I like tattoos, they are rebellious…

The topic – most topics ‘ladies’ still struggle to openly verbalise or put in writing where others can judge their thoughts…my love of tattoos and anything else that goes against what society has labelled appropriate…

I am always very inappropriate!!

I am a very open minded person – in my sexuality, the way I parent as well as my views/opinions in general. Being open minded doesn’t mean I am without morals, mine may just differ from yours.

I am happily married, have 3 kids and 4 dogs… It’s a busy home, but I wouldn’t change a thing!

Want me to post something you would rather not? email eloquenttash@live.com

Follow me on twitter @eloquenttash

If you do want to use any of these quotes, please link it back to me as these are my own.

*Nothing is unachievable unless you have already decided you cannot achieve it. ~ natasha

*We may not be able to change the world, but we can change the world around us ~ natasha

*I grow wiser and gain more knowledge with each year that I get ‘older’ yet my spirit doesn’t age ~ natasha

*Rather hurt me with the truth than hurt me with a lie ~ natasha

*People are drawn to each other either by circumstance or similarity ~ natasha

*After heartbreak, when does the heart heal.. how long does your heart refuse to feel what you believe deep down is still there. when do the old memories fade and the hope for new ones start? ~ natasha

* Reading about misogyny, misandry and racism proves one thing. We have all been psychologically conditioned to hate each other ~ natasha

*”Why do people live by the words of those who critique them and not by the words of those who love them?” ~ natasha

*Don’t regret what you think you have lost… Appreciate what you know you have. It might not be exactly what you want, but in the moment, its exactly what you need* ~ natasha

Some Quirky

*From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.

*No matter what a woman looks like, if she’s confident, she’s sexy.

*”I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

*A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late – Frank Sinatra, The Joker Is Wild

*I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa zsa Gabor….

Some Deep

*Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.”

*I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not….

*Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control…

*”A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

It began for me when I was only 4 years old. As mentioned in a previous post, I have BPD .  I experience anger in a way that someone without BPD  could never begin to comprehend.  I have to wait until the anger lets go of me.  My anger is exponentially amplified by the chemical imbalance in my brain.

I sometimes feel like there is a war going on within me.  I am a soldier of war, standing on the battlefield with an unloaded gun.  I stare right down the barrel of the enemies gun.  I shrug my shoulders – I know this feeling all to well.  I could give in to the hatred, walk the very familiar path of destruction, or I could fight back, fight with all that I have left in me.

No such luck today, the emotion is too strong.  I surrender to the inevitable, the anger engulfs me.  The internal war has begun.

The outcome never surprises me…

(For the 3rd time in 8 months, our house was broken into while my children were inside sleeping.  The rage and hatred I am feeling right now is the reason for this post.  The emotional trauma my 3 children have experienced, yet again, is the reason I am breaking my most sacred rule in life.  I don’t even allow my children to play with the toy replica’s.  I am done being scared.  I will not see my Husband cry as he patrols the inside of our house in fear as our children sleep… Next time, I will be ready – armed and angry!!)

I believe that true wisdom can only be gained from the acknowledgement of any base difference of perspectives, beliefs or blind doctrines, from every culture and every creed.  Only then are we capable of making an informed decision to either accept or reject the information.  The rational behind our decision is personal, based on our own internal values.  We make the choice to either listen and learn or to remain ignorant and misinformed.  We don’t know everything about anything,  before rejecting the opportunity to engage in debate with others, ask yourself if you can really afford not to learn something new.

I have wanted to do some form of public speaking (with a twist of course) for a very long time.  I can’t call it motivational or inspirational speaking.  I don’t actually have a name for it so let’s just move on.  Blogging sparked my desire and created the platform for me to begin sharing my views with others.  I cannot ignore the nagging feeling that this is what I am supposed to be doing.

So what do I want to speak about?  I want to have discussions with others on topics that feature in my blogs, subjects that are usually taboo for whatever reason, issues that are guaranteed to hit a nerve , without it the debate could not begin.

Let me start by giving you some background on how this has become a dream of mine.

So my husband and I are best described as polar opposites when it comes to discussions like religion, politics, sex, etc.  What I mean by this is he prefers these conversations to happen between people he trusts and is comfortable with, whereas I will engage in conversation with anyone who wants to debate/discuss things.  We also view Christianity from totally different perspectives.  Our moral compasses point North for both of us, but in the opposite direction. What we do have in common is our love of debating.

We can sit for hours and discuss controversial topics, debate our views and just talk and talk …and then sometimes it becomes less talk more argument, where we teeter very close to what may seem to someone else as a good enough reason to call 10111, but it never goes that far.  These conversations happen at the most random times, they aren’t planned discussions.  They can’t be or the spontaneity and passion just isn’t there.  I laughed a little as I typed ‘not planned’, being CDO (OCD is the correct term but its not alphabetically correct :P) I. Plan. Everything. But I digress.

Sometimes we get so engrossed in the conversation,  we won’t always remember things that were discussed a few hours before, so  if we need to refer back to something from earlier on or clear up a misunderstanding (or I just have to prove that I am always right – jk), I have started taking notes of what we speak about.  I have notes  written in about 3 different books.

I also try to do this during my interactions with others – it isn’t always possible though.  What you may not realise is that in conversation, most of us tend to hear what we THINK the other person is saying and we miss what they are ACTUALLY saying. I know that as soon as I hear something that I either have an opinion on or disagree with my lips start flapping and that is the last that I hear of what was being said.  So instead of interrupting, I am trying to get myself  to shhhhh and note things for when I can speak.  (Note: this is effing hard) but try it.  You will be amazed at how much more attentive you are to what was said.

