Embrace Your Changing Self

How to Take a Break

2018-06-14T15:44:00.002-04:00

In my last post "10 Deadlines Per Day", I wrote about the value of working just 30 minutes at a time followed by some type of break or reward. As I've been practicing this at work, I've been learning "how to take a break".

When I'm in the office and need a break, I can't take a nap or check Facebook. I'm "on the clock". My breaks should be for important personal needs (mind, spirit, family) or should be enjoyable but connected to work. So far, these are some of the things that have worked for me:

Walk all the hallways in the building for a couple of thousand steps. Socialize, but look for opportunities to address work priorities.
Walk outdoors
Research topics or skills that fit work priorities AND that I find interesting or fun
Call my wife or text my kids
Write in a work journal
Meditate

10 Deadlines Per Day

2018-06-03T15:37:00.000-04:00

Or 20. The more the better.

Daniel Pink, in his book "When--the Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing", describes research about "uh-oh effect". When a team forms to work on a project with a deadline, they typically don't get much done until almost exactly halfway to the deadline. At that point, if they are hopelessly behind or very ineffective they may give up altogether. But, if they know they have some reasonable chance of success, this midpoint is when they kick it into high gear.

This pattern was true with a wide variety of efforts: sports, business projects, preparing for a big exam. It was also true for a variety of project timelines: 2 years, 12 months, 6 months, 1 week, even 30 minutes. Time after time, groups would tend to get a sense of urgency almost exactly halfway to the deadline and start to produce their best efforts.

Because of the "uh-oh effect", Pink recommends breaking up projects into multiple interim steps, each with very short deadlines, so that you "kick it into high gear" multiple times in the same long project. Ideally, there are several small deadlines per day that you aim as you move from task to task:

"I want to read 1 chapter in the next 30 minutes."
"I want to draft a project strategy in the next hour."

I can see a clear connection between Pink's "uh-oh effect" and time management books such as "The Now Habit" by Neil Fiore that recommend working 30 minutes and then taking a 15 or 30 minute break. This approach probably works best when you have some goal to achieve within these 30 minute chunks of work and you keep looking at your watch or timer multiple times to see how far along you are. I've been trying to practice this for several weeks now because these kinds of books have a bigger impact on me when I can put the ideas into practice. It seems to be helping me get through some of the things I've been procrastinating on at work and at home.

Who's Gonna Blink First?

2018-03-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

The deepest meditation experiences I've had in 40 years have been the ones in which I managed to just concentrate on my breathing happening on its own, as if a stranger was breathing, without in any way controlling how fast I breath or how deeply. Watching the breath without trying to control it is much harder than it sounds, at least for me. When I'm not focusing on my breath, of course, I make no attempt to control it. I'm not even aware of it most of the time. But as soon as I stop all other activity and thought and just try to focus on inhaling and exhaling during meditation, I become a control freak. "I'm breathing too fast and too shallow. If I was really good at meditation, it would need to be slow and deep." Suddenly my ego gets in the way and I try to breath like a Tibetan monk instead of letting my breathing happen on its own.

I've read that the most people when meditating on their breath have trouble just letting it happen at the pace the body wants it to happen. Why does this matter? Because breathing, uniquely, is both voluntary and involuntary. You can't easily will your hearbeat to quicken or to slow down. But the breath can be fully under your control and can also happen without you paying attention to it all day and all night. It provides a unique opportunity to step back and watch your body behaving as if you are an outside observer. And this creates powerful benefits for relaxation, acceptance, and serenity. Those benefits are greatly reduced, I find, if I focus on my breath but call the shots on when to inhale, how deeply to inhale, and when to let it all out.

In the last few weeks, I've had some success with a new technique to meditate on my breath with more acceptance and less control. It's all about what happens BETWEEN inhalations and exhalations. In those intervals, I now tell my lungs, "It's your move. You want more air? You're going to have to start the inhale. Let's see who blinks first!" I know that eventually, my involuntary breathing system is going to kick in. And when it's done inhaling and there is another pause, I again tell myself that I'm not going to make the next move.

With this approach, I'm only having to push myself into letting go during the moments between breaths. I find that I do have the willpower and concentration to do this. And then the rest of the time, I'm much more likely to successfully focus on my breath as it does its own thing.

Murphy's Lawyer

2018-01-28T21:36:00.001-05:00

If Murphy's Law needed a lawyer, someone who could make the case that if something can go wrong it will, then Murphy's lawyer would be a Six. Of the Nine personality types in the Enneagram personality model, the Six is the most anxious. The Six is Paul Revere shouting, "The British are coming!" while Sam Adams, a partying Seven, downs another pint of beer.

I'm a Six. I've read about the other 8 personality types, and only the 6 fits. And it fits me perfectly.

Fortunately, worry can be a gift. Beatrice Chestnut in her book "The 9 Tpes of Leadership" does a great job of showing how all 9 personality types can be either be unhealthy or they can blossom into someone you absolutely want on your team. For example, every team needs a Six. America needed Paul Revere. The Titanic could have used a Six on deck screaming about icebergs.

