Elton Says Things

Triumph of The Ever Expanding Ass

2012-02-29T23:58:00.000-05:00

America is a fat motherfucker...and so am I. A lot of people try to quell my self-disgust by saying, "You look just fine". I, however, am hip to people's modesty. No one calls out someone's fat ass for being...a fat ass. That is, unless the person is on television, the internet or a strange person in a magazine or photo. Then it's on. Yeah, go ahead...say it. ...I'll keep your

Unexpected Benefits of Violent Video Games

2012-02-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

A couple of months before Christmas, when the world was selling it's plasma for the up coming bid for Jesus's affections, my son asked me for a game. Normally, I file such requests under "Fuck no, I'm broke!" but, this time, I decided to hear him out. The game was L.A. Noire, a nifty piece of graphically rendered bloodshed about the seedy underbelly of 1940's L.A., as seen through the eye

Ice Road Fuckers: The Dangerous World of Television

2012-02-24T23:52:00.001-05:00

Having a job is way of life for most of the people on this planet. Sure, we'd love to while away the hours playing skee ball and sipping expensive champagne from the navel of a beautiful woman, but, alas, shit like that isn't free, especially the woman. Hence the need for a job or money making scheme...like dealing drugs. All of which are hard work to some degree suck fucking ass.

The Voice: The Drinking Game

2012-02-22T23:59:00.002-05:00

There really isn't a heterosexual way to say this, but,...I like The Voice. I could try and spin it, saying I just watch it for Christina Aguilera's bomb ass cleavage, but, that would only be partially true. I am actually intrigued with the competition itself. The energy of the competitors, the songs, the fact that everyone involved seems to have cancer are all valid reasons to watch. Yet,

Sometimes I Feel Like, Somebody's Watching Me...

2012-02-20T23:59:00.001-05:00

Paranoia. What a bunch of fucked up shit.What can I say about it that the person, who follows me, while taking pictures, naked...not, not me naked...he's naked....what can I say that he hasn't shouted already? Paranoia, much like that naked guy, seems to be, everywhere. There are security cameras, suspicious activity reporting hot lines and web porn monitoring programs. Everything is

Re-post My Internet Rage!

2012-02-16T23:57:00.003-05:00

I was going to write a nifty post about the joys of Valentine's Day, but, due to the high volume of unprotected sex I was having with farm animals, at gun point, I wasn't able to write one. Oh, those crazy situations I pay to get wrapped up in...oh boy. Besides, a funny English guy did it better than I could anyway. Instead, I wanted to fling a few subtle, tasty words at blind following

How to End Violence...For A While

2012-02-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

We love our violence. Oh, don't feed me that bullshit, you love it and you know it. Everyone loves it! We love the fucking fuck out of it. We, love it so much, we've built our sports, movies and wars out of it. There are even sexual fetishes involving it. Nothing says "I love violence" than getting your ass kicked...for pleasure. Though it's been the source of a lot of friction throughout

Oh, Cruel Internet Blog Shit!

2012-02-07T22:34:00.003-05:00

I find myself firmly lodged in between two worlds, the tech-savvy world of coding, it's related shit and the "what the fucking fuck is going on?!" world. Once in a while this notion comes around again, slapping me full force on the face, like so many short changed hookers have done in the past. It's a hopeless kind of feeling. I would cry about it, but, I only cry for skinned knees, the

4 Things to Do Besides Watch The Fucking Super Bowl

2012-02-03T16:16:00.001-05:00

It's that time of year again, folks! The glorious time, when we shed our misgivings of others and openly binge drink while embracing and celebrating, the horrific culmination of the world's greatest pseudo violent sport! SOCC--no, football. No, not futbol...just plain, testosterone fueled, steroid enhanced, cholesterol lovin' American football. More specifically...the Super Bowl. or

The State of The Union's Bizarre Sweetness

2012-01-25T23:13:00.001-05:00

Anyone that missed the 2012 State of The Union address, missed an action packed roller coaster speech of thrills, chills and blind rage. There were times during the fast paced, edge of your seat, craziness that I lost my breath...due to sheer perverse excitement. I'm gonna own this shit, bitches. The wistful, yet, terrifiying way President Obama pistol whipped random

4 Things Comedians Taught Me...that I fucking ignored.

2012-01-23T21:51:00.000-05:00

I grew up on a steady diet of comedy, grease and sugar compressed into various animal shapes. Fighting the reluctance of my brain, heart and better judgement, I am still on that diet. There were times that I cheated on my horrific food tortures with healthier fair, and shit myself because of it. Comedy has always been a mainstay in my life. I believed it to be pure in it's ability to amuse

Women's "Nice Guy" Double Standard

2012-01-18T23:59:00.001-05:00

This is going to make a lot of people mad. Well, women mostly, so, I'm sorry in advance. There seems to be a double standard floating around, that on the surface is cut and dry. Men are doggish, pussy hounds with little regard for the feelings of others. Meanwhile, women await sheepishly for the "right guy" to happen along, all the while be trashed by shit head men. While the guy

You Tube Cult Insanity

2012-01-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Years ago, during the heady days after the birth of the internet, the world was in turmoil. Catholic school girl porn was over flowing in the streets, pictures of cats were threatening to blot out the sun and people were in desperate need to record themselves getting hit with hammers. It took a couple of years but, greed and capitalism embraced the internet. When it did, like a well worn

Ancient Aliens Are Assholes!

