Emily's life with HLH

I see things differently now!

2013-10-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

Psalm 107:1

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!

Oh give thanks to the Lord....that is what I was doing Monday.    Monday was the day. The day I said I wasnt going to dwell on. The day I said I was just going to treat it as any other day, but honestly, how could I?

Monday, September 30th, was the third anniversary of the day I called 9-1-1 and Emily was in ICU. That was the day I felt like my life changed and could have changed forever.

Monday ~ I was so thankfully we were getting ready for school. Emily was so excited because it was picture day for her. Benjamin was just as excited because it was his school day as well. The date didnt really hit me too much until after I had dropped both kids off at school and I looked at the clock when I got into the car. That is when it hit me. Hit me that around three years ago, I was making frantic phone calls to Bryan and to 9-1-1.    As the thoughts and memories came rushing back, one of my favorite songs came on. "Not for a Moment" by Meredith Andrews.    As I listened to the words to the song, I could feel the tears start to form. The song now had new meaning to me. I loved the song but now, listening to the words ~ I felt almost as if God Himself was reminding me that during that time ~ He NEVER left us. We - Emily - were wrapped up in His arms and He was in control of the situation.

The day continued on, but this year, it was different for me. This year it wasnt a time where I really sat and replayed everything in my mind and was depressed. This year, I made a point to be more thankful.   Yes - this horrible thing happened in my daughters life BUT I am so thankful that God healed her and continues to heal her daily. Monday - a new way to remember what happened.

And it begins again!

2013-09-04T10:02:00.000-04:00

And so it begins again! Another school year has started and another summer has come to an end. How quickly this summer has gone by. Honestly, it seems like this summer flew by faster then most. Why? I have no answers for you.

When I got out of school for the summer it seemed to be a really long and now, it seems like you blink too fast and its already the first day of school!

Before school started, we went shopping. Yes, it is one of Emily's favorite things to do! Spend money ~ that isnt necessarily hers! She is a HUGE One Direction fan and we went to a mall where they have a Build-a-Bear store. Ever since she found out that they have a One Direction Bear ~ she has seriously been bugging me to take her there to get the bear! We went! Oh my goodness was she a happy girl! After enjoying a day of shopping, Ben fell asleep on the way home. We were almost to our house when I felt as though I was hit in the face. Not in a bad way but more in a "reality check" way.

There is a family that lives really close to our house. When Emily and I took a cake decorating class at the beginning of the year, one of the daughters from this family took it as well. She was a beautiful, happy and just very friendly 13 year old. She really befriended Emily. What was amazing to me is seeing a little bond developing between them. What I didnt realize at the beginning is how much they also had in common. See, this young lady was battling cancer. She was in remission, I believe the second time. She had a couple more treatments and then she would be finished. We talked about the wish trip she wanted to go on. Her medications and mostly, her love for her family. You could see when her parents came back to pick her up just the pure love they had for her. Not a "i feel bad for you love" but just a true love (as any parent would for their child) but it was different. It seemed to be a much deeper love. A love with respect built in, a love with "you are my hero" and just genuine, unconditional love. This incredible girl was doing very well until one day during the summer. She took a turn for the worse, she ended up having a stroke and passed away. My heart broke into what felt like tiny pieces. I couldnt imagine what the family was dealing with.

As we came home from our day of shopping, I turn down the street to head home and I see the mom going for a walk. I felt a lump develop in my throat as I try to hold back the tears. I was able to just spend the day with my daughter. To go shopping with her and buy her something that she really wanted. This mom is no longer able to do that. I was able to buy my daughter a couple new shirts for school, this mom is no longer able to do that. Tuesday, I was able to take a picture of my daughter on her first day of school. This mom, will no longer be able to do that.

When we sit down this year to take our kids to school, do homework with them, go to parent-teacher conferences, sports events, school plays or whatever else our life will now be busier with ~ remember how blessed you are. Dont take things for granted. Be thankful that you have the opportunity to do this with your child or kids.   We dont know Gods plan for our lives or our loved ones and you may not have them to do it again.

To this family, I continue to pray for you. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart.

I need you now

2013-08-22T00:49:00.000-04:00

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

The summer is coming to an end so quickly which means the kids will be back in school. This is always so bittersweet for me. I LOVE having the kids home with me. I miss them terribly when they return to school BUT I dont miss the fighting! The "missing" of them seems to go away quickly as I get into my routine again. Going to the grocery store ~ BY MYSELF!!! Not having to hear the fighting and begging!

But what this time of year also brings are memories. Memories of sort that I would rather not have to deal with. Memories I wish I never had. I have started to not dwell on it as much as I did on that first "anniversary". I have learned to acknowledge the date and move past it. The date - you ask. The dreadful September 30, 2010 - the morning I had to call 911 for Emily.

I usually dont start thinking about it this soon. I mean really, its like 5 weeks away ~ but whose counting! What started the thought process and this particular date was the story of what happened.

Let me back up a little.   Last week, we went up north to my parents place. We spent about 5 days there. Excited for the kids to go swimming in the lake, go to the county fair, maybe go on a little day trip and, of course, get some book reading in (and SHOPPING)!   We were all looking forward to it. The kids were able to swim a couple days out of time we were there. It was cold....like October cold! We decided to take a little day trip to the U.P., cross the Mackinaw Bridge (NOT my favorite part, I might add) and then come back (again, having to cross the bridge) and then shop in the city! We shopped and ate dinner there and just had a great time. On the way home, with Benjamin sleeping in the back, Emily simply just asked the question "what happened that day". Bryan began to tell her the story. Some back story and leading up to things and then he got to that morning. As he tell the story, I sat quietly in the passenger seat. Looking out the window in the dark sky but all I could see was that morning. As Bryan spoke the words, the video that I had buried so deep into my mind decided to start playing. The words spoke, almost like he was the narrator for the video I was watching. I could feel my heart start to speed up a little and the fear start to surface. I knew the outcome this time though, but it still didnt make it any easier. The tears in my eyes begin to well up and I do everything to hold them back. I close my eyes and I can once again see my little baby laying in the bed with a vent and IV's coming out from every place possible. All I feel like saying is Lord, I need you!

After he finished, it was a quiet ride back to my parents place. The story seemed like just that ~ a story, even though it was real life but almost three years ago. We went on to enjoy the rest of the time there.

When we got back home, I was quickly reminded about the sub-division garage sale that is going on this weekend. The note that was left on the counter exactly where I had placed it and then a return phone call from the lady in the sub saying she rec'd my message. I was also quickly reminded about how I have so much work ahead of me this week.

Bryan and the kids have been a huge help. Helping to bring things up to the garage, Bryan setting up all the tables for me and starting to get things out, the kids willing to sell some of their toys (ONLY if they get to keep the money for the sale ~ they had me sold)! As we were taking tub after tub up, Bryan pointed over to about 6-8 tubs of clothes that I have. All of these are marked "Emily's clothes" and then the appropriate size that goes along with what is inside.   I told him those stay here. I said those were here "steroid" clothes and since she doesnt fit into them now, she will grow back into them! He then went to another part of the basement. He asked me about two other tubs. I was shocked to see these particular tubs still there as I thought I had gotten rid of them. These tubs were marked "Emilys clothes size 7/8". I set those aside to look at what remained in there but later.   Later that night I sat down and opened them. My eyes again started filling with tears as I see one tub filled with new clothes. New clothes that all still had the tags on them. New clothes that I had bought for her in 2010 to start the school year off and she never was given the chance to wear them. The pain etched back into my heart again and the sadness took over. It saddens me and once again reminds me of the stages i missed with her. The stages that were stolen from me, from her ~ from this disease. its another slap in the face of how it affected her.   I again found myself saying "Lord, I need you".

I realize its "only clothes" but to me, its much more. It represents a loss almost. It represents a time in her life that was affected by this disease. To sit and watch little girls play that are 3 or 4 ~ it hurts. It is a reminder of what we never got to experience. My little girl never got to wear her 24 month Easter dress because she was on steroids and now wearing a 5T. My little girl didnt get to wear the clothes like the other girls in her class because they didnt make them in her size. I know its only clothes - but its what it represents. Her life (and some degree, mine as well) is on a timeline. Its a timeline of "oh, thats when Emily was sick the first time" or "thats when Emily just got of the steroids", etc. Its the loss. Its the sadness that overcomes me when it is something I wasnt expecting. I wasnt expecting to open that tub to find that, to feel the pain again. But after I wiped the tears away before they had a chance to wet my cheek, I was able to say...."thank you Lord, because I need You to help me with this".

In setting things up the way I like to have them for a sale, I found myself also saying, we have her here.   We have her and right now, she is doing wonderfully! Right now, she is getting ready to start school and healthy. Right now, the Lord has healed her so she can live a "normal" childhood. I feel blessed. She is growing into such an amazing young lady. She loves the Lord and has given her heart to Him! It melts my heart when I hear Emily and Benjamin singing and singing their hearts out to God. Giving Him the praise. That is what I will choose to dwell on. Those little voices singing...on September 30th this year, that is what my heart and maybe my voice too, will be doing. Giving Him the praise and the glory!

Here is a song I love and when I get into moments of crying out to God ~ this is what my heart crying to Him!

Train up your child....

2013-07-29T00:33:00.000-04:00

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it"
Proverbs 22:6

About nine months we started talking about going on vacation this summer. Bryan and I talked of how awesome it would be to go to New York. This is great but we also needed to take into consideration Ben and if he could manage all the walking we would do.

Bryan has an aunt and uncle that live in New York. He has been there numerous times growing up and into his adult life. I had only been there once and it was when we got engaged! It also happened to be six months before 9/11.

