Eisy Morgan

A Little Face Lift

2012-02-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you are anything like us, but we were more than happy to take any piece of furniture that anyone was willing to give us when we first got married! We were so grateful because we certainly weren’t looking to furnish our whole home from start.

But after moving 4 times in our marriage and the wear and tear we decided we were going to use our tax return money if we could get a good deal and get a few things for our apartment.

Here are some of the before photos:

My husband decided to rip up the love seat in order to get it into the trash bin.

{Don’t worry it was already ripped!}

And these are the “after” photos.

I am so grateful for the additions that have

made where we live feel even more like a home!

Eisy Morgan Stories

2012-02-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do a whole other post today, but my camera is having a hard time uploading photos for some reason so that will have to be put on hold for now.

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For the past few months I have been thinking about writing stories from my life. I have always wanted to write stories from my life, mostly because I want to remember them, partly because I want to relive them, another part because I want to review what I learned from them, and in the end when I am passed from this life, maybe someone I love would want to read them and hopefully writing them down will be of interest to them.

Writing them in first person might feel odd and awkward in some senses because the stories are about my life and people in my life, who may read this blog. So I am going to write them in a story form about a girl named Eisy Morgan and change some names to respect those people here and there.

I hope you find them interesting or entertaining or maybe inspire to write down more of your own story. I read this quote last night and was inspired by it.

"When we watch the news, we grieve all of this (tragedy), but when we go to the movies we want more of it. Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller."

Donald Miller

Our lives are great stories, being told by the Great Story Teller, and I want to re-tell mine.

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

2012-02-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

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My First Marathon Training Vlogs

2012-02-24T08:48:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to make a page with all of my
1st Marathon Training Vlogs
I will be adding all of them to this page
if anyone is interested in following my journey.
They will be under the "running" button.

8 weeks down, 8 more to go!!

WEEK 1

WEEK 2

WEEK 3

WEEK 4

WEEK 5

WEEK 6

WEEK 7

WEEK 8

WEEK 9

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Being featured in Simply Handmade Magazine!

2012-02-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

No, not me!

My sister was approached by

Simply Handmade Magazine

to feature one of her pillows in their magazine this summer.

How exciting is that??

Check out her shop HERE!

I'm not biased or anything;)

but my sister is super talented and you should check out her awesome shop!

Here are some of her amazing items:

She is also starting to make custom bouquets like the ones she made for her wedding and her friend's as well.

Contact her through her Etsy with any questions!

Congratulations to my lil sis!!

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Last Saturday's Running Adventure

2012-02-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ok all....

Last Saturday was my longest run in a long time.

It was a gorgeous sunny day with the high about 47 degrees!

LOVE!

I suited up and was headed out on my long adventure.

{don't laugh at my awesome running gear yall!}

The run was awesome for the first 9 miles.

The sun was shining and I felt strong and the scenery was awesome.

I had mapped out my 12 miles all in one direction and planned for my husband to pick me up at the end.

It seemed simple enough, but I had never been in the area towards the end of the run.

{Not the BEST idea}

The pic above is the beginning of my unknown territory

{about 9.5 miles in}

The trails I had planned on were covered with snow and I was no longer sure where I was or which way I should go?

So I made this video...why not?

ha ha

{Don't mind my breathlessness!}

I went on to run the rest of my 12 and kind of aimlessly wandered into a very

LONG trail.

I had no idea where it led?

All I knew is that I needed to finish.

OH MY WORD!

That last half mile was the hardest bit of running I have ever experienced.

From that part on I felt like death, pretty much.

I finished my 12 and then had to walk another mile or so out of the wilderness where I was.

I tried to send this pic to my husband that said,

"this is where I am"

like he could find me from that?!!

I think my mind was dehydrated and non-functional.

I could then barely walk, was now freezing because I stopped running, and was lost.

{not to self:run with chapstick!}

I finally found my way off the trail and to a residential street where I could give the address to my husband who was trying to find me, SLOWLY.

{at least for me it was slow!}

This was me waiting.

I was found, eventually, and I finished!

Heart Therapy: Perceptions

2012-02-21T08:18:00.001-07:00

Welcome to

Heart Therapy

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Where we share what we are walking through.

{Like group bloggy therapy}
In the past we have had some awesome posts linked up,
make sure you check some of them out here.

I will give a writing prompt that you can spin off of, or just share something you have been feeling or thinking about, or something you are learning or going through. Time to do something that will help your heart. Something I believe we neglect all too often.

Here are the questions I will be answering and you can join me if you would like:

Borrowed from Ordinary Courage Companion Worksheet

To read more about this check out THIS post

3-5 Ideal Identities:

I want to be perceived as:

1 Strong

2 Competent

3 Spiritually Wise

4 Empathetic

5 Happy

3-5 Unwanted Identities

1 Ignorant

2 Incompetent

3 Negative

4 Quitter

5 Bad Christian

Then answer the following questions about your unwanted identities:

What do these perceptions mean to us? They mean I am a failure at life if I am seen like this.

