Ekim-RandomRamblings

The Magic of Gardening

2009-11-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

Two years ago I knew nothing about gardening but I wasn't afraid to try something new. I mean, how cool is it to be able to grow food in your own back yard. I headed right to the store and grabbed a bag of dirt. I'll never use the saying “dirt cheap” again, dirt was kinda expensive. I also needed to get some seeds. Let's see, they have lettuce, tomato, pea.....Dude, where's the bacon seeds!? I was so disappointed to find out they didn't have those.

So I plant my seeds in some dirt that had the word “Miracle” on the bag (someone thinks very highly of their dirt) and wait for the magic to happen. And wait. And wait. Then, Imagine how excited I was to find the first little sprouting of green coming from the soil and how disappointed I was to find out it was just mold. But a few days later I actually did have some tiny sprouts. "Bwaahaahaa, I've created Life!!!" For the next week or so I felt like the jolly green giant as I went out to water my tiny little garden. “Ho ho ho”, I would say (in the voice of James Earl Jones).

Finally, it was time to plant the little guys out in the yard. And the next morning they were all dead. I think I planted them in the garden a little too soon, you live and learn. I also learned about composting, I get to throw my garbage in the back yard and make my own dirt. Great, now I can start saying “dirt cheap” again.

So, last years garden was a little bit more successful. I waited until the plants were fairly big before I moved them to the yard. I planted a ton of seed just in case some died. I watered them often, I had squash, zucchini, radishes, lettuce, tomatoes and twelve herbs and spices (just to one-up Colonel Sanders). This garden was magnificent, it grew to be so huge that it looked like Jumanji in my back yard. And this ended up dying from all these giant plants competing for food and water. Like a crowd of teenage girls fighting over a Jonas Brothers concert ticket.

This year, I think I got it all figured out. Plus, a friend recommended that I use black cow manure in my garden. I really can't believe that you have to BUY cow crap, this is getting ridiculous. I mean, if I have to pay for manure to be some magical solution to my gardening woes wouldn't it make more sense to have David Copperfield poop in my back yard?

Facebook is THAT friend

2009-11-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

I noticed recently that Facebook has become the instigator of drama by sending notifications to my friends that I would not normally send. Not because I don't like to start drama just because I am simply too lazy to do it myself. I don't know about you but I kind of like this new feature of Facebook. It allows me to piss of my friends and requires very little effort on my part.

For example when Facebook informed me that my friends think Tiffany is funnier than I am. That is basically insulting to both of us seeing as she has a serious blog and I have a humor blog. Or do I?

Even when I was simply bored and playing an innocent game of bejeweled blitz Facebook felt compelled to let Melissa know that I had just whooped her butt. Even though I think that the real message was simply, “Melissa has more of a LIFE than I do”.

I think I could do without the “You're a crap bag friend” feature. You know the one that nags you to reconnect with someone by writing on their wall. And it's even worse when it's my daughter who they are telling me to reconnect with. Like I'm a douche bag father. Hey, I gave her lunch money that should be worth more than writing on her wall. “Sorry kid, I can't go to the mall with you, Facebook thinks it would be better bonding time for me to write on your wall.” Great, Now I'm getting parenting advice from a social networking site.

So, Facebook has become that friend who likes to talk shit about you behind your back. Spreading rumors and gossip, trying to start drama and ruin friendships and trying to have your kids taken away for neglect. And, much like that instigating friend, the facts don't really matter it's the drama that counts.

I want you later

2009-11-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

So, a friend asked me what I did today and I told her that I spent the day jackhammering quarry tile. Her response was, “That's kinda hot”. This seems to be a common thought among women which I simply can't seem to understand.
I mean, I am covered in construction debris and I worked two hours longer than my deodorant. I fail to see how this could be considered “hot”. I can see the practical side of this for a woman who is looking for a man who is handy around the house. That might be very attractive for a woman in a, “Why don't you shower first” sort of way.

But she insisted that when a woman says, “I want you”, she means “Now”. This might be one of those gender difference things that I could never understand because my gender bits dangle. Or, salute if the situation calls for it. Or if it's morning (another thing I don't really understand). But let me get back to my point (I can't help but notice what a poor choice of words “point” is at this particular moment).

