Over the past 3 years, I’ve tried my hardest to make amends for my actions that occurred while in my emotional affair.  Though I’ve made my share of mistakes, this whole process has opened my eyes to my own faults as a person and has been the most painful learning experience of my life.

As a result of the affair our lives are forever changed.  Some of those changes are good and others are required.  For instance, I now live a totally transparent existence, sharing any and all information that passes before me each day.  I stay in contact with Linda throughout the day and am open to communication about the affair whenever Linda desires.  When she has questions or fears about things, I accept them openly without anger or defensiveness.  I have no problems with her checking voice mail, texts, emails, or whatever.

I’m ashamed for what I did and need to continue to make amends and create the highest level of trustworthiness possible.  I am confident that someday soon my emotional affair will be nothing but a distant memory void of any pain for Linda – though at times she may think otherwise.

My affair recovery process has included deeper analysis of my past character, habits and behavior resulting in a better understanding of why the affair occurred.  It has been a truly powerful process.

Here are a few of the things I have learned about why the emotional affair happened:

I failed to maintain boundaries.  I always had flirted with attractive women throughout my teenage and adult life.  Most of the time I considered it simple harmless fun while at a party or at work.   All this flirting back and forth did nothing but build my fragile self-esteem and stroked my male ego, all the while not realizing the possible effects it had on the person with whom I was flirting with.  Allowing myself to meet Tanya and other women for lunch even prior to my emotional affair, and even though always work related, were other mistakes in judgment.  I think the cumulative effect of this bending of boundaries created a hole in the fence that should have kept anyone other than Linda out.

I was insensitive and selfish.   At the time, I was too consumed with my own feelings, business problems and what was missing in our relationship that I didn’t think about the consequences my emotional affair could have on Linda, our lives and our family. It was selfish and insensitive of me not to share my feelings of discontent in our relationship with Linda and instead shared them with another person.

Also, this selfishness and insensitivity caused me to act in a way that was quite contrary to my upbringing and to the morals and values that I was taught.  I was a hypocrite and totally ignored my own conscious.

I lied to myself.  Because of the “affair fog” I was in at the time, I became a master at rationalization.  After discussing it at length with Tanya, I truly came to believe that Linda didn’t care for me and thought our marriage was destined to be one void of true love, intimacy and passion.  I re-wrote the story of our wonderful marriage and turned it into a piece of worthless fiction.  If I hadn’t, how could I have justified what I was doing?

I was an uncaring coward.  When Linda discovered the emotional affair I should have ended it immediately and dropped to my knees begging her for forgiveness.  Instead, I continued my justifications and the affair.  And though it killed me to see her in so much pain, I was in my little bubble thinking that the grass was greener with Tanya.  I will forever feel guilt because of that.  I erroneously felt that I didn’t want to hurt either of them and ended up hurting the person who deserved it the least.  I was wrong.  My conscious was telling me the way out but I was too stupid to take it.

Though the preceding elements are all negative, please understand that many positives have come out of this whole emotional affair mess – both on a personal level and within our relationship.  Our marriage has never been better, as all of the ingredients necessary for a great relationship are at their highest levels in our 32 years together.  Sure we still have  little ways yet to travel to get to total healing and recovery – and I know there will be bumps along the way – but I’m looking forward to the rest of our journey together.

Related posts:

1. The Lack of ‘Real Love’ is the Real Cause of Infidelity
2. Accepting the Past and My Emotional Affair
3. Our Emotional Affair Recovery One Year Later
4. An Emotional Affair Lacks a Strong Bond
5. A Marital Affair Can Get Real Serious Real Fast

Real Reasons the Emotional Affair Happened

Happy Wednesday!

Recently we have been focusing many of our blog topics on things like breaking the affair addiction, getting the cheater to do what’s necessary to gain forgiveness, empowering yourself, etc.  But what if your cheating spouse refuses to help in any way, or perhaps is only putting forth half-assed effort?  Or worse yet, what if he/she is continuing the affair?