What has reading about the 6 personality taught me about myself? I knew I had a tendency to identify problems and to try to fix them. I knew I was cautious and prone to see pitfalls and risks. What I didn't realize is that 6's expect everyone else to think, "Wow! I'm sure glad Ben pointed out these issues!", but this is the last thing many other personality types want to hear. I didn't realize until I read that 6's distrust authority that I also distrust authority figures until I get to know them. And when I read that 6's are notorius for extreme loyalty, I suddently understood why I always go overboard with volunteer roles. I become so loyal to the organization I'm volunteering for that I don't set boundaries well. I get overcommitted and sacrifice too much. I've had to cut out most of my volunteer work and now I understand why.

I'm grateful to learn all this about myself, even though there are things to watch out for, because in her book Chestnut also talks about the great ways that 6's contribute to the world. She shows how every personality type has things they need to watch out for, ways that they can get into trouble, but also shows how they can contribute in uniquely and indispensably to their families, communities, and workplaces. The diversity of personality types is perhaps the most important diversity of all.

The Enneagram: Meyers-Briggs on Steroids

2017-12-31T22:09:00.002-05:00

Inspired by The 9 Types of Leadership, by Beatrice Chesnut

The "Enneagram" is the most comprehensive theory of personality types I know of. I'm not a professional, but I've read a ton of psychology books over the last 40 years, and it seems deeper than Myers-Briggs and any other classification of personality types that I've ever read. It's too bad that the "Enneagram" has such a "New Age"name and the esoteric symbol shown above. Just because of its name and symbol, many people are likely to dismiss the Enneagram as unscientific.

There is at least some research supporting the idea that the Enneagram is a valid personality theory. If interested in seeing this research, go to this link: Enneagram research.

The way I "know" that the Enneagram is real, at least for me, is that as I've learned the 9 "personality types", I've come to find proof of the types in people who I know. Most important, I've learned that I am a "6"-- the "Loyalist". And I've found that, once I learned that this is the style that fits me best, the things that I've read about the "6" have taught me things about myself that I didn't know and that have been very helpful in relating to other personality types. I've found that my wife, Chris, is a "1" -- the "Perfectionist". And when I read something specific about "1's", I asked her, "Is this truly something that goes on in your head much of the time?' She replied, "24/7".

I think the best way to learn the Enneagram and to get the most out of it is from a combination of reading, discussion, and experience. You can't just read about the 9 types and believe that virtually everyone fits into one of these 9 types. You have to read it and then experience it in other people. Figure out which type fits you best and then ask yourself with an open mind whether the description of the type, both the type's strengths and the type's weaknesses, fits you. Because the Enneagram also describes unconscious patterns of motivation, emotion, and behavior in each type, does what you read about your type tell you some things about yourself that you weren't aware of? Finally, because a good Enneagram book such as the one by Beatrice Chesnut I referred to at the start of this post, will also tell you how other types might misunderstand your best intentions and motivations and how you might upset them with things that feel totally natural to you, does what you read help explain some of the conflicts you've had at work and in your personal life?

After you've done this, you can go on to try to identify the types of those closest to you. Eventually, I hope to identify people from all 9 types as a way to make what I read about those types come alive. Some people in any type will be chronically "unhealthy", demonstrating the worst motivations, thoughts, emotions, and actions of that type. Others are very "healthy" and recognizing this can teach you that any type can enhance any group, team, family, friendship, or business that they are a part of. I'm not done yet with the journey of finding people I know well in all 9 types, but I think it will be key to find at least one very "healthy" person in each type so that I recognize that all the types are equally valuable.

It's at the Tip of My Nose

2017-11-27T20:12:00.003-05:00

What is the secret to meditating on my breath when I'm feeling distracted? It's at the tip of my nose.

Sometimes when I try to meditate on my breathing, my attention jumps between how breathing causes movement in my belly, movement in my chest, and other movements and sensations. I can't seem to settle my focus anywhere. And then I can't help but try to control my breath. I know that, ideally, I just let the breath happen naturally while I observe it. But I can't help trying to control it. In particular, I can't help trying to breathe more slowly and deeply because this seems more "spiritual". All this control and wandering attention prevents me from getting into a rewarding, deep concentration on my breath.

What can I do at a time like this? I often find that it helps to focus on the breath coming in and out of my nose. Make that the primary focus of my breathing meditation. If my attention shifts to chest or belly, gently return to the nose. I find that this makes me less judgmental about HOW I'm breathing. If I just feel the air enter and leave the tip of my nose, I'm not overlerly concerned with whether I'm "doing it right". I'm more inclined to breathe naturally. I'll still feel the breath in my lungs and diaphragm but I let the feelings in my nose take center stage. I find this so much easier that I can do it not only during focused meditation but also when doing other things like driving to work or walking the dogs.

Best Wishes for All

2017-11-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

My favorite meditation of late is to wish for myself and others, "May you be healthy, be happy, and may you manifest your goals."

I start with myself because if you don't love yourself, then you don't love anyone. Put on your own mask before helping others.

