ELLA's Thoughts

Ask Ella: Why are you single?

2013-11-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

"I haven't been in a relationship for 5 years," I explained. As the daughter of a single mother, it's not the most difficult thing to do. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a business of my own and an artistic outlet. I got a dog for that "mothering" thing engrained in me. "I don't get close to people, so I'm going to push you away," I went on. I was sincerely trying to to hurt his feelings but as we waited on my train, he kept patting his chest saying, "Come here, come close." It took all my strength (and a reminder of a tentative 50% off at Louis Vuitton) to turn my "You need to back the fck up," into "I'm gonna need two feet of space," as I literally held my arm outstretched, touching the tips of my nails to the knot of his scarf. You'd think he'd be offended, but there's a bizarre breed of man who is determined to own you, if only at least for a little bit. They love the challenge.

"You've known me two days," I said plainly. "It feels like forever," he bullshitted. His last relationship "ended" this passed February. He's an Aquarius who's dated two Aries' in the past, but I'm not sure he quite learned his lesson with us (Aries folks vibe with Leo's and Pieces' the best). He works two jobs, goes to school and lives with his parents, but I don't fully understand the story because in the first version, the parents weren't around, and I looked like I was taken care of. He likes to make music and hit on girls in the subway as he leaves work. He always brings them to Benihanas on their first dates, and that's where we ended up;. "I would love to get to know you, but you have to relax," he held my hands in the downstairs lobby. If you walked by, you'd have thought I broke his heart. I sat, wide-eyed, trying to figure out what fck was going on. "I like you," he said moving only his lips. "I like you," is what it looked like... but "like" is easily and often confused with "love". Here I was,wined and dined as I "deserved", trying to figure out how to say, "keep your hands to yourself or I'll cut them off," in the nicest tone possible.

"You don't know me."

"I love you," he repeated the same.

"You met me two days ago."

Silence.

"Do you know my middle name?"

Silence.

"Do you know my mother's name? My siblings? My favorite color? What school I went to?"

"Baltimore."

"That's a city, not a school."

"University of Baltimore?" He wanted so badly to be right.

"No. You don't know me."

"Play this game. We need this," my best friend was my worst influence in the moment, sending along descriptions, sizes and his budget for the scheme. The truth is, I can never do it. If I ever turn someone on, or they find me remotely "sexy" it's either on accident, or in the middle of one of my performances. I don't really know how to flirt. I smile because I want to laugh. And when I laugh, it's usually at people. I'm actually not even nice. I like to be alone, or with exactly who I want to be with. I don't really deal in people. "You don't want nothing from him anyway," CJ coaxed me. "It's about passing time. He's just enough. Tell him you guys can get to know each other," sounded like a fabulous plan until I realized that he didn't like me at all and didn't want to get to know me. He wanted someone he could proudly take out in public and claim as his own. I really don't have the patience. "And what else would you be doing?" CJ asked. Well, I'd probably at home, with a jay in hand, making dinner & watching my novellas. That might sound like some young girl's nightmare, but I realized, that's where I prefer to be. "They like you, you have to use it," I've been told but I'm simply not well versed in being around people I'd rather not be around. I'm also from a predominately male family. I was raised to be pretty & sit down somewhere. This is exactly why I got another job. It's always a headache. It's never worth it. Fck that discount. I'll just get more checks.

The most challenging obstacle with being single is the self-financing - especially in New York City. (The rent is still too high.) You could save a hell of a lot of money if you find someone to shack up with and split bills. And if you want to party anywhere in Manhattan, a cocktail can cost you a meal, leaving men feeling like they've purchased more than just a drink, and leaving the city's finest ladies rubbing up on middle-aged tourists for vodka & linguini. Being single is also challenging while you're out, because you're competing with Instagram models who, in real life, wear Rainbow and Conway like they have an exclusive contract and wear weave becuase it does make them look better. In the city of style and fashion, you spend whatever is left on hair, nails and a Brazilian to compete with women who aren't worth competing with you get a look at them up close, or if you take the time to wait and notice that she only deals in men who are willing to open up a tab -- and after all of that, the guy you wants ends up wanting her. So you watch him drool & serve up until his open bar ends, and then watch him sulk while she rubs everything he wanted to touch on someone with a little more cash flow. Welcome to the world where the cashier at Forever 21 is #Winning.

So I spend my time and my cash on myself. My walk Italian and drive German and no one understands how I do it, nor do they do anything for me. Yes, I'm a woman with needs like any other but I don't feel the need to "try" everything or every one. I hated that date for so many reasons. First, because it wasn't supposed to be one. I dropped by his job while he was at work, while I was still under the impression we could be friends. But, if you want to take me to eat, I suppose I'll go. Do we need to frolic and fondle so immediately? I didn't want to touch, maybe that's rude of me. I feel like I often have to remind people, when you sign that receipt, the pay for the food, not the company. I'm tired of people doing things for a reason. "I was going to go home & make spaghetti," I assured him I was still very much willing to do so. I actually never ask anyone for anything especially not men. I sometimes assume I deserve the nice treatment or maybe they are just kind, but that's a lie we women tell ourselves - men spend to get and will take what you give.

My dilemma: I met a guy who told me he loved me on the first date. He calls me his "princess," and asks me if I want anything before we leave the store. Luckily, I pay attention to other things: "Love" comes with a ring, if he doesn't want to marry me, it means nothing. Every princess story I know, she's locked in a tower or someone is trying to ruin her, many people come disguised as saints. & I never believe anything about a purchase until the receipt prints.

We're all single for one of 5 reasons:

you just got out of a relationship
you're not ready for a relationship
you're not qualified for a relationship, or
you don't know what a relationship is
you know what you want

You never know why someone is single. Sometimes, we don't even know ourselves. Most likely, once you're single and "just got out of a relationship," after you rebound, you'll probably feel all of these reasons. The "not qualified" is the most difficult to see. It takes us so long to develop as successful individuals, you never really know what a person expects of you. Even if you have your finances in order, there may be other personality or compatibility issues you haven't tackled yet. For example, it's difficult to gauge how upset you get at dishes left in the sink until someone leaves them there. Another obstacle would be a man who gets a women just to do those dishes. Granted, I believe in gender roles, but men tend to forget that a woman who keeps your home in order deserves to be spoiled. Sometimes, we haven't learned to play our parts and we disappoint our partner (I was there once). Eventually, you learn what you want and the game becomes more difficult because no one is fit to play. So what do you do?

"Because if you give a hoe space, she'll be herself," I had told CJ. "It would be you to feel that way," he typically responds. Yes, a woman sits around and waits, she doesn't go out and leave her man sick like that. You look out for his pride, you don't do sht like that. But that's hard when a man isn't doing everything you'd want him to do. Is it a sin to sit through dinner? With thoughts of a Neverful? I do regret it. The truth is, I once closed me eyes and wished it were someone else. Needless to say, I wanted to teleport home. But I do need more... more than I'm willing to ask for. I've realized I'm less willing to share how I really feel when I care what the other person will think. I try my hardest to be "the realest" but... I'm human. The waiting, I've learned, takes longer than one might think. During this process, you get used to a person as they are. Things change faster than we think, and sometimes we perceive changes that actually never took place. Still, whatever's meant to be will happen, right? So let it happen naturally. "What do you see in your perfect man," he asked and I realized we'd never be friends. "God," I responded, hoping he'd run. "That's not something I'm worried about."

Live genuinely. The fck do I look like lowering my standards for Louis Vuitton and grilled shrimp? People will force themselves into your life and loneliness will call you to oblige. Yet, as those finger pry themselves to lie between yours, take note of who you wish that would be. People don't always react the same... they also might not express their preferred method of displaying affection. But if you express that concern to a person and they aren't sympathetic, that person might not be for you; you don't interact well. One should also take note of what you're really looking for. There are men who will take you out to eat and buy you all kinds of things with labels on them, but they won't pick you up when your car breaks down or help you move into your new place. I just started this part-time job for two reasons: I wanted to afford the things I want from someone else, and I need less free time so I can note if what I need is actually needed or if I'm bored and actually have too much free time. I felt like this guy was rushing to lock me down for no real reason; I could be crazy. He didn't ask me about anything that mattered, he wanted to ignore as much as he could. Some people are far too lonely.

So, I'm single because of God. I'm still learning. It just ain't my time & I'm okay with that. Meanwhile, I try to make the most of my time until then. I hope I am who I need to be before my time comes. I hope I don't hold back from someone deserving, but that I don't give more than they've earned (which I'm likely to do). Cross my fingers and hope everyone who doesn't appreciate me or wants to waste my time will leave me alone. More so, I pray I can pinpoint those folks before they get the best of me...

The most telling detail of if someone wants to be with me is if their interested in what I do. If I painted, I'd want him to frequent my gallery. If I played a sport, I'd want him there cheering me on. But I'm a writer... and what I do is I turn my heart into words in hopes that someone will understand. A man who doesn't read this, who doesn't know where my heart it, doesn't keep up with me, and I don't want him. I'm not that hard to figure out.

Anyway. All he did was hold my hand and it was terrible.

I still want to throw up.

Yours,
Ella

Ask Ella: Who Should Care?

2013-10-16T14:31:00.000-04:00

"I told her, that even though it's her birthday... it doesn't really affect anyone else. It's not a holiday. And that's what I said, cuz that's how I felt," I explained. As I retold it, it sounded cold, but sometimes facts feel like that. Are my feelings wrong if they hurt someone else's feelings? Or is it now that person's personal problem?

"You probably shouldn't have said that," he told me and he's the only one who tells me the truth. I can't say that he was right... it did need to be said. It just wasn't nice, is all. Now, before I can have a conversation with a person, it feels like run my thoughts by a third party and re-adjust my real. "Don't say all that," Carl told me. But I fear it's the things you shouldn't say that matter the most. "I know why you said what you did. Believe me, I do," she wrote to me, 2 years later. "What was more upsetting was the way you went about it." I was too public. I should keep more secrets. I should tell people, privately, what everyone says behind their backs. I should watch how much I blog. I should be careful who reads this. I should remind everyone I've been the same mhhfcka since '88.

I usually feel like I'm the only one actually willing to have a real conversation. It's usually me staring blank-face at someone with my head tilted and asking, "well..." while they shrug and pretend to not understand whatever language I speaking in. Either that, or people sit across tables from me --or across invisible wires -- and try to explain to me how whatever they wanted me to do, I didn't do and that's why they're upset. We seem to have these scripts in our heads and expect people to fit neatly into them. When they don't we assume that person has acted improperly, when in fact... we might have simply casted wrong. I have less and less and less friends as the days go by, it seems. Sometimes, it happens like that. Sometimes, I prefer it that way. I went home last week and gave Kay K the biggest attitude because she had borrowed my sweater, but she wasn't home the next day before I left. I usually leave without saying a word to anyone, but I decided not to be fcked up to her. I was just upset she wasn't there. I was also upset I was thrown off my schedule. But... that has nothing to do with her and, in fact, really wasn't that big of a deal. Mid-Traffic, I had to pull up my message and sent by boo a sweet apology. She never tripped on me and that's because of the only reason we're friends, Kay K loves me. In the fashion of a true high-school love story, I lost my best friends the summer I met Kay K because Kay K showed me, in three months, love I had never felt in 13 years. The most painful lesson I learned is that if you don't know any better, you settle for the worst.

Most times, I'm the worst. Single me likes to ask why I'm single (along with single everyone else), and I realize I don't even give hope. I ignore the men who look my way. When they put on enough pressure to get my phone number, I cross my fingers and hope the conversation will make it 24 hours. I never want to see them again. They're never as handsome as they sound. I don't actually like "friends" or rappers who think rhymes can get my panties off (I'm very judgmental about rhymes & I pull mine to the side). I never know who thinks they have a chance with me and it usually ends after the third or fourth text message when I tell exactly which games I am not here to play. One one hand, I'm a completely cold, thorough and badass btch.

Sometimes, I'm the absolute best. It's scary to be. As I fumble my way through the music, I've found that relationships and artistry take much of the same path --one learns and matures. In both love and music, I've learned what I am good at, what I need improvement in, what I aim to accomplish and the sht I'll never do again. In both music and love, I've learned that I need to give my all. Even if I feel like I'm not enough... like I might fall short, I give myself with complete confidence in who I am because... baby, I refuse to let that change. We're all such particular people, you can't count on the next person understanding anything you feel. In competition, this becomes an advantage. There are things in music that I'm willing to try... even if others are not. There are things in a relationship I'm willing to do, even if others are not. The story though, is yours. Or rather, mine. I've stopped speaking so much. It's true, we all have "flaws," but those flaws are determined in the eyes of others. So when you tell a person your story, you can't be sure what they consider to be a good or bad thing. That is your story. Not only does that person have no experience with it, but God didn't want them to. What do they know? People don't know anything, especially when they think they do. It's how people think they know everything about you if they know your middle name and favorite color.

The truth is, no one cares. No one cares about you, they only see the world through their eyes. They only see how it will benefit them. It doesn't matter. Keep being a good person. Still, take note of how people treat you. Not everyone will be as loving, as caring, as honest or pure as you are in your intentions. But when you realize that, give yourself a little bit of respect and remove yourself. You can cut these relationships when you are sure that you've done that person no wrong. Even more so, you can probably point out the things you've done for that person while they say over and over how they were your "friend". You don't have to wait for people to hurt you to remove them from your life, you should hope to be wise enough to know when that relationship simply isn't headed in the right direction. This isn't a cause for war or argument. You shouldn't expect anything in return for your love, but you deserve it. Everyone has their limit, establish yours.

Here's the real truth: I'm so tired. I'm tired of the lazy applause. I'm tired of people silently adding up the coins in my pocket, never taking the time to open my mail. I'm tired of people wanting to use me for the nothing I have. I'm tired of being underestimated. I'm tired of pretending like I have time for people. I'm tired of people asking when we're going to get together when we have nothing to get together for. I'm tired of people comparing themselves to me. I'm tired of being compared to others. I'm tired of people saying they love me but not enough to go to my shows. I'm tired of them thinking I care if they attend. I'm tired of supporting people so consistently it becomes so natural they forget. I'm tired of having to remove myself from the world to prove I breathe my own air. I'm tired of people asking me questions about boyfriends but want me to be locked up in their houses with their spouses and children for what, tutoring? I'm tired of people counting on me in their future plans like a human savings bond. I'm tired of having been depended on and not acknowledged. I'm tired of listening to people, they don't say much anyway. I'm tired of the arguments. I'm tired of "fighting" being the only way you can show you care. I'm tired of "happy" and "joyous" being awkward feelings people think aren't meant to last. I'm tired of people asking me what my flaws are. I'm tired of people thinking God makes mistakes. I'm tired of that "nobody's perfect" bullshit. I'm tired of soft gangsters and twerking songstresses. I'm tired of trends. I'm tired of being politically correct. I'm tired of having to take the entire world's feelings into account every time I speak. I'm tired of people asking me "what do you do?" instead of clicking my fcking links and reading a paragraph - you rhyme, but you don't read? I'm tired of people thinking I want to write about them and how they do the same thing everyone else does, for profit. I'm tired of people think I want to sit back row are their events and write on them --for free. I'm tired of everyone thinking they're the best out when you're just a startup and if you know anything about business, you know that 25% of you will fail in the first year - I'm going on my fourth and I still pray. I'm tired of hearing rappers rap about luxury vehicles they've never driven, posting videos of rentals on instagram while I named mine "Kim"; she's the all-black nightrider parked outside and we just got a n oil-change so she's runnin' super smooth, but I gotta get my tire sensors checked. I'm tired of female rappers being so proud of having vaginas they forgot to focus on their lyrics, and if they won't flaunt their own bodies, they bring along "friends" to twerk on stage behind them like it makes them righteous to have hoes. I'm tired of ignoring the fact that singers should be attractive, people have to want to look at you with all those lights pointed in your direction. I'm tired of closing my eyes during showcases to ignore everyone's bum ass kicks and shared apparel. I'm tired of all your crews. I'm tired of being more gangsta than 99% of men I meet, who usually spend their evening walking miniature schnauzers, and I don't date men who own poodles. I'm tired of artists who will tell you everything about themselves except about the children they created who are sitting at home waiting on them. I'm tired of people ignoring that rapping is rhythm and poetry, over a beat and infused with bravado. I'm tired of holding this writing degree under my belt like it's not my secret weapon just because, without this rap sht, I'm crazy straight. I'm tired of people not understanding that I am in love with words and no matter who we string them together I breathe. this. shit. I'm tired of wanting to stop being great because no matter what work you do, people just want to use you and abuse you for it, but they certainly won't pay you. I'm tired of people telling me how I should run my business, as if my alma mater didn't do a brilliant job and as if I'm not the dopest out. I'm tired of people trying to recruit me into their groups, client lists and beds. I'm tired of looking at chicks and thinking "ewww her?". I'm tired of having to give more than I get because that's the way Jesus loved, so I live my life in present fear that since I walk his path, they'll crucify me just like him. I'm tired of having to be quiet about being in love with who I am. I'm tired of having to act like love isn't all I want or like I'm not a woman and that a man shouldn't know exactly what I need. I'm tired of being the only chick who hangs out with the guys. I'm tired of that one guys who will never understand. I'm tired of thinking I might get along with these hoes, only to end up sitting on my couch with my puppy in my lap & Univision on silent reminded that the only woman I'll ever trust is the woman who birthed me.

"Whoever you end up with, I'll be so happy to watch it happen," were the last words I expected him to say. I get so caught up in my emotions of the world, I treat it all the same. I'm never really looking for involvement, but since I am single, it seems people (men and more women, lately) like to try their hand. When I turn men down, they don't know if they're not my type, if I actually do have a boyfriend, or if I'm lying. When they ask to take me out and I decline (or more often ignore), I usually question myself. I wonder why I don't go. Why don't I take advantage? Why don't I do that damn thang and get a bill paid? When I decide not to reach out to "friends" anymore... I think about what I'll do instead. What will my nightlife be like? Who will I party with? Fact of the matter is, I don't take advantage because I'm ok. If I pay all my own bills, and it's my name on the guest list... I guess I'm really ok. I could be doing better, but then, I couldn't sing Independent Women so loudly and proudly. If I wasn't so sure that, one day, I'll be a great wife and a phenomenal mother (which are actually my only true goals in life, everything else is money), I'd be hesitant to be on my Beyoncé. But... aside from my mother... I have very few role models.

I'm tired of the fantasy in my head. The most stressful part of life is trying to get people to act right. Honor, loyalty, respect... smh. You wish. So partially, I've given it all up. It's not that I've lost hope or faith -- I love me some God --but I won't let the idea of anyone else (and what they are or are not doing) ruin my mood or my groove. I just know I have so much to accomplish in this lifetime. Mostly, people just distract you. We can be each other's most effective sources of inspiration or our greatest deterrents from our goals. The best partnerships in the world are the ones that uplift one another... that's all I want. Caring is obvious. A person who care about you cares about everything about you. Sometimes, they even care about the things you don't care about. We have to expect love. We have to, as much as we don't seem to believe in it. I'm still teaching myself how to truly believe. I run into the most problems in trying to "convince" people that I am who I am. I do what I do. My decisions are calculated and I can be trusted... but people lie... and what you have to do with your life, doesn't really affect them... so they don't really care what you say. Don't worry about them, and never mention them.

