Elissa Rachael

running again...

2012-01-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

someone emailed me yesterday asking for my advice regarding running her first half marathon. i was so honored/embarrassed because i feel like such a newbie myself. two year anniversary this month... yesss i did run my first half six short weeks after i started running... but that's just because i was running... running from every bad thing in my life falling down around me... one week before i laced my running shoes for the first time i had blood work done for my declining health. I was debilitated by my anxiety. My thyroid levels were out of control. I had anemia, loss of appetite, and couldn't sleep. I was winded by climbing my stairs. i was so very tired. so i ran... my first full marathon was 5 months later... i was running from my situation... and it took me there, to that day; June 6th 2010. the power i took back from that experience was life changing. if i could do that, then i could do anything. i could take care of myself and my kids and make a way for us.

it's such an emotionally connected thing for me. it's not the mileage, or the pace, or the actual day of the race. it's every day that took me there. every day that takes me there now. it's every hard choice that makes me a better runner. it's what i eat. it's what time i go to bed. it's that dark, cold, morning vs that cozy bed. it's running through the aches, and discomfort and realizing that i just made it up that hill for the first time without stopping. it's realizing that this was easier this time than it was before. it's realizing that i'm feeling better; getting faster. it's every choice along this road that makes me a better mother; a better friend; a better partner-student-sister-daughter... and a better runner...

so the SLO marathon is happening April 22nd. it's the first one San Luis has ever had. do it. do the half. do the 5k. do what you can. it's hard, but it will make you better. doing what's hard generally does.

also, watch "the spirit of the marathon" on netfix instant streaming because wow... it's great...

Random

2012-01-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

Due to circumstances absolutely within my control there have been a few misunderstandings regarding my "atheist rant" in a previous blog. I would like to go on record that this blog absolutely in no way coorolated to my childhood, or Apple Creek, or my sweet mother. Any connection you may have seen was incorrect. It was written regarding very current issues in my life. For those that don't know what the hell I'm talking about it doesn't matter. I didn't celebrate Holloween or Christmas growing up but certainly had a great time on those holidays anyway, and completely respect people that choose to abstain from participating in them. I have no judgement for people's choices regarding the matter and would appreciate the same spirit of acceptance from others.

my guy

2011-12-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

it would have been so much easier for you to let me go... and you didn't... and i'm thankful... thanks for sticking through all this time... i love you... looking forward to whats next...

wanting to be an atheist

2011-10-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

it's annoying that christians make an issue about halloween, but i don't really wanna write about halloween. it's also annoying that christians think christmas is about jesus and his birthday, but i don't want to talk about christmas either.

christians make specific issues their poster children for feeling better about being horrible. now i realized that everyone has horribleness, but the deceit and hypocrisy that is used to cover it is what gets to me. it's awful.

most of the horrible things that people have done to each other throughout history have been done in the name of religion. the bad things that people have and continue to do to me are done in the name of jesus. i personally think jesus would hate that. i personally think jesus would dress up like a vampire and celebrate halloween. however whether he would or wouldn't isn't the issue. christians and their perspectives about halloween are minute compared to their fucked up marriages, horrible parenting, mis-money management, sexual addictions, and every other issue they have. now i'm not saying that other people don't have these issues as well, but christians (along with other people of different religions), cover and hide them. Christians pretend not to have these problems because they have jesus, or christianity, or whatever religion has made them better. No one wants to admit that they are just as fucked up as the next guy.

yes, i'll be abusive to children, i'll drink too much, i'll falsely destroy the reputation of others, i'll hurt the people who have loved me, i will lie to get ahead, i will endanger others, but i WILL NOT put on a costume and say "trick or treat". it's stupid.

how about we be good people. how about we treat others well. let's believe in beauty. let's protect each other. let's protect ourselves. let's defer and sacrifice and hold ourselves to a standard of love. how about we not set up artificial rules for everyone to follow based on our own definitions of truth. believe what you will. believe it with your whole heart. do right by yourself with what you believe. do right by your children and the ones you love. but don't tell me what to believe. don't tell my children what to believe.

don't hold me to a christian standard. i don't want to be a christian. i'm not proud of us... them... i want so bad to be an atheist but why would i choose to deny belief in god when he really has nothing to do with it? i believe in him. i don't believe in them. i really don't know and neither do you.