After talking about it, we finally decided we would do it! Benjamin would HAVE to do the walking and we knew Emily could manage it. Now that she was off the steroids and the "puffiness" from the steroids was now gone ~ she could do it! When we started talking about them and the different places we would go and another issue that came up was money.

Obviously New York is expensive! Throw into the mix two kids that LOVE to shop and, oh by the way, LOVE toys...this could turn into one extra expensive vacation!   We decided to put some money away for the trip for normal spending ~ food, gas (as we were driving), costs for any museums we may go to, etc. So to try and teach them something, I got two mason jars. I took my p-touch and made labels that said "Emilys Jar" and "Benjamins Jar". The labels were then put on the mason jars. These were kept high up in the cupboard so the little hands couldn't easily get in them without me knowing. I showed them the container I had that I was also saving my money in as well. They did great at saving money. Emily was saving to go to the American Girl store and Ben ~ well, he is 4 and he wants everything!   Every dime or penny they found it went in the jar. It got to the point that they started "charging" family members $1.00 per hug to earn more money for the trip. Emily's birthday fell in there and she asked for only money! I was so impressed with their determination to save as much as they could so they could get what they wanted while we were gone.   In the end, Emily saved up enough money to buy 3 1/2 American girl dolls (she bought 2) and Ben saved up about half as much as Emily did. They did an awesome job and they reaped the benefits of it! The learned a lesson in this!

Their hard work and determination made me feel good! I mean they have watched me save for things that I wanted. I love my Louis Vuitton ~ I admit. They watched me save to be able to buy a purse and now they watched as I saved to buy a wallet/change purse when we went to New York. Knowing how they are watching me and knowing that they see my determination and then I look at them, it reminds me of this verse.   I realize this verse applies to many more areas then just saving for that special thing you want....but it made me realize just how much they are learning. It made me realize every word I say to them, every time I may yell at them ~ its training them.

Next time you say something to your kids ~ good or bad ~ will you think about it before hand? Will you regret what you said later? I am guilty of this. I need to remember that I am training my kids daily. Will the training you do, how will it pay off in the long run? Will they be serving the Lord with it? Will the training be to honor Him?

And the award goes to.....

2013-05-20T20:42:00.000-04:00

Study to shew yourself approved to God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

2 Timothy 2:15

This verse is the theme verse for Awana. We finished our year in Awana last week. It was the award night. This was my first year participating in it (I am the secretary for the kindergarteners). It was a little bittersweet. How the year went by so fast.

As this being my first year, I can honestly say it was different from what I expected. Not in a bad way, by any means. I didnt know what to expect. I should back up and say ~ to be selfish ~ when I heard that they were in need of help, I said...not this year but next. I wanted to sit home and enjoy a house that was quiet. This would be Benjamin's first year in it as well and I would have a couple hours of just quiet. Apparently, the Lord had other plans in mind. The secretary position was in need of someone. Bryan came home one night after a Awana meeting and mentioned it to me. I kept saying Lord, I want my time. I quickly learned that when its the Lord moving....you move!

I knew how hard my kids worked to achieve the goals the were working for. I mean they worked hard. I amazed me at Benjamin wanting to say more then one verse each week because Emily could. He ended up finishing his book plus the extra credit verses and the

Benjamin right after he received his award!

extra things that have in the book! The joy on his face when he received his award was incredible. The fact that I didnt have to fight (too much) with him to learn the verses and that he wanted to do his best was so inspiring at just the age of 3 (and now 4).

Emily ~ she amazes me each year. This is her second year participating in the program. Last year she completed 3 books in one year. This year she completed her entire book plus the review and the gold review. She worked hard and literally up to the last minute to complete this! This was her goal at the beginning of the year and she was successful! There was only Emily and one or two others that accomplished this! It brings my heart such joy when my kids WANT to learn these verses, that they WANT to go to Awana and to know ~ if this

Emily coming off the stage after receiving her awards

brings me this much joy and pride in my kids ~ I cant imagine how the Lord feels!

I must continue, though, and explain why it was different then I expected. I didnt expect to look forward to seeing these kids each week. I didnt expect to love these kids as much as I do. I didnt expect to be amazed at seeing how God was moving in each of them. I didnt expect to be so proud of kids that werent even my own. I didnt expect to be so proud that I was getting so choked up giving them their awards ~ even if it was simply their participation ribbon. The fact that they came, they wanted to come, each week. The fact that they told you things about themselves.

I feel so honored and blessed to do what God has asked me to do. That I moved when HE said move instead of ignore His voice to be selfish and stay home. Dont get me wrong, I

Emily came to show me her award first!

feel every mom (especially stay-at-home moms) NEED some time by themselves but I also feel when you hear HIS voice ~ His plans are going to be far more rewarding that catching up on the DVR!

As sadden as I am that this year of Awana has ended, I do say with a heart full of joy and eagerness ~ I look forward to next year and seeing how the Lord will move in the hearts of these kids.

2013-05-13T20:59:00.002-04:00

Her children arise up, and call her blessed...
Proverbs 31:28

Mothers Day was Sunday and it's always such a blessing. It's a blessing to have my kids with me and my husband. To be able to share this day with my mom and my mother-in-law. Its just wonderful. But I also dont forget the pain that this day can also bring for some.

On Mothers Day, I am often in thought of the mothers that have passed away. Its apart of life, I realize this. But what I am talking about is when the pass away at an early age ~ from a sickness or just so suddenly. I often think of my cousin who is just a couple years older then me but has been without her mother for several years. I think of one of my good friends who has been without her mom for half her life and she is about my age. I cant imagine how incredible this day is for them as they have their own kids but how there must be this void in their lives as well. There is almost that guilt I feel because I still have my mom here. They have helped me to not take her (or my mother-in-law) for granted.

Not only can mothers day be such a bittersweet day like exampled above but it can also be such a


Ben wanted Austin to wear his jacket

painful day for others. Woman so wanting and longing to have a baby. Wanting or trying to get pregnant and not being able too. Longing to adopt a baby but how long that process is. It is a very hard situation to deal with. My heart goes out to them because I also remember how it is. I remember the years trying to get pregnant (not knowing that I have PCOS at this time) and it not happening. How painful it was to celebrate mothers day and knowing I wasnt in that category. I wasnt in the elite club that I so longed to be in.

The Lord is amazing how He works. He has blessed me with three amazing kids. They are all

different right from the start. It is incredible to see the people they are, who they are becoming and praying for what they will do and be. Austin was my easy baby. Never cried, asked to go to bed, walked early and everything else. Emily was a good baby as well she was just always sick. Ben...he was a good baby but I think he is making up for everything now ~ from all three kids! He is a handful to say the least! He is four and all over! To give you an idea of how some of our days can be ~ he can be so good at school and after we get home in a 4 hour time frame can get in trouble for painting his finger nails (ok the top of ALL his fingers) red and getting some on the table cloth (thank goodness it was vinyl). After Bryan came home I hear him yelling at Ben....Ben actually listened and did NOT throw rocks around the yard near the patio but he did throw them all over the back of the yard. After he was sent in the house he just played at the table. I finished the dishes and sat down and about 2 minutes later, Bryan is in the house yelling at him and spanking him. I mean seriously, what could he have done to warrant that? Well, he took two of Emily's dolls from her dollhouse, took the dog's food and put it in the dog's water and then proceeded to take the dolls and have them swim in the water infested with food. Oh, did I mention there was also water all over the hardwood floors because the dolls were splashing too much? Sometimes I wonder if Benjmain is just too bored or just too smart he doesnt know what to do with himself. Hopefully its the last thought because with his


Sneaking the camera & taking pics of himself

imagination I have no idea how he could be bored! This is just a sample of how my days are with Ben. It never ends. I admit I will lose my patients, be so upset with him or just plain ready to give up by 2:45 when I get Emily. But with all the day-to-day events that come my way, I still sit back and praise my Lord for the amazing kids He gave me. I may not have the confidence in raising them or I may not even feel like Iam that good of a mom BUT God knows what He is doing and I am not going to argue with His plan! He must've thought if I could handle what we dealt with when Emily was sick & in-patient, doctors appointments and the list goes on ~ than having Ben would be like a walk in the park! I still sit back and wonder how He thinks I can handle it. I cant. The only way I do is being in constant communication with Him...loving Him and thanking Him for the blessings I have ~ the good and bad days!

Last year at mothers day was so special. Emily asked Jesus to come into her heart the day after. This year ~ a couple weeks ago ~ she was baptized. Its times like this that I know I am doing His will. Raising them to know and love God and to grow up in a Bible preaching church! I remember that night like it was just last night. Praying with her in her room when she went to bed. Oh how my

Baptism 4/14/13

heart overwhelms with joy knowing my baby will be in heaven for eternity! Its been 11 years, but I remember the night Austin did. He was in his room and me in mine. Bryan and I were engaged. Austin yelled to me from his room "Mom, will you help me to pray and ask Jesus in my heart". And thats what happened. We yelled back and forth as he prayed and while I held back the tears! I just cant wait for when Benjamin does!

Introducing Me!

2013-04-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

When you first meet someone, do you tend to be a little reserved? Hold things back or tell them everything about yourself? In the past, I feel I have been the one hiding in the corner. Reserve may not quit fit how shy I used to be. I do think I have come out of my shell a little bit. Sometimes maybe a little too much!

"Introducing Me" is a song off the Camp Rock 2 CD and from the movie. I know ~ great...why am I talking about this?! Well, this is a silly, fun song. Its just makes you smile when you hear it! For me, it has special meaning. It takes me back to a time in our life that wouldnt normally make someone smile!

