The Egg Drop Post

Moving On Up

2008-07-19T11:31:00.002-03:00

Okay, I am moving on up to wordpress this weekend. Everything should be set by tomorrow night. The URL stays the same: http://www.eggdroppost.com/ but the look should be more 'east side.' Please update your blogrolls if you need to.

The New Black

2008-07-15T19:58:00.007-03:00

Yesterday was the day that we bailed out Freddie and Fannie. It was also the day that my new health insurance card arrived in the mail.

I've been dreaming about that day; wondering when the card would arrive. As you may remember, I've already received my meds for my upcoming IVF cycle from my UPS pal. But the missing link, up until yesterday, was the actual insurance card.

Yesterday, when I opened my mailbox, I noticed an envelope that had a special logo--the health insurance logo--the symbol of my recent dreams. And when I touched the envelope, I felt a little tingle inside. It's official: my IVF cycle will be paid for.

When I saw the envelope, I immediately dropped my bags along with the rest of the other mail, so that I could rip the envelope to pieces. My appetite would not be sated until I saw the actual plastic, replete with logo, and my new insurance number. When I was in my 20s I used to get excited about credit card plastic, now approaching 40, I am over the moon about health insurance plastic.

Under the neon light of my building lobby, I saw the speckled refraction of the shiney, sparkly white industrial plastic and it was beautiful. This triggered several emotions throughout the evening. Immediately, my face felt flush and I felt butterflies in my stomach which stemmed from a fear starting the whole mess again. But I have to admit that I also felt a strange sense of calm. I'm temporarily free because, I'm waiting a couple more months before I start again. I just started a new job and Nadia and I think it's best if we wait a little while longer. Even though I think the wait it difficult, it allows me to enjoy the summer without worrying about bulging out of my pants with injectible bloat and it gives me some time to lose the 15lbs (grr!) my doctor suggested I shed before I get pregnant.

When I arrived in my apartment a few minutes later, I felt another emotion--a bit of guilt. The TV was on and the news commentators were discussing the Fannie/Freddie bailout. I thought about that and the economic downturn we're in (gas at $4.40!) and I also thought about the 47 million Americans who don't have health insurance. That number represents 16% of our population, but those figures arestale, from 2005, so the actual numbers are much greater.

Additionally, that number does not represent women who are insured but not covered for in/fertility treatments. Stirrup Queen and other Bloggers have written about this. When Nadia and I were doing our taxes this past spring, we discovered that Iwe've already shelled out over $10,000 from IUI's, donor sperm, and meds--despite the fact that I had decent coverage, which is even more comprehensive with this switch.

I guess, towards the end of the evening, I was feeling yet another emotion: gratitude. I'm so damned lucky to have a partner who has a job that pays for IVF and that she works for a company that allows me--a same sex spouse--to join her health insurance plan.

Health insurance is the new black. It's 'in'. It's coveted. It's at the pulse of the nation, but the problem is that it shouldn't be a fashionable; a privilege that accessible only for an elite group of people. It should be universal.

My One and Only

2008-07-10T21:45:00.000-03:00

From time to time, I write about the quest of the perfect sperm. I have gone through about seven donors over the past 1.5 years. Unlike most of you, when I first began this madness, I did not have the foresight to purchase more sperm viles than I needed for a given cycle.

And what that means is that by the time I picked myself up after a BFN and tried to re-purchase vials of my chosen sperm, I would often discover that my donor had retired or that his sperm had been sold out. Nadia and I have fallen in love with more profiles than we can count on one hand, but we never thought that it would take us over eight cycles to get pregnant, so we never stored any viles.

When you store vials, you have to purchase a certain number of vials and then pay for storage on top of that expense. Being the eternal optimist, I never thought that that kind of financial outlay would be necessary. I was wrong.

The selection process over this past year and a half has morphed over time. Originally, we were interested in finding someone who looked like Nadia and, believe it or not, someone who shared our values. We found the perfect guy, Mr. South American. Oh, we were so naive back then and so in love. We only purchased two viles and when I needed more, we found out that he retired.

Bummer! What a let down on top of a BFN.

After that, with each new cycle, it seemed as if we had to pick ourselves up and move on to a different donors, which was crazy making at times. You would think that we would learn our lesson, but given the fact that I see the glass as half full and given the fact that Nadia doesn't like to waste money, we've had to regroup and review new donor profiles on numerous occasions. I'm proud to say that all of the donors had one thing in common though, high sperm counts.