Divorced today

2011-10-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

in the spring of 2010 he left me several times. one of those times, in a rage he threw and broke this little statue that a dear friend gave us for our wedding. gwen wasn't there but at 3 years old she knew something was wrong in the home. she would ask every morning where daddy was and i distinctly remember the first morning she didn't ask me. she learned not to ask at the age of 3. as soon as he broke the little statuette i hid it so she wouldn't find it. well she found it anyway and when she saw it, she knew. she had always loved it and more than that, i think she loved the security that it represented to her. and it was broken. she was sobbing crying and i was crying as well, trying to hold myself together promising her that i would fix it. i tried to fix it. for several more months i tried to fix it and i couldn't.

there are many versions of our story that my children will hear... there is only one true story and i'm not saying i am the one that has it... but i know he doesn't...

so today was the day... i've both wished for and dreaded this day... as i sat there in front of the judge, my lawyer, his lawyer, his mother, and a bunch of strangers, i felt like i was watching myself... i felt like i was teetering between the weight and regret of these last eight years...

once again he showed his character... he was like a rabid dog... lying, refusing to listen, refusing to reason... angry angry angry... which was strange because we had come to an agreement on Thursday. but that didn't matter... it all was out the window... at the last minute he called off his tantrum and demands and gave in... perhaps he realized if the judge saw all he has done, he would lose what he has and more... maybe his lawyer talked him into it... maybe his mom... i don't know... bottom line is i got what my very last offer was and it's not great, but it's ok...

it was the perfect day to get divorced. all the reasons i cannot be married to him were right there in front of me... the judge ask... "Are you Elissa Rachael Parrish? Were you married on July 16th 2005? Do you have two children by the names of Gwendolyn and Gabriel as a result of this marriage? Do you wish for this marriage on this day October 24th to be nullified siting irreconcilable differences, claiming that there is no hope for reconciliation?" "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." ...(Pause)... And Elissa...... would you like your name back?" I was barely able to speak. The weight of the questions. The weight of the yes'. And out of my mouth came my last yes. "I want my name back". And that was it. I was divorced.

I walked out. Past all the people. Past him. Past the lawyers. Into the elevator. Down the street, into my car and then of course i cried. i cried because i married him in the first place. i cried because it is over. i cried because i felt like i wasted my young innocence on him. all those years and now all this cynicism. i cried because he is the father of my children and i can never truly get away from him. eight years i had been tied to this man and now i am not married to him. i am not responsible for him. i am not to protect him. i am my own now. the relief i feel almost feels like a weight. it is heavy, but sweet.

i will remember every detail of this day for the rest of my life. i'll remember that my feet were cold all day because i stupidly wore sandles. i'll remember that he wore the striped blue button up shirt. he has been wearing some version of that shirt since we started dating. i'll remember that the day was foggy and misty just like i like it. i'll remember that musty smell in the courtroom and the tension that suffocates everyone there. i'll remember it as the day i was free from him. i am not without my battle wounds and regrets. hell, i'm full of regrets... i am so sorry that this will be my kids' story. i hope someday they will understand. i hope their lives will be full and rich. i hope i can do whatever it takes to add to their lives what this mess has taken out of it.

