tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75537844993389727792025-11-23T21:29:00.231-05:00Elton Says ThingsAn epic story about a man...and his blog.Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.comBlogger171125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-36451540968617600942016-11-30T22:48:00.002-05:002016-12-01T08:15:43.296-05:00Who To Blame For Donald Trump
We've been too kind, we...of sound minds and bodies. The water of degradation made to roll off our backs, while brainless, mouth breathing fools spout bullshit about "freedom", "immigration", "gun rights" and "big government" while using phrases pumped into and preached to them by money grubbing tubs of shit and witless women.
We figure, it's best to not bolster the situation. Let it settle Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-34561752521369976292016-04-11T15:50:00.002-04:002016-04-11T15:52:58.343-04:00Donald Trump For President? or "How An Idiot Got This Far And Why We Should Stop Him"
Lately I've been trying to put a novel together. It's supposed to be a funny, controversial religious story that mentions penises way more than any book rightfully should. It just seems like a story that was begging to be told. So far, it's going semi-well. There are times when I'm overwhelmed, want to peel my face off and drink my own piss than writeElton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-29771428598049402016-01-21T09:35:00.003-05:002016-01-22T07:54:35.521-05:00My Some What Life Without Facebook
Alright, so I've been busy. I've been procrastinating a good deal and have been dealing with "issues" (most of which I've had for the better part of a lifetime). Plus, I've been writing-ish...a book. It's about dying in a comic fashion, not getting into Heaven, then, breaking into Heaven with the help of lesbians...and masturbation. I know what you're thinking...
Best seller, Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-84798445984737322792015-09-06T15:42:00.001-04:002015-09-06T16:05:05.297-04:00Technology They Think We Need, But Are Actually F^cking Stupid
Recently, I've noticed a trend of uselessness in products. There have always been useless "gadgets" and bullshit no one has needed, of course. Usually, time and demand sort out what works and what doesn't--what's needed and what's not. You would think that companies and people that build things would look back and compare their offerings to those that have failed in pastElton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-1110140756291884542015-08-26T11:52:00.000-04:002015-09-06T14:09:04.793-04:00Why There Will Never Be A Good Fantastic Four Movie
Recently, the people in charge of movies decided to make another Fantastic Four movie. Unfortunately, it fucking sucks. It has, according to those in charge of criticizing movies, failed. They're trying to blame it's suck assedness on everything from the crew not getting along to black Human Torch which is not the problem at all. The real problem is the material. You can't Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-48074024173734635382014-12-26T18:37:00.001-05:002014-12-26T18:37:53.054-05:00The Bullshit Of Christmas ~ Vol. 2 ~ The Aftermath
Having survived the Mayan apocalypse, Hale-Bopp and a slew of Kid's Choice Awards, I know a thing or two about aftermaths. For one, there are no spontaneous orgies. Believe me, I've tried. Two; you don't win at "finder's keepers" when one of you brings a loaded shot gun and three, everything is...and will be completely fucked up. Everything.
That's why it's called "Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-38657794790869779272014-11-27T13:44:00.002-05:002014-11-27T14:55:44.333-05:00Why Stopping The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (#stoptheparade) Ultimately Failed.
Today is Thanksgiving. A yearly excuse to over eat and loaf around watching athletic people bump into each other in search of a football. It's also the day that Macy's holds it's annual celebration of balloons too big to be tamed and lip syncing, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Normally, this kind of thing goes off without a hitch. Well, with the exception of a few Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-30796372668880400402014-08-30T04:39:00.002-04:002014-08-30T04:39:58.625-04:00The NSA Is Too Stupid To Love You, I'm Afraid
Yesterday, during a depression fueled drinking binge, I was going through my back pages of things left unfinished, as so often is in my life. Tears blurring my vision, while murmuring something about death's sweet release, I came across this; something I should have posted long ago. It's an uproariously stupid rant thing about the NSA eyeing up our phone records. Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-3636176185656888032014-08-16T23:10:00.001-04:002014-08-16T23:11:14.497-04:005 Ways The Dead Are Cooler Than The Living
There's a lot to be said about dead people; they don't argue or retaliate when their are valuables taken. They also know when to shut the fuck up and can always...ALWAYS be sold off fairly quickly. In fact, you could say that dead people are some of the kindest, most inadvertently useful and generous people on the planet. Hell, they even fertilize plants in their Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-90416366887203366072014-08-13T04:45:00.001-04:002014-08-13T04:47:12.253-04:00The Robin Williams Party We Never Threw {Pt. 1}
A lot of people are posting about Robin Williams today. There are a genuine souls who wish to say something about the guy and what he meant to them, things he did or even how they met him, some who wish to examine or explain why Robin Williams, noted whatever would do such a thing. Then, there are a lot who want to cash in on the wake a celebrity death leaves behind.
Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-22337199399654303382014-08-13T04:45:00.000-04:002014-08-13T04:47:48.660-04:00The Robin Williams Party We Never Threw {Pt. 2}
I'm a depressed person. Clinically so. I used to see a therapist about it, until I couldn't afford it anymore, but, alas, I got a diagnoses out of the deal, so, money well spent, I could say.
However, to try to explain or say that one thing can cure it over another is beyond me and I won't belittle anyone's strife by saying I know a sure fire way to kick it. Partly, becauseElton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-81279708180663148022014-08-04T14:27:00.000-04:002014-08-04T14:27:03.647-04:005 Public Bathroom Practices That Make Me Think I'm Not Human
When I seriously doubt I'm human it usually stems from misunderstanding common phrases like "I have lupus." and "Give me a pearl necklace." Often I move among people with a dazed kind of "What the hell is wrong with all of this?!" look on my face and avoiding skin on skin contact. My relationship with my fellow human beings is an awkward one at best.
ItElton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-90887769947999580982014-02-20T13:22:00.001-05:002014-02-20T13:22:16.450-05:00I Won't Survive The Next Pandemic
I try to keep things real. I, of course, mean that in the least "hip hop" way imaginable. I try to keep as closely tethered to reality or what I think is reality as often as possible. Two big reasons for doing so, is that one; one day, I may not have a choice BUT to be crazy (fucking age related dementia) and two; I've been doing this reality for so long, it's kinda hard to Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-17571482213399478412014-01-23T07:23:00.001-05:002014-01-23T07:23:21.923-05:00Horrifically Aborted: Breaking Bad, Paul Walker and Duck Dynasty
Sometimes, I get climb aboard the internet, take the reins and ride the bumpy road to comedic orgasm all over this filthy blog...and falter. It's not because I don't want to write...it's just a crisis of ego. I think my ideas suck a sweaty nut sack filled with suck ass ideas about sweaty nut sacks. Want to see?
MY SUPER AWESOME
BREAKING BAD
POST!
Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-67425127326051121742013-10-31T08:24:00.001-04:002014-08-18T10:20:58.502-04:002 Halloween Crimes The Police Should Settle
Living in this day and age, when technology, efficiency and greed has robbed us our ability to work for things, we as a people, love a good bargain. Especially a holiday built around giving! No, not Christmas, you Santaist. I'm talking about the Satanic holiday, Satanist! REJOICE, IT'S HALLOWEEN!
Vampire teeth, the worse thing to happen to
blow jobs since Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-32971004592359209922013-09-04T08:13:00.001-04:002013-09-04T08:13:37.048-04:00The Learning Channel Humps The South with Mind Reading Trailer Park Denizens.
Television has taught me a lot over the years. Everything from what makes for the best date rape drug, how punching is always a valid way to resolving conflict or how to bully overly mouthy puppets has come from my undying devotion to mother television.
It's been beneficial in some ways. It's soothing glow bestowing wisdom and unmitigated truth like Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-66791049343251964252013-07-24T07:57:00.000-04:002013-07-24T07:57:03.116-04:00Cavemen and Movies Help You Hate Strangers!
I'm an abrasive person...I think...I don't know. When referring to peoples unknown, I call them "fuck face" or something equivalent, it's not to be mean. Really.