There has to be times when “I want you” could mean “later”. I put some thought into it and came up with a list:

After I've had a few more drinks.
When you turn 18.
After you finish your STD prescription.
After you win the lottery.
When your Husband is out of town.
When you are released from prison.
After your sex change operation.

See, “I want you” doesn't necessarily have to mean "now" while you are sweaty and covered in dust, construction debris and whatever that black stuff is (I really hope that is grease from the jackhammer). The only thing worse than a fly in the ointment is a tile shard in the...

God is on Facebook

2009-10-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

I just heard the most preposterous caller talking to a psychic on the radio station. The woman recently got married and even more recently connected with her old boyfriend from high school on Facebook.

She claims that this must be a sign from God. I Hurried home to see if I had any messages from God on my Facebook account and got nothing. He may just be mad at me for choosing "Other" as my religion.

After getting over the disappointment of not having any divine messages or superpokes, I consulted the bible. Maybe there is a clause that I overlooked. I flipped through the pages to find the ten commandments and see if there were any amendments like, "Thou shall not commit adultery unless thou meets an old flame on Facebook". Nothing. Damn, I need to get a new bible, she must be reading the King Zuckerberg version.

She did go on to say that this man was her best friend in High school and she had lost her virginity to him. Of course she was madly in love with him. Which instantly made me wonder where the hell has he been all these years? Why didn't she find him BEFORE she got married?

I'm also wondering about the marriage vows. Maybe she wrote her own, "Til death parts us, or I find an old flame on Facebook". Now I know that Facebook doesn't destroy relationships, people do. I think that Facebook is merely a catalyst in making people reveal their true colors.

Now, if God is telling this woman to cheat on her husband, who am I to argue with God? My thought is that, not only should she cheat on her husband but she should also post it on his wall so that everyone can see the deep level of devotion she has to her marriage.

It wasn't me

2009-10-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

I am 38 years old and I am still looking forward to hitting puberty. Now don't get me wrong, I have a few chest hairs (5 I think) and I am almost able to grow a beard. The sides just won't fill in so I have this whole “Shaggy” from Scooby-Doo thing going on. So, as you can imagine, I've always been a little bit behind my peers when it comes to growing up. Zoiks Scoob, I need to get on with the story.

What you are about to hear is an epic tale of bravery that changed the life of one young man forever.
We moved from upstate New York (That's right, upstate, the fake NY) to Florida when I started 6th grade. So, I didn't know anybody when I started middle school. Within the first few days I had made a handful of friends and had learned which kids I should steer clear of. One of those kids was a boy who had obviously failed a few times. I think he was the only kid in middle school who was old enough to drive himself to school. In fact, I heard a rumor that this kid had a son who was in 7th grade. This kid was big and he was a bully so everyone tried to avoid him.

In the cafeteria, I had just gotten my little divided tray filled with barely recognizable items that they called lunch and I was too busy determining what it was to notice that I was walking into the middle of a very dangerous situation. That's right, there was about to be a fight. Suddenly, this shadow eclipsed my tray of mystery meat and I looked up to see that I was face to face with this bully kid. With his deep voice (sounding a bit like James Earl Jones) he asks, “You got a problem?” I looked at his face and was relieved to notice that he wasn't looking at me. With catlike reflexes I whipped my head back to size up his intended opponent. Oh, that poor kid behind me is about to get pummeled and I get to have a close up view of the action. This is so exciting.

Now, I look back at this bully smiling with anticipation for his next move. “I said, do you have a problem”, he repeated. I caught myself nodding and smiling as I was thinking to myself, “That's right, he did say that and that kid better answer him” but I heard no response and this bully was getting more pissed. I don't know why fights are so exciting but I was really hoping to see some good action here.

Well, now the bully is getting very annoyed that this kid won't respond. “Do you want me to beat your ass?”, he asks. That's kind of a dumb question when you think about it but I wanted to see a good fight so I was nodding and smiling and thinking, “Yes, beat his ass”. Again, no response. This kid is really asking for trouble. The bully is really getting frustrated, he is running out of options other than the use of violence. “What is your fecking problem?”, he asks. I find myself, once again, acting out what I am thinking. I shrug my shoulder and look confused thinking, “I don't know WHAT his problem is”. I know that if this bully were talking to me like that I would say something, anything, to avoid getting beat up.