Even though I compromised many of what once were essential donor traits, there was one attribute that I insisted on having: a history of pregnancy. Nadia and I vacillated on the open and closed donor decision, race, height, and even donor IQ, but we both agreed that we needed someone with a positive track record. During this past year and a half, I've had South American social justice activists, African Americans guitar playing smokers, White engineers and construction workers, but during out last cycle, Nadia and I settled the One, an East Indian donor.

Having been through the egg drop drama six times before, we decided to stock up on this one. So he is the One, he could very well be the biological father of our child. We will use him for our upcoming IVF cycle.

It's a bit odd because neither one of us is East Indian but we feel that we will add an extra dimension to our family. Our child will definately be raised as both South American and Caribbean American by virtue of her parents but s/he will also have a biological connection to a culture we no nothing about. It's going to be quite an adventure.

And I can't wait.

Photo Courtesy: Mahadev.org & Vaishnodevi.com

Happy, Happy!

2008-07-09T18:55:00.002-03:00

Happy Dance for Vee and Jay!

You go girls!

Congratulations!

More Egg Drop Drama: The TTC, A Romance Buster.

2008-07-07T09:40:00.002-03:00

If you want to comprise the intimacy in your relationship and watch all romance fall by the wayside, embark on a TTC journey with your partner. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, and I know that I am not speaking for everyone out there, but this has been my experience.

Nadia and I have been going through major changes. It’s weird because, as you know, I am taking a break from the TTC as I wait for medical insurance to kick in, but I am still as obsessed with the TTC as I have ever been, and Nadia has had it. And, quite frankly, in my more lucid moments, I don’t blame her.

It’s hard to sit on the sidelines for over a year and be supportive of every twinge your partner is feeling. It’s hard to support an obsession you don’t share. Nadia, as you know, is ready to move on and adopt. I think that she has been an excellent wife, all things considered. I think her position now is that the TTC has negatively impacted our intimacy and has really taken the romance out of the relationship.

The injectible cycles, my fertility surgery, and now the impending IVF cycle have made my hormones completely wacky, my moods unpredictable, compromised my body image, and caused me to withdraw from the world, to some extent. Friends and family have been divided into ‘those you know’ and ‘those who don’t’. And it affects my relationship. Nadia’s fear is that if things are this way between us now, if our life is framed between two week waits and/or defined by whether or not we are TTCing or not, now, how are things going to be when we have a child? And, I have to admit, she has a point.

This past week our relationship weathered a perfect storm, it was ugly--dripping with anger and tears-- but I am hopeful that the worst part is over. We did a lot of talking and, in true lesbian fashion, a lot of processing. The next time I start channeling my inner Christian S. from Project Runway, I need to think about how my TTC self-absorption is affecting my partner. At the same time, she needs to let me know asap when she is feeling like a prop in my high-octane- earth-mother-vision. We plan to institute romance into the relationship no matter the cost. We need to bottle the nirvana we felt in the Caribbean, despite the daily madness of our New York lives and we need to prioritize our marriage.

Oh, and we need to breathe. We are taking things one breathe at time.

Green, It Does A Body Good

2008-06-28T00:04:00.016-03:00

I don't know if what I have been doing qualifies as 'going green' but it is so hip right now. And I wanna be hip.

Since I started the TTC, I've changed my lifestyle quite dramatically and I’ve been struck not only by how quickly I've done changed my lifestyle but also by how long it’s lasted. If anyone had told me two years ago that I would give up alcohol, I would have slapped them. Over the course of my egg drop drama, I’ve given up some things and I’ve added some things. Here is the run-down.

WHAT I’VE STOPPED
My Biggest Accomplishment
Since March 0f 2007, I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. This is surprising because I used to drink at least two glasses of wine every week, sometimes more. I love Malbec and Pinot Noir. I read that drinking alcohol can impact your fertility and at my age (as my doctor drilled into my head recently) I can’t afford to ingest anything that will slow down my egg production.

No Cow’s Milk
A few years ago, I gave up all diary products but I used to cheat all of the time, so it was very half-arsed; however, since October 2007—the month I had fertility surgery, I have successfully given up all forms of diary—for real! And I have never looked back. I don't think that this impacts the TTC so much but I am lactose intolerant and I feel so much better now that I don’t cheat.

No Sugar Orgasms
Oh, yeah, I no longer eat any chocolate. Why? My face was ‘hot mess’ I figured out that my chocolate intake used to make me break out all of the time. Chocolate coupled with injectible medication made my face look at a walking billboard for Proactiv. Just call me Jessica Simp.son.