If you feel that you are spinning your wheels when it comes to your affair recovery and healing, you may have considered giving the cheater an ultimatum or two.  It seems though that many times the betrayed is afraid of giving ultimatums for many different reasons.  Some legitimate.  Some not so legitimate.

So our topic this week will revolve around this.

Have you given your cheating spouse an ultimatum?

If so, what was it and what was the outcome?

If you have not given the cheating spouse an ultimatum…why not?  What fears are holding you back?

Please respond to each other in the comment section.

Thanks so much for all of your contributions!

Linda & Doug

Related posts:

1. Discussion – How Did You Catch Your Cheating Spouse?
2. Discussion: How Do You Get the Cheating Spouse Out of the Affair Fog?
3. Discussion: Should a Cheating Spouse Confess?
4. Discussion: Getting The Cheating Spouse to Talk About the Affair
5. Discussion: Negative Feelings Towards the Cheating Spouse

Discussion – Giving the Cheating Spouse Ultimatums

Last week we wrote a post about David Lieberman’s 10 phases of forgiveness and making peace with another.  I was particularly interested in phase 7, which is restoring the sense of balance to the relationship after an emotional affair.  In this phase, Lieberman states that it’s important for the cheater to let the betrayed know that their actions produced no enjoyment or any type of beneficial results whatsoever.  The person needs to explain that their transgression was a mistake and if the cheater benefitted in some way, then he/she will have to give back more in order to make things right.

This phase made me think about some of the comments that Doug has made on this blog and personally to me that sometimes have produced negative effects on my recovery.  He’s been asked what benefits he received from his emotional affair or why he continued it after d-day. He would respond basically that he was just having fun being with Tanya.  His response was very difficult for me to hear and after reading about this phase I understand why.  I realized that if he still believed it was so much fun and he hasn’t fully processed all the negative aspects of his affair, what stops him from doing it again?

Often times the cheater will be in denial and afraid to admit the negative consequences of their actions. If they are able to admit that the affair wasn’t as wonderful as they thought it was, then they will have to explore more within themselves.  One question they might ponder could be: “What was missing within ME that made me vulnerable to engage and remain in this damaging relationship in the first place?”  Exploring this question puts all the responsibility on the cheater and removes the blame that they have imposed on their spouses.

In the book “Torn Asunder,” Dave Carder discusses the stages of an affair.  The initial stages are filled with excitement, fun and the chemical feelings of falling in love.  However, after the affair partners admit their feeling for each other the dynamics of the relationship changes.  This is when the affair partners will begin to feel guilt.

If the cheaters really take a hard look back to this stage of the affair, they will recall that the majority of the time they felt guilt, shame, loss of control and loss of their self-respect.  If they look closely at their actions they might agree that they became addicted to their affair partner because they needed for them to medicate these feelings and validate that they were okay.

The cheater needs to remember all the work and stress that was involved for only a minimal amount of positive benefits.  They need to remember all the actions they engaged in to keep their secret.   They need to remember the lies they told the people they love.   They need to remember the fear they experienced when they forgot to delete messages or close their email.  They need to remember the times they looked in their rear view mirror or behind their backs, wondering if they were being followed. They need to remember the effort it took to maintain two separate lives.  They need to remember the feeling of their life spiraling out of control, unable to stop it. They need to remember how they felt when they looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person they saw.  This person had become someone quite different – a liar and a betrayer.

The cheater needs to remember all the times they beat themselves up because they couldn’t stop this damaging behavior and in turn felt weak and out of control. They need to remember the days they promised themselves that they would stop, only to find themselves texting and calling their affair partner.   They need to remember the times in which they hated themselves for their actions and attempted to take their loved ones down with them by withdrawing or being overly critical.

Many times all of this stress will eventually catch up with them and can affect their physical health as well.  They might begin to have headaches, heart palpitations, stomach issues, high blood pressure, etc.  During Doug’s emotional affair I remember looking at him one day and I feared that he was at the end of his rope. He looked so desperate and I was afraid of what he was going to do.  I remember calling and begging his doctor to see him and try to do something or give him something to save him, because I knew I couldn’t help him.

