Emerging Parents

This Blog Has Moved

2009-02-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

The Emerging Parents blog can now be found at www.emergingparents.com. Please visit us there to join the conversation and submit content for posting.

Abandoning Children

2008-11-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Nebraska's recent safe haven law was intended to allow parents to anonymously leave infants at a hospital without being prosecuted. The idea was to protect infants. But so far not one infant has been dropped off, and of the 34 children dropped off all but six were over the age of ten. Lawmakers are scrambling to redo the law with a 30 day age limit attached and are imploring parents not to dump their teens in Nebraska. Read the full story here.

How do you react to this situation?

I personally am appalled that a parent would abandon a child, but understand that perhaps that could be the best thing for the kid in the long run. My question is, what resources do these families have to deal with their struggles? Are there any good options available to help them work through whatever they are facing? Is this a discipline issue, an economic issue, a self-centeredness issue, a total lack of support issue? Where truly can struggling parents turn that works with them without simply condemning them for wanting to abandon their kids or for having sex and a kid in the first place? What is the role of the church in these situations?

Church

2008-10-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

I feel privileged to have the opportunity to post a question here on Emerging Parents. My husband and I are presently trying to figure out the "how" and "what" to the issue of church.

What is your family currently doing as far as growing your children spiritually? Do you attend church, do church in a home or an alternative and how did you come to this decision?

We respectfully disagree on what we should do, yet, some type of a decision needs to be made. We have no idea how to come to some type of middle ground, if there is any, and both passionately believe that this is a very important part of our parenting journey.

Looking forward to a discussion about this.

Re-energize?

2008-09-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

Let's get this going again folks.
As I follow some of your other blogs I know you all are busy, but I feel a need for some of your thoughts and ideas on parenting in this day and age.
I personally would like to get your thoughts on parenting in a vacuum of church and community. Is it healthy?
Is it overemphasized?
Although the community is sought after the traditional church is not.
Let me know.
be the peace

Study on Children in the Emerging Church

2008-03-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

According to Brian McLaren Dave Csinos at McMaster Divinity College is currently doing important research about spiritual formation for children in emerging churches. He's also written a great paper on children in the Bible, available here. I can't wait to see what he finds.

Christians and Public Education

2008-02-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

There is a lively discussion on he topic of Christians and Public Education over at Jesus Creed. I wanted to point it out for the interested.

Awakening an Awareness of God

2008-02-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

Back when I was about ten, my mother did something for Christmas that stands out as an important awakening moment for me as I look back over my life.

It was a simple idea, something for the season of Advent that she probably found in one of the church magazines or devotionals we had. She took a little woven basket that could serve as a manger for a doll-sized baby Jesus and put it in the living room. Then she got a hold of some straw and set it in a pile nearby. (We were living in Southern California at the time so I can't imagine where she found straw!) Finally, she called the family together and invited us to "make a bed for the baby Jesus" by adding straw to the manger, one piece at a time. You were allowed to add one piece every time you did something kind for someone else. There was just one catch: your good deeds had to be anonymous. No one was to know what you had done. It was just between you and God.

Just between me... and God.

Something crystallized that moment in my memory. I can almost see myself standing still, stopped short in my mental tracks by a sudden new awareness. Faith had crosed over into my interior life. If I could have a secret shared just between God and me, then that meant that even when I was alone... I wasn't alone. Someone was there, and we could.... talk.

As an adult, I've asked myself just what it is that I experience as a believer. What do I "get" out of having faith in Jesus that makes a difference in my life? One answer I keep returning to is the fundamental sense that when I'm alone, I'm not alone. There is someone there. It may well be that my mother was the one who first brought me that awareness.

Now, I have a daughter who is twelve and another who is six. I had big plans last Advent of sharing this little faith practice with them. (Oh well, maybe next year.) But yesterday something came up that just may strike the same chord.

My twelve year old didn't want to go to the Ash Wednesday service. Normally she's quite happy to go to worship, but this day she'd had late after school activities, still had homework and chores yet to do, and really needed a shower. She just didn't want to go out again. Cold she just stay home?

I thought about it, and for a variety of reasons I said yes. But then it occurred to me to encourage her to pray by herself after she finished her shower.

By herself. I wondered...

She agreed, and that was how we left it. I took her sister with me and she had the house to herself for a little while. She was certainly accustomed to praying. We pray extemporaneously as a family at meals and at bedtime. But this may have been the first time that she prayed "alone."

I checked with her about it later that evening and she had spent some time in prayer. It sounded pretty normal. She didn't report any great revelations and I didn't want to sugest that she was expected to, so that was that.

Will she emerge into adulthood with a sense, as I did, of the inward companionship of the loving God, as near as her own thoughts?

I don't know, but I'm hoping. And praying.

Graced Vulnerability: A Theology of Childhood

2008-02-06T02:12:00.000-08:00

As a parent - and a theologian - I’m always on the lookout for good children’s books, and good books about children … and good books in general. I’ve recently become aware of Graced Vulnerability: A Theology of Childhood by David H. Jensen. While I await my own copy to arrive, here’s a review of the book that I read:

'Taking seriously children qua children, Jensen issues a clarion call for Christians—theologians and others alike—to do the same. Tracing their place in the tradition, he notes the comparatively little attention afforded to children in theology and church. Cast as corrupt bearers of original sin, as those whose wills require breaking and reshaping, or as less than fully human entities on their way to personhood, children have been depicted and treated in ways that fall short of ancient Jewish and Jesus’ own norms and practices. A few voices have dissented, though at a comparative murmur and without providing adequate alternatives. Children remain largely devalued, even as church and society fail to counter their widespread abuse (local to global) amid war, poverty, disease, hunger, abusive sexual and labor practices, domestic violence, and crime. Jensen’s alternative “theology of childhood” draws on “the covenantal framework of children as full members in the household of God and the whisper of an ethic of care implicit in the gospel narratives of Jesus with children.” This theology calls Christians to become vulnerable with children as they attend to them, care for them in ways the tradition at its best has embraced, and enhance children’s lives as they are changed themselves to become like children. The means are the church’s distinct “practices of vulnerability”: peacemaking, baptism, sanctuary, and prayer. Crafting an original, rich, impassioned, keenly argued yet accessible book, Jensen has graced child and adult alike. His is constructive and practical theology at its best!' - Allan Hugh Cole, Jr.

