Hello everyone!

A marital affair can have a myriad of lasting effects on all parties involved. The betrayed spouse is hurt in so many ways, but the affair can also have lasting effects on the cheating spouse as well as the affair partner. Not to mention the families of all of the above.

This weeks discussion will center on the subject of these effects. Whether you are the betrayed spouse, the cheating spouse or the affair partner… What is the single biggest impact that the affair has had on you? Feel free to explain in detail if you wish.

Please be sure to respond to each other’s comments!

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

Related posts:

1. Open Discussion: What if the Shoe Were on the Other Foot?
2. Open Discussion: What Are You Learning About You?
3. Open Discussion: After the Affair Will You Trust Again?

Saturday night was our annual neighborhood hog roast and block party.  It’s a chance to chat with  neighbors both old and new, while drinking too much booze, and eating way too much food.   Since we have lived in our house for twenty years, we have experienced many of these parties and have witnessed the evolution of our neighborhood.

In the early years, the party for me entailed mostly chasing our kids around, while never being able to have a long and meaningful conversation with anyone.  I always left feeling tired and resentful, as it seemed that Doug got to have all the fun and I was the one who ran around, eventually leaving early because the kids were cranky.  Now I realize this was partly my fault.  I should have asked Doug for equal time, but I thought I was being a good wife by doing it all, not knowing that my actions would have compounded into anger and resentment for me.

As the years progressed and the kids got older, the party seemed to settle into a pattern  where the men congregated together and discussed sports, beer, cigars — whatever men talk about,  and the women would sit around and bitch about their husbands. Most of us women were in our late thirties and early forties and we had a lot to complain about.  Most of us were at the point were we felt that we were all just surviving in our lives and our marriages.  We were all feeling overwhelmed with too much to do and too little time, often blaming our spouses for our discontent.  Looking back, most of us had built up years of resentment and didn’t know what to do about our situations.

Saturday was different for me as I became more of an observer and an inquirer.  I was playing armchair psychologist and was interested in finding out more about the dynamics of people and their marriages.  I didn’t set out that night to analyze everyone, but our neighborhood has changed so much through the years, and in my midst were lots of couples in different stages of their lives, that I thought I’d make it a little more interesting and observe what happens at various stages of marriage.

First I met an older couple in their early seventies.  They looked so in love and alive that I assumed that they were on their second marriages.  After we talked about their life a bit, I discovered that they had just celebrated their 5oth wedding anniversary by spending four wonderful weeks in Italy.  Next up for them was an adventure trip where they are going to hike a small portion of the Appalachian Trail.

I couldn’t help but ask them the secrets to a long marriage.  They responded that they always support each other and are always there for each other.  The wife said “He is my best friend and I love being with him.” The information wasn’t really new to me as I had heard it before when talking to other older couples, but it made me sad because I remember a time when Doug and I didn’t always support one another, and we weren’t each other’s best friends.  I thought how easy it is for all of that to slip away.

The next couple I observed just got done shipping their last child off to college and are truly experiencing the empty nest. Contrary to what I thought would happen to this couple, they are having the time of their lives.  They mentioned having sex in the middle of the afternoon, hitting happy hours, and doing things that they had put off for years.  It was good to see that they are surviving and enjoying their lives.

Next I noticed the many couples with young children.  What I saw really alarmed me, because I noticed the same looks, snarls and jabs that I remember experiencing when I was at that stage.  I noticed couples who were overwhelmed, exhausted and had stopped being partners in their marriage.  One couple in particular stuck out.  The wife had been gone all day and the husband had been taking care of their four kids. By the time she arrived at the block party, he was pissed and she wasn’t much happier.

When she walked up, he pretty much just handed over their  baby to her, said “It’s your turn!” And he turned and walked away.  There was no… “Hi honey.  How are you?”  “I missed you.  How was your day?” etc.  Just a lot of anger and resentment.  Not good.

I talked to another mom who just went back to work full time after just having a fourth child a couple of months prior.  She also was not a happy camper and was wondering how she was going to do it all.  She said her husband “…had better step up and help out around the house.”  She also felt that her husband only wanted her to go back to work because of monetary issues, though she felt her husband made enough without her having to work.  She was very resentful.  I got the feeling their relationship is heading for trouble.