No Caffeine
My favorite drink in the world used to be a soy café mocha. They I switched to soy lattes but that all came to an end in March 2007. I don’t drink coffee. The caffeine ruined my sleep and made me nervous wreck. I had to give it up especially when I started the injectible cycles.

Okay, so the four things that I have stopped taking regularly within the last year are: diary, chocolate, alcohol and caffeine. I do drink green tea, though, and that does have caffeine in it but it also has anti-oxidants so that cancels itself out, right? My doctor said that if or when I get pregnant I can drink the equivalent of one can of coke a day, so I am not going to beat myself up to much for an occasional cup of yerba mate. For the most part, though I drink no caffeine herb teas.

WHAT I’VE STARTED
Folic Acid
I take pre-natal vitamins. My doctor suggested that I take the pre-natal vitamins because it can help to prevent miscarriage.

I have also increased my vegetable in-take, especially green leafy vegetables which are supposed to be high in natural folic acid--good for baby.

ISO My Inner Om
Within the last two weeks, I have started yoga and I think I've lost at least two pounds. I am going to the gym later on to weigh myself, so I will let you know for sure.

New 9 to 5
Also, I started a new job this week and I think I will like it. The last one was waaaay too stressful and Nadia and I both think that it had a negative impact on my fertility.

Obviously, this new approach to my taking care of my body emerged from the TTC but it is taking on a larger meaning for me. I think that contemplating conception has forced me to consider what kind of planet I want my child to live in and how I want to leave the planet when I’m gone.

I'm going to spend more time writing about going green during TTC.

As Legend Would Have It

2008-06-26T16:48:00.016-03:00

I used to collect dolls when I was a child so for those who know me, it will come as no surprise that I've added some fertility dolls to my collection. Technically, only two of them are fertility dolls but I've thrown in a baby bump accessorized Barbie for the heck of it.

The first was a gift from my dear friend, Dr. Prescience. She gave me a Ghanaian Akuaba doll for my 37th birthday, which was right around the time I started this blog and the journey. Thanks, Dr. P.

According to a West African legend, Akua was unable to bear children and a wise man told her to make a wooden doll, carry it on her back, and treat it as her own child. The villagers made fun of her and she endured a lot of hardship but after a while Akua became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful child. Akua ba means child of Akua.

The second doll was a gift from Nadia. Ironically, it is also an Akuaba doll. Nadia ran across this one while researching fertility charms online. She said that she was deeply inspired by the story behind the hand carved doll so she bought it to bring us luck. Nadia felt that given the length and emotional nature of our journey, it would be okay if we had two Akuabas.

Isn't she beautiful?

Being the doll lover that I am, for old times sake, I also purchased a pregnant black Barbie, aka Madge. According to her official Mattel paperwork, Madge is married with one son and she has another baby on the way. Hence the baby bump. Can you see it in this photo?

In this country, we don't have lucky charms for fertility. In fact, as we know, fertility is a taboo subject. For the most part those of us who are tyring to conceive feel ashamed about our lack of success. It's a shameful secret, though that is s-l-o-w-l-y changing thanks to all of you. I love the repro-blogosphere because I can share my thoughts and feelings (as random as they are), read about other TTC journeys and feel not only as if I am heard and supported, but that I am part of a community of kick-arse women. Thanks, gals!

But I want to confess that also love my dolls. Just like when I was a child, they give me comfort and help me pull myself together. They inspire me, particularly the two Akuaba's. There they stand near my bedside waiting along with me until I can get back on the TTC hamster wheel. I generally don't believe in fairly tales, legends, or myths but I'm counting on my Akuabas to bring me luck in the fall.

I just hope they don't bring me twins. If they do, Nadia will kill me.

Extreme Makover

2008-06-19T23:14:00.011-03:00

Okay, maybe not extreme, but...

It has been a world wind of a week. Last Friday was my last day at my old job and I've had fun relaxing. I have another week off before I start work again. I am going to visit family and then go on a “pamper your inner-mama vacation’.

In case you don't know what a “pamper your inner mama vacation” is, it’s a vacation designed to spoil my inner mama. I know she is in there even though I don't have a physical child-yet. Over the past two years, I've been working soo hard and I've felt soo stressed that I need at least a week to be totally self-indulgent. I need time to get mentally and physically prepared for my new job and my fall IVF cycle.

