embracing bee's

belated

2012-10-10T22:41:00.001-07:00

This post has been a long time coming! It has been heavy on my mind! A dear friend of mine recently told me his mother said to him, "Kate needs to get her groove back!" Then not to long after a family member said to me, " You just don't seem happy!" Me? not happy. Me? Lost my groove.I knew that I was sucking at life but I honestly thought no one noticed. I used to be this girl, or at least I was in my mind, that was strong willed but easy going. I loved to laugh and be around people that made me laugh. I never let people stay in my life that only caused me pain.What happened to me? I have been pondering this question for a few weeks now. I have been in the midst of something painful for sometime now and because of the circumstances I have allowed myself to excuse things I never would have before. Slowly these painful things have destroyed qualities I liked in myself and made me into someone I don"t even know. I've lost myself, and this realization is the most painful thing of all. For too long I have played the victim but now I see there is no point. You can't control others! I would know, I have spent a large part of my life trying to change and reason with many different people. My Grandpa used to tell me often that the only person I could control in my life was me. I, of course, understood what he was saying. It is simple to understand but recently I have found new meaning in it. No, you can't control what others do and often times people will do things you don't like, even people you love. You can, however, choose to not be victimized by others choices, even though they sometimes feel very personal. I have thought in my head many times why did I deserve to have a trail like this and when or if it would ever end. I know that the intention of my existence was not to feel hopeless, forgotten, or even sad. So I being a logical person and one that truly understands the things written above have vowed to rise above the pain and become that girl I once knew. To stop losing myself because I am desperately trying to fix something that is beyond my control. Here's to loving myself again!

The bathroom experience

2012-07-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering what exactly this post could be about! Don't worry I am not about to describe in great detail anything associated with the bathroom that the public doesn't need to know about! First off I am writing this post from my nice big bath tub, which I have become very fond of lately. It's a big source of relaxation for me and with two girls nearing the age of two and me discovering that the "terrible " often associated with the age 2 is NOT an exaggeration, the need for relaxation has become quite prevalent in my life. Today, though, I needed to blog and this may be my only moment of peace. If your a friend on facebook you know that today I started the journey of potty training with my twin girls! I will admit, I am not ready for this and I honestly think my kids are still too young (only 20 months) . Although, despite my efforts, they take off their diapers every time they have a chance! Now when I say efforts I mean : tape, onesies, and tried to help them understand their diapers need to stay on. All failed. Which has resulted in poop and pee on my floors more times than I can count. Cleaning that up gets old fast! For almost a month now my kids have willing sat on the toilet and gone through the appropriate steps: wipe, flush, wash hands, and dry them! They have never actually put anything in the toilet besides toilet paper. I felt like if I could just get them to pee once, they would understand! I tried bringing them in the bathroom with me and watching potty time with Elmo (who they love). Still nothing! Yesterday after a couple of poopy nap incidents, I had had it! No new diapers for these girls, I was determined to watch them and get them to the potty in time! I failed 4 times, it happened so fast! That night after the girls feel asleep I decided I needed to get ready to potty train. So I finished reading a book on training I had started and got a plan together and then ran to walmart to get what I needed. This morning I was pumped and the girls loved their "big girl " panties. I pumped them full of milk and juice whatever they wanted to drink. Then I waited. A couple of times I could tell they needed to pee so we went to the potty and sat and read books, sang songs. Nothing. One time after Audrey had been sitting on the toilet for a good 5 minutes, she gets down and within a minute pees. There went my patience! The last 4 hours were a waste! Diapers were back on, lunch was served, and off to bed they went! Only, of course, to discover, as usual, them still awake an hour and half later no onesie, no diaper. So here I am hoping better news is headed my way but for now I'm trying to find sanity in my bath tub! I hope it helps! :)

Beneficial

2012-04-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

Beware readers this is a post about the strange things a girl like me thinks about!!!