Then I think of family, close friends, and my dogs. May my dogs manifest their dreams. Dreams of going for a walk, sniffing everything other dogs have marked, dreams of playing, treats, and of human companionship.

Then I think of people at work that I expect to interact with on this day. May they be healthy and happy. May their deepest wishes for their family and their future come true. Lastly, I think of people who have upset me because this promotes forgiveness which is good for me.

That ends the morning meditation, but I've developed a habit of continuing these thoughts in almost every interaction I have throughout the day. In meetings. In social events. Or just walking around the office, seeing people in their cubicles, and silently wishing them well.

People can tell. They don't hear my thoughts, but they seem to feel them. My meetings go more smoothly than before I developed this habit. I'm less intimidated when asking higher ups for approval or when stating an unpopular opinion. I have had a tendency to be skeptical of authority figures I don't know well. I'm sure they can sense that skepticism and it hasn't helped me gain their support. But when I silently wish them and their families and friends all the best they could hope for, I find myself trusting their judgment more, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and I sense that they, too, grow in their trust of me, my ideas, and my intentions.

No strain, no gain

2016-07-17T22:02:00.000-04:00

If I do something over and over again for many years, will I get better at it? Or will I plateau?

I recently read Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise, by Anders Ericsson and Robert Pool. Anders is THE expert on experts. He's the guy whose research everyone else quotes in their bestsellers about what makes people truly gifted. Malcolm Gladwell's bestseller "Outliers", with its rule of thumb about needing 10,000 hours of practice before you can become an expert? He was talking about Ander's research.

But Gladwell had it wrong, according to Anders. More important than an exact number of hours of practice, whether it it 5,000 or 50,000 is the quality of those hours. If you are a rock band and you just "jam", you won't become the Beatles even after 500,000 hours. You will plateau.

Practice makes perfect, but only if it is the right kind of practice. No strain, no gain. Anders studied historical masters such as Mozart and contemporary masters in sports, chess, art and other fields. He found that practice only makes perfect if it has these qualities:

During practice, you should be working on extremely specific goals. You are working on snapping your wrist as you flip the basketball towards the hoop. As you practice meditation, you are focused on the feeling of the air entering and leaving your nostrils. As you practice listening to music, you are focused on noticing the chord progressions or staying with the melody. As you practice getting through your emails faster at work, you focus on reaching decisions more quickly about whether to archive, delete, respond, or plan to respond later. Practice that is more general--I'll just play some tennis or listen to some jazz--isn't going to lead to better performance.
Ideally, you will get timely feedback on your performance.
You must also push yourself beyond your comfort zone. No strain, no gain.

I don't want to try to be an expert on everything. I don't want to push myself beyond my comfort zone in cooking, bicycling, reading, gardening, singing, or many other activities. Anders is clear that the kind of "deliberate practice" that yields the most improvement isn't fun. If it's fun, it isn't the optimum practice. Why would I want to do this painful practice for every kind of activity that I do? However, I think it's a good idea to do "deliberate practice" in many activities both at work and at home.

At work, I wish I could get through my emails faster. I waste SO much time getting through my emails. Could this be a skill that I master? Are there "drills" I need to go through? Specific things I could focus on at different times? How fast can I archive or delete? Are there measures I can track for feedback such as number of emails left in my inbox after I responded to today's emails?

One thing I've been changing is my approach to meditation. In the past, I've often taken the easy way out. I would "count" it as meditation if I just laid back in a "zero-gravity" chair and listened to some music. Now I'm pushing for the much harder, but probably more rewarding, practice of sitting cross-legged, fighting to keep my aching back straight, and trying to stay focused on my breath even as my mind wants to dwell on an itch on my knee or my plans for tomorrow.

The Day that I Need

2016-06-14T20:39:00.002-04:00

I need a day in which I remember to relax. And meditate. Exercise. Eat and drink mindfully.

I need a day in which I'm motivated (I know what I want and I go after it) but flexible (I'm unfazed when someone suggests a different approach and their idea prevails over mine).

I need a day when I remember to save some time for fun.

I need a day when I calmly address things that are wrong (clear as day; black and white) or might be wrong (this should be looked at but I might not be privy to all the facts or I might be blind to another way of looking at the facts).

I need a day when I listen to understand versus rushing to conclusions.

These are currently the thoughts that fit my needs the most, thoughts that I review every morning. I check, "How did I do against these commitments yesterday? Did I eat or drink too much? Did I fail to listen during that meeting last night? Did I fight too hard to get my way when we debated on what to do next? Did I fail or succeed in challenging things that were or seemed wrong? For the day to come, how will I get my exercise in? My meditation? What will I do for fun? Are there things I will need to fight for?"

This is a very personal, individual list. These are things I need to reinforce, things that loved ones have asked me to work on, things that I recognize are not yet habits but that should be habits. I add or remove a bullet point off the list every few months because I never know what is going to matter most at any given time.