Why are they so unwanted?I think it may be tied to wanting to be perceived or not perceived in certain ways, but one of my biggest fears is being misunderstood. I have jumped through many a hoop and cried many tears in order to make sure I am understood as much as possible! That people understand my heart behind things.

Where did the messages that fuel these identities come from? Perhaps how I have seen others judged while watching influential people in my life. People are more loved or accepted when acting "this way or that way" but when you become difficult, raw, emotional, opinionated it feels like you are no longer a valid human being.

Looking at the list of unwanted identities complete the following sentences:

If you label me and reduce me to this list of unwanted identities, you will miss the opportunity to know I'm complex, and I have many strengths including:

1 That I'm a great listener and who people are matter to me, not just what they do.

2 I'm empathetic and want to know and understand people's hearts

3 I want to learn and grow and am willing to change, not through shame, but through compassion, love and patience.

This exercise is kind of hard to do, to dig into what we fear others might think we are or what we hope they know we really can be. But feel free to link up if you decide to venture into the murky waters!

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

2012-02-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

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I'm Afraid of Your Perceptions

2012-02-16T18:29:00.000-07:00

Life can be tiring.

Running after children,
school,
work,
wife-ing,
cooking,
cleaning,
whatever it is we busy ourselves doing.

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But do you know what I really thinks makes us the most tired, our own minds!

Even if we finish all the items on our to-do list I am sure there is something that plagues our minds, even if its deeply sub-conscious.

We run a stupid comment we made over and over in our brains thinking about how ignorant, rude, annoying we must have come across, and that

"wasn't even what I meant anyways"

{I even hum or make a noise when I do this so I can make myself STOP thinking about it!}

I still have a LONG list of how I want to be perceived by people.
Some things I can brush off with no problem at all, not caring what people think.
While other things nag at me, taunting me about how far from perfect I am, how far I always will be.
I imagine what people
"must be thinking"
about this or that behavior, this or that choice, etc etc.

I am a people pleaser by nature. Can I get a witness??

I want people to like me, its natural...but not to the detriment of my own well being.

Am I really going to allow myself get to the point of loathing my own life and self and wearing shame like its my favorite coat in order to keep
all of
"THEM"
happy with me?

But this is what we do, isn't it?

We sacrifice our marriages, our children, ourselves in order to
"look a certain way" to THEM.
{Whoever THEY may be}

We scramble for approval and still find ourselves coming up short because we can't please everyone. We tell ourselves we are horrible failures because we can't be super mom, super employee, super wife, super ministry lady, all while looking gorgeous, skinny, and be happy about it all the time.

As many of you know I am coming out of a season of depression and I am looking back a little bit trying to learn why it happened, what was I letting sit in my mind, what were the prevailing thoughts or circumstances. Some I thought I knew, others I didn't think were as big of a deal I am learning may have really been triggers to things.

I bought a new audio book to listen to while I run last weekend. It's "I thought it was just me (but it isn't)" by Brene Brown. According to her CNN article the editor describes her this way "Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent 10 years studying vulnerability, shame, authenticity and courage. She is the author of "The Gifts of Imperfection" (Hazelden) and has ablog on courage."

This book, although I am only a few chapters in, is helping me realize that I was living in shame for the past year and a half or so. That I started shutting down under the fear that I would never be able to measure up to everyone's expectations out there. It's an interesting read for sure, check out her blog or website if you are interested in her work.

Click the button below

We all have lists of how we want to be perceived and how we don't want to be perceived!

Some of those things stem from how we grew up and from other important influential groups in our life.

I have found I think A LOT about this when it comes to Facebook. I really think twice about anything I write, and this is my personal Facebook and these people are the one's I call "friends". I am afraid I will be perceived as unspiritual, a bad mother, selfish, ignorant, etc etc etc. Why? Because you see people get ripped apart for improper grammar, for sharing their opinion, and we know the way we ourselves scoff at so and so for posting such a stupid thing.

But if I am a person in process, then why am I so hard on myself and what am I so afraid of? I can not control how you perceive me, but I can control myself and my thoughts.

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I am going to run Heart Therapy again on this coming Tuesday about our feared perceptions if you would like to join in.

Dr. Brene Brown says this:

"Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone?
Is it that we really admire perfection?

No -- the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect."

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Here are the questions I will be answering and you can join me if you would like:

Borrowed from Ordinary Courage Companion Worksheet

3-5 Ideal Identities:

I want to be perceived as:

3-5 Unwanted Identities

Then answer the following questions about your unwanted identities:

What do these perceptions mean to us?

Why are they so unwanted?

Where did the messages that fuel these identities come from?

