ellemental

F*#k.

2014-06-09T08:44:00.001-05:00

While we were all getting ready for our day this morning, my oldest son (16 yrs) decided to play some incredibly obnoxious song that went something like: "F*#k this person... F*#k that person.. F*#k, F*#k F*#k!!!!" I'm paraphrasing, by the way. My son, however, seemed to know all the words to the song and sang it with enthusiasm, and I started to get distressed....

Why is he so angry? How am I going to deal with this? What do I do now? Why can't he be happy? Is he happy? (insert paranoid-parent-rant loop here) on... and on...

Then I remembered when I was his age, and I used to blast "Too Drunk to F*#k" by the Dead Kennedy's to piss off my parents, and I started to feel better.

And then I realized.. my son is only SINGING the song.... Think about the guy who actually WROTE and RECORDED the song! That is certainly a commitment anger, right? I started to feel even more relief and actually chuckled to myself. In fact, I felt so much better I decided to peruse the list of songs he's been writing, and I can do this because he keeps his lyrics in the Notes section in his Iphone that is backed up by the cloud (thank you apple) and here's what I found:

"Misery Syndrome"
"Dyslexic Boy"
"Lives in a Dream"
"The Shit Song"

:(

F*#k.

and just when I least expected it...

2014-05-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

Having a son with a seizure disorder can be challenging.

Not because its difficult to care for him, although it can be at times, I mean challenging because his episodes are so unpredictable. I find myself in a Zen-like subspace of preparedness at all times.

His seizures aren't anything scary to those around him. He's on so much medication that they manifest in some strange utterances and hand movements and mostly he'll just repeat the word, "please" over and over as if he's asking the seizure to leave him alone. We do know what they are, as many epileptic patients have them. They are called Complex (or Simple) Partial Seizures, and because he also has liver issues, we are having a difficult time controlling them with medication. We don't actually call them seizures, by the way, we call them "frights" because he feels such terror during them. We have been to many doctors and other various health care professionals for all sorts of help. He is currently gluten-free, sugar-free & carb-free, although he cheats now and again. I make sure his stress levels are balanced (like that is possible!) and I am hyper aware of barometric pressure changes, as these are all current working theories as to why the "frights" occur.

The big concern is... what damage are these frights doing? And the answer is... they continue to effect his memory, which has already been greatly damaged.

This is the scary part. How is he going to be independent with such a problematic memory? He's 16 now, and although he is taking driver's ed, will never really be able to drive. How will he support himself? Who will take care of him when I can't any longer?

All questions that leave me cold....

This morning, as my son was waiting for the bus, I heard his little brother (who is 11) go up to him and ask,

"You have your money for today?"

"Yea little bro, I got it.. thanks."

Wow. I was reminded that we are a family and as a family we will take care of each other. Such an amazing sense of pride and calmness washed over me.

The universe was providing some reassurance... and just when I least expected it...

And now that I have your attention...

2014-05-29T16:32:00.001-05:00

Where do I begin??? So many things on my mind just dying to come out and splash all over your computer screen!

What's new with me? Well... really... NOTHING! Same shit, different day. Still trying to figure out my place in this world... raise kids... find enjoyment in my job... make money... write... You'd think by now I'd have one of this issues resolved! But NOOOO..... Every time I think I've got this shit figured out, whammo... the universe reminds me that I am just not meant to have the answers... yet. But I keep trying, and I do move forward.

I do think I've improved at my "living in the moment" thing though. All that philosophizing and zenning seemed to have paid off. And it's the only way I can survive quite frankly. If I started to think about all the stuff I have to do and all the things I have to take care of I really would crawl right back into bed and never leave. I find it amazingly liberating to know that I can only deal with the one moment I am in... The rest of it will just have to wait its turn. AND who knows what will happen next? So I don't try to jump ahead anymore, I stay right here... I mean here... no.. here... here... Well, you get the picture.

and for my next trick....

xo

Hello Mtherfcker...