Lately I have been thinking about the things that we hold on to in society and the things that fall by the wayside. For instance, and this my not be the best example but most of us depend on others to grow, tend to, and harvest our food whereas once upon a time it was a lot more common to do this yourselves. In my life time, which is roughly 24 years I have watched technology change and grow and leave me in AW time and time again. This is a wonderful blessing in my life but it also has had me thinking of what the future holds. I recently finished reading a book with one of those dystopian plots where the government has far too much control. Ya know, the kind of book that seems to be a very popular theme these days, forbidden love, self discovery, adventure. The kind of stuff a girl like me loves to read. In the"society" of this book, they no longer have the ability to write, because they all type on their little personal computers so the "need" for writing is gone. I know it may be a strange thing to do but I always look for similarities to our society in books like this and the disappearance of writing from within this society leads me to wonder, could our society ever lose the ability to write? Possibly it is still the same as it was when I was in school but I know by the time I got to high school the more papers were typed instead of hand written. By my college years it was all typed. It is possible that this is just the natural progression of school and I of course would like my children to learn both typing and writing. It is just an interesting thought I had which lead me to this:

This is a picture I took MANY years ago when I was working with my grandfather at Soka University in California. He hated taking main highways anywhere so he very often took back roads. This particular back road is pretty famous, route 66. Someday when I have the time and funds I think it would be so fun to take route 66 from end to end. So if you have never been to Cali on route 66, you should go someday. Along that road you will find a shoe tree. I am not sure how long ago people started this tree but hundreds of people have thrown their shoes up in this tree. Back when I took this photo I was still determined to carry around my film camera forever but then when I got my dslr I quickly fell in love with it as well.

I always loved the shoe tree. I loved that people left a piece of themselves in a way that people saw and felt impressed by. It has me thinking about how I can leave a piece of myself that will impact people or more importantly my children and their families. I have always been a journal keeper. Writing has always been my release. Although, notice I didn't say a regular journal keeper. That is something I have always regretted. I am really good at recording the times when I am angry or sad, the times when I really need to vent. I even recorded a really bad text message breakup word for word and signed my name next to a promise to myself never to do that again, just to try and move on. My fear is that, at this current moment, the legacy I am leaving is a girl who probably need therapy, who had a lot of heartbreak and didn't always make the best decisions. Possibly I am pretending to be more than that and in reality I really do need therapy. Either way I am making a personal goal for myself to include good and uplifting things in my journal. To record those moments when I feel the overwhelming conformation of the spirit for an answered prayer or the moments when I couldn't think of anything I would rather do than be a mother. I want to be the kind of person who remembers the good and is thankful for it.

I am sure you are kind of wondering how the top part of this post has anything to do with the bottom part. My explanation may not be the best but lest me try and put it into words. I think that looking at something that is handwritten gives it life, character, and humanity. I never want to lose that in myself and I never want my posterity to lose that. My way of hanging on to that ability and passing it down is through my journals. I hope that makes sense at least a little. :)

I hope you enjoyed this look into my twisted brain.

Busy

2012-02-15T11:11:00.000-08:00

This is a great way to describe my life lately!!! As many of you know my little sister Shel is getting married in about a month. This has been an exciting time in our family BUT also very busy. Shel is also in hair school which is Tuesday-Saturday 9 to 5. So basically she has Mondays to work on wedding stuff because of course Sundays are a day of rest. I have been trying my best to pitch in and be there but of course I also have 2 babies that still require a lot of my attention, even though they think they are big shots. On top of trying to help my sister, my kids each spent about a week sick and of course it was not simultaneous. I also have been trying to work on making my house feel more like a home instead of like we just moved in. It still has a ways to go and I have learned a few things about the importance of measuring things and cheap generally looks cheap. Surprise I know. Haha.

So needless to say, blogging has not been on my top priority list lately. Although, I have felt the need to be blogging for the last week or so but I am quickly learning that even though I hate trying to work on a computer when my girls are awake because they are drawn to the computer like I am to anything chocolate, it is easier to blog during the day. I also have been feeling like a lame blogger because of my lack of pictures so I FINALLY have some pictures to post. I finally added an old picture of myself that hopefully will be replaced soon but I am having some serious picture of myself hatred at the moment. So who knows maybe I will use phtotoshop to do a little bit of technological cosmetic surgery.
The pictures I am posting are mostly of some valentines crafts (which you will notice are all complete so I am saying they are half done for next years valentines day) and things I have been working on for my sister.

Here is a picture of my seasonal quote chalkboard. For V-day it says: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!" Anybody know the movie it is from???? Love that quote, it is truth no matter who you are.
The picture below on the right is of my cupcake flower bouquet that is beneath the chalk board quote.