When Emily was in ICU and on her vent, this was the time when The Jonas Brothers...well, they were the Justin Beiber at that time. They were IT in Emily's world....especially Joe Jonas! One day, I came into Emilys room...I believe after I ate lunch. Her hands were still restrained (basically velcro straps holding her arms down by her side so she wouldnt attempt to pull her vent out). She tried to lift her hands as much as possible to show me something she received. When I sat down and looked what she had...it was a picture of the Jonas Brothers that one of the Child Life Specialist brought to her. You could see her smile even though there was tape all over her mouth because of the vent! I promised her I would buy her a picture frame to put it in so she could see it and that is what I came back with the next day! That picture proudly sat where she could see it daily!

When the DVD and CD came out for Camp Rock 2, I got up early to run to Target before my Dad came to get me for the hospital. I packed everything so I could surprise her when I got there. The smile on her faced just beamed with joy when she saw her surprise and we had to watch the DVD over and over again. When we werent watching the DVD we were listening to the CD. Sometimes she had the tv or the cd turned up so loud, we had to close her door so we wouldnt disturb the other patients. One doctor came by and said he understood that he had a daughter too and laughed about it! By this time, Emily earned the trust of the nurses and doctors and they agreed to take the velcro off her arms so she could move them around. When the song "Introducing Me" came on, Emily laughed. Imagine...this sweet little girl, with IV's coming out from all over, a vent coming out of her mouth and she is laughing! There is a part in the song where it goes "do, do, do do do do". When she heard that, she laughed more and then told me to sing it. I went along with her because it was making her so happy! Little did I realize how much she was enjoying this. When the doctors came to do the rounds and the room was filled with doctors and some nurses she wanted me to do it again. They were all good sports about listening to me sing it and I dealt with the embarrassment! I was so willing to deal with the little bit of embarrassment to just hear my baby laugh with joy. Im sure some of it was all the good drugs the were pumping into her but still! I had to constantly disappoint her by telling her there was no way possible she could go to the play room so to be able to make her smile and laugh...it was pure joy!

There was another time that also brought great joy to my heart. The ICU nurses are special. They basically live in your room all day until their shift is over. There was one day Emily wanted me to lay with her in her bed. I wanted to so badly but honestly...how could I possibly fit in her bed with her? I was so terrified I was going to hurt her or something worse! She had all these wires coming from everywhere and then this big vent coming out...there is no way this was ever going to happen. Then, our sweet nurse said, "She wants you to lay with her, you can lay with her"! It brought tears to my eyes that she maneuvered everything around so I could carefully lay in bed with her. A situation that was so stressful and emotional ~ she (the nurse) allowed a few minutes of bonding time. A few minutes of just normalcy! I meant the world to me.

It amazes me how the Lord is this way too. He never leaves us, He is always there just waiting... waiting for us to call on Him. Waiting to introduce Him to our heart and ask Him to come in. He is the best Medicine, the best Listener, the best Comforter, the best Healer. Just as I longed to lay in bed with Emily for just a moment and longed to hear her sweet laugh ~ Jesus longs to hear you say "Come to my heart to stay". Introduce yourself and your heart to Him ~ He is waiting so patiently for you!

~ As a side note, the girl in this video...she looks like Emily's first nurse she had when went into ICU that morning. Her name is ~ Emily!

Love Trumps Grief

2013-04-03T01:20:00.000-04:00

Your probably wondering what that means, aren't you? The title of the post I mean.   Well, have you ever lost something that meant everything to you? Have you lost something that hurt so badly it felt like you had a hole in your heart or your heart was being torn completely out of your body?

Obviously I talk a lot about Emily's journey with HLH. You read the stories on here and what she has had to deal with and what is to come. You have heard the side of HLH that has been ONLY about the infectious side of things. The side that is NOT genetic. You have heard me say how blessed we are because Emily has been able to celebrate another birthday with us. We have been able to see how far she has come and how much she has overcome since 2007.

There's another side to this disease. A side that is not a comfortable side. A side that you don't hear to much about. Let's face it ~ frankly, you dont hear too much about HLH since its so rare (one in one million ~ 1.2 million to be almost exact).    The side that I am speaking of is the genetic side of things. The side of things where the outcome is an almost guarantee of death.

I just finished reading a book called "Love Trumps Grief" by Kristen Akin. This is the FIRST book I have read that is a personal story dealing with HLH. This lady and her husband are incredible...not to mention their kids, Matthew and Andrew. You see, Kristen is a carrier and her kids both carried the mutation for HLH. Andrew, the youngest, first showed signs at 10 weeks old. Her struggle to cope with things and living basically in the hospital for the entire time (from 10 weeks until his passing) is just unbelievable. Her older son, Matthew, carried it but hadnt shown signs yet. After four bone marrow transplants (3 for Andrew and 1 for Matthew) both of her boys died from this horrible disease.

Can you imagine? Thinking your kids are perfectly healthy one minute and the next fighting to keep them alive. Even though Emily never had to have a bone marrow transplant, I could relate to so many things she mentions in her book. All the medications, CAT scans, MRI's, biopsies, x-rays, surgeries, being in ICU, seeing your child on a vent, therapy, living in the hospital, all the medications and the list goes on. I had a terrible time reading this book and found myself having to set it aside numerous times because of the overwhelming emotional reaction I had to it.

Reading this, I have learned even more about the disease ~ a side of the disease that feel so blessed to have never had to encounter. A side of the disease seems too unbearable to think about but also to unbelievable how horrible HLH can be. This side of HLH, the genetic side of things, makes me feel so blessed with the infectious side that Emily has.

This has made me realize how blessed I am to be able to kiss my kids good night each night. How blessed I am that this isnt genetic and that Benjamin doesnt have it or hasnt shown any type of signs of having it. How blessed we are that Emily is still here. Yes, she is behind in school; yes, she has issues with memory; yes, she still takes chemo and will forever and there will probably be other issues we encounter later due to the medications that she has had to be on. But she is here.

Be thankful for what you have for you know not what tomorrow brings.

If you would like to read more about Matthew and Andrew Akin's story, you can find the website at http://www.matthewandandrew.org

Let go and let God

2013-03-29T11:04:00.000-04:00

Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He bringeth them out of their distresses
~ Psalm 107:28

When you are faced with a struggle, how do you handle it? Do you sit and worry about it or do you give it to God and let Him handle it? Do you make yourself sick over it?

I must admit ~ I tend to worry about things. I am learning to give it all to God. It's hard sometimes. I found that when Emily was in the hospital or we had to increase medication ~ things like that, I found it easier almost. Maybe knowing that I CANT change the outcome and that this is all in His hands ~ it made it easier...I dont know.

I know I have tried finding ways to "connect" with my kids. Connect in a different way. Maybe have something in common with them or try to make a special lunch for them. Just something so we can "stay connected". With Emily, it was us taking a cake decorating class together. Benjamin ~ well, we are together 24/7 and honestly, I think sometimes he misses me at night and that is why he wakes me up so much ~ to spend more time together! Austin, well, he is 16. When I was 16 life was different then. It took time to find something we have in common or that we can do together when he is here. We have started having "movie night". When Emily and Ben go to bed, Austin and I will watch a movie together. I love it ~ its our time.

We now can say we both have something else in common. Something that we can relate to each other with ~ something I wish wasnt the case. Recently, Austin's cousin passed away. They were close ~ not only in age but also friends. They were about two years apart. The day we found out about his cousin passing, I picked Austin up from school. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. This was such an emotional experience to have to face him and seeing him trying to take the news in. It took me back to when I was 10.

When I was 10 and in fifth grade, my cousins and aunt was in a car accident. My cousin sitting in the backseat was killed instantly. She was 11 and in 6th grade. We were exactly on year and one week apart. We were close. At 10, that was the first death experience I had that was so close to me. I still remember everything like it happened last night. I remember where we were, who called, who answered the phone. I remember the next day and going to school (it happened on a Thursday night) and crying all day. I then remember going to the funeral home and then the funeral. I remember sitting there and watching my aunt and uncle saying goodbye to their daughter. Sitting there watching my grandparents say bye to their granddaughter. I remember my grandfather leaning over and kissing her. This all brings back painful memories ~ memories though, that I dont usually dwell on. I remember her every year on her birthday. What would she look like now? How long would she have been married? How many kids would she have? Would they be boys or girls or both? These are all questions I think of but obviously, never happened.

When Austin's cousin passed away, seeing him at 16 having to deal with this unexpected tragedy, brought back all these feelings. It helped me to feel even more compassion for him. It helped me to sit back and say, "Lord, help me to be able to help him".

Over the last few days, I have heard rumors and let's face it ~ when you hear rumors they usually arent true. In this case, the rumors were so far fetched that it made me so upset and hurt me so badly. As I was talking with someone about this situation and if I should confront the people ~ she simply said to me "let go and let God". WOW! Seriously, that's all I could say.

Sounds so simple doesnt it? But I will say its something I need to work on. A lesson I needed to learn and in learning this, I will be able to help Austin deal with this. This is a lesson that doesnt just apply to this situation but to everything. Just a simple statement but a powerful one.

When looking for ways to connect with your kids - it doesnt always take something serious like this but it could be as simple as watching a movie together or treating them to lunch. Kiss your kids, hug your kids, tell your kids you love them. You dont know what the next second holds.

Another year and feeling more blessed!

2013-03-28T10:34:00.000-04:00

How do you plan for a party? Do you sit down and make a menu out? Do you plan out every detail of how its going to look, the theme and the colors? When it comes to one of mykids birthdays ~ I do try to make sure THEY are happy and happy with how things turn out.