I just had to get these emotions out. I hope, if you've read to the end, you've gained something. I'm actually groovy. If you know me, you know I do what I want... This is how I encourage myself *shrugs* Sometimes you just have to put your mind in the right place... first, you have to tell the truth.

If you wanna know what I do, click the following link - presidentella.wordpress.com
My soundcloud is finally up: Soundcloud.com/presidentella
I'm currently working on publishing my poetry book. You all will see that first.
JWWWD Magazine will print in Spring 2014!!!!!!! I'll be editing the teams' first submissions next month, can't wait to read those!!!

Most Sincere,

Ella

Ask ELLA: How do I Waste Less Time?

2013-09-23T13:08:00.000-04:00

"Sometimes, it feels like you hold back," he said. That was the best Christmas gift I had ever gotten. Sometimes, I'm amazed when people are brazen enough to be honest with me. My cousin Kiko isn't even really my cousin, I don't think. But he has been since we were 13 and he happens to be a fan of my writing. An honest one, but that's only because he knows me for the stranger I am.

You can't tell everyone everything. They simply can't handle it. You never know how they're going to react, what they're going to do with it. Secretly, everyone is looking for everyone else's flaw, that damned thing that makes us all human. The problems arise when something thinks they've cued in on this "flaw," where they think they have you defeated. But defeat only occurs if you acknowledge that trait as a flaw. If not, that person is busy focusing on a battle that doesn't even exist. With this I say as they've said: Choose your battles wisely. Most battles aren't worth fighting. Most fights aren't worth the spoils. People will always attack you, especially if you seem like a challenge. But why waste your time getting scratched up in scuffles? I interact with less and less people, saving myself from more and more drama. If something seems like a waste of time, the very first thing you should learn to do is excuse yourself. Don't engage. Don't participate.

I'm also learning to speak less. Or maybe I'm being taught to say less. I mean... what is there to discuss? People really do talk too much. Some of the conversations we have get us nowhere, and sometimes people simply need a means of interacting with you simply to have contact. Small talk. Time's a wasting. What I've also noticed is that most people's means of interacting are in the form of an argument. Just as often as women catch attitude for a little attention, men like to say or do things that are mildly offensive so they can have some affect on you. (S/O to the men who, "that ain't your hair" as I walk down the street). There are some things we find engaging in relationships. We like to have war stories to tell. We think that what we've "been through" bonds us together, but that should be as partners on one-side, not as feuding lovers. Or maybe that's just not for me. But sometimes, we do waste our precious time holding onto something we think we're supposed to "fight" for, instead of spending your time graciously contemplating the ease and joy this person brings into your life. If a person isn't bringing positivity into your life, and doesn't make things easier... what do you want them for? You can't complain about the stress if you invite it to stay. The easiest way to avoid stressful conversations is to avoid stressful people.

Can you tell something happened? This is where I hold back. The most difficult part about being a writer, and an honest one, if that your emotions are going to go public at some point, and people are offended by different things --especially words. The easiest way to stop wasting time is to stop giving situations and occurrences such great importance. We let people and they way they feel (and the ways we feel about them) control our everyday emotions. Can't trust your best friend? Cut her off. Can't trust your man? Cut him off. Either that, or deal with it quietly. There are some battles we choose to fight, and each of those for our own reasons. But centralize your focus, you can't fight every battle. There will always be bullsht to deal with, you've got to decide which is more beneficial to clean up. Some bullsht will help you grown, but mostly, it's just a mess. If you're ever upset because of a person, you need to check that person. People who love you don't want to upset you. Sometimes we even stay around because of the people around that person, but don't be fooled. That person is responsible for how they interact with you. Continue to be a good person, but keep an eye on how much you give. You shouldn't expect to receive, but when you get nothing, take note of how much nothing they think you deserve. And then turn them into nothing. Cut. Everybody. Off.

I know they say all relationships have their ups and downs, but how many down's really? Why not progress peacefully? Why is that not a possibility? In my opinion, we waste our time building, monitoring and maintaining relationships that are destined to fail. I don't think this is a "bad" thing per say, I think people come in and out of our lives, but only as much as we allow them to. Me? I'm tired of all that. Every day, I make decisions based on how I re-tell the story to my children. Maybe that's too much. Maybe that's how it should be. Sometimes, I make decisions I question, but I make them with the best possible intentions. And I pray. Mostly I ask for patience and wisdom. I want to be able to sit back and understand the cards on the table before I make my move. But when I make my move, I need it to be exactly what it needs to be.

Anyone aiming for an ideal knows things will take longer than we hope. So, enjoy the time while you work. The best relationships, in my opinion, are the ones where you can work side by side, towards a common goal and not distract each other. In amazing relationships, you can work side by side towards individual goals and continue to help each other produce. I have very few people in my life --to few for some, but that's how I prefer it. Sometimes, I sit back and think about all the people I would rather not hang out with and I come off cold, even to myself. But... I don't have any drama in my life. I'm not worried about who to trust. The people left in my life bring positivity, and that only. The things I "need" to do are all things I enjoy. The things I miss out on, it's probably better that I did. During those times when you're bored and alone, you should probably try to find whatever it is you're good at, whatever makes you happy, whatever might be lucrative and beneficial to you in the future.

The truth is, no one cares how they affect you. So be who you're supposed to be right now. They only know what they do. Ignore everyone. Do what you have to do so that when people think back and reflect on their interactions with you, all they can say is, "that was real." I don't worry about anyone's interpretations of things in the moment, because they probably aren't looking at it in the way I am... but if we don't see things the same way, where is this going, really? Sometimes we just don't want the same things as people. We disagree more than we agree. It's ok to let those folks go. To let those situations pass. We don't need to overtly involve ourselves in everything and with everyone --especially not women, in my opinion. We truly are the company we keep. We're grouped together, whether we like it or not. I actually hate to feel that way, but we women have a difficult time acknowledging societal views. We can be as free as we want to be. As modern as we strive to be, but in everyone's head is a secret definition of what a woman is. You are defined before you know it. So be yourself, and where whatever title you're given with pride. But me? I won't share someone's robes. Good or bad. I'd prefer my own.

Spend more time with yourself. Doing what you want. For your own reasons. Under your own guidance. That way, any decisions you do make will be yours. It won't be wasted, it'll be the decisions you make. You will have earned everything given to you, everything that happens to you. Take control of yourself, your situations, your surroundings, your engagements. Take more time to decide whether to waste the time before you keep engaging. Decide if the issue is worth keeping before you fix it. Stop wasting your time, spend it wisely instead.

Oh... and always be a good person. Be the better person than you even want to be... then there's nothing really to argue or worry about --you didn't do anything wrong. Just thank God & keep it groovy. *shrugs*

That's how I feel, anyhow.

Ella.

Ask ELLA: What about Trayvon?

2013-08-26T15:03:00.004-04:00

Dear Trayvon,

Read NAACP's "Trayvon's Law"

I don't know, brotha man... no one knows, really. Mostly, I just wonder what your voice sounded like --when you weren't pleading for your life. We've all heard the screams, whether we wanted to or not. Some better than others, as it usually goes.

You never knew me while you were here, but I'm sure that, as you sit beside our maker, you know me better than I know myself. With that said, I suppose I've owed you, but I'm at a lost of words. The only time I don't know what to say is when I can't figure out what to do --because I don't know how to feel. I still don't understand why a man who committed murder isn't behind bars. My mom passed one thing to an undercover once and got 2 years. She was just trying to feed three kids and pay two mortgages. I guess it depends on who you consider more human.

[soundcloud url="http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/43691767" params="" width=" 100%" height="166" iframe="true" /]

I don't want to talk about much. I don't want to talk about racism because they weren't allowed to in your case. We have a Black president now, so "racism" no longer exists in this country. Everyone is a liberal - in their ideals and their use of bullets. I don't want to talk about police brutality because I don't want to talk about police. I don't respect them, therefore, I can't trust them. I can't say I understand why any neighborhood needs three suited and armed officers on each corner, all I see is cops walking in and out of corner stores, spending my tax money and running their hands down the pants of the men I know --in an attempt to emasculate the greats. Every day, I see them hiding behind subway elevators, peering through the glass for the chance to snatch up a teenager being a teenager while black so they can finger print and track him for the rest of his life. Animals in the wild. If that's not it, you tell me what they're hunting for, hands glued to their revolvers. I've always hated cops everywhere, but in Brooklyn, they far outnumber the roaches. How do you control a uniformed, government funded gang? Where are the goodfellas? They've been posting more signs for rewards for information on shot cops... but if you've ever had the luxury of residing in the hood, you know the only way to make rodents scatter is to flash the lights and make some noise. I'm actually not quite sure how or where you grew up, Trayvon... but if you didn't know what it was to deal with rodents, unfortunately, you know how it feels to be one.

I don't trust that world, so I've decided to commit to my own. "You prolly like them dark or whatever," Antoine guessed correctly. 19, light-skinned and riding a bike up and down the block, my for the moment dog-walking partner was trying his hand at getting my number. I took it as a compliment but the only thing I had against him was... everything. A couple of years ago, he'd have gotten my number. I might even have made him take me for a spin on his handle bars, but Antoine was just a couple years too late. I don't know when I stopped liking them to look they're supposed to - light skin wavy hair. I'm not sure it was even a conscious choice. I had spent so much time arguing with Black men about not liking "dark" women (and therefore not liking their mothers or future daughters) that soon fell in love with the idea of what my sons will look like. I aim to have sons who look just like you, Trayon, more or less. I haven't gotten much farther than understanding that in order to care for them, I'll need land and a library (for their sanity) and a secret room storing my 2nd amendment rights (for my sanity). "What do I do with my sons?" I asked my mother after those cops killed Kimani Gray. My mother is a fair-skinned Dominican, and so was my brother and sister's father. Myself, the daughter of the brown-skinned, Cuban ex-patriot, am the only one in my immediate family to resemble the earth herself. My mother knows all about raising spicks, but the only experience she has with niggers is me. We're lucky I wasn't a son. I decided that if this country prefers to hunt my sons rather than protect them, then I must protect them myself. Gun Control is only the answer is we hold the government accountable to the same laws as it's people. If not, then the people are being oppressed by their leaders, not lead.

America is a control based on a history or leeches, sucking what they can out of the host then pretending it never needed them. What the leech fails to realize is that without that source, it would have (and soon will) die. We've gotten ahead of each other in all ways. We are a country based on betrayal and going against our word. The settlers founded this country in response to religious subjection and unfair taxation imposed by England, but when current Presidential debates are based on tax-cuts and increases, back with religious sentiments and closed with a prayer... you tell me if any ocean is wide or deep enough to drown hypocrisy.

It's not just the Caucasians y'all, it's us melanin-consumed folk, too. We fail to understand each other --not because we don't, but because we prefer not to. We abandon one another. We have no faith. We fail to care for one another. Whoever anyone dates isn't my business, but deciding not to date a person who resembles you, because they resemble you seems to be a form of self-hatred in my book. It's also qualifies you as a detriment to your race *shrugs* What hurts me most, Trayvon, is that not only will my sons look like you, but their father will be America's most likely criminal. He's currently the epitome of a "gangster" and America's poster boy playboy. They tell me my man will never love me, he'll never value me... and that he probably won't be there. And if he happens to prove them wrong on those accords, they'll station police officers with itchy trigger fingers in unmarked cars at the intersection of any streets he's ever walked. When they see my kings' strides, they'll reach deep in their pockets for their egos and emerge with nothing but cold steel, anger and fear. They will react like cowards do. Like women who confuse our men's fears for deceit and promise them loyalty they're afraid to give themselves. If I'm blessed a house full of boys, they way I'd prefer it, what is going to keep me sane every time they step out of the house? God, I guess.

I suppose, there is nothing to do, expect love my brother better. As a human, as a sister, as a woman... as a Black woman. I am his keeper, especially when no one else has the strength to be. I know all Black men aren't weighed down by this. I know all Black won't submit themselves to the cause. I know that most injustices are only felt by a minority, so the majority won't even understand. I know most won't agree no matter how right I am. I know there ain't a boycott or petition large great enough raise a young man from the dead - to give a mother her son back. There's no need to bash another excused murderer or grant him the honor of having a name in his strides in the name of America's institutionalized systems of racism and prejudice.

So, Trayvon... and to the others by your name and walking fearfully in your steps, I'm here as I have always been... trying to manage the evil workings ingrained in the world, treading carefully, preparing the path for those to come & praying for the promised day. There's nothing I can really do besides that. Just pray the world will change & understand it'll take more time than we'd like.

Sorry it took me a while to speak with ya... Rest in peace, homie <3

Ella.

Mi Familia <3 RIP EJR 7.24.77-8.14.06

JTGaze Fashion Show: Featuring @Deviant_Rebel and #612Clothing & More

2013-08-19T13:10:00.000-04:00

Featured: 612 Clothing. Photo by Marcos TKE Sotomayor - View More Photos, CLICK HERE

I had an amazing time hosting this show. On August 10th, I was given the opportunity to host my first fashion show, directed by JTGaze of Gaze Models. Designers included Deviant Rebel Clothing, 612 Clothing, Closet Freak Boutique, Keven Sharoozi, Accessories by Tavia Sanza, swimwear by John Falacco, designs by Duant Cooley, and headwear by Misa. Yes, plenty of high heels, high fashion & high drama.

One of NYC's secret venues turned fabulous, Pentloft is a 4 floor building with a private rooftop deck right on 8th avenue. In the heart of the fashion district, this hidden gem was home to Gaze Magazine's 2 annual fashion show. Do you folks understand how much I love fashion shows? I walked in my first show as a freshman in college, and I've been 5'2 since I can remember. I've never been afraid of walking the runway because, I feel like if you hold oyur head high, you can walk taller than anyone else. & when you've got a runway to yourself, you're as large as you want to be. I had been shooting with Jay for a while, so I was more than willing to participate when he asked me to host. I'm the type of person who takes on jobs and activities sort of just to prove to myself I can do it. I enjoy a challenge.

High heels, high fashion, high drama: That is the world of fashion shows. The show actually wen smoother than I thought it would. I had no idea where to start. The only thing I knew was that some sort of ordered needed to be established. Fashion shows put me in my purest element because fast-paced environments are when I thrive. Freestyling isn;t quite my forté, but I can save an entire production in 15 minutes. This isn't to take away from the director of the show --some people don't understand how much work it is to even book a location in NYC, and to get models/designers/hair stylists/makeup artists to show up. Then, you've got to appease everyone there because it's Diva-City.

Photographers were the key components of this show. My favorite thing about modeling with Gaze Models is that, shooting with Jay, you know you should kill every frame. Every picture is a serious opportunity. There were photographers everywhere - my favorite was the roof. I was a great experience for both the models and the designers because, in one show, your clothing was practically put into three different photo shoots. The photos below were provided by Marcos Sotomayor, who was actually very kind, catering and easy to take photos for. The models, myself included, certainly enjoyed themselves. I still have pictures flowing in from all avenues --that's what this is all for, isn't it?

On all avenues, what this shot taught me was to step up to the plate. There are so many things that go on behind scenes (for everything in life) which the public doesn't get to see. It's these things that really affect your experience and understanding of a given event. Behind these curtains, I certainly saw the ugly stress that leads to the beauty of fashion shows. Everyone is so nervous. Me too. I mean... that's what happens when you have a "co-host" who never shows. *shrugs* You have to forget what the rest of the world is thinking or doing, and simply live in the moment --if this is your thing, that is. The models behind the curtains primp and perk or do a couple of pushups to make themselves a bit closer to "perfect" while the audience sits back and decides exactly how perfect it is. I walked the runway with half of my cheeks out (although I looooooveed that shorts and top set by Devian Rebel Clothing) and had to cover them as I went up the stairs in front of a woman who could have been my mother. "I'll try to spare you," I apologized, cupping my cheeks. I feel like it was that interaction which made the night beautiful. Even though I was damn-near naked (to my difinition) I'm sure she was still able to see me as a person and understand that... I look good.. that's why. lol We deserve to be as pretty as we can be, and showcase what God's given us (we all have our individual limits), but I was just happy to see myself in that element. To admire myself and know that what I'm wearing doesn't change me as a person, and by my interactions, I still have en effect on how I'm received. That's why I loved hosting: It was me who had to keep the crowd in good spirits, to make them feel comfortable and provide a little bit of entertainment *cough* distractions/stalling *cough* when needed. I even sang a little bit. I was told I did I good job... I'd like to think so.

I also enjoyed the people I met, that's always the benefit of involving yourself in any activity where you have fun. From the makeup artist who did me up, Christine Coello, to the models and artists who hit the runway. I don't know all of their names, but I know I enjoyed their company --there was certainly good and peaceful spirit behind the curtains, I can testify to that although I caught a little stress myself. When the models first hit the rooftop (there was a rooftop shoot following every scene) they took a moment to introduce themselves to the guests already sitting up there. The idea was initially for "friends" to be on the roof and spectators on the floor below for the runway scene, but overflow mixed everyone together. I thought it was wonderful how closely the models could interact with the audience as well as with the photographers and designers. I enjoy this event for how professional it was on one side for he curtain, but how human we all were on both sides of it.

If you're looking for more photos, please visit Marco's Facebook Page. (Most of the below is obviously of me lol) You can also add me on Instagram to browse, or tag yourself if you were also in the show. If you comment below this post, I'll be sure to tag you in the captions below. Just need a little bit of your help, I'm human!

As for the hosting of shows... I would so do it again. Book me ;)

Ella. <3

Featured: Deviant Rebel Clothing. Photo by Marcos TKE Sotomayor

ASK ELLA: Who's a Bad B*tch?

2013-08-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

"Bitch bad. Woman good. Lady better. They misunderstood." - Lupe Fiasco

Hi lady!

Saw your ad for your event tonight and the title hit me in the face. Brought me back to Lupe's brilliant approach to the term "bad bitch" its connotations and effect on the female & male youngsters. Would love you hear your thoughts.

-Ms. S. Santos

To begin: I don't really fuck with Lupe like that. I don't know him personally, but I don't trust what he says... so I can't care for his opinion more than to ignore and respect that he has one. In my opinion (because I'm allowed to have one, too) he's one of the artists people like to call "conscious"as if the rest rhyme in their sleep. From my point of view, he's also one of the artists who seems to have more perspective in his music than he does in his waking life. Some of these artist tend to always have opinions on shit that doesn't concern them, and which they offer no solutions for. Quite frankly, I dislike all "conscious" rappers removed from everyday philanthropy because the masses take their word as gospel, forgetting that you should pay more attention to what people do than what they say --especially if what they say has an effect on record sales.

I'm a bad bitch. And Lupe is a regular nigga. *shrugs* Given all I have, all I've accomplished and all I aim to ... also given the color of Lupe's skin and the career choice he made, I doubt he could argue me down too much. While both the terms might sound derogatory, we are what we are even if we want to change the word. The term "Bad Bitch" has become quite the phenomenon, but it's not new to... anyone who's been bad for more than the past couple of years. Like any other term under public scruple, the word "bitch" can be used to disrespect, or... just used. "Fags," "Niggas," "Spicks," and "Chinks," probably joke with the teerms amongst themselves just like "bitches."