Then there was the young couple with their newborn baby.  They were arguing over which one of them got to hold the baby and show it off.  They were definitely working as a team and probably thought they will never become  the parents who were overstressed and angry.  I hope to follow their progress as their family – and responsibilities – continue to grow.  Things will change.  They just don’t know it yet.

I wish I could have wiggled my nose and frozen the moment, like Samantha did on “Bewitched,” and let those people see their future.  I wish I could show them where they may be in five or ten years if they continue doing what they are now doing.  Most of them must somehow realize that  they are forever affecting their marriages, their relationships, and possibly their families, but they all seem too busy and overwhelmed to care right now.  They think that eventually things will get better.  Doug and I did the same things several years ago, and I don’t want anyone to go through what we did.  Little do they know it may be too late.

I thought it was quite interesting to witness our various neighbors, the different stages of marriage and how couples reacted within each stage.  I wish that I would have been more aware of the different stages in our own marriage and how our relationship would evolve due to circumstances within each stage.  I wish I would have made a conscious effort to educate myself on relationships and then acted on the knowledge before it was too late.  Hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?

Related posts:

1. Is A Marital Affair Really Love?
2. One Less Bird in the Nest

Since today is Labor Day, we decided to take a long weekend and spend some time together as a family before Linda’s summer ends and she has to go back to her job as a teacher.  She truly hates this time of year, but I guess I would too if I were in her shoes.  Therefore, today we have a guest post from one of our readers that deals with change and moving on–whether it’s from an emotional affair or from a  job you hate.

Have a great day!

Here is the post:

Many people spend moments in their day searching online for quotes they find meaning in.  This isn’t a new phenomenon; humans have appreciated words of wisdom and knowledge forever.  Somehow, finding a quote that strikes a chord within you is similar to commiserating with a good friend.  In our darkest moments we may feel totally alone in the world.  Finding a quote written voiced by someone else reaffirms for us that we are not alone in our feelings.  When someone has felt the way we are feeling we somehow accept our emotions a bit easier.

Seeking change within our own lives is pivotal in creating the happiness and peace of mind that we all long for.  In our early years, we run full steam ahead into every adventure placed in front of us.  Many times, in the excitement of the moment, it’s difficult to stop and truly appreciate the moment that we are living in.  Therein lays the answer to the difficulty that appears in our life down the road.  One day we slow down enough to examine what our life is truly about and we become confused.  Suddenly we realize that life isn’t about the fancy cars, the big house, and the importance we place on the perception of others.  This is the moment that we begin our quest towards individual peace.

Quotes about moving on with our emotions and our lives become very meaningful to us at this stage.  Taking the time to think about our lives from a different perspective helps to guide us in the direction we are seeking.  Of the most importance during this phase of our lives is our ability to examine the part that we, ourselves, have played in reaching the point at which we’ve arrived.  Without analyzing ourselves and taking responsibility for our choices, we remain rooted in the past.  Accepting our past by moving freely into the present is our goal.  Truly being present in each moment of our day should be our focus.

No related posts.

When I first found out about my husband’s emotional affair, I frantically researched books and the internet on surviving infidelity, as I wanted to know what experts said about the chances of it lasting.  What I found was that most resources sited only 10% of cheating spouses in affairs move on to long term relationships.  Of those 10%, only half are successful.  Well, if I were a betting person, the odds seemed to be in my favor.  In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship.  I felt that way mainly due to what he hold told me about his relationship with Tanya.  I felt that they were meant to be together and that they had figured out what it took to have a lasting long term relationship.  Obviously I was wrong, and after watching my brother’s affair go down the tubes, I have come to some conclusions on why affairs don’t last.

They begin with lies and deceit. In the beginning it may appear flattering that a person would lie and break their commitment to their spouses just to be with another.  However, as the relationship progresses, the cheating spouses begin to wonder if they are lying and betraying each other as well.  For instance, Tanya would have a problem every weekend knowing that Doug was spending a lot of time with me and his family.  If she trusted him and believed he kept his commitment to her, why was she jealous?  Doug also had mentioned that Tanya had a previous relationship where she got “close” to someone.  Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? What if you go through a rough patch?  Would you be able to know for certain your affair partner is committed to you?  If it happened once, couldn’t it happen again?  A relationship that begins with lies and betrayal will always continue—and end, that way.