This isn't a matter of simple positive thinking. I'm not claiming that I have mastered something that I haven't yet mastered. I'm just holding myself accountable to how well I met these goals yesterday and picturing how I might meet them today. And, as I would expect from the research I've read, this does work pretty well. When I set my intentions at the start of the day, visualize specific actions that could make the outcome happen, and review what I did and didn't do well the previous day, I find it does steer me to shift in the direction that I'd like to move.

Five Pounds shy of a One-Pack

2016-05-22T22:27:00.000-04:00

I think I'm about 5 pounds above my ideal weight. 5 pounds shy of a "1-pack". I'm not hoping for a 6-pack. That takes a different kind of exercise plan than walking in circles around my kitchen just before bed until my Fitbit reaches 10,000 steps. But a 1-pack would be nice.

One thing that has helped me keep the weight off for the last 3 months, besides the scare I had from my February blood test results, has been my new habit of weighing myself every day. A few months ago, I read about research that shows the benefits of weighing yourself every day. Here's a link to an article describing the research: "Daily Weight May Help Manage Your Weight. In essence, as long as someone doesn't have an obsessive dieting issue, it seems to help almost anyone to have daily feedback on their weight.

I've found over time that, as long as I weigh myself at the same time each day, my weight rarely changes by more than 1 pound from one day to the next . . . unless I've been bad. If I have bread and desert and a sweet cocktail, I might be up 2 pounds from the weight I've maintained for weeks. Just one day and I'm up 2 pounds! This motivates me to get my act together. This is "bad news" that I'm better off hearing ASAP. As long as I weigh myself daily, the problem never gets bad enough for me to need more than 1 day to fix it. This wouldn't be so easy if I waited a week, gained 5 pounds, and got discouraged.

Over time, I can imagine that I might drop a little below my current weight. Then my standards will change and I'll expect to be a little lighter than I am today. Eventually, nothing shy of a 1-pack will do!

Thank God it's diabetes!

2016-05-16T21:54:00.002-04:00

Being pre-diabetic would not have been enough. I've been pre-diabetic before. It's like having fairly high blood pressure, fairly high cholesterol, or being overweight but not obese. Concerning but not very motivating. There's no chance that I'm getting off the couch because I'm "borderline" diabetic.

But the numbers from my blood draw in February weren't "borderline". My doctor told me that a glucose level of 135 is solidly diabetic. My triglycerides and cholesterol were off the charts too. Doctor said, "Most doctors would put you on medications right now, but how about a 3 month lifestyle challenge? Change your eating habits and exercise. Then 3 months from today, on May 6th, 2016, we'll draw more blood. After we analyze the results, we'll decide how much medication you will need."

I agreed. I was weirdly excited about the bad health news. I'd tried and failed so often to motivate myself to make a lasting change in my eating habits. This time, I knew things would be different. I really don't want to give myself insulin shots. I want to be around helping my family rather forcing them to help me. I was excited because I was sure that--at worst--I'd lose weight. At best, I'd also improve my blood test results and would learn both intellectually and emotionally the connection between what I do and the numbers that I get back from the lab.

It wasn't hard at all, given my fear of full fledged diabetes, to immediately swear off starches, crackers, chips, sweets, pasta, and bread. I didn't restrict fruits or veggies or cheese. I didn't ban red meat. There is no life without bacon. But I ate a lot more chicken and fish and less steak, pork and eggs. I didn't become an exercise freak, but 95% of the time I made sure I got 10,000 steps on my Fitbit, even if I had to do dozens of laps around the island in the kitchen just before going to bed. My diet and my exercise allowed me to lose 12 pounds and gave me hope that I'd get good news after my May 6th blood draw.

D-day was today, May 16th. The blood test results were back. I went to my doctor's office to talk about the results. I tried to lower my expectations. "If nothing else--if my results are bad and I still need statins and insulin--it's got to be good that I lost 12 pounds. Maybe I can have lower doses for my new meds!"

Fortunately, my doctor had good news. My glucose level had dropped from 135 in February to 99 in May! That isn't even pre-diabetic! Triglycerides dropped from 250 to 120! No new meds and my doctor said something I never expected to come out of her mouth: "Keep doing what you've been doing."

So tonight I'm blog-bragging, celebrating, and having (just one) high glucose cocktail!

Ask and you shall . . .

2016-01-03T12:39:00.000-05:00

If I had to summarize in just a few words the classic book on networking, Never Eat Alone, by Keith Ferrazzi, I would say, "Offer help and ask for help." Both are hard to do for many people, including me. I often limit the help I offer others because I don't want to miss my own commitments and priorities. I also limit how often I ask for help because asking for help sometimes feels like I'm trying to get others to do my work. It feels like I'm being lazy or taking a shortcut.

But my reluctance disappears when dealing with family. My best "networking" successes have involved my kids. I can think of three good networking successes involving my oldest son, Mackenzie, including one that happened this week.