I don't care about the word "bitch" unless the intent is to offend me. Some people simply don't like the word because they don't curse. Some women don't like the word because of the type of woman they think it describes. I use the word because I understand what it means. You see, I own my very own bitch. The first thing you learn about bitches is that everyone loves them and wants to be involved, but no one wants to be committed to it --I'm talking about my dog. Having Duchess has been the best thing to happen to be because it's helped me become less of a bitch, after dealing with her. Bitches are needy. A bitch will sit home all day, while you're at work and not lift a finger. Bitches don't listen, and mostly you just want them to chill out and sit down. Bitches are annoying -__- Bitches need to be fed, and they'll wait all day for you to do it. Bitches whine when they want to be taken out. Bitches need attention. If you leave a bitch alone with your things... you better pray they survive. Bitches are the best thing in the world... unless she's not really your bitch; then you've got to watch out cuz bitches bite without warning and most won't feel bad afterwards either. The only difference between bitches and dogs is... who has balls. Without delving into the same ol' conversation held over the passed couple of decades, "bitch" and "dog" are simply used interchangeably for "female" and "male", respectively. If you don't like those terms... you don't have to use them -- and it's really as simple as that. You might say that not every woman is a bitch...but I say not every female is a woman. When women argue about not being called a "bitch," I simply think.... "Well.. don't act like one."

Again, I'm a bad bitch & my aim is to be the baddest, I'm just very well behaved. "Bitch" is a behavior. To me, I say it identifies characteristics of a person. Men can be (and I know many) bitches. "Bitch" behavior can be necessary or detrimental. "Am I being a bitch?" he asked glancing from the DJ to me, back to the DJ. H and I attend events regularly where we try to get his CD into anyone's hands. "No. But, you probably have to be one," I said, taking the disc from his hand and making my way to the booth. The truth is, women are still regarded as objects, especially upon first sight. But they want to talk to me because they like what I look like. Sometimes, the very thing that "holds you back" is your key to success. Sometimes you have to use what you've been given (while giving yourself limitations). Every time I meet people, it takes a second or third time of being around them for them to actually acknowledge me and admit the respect they have for me. Because when I walk in a room, I'm just another bitch. I'm just another girl who looks good, if I happen to be their taste. But I might be one of those chicks who only cares about what she looks like. Who is only focused on going out and getting men. These are bitches. Women try to fight this by dressing like prudes or being rude... but that really doesn't help the "bitch" situation out. Most times women try to remove themselves from their sexuality it comes off as stuck-up, bitch shit. *shrugs* You're a woman.. and that's okay. I understand that we want to walk into a room and get the same respect that men do and not be seen as objects, but the only way to fight that is to understand how you are being perceived and then present yourself the way you want to be categorized.

I'm a female. I'm grown into quite the woman. And, when I need to be, I'm the meanest bitch out. Some women don't have it in them to be bitches. I can't be a bitch all the time, but when I do, I do it fabulously. The "uplifting" usages of "bitch" are either "bad bitch" or "down bitch" --which is funny because they're the same terms I use to admonish the bitch I keep on a leash. Some women are too nice and incapable of being bitches. Other women confuse the term, rioting about not being called a bitch while acting like one. Some women are just bitches, but they're not down. They're not loyal --and a trifling bitch is the worst bitch of all. Just like "That's my nigga," "That's my bitch," is not only a term of endearment, but a very serious statement. If I say, "That's my bitch," it means that that female would do anything for me. She'd go out of her way to accomplish whatever we set out to do. She'd never leave my side; Ride or Die.

We must remember, there was once a time when women belonged to their men the way dogs belong to their owners. Sometimes, people move faster than society does. Women have waged wars against the world fighting for respect and equality and now that they're off the leash... most bitches don't know how to act. I would recommend, before we sign up for any war on behalf of another, you take a close look at what the majority is doing --Twerking for Instagram likes and Re-Vines. Women want to act like bitches don't exist. We also like to pretend like we are so fear removed from society's interpretation of who we are. I'm sorry to say this but... most women are simple. Most women, even when they successful in their own right, do things that are unbecoming of them as women. Most women are bitches...

& don't get me started on hoes.

& that's how I feel. *shrugs*

ELLA performing in Brooklyn 8.8.13

2013-08-07T12:49:00.000-04:00

If you've nothing else to do, I'm performing at Muchmore's in Brooklyn (Williamsburg) on Thursday, 8.8. Show starts at 8pm :) For my 40 minute set, I've got special guest @EastBrookFamilia on deck. Should be one hell of a show. Rhythm and Poetry for ya ;)

Hope to see you there!

Thursday August 8th, 8pm

Muchmore's
2 Havemeyer St. @ N.9th, BK
L to Bedford

$5 to vibe

***********************************************

Potion Collective Presents: BAD BITCH ALERT

A night of music and mayhem featuring the baddest bitches you know.

::President Ella::
www.facebook.com/presidentella
www.jwwwdmagazine.wordpress.com

::Lonesome Jenny::
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQdxNtFuGg

::Hand Job Academy::
www.facebook.com/HandJobAcademy
www.soundcloud.com/handjobacademy

::Mishti Vishti::
www.facebook.com/mishtivishti
www.mishtivishti.bandcamp.com

::Massage Club::
www.facebook.com/massageclub
www.massageclub.bandcamp.com

Also featuring a fiction reading from Liana Jahan Imam

***********************************************
Thursday August 8th, 8pm

Muchmore's, 2 Havemeyer St. @ N.9th, BK
L to Bedford

$5

See you there, bitchez!

Ask ELLA: What's Your Flaw?

2013-07-16T18:23:00.002-04:00

According to someone, somewhere, something I'm doing right now is probably wrong and something about me is incorrect. A woman working. Twenty something and not married. Melanin infected. The nerve of me. My favorite thing about me is how great people hate that I am. It's you who thinks that I'm great, why get mad at me? Went with the family to Coldstone the other day and got shade from everyone behind the counter. Of all the places in the world, why is everyone at Coldstone mad at me? So I tipped them. They ain't sing to me, tho. G shit, I guess.

People want me to have a flaw. I can never understand why people ask me that. What does that accomplish? My only flaw is that I am unapologetically myself. I don't concern myself with anyone. Why would I? I have no children. There's no ego involved here, just pure facts: I deserve every blessing I receive.I ask for mercy for any sins I might commit and I give thanks for all the gifts that come my way. I'm good to everyone. I love everyone. That, is my Achille's heel.

I pick the wrong people for all the right reasons. My grandetst fax-pas have been the "friends" department. I'd say I read people incorrectly, but the problem is, I read them too well. I cheer for the bad guy loudly and from the front row. I have a soft spot for public enemies, I take in strays and harbor fugitives. At least killers have the heart to follow through. I feel no sympathy for loss, losing or losers. I have such an intense desire to win I engage myself in every battle and every war, if not to completely annihilate the competition, then at least to moisten my sword. I do not fear anything and perhaps that is why you want to know my flaw. You want to find out where it hurts. What if it doesn't?

I've been there, twice probably. But unlike most, I probably opted out the second time. I always learn my lesson the moment it hits me. Sometimes I learn lessons from the lessons of the world. I don't need to know the effects of everything. No matter who you are, meth with fck your teeth up. Right? Guess I wouldn't know first hand, tho. *shrugs* There are just somethings I have to try. Some things I have to do. Sometimes, I gotta know what it feels like. Sometimes, I don't consider it wrong. Sometimes, you have to do the wrong things to rectify a situation. Sometimes you have to be that willing.

"You sing?" they ask. "I do what I want," I reply. "Whatever my heart tells me to do," I add to deflate the hate. I'm not a singer. I'm the writer of songs I like to sing. I'm also a whole person. I'm a woman. I'm a daughter. I'm an entry-level fckin employee. A performer. An entertainer. An artist. A sister. An inspiration. A motivation. An anomaly. But that depends on who you're asking. I'm a jerk. A btch even. The crazy-ex and the one who got away. I'm the one who took him, the one who donated him. A prude. A princess. A mogul. A freak. And I'm all of these; all day, all night. I am an artist. I do everything with love. I live with love. That's why it seems like I do nothing wrong --no matter the end product I never let it get me down, it's like I never lose. I appreciate life for what it is. I take each day for what it is. I never try to squeeze perfection out of anything, I accept everything as being perfect for what it is.

We can all be everything we want to be. The only thing you can truly do wrong is someone else. You can try to be someone else (and you'll never get it right) or you can actually do somebody dirty --and both these things are very wrong. On the flip side, that means the only thing you can do right is to be yourself, and to love others. I know people want to hate me. They look at me and hope they can dislike me. I don't know why. I don't know what their afraid of. I'm never sure why everyone thinks I want their man or that their man wants me, but if either of those are true, you've got quite a problem on your hands. I'll never pretend to be better than anyone but you can't convince me that being me isn't the greatest thing on Earth. God chose this. If you're mad at me for that, I'm mad at you for not feeling that same way.

I've always loved myself, even when I didn't. "Mírala, Mámi. Se cree una artísta," my brother used to say behind the blinds of our front windows. Look at her. She thinks she's a star. I've always had a thing for sunglasses and big cars. "Eso es high self-esteem, mijo," my mother would reassure him. I was an... okay looking tom-boy. Thick if you didn't focus on the teenage pudge, but too dark for most of the light skinned boys I hunted. On top of that, my hair wasn't long enough for me to confuse them. I played basketball and went to all the house parties. At 14, I became a weekends-only exhibit hood because, during the week, I was strapped up with books that weighed more than me at a private school two cities over. I hated myself, but I never felt bad. I've dated men grown enough to know not to ask me my age. I've gotten in the backseats of cars and tested my fate. I've cry and laughed myself to sleep. I've made existences unbearable and unbearable without me. I've entangled men in seduction I never knew I possessed and I've falling hopelessly, desperately in love. I've lived.

I don't know why I've never worried. When it came to books, I was never ensure of going to college or where my life would take me. I've always known that I was intelligent enough to get myself a decent job. I knew I would pay bills. What I had no concept of what who I would be --particularly in the eyes of others. You forget that people dont know you. How do they know what is or isn't you? How do they know what should or should not be tolerated? How can someone outside of you tell you what's right for you? I believe we chose our own battles. We chose when to lose. Sometime we chose to enter the war for wrong reasons. Ego is the wrongest reason --and you need that loss in order to bring you back down to earth. Sometimes we do the wrong thing because it's the right thing for someone else. We sacrifice our morality for others --hopefully it's for those you care for.

What is "wrong", really? Wrong is doing anything I don't want to do. So no. I never do anything wrong.

Sorry to disappoint,

Ella.

Ask ELLA: When Should You Quit?

2013-07-16T14:30:00.001-04:00

If I haven't made a complete fool of myself, I'm probably not done. I can't say that works for everyone, but you've got to decide which risks you're willing to take; You should also know how to follow up, should the consequences not be as you had hoped.

If you want something, you've got to go for it. Sounds as simple as it is. The most difficult thing about going after what you dream of is believing that you should. After you've asked yourself "How Do You Know it's Right?" the next thing to figure out are what the limitations of "right" are. It's sometimes difficult to give youself limits because... Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (Cor. 13: 4-7). But how much does one really endure before you finally decide to let go?

You can quit anything --and everything --should you want to. You can quit jobs, relationships, responsibilities... life if you despise it that much. You can end yourself at any given time (I wouldn't recommend it) but if you haven't, I suggest you take note of the reason why you haven't --there's something left. Sometimes we quit too soon. We think things are over without taking that final plunge and that is where the loss occurs. It's like forfeiting when you're down 1 in the last inning. It's foolish --and though you might feel foolish to sacrifice your pride and face a true loss at the end, it is in loss that we learn of our weaknesses so that we can improve come the next round. If you're anything like me, there will be a next round. I had the pleasure of listening to Hov' interview on Hot97, I've decided I'll follow his advice and "always believe that you're great even before anyone else believes it." Sometimes, the outside world makes me feel like less than what I am. I don't know if they believe in me, so I don't know if I should believe in myself. Sometimes, I feel like I deserve such great things that if they fail to reach that level, I'm disappointed. Still, I've learned that in order to be great, you've got to be great. In order to get what you deserve, you've got to play your role to earn it.

     If you don't get what you truly want, you'll never be satisfied --no matter how good everything else is. Some people are okay with being dissatisfied, they can ignore it forever. Someone like me can't get it out of her mind. When I want something, I can barely function until I get it. The worst feeling of all is wanting something but not knowing exactly what. With this in mind, I just follow my hear and say "fck the world," hoping it'll lead me wherever I'm supposed to be. I had a conversation recently about my art on0stage and I mentioned that sometimes, I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. But then I realized that, some people like that. And some people don't know the difference. The only one truly affected by what I decide to do next is me. The difference is whether they are happy with the decision I make.

Last night, I performed last night at the Nuyorican Poets' Café alongside East Brook Family. Might have been one of my best sets yet, actually. Only issue is, it's not what I needed to do. I performed the song I wanted to share... but there's a piece I need to share --it's just not ready yet. I had a couple of hours between work and the show where I debated what piece to share. There's the song I had ready, the song that expressed how I felt most and then the poem I felt obligated to present. At the end of it, I went with what I had ready. I've decided that somewhere in this process, you've got to also know when to hold back. Sometimes, when you want to quit, what you've got to do is just pull back a little bit and let things figure themselves out. Get comfortable before you go after it again. Come in with a clear head so that you can make the best decisions for yourself and all involved. Sometimes, you have to be your own parent --make better decisions for yourself than you even want to.

Not every choice you make will be "right" by the standards of the average passerby, but this is because your life is not that of the onlooker --you live your life. Whether you decide to push forward for what you want, take only yourself and your game plan into account. Sometimes,we take a look at the people beside us and say, if they're not where they're supposed to be, they're ruining my story. In reality, maybe that person isn't meant to be in your story. Maybe they don't have the same plans/goals as you do. Even if people have the same goals you do, the path they take to get there might be different, and you have to allow it to be. As confused as you might be by the decisions they make, don't let that affect yours. Your next move --whether you keep it grooving or cut it short --should be made by you with your best interests in mind. That's because anyone who cares for you would do that same; teach others how to treat you.

         My opinion: You shouldn't stay in situations that aren't beneficial for the long-run. That has a tinge of "gold digger" to it, but the benefits we are each looking for are different --depends on your game plan. If you have things you want, go for those things. If all you can get out of the current situation is less than what you deserve, perhaps it's time you look for something else. Before you do though, you must see if there is room for growth --like I said, sometimes we quit too soon. There's a delicate balance between patience and perseverance on the road to getting what you desire most.

         The key to knowing what to do next lies in your heart, everything should be based in love. You next move shouldn't be malicious or rooted in vengeance. It shouldn't be desperate. It should be peaceful. Your next move should be in line with all the moves you made before --if you meant those. I believe that you should be weary of how much your feelings "change". I know I speak cryptically, but this applies to romance, friendships, careers and all that. If you went into something talking about how it was your dream and all you've ever wanted, how easily will you give up on that? If you decide to quit on something, we'll all know you quit. When you are ready to handle that --and those responses --and you notice that you no long care about the response on the other end, it's time to let go. When you no longer love, or do "it" with love, it's time to call it quits - For the best of all parties. But if you love it... If you truly do... then you never ever give up. That's what I believe.

Long live love.

Ella.

Ask ELLA: How do you know it's right?

2013-07-09T13:22:00.001-04:00

Easy answer: If it's right, it can't be wrong, by definition. *shrugs* Life is simpler than we think. Sometimes, you've just got to submit to the reality of what is, and compare that to what you think it's supposed to be. From there, you can judge the situation. The only way to make sure things are "right" is to allow them to be what they are - naturally - as well as to deal with them in the same way.

"I'm calling people. It's getting annoying," were my first words. "Hey babe," is how Carl answers the phone for me & probably so many other of his friends, but I know he means me when he says it. I know he's happy to answer my call because, after 4 months of my not having a phone, conversations with me have become quite the commodity and I aim to keep it that way. During my hiatus from direct connections, people have a number of opinions, comments and questions. Some people called me out-right strange, others told me "it's 2013, yo," but most just wanted to know how I was dating. Truth is... I wasn't... really.

"I don't like anyone," I would say and shrug. No one could understand how I could stay sane without... dating. It's always amazing to me, though, how people clamor for "a love like a friendship" but can't manage to have a relationship without sex. If I don't like you, I don't give a fuck - how ya like that entendre? I swear to you my friendship with Carl is a marriage in its perfection - he's my best friend. And I know that one day he will put a ring on it, it's just that he's gay. *shrugs* "You just have things to say," he soothes me most appropriately by doing the one thing people tend to forget to do for me: listen. I've been learning recently that most people fail, not because they are incapable of achieving, but because they failed to understand. If you want to do things right, you must first understand what right is.

I gauge the entire world around me by how genuine my smile is. Sometimes I don't smile at all. Sometimes, depending on what's going on, I smile incessantly. Now, if you were going to decide what you should pursue or what you should do next, my only words of advice would be to do what makes you most happy. Still, you've got to pay closer attention to yourself and you emotions than any other thing on this globe. The moment you notice yourself smiling, take a step back and try to understand what exactly is making you so happy because that is what you need.

You know it's right when you can smile through the worst of times. I fear saying that only because it might encourage some people to ignore desperate, unhealthy situations, because he buys you shoes more than he cheats, more than he hits you. That's not what I mean; You've got to weigh the good and the bad (cliché, cliché) and make sure that the postive greatly outweighs the negative. Make sure whatever you're putting in is actually worth the stress that comes along with it -- the less stress the better. Also, if you can shift yourself from a stressful situation to a relaxed one, there is where you want to be. If you plan correctly, paradise should be the goal for every move you make, the destination at the end of every path you take.

You know it's right when there is no disagreement. Á la King Hov, "Facts only." All love is equal. Sure, people are different. The way we go about things are different. The way we communicate might be different, but the way you love is always the same. Love is rooted in faith, loyalty, dependability and respect. I take my understanding of love from the purest of places and judge everything against that. The way I love my family is the way I should be able to love my friends. The way I love my God is the way I should love pursuing the gifts he's given me. The way God loves me is the way I should love. God is "love" by my definition, so that is what I use as my ruler. I believe we all have different guides and different methods of measuring emotions and comparing interactions.

Keep people around you who love you purely for no reason. If you feel they have other motives, they probably do --either address it calmly or rid yourself of them completely. I believe that if you want to have the world turn in your favor, you have to participate as both your own most loyal fan and most valiant protector. Anyone who interacts with you (romantically or not) should treat you with the same adoration. Anyone who receives your art should hold you in the same esteem. Don't settle for exactly what is right by your definition. Decide what you deserve and then demand what you came for. And remember to shoot for the sun if you want to land on a star. At the same rate, don't be afraid to get hurt or burned - stars are, in fact, pure fire. Roses have thorns, so gardeners where gloves... sometime you have to make things work, not by changing what your goal, but how you go about it.

