Abstruse Musing

2020 vision

2020-10-04T04:20:00.000+11:00

Here I am again, it has been 3 years since I last posted here. We all had so many hopes for 2020, but it has been disaster after disaster everywhere for countless people. I wonder what the world will be like when I frequent this personal place again. I hope we are all at a better place. Whilst the pandemic has been challenging, I have thought a lot over the past 6+ months working at home (I've lost track of time).

I am resilient. But I think you can only be resilient for so long, it is a constant state of flux and you cannot be expected to be resilient for sustained period of time. I keep pushing myself to do more, be more and seek more. And so I'm here to admit that I'm not okay, but I will work on getting back on track. I am burnt out in both an emotional and professional capacity. I am at a crossroad.

I may be facing a personal loss soon. I don't know if I have the capacity to try do anything about this, I want to but I don't know if I have the ability to fight if this is a losing battle. The thought is crippling me. I realise how melodramatic this sounds... I always believed we all have someone out there for us. What if we don't make it past this issue? Perhaps I need to accept the painful truth that I need to let you go. That instills a sense of fear in me.

I used to write in this blog when I was a naive student, I recall writing about the grey people who marched off the trains to their workplaces. It never occurred to me at all that I would become one of those unhappy people who wished they were elsewhere. It is a little ironic now that I think about this at 3:54AM. I wish I could've told myself to live boldly and courageously when I was younger.

It is now October and there is not much left of the year. I remain hopeful that we will eventually see a resolution to this pandemic in the future, I'm not sure how long that will take. What will the world be like? Life as we know it has irrevocably changed as a result of this pandemic. I hope by then, I do not carry these feelings of doubt and fear. I hope I am able to live boldly and courageously. Until next time (to anyone still out there)...

Lust for life

2017-10-15T22:59:00.000+11:00

I was told I needed surgery in a few days, it was a surprise to me. The anaesthetist saw me and commented, "I wasn't expecting someone so young." I was upset by the time I got to the operating theatre, I was administered more relaxant whilst everyone present reassured me that I would be fine. I was sedated and aware of my surroundings, I heard the doctors commenting but I couldn't see what was happening (thankfully). It felt alien - I was an observer, a passenger and not quite present in the moment.

Thanks to the experience of the operating team and advancements in modern medicine, I'm on the steady road to recovery. The last three weeks of my life seemed like a dream, still not quite present in the moment. I've reflected on my life, relationships, career and my hopes for the future. I still want to achieve more.

The notion of happiness will always be a constant struggle of achieving some semblance of status quo. Happiness is an equilibrium, fleeting and not infinite. That is a hard fact of life, how can we appreciate life if we have never experienced any hardships?

I will leave one transient thought with you until the next time.

Honour the past, but remember that the future lies ahead.

Fast forward to 2017

2017-05-24T23:52:00.000+10:00

Tonight I found myself pondering about the pieces of myself from the past. That one thought has led me back here, a very personal outlet that I haven't frequented since 2012. The world as I know it now is vastly different from my last entry from almost 4.5 years ago. I wonder if my thoughts from all these years is still being read by someone or if someone related to my feelings at the time.

Fast forward 4.5 years later and I am immersed in the corporate world. I've experienced change, found my other half, aggressively pursued my career goals and learned the hard way that work-life balance is important. To me, this blog holds a special place because everything I have experienced from the first entry has made me more resilient.

picking up where I left things

2012-11-21T19:10:00.000+11:00

I haven't really relaxed much since exams ended, I took today off to just take my mind off the exam results. I truly am a worry wart. I did a little bit of christmas shopping today, seems I've got my secret santa present sorted out. After a long day of walking around and carrying my shopping around, I find myself at home and in front of my macbook.

I registered another domain name within five minutes of sitting in my seat. I didn't like the first domain name I registered, my sister thought it sounded rather childish. I think this new one is a little childish too, but I do like the Doctor Who reference. I've been weighing up between Aperture or Lightroom 4, I think the latter has won. I'll get started on this when the DNS hosting comes online in a day or two.