Ironically, last Friday was also the day of my yearly gyno exam-fun! I told my doctor that after all my IUIs and exams with Dr. Feelgood, the awkwardness of the pap smear experience was no longer even a blip on my radar. She laughed a little at my silly joke before she delivered some not so good news.

She said that I should try to lose some weight. In fact, she recommended that I use my time off from the TTC to lose 15lbs.

15lbs???

15lbs is nothing to sneeze at but I am going to give it a try. She explained to me that I would have a smoother pregnancy if I lost the weight. So far this week I have worked out every single day and I even started doing yoga. That sounds promising, sort of.

Well, I think it would be for the average person. But for me, I always get into a health kick before I fall off of the wagon. I have to admit that it is one of my vicious cycles. I am just hope that this time I can keep up my routine. I mean, the stakes are high enough, right?

Anyhoo, I am also planning to give The Egg Drop Post a total complete facelift over the next month. I am going to move over to wordpress—where a lot of the cool kids are-- and change the layout and visuals. It should be exciting, if I can figure it all al out. I am not the most technologically savvy person out there, but my reading comprehension is decent. Please bear with me as I work the kinks out with this blog and come into my true self.

As you can see, I have a few projects planned to keep my mind off of the TTC. The only problem is that they all revolve around the TTC-- updating this blog and losing weight.

We’ll see how I do with my extreme makeover. As always, I will keep you posted.

My UPS Pal

2008-06-10T22:40:00.011-03:00

It came today.

And by ‘it’ I mean my IVF box from hell full of medications for my impending IVF cycle. I won’t begin cycling until the fall but I was advised to buy the medication before I switched insurance.

I already have lots of Menopur left over from my failed IUI cycles so here is a list of what arrived today:
· Progesterone vaginal insert
· Progesterone Injection
· Ganirelix Acetate Injection
· Novarel—trigger shot
· Doxycycline
· Methylprednisolone

And let’s not forget the infamous: Gonal-F Pen! I feel as if I have crossed a TTC threshold with that last one. I have heard and read so much about them. I was also send another sharps container--I think I have about 10 now-- and last but not least, I received several (approximately 50) 1.5 inch needles .

Yowsa!

When I figure out what I am doing I will add a ticker tape to countdown to my IVF cycle.

Believe It or Not

2008-06-09T22:17:00.004-03:00

Hey! Was everyone glued to the TV tonight to watch Quads with 2 Moms? I DVRed it but have yet to watch. I can't wait. What an interesting cultural moment! Particularly for us Queer TTCers!

In other news, this is my last week at my old job. I have been walking around singing my old favorite song "Believe it or not, I am walking on air".

Down the Rabbit Hole

2008-05-28T14:48:00.001-03:00

Nadia and I fell down the rabbit hole and landed in the Caribbean for one week. Everything is upside down: we are stressfree, stressfree, stressfree. In others words, we are totally and completely unrecognizable to ourselves and each other.

I am loving it!

This vacation comes on the heels of an extremely stressful month where I learned I was not pregnant, served as the executive producer of a major fundraising event at work, found a new job and resigned (yes!). And then there was that fateful visit with Dr Feelgood.

Last week Nadia and I paid a visit to Dr Feelgood. The visit was a mixed bag. It went something like this:

Dr Feelgood: Wonk wonk wonk wonk wonk wonk well, you know when you are 38 blah blah blah blah 38 year old eggs blagity blagity blah at 38... If we have to list the top 10 factors for infertilty age would be the top 4.

I almost busted a gaskit.

EDB: Dr Feelgood, Nadia and I are painfully aware that I am of an advanced maternal age. This is the reason why we came to see you as soon as we decided to get pregnant. Can I help the fact that it took us forever to get our shit together?

Okay, maybe I didn't say all of that but I wanted to. Sometimes it's hard to handle the truth, especially when it could mean not having a baby. I felt my cheeks getting hot and I had to refrain from slapping him.

Anyhoo, the silver lining is that I do make eggs; last cycle I made at least 5 on moderate dosages of medication and according to Feelgood that is more than half the battle. Also Nadia's health insurance pays for IVF. Adding me to her plan was not a big deal despite the fact that we are two girls in love.

Dr Feelgood said that with so many failed IUIs it's time for me to move on to the big guns. Seven failed IUIs according to Feelgood usually means that the problem is beyond what he can see. He wants to examine my eggs-- get up close and personal. According to Feelgood my chances of getting pregnant with IVF are about 35% -- not bad.

Nadia's insurance kicks in July 1; the same day I start my new job. Given the timing I might wait a cycle or two before I jump back in the stirrups. Besides I want to enjoy the sun and the heat this summer.

