Elf Ink Stories

Charges Of Nepotistically Enhanced Deal-Making Are Categorically Ambivalized!

2006-09-04T20:20:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of waiting for someone to ask how I got to be the Chief Elf, so I'm just gonna tell ya.

I married into the job... my wife has some Elvish heritage in her jeans. Mrs. Chief Elf (a.k.a. Princess Alatáriël) has some ancestors from "a very distant place," and she is, in fact, an heiress. As her consort, I get many benefits, including, after extensive negotiations, the exclusive trading rights on Earth with The Intergalactic Union of Elves.

By the way, my two daughters, Princess Promise and Princess Rebecca, contributed some suggestions to Piers Anthony, which he used in his hilarious Xanth series book, "Cube Route". Unlike the historical stories you find on this blog, Piers' stories are just fiction. At any rate, Piers is a very clever fellow, and he reckoned that Promise was already an Elvish enough name, but he gave Rebecca the name "Remember." And the Elvish versions for Promise and Remember are Nápoldë and Sára. I'll tell you more about them, and my sons Haldamir and Elessar, at a later date...

See also: Elvish Names

Take a left after Andromeda...

2006-09-03T18:44:00.000-05:00

Another cartoon exhibited here with the kind permission of the most-talented and gracious Mark Irish ("Mr. Irish").

Of Elves and Ogres... etc, etc.

2006-09-03T15:21:00.000-05:00

It is now time in our series of expoundatory de-mythsification articles for the complex topic of the inter-relationships between Elves, Giants, Ogres, Dragons, and People. Well, the executive summary, anyway.

Giants, like Elves, are space-travelers, but Giants aren't traders, they're "sportsmen"... or rather, sports-Giants, except they don't play football, they hunt Dragons. Or rather, they use Ogres to hunt Dragons, kind of like the English aristocracy uses Hound Dogs to hunt Foxi. That's clear enough, right? So where do the Elves and People fit in?

Well, as we're all now well aware, Elves are traders, but they need other sentient Creatures to trade with. Having monitored humankind's evolutionizing for a long time, they were just getting hopeful that our Ancestors would be developing into traders in a few thousand more generations, when People were threatened with extinction! Annihilation! And higher cave taxes! That's because this was all during our cave-dwelling period, and caves were also the preferred habitat for Dragons. I'm sure you now see how this ended up...

The Giants sent the Ogres into caves to flush out the Dragons, not knowing if the caves were Dragon-caves or People-Caves. The Ogres, being really strong, slow-witted, ornery, Ruthless, stinky, and inclined to kill anything that moves or makes noise, killed more People than they flushed Dragons. The clever Elves taught our Cave-cestors to kill the Dragons, so as to eliminate the Giants' incentive to include Earth in their Giant Guide to Dragon-Hunting-Planets and Cold Rocks (see Pluto post). So that got rid of the Dragons, which got rid of the Giants and Ogres, and allowed us to our sophisticated interstellar-commerce interests.

Now, I know what those of you who are left-handed and eating eggs for breakfast are thinking... you're thinking, "I'll bet that's where the stories of Medieval Knights fighting Dragons comes from!" Naaah. The Dragons were all gone by the time the Knights started Knighting. The stories of Knights fighting Dragons is merely a myth, based on stories brought back to Europe from Asia by swimmers playing Marco-Polo. And they got the stories from the Asians who had passed down the stories by word of mouth, eventually leading to stories that little resemble THE TRUTH.

So, I for one, am glad the Elves kept such good records and are willing to sell those records to those of us who trade with them. Not to mention the commemorative "Moving Target" t-shirts, which are now available at The Elf Ink Emporium, and are exactly like the ones the Elves got the Ogres to wear so long ago. Happy Hunting!

Ads, Sidebars, and Games...

2006-09-02T16:33:00.000-05:00

Mea Culpa, I liked making by blog's page look busy by adding banner ads, both at the bottom, and on the side. Plus, I learned that being an "affiliate" meant I could earn some money from commissions on sales... and you can really get-rich-quick, according to the affiliates' marketing blurbs.

Well, I've posted some, and taken them down, posted some more, and taken them down... 'cause I learned that they were using pop up/under ads, or were misleading. So, I'm pretty sure the ads I have up now are honest and straight-forward, but if you think otherwise, please comment and tell me what the problem is.

Now, I love the little flag game on the side over there, but I have to admit, I can't remember many flags... so right below the game, I've added a link to a list of national flags. Cheating? How can be cheating... It's helping us learn, right??

And no, I haven't figured out how to use the Chatterbox, but I'll get around to it...