If the cheater is able to process and remember all the negative implications of their actions the probability that it will happen again will be greatly diminished.  Why would someone want to return to something or someone that caused so much emotional turmoil?  Instead of believing how wonderful their affair partner made them feel, they need to accept that being with this person brought them down to their lowest level possible.

And for the record, I know that Doug was just going back in time when responding to the questions about what benefits he experienced.  He has done quite a lot of self-reflection and is fully aware of all the negative aspects of his emotional affair and how the affair took him to his lowest levels.  I can’t tell you how important it is to me for him to have come to this higher level of inner awareness.

My hope is when a cheater is trying to gain forgiveness and they are asked why they did something so damaging, they can honestly tell their spouses that they looked within themselves and realized that there were specific internal reasons for the affair and that it was the biggest mistake they ever made.  They can tell their spouses that the so-called good times they had during the affair were times they would love to forget because they represent the lowest point in their lives and they never want to feel that low again.  And finally, they can tell their spouses they cannot recall any benefits they received from the emotional affair (or physical affair) relationship and they will do everything in their power to repair the damage they have caused.

Related posts:

1. Why Can’t I Remember Things After the Affair?
2. The Emotional Affair Wasn’t the Catalyst for Change
3. A Cheater’s Mistakes After the Emotional Affair
4. After the Affair – Control the Affect of the Cheater’s Choices
5. Can the Cheater do What’s Necessary to Heal From the Affair?

The Cheater Needs to Remember the Emotional Affair Wasn’t So Great After All

As usual, I have about four books that I’m simultaneously reading.  One of them, “Make Peace With Anyone” by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D., offers some suggestions regarding forgiveness for infidelity that I wanted to share with you.

Dr. Lieberman offers a ten phase approach to gain forgiveness after someone has clearly violated the trust, respect and rights of another. In other words, this is a process for the cheater to gain forgiveness from the betrayed for their infidelity.

The Ten Phases to Gain Forgiveness for Infidelity

Use the three-star approach.  Lieberman’s three-stars are humility, emotion and respect. In essence, this phase states that if the cheater has anything other than complete humility (no ego), it’s a waste of time.  It’s all about the betrayed, not the cheater.

Also it is important that the cheater be genuinely emotional and not to base their attempts at forgiveness on logic.  At the same time, the cheater must maintain a high degree of respect.  That means no arguing, screaming or making demands.  The cheater needs to understand that it is not so much about what he/she did as much as it is about the underlying loss of respect.

Accept responsibility.  Man up (or woman up) and take full and complete responsibility for your actions.  Do not make excuses or try to shift blame.  If you take responsibility then you have the power to make things right.

Sincerely apologize.  Say “I’m sorry.”  Say it sincerely or it won’t be believed.  If you are not believed, you will not be forgiven.  One important note that Lieberman makes is that if you are not truly sorry for what you’ve done…“it might be time to reevaluate the situation, the relationship, and yourself.”

Be willing to accept and even offer consequences.  What the cheater did showed a total lack of trust and responsibility.  Putting oneself in the hands of the betrayed and taking responsibility for their actions and any consequences goes a long way toward establishing the power that the betrayed lost.   Don’t try and weasel out without accepting any repercussions.  Freely giving the betrayed back his/her power by acknowledging that it is up to them to determine the fate of the relationship is very important.

Solidify in the real world with a specific action.  The cheater should actually make changes in his/her life which will go a long way in letting the betrayed know that the cheater is sincere in their convictions.  As Lieberman says, “Actions shout, while words whisper.”

The cheater can set the victim’s mind at ease by making changes in their life that show that what they did was wrong and they are not making changes merely to gain forgiveness for infidelity.  “Whatever caused the catalyst, change the dynamics to prevent or severely minimize the chances of it happening again.”

Reestablish mutual respect.  The victim has lost respect in the cheater.  The cheater should show the victim what kind of person they really are by doing things that shows their true character.  Do something good for someone else or stand up for someone or for a good cause.  The cheater should let the betrayed see their true nature so that their transgression is filtered through this better light.