Looking at the list of unwanted identities complete the following sentences:

If you label me and reduce me to this list of unwanted identities, you will miss the opportunity to I'm complex, and I have many strengths including:

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Healthy Inspiration Thursdays

2012-02-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

My Thursdays have become my "weigh in" days, so I can use all the inspiration I can get!

Collecting these images and quotes for me, have become a good way to adjust my thinking from "can't, won't, failure" to something more positive so I am going to go through and share some healthy things I have collected on Pinterst:)

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Valentines Day

2012-02-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentines Day yesterday.

Mine was good, low key, but very nice.

My husband worked and my poor little man was sick as a dog.

poor buddy:(

He did feel a little better later on and he went to his cousins for a little while so I could run my miles yesterday in my new shoes! They help my shin splints A LOT but they are still a bit stiff!

My husband got home early so we dropped our lil man off at his aunt's again and headed to the D Bar!

I was originally introduced to this place by my friend Holly who saw it on a tv show I believe.

It is super small but the food and especially the desserts are so good

I had a pesto pizza salad sandwich and it was so tasty!

My husband had the Kobe Sliders.

{they were so tiny!}

And then...of course....

a cup of coffee...

and you really must get dessert a the Dessert Bar. Let's be honest!

We had a very nice, relaxing time. The only bummer:

My hubby said he ordered me flowers and paid extra for them to be delivered on

Valentines Day and they never came?

What??

Oh well, we still had fun!

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Carrot Ginger Soup that needs to be in your life!

2012-02-13T11:31:00.001-07:00

I don’t know about you guys, but carrot soup was not a meal I ever grew up with or ever saw around. But when I lived over seas I began to get it for a dinner meal from the grocery store and I LOVED it!

So when I saw THIS recipe on Pinterest, I had to try it!

I modified the recipe just slightly.

Here is my slight variation:

Ingredients

2 tbs of Coconut Oil

1/3 large yellow onion, chopped

1/4 cup peeled grated fresh ginger

3 cloves garlic, minced

5 cups chicken stock

10-15 large fresh carrots, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon curry powder

salt to taste

fresh ground black pepper to taste

Preparation

1. In the pot, melt the coconut oil over medium heat. Add the onion, ginger, and garlic and cook for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring frequently.

2. Add the stock and carrots. Bring the mixture to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to medium and simmer uncovered about 45 minutes, until the carrots are very tender.

3. Puree the soup in the pot using the immersion blender or use a regular blender. If using a regular blender you may have to do it in batches.

4. Season with the lemon juice and salt and pepper to taste. Ladle into bowls and swirl in a spoonful of sour cream. Top with a sprinkle of chives or parsley and serve.

Oh my word, it is soooooo good!

I have a slight obsession with blended soups and love that I found an emersion blender on black Friday! So worth the blended goodness!

Definitely a new favorite!

What are your favorite soups? I want to try some new ones!

Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

2012-02-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

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to my hurting readers....

2012-02-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

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If you have been following my blog for a little while then you have seen me go through all types of things here. I really try to

"keep it real",

maybe not at first as I thought people who didn't know me couldn't or didn't want to know the truth, but I have found just the opposite.

I have really come to find that you write for the audience you want to know.

If this makes any sense?

I know a lot of you come here for many different reasons, and I do love that, because I am not just a broken woman fighting for wholeness with the Lord, but I also love being creative, hair, make-up..you know, all those parts of what make up a woman, just like you.

But I also know, that the more I have written about my internal struggle the more these beautiful, real, raw and honest women emerge. Most of them have never even left me a comment before, but it always reminds me that blogging can be helpful to the writer, and amazingly ...the reader.

People relate to being real, in my opinion. Well, maybe not everyone, but the people I want to know and be friends with are the ones that can be honest with themselves and others. No shows necessary.

So many of you have written to me, letting me know that I have some how encouraged you and I am always ALWAYS blown away by this. Knowing that my little typed words that (in my mind only really my family and a few close friends MIGHT read on a good day) have helped anyone, seriously encourages me so much. Because I think it's true, we read ...blogs, articles, books...so we don't feel alone. And you aren't alone.

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Some of you are carrying incredibly heavy burdens, some I do not comprehend or dare to portray that I could possibly relate my circumstances to. Some of you, it seems, you could be writing these very words. That you read back something that pours out of your own heart. Whatever the case, I know what its like to feel alone, I know what its like to be sad and overcome with sadness, I understand pain. We all do, no one escapes this life pain free. And in a world where, "Hi, how are you?" is more of a passing greeting then a heart felt question I just want you to know that your pain is seen. Even the pain that you hide behind your smile because you have too many balls in the air to let someone really see them. If they aren't seen by me, they are seen by the Lord.

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For those of us who find ourselves in a stronger place at the moment, may we be aware of those we know might be hurting in our lives and take time for them. Even if we don't know how to help, sometimes just being asked can mean the world. I am not perfect at this, but it's good for us to keep reminding ourselves of it.

