Emersyn's Paige

Happy 18th Birthday Emersyn

2026-09-16T16:49:43.121-04:00

Dearest Emersyn,

Today, you are officially an adult. You are eighteen years old. I can't believe it.

I am sure this would have been your first year at university, wowing the world with your ideas, inspiration, and your unique self. You are doing that in your own way, from the other side, and your impact continues to be powerful and lasting. I was telling Callum yesterday that I parent 3 of you all in different ways but with the same love.

I felt angry today driving to buy your flowers on the way to the cemetery. Angry that for all these years this is how we spend your birthday and no one but other bereaved parents can understand this feeling. It’s like feeling trapped but even if I could get out it won’t change the fact that you have missed all of these years. How do I explain to non bereaved parents that I asked AI to share with me what you would look like at 18? I can’t explain it as this journey can only be lived to understand how much it transforms you.

What will happen when we are no longer here to carry on your legacy? Where will I find you?

That is the question I asked my dear lifelong childhood best friend, Deanna, while standing in my kitchen on a winter night in 2009. We were talking quietly on the phone while you slept nearby. I remember desperately asking her, What will I do when she is gone? Where will I find her? I have learned the answer over these years.

I find you in special people and in the many places and moments that make life feel authentic and real. In the beautiful sunrise yesterday morning, there you were. In the empathy and compassion of your siblings, there you are. In the deep ache that allows me to connect with the pain of others, there you appear bringing grace and encouragement to every circumstance. In the way your sister Isla connects with horses instantly I feel your presence.

I am lucky to have the best of the best people who are my family and friends that help us to carry your legacy. Deanna is one of those people where I find you, Emersyn.

With Deanna’s blessing, I want to share a little about her today, on your 18th birthday, September 16th the day you brought your light to Earth at around 2:00pm on a Tuesday afternoon. The afternoon I felt invincible and certain I had just done the greatest thing I will ever do and it was.

Deanna and I have grown up together since we were nine years old. We went to the same elementary school and high school, and then geography took us in different directions for a few years but we always knew we were only a phone call away. Through our twenties and all the years since, we have always remained connected by heart and there when we needed one another most. The kind of friend who you may not talk to for ages but you pick up right where you left off no judgement just understanding, love and laughter lots of laughter! The kind of friend where words are not needed.

Deanna was there in the weeks after you were born, before any of us knew that you had SMA, back when life still felt more predictable and innocent. She was also one of the cherished people who was there after you passed away sitting with us in that quiet hospital room, comforting us and honouring you. At your funeral, over Easter weekend in April of 2009, I asked Deanna to bring some kind of bunny for us to bury with you. She arrived with seven bunnies, a variety of chocolate, stuffed, and ceramic all because she wanted to make absolutely sure you had just the right one.

That is Deanna. All heart and loyal to the end.

When I see a sign from you, Emersyn, Deanna is one of the people I tell. She knew you. She believes that your spirit and your impact continue to touch and help people every single day.

This summer, Deanna received a diagnosis of breast cancer. It was a terrible shock for her, her family, and all of us who love her. And somehow, Emersyn, you continue to give strength in these difficult times. Deanna draws resilience from your story and finds comfort in believing that you are watching over her and walking beside her through this which I know is true. In the moments I can’t always be there, there you are.

Her resilience and strength throughout this journey have shone through. A village of loved ones are supporting Deanna just as she has helped so many people over the years through the most challenging times. She has made authentic connections throughout her life and touched so many hearts along the way and when I look at Deanna, I see you, Emersyn.

I see the kindness.
I see the humour

I see the compassion

I see the strength
I see the joy alongside the pain.

I see how much she loves her kids the same way I love you guys.

And once again, I find myself thinking about that question I asked Deanna on that winter night in 2009, standing in my kitchen and speaking in a whisper while you slept nearby.

Where will I find you?

I find you over and over again.

I find you in life.
I find you in the people I love.
I find you in the people whose lives you have touched.

And Deanna is one of those people.

She carries a piece of you. She sees you. She remembers you. Deanna knows that today my heart is half here on earth and half in heaven searching for you. As she faces this difficult chapter she still makes space and time for you. I see you in her light and tenacity and I know I will find you right where she is. Deanna makes people feel like she gets it like she is almost living it herself, this is a rare gift.

So today, on your 18th birthday, I am thinking about how much you have taught us here on earth and how that light continues to find its way into our lives during our darkest times.

Happy 18th birthday, Emersyn.

I will never stop trying to find you and I know I will keep finding you in the people I love most like Deanna. Thank-you Auntie Deanna for being one of Emersyn's people and for being you. Emersyn is right beside you on this difficult journey.

Love you for eternity Emersyn, thank-you for watching over the people I love most.

Love,

Mom

Grief lives here..

2026-04-07T14:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Emersyn,

I can talk to you anytime, and if I ask, you will appear in my dreams. That is what I have been told about losing you. I have not seen you in my dreams since you were alive, and I am not sure why. Today marks 17 years since you passed away on a Tuesday that had morning snow in April just like we did today. I have lived since then, but so differently than I would have if you were here. It is hard to believe you would be turning 18 this year. I can’t let grief take me under, because I have your incredible siblings here who need me. But I also need to connect with you as a parent’s love does not stop when our children die.

Life has been too busy with work, kids’ sports, and balancing a few too many commitments. I have not made time for grief in a while. One might think that after 17 years, the need to make time for grief is not as essential as it was on April 7th 2009, and in those early days, weeks, months, and years we endured right after you passed. What I have learned is that today, perhaps even more than in those early times, it is essential that I make time for grief. To let her in, to welcome her, to offer her kindness, and listen to what she has to say. She sits with me, and we let out a heavy sigh that lingers, as if it might clear the air. I try to name what I’m feeling at that moment. Oftentimes, I can’t, so I describe it instead, heavy like a weighted blanket on my body. An overwhelming sense of disbelief washes over me when I try to process that you were here for eight months, and now you are gone.

My eyes and heart feel heavy; the fatigue of grief is real. The anger and frustration that have been bubbling for weeks have their roots right here. You would think I would remember that the anticipation and buildup to this day can be harder than the day itself. These wise words were once shared with me by another bereaved parent, and I know them well. I even share them with others when needed, yet my body resets and follows the same pattern every year, the buildup, the day itself, and the recovery.

This is also true for holidays, for your birthday, and for so many moments in between. It requires a great deal of emotional and physical energy. When I ignore it, as I have been lately, my sleep is disrupted. I become more irritable. I feel stuck and weighed down. So I let her in. I give her warmth and ask her to sit with me for a while, knowing that grief lives here too, this is her home. She was born out of love and is the lifeline between me and you, Emersyn. I ran from her for a long time, seeking help from anyone I thought could provide relief from this unimaginable pain. I don’t know exactly when I befriended her, but over time, trust was built, and grief became an aching, essential part of my heart.

Steven Kalas wrote an analogy of grief that I connected to right away in the early years of grief. Here are some of his words that I carry with me…

“Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that. The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it’.

You and grief together can begin to compose hope.

You don’t get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.

You don’t want to get over it. Don’t act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child’s life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you’d fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that.

The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it.

Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it,surprised each time that it’s still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything.

The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it. But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life.

You learn to play that piano. You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope. Who’da thought?

Your grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you’re 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child’s life mattered.

You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play”.

Today I invited grief back home. She never really left, I was just too busy to share space with her. For me there is not a day that my grief is not with me. So I sit down, invite her in, and together we play the piano for you, Emersyn, composing a song of love, hope, and sacredness that binds us together, always.

I love you and miss you so much Emersyn.

Love,

Mom

17

2025-09-16T14:11:00.004-04:00

Emersyn is 17 years old today. I remember thinking the same thing on the day she was born and on the day she died - the world needs to stop and honour our beautiful girl. The world has continued at a rapid rate since her passing in 2009 and the cliche of “times flies” is all the more real with each passing birthday, angel date or regular day when the waves and truth of grief show up. When I was at her spot this morning where she was laid to rest, I asked for something out loud that I needed help with. A few minutes later I got in my car to leave the cemetery and the phone rang and my request had come true. There it was - the knowing and trust that she will find me on these days because I am counting on her to lift the veil and almost touch my shoulder so I don’t slide too far down in my grief. I needed that message this morning and in true first child form she found me clear as a bell with her assurance and help. Would I have asked for this help had I not created space for mourning today…..I don’t think she would have found me in the same way.

Everywhere we look in our new world the pace is fast. In a world of chat GBT and the rapid speed at which we can receive support and answers, I find the art of thoughtfulness and expression has been impacted. I feel that I have permission to talk about Emersyn on her birthday or angel date. I need the openness to talk about her everyday as naturally and unedited as I would my living children. Only another bereaved parent truly understands the depth of this need. It feels like a deep well that overflows in a bereaved parents heart that we try to carry and not spill over until we feel safe to share. We need space to share where others can truly allow us to talk about our kids. That is how we parent our kids who have died, we share not only who they were but what we imagined for them and how we need to honour them. Grief is the other side of love; it must be as talked about and normalized in the same way.

I talk about Emersyn to help others who are struggling. This past summer we had an unexpected loss of Freddie, the beautiful heart horse that Isla was part boarding and deeply connected with. Isla and I were there when he passed unexpectedly and I remember saying to Isla and others there that day, when we lost Emersyn the most sacred thing we could do was be there for her during her passing. This helped Isla as she was able to lean into this during a traumatic event and I saw Emersyn’s wisdom and impact helping in this moment which is what she does best. I was not able to return to the barn for a month as it was really hard to see Isla, Freddie and the other people who loved him go through that terrible loss. I returned this past weekend to watch Isla ride and not one but two gorgeous butterflies swooped and soared over me. This was Emersyn letting us know that Freddie was with her and she was taking good care of him on the other side. I needed that and so did Isla. Isla your resiliency is remarkable.

And now I will speak directly to you Emersyn……I often think - why do really awful things continue to happen to the same people. How much suffering can one human take? I know I will never have answers in this lifetime but I can only imagine it has to do with guiding others. You have taught us to carry the unmeasurable pain of losing a child while also enduring hardships along the journey while reminding us how to love ourselves and each other. You have taught me to speak out using compassion and kindness and always imagine ways to make things better for others or help ease suffering. Life moves fast and you remind me that I don’t have to and I can set the pace and in doing so thoughtfully choose where I pour my heart work. Carrying pain and expressing it wholeheartedly while using that pain to help others heal is the real teaching.

I hope you and Freddie are flying high knowing you continue to heal others and teach about the importance of slowing down for one another in this fast life. You remind me to pace each day as it is not promised to any of us. On the days sweet Freddie cheered me up as I looked in his knowing eyes I always felt closer to you. I know you are taking care of each other and jumping big on your 17th birthday in heaven. I will never need AI to capture your legacy. I promise to forever speak from my heart and hopefully even help one person carry their grief, hardship or pain a little lighter.

Happy Birthday Emersyn we love and treasure you always,

Mom

P.S. Thanks for the butterfly you sent to Isla this week that landed right on her hand. You pick your moments and we see you perfectly.

Awareness ~

2025-04-07T08:01:00.000-04:00

Awareness

April 7th, 2009, will always be the day the world stopped. I needed no social media notification, news story, or emergency alert to tell me this soul-collapsing truth. We were there with you, lying beside you, and felt your spirit leave your earthly body. Just like that, a final breath on planet Earth before you crossed over. I felt every move of that and was hyper-aware of the snow falling outside of our hospital room, the warmth surrounding us, and the sound of Brahms’ lullaby playing in the background. Awareness—acute and total awareness— as we dressed you and lay with you until it was time for us to carry you home.