Before editing

After Lightroom

curiouser and curiouser

2012-11-11T23:22:00.002+11:00

I have my exams this week so I probably won't update for at least a week from now. Hopefully things go well, I've got my fingers crossed. I just purchased a 12-50mm lens and Hoya UV filter today, I'm looking forward to taking some still life photos. I foresee a trip to Katoomba in the near future. I had an interesting conversation with a photographer today, I'm inspired and compelled to continue this hobby.

Little Cosmo is finally seven and a half months old, my sister and I plan on taking him to the vet in a few weeks for a DNA test. We think Cosmo is a boy, but we can't be sure. For now, I'll refer to Cosmo as he. We named him after Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld, I believe it is a befitting name. He loves going into my other bird's cage unannounced, eats all the food and does whatever he pleases.

life lines

2012-11-05T10:36:00.000+11:00

I haven't really been out and about taking photos lately. I'm essentially learning as I go and I still have a great deal to learn. I showed my sister these photos and she was surprised when I told her they were taken in the backyard. It's interesting how photography can challenge your perception and allow you to see things from a different perspective.

Image credit: impossibleastronaut

halloween x día de los muertos

2012-11-04T11:35:00.000+11:00

The other day I changed my mind about what costume I was going to wear to a Halloween gathering. I got a little creative... I didn't have any white face paint so I just put on foundation and a lot of concealer. I didn't have any black face paint either so I just substituted it with gel eyeliner. I rather enjoyed explaining to people what my costume was, although I didn't enjoy removing all that sugar skull makeup.

I hope you all had an enjoyable Halloween.

snippets of my life

2012-10-29T14:03:00.001+11:00

Within the last week, I've thought more about myself and the changes that have taken place. I guess one thing hasn't changed about me, I always need to be right. I still don't have a distinct path I want to undertake in my life. All I anticipate on in the near future is graduating and moving abroad for a few years. I'm enjoying going to work but I don't plan to stay there for long. I have to start thinking of ways to secure myself a job related to my field of studies.

Enjoyed cheese naan and a selection of curry with friends.

My little spoilt eight year old child, Noddy.

eclectic thoughts and experiences

2012-10-21T20:56:00.000+11:00

I've spent my last few days indulging in too much charcoal chicken and an assortment of desserts. So much for going on a diet. I keep saying I'll start jogging, yet my new sneakers just keep collecting dust. I've been pondering what to save up for and a holiday to Antarctica seems rather tempting, I've always dreamt of going there ever since I was a child. I suppose I like to chase after the unconventional.

Hope you have a sweet week ahead!

Image credit: impossibleastronaut

ENTJ

2012-10-17T21:04:00.000+11:00

I've really got to get working on that website I was supposed to be putting together. I sort of gave up after I failed to get my domain completely online, I hope to get it all pieced together after exams. I wanted another medium to share a few photos and recipes. For now, I've just been uploading the odd photo here and there on Flickr and Instagram.

I've recently started a new job and I'm really happy to be there. The workplace culture is positive, everyone is very friendly and willing to help me out. I suppose I've always hated previous places I've been employed at because of the lack of positive workplace culture. I'm going to have to learn how to save my money, I really want to get an Olympus OM-D E-M5 for myself this Christmas.

Sometimes I regret the time I've spent studying science, the content was interesting and I made some really good friends. But at the same time, I had no idea which direction I wanted to steer my life towards. I couldn't see myself sitting in a lab with a 9-5 job until I retire. I didn't want to wake up at middle age and realise that I'm following the wrong career path. Now I'm content because I'm finally pursuing what I want in my life.

Image credit: impossibleastronaut

two sided coin

2012-10-06T22:57:00.000+10:00

I can hear the rain slowly falling upon the roof and the trickle of rainwater down the roof gutter. I felt a burning sensation from the antiseptic explode around my grazed knee. I have learned an important lesson, do not cross the road whilst you are tremendously drowsy. Thankfully there were no cars on the road, I picked up my belongings and limped home. It was just a bad week for me.