2014-05-28T18:35:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so I just watched the entire 8 or so episodes of Dexter...

But seriously I'm back.. and I miss the f*ck outta ya!!!! Facebook totally seduced us all away from the beautiful blogosphere we all found refuge in. I Used to come here because I needed a place to be me without judgement.... Remember when "blog" was a dirty word? Nah.. me neither.. ;) And for those of you that have completely come out of the closet and we are actually .. ahem .. Facebook friends and "know" each other... F*CK THAT!!!!! Get your goddamn masks on get honest!! Enough of the selfies and happy-life bullshit... Let's get REAL!!!!!!! I love you... madly, truly, deeply... but I miss the honest you. The GRIT that made me get out of bed and rush to my computer to see what your beautiful, dirty mind contrived....(god i miss that.. )

I LOVE YOU... You are such an amazing part of me... please .. please... don't abandon me...

I promise.. I still will be your Facebook Friend.. and I will "like" all your pics and amazing (rolling eyes) daily status' about coffee and dinner and .... zzzzz ... whatever you show me...

but

can we come back here, and celebrate our beautiful selves? Because lemme tellya somethin... YOU are fucking beautiful.. Your heart.. Your soul.... Your mind......

let's find each other.. shall we????

and here... is my fear... please know i really do love you... and saying that i "miss" you means.. i miss every part of you... ok?

I hate you!!!

2014-05-23T23:04:00.002-05:00

really i do!!! hate you that is....

but really... I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!!

Seriously.... though... You are stressing me! Stop! needing and needing and fucking needing.... I'm here for you and seriously I adore you... but... maybe we need a re-group...

so... STOP.... and THINK ....

What makes your life great?

Get a piece of paper out and write....WHAT MAKES MY LIFE GREAT?....

...and without judgement..... list what makes your life great... Then... share it with me.. and I may ask you to share your story.. or parts of story! Don't worry.. We'll negotiate ;)

xo

Anniversary

2012-12-28T14:33:00.001-05:00

Twenty-two years together... He looks over at me and says, "Look at you. What's not to love about you?"

And so much springs to mind... But does that really matter?

I guess not.

:)

Working it...

2012-12-09T09:43:00.001-05:00

Storylane asked: What is the most difficult part of your job? The most fun?

I have been a social worker for just about half of my life, and have many experiences both good and bad to last me the next half of my life. It's a job whose demands continually change... and there is the answer to the question, "What is the most difficult part of your job? The most fun?"

This is not just true of social work, I realize, we are forever evolving and changing, therefore our professions (for the most part) follow suit, but I believe that the way we handle and adapt to the changes we face is what defines "difficult" or "fun." I look at the obstacles in front of me as a personal challenge to discover the resources I have within and around me. A test of some sort that flushes out ideas and emotions I may not have realized I possess. I never come out of a difficult situation without having learned something valuable. Of course this can be emotionally draining, and physically exhausting sometimes, but managing that is a lesson as well, no? Finding the balance in life to not only exist, but thrive.

Now as far as fun goes, that's easy. I love to laugh and have a pretty decent sense of humor. It's been the saving grace in my life many times. I'm also incredibly blessed to be surrounded by some amazing professionals who feel the same way, which hasn't always been the case. I keep it "fun" by maintaining boundaries, being open and honest, keeping my ego in check, and by not participating in the office drama. I hold true to my personal and professional mission of helping others and as long as I hold that ideal in the forefront of my mind, things seems to go smoothly.

Of course if I hit the lottery I'm leaving it all behind for a rum-filled coconut on a beach in Bora Bora...but in the meantime...

"Fun" and "difficult" truly depend on how you work it.... ;)

(published at Storylane)

I used to...