When Benjamin turned four in December, I really sat down and made sure I had everything planned out. He had a pirate themed birthday and I planned out everything down to even "naming" the food in a pirate theme. What I didnt plan for was not feeling well at all! His birthday was my first attempt at making chocolates and cookies. I had started a cake decorating class so I thought the lessons I was learning would come in handy for the cookies and future parties! I ordered the cake from a friend of mine and she did an amazing job!

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we celebrated Emily's birthday. She is nine now. She LOVES elephants ~ so her theme was elephants! Her color scheme was pink and brown and again, I sat down to make it an elephant/carnival type theme for her. I found a cute dress with elephants all over it for her to wear to her party. I made her birthday invitations and I found adorable plates, napkins, etc at my new "go to" party place. This time, instead of ordering the cake, I wanted to do it myself. To my surprise it turned out pretty good! I made elephant cookies and chocolates as well! She was happy with everything and that is all I could ask for.

Saying all this and being able to share with you how blessed I feel to be able to do this for

my kids, what I find myself doing at Emily's parties is thanking Jesus more. With HLH and IF this was genetic form ~ most likely Emily wouldnt have seen past her sixth birthday. Her parties are just more special to me. Its not just "a birthday party". Yes, it is away to celebrate her and her life but for me, its to also celebrate how far she has come. Its a way to see how amazing our God is. Its a chance for others to see the miracles He has done on her.

Its not just another birthday ~ its a day to reflect on how much she has dealt with in her short life, a day to remember just how blessed we are. God is good!

The blessing jar

2013-02-08T10:06:00.002-05:00

How full is your jar? What did you do with the money saved in it?

For those that have been reading my blog, may remember me talking about how I pick up pennies when I find them. For those of you who dont remember ~ I do! If we are in a store, outside...I dont care where we are but if I see a penny (even other forms of money) and I find it ~ I placed that in a jar that sits on my counter. The money that is found ~ it usually happens at a time when I am worried about something. It is a reminder to me that God is in control of everything and to continue trusting Him! Last year, I was able to find $4.95. I know it doesnt sound like alot...but to me ~ it was just a reminder of how much God blessed us last year and continues to bless us. How much He takes care of us and how He is in control!

So now that you know that, you are probably wondering what I did with that. Maybe you aren't but I am going to tell you anyway. No, I didnt take Ben to McDonalds or to Target. No, I didnt go buy a book on clearance at Barnes & Noble. What I did though, I gave it to Ben to give as offering. He went proudly into his classroom with a ziplock full of change (and mostly pennies) and gave his offering. You maybe wondering what was the point of giving it to church or having Ben doing it. Well, two things really. The first being ~ the money wasnt mine! You maybe saying "You found it, of course its yours". See thats where I beg to differ. I feel the Lord put that penney or that dime in the spot where I would find it to remind me of Him. I feel because HE gave it to me ~ I will be giving it back to Him! Now you maybe asking why I didnt put the bag of change in the offering plate. Well, I would have but I give the kids money for offering. Ben wanted the bag so he got it! I also feel this is a good way to teach the kids at a young age to give back to God.

Bryan has an awesome job. I feel blessed for him and his job and also that I can be a stay-at-home mom (with Emilys health - especially in the past this has really benefited us that I was home). But I also feel that our money is HIS money. We give our offering every month. We support our missions every month but I also like to try and give back in other ways as well. The kids dont see me writing out check out for the church. Even if they did it wouldnt mean as much to them. When Ben took in that bag of change - the smile on his face to be giving with a happy heart - giving joyfully - thats what mattered! When the kids see my jar on the counter - it is a tool that can be used to explain how much the Lord has blessed us. When we take diapers and food over to the food bank we donate too ~ this is where they can see it. This is where I can explain to them how the Bible states it better to give!

I feel so blessed to have this jar. I feel so blessed to be able to speak and teach my kids about giving back and the blessings we are given. I feel so blessed to be able to teach and talk to my kids about the best gift we have been given ~ eternal life with Jesus!

What does our jar mean to you? Do you use it for a teaching tool? Next time your son or daughter asks you what the jar is for how will you answer them?

The glass is half full

2013-02-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

How do you think? Do you see the glass is half full or half empty? Do you see it as a lost sock or you have one sock?

In our Sunday school class this past Sunday, our teacher has started a new series and this week it was about "Thoughts". This could be interesting, right? Have you ever thought about your thoughts? I know, that sounds weird! But really...I never thought about it before until I was in his class listening to him.

We can sit and please God by our actions. We can please Him by saying the "right" thing. We can please Him by giving Him the glory when we are church or telling others of Him. But the question becomes do we please Him with our thoughts? The things I just mentioned are outward actions. I mean - others can see what we are doing and see how we are serving Him. But are we serving Him COMPLETELY? Are we serving Him with our thoughts as well.

When Emily has been in the hospital, I would openly be reading a Christian book or pull out my Bible and be doing my devotions ~ right there in her room. Right there so anyone could walk up and see my Bible open and know what I was doing. I knew that I maybe asked about my faith. I was never approached about my readings but I was approached several times on "how we do it". After the first couple times of being asked that, I no longer had to ask "how we do what"? I knew what they were talking about. Nurses and even some parents of other patients - would ask "how do you do it". Nurses would say they have seen patients with a lot less medical issues going on and the parents are a basket case. Trust me, I was a basket case too but my answer was ALWAYS the same. The only way we make it is by our faith in Jesus Christ. The way we handle things is by knowing that HE IS IN CONTROL. Knowing that Emily is in His hands ~ that is how I can sit at her bedside each night, go with her to every surgery, be there with every blood drawn. This is how I make it each and every day. I felt just the actions were a testimony for my Lord.

The issue, for me and especially after hearing our lesson Sunday, would be if my thoughts werent following in the same suit. I mean if my actions were the ones of all worship to God and if my words were saying one thing but deep inside...i didnt believe what I said. If I, deep down, somehow blamed the doctors for not figuring out what was wrong with Emily sooner. Or I spoke one thing but felt completely different inside...theres a problem there! Now, I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying that i never have a thought that isnt right or that isnt pleasing to God. What I am saying though, is especially now, I am going to strive to make sure my thoughts will be the same as my actions. I am going to work on making sure that the thoughts that I think about or dwell on during the day will be pleasing to the Lord.

Some of my issues are to dwell on the past. This is a BIG issue with me that I am working on. Dwelling on times when I didnt feel good enough, or times when things didnt go right or maybe when i completely messed up and wished for a "do over". Then there are thoughts where I may question did I say the right thing when I asked Jesus to live in my heart ~ when my kids asked Jesus into their hearts ~ did I make sure they said the right thing. I am learning that Satan wants us so badly to dwell on things that are not right and make us question things that are concerning God. By me questions my salvation or my kids is just not right. I know, now, that Satan is trying to mess with me and I will not allow it anymore! I realize that dwelling on the past is also not right. I have to remember the past is just that...the past!

I will make sure my thoughts are thoughts that are right, pure and on God! If they arent, I ask that they maybe taken away and quickly.

I also learned that another way to keep positive, pure, pleasing thoughts on God is to be in the company of other believers. Have you ever been around someone where all they did was complain? Have you ever found yourself after being with someone like that - that you are complaining or being so negative? I know its that way with me. Sometimes it can almost be a toxic thing. I know, for me, it can get exhausting and then almost depressing when you Im finished with the conversation.

Next time you go out with your friends think about the company you are going to be in. Think about if this is pleasing to God. Next, think about your actions...do your actions and thoughts line up? Make sure that you are a witness not just by your actions but that your thoughts line up with those actions!

One of my new favorite singers is Colton Dixon. Here is a song that I think goes perfectly with this post!

Rejection

2013-02-06T14:14:00.003-05:00

Job 21:14 (NIV)
Yet they say to God, 'Leave us alone! We have no desire to know your ways.

Rejection. One word with a big meaning. Rejection.   How do you feel after being rejected? I'm sure it certainly isn't "Let's go conquer the world".

This post has been weighing on me alot ~ especially lately. When I think - I am NOT blogging about that - it keeps being thought of.

I think about the feeling of being rejected. It hurts. It may feel like a slap in the face. I feel like i tend to be the type of person that is a "people pleaser". I want everyone to be happy and deep down maybe I want everyone to like me. When I know someone doesn't this feels like rejection to me. The past few weeks I have been working on this. Praying about this. It may sound stupid or a bit ridiculous to pray about people liking me but it wasn't that. It was praying about how to accept that I cant MAKE everyone like me. This has been a struggle but something I want to overcome. I feel like facing it head on - I can do this. Again, may sound stupid to someone but for me...this has been an issue that I NEED to face.

During this process I have learned I cant ~ as much as I would like to ~ have control over people and how they feel.   Its a blessing to me though. Crazy I know. Its a blessing because even though this is my "rejection" it has taught me more then just overcoming things....

I remember one day a couple years ago ~ in fact, it was shortly after Emily got out of the hospital and was at the biggest she has been since being on steroids. I took her and Ben to the park. There was another girl there that looked to be a few years older then Emily. Both her and Emily were on the slide and Emily was about to go down. The little girl looked at Emily and said "you know, if you didnt eat so much and exercised you could lose your weight". Emily just looked at her like "Girl, you have no idea what you are talking about". Instead of Emily letting this affect her, she smiled and went zooming down the slide. Shortly after that, we left and Emily began telling me what had happened. My heart broke. I dealt with adults and their verbal judgement on Emily when she was 3. The hurtful words and the words the yelled rejection because of the way she looked. Now, a few years later, Emily has to face this head on. Let me say, she handled it better then I ever did back in 2007!

