ELLA's Thoughts

ASK ELLA: How do you Stay Cool?

2013-06-17T14:09:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, you've really got to chill. The most difficult question to answer in life is "When?" Time is the one thing you have no control over. There is no way to speed it up, or slow it down, or pause it for a second while you... whatever. No matter what you do, time keeps moving, which means, shit's gonna happen. I've realized that people call me "reserved" but it's really that it takes a lot to make me act wild/irrational... If anything. I am Miss America at heart and want nothing but peace in my life, so I allow nothing to disturb that.

"When you have the conversation that needs to be had, you'll say everything that needs to be said," he told me. Carl speaks like a prophet sometimes and I love it. Sometimes I feel like I have this group of apostles standing behind me and that is actually the most important piece of keeping cool: Keep level headed people around you. We humans are so susceptible to peer pressure, that it seems to me a good idea to trick yourself into being better than you are (no offense). When the people around you have high expectations of you, you are more likely to try to impress them. Still, it is what they actually consider "impressive" that'll guide your actions. Carl is only impressed when I do the impossible, the almost saintly. It's not that I am a saint, but I talk all this mess about being a "good" person, that I feel like I need to prove to him that I can be. Beyond that, by doing "good" I make him proud, and that is the best feeling of all.

The pride your friends feel in your success is only second to the pride you feel for impressing them. There is nothing worse than the feeling of disappointment, of failure. Sometimes, we fail those who love us, in order to impress those we love. This is a real... high school sort of idea, where you do what your friends are doing so that you can be cool, and end up disappointing your parents or getting low grades due to your actions. What if you could be "perfect"? What if you could be the perfect friend? The perfect daughter, mother, son... lover? Is that impossible? Is perfect truly impossible or is that what people think is impossible? Sometimes, perfect is doing what people consider wrong. Perfect might be ending a relationship. Sometimes, perfect is slowing down a relationship. Sometimes, perfect is doing the exact opposite of what you want to do. Sometimes, perfect is holding yourself back... but mostly, perfect is not having to worry. Perfect is making sure that each decision you've made is one you would recommend all should follow.

"So are you married? No husband?"

"Not yet," I said through a smile. "He's out there somewhere."

"So... What? You're not ready yet?" he pressed on, his intentions still unclear.

"God isn't ready yet. That's not something I need to worry about. When he's ready. I'm ready."

Your perfect might not be the perfect someone else was looking for. Your answers might not be what the other person is looking for. I've realized that the advice people give us, is only what they know --same applies to me. I would recommend you sit with your own thoughts and decide what is write and what is wrong. What is good and what is bad. At the end of it, you need to understand in your mind what you'd like the final product to be and then act accordingly to get there. Some people might find your path unbearable, but you wouldn't be able to follow their footsteps either, so don't judge. You can't always wait for people to give you advice or to lead you. You've got to get up and jump into the ocean to prove you can swim (I've been thinking about that phrase a lot lately). You've got to measure your own steps and gain control of your own existence while allowing others to do the same for their own life journeys. If anything, the only thing you can expect to be is a role model; lead by action. That's the only way to be comfortable --to be yourself.

Grow and progress, don't change. Jay just released his teaser/commercial for his new album, Magna Carter Holy Grail" in which he tackles the ideas of how to navigate through life's trails of failures and successes while still remaining yourself. I believe the way to do that is to make that your aim from the very beginning. It has to be the point. You've got to live your life as yourself and eventually, you'll find the pieces that are meant to fit beside you. One puzzle piece might be able to fit into two puzzles, but it only goes with one puzzle --unless it's a duplicate puzzle, but it'll always end up surrounded by the same pieces no matter what you do. Otherwise, it's just plain wrong.

The key is to never worry. As you continue with life, some options will simply nix themselves. By a process of elimination, you'll end up knowing exactly where you fit. The world is huge, but once you narrow down where you think you fit, you'll find where you know you fit, and it'll be easy. You don't have to force yourself to do anything. You should never have to stress. Granted, you will feel uncomfortable form time-to-time, but that's only because there is only one you --your steps will never have been made before. I'm scared all the time, I just ignore it. Fear is a human thing, so I find it offensive when it deters my spirit from doing what I want to (or should) do. Most of what I do is in having more confidence in myself than I really have. Even when I feel like I might mess up, or I might be judged, I still force myself to participate in the world. Even when I want to force the world to go the way I know it should be, I allow it space to become what it needs to be. For example, there is a video below of myself at The REAL Open Mic from November 2012, which I just found today. I might have heard 15 seconds of it (I glanced at the screen once) because I can't help but to judge myself by the world's standards (and my face looks fat -___-) . Frankly, I know I'm already better than the video below (and that my physical shouldn't have an effect on the words) but I had to have been willing to put myself out there in November so I that I could grow into who I am today. Sometimes, when I know I'm not ready, I throw myself in anyway. As long as you plan on getting better... as long as your end goal is better than what it is now, you're pretty groovy. Better yet, you've got to accept who you were. Love who you were... because that's exactly who you are. Everyone starts out an amateur. This is life: There's no rules to this shit.

ASK ELLA: Do you Believe in Destiny?

2013-05-30T16:17:00.002-04:00

I have no qualms against mediocre shit, it provides something for me to be measured against. The only concern arises is when mediocre is the best it gets. "What do you do?" is the question I'm asked most; if I can't sing a song to answer the question, I usually respond, "I write." If it has anything to do with words, I does that. Not only that, I do it beyond how I'm expected to. Better than that, I never cease to be myself. The way most people end up being mediocre is when they compare themselves against a standard: Most of the time you end up being a bad replica of something that already exists & no one really likes a copy. We need more original shit. Humans are each unique individuals; If I know anything for sure, it's that you were meant to be you.

If you're afraid to do something, you should probably go for it. " Everyone has this label for me," she'd said. My cousin, Pamela, and I rarely get together, but when we do, we're what life is about. "If someone's not doing something, it's because they don't want to, so we have to figure out what the real issue is," I had told my mom. Over the past couple of months, I've met many folks who want to tell me how to run my business and how to work with my partners. "I've got it," is the only way I can respond. You see, if I want to grant the ladies I work with "freedom" as contributors of this magazine, then I need freedom to be the "editor" by my definition. It takes people such a long time to believe that we do "JustWhatWeWannaDo" and that writers will actually contribute without a chain and whip. Truth is, not only do I not want to check in on anyone, but I shouldn't have to. Grown folk will do what they want to do when they want to do it. Not only will they do it, but they'll do it fabulously.

For any given situation, you can do one of three things: Fail, meet the standard, or exceed expectations. People will do anything depending on how much they really want the end goal. I firmly believe that the more you love something, the better you do. The real issue with the world is that expectations are so mediocre. No one expects you to be good at anything; more than anything, we're expected to fail. Impressing folks is difficult. "What impresses you, Sir?" I asked as we made our way through the nearest exit. You see, I've found myself fortunate enough to be in the company of folks as real as (and sometimes realer than) myself. I can't be trusted to avoid my emotions.

I never know what people want from me or if I should even care. My current dilemma lies in doing "what I wanna do" and providing a positive role model for young women. Sometimes I feel so restricted, and I know it's me restricting myself. We went to a mixtape release/showcase last night and watched a bunch of people rock the mic to their own accord. Quite frankly, I've seen very few do it the way EastbrookFamilia does it (even though I hate to watch myself). & I'm also still always a bit iffy when I rep EBF (no offense) cuz I'm not even from there. But... I think my art is of better quality than most, and I prefer to be associated with others I feel the same about. So goes the age-old question: If your friend sucked at something, would you tell them the truth or encourage them to keep going? "Brooklyn shows too much love," the homie had said, I just hope that never refers to me.

         Just keep improving and progressing. "Do you believe things are supposed to end up a certain way," she'd asked me. I have this vision in my head about how my life is supposed to turn out. I don't know what will happen in the middle. I don't know the exact footsteps to get there, but we can agree there is a path. The most difficult thing for people to do is to understand that between A and Z lie 24 other letters. If you have a goal in your head, think of the most ideal method of getting there --There. That is your path. You know what you should do to get there, so any variation is really on you. Sometimes, we look at our options and think, "no one would do that," so we don't try either --not knowing that it's our opportunity to do something new, to be great. Whether you're thinking of your career or of your love life, the most ideal situation is... ideal. So why wold you do anything else? Perhaps it's fear of failing that holds us back, when it's actually that exact fear that makes us fail. Maybe we're afraid of "looking dumb" but what is "dumb" really? They probably looked at Pythagoras like a lunatic when he said the Earth was round. But if you truly believe in something, you dedicate your life to it. For a destiny to manifest itself, you must have faith in it.

       I do a lot of things I'm afraid to do. If you encounter me in public, especially during a performance, I'm a lot more shy than even I expect myself to be. It's mostly because I'm never ready, but I fight my fear. The fear always exists, I just make sure I always win. The real way to win in life --and get the destiny promised to you --is the win the battles of daily life. Remember, in any given situation, you can do one of three things: Fail, meet the standard, or exceed expectations. In any given situation. This can go for how you dress. This can go for how well you do on an assignment. This can go for the impression you leave on your loved ones. This is why I'm kinder to people than they are to me. It's why I embrace strangers. It's why people confuse me for a naive little girl when I touch the stage because I prefer to smile and be happy than to threaten you with hidden artillery or entice you by swaying my hips. I know sex sells. I don't know if I'm sexy. I know gangsta shit rocks, but real gangstas don't speak about their realities for show --dummies do. "Dear brothers and sisters, don't be childish in your understanding of these things. Be innocent as babies when it comes to evil but be maturing in understanding matters of this kind (Corinthians 14:20)."

          Yes, I believe in destiny. I believe we control it, though. I believe it begins to happen as soon as you realize that whatever you want to be later, you must be now. Once you decide who you will be, it's your duty to get there. If you decide not to take those steps, that becomes a dream and you're destined to whichever path you chose instead. I am a Queen. Before the ball, Cinderella didn't have it easy and she was scrubbing those same floors when Mr. Charming came around with her slipper. They called Belle odd (in song, and in unison) for walking though the town with her face in a book. Snow White only found her Prince as her savior from assassination. Maybe that's overboard. Maybe those are just fairy tales. But real Queens make it through wars you've never heard of, using methods you'd have never thought to employ. No princess ever got her prince by saying "Fuck that nigga." No superstar made it by sitting in the crowd. If it sounds like the most naive, idealist move to make, it's probably the right one. I'm not saying it'll be easy. I'm not saying you won't have to watch out for those aiming to take advantage. I do encourage you to pray to whatever you believe in. Worst case scenario, pray to yourself. But you will need faith & an unwavering loyalty to whatever you love.

So... *toast* to the impossible. Meet you there <3

ELLA.

Capitalizing on Opportunities

2013-05-21T14:22:00.002-04:00

I've decided to just go with it. There's a minute sense of hesitation that comes with every opportunity that makes you question whether or not it's right for you. What we seem to forget is that only way to figure out if it's right or not is to try it. If it doesn't work, don't do it again. If it works, congratu-fuckin-lations.

I've embarked on the most bizarre part of my life ever. There are things I've always wanted to do but I never knew if I could or would. You see, I sing a little bit now. But... I never thought I was pretty enough or... good enough. Now, as I walk into venues I've been booked for, I get, "Wow, pretty," as I walk in and "I like your sound," as I walk out. Who'd have thought? This might sound like bragging to you, but... I never heard myself sing until last... March maybe? I lived on the 11th floor of a a building on 145th in Harlem and I would challenge myself to sing as I walked down the 11 flights of the stairwell (when the elevator was taking too long). The most effective thing I did to help my singing, believe it or not, was pray. I prayed I could just be me. I prayed I could do what I wanted and what I learned was that I had to do everything I wanted to do with love and not consider what other people thought or felt. If what I wanted was to pursue a career as an artist to make me free and happy, then I had to actually be those things. Immediately.

I rhyme, too. But now I'm too pretty for that. It amazes me because I lie a lot less than these other brothers who rhyme and you should see the shine in the eyes of the crowds as they wonder if and when I'm going to fuck up. But... as my favorite bars go, "They looking for my flaws, but I'm tip-top, bitch, I do what I want." Trust me, my curses have never been so beautiful. I've a vulgar little thing. I remember when Eddie, in the third grade, told the teacher I had called him a son-of-a-bitch in the playground. We were playing tag. He was trippin if he thought he would catch me -- and so was Ms. Mellilo. I learned then to do what I do now, smile and keep it moving. I peformed with Bobby Stone and various others the other night (Saturday, May 18th) and I realized that I was in there alone. bobby had invited me, and I had seen him perform with Juicy Stone before, but other than that, it was me, no crew. A little girl from CF in the middle of Brooklyn, makin it do what it do. And I was dope. And I didn't have to dog anybody or threaten any one's life (lol). I could just be me. I went in there and approached it as family. I felt the vibes and can leave it all nameless because... it doesn't really matter, but I show love to everyone. All I want to do is be dope. I love the stage. I love the mic. I love my art. & that's what I was there for. Especially with females who don't like to get along with one another because we want to be "the baddest bitch," it didn't phase me. I wanted to talk shit, I really did... but I loved everyone in there and I didn't need to know them. & frankly, I don't even want to . I just wanna rock the mic.

I suppose people think I'm incapable of holding my own or being the G I was born as because my smile is far too genuine. Thing is, I have nothing to be mad at. I have nothing to fear. I have no questions. I've always told God to speak through me, especially since the days I attended a Quaker high-school. If you know anything of the Friends religious society, you'll know that they hold their "church" in complete silence and are sometimes given prompts to help direct their thoughts on a topic or situation. Anyone in attendance is allowed to speak at anytime, with the idea that God is speaking through that person. I loved that. I loved a lot of things people found odd.

I'm a smart girl from one of the worst school systems in the country. In the 8th grade I decided to guarantee my future and I continue to do so today. I've never been in need of accompaniment. When I was 6, my mother was arrested for making moves to put food on our plates and imprisoned because she chose not to snitch. For two years, I had no family... and when we finally got back together, that didn't change much. Not until recently have I gained a better understanding of family, and now I value that woman for what she's done for me. I'm big on "Family First". At the same rate, I don't need anyone to approve me or back me on anything I do. I'm just fine all by myself.

When I need to do something, I do it without questions. When someone wants me to perform in a show, I show up. When my name is called, I approach the mic by myself. These are the same things that happen when the first of the month comes around and rent is due, as well at when the 15th comes around and my car note plus insurance are automatically deducted from my bank account. I've never been the type to need to bring everyone to the bathroom with me so they can here me piss. You see, no one waits on what you need something, but you will always need things. The only way you can make sure you are covered, is to cover yourself. You can't depend on anyone to stand beside you, instead plant both your feet firmly on the ground and prepare yourself. Every tomato plant needs a stick to hold it up so it can grow correctly. I know that's corny but, the stick never asks for recognition. & that's real. If you don't need the help, don't go out and ask for it. Granted, some people do. But the Apple tree grows on it's own and bears fruit just fine.

The lack of opportunity is also an opportunity in itself. If no one will help you, that's a chance to strengthen yourself. If no one will support you, that's a chance to prove you can do it yourself. The darkest moments in our lives are our opportunities to learn to shine. I've got to be a real person now and say that I feel this very same way about relationships. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and perhaps that's because I'm getting lonely. Truly, though, the alone time I have is time I can use to chase my dreams. Yes, I would love to have someone (loyal, faithful, trustworthy and helpful) by my side, but until then, I have to be everything I need for myself. Not only that, but I have to take advantages and make them into what I want them to be. If I want to excel in my business, I only hold conversations about my business. As a female, I think we get wrapped up in thinking that we have to flirt of be involved in order to get placements in certain places. but if you believe in yourself and your product, you should let the product speak for itself. Eventually, when you get bigger and better, people will realize that it wasn't just a fluke You are are that dope. They'll have no choice but the respect it. Little do they know, though... the stock price has gone up.

Don't wait on anything. If you need something, figure out how to get it. If you feel something, feel that completely. You must act in order to do what you need to do. The outcome, whether positive or negative, will at least provide you learning experience. And be warned, when you do things how you want to do them, people will say you're wrong. They'll tell you that's not the right way because they've never seen it done like that before. You must continue to be yourself. You must chase your dreams with the purest passion you have. Love yourself like you want someone to love you. Love others the way you wish you could be loved and then love yourself more. Be your number one supporter. Cheer yourself on all the way to the finish line. Sometimes we fall. But if you want something, you have to at least try.

& so here we are...

I'll be on the radio with DJ FB on Thursday (night), May 23rd from 12a-3am. Rhode Island can tune into 90.3FM or the whole world should go to http://WRIU.ORG and listen LIVE.

I'm also the featured artist for The Potion Collective's Memorial Day BBQ + Showcase on May 27th. It's FREE all day (1:30pm-12a) and there's an open mic from 7:30pm-10pm. I hit the stage at 10pm. I have a 25 minute slot, so come through and enjoy if you're in Brooklyn <3

If ever you question if you should follow my advice, I give you this last piece of advice: Don't believe me? Just watch.

Thank you all for reading. Had to get those emotions off my chest. <3

Bout to blow up,

ELLA <3

Not My Man

2013-05-16T12:20:00.000-04:00

5.16.12

Exactly one year ago I thought....

That's not my man... because he's not. So every time I want to do for him, I have to sit back and ask what she's doing for him. F*cks him? Because she's not helping him out in any other area of his life. I sat back and listened to your man complain about the difficulties of following his dream. Have you listened to him? If so, are you planning on doing anything? Because he's still feeling it enough to speak of it.

& If you haven't handled it... now, do I have to? I'm not here to pick up slack. Where you fail, you'll be seen failing. If you want to be number one, you better play your roll, boo. Cuz I'm not playing #2.

Love is love, though. I wish everybody the best.

5.16.13

Today I think....

I suppose it's no woman's job to take care of a man. Have you ever met one of those guys who gets women to buy him things? I always find it impressive. I'm the type of woman who likes to buy, so it's interesting to see the other side. It's heartbreaking that we can no longer give to people without being abused. I'm good to my friends and my friends happen to be males. But... I've entered this point in my life where I don't like to keep anything to myself. I prefer to share. I don't like the spiritual burden that comes with greed.

Where is the line between a brotha who's trying to make it, and one who wants you to make it for him? Is it right to stop dating a man because he's not financially at the same place you are? I think that would be wrong. I think the better move is to never involve yourself in the first place. Sometimes, I think I'll sit waiting for Mr. Perfect forever, but at least I won't end up with Mr. I Guess He'll Do.

I've been wondering a lot lately why I'm single. Lol. It's not that I'm worried, but I want to know what the exact reason is. I wish I could know what other people think the reason is. My reason (right now) is that men become burdensome, they turn into children. If you form a true relationship with a man, you cook, clean and do all that stuff for him. Frankly, I don't have the time to cook and clean after myself sometimes. Sometimes, I go in for a $1 slice or a hotdog because I'm just that tired or my pockets are that tight. Not only do I not have the time for a man, but I can't afford him either --if he's not kicking in.

Men think women are the only ones who need money spent on them. Men like gifts, too. Unfortunately, I'm the type to play wife immediately. I believe that if you are who you are, you need to be who you will be. So if you plan on marrying a man, be his wife, ring or not. Catering to a man will still cost you a dollar, but it'll go to a different place. The other issue with men is that you can never cater to just your man. You have to cater to his entire family and his whole crew. When a man dates a woman, he takes her on a date. When a woman dates a man, she's making dinner for everyone.

I'm actually glad I don't have a man. I haven't been stressed in over a year. I haven't been questioned. I haven't had to do anything. I don't worry about where anyone is or who I'm with and how they'll feel. Of course, I consider my surroundings and the company I keep and how that affects how I'm perceived, but I don't worry about anyone's emotions. I also don't have to worry about anyone's finances. I care for my friends and where they're going in life, but when you're in a relationship, that is one life --at least is should be. That said, that person's problems become your problems. Their concerns become your concerns. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend (as much as I despise those titles) you can't sit back and say, "he/she can deal with that." If you can provide a solution, you provide it. If you can't, you help brainstorm. You do whatever you have to to get the job done and get the issues resolved. I feel you should be 1000% invested in each others' futures, goal, dreams, aspirations, etc. Or maybe I expect too much in relationships. I've been told that before. Maybe that's why I'm single.

lol.