Sounds great. I’m looking forward to reading it. Gems will be shared. I’d be keen to hear comments from others who have already read, or are reading, this book.

The Heresy of the Perfect Parent

2008-02-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

Rachel recently posted some interested questions over at the Justice and Compassion blog focusing on The Heresy of the Perfect Parent. The article she quotes and her comments are worth the read.

Intergenerational Worship

2008-01-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

Okay everybody. I might as well be up front and say that I am obsessed with the idea of intergenerational worship. So if I sound a bit intense or even close minded, please forgive my charisma and know that one day it will grow more mature and maybe even mellow.

By "intergenerational worship," I mean corporate worship that is planned with all generations in mind.

For me, the bottom line is this: If we're having a gathering of the whole church and a specific population of the church isn't welcome, or is only welcome for part of it, or is only welcome if they behave in a way that is unlike the way they are in every other setting, then, well, I see a big red flag.

I guess what seems to be required is a decision about what a worship service is, and --at the risk of sounding consumeristic--can provide for the Body of Christ. Sometimes, serving some needs excludes the meeting of others. It seems to me that for
intergenerational worship to work, other structures must be in place to meet needs that might have formerly been met by a worship service.

The first concern many people have is that the developmental needs of children are different than those of adults. Another one is that parents need a break. Many have come to look forward to dropping off their children and having a special adult time of spiritual enrichment. And then of course there's the silence issue. Many adults find God in the quiet places. And if children are around--especially very young children--it's not going to be silent.

Although all these concerns are good things to think about, and indeed real needs of real people. But to bring them up as a way to advocate for children to be excluded from worship (even if they're doing some incredibly developmentally appropriate things while adults finish worshiping) is really missing the point.

It's a little bit too much like "separate but equal" not too long ago--all sorts of irrelevant arguments were (and still are) made in those cases to justify excluding particular groups--including the "developmentally appropriate" one.

Many of us no doubt grew up going to at least part of the worship service at church. And many of our parents were there the entire time because there were no children's programs. So, we were included--sort of. We still remember the songs the congregation sang and maybe even the kinds of things that people said from up front.

Unfortunately, we probably also remember having to sit still, consoling ourselves with crayons or a novel, maybe even getting taken out for harsh discipline or (in my case) pinched right then and there for making a peep! No parent I know believes in nor wants to go down that road.

Today, the Holy Spirit is clearly at work to help churches value and respect children in a more holistic way. Children's ministries are not working--both staff and volunteers are burned out and the percentage of children they serve who don't return to church as adults keeps growing. At the same time, more and more parents aren't willing to trudge through, using systems of rewards and punishment to be with children throughout a service that was designed for adults. I feel confident that God will teach us creative ways to be together as the church--ways that will help us genuinely pass down our faith from one generation to another.

After all, worship is caught, not taught. And what could be more at the core of our faith than learning how to worship--not only all the time, whatever we're doing--but also intentionally and in community.

The use of short and repetitive liturgy, movement, sensory experiences, and storytelling are just a few of the many intergenerational activities that can help us be together for worship.

And there's a bonus...adults benefit from what helps children learn.

Anyone else have these feelings? Anyone having strong feelings about these ideas? How would you feel if your congregation started planning services with all generations in mind (and didn't have any sort of childcare while it's happening)?

Thanks for listening, and thanks in advance for humoring me with your responses.

Children's Ministry?

2008-01-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

I'm very interested to hear everyone's thoughts on this month's topic of children's ministry, so I thought I'd share a few of mine in hopes to get things rolling.
Let me preface by saying that I am not a children's pastor and I have very limited experience in children's ministry. I am interested in this topic because 1) I'm a youth pastor, so I'm next in line to speak into these kids' lives, 2) I have small children and I care deeply about what they are being taught and 3) one of my best friends is a children's pastor. For those reasons, I allow myself to spend hours upon hours wondering, analyzing, questioning and proposing (if only to myself) changes that could be made.
I think I began by asking myself, what is it that I want my children to learn? The length of my list was overwhelming, but after I narrowed things down, I realized that my list basically consisted of all the things that I'm trying to learn for myself, i.e. wisdom, character, integrity, awareness, stewardship, etc.
Then I asked, how can we best teach them these things? I was suddenly struck by the realization that my children already possess many of the characteristics that I am trying to re-install in myself: curiosity, wonder, awarness, enthusiasm, love of life, compassion, sensitivity, gentleness, creativity, generosity, imagination, etc. Certainly these things take time to mature, but the seeds are already there and growing.
So, perhaps rather than trying to teach children, we would do better to nurture what is already inate in them. Perhaps we could learn to see the value of those characteristics, thereby teaching the children to also value them. Maybe we need only to present them with things that are good, beautiful, noble, lovely, brilliant and true, and then allow them to respond.
I am sorry to say that I don't have many practical ideas for how to go about this. I haven't been able to see first-hand any really creative, effective children's ministries. I like the idea of presenting the Bible as the narrative of one story rather than hundreds of individual unrelated stories or verses. Grasping the narrative of the Bible has proved far more beneficial to me than knowing facts and dates and being able to quote memory verses which was the emphasis of the children's ministry of my childhood.Something that I do with my own children is simply read a passage from the Bible and allow them to tell me how it speaks to them without my prodding or leading. Sometimes they say nothing at all, and I think that's okay. Other days they say things that are completely off the wall. Sometimes they get exactly what I think they should get. But I want them to trust their own ability to comprehend and interpret and not feel that they have to rely on outside interpretation to understand.
Those are a few of my thoughts at the moment. I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's ideas.

a boring thought

2007-12-26T22:10:00.001-08:00

"I'm bored."