There was another time, right after Emily went back to school after missing 3 months. I took Emily in before the Christmas break so the kids could see her. She was physically different and I didnt want her to have a hard time adjusting to being at school but also the million questions that the other students would have. One day she came home from school and said someone said a bad word to me today. I said tell me what they said - you wont be in trouble. She said they said the F word to me. Ok, my first thought was really? They are in 1st grade and someone said the "F" word to her. Then i realize it was the OTHER - F - word ~ FAT. My heart broke. Emily told me what happened and how her teacher immediately took care of the situation. I, rather, went into the other room and cried. The rejection that she would face because of her size...her appearance was what i was trying to avoid.

Thinking about how I feel when the feelings of rejection are felt. Feeling how hurt - rejected - Emily felt with the unkind words being said to her made me think of a couple things. How too often are we judging people by their appearance. How often are people treated differently because of the way they look. Do we, ourselves, turn the other way when you see the homeless man at the side of the road? Are we rejecting him? What about someone needing directions. Are we more willing to help the clean cut, in shape person and rejecting the person that maybe overweight and wearing clothes that arent the cleanest or nicest?

The other thing I thought of is rejection of Jesus. Can you imagine how He felt? I mean He had people following Him and listening to Him speak and soon He had the same people yelling "Crucify" Him when He was being hung on the cross. When we hear the message ~ the salvation message ~ and we dont accept the perfect gift of eternal life...we ARE rejecting Jesus. Everytime we hear that small voice in us saying "make a better choice" and we know we should and dont...we are, in fact, rejecting Jesus by not listening to HIS voice.

Next time we feel the need to turn away from the homeless man or not be as nice to the person that isnt dressed like maybe you would ~ remember, your not just rejecting them but also Jesus.

How radical are you?

2013-01-03T09:09:00.000-05:00

How radical are you? Its a simply question right? Would your friends think you are? Do they think you are the life of the party? Does everyone tend to always need to be by you at the dinner party? I want to be radical and that is a goal of mine!

Ok, what gives, right? I mean, I usually dont write about parties or how cool someone can be and this time is no exception! I am talking about how radical are you about Christ? Are you a follower or just a fan?

This past Sunday, our teacher was out of town so we had the college age teacher speak to our class. I must tell you this before I go any further though ~ our Sunday school class I just recently "qualified" to be in the class (going by age). Because Bryan is older then me...i was "graced" in! Our classes have ages to them.   You can be older or younger but its simply a guideline especially if someone is new to the church and looking for a class that has people in there that is their same age or around their age. So because I just had my 40th birthday in December ~ I now "qualify" for our class! Ok, so saying all that, I will get back to our speaker.... Caleb Moore was our teacher for last Sunday. When he got up there and said he was going to teach our class and he teaches the college class....my instant thought was ~ what could he possibly teach me. I am close to 20 years older then him. Man was that thoughts of "just try it Lord" or what because several times during the approximate 35 min., did I casual wipe away the tears that were building in my eyes. Careful to wipe them before the tears streamed down my cheeks. He talked about how God COMMANDS us to tell others about Him. Its NOT an option, its NOT if we feel like it today or tomorrow....its a commandment to "just do it"! He spoke about this book called Radical by David Platt. Its about taking up our cross and really following Christ. Its about leaving behind all these worldly possessions and just follow.

Think about it ~ what is more important...that new car, that new iphone or ipod or is telling the person next to you about the love of Jesus Christ? The One that died on the cross and saved us from eternal hell. The One, that only if we ask Him in our hearts, will GLADLY come in. The One who, if you or myself was the only person ~ He STILL would have took all that on the cross just to save you...me. What an amazing gift. What a gift that He could have simply told God ~ NO WAY am I going to die on the cross for them. But He did it! He did it because He loved us. How much do we love Him? How much are we willing to give up for Him. So what if someone calls you a "Jesus freak" if you start to talk about His love and the salvation plan....that would be a compliment not an insult.   So you may have people turn their backs on you, make fun of you or possibly torment you. Guess what ~ Jesus endured all that. One week people were praising His name and a few days later they were the ones saying "Crucify Him". Look at what He did for us. Why is it so hard to do what He commands of us? There is so many lost people out there...it is just heartbreaking.

As I started reading the book, it talks of people in Asia who risk their lives just to sneak into a building to pray or to have a little service. Some people leave their families because the risk is too great. Imagine that...being killed for praying or reading your Bible. That is just incredible to me considering all the freedom we have living in the United States. We can openly go to church on a Sunday and worship and praise our God. We can do this without any danger coming to us or our families. These people are Radical. They are willing to give up their lives to follow Christ - to seek Him out.

After just finishing up Christmas, I admit...my kids received alot! But I have a new thinking. This is just stuff...thats it.   Its all material things ~ that honestly, its all wants. Its not important. What is important is reaching out to the lost souls. The Bible states we dont know the day or hour that Christ is coming back. Dont you want to be prepared? Dont you want to be with Him forever in eternity?
I know this probably isnt what you were expecting when you started reading this today. I know this doesnt really have anything to do with HLH ~ with Emily...maybe. I am trying to teach her now about how unimportant material things are. Yes, if you just read my post from last night you will see how she is saving up for American Girl dolls and its fine ~ but its not what is REALLY important in life. What is important is that I know my little girl has Jesus in her heart. I long for the day when Benjamin asks Jesus in his heart as well. I love the fact that Emily will tell her friends at school about Jesus and I love that Benjamin will just break out in song at the store. The fear of telling others about Jesus when your a child seems so simple ~ so easy. But as adults it seems to become harder - not as easy. Maybe we are more worried about how our peers are going to see us, tease us or treat us. How will our boss feel about us when he finds out "we are one of them".

Give it all for Him. Become radical for Christ. I have to thank Caleb for his teaching our class this past Sunday. He taught me something, yes....someone that is close to 20 years younger then I, that I will never forget. He has given me a different look on life...a look that is so important and the need of reaching the unsaved is so great. I want to be that radical person for Christ.    Will you? How radical are you?

Happy New year 2013

2013-01-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

It amazes me how quickly a year passes. It seems like we were just starting 2012 out and we are now into a new year, new resolutions (or goals ~ which is what i do), new promises or new things to look forward to in the new year. How often though do we reflect on the year that has passed? Do we sit down and look at the resolutions or goals that we made for the previous year and see if we met the goals? Do we sit down and really look at how God has blessed us during the year? Do we really give Him thanks?

I did look over the very first few posts I made when I started this blog (which Happy Birthday "Emilys life with HLH" ~ you turned 1 on 1-1-13). I did look over the goals I set into place for 2012. I still have alot to work on ~ I did meet my book goal though of reading 30 books in the year! My new goal is 40 for this year!    I generally dont look over the goals though...this time I did. Why? I dont know. Maybe it was a way to see what areas I still feel the need to work on.   In doing this, however, it also made me take note of how blessed we are. I may not have accomplished everything I wanted to this past year but we did see some incredible things happen!

Emily got off her steroids and most of her medications
We were able to get a dog
Ben turned 4 and started pre-school
My BFF and her family came to stay with us for a week
Austin took the first stage of drivers training
The Lord continues to bless and provide for us

These may seem like "not big deals", but to me...I just feel incredibly blessed and feel these are accomplishments and this is what made the year great. I honestly could have listed much more but this is just a few.

I am one of those "weird" ones that keeps EVERY receipt. I dont care if i am buying a pretzel at the mall or a frozen coke at Target...I get one! If i dont get one, I am certainly writing it down when i get home. I track our spending for the month and yes i do end up doing an excel file so it adds up each category for the year! Yes, I am weird and it probably sounds like i have nothing to do. This is the first time i have done the excel thing though! I am glad i did. I could see in black and white areas that we need to work on. This also helped me so i could set up new goals....new goals as far as where we spend on our money....Gods money.

See, when you think of it as GODS money you tend to spend it a little differently then you would simply by spending MY money. When I go grocery shopping, i want to honor Him and spend His money in a proper way...far different then i would probably think about spending my money. This year this is my goal is to think of the money we have in these terms.   I have set goals on where we need to cut back on and categories that we spend way too much in (sorry McDonalds...we will not be regulars anymore). The Lord has blessed Bryan with a wonderful job and He has blessed us where I am able to stay at home with the kids. Because of this...I need to do my job in giving Him the most honor I can.

This is not only going to be teaching me self-control when i am at Target but it will also be teaching the kids something too. They dont get everything they want....when they want it.....even if they are screaming at the top of their lungs (sorry people at Kohls from the other day)! We are talking of going to New York to see Bryans family that lives in Brooklyn and the American Girl store is there. Emily is determined to purchase 2 dolls while we are there. She has already saved enough for 1/2 of 1. For her, this is great because if she is given even $1.00 it is burning a hole in her pocket and she needs to spend it. Its really teaching her to save for what she wants. I am proud of her! Today she has started cleaning out books in her room and plans on selling them at a garage sale we have or is hoping i will sell them on ebay! She is determined to save the money. Again, a great lesson I am learning from her!

This may have seemed like a bunch of rambling and I apologize for that.   I will leave you with this thought though ~ when making your goals this year, think about them in terms of how will this please and honor HIM (the Lord Jesus Christ) and bring HIM the most glory.

Happy New Year!

IN everything, give thanks

2012-11-19T10:25:00.000-05:00

I Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

This is just such a powerful verse to me...especially after the morning service on Sunday. I must first say that our choir was simply amazing with the song they sang and then the soloist made it a Sunday we wouldn't forget. I thought there was nothing that could make the service better. I mean it was already such a huge blessing. Well, our Pastor...he topped it off! This is the passage that his message came from. I am so thankful to be going to a Bible preaching/teaching church!