Sincerely,

ELLA.

Patiently Dating.

2013-04-22T15:28:00.001-04:00

We rush into things when they're perfect, and that's what ruins everything. I've realized that I actually don't know anything and neither does anyone else. We barely know ourselves, how can we trust anything outside of that? Everything always changes, the best thing we can do is sit back and watch it become what it's meant to be. Worry will kill you while you're still alive. The secret to a long life is patience.

Love and life are the same exact thing. I consciously measure the pros and cons of each opportunity that lays on my place and every man all up in my face. I can't count how many pieces I've written trying to claw my way to love but that, in itself, should tell you that I don't have all of the answers. All I have is one question:

Would you rather spend the rest of your life alone, doing what ever it is that you do, or crying in an endless battle for happiness?

You'll never catch me stressed out. I called my mom this morning, and she told me Salle Mae's been calling. Truth is, Sallie Mae aint getting a penny until the rest of my life is paid off. Perhaps this isn't the most financially savvy move, but what I need is a raise. Meanwhile, I cut my phone off and am saving and extra $120 a month --with which I bought a bistro set and am working on my garden. I cry because I'm human and feel emotion, but crying or yelling about dealings with a man? You won't catch me. Worried about where some man is? You won't catch me. Wasting my time calling up some man's phone? You won't catch me. The real issue most women can't find the "right" guy is because you continue to make exceptions, allowing undeserving men into your life just so that you won't be lonely. The same way men choose the pretty girl to date, just to have her, women date random men, simply for company. They say that when you know, you know. If you don't know, why would you involve yourself?

I'm lonely, but I think God for it. I'm not perfect, but I hold my head with pride. I sometimes feel like I'm doing too much by not doing anything at all. When people ask me for advice, I give them the ideal answer --the best answer I can come up with-- but they respond as if I'm asking for too much. I can't say that I'm perfect, but I'm trying to get as close as possible. & If I can help you be more perfect than I am, so be it. Sometimes life isn't about correct, it's about being appropriate. You don't have to be the perfect person to be perfect for a job, or to be perfect for love. The most beautiful thing about both careers and relationships is that both institutions are looking for particulars that are perfect for them, not in respect to the world. Lyfe Jennings' "Statistics" is the best song for this in his lyrics laying instruction for , "Don't be a nickle out here looking for a dime". If you're not bringing enough to the table, you aren't going to get what you came for. Either you're not ready to put your bid in, or you're at the wrong table.

Perhaps the issue isn't that perfect isn't possible, but people aren't willing to work for it. If you want perfect. you have to be perfect. If you want to score 100% on an exam, you have to get all the questions right. It seems to me that people want perfect, but don't want to answer the questions. If you take a moment to consider that perfect person/job you want, think about what their perfect candidate would be because it might not be you. This isn't to say that it will never be you, but you have to be realistic about where you stand. If you want a 6-figure corporate job, expect to be worked to the bone and earn that cash. If you want a relationship where a person respects, desires, uplifts, supports and cares about you, you have to be willing to do the same. This also goes for moral standards. Most women want a man who will do A-Z, but you've slept with a man who's name starts with the letters A-Z. If you want the best out of your life, it isn't just about the things you do and what you bring to the table. How long it all lasts depends on who you are and what that table is built from in the first place.

Loneliness and desperation can rob you of all you were meant to have. If you're worried about keeping a man or a job, there is a reason behind it. No good company and no good man would let their most valuable person go. We've got to be honest about that. & if you are valuable and being let go, then there should still be no worry because your references will back you up. If those guys really weren't worth your time and didn't deserve you, there's no reason to stress it. Still, as a cognitive being, I'd pray you'd take note of whatever went wrong last time and make sure it's not in your next relationship. Yes, we do have to be wiser. Perhaps even a bit more cut-throat. You can't give all these niggas a chance, honestly. The real about that is that every guy you let in is another guy. We can debate double standards but the fact of it is, it is what it is. When you meet someone, what they're measuring you up with is, not only their past, but anything that might present itself in the future. Whatever details follow you along will have to be addressed and the person has to say "Can I deal with that?" The trick to this is, if you work on yourself to be the kind of woman your ideal man would want, you have nothing to worry about. But you must be patient if you still aren't that ideal woman. The answer is not to lower your expectations, but to improve your situation.

        The issue with waiting for "The One," is that it takes a long time to wait while the rest fail. Here's the truth: Most likely, the path to the one you're mean to be with, to the goals you aim to accomplish, is very long and very lonely --and they're supposed to be. It's amusing to me how we can search for "The One" and Soul Mates" and expect them to come so easily in a world full of billions of beings. Meanwhile, you're soul mate is somewhere on the other side of the world and you're sitting back, stressed about the wrong person. NOTE: If it's stressful, it doesn't fit. Anything that brings you stress is not meant to be. It's doesn't fit. We fit this stress into our lives and make exceptions. Then, when that very same thing goes wrong, we feel poorly about ourselves. It is so much better to be happy and happiness is worth any cost. Happiness simply takes a long time to achieve, especially complete happiness. If life is as long as we hope it'll be (I'm rooting for 100+) we have a bit of time to find ourselves. If your relationships in the moment aren't working out the way you want them to, remember two things: 1.) Make use of the time at hand and 2.) There is always more time.

   When you're at your loneliest, find yourself. There will be nights he doesn't respond and nights when no one responds. During those nights, what do you do? You can call someone else, but if you're waiting on Mr. Right, how right does it make you to look for entertainment elsewhere? Will your loneliness always drive you to find attention elsewhere? Be patient in your search for the right one as it'll train you to be patient with him. Not everything will go right in your relationship (or so they say) and you won't always be side-by-side with that person. Instead of having to get into a relationship and fighting and fussing to learn that, maybe you can try to swallow that pill and accept it to being with? Our ability to deal with the difficult affects the outcome of those testing situations. If you are impatient in finding your man, you may be impatient with other things in your relationship. In any relationship, patience is key. You've got to learn who that person is an decide what you will or will not deal with. Finding "The One" isn't about finding anyone and making them perfect, it't about finding the perfect person and dealing with whatever happens afterwards.

         Use your time. While no one is texting or calling you, instead of scrolling through your contacts trying to find entertainment, do what you need to do. Get some errands done. Work on that business plan you've been meaning to work on. A true love will fit into your life seamlessly, without disrupting your schedule or your progress. This way, you can continue to be yourself and continue to love yourself. Sometimes we feel disregarded or unloved because we're not getting attention from someone else, but every time you need attention from someone else, ask yourself why you won't give that attention to yourself. If all it takes is a bottle of wine and a pair of shoes to make you happy, can't you do that for yourself?

     Love and befriend yourself. Love should come from everywhere, not just an intimate relationship. Take your time to get to know people, as well as to learn to love people. Move calmly. Don't expect anything from your relationships, allow them to turn into what they're destined to be --some are distined to last forever, others aren't. Some of us (especially strong women of color) are so bold, driven and busy we don't have time for ourselves and expect someone else to pay attention to us and treat us like ladies. But you've got to be willing to put in the work on your end. If there's something you think is "wrong" with you, either fix it or love it boldly. Same comes for men. If there's something you don't like about him, either love him or leave him alone. Stop with the drama. Stop with the forcing relationships because you're lonely. If you want something that feels natural and just happens and the stars align... you've got to wait for them to align.

ELLA

P.S.
        Trust me if you want to. Don't if you don't. Sometimes I write these in order to keep my own head high. If I don't believe in my own dreams, no one else will. It's disheartening that I have to call these dreams. Love shouldn't be a dream but, in my opinion, we don't work heard enough for it. This world is full of temptations. We do things we know isn't right. We involve ourselves with the wrong people knowing where it will end up. As a writer, I put it all into words the nicest way possible but... if you haven't found the one, there are probably things you have to improve of yourself, and some of these things, only time can change. You must be patient with yourself as well as patient the world. If you rush the baking process, the cake simply doesn't come out right. I think we all need to slow down and stop stressing ourselves out so much. Love is important, but that comes form family and friends as well. If you're rushing to be in a relationship, you might just be taken hold by the physical sensations of it. If you can learn to ignore the physical, you can really fall in love with a person which might help with the state of your overall relationship. What are you really looking for? I suggest you move with patience and give yourself time to find that out.

Never stress, tho. Stress is never good.

Is Gun Control the Answer?

2013-04-18T13:47:00.003-04:00

Guns are so important to the history of the American people, that our right to bear arms follows our freedom to believe in the God of our choice, and the freedom to voice our concerns. Are our inherent freedoms now too free?

Freedoms lose their strength as soon as we need to write them into law. Unfortunately, sometimes it take a bunch of old folks to sit down in a room and yell at each other to establish human rights. Because if it's in ink, it matters more? We've seen this happen on every subject from racial equality to gay-marriage. In this world, people can't simply be --they must be allowed to be.

Perhaps I'm from the wrong side of the tracks, but I understand the need for a pistol and hope to get one of my own. Simply, I'm not comfortable with law enforcement carrying weapons as a standard if I don't have the right to as well. What do they need to protect themselves from that I'm not also supposed to protect myself from? In addition, with cases like Kimani Gray and Trayvon Martin, I have very little confidence that those who are supposed to protect me can or will. Without having to do much, some people in this country are criminals simply for what they look like or where they live. Feelings like these are similar to those felt by the first founders of this nation --who searched for an escape from the unjust legislation of English rule which imposed unfair taxes and unjust judgment. Funny, because it seems that is the same condition I feel today. Still, I recognize that other people live on the other side of the tracks.

On Wednesday, April 17th, senate failed to pass various gun control proposals:

Extend background checks to internet and gun show sales - 45 in favor, 55 against
Ban Assault weapons - 40 in favor, 60 against
Ban high Capacity Magazines - 46 in favor, 54 against
"Concealed weapons permit" valid in any state - 57 in favor, 43 against.

You can still buy your assault weapon (with an extra magazine) on the internet and bring it with you from state-to-state as long as you have a piece of paper that says it's okay. Obama called this "a pretty shameful day for Washington." This may have been an opportunity to avoid repeat of the Newton shooting, but wouldn't have addressed the fact the people are choosing mass murder as a way to alleviate whatever is going on in their lives. The background checks would bar people with mental disorders and cases of psychological disorders/treatments from buying guns. I understand this, but I suppose I am far more concerned with the fact that so many America citizens have these mental disorders. In my humble opinion, I believe there needs to be more research as to what American's are facing - mentally- and how to improve the spirits of the American people.

Frankly, I'm not sure how this can be addressed, but I will hold onto my rifle. The Amendments were added to the consitution to protect our individual rights. Unfortunately guns are real. Even those allowed and trained to use these weapons have been found to use them incorrectly. Perhaps we need more training to familiarize ourselves with these weapons and learn to use them correctly. Guns are the most powerful things in that even the smallest gun can end a life. The way I feel about guns is the way I feel about liquor. Europeans don't have an issue with drunk driving like Americans do because the liquor isn't a big deal. If guns weren't such a hot topic, and people were regularly trained on how to manage them, maybe we'd have a better turn around. We only see guns as forces of retaliation and defense even though they were once hunting instruments. We need to rid ourselves of the anger and aggression our people feel. Perhaps the capitalist pressures of this country, combined with manifest destiny make us want to go to war so badly. We must retaliate, right? It's the American way, isn't it?

If people don't know how to use their guns, I just want to learn how to use mine. Some people wish guns would go away all together, but I believe in my right to bear arms because every time I see a police officer, I wonder if he considers his army different from mine --and he probably does.I know that guns kill people. I also know that knives kill people. And enough aspirin will take you out. There are many ways to die and many ways to kill. I think it's a waste of time making legislation to try to avoid all these terrors instead of trying to find ways to stop these terrors from happening. You can take the gun away from the shooter, or you can find why he become a shooter in the first place and address that. Whether I need to say it or not, I think ignoring these issues is sorta like ignoring the "In God We Trust" printed on our currency. What do we really care about? I supposed taking all guns off the street would be the best answer: Like how Communist leaders like to burn books.

I'm an idealist, I know... but I won't lower my expectations of what a government should/should not do. What they should do is find ways to make people interact better with each other --most of this is parenting. That Newton guy went in for his mom. What they will not do is take away my right to protect myself, because the government, honestly, doesn't always do a great job. I agree with Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, regarding his staement to the NY Times: "Like most American's, I want to keep firearms out of the hands of criminals and dangerous mentally ill people [but the bipartisan plan] overly burdens a law-abiding citizen's ability to exercise his or her Second Amendment rights and creates uncertainty about what is and is not a criminal offense." It's bizarre how a person can be unsure what exactly their rights are. See yours below, but there are plenty more for us to dissect.

Good luck, America. God Bless.

http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/bill_of_rights_transcript.html

http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/GPO-CONAN-1992/html/GPO-CONAN-1992-10-3.htm

Is Perfect Possible?

2013-04-12T16:33:00.004-04:00

It's tough to say no. Makes you the one to spoil the fun. You're called "uptight" and "reserved" every time a man asks you to "stand up, lemme see what you got," and you politely say you'd rather not instead of spitting in his face. But when I meet people who question me, I wonder: What kind of women will you marry? Or, what kind of woman are you? Not that I'm perfect, but fuck, can't I try? That's not allowed? If it's perfect for me, isn't that enough? Isn't that what it's supposed to be? What some people don't like about me, others love. What some people don't like about me is that I make them question themselves. I say no to a lot of the things most people say yes to. But I'm also willing to make a lot of moves most people haven't even thought of. I guess the secret is to try to.

For most of my existence, I was just living. When I was 6, I wanted to be a veterinarian and a singer. At 15, I wanted to be a poet. My first year of undergrad claimed I wanted to be a psychiatrist, but my degree claims I'm a Advertising professional. My gift with words garners me the title of "writer" but I'm in desperate need of a copy editor. When I put my scripture to music, people are startled and it trips me up. Not until I've gotten really involved with this JWWWD Magazine thing did I realize that all I wanted to be was happy with myself. For the most part, you do what you're supposed to do until you start to reconsider exactly what it is you're supposed to do. Everything changes with every single step on the path of life except yourself --especially if you want it to. The only thing you know is yourself. For this reason, I've decided to write an open letter to me. I'm the only one I can truly trust to betray me. I feel so alone that I'm incapable of depending on anyone. The strength people see in me someone hinders their conversations with me, they're afraid to offend me or lie to me, so most times, people say nothing at all. I understand. Frankly, I fear me, too & am trying to cope with it, myself.

Life gets tougher once you've entered the race. I fight myself everyday, even though I don't have to. I push myself to be a better person because there simply is no other option. I'm always better than myself because I expect me to be the best. It's harder to be a good person than you'd think. People are proud of me, and I'm always confused as to why. I know what sparks them to say so, but what I do isn't incredible, it's just real. What disappoints me is how odd I seem to the rest of the world when I keep it real. I haven't changed much; I supposed that's why I'm proud of myself. Only thing that's changed about me are my dishonest actions. I've never been a liar, but I've lied. My grandest flaw was in not giving a fuck about people's feelings. I knew a long time ago that no one knew me. I also knew that "love" is specific, but each individual defines it distinctly. Some people only love you if and when and for as long as you're around.

I have a problem with being too honest. The honest truth is that I don't care about anything enough to lie. Not to mention, I'm in a good place in life where anything that might go wrong, won't really affect me. I don't commit any real crimes. I twist a jay as often as I can, but there are plenty Americans voting for the legalization of Mary and Maria on our soil. As people become more comfortable speaking their minds, they realize their thoughts aren't too far from mine, and if they are, they're comforted by the fact that I really don't give a damn.

I love everyone like family. This leaves me open to getting the purest love in return as well as leaves me victim to any wrongs those people might commit --and commit against me. It's the reason I can't hang out with people anymore. The truth is, I take full responsibility of whoever I'm around and love them completely. My biggest issue occurs when I come across ideas of what they do behind closed doors and/or in men's text messages. If a man talks about your private dealings publicly, he doesn't respect you. If you deal with men who do things like this, you don't respect yourself. If you hang out with girls who don't respect themselves, it's tough to respect you... so I stay in the house. "You have such a good spirit," I'm told often and, on this day, by the Q8 bus driver who goes by "T". I catch him on the 9:27a leaving Spring Creek and he always waits for me as I run across the street, late as usual. We spoke about the ability of people to do both right and wrong... as well as their ability to choose to do one over the other.

"There's that 'Turn the other cheek' thing," I proposed.

"But people misunderstand that, I think. You know, the way it's written in the bible," he said mid-hello to the next person getting on the bus. He'd asked me if I appreciated him because he stopped the bus for me, or because of his humanity. I told them I shouldn't have to say I appreciate his humanity, but I did. Our conversation moved beautifully from there.

"So what do you think it means?"

"It means that no matter what someone does to you, you're gonna hold your ground. You're gonna stick to your beliefs," he explained.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have my beliefs. It's gotten to the point where I can't speak to anyone without talking about God. I can't hold back my opinion and being a female makes those opinions come off as "emotions." Being a female has been the greatest thing to happen to me, though. People listen because they expect me to be shallow or unintelligent and are completely shocked when I say something that makes sense. I navigate worlds not meant for me because people think I have a pretty face. I can get invited onto the tour bus or into VIP at the rooftop party but I always have to cut my visits short because some men get frustrated when they get closer to the fact they're never gonna hit it and it'll take more than an iced-out wrist to persuade me.

Sometimes I think my standards are too high. I expected to be treated like a lady no matter where I go. I like my doors held open and my drinks brought to me. I evaluate people as full beings and try my hardest to stay away from judgment while shedding light on the truth. I wrote my last post on Jay-Z's "Open Letter" and while I believe in everything I wrote, I'm still nervous that I wrote it. I know because I couldn't have it read in front of me last night. I still care about people and their spirituality. I care about souls. I think that people should be better people and if we could learn to care for and respect each other, the world would be a better place. I don't know if this is possible in my lifetime, but it's possible in theory --just like Communism. Even the people we love the most have flaws. That's why I believe that the people who love you most are the ones who know exactly what's wrong with you. I wonder if "love" means loving someone aside from their flaws or helping that person see those flaws and decide if they are actually flaws at all.

I don't like anything that's not real. Fake people stress me out and make my back hurt. Fake hair, nails, lashes and all that make me uncomfortable. It's not that I haven't worn them, or that I won't I just need to know that I love me the way God made me, best. Anything I add onto my body is an accessory. Just like any accessory I'd use, I'd need to switch it up. "Love the bangs!" Everyone loved the bangs, but it was a temporary look. I'd gone to a Fetish Party (lol, yesss and it was awkward and dope. I'm a latex and leather kinda girl. Got myself a whipp and everything <3 ) and decided to give them the Mia Wallace look. I wore this same wig when I bought my car. It's really just something for me to throw on when I'm either in a rush or bored... not for a look. I don't want to change me... that's what I'm afraid of. Some people talk "all natural" for food but nothing else. I just like to be me.

The toughest part about loving myself is understanding what that means. I don't love myself because I think I'm better than anyone... or that I'm doing a better job than anyone. I love myself because I admire the effort I'm putting into my life. I never thought I could be a good person. I actually thought I'd end up like most other girls I know: a kid, two jobs and no car. Nothing against them, I just applaud myself because my reality is the fairytale I prayed for. I get scared when people love me because I feel like they don't know anything about me. I'm the girl who's always by herself and no one asks why --even though I know they wonder. It's difficult to tell people you don't trust human beings without offending them. It's more difficult to pretend to be other than you are.

