you find new things about yourself?

4. I am experimenting with understanding how self-love (or self-esteem) and the search for meaning are connected.

It seems this is corrrect – people who are ok with themselves and the world around, have a much easier time finding their way.

Us, the rest, who need an external purpose, we need it because we see it as a prop for our inner self.

Life coaching – and finding your purpose, your way through life – is very much about starting from a positive ground.

Sometimes, awareness can be this positive ground. Lifting your eyes from the mundane and looking around.
Where are you on this road?

What are you finding out, that’s new?
How is your climb? Do you see the top?

See you along the way.

Does this look familiar to you?

You wake up. You stumble to the batroom, brush your teeth, get dressed, gulp down some coffee, head to work, answer emails, answer phone calls, answer questions, sit down in meetings while thinking about the shopping list for the evening, drive home, clean up, cook, eat, wash, go to bed. And worry about the next day. And the next after that.

Am I the only one who can’t quiet down the chatter in my brain?

I tell myself too often “I should stop and focus. I should meditate more often. I should just stand in the sun and drink my coffee outside each morning.”

And yes, I started to do that.

Do you know how long it takes me to stand in the sun and drink my coffee in the morning?

Between 30 seconds and one minute.

And if I try to meditate, what goes on is similar to this:

So, how do you stop the chatter in your brain?

I think this is a generation disease.

We get so worked up, so used to doing something, all the time, that we can’t stop anymore.
Slowing down is considered a disgrace.

Anyway, since I’m on the working side of the barricade now, and can’t claim to have found any ground-breaking tips & tricks, here are some things I’m experimenting with:

1. Monotone sounds

I’ve been having trouble sleeping for a few months now (I know, that’s too soft to be called insomnia).
And recently I’ve been starting to use this app, which can also be set to play while at work…or pretty much anywhere.  I suppose I Phone users can also find something similar.

The principle is – white noise, ocean waves, regular drum rhythm – focusing on a regular and monotone sound can help the brain relax.

2. Visualisation.

Did you ever try to say to yourself “I’m not going to think about anything now. Not think, not think….I wonder if I’m thinking that I shouldn’t be thinking, does this count as thinking?”

And then your thought process ends up like a ball of messy strings.

The trick is to focus the mind on one thing, not to let it wander. I use visualisation of a drop of water. Or focusing on my breath. Or a white dot on a black canvas.

3. Stillness.

There’s a Yoga exercise that’s recommended to be used just before you go to bed.

Sadly, you can’t really use it in your office if you want to relax.

You’re supposed to be lying on the floor, face up, palms upward, and then focus your attention to one part of your body at the time. After you acknowledge your feet, you relax them, and move to the lower part of your legs. And so on.

4. Light and Dark.

I find that gradually decreasing the light as I prepare for bed helps me unwind. Also, if I’m at work and I lower the light a bit, I give my brain the signal to slow down, and ironically enough, work better. I work very well on rainy days and ever since highschool preferred to have a dark room with only a single light, to study. Probably that’s why, darker rooms start my “cozy but focused” mindset.

I wouldn’t recommend dimming the light if you’re tired, however…it might only make you feel more sleepy.

5. Letting go

This is something I didn’t get the hang of, yet. I think most of us people with brain chatter issues tend to have a tendency to over worry.

Hence, we are unable to just let things go and accept the flow.

Even when I can’t sleep, and feel the first signs of dream state approaching, I think to myself “Oh! I’m finally falling asleep!” and ironically enough, this gets me active again, and sleep goes away. Isn’t it annoying?

I know, it’s so easy to say “Just let it go. Stop wanting to control it. Whatever will be, will be.”

Perhaps someone out there could open my head, put this button in there, and help me turn it off.

Until then, I leave you with the following useful links of wiser people:

http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/04/resilience_for_the_rest_of_us.html

http://www.instigatorblog.com/how-to-turn-off-your-brain/2006/10/23/

http://www.anxietyrecovery.com/tips.htm

I’ve recently started recognizing people (outside work environment) who work in multinationals. They have a certain way of behaving and, of course, personal idiosyncrasies (or as we say it in Romanian, “pitici”, or “stoluri”).