I've secured myself a job over the holiday and I rather look forward to it. I plan to enter the Canon Photo5 competition, I just haven't had much inspiration the last few days. I don't anticipate on winning but it certainly seems appealing. The competition seems like a great way to challenge one's perception, to be creative, to take something ordinary and turn it into something extraordinary.

I tend to erupt in sheer contempt when someone taunts me, I've learned to conceal that now. I find myself avoiding certain people and situations because I know I can't hold my tongue any more. Some say this new part of me means trouble, whilst others contend it is worth commending. I have yet to decide which it is, perhaps it is both. I need to focus on myself before others.

Image credit: impossibleastronaut

life is predictable, do something unconventional

2012-09-29T23:23:00.000+10:00

One of my many problems is that I tend to hold onto things. I'm sentimental and I don't like to throw things out, I still have old Christmas cards from when I was in primary school. The thing which bothers me most is my adeptness in remembering things, it takes me a long time to get over things. Within the last few days, I've grown increasingly annoyed at a friend. For the sake of this post, I shall refer to this individual as G.

I'm the kind of person that becomes bored and indifferent whenever I am faced with repetition. G has harped on about developing feelings for someone and hoped for their relations to blossom. At first I thought it was merely two interested parties dancing about social norms. But it could be suffice to say that those feelings were partly unrequited for. G was infatuated with this person and towards the end, I grew so tiresome of hearing about those fruitless tales.

I felt as though we were wasting our time trying to console G because all our words simply fell upon deaf ears. What annoyed me most was that G saw me and my friend as a backup plan when the individual could not meet up with them. I'm still agitated by that. I've spared G further grief by saying nothing, "of course I'm not annoyed." I don't know when I'll completely let this mishap go, maybe I'll always remember it.

Marriage or children are not of utmost priority to me personally. They may be what some people want, but I don't feel it is for me. The only people who understand this are my two high school friends, they share my views. I'd rather people respect my decision and don't imply that my future would be better if I adopted their set of life principles. Sorry but I'm not shortchanging myself, I'm not settling for something I don't desire.

Image credit: impossibleastronaut

the white camellia

2012-09-27T00:47:00.000+10:00

I was told by a lecturer that a certain essay I wrote was not personal enough, I do struggle with writing in first person. The only chance I ever have of writing in first person, is essentially here. Maybe I'm just so accustomed to writing in third person, I prefer to stay away from anything personal. My apologies for the tardiness of this update, I still cannot manage my time efficiently.

Since taking this HR subject, Helen, has inspired me through her teaching. I feel it would be a shame if she leaves her post after this mid semester break. The original lecturer is returning and I do dread that. I still recall taking Helen's class some semesters ago, I never missed a class. She has a wealth of experience and knowledge. I've pondered excessively over something she shared in class, 'know thyself'. Now I know what I want.

I suppose the real question is... Have I changed? Is it for better or for worse? I don't have a discrete answer. Every coin has two sides, it just depends on one's perspective. I'd like to think I'm taking tiny steps towards becoming a different person. I still dream of leaving the familiar, I don't think that dream will ever waver. I will work towards making gradual progress towards that goal.

P.S. I've taken a liking to this new photography hobby, please visit my Flickr page (as listed below).

Image credit: impossibleastronaut

birds of a feather flock together

2012-08-23T20:49:00.001+10:00

Last weekend, a group of us went for a day trip down to Jervis Bay. We hired a mini bus, my best friend drove us there and back. She wore a rather humorous hat whilst driving at first, the hat read 'absolutely fabulous'. Indeed the hat was correct! I'd say that was a much needed trip, I've been feeling rather stressed the last few weeks.