"I'm sorry," is the phrase I use often. I apologize to people for being myself all the time. In a second's notice, my conversations get personal and heavy while I'm telling people how much I love them and how the world needs improvement. I'm just unsure of how people deal with me. I admire my friends because I'm not easy to put up with --you never know what I'm going to say, but it's going to be some real shit and you don't know how that might end up either. People respond to me semi-well. Females have a hard time with me: I make them question their righteousness. They compare themselves to me and try to put me down instead of understanding that I'm just doing the best I can and if I happen to be doing better than them, I'm happy to leave footprints. Men have a difficult time because I'm nice to all of them so they secretly attempt to woo me. When they find out I'm not interested or too focused on my own life, they get upset and turn away."You can't do that," I was told once. "You're going to scare guys away."

"If he's gonna run, he better run fast," I told him.

I feel like I'm going to be alone for a while and it frightens me that I'm not scared. Apparently, everything works wonderfully through God, so I've begun to pray so much I feel I'm high off righteousness. I read the bible at lunch. I promise you, I was never this good of a person. I use to mack them to distract them and then left them like nothing happened. I started going to clubs at 15 and, in college, partied everyday of the week except Sundays and Tuesdays. But I've always been bright. I always had limits. I was never really pretty, at least I never thought so. I don't know where this all came from --the men who stop and stare and do anything I want them to. The females who want to be my friend, complimenting me like they care. In my head I'm still short, chubby, black and ugly as ever, however... I drive German now and that really makes a difference.

I feel so comfortable being me. I don't even care what it means. I simply... don't think. I just move with my heart. No matter how awkward... because I never feel normal anyway. But at least I'm sure that whatever I did is what came from me, from the purest part of me. No motives. No schemes. The most uncomfortable feeling in the world has to be figuring out how to be yourself. There are things I still haven't said about myself. That might be tough to believe with how much I write, but I live and learn everyday. I've got to give the world small pieces of me, because they obviously can't handle much. I'm not interested in slowing down... I just can't wait for the day I can be open and honest about everything without feeling the least bit of fear. That, is really, what I'm aiming for.

What I'm here for is to show you that you might not be the only one struggle. People will want you to change, but you can't, so you should work on making you as good as possible. They've got to accept you as you are. People probably want these posts to be shorter, but they won't be. You've got to take it as I give it to you. Getting to the top of the mountain is difficult and lonely... but not so much as you think. Not if you have the right equipment. Not if you have peace of mind. Not if you've gotten rid of your fear. If you're a good woman, it's like you can't have fun anymore. It means you're boring. You can't do anything. You sit at home and cook and clean... but perhaps our definitions of "fun" should be reevaluated... just maybe. Or maybe this is just me and, if it is, I'm okay with that, too.

What is a woman, really? That's the next post. CLICK HERE to find out how you can help me on my journey & win some FREE goodies :)

Thank you for reading <3

ELLA.

Lonely or in Love?

2013-04-09T15:15:00.001-04:00

"Don't sit around and wait," he said.

I glanced around the room and watched everyone pretend they weren't waiting for my response. No eye contact means you can't read whether or not they agree. They were half pretending not to be in the conversation at all --and justifiably so. When someone asks you a question, it's rarely because they need an answer, they simply want to know what you think. When I ask a question, it's so that I can understand the world's expectations in order to surpass them. You see, my love life is in perfect shambles, and I'm trying to figure out how to keep it that way: Mine.

I rarely ask questions because, when I do, people rarely know how to respond. Regardless of whether or not I agree, all I want is the truth. I suppose I only ask questions to see who has the gall to lie to my face. All the answers I need, I already have. Life, to me, is a science. Everything that happens is merely additional proof of the theories I already hold. I'm often correct, #AskAboutMe. It has nothing to do with people in particular, nor with feeling like I'm above anyone, it's just that people don't know how to communicate. The worst conversations to have are secret arguments - when the parties involved aren't trying to resolve anything, just listening for reason to cut the other person's throat. Why is everyone is on the defensive?

I guess there really ain't no love in the city --mostly because there's no heart.

I believe that the most important factor in decision making in your "love" life should be based on "love" itself. The first person I asked was my best friend. If you're asking someone for advice on your life, make sure that person has you on a pedestal. This is what our parents do for us. They expect the world for their children, and your friends should expect the world for you. These people are going to care about you more than you care about yourself, and sometimes you need that to separate you from your own desperation and restlessness (whether in business or pleasure). I have a habit of making myself "normal" and falling victim to "The Exceptions". As much as I think I deserve, I always tell myself, "I can do that for myself," and "I don't need someone to..." because I actually don't need anyone for a damn thing. What I forget is that even though I don't need anyone to do things for me, I still deserve it.

What exactly do I deserve? "You don't deserve everything you think you do," he yelled through the speaker... The memory of When He Left Me plagues me everyday. It's not that I'm not over him it's that I couldn't believe the bullshit coming out of his mouth. I'm not over how wrong he was. Is it that I didn't deserve what I wanted, or that he couldn't provide it? I was a girl with dreams --dreams I'm accomplishing today. He, a school teacher and part-time DJ (don't ask me what he does now), once brought up the idea of my moving to New York and possibly finding something/someone new. He'd been in Maryland a couple of years after graduating and, frankly, I'm a big-city kinda girl. I'm actually thankful that ended because it would have stunted everything I've become today. Sadly enough, I was willing to sit around and wait for him... Waiting has the tendency to break hearts. What I've realized is that what deserve most is someone who won't do that.

It seems to me that some men can't handle the weight of a woman's dreams. Especially if your goals are loftier than his. Then, because he doesn't have the drive or ethic to go out and get his, he determines that what you want is actually too much. It's tough to work your ass off for things another person wants if you don't want them yourself. The truth is, not everything is made for everyone. My toughest battle is deciding what to expect from men. I've decided I shouldn't expect anything ever. The guy who gives me what I need, without my asking shall be the victor. The only way to know if you should hang around is if your end goals are the same as his. If you want the same things out of life, you might just be on the same path. If you are on the same path, why rush? Enjoy the sights. If you're not on the same path, where exactly do you think you're headed? .

"We're not at the age where I'm just going to date to date. If there's not a possibility for marriage, I don't have the time," That might have been what Britt said... or damned near it. I am in love with her. She's smart, gorgeous, confident and resilient. She was a freshman when I was a senior in college. 4 years later, I respect her more than most people I know. An AKA with every fiber of her being, pursing a career in law... I know, for a fact, this girl is going to help me rule the world. I've heard her stories of dealing with normal drama that comes with life and the issues in her own relationship (with a guy whom I also adore because of how well he treats her) and sometimes I sit back, amazed, at how brilliantly she handles the situations --before speaking with me. She is a real life example of what I think an amazing girlfriend is. I only hear Brittany's advice because it comes from a solid place within herself. Still, I take note that that's Brittany. That's not me. Her relationship, as beautiful as it is, is not mine.

"So what happens years from now? If he's 'the one' you'll met him and he can ask you anything he wants. What happens is, either I fucked around or I didn't." My loyalty holds me hostage. I understand "not waiting around" but I just watched LOL (w/ Miley Cyrus) last night (judge me) and it told me everything (judge me again). When her boyfriend comes back after summer break, he says he hooked up with some girl. To "get even" Miley says that she slept with someone, too. The only thing this does is that it gets her called a "hoe" in the mean high-school hallways *shrugs* If it were true, it simply would have been true. The fact is, love is supposed to be without reason. When you love a person you love a person. Some people just want company. If you think that you can attract someone by being with another person, realize the type of relationship your soliciting. Not only do you end up losing the person you "loved" but your self-respect as well. I've learned the hard way that when a temptations works, it works; leading you in the completely wrong direction, for which you will be judged. If you feel like you need to fill your time with random people... and you think the advice to see other people is bearable, I would question whether you're actually in love... or just lonely.

I don't want to mess around. I think life is longer than we think (or it should be), so I'm trying to avoid as much bullshit as possible. I don't want to get with someone now and then get bored. I don't want them to get bored. I also don't want to tie a man down before he's ready and still wondering where the greenest grass is. "He's gotta roam. I just have to wait for everyone else to fail," was my response. I believe the detriment to all relationships lies in one issue: Insecurity. I've said it before and I've say it as many times as I have to: Hoes exist. Also, shit happens. I think the worst thing you can do is get into any relationship (business, romance or platonic) and think that there will be no road bumps. I believe that if you truly want a relationship to work, you have to anticipate those obstacles and plan for them. Sometimes, the only answer is to avoid it all, in full. You might not be able to avoid every hill and valley, but there might be a way around it if you take the time to look for it. The world would be much easier if you could believe the things people said. It would be a piece of cake if you could actually monitor a person's true feelings; the ones they're scared to share.

I don't like to lose. In the case it feels like I'm losing, I turn it into a win --seems impossible? (I'll probably do it twice.) I'm 25 years old. I don't have a driver or a body guard and I don't live in a castle --that means I have shit to do. If that seems extravagant to you, that's probably because you aren't me (let's get used to that). Instead of sitting around wondering whether or not Prince Charming will get his shit together, I've got to get mine together. Just like any other royal story, there is more than one Prince and more than one Princess. Yet, the story remains the same. The Prince is always a gentleman and the Princess is a sweetheart. I just play my role. If this isn't the right Prince for me, perhaps it is another (richer more handsome) one. If this is my Prince, there will never be richer, more handsome one --at least not in my eyes. Anytime I feel alone, worried (which I do), it doesn't last long. I take those "alone" times and work on whatever it is I need to do. If ever I worry, I pray for God to relieve me of that-- worry gets you nowhere and nothing but faith can cure it; you're free to choose your own name for "God". If ever I feel insecure, I take measures to prove to myself why I shouldn't be --sometimes I play with my makeup, sometimes I write a really dope post. I take this "free" time to make myself a beautiful person inside and out because a man has nothing to do with that.

Desperation kills women. Lying with men just for the sensation merely gives pieces of yourself away. Double standards exist and trying to fight them by sleeping around won't make you a martyr. Sometimes, you've just got to let things rock and be as normal as possible. If it's "meant to be" it simply will be. If not, it'll all fade away and you'll be glad you didn't spend time pining over it. At the end of the day, you want to be the woman your man wants you to be --which should really just be you being yourself. Sometimes, obstacles put in your path are so that you can both see how the other will react. Allowing yourselves to be partners in the battle might give you a bit of history, confidence and security in your future. You don't need to jump into everything as soon as it happens just so that you can hold onto him. Love never wavers. If he's the one, he'll be there. The one thing that frightens men is being chased... so let that boy roam. Don't worry your pretty little head off. Instead, put on your best lingerie and your newest heels and be pretty for you. You might even throw an apron on and make your best meal for you. Treat yourself the way you should be treated. You don't have to wait on anyone to be as fabulous as you're meant to be.

I'm all about loyalty. & if you aren't loyal for the sake of being loyal --for personal respect -- then what would make you loyal? What does it take? If you want to be with someone, act accordingly. Earn it. Your situation will be different from everyone else's because you aren't anyone else. If it all goes to shit, at least you won't be the one to blame. Be the perfect girlfriend --even if you aren't his girlfriend. Whether or not he's "into" you. It won't hurt. It's actually just practice for the real thing. Remember, that what matters most is usually what people say after everything has ended. Don't make it your fault. The only things you have to keep in mind are the following:

Does he respect you?

Does he make you happy?

Does he love you?

If he does all these things... what more do you want? Why change things? What does a "girlfriend" title do for the relationship except provide a response for Are We Dating Yet? Besides "require" him to pick up your calls? Please note... I didn't ask whether or not he fucks you. Not only is a relationship more than that, but that's no one's business. Some women just want to be in a relationship to justify a sexual exchange. I agree with Britt on the marriage thing. "Wife" is really the only title that matters. If you aren't married, you're single, right? I don't do boyfriends --they think they're entitled to everything except paying rent. I date... I do. But when you love that's for one person... and sometimes it takes a couple dates with someone you don't love for you to recognize who you do love. You can only sit across the table with someone, thinking about someone else but for so long. So I'd rather be at my kitchen table, feeding my dog scraps.

Lemme get this castle, boo. I'll let the drawbridge down when you decide to come home.

*shrugs* That's just how I feel, tho.

ELLA <3

In Lieu of Judgment Day

2013-03-22T14:52:00.000-04:00

Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:19

I met him at Perfections, a Gentleman's club --I call these particular venues strip clubs, but strippers are also called "dancers" *shrugs*. I'm still not sure about how to feel about meeting someone there & I suppose he was trying to figure out the same. That's why he'd asked me why I was there in the first place. I'd gone for a homie's birthday (made a brilliant fool of myself trying to get him in with an expired ID, but I did get him in) and had sat myself in a corner when my new friend took a moment to be a gentlemen and offer me a drink. As he walked back to me and handed me my staple, Henny con cranberry, the guy I had spoken to briefly on the other side of the bar walked by and I couldn't help but to look him in the eyes & laugh. Strip clubs are interesting... they make you wonder what everyone is there for. I understand now that I'm not a strip club kinda girl. I would go there for a celebration, when I have enough dollar bills to make the ladies feel what they're doing is worth it, but on a regular night? As a regular? Not for me.

"I like to put myself into situations to see how I'll react," I told him.

"Wow," he responded, the shock evident in his eyes. "I've never heard that before. You're like... 8 steps ahead of me." It seemed much of what I said surprised him. I have the tendency to tell people they haven't met many real women because they find me so foreign. If they aren't used to my responses, I assume they haven't heard them before. I understand I'm an odd individual, but obviously I find myself to be so sane.

Ballers ball out. Strip clubs are all about money. The dancers are there for a reason and that reason is not for fun. All kinds of groups frequent the spot, including many females. Most often, they have a friend/favorite they come and spend their money on. Then there's those who just enjoy the sight of women *raises hand*. I think women are beautiful. If they would dance on pedestals everywhere I went, I think that'd be fabulous, but I'd want them to keep their clothes on. Naked strippers make me uncomfortable lol (guess that's not a strip club, then). There are those who go for the purpose of just... making it rain. Some people want to spend money. Looking good makes people feel good. You can purchase attention. There's also a very thirsty crowd --which includes the guy I laughed at. For one of the rotations (the ladies switch from the stage to the floor, giving each an opportunity to dance & keeping the patrons' attention), there was barely any money being thrown out. I walked over to the side of the stage my favorite girl was on, and tried to attract someone who'd do something. It only half worked --he came over and asked, "Can I get a dance?" Like I've been learning to do more often, I gave him my hand, palm up. He reached in his pocket and pull out one dingy dollar bill and placed it reluctantly in my palm. As my eyebrows raised and my head tilted he asked, "So when do you go on?" sliding his hand around my waist.

"I don't work here," I said, crumpling the dollar and sliding away.

"So you just gonna take my dollar?" I threw it on the stage and walked away in the middle of his muttering --probably something disrespectful. & that's when I sat in my corner and waiting for a better option.

Everything I do, I do out of support and love. If someone needs me, I'll be there for them. If I can show my support, I'll be there for them. Nothing really phases me because I'm so grounded in myself and the reasons I do things: I never do anything I don't want to do. That's the purpose of JWWWD Magazine: Just What We Wanna Do. I live by it. As I mentioned, I went to Perfections for a birthday celebration, but really, I wanted to see how I would feel in a room full of women doing more than I'm signed up for. They were beautiful... but I think all women are beautiful... Still, I think I'm the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Not because I am physically, but because I prefer me. I'm always thrown into situations with women who get hundreds, sometimes thousands, of likes on social networks but when you see that some people only have their bodies to offer, it makes you see them in a different light. I'm not saying that the Perfections' girls aren't intelligent or funny or whatever... I'm saying they say their bodies are the most valuable assets they have --if they didn't think so themselves, they'd be working elsewhere. Strippers make a lot of money. So do prostitutes. So do lawyers. Perhaps some of them are paying their ways through school --who knows, but this particular occupation has to take an incredible toll on your spirit.

"I feel bad for them."

"Why?"

"They don't do that because everything's perfect. They pick money up off of the ground for a living. In their panties. Some of them go home to children to feed. They lay their heads down to rest and remember where they just came from." You know how you made your money... do you think they forget where theirs came from?

"You're right..."

"My brother dated a lot of strippers. They're good girls," I added with a shrug. You see, I've been trying to understand the fine line between judgment and understanding. I know what these girls do... I don't think that makes them bad people, but it is a poor choice of lifestyle. I don't really know how to address it... I can't say stripping is wrong, but it's not right. I suppose it's a business because it's lucrative. If it didn't make money, it wouldn't exist. *shrugs* People will do what you pay them for and there are people who really enjoy that atmosphere --I can't exclude myself from them. Usually, when I comment on my favorite topic (h*es) I end in feeling like... somebody's got to do it... but it won't be me. I love the h*tivities (h*e activities) because they let you know what's going on around you. Recently went to a little shindig where a girl walked in with a can of whipped cream. She'd put some on her breasts and walked around to the guys in the room asking them if they wanted to lick it off. When they wouldn't participate, she'd lick it off herself. When the guys stopped paying mind, some of the other ladies in the room decided to be the party, got on a table and licked each other off. You can call this subliminal if you like... but just because ladies want to put that image out for themselves, I won't condone it. "They're licking it off each other," I was told, so I sat back in my chair, in the corner of the room. I decided not to participate nor witness and continued sipping my Hennessy & wine -- I was actually turnt up that night, but my "turnt up" only gets to be but so much. The benefit of being around other females is understanding what other females do... what your men see... It allows you to establishing who you are --if you are, indeed, any different.

The benefit of being friends with males is hearing what they have to say when all other females leave the room. The things risque females do entertain them.. but they don't impress them. They don't exactly want to bring you home to mom and they actually fear bringing you around their homies... unless groups are what you do. "Women in this country, they don't cook. They don't clean..." I had an hour-long conversation with a co-worker of mine yesterday, but had to inform her that it's not of this country (although maybe it is), it's of this generation. We've fought so hard for equal rights; the only difference between men and women now is the physical make-up. The talk about men being dogs and having no respect is no longer specific to men. When you sit most guys down, they'll actually talk to you about how important it is for them to be gentlemen and how they desire a traditional woman... the issues only arise when you allow them to treat you differently. You advertise yourself as what you are. You are what you are and you'll be employed for that.

I sometimes fear myself. I feel stronger than myself and, at 5'2, my sweet demeanor seems to make people doubt my strength. I used to be quicker to judge. I used to care more about what people thought --not to change my opinions, but to let them know mine so that I could try to help and change them. I've learned that people are who they are and the only thing I can do is lead by example. I see everything. I feel strongly about everything --I'm not indedecisive at all --, but I also understand that just like no one is me, I'm not them. I can't tell people how to behave, and no one can tell me how to behave. We find entertainment in different places. I'd also say, you have to be strong to take your clothes off for crumbled dollar bills *shrugs*. I suppose I just wish things would be different but no laws (man-made nor God-given) can truly, immediately change how people act. Actually... the most effective method of altering someone's behavior is... Money.

"I don't think I should ever have to pay for anything when I'm out with guys. Ever..." This particular homie typically agrees with almost everything I tweet but that didn't sit well with him. Since I do hang with so many males, I know they look for "real women" --a woman who cooks, cleans, etc., but they rarely speak about what their part is in exchange. If a woman cooks and cleans, what do you do? What is the trade off? I have the bad habit of treating all of my male friends like men. I cook for them. Clean up after them. Consider their welfare. Worry about their safety soon as the sun sets. "Woman" is very close to "mother" to me. When a man marries, he stops leaning on his mother and his wife takes over those responsibilities. I've heard the phrase "I'm not your mother," but you shouldn't have to raise a man. What you're expected to do is everything else --cook, clean, laundry *shrugs* But again what does a man do? He picks you up, holds the door open, pulls out your chair, pays the bill and makes sure you get home safe. If he wants to court you, he shows up with flowers --yes, even if you don't like them.