When Mackenzie was in high school, he thought he wanted to become a college football scout for the NFL. I wanted him to find out more about potential careers in sports. By reaching out to friends, I was able to get him a conference call with a scout for the Buffalo Bills, a conference call with the former Director of Football Operations for the Cincinnati Bengals, and almost got him conference calls with a sports radio announcer at WLW with ESPN commentator Michael Wilbon.
When Mackenzie was looking for a summer internship after his freshman year in college, I wrote to several people in City Hall and got him an interview that led to an internship with Vice Mayor David Mann.
And, three days ago, after Mackenzie decided to apply for the Criminal Law Internship Program (CLIP) in Washington D.C., I contacted every lawyer I know asking for opinions about the program. One of my friends put me in touch with two attorneys who had several years of experience with the CLIP program. One of these former CLIP attorneys lives just 3 blocks away from me! I'm looking forward to finding out the plusses and minuses of this program and passing this on to Mackenzie.

If only I could learn to be as brazen about asking for help for other things as I am about asking for help for my son! As long as I'm generous to others in return, my hunch is that the power of networking would live up to all the hype.

Don't be good. Be "good for . . .".

2015-10-26T22:38:00.000-04:00

So why did I treat myself to cheesecake the other day after I used the treadmill? I consumed twice as many calories in that cheesecake as I had burned off on the machine. The book The Willpower Instinct, by Kelly McGonigal, makes it clear that we often give ourselves "license to sin" after we perceive ourselves to have done good. She cites many studies in which test subjects were far more likely to lie or cheat or indulge themselves after they do something they perceive as good behavior.

Does this mean I'm doomed? If I make good choices about exercise, about diet, about helping my family or my community, will I necessarily follow these good choices with bad ones that cancel out whatever I've accomplished?

Not necessarily. McGonigal says that the key is to stop moralizing your actions. Get on the treadmill, but stop kidding yourself that you are being "good". A treadmill is not a path to sainthood.

Most of our daily decisions are neither sinful nor heroic. They are just either harmful or beneficial. We choose between a donut and a salad more often than we choose between stealing and charity. For almost every good choice you make, instead of thinking that you are "doing good", reflect on what your behavior is "good for". Think about the benefits to your health, you happiness, your loved ones, society, the environment, or whatever. This keeps your attention on your goals and values. It engages and strengthens your prefrontal cortex--the part of your brain that reasons, plans, sets goals, and tracks progress against those goals.

If, instead, you focus on the morality of your good choices, you turn all your attention toward your internal battle between good and evil. When you think of exercise as being "good", you are emphasizing that part of you would rather sit on the couch and eat cookies. When you commend yourself for having just one or two drinks in an evening, you are implying that part of you wanted to polish off a six-pack. When you pat yourself on the back for eating a salad, you are implying that part of you wanted to eat Twinkies. Your attention turns to your worst impulses and your struggles to overcome those impulses. Putting all this attention on inner conflict almost guarantees that, after the "good" in you has a small success, you will feel compelled to give the "bad" in you a chance to even the score.

The Cheesecake and the Treadmill

2015-10-05T21:40:00.000-04:00

Why did I have to start reading a book on willpower now? Why now?

So I'm reading and blogging about the book The Willpower Instinct, by Kelly McGonigal, and I'm feeling pretty psyched about how I'm suddenly going to eat right, drink in moderation, and exercise like an Olympian. I just started a business trip in Georgia today. I use Google Maps to find the fitness room of a hotel I've stayed at 100 times. I spend 20 minutes on the treadmill, lift a few weights, and I'm feeling unstoppable. I have dinner and then the waitress says, "Nobody's ordered dessert tonight. You can't let that happen to me! You've got to get the chocolate lava cake, the key lime pie, or the cheesecake!" I order the cheesecake.

Delicious. But then I go to my room and open The Willpower Instinct, I'm just starting the chapter "License to Sin". It's all about how, when we do something we think is good, we give ourselves permission to be bad. Oops.

Will-power and Won't-power

2015-10-04T20:14:00.002-04:00

In her book The Willpower Instinct, Kelly McGonigal describes three aspects of willpower: willpower, won'tpower, and wantpower. Willpower involves motivation to DO something, such as get off the couch and exercise. Won'tpower is the motivation to NOT DO something, such as not having another drink or a cookie. Wantpower is the motivation to move toward long term goals. I like McGonigal's threefold view of willpower because it seems that the strategies needed to motivate myself are totally different depending on whether I'm trying to resist ice cream, get on a treadmill, or develop a long term savings plan.

Early in the book, McGonigal describes research relating willpower and meditation. Studies show that even relatively new meditators gain measurable improvements in attention, self control, self awareness, and even increased gray matter in areas of the brain related to self awareness and self control. Why? McGonigal thinks it is because meditation exercises both willpower and won'tpower.

She describes what happens if you sit cross legged and try to focus on your breathing. Your mind wanders, and you bring it back to the breath. Wanders again and again and again, dozens of times in a 20 minute session. Each time you notice this, you redirect your attention to your breath. You have now exercised willpower several dozen times in 20 minutes. Being "bad" at meditation might even make it a more effective practice for building willpower. Meditation also builds won'tpower. This doesn't work as well if you try to meditate in an Easy Boy recliner. But if you try to sit still, cross legged, back straight, and head held high, you will probably feel many urges to scratch, fidget, stiffen up, or slouch. If you resist all these urges and maintain a relaxed, erect posture, the you exercise your won'tpower.

