elle~mental

My mind drifts...

2011-10-11T14:50:00.001-05:00

My mind drifts to the woman I met in the drug store this morning. She was an African American with her hair braided across the top of her head. The fine silver threads interwoven were the only clue to her age, along with her stories of children raised long ago. She sees me looking for random things here and here, not seemingly able to find anything and she asks if she can help. I quickly reply no, hoping I was polite enough. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m tired of being helped and being nice. I want to stop needing so much damn help. She is quickly by my side saying something so perfectly fitting for the moment, as if she read my mind. I can’t comprehend the words she is saying but I know, she understands. I find myself letting her guide me along the aisles and the warmth of her spirit finds its way into my gated heart and mind. I want to be in her kitchen or maybe lying on her couch while she fixes me something warm to drink that she will bring to me on a tray. I want to sip it from a giant mug as she tells me stories of the people she met in the store that day. I want to drift off to sleep as my dreams ride the cadence of her voice.

And in the meantime....

2011-07-16T12:10:00.001-05:00

My little guy fell and broke his wrist in 2 places. He is in another hospital about 2 hours away from me getting it set and castted... I swear... Ya can't make this shit up... Just when you think things can't get worse.

We are due some good karma. I'm waiting for Brad Pitt to show up.. naked.. with a million dollars in cash.. and keys to a mansion on the beach... :)

We wait.

2011-07-16T08:46:00.000-05:00

I think as soon as I hit "publish post" on my last blog entry I caused some type of comic stir, because my life has not had a moment of calm since.

I'm writing this from the critical care unit of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia a few feet away from my oldest son Jay as he complains about not having enough milk to wash down his Egg Mc Whatever.

First let me say that the weather this week has been absolutely magnificent. The perfect beach weather, and it's a good thing since we planned a family vacation with another family at the beach. The sky has been clear and blue, the humidity is minimal, and the breeze is perfectly refreshing... Or so we have heard...

It started on our way down to our vacation spot. Jay first complained of a headache, then of his stomach feeling weird, then he puked, got a fever, and that was just the beginning. Things worsened when we arrived, and because he has had liver failure in the past, his possible dehydration is always a concern since it seems to be the trigger. My husband took him to the local ER for fluids and blood work, and things seemed to improve, which (of course) is when things got a whole lot worse, and we ended up in Children's Hospital.. where Jay recovered, was released.. and readmitted 14 hours later with a fever, headache, dehydration and delirium.

He's feeling a lot better now. We are still in the ICU, but he is sitting up and eating without fever...Thank goodness.

There is answer to the medical enigma that is my son. They have consulted every medical person known to man and have drawn gallons upon gallons of his blood for testing. ... and so now... we wait.

shhhh

2011-07-03T14:23:00.000-05:00

I seem to be going through something. (So what's new?) I just want quiet. Is it possible the angst is over? Has the fire that has been burning inside of me for so long finally died down?

I'm not sure... and I'm not sure how I feel about it if it has.

There is something very peaceful in the quiet I feel, something very calm and... nice. But I am afraid of what it may mean. The fire is what has driven me to whatever goal I have set for myself. Can I get there without it? Is my maturing some sort of acceptance or complacency, things that I have feared for so long.

Maybe this is just some sort of cocooning... and soon something new will emerge.

Step 2.1

2011-06-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

I'm still stuck at step 2.. Although I did start writing about my dad.. I just had to get us all through the end of the school year transition.

And speaking of which... HAPPY SUMMER!!

We all had a very positive ending to a very productive and happy school year. Whew!! I haven't been able to say that since.... well... ever.

Jay, who is 13 now and plays the electric guitar, and his friend who plays the drums, won an "American Idol" contest at school with their amazingly rocked out version of American Idiot and Holiday by Green Day. Not only did they win the contest, but they earned enough points for their team to win the end of the year school wide competition. I was so proud of how Jay commanded the stage and got the audience involved. If you know the lyrics to either of these songs, then you know they had to do some creative editing. Jay yelled... "WHEN I SAY 1 2 3 4... YOU GO CRAZY!!" And they did!! Everyone was so amazed at how these two usually quiet dudes were wailing on stage. They were kings. At least for the rest of the afternoon.