Their needs aren’t being met. As Dr. Willard Harley suggests in “His Needs Her Needs,” the affair partner may meet one or two of the spouse’s needs perfectly, but the husband/wife are meeting all the others.  During an affair, the cheating spouse may believe that they feel so alive with their affair partner and that person is all that they need to make them complete and happy. Little do they realize though, that the cheating spouse is being fulfilled in other areas by their wife and family.  My brother is the perfect example of this.  In April, he left his wife and family and went to live with his affair partner.  He didn’t maintain much contact with his wife or any of his kids at all.  It only took him three months to realize that his affair partner couldn’t give him everything he needed.  He also found that she wasn’t doing a very good job at meeting those needs that she initially had met perfectly.

The other person isn’t so perfect. It is an illusion that the cheating spouse sees the affair partner as a perfect person/companion.  Because of the dynamics of the affair, life’s realties rarely enter into the affair relationship.  Therefore, the cheating spouses seem to possess all the qualities for each other that they thought had been lacking in their lives previously.  There may be some things that don’t seem so appealing, but they put these unappealing issues in the back of their heads, thinking they really don’t matter so much.  They don’t have to live with the other person.  Eventually reality strikes, and those less than desirable traits seem to surface more and more and doubt starts to set in.  They wonder if it is worth it.

It’s déjà vu all over again. The cheating spouses also bring to their relationship the same problems they had in their marriage.  Just because everything is wonderful right now and they feel that their spouses are the reason for their discontent, they will soon learn that their new relationship will just be as unsatisfying and problematic.  When a person moves from one relationship to another, without any self reflection the relationship stays the same– only the players have changed.

It gets boring after awhile. Eventually the secrecy, excitement and newness of the relationship wear off.  Maintaining an affair, and for the most part leading two separate lives, can be stressful.  This will certainly have an effect on the relationship after a while because an affair lacks any real commitment, and therefore there isn’t much to hold the relationship together.  They begin to wonder if all the trouble is really worth it.

The cheating spouse realizes that the potential loss is too great. When the cheater is faced with the consequences of his/her actions, they often come to the harsh reality of what potentially they could lose.  Besides the obvious of losing their current spouse, they are subject to lose the love and respect of their children, friends and family.  They are subject to losses both financially and emotionally as well.

Experts seem to agree that most affairs don’t last and that the cheating spouses who are involved regret their decisions.  Thinking about Doug’s and my brother’s affair, it upsets me to know that the initial feelings of   admiration, attention and excitement can cause so much  turmoil to people  they have been forging relationships with for years.  I can’t stop thinking about what a mess my brother has created and how difficult it will be to fix.  For him, surviving infidelity may not be possible.  Affairs cause so much long term damage — all for just a short term of gratification.   You wonder that if the cheating spouses knew what the end result would be, would they think again about starting something so dangerous in the first place?  I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.  However, if you are reading the comments on this site, most emotional and physical affairs follow the same script.  There is really nothing unique about any of them.

Can you think of any more reasons why the affair won’t last?  If so, please comment below.

Related posts:

1. Cheating Spouses Must Look Within
2. Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids
3. Webinar Recording: How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse

In our first article of this two-part series, we discussed the 3 reasons you may be holding on to your anger.  Today we are going to offer some tips for expressing your feelings in a more meaningful way so you can begin to let them go and work more towards surviving infidelity.

Once again, we will be referring to the work of Dr. Frank Gunzburg, author of “How to Survive an Affair.”  His course is certainly one of the most comprehensive resources we’ve found on surviving infidelity.  You can also gain valuable knowledge and a lot of good information from his email course.

Dr. Gunzburg offers 3 tips to better express your feelings with your spouse:

Tip #1: Control the Inner Cave Man

Before you even begin talking to or listening to your spouse you need to control your inner “caveman.”  That is, the beast inside of you.

Dr. Gunzburg reminds us that the cheating spouse whom you are talking to is not your enemy. You want this person to be your best friend.  This may be hard to keep in mind when you are trying to discuss feelings of anger and betrayal, but it is critical that you do so.