STILL NOT OVER

2011-10-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

i’ve waited and waited. please be done. i’ll write when it’s over. i’d rather tell a story that has an end than tell the day to day agony. it will never be over. today hurts. why is this still happening? the emails... the accusations... the the lies... the threats... the enemies that i have accumulated that don’t even know... the enemies that once loved me... give me five minutes to explain... but they don’t... it’s a career to hate me...

you hurt my kids... yes, they are my kids... i know they are yours too but every decision you have made along the way has been for yourself... it has never been about them... it has never been about you having them... it has been about taking them away from me... you would rather other’s have them as long as i don’t... just to prove a point... just to hurt me... at their expense.

i regret the day i married you... i regret that you are their father... i spent five years protecting you... covering for you... because i loved you... because i believed that you would grow up... that it was my job to stand by you... it isn’t my job anymore... too bad you left me because if you never did i would have stood by you forever... every time you packed your shit and left you lost a piece of me... and now you have lost me forever... and because of this i will do whatever it takes to keep you from hurting my babies... i’ll never give up... i’ll never stop protecting them...

i'll never be her again.
everytime you left i died a little more...
never again...
closure is coming...

A flower through cement

2011-05-22T16:59:00.001-07:00

This week I felt so overwhelmed. I felt that the possibility of happiness was so far fetched. What could I possibly have been thinking? I made a mistake... many mistakes. How could I ever hope to be happy again after making such life altering decisions that were so disastrous? How could I justify ever being happy again?

All of it hurt. From my own childhood family falling apart along with all the split relationships, to my other AC family falling apart and all those split relationships, to my own grown up family falling apart... ...and all the split relationships...

What the hell? Why does this happen? The connection I felt to those people growing up was so real. I don't hate anyone. I think it's fair to say I still love everyone. It is so hard to describe. It was a piece of who I was; who I am. How does someone explain such closeness like I had with that family? They were more than family. I didn't know where our family ended and theirs began. Yes, there was plenty of dysfunction like any other family, but it was beautiful; amazing memories; how I loved them. How I love them.

How does this all go away? Why do we grow up? Why do people disagree and abandon this type of closeness? It happens to most people at some point or another I guess. It happens in churches and friendships and families. It will be so beautiful and the beauty of it will be so tarnished by how it ends. For the last several years I have maintained the position that I would have chosen to never have had what I had than to lose it. I have felt that way with all three of my families that I have lost. It hurts too much to accept something as a positive aspect in my life when it just ended so horribly. I'm not sure I still feel that way. The good was great. The bad was worse. Was it worth it?

Pain is everywhere; pain from the kid pushed around at home or school to the old woman who feels abandoned and alone. Hunger, death, physical suffering... it's everywhere. And somehow, beauty manages to push through. People manage to hope again. A gesture gets through. A flower pushes it's way through cement.

Here I am alive. Smarter. Better. Much more compassionate and gracious. Yes, a little more cynical but also so grateful for the moments of closeness I had. The closeness I have with those in my life now. I am so thankful for my forevers. The five women that stood beside me when I got married still have loved me thru my divorce. If divorce was a ceremony I would ask the same five to walk it with me. The two women that I ran my marathon with haven't abandoned me but have continued to be pillars in my life. They are two of the best friends anyone could ask for. I am blessed with a family who loves me; Parents and sisters/sister-inlaw that have shown me support in a million different ways. And I'm blessed by a man who loves me; who gives and gives and gives. A man who has stayed beside me over the hardest year of my life and has been steady and supportive. A man who has taken on my goals and my children as a part of his story. I'm very thankful for him and l love him very much. I'm a lucky girl. I'm pushing my way through. I think it was worth it. It was a part of my story. It has made me who I am now.

still here

2011-03-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been about eight months since I left... It's been about 11 months since he left... Seven and a half years since I said I'd be his girlfriend... Six years since I said I'd say I do and almost six since I did. And I didn't. And he didn't.

It is a sad tragic thing that has happened to my family. I'll never be the same. My children will never be the same. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry for the original decision that got me here. I'm sorry for how it ended. Mostly I'm just so sorry for my kids. When I am faced with the idea of what the rest of my life will look like, I know I can do it. I will survive and not only that, I think I will thrive. I think my children will thrive.

I hurt almost every day. But some days I don't. The days that I don't happen more and more often.

running. alone. in the dark.