The drive there was a little longer than I'm accustomed to, I've never been one to sit in a car for over an hour and a half. I ended up talking for the bulk of the trip to a close friend of mine, I'll blame my overly-bubbly mood on my increased uptake of caffeine and sugar (I've experienced that today as well, oh dear). I tested out my camera whilst the bus was moving and I'm quite surprised how well it handles image stabilisation.

Huskisson seemed like a nice quaint little town, its very serene and I particularly liked the cinema. Its situated at the quieter end of the town, right next to some residential homes. I saw some people queued up outside earlier and I wondered what movie was showing. I wish I could've taken more pictures but I'm still not accustomed to snapping away excessively in public on a camera. We had lunch in town and took in the sights by the sea.

Following lunch, a friend suggested we go to a beach she had been to the last time she was in town. Theres nothing quite like the the lingering scent of salt in the air, the sand between your toes and just being in the company of good friends. We were greeted by an elderly Border Collie and played a bit of catch with it. And so a lovely day concluded with gelato at a strangely named store and an eventful three hour drive.

think today, live tomorrow

2012-08-13T12:25:00.000+10:00

I'm currently at university and rather bored. I arrived on campus then realised class wasn't for another two hours. As I was ran past all the pedestrians with vacant expressions, I saw a van with an inspirational message. That van was the reason behind the title in this post, I pondered upon that expression and thought I would share it.

I'm rather looking forward to the weekend, I'll be going to Jervis Bay with a group of friends. We'll be hiring a mini us and driving down there. I hope the weather will be nice, I'm ready to be a tourist and snap plenty of pictures. It's only Monday and I'm already pondering about the weekend. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

know thyself

2012-08-11T12:46:00.000+10:00

I was really happy to see my old lecturer from HR/IR strategy, Helen is teaching another subject I'm taking this semester. I aspire to be like her, she's so knowledgeable and I wish I could be like her some day. She told us to follow our dreams and to be prepared to change if the dream doesn't suit you any more. I wish I had heard that advice much sooner.

Last night I went to the Biennale exhibition at Walsh Bay, my companion and I arrived rather early. We were hoping to beat the queue since there was a free nail art event, it rained throughout the afternoon so the queue was almost non existent. I did manage to take a few pictures as the sun was setting, that made the wait a little more tolerable.

The exhibition was interesting and I wondered what it would've looked like in the daytime. It was a great experience, I intend to upload more pictures from last night after I've gone through them and edited a few. We sipped on cider and got our nails done. There were two pop-up bars and a DJ, so we sipped on wine and danced the night away. How else would I burn off the calories from the cakes I ate beforehand?

I do plan on returning to Cockatoo Island with a friend of mine. She enjoys photography and I wouldn't feel bad about running around taking pictures. I got an Olympus E-PM1 the other day, I'm quite eager to keep taking pictures and learning to use the manual settings. As for the aforementioned new domain, I haven't really revisited it after meeting with some technical difficulties. I suppose it would be appropriate to say, "good things come to those who wait".

island exploring

2012-07-29T13:11:00.000+10:00

I went to the biennale with a good friend of mine, we haven't seen each other in a while so it was a good catch up. Despite the uncooperative cold and cloudy weather, we forged ahead and hopped on the ferry to Cockatoo Island. I find myself at ease when I look at the dedication these artists invest in their artwork. So here are a select few of my favourites from the island.

nothing ventured, nothing gained

2012-07-24T00:49:00.000+10:00

Several months ago, a friend shared a story she had heard about a coworker. I thought the story was inspirational and I hope you also find it to be so. There once was a young man who undertook studies at university, he tried to do well but failed time and time again. He was excluded from his studies, so he went to college and successfully completed his course.

Once again, he failed in university and was excluded. Instead he travelled, worked and gained more life experiences. When he returned back to university, he smoothly finished his degree. The trial was not quite over, he worked tirelessly over the span of many years and climbed up the corporate ladder. Today he is an executive of a law firm.