To my disappointment, the bully simply gave up. Maybe it was the fact that the entire cafeteria was dead silent and everyone was watching but he simply walked away.

Noise resumed in the cafeteria as I sat down with my handful of friends who were just staring at me in silent disbelief. One of them finally spoke, “Dude, that was like the bravest thing ever”. I had to clear this up, “No No No, he was looking at some kid behind me.” What my friend said next changed this story completely, “No, he has one eye that looks at you and the other one doesn't”. That's right, I stared into the face of death and looked at the wrong eye.

The birds, the bees and explosives

2009-05-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every persons life when their parents feel the need to give them "the talk". It's usually a mortifying experience that stands out in every childs mind. In fact, I remember the day that my Dad gave me "the talk" like it was yesterday even though it was actually two weeks ago.
This is one of those times when I really wish I was joking. I'm 38 years old and have three kids. I was married for nine years. I've had sex with hundreds of women and a handful of them were even real. I think it's a little late for "the talk".
Besides, my Mom already gave me"the talk". Actually, she gave it to my older brother but I did over hear the conversation. I think that I was six at the time. I remember hearing her tell him, "You have a stick of dynamite between your legs and one of these days it's going to go off". For months I was afraid to go pee. It may not have been all that eloquent but it was direct and to the point.

I quickly realized that my Dad had set me up for a trap. What he asked me was, "Are you comfortable talking to your Dad about sex?" In the back of my mind (as well as the front) I'm thinking, "Sure, what do you want to know". I honestly thought that he was going to ask me for some pointers.
What actually ensued was something that left me speechless. He began telling me about the stuff he used to do with my Mom. Go back and read what he asked, that's not a typo. This is not what I agreed to. I think it was something that he needed to get off of his chest. It was one of the few times when I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. I tried to plug my ears but I was frozen like a deer in the headlights.
My therapist tells me that the nightmares won't last forever and some day I may even be able to be intimate with a woman again or, at least... myself. For now, I am still recovering.

Dirty Dreams

2009-05-14T11:50:00.001-07:00

Well, this is my first attempt at doing a blog post from my mobile phone. As it turns out, you have to occasionally pay your internet bill or you get shut off. Imagine that. But, if all goes well, I won't let Verizon stifle the random rambler.

Last night I was talking to a friend who thought her air conditioner was broken based on the puddle of water that she found on the floor so, she had turned it off.
I asked her when she had changed the filter last. Turns out it was quite a while ago and the filter was horribly dirty. Occasionally, you have to change the filter in your air conditioner or you get shut off.
I told her to change the filter and fire that bad boy up.

This morning I called to check on her and she told me that she had a dirty dream about me. That's not exactly what she said, that's just what I heard. Truth is that she had a dream about dirty filters but I have a male ego to inflate.

As luck would have it I had a bit of an erotic dream last night too. It never got to the dirty part, I wish I would have been able to sleep in. It was actually just like having four hours of foreplay without it going any further. I remember an old saying, "you could screw up a wet dream". Oh great, I have become that guy.

Of course I am not going to tell you who this dream was about. I don't kiss and tell (ok, so now you know that there was kissing) even if it was just in a dream. Don't always let the interesting lies end. Some of them, I have to leave open to keep peoples curiosity. But, if you are reading this and wondering to yourself, "is it me?", the answer is probably "no". Even I didn't see this dream coming.

Anyway, back to my point. Oh right, I don't have a point, hence the term "rambling". Anyway, I had a dream that I was simply massaging this womans shoulders for like the longest time. The problem with erotic dreams is that they make you see people differently. I can't tell you how many times my ex wife had dreams that we were fighting and I had to pay for it the next day or even week.
Anyway, I have a hard time trying talking to this woman now. Apparently even writing about her as I look back to the last sentence. Gosh, all because of a dream that never even went very far. I try to convince myself that it was just a dream but I am beginning to get some clarity about the times I had to sleep on the couch throughout my marriage and never knew what I did wrong.

Decisions, Decisions

2009-05-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

It seems that one debate that comes up again and again is whether or not people can choose their sexual preference. Like everything else, I have put way too much thought into this and I have come to my final conclusion that it is definitely not a choice.