2010-12-04T22:26:00.001-08:00

so yesterday i was running alone in the dark... yes i was desperate... the owl city mix on pandora is amazing and this song is on it... so there i was, running, in the rain, as fast as i could with this song blasting in my ears and tear streaming down my face... it hurts.

headway

2010-11-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

this is so weird... i miss writing but i don't know what to say... i know people read my blog... people i love and people that hate me... i know they check often to glean ammunition against me... i want them to love me... i want them to forgive me and remember who i really am and that they love me... that i love them...

i do miss some people and many aspects of my old life. i still cry a lot...

but...

i'm happy... i'm doing the very best i know how... i'm proud of the headway i've made... i'm proud of my job, my place, my car... i'm proud that i did it myself... i'm not proud of my mistakes obviously, but i know what no one else really knows about my old life and i'm proud that i did what had to be done... the ultimate decision i am proud of... what got me there, not so much, but i got there...

i never wanted to be a single mom... no one does i guess... sometimes i double take and i can't believe that this is who i am... one mistake after another led me here... and these two children are the single best mistakes of my life... i am better because of them... i always tell gwen that she gave me the best present EVER when she made me a mommy... i want so bad to give them a wonderful life and a full future... in many ways i feel that i've ruined their lives with decisions i made before they were born... but all i know is that i am doing the very best i can with what i have now. it is impossible to express how much i love them... how my heart aches for them when i don't have them... how i grieve at what my mistakes have cost them...

i'm laying in bed aching to hold my babies... missing hearing their sweet breathing... tomorrow i will get to hold them... the hardest part about all of this is missing them...

starlet

2010-10-18T18:23:00.001-07:00

it's hard to write publicly because i don't want to be dishonoring. you all will never know my side. not all of it. it's one of the reasons i've stayed away... one of the reasons i've avoided responding to all the loving gestures. i don't know what to say. it's too tempting to defend myself.

no one knows but us. not even hj completely. and no one will.

but i do have some thoughts that i've been formulating. thoughts i've gleaned from my own private writings. yes i do still write. thank you @http://thedonjon.wordpress.com/.

i've thought lately, perhaps i didn't hate my house. perhaps my grief was misplaced toward that whole other mess. maybe i hated my life in my home. maybe i was resentful about my situation and not god or ac or all the other drama i thought was the issue.

here's the thing... i'm not angry anymore. at all. it's actually a little weird how not-angry i am. when i take a step back sometimes i think that i should be a whole lot angrier. but i'm just sad. so deeply sad.

i'm not anxious anymore. part of it may be the fact that i actually feel like i have some say in my future now. i'm not stuck in the misery. i'm out.

this scene in mansfield park always struck such a chord in my heart:

"In my return back through the passage, I heard the same words repeated twice over; and, looking up, I saw it was a starling hung in a little cage. – “I can’t get out, – I can’t get out,” said the starling.

I stood looking at the bird: and to every person who came through the passage it ran fluttering to the side towards which they approach’d it, with the same lamentation of its captivity. “I can’t get out,” said the starling. – God help thee! said I, but I’ll let thee out, cost what it will; so I turned about the cage to get to the door: it was twisted and double twisted so fast with wire, there was no getting it open without pulling the cage to pieces. – I took both hands to it.

The bird flew to the place where I was attempting his deliverance, and thrusting his head through the trellis pressed his breast against it as if impatient. – I fear, poor creature! said I, I cannot set thee at liberty. – “No,” said the starling, - “I can’t get out – I can’t get out,” said the starling."

so i'm out. i'm free. but it hurts. oh so much. so very much. was it worth it? it was the only thing that could be done. if i could go back in time i would. i would change so much. and i can't. and now here i am. flying with a broken heart.

i ask someone wonderful, "how long will it hurt like this?" the answer, "it never won't hurt like this. the pain will just become normal. you will become accustomed to it." i love this answer. it is the case with true grief. it never goes away. it doesn't always feel the same because we adjust to that level of sadness. the loss of anything significant in our lives will always leave this gaping wound. it just won't always be so debilitating.