If you think of your spouse as the enemy, you will let out your inner caveman. Doing this will start the cycle of anger all over again and you will feel the desperate need to win and conquer rather than heal and repair.

You can control this beast inside you and choose to act differently.  The control is in your thinking and in your attitude. The thinking and attitude occur before you have the resultant feelings.

You contain yourself for a reason: It’s the best way to move forward with your marriage. You choose to change your attitude to one of friendship and accept your feelings and not act out in rage so you can save your marriage.

Gunzburg says, “If you won’t do this, if you make excuses about it being too hard, you are essentially giving in to your inner caveman and creating justifications for further unproductive (and perhaps even destructive) arguments with your spouse.”

This isn’t an easy step by any means, but it’s the first step in getting past your anger and surviving infidelity.

Tip #2; Use “I” Statements

In order to communicate your feelings to your spouse effectively, you have to talk in a manner so your spouse can hear what you are saying.  When it comes to communicating anger and resentment, the most important thing to remember is to use “I” statements.

Instead of saying “you did this” and “you did that,” Gunzburg recommends you focus on your personal experience and your feelings.

For instance, you might say: “I feel crushed, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, or I feel resentful.” You can then tell your spouse why you feel these things. But the point is to focus on your experience. Tell your spouse how you feel, not about what “he or she did.”

Tip #3: Manage Your Feelings So You Can Truly Listen

This one is more for the cheating spouse, but does apply to the injured person as well, and it is one of the most important pieces of the whole communication process.

You need to learn to manage your feelings so you can listen to your spouse.

That means identifying him or her as a friend instead of an enemy as mentioned above. It also means no defending, no editorializing and no argumentation.  It means accepting what your spouse is saying as his or her experience, even if you don’t agree with or like what is being said. It means assuming your spouse is a rational person with good reasons for thinking or feeling the way he or she does. And it means you make an attempt to understand your spouse’s perspective even if it doesn’t match your own.

Forget about the idea of someone being “right.” Instead focus on the experience your spouse is describing.  Allow your spouse to develop his or her thoughts and feelings in real time. Ask questions. Be attentive. And don’t hold your spouse to previous statements made in the conversation.

I struggled with this aspect at first, to be honest with you.  When Doug and I would discuss his emotional affair, I tended to let my emotions get in the way and consequently, I heard what he was saying but I wasn’t really listening.  It didn’t sink in.  I’d always end up asking the same questions over and over.  Eventually, using this technique, I was able to put aside my emotions and have deep, meaningful, calm discussions with Doug so that I could truly understand where he was coming from.

It also helped me to move past having to know all the details of the affair and instead allowed us to discover the underlying reasons that existed within our marriage that caused it to happen in the first place.

The bottom line is to really listen to your spouse. Understand his or her perspective. Don’t stay buried in your own perceptions.

These tips are only a small part of a larger step-by-step program for managing angry feelings, discussing them, and improving your communication skills overall.  But if you incorporate these tips, by themselves they can make a dramatic difference in your marriage and in your chances of surviving infidelity. These are ways you can move beyond your anger and continue down the path toward acceptance.

Holding onto anger and pain damages you more than anyone else. Make a commitment to yourself to get rid of it. Please go to: www.surviveanaffair.com and get started receiving Dr. Gunzburg’s free information.

Related posts:

1. Surviving Infidelity: Getting Past the Anger
2. Surviving Infidelity: The Marriage Journal
3. Surviving Infidelity: Follow Your Pain

Good Wednesday!

Our focus this week is primarily on gaining control and handling anger after the affair. I know that when I found out about Doug’s emotional affair, I did not get angry–at least outwardly. I wish that I would have though, as I think it would have served as a way to flush my system of the anger, but I was afraid to, as I thought it would drive Doug away.

So, along this line, the discussion topic for the week…How did/do you deal with the anger? Did you let loose with rage, or did you keep it inside you? Why? How do/did you express your anger? Did your anger make you do things out of character? Finally, do you think that anger can be a positive thing?

Please be sure to respond to each other’s comments!