I remember when I was a child I had some very big decisions to make. Do I want chicken McNuggets or a cheeseburger for dinner? Will I be Spiderman or the Hulk for Halloween? You know, life changing choices like that. But, I don't ever remember the gay or straight decision.

It probably didn't happen when I was a child though. If it did, it probably wouldn't have been girls, I'm almost positive that they had cooties which were highly contagious and also deadly. Plus, I was convinced that cooties would make my pee-pee fall off and I'd have to change my name to Michelle.

A few years later I noticed that girls no longer had cooties so they must be simply a childhood disease. I still don't remember this as being a choice, I just noticed that girls had some redeeming qualities that were becoming more and more prevalent.

Now, if I actually had a choice to make as to who I would be attracted to, the obvious choice would be myself. Think about it. Dating would be cheaper. I always know when I am in the mood. I know that I will always be there for me. It seems like the best choice.
Besides, when I am stuck in traffic and there is nothing good on the radio, I could, you know, enjoy the wait with myself. Not that I don't do that anyway but it would be more enjoyable.
Taking a shower would be much more fun, I could always shower with the one I love.

Besides, people are always telling me to go Feck myself, imagine if I actually could. Or better yet, actually enjoyed it. Yes, life would be a lot simpler if I actually got to choose who I was attracted to. Bottom line is, on this one, I don't think I had any choice.
Nope, for me the simple fact is that if you put a blind fold on me and put me in a room with a hundred women, I could find the crazy one and put a ring on her finger. Yup, that seems to be what I ended being attracted to.

Sex and cinnamon life

2009-05-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

It may come as a surprise that I am not always a funny guy who laughs at the world. I have my bad days too and sometimes the world laughs back. In fact, on occasion I decide to have a few bad days in a row, just to get them all out. What surprises me is the way that some people react to me on those bad dayweeks.

One of my very close friends said something so shocking that I was seriously beginning to wonder if someone had slipped me a micky (I' have always wanted to say that, it's so "old School" that I feel like I am in a black and white film right now) and I simply misunderstood what she had said. Sorry about going off on such a long parenthetical tangent. I'm really not sorry, it just seemed like something I should be sorry for.

Anyway, I'm sure you are wondering what she could have said that was so shocking. I'll get to that in a minute but first, I feel another tangent coming on. I have also wanted to try to work the term "penal system" into a blog post but I can't find the right context for it here so I'll have to try again later.

Oh, back to my story. I have to first explain that this is a woman who is an extremely moral catholic woman and the last person you would expect to say something so shocking. Now, let me tell you that she was trying to help. I was feeling down and she seemed to have a solution for me to get back to feeling myself. Feeling myself, I am going to resist the urge to go off on another tangent.

"Dude, you need to get laid", she says. Did I hear that right? At first I thought that she must be implying that I take a vacation in Hawaii. Then, I thought that maybe "laid" was some Catholic religious ceremony like a baptism. The only "laid" that I can possibly think of in this context is...well..."laid".
Now it would be entirely inappropriate for me to link to her Catholic inside blog. So don't expect me to do that HERE.

Now, the only appropriate guy thing to do is to point out that we are both single. I quickly found out that she was making a suggestion, not an offer. But more advice ensued as she pointed out that my ex wife is also single and we are still good friends. Of course, my ex wife didn't want to, "Go down that road again". Would it really take that much effort for her to lay there and repeatedly ask, "Are you done yet?" like she did so many times throughout our marriage?

So, anyway. This should be every guys fantasy, having two women fighting over who is going to have sex with him. Of course, in my case, it plays out like the old Cinnamon life cereal commercial. "I'm not gonna try it, you try it" pushing the bowl away "I'm not gonna try it". Ladies, please, there's milk spilling over here.

It's not broken

2009-01-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

Well, there seems to be some controversy stirring at the Ekim household. On one side of the debate is my neighbor and my kids and on the RIGHT side of the debate is me. The problem is that everyone who is wrong seems to think that I need a new dryer. Let me start from the beginning and you can decide for yourself just how right I am.

Genesis: The dryer was given to me by my mother. It was well used and broken but I fixed it. After a few years it began to make a funny noise but only at the end of the cycle. I saw this as a good thing, it was letting me know when my clothes were dry and the smell of burning plastic was hardly noticeable. We'll just say that it was a feature for the hearing impaired.