Yes, I believe in perfection... destiny and all that. But no, I do not think that means everything will happen in your favor. Nor that it will be easy to get through. Nor do I believe that what's right or perfect for me is what's right or perfect for anyone else --but that doesn't make it any less what it is. I believe that when things go wrong, it is your responsibility to reevaluate life and make it work in your favor. This is a tactic you should apply to everything you are forced to go through. All that "shit you'll never use" they teach you in school, that's actually your fault you haven't used it. If you know how to do something, do it. If you want to change something change it. If you want something, you've got to act accordingly. If you want to win, you have to force others to lose. If you want to receive, you must give. If you want to be loved, you must love. If you want loyalty you must be loyal. If you want a friend, you must be one. The way you know it's right is when you don't have to worry about what you do, or what's coming your war. It's the equivalent of making money in your sleep; no worries. You know when it's right when even the most disturbing of thoughts are outweighed by the fact that, because you deserve better, you'll get it.

You know it's right, when you know you deserve it to be.

You know it's right, when you can say it's right... and mean it. If it's right to you, that's the right way to go.

Buena suerte <3

ELLA

ASK ELLA: How do you Stay Cool?

2013-06-17T14:09:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, you've really got to chill. The most difficult question to answer in life is "When?" Time is the one thing you have no control over. There is no way to speed it up, or slow it down, or pause it for a second while you... whatever. No matter what you do, time keeps moving, which means, shit's gonna happen. I've realized that people call me "reserved" but it's really that it takes a lot to make me act wild/irrational... If anything. I am Miss America at heart and want nothing but peace in my life, so I allow nothing to disturb that.

"When you have the conversation that needs to be had, you'll say everything that needs to be said," he told me. Carl speaks like a prophet sometimes and I love it. Sometimes I feel like I have this group of apostles standing behind me and that is actually the most important piece of keeping cool: Keep level headed people around you. We humans are so susceptible to peer pressure, that it seems to me a good idea to trick yourself into being better than you are (no offense). When the people around you have high expectations of you, you are more likely to try to impress them. Still, it is what they actually consider "impressive" that'll guide your actions. Carl is only impressed when I do the impossible, the almost saintly. It's not that I am a saint, but I talk all this mess about being a "good" person, that I feel like I need to prove to him that I can be. Beyond that, by doing "good" I make him proud, and that is the best feeling of all.

The pride your friends feel in your success is only second to the pride you feel for impressing them. There is nothing worse than the feeling of disappointment, of failure. Sometimes, we fail those who love us, in order to impress those we love. This is a real... high school sort of idea, where you do what your friends are doing so that you can be cool, and end up disappointing your parents or getting low grades due to your actions. What if you could be "perfect"? What if you could be the perfect friend? The perfect daughter, mother, son... lover? Is that impossible? Is perfect truly impossible or is that what people think is impossible? Sometimes, perfect is doing what people consider wrong. Perfect might be ending a relationship. Sometimes, perfect is slowing down a relationship. Sometimes, perfect is doing the exact opposite of what you want to do. Sometimes, perfect is holding yourself back... but mostly, perfect is not having to worry. Perfect is making sure that each decision you've made is one you would recommend all should follow.

"So are you married? No husband?"

"Not yet," I said through a smile. "He's out there somewhere."

"So... What? You're not ready yet?" he pressed on, his intentions still unclear.

"God isn't ready yet. That's not something I need to worry about. When he's ready. I'm ready."

Your perfect might not be the perfect someone else was looking for. Your answers might not be what the other person is looking for. I've realized that the advice people give us, is only what they know --same applies to me. I would recommend you sit with your own thoughts and decide what is write and what is wrong. What is good and what is bad. At the end of it, you need to understand in your mind what you'd like the final product to be and then act accordingly to get there. Some people might find your path unbearable, but you wouldn't be able to follow their footsteps either, so don't judge. You can't always wait for people to give you advice or to lead you. You've got to get up and jump into the ocean to prove you can swim (I've been thinking about that phrase a lot lately). You've got to measure your own steps and gain control of your own existence while allowing others to do the same for their own life journeys. If anything, the only thing you can expect to be is a role model; lead by action. That's the only way to be comfortable --to be yourself.

Grow and progress, don't change. Jay just released his teaser/commercial for his new album, Magna Carter Holy Grail" in which he tackles the ideas of how to navigate through life's trails of failures and successes while still remaining yourself. I believe the way to do that is to make that your aim from the very beginning. It has to be the point. You've got to live your life as yourself and eventually, you'll find the pieces that are meant to fit beside you. One puzzle piece might be able to fit into two puzzles, but it only goes with one puzzle --unless it's a duplicate puzzle, but it'll always end up surrounded by the same pieces no matter what you do. Otherwise, it's just plain wrong.

The key is to never worry. As you continue with life, some options will simply nix themselves. By a process of elimination, you'll end up knowing exactly where you fit. The world is huge, but once you narrow down where you think you fit, you'll find where you know you fit, and it'll be easy. You don't have to force yourself to do anything. You should never have to stress. Granted, you will feel uncomfortable form time-to-time, but that's only because there is only one you --your steps will never have been made before. I'm scared all the time, I just ignore it. Fear is a human thing, so I find it offensive when it deters my spirit from doing what I want to (or should) do. Most of what I do is in having more confidence in myself than I really have. Even when I feel like I might mess up, or I might be judged, I still force myself to participate in the world. Even when I want to force the world to go the way I know it should be, I allow it space to become what it needs to be. For example, there is a video below of myself at The REAL Open Mic from November 2012, which I just found today. I might have heard 15 seconds of it (I glanced at the screen once) because I can't help but to judge myself by the world's standards (and my face looks fat -___-) . Frankly, I know I'm already better than the video below (and that my physical shouldn't have an effect on the words) but I had to have been willing to put myself out there in November so I that I could grow into who I am today. Sometimes, when I know I'm not ready, I throw myself in anyway. As long as you plan on getting better... as long as your end goal is better than what it is now, you're pretty groovy. Better yet, you've got to accept who you were. Love who you were... because that's exactly who you are. Everyone starts out an amateur. This is life: There's no rules to this shit.

ASK ELLA: Do you Believe in Destiny?

2013-05-30T16:17:00.002-04:00

I have no qualms against mediocre shit, it provides something for me to be measured against. The only concern arises is when mediocre is the best it gets. "What do you do?" is the question I'm asked most; if I can't sing a song to answer the question, I usually respond, "I write." If it has anything to do with words, I does that. Not only that, I do it beyond how I'm expected to. Better than that, I never cease to be myself. The way most people end up being mediocre is when they compare themselves against a standard: Most of the time you end up being a bad replica of something that already exists & no one really likes a copy. We need more original shit. Humans are each unique individuals; If I know anything for sure, it's that you were meant to be you.

If you're afraid to do something, you should probably go for it. " Everyone has this label for me," she'd said. My cousin, Pamela, and I rarely get together, but when we do, we're what life is about. "If someone's not doing something, it's because they don't want to, so we have to figure out what the real issue is," I had told my mom. Over the past couple of months, I've met many folks who want to tell me how to run my business and how to work with my partners. "I've got it," is the only way I can respond. You see, if I want to grant the ladies I work with "freedom" as contributors of this magazine, then I need freedom to be the "editor" by my definition. It takes people such a long time to believe that we do "JustWhatWeWannaDo" and that writers will actually contribute without a chain and whip. Truth is, not only do I not want to check in on anyone, but I shouldn't have to. Grown folk will do what they want to do when they want to do it. Not only will they do it, but they'll do it fabulously.

For any given situation, you can do one of three things: Fail, meet the standard, or exceed expectations. People will do anything depending on how much they really want the end goal. I firmly believe that the more you love something, the better you do. The real issue with the world is that expectations are so mediocre. No one expects you to be good at anything; more than anything, we're expected to fail. Impressing folks is difficult. "What impresses you, Sir?" I asked as we made our way through the nearest exit. You see, I've found myself fortunate enough to be in the company of folks as real as (and sometimes realer than) myself. I can't be trusted to avoid my emotions.

I never know what people want from me or if I should even care. My current dilemma lies in doing "what I wanna do" and providing a positive role model for young women. Sometimes I feel so restricted, and I know it's me restricting myself. We went to a mixtape release/showcase last night and watched a bunch of people rock the mic to their own accord. Quite frankly, I've seen very few do it the way EastbrookFamilia does it (even though I hate to watch myself). & I'm also still always a bit iffy when I rep EBF (no offense) cuz I'm not even from there. But... I think my art is of better quality than most, and I prefer to be associated with others I feel the same about. So goes the age-old question: If your friend sucked at something, would you tell them the truth or encourage them to keep going? "Brooklyn shows too much love," the homie had said, I just hope that never refers to me.

         Just keep improving and progressing. "Do you believe things are supposed to end up a certain way," she'd asked me. I have this vision in my head about how my life is supposed to turn out. I don't know what will happen in the middle. I don't know the exact footsteps to get there, but we can agree there is a path. The most difficult thing for people to do is to understand that between A and Z lie 24 other letters. If you have a goal in your head, think of the most ideal method of getting there --There. That is your path. You know what you should do to get there, so any variation is really on you. Sometimes, we look at our options and think, "no one would do that," so we don't try either --not knowing that it's our opportunity to do something new, to be great. Whether you're thinking of your career or of your love life, the most ideal situation is... ideal. So why wold you do anything else? Perhaps it's fear of failing that holds us back, when it's actually that exact fear that makes us fail. Maybe we're afraid of "looking dumb" but what is "dumb" really? They probably looked at Pythagoras like a lunatic when he said the Earth was round. But if you truly believe in something, you dedicate your life to it. For a destiny to manifest itself, you must have faith in it.

       I do a lot of things I'm afraid to do. If you encounter me in public, especially during a performance, I'm a lot more shy than even I expect myself to be. It's mostly because I'm never ready, but I fight my fear. The fear always exists, I just make sure I always win. The real way to win in life --and get the destiny promised to you --is the win the battles of daily life. Remember, in any given situation, you can do one of three things: Fail, meet the standard, or exceed expectations. In any given situation. This can go for how you dress. This can go for how well you do on an assignment. This can go for the impression you leave on your loved ones. This is why I'm kinder to people than they are to me. It's why I embrace strangers. It's why people confuse me for a naive little girl when I touch the stage because I prefer to smile and be happy than to threaten you with hidden artillery or entice you by swaying my hips. I know sex sells. I don't know if I'm sexy. I know gangsta shit rocks, but real gangstas don't speak about their realities for show --dummies do. "Dear brothers and sisters, don't be childish in your understanding of these things. Be innocent as babies when it comes to evil but be maturing in understanding matters of this kind (Corinthians 14:20)."

          Yes, I believe in destiny. I believe we control it, though. I believe it begins to happen as soon as you realize that whatever you want to be later, you must be now. Once you decide who you will be, it's your duty to get there. If you decide not to take those steps, that becomes a dream and you're destined to whichever path you chose instead. I am a Queen. Before the ball, Cinderella didn't have it easy and she was scrubbing those same floors when Mr. Charming came around with her slipper. They called Belle odd (in song, and in unison) for walking though the town with her face in a book. Snow White only found her Prince as her savior from assassination. Maybe that's overboard. Maybe those are just fairy tales. But real Queens make it through wars you've never heard of, using methods you'd have never thought to employ. No princess ever got her prince by saying "Fuck that nigga." No superstar made it by sitting in the crowd. If it sounds like the most naive, idealist move to make, it's probably the right one. I'm not saying it'll be easy. I'm not saying you won't have to watch out for those aiming to take advantage. I do encourage you to pray to whatever you believe in. Worst case scenario, pray to yourself. But you will need faith & an unwavering loyalty to whatever you love.

So... *toast* to the impossible. Meet you there <3

ELLA.

Capitalizing on Opportunities

2013-05-21T14:22:00.002-04:00

I've decided to just go with it. There's a minute sense of hesitation that comes with every opportunity that makes you question whether or not it's right for you. What we seem to forget is that only way to figure out if it's right or not is to try it. If it doesn't work, don't do it again. If it works, congratu-fuckin-lations.

I've embarked on the most bizarre part of my life ever. There are things I've always wanted to do but I never knew if I could or would. You see, I sing a little bit now. But... I never thought I was pretty enough or... good enough. Now, as I walk into venues I've been booked for, I get, "Wow, pretty," as I walk in and "I like your sound," as I walk out. Who'd have thought? This might sound like bragging to you, but... I never heard myself sing until last... March maybe? I lived on the 11th floor of a a building on 145th in Harlem and I would challenge myself to sing as I walked down the 11 flights of the stairwell (when the elevator was taking too long). The most effective thing I did to help my singing, believe it or not, was pray. I prayed I could just be me. I prayed I could do what I wanted and what I learned was that I had to do everything I wanted to do with love and not consider what other people thought or felt. If what I wanted was to pursue a career as an artist to make me free and happy, then I had to actually be those things. Immediately.

I rhyme, too. But now I'm too pretty for that. It amazes me because I lie a lot less than these other brothers who rhyme and you should see the shine in the eyes of the crowds as they wonder if and when I'm going to fuck up. But... as my favorite bars go, "They looking for my flaws, but I'm tip-top, bitch, I do what I want." Trust me, my curses have never been so beautiful. I've a vulgar little thing. I remember when Eddie, in the third grade, told the teacher I had called him a son-of-a-bitch in the playground. We were playing tag. He was trippin if he thought he would catch me -- and so was Ms. Mellilo. I learned then to do what I do now, smile and keep it moving. I peformed with Bobby Stone and various others the other night (Saturday, May 18th) and I realized that I was in there alone. bobby had invited me, and I had seen him perform with Juicy Stone before, but other than that, it was me, no crew. A little girl from CF in the middle of Brooklyn, makin it do what it do. And I was dope. And I didn't have to dog anybody or threaten any one's life (lol). I could just be me. I went in there and approached it as family. I felt the vibes and can leave it all nameless because... it doesn't really matter, but I show love to everyone. All I want to do is be dope. I love the stage. I love the mic. I love my art. & that's what I was there for. Especially with females who don't like to get along with one another because we want to be "the baddest bitch," it didn't phase me. I wanted to talk shit, I really did... but I loved everyone in there and I didn't need to know them. & frankly, I don't even want to . I just wanna rock the mic.

I suppose people think I'm incapable of holding my own or being the G I was born as because my smile is far too genuine. Thing is, I have nothing to be mad at. I have nothing to fear. I have no questions. I've always told God to speak through me, especially since the days I attended a Quaker high-school. If you know anything of the Friends religious society, you'll know that they hold their "church" in complete silence and are sometimes given prompts to help direct their thoughts on a topic or situation. Anyone in attendance is allowed to speak at anytime, with the idea that God is speaking through that person. I loved that. I loved a lot of things people found odd.

I'm a smart girl from one of the worst school systems in the country. In the 8th grade I decided to guarantee my future and I continue to do so today. I've never been in need of accompaniment. When I was 6, my mother was arrested for making moves to put food on our plates and imprisoned because she chose not to snitch. For two years, I had no family... and when we finally got back together, that didn't change much. Not until recently have I gained a better understanding of family, and now I value that woman for what she's done for me. I'm big on "Family First". At the same rate, I don't need anyone to approve me or back me on anything I do. I'm just fine all by myself.

When I need to do something, I do it without questions. When someone wants me to perform in a show, I show up. When my name is called, I approach the mic by myself. These are the same things that happen when the first of the month comes around and rent is due, as well at when the 15th comes around and my car note plus insurance are automatically deducted from my bank account. I've never been the type to need to bring everyone to the bathroom with me so they can here me piss. You see, no one waits on what you need something, but you will always need things. The only way you can make sure you are covered, is to cover yourself. You can't depend on anyone to stand beside you, instead plant both your feet firmly on the ground and prepare yourself. Every tomato plant needs a stick to hold it up so it can grow correctly. I know that's corny but, the stick never asks for recognition. & that's real. If you don't need the help, don't go out and ask for it. Granted, some people do. But the Apple tree grows on it's own and bears fruit just fine.

The lack of opportunity is also an opportunity in itself. If no one will help you, that's a chance to strengthen yourself. If no one will support you, that's a chance to prove you can do it yourself. The darkest moments in our lives are our opportunities to learn to shine. I've got to be a real person now and say that I feel this very same way about relationships. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and perhaps that's because I'm getting lonely. Truly, though, the alone time I have is time I can use to chase my dreams. Yes, I would love to have someone (loyal, faithful, trustworthy and helpful) by my side, but until then, I have to be everything I need for myself. Not only that, but I have to take advantages and make them into what I want them to be. If I want to excel in my business, I only hold conversations about my business. As a female, I think we get wrapped up in thinking that we have to flirt of be involved in order to get placements in certain places. but if you believe in yourself and your product, you should let the product speak for itself. Eventually, when you get bigger and better, people will realize that it wasn't just a fluke You are are that dope. They'll have no choice but the respect it. Little do they know, though... the stock price has gone up.

Don't wait on anything. If you need something, figure out how to get it. If you feel something, feel that completely. You must act in order to do what you need to do. The outcome, whether positive or negative, will at least provide you learning experience. And be warned, when you do things how you want to do them, people will say you're wrong. They'll tell you that's not the right way because they've never seen it done like that before. You must continue to be yourself. You must chase your dreams with the purest passion you have. Love yourself like you want someone to love you. Love others the way you wish you could be loved and then love yourself more. Be your number one supporter. Cheer yourself on all the way to the finish line. Sometimes we fall. But if you want something, you have to at least try.

& so here we are...

I'll be on the radio with DJ FB on Thursday (night), May 23rd from 12a-3am. Rhode Island can tune into 90.3FM or the whole world should go to http://WRIU.ORG and listen LIVE.

I'm also the featured artist for The Potion Collective's Memorial Day BBQ + Showcase on May 27th. It's FREE all day (1:30pm-12a) and there's an open mic from 7:30pm-10pm. I hit the stage at 10pm. I have a 25 minute slot, so come through and enjoy if you're in Brooklyn <3

If ever you question if you should follow my advice, I give you this last piece of advice: Don't believe me? Just watch.

Thank you all for reading. Had to get those emotions off my chest. <3

Bout to blow up,

ELLA <3

Not My Man

2013-05-16T12:20:00.000-04:00

5.16.12

Exactly one year ago I thought....

That's not my man... because he's not. So every time I want to do for him, I have to sit back and ask what she's doing for him. F*cks him? Because she's not helping him out in any other area of his life. I sat back and listened to your man complain about the difficulties of following his dream. Have you listened to him? If so, are you planning on doing anything? Because he's still feeling it enough to speak of it.

& If you haven't handled it... now, do I have to? I'm not here to pick up slack. Where you fail, you'll be seen failing. If you want to be number one, you better play your roll, boo. Cuz I'm not playing #2.

Love is love, though. I wish everybody the best.

5.16.13

Today I think....

I suppose it's no woman's job to take care of a man. Have you ever met one of those guys who gets women to buy him things? I always find it impressive. I'm the type of woman who likes to buy, so it's interesting to see the other side. It's heartbreaking that we can no longer give to people without being abused. I'm good to my friends and my friends happen to be males. But... I've entered this point in my life where I don't like to keep anything to myself. I prefer to share. I don't like the spiritual burden that comes with greed.

Where is the line between a brotha who's trying to make it, and one who wants you to make it for him? Is it right to stop dating a man because he's not financially at the same place you are? I think that would be wrong. I think the better move is to never involve yourself in the first place. Sometimes, I think I'll sit waiting for Mr. Perfect forever, but at least I won't end up with Mr. I Guess He'll Do.