We walked out of the hospital as parking garages were closed for your sacred walk from the room to our car. I held you in my arms, and our friend drove us to the funeral home, where we brought you inside and sat with you while the light shone down on your dark, shiny hair and beautiful, perfect face. I tuned out the traffic and noises outside of these spaces that day, but I was intensely aware of certain things that connected both worlds: the snow, the sunlight warming the room, the nurse who brought the three of us warm blankets, the butterfly card from another bereaved mom that had fallen from the dash to my seat where I sat holding my girl, the sorrow of our family and friends that day when they found out you passed. I will never forget the look on Jason’s face when we left the hospital with our daughter lying on her sheepskin, looking like an Angel. He was and I was forever changed with a new sense of awareness that ripped our souls apart at the core and shattered our hearts.

This awareness was a new sense of knowing that has never left me. There was an anesthetic effect from the shock of grief in the early years which made it challenging to listen to this knowing, as I was not ready to accept that this was my new state of being. I am a bereaved parent, and I say that now with both ache and sacred grace. I remember a counselor once telling me they felt very sad that Jay and I refer to ourselves as not only parents but bereaved parents. He said that was a sad reference that he hoped we would one day reframe. I said to him, I hope we never reframe this, as what you grieve most, you love deeply.

No one ever wants to be in the club that we belong to, but only those in this never-talked-about club can understand. For many years, I tuned out things that I could not give energy to. Certain events and big group gatherings felt like a direct threat to the broken shards of myself that I could not seem to hold together. I had to journey on a new, unknown path to healing, where I had no map, compass, or light to guide me. Grief is inherently lonely as no two people grieve at the same time in the same way. I was governed by my gut, instincts, and what has now become, 16 years later, a knowing. This deep knowing is you and I feel you with me every day. I find dimes, butterflies, meet good people and hear songs that feel like you are saying an enthusiastic “hi mom” or “take a breath and slow down mom just chill" just when I need it most. When I am searching for the right thing to do there you are nudging me along in the right direction.

You are my superpower, my knowing, and my bridge between this world and the other—the one where you are always in that warm light that feels like a huge hug on a peaceful Spring day. I am intensely aware of the moments that I know will be in my mind and heart on replay forever.

When Isla rested her head on my shoulder for a brief moment before stepping out of the car as she went into the barn last week, after we had a great talk on the way to her lesson. That warmed my heart and stopped me in my tracks. Even after a long day at work, I wasn’t letting that moment miss me. When Callum asked about what I am bringing to decorate your spot at Glen Oaks today and he smiled and admired the solar Angel that I picked out. When I walked out of work this week after a Spring snowfall that resulted in icy roads and your dad was waiting for me to make sure I got home safely. When I see a person reflect on how they have treated someone and do better next time. When I visit my family or friends, any stress of the day begins to melt away and is replaced by laughter and a much needed hug! These are the moments that I am very aware of as these are the times when I feel you with me most. Life is short, be aware and breathe, reset and carry forward doing the best you can and always remember no one is perfect. This is what I am sure you are saying to me.

Thank you for grounding me in a world where the moments that truly matter can sometimes feel elusive. With so much noise from social media and the constant swirl of distractions, it’s easy to overlook the quiet gifts of awareness, mindfulness, and trusting our instincts. Thank you for reminding me to slow down when I get caught up in the rush of work and life, and for teaching me that the real treasures lie in being present for what truly matters. Emersyn, it has been 16 years since you left this world physically, but my sense of your spiritual presence only deepens as I continue my journey of healing. What we grieve, we love, and while I will always be a bereaved Mom, above all, I will always be your Mom. I remain profoundly aware and proud of your light, and my heart is filled with awe for the love you continue to send.

Missing and loving you always with a deep knowing that I will hug you again one day and oh what a feeling that will be.

Love,

Mom xoxoxoxo

Sweet 16 on September 16th ~ Emersyn

2024-09-15T22:16:00.008-04:00

Dear Emersyn,

Recently you told me through a very wise and spiritual woman that I don't need to go anywhere or do anything special to talk to you. You told me that I can talk to you anytime and I don't have to wait for a special moment or event to find you. You said that when I am driving in the car you are always sitting right beside me. I burst into tears when I heard this and I said "is this a burden for you always having to ride with me" and you said no Mom I am honoured. Well that just about sums you up right there doesn't it? Maybe that is why in the early years after you passed away I drove everywhere with no destination in mind, just the need to move and search for any sign or symbol of your spirit. It was an anxious journey then and now it feels heavy, sacred, sorrowful, purposeful and with a sense of knowing that you are with me.

When I am talking to you I feel like I am asking you for something which as a parent feels so backwards. I ask you for strength, guidance, perspective or to look out for your brother and sister, Granny and Grandpa and all of the family and friends that love you so much. I am deeply sorry for not talking to you more. I think instead of talking I have been connecting with you in the career I do as a school leader, Mother, friend, daughter, wife, sister and woman that I am at 47 years old. Talking hurts as it emphasizes the silence of grief, the love fountain overflowing with nothing optically to catch it. When I channel this tidal wave of raw emotion through action it helps me carry this sea of love that continues to pour over all these years later. My passion for Human Rights and true inclusion is welled from my love for you that swells around in my chest and needs a place to go and something or someone to impact in your honour. You are my fuel otherwise I would drown in my own sea of love for you if I had nowhere to navigate it on this earth. I can tell when special people recognize you in the work or in the passion that I share at times. Not everyone can see this but that is what makes those who do stand out like a beacon of light in a storm to me. I know you know these beautiful souls Emersyn because it is the same people that make me feel closer to you when I am with them. As a lifelong learner of all things I need you to know that I hear you. I need to pause and breathe and that is also talking to you. I will talk to you through slowness and breath and more writing. I promise I will do this more as you told me it is ok to rest sometimes Mom! As always you are teaching me to evolve and grow and I will never stop searching for stones to learn from you.

I am humbled at how time has suddenly given me a 13 and almost 11 year old and I stop and my breath is taken away today that you would have been 16 years old. The oldest out of my three children my first daughter Emersyn was born perfectly on September 16th 2008 at 2:00pm. Sweet 16 they say but for you I change that to strong, sassy, sincere and spectacular 16 because sweet was never a priority for any of my girls but strong with a fierce heart who advocates for what matters most absolutely. I want to share this with you out loud on your blog as you used this sign and symbol as an analogy for what I think best describes our Mother Daughter bond and mission between heaven and earth. This is for you Emersyn the magnificent, brave, leader, disruptor and lifter of others on your 16th birthday.

"The majestic angel winged horse came and swept you away to a place that existed beyond the veil

So quickly he came I could not see his face but you climbed on his back and took the reigns to fly worlds away towards the heavens

You returned in short fleeting moments each time soaring faster, stronger, determined a true heroine on a mission lifting others up leaving gems of hope in your wake

It was in these moments of finding you we learned that you did not need saving you needed us to rise to fly and soar to make a giant dent of love and change in this beautiful world on the other side of Pegasus"

Love Mom

P.S. I am far more honoured to be driving beside you 💜

~ Happy 16th Birthday Emersyn Paige Klomp you are always deeply loved xoxoxoxo

Shores of Grief ~ 15 Years

2024-04-07T11:43:00.005-04:00

15 years ago on April 7th we said goodbye to you beautiful Emersyn. Swimming in the ocean with the kids this week I felt closer to you. In the moments when the breeze hit softly I felt closer to you. 15 years ago you died and time is no factor in loving and missing you. Losing a child is a different kind of loss. I still have an innate need to parent you by sharing you and your life with others. We are the keepers of your legacy and that is both an honour and the deepest sorrow my heart will ever carry.

Every family holiday we look like a family of four yet we feel like a family of five. As I watched Callum swimming in the ocean at ten years old I wondered just how you missed all of this. Isla the tween growing up so fast yet when she fell asleep on the bus ride to the resort from the airport brought me right back to when you were all babies. Although you have missed all of these years on earth we feel you have been here with us experiencing the nuanced moments that mean the most. It’s not the dinners at the beach but the way the kids hold my hand on our walk back from the beach that I feel most grateful for and connected to you. Cal will take my hand and proudly walk beside me. Isla will subtly lay her head on my shoulder and give me a side eye and laugh which means she still loves me. I weave words of then and now as that is how I’ve coped with and carried your death. Integrating you into my career, my friends, my gratitude for my family and simple things like writing your name in the sand on vacation. Every time we write your name in the sand I feel some peace. It is temporary much like the letters that wash away with the tide and carry your name back to the ocean. So much like the tides of grief that ebb and flow but are a deep part of who I am.

I love that the kids will just pick up a shell or a stick and start writing Emersyn so thoughtfully in the sand. When I need a walk by myself on the beach Dad knows why and when he does the same I get it. The weeks leading up to your angel date are typically harder than the actual day for us. This is the first yeat we have gone away during this time and nature has helped to bring us some comfort in the midst of sorrow and feelings of angst. People will say I don’t know how you got through losing your child. I could never do that. The truth is you don’t get through it, you carry your child’s legacy everywhere and share it with those you feel a connection with. It is a deep soul exhaustion of love when you carry your child in your heart only. When people see you in me that is my greatest accomplishment just like the joy I feel when others see the magic in Isla and Callum.

I’m thankful for the beach this past week for helping me to carry the weight of grief. Thankful for the rhythm of the waves that soothed my soul, the sand that softened our strides, the beautiful monarch butterfly picture that we noticed at the perfect time, the schools of tropical fish, little curious birds, warm breezes that felt like hugs and much needed moments of laughter and love with the family. Life is not perfect, it is not meant to be. Most of life is hard but the love and hope we feel are gifts that keep us going. You found us like you always do, centered our perspective once again and made sure Mother Nature took care of us as the tides of grief came to shore. We love you Emersyn and miss you within the deepest parts of our hearts and we see you in all things in nature and in the kindness and compassion of others.

I love being your Mom xoxoxoxo

Pieces of You ~ Happy 15th Birthday Emersyn

2023-09-16T08:35:00.000-04:00

How did we get to 15? It feels like yesterday I was driving home from lunch with your Dad on September 16th in 2008 waiting for labour to start. Waiting for the moment to meet you, my first child. I will always hold you in that moment in time when you were born on your due date and it felt like no other babies were born that day. Confidence soaring after you were born and I told your Dad to go home and sleep because you and I would be just fine. Almost impossible to get him to agree since he was drawn right in the moment he looked into your beautiful brown eyes. You were his girl and everyone knew it. I said I would protect you forever and that my job would be to make sure you would be ok in this world when I am gone one day. I failed at that not by choice but by genetics and I live with that everyday. SMA, I hate those letters but they never overshone the still evolving love and connection that we have with you. You are 15 and instead of thinking of all of the things that you have missed as I keep those little chapters unopened in my heart everyday, I must think about all of the people you have helped. People tell me when they are going through something really hard they think of you and feel stronger. This does not bring you back to me but it helps me to know that you live on in the good and the hope in others.