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

Related posts:

1. Open Discussion: Your Self-Esteem After the Affair
2. Surviving Infidelity: Expressing Anger without “Getting” Angry
3. Open Discussion: How Did You Handle the Affair?

If your spouse cheated on you, it’s a natural urge for most people to explode (usually verbally, but in many cases physically), especially in the very early stages immediately after you find out about the affair.  This anger can be useful to the injured person, but there comes a time when expressing your angry feelings gets to a point of diminishing returns. It starts creating more problems for surviving infidelity than it solves.

The problem of unrelenting anger is one of the single biggest obstacles on your path to acceptance and ultimately forgiveness. Learning how to cope with, manage, and express your feelings so they effectively help you change your marriage instead of tearing you apart inside is a major goal for many who are surviving infidelity and as you search for ways to forgive your spouse.

In fact, some of you may not even know the full extent of why you are really angry. There are some underlying factors that maintain the cycle of anger that you may not be aware of. This lack of awareness can perpetuate the problem.

In this first of two articles, we will discuss the three reasons you may be holding on to your anger, and then in part two we will offer some tips for expressing your feelings in a more meaningful way so you can begin to let them go and work more towards surviving infidelity.

3 Reasons You are Still Angry After the Affair

Dr. Frank Gunzburg, in his book “How to Survive an Affair,” says there are a lot of reasons you might be holding on to your emotional pain and anger. One of the main reasons is that holding onto the pain and anger feels like a kind of protection.

The thinking goes: “If I continue to feel the pain, it will keep me from being foolish in the future by being duped or having this happen again.”

Another variation on this might be:

“If I maintain my anger, my partner will really know how much he hurt me and how important this issue is to me. Consequently, my spouse will be motivated to take care of my hurt feelings and not repeat the transgression.”

You may be experiencing thoughts and feelings like this right now.

However, what you might not be aware of is that there are at least three issues hidden inside statements like these that reveal the real reason you are still angry.

They are:

1. You want to show your cheating spouse how hurtful his or her actions were so you can get the special treatment you desire from him or her to make you feel that you can move on from the transgression.

2. You want your cheating spouse to know how hurtful the behavior was and continues to be, so he or she will diligently search his or her behavior for an understanding of how this happened, accept full responsibility for it and for the subsequent pain it caused, and be authentically remorseful about it.

3. You want to have some assurance that this will never happen again. This is a biggie! You may feel as though you have been made to look foolish, and you never want to feel this way again. Through the logic of points one and two, you feel that extending the pain and anger will effect a change in your spouse.

These issues are understandable, and they reflect important aspects of the healing process.  However, anger, particularly continuing anger will almost never get you what you want.

If you’re angry, it’s more likely your spouse will feel attacked and either withdraw, defend him- or herself, or attack back.

In any case, he or she will likely stop trying to provide you with the words and actions you need to feel better about your marriage or will do so reluctantly, feeling coerced and perhaps resentful.

It’s true that your spouse behaved in a selfish manner that completely failed to take you and your feelings into consideration. That’s a character flaw your spouse has to overcome.

If you decide you are going to stay and work to save your marriage, then at some point you have to manage your angry thoughts before they become angry feelings: You begin to treat your spouse as your friend and not as your enemy.

The anger is not protecting you. In fact, your anger is probably hurting you more than anyone else.  For one thing there is the additional psychological stress and pain you feel every day you continue to carry this anger.

However, anger has more than a psychological impact. It changes you physically as well. It’s hard on your heart. It alters the way your blood vessels deposit fat. It can affect the way your body processes sugar and insulin. It can even change the biochemistry of your brain.

Anger doesn’t serve you. It’s not a shield. It’s a weapon – a weapon you use against an enemy, but in today’s world, you are destroying yourself with it. You need to let it go. It’s killing you.

However, that doesn’t mean you should suddenly pretend everything is rosy in your marriage again. That isn’t realistic either.

You need to express your hurt, or, rather, the ideas that are driving your anger. You need to communicate your pain to your spouse if you are going to move past this terrible trap and continue down the road to acceptance and eventually forgiveness.