I've been wondering a lot lately why I'm single. Lol. It's not that I'm worried, but I want to know what the exact reason is. I wish I could know what other people think the reason is. My reason (right now) is that men become burdensome, they turn into children. If you form a true relationship with a man, you cook, clean and do all that stuff for him. Frankly, I don't have the time to cook and clean after myself sometimes. Sometimes, I go in for a $1 slice or a hotdog because I'm just that tired or my pockets are that tight. Not only do I not have the time for a man, but I can't afford him either --if he's not kicking in.

Men think women are the only ones who need money spent on them. Men like gifts, too. Unfortunately, I'm the type to play wife immediately. I believe that if you are who you are, you need to be who you will be. So if you plan on marrying a man, be his wife, ring or not. Catering to a man will still cost you a dollar, but it'll go to a different place. The other issue with men is that you can never cater to just your man. You have to cater to his entire family and his whole crew. When a man dates a woman, he takes her on a date. When a woman dates a man, she's making dinner for everyone.

I'm actually glad I don't have a man. I haven't been stressed in over a year. I haven't been questioned. I haven't had to do anything. I don't worry about where anyone is or who I'm with and how they'll feel. Of course, I consider my surroundings and the company I keep and how that affects how I'm perceived, but I don't worry about anyone's emotions. I also don't have to worry about anyone's finances. I care for my friends and where they're going in life, but when you're in a relationship, that is one life --at least is should be. That said, that person's problems become your problems. Their concerns become your concerns. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend (as much as I despise those titles) you can't sit back and say, "he/she can deal with that." If you can provide a solution, you provide it. If you can't, you help brainstorm. You do whatever you have to to get the job done and get the issues resolved. I feel you should be 1000% invested in each others' futures, goal, dreams, aspirations, etc. Or maybe I expect too much in relationships. I've been told that before. Maybe that's why I'm single.

lol.

Sincerely,

ELLA.

Patiently Dating.

2013-04-22T15:28:00.001-04:00

We rush into things when they're perfect, and that's what ruins everything. I've realized that I actually don't know anything and neither does anyone else. We barely know ourselves, how can we trust anything outside of that? Everything always changes, the best thing we can do is sit back and watch it become what it's meant to be. Worry will kill you while you're still alive. The secret to a long life is patience.

Love and life are the same exact thing. I consciously measure the pros and cons of each opportunity that lays on my place and every man all up in my face. I can't count how many pieces I've written trying to claw my way to love but that, in itself, should tell you that I don't have all of the answers. All I have is one question:

Would you rather spend the rest of your life alone, doing what ever it is that you do, or crying in an endless battle for happiness?

You'll never catch me stressed out. I called my mom this morning, and she told me Salle Mae's been calling. Truth is, Sallie Mae aint getting a penny until the rest of my life is paid off. Perhaps this isn't the most financially savvy move, but what I need is a raise. Meanwhile, I cut my phone off and am saving and extra $120 a month --with which I bought a bistro set and am working on my garden. I cry because I'm human and feel emotion, but crying or yelling about dealings with a man? You won't catch me. Worried about where some man is? You won't catch me. Wasting my time calling up some man's phone? You won't catch me. The real issue most women can't find the "right" guy is because you continue to make exceptions, allowing undeserving men into your life just so that you won't be lonely. The same way men choose the pretty girl to date, just to have her, women date random men, simply for company. They say that when you know, you know. If you don't know, why would you involve yourself?

I'm lonely, but I think God for it. I'm not perfect, but I hold my head with pride. I sometimes feel like I'm doing too much by not doing anything at all. When people ask me for advice, I give them the ideal answer --the best answer I can come up with-- but they respond as if I'm asking for too much. I can't say that I'm perfect, but I'm trying to get as close as possible. & If I can help you be more perfect than I am, so be it. Sometimes life isn't about correct, it's about being appropriate. You don't have to be the perfect person to be perfect for a job, or to be perfect for love. The most beautiful thing about both careers and relationships is that both institutions are looking for particulars that are perfect for them, not in respect to the world. Lyfe Jennings' "Statistics" is the best song for this in his lyrics laying instruction for , "Don't be a nickle out here looking for a dime". If you're not bringing enough to the table, you aren't going to get what you came for. Either you're not ready to put your bid in, or you're at the wrong table.

Perhaps the issue isn't that perfect isn't possible, but people aren't willing to work for it. If you want perfect. you have to be perfect. If you want to score 100% on an exam, you have to get all the questions right. It seems to me that people want perfect, but don't want to answer the questions. If you take a moment to consider that perfect person/job you want, think about what their perfect candidate would be because it might not be you. This isn't to say that it will never be you, but you have to be realistic about where you stand. If you want a 6-figure corporate job, expect to be worked to the bone and earn that cash. If you want a relationship where a person respects, desires, uplifts, supports and cares about you, you have to be willing to do the same. This also goes for moral standards. Most women want a man who will do A-Z, but you've slept with a man who's name starts with the letters A-Z. If you want the best out of your life, it isn't just about the things you do and what you bring to the table. How long it all lasts depends on who you are and what that table is built from in the first place.

Loneliness and desperation can rob you of all you were meant to have. If you're worried about keeping a man or a job, there is a reason behind it. No good company and no good man would let their most valuable person go. We've got to be honest about that. & if you are valuable and being let go, then there should still be no worry because your references will back you up. If those guys really weren't worth your time and didn't deserve you, there's no reason to stress it. Still, as a cognitive being, I'd pray you'd take note of whatever went wrong last time and make sure it's not in your next relationship. Yes, we do have to be wiser. Perhaps even a bit more cut-throat. You can't give all these niggas a chance, honestly. The real about that is that every guy you let in is another guy. We can debate double standards but the fact of it is, it is what it is. When you meet someone, what they're measuring you up with is, not only their past, but anything that might present itself in the future. Whatever details follow you along will have to be addressed and the person has to say "Can I deal with that?" The trick to this is, if you work on yourself to be the kind of woman your ideal man would want, you have nothing to worry about. But you must be patient if you still aren't that ideal woman. The answer is not to lower your expectations, but to improve your situation.

        The issue with waiting for "The One," is that it takes a long time to wait while the rest fail. Here's the truth: Most likely, the path to the one you're mean to be with, to the goals you aim to accomplish, is very long and very lonely --and they're supposed to be. It's amusing to me how we can search for "The One" and Soul Mates" and expect them to come so easily in a world full of billions of beings. Meanwhile, you're soul mate is somewhere on the other side of the world and you're sitting back, stressed about the wrong person. NOTE: If it's stressful, it doesn't fit. Anything that brings you stress is not meant to be. It's doesn't fit. We fit this stress into our lives and make exceptions. Then, when that very same thing goes wrong, we feel poorly about ourselves. It is so much better to be happy and happiness is worth any cost. Happiness simply takes a long time to achieve, especially complete happiness. If life is as long as we hope it'll be (I'm rooting for 100+) we have a bit of time to find ourselves. If your relationships in the moment aren't working out the way you want them to, remember two things: 1.) Make use of the time at hand and 2.) There is always more time.

   When you're at your loneliest, find yourself. There will be nights he doesn't respond and nights when no one responds. During those nights, what do you do? You can call someone else, but if you're waiting on Mr. Right, how right does it make you to look for entertainment elsewhere? Will your loneliness always drive you to find attention elsewhere? Be patient in your search for the right one as it'll train you to be patient with him. Not everything will go right in your relationship (or so they say) and you won't always be side-by-side with that person. Instead of having to get into a relationship and fighting and fussing to learn that, maybe you can try to swallow that pill and accept it to being with? Our ability to deal with the difficult affects the outcome of those testing situations. If you are impatient in finding your man, you may be impatient with other things in your relationship. In any relationship, patience is key. You've got to learn who that person is an decide what you will or will not deal with. Finding "The One" isn't about finding anyone and making them perfect, it't about finding the perfect person and dealing with whatever happens afterwards.

         Use your time. While no one is texting or calling you, instead of scrolling through your contacts trying to find entertainment, do what you need to do. Get some errands done. Work on that business plan you've been meaning to work on. A true love will fit into your life seamlessly, without disrupting your schedule or your progress. This way, you can continue to be yourself and continue to love yourself. Sometimes we feel disregarded or unloved because we're not getting attention from someone else, but every time you need attention from someone else, ask yourself why you won't give that attention to yourself. If all it takes is a bottle of wine and a pair of shoes to make you happy, can't you do that for yourself?

     Love and befriend yourself. Love should come from everywhere, not just an intimate relationship. Take your time to get to know people, as well as to learn to love people. Move calmly. Don't expect anything from your relationships, allow them to turn into what they're destined to be --some are distined to last forever, others aren't. Some of us (especially strong women of color) are so bold, driven and busy we don't have time for ourselves and expect someone else to pay attention to us and treat us like ladies. But you've got to be willing to put in the work on your end. If there's something you think is "wrong" with you, either fix it or love it boldly. Same comes for men. If there's something you don't like about him, either love him or leave him alone. Stop with the drama. Stop with the forcing relationships because you're lonely. If you want something that feels natural and just happens and the stars align... you've got to wait for them to align.

ELLA

P.S.
        Trust me if you want to. Don't if you don't. Sometimes I write these in order to keep my own head high. If I don't believe in my own dreams, no one else will. It's disheartening that I have to call these dreams. Love shouldn't be a dream but, in my opinion, we don't work heard enough for it. This world is full of temptations. We do things we know isn't right. We involve ourselves with the wrong people knowing where it will end up. As a writer, I put it all into words the nicest way possible but... if you haven't found the one, there are probably things you have to improve of yourself, and some of these things, only time can change. You must be patient with yourself as well as patient the world. If you rush the baking process, the cake simply doesn't come out right. I think we all need to slow down and stop stressing ourselves out so much. Love is important, but that comes form family and friends as well. If you're rushing to be in a relationship, you might just be taken hold by the physical sensations of it. If you can learn to ignore the physical, you can really fall in love with a person which might help with the state of your overall relationship. What are you really looking for? I suggest you move with patience and give yourself time to find that out.

Never stress, tho. Stress is never good.

Is Gun Control the Answer?

2013-04-18T13:47:00.003-04:00

Guns are so important to the history of the American people, that our right to bear arms follows our freedom to believe in the God of our choice, and the freedom to voice our concerns. Are our inherent freedoms now too free?

Freedoms lose their strength as soon as we need to write them into law. Unfortunately, sometimes it take a bunch of old folks to sit down in a room and yell at each other to establish human rights. Because if it's in ink, it matters more? We've seen this happen on every subject from racial equality to gay-marriage. In this world, people can't simply be --they must be allowed to be.

Perhaps I'm from the wrong side of the tracks, but I understand the need for a pistol and hope to get one of my own. Simply, I'm not comfortable with law enforcement carrying weapons as a standard if I don't have the right to as well. What do they need to protect themselves from that I'm not also supposed to protect myself from? In addition, with cases like Kimani Gray and Trayvon Martin, I have very little confidence that those who are supposed to protect me can or will. Without having to do much, some people in this country are criminals simply for what they look like or where they live. Feelings like these are similar to those felt by the first founders of this nation --who searched for an escape from the unjust legislation of English rule which imposed unfair taxes and unjust judgment. Funny, because it seems that is the same condition I feel today. Still, I recognize that other people live on the other side of the tracks.

On Wednesday, April 17th, senate failed to pass various gun control proposals:

Extend background checks to internet and gun show sales - 45 in favor, 55 against
Ban Assault weapons - 40 in favor, 60 against
Ban high Capacity Magazines - 46 in favor, 54 against
"Concealed weapons permit" valid in any state - 57 in favor, 43 against.

You can still buy your assault weapon (with an extra magazine) on the internet and bring it with you from state-to-state as long as you have a piece of paper that says it's okay. Obama called this "a pretty shameful day for Washington." This may have been an opportunity to avoid repeat of the Newton shooting, but wouldn't have addressed the fact the people are choosing mass murder as a way to alleviate whatever is going on in their lives. The background checks would bar people with mental disorders and cases of psychological disorders/treatments from buying guns. I understand this, but I suppose I am far more concerned with the fact that so many America citizens have these mental disorders. In my humble opinion, I believe there needs to be more research as to what American's are facing - mentally- and how to improve the spirits of the American people.

Frankly, I'm not sure how this can be addressed, but I will hold onto my rifle. The Amendments were added to the consitution to protect our individual rights. Unfortunately guns are real. Even those allowed and trained to use these weapons have been found to use them incorrectly. Perhaps we need more training to familiarize ourselves with these weapons and learn to use them correctly. Guns are the most powerful things in that even the smallest gun can end a life. The way I feel about guns is the way I feel about liquor. Europeans don't have an issue with drunk driving like Americans do because the liquor isn't a big deal. If guns weren't such a hot topic, and people were regularly trained on how to manage them, maybe we'd have a better turn around. We only see guns as forces of retaliation and defense even though they were once hunting instruments. We need to rid ourselves of the anger and aggression our people feel. Perhaps the capitalist pressures of this country, combined with manifest destiny make us want to go to war so badly. We must retaliate, right? It's the American way, isn't it?

If people don't know how to use their guns, I just want to learn how to use mine. Some people wish guns would go away all together, but I believe in my right to bear arms because every time I see a police officer, I wonder if he considers his army different from mine --and he probably does.I know that guns kill people. I also know that knives kill people. And enough aspirin will take you out. There are many ways to die and many ways to kill. I think it's a waste of time making legislation to try to avoid all these terrors instead of trying to find ways to stop these terrors from happening. You can take the gun away from the shooter, or you can find why he become a shooter in the first place and address that. Whether I need to say it or not, I think ignoring these issues is sorta like ignoring the "In God We Trust" printed on our currency. What do we really care about? I supposed taking all guns off the street would be the best answer: Like how Communist leaders like to burn books.

I'm an idealist, I know... but I won't lower my expectations of what a government should/should not do. What they should do is find ways to make people interact better with each other --most of this is parenting. That Newton guy went in for his mom. What they will not do is take away my right to protect myself, because the government, honestly, doesn't always do a great job. I agree with Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, regarding his staement to the NY Times: "Like most American's, I want to keep firearms out of the hands of criminals and dangerous mentally ill people [but the bipartisan plan] overly burdens a law-abiding citizen's ability to exercise his or her Second Amendment rights and creates uncertainty about what is and is not a criminal offense." It's bizarre how a person can be unsure what exactly their rights are. See yours below, but there are plenty more for us to dissect.

Good luck, America. God Bless.

http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/bill_of_rights_transcript.html

http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/GPO-CONAN-1992/html/GPO-CONAN-1992-10-3.htm

Is Perfect Possible?

2013-04-12T16:33:00.004-04:00

It's tough to say no. Makes you the one to spoil the fun. You're called "uptight" and "reserved" every time a man asks you to "stand up, lemme see what you got," and you politely say you'd rather not instead of spitting in his face. But when I meet people who question me, I wonder: What kind of women will you marry? Or, what kind of woman are you? Not that I'm perfect, but fuck, can't I try? That's not allowed? If it's perfect for me, isn't that enough? Isn't that what it's supposed to be? What some people don't like about me, others love. What some people don't like about me is that I make them question themselves. I say no to a lot of the things most people say yes to. But I'm also willing to make a lot of moves most people haven't even thought of. I guess the secret is to try to.

For most of my existence, I was just living. When I was 6, I wanted to be a veterinarian and a singer. At 15, I wanted to be a poet. My first year of undergrad claimed I wanted to be a psychiatrist, but my degree claims I'm a Advertising professional. My gift with words garners me the title of "writer" but I'm in desperate need of a copy editor. When I put my scripture to music, people are startled and it trips me up. Not until I've gotten really involved with this JWWWD Magazine thing did I realize that all I wanted to be was happy with myself. For the most part, you do what you're supposed to do until you start to reconsider exactly what it is you're supposed to do. Everything changes with every single step on the path of life except yourself --especially if you want it to. The only thing you know is yourself. For this reason, I've decided to write an open letter to me. I'm the only one I can truly trust to betray me. I feel so alone that I'm incapable of depending on anyone. The strength people see in me someone hinders their conversations with me, they're afraid to offend me or lie to me, so most times, people say nothing at all. I understand. Frankly, I fear me, too & am trying to cope with it, myself.

Life gets tougher once you've entered the race. I fight myself everyday, even though I don't have to. I push myself to be a better person because there simply is no other option. I'm always better than myself because I expect me to be the best. It's harder to be a good person than you'd think. People are proud of me, and I'm always confused as to why. I know what sparks them to say so, but what I do isn't incredible, it's just real. What disappoints me is how odd I seem to the rest of the world when I keep it real. I haven't changed much; I supposed that's why I'm proud of myself. Only thing that's changed about me are my dishonest actions. I've never been a liar, but I've lied. My grandest flaw was in not giving a fuck about people's feelings. I knew a long time ago that no one knew me. I also knew that "love" is specific, but each individual defines it distinctly. Some people only love you if and when and for as long as you're around.

I have a problem with being too honest. The honest truth is that I don't care about anything enough to lie. Not to mention, I'm in a good place in life where anything that might go wrong, won't really affect me. I don't commit any real crimes. I twist a jay as often as I can, but there are plenty Americans voting for the legalization of Mary and Maria on our soil. As people become more comfortable speaking their minds, they realize their thoughts aren't too far from mine, and if they are, they're comforted by the fact that I really don't give a damn.

I love everyone like family. This leaves me open to getting the purest love in return as well as leaves me victim to any wrongs those people might commit --and commit against me. It's the reason I can't hang out with people anymore. The truth is, I take full responsibility of whoever I'm around and love them completely. My biggest issue occurs when I come across ideas of what they do behind closed doors and/or in men's text messages. If a man talks about your private dealings publicly, he doesn't respect you. If you deal with men who do things like this, you don't respect yourself. If you hang out with girls who don't respect themselves, it's tough to respect you... so I stay in the house. "You have such a good spirit," I'm told often and, on this day, by the Q8 bus driver who goes by "T". I catch him on the 9:27a leaving Spring Creek and he always waits for me as I run across the street, late as usual. We spoke about the ability of people to do both right and wrong... as well as their ability to choose to do one over the other.

"There's that 'Turn the other cheek' thing," I proposed.

"But people misunderstand that, I think. You know, the way it's written in the bible," he said mid-hello to the next person getting on the bus. He'd asked me if I appreciated him because he stopped the bus for me, or because of his humanity. I told them I shouldn't have to say I appreciate his humanity, but I did. Our conversation moved beautifully from there.

"So what do you think it means?"

"It means that no matter what someone does to you, you're gonna hold your ground. You're gonna stick to your beliefs," he explained.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have my beliefs. It's gotten to the point where I can't speak to anyone without talking about God. I can't hold back my opinion and being a female makes those opinions come off as "emotions." Being a female has been the greatest thing to happen to me, though. People listen because they expect me to be shallow or unintelligent and are completely shocked when I say something that makes sense. I navigate worlds not meant for me because people think I have a pretty face. I can get invited onto the tour bus or into VIP at the rooftop party but I always have to cut my visits short because some men get frustrated when they get closer to the fact they're never gonna hit it and it'll take more than an iced-out wrist to persuade me.