No, not me. My 6-year old.

He's bored.

Keep in mind his room is filled with a decent supply of toys... not like mine at his age, because my parents were on the extravagant credit card kick whereas my wife and I enjoy the simplicity of debit cards instead. Nonetheless, he's doing pretty good there, has an amazing collection of books my wife (a former school teacher) passed down to him, just bought a used Gamecube with money he put away for three months, and even has a little brother (4-years old) to play with.

He's bored.

I know this because recently I was doing something productive... sleeping, I think... and he walked into the room to tell me about it.

Him: I'm bored.

Me: (something unintelligible about the price of Ice Tea at Panera)

Him: Dad? I'm bored.

Me: I'm sorry, buddy. Why are you bored?

Him: I just want to play the Gamecube but I've already played it enough for the day. Mom said I'm done.

Me: (ah... yeah... we limit him on time because he's rather obsessive about the Gamecube - especially Lego Star Wars) I know it's hard to think about something else when you want to do one thing, but you do have a lot of toys, books, and games... and then there's your brother, too.

Him: Yeah, but none of those things sound good. I'm still bored.

Me: I'm sure you'll figure it out.

And then... that was the end of the conversation. Not because I fell back asleep, but because he was forced to figure it out. Ten minutes later I walked by his room and saw him playing with his brother, sharing his Matchbox cars and making all the appropriate "vroom" noises.

He's a great kid... blows me away everyday.

I'm not a parenting expert, but something I picked up along the way is that kids need to be bored. No matter how many or little toys they may have, every kid needs to learn how to entertain themselves with a spirit of contentment. I think a big problem for my generation is that my parents bought me something new when I was bored... or worse yet, they tried to dazzle me with busyness and movies and cartoons and candy and other things instead of letting me figure it out on my own.

Now, I love my parents... even after their divorce. In fact, in two days my mom is coming to live with us (long story) and so I'll have to clue her in on the way things work around our household.

One of them being that we don't stop our kids from feeling discontent in order to discover what contentment is.

You know... kind of like how God does it with us.

How often have we found ourselves in a situation in life and asked God to remove it from us only to hear back "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9a)

God knows that in life you don't really learn how to ski until you lose your poles, and you don't really learn how to camp until your "hotel on wheels" breaks down. Maybe the reason the "poor in spirit" see Him is because they have nothing else to see.

So my encouragement for the day is to let your kids be bored until they find their way to contentment. If we let that muscle build into the the emerging generation, perhaps American consumerism will be replaced by Divine contentment in the years to come.

And maybe if that happens, we'll end up enjoyig/sharing our "toys" with the rest of our brothers (and sisters) in the world.

Saying Please

2007-12-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

I was reflecting the other day on some of the social niceties that we teach out kids - out of habit more than anything - for instance, saying "please" when we ask for something. Alfie Kohn, a well known writer on issues of parenting, education, and human behavior, has pointed out that in most cases saying please is simply a meaningless ritual, an automatic trained response, and that the only reason to teach kids to say it is because others expect and will think you rude if you don't. In other words, there is no intrinsic reason to say please. It doesn't mean anything anymore.

I was thinking about this and basically Kohn is right. In today's world "please" doesn't mean anything. In fact, if anything, we teach it to kids simply as a way of adding emphasis - "pleeeeaaase, mommy" - that it's the "magic word" which, if they say it, automatically makes it more likely that the adult will have to give in and give them what they want.

However, it wasn't always like this. At one time saying please had a very specific meaning, and it's purpose was actually the opposite of manipulating others into doing what you want. Consider the original phrase: "If you please" (from the French, si vous plait) or "if it pleases you". What does it mean to put an "if you please" on the end of a request? Well, quite literally you are acknowledging the free will of the giver and respecting their right to say no. Rather than simply demanding that another person bend to your will and give you what you (which is how most children have learned to use the word "please"), "if you please" is a way of saying "Listen, only if you want to. You don't have to and I recognize that I don't have the right to command you." In other words, in its original form saying "please" is a sign of respect for the equality and freedom of other people, and a way of recognizing their actions towards you as a gift and not an obligation.

But I doubt that many children these days would understand it as such, and that is our fault as parents as much as anything. How many of us instruct our children on why we say "please" beyond simply telling them that it's "polite" or that it's the "magic word"? I know that I hadn't thought of it in that way before nor presented it that way to my daughter either. But imagine how formative it could be to teach our children to respect others as equals and free agents, and not simply as servants intended to fulfill our every whim. Imagine what it would be like to teach our children to treat receive everything in life as a gift and not simply as an entitlement. Hopefully some of us already are. I know it's something I want to do better and more consistently. Perhaps explaining the true meaning of "please" is a good place to start.

Christmas Consumerism...can it be avoided?

2007-12-19T16:10:00.000-08:00

How do we keep Christmas from being a holiday of over-consumption? This is the question that has been on mind. The challenge has become even more poignant because my two year old son is really excited about presents. He is excited to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and birthdays mean two things: cake and presents. I started explaining to him about Advent and the Advent house that we have to help our family countdown to Christmas and celebrate Jesus’ birthday. All of the sudden it struck me how non-sensical it all is! My son gets a little present everyday because Jesus is having a birthday? I have been caught- the consumer mindset has taken over Christmas. Even though we have told the grandparents “only three presents, please”—the struggle to keep Christmas to be more than shopping is real.

The tension tears at me because I love to give gifts. Yet my hope is to raise children who are as excited to give as to receive. I love the wonder and excitement of Christmas morning but I don’t what it to be all about presents. I want to nurture and display generosity but not materialism. I think Christmas is for fun and sometimes ‘luxurious’ giving. The challenge is to eliminate the stuff and to put the gift back into giving.

How can I help my two year old give to Jesus? A true gift- like the gift of the ham that the Herdmans left for the baby Jesus at the end of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (my favorite Christmas story of all time).