2012-11-01T16:41:00.001-05:00

I used to define myself as someone on the brink of either greatness or catastrophe... But now I know which one it is... And it starts with a "g".

too close

2012-09-26T12:16:00.001-05:00

I am too close to the dream not to pull it down and devour it. I'm tired of dancing under its teasing canopy, fearing it will crash down, crushing me without fully realizing it. Fuck it. Why can't I rip it out of the stratosphere and own it? There's no answer to that question because there is no reason I cannot take it, have it, own it, be it.... It's time to push back. Get out of this painted corner and slide into the light.

and slide I will .... :)

Going mobile

2012-07-18T06:47:00.001-05:00

I've been blogging from my iPhone. There's an app for that.

And speaking of which, there is an app for just about everything you can possibly imagine and even more for the things you can't. I have become quite dependent on my little hand held friend and I find myself consulting it for everything...where to eat dinner, what to wear, how to get there, what to bring, who to bring. And when it's not telling me exactly what to do and where to do it, I'm using it to document and publish my life for the world to see.

I wonder if I could turn it off for a whole day and rough it using only the knowledge currently in my head to make my decisions. It would be an interesting experiment.

Let's see what the magic 8 ball app says about it...

Going home...

2012-07-15T08:28:00.001-05:00

We had a successful vacation.

We are all in tact, healthy, tanned, a few extra pounds heavier and are heading home.

I am a thankful mamma.

I'm also an exhausted mamma ready for a vacation.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Bananas

2012-07-14T07:57:00.001-05:00

What's it like parenting a teenager (with an injured brain) you wonder?

It's a barrel of monkeys!

Well actually, it's like a barrel of cute, cuddly, clinging, rabid monkeys with bipolar and attention deficit disorder who constantly want your full attention so they can either hug and kiss you or scream in your face to shut the fu*k up.

Yea that about sums it up.

And how does one deal with such an interesting creature? With love and patience of course!

And vodka.... Plenty of vodka....

Here's to bananas....

Dreaming....

2012-07-11T09:10:00.001-05:00

I've been dreaming of him every night. He's alive and happy and I can't stop watching him with relief. The feelings in the dream are the same even though the elements differ every night. We are all together at a party or somewhere and I think to myself, he is with us. Living without him was the dream or nightmare, but in reality he is here with us.

And then I wake up and a deep sadness fills in where the dream once was and reality returns. Sigh.

I'm not sure why this is happening to me now. I keep looking for some hidden significance in these particular days but find none. Although now that I am actually writing these words and processing these feelings I realize they not only apply to the one who is gone, but to the one who is living.

The feelings of love and relief and gratitude manifest in my dreams as I long for my father, and they manifest in my reality as I celebrate my son. To all be together one in one realm is the thing for which I am dreaming.

A glimpse.

2012-07-09T10:09:00.001-05:00

Have you ever seen an unexpected glimpse of yourself in a reflection or notice the shape of your shadow sprawling across the ground and think... Holy shit. Am I that person? Is that who I am? As if you had no idea of what or who you were because the way you feel on the inside doesn't exactly match what you look like on the outside?

No? Wow. You are lucky. It happens to me a lot.

My insides and outsides seldom match which is probably why I hate having my picture taken. I don't like having concrete evidence of who or what I am. I like to think of myself as a free spirit that goes with the flow...a delicate wisp of something which is at one with the universe yet unique in every way. Different and special.

I don't want to be frozen in any particular shape or form, not even for one's momentary glimpse.

vvv...vacationing

2012-07-08T08:49:00.001-05:00

I'm on our annual summer family vacation. We travelled here with another family in one vehicle. We were in said vehicle for over 12 hours. It was.....challenging.....to say the least. Thank god for I(pad/pod/phone) and ear plugs....and liquor..

We were on a similar vacation this time last year with the same family at the same time. Unfortunately, that vacation was interrupted by the stint in hell we all went through with my older son's illness and subsequent lengthy recovery.