I picture Isla and Callum reading your blog one day and hopefully getting to know you even better. They talk about you with such ease and they miss you so much yet they never physically met you. This tells me kids need to be exposed to grief in its full journey because grief is love. They are 9 and 12 now and I am in awe of them and feel so lucky to get to know them as they grow up. As I marvel at them it aches to think what you would have done here on this earth. This morning we will head to our usual place to buy your fall planters, flowers for your vase and decorations for your spot at Glen Oaks. We will sing you happy birthday and say hello to the other babies in the Garden of Angels. Dad takes a walk at the cemetery and I need space to sit on your bench in front of your stone just you and I. This is our day the day you were born where I remember feeling sadness that you would no longer be safe within me and so elated to meet you.Tears are notes from the heart and as I sit here in our living room this morning writing this I see sunbeams hitting your picture and cry with both love and grief. Please don’t think this grief takes away from our love. My heart could burst with how much my love for you overflows.

My grief carries me now as much as I carry it. We know each other well. Instead of wishing grief would leave I have made a room for grief that is filled with all of the things I love and all of the comforts needed to catch me when fall. I invite others into that room who need comfort in their grief journey as a rest stop and when they leave they take a piece of you with them. I like to think that there are pieces of you in every human you have helped over the years like seeds growing and making this world better. You put people at ease and awe Emersyn and you inspire them to keep going and take care of others who need it most along the way.

Happy 15th birthday to my first born beautiful child Emersyn Paige. You lived and you live on in your family who will always carry your legacy and recognize the gifts you send at just the right time when we need it most.

With deepest love and gratitude,

Mom xoxo

14 Years

2023-04-07T08:49:00.006-04:00

I remember being on my lunch break as a grade 1 teacher and checking my voicemail messages. I was waiting on my 18 week ultrasound results for our first born child and I remember replaying the message from my Midwife, “Melanie everything looks good and you are having a girl”! I remember playing that message over and over again while sharing the news with my teaching partners and feeling a complete sense of joy and excitement. I picked names with my students and shared them with Jay and my extra picky sisters and Scottish parents to find the perfect name. It was a huge search for the name of the first granddaughter who followed four beautiful grandsons in our family and we chose Emersyn or rather she chose us. Emersyn means Home Strength and it is these words we chose to have engraved on to her stone at Glen Oaks.

14 years ago you passed and I can still feel the warmth of the sheets we were laying on beside you in the hospital bed at McMaster. I remember the sounds of Brahms' lullaby playing in the room, the nurses moving in and out with blankets and your Dad laying on one side of you and me on the other. I remember telling them to take the machines away as I did not need a signal to tell me when you passed because I would just know and I did. I felt you move through us as you passed and no one needed to tell us because I am your Mom and always will be. As long as I am alive this is our story, you are my story and I will share you as long as I live. I pause less worrying about the comfort of others when I talk about you or say your name. I am so proud of you and all of the people you continue to touch and inspire. I never thought I would find fulfillment or joy again after you died. I accepted in my heart and mind that I would forever feel a fraction of anything close to joy. I felt like an alien in the land of the living. I am not sure how I came back but it was not all at once but rather in shards and pieces that over time came together. I compare it to a Mosaic broken but beautiful and when the light shines through it is the warmest glow I have ever known. I am forever changed by your life and death.

I remember reading every book written by bereaved parents that I could get my hands on. I needed to see myself in their words and lived experiences. I needed to know that I was going to survive losing my daughter, my girl, my heart. I called bereaved Moms I had never met before who offered to meet with me and I went. I needed to hear about their children, their stories and see their faces. I needed to connect with other SMA Mom’s whose children were newly diagnosed and let them know that they were not alone. They let me hold their babies and I cherished every second as I tried to comfort others and feel close to you. I was searching for you and I needed to prove that you were still with me. I was exhausted but completely compelled to plug into you. I was desperate and felt a constant sense of roaming. I did not see you in my dreams because you were still so real to me. I missed the weight of your body in my arms, your deep brown eyes and the way your whole hand would wrap around my finger even when your physical strength declined you still found a way.

I am strong and vulnerable because of you. I can laugh again but deeper because of you. I can sense when others are in pain and I can sit with that pain more openly because of you. I have deep compassion for struggle because of you and I am so much more forgiving. I can lead, and laugh and love more authentically because of you. I carry the same pain and I carry you which is the purest form of love and joy that I aim to share with as many people as I can while I am on this earth. Emersyn you are my heart and I sent a piece of mine with you and took a piece of yours with me. I have always described my grief journey as a Mosaic both broken and beautiful and when the light shines through it is the warmest glow I have ever seen.

I miss you beyond time and space and love you more than love.

Love,

Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxo

Happy 14th Birthday Emersyn ~

2022-09-15T21:45:00.000-04:00

Happy 14th birthday Emersyn my beautiful girl. Why after so long is this still so hard? I try to rationalize that after all these years I should be ok to go to work on your birthday or feel “ok” since it is JUST only a single day. I get frustrated with myself as I try to associate strength with carrying on with normal life however you have taught me that strength is also being able to stop and allow grief. I wrestle with this after all these years as I have worked hard at honoring my grief so to stop and allow it when I know I could try to keep going is difficult but necessary. I have integrated your death into everything I do which makes me feel both proud of how far I have traveled in my journey and also heartbroken and humbled by the waves of grief that I know I must succumb to. I am a parent and this is what we do. We keep going for our kids but there are so many times that I am sure you are carrying me.

There was nothing more transformative for me than September 16th 2008. I remember every detail of your birth right down to the warmth of the September sunlight that poured through our hospital room that day. I actually thought the sunshine that afternoon was cued just for you. Warm golden sunlight streaming down on your birthday and snow randomly falling on the day you passed in April. Every parent feels like our own children are different, special ,unique and extraordinary to the point where no one else could possibly understand. And the truth is we are all right as there is no child more incredible than our own because we believe in our kids even more than we believe in ourselves.

I was humbled when I looked at your dark brown eyes for the first time and realized I was chosen to be your Mom. I could not stop smiling and showing you off! Even when I had not slept in those early days when we brought you home I wanted friends and family to come over immediately and meet you as I thought if they didn’t they would be deprived of the greatest joy anyone could feel, meeting you the baby wise beyond her years who had a healing sense of peace about her. You knew how impactful you would be and how your legacy would have a transformative effect on so many. We knew you were amazing, we just didn’t know that we would only be gifted with your physical self for a short time. Watching your Dad hold you for the first time was also a gift I will never forget. You had his heart from the minute the midwives said “Jay come and hold your girl”.

As we have gone back to school the little things I used to worry about for your brother and sister no longer worry me because of you. Anytime I feel myself starting to consider trivial things I think of you and remember what matters. I like to think that you have this grounding effect on so many people who knew you or learned about your journey. I would trade this perspective for you to be back here at home being 14 and driving us nuts but this blog, this day and these memories are all I have and I will hold this and care for our heart strings as long as I live. I hug a little longer, I advocate a little harder, I laugh and cry more fully and I love more deeply because of you.

So if you see me in September looking distracted or smiling at a dragonfly, butterfly or finding meaning in a song you know why. It is your birthday and for me this is the greatest day I ever knew because I became a Mom...your Mom. I believed in you from the minute I found out I was pregnant and that has never changed. Just like we all marvel at our living children when they accomplish something awesome I too beam when I find out that you have touched yet another life and made it better even though your physical self is no longer with us.

Happy 14th birthday to our official teenager, my beautiful brown eyed, wise, funny and magical Emersyn! I guess I can’t be too hard on myself for missing you just the same as I did when you fell asleep on my chest the day you were born and I could not wait for you to wake up. I believed in you then and I will never stop thinking I am the luckiest Mom on earth and in heaven because that’s what parents do.

Hope you feel all of the magic heaven can conjure today my darling girl and as long as I live I will forever believe in the magic of YOU.

Love you always,

Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxo

13 Years

2022-04-07T08:48:00.001-04:00

13 years. I actually can’t believe I'm typing that number. 13 years today we have lived without you Emersyn. In the early years it was surviving without you and somehow living slowly returned as we integrated you into everything we are and do. This did not come without feeling guilty the first time we actually laughed, had family photos taken or went on our first family road trip without you. That was and will continue to be hard and depending on what we are doing or the day it still is. When people say “I can’t imagine” losing a child to be honest neither can I. I remember like it was yesterday our family and friends coming into our room in the ICU at McMaster to say good-bye. I remember time standing still and the snow that started falling that April day moments after you passed. I remember the nurses giving us space while bringing us blankets and making sure we felt supported. I still step back and cannot believe that you are physically gone. I am not sure how I have integrated losing you into every aspect of my life but I know that I have. You are the reason I look for the good in people and find hope in situations that seem impossible. Parenting you without being able to talk to you is not easy but I have learned that you are “the right thing to do” voice in my mind that helps guide me.

None of this makes up for losing you or the long and incredible life you should have had here on earth. When I look at how funny, compassionate and unique your brother and sister are I feel a deep sorrow and need to know just how much of a unique soul you would have grown into. As I write this I realize more and more that you were a gift not just to our family but to so many. I know you have helped so many people feel stronger and more resilient in their own struggles. Knowing this does not make your death any easier for us but I know that it honours you and gives you a legacy which means so much to us.

I am a better person because of you. I have deep grief that I carry with me that I continue to learn to respect and make space for. Grief only happens where there is love so I hold space for this sacred duality. My head knew instantly that your physical self passed as we held you in that moment in time but it has taken time and surrender to mourning you that has allowed my heart to understand. My head knows you passed the day you died but my heart relearns this everyday. There is a saying “the person doing the talking is the person doing the learning”. That is why I write because this is me talking to you and learning to physically live without you. I have learned to not only connect with you through grief but also through the moments in the day that make me stop and think about the right thing to do. Thank-you Emersyn for the signs you send that are undeniably you and for the nudge in the right direction that you send when we need it most. We know you continue to be a source of courage, integrity and hope for so many and feel so lucky to be your parents.

Missing and loving you always,

Mom xoxoxoxoxo

Emersyn's 13th Birthday Letter

2021-09-16T14:44:00.001-04:00

Dearest Emersyn,

We simply cannot believe that you would have been 13 years old today. Very similar weather today as the day you were born. Sunshine so bright it was as if Mother Nature was just as ecstatic about this magnificent day as we were. I always thought before having kids that the "time flies by so fast" saying was a cliche until I had you and lost you. I can honestly say it feels like yesterday that I was in Oakville Trafalgar hospital beaming from ear to ear feeling like the luckiest human on earth to be your Mom.

I remember saying to Dad in the car ride home sitting in the back seat with you "if anything happens to this beautiful baby I will not be able to cope". I had no reason to say that on the sunny peaceful drive home as 13 years ago on this day we did not know what SMA was or that you had this horrible tragic genetic disease. We had no idea what was ahead and I am so glad we had no clue what was to come as this time 13 years ago was euphoric and indescribable in terms of the joy we felt at becoming not only parents but YOUR parents. We knew you were incredibly special and sensed that you had a soul and mind much wiser and older than your newborn age.

You are a teenager now my dear beautiful magical child. I can sort of picture you with your deep brown eyes, dark hair and magnetic beaming smile. I have often considered asking an artist to sketch for us what you might look like now as there are many times I am desperate to know. It really hit me hard getting your flowers and balloons this morning at Longo's thinking about how you should be entering a whole new amazing phase in your life as a teenager. Your Dad and I feel so sad to have missed all these years with you and talked about how awesome it would have been to see you thriving and growing up. We are picturing you in grade 8 entering high school and graduating and wondering what path and journey you would have embarked upon and it really hurts. We are so deeply sorry that you have missed this my dear daughter.