I have sat in countless services. As a young person, I must admit, that I never really paid attention. At least not like should. As an adult, I paid attention but still my mind tended to wonder. It seems to me, that maybe I just wasnt feeling "fed". What I mean by that is ~ I loved our previous church. I went there my entire life. We opted to change churches about 4 1/2 years ago. The church we are members of now ~ Amazing! When I say how much I love my church...its honestly an understatement! I feel fed when I am there. I take notes now. I just feel blessed. Now I will also admit that while I am paying attention to the service, my mind has sometimes wondered and thought, "Gosh so-and-so should be here for this one....THEY need it!" What I have learned to say is - "I am so thankful I am here because I NEED it"! This past Sunday was no exception! Our Pastors sermon on this one verse made me see it in a different way.

Every situation in our lives we need to be giving thanks IN the situation. I walked away thinking about our life with Emily's health. Sure I thanked Him for healing her so she could leave the hospital, get off some medication. But while the service was going on I felt the real question ~ did I thank him IN the situation. Was I a thankful person during her ICU stay? I realized that this verse was not saying be thankful for the situation you are in but just be thankful IN everything. I dont have to be thankful that Emily has HLH but I can still be thankful to Him!

Our Pastor gave a really good example of someone that could have allowed her life to go in a different direction if she hadnt leaned on Him. Fanny Crosby, who was blind since approximately 6 weeks old, held no bitter feelings to God for her becoming blind at such a young age. Instead, she went on to serve Him and write many, many of the hymns we now sing in church. Fanny once said
"Mother, if I had a choice, I would still choose to remain blind ... for when I die; the first face I will ever see will be the face of my blessed Saviour". How awesome is this?! Honestly, would we share the same feelings as her? This is a true example of giving thanks IN a situation instead of allowing the situation to just ruin us! There is a great site that shares the biography about her, how she became blind and the amazing Grandmother she had that taught her about the love of Jesus Christ! Fanny is a true example of "giving thanks IN every circumstance". She inspires me to do better in remembering this. This is Gods will for my life and therefore, just be thankful in everything.

I found this song that Chris Tomlin sings "All the Way My Savior Leads Me". This is one of the songs that Fanny wrote. Take a few minutes to really listen to the words....maybe really listen to them for the first time. What I mean by that is, many times we will sing a song in church but maybe not pay attention to the words or let them really sink in of what the meaning is. Sometimes when we sit down to really listen to the words of a song its almost like we are hearing it for the first time. Let today be the day that you hear this song for the first time!

Thanksgiving is coming in a few days and my desire is to make sure I am giving thanks in every situation, even when its not Thanksgiving. Be thankful IN every situation because this is God's will for your life. Emily goes back to see her doctor at the hospital next week and I will be thankful in that visit. Every time we go, its a reminder (amongst the daily reminders) that she is sick....this time though I will be going with a different feeling!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and just be thankful....
IN everything!

Here is the link if you want to read the biography of Fanny Crosby:

http://www.earnestlycontending.com/KT/bios/fannycrosby.html

We all need a helping hand

2012-11-17T19:49:00.000-05:00

We all need a helping hand from time to time. Sometimes its easier to sit back and say "I can handle it" when deep down inside we wish someone would come in and could read our mind. That seems scary in a way ~ someone reading our mind! I say all the time that "I have it" or "I will do it"...even if it means making myself feel even more overwhelmed then what I may already be.

Our silly Benjamin

Benjamins birthday is exactly 1 month from today. He will be 4 then. Goodness how fast time flies! Anyway, I have started to really plan his birthday. All the fun ideas I am getting (thanks Pinterest) to make this a special time for him. Having a birthday close to Christmas, I dont want him to ever feel like he is "forgotten" or that his birthday is overlooked or just mixed in with Christmas. I want him to feel special and to always do something special. My birthday is December 23rd - so him and I will always have something in common with a birthday that close to Christmas. Ok, so I started to ramble ~ his theme is Pirates! He is crazy about pirates for some reason! I have been looking for the "gold coins" - you know, the ones that are chocolate ~ every time we go to a store now. I can never find them. I think Emily started getting a little annoyed because recently it has become a mission of mine to find these. Today we stopped at Meijers so I could return something. After allowing the kids to look in the toys and beg for things for awhile, we started to leave. As we were getting closer to the door, Ben saw a dollar section that had Christmas things. I allowed them to stop and look. All of a sudden I hear "MOM!" As I turn to look, I see Emily holding up a little bag of these golden coins! She said "I found them!". It was so neat to see her getting so excited about this. I know it was her way of also feeling like she has had something special to do to be involved in his party planning! I thanked her and we hurried and grabbed a bunch of the little bags!

Brooklyn - 5 months old

To change gears a little, I love my scrapbooking! It seems though I havent really scrapbooked for my kids since Emily was sick in 2007. It pains me to think I have 5 years of catching up to do! Poor Benjamin, he doesnt even have a book yet (although I do have a book ready to start for him)! For me, as much as I love it, it is very time consuming! I need alot of patience, time by myself, quiet time so I can think and get my ideas in order. I havent really had that over the last few years and especially over the last few months with us getting a dog in July!

Her ear ring

a necklace I made for me

What I have found though, is I have started making necklaces! I love it too! What I love most though, I can sit at the table, still be with the kids, interact with them and still be able to do something I am enjoying! After I finished a couple of them, Emily asked me to make one for her. After I did that, she then asked for matching ear rings! She asked if she could help. I told her no...mostly because maybe I was being selfish and wanted to do something where it was "just me" or to have "just my time", but also because I knew it would take time to sit and help her with it. So instead ~ we made Christmas ornaments. This project was good because her and Ben could both help and their helping hands made the ornaments that much more special. I love it because we are keeping one for our tree but are also going to give them to their teachers for gifts! Gifts that THEY were able to help with and has made it that much more special!

"Santa's" belt is almost done

I needed Emily and Bens helping hands in making the ornaments. I needed their hands to make them extra special. Sure I could have done it myself and it would have meant something but I feel like because they got involved, were wanting to do it and make them, because they were excited about doing it and it was special for them....it made it all worth while!

Sometimes, it seems like we are this way with God. We sit back and tell Him "I can handle it" and deep down you (and HE) knows you cant. He knows you need Him and so do you but you allow your pride or selfishness to get involved. Trust me, I have done this. There have been times when I have said..."I've got this" and I know deep down I dont. I cant do it by myself. I NEED Him. Its awesome to know He always has my back. He will always be there with His helping hand open and ready! Will you grab it? Will you hold on and accept His help?

No matter what

2012-10-09T10:09:00.000-04:00

No matter what....it's easy to say but do we really mean it? The words seem to flow out of our mouth sometimes...just like telling someone we will pray for them ~ do we or is it just the "proper" thing to say at that moment? When we have struggles, trials that come our way ~ do we follow and trust God completely? No matter what?

Unfortunately (and fortunately) we have had to live this. With Emily's sickness it really has to be a "no matter what" situation with God. I mean, seriously, if we took matters in our own hands - how would we do it? We obviously have trust in the doctors that care for Emily but our ultimate trust has to come from HIM!

The dreadful anniversary that is edged in my heart and head has come and gone. The date of September 30th. The day that I thought part of my world was crashing at a rapid pace but also the day that my faith and trust in God was being tested one more time. September 30th ~ the day I had to place a panic 9-1-1 phone call to save my daughters life. The day that i would no longer see this precious little girl but see a very sick little girl in ICU on a vent for the next month! This is a day that tends to come with emotion for me. Yes, I remember that morning like it was just yesterday but I am learning to not let it control me at that time every year! Its been two years and we have so much to be thankful for. Emily is thriving and is doing remarkably well. Coming home from the hospital and having medicine co-pays of upwards to 300.00 a month to now having them down to 20.00 a month for her is just something I could never see! The Lord is good!

On the way home from dropping Benjamin off at pre-school, a song came on the radio. "No matter what" is the title of the song. As I drove and listened to the song it made me think...the Lord knows the trials we face and when we will face them...HE has already seen them! But our test is here ~ will we still trust Him? Will we still love Him and follow Him? My faith is so much stronger now because of the trails we have faced in our lives. Not just with Emily, but day-to-day trials as well. I sit here and I can honestly say YES! My heart and life is HIS to have! I will follow and trust. Not just when its "a good time" or during a trial will I do this but every day!

When listening to this song, thoughts of the trials that we face came to mind but something else. I thought of my cousin. You see in the last 5 years she has lost 2 children. A boy and a girl. I thought how much her strength amazed and still amazes me. What else amazed me....her faith! How her strength came from God and how she leaned on Him to help her endure this. She was and is a huge example to me of what faith in the Almighty God can do for a person. Because of her loss, she has gone on to write a book now, she volunteers her time to help others who share similar stories and she is now doing speaking engagements! The Lord has blessed her! At the time of losing her children she could have easily given up. She could have easily become bitter with God ~ instead she CHOSE Him! She chose to serve Him still - no matter what!

A friend of mine recently told me something that has made me really think. She said "Everyone always says God doesn't give us more then we can handle." She said "I think thats garbage"! -- let me pause for a min. i will admit when she said that, i was shocked! i thought that is crazy and then she went on -- she said "I think He gives us MORE then we can handle so we HAVE to lean on Him and trust Him"! I will say, I think she is right!

I am so thankful that I have a Father that I can lean on, put all my trust in and know He has seen the trial that is coming and how it will unfold. I will trust Him, follow Him and love Him ~ no matter what! Will you?

Surrendering your blessings

2012-08-08T11:19:00.001-04:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted something. The summer is flying by unbelievably fast!