The best question to me is when someone asks, "How is your heart?"

{I think you started this Britt}

To me it is a question that is beyond life's circumstances of health, kids, money, relationships...

its more about how your heart is dealing with all of those things.

How YOU really are.

So, how is your heart?

There is a song that my friend, James, used to always play when I lived in Northern Ireland. He has such an amazing voice and the way he sang it was so moving. We called it the Heart Song, but it's really titled "Broken Things by Juliett Turner I believe.

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The lyrics are beautiful.

They are for you.

"You can have my heart

Though it isn't new.

It's been used and broken and only comes in blue.

It's been down a long road, and it got dirty on the way.

If I give it to you, will you make it clean, wash the pain away?

You can have my heart

if you don't mind broken things.

You can have my love,

if you don't mind these tears.

So beyond repair,

Nothing I could do.

Tried to fix it myself, but it was only worse

when I got through.

Then you walked right into my darkness

and spoke words so sweet

and you hold me like a child

till my frozen tears fall at your feet.

And I heard that you make all things new

so I'll give these pieces all to you

If you want it,

you can have my heart."

Here is a video cover by Ryan Kelly.

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Drug Store Makeup ideas/Favorties Vlog

2012-02-09T13:54:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was able to get a few new items from my home away from home, aka TARGET, and thought I would share some of my favorite items from there.

Here are some other places I found great ideas for drugstore make up as well.

The perfect nude lip by Revlon
{try Nude Attitude 001}

Like this

as a primer!

By Makeup Geek

Mega Glo by Wet n Wild recommended by Lemondrop

and here is one of Kandee Johnsons'

older drugstore make up posts/videos.

Here are my favorites!

{ps I have NO idea what that weird noise is at the beginning but it goes away!}

and all the titles are backwards due to the webcam thing.

Share your drugstore make up secrets or must haves!

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{PSS all the other videos that pop up when its over are my marathon training

vlogs for anyone interested in that.;}

The Battle of Delayed Gratification

2012-02-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

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Living in America in 2012 has so many blessings and privileges, of which I am thankful I get to participate in on a daily basis. Living and traveling out of the country I do appreciate all the things that are so very accessible for us.

But having everything at our fingertips has sometimes done us a disservice, we can have it our way, customize our coffee's to what only we might like, can write a blog on our thoughts at a drop of a hat, while we microwave our dinner. It's all for convenience, I use and appreciate it all, but it leaves us all with a huge struggle.

Let's just call it what it really is, entitlement.

I think the more generations that pass they have it worse and worse as life seems to get faster and easier.

But my age group suffers from entitlement just as much.

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We have lost the desire to do anything that doesn't happen, right now!

Or more, we only do things that we really feel like doing.

This might not be everyone's situation, but it certainly has been mine.

Why should I do anything that is hard, that I have to work through.

Granted, we all do pain avoidance at all costs. But in some cases we just give away what life could be because we can't have it now.

I am on my third round with a book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerkKeurst, once I read it and the other times I am listening to it while I run.

There is one part where she talks about wanting a garden.

How so often she has looked at others who have gardens and wanted one of her own. But, it takes a lot of work to have a garden. The truth is, she wanted to the flowers or the vegetables, the final outcome. Not the work that comes before the beauty.

This, she relates, to weight loss.

{If weight is not your issue, surely there is something else in your life that you may think of}

But it makes so much sense.

Why we want magic diet pills, fast working exercise routines, magical clothes, etc etc.

We want it our way, and we want it now.

{if not personally then as a society!}

I think it is interesting that there are some things in life we just have little control over.

The random thought popped into my head the other day that if humans could control when the sun came up and went down for a certain event, I am sure they would. If we could make sure it never rained on a particular day or always snowed on Christmas, I am sure we would do that as well.

If we can try to control anything in life, even in the smallest way, we humans do it!

I even heard someone say once that we even pray for answers because we are desperate for a little control. Isn't that the truth?

Anything that can make us younger, thinner, smarter, more creative, rich...we will take it all, and we would like to have it yesterday.

But it seems some things are left in that LONG zone. You know what I mean.

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The zone where you have no control over when or how things happen, all you can do is your best..day in and day out.

If you are a mom, you know this all to well in many ways. The first is waiting for your little one to arrive. About the begining of the 10th month sounds like an excelent time for them to make an appearance and give mom {and her back} a break!

Any day now little one?

Right? Ok now?

Again, for me...wait wait wait!

He never did feel like coming..or maybe my body wasn't having it because I never went into labor and they had to finally get me in for a c-section after 3 days of trying to induce me.

NOT FUN! I HATE WAITING.

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And, maybe you aren't a mom...maybe you are SINGLE! I was single until I was 27. Old for some, young for others. Never the less, I wanted a GOOD man and he was no where in sight. I just had to go through life, day in and day out, and hope and wait. That is all I could do, I couldn't force any man to love me.