Sometimes I think my standards are too high. I expected to be treated like a lady no matter where I go. I like my doors held open and my drinks brought to me. I evaluate people as full beings and try my hardest to stay away from judgment while shedding light on the truth. I wrote my last post on Jay-Z's "Open Letter" and while I believe in everything I wrote, I'm still nervous that I wrote it. I know because I couldn't have it read in front of me last night. I still care about people and their spirituality. I care about souls. I think that people should be better people and if we could learn to care for and respect each other, the world would be a better place. I don't know if this is possible in my lifetime, but it's possible in theory --just like Communism. Even the people we love the most have flaws. That's why I believe that the people who love you most are the ones who know exactly what's wrong with you. I wonder if "love" means loving someone aside from their flaws or helping that person see those flaws and decide if they are actually flaws at all.

I don't like anything that's not real. Fake people stress me out and make my back hurt. Fake hair, nails, lashes and all that make me uncomfortable. It's not that I haven't worn them, or that I won't I just need to know that I love me the way God made me, best. Anything I add onto my body is an accessory. Just like any accessory I'd use, I'd need to switch it up. "Love the bangs!" Everyone loved the bangs, but it was a temporary look. I'd gone to a Fetish Party (lol, yesss and it was awkward and dope. I'm a latex and leather kinda girl. Got myself a whipp and everything <3 ) and decided to give them the Mia Wallace look. I wore this same wig when I bought my car. It's really just something for me to throw on when I'm either in a rush or bored... not for a look. I don't want to change me... that's what I'm afraid of. Some people talk "all natural" for food but nothing else. I just like to be me.

The toughest part about loving myself is understanding what that means. I don't love myself because I think I'm better than anyone... or that I'm doing a better job than anyone. I love myself because I admire the effort I'm putting into my life. I never thought I could be a good person. I actually thought I'd end up like most other girls I know: a kid, two jobs and no car. Nothing against them, I just applaud myself because my reality is the fairytale I prayed for. I get scared when people love me because I feel like they don't know anything about me. I'm the girl who's always by herself and no one asks why --even though I know they wonder. It's difficult to tell people you don't trust human beings without offending them. It's more difficult to pretend to be other than you are.

"I'm sorry," is the phrase I use often. I apologize to people for being myself all the time. In a second's notice, my conversations get personal and heavy while I'm telling people how much I love them and how the world needs improvement. I'm just unsure of how people deal with me. I admire my friends because I'm not easy to put up with --you never know what I'm going to say, but it's going to be some real shit and you don't know how that might end up either. People respond to me semi-well. Females have a hard time with me: I make them question their righteousness. They compare themselves to me and try to put me down instead of understanding that I'm just doing the best I can and if I happen to be doing better than them, I'm happy to leave footprints. Men have a difficult time because I'm nice to all of them so they secretly attempt to woo me. When they find out I'm not interested or too focused on my own life, they get upset and turn away."You can't do that," I was told once. "You're going to scare guys away."

"If he's gonna run, he better run fast," I told him.

I feel like I'm going to be alone for a while and it frightens me that I'm not scared. Apparently, everything works wonderfully through God, so I've begun to pray so much I feel I'm high off righteousness. I read the bible at lunch. I promise you, I was never this good of a person. I use to mack them to distract them and then left them like nothing happened. I started going to clubs at 15 and, in college, partied everyday of the week except Sundays and Tuesdays. But I've always been bright. I always had limits. I was never really pretty, at least I never thought so. I don't know where this all came from --the men who stop and stare and do anything I want them to. The females who want to be my friend, complimenting me like they care. In my head I'm still short, chubby, black and ugly as ever, however... I drive German now and that really makes a difference.

I feel so comfortable being me. I don't even care what it means. I simply... don't think. I just move with my heart. No matter how awkward... because I never feel normal anyway. But at least I'm sure that whatever I did is what came from me, from the purest part of me. No motives. No schemes. The most uncomfortable feeling in the world has to be figuring out how to be yourself. There are things I still haven't said about myself. That might be tough to believe with how much I write, but I live and learn everyday. I've got to give the world small pieces of me, because they obviously can't handle much. I'm not interested in slowing down... I just can't wait for the day I can be open and honest about everything without feeling the least bit of fear. That, is really, what I'm aiming for.

What I'm here for is to show you that you might not be the only one struggle. People will want you to change, but you can't, so you should work on making you as good as possible. They've got to accept you as you are. People probably want these posts to be shorter, but they won't be. You've got to take it as I give it to you. Getting to the top of the mountain is difficult and lonely... but not so much as you think. Not if you have the right equipment. Not if you have peace of mind. Not if you've gotten rid of your fear. If you're a good woman, it's like you can't have fun anymore. It means you're boring. You can't do anything. You sit at home and cook and clean... but perhaps our definitions of "fun" should be reevaluated... just maybe. Or maybe this is just me and, if it is, I'm okay with that, too.

What is a woman, really? That's the next post. CLICK HERE to find out how you can help me on my journey & win some FREE goodies :)

Thank you for reading <3

ELLA.

Lonely or in Love?

2013-04-09T15:15:00.001-04:00

"Don't sit around and wait," he said.

I glanced around the room and watched everyone pretend they weren't waiting for my response. No eye contact means you can't read whether or not they agree. They were half pretending not to be in the conversation at all --and justifiably so. When someone asks you a question, it's rarely because they need an answer, they simply want to know what you think. When I ask a question, it's so that I can understand the world's expectations in order to surpass them. You see, my love life is in perfect shambles, and I'm trying to figure out how to keep it that way: Mine.

I rarely ask questions because, when I do, people rarely know how to respond. Regardless of whether or not I agree, all I want is the truth. I suppose I only ask questions to see who has the gall to lie to my face. All the answers I need, I already have. Life, to me, is a science. Everything that happens is merely additional proof of the theories I already hold. I'm often correct, #AskAboutMe. It has nothing to do with people in particular, nor with feeling like I'm above anyone, it's just that people don't know how to communicate. The worst conversations to have are secret arguments - when the parties involved aren't trying to resolve anything, just listening for reason to cut the other person's throat. Why is everyone is on the defensive?

I guess there really ain't no love in the city --mostly because there's no heart.

I believe that the most important factor in decision making in your "love" life should be based on "love" itself. The first person I asked was my best friend. If you're asking someone for advice on your life, make sure that person has you on a pedestal. This is what our parents do for us. They expect the world for their children, and your friends should expect the world for you. These people are going to care about you more than you care about yourself, and sometimes you need that to separate you from your own desperation and restlessness (whether in business or pleasure). I have a habit of making myself "normal" and falling victim to "The Exceptions". As much as I think I deserve, I always tell myself, "I can do that for myself," and "I don't need someone to..." because I actually don't need anyone for a damn thing. What I forget is that even though I don't need anyone to do things for me, I still deserve it.

What exactly do I deserve? "You don't deserve everything you think you do," he yelled through the speaker... The memory of When He Left Me plagues me everyday. It's not that I'm not over him it's that I couldn't believe the bullshit coming out of his mouth. I'm not over how wrong he was. Is it that I didn't deserve what I wanted, or that he couldn't provide it? I was a girl with dreams --dreams I'm accomplishing today. He, a school teacher and part-time DJ (don't ask me what he does now), once brought up the idea of my moving to New York and possibly finding something/someone new. He'd been in Maryland a couple of years after graduating and, frankly, I'm a big-city kinda girl. I'm actually thankful that ended because it would have stunted everything I've become today. Sadly enough, I was willing to sit around and wait for him... Waiting has the tendency to break hearts. What I've realized is that what deserve most is someone who won't do that.

It seems to me that some men can't handle the weight of a woman's dreams. Especially if your goals are loftier than his. Then, because he doesn't have the drive or ethic to go out and get his, he determines that what you want is actually too much. It's tough to work your ass off for things another person wants if you don't want them yourself. The truth is, not everything is made for everyone. My toughest battle is deciding what to expect from men. I've decided I shouldn't expect anything ever. The guy who gives me what I need, without my asking shall be the victor. The only way to know if you should hang around is if your end goals are the same as his. If you want the same things out of life, you might just be on the same path. If you are on the same path, why rush? Enjoy the sights. If you're not on the same path, where exactly do you think you're headed? .

"We're not at the age where I'm just going to date to date. If there's not a possibility for marriage, I don't have the time," That might have been what Britt said... or damned near it. I am in love with her. She's smart, gorgeous, confident and resilient. She was a freshman when I was a senior in college. 4 years later, I respect her more than most people I know. An AKA with every fiber of her being, pursing a career in law... I know, for a fact, this girl is going to help me rule the world. I've heard her stories of dealing with normal drama that comes with life and the issues in her own relationship (with a guy whom I also adore because of how well he treats her) and sometimes I sit back, amazed, at how brilliantly she handles the situations --before speaking with me. She is a real life example of what I think an amazing girlfriend is. I only hear Brittany's advice because it comes from a solid place within herself. Still, I take note that that's Brittany. That's not me. Her relationship, as beautiful as it is, is not mine.

"So what happens years from now? If he's 'the one' you'll met him and he can ask you anything he wants. What happens is, either I fucked around or I didn't." My loyalty holds me hostage. I understand "not waiting around" but I just watched LOL (w/ Miley Cyrus) last night (judge me) and it told me everything (judge me again). When her boyfriend comes back after summer break, he says he hooked up with some girl. To "get even" Miley says that she slept with someone, too. The only thing this does is that it gets her called a "hoe" in the mean high-school hallways *shrugs* If it were true, it simply would have been true. The fact is, love is supposed to be without reason. When you love a person you love a person. Some people just want company. If you think that you can attract someone by being with another person, realize the type of relationship your soliciting. Not only do you end up losing the person you "loved" but your self-respect as well. I've learned the hard way that when a temptations works, it works; leading you in the completely wrong direction, for which you will be judged. If you feel like you need to fill your time with random people... and you think the advice to see other people is bearable, I would question whether you're actually in love... or just lonely.

I don't want to mess around. I think life is longer than we think (or it should be), so I'm trying to avoid as much bullshit as possible. I don't want to get with someone now and then get bored. I don't want them to get bored. I also don't want to tie a man down before he's ready and still wondering where the greenest grass is. "He's gotta roam. I just have to wait for everyone else to fail," was my response. I believe the detriment to all relationships lies in one issue: Insecurity. I've said it before and I've say it as many times as I have to: Hoes exist. Also, shit happens. I think the worst thing you can do is get into any relationship (business, romance or platonic) and think that there will be no road bumps. I believe that if you truly want a relationship to work, you have to anticipate those obstacles and plan for them. Sometimes, the only answer is to avoid it all, in full. You might not be able to avoid every hill and valley, but there might be a way around it if you take the time to look for it. The world would be much easier if you could believe the things people said. It would be a piece of cake if you could actually monitor a person's true feelings; the ones they're scared to share.

I don't like to lose. In the case it feels like I'm losing, I turn it into a win --seems impossible? (I'll probably do it twice.) I'm 25 years old. I don't have a driver or a body guard and I don't live in a castle --that means I have shit to do. If that seems extravagant to you, that's probably because you aren't me (let's get used to that). Instead of sitting around wondering whether or not Prince Charming will get his shit together, I've got to get mine together. Just like any other royal story, there is more than one Prince and more than one Princess. Yet, the story remains the same. The Prince is always a gentleman and the Princess is a sweetheart. I just play my role. If this isn't the right Prince for me, perhaps it is another (richer more handsome) one. If this is my Prince, there will never be richer, more handsome one --at least not in my eyes. Anytime I feel alone, worried (which I do), it doesn't last long. I take those "alone" times and work on whatever it is I need to do. If ever I worry, I pray for God to relieve me of that-- worry gets you nowhere and nothing but faith can cure it; you're free to choose your own name for "God". If ever I feel insecure, I take measures to prove to myself why I shouldn't be --sometimes I play with my makeup, sometimes I write a really dope post. I take this "free" time to make myself a beautiful person inside and out because a man has nothing to do with that.

Desperation kills women. Lying with men just for the sensation merely gives pieces of yourself away. Double standards exist and trying to fight them by sleeping around won't make you a martyr. Sometimes, you've just got to let things rock and be as normal as possible. If it's "meant to be" it simply will be. If not, it'll all fade away and you'll be glad you didn't spend time pining over it. At the end of the day, you want to be the woman your man wants you to be --which should really just be you being yourself. Sometimes, obstacles put in your path are so that you can both see how the other will react. Allowing yourselves to be partners in the battle might give you a bit of history, confidence and security in your future. You don't need to jump into everything as soon as it happens just so that you can hold onto him. Love never wavers. If he's the one, he'll be there. The one thing that frightens men is being chased... so let that boy roam. Don't worry your pretty little head off. Instead, put on your best lingerie and your newest heels and be pretty for you. You might even throw an apron on and make your best meal for you. Treat yourself the way you should be treated. You don't have to wait on anyone to be as fabulous as you're meant to be.

I'm all about loyalty. & if you aren't loyal for the sake of being loyal --for personal respect -- then what would make you loyal? What does it take? If you want to be with someone, act accordingly. Earn it. Your situation will be different from everyone else's because you aren't anyone else. If it all goes to shit, at least you won't be the one to blame. Be the perfect girlfriend --even if you aren't his girlfriend. Whether or not he's "into" you. It won't hurt. It's actually just practice for the real thing. Remember, that what matters most is usually what people say after everything has ended. Don't make it your fault. The only things you have to keep in mind are the following:

Does he respect you?

Does he make you happy?

Does he love you?

If he does all these things... what more do you want? Why change things? What does a "girlfriend" title do for the relationship except provide a response for Are We Dating Yet? Besides "require" him to pick up your calls? Please note... I didn't ask whether or not he fucks you. Not only is a relationship more than that, but that's no one's business. Some women just want to be in a relationship to justify a sexual exchange. I agree with Britt on the marriage thing. "Wife" is really the only title that matters. If you aren't married, you're single, right? I don't do boyfriends --they think they're entitled to everything except paying rent. I date... I do. But when you love that's for one person... and sometimes it takes a couple dates with someone you don't love for you to recognize who you do love. You can only sit across the table with someone, thinking about someone else but for so long. So I'd rather be at my kitchen table, feeding my dog scraps.

Lemme get this castle, boo. I'll let the drawbridge down when you decide to come home.

*shrugs* That's just how I feel, tho.

ELLA <3

In Lieu of Judgment Day

2013-03-22T14:52:00.000-04:00

Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:19

I met him at Perfections, a Gentleman's club --I call these particular venues strip clubs, but strippers are also called "dancers" *shrugs*. I'm still not sure about how to feel about meeting someone there & I suppose he was trying to figure out the same. That's why he'd asked me why I was there in the first place. I'd gone for a homie's birthday (made a brilliant fool of myself trying to get him in with an expired ID, but I did get him in) and had sat myself in a corner when my new friend took a moment to be a gentlemen and offer me a drink. As he walked back to me and handed me my staple, Henny con cranberry, the guy I had spoken to briefly on the other side of the bar walked by and I couldn't help but to look him in the eyes & laugh. Strip clubs are interesting... they make you wonder what everyone is there for. I understand now that I'm not a strip club kinda girl. I would go there for a celebration, when I have enough dollar bills to make the ladies feel what they're doing is worth it, but on a regular night? As a regular? Not for me.

"I like to put myself into situations to see how I'll react," I told him.

"Wow," he responded, the shock evident in his eyes. "I've never heard that before. You're like... 8 steps ahead of me." It seemed much of what I said surprised him. I have the tendency to tell people they haven't met many real women because they find me so foreign. If they aren't used to my responses, I assume they haven't heard them before. I understand I'm an odd individual, but obviously I find myself to be so sane.

Ballers ball out. Strip clubs are all about money. The dancers are there for a reason and that reason is not for fun. All kinds of groups frequent the spot, including many females. Most often, they have a friend/favorite they come and spend their money on. Then there's those who just enjoy the sight of women *raises hand*. I think women are beautiful. If they would dance on pedestals everywhere I went, I think that'd be fabulous, but I'd want them to keep their clothes on. Naked strippers make me uncomfortable lol (guess that's not a strip club, then). There are those who go for the purpose of just... making it rain. Some people want to spend money. Looking good makes people feel good. You can purchase attention. There's also a very thirsty crowd --which includes the guy I laughed at. For one of the rotations (the ladies switch from the stage to the floor, giving each an opportunity to dance & keeping the patrons' attention), there was barely any money being thrown out. I walked over to the side of the stage my favorite girl was on, and tried to attract someone who'd do something. It only half worked --he came over and asked, "Can I get a dance?" Like I've been learning to do more often, I gave him my hand, palm up. He reached in his pocket and pull out one dingy dollar bill and placed it reluctantly in my palm. As my eyebrows raised and my head tilted he asked, "So when do you go on?" sliding his hand around my waist.

"I don't work here," I said, crumpling the dollar and sliding away.

"So you just gonna take my dollar?" I threw it on the stage and walked away in the middle of his muttering --probably something disrespectful. & that's when I sat in my corner and waiting for a better option.

Everything I do, I do out of support and love. If someone needs me, I'll be there for them. If I can show my support, I'll be there for them. Nothing really phases me because I'm so grounded in myself and the reasons I do things: I never do anything I don't want to do. That's the purpose of JWWWD Magazine: Just What We Wanna Do. I live by it. As I mentioned, I went to Perfections for a birthday celebration, but really, I wanted to see how I would feel in a room full of women doing more than I'm signed up for. They were beautiful... but I think all women are beautiful... Still, I think I'm the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Not because I am physically, but because I prefer me. I'm always thrown into situations with women who get hundreds, sometimes thousands, of likes on social networks but when you see that some people only have their bodies to offer, it makes you see them in a different light. I'm not saying that the Perfections' girls aren't intelligent or funny or whatever... I'm saying they say their bodies are the most valuable assets they have --if they didn't think so themselves, they'd be working elsewhere. Strippers make a lot of money. So do prostitutes. So do lawyers. Perhaps some of them are paying their ways through school --who knows, but this particular occupation has to take an incredible toll on your spirit.

"I feel bad for them."

"Why?"

"They don't do that because everything's perfect. They pick money up off of the ground for a living. In their panties. Some of them go home to children to feed. They lay their heads down to rest and remember where they just came from." You know how you made your money... do you think they forget where theirs came from?

"You're right..."

"My brother dated a lot of strippers. They're good girls," I added with a shrug. You see, I've been trying to understand the fine line between judgment and understanding. I know what these girls do... I don't think that makes them bad people, but it is a poor choice of lifestyle. I don't really know how to address it... I can't say stripping is wrong, but it's not right. I suppose it's a business because it's lucrative. If it didn't make money, it wouldn't exist. *shrugs* People will do what you pay them for and there are people who really enjoy that atmosphere --I can't exclude myself from them. Usually, when I comment on my favorite topic (h*es) I end in feeling like... somebody's got to do it... but it won't be me. I love the h*tivities (h*e activities) because they let you know what's going on around you. Recently went to a little shindig where a girl walked in with a can of whipped cream. She'd put some on her breasts and walked around to the guys in the room asking them if they wanted to lick it off. When they wouldn't participate, she'd lick it off herself. When the guys stopped paying mind, some of the other ladies in the room decided to be the party, got on a table and licked each other off. You can call this subliminal if you like... but just because ladies want to put that image out for themselves, I won't condone it. "They're licking it off each other," I was told, so I sat back in my chair, in the corner of the room. I decided not to participate nor witness and continued sipping my Hennessy & wine -- I was actually turnt up that night, but my "turnt up" only gets to be but so much. The benefit of being around other females is understanding what other females do... what your men see... It allows you to establishing who you are --if you are, indeed, any different.