I'll be honest. I'm a little nervous. I feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff I was once violently pushed off. Yikes.

poke

2012-06-18T08:08:00.000-05:00

I poke myself in the eye with my mascara wand at least once a day.

I have been wearing makeup since I was 12 years old. I am now 44, and one would think I wouldn't be so clumsy with my wand after all these years, but I am. On some internal level I must do it on purpose...wait... I don't mean that I purposely jab my eyeball with the thing....because that would be crazy!!

But... I guess I do.

I'm so concerned about not poking myself in the eye (yet again) that I end up doing exactly that. Poke. This is a very simple example of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am actually willing myself to do exactly what I am trying not to do by giving the action my thoughts and energy...yet I do it anyway! It's not like I think about it all that much. I don't wake up in the morning and worry about poking myself in the eye. I don't give it any thought at all, or so I thought, but I guess I do since it keeps happening.

And why care about it all so much today to write about it? Where is the message? Why on earth have I defined myself today as the "one-who-regularly-pokes-her-eye-with-her-mascara-wand?"Hmmmmm....

Maybe it's about repeating patterns. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. About how to break certain cycles in my life. That's the thing about cycles though, they always come around again, and they seem to cause amnesia or something. Why else would I keep repeating them? I'd like to consider myself a fairly intelligent person, so why the illogical poking?

Maybe changing a cycle can't be done by actually changing the thing you are trying to change (follow that?).

Maybe it's not that direct.

Cycles in ones life are like gears in a machine that click together and move each other in certain directions causing that machine to move forward (or poke herself in the eye). Maybe I'm concentrating on the wrong gears to change... or maybe I'm just crazy.

Who knows? I'll keep ya posted ;)

The New Age

2012-05-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed some redecorating around here... I'm on a spiritual quest of some sort. Not really anything new in my life I suppose.

The journey just continues to evolve, which is what it is supposed to do, right? I feel as if the angst of the quest has quelled and I am now entering into a more active stage. I don't want to just read about the meaning of life, I want to be the meaning of life. I want to be an active force in this life, but how? How do I use the lessons that I have learned over the years and the lessons I am learning now in my every day life? How do I actually manifest my own destiny, and what the heck does that actually mean?

"New age" is such a strange term. I used to think that people who were into "new age" wore pyramids on their heads or tin foil hats or something like that. But I realize that is a stereotype television invented (although I fully apologize if you are currently wearing either of those things at this moment.)

This is the new age of creating your own spiritual ideals. Gone are the days of controlling dogmatic religion. It's about listening to the spirit within, realizing that you are your best teacher. Discovering that you are divine and already hold the answers to all your questions. You create your own truth.

Finding the things that resonate in your heart and in your soul is how you discover your truth, and when you do, you have entered the new age.

Welcome <|:-)

Poetry

2012-04-28T08:47:00.000-05:00

New post: chasm

Poetry

2012-04-28T08:46:00.000-05:00

New post: swan song

Poetry

2012-04-21T18:39:00.002-05:00

New post: still

Back to Basics

2012-02-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

Life can take us on quite a wild ride.

So wild in fact that everything just blurs together in some strange kaleidoscopic chaos. The next thing you know, days and months, and sometimes years have gone by in a flash, but the whirling dervish of chaos is so hypnotic you didn't even notice them pass on by.

It takes some sort of punctuating event from your time-spinning coma to jolt you back to awareness to show you where you actually are, where you've been, and hopefully a glimpse into where you are going. I often find myself at some familiar sign post along my road and only then do I realize that time has flown on by.

Wow.

The only sentiment I can muster before the winds of change come back to sweep me away.

So what does all this mean?

I have no freaking idea.

But I think what I should be doing is getting back to the basics. The basics of what makes me..... me. The simple things. Not the complex "what is the meaning of life stuff," the basic care and feeding instructions I require to survive.

What are they? Good question.

I guess that is where I shall start.

What are yours?

Filling in some gaps...