Getting a Gratitude Attitude

2015-09-22T19:46:00.004-04:00

Psychologists agree that, if you want to be happier in life, it helps to cultivate a feeling of gratitude. For example, see this video regarding Sony Lyubormirsky's research into the impact on happiness of writing in gratitude journals: Lyubormirsky on You Tube. One of the surprising things about this research is that writing down what you are grateful for has a much bigger impact on happiness for most people if you only do it once per week versus the group that did it 3 times per week or the control group that didn't do it at all. Why? The professor concludes that if you do it too often, it becomes a chore. You don't feel energized.

Imagine if there was another way to cultivate gratitude, a method that you could use every day and always feel deep emotional appreciation for the blessings you are counting. How to do this? One option is to apply the methods of the ancient Stoics--the Greek and Roman philosophers whose philosophy thrived between 350 BC and 200 AD (Stoicism-Wikipedia). I recently read "A Guide to the Good Life (the Ancient Art of Stoic Joy)", by William Irvine. The author is a professor at Wright State University who is convinced that many of the practices of the Stoics can be applied to modern life. He feels that the common view of Stoics as serious and unemotional is wrong and that they actually had practical advice on how to cultivate deep appreciation every day for what you have. In other words, the Stoics developed methods to cultivate a gratitude attitude.

Their key method for this is now described as "negative visualization". Here is a link describing it: negative visualization. The idea is to recognize that you never know when you could lose something around you that you cherish. There are no guarantees that your dog will be here tomorrow, or your house, or your family, or your job, or the nice weather outside, or your health, or your life. The idea isn't to dwell on these thoughts morbidly, just to quickly acknowledge the fact that these things are not necessarily permanent. This sounds depressing, but the result--according to the Stoics--is great joy. A few minutes a day of this practice, applied to a few things around you, can cause you to take nothing for granted. You cherish what could perish, and when you recognize the reality of change and impermanence, you are more likely to care deeply about what you already have.

Some or Nothing

2015-09-07T22:36:00.000-04:00

Psychologists describe various common thinking errors--thoughts that cause us to fall short of what we would otherwise accomplish or enjoy. One of the most common of these, and maybe the biggest faulty thinking error that I suffer from, is "all or nothing thinking".

"Either this blog post has to be perfect or it's not worth writing." Is this the thought that has led me to not write for 4 months in this blog? Yes, I've been traveling far more on business than ever. But I feel bad when I don't blog for months.

When I succumb to "all or nothing" thinking, I tend to go overboard and neglect my family if I pursue my personal interests. That is not OK. But could I have it all if I was willing to be satisfied with less? If I change from "all or nothing" to "some or nothing", can I do everything my family needs AND satisfy my interests?

Getting Ready to Serve

2015-05-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

Great tennis players go through highly personal rituals to help them concentrate before they serve. Baseball players do the same before they step up to the plate to face the pitcher. Competitors in all sports use routines to center themselves. Would we all benefit from similar routines before we step up to the plate in our homes and our offices?

I listened to a great podcast from "3minutehypnosis.com". The episode for "Instant Confidence" takes you through a long hypnosis intended to create a ritual that--unlike bouncing a tennis ball or kissing a baseball bat--is something you can do in any environment without getting noticed. You choose your ritual early in the podcast. The ritual is called an "anchor". The anchor includes your choice of a subtle hand gesture, an image of someone--a hero--who you feel epitomizes confidence, and a word you say to yourself such as "strong" or the name of your hero. Then you are guided in the podcast to recall a time in your life in which you felt totally in command of the situation, felt you were on a roll, at your best. You then "fire your anchor"--your hand gesture, image, and the word you say to yourself. You are guided to repeat this several more times during the hypnosis session, recalling different wonderful times in your life when you felt in total control. At the end of the session, you now have a tool you can use in any situation to generate a sense of confidence and ease.

I have been using this technique for a week now and find it so simple yet so powerful. In meetings, at home, in almost any situation, if I notice some stress I slyly, secretly "fire my anchor" and I always seem to feel more in command of the situation.

Slicing up Time

2015-04-26T17:54:00.002-04:00

I recently read a book on improving one's productivity called "Work Simply" by Carson Tate. I thought the most unique part of her book was that she believes that individuals will be more productive if they use work planning methods that are aligned to what she calls their "Personal Productivity Style". In her past research, she developed a very short assessment tool for identifying your "Personal Productivity Style". Everyone in my family took the test and the results matched how we perceived ourselves and perceived each other. She writes that you can find the tool on her website, carsontate.com, but I haven't been able to find it there yet.