thankful

2010-10-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

thank you all you wonderful women for continuing to encourage me and love me in-spite of myself. all the notes and love you continually send me blesses my shredded heart. here's to the ones that stuck around... Mary Gaddis Weber Kati Ayers Kari Hamilton Julie Marshall Faith Rocha King Mindy Meade Bethany Sobraske Beth McDermott Bethany Diane Payton Skylana Austin Erin Pasion Biermann Heather Morrell Daniella Martinez Indie

and to my sisters who are a part of me Jessenya Molfino Lorena Washington Nikki Valentine Marks Stephanie Sharp Molfino Kelli Kimball Marks and Carly M. Johnson Celeste Sargent

and of course Holly Patrice Jantzen... the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

I am surrounded by the best... i don't deserve all of you. today i am thankful.

it's like

2010-09-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

sitting in the middle of the ocean... with no future... no past...

chasm of water. there is no way to get out of it. in desperation i have exhausted every resource and there is nothing. nothing i can do. i am lost. every possibility i turn to is a dead end.

this is pain. if i ever doubted what pain was before, now i know. it hurts. it aches. i have scrambled, i have coerced, i have clawed my way to try to get out of this pain for so long and it is all on top of me like a thousand pounds. and it now it covers me. i am submerged within it. i'm sinking in this pain. i am so deeply sad. and there is not one choice i could make to fix it. to fix it for me. for my family. for my sweet babies.

i have struggled with the desire to defend myself. if someone would just hear me... if they would know all the things no one told them.. if they saw the real, entire picture, maybe they wouldn't hate me. maybe they would still love me. maybe they wouldn't judge me. why won't you talk to me??! why won't you ask me what happened instead of hate me for something you know nothing about?

but i have held back. I have restrained the desire to defend and shed light on what would be dishonoring to someone else.

every night i fall asleep without my family and every night it hurts worse.

thank you again regina spektor "on the radio"

2010-07-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

this is how it works

you’re young until you’re not
you love until you don’t
you try until you cant
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breath until their dying breath

this is how it works

you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walkin arm in arm
you hope it doesn’t get hard
but even if it does
you’ll do it all again

free to go but not going

2010-07-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

i have made a decision for no one else. no one is waiting for me. i am completely alone. free to go but not going.

how else will i become who i am? how else will i know what i believe? how else can i truly love someone until i can be ok without them?

i have done damage. i am damaged. broken. i am not proud of the decisions i have made and the way that this has all unfolded. right and wrong have been shady and confusing to me. my timing has all been off. my reality has adjusted daily... hourly.

today i have made a decision that i know is right. all along the decisions i made were either made because of what i wanted or because of what someone else wanted. i didn't make right decisions because i really didn't know what right was. i haven't believed what i was told. i resisted what i was told.

but i wasn't told this. i know this is right.

i am alone and it is a choice. and i'm happy with it. i am not happy, but i'm happy with the choice.

apparently

2010-07-22T21:54:00.001-07:00

apparently i don't know how to block comments... oh well... thanks for all your thoughts...

readers

2010-07-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

because so many of the people i love have such vastly different opinions and i don't wish to cause dissension with anyone, i am removing the comment feature for this specific post. this is a sensitive subject and doesn't just involve me. After discussing it with josh i will let him correct the apparent misunderstandings that have taken place if chooses to.

if anyone cares to hear what is going on in my life feel free to contact me. it shows me that you care enough to have an open mind apart from what you may have heard or what you may think is going on based on appearances. if not, i completely understand. no one owes me anything.

and then i was one

2010-07-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

love isn't enough...

i wish i had a fix for myself that wasn't so dangerous. what is it that compels me?

and now... the thought of being alone... yes, it is empowering. i can feel all of my muted thoughts float to the surface of my mind instead of down where i pushed them so many times. it is exciting and terrifying. i feel as though i am at the cusp of what the rest of my life will look like. from this minute on i have decisions and will carve the rest of my future and the future of my sweet children. the stakes are higher now. the risks are riskier. i can feel the weight of this choice and what it means. all the possibilities... all the outcomes... what will it look like?