When you let Ogres drive your space ship:

2006-08-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

No worries, the two bloggers in the picture can handle this.

But it does remind me of an Army recruitment billboard I saw years ago... There were three adventurous-looking soldiers on parachutes in mid-air, with the caption, "This is the Army!" I thought, "I know recruiting is down, but I thought we had more than 3 guys!!"

This cartoon is also exhibited here with the kind permission of the talented and gracious Mark Irish ("Mr. Irish").

And the winner is:

2006-08-29T17:48:00.000-05:00

I've been having fun playing around with all the little blogging widgets, but I've been slow to add permanent links other than my own, 'cause I don't want to end up with a list a mile long. So, I'm picky/persnickity/choosy/hard-to-please/dense.

But, I've decided that my first permanent link has to be awarded to: That Blogging Wheelchair, authorified by a blogger extraordinaire, who doesn't let her Quadriplagerism "stand" in the way of her keen sense of humor. Congratulations, Ruth Harrigan!!

I have a lot of physical problems myself, Ruth, but they're dwarfed by my mental ones.

Why we don't see more space-aliens on Earth:

2006-08-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

This cartoon is exhibited here with the kind permission of the gracious Mark Irish ("Mr. Irish").

Your-Ad-Here thingies

2006-08-29T02:15:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I do not know any way for you to get rich quick. If I knew a way for someone to get rich quick, I'd be too busy doing it to tell you about it.

However, I do know how you can have fun spoofing get-rich-quick mentality: Elf Ink's "Your Ad Here" series of T-shirts, hats, clocks, buttons, aprons, mugs, mousepads, underwear, sweatshirts, etc. (And yes, this helps me get "rich" a couple of bucks at a time.)

All the other designs at Elf Ink let you advertise yourself -- your skills (if any), your sense of humor (if any), or just to be the center of attention. But this "Your Ad Here" gear lets you advertise to let others advertise on you and your stuff. You should be able to retire in no time! (Meaning, at "no time" will you be able to retire based on using this gear.)

So, we has four "Your Ad Here" designs for all-a youse:

"Your Ad Here"
"Your Ad Here (Discounts for Payments in Beer & Pizza)"
"Your Ad Here (Discounts for Good-Looking Women)"
"Your Ad Here (Discounts for Good-Looking Men)"

So get busy and order today, so you can: Make money! Get Rich! Attract the opposite Sex! Or at least draw a few laughs and smiles from those around you, by advertising advertising-space on your Elf Ink clothes & thingamajigs!

Elvish Names

2006-08-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

Alert Blogger & Greader* Ma Titwonky brought up the importance of us human-type people having our names translated to Elvish, and lamented that she couldn't find the Elvish name generator/translator she used in the past.

Well, Ma, ya came to the right Blog. There are actually lots of Elvish name translators on the Web (not to be confused with Elvis name translators), but only one of them is actually sponsored by The Intergalactic Union of Elves, and that's the one coded up by Chris Wetherell, Google User Interface Engineer.

Would you believe Chris' engine has over 4.692^32 trillion lines of complex code that carefully evaluates every nuance of every Elvish word from every current and long-demised dialects? Translating 'Ma Titwonky' results in "Ireth Arnatuilë", but you might want to try the engine with other options such as middle name instead of first or last name, or a pen name (e.g. Bic or Papermate).

Your Blog Pal,
Findecáno Singollo (John Lambert)

*Blog comes from Web Log, so I figure Greader comes from Blog Reader. And every Elf I've discussed this with agrees with me.

Pluto For Sale: Once In Many Lifetimes Offer!

2006-08-24T17:57:00.000-05:00

The Elves tried to tell us, but did our astronomers pay attention? Nooo, they don't believe in Elves.

So, here we are with inter-galactic egg on our faces again, forced to de-planetify (don't know why that's not in my spell checker...) a tiny cold rock orbiting Sol way out past Neptune and before you get to the Kuiper Belt.

Naturally, this has caused Wall Street to dump shares of all the companies that depended on Pluto being designated as a planet, which in turn, leads Elf Ink to offer:

The T-Shirt Sale of the Era!

That's right, folks, NASA is going to auction off the former planet of Pluto, and Elf Ink is offering these exclusive commemorative T-Shirts, hats, mugs, underwear (yeah, why not?), pillows, and all our usual unusual goods. Here's an example of a Framed Tile (coaster):

So order now from our Plucky Plethora of Pluto Playthings, before it's too late!

The Myth of the Myth of Elves

2006-08-23T19:02:00.000-05:00

Okay, everyone knows that Elves are mythical creatures from German folklore, right?