The benefit of being friends with males is hearing what they have to say when all other females leave the room. The things risque females do entertain them.. but they don't impress them. They don't exactly want to bring you home to mom and they actually fear bringing you around their homies... unless groups are what you do. "Women in this country, they don't cook. They don't clean..." I had an hour-long conversation with a co-worker of mine yesterday, but had to inform her that it's not of this country (although maybe it is), it's of this generation. We've fought so hard for equal rights; the only difference between men and women now is the physical make-up. The talk about men being dogs and having no respect is no longer specific to men. When you sit most guys down, they'll actually talk to you about how important it is for them to be gentlemen and how they desire a traditional woman... the issues only arise when you allow them to treat you differently. You advertise yourself as what you are. You are what you are and you'll be employed for that.

I sometimes fear myself. I feel stronger than myself and, at 5'2, my sweet demeanor seems to make people doubt my strength. I used to be quicker to judge. I used to care more about what people thought --not to change my opinions, but to let them know mine so that I could try to help and change them. I've learned that people are who they are and the only thing I can do is lead by example. I see everything. I feel strongly about everything --I'm not indedecisive at all --, but I also understand that just like no one is me, I'm not them. I can't tell people how to behave, and no one can tell me how to behave. We find entertainment in different places. I'd also say, you have to be strong to take your clothes off for crumbled dollar bills *shrugs*. I suppose I just wish things would be different but no laws (man-made nor God-given) can truly, immediately change how people act. Actually... the most effective method of altering someone's behavior is... Money.

"I don't think I should ever have to pay for anything when I'm out with guys. Ever..." This particular homie typically agrees with almost everything I tweet but that didn't sit well with him. Since I do hang with so many males, I know they look for "real women" --a woman who cooks, cleans, etc., but they rarely speak about what their part is in exchange. If a woman cooks and cleans, what do you do? What is the trade off? I have the bad habit of treating all of my male friends like men. I cook for them. Clean up after them. Consider their welfare. Worry about their safety soon as the sun sets. "Woman" is very close to "mother" to me. When a man marries, he stops leaning on his mother and his wife takes over those responsibilities. I've heard the phrase "I'm not your mother," but you shouldn't have to raise a man. What you're expected to do is everything else --cook, clean, laundry *shrugs* But again what does a man do? He picks you up, holds the door open, pulls out your chair, pays the bill and makes sure you get home safe. If he wants to court you, he shows up with flowers --yes, even if you don't like them.

Empty handed, greedy and underdeveloped, are the words I use to describe today's men. They want you to be their friends and treat you no differently although they want it to be different. They assume a woman should get used to him being frugal aka broke because she loves him --well, honey... I love you enough to tell you that you need to get your sh*t together. I don't need a man to lean on me, I need a man to lean on. I'm not full out of the nonsense, but I'm slowly learning. I'm at the point now where men will take me to dinner anywhere I want. If they don't put me on a budget then sit and watch how much I eat and/or waste we might even go out on a second date. After that, though, they wonder what they're getting in return and decide my occasional company is not enough. We both know I'm worth it, but if I don't love you or feel for you somehow, there's no restaurant in the world that will make me make an exception. Ladies: You can't just give yourself. I've said it before, but if you want something go for it. What I want is perfection... and frankly, I damned near give instructions on this site, so I don't consider myself wrong for expect that. I want someone who wants to give me everything I desire. In turn, I'll give him everything he desires.

I don't believe in 50/50 -- that's just two people doing a half-assed job. I believe in 100/100. If any man doesn't agree with this... he's obviously not the man for me. When it comes to male "friends" paying for me to go out, I expect that as well. That's how my friends treat me at home. That's how my family treats me here. That's what I expect. I don't judge anybody for not feeling the same way, I also simply understand the circumstances and have to go out with you accordingly. Unfortunately, I'm too grown up, have too many bills and am trying to invest in my future to steadily to spend money frivolously. Group functions don't do it for me anymore. I'm a 24-year-old woman who works overtime to live on her own and pay her own bills.

We forget we are individuals. & most individuals forget to grow up. You have the right to decided what you do and what you expect --everyone does. We judge each other based on our own standards when there is no standard for all of us. I'm not made for every man, I'm made for one man. I only expect one man to agree with me. Until then, I'll avoid the disagreements/arguments and continue to pay my bills in peace. I don't expect any women to agree with me because I'm heterosexual, so I don't really care what they think :) I've lost many, many friends due to how I feel because I can't hang around people whose actions don't let me world move smoothly, with confidence in my surroundings. If I'm not comfortable, I'm not comfortable.

I actually don't want to be around too many people. I don't see too much of a purpose to it. I actually consider a lot of things a waste of time --I don't even watch TV. People take up time I could spend learning to improving myself or figuring out the next steps for my career(s) or writing and cultivating my art or... I could get another job to pay these bills. I give my time to people every once in a while, but the problem is, they end up wanting it too often. They just want to do things to be in my presence with no consideration of the other things I have to do and other people who want to spend time with me. It always amuses me that when people are too busy for you, they're simply too busy. But when they're free to hang, you should be free, too. I don't like to waste my time. More so, though, I don't like the things people do. That's the reason I put myself out here. My unborn children mean the world to me. I'm going to show them the path I have decided is right and pray they stray as much as is healthy. Till then, I lock myself in my cave. My daughters will be ladies and my sons will be gentlemen. Ladies, don't invite me out if you plan on being thirsty and distasteful. Fellas, don't invite me out if you plan on being cheap. Everything is so real.

It hurts me to see women degrade themselves and throw themselves at men (which is what most I've seen do) so I don't go out much. I don't take up too many offers to go out with my male friends because we're only going out because you're a male and either I won't invite you over or you shouldn't be in my house so often, so we play this friend game and go out, but that just ends up being an expense for me because A) you can't afford to pay for me or B) You aren't my man --or a gentlemen -- so your ego won't let you pay for me. If you’re a man going out with only enough to spend on yourself, you’re not a man (at least not my kind of man)… you’re a boy. If I don’t have money to go out, I stay home. If I can’t buy myself a drink, I stay home. Even when I offer dinners I rarely/never ask guys to chip in for groceries because I was raised to simply offer if I have, not when I don't. Issues arise when men end up wanting to sit at your table like part-time kings. At least bring wine. Something. I don't have the time, money or patience for friendships and especially not for friendships with lonely/unsatisfied men. Money makes people do and miss out on amazing things.

I'm in my feelings. But someway, somehow, I’ve got to address the conversations people won't have in real life. It gets real lonely when you stop agreeing with the majority of the world. It's also tough when the reason why you stop hanging with people is because you're trying to be a better person and set standards for yourself. But if you feel a certain way, you should stay steadfast in how you feel. I'm not saying how I feel is right, but it's what's right for me and others may or may not agree. I have feelings. I have opinions, I don't necessarily judge but you can feel free to judge me. That's what I do and that’s what I'm here for.

- ELLA

@PresidentELLA - Twitter, instagram & all that.

The Murder of Kimani Gray

2013-03-14T13:09:00.001-04:00

What if every time you walked to the corner store, men stood outside the doors with their hands on their guns? You'd get off the bus or step off the train and they'd be hiding on the other side of the ramp... watching. Waiting. Hunting. Another youth, 16-year-old Kimani Gray, was murdered by America's least trained and most prominent figures of authority. Brooklyn is angry... and you don't want Brooklyn angry. A little over a year ago, we lost Trayvon Martin to a "militia man" upholding the same values, enforcing the same stereotype: Black boys are up to no good.

I'm tired of explaining my pain. "What did he do?" my mom asked this morning. She thinks I like just like to fight fights but she doesn't understand. She's a fair-skinned, Dominican woman with a Black daughter who attended a predominately white high-school and college on purpose: I was there for the education, not the people. I left both the schools with few friends, a proud understanding of who I was and experience of what the majority thought of me based on how they tended to interact with me; with fear. I'm of the darkest complexion in my immediate family; I had a different father. Fortunately, I will resemble my sons and I'll know how they feel. Even more fortunate is that I'm a woman, and an educated one at that. I could escape if I wanted to. I could marry a man lighter than myself in an attempt to "save" my sons from the pain of being Black. I see the excitement in foreign eyes as they fantasize whether the animal within me could satisfy them better than their own. For me, that's out of the question. Another option: I could move to a "nicer" neighborhood and find a brotha who has also "espaced" the hood --who lives in a world of forever college with white girls and kegs where they'll never be taken home to daddy and they're too inebriated to care. I don't have anything personally against those brothas... they're just not made for me, obviously. Issue is... my type die before they reach 18. Our government is always at fault.

I currently live in East New York, Brooklyn because it feels like home. Because when my friends show up unannounced at my place trying to fix my car, my neighbors stand in their doorways and let them know they're being watched. "The lady next door..." Carl said. My starter gave out and he was in my car double checking. "Yea. Miss Mary. She's watching you." I live in East New York because it's a place where the people protect themselves better than they can be protected. I know that if I need anything, I can knock on my neighbor's door. I know that calling 911 won't really help because they don't really want to.

"Can I speak to you outside?" I had just gone to get my Vin verified for the second time. And for the second time, they wouldn't help me. I'd even gone to another district, but they wouldn't help me because I didn't live in that part of Brooklyn. Meanwhile, I was taking time off from work and I had neither the time, nor patience, to deal with a dog in uniform who wanted to abuse his badge to have private conversation. "That's a dangerous neighborhood," he started. He'd asked where I live and what I do, but I simply couldn't piece together what they had to do with my car's vin record. He'd seen the BMW parked outside and had come to "warn" me someone might hit it leaving the parking lot. "I'll move it," I said getting up to leave, but instead he pretended to want to help me.

"I like where I live."

What I know well is that men in uniform are still human men. They have no real authority. If you believe in the things I believe, you know that no law of man is above that of God, so if ever I need counsel, I retreat to solitude to pray. "I'm just trying to tell you," he said beginning his lie. What he was really telling me was that he was scared of the neighborhood. That said, I'm not sure how he thought he could help me. Maybe if I had a big bad (but really frightened and frail) officer around, I'd feel safe? I hated the sight of him and he had no idea how long it took me to gather the strength to step into that station, wading through my own disgust and disdain for that profession and anyone who considers it. I know they're still people... but there's something about getting paid to point pistols at your fellow man and locking them in a cage that doesn't sit right with me... and I don't understand how it sits right with anyone. Just because yours is a uniform I recognize, it doesn't make me comfortable. White America's Eagle is bordering on a swastika for Black America. Except now, the New-age Nazi's will let you join especially if you're a shade of brown -- for a tax break and to avoid lawsuits. From all the movies I've seen, the best overseers in the deep South were always Black.

"I'm not here for that. I'm here for my VIN. Thank you," I finished the conversation for us only to have him catch and attitude and stomp back inside... leaving my VIN still unverified. Meanwhile, police officers would walk through the doors smiling with their heads held high, one hand on their pistols, the other on the cuff restraining their prey's arms behind their backs. Their conversations are only about what happened last night. Always about the hunt and the spoils. There are no conversations about making the world a better place. No one says they're glad the other is safe. They just come in with their prized pistols and their chests sticking out because they happened to make it through another shift. But you know what? If you go out enough times looking for trouble, you're gonna find it.

Historically, it has been the Sojourner Truths and Harriet Tubmans who were able to navigate the world, pulling their men through the trenches. This, though, is not an easy load to bear. It takes strength and courage to fully realize the weight of the world on your partner's shoulders and help them to carry it, even when you don't have to. But every time I look in the mirror, I know my sons will look just like me. I'll defend them today, before their births, just like I will until they put me in the dirt.

America is not okay. We have all of these missions overseas and give a Hip-Hip artist a Grammy and the world thinks we are oh so accepting. Now, your zip code just matters more. Meanwhile, gentrification is forcing God's children out of Jerusalem. A friend came over the other day and I sat him at my kitchen table, praising Brooklyn --East New York, specifically --to the highest. It was a glorious day and as he walked to the end of my block and looked up and down the boulevard, I feared him. This is people's home. You don't get to come in here and enforce living the way you think it should be lived. You shouldn't move here if you don't like the people next door. Or upstairs, or down the hall. That's why I moved out of Harlem. Too many people moving in for the low price who wish you would leave so they can take your apartment. I look out for my neighbors and they look out for me. I fear bringing in faces that look like ours but care nothing about the people -- like the two officers, one Black and one Hispanic, who gunned down Kimani Gray. The two officers are now on "administrative duty" because, obviously, when you wear a uniform and hold a badge, murder is excusable and killing a child has no affect on your conscience.

Kimani was a 16-year-old boy... and looked like it. You can call him "Mr. Gray," Like the New York Times does, but by our legal system --and by his photos -- that was a little kid from around the way named, Kiki. Call him, Kiki... it stings a little more when you remember he's a child. "The teen was with a group Saturday night, but left when he saw police in an unmarked car, police said. Authorities said he was acting suspicious and plain clothes officers approached him," reported the Huffington Post. So... if you were a teenage boy in East Flatbush, and you saw two men sitting in a car, watching you... what would you do? I would leave, you? If they then got out of their cars to approach/follow/chase/hunt you, how would you respond? Remember, they weren't in a police car, and they're not in uniform. Would you know they were police? Would you shout for help or defend yourself exactly as you are prepared to? Neither... you would probably get shot 7 times by men trained to shoot. & They don't just take you down, they make sure you stay down.

From the New York Times:

The autopsy report on Mr. Gray did not specify which of the seven bullets caused the death of the teenager; that determination awaits further investigation.

One bullet entered his left shoulder in the rear; two other bullets struck the back of his thighs, one in the left thigh and one in the right. Two bullets struck from the front, hitting his right thigh; one bullet entered his left side, striking his lower rib cage; and the last bullet hit his left lower forearm...

Mr. Gray’s revolver was loaded with four bullets, the police said.

From the Washington Post:

Gray, whose pictures show him sporting beads worn by Bloods members, was arrested on almost a dozen charges since turning 16 last year. His arrests include grand and petit larceny, possession of stolen property and inciting a riot.

& you're telling me no one recognized this boy? He was arrested a dozen times and these wonderful law-enforcement agents never took the time to sit with him? Why was he in the streets? No reason? Cuz he's Black? Because that's what these kids do? You can't wear anything anymore without it being attached to a gang. What if they just match his outfit for the day? If a white boy wears red beads... does that make him a gang member? What outfits do people wear when they go slaughter classrooms full of children in the middle of Connecticut? I question those arrests. I know about charges... because I've had my own. 46 arrests (mostly disorderly conduct --I know that one & so did MLK Jr.) were made at a vigil for Kimani on Wednesday, March 13th. I have a question though, why did police need to be there? In riot gear? If they were remorseful, the should have brought flowers.

From the NY Daily News:

The protesters eventually backtracked to the vigil site where the parents of Ramarley Graham — an unarmed teenager fatally shot by police in the Bronx last year — were waiting. “It never seems to end,” said Frank Graham, Ramarley’s father. “The community has a right to be angry.”

But City Councilman Jumaane Williams, a frequent NYPD critic, blasted outsiders who he said escalated tensions. “Please stay the HELL out of our community will only agitate our kids,” Williams fumed on Twitter. “It’s dangerous and counterproductive.” "

I agree with one revision: Stay the f*ck out of our community. It's like a permanent state of war out here. Why do police officers have to patrol the streets? Who are they protecting? It's not that we are afraid it's that they are. They like to approach people living their lives because they live them differently than they do... they call us suspicious because we dont trust you and you can see it on our faces. Frequently, in these neighborhoods, you'll find people are less afraid to fight back. I prefer the Mob to police officers. At least they cared about families. At least they saw people as humans. At least they lived in the area. At least they wouldn't kill children.

You may have no idea what it means to be a Black man. To be hunted. I don't either, but I pray for sons and the strength to have them someday. I also pray for their safety. It's not right here. It's not over. Our sons are too strong, too resilient and too proud. They defend themselves too well. Our country has reacted with fear. There is a silent civil war in this country too many are afraid to speak on and too many would rather move away from to avoid. If other countries knew how belittled and worthless we still feel on our own dirt, they might not trust American forces to establish peace overseas --and they shouldn't trust them. Government is not the end all be all. If they wanted Kimani off the street, they should have yelled over to him from that unmarked car and said, "Young brotha, we're NYPD. Go home." That's all. They should care. Instead... they continue killing our sons and call then "Mr." because respect only comes after death for us.

I feel such sorrow...

Rest in Paradise, KG.

ELLA.

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2013-03-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

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Why He Doesn't Call.

2013-03-06T14:01:00.003-05:00

Every conversation has its time. On the same token, most conversation just shouldn't take place. If you don't know me personally, you might not know that my phone is off. Like... no phone calls. Like... I only instagram when I've got wifi. I like it because I can't be on social media all the time. I also like it cuz... I ain't worried about nobody. And now I know I never will.

"She ain't got no man," you might think, and you would be correct *shrugs* Seems to me people have certain expectations of what a relationship is... and to some people, its just to have someone to text/call/touch when you get bored or aren't strong enough fight off your animal desires. To me, a relationship is more than that. There's nothing you can do for me over that phone if it doesn't set off an alert from my Chase account app that reads "a deposit has been made". Not having a phone doesn't mean I'm not contacted. I'm just a little tougher to get in contact with than the average female. The delay time between my messages is fairly serious, so the men/people I interact with need a great deal of patience.

In the past month, I've gotten to know who really wants to speak to me. "You're the first person I met who seriously, really does not have a phone," he told me. Every once in a while, our dinner conversation will address how abnormal I am. I told him it's because I was raised by a 22-year-old male. I'm not saying I know everything guys think, but guys are all I know & they tend to enjoy my company --I cook & have a decent jumper. Even more than that, they tend to be real with me which is why I can vibe with them almost immediately and for longer periods of time. I spent my childhood fixated on my older brother. I know what he liked (3 ice cubes in his drink), what he didn't like (losing in video games). What irritated him (heels in the house) and what made him laugh (singing country music). What disappointed him (missed free-throws) and what he looked forward to (me ironing his clothes before he went out, especially if I didn't charge him 5 bucks -__-).

There used to be a particular breed of man. They still exist today, just in smaller numbers. These are men raised by men. Men who understood the world by a particular distinction between themselves and women. This isn't meant to be a gay-bashing post (love who you love) but even in same-sex relationships, there are roles: Manly men are on top. "Imagine me bringing my man home some pastel sweat-shorts," I couldn't help but the bust out laughing as I pictured Easter-egg anything with a matching Kangol. But I grew up in the 90s. My brother created the 90s. Baggy jeans and XL tall tees reigned supreme. This was the most homophobic era of Hip-Hop but it was the era of least confusion. "Are you warm or are you cold?" she kept it coming and I had to agree. I don't want to see my man anything that looks like it should be in my closet. Except hats. And scarves. I'll steal those ASAP. I just want to know who the man is... Still, I understand attire says nothing about a man, but i do believe they think differently from women. Just like Black people and White people think differently from eachother *shrugs* it's not a matter of intelligence, rather a combination of your experiences and they ways you're expected to respond to them. The experiences of our real lives, combined what what people think of us (both expectations and limitations), shape they way our minds understand the world. Men have a different experience than women... I mean... how would yall feel if you bled for no reason every month? Wouldn't you be pissed off? & Ladies, if your Achilles heel was sitting right there between your legs, wouldn't you feel vulnerable? There ain't no particular way to take me out. lol, but that's how I feel.