When your child has such a passion for something, you want to do everything you can to support them. To us Jay sounds incredible, but we love the kid madly. I'll be honest, we were afraid that maybe we were blinded by that love and maybe the rest of the world wouldn't think he was as amazing as we thought he was. This was definitely evidence to the contrary.. another whew...

And now for some gushy mommy news about the little guy... who will be 9 next month...

He just donated 10 inches of his hair to Locks of Love. He had been growing his hair for over a year and enduring all sorts of comments and staring, but I have to say, he pulled it off. He's one of those people that can make just about anything look cool. He is also emerging as quite a baseball player. He is on a travel league and he pitches. I am in awe of this kid. Where did he come from? So calm and collected on the mound, totally in control. It's thrilling to watch him.

I am one totally proud mama. That's for sure.

Step two

2011-04-22T11:12:00.002-05:00

The first rule of writing is... write what you know.

I have chosen to write a book about my father, who was basically a complete enigma to me my whole life. Makes sense, right? Absolutely not. Maybe it's some sort of divine intervention from beyond the grave that pushes me forward. Maybe it's some inner impetus driving me to somehow find my own story in his. I'm not sure. At this moment in time, I am just embarking on this journey of discovery, of him, of me, of us.

She gave me her blessing, in fact she feels honored on his behalf.

I am exhilarated and a little scared.

And so it begins…

Step one

2011-04-12T08:28:00.000-05:00

I am preparing.

I am preparing to meet his widow, my stepmother, and discuss with her my intention of writing a book about his life. I cannot begin to describe the series of events that lead me to this decision, but there was definitely a series of events that did, which is why I feel compelled to move forward. I am someone who has always looked for reason in her life. I need to know the "whys" more than the "whats." I seem to be continually considering the plane between here and there, which sometimes distracts me from the obvious. I need to understand his story and his message, because I know that my story is somewhere embedded in there.

So, this is the first step. Speaking with her. Telling her my intention. Getting her blessing? I need her access to him, to key people in his life, although I have a list of my own, but I know he would want her on board. He would want his family to support each other in their various endeavors.

What if she says no? I have thought of this. Who owns the rights to a story? Does the wife supersede the daughter? I am not sure. From what I have researched "permission" is what deems a biography authorized as opposed to an unauthorized version. I suppose I could always go that route if she denies me, but it lends such a sinister tint to the whole project and that's not the point. I have to find the best avenue for us all.

We are meeting for dinner next week. Wine. We will need plenty of wine.

Clean

2011-02-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

I did the Master Cleanse for 6 days. I loved it, lost 11 pounds and felt amazing. It's not for everyone. It wasn't as hard as I expected after the first two days. It helps to be entrenched in routine and busy. Sitting around thinking about eating food does not help.

I was not only able to kick the coffee habit, but I have been headache free and not in need of allergy medication.. until today. There is so much old moldy snow on the ground, that my body just couldn't fight it anymore and I had to take a pill. Considering I was taking several a day, every day, one in three weeks isn't so bad.

I will do the cleanse again when I can do it longer. We had a lot of events this month and it is hard to stay on the cleanse while one is out and about. It is definitely something to be done while somewhat sequestered.

:)

2011-02-23T07:36:00.000-05:00

Sending loving thoughts and prayers to our friends in New Zealand.

Master Cleansing...

2011-02-10T17:34:00.000-05:00

I started the Master Cleanse, aka, lemonade diet today. So far so good, except for the killer headache I'm having because of my caffeine withdrawal. Ouch. My goal is to do this for 7 days, although if I can get through today I will be impressed. It's not easy to not eat, especially since for me since I have such an emotional attachment to food.

I need to do this. I need a fresh start and to and get back on track with my health and well being. I'm looking at this as the first step in the detoxification of my life.

I'll keep you posted...

Hammer-time

2011-02-08T11:16:00.000-05:00

I went to the gynecologist. It's not time for my yearly physical, but I wanted to talk to the doc about a few things.

My PMS is out of control.