Not too long ago, the belt broke, the heating element burned out and a wheel in the back of the dryer turned into a molten fiery goo. That was no big deal, simple parts that were easily replaced. Let's call that some routine maintenance.

Shortly after that, the dryer would shut off all by itself in the middle of the cycle. A few times this resulted in moldy clothes but mold sort of smells like Polo cologne after it has set out for a few days. So, just think of all the money I am saving on cologne.

Currently, the dryer appears to be broken at first glance. When you push the button all it does is make a buzzing noise and a little puff of white smoke comes out (Again, for the hearing impaired). All you need to do it reach inside the dryer and hand turn the drum just enough to get it started. Of course, you can't do that with the door open because when the door opens, the dryer stops. But, I have cleverly taped the door switch down so it will still run with the door open, giving me the chance to jump start the dryer.
Now, I think that this is endearing. It reminds me of the old cars with the huge spoke tires that you had to start with a hand crank on the front bumper. Or, maybe one of those old fashioned planes that you would have to spin the prop to get it started. I'm not doing laundry, I'm like a pilot. How cool is that.

So, this is why all these people (who are wrong) think I need a new dryer. The bottom line is that the dryer dries clothes. Sure, you have to start it by precariously reaching your hand into a hot spinning drum and you have to ignore the loud noise and faint smell of burning electronics but it dries clothes. I don't know how I could possibly be more right, do you?
Is your dryer broken? No, it dries clothes. See, it's as simple as that.

Now the WRONG PEOPLE have their own group on Facebook.

Grant Money

2009-01-12T15:32:00.000-08:00

Sterility is hereditary.
If your parents couldn't have children
Chances are, you can't either.

I wonder if I can get some government grant money to prove my theory?

Strange Math

2008-11-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

While waiting in line at the grocery store I was looking at the magazine covers. I know I shouldn't do that, I REALLY shouldn't. Some of the stuff that these people write, I just can't believe that anyone would read this garbage. Then again, people read my blog so...

One of the headings made me burst out laughing. Nothing strange about that right? I'm just standing there, quietly waiting and suddenly start laughing like a psych patient responding to internal stimuli. The woman behind me grabbed her children and headed to a different line.

Seriously, the heading that I read was on Self magazine. I'll give them a link and hope that they laugh instead of litigate. The heading read, "Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes". How the hell do you measure that? Seriously, what kind of math is involved to figure this out? I didn't go to college so maybe I missed the course on quantifying sexiness.

Now, I'm sure that I will get some criticism for this. There are women who take this subject very seriously. They have charts and graphs and Venn Diagrams with complex formulas for determining the exponent of their sexiness over a period of time.

For me, I am worried about being too sexy. I don't think I need the full 100% increase in sexiness. I've decided to take a more subtle approach and spend 1.75 minutes to look 25% sexier. Yeah, I think that's all I need. Besides, I'm all about taking Baby steps.

Renegade

2008-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it that the Secret Service as chosen a code name for our new President elect, "Renegade".

Is he going to ride to The White House on a sweet motorcycle like Lorenzo Lamas?

Imagine

2008-11-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

Often times we get caught up in the stability and security of our own lives and it's hard for us to imagine that life is not the same way for all people.

Imagine if you suddenly had to leave your country because violence broke out.

Imagine having to evacuate and having no place to call home.

Where would you sleep?

What would you eat?

What if you became sick?

What about your children?

It's hard to Imagine but life is just like this for millions of refugees around the world.

Imagine if there was something you could do to help.

There is.
With your help there is hope.
Take a few minutes right now to visit these websites:
www.refugees.org and www.womenscommission.org

Blind Luck

2008-11-02T17:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered how people manage to get through life in one piece?

I saw the most amazing thing yesterday. I was driving in the right hand lane, about to make a right turn when this guy comes flying from the left lane to cut me off. There's three lanes here and I am far from being the only car on the road.

I probably would have hit him had it not been for the screeching tires of the other drivers he narrowly avoided. I heard cuss words that would make a sailor blush. Some of them even came from outside of my truck.

Then, as he makes the right turn, he doesn't yield but instead goes to the far left lane. Again, he cuts off three lanes of traffic. Horns are honking, tires are screeching, fingers are flying and new profanities are being invented.