Females have always been females, the only difference is, girls used to grow up and become women. Stop chasing. Think back to middle school and the girls who sat at the boys table. Back in my day, there weren't too many lesbians in middle school. Today might be different. There were only two reasons for a girl to be at the boys table: she was dating/messing/whatever you wanna call it one of the boys, or she'd been invited due to what was going on. I dated a boy named Jonathan when I was in the 8th grade, for a month. He always wanted me to sit with him, it was awkward for me though I reemeber knowing then that I didn't need to be in somebody's face. In child-like relationships, people confuse love for owenership. That's my girlfriend/boyfriend and they'll go to extremes to both showcase and maintain you. N*ggas will show you off like a new pair of Jays.. & die defending them in some places. The only other time I'd go over to the table was when the boys were rhyming or something funny was going on... or I wanted to trade my lunch for a dollar so I could buy a cookie. Any other time, I minded my business --and the boys love that.

Know your place. It's much more uncomfortable for guys to participate in female conversations because either they don't understand, they're afraid to disagree, they don't want to offend you if they like you, they think we're always right (or at least that we think we do), or they're afraid it's too gay to participate. Honestly, most female conversation is consumed by talking about guys: either liking one in particular or disliking them all together. Chicks tho, will put in their two cents whenever they can. Take sports, for example. I learned to watch sports quietly and let whoever is better comment more. I also watched with my brother and whenever my mom would walk in the room he'd grumble real loud and throw his head back in agitation. & when she stepped in front of the TV, he almost went insane. During movies, he'd give the "If you guys are gonna talk..." and then we'd laugh before quieting down. A man does just want you to sit there. And look pretty. It's not that you shouldn't have anything to say, but sometimes... he wants to run things. & it's not that you should always be dressed up, but he wants you to be beautiful (in his eyes, no make-up). He wants to be the king and if you want him to act like it, you should let him be king. Never fear, as long as you are a better woman you can put him in line if ever he steps over, but when you do so, do so like a queen. Retreat to your private quarters and address the matter. Allow the king to say his piece and let him know, respectfully, where he might have gone wrong --how he might have made himself look to the people --and perhaps how he's made his queen look. The real purpose of having a queen is that she is the only person who has real quality time with the king. She's also the only one who can truly appeal to him on a personal level. She's the only one who has true access to him.

Don't abuse your power. If he loves you, when you call, he'll answer. If he's not answering, there's a reason. He's probably busy. Maybe he's with his friends and yes, when's with his friends busy, he's busy enjoying himself. He's probably making jokes. Reminiscing. Toasting. Roasting. What if there are girls there? So the f*ck what? So if there are guys where you are, what are you doing? Remember be better. If you're swayed by the presence of the opposite sex, and so is he, you guys shouldn't be mad. You should probably just talk about it and find a happy medium since you have that in common. You grab the doorman & he'll do the waitress. You shouldn't be worried about what your man is doing so if you are you might need to let that fool go. Either that, or clean up your own act. If you can't trust him, why are you with him? You don't know if he's cheating. Asking your friend (who's just forgiven her boyfriend for cheating) won't help you. Accusing him does nothing but cause an argument and showcase your insecurity. Are you going to trip out every time he misses a call? Because that's stressful. Ok. Maybe there's a reason you trip out... but if you keep tripping & he keeps giving you reasons & if you're always stressed... why do you stay at it?

He loves me, says the dummy. No one who loves you causes you stress. No one who loves you makes you worry. As I said in my last post, "On Staying Faithful," loving your man/husband is like loving God. It's not easy, but you love him without falter even through the toughest of times. Your fear and doubt just show your lack of faith in Him. It's why Eve was made for Adam. That's why we give our complete selves to our partners; we find our purpose in love. You are a part of him and all that he needs to be complete. But you are only a part of him. He has a whole life outside of you, and you should have one outside of him. "You text me while I'm at work, but I'm working. & then it's like... if I'm not at work, I should either be on the phone with you or on my way to see you." I felt bad for him, but I understood. When a woman falls in lust (It's rarely love. Love is reciprocated. If you're questioning, that's lust) she automatically marries the sucker in her head. She's so ready to be consumed by him that she ends up getting him for everything he's got --sometimes it's money, sometimes it's love. Sometimes you're on that man's back so much, he has to prove that he loves you. And if he feels like it's never enough to satisfy your desires, he deems himself not enough --you've worn him out. Give him a break. You can't completely ignore him but you've got to be a little bit of a chase at least. Remember the benefits of Making Yourself Inaccessible because The Men who Like you are a Mess. You don't have to always be there (babysitting), you just need to be there when he needs you. & if you love him, the key is to support what he loves as if you love it yourself. This method goes from his hobbies to how he loves his family. His hobby is your hobby. His mother is your mother.

The best method is to take your time. We're all adults so you can save your bedroom debates for however your heart feels personally, but (as an older, wiser me) I would recommend holding that off, too. Forever is a long time. If you're irritating him already, he's afraid it's going to stay that way. If the irritation grows, he's just worried it's going to get worse. We all talk about how we want our significant others to be our best friends, but we don't treat them like friends. Friends give each other space. Friends give each other time. They give each other space. They also don't sleep with each other *shrugs* Girls tend to treat their female friends like girlfriends with I love you's and all that, but I think men do "friends" better. I don't want random hellos. I don't want my time wasted. You might send your man a "Hello :)" for no reason, but I don't need that from my friends. I don't like good morning texts from strange men & I kind of don't like good morning texts at all anymore. People get so hype getting a good morning text from someone who slept elsewhere. When we move in together, that's why you can roll over and say good morning & I'll say it back silently ;)

Your relationship should be real life, not text-based. Some people sit and chat all day on text message but have nothing to say in person. You sit and kiss ass reply after reply. It's easier to pretend you like someone over text. Get that person in public and see how they act. You can't tell if a guy holds the door open for you via text message and *drapes coat over your shoulder* isn't the same thing as in real life. Just wait until you see him. If you love someone, it's so much better to be by their side. Text messaging becomes a bore unless you're saying "I'm coming over," or "Be ready by 10." And if someone has a phone to their face all the time for you, what are they really doing. Get a job. Or a hobby. Only children have that much free time. When I come home from work, I want to relax. As a grown ass woman, I want someone to relax with. I don't need conversation for the rest of my life. I really just wish you'd "Just Shut the Fuck Up Sometimes" -- that will get you your man. As much as you need someone to hold a conversation with, you need someone who can just be... and who'll listen when you need them too. Men need that just as much as we do, in that we are no different. They might actually need it more. Men are a quieter crowd. They get loud on drunken nights, but groups of guys don't really sit and talk about their emotions. You can only imagine how much your man has built up inside him. The trick to knowing his secrets isn't to pry and ask and say, "I'm a good listener." The key is to actually be a good listener. Take your time. Earn his trust. Be his friend. Some people just want to know your secrets... some people want to know you. Allow him his space and encourage him to respect yours.

People don't know how to act anymore. We're so confused on how to act with one another that friends treat each other like they're dating --calling for no reason and "checking in" --and people who are dating speak to their friends about their relationships instead speaking with the person they are in a relationship with. I'm not saying I'm 1000% right... everyone feels differently unless they're a match made in heaven. If you're having an issue with a person, speak to them directly. (Using the King & Queen techniques I outline earlier.) You can't possibly think you can fix a situation without informing the other person. You can't ask someone else how your man feels. Ask him. The biggest mistake women make is asking other women for advice. If that h*e knows all the tricks, she might be able to keep your man better than you can & you might be giving her reasons to think about it. You need to be you and that is how you get your man. If you're a talker, go ahead and be a talker... you'll find a man who loves you for that, but he's not going to deny it's annoying, he just doesn't mind it because it's you. If he minds... he's not the one for you and it really is that simple. *shrugs*

You've got to be yourself from the very beginning, keeping in mind that's how your relationship will be. I don't like anything that doesn't last forever. I don't like good morning texts because they stop. I hate the beginning of relationships when people are so all over each other and then they get tired of having to do extra. In my opinion, if you're not going to do it forever from here on out, don't do it at all. That's how the dating and the flowers and all that stop. If your with someone every day and you text them every hour on the hour, you'll notice when it changes. And things shouldn't change. If they do change, it should be for the better. So start him off slow. Get yourself a good pace and allow room for growth. If you want this to last forever, you've got to act accordingly. Spread out what you've got to give. Make it last forever.

If it's right, you've won the gold by simply being you. If he doesn't appreciate you, there's no excuse, he simply doesn't & you have to admit that to yourself and find someone who does. You don't need to worry or check in or wonder if he's thinking about you. Simply because he's found you, you have no need to worry. He doesn't want anyone else. Sometimes he can't pick up the phone; don't trip. Send him a text message (just one) and he'll get to it as soon as he can. If he delays, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, that means... it's just the way life is sometimes. Delays happen --and they should. Take your time when you're liking a guy, cuz if he feels like your feelings are too intense, it's pimp or die. & it's actually the same for women. Soon you'll understand.

oh... & the music he vibes with most, is what he vibes with most.

So if it's b*tches and h*es, that's real.*shrugs*

Single as I wanna be :)

Buena Suerte,

ELLA <3

Questions.

2013-03-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

3.5.12

Exactly one year ago I thought....

How quickly are you supposed to love someone? In reality, you should love everyone all of the time, shouldn’t you? Especially when you don’t. Especially when they need love more than you do. I’m always falling in love. *Shrugs* it’s nice. Tough. But nice. I give life a fair chance, but give niggas very little. I allow everyone to give me their best shot. The best of some is just... sad. I’m not sure who some niggas think I am. It can’t be who I am. They can’t have read not one of my posts --even though that’s how they met me. That I find disrespectful. When someone you have an intimate connection with loves something, you support them in that. 1000% percent. If you don’t, what kind of connection is it?

What do people do when they chill? I know what dinner is.Lunch. A movie. Coffee. I don’t know what chill means & I apologize if I ever made it seem otherwise. You pretend to be involved. You pretend to want to. I don’t want to chill. I don’t want some nigga with nothin to say to come in my house and sit on my bed. I don’t mean to be like that with him all the time. He brings it out of me. My attitude differs depending on who I’m speaking to, and I can really only deal with but so much of so many people. He works my nerves. And I wish he’d take the sacks out of his boxers before coming into the house. He's there for a purpose. This is business, let's do it well. Let's keep it that way. It’s just simple shit I don’t like about him, really. Issue is I don’t prefer his presence to anything. I never want to see him. There’s no desire for his company. I don’t have a desire for too many people.

Who really matters? I missed my mom today. That’s big. See, I don’t really miss people. My childhood was based on the idea that death is the only thing that keeps people away. Eventually, you come back together with the people you love. My father died when I was 9 months old. Death wasn’t a big deal to me. I just understood it happened. My mother never sugarcoated anything with me. She never lied. She just took her time having conversations with me. She did a good fuckin job.

You know what a woman’s money is for? In case. A man should have enough money for himself and his family --wife included.

Who are you to say this is a poor ending?

It’s impossible. My thoughts are rich. I have a wealth of knowledge.

If you understand, I hope the gods bless you.

If you don’t, I maintain the same.

On Staying Faithful

2013-02-27T18:39:00.002-05:00

Corinthians 7:8-11

If you ever hear me pick up the phone and say, "Wassup, yo!?" it's probably my mom. & If I'm speaking to my mom, the very last thing we'll speak about is my "dating" situation. Nobody I know gives a damn who's in my bed -- except for Duchess.

It's not that I don't meet men, it's that I meet too many. They come via whatever network will allow them to filter in. Having my phone cut off has been a blessing. I meet so many guys after I perform/model who'll want to talk about "doing a track" or something, but when I tell them to email me, I never hear from them. When I used to give out my number, all I'd get would be "hey" messages distracting me in the middle of my work day. Now, they just tell me to check my DMs or my inbox so they can privately ask me things they don't really care about. I've been thinking lately about the opportunities I don't allow. Maybe I'm tough to get to. Maybe my expectations are too high, but... I want to be dated. I don't want to pretend you're interested in me so you can squeeze in conversations about how amazing you think I am, hoping to add on "in bed". I know what you want. Enver's little sister ain't no dummy.

So what if I'm waiting for perfect? Losers never see the finish line. What would they know? Right now, as I broach a quarter century, I just haven't gotten what I need and the issue is simply that I know what I deserve. At this point, some would say my standards are too high. They might even tell me that perfect doesn't exist. Maybe they'll say I'll be alone the rest of my life. "They say there's a shortage of Black men, but there's a shortage of Black women, too." CJ always says the right thing and has gotten me through the toughest of my times lately. "Either he's blind or he's whack," he said of my latest run-in with lust.

I believe it's all lust till there's a ring on it. The same way some claim to be single if they're not married, I feel like, I don't love you until there's a ring on it. It's not the point of the ring itself, but if we're not committing, what exactly is this for? I feel like most sh*t is a waste of time. I sat in bed last night and tried not to fantasize. I tried to be thankful for a warm bed to sleep in & realized that what people yearn for most is simple company. We just don't want to feel alone. Luckily, Duchess refuses to sleep alone, so I never have to. Every once in a while, I'll shut the door to my bedroom and sleep alone --I need my space --but then I realize that... that's my b*tch. She just wants to be up under me. She loves me. She wants to be with me every night. If I sleep in late, she'll sit still in hopes I don't get up to leave. She hates when I go to work. That's what love is, it's how you want to start and end your days.

"I don't understand how you're single. You're saying all the sh*t that'll get you wifed up," he pretended. I'd said I want a man to sit his ass down and pay the bills. I'll cook. I'll clean. But I don't want to do anything else. I don't want to work anymore. I've already worked far too hard. People don't seem to understand how difficult it is to be an employed business woman with hobbies. I don't know when I'm allowed to rest. I try, but there are so many things I'd rather do aside from the things I have to do. My life is a half mess... what I need is for someone to take care of that for me. If they can't... we're not going to both just look at the mess. You can go sit down somewhere. I might as well manage it on my own. Funny thing is... when a man is told he can just sit, he doesn't want to do sh*t else either. That I can't deal with. The point of taking the domestic things off your plate is so that you can do something else. I, personally, think women fucked up wanting to go to work. I'd sit home and raise my children. F*ck a paycheck.

The most difficult part of being me is controlling my ego: It's huge. I'm a queen & you can't tell me any different. I decided that God made me perfectly. The way I love God is how I should love my husband. The way God loves me is the way I deserve to be loved. I am not a perfect being by everyone's definition, but I am perfect being myself. The man who loves me will love me exactly the way I am. In his eyes, no other will compare. Faith and devotion are particular & I've begun to understand it better by working on my spirituality. I've had to understand how I love God. I drive myself half-insane reading scripture about what a wife is for. I've started going to church again. I found one by my house I enjoy. I go to St. Fortunada on Linden in Brooklyn. It's about a 5-minute walk from my house to my 12pm, sit-down-stand-up mass. I come home, take Duchess for a walk if the weather's nice, then try to find time to clean & cook whatever I'm eating for lunch the rest of the week. (Lentil Soup coming soon!) I consider my Sundays one big work-out. & there's the other problem: I like to cook rice, so I'd want him home. I'm only 24. Part of me wants to play wife & part of me just wants to play. I'm too far removed from the physical, but I can't be forced to do anything. When I cook, it's because I want to. When I clean, it's because I want(have) to. I don't like to have to do anything for anyone. It's really my ego.

"It's not time," I told CJ. I'm not ready for a real relationship. I'm still selfish. I'm still concerned about myself. I still don't trust n*ggas. Sometimes, I feel like I hold myself back. The rest of the time, I know it's true. I want too much, and that means I'm not ready. What I really need is for somebody to pay this rent. Or this car note. Or these school loans. The issue is, I have too much responsibility on my shoulders to carry another --or to waste time entertaining. I've decided that as long as I need somebody to pay my bills, I'm better off single --unless he wants to pay them. I just feel like joining in a partnership should be beneficial in all areas. & I can't help him out either. Right now, I can't just do it for the love. What men fail to realize is that every dinner, every gift, ever new bra and panties set, costs money.. but I mean... if you buying groceries, I ain't complaining. If not, I don't have the patience. I need a buffer. I need to be able to completely ignore someone and say, "that's not his responsibility"... otherwise, he'll be in the house while I sing Bills, bills, bills at the top of my lungs. I know me. I'm not nice.

I currently avoid most interactions with men. I don't think it's safe. Most men don't know me, they simply fall for the idea. They claim they like me, but they're just shocked I'm an actual individual & that I speak my mind. That I don't just agree and giggle -- although I do agree & giggle. I don't think my readers are this way... but most females are birds. *shrugs* If you don't know what a "bird" is... I mean... scatter brain - the origin of "Chicken Head". Pigeons. If you really want to know why I don't look for much female company... it's just not the kind of company I want. As sweet as most females are, they're not nice. & they're not concerned. & they are jealous and envious and all that. So I don't associate. Why would I hang around so many females? I like men. I'm am actually an excellent catch, so I'm not worried. It's just that big fish takes a lot of strength to reel in. The best fish are out in the middle of the ocean. If you want it, you've got to come all the way out for it. There should be no fear when you pursue me. It should be a calm interaction. I just need things to happen a certain way because if it doesn't feel right, it simply isn't. I've stopped having conversations about relationship with people in relationships... I've noted what's perfect for me isn't perfect for them... but that doesn't make me wrong. It sure as hell doesn't dissuade me.

I come off as stronger than I am. I worry. I doubt. I question. I ask CJ. That's where faith comes in. Cuz then I pray... Now I'm just trying to learn to pray first. Sometimes religion or spirituality aren't necessarily factual, but they provide guidelines so that you can live your life in the most peaceful manner. God helps me do that. I've just learned how to put my complete trust in Him even when I feel like He's f*cking with me. I need to know that He loves me in the moments I feel most alone. I need to know that I'm never actually alone. I've come to understand that the same would apply to a husband, if things are right. I mean... just like a nun, God is your first husband. Call me crazy, but it helps me sleep at night and He wakes me each day. It is hard to trust another person, but trust is the ultimate characteristic of a positive relationship --whether friendly or romantic. Through the good and the bad. Kind of like how God tested Job, but Job remained faithful. It is the job of us all. You should be able to trust that person with your life and even the times when they let you down or test you, you need to understand it's because they're scared, too. "You give a hoe space and she acts up," I explained to CJ. That's why we need to let people roam. That's why God gave us free will. If you want to stray, you can. If you want to leave, you can. But you will know that there is no better feeling than when you give yourself completely to Him. Grass is green everywhere... but if you know enough, you know that some places never see winter.

Everything is exactly as it seems;
Pretty pictures from a movie scene.
Damsels in distress,
Knights with courage.
Dragons,
Demons,
Dungeons.

Helen warring.

Pick what you live for,
or what you die for.
No need to cry cuz,
What are the tears for?

And what is fear for?
That's not what I'm here for.

I'm here to be the epitome of Free.

<3 ELLA

Reflection 2.24.13

2013-02-24T16:07:00.001-05:00

Just my thoughts... Just how I was feeling at the time.

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