Sunday, in Sunday School, our lesson was on Abraham and Sarah. Personally this is one of my favorite stories. So many life lessons all mixed up in one story...it simply amazes me. You first have the story of the faith lived by Abraham. God said move...he moved! He followed HIM with undeniable faith! Sarah ~ well she seems to be a lot like your average person. God promised her a child...a son, at that, but yet she was too impatient waiting for HIM to provide her with a child....a child with Abraham. She took matters into her own hands and opted for her plan...plan B! God did provide them with a child but then Abraham was to sacrifice him. He did it! I mean, he took his son up on the hill to be an offering to God but yet told the men that was with them WE will be back. He had faith, that God was going to provide an animal to serve as the burnt offering. His faith amazes me.

How many of us would do the same thing? How many of us would go if God said to go but had no idea where we were going to? How many of us would be like Sarah and get too impatient with God and go with what WE think how life should go? How many of us would be so willing to sacrifice our child for God if that is what God asked? Would we have faith like Abraham and be willing to do that but have the faith that God would provide? What are some of your blessings in your life? Would you be willing to give those up if you were asked too? Sometimes we are asked to do something and we get the blessing later...are you too impatient in waiting to receive them?

While hearing this story on Sunday, it took me back to a couple places in my life. The first time was just a few weeks before Emily went into the hospital the first time in 2007. I read this as one of my devotions. It was just so moving to me and just added to the faith that I was going to be needing in the months/ years ahead! It also took me back to when Emily was in ICU. I remember one day sitting in her room and just watching her. It was a day when it was quiet ~ which, lets be honest...in ICU it was hardly ever quiet! With tears filling my eyes, I prayed. I said Lord, she is yours! We are just her earthly parents but she is yours. I am so willing to give her to you but not before she is saved.Emily wasn't saved yet...she hadn't asked Jesus in her heart at that time and I just couldn't even think of letting go of her when I knew her eternity wasn't with Jesus. The Lord has allowed us to raise her. We are nowhere near perfect parents but we are the perfect parents that God saw fit for her. That is a blessing. She was saved on May 9th last year and the feeling of knowing whatever happens to her...she will be resting in the Lords hands and arms forever! It may seem so easy for me to say this is what I prayed.

Now its easy to say i did that but to actually do it ~ that's a different story. To be willing to let God have all control over your child...if HE opts to take her home then or wait. Its hard, but I know that HE is in control of everything. He is in control of her life. He has blessed us so much with our kids. Because of how He has blessed us ~ I also have to be willing to obey Him...have faith in Him. I have to have faith that He will take care of things! Giving up control is NOT an easy thing. Giving up control of a situation that we have no choice in the matter is really not easy. When Emily was in ICU....I had no choice. God was in complete control over the situation...the good, the bad and the ugly! It was a hard month that month but what made all the "good, bad and ugly" worth it all....the morning she got the vent taken out and her first words were "Mommy". I will never forget that moment! I will never lose the faith that I had in God at that time and because of it ~ it has made my faith stronger.

Where does your faith lie today? If God said to move or to give up something, would you? Would you be willing to sacrifice one of your blessings? What an awesome God we serve!

Forgiven

2012-06-23T12:39:00.000-04:00

Forgiven ~ Its such a small word but yet is so powerful! Do you find it hard or easy to forgive?

On my way home from Austins game one of a double header today, the song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West came on. I only listened to a little of it and already started getting teary eyed. Maybe it was the introduction that came before the song...the reason for the song being written. Maybe it was just the word "forgiveness" and the meaning that goes along with it, I dont know. What I do know is it moved me so much to sit down and do a post about it.

The song was written about a lady who wrote into Matthew West. Her daughter was 20 years old and killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. The mother went to the prison to tell the driver that she forgave him and asked the judge for a lesser sentence. Talk about forgiveness! How would you be if a driver killed your child? When I was in 5th grade, my cousin (she was in 6th grade at the time) was in a car accident and was killed. My aunt and cousin were both injured and in the hospital. I remember that night like it just happened and yet, it happened nearly 28 years ago. My cousin, my partner in crime, was gone. What an amazing gift to give someone that has wronged you ~ to give the gift of forgiveness.

I know I tend to forgive easily. Maybe too easily in somes opinion. When it comes to my kids or my husband, the forgiveness comes quickly ~ the unconditional love for someone makes it easier to do so. Others ~ I forgive but the wrong that was done...I tend to dwell on it. I suppose if I tend to dwell on something maybe the forgiveness wasnt really there or maybe just 100% forgiveness wasnt there at the time.

When Emily went into ICU after the 9-1-1 call, I just wanted her better. It wasnt until she came home from the hospital and and was finished with her outpatient therapy that things started to hit me. Life was calming down a bit and I wasnt running to the hospital twice or three times a week. Things started to become overwhelming and it got to the point that I needed, in my eyes, to let go...forgive a person that seems to be the hardest person to forgive ~ myself. Even though I didnt actually do anything that needed forgiveness it was the weight of the guilty the was weighing so heavily on me. I had guilt because I have PCOS and needed fertility medication to become pregnant with Emily, I had guilt because I was getting toxemia when I was pregnant with her and they induced me two weeks early. Guilt because she got sick. Guilt because I didnt take her to the doctor and left it until it came to the point of septic shock and calling 911. Guilt because I was powerless in this situation and felt I had no one to blame but myself. I still deal with feelings of guilt when it comes to my kids. I still deal with the fact that this isnt my fault but yet somehow blame myself. It still takes everything in me to work on "forgiving" myself....forgiving myself that is out of my control but yet some days I feel so guilty about the situation.

One thing the does rest easy on my mind and heart is how Jesus continues to give me that precious gift of forgiveness on a daily basis. When i mess up ~ His unconditional love is there to hold me & forgive me ~ no questions asked! Isnt that amazing? Doesnt that make you want to be more like Him? Imagine how much more peaceful our lives would be to live like Jesus...to forgive like Jesus and to love like Jesus!

I usually will post a song with the lyrics in them so you can really take in the words and the meaning of them. Today though, I am posting the song "Forgiveness" where Matthew gives the back story about the song. It is so powerful ~ please sit and listen to the entire thing ~ you will be moved!

Rejoice, I say

2012-06-15T16:32:00.000-04:00

Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice.
Philippians 4:4

Do you have those days when you know something is going to happen but your not sure if its going to be a good result? I should rephrase that...the result being what YOU want it to be?

I had one of those days on Thursday (6/14/12). It was the first day of summer break for Emily and she starts it out by having to go to the doctor at the hospital. This is one of those visits that you sit and pray that 1. we are not there all day and 2. that he will feel she is good enough to reduce some of her medication.

This visit was a little different. To some degree we were a little excited to go just because this was her first appointment at the new offices that were built right across the street from the hospital. Parking was wonderful and easy, the people were friendly when greeting us and the process was flowing just smoothly. We were called pretty quickly to go into the room and then the waiting game began! Sitting there waiting anxiously for her doctor to come in, Emily and I sat and admired the new tables, chairs, the sink and even under counter lights! It was all so new and fresh! The view wasnt too bad from the windows. Soon enough her doctor came in. This is the most relaxed (surprisingly) that I have seen him.

Each time we meet with him, I find that I learn something new about him. We all know he is brilliant and the Lord has blessed my baby girl with a wonderful doctor but I learn new personal things about him. You would think after seeing him on a regular basis (anywhere from every 2 months to every 6 months) for the last five years (yes...thats 5 years) that I would know everything there is to know about him. WRONG!!! I just learned this time that he has a child (at least one child) that is old enough to have made him a grandfather! Really? We have seen him for five years now and I just found this out! Crazy to say the least. What this does for me though, is I can relate to him on a more personal level. I now see him as more of a "person", a grandfather to some precious little child, instead of just this brilliant doctor that really used to talk over my head where I felt I need a medical dictionary just to know what he said to me. Its really amazing what you learn about people the longer your with them.

Anyway, back to the appointment. So he looked her over and I talked with him about this cough Emily has had now for over a week. I have been concerned but the fact that she hasnt been sick with it or no fevers I never took her to the doctor and waited to see him. He felt it was more of an allergy cough which really put me at ease. Then as he was finishing up the exam now came the time when I was to get all the prescriptions refilled. As he started writing out the scripts he said the most beautiful words to me (us) ~ she can stop the steroids! Really? Did I hear right? I questioned him again about what he just said (and yes, I did it again after that to make sure my ears were not fooling me). So because she is now officially off the steroids (it would be exactly 2 years that she was put back on them in 2 weeks) she is now able to come off of 3 and possibly 4 medications she has been taking! She is now just taking her chemo, baby aspirin and blood pressure! The blood pressure will probably be taking away but we are just waiting for the phone call! This was a huge answer to prayer and the outcome was a surprise really. The outcome was what I had been praying for! The outcome is a blessing!

Last night we went out to dinner where ever Emily wanted to go and then I also promised her I would take her to get her hair cut! Her hair is just about long enough to donate it again so we are holding off just a little longer! She will be starting school with a new haircut and she will be alot smaller! I told her that people may not even recognize you! She looks so much different when she is down to "regular size". As I sit her and type this, eyes all watery, I am just so thankful to our God that hears our prayers, lifts us when we need to be carried, and heals! He is our Healer!

Even though Emily is now off most of her medication, I still have to remember though she is still a sick child and anything can trigger the disease to act up again. Anything can set it off and start our tornado again. I will still be protective of her and the environment but in it all, I know she is safe in His arms. He will take care of her. He is our God!

So today, we are rejoicing! we are praising His name!