If only the treatments that are available today for SMA were available 12 years ago. I think about that everyday and try to feel just happy for others but I can't help but feel deep pain, anger and guilt as a parent that these treatments were not available when you were diagnosed. We carry this with us and still feel our hearts overflowing with love and joy for you. The heart is incredible to carry all of this at once. That is the thing with grief it stays deeply embedded in our souls and hearts alongside the love and pride we have as your parents. We know that you understand our grief is a lifeline to you and your legacy and story lives through both our love story for you and our grief journey.

You certainly chose your siblings well as they woke up this morning asking to go to your spot after school as this is their normal with our family. Isla and Callum don't know what it is like to have "non bereaved parents" and they like to go to the cemetery and bring something special just for you. When they were toddlers they used to run around Glen Oaks and we would have to stop them from stealing the toys and stuffed animals from other children's spots and now they go and they sit on your bench and sing to you and bring something to show their love. Both of them created little paintings early this week and added butterflies and dragonflies just for you. I had no idea where they found these supplies and I just found their creations on the kitchen counter with your name on it.

The teenage years are for self discovery and so much excitement in the years ahead. You, my beautiful girl, already knew who you were and what your purpose was before we did. Your ongoing inspiration and resiliency continues to encourage so many people to "just keep swimming" and stopping to take it all in. No matter how difficult things may seem, you ground our family and so many others with your story and your spirit which continues to surface when we need you most. Similar to "time flies by so fast" the other saying I used to deem a cliche was "life is short". This saying could not be more true and I know the teenager you would want people to be grateful for each day and embrace the moments so I will be sure to pass this message along on your birthday. You have taught us that life is hard but it is also beautiful.

Thank-you for the sun rays at Glen Oaks this morning and for reminding us that cliches are cliches for a reason. "Time flies by so fast" and "life is short" so to anyone reading this embrace the day, never give up and spread love because we need it now more than ever.

Happy 13th birthday Emersyn your legacy is still going strong and I can't wait to see what other great lessons and signs you will send the Universe.

With love beyond this physical world,

Mom ,Dad, Isla and Callum xoxoxo

12 Years ~ Lemonade

2021-04-07T09:28:00.001-04:00

Today marks 12 years since you passed away Emersyn. I contemplated whether I should write on your blog that I have written on for the past 12 years. I talked to your Dad about not writing today and asked - why am I still writing 12 years later? As always he brought things into perspective for me when he said that I should only be writing here if it helps me and possibly even one other person reading this. As he said this I remembered what you have taught me which is the only way through is through.The pathway to healing is in the journey and oftentimes it may feel like we can’t do it but when we continue to try we grow. I really do find great comfort in knowing that you have helped others. So here I am 12 years later writing to you because it honours your legacy while also helping me and hopefully others to find meaning and comfort on this journey.

What a year this has been reinventing ourselves during our global pandemic. Digging deep we have all found resiliency, sorrow and gratitude all whirled into one as we navigate this ever evolving time in history. It has been a long road and although we are almost nearing the end of the pandemic we are not there yet. On the hardest days when we miss the normalcy of visiting carefree with our loved ones I think of you and remind myself there will be nothing harder than losing you and we will all make it through this. However, making it through does not come without a greater need and awareness for true self care and compassion towards others and ourselves. I have learned that I cannot passively make it through a journey. I have learned if I do not play an active role in navigating and acknowledging where I am it is more challenging. This does not negate the struggle but it does make it lighter. As a bereaved parent I have learned that stepping aside and making space for grief has allowed me to take some time to be mindful, breathe and reflect on how far we have come and remember you. When I hold space for grief I find you there.

Losing a child and experiencing a global pandemic are very different. I do however, find myself turning to some similar coping strategies and also notice the persistence of hope appearing again and again. Gratitude and mindfulness have been two touch stones that you have given us that I continue to turn to. The power of a few deep breaths is so simple yet grounding and powerful.

You nudge us to remember that sometimes instead of doing more we can just “be”. Just be there for a moment and take some deep breaths. Gratitude and hope tend to surface in these moments. I have also noticed that hope is stubborn and will find a way to ignite itself even as a small flicker it lights the journey. I know now that grief is the other side of love and as time has passed my grief for you has become as important and treasured as my love for you. 12 years later I miss you as much as I did the day you passed away and with time even more so.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson. I have all of this love and grief and I continue to find ways ways to share it. As a family we have taken the most sour lemons as they say and tried to create lemonade that by nature will always be bittersweet yet filled with love. So to answer my question “why am I still writing 12 years later” it is because it helps me to feel connected to you and hopefully helps someone else who may need some comfort along the way. Our lemonade isn’t perfect but it’s perfectly ours and if it helps even one person then it’s worth sharing.

We miss you to the moon and back Emersyn and we feel your absence and your presence daily. You are the hope that continues to ignite within us.

Love,

Mom, Dad, Isla and Callum xoxo

Happy 12th Birthday Emersyn

2020-09-16T12:41:00.001-04:00

Happy 12th birthday to you beautiful Emersyn. Time stands still as I remember your birth vividly 12 years ago today. I remember the sheer excitement I felt calling family and friends feeling both exhausted and elated to announce your birth and introduce you to everyone. The soaring confidence I felt after giving birth to my first child was life changing and the empowerment I felt becoming a Mother was incredible. Today is bittersweet remembering your joyful birth while missing you so. Amazing how our relationship has deepened over the years even while being physically apart. I feel that you are older now, not a little girl anymore. I sense your maturity in our connection and I feel your guidance especially now during the pandemic. In your maturity I feel I need to talk to you today about everything that has been happening in the world and how we are trying to develop healthy ways to cope and move forward.

I have been feeling familiar emotions of acute grief leading up to your birthday and also because of the rapidly changing and uncertain times we are all living in right now. I fall back on the coping skills we developed when you were diagnosed and after you passed away. It is amazing how what really matters takes center stage in times of true hardship. You taught us that caring for ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically is important always and even more so when we are grieving. We have been trying to live day to day and simplify things. Where is our emotional energy going right now and how are we recharging? Have been some of the questions I have been asking myself lately, especially with Callum and Isla returning to school and Dad and I returning to work. You taught us that stepping back for as long as we need whenever we need to is ok and encourages self reflection, a quietness and growth. When things are hard scaling life back and focusing on what is most important has been a vital coping strategy for us. Interesting how a meal becomes more savoured, a laugh with friends and family feels like a comforting sigh of relief and a hug from Isla and Callum feels like a warm gift from you. Scaling it back and taking in the little things is really us working on being more mindful and present. We need that.

When you were diagnosed with SMA we instantly began thinking about the ways we could modify life and adapt so you could enjoy everything to the fullest. You loved the car yet had to lay flat to breathe properly so Grandpa helped us to modify your car seat so you could enjoy your nightly car rides. You loved the bath so we modified your bath seat so you could enjoy that special time in the water. Our amazing OT was always modifying toys to make them accessible for you. We found new ways of doing things and we had to let go of things that no longer worked for our new way of living. I am drawing inspiration from you as always as we enter our new back to school and work routines. I know it is ok to mourn and grieve for the life, plans and hopes we all had while at the same time living fully by modifying the way we once did things and discovering completely new experiences and ways of doing things. We do not have to wait for “things to be better” to live fully. Life includes all of the feelings even the really hard and uncomfortable ones. Life is not simply good or bad days it is a blend of authentic human experiences. One essential ingredient to coping has always been hope even a small flicker along with patience and compassion towards ourselves and others goes a long way to healing. There has been a lot of discussion lately about the importance of being adaptable. I fully agree that being adaptable is essential however in order to adapt we must allow ourselves to step back, feel it all and evolve in a natural way. We must take time to truly know ourselves and what we stand for. Humans do this naturally but it is not linear and each one of us will evolve and adapt in our own way at our own pace.

Just like the caterpillar who becomes the butterfly I know we will get there and the journey in evolving can’t be conjured or rushed. We are adapting throughout the entire process. We will continue to take it one day at a time being mindful, gentle and loving to ourselves and others. Emersyn you continue to be our source of mindfulness and connection to what life is really all about. We know your story and gifts are helping so many people right now and we hope that on your 12th birthday you can feel our love and thanks. We miss you deep in our hearts and we celebrate you and the magical person you are. Even beyond earth you continue to evolve and grow my dear girl and we will continue to do the same. Happy 12th birthday beautiful Emersyn we love you and miss you always!

Love

Mom, Dad, Isla, Callum and all of your family and friends xoxoxo

Angel Date ~ Little Big Things

2020-04-07T08:32:00.004-04:00

This will be our 11th Angel Date Emersyn and with what is happening in the world right now with Covid-19 it is certainly a flash back for us. When we found out at just 4 months old that you had SMA we isolated away from the world in our home in the middle of winter. A simple cold could have been fatal for you as SMA weakened all of your muscles including the muscles needed to swallow, breathe and cough. We had signs up in our home that read “please wash and sanitize your hands” along with masks, gloves, a pulse ox and other medical supplies and equipment needed for your care. This way of life quickly became our new normal yet felt anything but normal. The rest of the world carried on and we came to a screeching halt into isolation and fear of any germs coming our way as we did everything we could to protect you. We feared grocery stores,coughing people,germs in the pediatricians office and in the emergency room when we rode by ambulance after Daddy brought you back with CPR. We lived on high alert but we also created memories that would last a lifetime. The joy and the pain co-existed at maximum capacity in the small moments that meant everything.

I remember my whole body aching when I would wake up. I was overwhelmed with worry, fear, anxiety you name it and I remember wondering why I was so tired when I was home all day. I know now that grief and trauma can be as exhausting as a marathon if not more so. I also remember the moments of anxiety would be quieted with one look at you and we would start the day with a cuddle, a song and always somewhere in there some good laughs! We sat in our family room reading books, cuddling, singing, dancing or just sitting together playing in your baby gym with the lightest weight toys fashioned by Auntie Erin or our wonderful OT…. and those were the moments I could feel my heart fill up with joy. Even after your official diagnosis in the Neurologists office at McMaster Auntie Catherine,Daddy and I were singing and dancing with you when we left. No matter how scary of a night we had we learned the next morning we would reset, rally and embrace the moments together.

I remember the week you were diagnosed saying to Granny that I felt like I needed to be in the hospital. Of course that quickly changed as home became our oasis but I remember thinking that we should be taken care of so we could just spend time together. I remember saying that I was in so much pain at the thought of losing you that I should be wearing a hospital gown eating jello as being home trying to carry on as normal felt impossible at first. The next day I remember Granny leaving a huge bowl of jello on my porch and Auntie Catherine and Auntie Erin leaving me a box of heart shaped ginger cookies as that is all I could eat some days. Just knowing that people were there for us was enough to give me strength to keep going. I still have a little bag of those ginger snap cookies by my bed to remind me that it is the small things that carry us through.