Empty handed, greedy and underdeveloped, are the words I use to describe today's men. They want you to be their friends and treat you no differently although they want it to be different. They assume a woman should get used to him being frugal aka broke because she loves him --well, honey... I love you enough to tell you that you need to get your sh*t together. I don't need a man to lean on me, I need a man to lean on. I'm not full out of the nonsense, but I'm slowly learning. I'm at the point now where men will take me to dinner anywhere I want. If they don't put me on a budget then sit and watch how much I eat and/or waste we might even go out on a second date. After that, though, they wonder what they're getting in return and decide my occasional company is not enough. We both know I'm worth it, but if I don't love you or feel for you somehow, there's no restaurant in the world that will make me make an exception. Ladies: You can't just give yourself. I've said it before, but if you want something go for it. What I want is perfection... and frankly, I damned near give instructions on this site, so I don't consider myself wrong for expect that. I want someone who wants to give me everything I desire. In turn, I'll give him everything he desires.

I don't believe in 50/50 -- that's just two people doing a half-assed job. I believe in 100/100. If any man doesn't agree with this... he's obviously not the man for me. When it comes to male "friends" paying for me to go out, I expect that as well. That's how my friends treat me at home. That's how my family treats me here. That's what I expect. I don't judge anybody for not feeling the same way, I also simply understand the circumstances and have to go out with you accordingly. Unfortunately, I'm too grown up, have too many bills and am trying to invest in my future to steadily to spend money frivolously. Group functions don't do it for me anymore. I'm a 24-year-old woman who works overtime to live on her own and pay her own bills.

We forget we are individuals. & most individuals forget to grow up. You have the right to decided what you do and what you expect --everyone does. We judge each other based on our own standards when there is no standard for all of us. I'm not made for every man, I'm made for one man. I only expect one man to agree with me. Until then, I'll avoid the disagreements/arguments and continue to pay my bills in peace. I don't expect any women to agree with me because I'm heterosexual, so I don't really care what they think :) I've lost many, many friends due to how I feel because I can't hang around people whose actions don't let me world move smoothly, with confidence in my surroundings. If I'm not comfortable, I'm not comfortable.

I actually don't want to be around too many people. I don't see too much of a purpose to it. I actually consider a lot of things a waste of time --I don't even watch TV. People take up time I could spend learning to improving myself or figuring out the next steps for my career(s) or writing and cultivating my art or... I could get another job to pay these bills. I give my time to people every once in a while, but the problem is, they end up wanting it too often. They just want to do things to be in my presence with no consideration of the other things I have to do and other people who want to spend time with me. It always amuses me that when people are too busy for you, they're simply too busy. But when they're free to hang, you should be free, too. I don't like to waste my time. More so, though, I don't like the things people do. That's the reason I put myself out here. My unborn children mean the world to me. I'm going to show them the path I have decided is right and pray they stray as much as is healthy. Till then, I lock myself in my cave. My daughters will be ladies and my sons will be gentlemen. Ladies, don't invite me out if you plan on being thirsty and distasteful. Fellas, don't invite me out if you plan on being cheap. Everything is so real.

It hurts me to see women degrade themselves and throw themselves at men (which is what most I've seen do) so I don't go out much. I don't take up too many offers to go out with my male friends because we're only going out because you're a male and either I won't invite you over or you shouldn't be in my house so often, so we play this friend game and go out, but that just ends up being an expense for me because A) you can't afford to pay for me or B) You aren't my man --or a gentlemen -- so your ego won't let you pay for me. If you’re a man going out with only enough to spend on yourself, you’re not a man (at least not my kind of man)… you’re a boy. If I don’t have money to go out, I stay home. If I can’t buy myself a drink, I stay home. Even when I offer dinners I rarely/never ask guys to chip in for groceries because I was raised to simply offer if I have, not when I don't. Issues arise when men end up wanting to sit at your table like part-time kings. At least bring wine. Something. I don't have the time, money or patience for friendships and especially not for friendships with lonely/unsatisfied men. Money makes people do and miss out on amazing things.

I'm in my feelings. But someway, somehow, I’ve got to address the conversations people won't have in real life. It gets real lonely when you stop agreeing with the majority of the world. It's also tough when the reason why you stop hanging with people is because you're trying to be a better person and set standards for yourself. But if you feel a certain way, you should stay steadfast in how you feel. I'm not saying how I feel is right, but it's what's right for me and others may or may not agree. I have feelings. I have opinions, I don't necessarily judge but you can feel free to judge me. That's what I do and that’s what I'm here for.

- ELLA

@PresidentELLA - Twitter, instagram & all that.

The Murder of Kimani Gray

2013-03-14T13:09:00.001-04:00

What if every time you walked to the corner store, men stood outside the doors with their hands on their guns? You'd get off the bus or step off the train and they'd be hiding on the other side of the ramp... watching. Waiting. Hunting. Another youth, 16-year-old Kimani Gray, was murdered by America's least trained and most prominent figures of authority. Brooklyn is angry... and you don't want Brooklyn angry. A little over a year ago, we lost Trayvon Martin to a "militia man" upholding the same values, enforcing the same stereotype: Black boys are up to no good.

I'm tired of explaining my pain. "What did he do?" my mom asked this morning. She thinks I like just like to fight fights but she doesn't understand. She's a fair-skinned, Dominican woman with a Black daughter who attended a predominately white high-school and college on purpose: I was there for the education, not the people. I left both the schools with few friends, a proud understanding of who I was and experience of what the majority thought of me based on how they tended to interact with me; with fear. I'm of the darkest complexion in my immediate family; I had a different father. Fortunately, I will resemble my sons and I'll know how they feel. Even more fortunate is that I'm a woman, and an educated one at that. I could escape if I wanted to. I could marry a man lighter than myself in an attempt to "save" my sons from the pain of being Black. I see the excitement in foreign eyes as they fantasize whether the animal within me could satisfy them better than their own. For me, that's out of the question. Another option: I could move to a "nicer" neighborhood and find a brotha who has also "espaced" the hood --who lives in a world of forever college with white girls and kegs where they'll never be taken home to daddy and they're too inebriated to care. I don't have anything personally against those brothas... they're just not made for me, obviously. Issue is... my type die before they reach 18. Our government is always at fault.

I currently live in East New York, Brooklyn because it feels like home. Because when my friends show up unannounced at my place trying to fix my car, my neighbors stand in their doorways and let them know they're being watched. "The lady next door..." Carl said. My starter gave out and he was in my car double checking. "Yea. Miss Mary. She's watching you." I live in East New York because it's a place where the people protect themselves better than they can be protected. I know that if I need anything, I can knock on my neighbor's door. I know that calling 911 won't really help because they don't really want to.

"Can I speak to you outside?" I had just gone to get my Vin verified for the second time. And for the second time, they wouldn't help me. I'd even gone to another district, but they wouldn't help me because I didn't live in that part of Brooklyn. Meanwhile, I was taking time off from work and I had neither the time, nor patience, to deal with a dog in uniform who wanted to abuse his badge to have private conversation. "That's a dangerous neighborhood," he started. He'd asked where I live and what I do, but I simply couldn't piece together what they had to do with my car's vin record. He'd seen the BMW parked outside and had come to "warn" me someone might hit it leaving the parking lot. "I'll move it," I said getting up to leave, but instead he pretended to want to help me.

"I like where I live."

What I know well is that men in uniform are still human men. They have no real authority. If you believe in the things I believe, you know that no law of man is above that of God, so if ever I need counsel, I retreat to solitude to pray. "I'm just trying to tell you," he said beginning his lie. What he was really telling me was that he was scared of the neighborhood. That said, I'm not sure how he thought he could help me. Maybe if I had a big bad (but really frightened and frail) officer around, I'd feel safe? I hated the sight of him and he had no idea how long it took me to gather the strength to step into that station, wading through my own disgust and disdain for that profession and anyone who considers it. I know they're still people... but there's something about getting paid to point pistols at your fellow man and locking them in a cage that doesn't sit right with me... and I don't understand how it sits right with anyone. Just because yours is a uniform I recognize, it doesn't make me comfortable. White America's Eagle is bordering on a swastika for Black America. Except now, the New-age Nazi's will let you join especially if you're a shade of brown -- for a tax break and to avoid lawsuits. From all the movies I've seen, the best overseers in the deep South were always Black.

"I'm not here for that. I'm here for my VIN. Thank you," I finished the conversation for us only to have him catch and attitude and stomp back inside... leaving my VIN still unverified. Meanwhile, police officers would walk through the doors smiling with their heads held high, one hand on their pistols, the other on the cuff restraining their prey's arms behind their backs. Their conversations are only about what happened last night. Always about the hunt and the spoils. There are no conversations about making the world a better place. No one says they're glad the other is safe. They just come in with their prized pistols and their chests sticking out because they happened to make it through another shift. But you know what? If you go out enough times looking for trouble, you're gonna find it.

Historically, it has been the Sojourner Truths and Harriet Tubmans who were able to navigate the world, pulling their men through the trenches. This, though, is not an easy load to bear. It takes strength and courage to fully realize the weight of the world on your partner's shoulders and help them to carry it, even when you don't have to. But every time I look in the mirror, I know my sons will look just like me. I'll defend them today, before their births, just like I will until they put me in the dirt.

America is not okay. We have all of these missions overseas and give a Hip-Hip artist a Grammy and the world thinks we are oh so accepting. Now, your zip code just matters more. Meanwhile, gentrification is forcing God's children out of Jerusalem. A friend came over the other day and I sat him at my kitchen table, praising Brooklyn --East New York, specifically --to the highest. It was a glorious day and as he walked to the end of my block and looked up and down the boulevard, I feared him. This is people's home. You don't get to come in here and enforce living the way you think it should be lived. You shouldn't move here if you don't like the people next door. Or upstairs, or down the hall. That's why I moved out of Harlem. Too many people moving in for the low price who wish you would leave so they can take your apartment. I look out for my neighbors and they look out for me. I fear bringing in faces that look like ours but care nothing about the people -- like the two officers, one Black and one Hispanic, who gunned down Kimani Gray. The two officers are now on "administrative duty" because, obviously, when you wear a uniform and hold a badge, murder is excusable and killing a child has no affect on your conscience.

Kimani was a 16-year-old boy... and looked like it. You can call him "Mr. Gray," Like the New York Times does, but by our legal system --and by his photos -- that was a little kid from around the way named, Kiki. Call him, Kiki... it stings a little more when you remember he's a child. "The teen was with a group Saturday night, but left when he saw police in an unmarked car, police said. Authorities said he was acting suspicious and plain clothes officers approached him," reported the Huffington Post. So... if you were a teenage boy in East Flatbush, and you saw two men sitting in a car, watching you... what would you do? I would leave, you? If they then got out of their cars to approach/follow/chase/hunt you, how would you respond? Remember, they weren't in a police car, and they're not in uniform. Would you know they were police? Would you shout for help or defend yourself exactly as you are prepared to? Neither... you would probably get shot 7 times by men trained to shoot. & They don't just take you down, they make sure you stay down.

From the New York Times:

The autopsy report on Mr. Gray did not specify which of the seven bullets caused the death of the teenager; that determination awaits further investigation.

One bullet entered his left shoulder in the rear; two other bullets struck the back of his thighs, one in the left thigh and one in the right. Two bullets struck from the front, hitting his right thigh; one bullet entered his left side, striking his lower rib cage; and the last bullet hit his left lower forearm...

Mr. Gray’s revolver was loaded with four bullets, the police said.

From the Washington Post:

Gray, whose pictures show him sporting beads worn by Bloods members, was arrested on almost a dozen charges since turning 16 last year. His arrests include grand and petit larceny, possession of stolen property and inciting a riot.

& you're telling me no one recognized this boy? He was arrested a dozen times and these wonderful law-enforcement agents never took the time to sit with him? Why was he in the streets? No reason? Cuz he's Black? Because that's what these kids do? You can't wear anything anymore without it being attached to a gang. What if they just match his outfit for the day? If a white boy wears red beads... does that make him a gang member? What outfits do people wear when they go slaughter classrooms full of children in the middle of Connecticut? I question those arrests. I know about charges... because I've had my own. 46 arrests (mostly disorderly conduct --I know that one & so did MLK Jr.) were made at a vigil for Kimani on Wednesday, March 13th. I have a question though, why did police need to be there? In riot gear? If they were remorseful, the should have brought flowers.

From the NY Daily News:

The protesters eventually backtracked to the vigil site where the parents of Ramarley Graham — an unarmed teenager fatally shot by police in the Bronx last year — were waiting. “It never seems to end,” said Frank Graham, Ramarley’s father. “The community has a right to be angry.”

But City Councilman Jumaane Williams, a frequent NYPD critic, blasted outsiders who he said escalated tensions. “Please stay the HELL out of our community will only agitate our kids,” Williams fumed on Twitter. “It’s dangerous and counterproductive.” "

I agree with one revision: Stay the f*ck out of our community. It's like a permanent state of war out here. Why do police officers have to patrol the streets? Who are they protecting? It's not that we are afraid it's that they are. They like to approach people living their lives because they live them differently than they do... they call us suspicious because we dont trust you and you can see it on our faces. Frequently, in these neighborhoods, you'll find people are less afraid to fight back. I prefer the Mob to police officers. At least they cared about families. At least they saw people as humans. At least they lived in the area. At least they wouldn't kill children.

You may have no idea what it means to be a Black man. To be hunted. I don't either, but I pray for sons and the strength to have them someday. I also pray for their safety. It's not right here. It's not over. Our sons are too strong, too resilient and too proud. They defend themselves too well. Our country has reacted with fear. There is a silent civil war in this country too many are afraid to speak on and too many would rather move away from to avoid. If other countries knew how belittled and worthless we still feel on our own dirt, they might not trust American forces to establish peace overseas --and they shouldn't trust them. Government is not the end all be all. If they wanted Kimani off the street, they should have yelled over to him from that unmarked car and said, "Young brotha, we're NYPD. Go home." That's all. They should care. Instead... they continue killing our sons and call then "Mr." because respect only comes after death for us.

I feel such sorrow...

Rest in Paradise, KG.

ELLA.

10 Question Survey

2013-03-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

If you have a sec, would be wonderful if you could take our quick survey about Magazine reading habits.

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Why He Doesn't Call.

2013-03-06T14:01:00.003-05:00

Every conversation has its time. On the same token, most conversation just shouldn't take place. If you don't know me personally, you might not know that my phone is off. Like... no phone calls. Like... I only instagram when I've got wifi. I like it because I can't be on social media all the time. I also like it cuz... I ain't worried about nobody. And now I know I never will.

"She ain't got no man," you might think, and you would be correct *shrugs* Seems to me people have certain expectations of what a relationship is... and to some people, its just to have someone to text/call/touch when you get bored or aren't strong enough fight off your animal desires. To me, a relationship is more than that. There's nothing you can do for me over that phone if it doesn't set off an alert from my Chase account app that reads "a deposit has been made". Not having a phone doesn't mean I'm not contacted. I'm just a little tougher to get in contact with than the average female. The delay time between my messages is fairly serious, so the men/people I interact with need a great deal of patience.

In the past month, I've gotten to know who really wants to speak to me. "You're the first person I met who seriously, really does not have a phone," he told me. Every once in a while, our dinner conversation will address how abnormal I am. I told him it's because I was raised by a 22-year-old male. I'm not saying I know everything guys think, but guys are all I know & they tend to enjoy my company --I cook & have a decent jumper. Even more than that, they tend to be real with me which is why I can vibe with them almost immediately and for longer periods of time. I spent my childhood fixated on my older brother. I know what he liked (3 ice cubes in his drink), what he didn't like (losing in video games). What irritated him (heels in the house) and what made him laugh (singing country music). What disappointed him (missed free-throws) and what he looked forward to (me ironing his clothes before he went out, especially if I didn't charge him 5 bucks -__-).

There used to be a particular breed of man. They still exist today, just in smaller numbers. These are men raised by men. Men who understood the world by a particular distinction between themselves and women. This isn't meant to be a gay-bashing post (love who you love) but even in same-sex relationships, there are roles: Manly men are on top. "Imagine me bringing my man home some pastel sweat-shorts," I couldn't help but the bust out laughing as I pictured Easter-egg anything with a matching Kangol. But I grew up in the 90s. My brother created the 90s. Baggy jeans and XL tall tees reigned supreme. This was the most homophobic era of Hip-Hop but it was the era of least confusion. "Are you warm or are you cold?" she kept it coming and I had to agree. I don't want to see my man anything that looks like it should be in my closet. Except hats. And scarves. I'll steal those ASAP. I just want to know who the man is... Still, I understand attire says nothing about a man, but i do believe they think differently from women. Just like Black people and White people think differently from eachother *shrugs* it's not a matter of intelligence, rather a combination of your experiences and they ways you're expected to respond to them. The experiences of our real lives, combined what what people think of us (both expectations and limitations), shape they way our minds understand the world. Men have a different experience than women... I mean... how would yall feel if you bled for no reason every month? Wouldn't you be pissed off? & Ladies, if your Achilles heel was sitting right there between your legs, wouldn't you feel vulnerable? There ain't no particular way to take me out. lol, but that's how I feel.

Females have always been females, the only difference is, girls used to grow up and become women. Stop chasing. Think back to middle school and the girls who sat at the boys table. Back in my day, there weren't too many lesbians in middle school. Today might be different. There were only two reasons for a girl to be at the boys table: she was dating/messing/whatever you wanna call it one of the boys, or she'd been invited due to what was going on. I dated a boy named Jonathan when I was in the 8th grade, for a month. He always wanted me to sit with him, it was awkward for me though I reemeber knowing then that I didn't need to be in somebody's face. In child-like relationships, people confuse love for owenership. That's my girlfriend/boyfriend and they'll go to extremes to both showcase and maintain you. N*ggas will show you off like a new pair of Jays.. & die defending them in some places. The only other time I'd go over to the table was when the boys were rhyming or something funny was going on... or I wanted to trade my lunch for a dollar so I could buy a cookie. Any other time, I minded my business --and the boys love that.

Know your place. It's much more uncomfortable for guys to participate in female conversations because either they don't understand, they're afraid to disagree, they don't want to offend you if they like you, they think we're always right (or at least that we think we do), or they're afraid it's too gay to participate. Honestly, most female conversation is consumed by talking about guys: either liking one in particular or disliking them all together. Chicks tho, will put in their two cents whenever they can. Take sports, for example. I learned to watch sports quietly and let whoever is better comment more. I also watched with my brother and whenever my mom would walk in the room he'd grumble real loud and throw his head back in agitation. & when she stepped in front of the TV, he almost went insane. During movies, he'd give the "If you guys are gonna talk..." and then we'd laugh before quieting down. A man does just want you to sit there. And look pretty. It's not that you shouldn't have anything to say, but sometimes... he wants to run things. & it's not that you should always be dressed up, but he wants you to be beautiful (in his eyes, no make-up). He wants to be the king and if you want him to act like it, you should let him be king. Never fear, as long as you are a better woman you can put him in line if ever he steps over, but when you do so, do so like a queen. Retreat to your private quarters and address the matter. Allow the king to say his piece and let him know, respectfully, where he might have gone wrong --how he might have made himself look to the people --and perhaps how he's made his queen look. The real purpose of having a queen is that she is the only person who has real quality time with the king. She's also the only one who can truly appeal to him on a personal level. She's the only one who has true access to him.

Don't abuse your power. If he loves you, when you call, he'll answer. If he's not answering, there's a reason. He's probably busy. Maybe he's with his friends and yes, when's with his friends busy, he's busy enjoying himself. He's probably making jokes. Reminiscing. Toasting. Roasting. What if there are girls there? So the f*ck what? So if there are guys where you are, what are you doing? Remember be better. If you're swayed by the presence of the opposite sex, and so is he, you guys shouldn't be mad. You should probably just talk about it and find a happy medium since you have that in common. You grab the doorman & he'll do the waitress. You shouldn't be worried about what your man is doing so if you are you might need to let that fool go. Either that, or clean up your own act. If you can't trust him, why are you with him? You don't know if he's cheating. Asking your friend (who's just forgiven her boyfriend for cheating) won't help you. Accusing him does nothing but cause an argument and showcase your insecurity. Are you going to trip out every time he misses a call? Because that's stressful. Ok. Maybe there's a reason you trip out... but if you keep tripping & he keeps giving you reasons & if you're always stressed... why do you stay at it?