I'm waiting....

2012-06-11T13:40:00.001-04:00

I know the answer to this question before I ask it, but have you ever waited for something? Waited for someone? Waited for an answer or just sat and waited at the doctors office? We live in a society today where we want immediate answers and that makes waiting that much more difficult.

There is this song out called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. This song was in the movie "Fireproof". The first time I heard this son, I admit, I cried. I felt like this song describes my (our) life with Emily and HLH! Each time she has been in the hospital for an extended stay (more then just an overnight - IV treatment)....I feel like this is what we do...we wait. We wait for test results, we wait for MRI's, CT scans...we just wait. It is exhausting waiting. We dont always get the answers we want...but that is life..right?

One thing I have learned during Emily's sickness is to have complete trust in God. He is the one in control. Yes, He has provided us with amazing doctors but at the same time they are not the real healers of Emily ~ God has just used them! But during all this, there have been times where I have felt that we were waiting on God. This song says it all...I WILL serve You while I wait. I feel like we are still waiting on God...still waiting for Emily to be healed for good. We may not see her complete healing on earth but the day we get to heaven...it will be a glorious day. Not just to be able to see Jesus face to face or to see the hands and feet that were nailed to the cross but also because Emily WILL be healed for good then!

While we wait on God...we still "run the race". Our race is just living day-to-day with her disease. Getting her medicine filled a few times a month, making sure she is taking her medicine, taking her to doctor appointments, learning when to be more aggressive in getting her to a doctor or to just let something go a little bit. Learning to let her be an 8 year old kid but at the same time being aware of everything going on. Learning to "re-cut the cord" and let go a little bit. While I'm waiting, I will always serve my God. I will always praise Him for what He has done. When we deal with painful situations....i will continue to trust Him, praise Him and serve Him!

This song says it all. I have no choice but to wait on Him. He gives me peace in dealing with the disease and helping Emily.

How do you think you would handle a situation without God by your side? Would you have the peace and comfort knowing He is in charge. Would you be willing to wait on Him? Would you still serve Him, worship Him, be obedient, run the race while you wait? I will! I choose to serve while i wait!

And the award goes to....

2012-05-17T14:47:00.001-04:00

Have you ever started something you didn't finish? Have you ever set up a goal and just felt it was too hard to achieve it? I have felt this way many times - that it's just too hard - to either finish what I have started or the goal just seems so far off that there would be no way to reach it.

I have talked a few times about Emily and being in Awana at church. How much she loves it, loves going there, loves accomplishing her goals for that week. It so awesome to see her learning, at a young age, the word of God. It amazes me that I can give her a scripture and the first word or two and she is just rattling the verse off. Me, not so much so. I have a harder time remembering things in general and to try and memorize these verses with her...she out runs me for sure in this category!


Bryan announcing names & awards

Last night was the last night for Awana for the year. This was her first year being involved in it (along with Bryan's first year being a leader) and it was all of our first time for the awards night. It was honestly amazing to see all these kids getting on stage. It was amazing to see all of these kids receiving awards for all their hard work.

Emily has the glasses on.

It was interesting to hear about the awards the kids receive but what was really impressive was to hear about the "biggest" award you can get ~ the Timothy award. This is given to 6th graders who has learned over 400 verses and has done all the required work throughout the years. Seriously amazes me. It was something that as I sat there, as proud as I was of Emily's accomplishment for this year, what I hope her goal will be for the future...the Timothy award!

Emily waiting to get her awards

As I said, this was Emily's first year. She really amazed me when she finished her first book and then went on to her second book. I thought wow, she may really be able to finish two books this year! Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would finish her second book with about 10 weeks left of Awana and start her third book. She did it though ~ she finished all three of her books this year! The Hangglider, Wingrunner and Skystormer! I nearly cried when she came home the last week to say verses and said she did it! I am just so proud of her for accomplishing a goal that seemed nearly impossible at the beginning of the year! I think one thing that made this maybe a little more special is that Bryan was able to be involved. This was something they were able to do together ~ go to Awana together, come home together. Emily was on the same team as Bryan when it came to the game time. For the awards, Bryan was able to announce Emily and the awards she was getting! It just made it all that much more special!

Emily showing me her awards

During the entire program, Benjamin watched and kept asking when he can go up there to get a ribbon. During the times that I would sit with Emily and help her learn her verses, he would be saying "I want to say my verses too"! It just brings a smile to my heart to see how excited he is to join this and to be involved. To know that we are raising our kids to learn about Jesus, His word and to be brought up to love and trust Him as well. Next year, Ben will be able to start Cubbies and it already brings a smile to my face!

I think why this is so special and also makes me so proud of Emily is seeing her so proud of herself. She reached a goal that took alot of hard work. It also just shows me just how far she has come. She will always be on medicine for the rest of her life, but she has also overcome so much. She has also achieved so much, accomplished and experienced so much in her life already. She is learning to love our Lord and trust Him. She has taught me so much and I couldnt be more proud of her.

Have you counted your blessings?

2012-04-27T13:08:00.002-04:00

It's me again! So I opened the month with a post and closing the month with a post! I can't believe how fast this month has flown by!

When I decide what I'm going to post about it has to "come" to me. I have had several things that I thought about posting about this month but it was almost like "in one ear out the other" type of a thing! For some reason though this post, I just couldnt get it out of my head. Like literally! Benjamin was up trying to climb in our bed from 3:00 am - 4:30 and Emily was sick starting at 3:30. So, I have been up since 3:00 am basically with about 1 hour of sleep after that! But anytime I would roll over or get up, this post just keep speaking to me. I finally said, Lord, I will be posting this tomorrow and it was almost like I could stop thinking about it ~ until now!

So blessings ~ when I was at the drive thru Thursday (not McDonalds ~ Walgreens), this song came on the radio and the opening words are "I lost my keys". As soon as Ben heard that, he said "I know this song" and continued to sing those 4 words for the remaining 10 minutes in the drive thru!

This is actually one of my favorite songs. Not just because of the music but also because of the words and what they mean!   Example: have you ever been running late and couldnt find your keys when you got to the car? You realized you left them in your other jacket and you take the time to search for them. Or how about going grocery shopping and realize as soon as you get your cart and the kids settled that you forgot your coupons. How about when you come out of work and its pouring down rain and you didnt bring your umbrella with you. I know these are frustrating situations! I think we have all been there, but have you ever taken the time to just say "Thank you, Lord"? I know, really ~ what is there to be thankful for when your running late for work? Maybe if you were running on time, it could have been you in that four car accident and the delayed (which I believe is the Lords doing) kept you safe!   So now your probably wondering where the positive note is when its raining and there is no umbrella? Well, look at it this way. There are so many people out of a job right now that, praise the Lord, you have a job to come out of to get rained on! Also, isnt it awesome to see how He really works? How the rain comes and it makes everything grow so we can take the time to admire HIS work?

What about all the blessings we have before us that we take for granted? Living in a house - instead of in an alley, having food on the table every night or the means to go out to dinner - instead of standing outside with your kids begging for money so you can just share some bread or fruit. We are so blessed and, now-a-days, we tend to have so much. I am speaking about myself and my kids as well here. I am so thankful for all we have yet there is that part that feels guilty for all we have. The Lord has blessed all of us, not just buy material things but in ways we dont even realize sometimes. How He kept us from that accident, how you somehow had that extra 5.00 to pay for the remaining grocery bill.

Dont take for granted all you have. Next time, take a little time to just say a "thank you" to Him for running late! Take some time today, to sit down and just realized how blessed you are!

Here is the song I talked about earlier ~ hope you enjoy it!

Is this where you belong?

2012-04-02T12:13:00.000-04:00

This is not my home...at least that is what I try to remember, especially on days that just seem like it takes forever to get over! I can rest assure that one day I will be home to my home in Heaven! Did you know I am a Princess? I am a child of the King and one day I will show you my amazing home when HE is finished preparing it for me to live in forever!

Isnt that a little nice to think about? To know the bad days here on earth are just that...bad days that come to an end and one day we will never have another bad day again! On days that Ben is just screaming at the top of his lungs because he isnt getting what he wants or Emily is having an emotional melt down about something else. Better yet, both of them at the same time! I need to remember to take a step back and remember one day, this will be over because there will be no fighting, melt downs, emotional roller coasters and screaming in Heaven. The beautiful sounds of the angels singing is what I wait to hear!

Last week, while eating dinner out, I took Emily's Awana book with us so she could practice her versus for the next night (by the way, she said 6 of them last week!). Since she is wanting to badly to finish her 3rd book this year in the next 5 weeks (when Awana ends), we have been kind of jumping around a little. Doing the little things that she can do now and concentrate on the bigger versus she needs to say. While we were looking at the things she could do now, one of them was for her to draw a picture of the wonderful City we will live in one day. Around the "frame" on the page there was different things describing what Heaven will be like. One of the things on the frame was something like "no more sickness". Emily looked up to me and I told her that means when we die and go to Heaven ~ YOU wont have to take any more medicine, YOU will be healed and wont be sick anymore. Her excitement just knowing that and the smile on her face lite the entire room up. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that moment that time stopped and she knew she wasnt sick anymore and didnt have to take all the medication.

Its awesome to think that we wont be sick when we leave this place. Its wonderful to think that we will see our loved ones that have already gone to see their prepared place in that beautiful city. Its awesome to think that a bad day here on earth will be forgotten about forever one day - when we all get to Heaven!

There is this song that I am attaching for you....in the song it says "take this world and give me Jesus" ~ I hope that this is what your heart is singing today! This world is not where I belong and I long to see my King with arms open wide welcoming me to the house HE has prepared for me in that City!