elizabeth lyons

Indicator of Too Much TV for Kids

Elizabeth — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 16:08:49 +0000

A few days ago, Grace unearthed from the cluttered game cabinet a card game I purchased at Barnes & Noble’s most recent after-holiday 75% off sale. The plastic wrap which still enveloped the game in its short-lived no-pieces-missing state served as a not-so-gentle reminder that the kids weren’t nearly as excited about my find as I was.

The game is called PDQ (Pretty Darn Quick), and it’s either a barrel of monkeys or a gargantuan nightmare depending on which side of the bed everyone woke up on that day.

The way it works is, 3 cards are flipped over, each displaying one letter. The first person who can shout out a word which contains these 3 letters — IN the order in which they lie, forward or backward — wins that round.

The following letters were revealed in Round 4:

A N V

I immediately thought, “Anvil!”

But the thought and the expression of the thought didn’t occur in quick enough succession.

Because George, who’s all of 6 and only recently learned to spell “cat,” shouted out, “Antonio Restivo!” just as I inhaled in preparation to deliver my solution.

He then fist pumped twice. Yes, we’re a competitive bunch.

And, clearly, we watch a bit too much America’s Got Talent.

***

What’s your favorite family game as of late? Do share because I don’t have the energy for another 3-hour round of Monopoly today!

Changing Kids’ Names

Elizabeth — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:02:12 +0000

Grace Katherine. It’s a lovely name, don’t you think?

The owner of that name, otherwise known as the-slightly-crazed-almost-11-year-old of the house does not.

The kid’s never had a problem with her name — not until 2 months ago when she suddenly informed us that she wanted to be called Zelby.

Um, no.

Today, however, we’re having identity crisis #6 of the season, and she’s informed me that she wants to be called Alex. Which, in my stupidity — having only done two espresso shots instead of the usual 8 — I informed her was one of the names we initially considered for her.

FYI for those unsuspecting folks who may see us out and about today, she’s only answering to “Alex.” But I suppose it’s better than Zelby.

***

Have any of your kids ever requested to change their name? Or only answered to something other than their legal moniker? Do tell. I beg of you.

How to Write a Book: 5 Unique Tips

Elizabeth — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:06:22 +0000

I receive a lot (a lot) of questions about exactly how one goes about writing a book.

Having been the unfortunate recipient of many years’ worth of various “musts,” “must nots,” “shoulds,” and the like when it comes to writing books (or scripts, or blogs, or a thesis!), I thought I’d provide a few unique tips for those of you who, like myself, aren’t exactly rule followers.

Here are The 5 Strategies for Writing a Book that You’ve (Likely) Never Heard Of.

*Photo courtesy of MJacqueline

The Sweetest Mom

Elizabeth — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 21:24:21 +0000

A few weeks ago, I saw a clip on Good Morning Arizona about an oasis in this here desert called Sweeties in AZ. Apparently, this little gem is the second largest candy store in the U.S., and it carries quite a bit of retro candy.

Did I think twice about the idea of taking my 5 children there?

Yes, I did.

And then I did it anyway.

So that when 3:00 rolls around, and they begin complaining about boredom and the notion that we never do anything fun — even though we just spent the morning at the second largest candy store in the U.S. — I can remind them that we just spent the morning at the second largest candy store in the U.S.

“Let’s go guys!” I enthusiastically encouraged as they trudged down the stairs this morning.

Naturally, they wondered two things: Where? and Why?

“It’s a surprise. Just eat, get dressed, brush your teeth, and let’s go.”

“Mom, I am NOT going to Target,” whined Henry.

“And the drive-thru bank isn’t as fun as it used to be,” announced Jack.

“Well, I still like it,” countered George.

“We’re going neither of those places,” I reassured them. “This is for you, not me.”

Henry perked up.

“OH MOM, ARE WE GOING TO IKEA?” he asked hopefully.

No.

“Oh great,” lamented Jack, “Are we going on Good Morning Arizona?”

What? No.

We drove (and drove…and drove) for a bit over an hour until we reached our destination. I advised the kids to look out the left side of the car to see the surprise destination.

“Do you mean to tell me you drove us ALL THIS WAY to go to a WELLS FARGO BANK?” asked Jack, totally disgusted.

I didn’t realize that the bank was hiding their view of the candy store.