In different chapters of "Work Simply", Carson describes what works best for "Prioritizers", "Planners", "Arrangers", and "Visualizers" in different areas: managing emails, making To Do lists, managing their calendars, setting up their workspaces, running meetings, and working with teams. One common theme seems to be how finely people with these different productivity styles will carve up time or projects. On one end of the spectrum, "Prioritizers" book their calendars in detail, with 20 minutes of answering emails followed by 15 minutes up making phone calls followed by 30 minutes each on 4 projects. They also quickly divide projects into small tasks, set priorities, and plunge through from one to the next without hesitation. On other end of the spectrum, "Visualizers" have "theme days": Mondays are for Marketing, Tuesdays are for networking, Wednesdays for strategizing, and so on. Of course they will be flexible enough to react to urgent needs, but they feel best when the whole day has a unifying theme and priority. And, when it comes to projects, they spend more time with the big picture and dread working the details.

I like Carson's attitude that no one set of planning tools will work for everyone. She does recognize that there are some things that will help anyone be productive such as a calendar and a task list. But she encourages people identify their own productivity style by using her assessment tool and then to ask themselves whether they'd be happier and more productive if they took their personal productivity style into account and rearrange their desks, block out their calendars differently, and or change the time horizon and detail in their To-Do Lists. A little experimenting doesn't hurt either. Based on the Assessment Tool, I'm a Planner first and Prioritizer second but sometimes I find that the occasional "Theme Day" gives me a break from overwhelming detail.

Happiness is not for Sissies

2014-11-02T17:39:00.002-05:00

One of the key themes of the book The Undefeated Mind by Alex Lickerman is that it takes strength to be happy. You need to be tough. You need to be thick skinned. Happiness is not for the timid. You have to be bold and able to take a punch.

Although we genetically are born with a different starting point for how cheerful we are--what psychologists often refer to as a "happiness setpoint"--we will all suffer. We will all have misfortunes. Happiness requires resilience. Dr. Lickerman describe two aspects to resilience:

The ability to thrive in the face of adversity
Persistence when encountering obstacles

Resilience, to Dr. Lickerman, is a strength we can cultivate. His book describes the exercises that make you resilient. They make you hardy. Tough enough to stay happy when things don't go your way.

Clarify your personal mission in the various roles you play in life (career, family, etc.). Make important commitments. Expect victory but only through hard work overcoming plenty of obstacles. Believe you can still be happy even after pain or loss. Cultivate gratitude. Help others. These practices are the push-ups that give you the strength to stay happy even when things get tough.

Optimistic about the Outcome, Pessimistic about the Path

2014-10-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

Optimistic about the outcome: "I'm going to make it. I know I've got the skill, the strength, and the patience to find a way to succeed."

Pessimistic about the path: "I'll succeed, but it won't be easy. I may find myself in some very difficult situations. I might not always know at first what I should do next. I might slip at times and might get scared. I'll have to tap into my reserves of endurance, patience, and courage before I finally reach the top."

In his book The Undefeated Mind, Alex Lickerman describes his ideas for strengthening your ability to handle adversity. One of his recommendations is to "expect obstacles". He describes research showing that people who expect tasks to be difficult tend to persist when things to wrong while those who expect tasks to be easy give up easily. He recommends what I see as a delicate balance between optimism and pessimism. In some of his chapters he talks about making vows about your important goals. In these chapters, I see him advocating optimism--confidence that for most of these vows you will prevail somehow, even if the outcome isn't exactly what you expected. And in the "expect obstacles", I see him advocating pessimism at least about what he calls "task difficulty".

I think this is a brilliant and all to rare balance of being positive and being negative. Most authors these days seem to push for nothing but positive thinking. The worst cases, to me, are the ones who tell you to just visualize things the way you want them to be and then wait for the mysterious power of the universe to manifest your dreams. Lickerman, instead, tells you to dream but then plan on a very tough road to reach that dream. Better to be pleasantly surprised when you reach that dream easily than to get discouraged and give up the first time anything goes wrong.

Your Mission, If You Choose to Accept It . . .

2014-10-20T21:25:00.001-04:00

According to The Undefeated Mind, by Alex Lickerman, defining your mission at work and at home can lead to more resilience in the face of life's upheavals. Dr. Lickerman defines your mission as whatever you feel most excited about contributing to the world around you.

This mission will be different for everyone. For me, when I'm at work, the "mission" that turns me on the most is to improve morale for the technicians who operate our production lines. This ISN'T my job description. I'm supposed to improve production results to improve profits, not morale. But there is enough overlap that I can put a lot of my energy into reducing frustration and tedium for factory workers, into making them feel confident and skilled and in control, and this makes my work feel more meaningful and important to me than it would if I focused solely on manufacturing cost. And having this sense of purpose makes it easy to cope with the inevitable project failures, budget cuts, difficult people, and other obstacles that we all encounter in our jobs.

I have different missions for the other roles I play in life outside of work. My missions are unique for me, but they aren't special. They are no better than what another person might choose for their own lives. Alex Lickerman's advice is that, for each role you have in life--each context you find yourself in daily such as work and home--you think through the question "What is my mission here? What way of contributing to the world outside myself is most fulfilling for me in this part of my life?" And then keep reminding yourself about that mission every day.