He loves me, says the dummy. No one who loves you causes you stress. No one who loves you makes you worry. As I said in my last post, "On Staying Faithful," loving your man/husband is like loving God. It's not easy, but you love him without falter even through the toughest of times. Your fear and doubt just show your lack of faith in Him. It's why Eve was made for Adam. That's why we give our complete selves to our partners; we find our purpose in love. You are a part of him and all that he needs to be complete. But you are only a part of him. He has a whole life outside of you, and you should have one outside of him. "You text me while I'm at work, but I'm working. & then it's like... if I'm not at work, I should either be on the phone with you or on my way to see you." I felt bad for him, but I understood. When a woman falls in lust (It's rarely love. Love is reciprocated. If you're questioning, that's lust) she automatically marries the sucker in her head. She's so ready to be consumed by him that she ends up getting him for everything he's got --sometimes it's money, sometimes it's love. Sometimes you're on that man's back so much, he has to prove that he loves you. And if he feels like it's never enough to satisfy your desires, he deems himself not enough --you've worn him out. Give him a break. You can't completely ignore him but you've got to be a little bit of a chase at least. Remember the benefits of Making Yourself Inaccessible because The Men who Like you are a Mess. You don't have to always be there (babysitting), you just need to be there when he needs you. & if you love him, the key is to support what he loves as if you love it yourself. This method goes from his hobbies to how he loves his family. His hobby is your hobby. His mother is your mother.

The best method is to take your time. We're all adults so you can save your bedroom debates for however your heart feels personally, but (as an older, wiser me) I would recommend holding that off, too. Forever is a long time. If you're irritating him already, he's afraid it's going to stay that way. If the irritation grows, he's just worried it's going to get worse. We all talk about how we want our significant others to be our best friends, but we don't treat them like friends. Friends give each other space. Friends give each other time. They give each other space. They also don't sleep with each other *shrugs* Girls tend to treat their female friends like girlfriends with I love you's and all that, but I think men do "friends" better. I don't want random hellos. I don't want my time wasted. You might send your man a "Hello :)" for no reason, but I don't need that from my friends. I don't like good morning texts from strange men & I kind of don't like good morning texts at all anymore. People get so hype getting a good morning text from someone who slept elsewhere. When we move in together, that's why you can roll over and say good morning & I'll say it back silently ;)

Your relationship should be real life, not text-based. Some people sit and chat all day on text message but have nothing to say in person. You sit and kiss ass reply after reply. It's easier to pretend you like someone over text. Get that person in public and see how they act. You can't tell if a guy holds the door open for you via text message and *drapes coat over your shoulder* isn't the same thing as in real life. Just wait until you see him. If you love someone, it's so much better to be by their side. Text messaging becomes a bore unless you're saying "I'm coming over," or "Be ready by 10." And if someone has a phone to their face all the time for you, what are they really doing. Get a job. Or a hobby. Only children have that much free time. When I come home from work, I want to relax. As a grown ass woman, I want someone to relax with. I don't need conversation for the rest of my life. I really just wish you'd "Just Shut the Fuck Up Sometimes" -- that will get you your man. As much as you need someone to hold a conversation with, you need someone who can just be... and who'll listen when you need them too. Men need that just as much as we do, in that we are no different. They might actually need it more. Men are a quieter crowd. They get loud on drunken nights, but groups of guys don't really sit and talk about their emotions. You can only imagine how much your man has built up inside him. The trick to knowing his secrets isn't to pry and ask and say, "I'm a good listener." The key is to actually be a good listener. Take your time. Earn his trust. Be his friend. Some people just want to know your secrets... some people want to know you. Allow him his space and encourage him to respect yours.

People don't know how to act anymore. We're so confused on how to act with one another that friends treat each other like they're dating --calling for no reason and "checking in" --and people who are dating speak to their friends about their relationships instead speaking with the person they are in a relationship with. I'm not saying I'm 1000% right... everyone feels differently unless they're a match made in heaven. If you're having an issue with a person, speak to them directly. (Using the King & Queen techniques I outline earlier.) You can't possibly think you can fix a situation without informing the other person. You can't ask someone else how your man feels. Ask him. The biggest mistake women make is asking other women for advice. If that h*e knows all the tricks, she might be able to keep your man better than you can & you might be giving her reasons to think about it. You need to be you and that is how you get your man. If you're a talker, go ahead and be a talker... you'll find a man who loves you for that, but he's not going to deny it's annoying, he just doesn't mind it because it's you. If he minds... he's not the one for you and it really is that simple. *shrugs*

You've got to be yourself from the very beginning, keeping in mind that's how your relationship will be. I don't like anything that doesn't last forever. I don't like good morning texts because they stop. I hate the beginning of relationships when people are so all over each other and then they get tired of having to do extra. In my opinion, if you're not going to do it forever from here on out, don't do it at all. That's how the dating and the flowers and all that stop. If your with someone every day and you text them every hour on the hour, you'll notice when it changes. And things shouldn't change. If they do change, it should be for the better. So start him off slow. Get yourself a good pace and allow room for growth. If you want this to last forever, you've got to act accordingly. Spread out what you've got to give. Make it last forever.

If it's right, you've won the gold by simply being you. If he doesn't appreciate you, there's no excuse, he simply doesn't & you have to admit that to yourself and find someone who does. You don't need to worry or check in or wonder if he's thinking about you. Simply because he's found you, you have no need to worry. He doesn't want anyone else. Sometimes he can't pick up the phone; don't trip. Send him a text message (just one) and he'll get to it as soon as he can. If he delays, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, that means... it's just the way life is sometimes. Delays happen --and they should. Take your time when you're liking a guy, cuz if he feels like your feelings are too intense, it's pimp or die. & it's actually the same for women. Soon you'll understand.

oh... & the music he vibes with most, is what he vibes with most.

So if it's b*tches and h*es, that's real.*shrugs*

Single as I wanna be :)

Buena Suerte,

ELLA <3

Questions.

2013-03-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

3.5.12

Exactly one year ago I thought....

How quickly are you supposed to love someone? In reality, you should love everyone all of the time, shouldn’t you? Especially when you don’t. Especially when they need love more than you do. I’m always falling in love. *Shrugs* it’s nice. Tough. But nice. I give life a fair chance, but give niggas very little. I allow everyone to give me their best shot. The best of some is just... sad. I’m not sure who some niggas think I am. It can’t be who I am. They can’t have read not one of my posts --even though that’s how they met me. That I find disrespectful. When someone you have an intimate connection with loves something, you support them in that. 1000% percent. If you don’t, what kind of connection is it?

What do people do when they chill? I know what dinner is.Lunch. A movie. Coffee. I don’t know what chill means & I apologize if I ever made it seem otherwise. You pretend to be involved. You pretend to want to. I don’t want to chill. I don’t want some nigga with nothin to say to come in my house and sit on my bed. I don’t mean to be like that with him all the time. He brings it out of me. My attitude differs depending on who I’m speaking to, and I can really only deal with but so much of so many people. He works my nerves. And I wish he’d take the sacks out of his boxers before coming into the house. He's there for a purpose. This is business, let's do it well. Let's keep it that way. It’s just simple shit I don’t like about him, really. Issue is I don’t prefer his presence to anything. I never want to see him. There’s no desire for his company. I don’t have a desire for too many people.

Who really matters? I missed my mom today. That’s big. See, I don’t really miss people. My childhood was based on the idea that death is the only thing that keeps people away. Eventually, you come back together with the people you love. My father died when I was 9 months old. Death wasn’t a big deal to me. I just understood it happened. My mother never sugarcoated anything with me. She never lied. She just took her time having conversations with me. She did a good fuckin job.

You know what a woman’s money is for? In case. A man should have enough money for himself and his family --wife included.

Who are you to say this is a poor ending?

It’s impossible. My thoughts are rich. I have a wealth of knowledge.

If you understand, I hope the gods bless you.

If you don’t, I maintain the same.

On Staying Faithful

2013-02-27T18:39:00.002-05:00

Corinthians 7:8-11

If you ever hear me pick up the phone and say, "Wassup, yo!?" it's probably my mom. & If I'm speaking to my mom, the very last thing we'll speak about is my "dating" situation. Nobody I know gives a damn who's in my bed -- except for Duchess.

It's not that I don't meet men, it's that I meet too many. They come via whatever network will allow them to filter in. Having my phone cut off has been a blessing. I meet so many guys after I perform/model who'll want to talk about "doing a track" or something, but when I tell them to email me, I never hear from them. When I used to give out my number, all I'd get would be "hey" messages distracting me in the middle of my work day. Now, they just tell me to check my DMs or my inbox so they can privately ask me things they don't really care about. I've been thinking lately about the opportunities I don't allow. Maybe I'm tough to get to. Maybe my expectations are too high, but... I want to be dated. I don't want to pretend you're interested in me so you can squeeze in conversations about how amazing you think I am, hoping to add on "in bed". I know what you want. Enver's little sister ain't no dummy.

So what if I'm waiting for perfect? Losers never see the finish line. What would they know? Right now, as I broach a quarter century, I just haven't gotten what I need and the issue is simply that I know what I deserve. At this point, some would say my standards are too high. They might even tell me that perfect doesn't exist. Maybe they'll say I'll be alone the rest of my life. "They say there's a shortage of Black men, but there's a shortage of Black women, too." CJ always says the right thing and has gotten me through the toughest of my times lately. "Either he's blind or he's whack," he said of my latest run-in with lust.

I believe it's all lust till there's a ring on it. The same way some claim to be single if they're not married, I feel like, I don't love you until there's a ring on it. It's not the point of the ring itself, but if we're not committing, what exactly is this for? I feel like most sh*t is a waste of time. I sat in bed last night and tried not to fantasize. I tried to be thankful for a warm bed to sleep in & realized that what people yearn for most is simple company. We just don't want to feel alone. Luckily, Duchess refuses to sleep alone, so I never have to. Every once in a while, I'll shut the door to my bedroom and sleep alone --I need my space --but then I realize that... that's my b*tch. She just wants to be up under me. She loves me. She wants to be with me every night. If I sleep in late, she'll sit still in hopes I don't get up to leave. She hates when I go to work. That's what love is, it's how you want to start and end your days.

"I don't understand how you're single. You're saying all the sh*t that'll get you wifed up," he pretended. I'd said I want a man to sit his ass down and pay the bills. I'll cook. I'll clean. But I don't want to do anything else. I don't want to work anymore. I've already worked far too hard. People don't seem to understand how difficult it is to be an employed business woman with hobbies. I don't know when I'm allowed to rest. I try, but there are so many things I'd rather do aside from the things I have to do. My life is a half mess... what I need is for someone to take care of that for me. If they can't... we're not going to both just look at the mess. You can go sit down somewhere. I might as well manage it on my own. Funny thing is... when a man is told he can just sit, he doesn't want to do sh*t else either. That I can't deal with. The point of taking the domestic things off your plate is so that you can do something else. I, personally, think women fucked up wanting to go to work. I'd sit home and raise my children. F*ck a paycheck.

The most difficult part of being me is controlling my ego: It's huge. I'm a queen & you can't tell me any different. I decided that God made me perfectly. The way I love God is how I should love my husband. The way God loves me is the way I deserve to be loved. I am not a perfect being by everyone's definition, but I am perfect being myself. The man who loves me will love me exactly the way I am. In his eyes, no other will compare. Faith and devotion are particular & I've begun to understand it better by working on my spirituality. I've had to understand how I love God. I drive myself half-insane reading scripture about what a wife is for. I've started going to church again. I found one by my house I enjoy. I go to St. Fortunada on Linden in Brooklyn. It's about a 5-minute walk from my house to my 12pm, sit-down-stand-up mass. I come home, take Duchess for a walk if the weather's nice, then try to find time to clean & cook whatever I'm eating for lunch the rest of the week. (Lentil Soup coming soon!) I consider my Sundays one big work-out. & there's the other problem: I like to cook rice, so I'd want him home. I'm only 24. Part of me wants to play wife & part of me just wants to play. I'm too far removed from the physical, but I can't be forced to do anything. When I cook, it's because I want to. When I clean, it's because I want(have) to. I don't like to have to do anything for anyone. It's really my ego.

"It's not time," I told CJ. I'm not ready for a real relationship. I'm still selfish. I'm still concerned about myself. I still don't trust n*ggas. Sometimes, I feel like I hold myself back. The rest of the time, I know it's true. I want too much, and that means I'm not ready. What I really need is for somebody to pay this rent. Or this car note. Or these school loans. The issue is, I have too much responsibility on my shoulders to carry another --or to waste time entertaining. I've decided that as long as I need somebody to pay my bills, I'm better off single --unless he wants to pay them. I just feel like joining in a partnership should be beneficial in all areas. & I can't help him out either. Right now, I can't just do it for the love. What men fail to realize is that every dinner, every gift, ever new bra and panties set, costs money.. but I mean... if you buying groceries, I ain't complaining. If not, I don't have the patience. I need a buffer. I need to be able to completely ignore someone and say, "that's not his responsibility"... otherwise, he'll be in the house while I sing Bills, bills, bills at the top of my lungs. I know me. I'm not nice.

I currently avoid most interactions with men. I don't think it's safe. Most men don't know me, they simply fall for the idea. They claim they like me, but they're just shocked I'm an actual individual & that I speak my mind. That I don't just agree and giggle -- although I do agree & giggle. I don't think my readers are this way... but most females are birds. *shrugs* If you don't know what a "bird" is... I mean... scatter brain - the origin of "Chicken Head". Pigeons. If you really want to know why I don't look for much female company... it's just not the kind of company I want. As sweet as most females are, they're not nice. & they're not concerned. & they are jealous and envious and all that. So I don't associate. Why would I hang around so many females? I like men. I'm am actually an excellent catch, so I'm not worried. It's just that big fish takes a lot of strength to reel in. The best fish are out in the middle of the ocean. If you want it, you've got to come all the way out for it. There should be no fear when you pursue me. It should be a calm interaction. I just need things to happen a certain way because if it doesn't feel right, it simply isn't. I've stopped having conversations about relationship with people in relationships... I've noted what's perfect for me isn't perfect for them... but that doesn't make me wrong. It sure as hell doesn't dissuade me.

I come off as stronger than I am. I worry. I doubt. I question. I ask CJ. That's where faith comes in. Cuz then I pray... Now I'm just trying to learn to pray first. Sometimes religion or spirituality aren't necessarily factual, but they provide guidelines so that you can live your life in the most peaceful manner. God helps me do that. I've just learned how to put my complete trust in Him even when I feel like He's f*cking with me. I need to know that He loves me in the moments I feel most alone. I need to know that I'm never actually alone. I've come to understand that the same would apply to a husband, if things are right. I mean... just like a nun, God is your first husband. Call me crazy, but it helps me sleep at night and He wakes me each day. It is hard to trust another person, but trust is the ultimate characteristic of a positive relationship --whether friendly or romantic. Through the good and the bad. Kind of like how God tested Job, but Job remained faithful. It is the job of us all. You should be able to trust that person with your life and even the times when they let you down or test you, you need to understand it's because they're scared, too. "You give a hoe space and she acts up," I explained to CJ. That's why we need to let people roam. That's why God gave us free will. If you want to stray, you can. If you want to leave, you can. But you will know that there is no better feeling than when you give yourself completely to Him. Grass is green everywhere... but if you know enough, you know that some places never see winter.

Everything is exactly as it seems;
Pretty pictures from a movie scene.
Damsels in distress,
Knights with courage.
Dragons,
Demons,
Dungeons.

Helen warring.

Pick what you live for,
or what you die for.
No need to cry cuz,
What are the tears for?

And what is fear for?
That's not what I'm here for.

I'm here to be the epitome of Free.

<3 ELLA

Reflection 2.24.13

2013-02-24T16:07:00.001-05:00

Just my thoughts... Just how I was feeling at the time.

My videos are all a hot mess, but you're free to browse my YOUTUBE by CLICKING HERE.

State of the Union 2013: Partners with Rivals #Reflection

2013-02-20T12:07:00.001-05:00

My spirit is tired of this country. Still, I won't abandon it. As usual, the state of this country is molded around those who want more, but don't want anyone to have more than they do. Obama presented his 2013 State of the Union speech with great emphasis on " a rising, thriving middle class." Seems mediocre is the best way to live.

Our President explained that we, as a country, must make strides "on behalf of the many, not the few" by "put[ting] the nation's interest before party." I understand the tone beneath it all, but the "few" he speaks or are government officials/ the rich. I understand working for the greater good. I understand Democracy, but I don't agree with casting off the other few - the poor. For a country that has, "In God We Trust" printed on its currency, I can't help but to quote from the book:

When you refused to help the least of these,

my brothers and sisters, you refused to help me.

Matthew 25:45

Until our country fixes its weakest links, it will always be weak and self-destructing. Since I've already started this off in a semi-negative tone, please don't think I disagree with everything he said, or that I'm Anti-Obama. I just understand that he is one person at the head of a unit & sometimes, it takes an ordinary person to consider ordinary people. Obama's address to the union was well delivered and offered various points of improvement for our country. But the beauty of our country is in the freedoms it has granted its people; the same freedoms which have plagued us, in my opinion.

Forgive me, in advance. I listened to the the speech in its entirety, so this is a bit long,

as I have a complete response. What follows is for whomever cares to read.

Thanks <3

President Obama encouraged us all to "forge reasonable compromise where we can" as "the responsibilty of improving the union remains the task of us all". Before broaching anything that has to do with the ordinary citizen, most of these reforms actually have to do with the government officials themselves. Most of this has to do with money and budgeting, but they certainly are attitudes we can transfer onto our daily lives. The reccomendations were as follow:

[Better, more strategic] decisions about our budget.
Everybody doing their fair share.
Shouldn't make promises we cannot keep. But we must keep the promises we've already made.
Always uphold the full faith and credit of the United States of America.
Set priorities and invest in broad base growth.

We need an environmental change. A couple years back, most of the argument was on saving energy and turning everything green. The President himself applauded Americans' efforts in saving energy with electricity and gas. If you make enough money, you can get any make and model vehicle in a hybrid version and install solar panels on the roof of your mansion. "For the sake of our children and our future... we must do more to combat climate change." While the President went on to speak of droughts and heat waves, I think our children are drowning in their own souls. It's not that I don't care about trees (I'm planting some in East New York this Saturday with Million Trees NYC) but I know too many folks going to too many funerals.

We must save our children. "That has to start at the earliest possible age... the sooner a child beings learning, the better he or she does down the road." The Obama administration proposed providing pre-school education to all children. I think this is a fantastic idea. Not only will children learn more, but it'll provide a "baby-sitter" of sorts. This will allow parents the opportunity to work. While, in my ideal world, I would want to quit life and be a full-time and part-time mom, some women don't have that luxury. If they can't afford pre-school, they have to find some sort of arrangement for that child until they're 5 years old and can enroll in kindergarten. This has left many a child running around his/her immigrant grandmother's home with Don Francisco as principal. & there was no mention of after-school programs or more arts in schools. Those have been cut steadily over the passed couple of years and I wonder when they'll come back --or if anyone cares anymore.

"For poor kids, who need help the most, this lack of access to pre-school education can shadow them for the rest of their lives." He explained that changes (or increases) in education can have a heavy hand in " boosting graduation rates, reducing teen pregnancy and even reducing violent crime." I'm all for this program. It's still heart-wrenching that the children of today are still going unaccounted for --lost souls --but perhaps the next generations will be better than we

were. Most of the people I know had the unfortunate experience of "start[ing] the race of life already behind." But... a strong spirit survives.