When met with failure and obstacles, you must persevere. What you choose to do now, will sow the seeds of your future. If I faced his trials, I'm not sure if I could summon the courage to continue forging ahead. I do admire the moral behind the story, hard work does reap results. I'll end this with a few pictures from the biennale in Sydney. I'll be posting more in the coming days.

acting on words

2012-07-11T01:41:00.000+10:00

I wanted to post an update but I haven't had the chance to since my SD card reader wasn't working. So I figured I'd post a few pictures from my recent trip to Canberra. I suppose a post about the biennale in Sydney will have to wait a few more days. Despite the holiday having already commenced, I have yet to pick up those hobbies I wrote about previously. I need to get started on them soon.

Following the recent visits to Canberra, I have ascertained one decision. I believe it was the correct decision to not have moved to Canberra, I don't think I would've settled in very well in the area. It is a lovely place but it is too quiet for my liking. I doubt I could get used to such a quiet existence every single day. Perhaps I have grown too accustomed to the life here in Sydney.

I have to admit the views en route were amazing, it is of some comfort to get away from the concrete jungle and the suburbia. We stopped at a paddock along the way and saw some beautiful horses. Much to my surprise, the white one pictured above, actually let me pat it's head. Within the last week, I've begun to start worrying about the bigger picture again. There is still uncertainty beyond the horizon, but that is life after all.

I met two very inspirational people and I've continued to think of them in the last few days. One of them is a savant artist, Ping Lian, and his mother Sarah. I was moved by how dedicated Sarah was in helping her autistic son realise his true potential. Ping Lian's art was captivating, I didn't want to look away. After speaking to his mother, I've really taken the conversation to heart. I hope this little segment inspires everyone to appreciate what they have and to make necessary steps to achieving their goals.

"It does not matter who you are now. It is who you want to become and who you become that matters. Make decisions and take action now"

new medicine

2012-07-02T23:48:00.001+10:00

Exams have finally come to an end and I'm enjoying a few quiet moments to myself tonight. The semester break isn't going to be particularly special, I just get the time to fulfil a few hobbies I would otherwise not have had time for during the semester. So now I can say hello to finishing some craft projects, cooking and indulging in some video games.

With the weight of exams off my shoulders, I really feel as though I can appreciate the finer things in life. I never take notice of my surroundings when I'm on my way to the train station, I usually power walk or run to the station. Today I admired the clear blue sky, walked at a slow pace, noticed how the scattered leaves seemed to resemble golden and bronze medallions.

Looking forward to seeing more of this tomorrow.

I was talking to a friend of mine from university, she's having a baby boy in a few days. I'm truly happy for her and her husband, soon they'll welcome Ali into their family. I went shopping for a gift for Ali, I can't wait to meet him. Tomorrow I'll be going for another drive down to Canberra with my best friend, I'm looking forward to snapping a few pictures en route. Hopefully I'll be able to post up a small selection of pictures once I've developed the film.

lapsed memories

2012-06-20T22:04:00.000+10:00

A essential part of growing up is realising that you don't have to see your friends each and every passing day. This is something I've learned to gradually accept as I made the transition from secondary school to tertiary studies. I don't expect everyone to see eye to eye with me on this. When you don't see someone everyday, you have so much to reminisce about and a steady flow of updates to unload.

The previous post was just about something I'd be itching to write about, I had only just found the motivation to gather my thoughts. But I suppose from actually writing that post, I felt that I could accept and understand how our responsibilities have altered over time. I don't know how long some of you have been following my blog, but I'd periodically make references to a dear friend of mine.

My friend, H, has the tendency to disappear due to her circumstances and responsibilities. Over the last six years, I've become quite well accustomed to her disappearances and sudden reappearances. I contacted her brother today and I was relieved that I got a response. H is still as responsible as ever and it seems your family is a complete unit again. H is one of the few selfless people that I know of, everyone's needs and wants are put before your own.