At this point, I lose sight of this genius because I actually have to wait for an opening in the traffic to make my turn. Sometimes, stupidity does the work of bravery and, at this moment, I am neither brave nor stupid.

I finally make my turn and immediately merge into the left lane to make a left turn. No surprise but guess who I see zip from the far right lane to cut me off in the left turn lane? Yep, the same genius.

At this point, I notice something astonishing. The car he is driving isn't new. It's NOT NEW! This car doesn't have a sngle scratch or dent on it and it's four years old. With the way this guy drives, this car should look like it just came from a demolition derby.

I have to follow this guy and ask him for the lottery numbers. There's no way this is driving skill, it has to be blind luck.

Road trip

2008-10-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

They say that 9 out of 10 bad drivers is distracted. Ok, I made that up but it works well for this story. My son wanted me to take him to visit his friend. Now, my sons navigational methods leave a lot to be desired. "He lives down that road by the auto parts store, in a yellow house", he explains. Great, let me mapquest "Yellow house", this should be interesting.

So, now I have no idea where I am going. I'm driving slowly down this road waiting for my son to say, "Oh, that was it, we should have turned there". There's some construction being done to this road. No wait, this road looks like a friggin asteroid hit it. Right in the middle of this road is a giant crater marked by flashing lights and signs that read, "DANGER you are about to fall off the face of the earth".

At this point, I'm glad that I have a four wheel drive pickup because I'm thinking I may need it. I got the extended cab pickup with the fold down seat in the back. My youngest daughter is sitting in that seat and she thinks that plummeting into the belly of the earth is a lot of fun. The fold up seat is perfect for single Dads, I call it the sometimes seat. Do you have kids? Sometimes. Of course there are the purists that say, "Well, you're always a father". Nope, sometimes I'm a real mother.

So, back to my story. By the grace of God and my sons ability to remember house colors rather than numbers, we actually made it to the right house. Now he told me to wait for him, it will only take a minute. For those of you who don't have teenagers, a "minute" is how long it takes to grow a beard. That same principal can be applied to chores, "When are you going to mow the lawn?" "In a minute".

So, now it's dark out and we are finally on our way home. My beard is full and so is my bladder. My daughter is now sleeping in the backseat and I am going way too fast to remember the giant crater in the road ahead. Oh yeah, we hit that thing going forty. Now, if I were younger and didn't have kids in the truck I would say that I "Caught some wicked air" but this was no fun at all.

So, we jumped this thing like a scene from a Michael Bay movie. Everything in the bed of the truck lifted out of the bed, rotated 180 degrees and landed right back where it was only inverted. Everything in the cab of the truck, including all the change, receipts and my drink lifted up and hovered for a second before landing neatly where it originally was.

Of course I'm kidding, that crap went everywhere. It looked like my center console threw up. Amazingly, my daughter slept through the entire stunt, landing and all. My son was looking at me funny because, out of habit, I put my arm out to protect him even though he is bigger than I am. I know he would have just broken through my arm if the impact of landing were strong enough but it's the thought that counts.

After pulling myself together I realize that I no longer have to pee. Oh wait, that's just the soda that went everywhere. But I did feel totally relieved when I finally made it home safely. I pulled into the driveway and turned the ignition off and somehow, that makes my daughter wake up. Amazing that she can sleep through anything as long as the engine is running.

Strange Behaviour

2008-09-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

Why do people walk funny in the rain? I know you've seen this. They walk out of a building and see that it is raining so they duck their heads down. Why do they duck? Do they think the rain won't see them? It's coming from the sky, it's gonna hit you no matter how far you put your head down. Everybody does this. Like it's a well know fact that if you get lower to the ground the rain won't fall on you. Now, I'm no physics expert but I think there's a flaw in this theory.
Like the little rain drops are saying, "Aw Man, he ducked. Now we're never gonna get him".

I was out on a job once and lighting struck. The guy that I was working with started running. This is the funniest thing I've seen during a storm. Did he actually think he was going to outrun lightning? I mean, you have to have a pretty good self image to think that you can run faster than the speed of light. It's Lightning!!! By the time you hear it coming, it's too late to do anything about it. And where are you going to run to? For all you know, you are running to the next place it's gonna hit.
I understand that it scared him, he told me that when I looked at him like he was crazy. All I could think to say was, "Okay Flash, let's go home. It's about to rain and we can't work if we have to duck down".