I was a little uncomfortable with Obama defining the end goal of our lives being to "work your way into the middle class." I don't know what message I wanted, but "Middle Class" doesn't sound as fabulous as they want me to believe. Perhaps because I've never experienced it. Or perhaps because those people aren't perfect either. I'm not sure what I should be working towards. I understand income is important, but it just makes me feel like, as individuals, we are nothing more than how much we make or where we fall on the rich-to-poor scale. I'd rather be a brilliant ex-patriot, writing books on a beach of some beautiful "at-war" country. Living in a shack like the dopest version of Thoreau you've heard of. Obama spoke on continuing to fund scientific research programs and the likes, but I feel like most kids don't have an accurate view of what they can do with their lives. If America is as great as we say it is, I'm not sure mediocrity should be encouraged. Or is mediocrity most of our reality? From the heart of the land of milk & honey, I ask, what kind of life is that, really?

What should be encouraged is acceptance, peace and friendship. I know it sounds corny & I don't know how to write that into law, but unless you reach for ideals, I'm not sure what you're aiming for. When it came to the topic of immigration, the President was brief. He mentioned "stronger boarder patrol" to compliment the "shorter waiting periods" for visas and things like that. He encouraged his office to submit a recommendation for a full-out immigration reform. I applaud this because it's about damned time. I actually don't know any answers to how to solve the immigration issue. As the child of a woman who lived 7 years in hiding, I know how immigration can tear a family apart. As a child of a woman who lived 7 years in hiding, I know what a benefit it is to have an American passport.

Briefly, Obama touched upon the advances made by women in the structure of our society. Biden's Violence Against Women Act (1994), which would call for the immediate arrest of accused parties (and would cover men who are victims of domestic violence) is making progress in congress. There is also the Paycheck Fairness Act (1963) which hopes to ensure men and women are paid equal wages for equal work. It always sets a good mood when acts make progress (both have passed the House of Representatives, but will have to be approved by the Senate before signed into law), but it's the enforcement of these acts that becomes the true testament of leadership. Women are abused and undervalued in our country, as well as the world on a whole. We still haven't been able to overcome being over-shadowed by our bodies. (We are far too beautiful for men.) Paraphrasing the words of the fabulous Beyoncé, we have to redefine what it means to be a woman. Being a woman not a lower position than, nor equal to that of a man. Women have the same importance as men, but we are a different creature, in my opinion. It is time women are counted as strong leaders in our own rights... but it's on us to start carving out that model for ourselves, particularly when it comes to our families.

By "removing the financial deterrents of marriage" and "encouraging fatherhood" Obama hopes to strengthen the ideals of family for Americans. "What makes you a man isn't having the ability to concieve a child, it's having the courage to raise one," he explained. I fully agree, but I feel the same for women. You are a woman for having a child, but being a mother is much more than giving birth. As I watched the Beyoncé documentary last night, I feel overwhelmed with joy for her and her happiness of having a child. But it is this same maternal drive that calls females to have children far too early without understanding what motherhood is. Some men won't be around. Women should be encouraged and strengthened to bear that load alone if they should have to, beyond government assistance. Motherhood should be cherished, but humanity should come first. Being a mother does not dismiss you from the normal world, it simply becomes who you are. I think we need to speak to our daughters as well. Women know how to be mommy's and baby momma's but few have the understanding of what it means to be a wife. Perhaps the current First Lady is our guide as to what this means, but I just wish there would have been more said about it. Every president has his wife sit up in the balcony. The question we need an answer to is, How did she get there?

"Stronger families, stronger communities. A strong America. It is this kind of prosperity - broad, shared, built on a thriving middle class - that has always been the source of our progress at home. It's also the source of our power and influence across the world." America is, indeed a spectacle. It is an honor to be an American, no matter how you slice it. The issue is that Americans are not as united as we seem. In the everything-stew we call New york City, we ride the same trains and shop the same stores, but people will sit next to who they feel most comfortable with. People still cross the street. We might all head into Times Square to do what pays the bills, but come dusk, we head back to whatever neighborhood we call (or reminds us of) home (S/O East New York. Broooooooklllllyynn). For someone like me, that means I go back to the reality of the few who seem too many.

The minimum wage should raise to $9/hr by 2014. It would also be tied to the cost of living & raise accordingly without another presidential mandate. "No one who works full time should live below the poverty line," said the President. This is a big move. To anyone whom it affects, that's big news. To the big guys though, this is just more they have to spend. "We were looking forward to a speech about jobs and I'm not sure a minimum wage increase is a job creation tactic," commented David French, Senior Vice President of Government Relations for The National Retail Federation, the self-proclaimed "voice of retail worldwide." The article in Women's Wear Daily laid out some reactions to the President's proposals, and since that's what lands on my desk, I had to give it a read. The real issue is that it's tough to see things from a level you're not at. Raising the minimum wage might not increase jobs directly, but it might help comebody get on their feet and start making moves to establish themselves and that company they've been working on. They might hire someone *shrugs*. But when your plate is full every morning, afternoon and night, it's diffucult to understand that some people are magicians with the meals they can put together with what's left in the cupboard. I'm one of them. But... I'm not a fan of hourly pay. I think everybody needs a salary already. People shouldn't have to count their minutes to be paid for the work they put in. People should be hired to do a job, and they should be trained to do that job as efficiently as they can. Then, you should pay that person what you owe them. People are too greedy. We need to address the greed in this country. "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you" (Matthew 5:38-42).

"By this time next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over," said the President. But... "There's a war going on outside no man is safe from," said Jay-Z. I've always been against the war because we have issues here at home. Our government is currently "training and equipping the Afghan forces" instead of training and equipping the boys in our own slums. In speaking about gun laws, Obama explained that American police captains are "tired of seeing their guys and girls outgunned." Well, Mr. President, I'm tired of seeing my guys and gals hunted. There are no cops in "nice" areas, and it would be nice if they stayed off my block as well. I mean no disrespect to Hadiya Pendelton, as no child --or person-- deserves to lose lose to frivolity, but... if you lived in a neighborhood like that, wouldn't you carry a gun, too? Perhaps I'm from a different planet (I don't mean to justify violence) but if people are shooting at me, it's my right to shoot back. Maybe instead of hiding weapons and making them harder to get, people should be better trained to use them. Weapons should not be seen as hunting tools, rather a form of defense. We shouldn't fear guns, as it gives them far too much power. I'm taking my kids to the range & teaching them to duck and move.

"Our actions will not prevent every senseless act of violence in the country. In fact, no laws, no initiative, no administrative acts will perfectly solve all the challenges I've outlined tonight, but we were never sent here to be perfect. We were sent here to make what difference we can," the President explained. It certainly is our obligation to lead by example. I'm a real person, so I must make a real comment here: It's always "In God we Trust" but not to "to God we pray." We, Americans, hide behind a pretty white veil, pretending to be perfect,just, accepting, kind and equal, but we tear each other apart within our own borders and then cast out our visitors. I encourage us to take a look at ourselve spiritually, because you can write anything down. Anything can be voted on, but will people act morally? "Our ability to influence others depends on our willingness to lead and meet our obligations," the President went on to say. "America must remain a beacon to all who seek freedom during this period of historic change...We can and will insist on respect for the fundamental rights of all people... We must all do our part to make sure our God given rights are protected here at home." but how? I say, pray.

Towards the end of his speech, Obama applauded Officer Brian Murphy for his righteousness "even as he lay bleeding from 12 bullet wounds." He was the first responder at a shooting at a Sikh Temple where 6 people were killed by the shooter, leaving 3 wounded. "That's just the way we're made," Murphy explained in reasoning his sacrifice. Obama is hoping that this message will transfer on to the rest of society, encouraging us to care for one another and withstand trying times. My only offer to this is a conversation we have yet to speak on --whether or not people feel connected to this country. An "American" from the midwest will raise the flag high above his or her blonde hair and blue eyes with no epithet or introduction. On my side of the country, people of color will tell you they're Black, not American. Even Hispanics in this country will tell you where they're parents are from, no matter how star spangled their own passport is. When people ask me my nationality, I tell them "American", but they don't believe me. As if I can't be. As if this country isn't mine. As if people didn't die for me. Let's be real. We are Americans, but we are treated as second class citizens, at the most. We can't be just American if our skin is too dark and until that feeling changes, you will forever have war within your boundaries. You have people of an undefined nation living on your soil (which is actually their soil). It amazes me that the same folks who built this nation own none of the land. We are not at home here, or anywhere. Until the racial climate of this country has changed, and we have a leader who isn't afraid to speak on the subject, our people will remain in the same rut. I understand I live in a separate America from those who "matter." But... as you all may or may not know, I believe more in Jay-Z than I do any political figure cuz Where I'm From, we say "Fuck Government. N*ggas politic themselves...[so] if I ever blow I'll let them know the stakes and exactly what takes place in the ghetto."

Separate but equal remains. "We may do different jobs, and wear different uniforms, and hold different views than the person beside us. But as Americans, we all share the same proud title: We are citizens," argued the President. "[It's] a word that doesn’t just describe our nationality or legal status," he proposed. "It describes the way we’re made. It describes what we believe. It captures the enduring idea that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations; that our rights are wrapped up in the rights of others; and that well into our third century as a nation, it remains the task of us all, as citizens of these United States, to be the authors of the next great chapter in our American story."

So Mr. Obama, I have a question with a comment:

Why do I have to check a race/nationality bubble if I'm an American?

I think it should be illegal to ask me what I "am", as you can assume I'm human. I don't care what kind of funding a place gets. If they get rewarded for having me, I should be rewarded for being me. It is much more difficult to be me in a place where I don't fit in than it is to pay me to be there. I don't want to be counted on account of the color of my skin. Judge me by my resume and my work ethic just like everyone else, and pay me accordingly. I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted or unappreciated anyway.

"Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America," Obama closed his speech with reverence. & I agree with this last statement the most. We need more God and blessings -- and not just printed on money. But I'll take some of that, too.

So... Ditto,
<3 ELLA

Roses are Red, the Rest are Blue: Valentine's Day 2013

2013-02-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

"So, are you dating anyone?" My brother-in-law came to visit me at work. He wasn't fully there for me & that's why it was so perfect. He's working with a new magazine - galoremag.com -- and was officially on work, but he's never been the type to let work interfere with personal. He's one of my greatest inspirations. If it weren't for his confidence, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I haven't had too many examples of true love. My father passed when I was 9 months old & my mother isn't a big dater. I know it's bizarre that on Valentine's Day, I've started my post wooing over my brother-in-law, but part of the reason I love him most is how much he loves my sister. I met Nick when I was 11. I'd gone to visit my sister for sibling's weekend while they both attended Fordham. "Don't tell Mami I have a boyfriend," she said before I met him. "She wants me to just focus on school." My sister's not been the rebel she pretends to be --she just has the balls to if pushed. Like myself, she accredits much of her thoroughness to coming from where we come from. Unlike me, she was neither born nor raised there --it just happened to be her address. My sister left CF at 14 & we all know high-school defines you. Myself, I am a rebel by nature and by practice. That's why we clash. I'm the only one who can read her. My sister's a tough cookie so, with the 13 years Nick has willingly adored her, he deserves a standing ovation. That said... the man with the strength to take me on will be worthy of a reward... maybe two.

We're a beautiful angry bunch. You should see the pictures of my mom when she was younger. My sister is her exactly, except she replaced the wide Fung nose with the thin Rodriguez. My sister is, plain and simple, gorgeous. She always has been and anyone who thinks otherwise is a pure hater and a certified, professional liar. She's always kept me up. Since I was 5 and she was 14, she's been working to buy me clothes, shoes and books. When she wasn't around, I had the great pleasure of plundering through her clothes. I promise, anything she had, I wore it once to school & put it back before she noticed. Whenever clothes went missing in the house, someone would yell Maaaagggggiiiiee!!! from whereever they got upset and I would have to mentally run through the list of what I had " borrowed". My brother, too. Whatever phase that was when I was wear T-Shirts far too big for me, everything Rocawear was also mine.

My family is terrible at showing affection. Every time I would see my sister, I'd have to force a hug on her. "I'm not a hugger," she told me, semi pushing back. I know she's not, cuz I never was. But... I realized that when you know what it feels like to have never hugged someone and never to be able to, it hurts more than anything. I never really hugged my brother. Not for just anything. Our family barely took pictures together. My mom just found one two weeks ago. The truth is, my family had been separated at a crucial time in our lives. We've gone through a lot together, individually. It'd be a lot easier if we knew each other's stories... but when your siblings didn't grow up like you grew up, you're practically strangers. Still, family is family. & we're a small one: My mom, myself, my sister, and my brother who passed in 06, but that doesn't make him any less part of my unit.

I know what it feels like to be without love. I'd had a boyfriend since I was 14. My first went to South Carolina for a summer and ended up in prison for breaking and entering. Not sure what's up with him, but I know I wasn't #BoutThatLife. After him, I chased everyone's crush from around the way and fell in love with him for a whole summer. He was too much older than me. So much so he wouldn't tell me his age or allow me to tell him mine. I was 15 & he'd been out of highschool a while. Still, we both knew there was something fascinating about a 15-year-old girl who could hold a grown man's attention. I rarely speak to him anymore, but his best friend, Leo, is one of my adopted big brothers --I call him my Fly School Teacher. Leo's not the only one who took me under his wing. I've got cousins and random guys from random places who have a level of respect for me I've never quite understood. Guys have always noticed I'm smart. To make matters better, I played point guard any opportunity I could and refused to listen to anything but Jay-Z. I was my brother's little sister. "No one's been more brainwashed than this one," my sister once told Nick while were listening to music to pick for their wedding. It's not that, it's that I was a little boy. I grew up with my brother. It's why my music taste leans toward gangsta and I know how to behave around men --men raised me.

My brother would have killed for me. Once upon a time, my mother lived in an attic hiding from Immigration. I lived with my brother and his (phony) best friend. This is the same friend who was my sister's ex boyfriend. Luckily, I had had my first kiss elsewhere because he didn't leave me with the grandest memories --just the smell of cigarettes and deceit. At 11 years old, I already knew how to dodge men. How to give them a little bit but avoid the rest. How to keep them at bay. I learned how to save myself. I also learned how to have a kind heart for troubled spirits. My brother would have killed for me and I saved lives by keeping my mouth shut --but holding in the evil of other's, I almost killed myself.

I saw a therapist once a week for my entire Junior year of college. A rough day and couple of warrants warranted me a nice tote on a supremely rolled jay of Washington D.C.'s finest green. Unfortunately, the smell of that fine green traveled all the way down the hallway. Not something you'd expect from your Resident Assistant. My life on the line, the only way I could return to finish my term was to agree to therapy. So there I was, unashamed because fuck it. The truth is the truth and it hurts. After my first couple sessions, I realized that the true benefit was simply being able to get shit off my chest. Sometimes, we hold so much of our personal lives inside and in secret, it takes a hold of us. We feel so tense because the only way to hold strong in that pain is to be tougher than it. It closes us up. I don't do that anymore. I met Sharon Rosa last night when I showed up to a fashion show that had been cancelled (on both of us) but I stayed and spoke with her. We laughed. We cried. We vented. We told truths. It's so freeing to be open with yourself and open up to other because it changes the way you interact and the way you see love. I had met Sharon Rosa for the first time last night, but I am sure I can call her a friend. I know who she is. She told me straight up. I appreciated the respect and did her the favor of being real.

8th grade, smh. That's me on the far right.

I've always been the same person. Seems though, that the outside has changed a little bit. When I was growing up, I felt...black and ugly as ever, however... I've blossomed into quite the beauty. I told Sharon that, not only did I not see myself as beautiful, I didn't allow myself to be. Additionally, I didn't know how to be. If you take a look at the 8th grade photo of me included here, you'll note that everyone is fairer-skinned than me. Most people were. I grew up in a neighborhood full of wavy-haired, light skinned girls. & then I went home an lived with them. I didn't know how to do my hair and neither did my mother. I didn't wear make-up and, if I wanted to, there was none that matched my skin tone in the house. All I knew was basketball and hip-hop --I fit in there. It was a half-mental thing. I was on the outskirts because that's where I thought I belonged, so that's where I was placed.

Relationships are learned --especially the one you have with yourself. It is true that you should be your #1 Valentine. And if you do happen to be involved in something, make sure you're appreciated the way you deserve to be. Actually, as Sharon told me last night, "make sure that man loves you more than you love him." Even when you don't deserve love, you should be loved --because you obviously need it. That's why I love my brother-in-law, because my sister is a stone-cold-bitch --and that's why I love her. She has the guts to be. She has her reasons. & she's actually a magnificent, brilliant, caring and passionate person. She's held my family together. She's one of the strongest women on the face of this earth. She inspires me so much it outweighs my occasional disappointment in her. But my love, my love for her never alters.

Love is always the same. If it wasn't, then it'd have different names. I sometimes wonder why people stay in relationships with people they "fall out of love" with. I'm not sure I understand the purpose. Then again, I don't understand the purpose of boyfriends/girlfriends. If the point isn't marriage, what is it? Friendship? But... what about the physical benefits? Obviously it makes it different, that's why you want to call it something. But no matter how you slice it, a girlfriend is not the same thing as wife --that's why they have different names. People get so caught up in wanting relationships, they'll name anything that makes their stomach turn "love". Come this time of year, people are simply looking for validation. Public pressure is tough, but I'd rather have forever love than just this measly day. Valentine's has never and will never mean much to me. Partly because no boys ever bought me flowers in school and partially because it takes more than flowers on Valentine's Day to get me. I'd like flowers every Thursday, thanks.

I want to be loved forever. Every day matters to me. Recently stopped giving a damn about my phone so I can't get any calls. No one can call me. No one can text me. No one can "see wassup". No one can decide that today is the day to start chasing me, because I was damned good yesterday and I'll be even better tomorrow. Valentine's Day should be a celebration of love --but so shouldn't every Thursday. Sometimes people need a reason to make you feel special --usually because they fucked up and want to get in good. But... reasons are unnecessary in love. So if you need a reason or a scheduled day to show me you love me... you're applying with the wrong Boss. This is full-time, right here. To get overtime, you've got to work overtime. I have the bad habit of loving men too much. I give my all when I shouldn't. I let them see how great it can be without holding back because, when you love someone, your heart won't dare let you hold back. So... sometimes, you've got to disappear for a day or two to test his loyal ground. Keep my dog on a short leash, controlling they growl.

If you aren't celebrating Valentine's Day with a "lover" today, celebrate it with those who love you. My mother has been my Valentine for as long as I can remember. Hers are the only stuffed animals I keep. Love isn't about this one day. It isn't about who you can curl up in bed with. Love is about showing appreciation to those who care about you on the daily. Those who would give the world to you. Love is love by no other name. The day you understand that, your relationships will grow that much stronger because they will be genuine and pure. Consider yourself fortunate to have the time and space to care and love for yourself. Those who want to show you love and admiration will do so regardless of the circumstance --because that's what love is. Love is unconditional. Love is immediate. Love is unwavering. Love needs nothing --not even the other person. Love simply is... is always is. & Sometimes it takes knowing what love is not to in order to know what it is.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I truly love you all <3

ELLA.

A Guide to Victory

2013-01-24T16:38:00.002-05:00

"I'm confused as to what happens next," CJ commented.

"So I am I," I responded with a laugh, because that was all I could do. When you can't cry, you gotta laugh, yo. I went home last weekend both selfish and selfless reasons. My mom fractured her ankle (and traded in the brace for Chinese oils) so I wanted to make sure she sat down somewhere. When your body feels worn, sometimes what you need is love. She's all I've got, so I try to be there for her on whatever level I can. To take advantage of my time tho, I hit my n*gga Harvey --now known as King Cooper -- to see if we could make a track work. I'll be performing again at the Paul Robeson Theatre. Not sure what I want to do yet, but I'm always trying to share the stage with the homies.