A shower helped me. I learned that waking up and showering first thing, getting dressed and putting on some makeup (as crazy as that sounds) made me feel better. Although I would often feel too exhausted to dry my hair I always felt better after a shower. A routine in the day felt good, even a simple one. I quickly realized that these self caring rituals that at first seemed selfish made me a better Mom and able to continue to rise each day. A hot drink, a call from a friend, a laugh, a cry,a short drive and any expression of emotion was a huge help in my coping and bringing me back to my greatest joy which was creating memories with you. You taught us the little moments from our bed looking out the window at the sunny white snow or singing Bob Marley songs from the hospital bed with my sisters was where the meaning was. Before social media was big a small note, card, gift or email from someone meant so much and still does. Amidst all of the pain we learned to surrender into love and savour the little things. The kindness rocks we have found in the neighbourhood on our walks this week, the notes and cards from friends when we need them most all of these little things have kept us going and feeling connected to you. As I see people coming out of their homes to cheer for our medical heros at shift change or giving a huge thank-you to our delivery drivers and grocery store workers it is all of these things that help us make it through. So today as I think of ways to honour you I think helping others with your story would be what you would want us to do. In sharing this little big thing our hope is that even for a moment someone smiles or feels some peace today. So here is me sharing your message with the world and hoping it helps even a little…..

Hello Beautiful Amazing World,

It’s me Emersyn sending everyone in the world right now a special message that I hope will help you feel even a little bit better. You all helped me so much so I will continue to try my hardest to help all of you when you need me most. I know you are having a really hard time right now and I am so sorry you are all going through this. I want everyone to know that it’s ok to have hard days, you are human and need to honour these normal and powerful feelings. Being strong doesn't mean ignoring hard emotions it means feeling them, expressing them and doing our best to care for ourselves and others. Sometimes our best is PJ’s all day and spending time on the couch together and that is just fine. Some of my best memories were days like that.

I was worried that the weight of my diagnosis would be so heavy my family and friends wouldn't be able to have moments of fun and joy with me. What I learned was even though they were heart broken, sad and scared they would always find time each day to just be together with me and do little things that felt so big. They were brave and I was so proud of them. While the world was happening right outside our snowy window it was like we were living in a bubble where none of the things they thought mattered before mattered anymore. People used to drop food on my porch since my parents were too scared to go to the grocery store in case they caught a virus and brought those germs home to me. My parents did not want to go out in public places where there were lots of people so when visitors came we had signs up to remind them about hand washing and sanitizing which everyone was really good about. Everyone was really brave. I thought all of my family, friends and even people I never met were my heros.

I want everyone to know that although these days are hard and scary you were made for this. When all else fails love and hope remain and I promise you they will carry you through your darkest days. I remember in my final days in the ICU at McMaster Children’s Hospital when my Aunties and Mom sang Three Little Birds to me, I remember when my Dad would place me on my sheepie and hold me up and we would pretend to be cowboys dancing up and down the hallway,I remember my Mom wanted to just take me to the park so we went and she placed me on her chest and we slid down the slide together, I remember when my cousins would read me stories with such animation I would laugh with my belly, I remember when my Granny and Grandpa would do a puppet show for me and make me smile. None of these things cost a thing because nothing money could buy could create the memories we made.

When I passed away with my Mom and Dad beside me they felt my soul leave this world on this exact day in April 11 years ago. What they did not know then was that all of the little things were actually the biggest things that created memories for a lifetime. It is the little things that slow us down long enough to really understand why we are here and how important caring for each other really is. So my hope on my Angel Date today is that you find a little thing and allow yourself to feel like it is a really big and amazing thing. I promise you that your little things moments will become the best part of your day and will become some of your best memories. If you feel like sharing your little moments with my parents today I know it would certainly cheer them up. I know they love to hear when I have touched your hearts.

You are all staying home for really big reasons and it is not easy. I see my brother and sister missing their friends and family while trying to learn at home while my parents are trying to do the same. I want you all to know that you are amazing magnificent humans and I have your back. You can do this guys because you already are and if you need someone to talk to I am here to listen.

Keep making the little things big,
Love Angel Emersyn xoxoxo

Happy 11th Birthday Emersyn

2019-09-16T16:47:00.003-04:00

September 16th 2008 is your day Emersyn. Today represents the sacred day you were born and a day I will never forget. I can recall every detail of that day and the transformation that I felt meeting you for the first time. I remember my 22 hour labour and look back on this as the most sacred experience of my life. You would be 11 years old today and in Grade 6 and no doubt an amazing girl with a magnetic spirit and dreams bigger than I could fathom. Some may wonder why 11 years later I still write to you on your birthday but you know it is a not a choice it is a fundamental need I have to connect with you and share your legacy.

At every birthday celebration I go to I think of how you only had one when you were 5 months old when we decided to have a big party for you. After you were diagnosed with SMA at 4 months old we did not know how long we would have with you. We marked each day and month with mindful gratitude amidst the sorrow of your diagnosis. I felt like I could conquer anything the day you were born and I remember feeling like the rest of me was born that day along with you. Bursting with pride and hope we brought you home our perfect baby girl and we could not wait for our friends and family to meet this incredible little human and the best part of ourselves. Just like that feeling of wanting to share you with everyone then I still have that desire to share you with the world so here I am on your birthday like I do each year sharing you.

I share you through the lessons you continue to teach me and I reflect on the way I have changed. At 42 I feel very different than I did at 31 but what has not changed is the love and empathy you rooted deep within me. When I find myself getting caught up in the day to day schedule I stop, close my eyes take a deep breath and ground myself with you. In a time of technology overload, social media saturation and less face to face time with each other I think about those 7 months with you. We were tuned into you and our family and friends on a sacred level of connection that we will never forget.

Humans are meant to be together and you taught us that ten fold. We may travel the world in search of new places, things to see and people to meet but nothing will compare to being tucked away at home with you watching the snow fall and feeling your warm snuggles and chubby hands holding ours. You grounded us in a love and mindfulness that I strive to feel at that level again in a world where we need it more now than ever.

May your life, legacy and spirit continue to be that grounding force for us and others who may need it in their journey. You taught us that we didn't have to be anywhere special to feel love, connection and peace we only had to be together. Today as we always do Isla, Callum, Daddy and I will be together and remember the amazing day you were born. We still cannot believe you were born 11 years ago as it felt like yesterday I was calling daddy to tell him I was in labour and beyond excited to meet you. The first granddaughter in our family was arriving and everyone was elated. As long as I live your birthday will continue to be sacred and I hope that your message of grounding love, togetherness and peace helps anyone who might need it. So today we will close our eyes, take a deep breath and think of your life and spirit to help us to cope, navigate and appreciate this extraordinary journey we are all on together.

Just after I wrote this message to you this morning I received an email from a family thanking us for the sheepskin we donate to newly diagnosed families through Families of SMA Canada care packages. The family shared their gratitude and said that their little boy is feeling comfortable and cozy on his new sheepskin and is also enjoying holding your card with your picture on it. It is no coincidence that I opened the email from this special family today. Emersyn you continue to amaze us with your gifts that continue to help others and us when we need it most. Thank-you to this special family and their sweet boy for reaching out to us and sharing your beautiful pictures we are so grateful. Thank-you for letting us share your pictures on Emersyn's special day it means the world to us.

This song is for you Emersyn on your 11th birthday we love you and miss you always. Thank-you to all of our family and friends who continue to help us carry Emersyn's legacy. We are eternally grateful for all of your love and support.

Love,
Mom, Dad,Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo

10 Years an Angel - Carry You

2019-04-07T11:09:00.000-04:00

10 years is a significant number. It is a milestone number usually recognized in celebration of something special. I wish this 10th milestone was a celebration but today it’s a reflection and a time of grief and remembrance for our family. Ten Christmas mornings, 10 Easter’s, 10 birthdays, 10 first days of school, 10 Halloween's, and here we are 10 years to the day of your passing my dear Emersyn. I have always been honest in sharing our journey and in that honesty is healing which I hope somehow helps others in their struggles.

Oh the journey we have traveled over these 10 years since we walked out of McMaster Children’s hospital and held you all the way to the funeral home. In the days leading up to your funeral I remember Auntie Erin and Auntie Catherine shopping at a boutique downtown Oakville to select outfits for us to dress you in. I remember the store owner closing the boutique so they could assist in finding you something special. In the end we chose the soft pj’s and laid the dresses over you as dresses never were your thing although you loved options..just like your Mama. I remember sitting in the Glen Oaks office trying to pick your spot, stone and bench wondering if every flickering light was you. I never realized the two angels engraved on your bench on either side of your name were a boy and a girl Angel until after I had Isla and Callum. Everything is 20/20 in hindsight as I look back on the journey over the past 10 years.

Our souls are ancient and our hearts are both heavy and full. We have danced with grief for 10 years and it is a part of our family that needs space, time and attention. Both love and grief live in our home. If it were not for grief we would not have healing so we have let grief in and made a place for this misunderstood human entity. I am proud of us for carrying our grief and I am so grateful to our family and friends for carrying it alongside us. It takes a village to raise a child and it has taken a village to support us in losing you. We understand that we have a lifetime of navigating and integrating our loss by making room for grief care. We will forever balance tending to grief while not letting it harden us because when that happens you can’t reach us. The softness in the sorrow is you and we know for certain the other side of love is grief so we go where it takes us just as we always have for the past 10 years.

This weekend grief has taken us away for the first time on your Angel Date. We have never been able to be away on this day before as we needed to be home in retreat.This year we wanted to come to Gravenhurst Muskoka to go back again to the Children’s Memorial Gazebo that we magically came across in our early grief before your brother and sister were born. To do this we carved out time away from the usual weekend commitments. When we came home from work each day this past week we stayed up late to do the housework, laundry, my course work and groceries so we could have the gift of time together this weekend.

We know ten years in that we need time as a family without the regular weekend checklist that we always tend to. Road Trips and driving have always been helpful for us over the years since losing you. Road trips allow us to sit quietly, listen to music, take in the scenery and just be with our thoughts. On our way up we stopped at Glen Oaks and cleaned up from the long winter. Ten years has taught us to always bring water and gardening supplies to clean your bench and stone properly. This year was the first time that bagpipes played in the background as we cleaned and decorated your spot while another family began their grief journey. Bagpipes are special to us and are a tribute to your Scottish roots, they are something that a milestone of 10 years deserves. Thank-you for that moment Emersyn we felt you with us.

We are here now in Gravenhurst at the same hotel near the spot your Dad and I found when we were in a very low point of hope after you passed. This was a turning point in our journey as we knew for sure you were always with us. Discovering the Children’s Memorial was one of the most sacred experiences for us next to the day you and your siblings were born. This morning we will go up to the gazebo overlooking the water that is just beginning to thaw. We will journey up the little trail with Isla and Callum and we will find you there. The certainty of you we have after ten years is something we did not have when we first lost you. Was that butterfly or bird you? Was that song at just the right time you or was I making something out of nothing? We no longer ask others or ourselves if it is you as we simply know. We know how to be parents between worlds now and we know how to carry you. It is a skill I wish we did not have but out of necessity we have developed the ability to carry you here, there and everywhere we go in everything we do. A few years ago I posted this poem by E.E. Cummings as it captures our journey on this earth without you physically with us.

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”.

I cannot change that you passed my sweet girl and each time I try it creates an indescribable level of pain. Ten years in I know this Emersyn. So instead I will share gratitude for your teachings over the past 10 years that have shaped the person I am….my flaws, wounds and all. I have so much gratitude for the support of our family, friends and people we continue to meet who remember and carry you with us. The community who carried us on the day of your diagnosis, throughout your life on earth and on the day of your passing on April 7th 2009 and everyday since then. To the hundreds of souls who carried us the day of your funeral we will never forget your heartfelt support. To the love we feel today sent to us from so many lives you have touched Emersyn. We have deep gratitude for our village we know you feel the same. You have carried all of us when we need you and you remind us that what matters most is caring for each other. When we care for each other we are doing our best work.