I like the idea of reclaiming Santa and brining back the story of St. Nicholas. Santa is not really evil. A friend told me of a Christmas Mass where Santa shows up to bring the baby Jesus a gift. Tim and I aren’t going to tell our kids that Santa is real but the story of a man who surprises boys and girls with presents is an example of generosity. Our Santa will give gifts whether or not they have been naughty or nice. God loves you so you get presents ? It is not by my merit that God gives me good or bad things.

Christmas will always include gift giving but I am hoping to avoid over- consumption. As my young family begins to make Christmas traditions of our own I want Advent and Christmas to be full of wonder, surprise and generosity. Santa can come along for the ride.

Resources we are enjoying this year: CD Andrew Peterson Behold the Lamb of God, book: God with Us edited by Gregory Wolfe

Pondering the Nativity

2007-12-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

submitted by Emily Varner -

Mention “Christmas traditions” and something within me freaks. Tie myself down to one way of doing things forever? Start a routine that’s only remembered when I forget it? Not me. Yet as parents, we’ve all discovered the necessity of repetition in teaching our children about the things we value. This very idea of formation by repetition informs the ancient liturgical practices so many are rediscovering. Our Christmas decorating this year uncovered a simple, natural expression of Advent that I hope can become a part of our Christmas memories as a family.

Somehow I’ve received as gifts nativity sets enough for each room of our small house. The bedroom dressers, end table, kitchen windowsill and computer hutch each have at least the basic characters: Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Most have more. My favorite is a hollowed-out coconut with tiny, featureless wooden figures glued inside. Most, however, are the glass-figure, dollar-store variety, each figure looking particularly reverent and somber. Turning most of these into additional props for my daughter Elinor’s daily play has me mulling over Advent aloud with her, and silently within.

It’s mostly about presence and mindfulness, of course. The constant visual reminder of where we stand in the church year and the tactile prompt to talk about it are vital given the other Christmas messages vying for my attention.

The other day Elinor and I discovered a crèche just right for her dresser, which she can currently just barely reach the top of. Resisting my urge to set up the scene myself, I decided to sit back and watch.

She sets up a scene unlike any storybook picture I have ever seen. Joseph in the distance, looking at Jesus straight-on; Mary and one of the wise men kneeling with heads together; the other two wise men, backs to Mary and Jesus, looking south.

My unsuspecting daughter has just laid out for me a meditation; I study it like an icon. Joseph thinks to himself, “You know, he still looks just like any other baby.” Mary listens to the wise man’s travel tales, holding them in her heart. Maybe some night when Jesus is having trouble getting to sleep, she’ll tell him the story. The other magi discuss what they’ve found. How can this be a royal family? They’re poor fugitives, on the run from their country’s ruler. They muse together. I muse too. Where am I meant to recognize the face of God in my day? Perhaps in similarly unlikely places.

The baby Jesus figures spend a good bit of time away from their scene because Elin has taken to them like baby dolls. Often I find them dwarfed by the doll high chair, and often she tells me “Baby Jesus crying.” We talk about why he might cry. Is he tired? Hungry? Does he need his mommy? I delight in subtly confronting the Docetic view that “the little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes.” And Elinor’s compassion prompts a prayer that she would always desire to dry the tears of those who cry.

The idea of tradition still scares me, inducing premature guilt over failing to live up to my expectations. But I hope that yearly I’m at least able to manage getting out the crèches, and that in years to come our play and talking about the holy family will be a recurring holiday memory that shapes the imagination and action of my children.

Advent Resource

2007-12-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

Troy Bronsink let me know about a great new advent resource for parents. This site they created has good ideas for observing advent with kids as well as creative and meaningful DIY related projects. As we reflect on the holidays here I recommend checking out this site.

Wrath vs. Love

2007-12-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

This is is obviously not about Holidays...
I was just listening to Jim Wallis, on "Speaking of Faith" portray his parents urgency for him to be saved at an early age of 6. He retold the story of an evangelist coming to tell him and other children that if Jesus returned their parents would go to Heaven while the children, who have not repeated the "sinner's prayer," will go to Hell.
Where is the God of love (incidentally Wallis ' mother instilled that belief of God) in a story of children burning in Hell?
My wife and I are struggling to learn how to discipline our children without anger and prideful, egotistic demands of obedience. I cannot believe God reacts to us and our children with those emotions and legalities...
I want my children to love, not fear and mistrust.
How?

December Theme - Holidays

2007-12-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

During the month of December we will be focusing on holidays here at Emerging Parents. This is wide open to allow reflections on Christmas, Advent, or whatever Holiday you celebrate this month. We would love to hear personal stories, traditions, thoughts on consumerism and gift giving, ways to make the season meaningful to kids, resources you have found helpful, or whatever comes to mind. Many of us are attempting to work out how to be intentional in how we celebrate holidays and would appreciate learning from others.

There are a few people signed up already to post this month (see the list here), but we could use more contributors. So even if you just have a question you would like to pose to the group or a short advent reflection that you used with your kids, go ahead and post it.

I look forward to learning from everyone this month.

Sin, Discipline, and Vengeance

2007-11-21T15:56:00.000-08:00

In reading recently about discipline for home and school, I was struck by how our conception of sin influences how we approach discipline. Granted some sort of connection seems obvious, but I was intrigued by the difference it made in whether behavior and discipline became an individual or communal thing.

In the traditions I have been exposed to sin is viewed as an individual action. You commit a specific act - break a specific rule and you have committed a sin. Sin is a concrete thing that you (individual you) do. It is a very self-oriented/ it's all about me sort of thing. The focus is on what I have done wrong and then on how God will either punish or forgive me. I must repent of those sins for my own sake. I choose not to sin based on the reward or punishment I will receive. I ask - Will this send me to hell? Will this hurt my prayer life? Will this get me to heaven?

If sin is viewed less as concrete acts, but more as a state of the heart the issue becomes communal instead of individual. If being in sin means having a broken relationship with God or with others (failing to love God and love others with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength), the focus is shifted away from ourselves. Instead of focusing on ourselves, we put God and others before ourselves. Their needs and feeling become what is important. We choose not to sin because we care about God and others - we don't want to cause them pain. Caring for others is a value that is then upheld and the basis for the good things one does.