{Even though maybe part of me wanted to try!}

And this is no different from being free from (some of our) slavery to our overly weighted bodies. We want the flippin results YESTERDAY!

We see pin after pin and think, yep, thats the one I want...that body right there.

But when the next meal comes burgers and fries are easier to drive through and get then BAKE something.

{do you know how long it can take to BAKE something people?}

If that is not the case, then we work our butts of to eat right, exercise and the weight goes down like we are watching grass grow.

{Are you kidding me weight??}

I have given this a MONTH! And a month is a long time, but not really. We don't even grow a full human being in less then 9 months in a healthy way. But if we don't lose 20 lbs that first month, it is taking WAY too long. And...we go to the drive through.

Well, I do.... sometimes.

We want the flowers, but we don't want to till the ground, water, WAIT!

How some people are born with discipline I will never know?

Perhaps it is graced to some of you, but some of us have to learn this process the really long and hard way.

If I do the work to make a garden, I will get a garden in time.

But I can't skip the steps, work, maybe even sacrifice it might take to get it.

I don't save money by spending it, I don't get a degree without going to class, I don't get thin without making good food choices day in and day out.

So delayed gratification is a battle. A battle of waiting.

We are all waiting for something we want, no doubt.

Will we persevere, endure, or at least...be patient.

Get annoyed, get mad, get irritated, give up?

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I have a friend who was just released from a

VERY

LONG

WAIT!

Read her story HERE.

Yesterday her wait ended.

And those of us who watched her wait.

Who cried with her.

Who hurt for her.

Who watched her wait and waited with her....

We celebrated.

Oh what amazing joys lie at the end of particular long and hard waits!

I am trying to embrace the process, the wait, but I am not very good at it.

YET.

I hope to be, someday?!

It seems simple enough, but definitely not FAST enough!

What have you had to wait for?

Was it worth the wait?

What are you currently waiting for?

Are you struggling with it or are you great at waiting?

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

2012-02-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

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Lessons from a 10 Mile run

2012-02-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

If you have ever considered running, I do recommend it. If you already run, then you know this for sure.

You do your best thinking when you are on a run, sometimes its almost like you can think so much clearer for those miles.

These were some of my thoughts as I ran my 10 miles yesterday.

I haven't run ten miles in over a year and a half. So this could be considered my first 10 miles, at least in a while, and definitely living in Denver. I was nervous about running today because I am scheduled to do my long runs on Saturdays, but there is a huge snow storm moving in tonight and I was worried about trying to run through 18 inches of snow when the weekend came. So, it worked out for me to run today.

{I doubt the roads would be this clear;}
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So I mapped out my ten miles, part of which I had never run.

The first few miles were "tight". I find that when I am doing long runs on cold days that it isn't till about mile 3 that I feel OK. I was really in my head about it. I had to tell myself, "I can do this", "It's going to get better". Once I passed the territory I am most familiar with my mind switched from that to problem solving mode.

I ended up on a trail where I hadn't been before in order to get in my full 10 miles. After about a mile on the trail I realized I had no idea where I was. I had my phone with me so I was sort of able to tell where to go, but trails are not as clear on the maps as roads are. It's very flustering knowing how long you have to go and not knowing if you are going in the right direction. I knew I was expending extra energy being nervous and running the wrong way.

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I had completely missed the trail that I had intended on running and had to run up a busy industrial road, not my favorite. Usually when I am unsure of what is ahead I try to avoid the situation altogether, or I usually would have given up. Like when there is no sidewalk and I don't know where I will run? I have decided instead of worrying about it, dreading it, and stressing out I have started praying that Lord will give me boldness to just go for it without trepidation. I have to pass it anyways, I may as well not freak myself out mentally about it.

I got up to where I knew I could get back on the trail, the entrance was closed. I turned on the nearest road and found the detour. It had been over an hour on the road but now at least I knew where I was. There are always several people on a trail at any given time of day. I think we all had the same idea to get out before this blizzard hit!

Now let me tell you, trying to be a runner in Denver can be intimidating. I tend to try not think much about it, but I am pretty sure I might have passed at least 2 Olympians while on this particular run alone. People are super active here, it is a part of the city lifestyle. I just do my thing and try not to get too intimidated by their amazing paces and statures! But as I was just nearing the end of my 8th mile and I knew I was going 2 more I was feeling it in my legs. I saw two "Denver runners" heading my direction checking their Garmins. I usually always at least say hi or good morning to folks I pass so as I looked up to do so the girl gave me a huge smile and a thumbs up!

It was really nothing much, but it was so encouraging! Could she tell I was on my 8th mile by my half falling out pony tail or my half full water bottle bouncing up and down around my waist. Maybe she was just a fellow runner who knows how hard getting the miles in can be. I have no idea, but it helped me so much. It's amazing what a little encouragement can do!