Restore the sense of balance.  Lieberman says that the key to forgiveness lies in restoring balance to the relationship.  It is important to let the victim know that the transgression produced no enjoyment or benefit whatsoever.  It must be made clear that not only was the affair a mistake, but it didn’t produce any benefits either.  If the cheater did gain in some way, then they will have to give back more in order to make things right as soon as possible.  Continue to do what is right.

Establish peace of mind.  The cheater has to answer the question, Why?  Lieberman suggests that every wrong action comes down to the same motivation – and that is fear.  Perhaps the reason for the affair was that the cheater feared he/she was unattractive or not lovable, for instance.  Fear is what makes us all vulnerable and the root of this fear needs to be explored within the cheater’s mind.  Then the cheater must relate this fear to the person they have hurt.

Now the transgression is seen less as a betrayal and more as an irrational act of fear by a confused person.  This furthers the cheater’s vulnerability and helps to restore the victim’s feeling of power and dignity.  This allows the victim to take an active and important role in restoring his/her own sense of control.  By the cheater rooting their motivations in fear, which is a response to feelings of inadequacy to deal with the situation, it diminishes the perception of his/her ego.

After amplifying the fear-based motivation, reestablishing the commitment to the victim and to the relationship is essential.

Internal justification.  The cheater must try to demonstrate how the relationship will be better than it was before the transgression.  Otherwise, the victim will only feel that if he/she agrees to forgive, he/she’s thinking that it’s only going to go back to a damaged relationship, which might not be worth much anymore.  But by showing the victim what happened and the subsequent changes the cheater has made to strengthen the commitment and relationship, the victim is gaining something better than what was lost.

Put together a specific, painless game plan.  It’s important for the cheater to show the betrayed exactly how things will proceed – slowly, easily, and with the victim in control all of the way.  The cheater needs to offer a clear-cut course of action that moves slowly and offers the option to continue, stop or change course at any time.

Lieberman ends this section with a spiritual reflection that I thought was wonderful:

Related posts:

1. Forgiving Infidelity: What Forgiveness Is and Is Not
2. Recovering From an Affair: No Pain. No Gain.
3. Emotional Affair: Understanding the Phases

Ten Phases to Gain Forgiveness for Infidelity

As our discussion this week we wanted to report back to you the result of our healing from infidelity survey that we conducted the other day.

I can’t  really say that the results were surprising as it seems that rebuilding trust is always the number one issue that folks have.   What was a bit surprising to me is that only 24.9% of you thought that negotiating and redesigning your relationship was the most important element. Perhaps that indicates that most of you are not quite to that point yet in your affair recovery and healing process. Thoughts??

We asked the following question:

What is the most important element(s) that you require to help you with healing from infidelity?

And here are the results:

Rebuilding trust                                                                                                    71.7%

Better communication about the affair and/or relationship             53.7%

Dealing with your own obsessing about the affair                                  51.7%

Getting the cheater to put the required work in to help healing      49.3%

Reconnecting on an emotional and intimate level                                43.9%

Negotiating and redesigning your relationship                                      24.9%

Guidance about divorce and/or separation                                               3.9%

Other elements that were mentioned:

•  Re-establishing self-esteem and self-worth

• Getting the cheater to stop lying

• Rediscovering and rebuilding oneself

• Obsessive thoughts of the cheater and the affair partner together

• Needing time to process the events of the affair

• How to reconnect when emotionally your heart and soul have died

• Getting the  affair partner to stay out of the picture

• Dealing with spouse’s obsessing about the affair partner

• Getting the cheater to come clean and admit to what he/she did

• For the cheater to be transparent and honest and putting the effort into improving the relationship

• Seeing true remorse and sorrow in the cheater

• Leaving the past behind

• Mourning everything you had before the affair

• Learning how to process, then grieve, then move away from the triggers

• Arriving at some decision about what direction we are going after 16 months of limbo

For discussion purposes we can also try and offer some advice or comment on some of these additional issues that people are struggling with.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to take the survey and for all of you who offer such wonderful comments and words of wisdom!  We know that people appreciate it and benefit a great deal.