Do nothing

2008-09-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

I am looking to form a group of activist that will not act. It may sound silly but I like things the way they are and I would like to keep them that way.

Here's my agenda:

I want to have money that says, "In God we trust".
As opposed to "In Government we trust". Yeah, right.

I want to have my favorite sports team keep the name they have instead of changing the name to something that is more politically correct.
Mainly because I already bought the jersey and now I just look silly when I wear my "Devil Rays" hat. Sorry, it's just "Rays" now but I did take a black sharpie and crossed out "Devil" so as not to offend anyone.

I want to be able to walk my dog on a leash, in accordance with the law, to prevent him from running out into traffic. Sorry PETA but I think the former is much more humane.

I'd like to be able to eat a steak instead of tofurkey. You can call it something that sounds like meat but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. Oh crap, wait, that would be animal testing, Sorry again PETA.

So, in this time of Obama calling for "Change", there are some things that I would like to see remain the same. If enough people join me we can sit on the steps of the courthouse Indian sty. . oh, I mean criss cross apple sauce. Wait, "Cross", isn't that a religious reference? Ok, maybe we should just stand.

Force fed salad

2008-09-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

It was my sisters birthday but she doesn't read my blog so I can talk about her. We went out to dinner and she made me eat a salad. I didn't want a salad, did you know that lettuce is made out of heads? But, it was her birthday, so I felt obligated.

She's a vegetarian. For my birthday she's gonna have to eat a bacon double cheeseburger. She says that she is concerned about my health. Pffft, I'm as healthy as a horse. Hey, horse sounds more delicious than this salad. Waiter, can I get some meat on my salad?

Why is it that some vegetarians (Not my sister) feel like they need to convert you to their food religion? Can't you just eat your bowl of veggies and STFU? I don't preach to you and try to sprinkle your salad with bacon bits. It's like they are more right because they don't eat meat. Well, it makes me feel better to know that the meat I do eat comes from vegetarian animals.

Back to my point. Actually, I'm not sure that I have a point but anyway. I told my sister that she was placing a big burden on me and I have to eat twice as much meat now to make up for the fact that she is a vegetarian. I eat "double" cheeseburgers now because it pains me to think that poor little Mary Sue can't go to college because her Dad is a cattle farmer.

She was pretty good about that comment and just said, "That's nice of you". Darn, she didn't take the bait, now I feel terrible. "I'm just kidding", I said, "She can still go to college because her Dad makes money from the vegetable farmers, selling them the POOP that your food is grown in".
Bon Appetite!

Wordless whatevers

2008-09-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna do one of those wordless whatevers. I think it's supposed to be on Wednesday but I lose track of days.

Also, for your amusement, I saw this funny picture a while ago:

Then I thought, "That poor bird is gonna be hungry again in 20 minutes".

Ok, maybe it wasn't entirely wordless or even on Wednesday but whatever.

Doomsday

2008-09-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, the news was really pissing me off tonight. The teaser said that it would be the end of the world. Apparently there is a science experiment that is going to be switched on tomorrow that will create a black hole that will suck up the world and we will all be dead.

Now, the news keeps teasing me with this and telling me that it will be coming up in the next segment while they talk about politics and schools.

I just need to go get groceries but first I want to know if I am going to be alive tomorrow. Should I buy something healthy or should I eat eight pounds of bacon and cheese for dinner? If I'm going to die, I don't want to die with money in the bank, I want to be overdrawn. Get to the point people, you're wasting my time.

Seriously, if I'm just gonna get sucked up into a black hole while I am sleeping let me go out in debt with clogged arteries. I damn sure don't want to eat a salad and pay my electric bill with my last little bit of money. Does it really matter who I vote for if we are all getting sucked into the black abyss?

cable

2008-08-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

I don't have cable. I know that's a shock because many people look at me like I have a third eyeball when I tell them that. To me, it doesn't seem all that strange at all, I just don't watch that much tv.

What does seem strange to me is having basic cable. Television is broadcast for free, as it should be, because the programs are sponsored. Why would anyone pay good money to watch advertisements?