But the self-centered view of sin is what dominates our churches, homes, and schools. Children are not taught to care for others or to be aware of their needs. They are instead encouraged to make sure their own butt is covered and to tattle when others perform a wrong action. Instead of being encouraged to love misbehaving kids, understand why they acted out or made a mistake, and help them find solutions, our kids are forced to view these kids as bad examples who must be punished and ridiculed. The messages of love, humility, and compassion are ignored in a discipline structure where it's every man for himself. Why do we ignore Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others"?

One of the worst examples of this is how our modern Christian culture has taken a Bible passage originally intended to help restore relationships and made it a mandate for personal vendetta. The whole "eye for an eye" concept severely restricted vengeance back in the day. It called for a one for one exchange instead of the typical escalation of violence common back then (you killed my friend, so I will kill your friend, then your friend kill my friends, then my friends... until whoever is bigger, more powerful, or just more numerous wins). So instead of dragging a whole tribe into a petty argument and disturbing the peace (as well as economics, agriculture, the lives of all the innocents) vengeance was restricted. But even when Jesus' words are completely ignored (Matthew 5:38-39 "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."), this passage is taken as justification or a mandate to harm others instead of a way to help control violence and maintain peace. It become about getting our need for vengeance satisfied and not about loving others.

So if I want to take the Great Commandment seriously ('Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself) I need to examine if that is the message I am sending in how I talk about sin and in how I discipline. If my desire is for Emma to be a person who loves God and loves others, are the things I say to her and the ways I discipline her serving to achieve that end? If not, am I willing to sacrifice habits, rote responses, and what may be easy in order to change?
(this has been reposted from my blog onehandclapping)

Rethinking Discipline Part 2

2007-11-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

A couple commenters have asked for some practical examples of gentle discipline (or compassionate parenting or empathic parenting or whatever you want to call it). I don't think there's one right way of doing it. I think that as long as you are respectful of both your child and yourself and allow yourself to be guided by love, you'll be in good shape. For a lot of people, that's all they need to know and without reading any expert books on the topic, they practice gentle discipline as naturally as breathing air.

For others, however, like myself, who have never had gentle discipline modeled for them, there is a learning curve, and it can take a lot of practice as well as continued awareness of one's attitudes, beliefs and feelings in any given situation to remain committed to the principles of compassionate parenting.

Many of the suggestions below are taken directly from the book Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser, specifically from the chapter titled Moving Beyond Punishment. I've also drawn from ideas on the site Empathic Parenting, the website of Lisa Stroyan, a parenting coach and contributor to the book Adventures in Gentle Discipline by Hilary Flower. Also, my daughter's only 3 years old, so some of the examples I offer are more applicable to very young children.

1. Honoring the Impulse--This is the tool I fall back on the most and usually first. I can't tell you what a paradigm shift it was for me when I realized that when my toddler daughter was doing things I didn't want her to (i.e., banging on stuff, throwing stuff, hitting, running away, doing the opposite of what I asked--you get the picture), it wasn't because she was being naughty but because her toddler self had not yet developed a level of impulse control to my adult satisfaction. What I needed to remind myself was that the impulse behind the behavior was not bad but perfectly natural and an important part of development and learning. For example, banging on stuff is a natural way of learning through her senses. Hitting may be her way of trying to communicate anger. Doing the opposite of what I ask may be an expression of her need to assert independence. Here's a quote from Becoming the Parent You Want to Be:

"In the midst of children's challenging, difficult behavior, it is worthwhile to ask: 'What's the impulse that's behind this behavior?' 'Is there something my child is working on that I can support, even as I help her adjust or change her behavior?'"

2. Redirection--This goes hand in hand with honoring the impulse because if our child is behaving in a way that is not appropriate (i.e., dangerous, destructive, etc.) merely honoring the impulse isn't enough. Their behavior needs to be redirected so that their impulse can be acted on in a way that is more acceptable, and so that the child knows that we value what they are interested in. For example, if my daughter starts splashing the water from her glass and making a mess, I can honor her impulse ("Looks like you want to play with water" instead of "Oh, honey, stop! You're making a mess!") and then redirect ("You can help me wash these dishes" or "Would you like to take a bath?"). We won't ALWAYS find an appropriate alternative to redirect a child's impulse or interest, but the more we try, the more likely we'll get better at it, and the more our kids will feel that we truly care about their interests.

3. Time-together instead of time-outs--I've noticed that when my daughter is being difficult, it's because she has a need that is not being met and she doesn't yet have the ability to communicate this to me constructively. I know some folks may roll their eyes and think, "Yeah, right. She NEEDS to be a brat and have her own way, right?" Actually, I don't think she's a brat for wanting her own way. It's a natural part of being her age. Who doesn't want their own way? At least she's being honest about it. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I want to just scream at her to shut up and leave me the hell alone because I can't figure out what the heck it is she needs. It's usually times like that when she needs my presence and focused attention the most. Sometimes she just needs a really long hug and to have her hair stroked. Sometimes she just wants me to be in the room with her as she plays. It's times like these when I have to remember that my daughter's need for my attention is a very valid need.

4. Put yourself into your child's shoes--Sometimes our kids may appear to be misbehaving because we just don't know where they're coming from. If we can pause to put ourselves into their shoes, we may be able to see that their behavior is just their way of communicating a need. If we believe that our kids are doing the best they can with what they've got and where they're at (developmentally, physically, emotionally, etc.) then we're more likely to empathize with them, figure out what their unmet needs are and hopefully meet those needs if possible.

There are many other suggestions that can make gentle discipline effective. I'm just listing these four suggestions here, but there are some good resources online that I'll list at the end of this post.