Thank-you Emersyn for inspiring us to reach deep and do our best even when we feel at our lowest. I hope everyone who has been touched by your life and our journey over the past 10 years feels our gratitude for helping to carry your heart. We will carry you to the Gazebo this morning where something greater will carry all of us just like the day you passed. A sacred moment where earth will meet heaven and our hearts will intertwine and we will be carried together by love.

Ten years later Emersyn I carry you here, I carry you there and I always will because you are my heart. Ten years later we do not move on from your passing we carry on with you in our hearts until we meet again.

We played this song at your funeral and the significance is felt so strongly today beautiful girl ~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXRJtsbYcSM

Love you always and forever,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo

Happy 10th Birthday Beautiful Emersyn

2018-09-15T22:58:00.002-04:00

It is the night before your 10th birthday Emersyn and I want to write to you now because we will be heading to a special place of yours tomorrow with your sister and brother. We are planning on driving up to Gravenhurst where your Dad and I went for a weekend away when we were in our early years of grief. This was at a time when Isla and Callum were not with us yet and I was not sure if we would ever have more children so we were at a crossroads in our grief. I wasn't up for going anywhere but we decided to go for a weekend away in Muskoka to be closer to nature and you. The plan was we would just feel as low as we felt and just be. Having a plan even it we didn’t follow through with it gave us some comfort.

The first morning away we went for a hike and just as I stopped to sit by the lake your Dad walked to the top of a path and he was shocked at what he saw. He asked me to come and look at what appeared to be one of the most soulful signs from you that we have ever experienced. At the bottom of the path were breathtaking signs that read “path of memories, we have a dream our children remembered forever” which led us to a Children's Memorial Gazebo on lake Muskoka for bereaved parents. We had no idea this existed and what were the odds that we randomly stumbled upon such a haven at such a low point in our journey? Coincidence was not a possibility it was divinely you and we were in awe, tears, laughter and total disbelief that this was happening! We sat stunned and read the beautiful plaques dedicated to the dear children who have passed and we cried.

Bright blue and red dragonflies had been whizzing around us all day and gave us a visit as we sat down in the memorial. We thanked you for finding us and lifting the veil between heaven and earth just when we needed it most. We called your Granny and Grandpa to tell them where we were and what we had found. We then placed a special request to dedicate a plaque to you and we spoke with the amazing bereaved parents who created this sacred place in honour of their precious child. Your plaque was added to the Children’s Memorial and your Dad and I have been back a few times to visit the place where you truly found us. I wrote a blog here about it for your second birthday as we had to share this sacred experience. We took your sister there when she was a baby but we would like to take both Isla and Callum and show them the place where you found us and gave us hope.

So this is our plan to help us be near you on your birthday. We will go to the beautiful place where the veil was lifted and heaven met earth in that moment in time. I remember trying to convince myself before finding the memorial that I shouldn't need signs to know you are with me.. but I do. I need these moments because I am human and life gets crazy and I need those grounding signs to hold on to you. I need to have moments when our two worlds meet and the noise of life tunes out and I can feel your head in my arms and your heart beating next to mine. The songs on the radio, the messages from friends at just the right time, the children’s memorial that appeared and the fire I feel in my soul to keep going when I have nothing left has to be you. I wonder if you knew in showing us the memorial that not long after that day I would become pregnant with Isla. I also wonder if you knew that just having a plan for tomorrow to visit this special place has helped us cope with the days leading up to your birthday. I also wonder if you knew that a quiet peaceful drive up there also helps us to cope when you chose this spot. I say I wonder but really I know because I am your Mom and you are mine and we know each other better than I know myself.

Ten years ago on this day my water broke at home around 4pm and I called your Dad and I remember feeling both scared and beyond excited to meet you. I remember sitting in the bedroom by myself getting ready to leave for the hospital and thinking that I wanted to hold you but I also wanted to hang on to you in my pregnancy just a little longer. I remember calling my amazing midwives and working through contractions while talking to them on the phone before they arrived. I remember feeling euphoric after your long and beautiful birth and I felt a sense of fullness that I never knew existed. I remember my Mom walking in the hospital room and I was holding you just as proud as a Mama bear. I know every parent feels their baby is the most special and I was no different as I felt you were sent straight from heaven just for us.Ten years ago on September 16th 2008 our special little girl Emersyn Paige Klomp was born and so were her Mom and Dad. We drove you home and I sat with your car seat in the back and said to your Dad if anything ever happened to you I don’t know what I would do. That was before I knew my time with you would be short. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday and the pride and pure love I feel for you spills out everyday.

Our love that was lit has continued to grow in all of its power. And I remember every birthday since then and the countless ways you have reached us to give us those tangible moments of connection when we need you most. I have so much love for you and I need places to put it and plans to help carry it even if we are too sad to go a plan and a place feels good to have. So today we will go to the place you found us at our lowest and share it with Isla and Callum and we know you will find us there. We know this because you are ours and we are yours for ten years now and forever more our sweet Emersyn Paige. We will see you tomorrow on your 10th birthday in the Gazebo by the water....

You are ours and we are yours and this song is for you because we know you send it to us when we need you most ~ I'm Yours

Happy 10th Birthday my Sweet Angel we love you,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo

Pressing the Pause Button in Honour of Emersyn

2018-04-07T16:18:00.000-04:00

9 years ago today on April 7th we lay on either side of Emersyn and felt her spirit leave this world on a snowy day much like today. In fact the snow only came moments after she passed and someone said that God turned off the weather in that moment as earth just lost a great soul. The strange thing is when we left the hospital carrying Emersyn in our arms to take her to the funeral home I did not feel one ounce of the cold.

I have replayed her passing so many times in my head and everyday we work around the hole. The hole of missing her smile, her soft dark hair and warm brown eyes. Every single day we carry our grief no matter what is happening at work, at home, with the kids or in the world we will never take off the shoes of being bereaved parents. And we have learned to do this over the years but not without a toll of course so we have to pace ourselves. Today, although we have worn these shoes for 9 long years it feels like we lost her yesterday and we feel the load is too heavy to carry. A restless and deep sorrow bubbles right to the surface and we know it well. A mixed bag of aching love and raw grief and what a combination those two great emotions are to make sense of.

The past few weeks have been exhausting building up to this day. The season, the month, Easter and the talk of Spring all started to slowly trigger the iceberg of grief. We know what our triggers are now but the only trouble is we don't know when they will happen or how we will react. Sometimes I am tapped out and can't shed another tear and other times a simple song comes on in the car and I am right back to the day we lost her.

Jay and I dropped Isla and Callum at my parents house today so we could have some time to process, reflect and grieve. Thank-you for your support as always Mom and Dad. Grief is such a personal experience so while Jason sits downstairs I am upstairs looking at her pictures and writing. It doesn't get easier with time but we have found some self care strategies that help.

When we drove back from the cemetery I said to Jason that the best way for people to honour Emersyn today would be to do some self care. I say this as lately I have felt tired, worn down and in need of some self care. I remember when Emersyn was alive a simple shower, cup of coffee or chat with family or friends really helped me to cope. I look back on those simple things and realize how important they were and how grateful I felt for those little things. I learned gratitude for the smallest things while I felt my greatest love and my greatest pain. I know Emersyn would want us all to stop functioning on overdrive, press the pause button and do something even a small thing that makes us feel cared for.

A great gift that Emersyn gave us was slowing down time when she was alive. I can truly say that everyday she was with us felt so important and those simple moments felt so rich. We knew that we had very limited time with our daughter and although she never traveled the world with us our everyday moments were steeped in joy and love. I did not care about taking care of myself when Emersyn was diagnosed with SMA. However I quickly learned that to take care of Emersyn and be there for her the small things like a cup of coffee or a chat with a friend would help me to be a better Mom.

In honour of Emersyn's beautiful life and the touchstone she has become for so many people we are asking this today....

Please press pause on the overdrive button and be kind to yourself. Take a walk, call a friend, read a book, write, eat a treat, take a nap, forgive yourself....or just sit and cuddle with the ones you love even if you only have 5 minutes. It is in these moments that you are letting your heart breathe, fill up and feel gratitude. Emersyn taught us that humans are resilient and can endure a great deal but life can take a toll on our bodies, minds and spirits. Self care is spiritual as it starts with looking within to figure out what might help and results in more energy to care for and connect with others.

In honour of Emersyn we are asking that all of our family, friends and anyone reading her blog please take a moment and be kind to your body, mind and heart today. My self care today is allowing time for my grief to just be without limitations. It is amazing what the heart can do when we fill it up.

Thank-you to our beautiful Emersyn for filling our hearts up daily and to everyone who has carried us over the past 9 years we are so grateful. Our hope is that you care for yourself today so you can care for and connect with others always.

We miss you Emersyn everyday and we will continue on this messy journey trying to look for hearts to fill with your love,

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your family and friends xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Butterflies Fly Away ~ Happy 9th Birthday Sweet Emersyn

2017-09-16T16:37:00.000-04:00

Today is Emersyn’s 9th birthday and my sweet girl would be in Grade 4 and no doubt just as funny and adventurous and unique as Isla and Callum. 9 years ago today after a long labour I felt like I could do anything because I had her. I remember having so much confidence that I actually slept in the hospital that night and sent Jason home while Emersyn and I slept soundly until morning. No one else was in our room and the maternity ward was slow that night and my daughter and I slept peacefully. I have never slept as soundly as I did that night and I wonder now if that was meant to happen as I would need my rest for what was to come. I may engage in life more now and carry my grief more privately but it is always there in all of it’s intensity a living breathing life line to Emersyn. Today I exhale and take my armour off and let myself fall as today I cannot carry the backpack of grief and juggle all the things that life involves not today. Today I am all about you Emerysn.

I woke up this morning had a shower got dressed went downstairs and let it hit me in all it’s impact. Isla and Callum got up and Jay made our usual Saturday morning pancakes while Isla wrapped her existing toys and put them in gift bags to take to the cemetery. Callum said he wanted to give you 8 cars how cute is he? We then went to the store and Isla came in with me to ask for balloons to be blown up and when the cashier asked who they were for Isla replied “my sister she’s 9 and she is in heaven and we are visiting her today so tie them tight”. Just as I was about to give my rehearsed response which I am more prepared for now 8 years in Isla chimes in and is sharing her sister’s legacy and I stood in Longo’s and I cried. I could barely speak as Isla smiled at the helium balloons being blown up and was in awe as she watched them float up to the moon as she says. The cashier stopped and looked at me and Isla differently and said “I think our next ribbon should be a gold one just for your sister she sounds pretty special”. I could tell our cashier wasn’t having a good day but as soon as Isla shared that these balloons were for her sister’s birthday in heaven it was like a light went on and Emersyn’s gifts were opened right in front of us. Isla was sharing her sister's gifts on her birthday.