Speaking of sun and heat, I am sitting on a secluded beach listening to the ocean as I write this on my handheld (please excuse the typos). Being in the Caribbean makes me think of my grandmum, Eva. She gave birth to 11 kids. I would love to bottle her mojo.

CD1

2008-05-05T13:28:00.001-03:00

It didn't work.

Damn.

Killing Time

2008-04-26T18:48:00.004-03:00

1DPO

Don't you just love A. Ged.de?
How cute is this photo?

One Can Only Hope

2008-04-25T16:16:00.003-03:00

I can only hope that this is what is going on inside of me right now. I am feeling the ovulation pain. No pain, no gain, right?

Two more weeks to go. Ugh!

Slimmed Where Everybody Knows My Name

2008-04-24T10:49:00.008-03:00

So I have been officially slimmed. Today Dr. Feelgood injected me with about 17.5 million spermies. How exciting! And it turms out that I have about 4 or 5 eggs in play but, of course, you never know what may happen. Tomorrow I go back for another round.

What is weird about going to the RE these days is that everyone there knows my name now. I feel a bit like a celebrity and it is bittersweet. It's sweet to feel like people are routing for me. They really cheer me on and know my story and there is something comforting to that. But I am a wee bit bitter about my 1.5 year long worth of visits to the RE's office. I long for the day when I graduate back to my OB-GYN where I am blissfully anonymous. Until then, I guess, you can just call me 'Norma'.

Rolling the Dice

2008-04-21T08:56:00.002-03:00

CD8

Today I was the first in line to see Dr Feelgood. I was so early today I got there before the office was open. I was hoping that my early arrival would be a good sign and I think it was.

I am now on my 7th IUI cycle. The last one got cancelled because I only had one egg. It looks like I will have 3 this go around--not bad.

This is the last IUI before IVF. I hope this is the One. IUIs will be Thursday and Friday.

Come on lucky 7...

Memes

2008-04-01T19:22:00.006-03:00

I've been tagged for a couple of memes and I promise to get off my butt very soon. I promise!

Do Not Pass Go or Collect $200..Go Straight to Jail...

2008-03-30T22:12:00.006-03:00

Okay, so since my last post, I've experienced a tinsy-whinsy set back, or two.

You may remember that I was on birth control pills because I had had a cyst on my ovaries. Other than the occasional homicidal tendency, once I started the menopur injections, I was plugging along just fine on the way to my 7th IUI. Then, as the days progressed, Dr. Feelgood didn't seem too optimistic for IUI cycle #7 (aka unlucky 7) because I wasn't really responding well to the medication.

While on menopur, I only developed one viable egg. At the same time, he did not want to increase the dosage because he noticed some additional fluid that he said was being exacerbated by the medication. He said that the fluid pocket could be due to scarring from my surgery.

Needless to say, I am not a very happy camper.

Nadia and I talked about it—ad nauseum-- and we decided to skip that cycle. I mean, why invest so much moula, energy, and time when there was only one egg in play? Dr. Feelgood totally agreed with our decision.

So now I am desperately waiting for Auntie Flo. But in my heart of hearts. I am trying to decide if I should do another round of IUIs—rounding out the number to numero 8-- or if I should just wait until I get on Nadia's insurance this summer. Should I skip go, the $200 and go straight to jail, I mean IVF?

IVF is scarey because for me it really represents the final frontier, a frontier that I really didn't even want to consider a few months ago. But I am trying to get used to the idea and I am trying to convince myself that it represents a ray a hope.

Nadia keeps reminding me, 'You are not out of the game yet, my dear, not yet."

S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D

2008-03-13T04:29:00.008-03:00

I am feeling a little on edge, shall we say?. I think it is the birth control pills. I feel a bit stretched and I have trouble sleeping through the night. I can't say that I've actually told anyone off yet, but I want to.

Next week I have an ultrasound to learn my fate.

Needless to say, I am counting the days, again.

An Ethics Q

2008-03-08T18:28:00.007-04:00

Is it unethical to embark on a job search while trying to get pregnant?

I met with a job coach /advisor for a free consultation last week and told her my sordid tale about my job and my TTC quest.

She was a sweet older 'het' woman who has been in the job coaching business for over 20 years. She advised me that it would not be cool to start a new job and announce that I was pregnant. She suggested that I put the TTC on hold, wait until I get a new job, work hard for the first 90 days, get settled, and then start the TTC again. She said that straight people have the benefit of the 'oops' factor but that a new employer would be pissed if I, as a queer woman, started the job with a bun in the oven.