I'm from Central Falls and people expect me to forget. The problem is, when one square mile houses all your memories, it's tough to ignore any of them. When I go home, I go to Ultra. Not because it's fancy. Not because it's top of the line. I go there because @djmaxxmajor plays the sh*t I want to hear and, in the years I've been going there, they've never once run out of Henny at the bar. What tops it all off is the respect I get. I'll go anywhere I feel respected & that's why I continue to go home. "I respect your grind," Skeezy said to me. I hadn't spoken to him, in person, for so long, I wanna call him by his government. Katelynn had told me in the car about his comments & I was please it was the ame shit he said in person, he respects my grind *shrugs*. Funniest thing about it all is that we're in one of the most ratchet clubs round our way and instead of men focusing on how my hips sway, the thing they notice most is the way my life moves. I'm noticing more and more how many people pay mind to me. I'm not mad at it. & It doesn't bother me, I just pay closer attention to what I do, than they do. Somebody is always ready to assume something. Or point when you trip.

All my moves are measured, even if they're not. Skeezy and I ignored each other for a good hour (maybe, club time varies). We both know we both aren't pressed to say hello to anyone, but where respect is earned, respect is deserved. I know he was waiting for me to play shady. Or not say nothing. I typically don't say anything because I've had a tough time speaking to him & all of his friends. You see, they not from where I'm from & I ride for my n*ggas. They know it. Everyone knows it. I simply state it out loud & teach everyone I ride with how to throw it up. It's tough for people when they realize how far ahead of the game I am but, when they realize, they're so f*ckin impressed. I've stopped talking so much in person, too. Truth is... if my "friends" want to know what I'm doing, they can read this here blog. But they'd rather not. They only want secrets. People only want to know whatever no one else does. So they can feel special. They want to know you're secrets so they can pretend to know you. Problem is, we give too much of our personal lives to the outside world. There's a way to interact and still handle your own business. If you keep telling your business to everyone you know, you might as well let them handle your life for you.

I was an hour and a half late to work today because I actually ain't on nobody's time clock. My co-workers think I should be at work by 9:30am, and I try, but I had a good night last night. I actually have good nights most nights. We've got this "work/life balance" policy at work that I've really hung to. The issue is, people have different definitions of what "life" is. Me? I need smiles. I can't leave my house until I'm good and ready. I need to be comfortable. I need to be able to move freely and with confidence. I guess it's the same reason I can no longer go places where I'm dependent on someone else for a ride. I'll get there when I've arrived and I need to be able to leave when it's about that time. My favorite places to go out are where there's a decent male to female ratio, comfortable seating and the Henny never runs out (I'm serious about that). The last thing I'm concerned about, when it comes to my life, is another person.

"Our relationship is wack," he yelled over the music.

"I didn't know we had one," I tried.

"What?" he leaned in closer.

"I'm just tryina dance with my homegirls, maaaan," I said mid-spin. I don't know what song was playing but it was immediately my jam. I was amused. He thought he knew me, but didn't seem to understand I just wanted to jab him because I know him. I was 15 when he met me. I say that he met me, because he'd served me a purpose. I was working at Whole Foods, looking cute & pushing carts, and he was working (at... well.. maybe that's too much info) when I walked up to the register and handed him my number. "Call me," I said and walked out. One thing I can say about him, is he followed directions well, at first. I had a boyfriend, but had decided I needed a man, so I was on the hunt. I'd been honest and upfront about it. Neither of them were qualified, but a bored teenage-girl will get herself a green-pushin' boo on the off hours if she has to. Other than having to put him in place when referring to my hood, his only issue was that he ended up calling me one day during school... with my boyfriend. In his house. Crying.

"Y'all both b*tches," was all they heard before I clicked.

Everything is exactly what the f*ck it is. That's why I don't stress anything. Either you accept things the way they are, or you go somewhere more to your liking. I don't fight off much, I just let the world treat me like they want to. I pay close attention and return the same favors. If Sir Thirst had really wanted to be my man back in the day, he should of and would have simply said so. But he didn't. "Every time I see you, it's like I have a crush," he bullsh*tted. Every time I see you I think "b*tch," I wanted to say. It's not that I was acting correctly when I was involved with him, it's that he wasn't. What I wanted was a man who would say, "Stop f*ckin with that lame," and then do his job. Instead he invited the lame over for a venting session. Trust isn't an easy thing to earn. Sometimes, when I wonder why I haven't switched over to females, I remember p*$$ies have no god-d*mned sense.

Epic photo from 8th Grade. #NoShameThough *dies*

"I've never been the cool kid," I told Carl. I always tell him the truth. I'm not sure when people started wanting to be my friend or when exactly I got "pretty" but I sometimes don't recognize the person standing in the mirror. I don't know if this is pretty, but I know people smile at me for no reason. I've been called beautiful, but the exact definition is hazy to me. I'm used to being smart. Articulate. Talented. I used to be short, chubby, nappy, & black. lol. A old school-mate (I call her that because I can't really say "friend" although I never had issues with her, but she's from my hood, so it's all love) posted a picture of us in the 8th grade with the caption "bad asses". I didn't know how to respond. My first thought was, daaammmnnnnnn. I mean, I've grown up quite well. & if you really read me and have glance at "Lingerie Matters," you'll know that sometimes I undress real slow for my own personal enjoyment. I just responded today. Just wished them the best. I don't really have much to say. I know I turned out just fine, but that's easy to see in photos. Still, with blessings, come just as many curses to count.

People think I'm stupid, now. They think I'm some regular h*e working at the mall and trickin off these dudes. They have private conversations, taking guesses at the numbers on my pay stubs. They wonder how I've made it because they lack reasoning as to why I should have. People doubt me. They see me smiling with a Henny and Cranberry (or Jack and Coke if all else fails) and think the poison has infected my spirit. Grown men tell me I look young then reach to hold my hand. Women fear me. I don't know what it is they see, but they straighten up when I walk in the room. Perhaps the less skin you show, the more they doubt your humanity. Still, even in my fishnet stockings and thigh-high leather boots, men shake my hand and salute my work ethic. I make foolish moves that get me ahead because you've got to know when to give and when to take.

I often wonder what Jesus thought. Imagine if every single thing you did, you considered the greater good of the entire world? So here I am. I'm not Jesus, I am myself. Still, I've found the footsteps reliable and follow where I can. The toughest part is understanding that people will follow in the steps you leave as well. You (yes, you) don't know what you're reading yet. "One day, they're going to ask you, because they won't ask me," I explained to CJ. I get a lot of messages through him from the same people who silently friend and follow me on social networks. "And you tell them how I got my King and deserved it." I'm above a whole lot of sh*t. I don't stress. I don't worry. I just went to church for the first time in a long time and prayed for strength. I considered taking the first step towards confirmation (I'm a Catholic. One hour masses? #BoutThatLife) and the sermon of the day was on confirmation and fidelity. I've realized that relationships are relationships. If you are a good person, that is all there is to it. No matter who you're interacting with, treat everyone the same. This way, you can tell the difference in how they treat you. The curse of love is that we forget to expect love in return. & when you remember & are ready to cash in, it's all been given away. You're too late.

I don't want anything I don't deserve. But when one of the most used phrases of our time is "trust no b*tch," you understand I've got quite a battle to fight on behalf of an entire gender. I understand it all, though. Time is truly the only testament. People are cool for a while till they get hot or turn cold. The toughest part of seeing who will be there (and still be themselves) at the end of the day is to wait it out and see. That's what all this sh*t is about. Survival of the fittest, with fittest including unwavering dedication. Is that too much? It's been the church that's helped me understand loyalty to another degree: To myself. If you believe in God, you've got to live righteously in His name whether it feels good to you or not. For your own good! Whether those around you doubt it or not. Some people want to know how long something will "last" but that's just a nice way of asking "How quickly will you give up?" Tricky part of this all is in understanding that once you've given up, you simply chose to lose. When you give up on people, they remember that. My mom made fun of me on the piano once when I was 10 and I haven't touched keys since. I don't put in effort where I don't see anything coming of it. Maybe that's not the same thing, but maybe it is.

& I can't say what I'm doing is absolutely correct, not until I have proof. But when I do, I'll be sure to write about it ;)

To the victor go the spoils.

Best wishes,

ELLA <3

Dating Expectations

2013-01-22T15:25:00.002-05:00

When's the last time you went on a legit date?

Just read this article on NYTimes.com entitled, "The End of Courtship," in which the author, Alex Williams, writes that there is almost no such thing as dating anymore. Once upon a time, a guy would call a girl and ask her if he could pick her up at a reasonable hour and take her somewhere impressive. Nowadays, guys might invite you out for a drink where he's already invited two or three other girls. Alex's article claims that it's due to our generation's "hook up" culture. I say, it has more to do with the fact that most people don't really deserve sh*t and the rest of them don't expect it.

Fact of the matter is, if you don't expect a date, a guy won't give it to you. Times is tough. Not only do most of these fools lack proper instructions on how to treat a lady, they also lack proper funds to afford one. "You can't afford a girlfriend," I've said too many times and bruised too many hearts. On November 3rd. 2011 I answered an Ask Ella post for "How Do I Get Real Dates?" and my opinion remains. The only way to get dates is to expect them. The reason, I believe, women don't get as many dates as they once did is simple: most women don't deserve dates. "Even in an era of ingrained ambivalence about gender roles, however, some women keep the old dating traditions alive by refusing to accept anything less," wrote Williams & I say I've got to agree.

What you expect and what you deserve are two different things unless you've consciously made the effort to make them one in the same. Some relationships are dating based. The two want to be seen out together. Sometimes, it's all a big show. Some n*ggas will ask you out to dinner because you look like the type they'd want across the table from them --that's not always a bad thing. Attraction is a positive characteristic of a relationship. On a very Jay&Beyonce note, it's funnest to go out with people who compliment your look. Going out on dates in important in that that person becomes your partner in crime. You've got to be comfortable with who your partner is on all levels. No... "you rich, take the doo-rag off" or he might turn around and drop you back off --which is perhaps the best thing he could do, since obviously, you aren't of the same cloth.

On the other hand, there's some women like the girl I used to be: Just wanted to be taken out. Just to get out the house. N*ggas get tired of that real fast, though. The truth behind it is that when you don't like someone, they're a lot more bearable in public than when you have to pretend to like them in private. To some, being taken out and having money spent on them is the ultimate goal of a "relationship". But see... when you get passed the original reasons for the date, the dating disappears. When the guys who wanted to sit across the table from you can just as easily do it in bed, or on his couch, you can forget about the dinner table. & then, when you feel emotionally unsatisfied, the hunger will kick back in & you've got to sit back down to lame conversation just to get some food in your stomach. When you've sat down to a meal with someone you enjoy, that person will be likely to invite you back. I know a girl who said she feels uncomfortable "making" a guys spend money on her and I used to feel that same way. Then I realized that money ain't shit. & no matter how much the plate costs, it's really just food. & If spending money upsets someone... you need to wait for them to get in a place where it doesn't. Someone who is unstable financially --and allows that to dictate their emotions for you and actions towards you -- is simply unstable and should be left alone until they've got their sh*t together.

No one wants to waste their time or money --and that's usually what we do in "dating". "Courting" though, rings differently for me. I do believe you need to sit for a meal with that person. If you couldn't eat breakfast, lunch and dinner across the table from that person, that's not the person you need to be there with. Sometimes, we try to make the "right" move with just any person just to see how it might turn out. This is the scary part of inviting a girl out to dinner, not knowing if she deserves it. I understand why most guys are hesitant. & it's not that a hoe will always be a hoe, it's that if that woman doesn't truly love you, she never will. Taking a girl out to dinner shouldn't be a "treat" and it shouldn't be a way in her pants. It should be because she truly deserves it: a night off her feet, to be catered to and treated like a queen. Some men think of this in the complete opposite: If I buy her dinner, will she buy me dinner? & I think this fucks you all up. If you want someone to do the exact thing to you that you do for them, you might be dating the wrong sex, or the wrong person. I am not the 50/50 type. I want each person to do their own jobs. If there are things you need a woman to do, you have the right to expect those. For example, if I cook & clean for this fool, he should take out the trash & treat me to a good meal on the weekend.

William's article thinks that nonchalant dating has ruined "courtship". I think it's the same as it has always been... it's just realer now. People just pretend less. Whores and Dogs have "equal rights" now & are closing in on being the majority, if they haven't already taken the crown. If you're sitting and waiting to be cared about, you're ruining life for yourself. I think our biggest mistake is in thinking we cant get exactly what we want. In old times, everyone would act the same way: Respectful. Now, as true ladies and gentlemen are few and far between, They aren't often seen, but they stick out like sore thumbs when they show up. You shouldn't have to force a thing from these fools. What women need to do is sit down and relax somewhere. If a man doesn't want to take you on a date, he doesn't want to. I think men should stick tho their guns. You really shouldn't love these hoes because when a woman gets tired of not being treated like a lady, it only forces her to do better for herself. & real recognize one another... if things are moving slow, it shouldn't be an issue on either part. Ladies, if he's making you wait, give him the same honor. If you force that date, you've forced everything. Now the link is unnatural and set to fall apart eventually. As years go one, women get all this freedom but can't mentally free themselves. You're ability to study and progress as far as your male counterpart isn't set to distract you from him, rather to prepare yourself for a better him. Now you can relax and move with ease. You don't have to marry early because there is so much that you can do for yourself as an individual. And when that time does come, you can choose to be with that person at your own choosing. You can lead with your own heart. It seems like all the pressure has been "lifted" so we've put it back on ourselves.

When you allow a man to "court" you, you force him to prove to you that he wants you most. Without your having to say say, who will make you the happiest? Therein lies the true keys of love and happiness. To truly love and care for someone, you should do for each other what needs and deserves to be done without having to force/think/hesitate. Love is love is love. So if you're sitting waiting for a guy to invite you somewhere, truth is, he doesn't want you there. Allow men to court you. To prove themselves worthy. When you stop forcing or expecting, then you'll see who is willing to do what.

Question 1: What will you do without my having to ask?

Question 2: How long will you keep it up?

Reevaluate ladies.

Everyone knows we run the world.

Act like it & get yours.

ELLA <3

Male Whores Galore.

2013-01-15T17:31:00.001-05:00

"Used to tell they friends I was ugly and wouldn't touch me. And then I showed up in that dubbed out buggy. Then they got fussy and they don't remember that...and I don't remember you." Jay-Z - Song Cry

The thirst is super real. I've been to a couple of showcases and open mics lately and I swear it keeps getting thirstier out there. N*ggas go from asking me my name, to if I "have a man". "You married," they like to ask. Little do they know, I wouldn't date a man who doesn't understand that marriage would mean a ring on my finger. If he doesn't care to look for whether or not the ring is there, I ain't counting on him to put it there either.Perhaps the reason men end up dating whores is because they "wanna get to know" anything walking down the street.

I haven't talked about my "love life" for some time, but it seems that's all people care about. I wish people would mind their business. When I talk about how my puppy thinks my bed is hers, people only want to talk about how I'll handle having a man in bed. You see... that's the problem. When you think of me and my bed, all you want to know is who's in it. When I mention the museum, no one cares who went with me.

"I mean, you beautiful. I wanna get to know you," follows me everywhere. "That don't say sh*t about me, hun. Have a nice day," is the only way I can respond. The worst is when they ask for my number to "talk"... aboooout whaaaaat? It's terrible in this industry, too because niggas will pretend to respect you and invite you events and all that, but get you in a private conversation and try their hand. Perhaps we do need stronger gun laws cuz these n*ggas are likely to test and I'm likely to respond. I'm rarely alone with men. There are few I trust private conversations with. I don't trust private conversations period, but when n*ggas lie, things end up worse. Even if nothing happened, guys do go by the guy code... and if they think the homie hit it... he might as well should have. You can ask about me... I truly don't play games, but when I do I play them well. It's funny cuz I'll get on stage and give them a "f*ck niggas" verse, and then they'll try to run game on me --wife me even (in hood terms, no ring). N*ggas just don't listen.

Am I wrong from wanting someone to want more from me? Really, I'm saving you from hell. I'm terrible. I'll empty all your accounts and forget your name. You have no idea. It's in me and I consider playing games all the time. N*ggas have gotten even more thirsty now that they see me pull up. I've got a new b*tch and her name is Kim: a 2006 325i from Mac Cars in Delaware. She's pristine aside from a broken cup holder (thugs). N*ggas damned near drool when they see her and women do too. I remember when my brother first bought his Tahoe. I told him to watch out for how many new friends he would have (I was probably 16 to his 27. As much older as he was from me, he taught me to be real.) I have just as many friends now as I used to tho. I don't try and chill cuz I can. I'm as dolo as I've ever been and happy to be so.

Every time I go through my list of accomplishments, I'm proud I've done it for me. #RealShit, the longer I hold off, the more my stock goes up. I don't need a man to validate me. What I need is a man to stand beside me. Sometimes, we keep people/things by our sides just to say we have them. I meet a lot of guys. Especially now. Especially fake ballers who I could gas just to spend all their bread. I saw a handsome fella in an all-white 4Matic the other day and I've been known to approach and get what I want... but then I realized all I wanted what his car. What it seemed like he could do for me. That n*ggas don't know me tho. I didn't know him either. So I threw Kim in drive and lit my black & mild. Truth is, I'd rather eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all week than to pretend I like somebody for their money. The shit ain't worth it. It's stressful. I'd rather be alone. I don't like most niggas. They just weren't made for me. If I don't love you, I don't love you. I know that's a strong emotion to have, but shouldn't it be? The thing about love... is it's not stressful. It shouldn't take thought... nor emblems.

At the end of the day, these n*ggas aint no better than b*tches. People are trifling. They want to take advantage of you. They want whatever they see just to say they've had it with no real intentions (unless they have hidden intentions). They're thirsty and just want to be up in somebody's face so they have something to Instagram. I got better shit to do than to worry about a human dog. Duchess already eats my shoes, but at least that b*tch is loyal. So this is a short post because I really don't have the time to worry about n*ggas. Get Money, yo. lol.

M.O.E

<3 ELLA

The Truth of It.

2013-01-15T16:35:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you just wanna give someone a swift jab to the face. The reason is secondary, but the emotion remains. It's just so hard to deal with people. Always. All of them.

The first thing people see is what you look like. I'm 5'2 I'm not mad at it. I understand --it doesn't disgust me any less. I performed at The Paul Robeson Theatre this passed Saturday, January 12th (watch the videos here). I made it to the building at about 9pm & walked into the most beautiful faces I know: My family. My cousins are everything I have (If you haven't realized this yet, read my previous post, "XMas Presence"). I have trouble asking people to come out and spend their hard-earned money, so when this passed show came around, I invited everyone with a warning. Unless I can get you in free, I don't "invite". I don't think anyone should. "El quien invita paga," my mother says. He who invites, pays.

Our most fatal mistake occurs when we forget the extent to which other people exist. We fail to see the completeness of their humanity. I don't expect support. Perhaps that's why I value it so much. I know people don't have to take the time out of their lives to watch me experiment with life. My cousin Jay has three kids he never forgets about so neither can I. My cousin Ed is the father of an Angry Birds champion. Aside from their lives as parents, they also have their own lives, careers, responsibilities, partners... everything. They exist outside of me and I respect that. I encourage it. We are individuals and need to lead our lives as such.

Once again, I've come to a crossroad and chosen my path with dedication and might: The right path. By "The Right Path" I don't mean that you should follow my exact footsteps. Actually, that's one of the things that peeves me the most. The world goes through stages and phases and these are the times when anyone with a keyboard is a "writer". No longer are writers those who have piles and piles of notebooks of genius under their beds, they've just got to sign up for a blogger account. No longer does a "rapper" have to love Hip-Hop, their lyrics have just got to meet their "n*gga" and "b*tch" quota. I'm highly judgmental. Especially if you're trying to do what I do. Especially if you're trying to do what I love. I can't count the times people tell me that want to "Be like" me. I always tell them they should just be like themselves. People don't seem to understand how hard it is to be me. "They think you're Superwoman," Carl said. I suppose they do. I need nothing, I have everything and I live in a lair on a cloud. Or maybe I'm Wonder Woman. Or maybe I'm both. Or maybe I'm me and (admit it) you have no idea what that means. Before you want to me, do me a favor and kiss your dead brother's cold cheeks.