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Related posts:

1. Survey – Healing From Infidelity
2. Open Discussion: Healing From Infidelity
3. Discussion: Can Healing After an Affair Be This Simple?
4. Discussion: Please Take Our Survey!
5. Healing From Infidelity: 8 Steps to a Stronger Marriage

Discussion – Thoughts on Our Healing From Infidelity Survey

If you’ve been trying to heal after the affair for any length of time, you have probably said to yourself something along the lines of: “Boy, if I would have known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes in the past.”  I look back at all the things I did after being blindsided by Doug’s emotional affair and wish that I would have had some source or knowledge for what I should have been focusing on at the time.

The most difficult time I have is the time that I found all the phones calls and texts on Doug’s phone (our first d-day and when I finally put my foot down).  I stopped being a doormat and Doug sincerely asked for forgiveness and began the hard work of saving our marriage.

I look back at the period of time prior to that and honestly I become very angry.  I feel anger towards Doug because of the way he treated me and get angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

After the affair is discovered, the betrayed spouse is in shock and they are in denial and they are really incapable of doing much of anything at that point.  They are also looking out for the welfare of their family, they do not know the seriousness of the situation (mainly because the cheater will not be completely honest) and they believe that the cheater will do what is right.

However, as the days and months go on and either the affair continues or the cheater is not making the effort to emotionally re-enter the marriage, the betrayed spouse needs to take a stance.  But the betrayed spouse often continues to lose the control and power they need to wake up and really look deep within themselves to figure out if they are acting in a way that displays that they have self-respect and self-love.

After d-day, so many of us will do anything to save our marriage.  We will take the blame, change so we are more like the affair partner, make dates, bite our tongues and comprise our values.  I remember doing things that I was very uncomfortable with just to get Doug to notice me or want me. I remember thinking I was being a bad example to my daughters and that I should have more self-respect.

My advice to anyone who finds themselves in this situation is to stop reading all the books that tell you how to be more desirable to the opposite sex, the books that tell you how to be a better lover or how to save your marriage.  Instead, put your energy into trying to save yourself.  Try to figure out why you are allowing your spouse to walk all over you, why you are allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.

I know that you cannot control what your spouse is doing to you and cannot stop their affair, but you have to somehow understand that you can control how you allow this to affect you.  You need to work on YOU and do things that make you feel good about yourself.  You also need to ask yourself if the way you are handling this situation is good for you or are your actions only an attempt to make your spouse love you.

The way I acted during this time has been a big wake up call for me.  I am searching for answers why I became a doormat and did not take a different stance of the situation.  I am trying to figure out if this has been a consistent pattern for me and if I have always suffered from low self-concept.

After the affair, you cannot control your spouse’s actions.  You cannot stop them from continuing the affair or from treating you poorly.  The only thing you can control is how you are affected by their choices.

Related posts:

1. Control Your Thoughts So The Emotional Affair Doesn’t Control You
2. How to Control Your Thoughts After the Affair – An Example
3. How to Regain Control After the Affair
4. Can the Cheater do What’s Necessary to Heal From the Affair?
5. A Cheater’s Mistakes After the Emotional Affair

After the Affair – Control the Affect of the Cheater’s Choices

I wanted to continue just a bit from my post from last Thursday.  The main theme of that post dealt with the affair addiction and today I’m going to touch on a process for getting the cheater to stay off of their “drug” of choice – their emotional affair.

I’m going to refer once again to one of our favorite authors, Dave Carder in his book, “Torn Asunder.”

As I mentioned, breaking free from the addiction of an emotional affair is a process and Mr. Carder’s process has six components:

Separation.  Abstinence and sobriety are the primary elements that must be emphasized.  Don’t get your fix by being in the affair partner’s presence and don’t share anymore of your life’s experiences with this person.  Mr. Carder says it best… “The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.”

Identification.  The cheater in most cases cannot just bury their feelings for the other person, so Carder maintains that the cheater must somehow discover just what needs the other person was meeting.  What did that person touch inside of them?  It’s interesting to note that Carder feels that most of the time, these unmet needs go back to their childhood and the cheater brings them into the marriage.  They are usually met during the initial stages of the relationship with the spouse, but tend to get buried over time due to life taking over.