The Undefeated Mind

2014-10-12T20:53:00.001-04:00

When we moved my son into the University of Chicago a couple of weeks ago, one of the speakers at a session for parents was Professor Alex Lickerman, author of "The Undefeated Mind". Professor Lickerman was discussing Student Health and Counseling Services at the University, but he also spoke about his"Resilience Project", a training program offered to all students that has been correlated to greater success at school and better results in several measures of well-being and happiness.

Because Professor Lickerman was a great speaker who even made College Health Insurance sound fascinating, I decided to buy his book. I love it.

The core idea is that we can remain relatively happy as we experience the ups and downs of life if we never allow ourselves to be defeated. If we never stop trying. If we never stop looking for a new strategy to overcome adversity, even when every other strategy has failed, then we have not been defeated.

I've had some hard times at work in the last year. I've tried different strategies to manage the people who are making my job so difficult and unpleasant. Every new approach has failed. At times I think I let myself feel defeated, as if with some of these people nothing was ever going to work. But then I'd try a new strategy until I finally found something that seems to be working.

As I've read "The Undefeated Mind", I realize that I was most unhappy when I gave up hope, when I allowed myself to think that there was no way around these people, that I'd have to cave in and do work that was less than I was capable of and deliver results that were less than what mattered. I was most unhappy when I was close to having a "Defeated Mind". But when I kept thinking, "What if?" and kept brainstorming up more ways to get around the people who were holding me back, I eventually found some techniques that started to work. I can see that this is what it means to have an "Undefeated Mind". As long as I keep struggling, I haven't been defeated.

As Lickerman writes, "possessing an undefeated mind means never forgetting that defeat comes not from failing but from giving up."

Thrive

2014-09-28T12:01:00.002-04:00

My oldest son, Mackenzie, will be starting as a freshman at the University of Chicago on Monday. We moved him to his dorm last weekend and helped him get settled in. It's been years since I'd seen him acting so excited, since I'd seen him approaching one person after another after another, striking up conversations so often that after just 2 days everywhere we walked on campus students were already calling him out by name. All I could think of whenever I saw him interacting with the other students was, "He's going to thrive here!"

I'm still feeling euphoric, still feeling like he's about to start the best years of his life. It also got me thinking about the relationship between your circumstances and your happiness, between your circumstances and whether or not you thrive.

There has been plenty of research suggesting that perhaps 60-70% of your happiness is NOT a function of your objective circumstances. According to Positive Psychology researchers such as Sonya Lyubomirsky, we are born with "Happiness Setpoints" that explain much of the difference between those who are perpetually gloomy and those who are perpetually cheery. Life happens and people may temporarily cheer up or get sad, but they often bounce back to their usual level of happiness. The remaining 30-40% of our happiness is in our control and is affected by things like our social behavior, our activities, and our thought patterns.

So will my son really thrive in Chicago? Is this just the temporary excitement of new circumstances? I don't think so. Sometimes circumstances change in a way in which their impact is usually fleeting. Your girlfriend dumps you. You get a raise at work. You get a new iPhone. But other life changes have a more lasting effect because they help you transform your social behavior, your activities, and your thought patterns. They thus help you transform the 30-40% of your thoughts and actions directly raise or lower your happiness.

For the last 6 years, Mackenzie attended Walnut Hills High School, a school whose outstanding academics attracts students from all over the city. Unfortunately, this creates a circumstance in which it is hard to spend time with the friends that you make at school. It's not like when I went to my neighborhood high school and we could all see each other on weeknights or weekends. At Walnut or any other great city "magnet" school, unless your parents endlessly drive you around, you better hope that many of your best school friends live in walking distance. With very few exceptions, Mackenzie was not so lucky. None of us regret his attending such a fine High School. It's academic strengths are a big reason he was able to get into the prestigious University of Chicago. But I think I see how the circumstances at Walnut may have held him back a bit. I also saw last week how drastically different the social opportunities are for him at University of Chicago. These are his kind of intellectual people, debating politics, philosophy, history--people from all around the world with fascinating backgrounds and cultures. And they live with him in his dorm or within walking distance at other dorms. And I feel how he can't believe his good fortune, how thrilled he is to engage with so many people, and I know that this isn't just something new and exciting. He is going to thrive.

Poke at my Idea PLEASE

2014-07-20T18:57:00.001-04:00

I've sometimes read that it's best to develop a plan from the ground up with others so that they "own" the plan as much as you do. This may be ideal, but sometimes its too slow, especially when there are lots of people involved. A friend of mine often seems to want to use the "ground up" approach, and I find that his meetings often don't get very far.

I continue to have the most luck when I make a proposal and solicit responses. I want people to poke at my trial balloon, even if it bursts, because I know that once the proposal changes to incorporate other people's ideas, they start to buy into the plan. I WANT the proposal to change.

These proposals work best when I continuously project that I want input. I have to project that I will not be defensive, that I get excited when someone points out a better approach, even if it means I overlooked something critical or obvious. If I project this right from the start, I think the other people in the room or on the phone can sense that I value their input. It's safe to tell me whatever they really feel. They start to engage and, as the dialogue continues, the plan get better and better and better.