I finished my run in the beautiful sun with stiff knees and confidence filling my heart and apreciation for my body. Because of my detour I didn't have to do the extra loop before I headed back home like I had planned, it worked out better than my plan.

{via}

My thought throughout the run was, "this is like life". We know we have so long to go, but we take wrong turns and get worried and flustered, we know we have to slow down sometimes but we MUST go through it. We mull things over as if it will help us have control over it. Sometimes when we start out we are defeating ourselves in our minds before we even really hit the challenging part, road blocks pop up, it gets hard, we want to give up. It's frustrating and scary sometimes, we don't know how we are going to get there or if we have just made a huge wrong turn that is leading us further from where we want to be. But sometimes what we see as inconvenient is actually a better option.

And when things are getting rough, sometimes it is from the most unexpected places we get a little boost of encouragement to get us through a little bit more of a rough journey.

{via}

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The importance of the in between

2012-02-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Time to refocus, it's the beginning of a new month which means its a new beginning.

It's 94 days until the marathon happens that I want to do.

I have officially finished my first month of training...

{starting slow and steady but I feel faster and stronger every day}

I am incredibly proud of this, but it is only one month down.

I still have 3 more months of training to go.

This journey has become so very important to me.

I realize that sometimes huge goals like this one seem like, yeah right. We shall see?

But I try not to think of the HUGE long term goal so much as what I need to do today.

{via}

Being awake to life means living in the moment.

I am trying not to live in the future and being overwhelmed by it.

Neither do I want to live in the past and all the successes or failures that are gone with it.

So often I am overtaken by the pain of the past or the fear of the future, neither of which I can control. I suppose this is why the Lord tells us not to worry about the future, and to consider the birds.

I like to listen to audio books when I am running, and one of them was talking about watching birds. When was the last time you observed a bird having an anxiety attack on its branch about how things were going to work out. They don't, they just are. God takes care of them, day by day, and how much more valuable are we then them.

There are a lot of animals on my runs. Sometimes up to what seems like 500 geese {which are often flying over my head and I am praying they are not going to take care of themselves on my head!!}, every once in a while I see a hawk sitting high on the tree top, a few ducks, seagulls, squirrels, these black and white birds, and a couple times I have seen grey coyotes! {Gotta love Colorado!}

{via}

There is just something about it. Doing what my body can do, surrounded by what nature was created to do and you can't hurry it. When you are running, like I am, you can't hurry up and finish 5 or 6 miles, it takes the time it takes. I can run faster, but chances are, I won't be able to finish because I will have worn myself out.

{via}

In a world of instant gratification and have it your way and give it to me now, we have lost the beauty of the moment of waiting. The moment after moment of where we are right now while we are frustrated with the thing we want most not coming. The truth is, we are waiting more in our lives than getting things we are wanting. So, the lesson is, for me, to learn to find joy in the waiting. {Believe me, not easy!}

I want my life to be more beautiful because I am living it, not worrying it away. But I will miss my son being two, or I will miss the fact that I am getting stronger, or I will miss the heart leaf, because I just want to BE THERE ALREADY!

So this marathon has huge importance for me, because it symbolizes that it is just as important to do the 3 milers as it is the 10 (which is scheduled for this weekend..:o!) Because learning doesn't and change doesn't happen instantaneously, but there is something to be said for the in between too.

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Join the February Photo a Day on Instagram

2012-01-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

Follow me on Instagram HERE

Join In!!

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It's Time.... {Long, Emtotional, Proceed with Caution}

2012-01-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

Here I am all....

last week I wrote a post that I had every intention of posting, but I went in to edit it and then never re-scheduled it. Just writing it was very cathartic and releasing for me, but I have decided it is kind of repetitive in regards to similar things that I have been posting so I will just leave it.

The short of it is, I am going to be giving up my features that I have held here for a while, I just don't want to do them anymore. So many of you encouraged me about this being my blog and I am remembering that. I feel like I had to let go of being in the lane of keeping up with "blogging Betty" whomever she may be, and I also know what it takes to keep your blog "growing" but I am just not feeling that right now.

So....

I am going to be authentic to me, and my life.

Like I said in THIS post, I just needed some time to work on me, to change the page, to start new, to get healthy in my mind, body and spirit. And in the name of keeping with authenticity it's time to share what I have been up to these last couple months.

Now, those reading this may think...

"so what?"

There are other who will NOT relate to this post whatsoever.....

and I am such a place right now that I do not care what

one

soul

reading this

thinks about me....

I don't!

This is my story, my pain, my journey, my blog.

But for me this is a really big deal.

You see ever since I had my son I have struggled with depression.

There are many older posts about that if you wish to read them.

The biggest factor, or one of them, has been my issues with weight.

I have never seen myself as thin or athletic.

I was a cheerleader in highschool and that was in its own way a form of sport, and I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't label myself an athlete through this.