2012-01-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

Fucking aliens, they're always dicking with us. If it isn't taking the menial labor jobs no one wants, it's blowing up the White House and threatening Will Smith's life. If that...wait...not illegal aliens, the brain sucking, different planet, kind of aliens, not the guys currently seeking employment outside the Home Depot. I confused myself for a moment. The girl selling oranges by the

Things That Will Definitely Happen This Year

2012-01-06T00:00:00.003-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the new year is upon us. We've waited...well, all year for this. Okay, that's a stretch, some of us have. A lot of us don't give a shit what year it is, still others don't know what year it is and there are other still, who haven't stopped drinking since last new years. Regardless, it's here again, planting it's fat, drunken baby ass on our faces...and sharting.

Kim Jong Un - Harbinger of Tha Boom!

2012-01-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

The world is on the cusp of nuclear holocaust and economic insolvency. Yet, we still find time to look at the lighter side of horrific situations. Though, it's solely out of exploitation, what the hell. Kim Jong Il is a slow rotting corpse and with his passing, the world got a little bit saner. Well, for the time being anyway, his son is taking over for the "dead Dear Leader". It looks as

Gift Giving And How It's All Fucked.

2011-12-24T17:54:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking lately, mostly due to it being Christmastime...ish, about the event of Christmas. More importantly, the nativity scene and what it all means. A lot of folks tend to acknowledge the giving of gifts to a baby god child. That scene has been recounted every year a thousand and one times. Everyone knows it, well, presumably so, but, regardless, it's easy to look up. We have

Aliens Exist...So, Eat It.

2011-12-18T03:20:00.000-05:00

Drifting between a conscience thought process and blissful sleep, a subject sure to enrage a plethora of people to the point of obscene gestures, came to me. Before my forehead hit the keyboard and caused me to swear at everything from the ceiling to my own socks, I made sure to remember it. It took only an instant as I used a tried and true method of memorization. Sure enough, it was

Fucking Subjects and The Inglorious Research

2011-12-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

Being a geek is stressful. You have to maintain an inordinate amount of information, about subjects no one but, fellow geeks, give two shits about. It's a retarded burden that is, at times, too much to bear. Why bring this up? Well, I just sat through, an hour and twenty minutes of cinematic eye poison that no one should be subjected to, all in the name of writing an article. Sure, there

Last Minute Christmas Selling...for Assholes.

2011-12-08T15:49:00.001-05:00

Shopping at the last minute. It's a motherfucker. Being without a real working car it's an even bigger bitch. So, in order to combat my consumer isolation, I have decided to shop online. What a cluster fucking nightmare it is to. Blood sucking bastards that have what YOU want but, will charge waaaay too much for the shit because, it's Christmas time. I tell you what, if Jesus was here...

Broken Gold Shitfaced Watches

2011-12-05T07:05:00.001-05:00

Today, I woke up late...by about an hour or more. If I had a job, this would be a problem, but, since lucrative positions in the "do nothing but shit for money" career field are all filled, I'm free to dick off. Still, I try to get up to wake the two oldest children in time to catch the bus. This didn't happen today and only one made it. What lead to this disaster? I'd like to actually

New York: Future Home of Elton

2011-12-01T16:50:00.001-05:00

New York City is a magical place. It's the "melting pot of the world", which confused me for a while as a kid. I remember thinking there was a huge vat of boiling people, that they forced immigrants into. I wasn't right. Still, that's one of the first monikers for New York that pops into my head. Such a diverse group of people, living and thriving together in one massive collection of

Easy Money, If You Don't Mind Crying

2011-11-28T19:56:00.001-05:00

Writing articles is a pain in the dick. Seriously, it's a sharp, lightning bolt of piercing pain...right in the dick. Well, maybe it's just for me. The dick pain, anyway, see. I have been itching to write an article for Cracked.com. A tiny bit for the notoriety of it, mostly because they pay you. Who doesn't like getting paid for typing shit right? The hard thing about writing for Cracked

Sweet Post Apocalyptic Black Friday!

2011-11-26T18:30:00.001-05:00

Greetings from the dead, hollowed out carcass of post-Thanksgiving. I am bloated and internally destroyed by the over enjoyment of roasted bird meat and death harbinging liquor. While I waddle around, half dazed, surveying the carnage that Thanksgiving hath wrought, I smile, awkwardly. Okay, I fart, a god damned lot, then, I smile, awkwardly. It's a long drawn out almost liquidish fart--

All Hail Thanksgiving!

2011-11-23T18:25:00.001-05:00

The holiday of bloating is here. The bane of an anorexic's existence is upon us...in celebratory form! Today is Thanksgiving, the greatest of all "get fucking fat" holidays. The other, of course, is Valentine's Day, when the lonely eat instead of love. On this momentous occasion, I thought I would elaborate on the many reasons Thanksgiving rules all of holidayismdom with an unforgiving