Let's take just these four suggestions and put them together in a hypothetical situation. Let's say that my daughter Cadence and I have been having a grand ole time at the playground on a Saturday afternoon. I work full-time outside the home, so these times are important to both of us. When it's almost time to leave, I can tell Cadence that we'll be leaving in five minutes. I may ask her, "Do you want to play on the slides or the swings before we leave?" After a couple minutes, I may tell her, "Ok, five more times down the slide and we have to go pick up Daddy." Each time she comes down the slide, we'll count together. On the last slide, I'll give her one more reminder that this will be the last time before we leave.

When she comes down the slide the last time, I'll offer my hand and say, "Let's go pick up Daddy at Trader Joe's!" Cadence may yell, "NO!" and run away from me. Instead of telling her, "Cadence, I gave you plenty of warning that we'd have to leave, so now let's GO!" I can Put Myself Into Her Shoes and remember that this is the first time all week that she's had Mama at the playground, and so it's understandable that she doesn't want to leave. Heck, what kid wants to leave when they're having fun? So I can Honor Her Impulse to keep on playing and having fun and say, "Looks like you're having fun and don't want to leave. We were really having a good time, weren't we?" Then I can Redirect and say, "Can you think of something fun we can do together as a family after we pick up Daddy from work, all three of us?" If she still refuses to go, I can say, "Looks like you're having a hard time leaving on your own. Will you walk with me, or should I carry you?" If she refuses to walk on her own, I will carry her off the playground to the car. This is when Cadence may just lose it and start screaming and kicking and hitting. Instead of thinking, "Oh, goodness gracious, what a BRAT!" I'll try again to Put Myself Into Her Shoes and realize that as a 3 year old, it's extremely maddening to be physically limited (by being carried) on TOP of being made to leave a fun situation. By this time, she may be in total meltdown mode, and I will give her some Time Together and hold her (if she'll let me), stroke her hair, and let her continue to work out her tantrum. If she won't let me hold her or tries to run away, I will carry her (best I can) to the car and put her in the carseat or take her somewhere else safe until she is done.

Okay, so maybe the various strategies didn't prevent a tantrum in this situation, and I wasn't able to find an acceptable alternative to redirect her screaming/hitting/kicking etc. However, by being respectful and truly caring about my daughter's experience of the situation, by showing my daughter that I was really trying to understand her, by not belittling her feelings (however trivial they may seem to me, they're important to her) and by staying with her when she was at her "worst" and remaining calm, my daughter's security in our relationship remains intact, and she knows that I love her and care about her and no matter what she does, I will NOT withhold my love. At the same time, by placing limits when necessary, I can still be firm and teach her about things I will not allow her to do because they are harmful to herself or to others. The relationship part is so important though, for the long run. I mean, when they're 3 or 4, the choices for their "rebellion" are quite limited. Yeah, they can throw food everywhere and be a holy terror on the playground. What I'm thinking about is when my daughter is a teenager and has her own drivers license. Or in college. By establishing a loving and attached relationship from the beginning, I believe that I'm increasing my chances that my daughter will WANT to do the right things because she loves me and doesn't want to make my life miserable. Hopefully, by having a loving relationship, it'll be easier to teach her about things like compassion, mercy, justice, responsibility, etc. so that she'll develop SELF discipline and do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because someone's watching to punish or reward her. I don't think this is too far off from God wanting us to obey and serve him out of love, not out of drudgery or guilt or duty.

A word on tantrums. I don't think that you can always avoid the Total Meltdowns. In fact, I think that temper tantrums are necessary and can be an indication that the child is working through something. I know that a lot of experts and pediatricians say to ignore kids when they are having a tantrum or else they'll keep throwing tantrums to get attention. I don't agree with this, especially for younger children. Ignoring children, especially when they are very young, teaches them that their feelings don't matter. Sometimes, I think the best thing to do is to provide a safe place for the child to have their tantrum and to stay with them (keeping them safe from being destructive to property or to themselves). I highly encourage reading this article regarding temper tantrums, which goes into these ideas in more details:
Cry for Connection: A Fresh Approach to Tantrums by Patty Wipfler. It's a long article, but I would read it all the way through. It'll take a load off your back, especially if you are a parent who absolutely dreads temper tantrums.

Also, if your child is tired, hungry, sick, or has some other basic physical need that is not being met, all bets are off...

For more suggestions on gentle discipline/empathic parenting, I highly recommend the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. If you don't have time to read, get the DVD. My husband and I have watched it numerous times, when we needed affirmation and inspiration.

Here are also some good articles from Lisa Stroyan's Empathic Parenting website:
My Discipline Goals and Beliefs
Strategies for Handling Conflict with Toddlers
Respectful Discipline Tools (lots of good suggestions in this one)

I apologize for the wordiness of this post and for my inability to organize paragraphs. Fact is, I've only touched the surface on this topic, but it's something I care deeply about because I really do believe that compassionate and peaceful parenting CAN change the world.

P.S. My daughter and I had a traumatic experience tonight that involved an hour on the potty, a lot of clinging and screaming and wailing(on her part) as well as confusion, self-doubt and helplessness (on my part). Truly, I no longer measure success in the LACK of such experiences and situations, but rather in how my daughter and I feel about each other afterwards. If I didn't, I would've thrown in the towel on this stuff a long time ago.

Rethinking Discipline

2007-11-16T06:40:00.000-08:00

If we really believe that the message of Jesus Christ has the power to transform our lives and the world, then it makes perfect sense to me to apply these teachings to how we parent and discipline. I'm no theologian, but my understanding of Jesus' core message is that of radical love and mercy and compassion and freedom, a message that has subversively transformative powers. The kingdom of God turns our world upside down, and it should turn our parenting world upside down as well, if it hasn't already.