Now, I'm not encouraging anyone to drop their cable. I don't want to put the cable companies out of business, that would cost a lot of people their jobs. However, imagine if everyone did drop their cable and stopped watching. The companies that spend millions of dollars each year on commercial advertising might have to spend that money on making better products that actually work in order to get customers. Imagine not being able to convince people that they want to buy your products that they don't need. Shocking, I know.

Radio is free. People don't scoff at me when I tell them that I listen to the radio. Now, you can get satellite radio and pay for it, without the commercials. Wait, that actually makes sense.

Captchas

2008-08-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

I can barely remember sequences of random numbers and letters that are in normal type.

Now, swirl them around and distort them and I get really confused.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with my greatest achievement so far

The Captcha friendly keyboard:

Finally, we can surf the web and successfully enter Captchas without the use of the magic shrooms.

visual delays

2008-08-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that anyone who drives is able to feel my pain on this one. All I want to do is get home but the right lane is blocked off and traffic is backed up for miles. The problem is that even with just one lane, the traffic should still be moving but it isn't.

There is a traffic light way up there that I watch turn from red to green many times and I still have not moved much at all. At this point, it is less like a traffic light and more like the sphincter on Constipation Boulevard. I can't wait to get beyond this thing and be in the fast moving, watery lanes of sewer street (Now there's an analogy that I took too far).

I'm thinking this has to be something good, maybe aliens have landed or bigfoot is directing traffic. I can't imagine what is making traffic move sofa king slow. This is what they call a visual delay, there is really no reason for the traffic to be backed up. People are just getting a good look at what they closed the lane for. It's really not that difficult, light turns green Go!

I'll admit, I can't wait to see what is going on that is so interesting that I am growing a beard while waiting to get home. And with gas costing an arm and a leg, I'd like to get moving. My mind is going crazy thinking about all the possibilities of what I am about to see if I ever get up that far.

It was a man with a shovel, people, a man with a shovel. He wasn't even in the road, he was off to the side of the road, digging in the grass. I mean, I hate to disappoint you, that's just not that interesting, I really wanted to see aliens or Elvis.

A public service

2008-08-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

I was at the beach once and this older couple was leaving. The guy was struggling to get the beach umbrella closed and the older lady barked, "It doesn't take a brain scientist to figure it out". I got a good laugh from the "Brain scientist" bit. If you plan to make someone feel stupid, make sure you don't sound like a moron while you are doing it. For the record, "Brain surgeon" or "Rocket scientist" would be the correct words to say.

Today, it dawned on me that I often bite my tongue when I shouldn't. I should speak my mind and let the world know my thoughts, it would be a great public service. Just think how many lives I could touch and even correct just by letting them know exactly what I am thinking.

This realization came to me as I was buying groceries. Now, as I single man, I have asked out and been rejected by a few women (Which, by the way, is a huge turn-off). That part is not at all relevant to this story, I just wanted to make a "Shout out" to the single ladies that read my blog.

Ok, enough of that, back to my story. The guy that was bagging my groceries was talking to the cashier. He asked her, "You know that dorky guy that comes in here with the glasses?". He goes on to talk about how nerdy this guy is and tells her that he asked one of the cashiers out on a date.

At this point, I looked at him and just had to laugh. So, he says to me, "The guy is really dorky", thinking that I am laughing with him. Oh now this is where I had to bite my tongue and I shouldn't have. I wasn't laughing because I agreed with this guy. What I wanted to say was, "You bag groceries"!

Seriously, this guy bags groceries for a living. He takes the spaghetti sauce and tampons and puts them in a bag for people, that is his contribution to society. And he thinks that he has the right to pick on someone for being nerdy. Hello, nerdy guy probably makes in one day what you make all year. Not that there is anything wrong with bagging groceries, someone has to do it. I just don't think that you have the right to talk smack about customers in front of other customers.

This guy actually believes that I think he is funny but I just think he's an ass. It doesn't take a brain scientist or a rocket surgeon to put groceries in a plastic bag. Besides, do they talk about the "white men can't jump" guy with his hat backwards as soon as I leave? Sure, the cashier is much better of with the guy that bags groceries, why would she want someone that could afford to buy groceries.

Now, for the grocery baggers who are about to leave me derogatory comments, I did say that there is nothing wrong with bagging groceries but you shouldn't talk bad about other customers in front of customers. Save that talk for the break room.