Exposure.  The cheater cannot keep their longings and feelings a secret.  If so, he/she will only start to idealize the affair partner and the result is that this person becomes perfect and no one else can measure up.  “The [affair] partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”

Journal.  The cheater needs to write down his/her feelings so as to break the influence of their secrecy.  Since these feelings are often carried forward from childhood, journaling brings them into the adult realm.

Displacement.  Do something other than focusing on the affair partner.  Exercise, take on a hobby, get involved in spiritual development, meditate, etc.  Do something to occupy your mind.  This element should be done in tandem with the others in the process.

Grieve.  When the affair ends, the cheater could experience depression.  This can be hard for the betrayed spouse to understand, though it is important and necessary.  It’s also a good time for the cheater to review other situations in his/her past where something (or someone) significant was lost and the resulting feelings were similar.  Carder cautions however, that the depression or grieving is not about what the cheater feels for the affair partner, but just what they are feeling, period. So keep the affair partner out of the equation. He says that “…it will make it easier for your spouse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.”

It is possible with lots of time and lots of self-discovery to rebuild your marriage after an emotional affair has been discovered.  Progress will eventually come if you work through this process.   I like what Carder says when he writes: “This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.”

Related posts:

1. Don’t Put Up With the Affair Addiction Anymore
2. Dave Carder on Why Men Stay After an Affair
3. Marital Infidelity—an Addiction
4. Having an Affair Within Your Marriage
5. I’m Finished Competing With The Emotional Affair

Getting ‘Unhooked’ from the Emotional Affair Addiction

Hello everyone! We hope that your week is going well.

Instead of our normal discussion today, we wanted to conduct another quick, 1 question survey.

Regardless of how far out you are from discovering your partner’s affair, the ultimate goal is healing and recovery. Basically, getting over the affair and allowing yourself to move on.

Moving on can mean different things to different people. For instance, it could mean saving your marriage and creating a new and better one or it could mean divorce and starting over. We’ll let you determine your own definition.

If for some reason the survey does not show up below, you can click here to take it.

When it comes to healing then…

After answering the question, feel free to make any comments that you wish about healing and recovering from an affair in the comment section below.

We’ll publish the results of the survey in the near future.

Thanks and take care!

Linda & Doug

Related posts:

1. Discussion: Please Take Our Survey!
2. Open Discussion: Healing From Infidelity
3. Healing From Infidelity: Don’t Keep It Inside
4. Healing From Infidelity: I Am Proud of My Husband
5. Healing from Infidelity: I Liberated Myself Today

Survey – Healing From Infidelity

Throughout the last two years we have preached the importance of working on yourself to become as strong as possible while you are faced with dealing with infidelity – to empower yourself is extremely important.

The term empowerment has different meanings in different socio-cultural and political contexts and does not translate easily into all languages. There are a number of terms that are thrown about when discussing the term.  These terms include self-strength, control, self-power, self-reliance, own choice, life of dignity in accordance with one’s values, capable of fighting for one’s rights, independence, own decision making, being free, awakening, and capability – to mention only a few.   For us the best everyday definition of empowerment is very simple – “Helping people to help themselves” or “Leading people to learn to lead themselves”.

During the last few weeks Doug and I have been attempting to make some changes within ourselves.  What I mean by that is we are delving into our minds and our spirits to not only bring about beneficial changes in all areas of our lives, but also to help bring about a higher level of healing after the affair.

Procrastinators by nature, we are still working on our goals and resolutions for the year.  Though we haven’t put them to paper yet, we have the ball rolling, as it were.  We are exercising more, we are meditating, we are reading self-improvement books and we are learning more about the power of the mind and being in the present.

Right now in fact, we’re both reading a book that was recommended to us called “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown.  Neither of us are far enough into it to blog about it yet, much less recommend it, but as the back cover suggests… “Personal peace is not given to us by others – it arises through our response to ourselves.”

Your mind controls your thoughts and your actions and can lead you to greater healing – or could instead lead you towards self-destructive thoughts and emotions.  If you haven’t already, we would suggest that you try to commit to a regimen of self exploration and self-improvement –  especially when it comes to harnessing the power of your mind.