It is what I like to believe is perspective, my little 9 year old Angel gives me this daily when I think things are stressful or too difficult I remember what she went through and how short her life was and I remind myself of perspective. I remember what we as a family have gone through and I think although my reserves are nearly tapped out I am able to carry on because nothing could be as bad as losing my daughter. I saw this woman who I just met stop and look at us and literally change as her eyes welled up and a smile came across her face as she chose the gold ribbon for the last balloon. She suddenly stood taller and more present and said “let me cut your flowers down to the right size for the cemetery I will be right back”. I could feel her sense of desire to help us as she cut them down to just the right size for the vase. She then found a bag for us to carry the balloons so they wouldn't fly away in the car and helped us carry everything and wrapped the flowers even though she knew where we were taking them. I felt her watching us as we went back to the car to meet Callum and Jason and I thanked Emersyn for reminding all of us that it is the little things we can do for each other that can make all the difference. I was also given perspective and felt gratitude to the kind stranger who carefully prepared her balloons and flowers for us today.

In a world that is crazy, hectic, media overloaded and constantly changing Emersyn is my mindfulness. She is my gentle compass guiding me back to what is right, what is kind and what really matters. She is the root of my empathy and the multiple lenses I look through when I consider different perspectives. She is also the root of my advocacy in my career that I love as a Special Education Teacher and as an advocate for my own children. Emersyn you are my lighthouse in the storm and my gold ribbon that ties me together when I feel weak.

Sometimes I can’t quite process that the greatest loss has happened to us because it is just too big to wrap my head and heart around. I think consciously and subconsciously I am always trying to integrate losing Emersyn into everything I do to continue surviving her death. I take her story and my love for her and I weave it into as many people, stories, songs, butterflies and special moments as I can. I make meaning not of her death because that is unexplainable but of her life and her gifts. Emersyn’s gifts are something I talked about in the eulogy I wrote for her funeral yet as I wrote those words I was not sure how her gifts would find me in such devastating pain.

Emersyn you are 9 today and it should be us showering you with presents and cake and fun crazy birthday celebrations with your friends but instead you keep giving to us. I hope I get it right as I reflect on your gifts so far as I feel you want us all to be reminded today of hope, bravery, compassion, gratitude, empathy, resilience, authenticity, humility, perspective and most of all love. I feared that my pain would dominate everything but I have learned that my pain does not need stifled or removed as it can live and breathe right next to my love for you. As long as my love is there my pain can exist and be channeled into helping others and myself to grow.

And Isla and Callum also wanted me to add that they noticed as we were driving out of the cemetery today the song Party in the USA came on and the line “the butterflies fly away” played on the radio just as a Monarch Butterfly flew over our car! Leave it to my 3 to throw in some pop wisdom for us today ;) I hope as you fly away Emersyn you know that we see your gifts and we hope we received them right my little/big girl.

I hope our gift to you today is continuing to challenge ourselves to do better and be better because we are all a work in progress.

Happy birthday my sweet, funny, charismatic beautiful Emersyn you are my heart and I hope I am your hands here on earth.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxo

8 Years an Angel

2017-04-07T15:36:00.001-04:00

8 years ago today on April 7^th 2009 our Emersyn passed away in our arms at McMaster Children’s hospital while snow fell in slow motion outside our window of the ICU. Jason and I laid on either side of her for two days and watched her chest rise and fall and listened to her heart beating. From the point we knew she was passing we did not want machines telling us her vitals because we already knew. We were her parents and we knew every move and sound she made, that is what you do when you are the parents of a child who is medically fragile and who had very specialized needs. That is what you do when you know your child better than you know yourself.

The hospital room was dimly lit and warm and the mood had shifted from crisis management to palliative care about 24 hours before she left us. My 7 month old daughter had the heart and soul of a warrior she was on her journey and this was her choosing her time and to this day I do not know how Jason and I did it but we journeyed as far as she would allow us to go with her. Our family and friends took their post outside the ICU and held space for us.

We knew when Emersyn was about to take her last breath and we felt her physical self leave us as we both announced at the same time around 2:00pm “she’s gone”. The snow that day in April continued to fall just like today and we lay there with Emersyn and slowly started to come back to earth without her physical self and felt like aliens in the unfamiliar shoes of bereaved parents. This was so much to take in so we didn’t take it in shock kicked in and anesthetized us until we were able to begin to process very small bits over time and in many ways we still are processing and always will be.

We were starting over from the ground up and looking back now I know she carried us up and down those ditches, valleys and flatlands of grief. She strapped us to her wings and carried us when she could but as we know now grief is the leader and we couldn’t go around it, we couldn’t go over it we had to go through it and let those waves hit us. We respect grief now she is an old friend and life line to our girl and we know that grief doesn’t care about timing it comes when it chooses and teaches us every day. As we sit here today and look at the journey we know our grief is not in hindsight. It is a part of us as much as Emersyn is part of us and it is important to us that people get that and are ok with it. We are very lucky to have really good people in our lives who do get that and we are grateful.

I have been incredibly blessed to be able to reflect my grief and healing in the work I do every day. After teaching Grade 1 for many years I am very grateful to have the opportunity this year to be one of our Special Education Resource Teachers at my school supporting our students, teachers and families. I feel extremely connected to Emersyn in my new role as I always think about the supports she would have needed if she had survived with SMA and gone to school. My brilliant little girl would have needed really amazing people who truly got her and her needs and I also know as long as those supports were there she would have loved school. Emersyn would have roped everyone in with her captivating eyes and her zest for life and fun! She would have loved all of the advancements in technology as she would have had some amazing opportunities to communicate in new ways and share those ideas that I know she would have been so full of. I will forever consider myself a parent of a child with special needs and I hold that title with great pride. To me being a parent of a child with special needs means you know your child better than anyone, you are a fierce advocate and you develop a keen sense for good people very quickly. I have been so lucky to have been surrounded on my journey with good people and I know Emersyn has had a hand in guiding us towards these kind and wise souls.

Emersyn continues to shape who I am and what I stand for both personally and professionally. Emersyn will always inspire Isla and Callum who have empathy and compassion on a level that comes through in the most beautiful ways. Just the other day Callum retired his favourite duck as he said it was time for it to go to heaven and keep Emersyn company. Isla said I looked sad today and needed one of her stuffed animals because I miss Emersyn. I think making meaning from suffering is what keeps us going and gives us purpose. We all have stories and that is what brings us together as humans and makes us feel connected. Emersyn’s story is far from over as every time I work with a student I think about her and what I would have wanted for my child. My hope is that Emersyn knows that every time we strive to do better and grow she is our driving force and fuel and our reminder to continue to seek the road less travelled.

When people share with me that Emersyn has inspired them and her story gives them strength and hope that is the greatest gift I could ever receive. Thank-you beautiful Emersyn for continuing to teach us that we are all a work in progress and our grief can also be our greatest source of love and growth.Thank-you to my beautiful little girl who did not get to live long in this physical world but continues to find creative and brilliant ways to reach us on a level that far surpasses what we can see or touch because it can only be felt in our hearts. I promise you Emersyn that I will continue to spread that feeling because your love is too good to tuck away it needs to spill over and shine just like you.

We love you my dear child and I will always see you in the eyes of the students I work with and in the good in the people I meet and care about so much.

Fly free and spread your love you are missed and loved beyond measure,

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo

Happy 8th Birthday Emersyn

2016-09-17T19:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Emersyn,

I am a day late in writing my birthday letter to you my sweet beautiful girl. I wasn’t feeling very well yesterday and my energy was focused on just getting through the day and letting myself feel what I needed to. I see myself being more compassionate with myself now in grief and letting it be ok if I can’t do certain things exactly when I think they should happen. I know you understand that and in fact I know it is you who has been trying to teach me that for a while now. I hear you beautiful girl I understand that loving you and missing you happens every day and sometimes on the extra tough days like your birthday it is ok for me to rest and recoup and give myself a break from the pressure of doing it all at once. It does not mean I miss you less or love you less it means I am able to trust in our love and connection and the power of that. It means I am finding more gems of healing when I allow myself to feel my grief.

Faith is a powerful thing and it has taken time to grow again within me and it is nothing I have done it has evolved on its own on my journey through honoring grief. Grief is good, grief is sacred and grief is the other side of deep love they are two powerful emotions and they are drawn from the same well of my soul. Grief feels a lot like love but with an ache so strong that it can stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. I allowed myself to be stopped in my tracks yesterday and to not be “ok” I allowed my tears as they truly are sacred healing gems. I allowed myself to indulge in every detail of your beautiful birth and in the 7 sacred months we were blessed to have with you. I even allowed myself to go there and imagine the gorgeous soulful 8 year girl you would have been and what we would have actually done for your big day. I gave myself permission to go there because in doing so I return stronger.

What an honour it is to tell your story, what a privilege it is to share your magic and what a heartache it is you can’t be here with me to tell it in your own words. All any mother wants is to know her children are safe, happy and loved and I know you are all of those things but still my heart cries out for you even when I think I have figured out an agreement with my grief I realize that my Mother’s heart is primitive and I will forever search in the sunrises, sunsets and stars at night looking for glimpses of you.

Yesterday when I woke up on the morning of your 8th birthday I said to myself I can’t wait to see how you will find me today. I can’t wait to see what sure sign you will send me. I am at a point in my journey where I can confidently say you will find me when I need you most. And as I opened up my email last night before going to bed our photographer from 2 years ago who did our family photos with us holding your picture sent me a few emails of our family picture that she had taken as she wanted to edit it to make the colour better. I haven’t spoken with her in months and without knowing the significance of September 16^th she sent our family pictures of us holding your beautiful photo and said she just thought she would send these today since she found them a few weeks ago and wanted us to have them. Her timing was perfect and little did she know she was guided by the hand of my brilliant 8 year old little girl.

You find me when I need you most sweet Emersyn and you remind me that there is nothing more powerful than the love we share it is pure and eternal. Heaven and earth are merely a veil between us.

Your Auntie Catherine wrote you the most beautiful card and on the front one of my favourite quotes from the Little Prince ~

“ In one of the stars I shall be living, in one of them I shall be laughing, and so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night”~

I will search for you as long as I live Emersyn and as I am searching I will spread your love and light. So if you see me smiling at a butterfly or looking intently at the night sky you know I am searching for you,

Happy 8^th Birthday to the brightest Angel I know we love you always,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo

2016 Rebecca Run for SMA - Emersyn's Entourage

2016-07-09T19:06:00.001-04:00

Amazing morning at the 2016 Rebecca Run for SMA! So much love felt from friends and family who came out to support Emersyn's Entourage today both in person and online through sponsors and messages! As always the presence of our SMA Angels and Warriors was felt by all and the momentum of positive energy and community strength was palpable. Over $115,000 was raised today for SMA and that is because of each and every person taking action and coming together to raise money towards a CURE which is truly on the horizon. Today was a good day for SMA. Thank you to all who supported this very special event it means more than you know!

Sincerely with so much love, remembrance and most of all HOPE,
The Klomp Family xoxoxo

7 Years ~ Rainbows and Wildfire

2016-04-07T11:47:00.001-04:00

Dearest Emersyn,

7 years ago today on April 7^th I lost you and 7 years later it is still so hard for me to say that out loud. As your Mother I can’t seem to say this fact enough times to make it “normal” or less painful because you are my heart and the driving force behind everything I do. And that is how I cope with losing you by finding a path and paving it with you.