The Jews in Jesus' day had all these laws and regulations that they had to follow to maintain their membership in the Righteous Club. The Pharisees were among the few who followed the letter of the law to the last detail, but Jesus called them white-washed tombs because their hearts did not match their outward deeds. Do we want to raise our kids to be Pharisees? Always in line and following all the rules (as long as someone's watching) to avoid punishment and to be praised for their good behavior, but inwardly devoid of love and justice and goodness and mercy and compassion? Just as Jesus didn't come to abolish the law but to call us to a deeper and higher standard*—having inward righteousness as well as outward—why should our standards for our kids be different? Why feel smug if our kids grow up to be well-behaved and well-mannered, who say "thank you" and "please" and "excuse me," who don't interrupt when a grown-up is speaking, who follow all the rules at school and home and church, never rock the boat. Will such kids be willing to befriend and stick up for the ones at school who are being bullied or ostracized for being a different color, for being gay, for being poor, for being disabled, for being clumsy, for being different in any way from the mainstream? Will such kids pass a homeless person on the street and be filled with compassion or will they not even notice or just be embarrassed?

If we apply the message of the kingdom to the way we discipline our children so that they will be molded from the inside and for the long-term, what would that look like? This is something I hope we can discuss, and I offer here a few of my own thoughts. [Some of these paragraphs seem kind of jumbled, which is why I'm putting them in bullet form, so I apologize in advance.]

I think we first have to reexamine our attitude towards/assumptions about children. Do we see children as people worthy of respect and dignity? Do we think that children have a natural tendency to misbehave unless they are kept in line with an iron hand? Do we view children as lesser citizens in God's kingdom? I think Jesus was pretty clear about how he felt about children. He welcomed them with open arms and declared that the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. If we keep that in mind, we'll probably think twice before we belittle or disrespect a child.
It also would be helpful to keep in mind that we are also children of God and to think of how God disciplines us. I don't know about you all, but God didn't win my heart with time-outs or spankings. It was his gentleness and mercy during those times I deserved most to be punished that really melted my heart. Alfie Kohn writes in his book Unconditional Parenting that it is when kids are behaving at their worst that they need most to be loved. I've witnessed the truth of this in my own life with my 3 year old daughter.
I believe in gentle, compassionate discipline that is respectful and mindful of the child's body, mind, spirit, personality and developmental readiness. I believe that the goal of discipline is to teach, not to modify or control undesirable behavior. I also believe that the best medium for effective discipline is a loving relationship with our child that is based on trust, unconditional love and acceptance, compassion and respect.
I don't believe that gentle discipline means weak discipline. In fact, based on Jesus' teachings, I believe the opposite to be true. I believe that you CAN be firm and provide guidance, but that doing so gently and lovingly and humbly has more power to teach a life lesson than using harsh punishment or one's greater size/strength to enforce compliance. I don't believe that gentle discipline equates to sparing the rod, but to me that rod signifies the guidance of a shepherd's staff, not an instrument of physical punishment.
Many parents may use discipline as a way to make children do as they are told, to "behave," and I wouldn't be surprised if those children grow up to have a warped view of God. I think Jesus calls his followers to a higher and deeper practice of discipline, one that is based on gentleness and humility--not power; mercy and compassion--not severity; trust--not control; respect--not shame; freedom--not coercion; unconditional love--not conditional rejection.

*My thoughts on Jesus' calling us to a higher and deeper standard come from The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian McLaren.

The Future of Our Movement

2007-11-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share this quote with folks here for your reflections and reactions:

"The future of our movement may be less in convincing the established system that we are legitimate, and more so in showing our spouses and children that we represent a genuine alternative to the hypocrisy we're frequently critical of. If emergent really is this generous spirit of change and hope, it should be obvious to our household." —Zach Roberts

Setting Your Children Up to Succeed

2007-11-10T04:41:00.000-08:00

When I told my kids that I had volunteered to write a blog post about discipline, all three burst out in laughter. That's probably not a good sign. My husband and I have been called "very relaxed parents" by a friend who was trying to put a positive spin on what he saw as our ridiculously lax discipline. I chose to take that as a complement. We aren't the kind of parents who yell a lot, we don't grab our kids by their arms and shake our fingers in their faces, and we absolutely never hit our children. But that doesn't mean we don't have a method of discipline. We do--we do our best to set our children up to succeed.

For example, when our kids were toddlers, we didn't take them to nice restaurants where they had to sit in a chair for a long time and eat food they didn't like. When we did take them to places where they had to be quiet and still, we made sure they had quiet things to do and snacks. And we kept our eye on them, and scooped them up and moved on when we saw signs that their patience was running out, BEFORE the meltdown happened.

This method had one main benefit: from the beginning, we tended to enjoy being around our kids. We weren't anxious or tense around them when they were little in large part because we spent very little time trying to make them behave. We put them in situations where they could behave well, and when they couldn't, we took them out of the situation, gave them a break, let them run around outside and blow off steam, let them take a nap, let them have a snack.

I still smile when I remember our three-year-old twins having races on the sidewalk outside a wonderful Japanese restaurant in Berkeley, in between the courses of a very long dinner with my aunt and cousins. At first, my husband took the kids outside, but by their second or third race, the various adult relatives wanted to go too, and some of them joined in the race. My hunch was they needed a break too.

I am constantly amazed at how often parents around me fail to set their kids up to succeed. Airplanes are a great example. It is really hard to take a little kid on a long airplane flight, so you have to get prepared. You have to bring books, toys, markers and paper, and lots and lots of snacks. If you don't, you kid will start to entertain herself by annoying you, kicking the seat in front of her, etc. And then you start threatening her, telling everyone who will listen how impossible she is, etc. I have no sympathy for the parent in this case, and lots of sympathy for the kid. Why not set her up to succeed instead of setting her up to fail?

Maybe it sounds like I give my kids too much control. Maybe it sounds like I haven't really let them know who's the boss. I choose to think of it this way: from the time my kids were little, I let them know that our family is a team. We're not competing against each other and there aren't winners and losers. We're all on the same side, and we are all going to succeed together. That has built a kind of "esprit de corps" in our family that now exerts a very strong persuasive influence on my kids. They enjoy being around us, and even as they teeter on the edge of adolescence, we still really enjoy being around them. As a result, I can now see that sense of connection and empathy which is such a core part of my parenting is in them too.