I realize I'm at an age where my body is yet again experiencing a hormonal change, but I just can't take continue to ride this emotional rollercoaster. I usually realize how bad the PMS is when it's over.. if that makes any sense. It's insidious and creeps up on me slowly until I'm full of emotional turmoil and craziness. Then one day I wake up and...voila!!.. Normalcy resumes, and I cannot even recognize the person I had been the few days before. I mean, who the hell was that crazy irrational emotional bitch who caused the damage and mess that I will have to clean up??

It's just such a range of emotions and behavior, and after tracking it a while I realized that it was the PMS. So I talked to the doctor, and much to my relief, he immediately validated everything I said, assuring me I was one of many women who have come to him with the same complaint. I felt relieved. There really is something to this. In fact, it even has a name. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)

Now here is some irony for ya.. I went to this same doctor (who I love and trust) 15 years ago with a Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 4th Edition (DSMIV) in my hand to show him that what I was experiencing was indeed this PMDD, however, he was not convinced. I can understand, since then it was actually part of the manual, but in the section to considered for future inclusion.

So... finally... there it is.. the diagnosis... No..it's not all in my head, or because of my faulty thinking or forever flawed personality.. it's a real thing. Now, I'm not saying that I don't have some faulty thinking or that I'm not hopelessly flawed, because thankfully indeed I am, lest I be a bore... but.. I'm a pretty rational human being who is able to effect logic and reason in her life, and when I'm caught in the PMDD shit storm, none of these skills apply or can even be considered. And basically I couldn't take it anymore. I cannot continue to dissect myself to pieces and consider ripping up my whole life every time an egg decides to pop out of my ovary.

Now what is the treatment, you wonder?

There happens to be a mediation for this troublesome diagnosis called Serafem. What is Serafem? My pharmacist explained to me that it is basically an old hammer to treat a new nail...huh? It's Prozac. Oh.

So.... It's Hammer-time... and I have to say...so far so good.

Coming out of the closet.

2011-02-06T18:33:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about going public... with my blog.

Some of you out there know my real name and many details about my life, and for those of you whom I have shared this with, I am quite secure in your being in the know. I have been contemplating posting a link to the blog on my public facebook account, so I have been going through the posts to see which ones may cause distress if they were made public, or get me into trouble. I have written about work, and I guess if you work with me and read the posts you can figure out exactly who I have written about. So what? There is nothing I have said here that I haven't said in my life. The only thing missing here is their actually names.

Why go public now? Good question.

I think part of me wants to share this extensive body of work with all the people in my life. I try to live openly and honestly and keeping a secret blog isn't exactly conducive to that goal.

Can I deal with the questions and comments from these folks in my life?

Can I continue to write from the heart if I am concerned about what my co-workers or relatives or child hood friends are thinking when they read my words?

Am I ready to expand my inner circle that far?

I just don't know.

Of course, the worst thing of all would be if no one read it after I went public. I don't think I could take the rejection.

Maybe I'll just stay here in my comfy closet a little longer until I can answer these questions.

3 Things I am currently obsessed with.

2011-02-04T13:59:00.001-05:00

# 1
Foreign films.... I watch one a day, thanks to instant netflix, and I just can't get enough. I feel like I've traveled the world without ever leaving my cozy couch. Love them.

# 2
Street art... everything about it. It reminds us to see the beauty everywhere. Love him.

# 3
Reading... Almost a book a day. Anything and everything, but mostly historical fiction. I can't get enough and being able to have a book in front of me within seconds is just heaven.... Love it!

Organic attempt number 1.

2011-02-03T09:00:00.003-05:00

Kid #1:

"Hey Ma! I went organic today at school!"

"You did? How?"

"Well, they had some crappy chicken for lunch so instead I had a bag of baked potato chips and a diet snapple iced tea."

"um...great, hon."

Kid #2

"So, we are going to get rid of all the junk food and get healthy together."

"AHHHHHHH!!! NO WAY MOM!!!! That stuff is disgusting!!!!!!"

Oh boy... we have a long way to go...

Going Organic... maybe...