Now before you never speak to me again in fear that a psychological autopsy gets performed on your every word, this is my way of learning, broadening my knowledge base and being exposed to things that I would not otherwise be exposed to.

Now I need to manage my goal.  I am stuck on where or who to go to for advice on achieving my goal and making my dream reality…. right now I have no clue – it’s frustrating!!!

Opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.  Please comment below or email me on eloquenttash@live.co.za

I live every moment to say
How much I love this day
There are no obstacles in our way
No mountains to climb
Everything that I look at is a blessing
Carrying us to build our very strengths
There’s no accidents there’s only what is
Go on and ask me then who I am

I have come to be the one to stand beside you when the sun decides to bow its head
I’ve come to be your friend
I’ll share with you my secrets til there’s nothing left to hide
And when you feel the darkness I’ll remind you of the light you have inside
This is what our love looks like

There isn’t one part of me
That doesn’t love one part of you
I’ll never knock the things that you do
If I did you would stop my being so rude
I know you will and so…

I have come to be the one to stand beside you when the sun decides to bow its head
I’ve come to be your friend
I’ll share with you my water so your well is never dry
And when you’re feeling empty I’ll remind you of the life you have inside
This is what our love looks like

I let every moment say
How much I love this day
No “buts” about it
It don’t matter if it’s cloudy

I have come to be the one to stand beside you when the sun decides to bow its head
I’ve come to be your friend
I’ll share with you my secrets til there’s nothing left to hide
And when you feel the darkness I’ll remind you of the light you have inside
This is what our love looks like

I’ll be the one to stand beside you should your money run out til its end
I’ll always be your friend
I’ll share with you my water so your well is never dry
And when you’re feeling empty I’ll remind you of the life you have inside
This is what our love looks like

I knew what I wanted to do from about the age of 6 or 7 years old.  It has never faded.  I kept it alive with my vivid imagination and as a child I would pretend it was real and live it. As an adult, I still nurture my dream.  When I  am on my own, my imagination runs wild as I daydream of how it would be if it came true and how it would impact my life.  I refuse to believe it will never happen – in this instance, I will always believe like a child.   As real life continues however, my dream has just moved to the back seat, I keep it within reach.

I think so many dreams are put aside to make way for reality because people see it as a choice they need to make.  Why can’t you have both? Why do people not see that dreams are the foundation for reality?

So every now and then there is that pesky voice that pops up, mostly when you least expect and is just there to make you feel all unsure about things.  No explanation, no warning.  Then leaves you alone to figure out what it is.  I was questioning the goals had I been working towards, the dream life I had been living, because after reading this poem, I realised they weren’t mine.

This poem got me to take a good hard look at my life where I had re-establish  and confirm what it was that I wanted from my life.  Was I growing?  Was my life still moving in the direction that would eventually see me making my dream reality?  I wasn’t.  I had allowed things to drift a little.  Life is busy with 3 kids and a family to deal with.  Every day life and your dreams are harder to balance when you have children.  Right, so I established that I had taken a detour, now I needed to get back to what was needed for me to grow.

The realisation that I had sub-conscientiously hitched a ride with someone else and adopted their goals and dreams got me wondering if others experienced it too.  Do you even realise that it’s happened?  If you do, do you just continue with it?  If you do, why would you not change direction?  Do you ever actually admit that you are not living life according to your wants, needs and aspirations?  You know you are living a lie!

Another way that dreams and potential are destroyed is when people become parents and the ‘perfect life’ that they dreamed of never ever materialised.  So what happens, they live their dreams through their children at the expense of their child’s own dreams.  ‘Do you know that because I had you, Mommy couldn’t live her dream of being a gymnast, so please do it for me!’ I heard a mother say this to her child.  Sad but true.

I remember while growing up, there were the non negotiable goals that had to be reached to ensure success.  It was taught that in order to be successful, a vital goal was to be accepted into university.  You would then be able to get a good job in a good company and be paid well.

We hardly ever have a reason to question what we learnt from our parents.  I mean come on, they are our parents, they want what is best for us.  They always had the best intentions… right?  right?

Well we have also been taught that the road to hell was paved with good intentions.  Have you ever thought that maybe the goals you have been trying to reach, aren’t actually your own?

I vow to love you. And no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other.

I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.”

– The Vow

I am eternally grateful to have spent the last 10 years with the love of my life. We have had our ups and downs. We went through hell when we separated for 6 months last year. Looking back I can honestly say we are more in love than when we met. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been.

I love you Brian.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,100 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 35 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

I cannot hate him.  God knows I have tried.  Instead, I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him for the strength he has shown in deciding to do the most difficult thing for a husband and father to do.

The truth is I am not the easiest person to be friends with, let alone be married to and to live each day with.  I am hard, self-centered and obstinate.  I am also selfish and unwilling to change for someone else.  I realise this is what drove him to the decision he had no choice in making.  Sad sad realization from my side. Life gave me a kick up the ass due to my obstinate streak.

Was it worth it for me to always get my way?  Was it worth hurting an amazing man to do what I wanted?  Was it worth losing him?  No…

But guess what?  I get to change it.  Will it bring him back?  I don’t know.  Will we be able to come out better friends because of this?  Yes.

I can learn from this.  I can grow.  More importantly I get to take a step back and support him in his decision.  I have told him this much.  It may seem a bit weird, but this goes beyond supporting the father of my children.  It’s about supporting the man I loved, the man I still love after 10 years.

I am positive that this is going to be the most difficult thing to do in my life, but I know what I am meant to do in this situation.  It is clear to me.  I love the fact that I know what I need to do and that it will be a challenge and that I am ready for it.

Life – I am kicking you back!!!