To the left are some chalk painted sparkling cider bottles that I am going to put up for decoration (not valentines decor) but I want to put each of our first letters on a bottle. So a T and a K on the big ones and a A and a R on the little guys. I figure it will be an easy thing to make more of as our family grows. I think I am going to put them on my bookcase in the hall upstairs!!!

<fake
flowers

Un-
finished>
decor. The little
roses are supposed to make a heart shape, but they are a pain in the booty to twist into roses!

<These are little canvas' that I painted to look like they were old and crackly and then painted the work love and added some little roses. I love it and I am doing something similar for spring.

This was my really cute valentines wreath but the> pins didn't hold the cupcake liners in when the wind decided to blow it down. So I have to fix it and I think I am just going to hot glue this sucker back together. Oh wind, I only like you in the summer but bot really even then because you feel similar to my blow dryer and it is frustrating.

My Valentines day was pretty much just like any other date day. The hubby and I aren't exactly the sentimental type of couple. Which is good and bad sometimes. We went to dinner at Memphis BBQ, it was very yummy and thankfully not very busy.

This red thing is a craft for Shel's bridal shower that I painted chalkboard in the middle of and you will see the finished result when I post pictures from the shower.

This is how I felt trying to figure out how to print my sisters bridal shower invitation on a 5.5" x 5.5" paper. I was about ready to throw my computer out the window. I was having a zoolander moment. But I figured it out and they invites look great, I think. So if you get one I hope you are impressed but if not here is the finished product. Designed, printed, and glued by me. Imagine the invite in metallic white paper. It is adorable.

I hope you enjoyed this long overdo post. This blog was posted while listening to 'Linger' by the Cranberries. If you haven't heard it you should. It's an oldie and I love oldies.

Babies

2012-01-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

A while back I started a little advice book for my kiddos and I know have blogged about it before on my family blog, so if this is a kind of repeat from something I have blogged about before I am sorry. I have been thinking a lot about writing down all my favorite moments with my kids. I want to have something for them to look back on and read because they will never remember these sweet little moments from right now. So every time I have one of those tender moments, where I think I couldn't possibly love my kiddos anymore I think I will blog about it.

Today after I had finally finished blow drying my hair (which takes forever with my massive hair) and getting all fixed up I had decided I wanted a drink. So since Trevor was up and home I opted for a sonic happy hour run and as I was on my way out the door this little baby started trying to keep up with me. I turned for a second and grabbed her hand and started to say " Go find Dad!" But before the whole sentence could leave my mouth I looked at that sweet face, so excited to be headed towards the door with Mom, I quickly changed my sentence to...."I'm taking Riley with me!" This is not normally something I do, especially when I am just making a quick trip, but the older my kids get the more I realize how fast time goes by. I also made a personal new years resolution to be more cautious of treating my twin girls like individuals. I read in a book called Baby Wise (which I swear by p.s.) that it is very important when you have multiples to spend time with them individually. My girls tend to get lumped together a lot, most commonly called 'the babies'. I am definitely guilty of this, so I am not knocking anyone who has done this but I am really trying these days to mold them into their own people. I understand how hard it is, they look so much a like to most people, they are in the same stage in life, but they really are so different. I kinda feel like I am beating a dead horse so you get the point. Here are few other sweet things about my girls I don't ever want to forget:

I love that you both climb up the stairs and go straight to the bathtub, you both LOVE bath time.
Every time some upbeat music comes on you both bust into some awesome dance moves.
Riley, I love your fake cry faces. Your little bottom lip literally pouts out.
Audrey, even though you shouldn't take things from your sister and you do it often.I can't help but think your feisty little attitude is adorable.
I love how you both play together. It's a big relief to Mom.
Audrey, I love that you somehow every time you have a pony tail in when you sleep, you wake up with no pony tail and silly hair.
Riley, you love to cuddle with me and I definitely LOVE that!

Treasure every moment wit h your kids, they are so precious!!!