2011-01-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

My husband and I desperately want to be a vegetarians. The only problem is that vegetarians don't eat meat, and we love to. We read books about the horrors of slaughterhouses and watch documentaries about the evils of the food industry, but life without Buffalo wings or Five Guys Cheeseburgers is just too hard to swallow (pun intended).

There seems to be a "disconnect" with knowing where the food came from and the actual food. Packaging has become so masterful at disguising this that one hardly associates what the food actually is with what it looks like on its package. The worse the food is for you the prettier the package is and the easier it is to prepare. Just slice the film top of the cute little microwavable bowl and nuke for 2 minutes, and voila, a meal fit for a king!!

Ew.

I wonder what it would be like to truly go organic. I mean have you ever seen real organic food? It's ugly!! The fruit isn't as colorful or perfect as the waxed and poisoned stuff in the supermarket, and it rarely comes in microwavable bowls with a film top. I wonder how my kids will deal with snacks that may take a bit more effort to prepare than ripping open their convenient foil pouches.

When I talk to my husband about really going organic, although part of him wants to, as evidenced by our continuing research into the subject, he will dismiss the idea because the thought of doing what it takes to get there is overwhelming for two busy, working parents raising boys with limited attention spans.

Is this a legitimate reason not to try though? Smoking cigarettes can kill, but should one not quit because it may inconvenience their daily schedule? Of course not!!!

It will take effort. There will be sacrifices. There will be tears when pop tarts no longer take up permanent residency in the cabinet, but there is no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it.

an idea.

2011-01-27T11:25:00.004-05:00

I had a great idea.

In fact, I have this growing file of great ideas in my mind with the intention of one day finally being able to share them with the world.

When will that be, I wonder? I'm not sure. I think when I'm done, but I'm not sure what I will be done with. Work? Mothering young boys? Winter? I really don't know, and although I will sometimes feel close to be done, I never really see an end in sight. A perpetual limbo land.

But I fear that perhaps this idea will be the only thing I leave behind in this world. This one idea. What if everything I have ever done in my life is completely eclipsed by this one singular, simple idea? No one ever thinks about the person who generated the idea. Do you think about the person who invented the coffee filters you put in your coffee machine every morning? You would never be able to function if you stopped and thought of all the people who created everything you see before you at this very minute. And why should you? You shouldn't. In fact, I could not think of one possible reason why you should just now.

I am aware that we do in fact know those behind the most brilliant and life changing inventions and ideas that have had global impact. I'm not really thinking about (or having) those kinds of ideas. I'm talking about the small ones. The little clever things I dream up that are just too yummy to keep to myself. Like the way I discovered using Anbesol (used to numb a toothache) on a little boy's splinter to lessen the pain and trauma of having it removed by an over anxious mother with a sharp tweezer.

picked clean...

2011-01-25T20:42:00.002-05:00

There was not two minutes put together today that I was not being urgently called upon. Ever have one of those days?

I sit here a pile of bones... no flesh left to nourish. There must be something about me that attracts panic and mayhem, and sometimes misdirected anger. Usually... I just take it, although I will stand up for myself when I have to. I am willing to hear you vent, and even display your rage, but I will not allow myself to be mauled.

And it happens. Often.

That is the business I have chosen. The business of people and their lives, and their kids lives, and their futures, and for the most part it is rewarding and wonderful, and for the most part it sucks the life out of me.

I woke up crying today.

2011-01-22T11:39:00.001-05:00

I hate that.

Sleeping can be anything but restful sometimes. I tend to go through more emotional turmoil while I sleep then I do when I am awake which might explain my avoidance of the activity altogether and subsequent insomnia. I usually wait until I am so exhausted either by activity or reading that there is no other choice but to fall asleep. In fact, it just happens without my knowing it at all.

In my dream, I remember having a conversation with an old friend about trying to remember what was so great about college and why my dreams always brought me back there, although this particular dream about college was more of a nightmare. I couldn't find my dorm, then found someone else in my room and with all her friends and they wouldn't leave even though they were in the wrong room; I had an argument with someone who worked in the cafeteria because he kept cursing at me and I didn't know why; I tried to get a cup of coffee, but every cup I grabbed was too soft to hold coffee or had holes in it; and I couldn't find my roommate.