I realize that while dealing with infidelity you may feel that the overwhelming pain you are experiencing is too much for you to bear and the last thing you want to do is work on yourself.  But I have to impress upon you that inner power and self-reliance are your main assets as you travel your own journey towards recovery and healing.

If nothing else, this whole mess can provide you with an opportunity to learn about yourself and about relationships and come out a much stronger person.  But the choice to go down that path is up to you.

Special Note: I had planned on writing this post after we had more time into our self-improvement program but we were made aware of a beneficial package that  is very time-sensitive.  Today at 9:00 AM EST through this Thursday at 9:00 AM EST, The Empowerment Pac will be available.  This is a package of over 25 personal development and self-improvement courses, books, and guides from some of the biggest names in the industry,  for a 90% discount off the regular prices of these products.  We WILL be purchasing this ourselves today for sure and recommend that you consider doing so as well.  You can get more information about it by clicking here.

Related posts:

1. Dealing With Infidelity: Why Did it Happen?
2. Dealing With Infidelity: Another Learning Experience
3. Dealing With Infidelity: My Top 9 Mistakes
4. Marriage Makeover: Stop Working on the Relationship
5. 4 Ways to Empower Yourself After the Emotional Affair

Dealing with Infidelity – Working on You to Empower Yourself

Recently, we’ve been mentoring and communicating with several betrayed spouses who are going through some difficult times to say the least.  Two primary issues are common with almost every case.  Either their spouses do not want to let go of their affair partners and are leaving to be with them to see if it was meant to be.  Or, the cheater has stopped contact but is having a very difficult time letting go of their affair partners – not so much from the standpoint of continuing their affair, but more so from the standpoint that they cannot control or stop their thoughts and feelings towards their affair partners.

The first phrase that comes to my mind when I hear these stories is “affair addiction.”   Linda even said the same thing the other night while discussing a person’s situation.

Whether their affair addiction is due to the other person, the feelings that they experienced, sex, love or whatever, they are having a rough time letting go.  And until they can do so, recovering and healing from the affair hit a dead end.

Another thing to keep in mind is that even if it’s ‘only’ their thoughts and feelings that are continuing to be an issue, there could potentially be further contact with the other person at some point in the future, as they need to “get a fix” – if you will.  This does nothing but start the affair all over again.

The more of these stories that we are exposed to, the more Linda and I feel that taking a tough stance against the cheater is the appropriate thing to do.  Not necessarily in all cases, but certainly a large percentage of them.

It’s quite shocking at times to hear the behavior that cheaters stoop to while in the “affair fog,” and yet many betrayed spouses put up with it out of love, commitment and fear of rocking the boat.

Hell, I did some of the same crap to Linda three years ago and I know that if she would have taken a harder line with me from the get go, the fog would have lifted and I would have got my head out of my ass much faster.

The Affair Addiction

Dr. Willard Harley, author of “Surviving an Affair” (which we highly recommend) states the following:

“My experience helping couples recover from infidelity has taught me that any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation. Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair. Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction). But even in the very few cases when an affair is not an addiction, total separation of the spouse and lover is a necessary act of consideration for the feelings of the betrayed spouse. It’s the very least a wayward spouse can do to compensate for the suffering caused by the affair. Continued contact with a lover simply perpetuates the suffering of the betrayed spouse indefinitely.

It’s been my experience that without total separation, mutual love cannot be restored, resentment cannot be overcome and protection from the threat of another affair cannot be guaranteed. So when I counsel couples who want to reconcile after an affair, I insist on total separation of the unfaithful spouse and the lover with extraordinary precautions to guarantee that they never see or talk to each other again.”

Lorna Hochstein, Ph.D. describes a love addict as someone…

“…who substitutes an unhealthy and mood altering relationship with a process (i.e. relationship) for a healthy, life giving relationship with another person. An addict is a person who puts this unhealthy relationship at center of her life. This relationship with a mood altering process is an addiction. My own rule of thumb is that a person is addicted to a relationship if being in that relationship had clear negative effects on her life and she continues in the relationship regardless of the effects.”