What do you think?

I disagree but am open to hearing what you think. I am inclined to get back on the TTC hampster wheel as soon as I can because let's face it, no one knows when the stork will arrive. I don't think it makes sense for me to put my life on hold. Do you?

She also suggested that I stay at my job until I get prego. But, my job is very stressful and I am starting to think that it might be impacting my TTC.

What would you do?

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

2008-03-05T09:07:00.004-04:00

I’m baaack! after a little hiatus. The time off was good. I needed a break. I felt that I was really at the precipice of something and I needed to pull back. I skipped one cycle after the Tougher than Tina Cycle went bust. I took some time to regroup.

Here is a short list of things I did during my hiatus in no particular order.

10. Taught myself aromatherapy
9. Watched The Wire on HBO
8. Started to look for another job
7. Taught myself how to sew
6. Asked myself ‘why’
5. Bought more sweats
4. Received a stuffed bulldog as present
3. Tried not to think about the TTC
2. Obsessed about the TTC
1. Figured out how to Nadia’s health insurance to pay for IVF

Not bad, eh?

Well, I knew that AF would come on either last Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. My body runs like clockwork, what can I tell you? I called the doctor’s office to find out when Dr. Feelgood would be there because I did not want to deal with Dr. Killjoy.

The nurse told me that he would be in on Monday and I told her that was trying to avoid Dr. Killjoy, if possible. She said many, many patients feel the same way I do.

She gave me a tip—“Drink lemon juice”, she said.

‘Huh?’ I replied.

She said that drinking lemon juice can delay your period by one day. I told her I was on my way out to buy a bottle of lemonade. Actually, I drank lemon tea for the entire weekend, so AF did not come until Sunday night.

Anyhoo, I woke up early on Monday and arrived at the doctors at 7:20am and the room was packed. I have never seen it so packed.

I had to wait an hour an a half to see Dr. Feelgood. When I was finally back in the stirrups, he discovered that I had a cyst left over from the last injectible cycle—two cycles ago. He told me that I should go on the pill and return in two weeks. The egg drop drama continues!

So now I am on the pill and waiting to start my last injectible cycle before I go to IVF. If this doesn’t work I will have to wait until I can get on Nadia’s insurance sometime this summer.

It’s good to be back. Thanks for hanging in with me.

Tougher Than Tina Cycle Goes Bust!

2008-02-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

So my third injectible cycle didn't work. I am very upset. I am going to skip this cycle and try to get myself together. At the end of the month I will meet with my doctor to discuss my options.

Tonight's Fortune Cookie

2008-02-03T20:10:00.000-04:00

"You will be pleasantly surprised soon."

I have been trying not to get my hope's up because the let down is so brutal. I mean when AF comes not only do I have to deal with the disappointment but I also have to get myself back into the stirrups and start the whole egg drop drama from scratch.

But when I opened the fortune cookie tonight I was pleasantly surprised and it really made me feel a glimmer of hope.

I don't actually feel pregnant but I know that that feeling is neither scientific nor definitive.

We'll see.

Photo Friday: Black and White

2008-02-01T13:34:00.000-04:00

Here is a candid of one our cats, Remy. She has a purr like a diesel engine. In this photo, she is trying to comfort me as I talked her ear off last night about how I 'just know' I'm not pregnant.

Nadia was working late and I was lying in bed, when Remy decided to join me. She asked me to tell her my deep dark secrets with her eyes, so I poured my heart out.

She learned about my fear of never getting pregnant and of my fatigue and frustration with the TTC.

I have to admit that she is not 'my favorite' cat. She has too much energy and a mischievous air, which can be tedious when she has hidden a piece of my jewelry, or when she wants to play with my feet in the middle of the night.

But I have to admit that she was very sweet to me last night and quite a comfort in my time of need. I will always love her dearly for that.

My Favorite Pastime During the TWW

2008-01-29T22:18:00.000-04:00

This is what i want to do all day and when I am not doing it, I am thinking about doing it. What does it all mean? During the TWW, I overanalyze everything and I'm tired of it. I can't turn my brain off. What a yawn!

This is my sixth TWW and I know that for a lot of you, I sound like a spoiled whiner, but it's just brual.

I am tired all of the time. I get home from work and I can't wait to get into my pjs and go to bed. When I am at work, all I think about is sleeping and how long I have to wait until I can sleep again.

I have no idea what it means, but I have been having some interesting dreams.