Not necessarily the stuff of dreams that one longs to return to. I think I was looking for the element that made it so wonderful. The one thing that keeps calling me back to it. Was it my friends? Was it the freedom? What was it and could I find a way to manifest it in my world today so I would no longer pine for it in my subconscious and dream about it, and worse wake up feeling so empty and lost. This was the gist of the conversation I was having with my friend in my dream when I began sobbing.

I never did get an answer. The dog jumped on the bed and then the phone rang, waking me up.

Hmmm… need to let this one marinate a while.

out with the girls...

2011-01-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more obnoxious than a 20 something, guido-in-training, waiter saying to a table of sophisticated woman in their 40's, "So what are you girls gonna have?"

Excuse me?

I shot him a look, and he responded, "Oh, you don't want me to take your order?"

Um, no, I want you to take my order as I smack the smart assness right off your baby face, you little shit...

I really had to hold my tongue. Who the hell did this kid think he was? I usually don't care about things like that, but it took some doing to get this group of ladies together and I didn't want anything to ruin our night.

I made the mistake of asking him for a glass of ice, because the mixed drink I was having (sweet tea vodka and unsweetened tea) was a bit tepid and there is nothing worse than warm vodka, so he brought me over a little bucket of ice, placing it on the table for the "Ice Princess."

I kindly replied by slipping an ice cube into his apron pocket...

"Compliments of the Ice Princess."

When we were getting ready to leave, I excused myself and went to the ladies room.

He was waiting for me when I came out.

"If I gave you my number, would you text me later? Maybe we could get together. I know you are married, but I could be your boy toy on the side. I'm very discreet. Text me and I'll send you some pictures."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, I am, really, here is my number." wink wink

"I'll think about it.."

I really didn't know what to say. I haven't had a waiter stick his number in my pocket in a long time, and truth be told. I was totally flattered in an odd kind of way.

I didn't say anything to my friends when I returned from the bathroom, I waited until we were in the car.

"So what did you think of that waiter?"

"He was alright, cute, but a bit of a brat."

"Yea? Well he gave me his number and wants to be my boy toy."

They didn't believe me at first, thinking I was just kidding around because I was the most caustic of the group toward him. Then I produced the evidence:

Gasping ensued. Then laughter. Then the teasing.

All in all.. it was a pretty good night.

Breakdown

2010-08-26T17:32:00.004-05:00

Descending the treacherous stairway in the dark, following the weary bouncing beam of light leading the way, my senses begin to process. My eyes adjust to the pulsating hues of blue and purple as my ears willingly absorb the glorious blaring, and I catch a whiff of that sweet long ago herb. The energy of the masses imbibe and I am exhilarated and reminded. Why did I ever stop coming here? I cannot fathom a reasonable answer, but it is different this time. I have my oldest with me, and this is his initiation of sorts into a world that I have kept from him in his tender years. I try to explain to him what he can expect to see and hear, but it is useless. It's meant to be felt, and it is different for us all.

Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me...

The lights explode, the crowd thunders and jumps to their feet scream-singing the lyrics with love and loyalty as they dance and clap. We are one writhing organism moving in perfect harmony. For a moment I imagine how this all must look through the eyes of the preteen standing next to me, but I am dissolved into the nostalgia embedded in my psyche that the music awakens. Visions of girls driving a convertible mustang looking for fun and trouble fill my mind. All of who I am at the moment is stripped away and I stand there naked and adoring, and that's when it happens.

Breakdown honey take me through the night...

Finding that moment in the perfect familiar song where words veer off to the left and to the right seemingly on a path that only our energy will forge. The hypnotic syllables flow from his lips and we repeat them in perfect unison as if rehearsed, but they are not. Bringing us up and down, over and through the vibe he is feeling until we are feeling it too. Then they let loose and become primal as they pound their instruments into oblivion, and all you feel is bliss.

Breakdown now I'm standing here can't you see...

Coming down off the high, a new journey begins. The train slowly leaves the station and we head to unknown territory. The only choice is to sit back and enjoy the ride. Wheels chugging along as we gaze out the window and see a new frontier speeding by. New words and music that will bore their way deep into our minds to settle and awaken the next time.