If you ask my friend Amy, she thought I was jock before she met me. I have played a "LITTLE" of every sport, but I was mostly a bench warmer and things like getting cut from your jr high basketball team can leave an awkward girl devistated.

All through my adolescent days I never ever wanted to play any kind of games that were athletic for two very good reasons in my head.

1) I would look fat and ridiculous playing them and everyone would feel sorry for me and secretly laugh

2) I would look like a loppy fool.

Granted some people are just naturally more athletic than others,

and I am on the leaner end of that spectrum of talent.

But these two thoughts kept me on the sidelines of life. I did not want people to see me look like a fool. I did not want to feel like a fool. So very rarely when it was time to play volley ball, go swimming at the beach, go rock climbing, did I participate. In my mind, I was never going to be loved by a man either, because they only wanted the most athletic skinny, beautiful girls.

You see, I grew up around exercise. My mom taught Jazzercise from when I was in elementary school. The topic of food, weight loss, and the like were highly discussed amongst the women in my family from as far as I can remember. And it doesn't take a little girl long to come to the realization that she doesn't measure up.

The thing that makes me the saddest about any of this, is that I stopped it from letting me live my life to the fullest many times. Things that I probably would have enjoyed doing if I had just not worried about it. If I had just had a better self image,

I wasn't BIG I just wasn't SMALL!

But I learned early on the girls who were worth the most were the ones who were skinny, and in my mind, that wasn't me. So I would rather not parade my deficit in front of anyone.

Fast forward to meeting my husband.

I was thin(ner) when I met him. Isn't that funny, and in some ways I want to tell myself he never would have been attracted to me if I hadn't been because there is nothing worth loving in a fat girl. But fell in love we did and we were married within the year.

(By the way he is the most loving and humble man to ever walk the earth and I know he does love me, really ME, and not just how skinny or fat I am)

4 months after we were married I was pregnant and for someone with deep seeded body issues that I denied were ever really there, or just refused to look at, this was a strange and heart wrenching place for me to be in.

Here is a time when I was just getting used to being a wife, and loved wholly for me and learning to love and be in that role, and all of a sudden I was going to be a mommy! On top of this HUGE responsibility I now had no control over my body for 9 months, living with a man I'd known a year and that scale was going to creep up no matter what.

I felt horribly ugly when I was pregnant, and isn't it just the way that when you are most vulnerable (and not to mention HORMONAL) pregnancy becomes a time when people feel it is necessary to comment endlessly on your body, touch it, stare at it. I would hold my breath when I knew I wasn't showing yet, but that tummy I was able to camouflage with clothing for my ENTIRE life, now, people were assuming this was the baby bump. I just wanted to hide. Thinking of it now makes me want to cry.

Insensitive jerks asking me at 3 months if I was going to have twins cause I was "so big", the comment of "wow you have gained A LOT of weight", the swelling, the acne, the spreading nose. For others who may not have struggled their whole life with body image may not get it, but to me it broke me and it broke my heart.

As soon as I had him I was going to prove all those jerky haters wrong and I started working my butt off as soon as my c-section was healed. I lost nearly all of my baby weight in about 6 months.

I started running.

I loved it.

I was good at it.

I wanted it to be MY thing,

something I could finally be good at,

something that I could do in front of other people and not be ashamed.

My mom started running, all these other people started running, and even though there is nothing wrong with that, and its so great for them and what is the big deal, I started to break again.

Here I was with an infant, and here are these people with virtually no time constraining, pressing responsibilities in the same way as a baby.

Not only that, but we were broke as a joke.

I just felt like I couldn't keep up with the things I needed, the time I needed, I couldn't take the pressure of feeling like it was some sort of competition.

On top of this, which I am sure had much to do with it, I was dealing with the post-partum which I am sure heightened everything. I felt like the world was against me, that I would always be a failure, that no one in this world, especially me would ever believe in me.

What was I good for?

There is always someone prettier,

skinnier,

more athletic, richer,

more spiritual,

more important,

to love...

what would the point be??

I tried so hard to be a good mom, but it was tough.

My husband really saved me so many times through this hard time of early morning and endless crying.

I just wanted to be OK, I wanted to be enough.

I would watch

A Snoodles Tale from Veggie Tales

where everyone painted a picture of him that was mean and wrong

and put it in his backpack to carry around, and it weighed him down.

Then he meets the creator and he burns all those pictures and paints a picture of him strong and brave and able to fly, and tells him it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.

Only what I think of you.

I would cry every day watching this as I felt my life was falling apart.

I didn't feel I was good enough to be loved by anyone, and people seemed to act this way as well in my life, they still needed me...

i still tried to give, but there was just nothing.

I was so so empty and needy and I just didn't know what to do.

Then smack dab in the middle of this we moved to Colorado to start a church. Great idea.

I knew I wanted to keep losing weight and feel better about myself, but more than that I wanted to know that who I was was ok, no matter what.