Well, for instance, when I see two strangers walking, conversing, fondling each other...whatever, and I want to call attention to one of them, I'll say, "Hey, look at that "fuck face" over Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-15872420176252265932013-07-10T03:38:00.001-04:002013-07-10T03:38:33.377-04:00Getting Back On The Horse...In A Non-Sexual Way
Naturally, deep in my heart, I'm a procrastinator. I've probably said that at least ten times...or hundred times, it doesn't matter. I am. Though, this time, it's not entirely my fault or at least I will try and convince you it's not.
I've been working out!
Certainly not my results and certainly not me...
though our breasts are comparable.
Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-13653243415748188882013-05-29T05:25:00.003-04:002013-05-29T08:27:57.415-04:00How Much Are YOU Worth To The Internet?
The grand ol' question, asked by any self important, narcissistic, stupid person, since the beginning of time: "What am I really worth to people?". This being the Internet and the home of, not only memes, but, narcissism, you can find out exactly how much you're worth! It turns out...not a lot actually.
Account-Market.Com
Told Me My Twitter Account...is Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-7692454450878797072013-05-09T05:56:00.000-04:002013-05-09T05:57:46.567-04:004 Stupid Things The Internet Has To Stop Saying...Right NOW!
Certain things must end: seasons, species, procedures that begin with "Bend over and relax, you may feel a...slight discomfort.". That isn't to say that some of that stuff isn't necessary. I would love for the "getting my ass fingered by a doctor" thing to disappear but, it allows me to keep blindly disregarding my prostate for few years. As for species ending, some of them Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-10489279243515651682013-05-01T02:53:00.001-04:002013-05-01T02:53:12.586-04:003 Weird Ways The Internet Taught Me To Reduce Stress
Unfortunately, my life fucking sucks at the moment. I can't seem to get ahead in anything. My blog is lagging like a freshly bombed marathon runner, I have no plausible career outside of begging for change and I have almost instant b.o...right out of the shower. Life has definitely taken a down turn.
This, coupled with all the fucking stress, I'd Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-41722478597173702912013-04-02T00:49:00.000-04:002013-04-02T00:49:05.246-04:00The Big Fat Internet Insanity Club...For God
So, recently, I've taken to writing on a site called HubPages. Basically, it's a content site that pays you a portion of ad revenue generated by whatever shit you happen to write about. There are tons of sites like these and surprisingly, not all of them are hundreds of articles about "getting rich quick" or "how to pirate porno" or "how to get rich making porno about Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-44716900667415316652013-03-19T01:07:00.001-04:002013-03-19T01:37:20.469-04:00The Elton Says Things: Almost Advertising Road Show Pt. 4
Trying to put the "this guy means sex" thought to rest was difficult, especially when he asked me to follow him to the back of the depot. "It's not for sex!", he repeatedly assured. With growing trepidation, I shuffled behind him, while still keeping my distance. The grass, brown and dead crunched beneath my feet. He lead me toward a dented, rust spotted dumpster that lookedElton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-39498320336639471562013-02-11T11:15:00.000-05:002013-02-11T11:25:00.621-05:00The Elton Says Things: Almost Advertising Road Show Pt. 3
If you're just tuning in...you can start this from the beginning by clicking here.
Defeated, I left the bus station to linger outside, wallowing in a hopeless, depressed state. Maybe someone would feel sorry for me and toss a quarter at me. Hard. Probably not. Only winners got quarters thrown at them. Losers had to contend with sobbing openly, while Elton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7553784499338972779.post-70041711203420724492013-02-03T02:51:00.000-05:002013-02-03T02:51:32.518-05:00The Elton Says Things: Almost Advertising Road Show Pt. 2
I'll admit, trying to break a record I had no way of breaking was pretty stupid. Still. It was an idea, which was more than I had when I started. Paying for my burger, I thanked Gordon and Earl for their..."inspiration". They, in turn, wished me luck, well, Gordon wished me luck. Earl gave me the finger.
Boom.
The air whipped across my face, likeElton Edgarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09497134261149448661noreply@blogger.com0