Nah, that's a myth. That's right, the myth of Elves, is itself a myth, because there really are creatures that the myth is based on, even though most folks don't believe they ever existed. Are there still Elves? What are they really? Where do they come?

Well, they're short, beautiful creatures, male and female, and they appear humanoid in shape, just like in the "fairy tales." Except Elves are really galaxy-traveling traders. Earth has a rich history of Intergalactic stop-overs, and Elves have come and gone more often than the other types of Milky Way inhabitants.

Now, I know what 11.3% of you are thinking right now... and no, you can't get hooked up with them, because Elf Ink has an exclusive contract with the Elf Guild for Earth sales (except for one loophole, that I'm not going to tell you about, except perhaps when Elf Ink gets ready to do an IPO).

So, I'm the Chief Elf of Elf Ink... does that mean I'm claiming extra-terrestrial origin? Nah, it's just an honorary title given to me by the Elves that supply our designs and products. Oh, and CafePress? That's just a cover, of course, devised by the same folks who manage Area 51 and other facilities you know nothing about. CafePress does exist, and they really do allow folks such as yourself to post designs, and they print the items that get shipped from their office. But the special supply of ink used to print Elf Ink designs are only used on Elf Ink products.

Which leads me to this Notice: Elf Ink guarantees that all Elf Ink products have radiation levels well within tolerance for everyday wear by humans, as long as you are on or near the surface of the Earth. In the event you turn green and become very short while wearing our gear, we'll gladly refund one tenth of two percent of the shipping charges you paid, pro-rated for usage, with no adjustments for inflation. If you wear our items outside the suppressive magnetic flux of Earth, then these warranties do not apply.

Put your Blog's name on T-shirts for Free!

2006-08-20T19:12:00.000-05:00

You can promote your Blog by putting your Blog's name on dozens of items such as:

T-shirts, hats, mugs, underwear, pillows, teddy-bears, clocks, magnets, post-cards, and much more, all for free! Not only is it a great way to promote your Blog, you may also earn a few bucks.

Here's how it works: You create a graphic design and upload it to your account at CafePress.com, and then associate each design with a set of products. When a customer orders one, CafePress screen-prints the item just for that customer, so there's no wasted inventory. CafePress sets a base price for every item, and you set your retail price. For example, the base price of a black t-shirt is $18.99, so if you set your price at $21.99, you'll earn $3 for each one that sells. And the best part is that CafePress takes care of all the real work: credit card processing, order handling, customer support, dealing with returns (under the 30 day satisfaction guarantee!), etc.

How much does it cost? More good news... There's an option that lets you have your own store totally free. There's also a $60/year option, but I recommend you start with the free option for your blog. You can have as many free "stores" as you want, but each one is limited to one of each product they sell. For example, you can only have one black t-shirt per free store. The $60/yr premium store gives you unlimited product/design combinations, and gives you extra control over things such as layout.

Need help creating a graphic for your Blog? Just post a comment to this post, and I'll take a crack at creating one for you. (I may have to stop this offer if I get too many requests... I don't have a whole lot of spare time.) Or, just go to Cool Text and use their free cool tool.

If you want to says thanks: If you appreciate my telling you about this opportunity, you can help me out, and it won't cost you a dime: When you sign up to open your CafePress account, please put "ElfInk" in the referral box (see image below). That way I'll get a small commission of your first year's sales, but it comes out of CafePress's money, not yours! Here's the link to get started:
Open a Free CafePress Store!

What is Elf Ink?

2006-08-20T18:06:00.000-05:00

Well, Elf Ink is my hobby, and your chance to find some unusual t-shirts, hats, mugs, underwear, pillows, teddy-bears, clocks, magnets, post-cards, and stuff-like-that-there. It's also an example of a great way for you to promote your own Blog, and possibly earn a few bucks.

It's a great concept, and they now have millions of designs/products, so you can really find items that none of your friends will have. And there are so many designs, you can find something that really represents your personal attitude, skills, interests, etc. I have over 1,000 different items for sale at Elf Ink, and I've only being playing around with it in my spare time since December. I've earned just over $250 bucks so far, but it appears to be picking up steam. And it turns out this is a great way to express my sense of humor (because I don't have to listen to my co-workers groans).

I'll be using this Blog to describe my success and failures in this biz, and proudly show off my latest ideas. The "No Speed Limit" T-shirt sample up there is my latest design, but it's not my favorite. Try perusing all the designs I've posted so far to get an idea of my sense of humor, and see if you can guess which design is my favorite.

And tomorrow I'll post an entry on how you can put promote your blog for free, by selling T-shirts and the other gear all with your name on them. Really, all it costs is a little time -- no money, no kidding!