That somehow I was worth being on this earth.

I forgot to ask God to paint me a picture, so I just carried around the picture I perceived others had painted for me.

A fat one,

an angry one,

one of a quitter,

one of a loser,

one of a failure,

and this is all I thought about for a year.

And this is what I became.

And the more I thought about how, yes, actually, this IS the person I am...

the more I did not see a reason why I was here.

I still didn't ask God for a picture,

but I asked others to help me and I just felt continally rejected,

over and over and over...

just compounding what I already thought of myself.

Yes, in a healthy brain these people's actions would have been every day normal....

but to me they were like being punched in the gut.

It hurt me so incredibly bad, even though I knew in the deep part of my logic that they weren't intentionally hurting me, I was still hurt.

I was just hurting in general.

I wanted someone to not want me to die, I wanted someone to tell me why I mattered in the world.

But what I didn't understand was that, this was a long time coming.

This was years of lies told to me, years of paintings on my back, and if you add just a touch of depression in the mix the whole thing just crumbles.

You can only act strong for so long.

I went and got some help, and it did help..i only went once, but it was enough.

We moved, we went on vacation, some of my family moved out here with us.

It was enough.

Before the New Year I asked the Lord to awaken me.

Wake me up to the lies I have been believing, wake me up to who I am,

who He made me.

I don't want to wander around life anymore in a fog, a spectator, a victim.

And He has started.

The thing is, it's a process.

I don't get better in a day, or a week, but day after day, week after week...he is showing me, He is so patient with me.

I am willing to walk through it, no matter how slow we must go, or how long it must take.

This is what I have been walking through these past couple months.

It's extremley personal, but I believe their is power in vulnerability and also power in sharing our pain because nothing I have said needs to be held in shame or cloaked in darkness.

I am losing weight, I am focusing on health, I am training for a marathon.

Week in and week out, one day at a time, I get stronger every.

I don't do it to be loved more,

I don't do it to be with the "in" crowd,

I don't do it so "so and so" can find me acceptable,

I am doing it so I can live my life

awake.

I am doing it because I am strong.

I am doing it because I am not defined my anyone's opinion of me.

I am doing it because I can be an athlete, regardless of my past.

I am doing it because I am only 30 and I have a lot of life left to live.

I am doing it because I am a gosh darn FIGHTER.

I am doing it because I am not going to be defined by my mistakes.

I am doing it because I am not perfect, but NO ONE is!

I am doing it because I can overcome.

I am doing it because I AM A RUNNER!

I am doing it because

with God, NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE.

I am doing it because I AM ALIVE!

I am doing it because Jesus came to save me,

I am the one who who SAT IN DARKNESS,

who He is bringing into light!

I was the one in chains,

who He is SETTING FREE!

My life is not over, and

I will BE with I AM.

So this blog will be now spliced with some running, some inspiration quotes, some recipes perhaps, and just my journey.

I would love for you to come along, be free with me.

I appreciate all and any support.

Much Love,

Ashley

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

2012-01-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

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Why you need to buy from Polkadot Pretties {Changing Pad}

2012-01-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I am always on the lookout for something unique and individual for myself, as gifts, etc.

I don't want another thing exactly like 500 other people have.

You know what I mean?

That is why I love Etsy and all it's many personalized options and

this is what I love about Claire's shop

"Polkadot Pretties"

She has such fun items in her shop and they are very well made!

I was privileged to review this super cute baby girl changing pad!

{Not that I am pregnant, but I am sure I will want to buy one if I ever do have a girl}

It came in the cutest packaging and had this adorable carrying case. So easy to slide into your diaper bag and slide out when the little miss needs a change and there you have your unique baby changing pad!

{ooohs and ahhhs}

Inside the pad itself was just as cute with the sturdy hot pink ribbon holding it all together.

You simply untied and it is ready for use.

Very well made, soft, and so so cute!

Claire is

re-launching

her shop TODAY
where she will have completely

new fabrics and designs!

She will also be introducing some really nice

Canvas tote bags that will make excellent diaper bags ;)

Check out her shop HERE!

She will be offering free post and packaging on any orders from this post!

My little changing pad will be making it's home with my new niece,

Peyton Kay,

who is due any moment now!

I know she will enjoy it!

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A Face without freckles is like a sky without stars....

2012-01-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

This song came on my Pandora today and it reminded me of this video I made over a year ago when I was really struggling with my self-esteem.

It's to Natasha Bedingfields "Freckles" and I made it with pictures I like of myself and ones that I really really really don't like of myself, because all those are parts of me. I can't be ok with some parts of me and not all parts of me.

"A face without freckles is like a sky without the stars, why waist a second not loving who you are. Those little imperfections make you beautiful, valuable, lovable, they show your personality inside your heart, reflecting who you are!"

Why waist a minute?

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

2012-01-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

{via}

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