You always nudge me to take the road less traveled and to push myself to try harder even when I think I have gone as far as I can go you show me resilience, perspective and undying Hope. The truth is I long to talk about you as normally and as often as I talk about Isla and Callum so today on your Angel Day as heart breaking as this day is it also feels like I can really talk about you and how you continue to teach me. I can’t share the small day to day joys of your tales at school or something funny you did this morning because you are no longer physically here. But I can share your rainbows, butterflies and unexplainable moments of connection that without a doubt are you reaching out and hugging me when I need it most saying “keep going Mom you got this you CAN do this”. So here is my update Emersyn on how I am doing with your gifts and what I am spinning my pain into for you and I hope you approve. I hope that these were your intentions sweet girl and I hope anyone reading this feels your wisdom and can take your good and continue to spread it like wildfire.

I have learned………

to live with a heavy weight on my chest and an aching heart while also feeling joy and love at the same time. I am your Mother and part of parenting you from the beyond means that I need to feel connected to you anyway I can whether it be through heartache or sheer pride that you are mine and I am yours no matter where you are. I am learning to balance the scales of regular days and joys that your amazing sister and brother bring me but I also must make time to feel you and so I am learning the counter balance of these things.

Because of you I don’t see barriers anymore I see challenges. As a teacher when I walk into my classroom each day I look at your picture, I feel you with me and ask you to guide me as an Educator and a role model to my students. I remember all of the fun we had when you were alive and think about how the wonder of a child can carry any heart away to the most beautiful of places and diminish the anxiety and fear that a disease like SMA can cause. I remember being at McMaster hospital in your final week with my two incredible sisters and singing Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds while you lay smiling and moving your chubby little arms back and forth in approval of your serenade. The hospital and the machines and the weight of what was happening lifted because when you smiled and laughed nothing else mattered.

I have learned that sometimes we can’t fix things in the way that we may want to so we must change our perspective and create happiness and celebrate joys in a different way. You have taught me true empathy and real compassion by always trying to put myself in the other person’s shoes. You are teaching me the importance of true self care and this is a hard one for me but I am realizing how important this is. Taking time for fun, my health, my family and my grief are all important so I am trying to make them all a priority. You have taught me courage. Every time I think I can’t do something I feel you nudging me to try it even if it scares me. I think back to those final days of your life and to your funeral and surviving each day since and I think if I can do this I can do anything and that is because of you my greatest teacher my sweet child.

I have learned that our love transcends this physical world and because of this I know I will see you again and what a day that will be. So I hope these are some of the lessons that you have wanted me to learn so far and I promise I will continue to try and take your gifts and do something good with them. I will watch for your signs and wait for the lessons. And thanks for the dose of Hope this morning just when we needed it most. On our way to the cemetery on this cold and rainy morning while driving Daddy spotted a rainbow that lasted only a few minutes. On this grey sad day that big bold rainbow stood out and out shined all of the grey which is such an Emersyn thing to do! I have become an interpreter of your signs so I am hoping I interpret this correctly when I say no matter how hard something may seem or how bad we may feel there is always love and hope and they can all co-exist in this big beautiful messy world and in our human hearts and there is still raw beauty in that.

We miss you beyond words and we love you beyond worlds and although our hearts are so heavy with grief today we see your rainbow and we carry on with love, hope and so much pride that we are blessed to be your parents.

Then, now and forever we love you sweet girl and cherish your gifts,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla, Callum and all of your extraordinary family and friend’s xoxoxoxoxo

Happy 7th Birthday Emersyn ~ Do You Remember....

2015-09-15T23:53:00.000-04:00

Birth plan - check. Hospital bag – check. Car seat and diaper bag – check. Husband ready with 20 bags and instructions for 20 different things –check! Home birth basket ready to go – just in case. All the ‘checks’ were ready except for one that none of us could have anticipated even in our weakest moments. Grief plan – we could not have prepared for losing you Emersyn even when you were diagnosed 4 months after you were born. Nothing could have prepared us to go from celebrating the birth of our first child on September 16^th 2008 to saying good-bye to your amazing little self 7 months later. I look back now and I know that I am not the same person but I am certain that I am and always will be your Mom filled with memories and love that will never die.

Today September 16^th 2015 you turn 7 Emersyn even in heaven it is your day where the Angels come together and bake a cake and take you on a whirlwind of birthday fun through the clouds. And I as your Mom will always want to know that today your day is being honoured and celebrated in some way and somewhere there is a little gathering of hearts celebrating with you while we honour you here on earth and send you love, hugs and kisses. I still need to parent you from the beyond and today especially since I know that if you were still here with us I would have wanted to make today just perfect just like every parent wants to make their child's birthday magical and meaningful.

Today we allow ourselves to unravel in our grief journey and in that unraveling we are free to feel any and every emotion that comes over us. We have learned that our heart wound since losing you is more manageable when we give it the attention and space it so rightfully deserves. We are getting better at anticipating the big waves of grief and knowing when it is time to pull back, be quiet and give our hearts the healing space needed to think, release and reflect. So today we remember and we won’t hold back for the sake of coping we will “go there” because we love you and our grief connects us to you. Grief can be loving, painful, exhausting but most of all it is a reflection of our love for you so it is worth it.

I remember being pregnant and fussing over which name we would give you. I remember taking name polls with my grade 1 class creating our short list of favourites it was so fun and meaningful to include my students! I knew I wanted a name that was unique and special….for some reason I was adamant it had to have a profound meaning. So finally after much deliberation Emersyn made the cut because not only was it of Scottish decent (points with my parents!) but the meaning of your name struck me so much—Home Strength. Your name means Home Strength. Little did I know that Home Strength would be the words that we would choose to have written on your stone at your special spot where we now go to honour your memory. Little did we know that we would need copious amounts of pure Home Strength to cope with your diagnosis and passing. Little did we know that when we named you we were actually defining the very thing that would be vital to our survival as a family in grief – Home Strength.

We remember when you were born and our family came to meet you in the hospital and we could not hide our pride at our perfectly content, beautiful, snuggly and warm miraculous baby girl. I mean babies are born everyday but we like all new parents, especially first time parents felt like we were the first people on earth to experience this joy you were absolutely perfect! I remember our friends meeting you two weeks after you were born and I could hardly contain my gushing “new Mom obsessive crazy love happiness” when they arrived to meet you! The image that comes to mind is when little Simba in the movie The Lion King is presented to the world after he is born and held up with such distinction. I honestly felt like I needed to pause the world to let every single soul know you were finally here you were and still are a really BIG deal.

I have learned to hold my memories of you tightly in my heart and I pick and choose when and who I want to share these sacred times with. But today on your 7^th birthday I am not keeping these memories tucked away no not today they are too special just like you. I am totally ok with the world knowing that today is bittersweet for us as we remember the most joyous day when you were born while missing you beyond measure. I am totally ok with the world knowing that although we live without your physical self we will never stop loving you and our connection to your heart has never changed. My mind thinks about you and wonders just as much as I do about Isla and Callum and my heart will never quite understand or accept that you are gone. The heart is stubborn and persistent that way and thank God for that!

I still hold your blanket and remember how cozy you were while I held you in the middle of the night when you nursed. I remember before knowing you had SMA your first and only Thanksgiving at Auntie Catherine’s house and how everyone took turns taking a million photos with the famous and fabulous Emersyn! I remember our morning walks together talking to you about the birds, trees, sights and sounds around us and your big brown eyes looking at me like you knew exactly what I was talking about and you could not have been more fascinated and believe me my sweet girl the feeling was mutual.

Today we let ourselves remember and go there because how can we forget the day you were born. How can we forget the first car ride home and your first Halloween and your first time waking up where both Daddy and I sat there in awe of how awesome our baby girl was at 3:00am in the morning. How can we forget your first bath your first stroller ride around the neighborhood and your first smile….oh how I miss that smile. Today is your 7^th birthday and since we can’t shower you with physical gifts and fun times with your little friends we will shower you with memories because we need you to know that these precious memories you gave to us along with the lessons you continue to share with us now are our roots of love and source of strength. We need you to know that our motivation to try harder and be better no matter what stems from you and our memories of your strength and love.

Happy Birthday to our wise, funny, inspiring and incredible 7 year old little girl we love you more than words can capture and we treasure our memories as they unravel in all of their beauty today. Emersyn Paige you are 7 here, there and everywhere and the world is better because you were here.

We love you to the moon and back and our Home Strength continues to grow thanks to you. We dedicate "Do you Remember" by Jack Johnson to you because we will never forget you and the day you were born.

Happy Birthday Angel Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Isla and Callum xoxoxoxoxoxo

Emersyn's Entourage 2015!

2015-05-06T15:25:00.001-04:00

Dear Emersyn’s Entourage!

It’s that time of year again to gather your friends and family and join us for the 2015 Rebecca Run for SMA on Saturday July 4th at Fairy Lake in Newmarket Ontario. The race offers something for everyone: 1km family walk/run/roll, 3km walk/run/roll or a 5km run/walk/roll. All proceeds from the run are donated to Families of SMA Canada. To register for the race please visit www.rebeccarun.com. All registrations received prior to June 6th will receive a specialized technical t-shirt with Emersyn's team name on it. Register early to avoid disappointment as spots fill up FAST! When registering please indicate that you are a member of Emersyn’s Entourage and email melanieklomp@cogeco.ca to let us know so we can add your name to our team on Emersyn’s blog at www.emersynpaige.blogspot.com. If you are unable to join us this but would like to sponsor one of our members or raise funds for our team please visit the following link http://www.rebeccarun.com/fundraising.html and please know how much we appreciate every dollar raised!

Features for this year’s event include:

-Our 2015 Race Honouree is the amazing Asha Buliung. Click here http://www.rebeccarun.com/asha.html to read more about this precious little girl and her amazing family.

-The Rebecca Run is proud to be celebrating its 14th anniversary in 2015 – what an accomplishment!

-“Market Place” will be there again this year where exciting items will be sold with a portion of the proceeds going towards SMA research.

-Complimentary Barbeque, healthy snacks and refreshments before and after the race will be provided for all participants thanks to our generous event sponsors.

-Check out the Rebecca Run Prize Incentive Fund Raising Rewards!

SMA is the number one genetic killer of children under the age of two. 1 in 6,000 babies is born with SMA and 1 in 35 people carry this killer gene. SMA is just as common as Cystic Fibrosis but has a fraction of the awareness. We NEED to change this! The Rebecca Run is a fantastic way to raise money and awareness for a CURE for SMA. Since the launch of the Rebecca Run 14 years ago an extraordinary $2 million dollars has been raised for Families of SMA Canada – AMAZING!!

Jason and I would like to thank everyone for your ongoing love and support in helping us honour Emersyn and raise money towards a CURE. It has been 6 years since Emersyn’s life was taken at the age of 7 months old from SMA Type 1. For us it feels like yesterday we miss her so much she will always be our first precious child and we try hard to honour her especially when these important fundraising events for SMA can help change so many lives of children and families living with this terrible disease. Emersyn’s sister Isla and baby brother Callum will only know their big sister through pictures and the stories we share about her. It is through events like the Rebecca Run where they will be able to continue to honour their big sisters life and spirit while learning about the importance of helping others in our Community.

We miss and love Emersyn in a way that words could never express and we will forever carry the pain of losing her to this tragic disease. In honour of Emersyn’s 6th Angel Date and in honour of all of our SMA Angels and Warriors we need your help to raise enough money to CURE SMA.

Wishing you love, remembrance and hope and please know that one person’s support can make a HUGE difference! Sincerely,Melanie, Jason, Isla, Callum and our special Angel Emersyn

“But love does not die. The script of her life is written in my heart and it still glistens in the soul of my memory"