That is certainly not something easy to do, even I am not capable of doing so. Perhaps I simply overly empathise with you, after all we both had many obstacles to overcome. I'm grateful that H was there for me during my darker times. I know H prefers to shoulder everything in silence, I hope one day you'll know that we are all thinking of you. Now back to studying for my exam, ten more hours to go.

the balancing act

2012-06-19T00:04:00.000+10:00

I must get around to making pannacotta again!

One of the few difficulties I've come to realise is that time is often very difficult to devise. As we age, we become increasingly aware of the responsibilities we have to bear and the consequences of our actions. And as a result, we must learn to maintain our obligations and social activities at equilibrium. I've found this to be a particularly difficult task to juggle and I'm still trying to find the status quo.

I recall having this conversation many months ago with a friend from university, he too struggled to find the healthy balance between obligations and social activities. It wasn't until he brought the issue to light that I actually realised this problem existed. If you spend too much time fulfilling obligations, then you end up neglecting friends and vice versa.

At the present, my obligations have the utmost priority. A friend asked me if I was free to catch up tomorrow, but I had to turn them down. I feel bad because my friend is somewhat lonely. I suppose my friend is the result of social activities constantly being defeated by obligations, it makes me wonder if I should make better use of my time. We all should make the time to connect to people, I mean really talk to people.

I'm not particularly keen on facebook nor any other social networking platforms, I'd rather actually communicate with someone rather than exchange messages on a virtual wall. I suppose the only exception is if its a friend living abroad. We partake in social networking in order to connect to people, yet we fail to effectively communicate with our friends and family within our reach. Does anyone else see the irony?

Cosmo tends to fall asleep after indulging in head scratches.

Noddy has enjoyed sitting on all my slippers over the last 8 years.

the finer things in life

2012-06-05T19:40:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I went on a little road trip down to Canberra with my best friend. Many months ago, I wanted to move down there to study law at one of the universities. The drive there was three hours long and the scenery was just beautiful. I've always wanted to revisit Canberra but never found the chance to do so, until yesterday. Better late than never right?

We just got another cockatiel on Sunday from a breeder, he's a white face cockatiel. Cosmo is completely grey now, but in due time he'll grow white feathers around his face. My lutino cockatiel, Noddy, doesn't really like him though. We've had Noddy for eight years and he's never seen another bird before. Hopefully they'll get used to having each other around soon.

Noddy and Cosmo

remapping life expectations

2012-05-26T01:07:00.002+10:00

The real definitive moment within our life is when we come to terms with the fact that what we want cannot be attained. You know what I'm talking about. Remember those dreams you secretly harboured? It is suffice to say that, I too have experienced this. Perhaps many of you have too. Back in my final two years in high school, I was determined to gain entry to one of the medical programs.

Despite having personal problems on the horizon, I made sure that I kept trying. I sat the UMAT, my principal helped me with my application and said that I had potential. I even attended an interview with the university academics, I really was convinced that I could live up to my aspirations of the future. But in the end, that just wasn't enough. My personal problems got the best of me and sometimes I still regret it.

For a long time, I didn't know how to accept my own failure. I was compelled to write this after someone confided in me about meeting disappointment, I hope this post helps in some way. A failed plan doesn't necessarily spell the end, there are always other alternatives. Besides if the events didn't proceed in this manner, I wouldn't have met my two best friends. If you meet a dead end, simply turn around and go the other way.

Image credit: art-in-the-streets

cryptic message

2012-05-19T01:04:00.001+10:00

I feel guilty about the fact that we're drifting apart, guilt isn't something that I experience quite often. I'm indifferent about a lot of things. Despite the obvious, it seems as though it is too late to do anything to bridge the gap. I suppose this is what happens when anger completely absorbs the fond memories. Even as time dissipates those ill thoughts and feelings, you can't help but notice the expanse of that void.

The months of silence have eroded the very core of this alliance, perhaps it was always mean't to be like this. I tried to make amends but I could no longer make the connection. I want to deviate further from the confines of familiarity, I seek change in myself. When paths diverge, you must forge ahead. Forgive me for my lack of honesty.

Image credit: Daniel Parent