Sound familiar?

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous has a 40-question self-diagnosis aimed at possible sex and love addition.  You might want to have your spouse take the test (or take it yourself if you are the cheater).  Some of the questions included are the following:

• Do you feel that your life would have no meaning without a love relationship?

• Do you find yourself in a relationship you cannot end?

• Do you ever find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

• Have you ever tried to control how often you would see someone?

• Do you feel your love life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

• Do you find you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

Treating Affair Addiction

When I think of treating an addiction, I think of 12-step programs.  So I did some Googling and found that there are 12-step programs for every addiction imaginable and they are all based around the 12-steps that were originally introduced in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism in 1939.

As summarized by the American Psychological Association, the process involves the following:

• admitting that one cannot control one’s addiction or compulsion

• recognizing a higher power that can give strength

• examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member)

• making amends for these errors

• learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior

• helping others who suffer from the same addictions or compulsions

You can find the original Alcoholics Anonymous 12-steps here.  I personally like a more updated version that I found a little better, and you can download a PDF version to read or show to your spouse if you wish.  Hopefully you can find these beneficial in your own circumstances.

In treating an addiction, I think that it is also helpful to understand the cheater’s process for getting into and out of their affair in the first place.  In the book “Torn Asunder,” author Dave Carder provides us with the following four infidelity phases:

• Growing mutual attraction

• Emotional and sexual entanglement

• Destabilization of the affair

• Disclosure and resolution

For a detailed explanation of these phases click here.

Linda wrote a post about these phases and how I acted. You can read it by clicking here.

Click here for a post that talks about how to get them to end their affair.

The phase that I find most interesting and might be the cause for cheaters to have such a hard time letting go of their “drug of choice” – the affair partner – is the destabilization phase.   I have a feeling that most affairs are discovered during this phase which might contribute to the on-going thoughts, feelings and potential contacting of the affair partner.

During the destabilization stage, the fear of being caught fuels the urgency to get out of the affair. Though on the outside the affair looks like it may fall apart, in reality it is being stabilized.

Carder explains that one partner may call it off, and after some time will call to see how the other is doing and immediately the affair starts up again. This on again – off again pattern makes the affair almost impossible to end on its own.  The separation/togetherness cycle actually intensifies the feelings and guarantees that the affair will not end.  The longer the process goes on, the more powerful the attachment becomes.  They begin to need each other to medicate” the fear, emptiness and new irrational “reality” they now both live in.

Obviously then, this stage can be quite powerful.  If the affair is discovered and quickly ended during this stage, it can be quite difficult for the cheater to suddenly abandon his/her emotional bind (the addiction) with the other person.

If you have ever watched the TV show “Intervention,” then you know that an addict’s behavior affects other people to the point where they just can’t take it anymore and these other people need to step in and try to convince the addict to get help.  There is almost always denial on the addict’s part and most of the time they won’t agree at first to seek help.  But when the other people communicate the consequences to the addict if they refuse help, then the addict almost always agrees to go to rehab.  Sometimes rehab works and sometimes it doesn’t.  Surviving an affair can be much the same way.

After writing this (to me anyways), it seems like I’m all over the place with this post.  If that is the case, I apologize, but I wanted to firstly, give you  some information and resources about affair addiction.  Secondly, I wanted to try and get across my opinion that it’s okay for you to say that you’re just not going to take it anymore.  You don’t deserve to go through the emotional and physical hell while your spouse continues to “get high.”  And quite frankly, you might be to the point where you don’t have anything else to lose anyways.

To end, let me quote from “Surviving an Affair:”

“You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover (over the betrayed spouse), there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that’s not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will.”

Related posts:

1. Open Discussion: Is Marital Infidelity an Addiction?
2. Marital Infidelity—an Addiction
3. Overcoming Sexual Addiction – Is it Worth the Fight?
4. Put an End to Mistrust After the Affair
5. Don’t Lose Your Self Concept

Don’t Put Up With the Affair Addiction Anymore