i married a wonderful man. i am proud that he is the father of my children. i am proud that we will continue to raise them together. i don't know what the end result of this separation will be... i would be honored to be a partner with him one day again. if we cannot then i am thankful for every minute i have had with him... even the hard ones because they made me better.

stuff

2010-07-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

no seriously... about the jail thing, it makes me sick what people think constitutes "victimization". pathetic.

i haven't written for a while. well that's not true i guess. i have written a lot but you all haven't gotten to see it. so here's the shpeel... i'm not really gonna talk about detailed stuff on here... i'm just not ready... but here's a few thoughts anyways...

i've been struggling for years with what i believe. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and life never lets up long enough for me to settle into anything solid for myself. i've known that i can't stay here forever. i fucking HATE limbo. it sucks.

however what i have been through hasn't been a complete waste because i have learned so much in last three years. even more in the last three weeks. this is what i have learned:

no matter how hard i try to change myself, i can't change everything...
no matter how hard i try to change someone else, i can't change anything...
everything i'm positive will work, might not...

EVERY SINGLE judgement that i have carried against someone in my life i have now struggled with myself. it has changed me. everything i thought i would never do and everything i thought i would never be, i have become. i have cast a lot of stones over the years and to those who were recipients, i am truly sorry.

my hope is that i will never EVER judge what someone does or their intentions again. i know now that things are not always as they appear and what looks so wrong and awful to everyone else may be the best thing. we never know what is really going on.

thanks to all you that love me. to everyone else, i don't know why you are on here, but thanks for reading.

and p.s. joshua parrish i love you.

26.2

2010-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Stealing from my fb comment because I really really mean it...

"I am a better person because of these two women. Thank you for helping me change my life; for pushing to keep going and for talking me through the decisions that brought me to yesterday. Even more for talking me through the decisions that brought me to today. Two very different days both equally hard, but both possible because of you. I will never be the same because of your positive influence on my life. I love you both from the bottom of my heart."

There is a whole lot more to stay about the marathon and about other stuff but I don't have the strength to write about the marathon and I don't think I'm ready or even sure if I want to share about the other stuff, so that's all you get for now... Thanks to all you friends and family for the well wishes and for caring about this milestone in my life.

wrote this 6 yrs ago... applies more today... except the last part should say "sometimes i know it won't".

2010-06-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

I will survive. All alone with nothing but a steady pulse.
It was there all the time...

I drowned it out and welcomed flattery.
I listened to hollow words rather than that quiet stirring.
I followed faces I could touch and not the one I could only sense.
And all the while the pulse got quieter, the din grew louder and I didn't even realize I had sold the rare and priceless for what was cheap and easy.
The hard earned for what could immediately be attained. The best for the good. My birthright for a bowl of soup.

The pulse is not as strong as it once was. It's not as loud; not as vibrant; not as clear. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be. Sometimes I know it will...

here's the thing

2010-04-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

i've had some time to myself lately. it's been nice. ummmm let me put this differently. it has been one of the single best times of my life. i have been deeeeeeply relaxed. but here's the thing. i have been learning a few things about myself.

i have an anxiety problem. i knew that. you all knew that. DUH. but here i have been, in a coma of relaxation but still experiencing a small level anxiety about the stupidest things. so i've had time to analyze my thought processes and try to dissect why this is happening.

i get up and want to get showered and dressed so i can get my errands done. i try to quickly get through my errands. i try to get all the housework done. i do a wash even though it's not quite a full load because i want to get it done and then i won't have to do it later. i do mother's day shopping so it can be done and out of the way even though it would be nice to do it with my family. i don't enjoy any of this. i'm trying to just get it done.

so i have time to think. why? why am i trying to get it done? what is it i am trying to get this stuff done for? what would i rather be doing? is it so i can sit and watch my show? is it so i can read or take a bath? nope. because when i take a bath or read i'm just trying to get it done so i can just relax. but i never relax. not usually. even when i'm relaxing i'm making lists. thinking through how i can best get stuff done. how ridiculous. i can never get everything done!