Henry’s first words upon seeing what was just behind Wells Fargo: “OH MY LORD THIS IS WHERE WILLY WONKA LIVES!”

Needless to say, the trip was a real hit. To be clear, however, I don’t ever want to hear the following 3 words again: “Can I get…”

I did lose myself for a few moments in the aisle with fun nostalgic candy such as Nerds, Mary Janes, and Sugar Daddys, but was swiftly brought back to reality by a 5-year-old who was literally hanging off of my arm and begging, “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase can I get this ginormous jawbreaker? Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase?”

You’d think he’d already inhaled half the store.

So, the cost of gas? $10. The cost of 7 boxes of Mike & Ike’s, Gobstoppers, Nerds, Bazooka gum (the kind with the cartoon inside which George accidentally tore upon opening it, resulting in a 6-minute meltdown), 3 Lindt truffles, 2 packs of Airhead Whistle Pops, and some interesting Pez dispensers? $19.

The following: priceless.

“You’re the best mom in the entire world,” praised Henry, as we exited the parking lot.

“Yeah, Mom,” agreed George. “In fact, I want YOU to put me to bed tonight!”

Well what an honor. But after that it’s just me, my comfy PJs, America’s Got Talent, and a package of old-fashioned whistle pops.

***

What candy do you most remember enjoying in your youth? (And please don’t tell me it was those wax mustaches or the liquid in the bottles. Those were both just gross.)

The Reality of the Hair Cut

Elizabeth — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 20:35:29 +0000

Those who’ve read Rule 7 of You Cannot Be Serious won’t be surprised by the story I’m about to tell.

It’s been, like, 9 months since I last got my haircut, and it’s time. It’s past time, in fact.

Unfortunately, The Guru had nothing available but a noon slot today which, as all mothers know, is the most inopportune hour during which to be forced to take 5 children anywhere, let alone somewhere they are expected to sit patiently (and quietly) for more than 2.4 minutes.

Grace and Jack opted to stay with my friend Erin, but when George and Henry learned that such an opportunity did not come with a bounce house in the backyard or hot fudge sundaes the size of Alaska, they declined.

Intent on being entertained, George had the bright idea to take Battleship with us. I didn’t that was the best choice, which was confirmed when the game dropped, scattering 220 kadrillion (yes, that’s a number) pieces across the sidewalk before we even managed to make it inside. Neither Henry nor George appreciated my “told you so” eye roll.

Having barely checked in, Nina sat on my lap like the angel that she is, while Henry took the immediate opportunity to loudly inquire, whilst pointing, “MOM! DO YOU SEE THAT WOMAN OVER THERE WITH THE WHITE HAIR?”

“Henry, can we not shout? Or point?”

“Well, she was our librarian!”

Super.

“I wonder if she got fired or something,” he wondered aloud.

A few minutes later, I enthusiastically approached the shampoo bowl, an experience I usually enjoy because, while those in the hair salon industry have somehow still not invented a comfortable shampoo bowl, the fact of the matter is that you can’t really hear anything while your head’s in it. It’s as close as I’m getting to a vacation, and I take advantage of every second.

Apparently, a vacation compliments of the shampoo bowl is not to be when Henry’s along for the ride. I tried to pretend I didn’t recognize the voice bellowing from the other side of the shop.

“George, THAT is I-10,” Henry screamed in frustration. “And THIS is C-4. It’s a LITTLE bit different!”

Lesson Learned: Next time, Battleship may not go along for the ride.

Well Good Morning, Texas!

Elizabeth — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 23:36:37 +0000

I was thrilled to have an opportunity to guest blog for the Dallas Morning News Moms Blog this past week in anticipation of my book signing at Legacy Books in Plano and appearance on Good Morning Texas with the wonderful Amy Vanderoef!

***

Attention all moms parenting young children: Remember, if you will, the last time you thought, “I am going to Lose. My. Mind.” And let me be clear: that thought hasn’t manifested in my world for a very long time.

At least 7 minutes.

Kids’ Birthday Cakes

Elizabeth — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 20:41:41 +0000

“George, what kind of cake would you like for your birthday this year?” I asked, since the big day is just 5 days away (and I would know, as he’s been counting down for the past 360). “Do you want a cake? Or cupcakes?”

“Or pie,” he clarified.

“You want a pie?”