Communication is the core of your marriage. It’s your method to heal. If you can’t communicate, surviving infidelity is impossible and your marriage may never heal. When it comes to anger and the hurt that underlies it, learning how to communicate those thoughts becomes more important than ever – especially if your spouse has betrayed you.

In part two of this article we will give you some tips on how to express your anger in a more effective fashion.

For more information on Dr. Gunzburg’s program as well as free information on surviving infidelity, please visit his website.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this and how you are getting along in your marriage after the affair.  Please leave a comment in the section below.

Related posts:

1. Surviving Infidelity: Expressing Anger without “Getting” Angry
2. Discussion: How Do You Handle the Anger After the Affair?
3. Surviving Infidelity: Follow Your Pain

A lot of people refer to the day you discover your spouse’s affair.  Sometimes it is referred to as D-Day or Armageddon or something such as that to describe how your world gets turned upside down, and it’s so alien from what it once was. During this time it is so common to feel completely out of control. So what are some of the things that you can do to regain some sort of control in your life after the affair?

Jeff Murrah LPC, author of “How to Cope With a Cheating Spouse” recommends 5 things:

The FIRST is for people to make a conscience change in their thinking to go from assuming that the affair is a crisis to looking at it like it’s a problem. There’s something about the way that we think when we’re in crisis.  We feel like we are out of control, we can’t deal with it and we’re helpless. Yet when we start looking at problems as if they are problems, our mind starts to find solutions to these problems.

No. 2. Focus on what you need to do. Many times what happens — with that sense of being out of control — is that people have lost their sense of focus. They’re either looking too far into the future or they’re looking into the past and they’re not taking care of what they need to do right now. If you’ve ever been on a boat, the one thing that sailors do is take a bearing and find out exactly where they are, then they can — once they know where they’re at and what they need to focus on — set a course to get to their destination.

No. 3. Let go of unrealistic expectations. Many times we still have this magical thinking that we want somebody or something to come along, wave a magic wand and we’ll be back in love again like Prince Charming or Sleeping Beauty. This Disney movie mindset is something that gets in the way when it comes to regaining control.

No. 4. It’s important to find a good support group.  A good support group is not the people that keep you out of pain. Good support is going to be the people that are going to be by your side going through the pain. They are the people that are willing to tell you the truth. Many times when we’re hurting we automatically assume that the best people for us are those that will get us out of the pain. Those may be some of the worst supporters for us.  They may  just be telling you what you want to hear.   Many times when your support group helps so much with the pain, you lose motivation to want to turn around and fix your marriage.

And No. 5.  It’s going to be important to focus on overcoming separateness rather than reducing the pain. After the affair there’s distance in the relationship between a husband and a wife. It’s going to be important to look at what’s going to decrease that separateness as opposed to what’s going to get you out of that pain.

Many people react in a knee-jerk fashion after the affair has been discovered which can be counterproductive in the overall scheme of things.  Take to heart these 5 tips that Jeff provides and they will help you regain the sense of control that is necessary to begin the healing process and save your marriage.

Jeff has offered much advice on our site, and for that we are very grateful.  Both Linda and I have learned a great deal from Jeff and we highly recommend his book “How to Cope With a Cheating Spouse,” as it offers exceptional information on what to do after D-Day.

Related posts:

1. Webinar Recording: How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse
2. Webinar: How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse
3. Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids

I came across the following piece the other day quite by accident, but I thought that it was excellent, and wanted to share it with you all.  It’s called “The Awakening” by Virginia Marie Swift.

Virginia is a writer who has had a lot of experience with being wounded. She was sexually abused by her step-father from age 9 to 13. She was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 29 years, until he died in 1991. She then became engaged to another abusive man for 4 years. However, she had grown enough to recognize how unhealthy he was for her and ended that.  She considers herself not just a survivor, but an “overcomer!”

I found “The Awakening” to not only be thought provoking, but inspiring as well, and I think you will too!

The Awakening

By Virginia Marie Swift

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening…

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything; it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it’s just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

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Some of you may have noticed that there were no posts or anything on the site today.  Thanks to the wonders of technology, everything vanished for no reason!  Also thanks to the wonders of technology, our wonderful host, Hostgator helped me to repair it.  Thank you!

Today’s post is below.

My stroke is over now!

Doug

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