i've never really allowed myself to process through all of this. i'm glad i did because i see how this affects my family. my husband feels like he is just a number on my list. my kids feel like i just can't wait to get them to bed. no one feels treasured. i do treasure them but i have such a hard time resting and living in the moment.

i want to stop being efficient. i want to stop making lists. i want to stop looking forward to the future nothings and start living in the present; regardless of how medial it is. i want more than anything for my husband and kids to feel loved and treasured by me. i love and treasure them more than anything in the world.

we're all in this together

2010-04-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

it's been a lot of years since i've done serious traveling; the kind of traveling that changes a person; the kind that opens up the world, and unleashes perspective. sometimes it's easy to forget. sometimes when i'm so sad or so stressed or so exhausted with the minor difficulties in my own little life i forget. I forget what real suffering looks like. I forget what really matters.

this is my last entry from overseas 6/24/2004
"India passes before me. Here I sit all alone on a train traveling home. Am I going home or leaving it? I'm not so sure anymore. The little curtain that is keeping out the dozens of Indian stares keeps blowing open every time someone walks by. There are certain things I never want to forget. For instance, the endearing 'chai guy' who deems it his duty to announce what he sells at an ear-splitting volume both day and night at 10 minute intervals. No I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget how good an air conditioning feels in 120 degree weather. I don't want to forget what a blessing filtered water is. I don't want to forget beautiful sunsets or the power of monsoon rains. I could forget sickness like I've never experienced, no privacy, millions of stares, and being followed daily. But no, it will all stay with me because I will remind myself. I will make myself remember.
The sky is beautiful. I think God pays special attention and reveals more of his beauty in the Indian sky because it is lacking everywhere else. As I sit here looking at it, I know I am so blessed. I'm blessed to have seen this sky and the filth under it. I know what really matters. I'm a changed person and not because of India but because of Jesus. Oh may I never forget! May nothing ever keep me from living; from truly living. I have my entire life ahead of me. I don't know what it looks like and it doesn't matter. I know now what really matters."

thank you http://williaminpismo.blogspot.com/

gross

2010-04-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

i love this picture. i don't want to take away from the power behind it with my own words but i don't want my own words to be misinterpreted because i don't say them. i believe jesus is the way. jesus isn't my issue; it's people. whether i believe he is the only way doesn't mean i can dictate to others what they should believe and why MY interpretation of MY belief is correct.

many christians are just as morally depraved as people from every other religion that uses it's own belief system to manipulate and control people. there is absolutely no difference to me and i don't think there is to god either. gross.

i am so disgusted with some specific christians right now. when i was in india i was so disgusted with hindus for the exact same reason. christians and hindus and the rest of them, are people who have the potential for incredible selfishness, coercion, and evil. it is just awful what people do to each other.

there is nothing worse than when 'god,' (a version of god), is used to get what someone wants out of fearful, impressionable, and weak people. i feel myself shy away from their interpretation of scripture, and "words" that people have, because all of this is a PERSONAL BELIEF! scripture can be whatever you want it to mean and just because you can argue better than someone who is weaker doesn't mean you're right! gross. gross. gross.

b's

2010-04-06T07:14:00.001-07:00

this post is for the two b's in my life. i am so thankful for you two. i crashed in on your parade and you never made me feel like the third wheel. you put up with my whining, and my speeding, my ranting, and have just loved me. you've called me to check up on me when i sounded 'not quite right'. you learned what 'not quite right' sounds like. there really couldn't be three more different people and yet for that reason, this little clan is a success. bethany, you take care of us and make sure we stay on track. it's so nice to trust you enough to lean on everything you've learned. but more than that, i'm blown away by your encouragement. it works! beth, your honesty is so refreshing. you are so real and transparent and it makes me feel like anything is possible. you are seriously inspirational to me. you give me hope for myself in more ways than running. the way we work together, defer to each other, and rally each other is such a beautiful thing. i don't think it's typical and i'm so thankful for it.

i love you girls.