Breaking

2012-01-14T21:24:00.000-08:00

To start this post off, let me just apologize for not having any pictures on here yet...... I'm working on that. Breaking........ um yeah, these last few days have been about embracing breaking of all sorts of things. For starters, this week has not been the best for my running routine. In fact, I have not run at all!!! I was feeling like a loser for already slacking on one of my new years goals and then I semi made up for it. On Friday we went out with some friends and played Wolleyball. Which was a lot of fun but it definitely came with it's price. Yep, bruises on my arms and some old lady back pain.
Then on Saturday my Dad invited us to ride bikes with them. It has probably been over 10 years since I have ridden a bicycle. It was definitely an adventure and I am sure tomorrow I will feel the pain. Between the two unexpected workouts I don't feel so bad for not running all week. I am also starting to feel grateful for the opportunities to exercise. I took it for granted when it was easier and I was younger but now I need it and it is hard. But I am learning to love it. I also had my first encounter with a high school student that made me feel old, which was the first time that has ever happened. I never have felt grown up. Sure, I have had grown up experiences, college, marriage, and babies but I still feel the same way I did when I graduated high school. In fact, whenever I see my friends from high school I am amazed at how grown up they seem and I don't feel like that at all. So when I was signing along to songs from the 90's around said high school students and she had never heard some of them I felt pretty old. Here I am singing these songs that have memories of the past attached to them and she says "yeah, you can tell these songs are older because there is no auto-tone!" Talk about a broken spirit! Oh well, I guess everyone gets older sometime!!!

Brave

2012-01-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

This entire week has been about me embracing that word. Brave. For those of you who know me well you know that brave is not a word to describe me. I hate roller coasters, actually most rides for that matter, which is why I love Disneyland......... super mild rides. I am always freaking out about Trevor's driving because he drives like a typical boy that thinks it's funny when girls sit in the passenger seat afraid for their lives. I am incredibly afraid of the dark and I freak myself out frequently. In fact, I remember when I was in 3rd grade I watched The Candy Man at a friends house and for months after that I couldn't shower without someone keeping watch to make sure there were no creepy ghosts lingering.
So basically any scary movie I see just makes me more scared. I guess I just don't have the ability to tell myself it is all just Hollywood. Anyway, you get the point...... I am a big chicken and as I mentioned in my first post this has been the first week of Trevor working graves that I have spent at home alone. I have been trying my best to muster every once of bravery I can find within myself and needless to say I have survived!!! But it wasn't without it's set backs. Making sure all the doors were locked, which is usually a job I leave to Trevor in our nightly routine. Turning on every light in my house so there were no dark suspicious areas, and then leaving them on until I went to bed. Being torn between having noise or not, having the TV on was great but then while the water was running for my girls bath I was checking my back every few seconds. Dealing with my girls crying right before bedtime when they usually love bath time, probably it was a mixture of being tired and sensing Mom's fears. Lying in bed and hearing bumps and bangs and wondering if it something I should go check out. Having a hand gun near the bed that I am trying to remember how to load and then being freaked out that there is a HANDGUN under my bed. Leaving my shower light on. (Yes, I said shower light. Our bathroom has a light just for the shower. It is nice.) Not really sleeping much but desperately trying to ware myself out ...... reading books, watching movie trailers, playing games on my phone. Spending 2 of the 4 nights Trevor worked at my Mom's house. IT was a LONG week and it will definitely take some getting used to but as ridiculous as being so afraid was, I am really proud of myself for trying to be as brave as I could. Hopefully the more I practice being brave the braver I will get. Although, don't bet on me liking roller coasters or Trevor's driving anytime soon!!! :)

Befriending my resolutions

2012-01-09T21:23:00.001-08:00

Well here it is, my first official post. It is always exciting for me to post a first post it feels like the beginning of a long journey. Now that my mind has really started to get wrapped around this blog I am seeing that it may end up being a sort of blog journal. That is okay though.

Last night was the first night since Trevor switched over to grave yard shifts that I had to spend alone. By alone I mean me and my 2 one year old, who surprisingly aren't much company especially after 7:30 when they are in bed. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep. I did, however, get to spend a lot of time working on this blog. I made my own icons, which was very fun. The icon that says " I am a mormon" is still underway. One of my goals for this new year was to create a Mormon.org profile and put my testimony out there for the world. I submitted it yesterday but it takes a few days to be reviewed. So........... just to share here are some of my new years resolutions.

Personal Goals:
Get into shape
Eat/ get healthy
Increase my running until I run about 4 miles a day
Read my scriptures more
Pray when I am angry, or frustrated (this is the hardest time for me to pray)
Stick to my house cleaning schedules
Organize home
Finish all my home decoration projects

Goals for my family:
Read the scriptures to our girls
Take a family vacation
See the lights at Temple Square (which I still have never seen)
Buy a bigger family car