“No, but that’s another idea.”

Right.

“Okay – so cake or cupcakes?”

(George is gluten-free so I have to make the cake from scratch. Please keep that in mind while I tell the rest of this tale.)

“Ummmmmmmmmmmm….cake.”

“Great. And what sort of cake decoration do you want? Like Star Wars or Transformers or — ”

“Well, I know that I DON’T want SpongeBob.”

Well, thank God for that.

“I think I’ll have Transformers.”

“Wonderful, George, I’ll get some Transformers — ”

” — the part,” he interrupted, “where you have a bad Transformer who does a backward flip and turns into a jet. OR, if that’s too hard, the part where the scorpion comes out and they say ‘Bring the rain,’ and it goes boom boom boom boom.”

It’s never easy around here. Not only do I have to construct a Transformers cake from scratch, I also have to recreate a particular scene.

But the fact that he then looked down at his Leapster and smiled the happiest smile of his nearly 6 years before gushing, “This is going to be the best birthday ever” pretty well convinced me that I’m going to have to learn how to depict “bring the rain” on a cake.

***

Any suggestions?

They Grow Up So Fast

Elizabeth — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 20:31:20 +0000

Anyone who’s raised twin boys knows that when they are between the ages of 1 and 3, a period of silence lasting more than 13 seconds (when you don’t know FOR SURE that they’re asleep…IN their cribs) is not a gift for which you should give thanks.

It’s a warning sign.

Because nothing good is happening when twin 2-year-old boys are simultaneously quiet for a long stretch of time (and, again, by “long stretch,” I mean more than 13 seconds).

Frankly, this phenomenon doesn’t seem to change much as they age.

Case in point, the other day it was suddenly very quiet around here. Henry and George, who are 8 and 5 respectively, were playing Playstation 3 (without fighting, which most surely indicated that one of them was coming down with something), and I hadn’t seen Jack (who is Henry’s twin) in a while.

“Does anyone know where Jack is?” I asked.

“He’s upstairs,” answered Henry.

“Doing what?”

Jack is, in many ways, a 28-year-old in an 8-year-old’s body, so it didn’t shock me too terribly much when Henry replied, “He’s shaving.”

Calling Captain Underpants…Literally

Elizabeth — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 23:37:34 +0000

A few weeks ago, I was in Target (alone, which means I was there for 6, maybe 7, hours), and I ventured into the book section. I thought it might be good to get Henry a book to read in the car, as we were planning to head out on vacation the following Saturday, and it typically takes Henry about 4.3 minutes to declare his imminent death from boredom.

I spied a few books from one of Henry’s favorite series: Captain Underpants, and one of those books specifically I didn’t think Henry had yet read. Because I’m quite sure I would have heard about it.

It’s called Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopy Pants? Now you know why I would have heard about that.

I decided to verify my suspicions before purchasing.

Not terribly wise.

David answered his cell phone whilst attempting to escort 5 kids out of the pool area from swim team practice.

I asked David to put Henry on the phone (no, I don’t know why).

“Henry,” I whispered as quietly as possible, “Have you read Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopy Pants?

“What?”

I repeated myself a tiny bit louder.

“What?” answered Henry, a tiny bit louder.

I finally thought, “Oh what the hell.”

“HENRY! HAVE YOU READ CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS AND THE PERILOUS PLOT OF PROFESSOR POOPY PANTS?” I shouted.

“Oh my gosh guys, listen to this, Mom’s wondering if I’ve read this book and you’ll never guess what it’s called and…,” he trailed off.

“Henry, are you there?” I calmly asked while being eyed suspiciously by no fewer than 8 fellow bookstore section shoppers.

“Henry?”

“Hello?”

I bought the book (and yes, I’m aware that I should have just taken that approach from the start. Lesson learned.). Sadly, he started it the morning we were to leave for our trip, and finished it just as we said, “Let’s get in the car!”

And after no more than 4.3 minutes, we were subjected to 9 hours of Henry forecasting his imminent death from boredom.

***

So, which is worse in your mind? Captain Underpants or SpongeBob?

Paging A Mom Who Isn’t Listened To

Elizabeth — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 22:11:14 +0000

Have you ever been paged over an intercom? Did you watch Kids Incorporated? And what the heck are the lyrics in this Adam Ant song? Do help me.