On Discipline: Some Thoughts

2007-11-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

John Wilmot (1647–1680) was the 2nd Earl of Rochester, a poet, and a friend of King Charles II. He once opined, ‘Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories’. Not a few of us parents know how he feels, and that not least when it comes to the vexed question of discipline. When I only had a dog, I was an ‘expert’ on parenting, and made sure as many parents as I knew understood what a great resource they had in me. But now I’m a dad of an actual person - a person (like me) with a will of their own; and I’ve now lost count of how many times I've said to my 18-month-old daughter, ‘That’s not your draw … you know that’s not your draw’, or ‘No, BooBoo (my affectionate name for her), I asked you not to touch that’.

In a post (or even an entire monograph) one cannot say everything that could – or perhaps even should – be said about discipline, though one must say something, while being encouraged that the conversation that we enter on this issue goes back a long way (and may it continue). Tell me that Cain and Abel’s folks didn’t have a few chats about it! That said, with so many opinions, agendas, fears and practices that abound, one does embark on any public discussion of parental discipline with a certain amount of trepidation. Suffice it to say that despite the passion that erupts in some parents on this issue, and despite the reality that there may indeed be some models that are better for some kids (and parents/carers) than others no one model is best in every situation. We not only all cook lasagne differently, we all parent, and discipline, differently. This is not to suggest, however, that all lasagne recipes are equally good.

In his delightful book A Little Child Shall Lead Them: Hopeful Parenting in a Confused World, Johann Christoph Arnold, reminds us that in an age when discipline of any kind is regarded by many as physical abuse, it is tempting to dismiss wholesale the Old Testament proverb about sparing the rod and spoiling the child. (Indeed, one of the most helpful books that I have ever read on parenting – though it is not directly about parenting – is Join Up in which Monty Roberts suggests that the rod in question here is that of the fishing kind). Arnold suggests that even if we reject physical punishment (which, incidently, he does not), we can find sound wisdom in other proverbs, and he cites 19:19: ‘Reprove your child, for in this there is hope’. The reason: Whenever children are conscious of having done something wrong and there are no consequences, they learn that they can get away with it. ‘It is a terrible thing’, he writes, ‘for a child to get that message. With younger ones, the issue might seem unimportant; their misdeed may actually be small, but the lessons they learn will have repercussions far into the future’. Discipline so conceived is essentially a positive thing. Moreover, it has goal; namely, to nurture a child’s will for the good.

With our 18-month-old, after it is established that she really is being naughty (and there is not some other reason for her behaviour) the good old ‘time out’ (or threat of) seems to do the trick most of the time. Hopefully it will for many years yet. It enables us to be assertive, and to clearly follow through when a threat has been made, and ignored. That said, parenting (like good lasagna making) requires creativity too, and that no less in matters of discipline. In his sapient book, The Secret of Happy Children, family therapist and parenting author Steve Biddulph devotes a chapter to the issue of being assertive (as opposed to aggressive) parents. Assertive parents, he contends, are ‘those who are clear, firm, determined and, on the inside, confident and relaxed. Their children learn that what Mum and Dad says goes but, at the same time, that they will not be treated with put-downs or humiliation’. He also suggests that it is not a skill we are born with so much as one we can take time (if we will) to learn. He summarises:

Be clear in your own mind. It’s not a request; it’s not open to debate: it’s a demand which you have a right to make, and the child will benefit from learning to carry it out.

Make good contact. Stop what you are doing, go up close to the child and get her/him to look at you. Don’t give the instruction until s/he looks at you.

Be clear. Say, ‘I want you to … now. Do you understand?’ Make sure you get a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.

If they do not obey, repeat the command. Do not discuss, reason, get angry or scared. Breathe slowly and deeply so that you become calmer. What you are signalling to the child is that you are willing to persist on this one and not even get upset about it. This is the key step, and what matters most is what you don’t do. You don’t enter into debate or argument, you don’t get heated, you simply repeat the demand to the child.

Stay close if there is any chance that the child will not carry out the task fully. When the task is completed (say, putting away toys), then don’t make much of this either. Simply say, ‘Good,’ and smile briefly!

It seems to me that one of the most important things to remember with whatever form of discipline is employed is that one be not only persistent but also consistent (and this extends to backing up your partner; if you disagree with their call, talk about it later, in private). Again, Arnold: ‘Aside from creating confusion in a child’s mind, inconsistency also prevents the formation of the boundaries that every young child needs. Even though he may resist at the beginning, he will thrive on routines once they are established’.

It also seems to me that one’s disciplining will only ever be productive if our kids feel our love as strongly as they feel our desire to correct them. Isn’t this precisely the way it is with God whose discipline of his people always occurs within the context of his covenant love for them, a covenant that is unilateral and so not ultimately threatened by our rebellion. In other words, discipline is effective when it takes place in the context of a pre-existing relationship of love and trust. Which is why it’s basically futile for absent parents to try and discipline. And which is why at the heart of any discussion of discipline must be the reality of forgiveness. Forgiveness for our children … and for their parents. True discipline is never an end in itself. It never shames, but always liberates. Its goal is always redemptive, always reconciliatory, always freeing, always hopeful, always manifesting the triumph of grace. Only in the context of grace are we set free to love our kids enough to discipline them for their good, and are they set free to be the people they were created to be.

Image: Rembrandt, ‘Reconciliation Between David and Absalom’, 1642. The Hermitage, St. Petersburg.

November - Discipline

2007-11-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

During the month of November here at Emerging Parents we will be focusing on the topic of discipline. From theological reflections, to practical advice, to funny stories we will hear from a variety of perspectives on the topic. I'm sure that we will disagree at times, but I hope we can all be open to learning from each other.

To view the posting schedule for the month and to find out when you are slated to post, click here. There are still openings for posting if anyone else wants to offer their thoughts or stories.

But to start off in our discussion of discipline, I thought it might be helpful for us to reflect on the structures of discipline we grew up with. How were you disciplined as a child by family, teachers, pastors, etc.? What impressions did such discipline make on you as you grew up?