Breakdown it's all right...

As the houselights flood the arena and the dream disappears, I look at my son, and ask him,

"So did you like it?"

"It's all right"

Yea... it's all right.. ;)

woof

2010-08-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

We got a dog, although I think he thinks he's mine. It's actually nice to have someone so attentive at my feet :)... At least he listens to me. Such a good boy. It had been a discussion in our house for some time. I have 2 boys, and boys want dogs. I think my lil guy is a bit afraid of him, even though this dog is incredibly gentle. I'm sure that will change. I'll keep you posted.

woof.

Don't you love how...

2010-08-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

I tell you in my last post that I have a lot to say, and then don't say anything for a week? Yea, I'm clever like that..

We are getting a dog. Well, we are probably getting a dog, that is if we like the dog and the dog likes us. We are going to meet him on Monday, and if all goes well we will take him home with us.

Getting a dog has been been an ongoing discussion for a while in my house, and I think it's time. I know dogs are work, and that I will probably be doing most of it or all of it, despite the numerous promises to the contrary, but that's ok. I think I want this dog more than them...but please don't tell them this because I would like to milk the novelty as long as possible.

Wish me luck...

woof.

my blog

2010-08-03T11:55:00.000-05:00

I started to blog after I had my second baby (who is 8yrs old now) and decided to do the stay-at-home mom thing, which lasted about 2 years. The original plan was that I would stay at home with the boys until the youngest was 12, then I'd go back to work, but it was too difficult financially, and emotionally, and going back to work was the best decision for my family and myself. I was able to stay at home for the first two years of both my sons lives, having worked in between pregnancies, and we spend our summers "off" together and for that I am grateful.

The blog helped me connect and stay connected to people which was crucial for my emotional survival. If anyone has stayed home with children for an extended period of time, then you know exactly what I mean. Don't get me wrong, being a mother is an incredibly fulfulling experience, but the day to day tasks involved in caring for children is maddening and it is easy to lose one's identity in life's details. The blog also became my lifeline during the most traumatic times of my life, helping me through some incredibly dark days.

There are even times I dream about my beloved blog being discovered by some big time publisher who wants to turn my little purple space into a book, and then, of course into a movie, starring Angelina Jolie as Elle and Brad Pitt as Mr. Elle, and of course they will need me on the set everyday as a consultant, and Brad may even ask me for some kissing advice which of course I can only illustrate..... oh.. sorry... anyway... what I am trying to say is that I tend to lose perspective.

What do I want to say? I ask myself this question a lot.

What is so special about me that someone will want to read what I have to say anyway? I ask this too.

The answers don't come easily, if at all.

But the truth is... I have a lot to say. My life isn't glamorous or exciting, but it's a life, just like any other, and it's not the events of this life that make me who I am, but the way I perceive and deal with things that makes me unique. I have to remember that about myself.

I have lost and found and lost and found my voice here. I have reinvented the space, changed it's name, and even considered abandoning it, although I never could. I know myself too well. I would just end up starting one again in day or so. Even though I don't write here as often as I used to I need to know it is here, like my cyber security blanket, and I do occassionally peruse the posts in the archives as one would pore over pictures in an old photo album. It's my journal afterall, my web log, my blog.

dreamy

2010-08-02T13:38:00.001-05:00

It's a dreamy day. The clouds are meandering across the clear blue sky providing just enough sun and shade to create the perfect equilibrium of elements which seems all too scarce these days. I tried to get Jay up and out the door to go to the lake with me while the lil guy is at camp, but he doesn't want to go. I've learned not to push too hard lest I unleash the evil preteen monster lurking just beneath the surface. So we are doing what we love to do. Listening to music, writing, playing the guitar, going from one thing to another. At first I felt guilty about it. It's a nice day, we should be at the beach or something, but, we get so few of these lovely dreamy days to do whatever we want, so I gave in. All too soon our lives will be filled to the brim with activity and stress, so it's best to chill when we can and just dream.

amusement

2010-07-31T15:03:00.002-05:00