Don't you hate pity? I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, instead understand the turmoil and how strong its made me. Our experiences shape us. I hate that I always bring up my dead brother but I really don't give a fuck. See, there has to come a point in your life when you realize that there needs to be a bigger purpose. You need understand that this is not forever. So what are you going to do about it? I'm not here for pity. I'm here to be everything my brother wanted me to be. So you see... I have a bigger purpose. When you sit down and do what you do (especially if you've sat down to do what I do) I encourage you to question yourself as I would question you. Why are you doing that? What exactly is the purpose? I know that some people read my blogs, follow my tweets and peruse my Instagram, but you only see that sh*t that looks good in photos. You don't see when I've got one dollar and the choice is to get a slice of pizza or give it to a beggar and hope God blesses me. You don't see. God sees everything tho. So does my brother. I don't think there's anything wrong with putting yourself on display (Beyoncé's gained some new haters with her February 2013 GQ cover CLICK HERE for photos) but you have to understand why you're doing that. Sometimes, it really just is marketing. But like with all marketing schemes, things get old, unless it's what makes people love you. The most consistent thing in the world is truth. Some people can see through bullsh*t and others can't I'm not here to distinguish the two, rather to be that which distinguishes the two.

I've learned a lot in the past couple of days.

Congratulate those who come in second place.

People aren't going to be you. And that's a good thing. Their existence is necessary to yours. If you want to be the best, you have to have something to be compared against.

Support your competition

People don't want to see you succeed unless you can take them with you. When they think you've joined their team, they'll forget to love you, but never stop loving that. That is what brings you ahead.

Don't be distracted by faux foes

They don't hate you like they claim to. Some people just like drama. To put themselves up against someone else gives them a bit of purpose. Never allow yourself to be concerned with it, it's just a distraction. Keep your head on right. You are alone and that is a virtue, for you hold all of your own power in your own hands.

Do that sh*t

Whatever it is. You'll never get rid of fear, you've just got to force yourself to face it. You never know what'll come of it. Be real and be natural and all else will follow the same path. You don't need to think about things as much you might have thought. Your heart is much more reliable than "they" say. Love is the only thing that doesn't need to be taught (unless its never experienced). Children love before they read.

I am a writer. It's what I do. I hold words like precious stones, stringing them together, assembling my words for ears like jewels for queens. I care. The fact of the matter is, I'm the best at doing what I do. Not because I say so, but because I do what I do with love and there's really no way to ignore it. Replicas will fall apart. it's "Truthful Tuesday," Ms. Mandy me dijo this morning.

If you wonder why I write, why I have this blog, why I rhyme, why I model here are your answers.

I write because I am the best at it. I've been writing since I was 6. Words are the only things that work for me.

I blog because I enjoy the Blogger platform, and I think you all do as well. ELLAthought isn't so that I can tell you how cool I am everyday, it's so that you understand that I grow daily. I have concerns daily. I'm not happy all the time but the energy that I put into the world is positive and I think we should all do the same. I'm not always positive, but I'm always human. I blog for girls/women like me who feel alone most of the time and sometimes are. We feel we have no one to talk to. No one who'll speak honestly. There are thoughts in our heads we think that only we have. I'm here to show that I'm just like you. We're really all the same --especially in the fact that we're not. Additionally, I want to show you that no matter the tough thoughts in your mind, the secrets you've yet to share and the thoughts that keep you up at night, not only can you be everything you want to be, but you can be more.

I rhyme because rhyming is dope. If I were a painter, I'd have ventured into graffiti. But words are my art and Hip Hop is my culture. Music still scares me. & Poetry bores me after a while.

I model because people like to see it. And you wouldn't read my blog if you didn't think I was pretty. You're all as shallow as you try not to be. People read this sh*t because either they love me or hate me. You don't understand how happy people get in pointing out spelling errors as if to jab at my intellect. I let them have that. F*ck editing. I hope you consider me an immiscible so it'll bit you in the ass one day. I'm a f*cking genius. I was just brought up under a curse and called a mistake so I include them in my prose as I've included them in my being.& my being is beautiful. I still don't understand what people see in my and every "like" I get amazes me, to be honest. I've never liked what I look like... but I've begun to force myself. I see my flaws clear as day. I'm trying to get over that.

I don't care because those who love me love me and I love everyone, even if they hate. Take notes from the video before. More people should applaud me.

I want you all to know me. The real me. I have a heart and a family and feelings. I feel fear and anger and loneliness, but mostly I feel love. I feel love for those who love me as well as those who don't. I'm become a better person by the day and God blesses me for my righteousness. I've never felt so comfortable in my heart. I want you all to feel like this. Someday, when I'm a filthy rich as I aim to be, I want you all to know that I deserved it. I don't just want to be pretty. I don't just want to be on stage. What I really want is for everybody I know to be good. I want us to be able to go anywhere we want and do anything we want to do at any time of our choosing. I saw a grandmother on the train this morning with her grandkids. They were riding with her to the train. I don't want my mother on a train traveling to see her grandkids. I'ma send a car to her door. She'll forget what doorknobs feel like and she ain't even gotta carry her purse if she don't feel like it. #BelleeeeeDat.

& that, ladies and gents... is the truth of it.

<3 ELLA

XMas Presents/Presence

2012-12-27T16:50:00.002-05:00

When things aren't perfect, we forget that they can be.

This year, my whole family couldn't be together because we couldn't be together. The individual reasons are important because they all exist -- each one of these reasons was big enough to keep us apart. Each of these reasons are to blame for keeping my from one big Christmas under one big tree everyone forgets to compliment due to the gross amount of gifts beneath it. These reasons are what I work against every day I succeed in opening my eyes. The worst part about tough times is that you fail to see it could be worse. & if you do understand it could be worst, it makes you insensitive... which could be worse.

I don't know what it is about me, but people love me. Especially when they wish they wouldn't. I've heard it attributed to my being an inclusive Aries, but maybe it's because I love them, first. I hate that feeling, when you walk in a room and you worry what a person thinks of you --so I've let that feeling go. Every time I walk in a room I smile. I'm me and happy to be such. You never need to wonder what people think of you, because you probably already know. We see our "flaws" the clearest --the defining factor is if YOU consider it a flaw. The things we think about ourselves are what hinder us most. Once you've given up on yourself, you've lost. I love me & I don't give a f*ck how anyone feels about it. & I don't concern myself with anyone else... so I have no feelings about anyone else. I be chillin.

There are things we concern ourselves that truly have no effect. For example, what does it matter if someone does/does not like you? Especially if they're not paying your bills/feeding you/assisting you. I keep coming around the the fact that there are many people who could fall out of my life as quickly as I press ignore on my phone. For some, a relationship is simply having something to do with you. "Love" is sending a hello message when they get bored. In reality, people just want you to waste your time chasing them. People what to be wanted but what benefit is that? In my opinion, people have become so emotionally dependent on one another, it inhibits our grown as individuals. It's as if the opinions people have of you can feed or bury you. Not only do we place too much importance on what people think of us, but people tend to think that their opinions of others matter. You don't have as much of an effect on the lives of others as you might think. You never will. It is us who allow others to affect what we think. All of a sudden everyone's Christmas is on instagram, now we can compare it to others. You can easily see who spent the most money, but who gave the most love?

     All of a sudden, everyone is a therapist. I'm not. I'm not qualified. I'm not certified. Had a conversation with my cousin about how, in this country and in these times, you need some sort of certification to prove you to be who you are --you can't just be. Granted, you shouldn't go under the knife with anyone who calls themselves a surgeon, but in other areas of life, people can be what they want to be. They might not be good. They might not be the best, but they are allowed to be if they want to be. Speaking of, I just signed up for my second performance with the "Mic on Fire" event. As I do for most events, I made my own flyer with my name plastered all over it (posted here for your enjoyment). I do this, partially, because I didn't enjoy the original flyer and because I deserve to headline. I'm not a superstar yet, but it's in me. I've already taken my throne so it'll be no surprise when the day comes. "I'm scared," I told Carl. "You're not the type to really have that emotion of fear," he responded. "I'd be scared with the bungee cord attached to me, but I'ma still jump," I explained. What people fear to see is that the final decision lies in me. No matter what you say, you can't change what a person is going to do (especially not me). Someone who is going to make it is going to make it aside from what the next person thinks --negative or positive. I ended up tagging my family in this last flier post, just an an FYI. They always tell me to keep them posted but... I fail to. Partially from embarrassment and partial from having the strength to not need any support from anyone. What people don't realize is that I'm quiet and (my mother encourages me to be) humble, but I believe in myself. Period. I've never needed anyone. Period.

       I'm having a tough time not needing anyone. It effects everything and nothing all at the same time. What people fail to understand about me is, I'm the same girl who grew up with her dog as her best friend. I don't like talking so much. I was left alone for much of my childhood --not in a bad way. My family mostly minds their own business. My brother (11 years my elder) didn't want to be bothered with me while my sister (9 years my elder) didn't want to be bother edwith anyone. Meanwhile, my mom worked two jobs. I came home from school and made Beef Ramen and hot dogs, with no complaints. When we were broke, I didn't know a thing about it. It wasn't until I went to a private high-school that I got on my Kozol and understood the world's inequalities. It was in these times of my greatest distress when I planned my way out of the darkness. I learned to stand in the middle of the fire and escape unscathed. I learned that all the tears I cried and pain I felt were simply an early mode of ridding my heart of the confused humility called cowardice.

       This Christmas was as perfect as I could've wished it to be. Family, food, libations and sour. You see, my Christmases will never be perfect ever again. One thing holidays do is remind you of everything that wrong: Missing gifts and missing people. Some people wait for their sons to get home to say grace, others never get to have their sons come home. Life aint sh*t but it's everything. "You don't have any boyfriends, Maggie?" My cousin Didi asked --She held her son, Justin, in her arms but I think she's the only one with balls. "Not to... you know... but I've never known you to have a boyfriend." I smiled and explained that I'd rather wait until the nonsense is over to get out there. As I explained, "She don't need a boyfriend," or something like that came from over my shoulder. There stood my cousin Jay. Face in his lasagna. Repping for my brother, telling him he don't need that $50. For $50, Jay would have rocked any sucker my brother pointed to and my brother would have pointed to any male within 10 feet of me. It's never been easy dating me. I've never had a boyfriend over for holidays. Won't change for a while either.

       Truth is, this was a semi-lonely Christmas for me. I didn't have my mom. I haven't spoken to my sister. It's been 6 and a half years and my brother's smile is still young in my mind. I'm single. I'm childless. I live in my own place with a gorgeous pit-bull puppy. My bills are paid. I drive a 2006 325i BMW. I founded an online magazine 2 years ago and my views have tripled. Realness and fate brought me to ENY where I work with an admirable group of respectable gentlemen for EBFLifestlye.com. I made my mom's potato salad for the first time. I popped a bottle of Clicquot with the family, for the first time. I matched my big cousin properly, for the first time (then told my little cousin to make wise decisions). I watched my cousin teach his son to rollerblade, for the first time. I spent Christmas with a real-live princess. I got to practice mommy-ing with one of the strongest women I've crossed paths with. I got all my cousins under the same roof for the first time (with me) since August 06. Got to have a brief, much needed talk with another cousin of mine who likes to lock himself away in his dungeon as I like to be in mine. He complimented me on my writing but I forgot to (outwardly) compliment his brilliance; I know from experience that that's why he prefers the dark. Everyone I spoke to smiled. We loved. The unwrapping of gifts ended earlier than we would have liked it and my cousin Jay had to work that same night, but now that I know where our missing links are, the shit we need to change and where my responsibilities lie, all in all, it was a perfect celebration of love, life and aaaah... Christmas.

I'm here. I'm alive. I should be happy, so I am.

So... as you watch me make moves and see me drip in hubris, please understand that I see my life much clearer than anyone does. The reason I work so hard is because I was meant to. I have so much inspiration, encouragement and love around me that very little can get me down. I'm not impenetrable, though. I'm not Superwoman as some might treat me. I also have a large family. So when "friends" wonder why they fall low on my list or priorities,well... I'm Dominican. When I say someone is my cousin, I mean it or I wouldn't say it. Family is serious. I'm also a real, live woman. As a female, it's tough to say "Money over everything, F*ck N*ggas," and keep it pushing... but I kind of do. It's not that I don't think about it or that it doesn occasionally bother me, but there are other people and factors in my life that matter much more. I know that I can't save the world. I know that I can't feed everyone, but I won't let my human desires stop my from trying. As I told Kiko & Jay at the table on Christmas, I believe in God --for the first time. I'd rather live my daily life in trying to make this a better place. In His name. In His vision. I don't know exactly what that is, but I know that prayer keeps me going. Loneliness is a mental thing. It's a demon that lives within us like envy, greed and jealousy. Beware of those emotions. You are not alone. If you want love, take it --but remember to give. Go where it's waiting for you. Don't take the love you have for granted just because you can't strap it down and call it your own. Love is to be shared & rejoiced. Love and family are one in the same --if it's not perfect by another's definition, create your own. If you know the story of Job at all (one of my faves), you'll note that the worst times are when you are best equipped to show you deserve the best. Stay strong.

Happy Holidays, folks.

Take a moment to reconsider your presents/presence.

If things aren't perfect... it may be time to plot your way there.

Buena suerte,

ELLA

Long Distance Relationships?

2012-12-20T15:51:00.003-05:00

I don't think there's a problem with long distance relationships.

But... I do believe your money needs to be long as well.

CLICK HERE to read ELLA's thoughts on long distance relationships.

#Fashion via Hani Hulu

2012-12-18T17:09:00.001-05:00

Follow Hani at @BabyKhosh on Twitter & Instagram

I get along with most anyone. Living at Loyola during the summer was always one of my greatest pleasures. I enjoyed the summer schedule more than the regular semester, so during the break between my Junior and Senior years, I had the pleasure of living with Hanyeh Khoshnevisan, now known as Hani Hulu, Fashion specialist for JWWWD Magazine.

Religion is a weird topic. It's so heavy that I sometimes feel it becomes burdensome. Now, I don't have any particular feelings about religions other than my own (how can you judge what you don't know), but it doesn't take long to realize Hanyeh is Muslim - dope headwrap to match. If you take a moment to read her blog, my favorite part is where she speaks on being a Muslim woman, "I like to prove we are not oppressed or less than others just because we are Muslim or because we cover. In reality, we are among the strongest women around." Sometimes, when I see a girl who covers, I try to tell them about Hani and give them our card. One girl I see on my commute to work semi-ignores me now. I say "Hi" on purpose *shrugs* I don't care. I don't have much real live conversation with Hani (or anyone else) so I didn't want to butcher the word "hijab" & I'm afraid she might have checked me off as an idiot. I know I'm fairly ignorant of the details of that side of the world, but I do know we're human. As much as we need to teach each other, we need to be willing to learn. Hani is here just as much for girls like her as she is for those who have no real knowledge of her culture. I'm honored to introduce Hani Hulu as JWWWD Magazine's official Fashion Specialist (I still hate the word blogger & Hani deserves a fancy title).

Not only do I believe Hani is an amazing individual, but her closet is dope. We didn't talk too much about fashion while we lived together, but I never felt any way about what she wore: Which is an amazing thing. I remember her drawer full of scarves and how I wanted to dive in so badly. Her style has both maintained and blossomed since that summer. Hani has an amazing eye for detail, making each piece she puts on or picks up a masterpiece in its own. I love her style because it can be worn. On her site, she posts outfits for going out with friends, family events and (which I honestly don't see enough of) going to work. I've had many conversations in the past about how fashion shouldn't be important at work and how work outfits are "boring" but it really doesn't have to be that way. I love Hani's contributions to JWWWD because they're real life. These are simple outfit ideas and inspirations that are easily accessible and imitable (but I'd encourage you to put your own spin on it).

While we lived together Hani and I spoke about music, TV, classes... regular roommate sh*t. The only thing that sucks about summer roommates is you don't have much time, 2 and a half months, to get to know that person. Especially when I was barely on campus. Hanyeh and I had one conversation concerning religion at about 3pm on a weekday. I had run away from my work study & brought friends over for delightful discussion. I recall we spoke about the Koran but can't remember much else. The only thing that truly stands out in my memory is how level-headed, attentive and understanding Hani was throughout the conversation. I never asked her much about her religious or cultural customs, as you can only know someone's mannerisms by watching --and the only thing that truly matters to me is the relationship between two people as individuals aside from the private concerns we each may have. The other thing that stood out about that conversation was that, before a man would enter the house, Hani would always go to our room and wrap her hair. "Can you have him wait?" she had asked. Of-f*cking-course, I had thought.

In my opinion, the most beautiful thing about the Muslim faith and way of life are the distinctions between men and women as well as the guidelines of their interaction. I'm not fully versed in the rules. I know a woman should have her hair covered in front of men who are not part of her family. I believe there's a similar caution for dancing. But, as with many other things affected by time, people choose to abide while others don't. I believe it is easier to quit your faith and live "free" than it is to constantly concern yourself with the messages from your higher power. The fact that Hani didn't hesitate to do what she had to so was admirable. I respected her for that. Especially as a college student, she could have opted to stay as she was and break rules. Who would we have told? Still, the private conversations we have with ourselves are the most testing. Little does Hani know, but that simple action of wrapping her hair exuded the strength I aim for myself. I believe it takes an unnoticed amount of strength to say "no" to someone you're interested in. To save yourself for that person & to hold back... even if it is "just" your hair. I enjoy being separate from men and trying to understand what they truly means to me as well as in the grand scale of things. I think there's incomparable beauty in the ideas of womanhood, chastity and honor - ideas that should be highlighted more in all societies. I don't know Hani's personal dealings, but I admire the thoughts that come to mind when I think of her.

Fashion scares me. I've read through many "fashion blogs" and most times, I'm a bit disappointed. I believe that the reason people look down on fashion is because it has the tendency to lack depth and purpose. I enjoy Hani's site because I see her shine through and the end product is brilliant. Hani is a normal person. She's currently pursuing a career in accounting & you can check her elevator pics to see what she wore to work on any given day. She's gorgeous. Inside and out! She highlights artists and people she knows and even does give-a-ways. At the bottom of each of her posts are readers commenting on how much they enjoy her site and her persona.

I love Hani's existence. I believe hers is a presence that should be experienced. She is extremely important here at JWWWD Mag as well as to the rest of the world. People should be able to look at one another without so much prejudice and hesitance. We should learn to respect each other as individuals. If, by chance, there are ideas we don't agree on, we should be willing to sit and listen to the other person. To both teach and learn. We should embrace our differences --that doesn't mean we have to adopt them. The choices we make in our individual lives are those of our own. It takes so much strength to revel in the characteristics about yourself people judge the hardest --especially since it's usually those exact characteristics that make us most beautiful.

Thank you, Hani for joining the team. We're grateful and honored to have you. & sorry this post took forever. You have been and will continue to be appreciated :)

To the rest of you: I hope you all enjoy Hani Hulu's contributions as much as I do. She just keeps getting doper :)

Blessings all.

ELLA

Please #follow Hani at @BabyKhosh

on Twitter & Instagram!

Tragedy in CT.. - NBC News Updates (LIVE STREAM)

2012-12-14T14:59:00.001-05:00

I don't even know how to feel. But... those are people's children. Humanity is crying out.

I figure if you want the information, you should get it somewhere besides Twitter.
Not that this site is a newspaper but... Here are some more links:

ABC News -- Brittany Shawnté says their data comes in fastest,
but I can't embed the video.

NYTimes.com --only a written blog, no live video. The New York Times video feed
is actually hosted by NBC News, embedded above.