On the other hand, there are some valuable lessons I’ve learned, some not yet mastered, while working almost 6 years for corporations. These lessons,  even if  not rocket science, help in day to day life at work, and they can help even in personal life. Raise your hand, those who used delegation at home! (*raises hand*)

So, without further ado, here goes:

1. Ownership. If you come with an idea, don’t shove it on another person’s plate. Own it fully, and even if you delegate it at some point, be aware that you are still responsible if the other person fails.

2. Follow-up is not embarassing. People are busy. Sometimes they will even be thankful if you call or send a “kind reminder” message.
Following-up the third time, however, is annoying to both sides. That’s when escalation (calling the person’s boss) could be the right thing to do.

3. Say what you want. Don’t assume that giving hints will make the other person know what you want them to do. Say it, and say it clearly. Write it down if needed.

4. Say by when. If you get (or give) an assignment, a project or task, estimate a delivery date. Don’t assume you know. Check.

5.  If you can’t do it, say why not, and say it openly. You might be surprised of the help you will get.

6. Facts are hard to beat. A proper, fact-based argument goes a longer way than a sparkling vision. If you have an opinion, or an idea, be prepared to go into the practicalities.

7. Pre-alignment goes even a longer way. Don’t assume that since your idea or project is so brilliant, everyone will agree with it. Check their opinions first, and incorporate their views.

8. If you call for a meeting, send out an agenda first, and tell the people you invite what you want from them. You’ll find that, not only will they be much more engaged in the discussion, but you might be better at conveying the message, since you’ve made it clear in your mind.

9. Don’t be rude - you don’t know when you will need the other person’s help. That’s the “be friends with the GM’s Secretary” principle taken one notch higher.

10. It’s not compulsory to know some personal details of people you work with. But it sure helps. Dale Carnegie used it very well, and apparently his book on “How to win friends and influence people” still is on the best selling personal development books list. Being a half-introvert, I’m so not good at this one.

As said, I’m not writing the above from a master’s, but from a learner’s perspective.  Working in a corporation might at times be hard, exhausting, or annoying, but it sure teaches you business manners. That’s one of the things I really like.

Good luck!

Note:
Procrastination is the nasty habit of postponing things that need to get done. All the time.
On the other hand, if you’re not so familiar with Procrastination, you might not be needing this article, because you’re a very happy and efficient person.

So much has been written in the Productivity Bloging realm about Procrastination – two of my favorite sources are Stepcase Lifehack and Zen Habits:

How to Overcome Procrastination

How to Procrastinate

11 Practical Ways to stop Procrastinating

Dead Simple Guide to Procrastination

The Little Book of Procrastination.

Ok, so what could I say more than the obviously -much-more -productive people who wrote these posts?

Procrastination is not a habit – it’s more like an addiction.

First, there was one thing going through my mind as I read all the articles.

I don’t really want to do the damn thing I procrastinate about.

It’s like smoking or spending money addiction. You know it’s bad for you, you know you should stop. But somehow, there’s this thing, holding you back. The pleasure deriving from the addiction is greater than the pain afflicted.

In other words, the pleasure of doing other stuff, or postponing, is greater than the pain of actually getting to do that damn thing.

So in the end it’s about two options:

Either (1) you start using an enormous amount of willpower to get over it, and get that thing done.

or (2) at a point in time the pain will be larger than the pleasure, and you will HAVE to do it.

All these articles assume you’re already in point (1), where you have the willpower, and you only need a few tips on how to get it going.

What if you’re not already there? Is it hopeless? Will you be a deadline-trasher for the rest of your life? Will your phone bills remain unpaid and your expense reports undone?

I think it’s about realizing how important that thing is to you.

If it’s not a critical goal, worry less, see if it’s the kind of thing that either won’t be needed, or forgotten, or someone else will do it.

If, however, it’s that important to you, then – well – you probably already found the time to do it.

If you haven’t, then it’s not a critical goal and automatically falls into category A.

I know my procrastination “clients”: Expense reports, blog posts, and starting to write my coaching research paper. Are they killer goals? No. It’s just about balancing how much I can really manage.

So, don’t feel bad about procrastination. It’s a healthy addiction, after all. If we wouldn’t have it, we’d all be responsible and efficient people, getting everything done all the time. And where would the fun be?