2012-02-20T14:10:00.002-05:00

As I look through the last few entries, I realize I need to fill in some gaps.

I still intend to write a book about my father, but I have put the project on hold for now. My son actually got incredibly sick and we almost lost him. He ended up staying in the hospital all summer and some of the Fall. He has a very rare metabolic condition which caused him to have a massive seizure that resulted in some brain swelling and subsequent damage. After being released from the intensive care unit, he was placed in a rehab center where he spent 5 weeks undergoing intensive therapy to regain his basic skills and memory. It was quite a traumatic time for the whole family, but I'm happy to report he has made a remarkable recovery and he is home safe and sound. We still have obstacles to face and the journey continues, but today is healthy and happy and watching tv in the next room, so we have a lot to be thankful for!

xo

My mind drifts...

2011-10-11T14:50:00.001-05:00

My mind drifts to the woman I met in the drug store this morning. She was an African American with her hair braided across the top of her head. The fine silver threads interwoven were the only clue to her age, along with her stories of children raised long ago. She sees me looking for random things here and here, not seemingly able to find anything and she asks if she can help. I quickly reply no, hoping I was polite enough. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m tired of being helped and being nice. I want to stop needing so much damn help. She is quickly by my side saying something so perfectly fitting for the moment, as if she read my mind. I can’t comprehend the words she is saying but I know, she understands. I find myself letting her guide me along the aisles and the warmth of her spirit finds its way into my gated heart and mind. I want to be in her kitchen or maybe lying on her couch while she fixes me something warm to drink that she will bring to me on a tray. I want to sip it from a giant mug as she tells me stories of the people she met in the store that day. I want to drift off to sleep as my dreams ride the cadence of her voice.

And in the meantime....

2011-07-16T12:10:00.001-05:00

My little guy fell and broke his wrist in 2 places. He is in another hospital about 2 hours away from me getting it set and wrapped in a cast.. I swear... Ya can't make this shit up... Just when you think things can't get worse.

We are due some good karma. I'm waiting for Brad Pitt to show up.. naked.. with a million dollars in cash.. and keys to a mansion on the beach... :)

We wait.

2011-07-16T08:46:00.000-05:00

I think as soon as I hit "publish post" on my last blog entry I caused some type of cosmic stir, because my life has not had a moment of calm since.

I'm writing this from the critical care unit of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia a few feet away from my oldest son Jay as he complains about not having enough milk to wash down his Egg Mc Whatever.

First let me say that the weather this week has been absolutely magnificent. The perfect beach weather, and it's a good thing since we planned a family vacation with another family at the beach. The sky has been clear and blue, the humidity is minimal, and the breeze is perfectly refreshing... Or so we have heard...

It started on our way down to our vacation spot. Jay first complained of a headache, then of his stomach feeling weird, then he puked, got a fever, and that was just the beginning. Things worsened when we arrived, and because he has had liver failure in the past, his possible dehydration is always a concern since it seems to be the trigger. My husband took him to the local ER for fluids and blood work, and things seemed to improve, which (of course) is when things got a whole lot worse, and we ended up in Children's Hospital.. where Jay recovered, was released.. and readmitted 14 hours later with a fever, headache, dehydration and delirium.

He's feeling a lot better now. We are still in the ICU, but he is sitting up and eating without fever...Thank goodness.

There is no answer to the medical enigma that is my son. They have consulted every medical person known to man and have drawn gallons upon gallons of his blood for testing. ... and so now... we wait.

ellemental

F*#k.

and just when I least expected it...

And now that I have your attention...

Hello M*therf*cker...

I hate you!!!

Anniversary

Working it...

I used to...

too close

Going mobile

Going home...

Bananas

Dreaming....

A glimpse.

vvv...vacationing

poke

The New Age

Poetry

Poetry

Poetry

Back to Basics

Filling in some gaps...

My mind drifts...

And in the meantime....

We wait.

Hello Mtherfcker...