Emotional Abuse and Your Faith

Is my husband giving me the silent treatment?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:03:20 PST

I was on a faith board recently, and I read a note from wife. It was short and sweet with not much information to go on. She was wondering if what she was experiencing was the silent treatment from her spouse. Here is a summary of what was said, but not word for word:

Communication is impossible for my Husband to have with me. It's been 12 years, and he has yet to have a conversation with me that is on any kind of adult level. He will not talk most of the time, even to our children. We went to therapy, and he literally could not give an answer to any question. The silence was deafening. Finally, after many visits I was told to lower my expectations, and I would not be disappointed anymore. I don't know how much more hurt I can handle. This is not healthy for my children and me. Does God want me to continue on letting him treat us this way?

When I think of the silent treatment it comes to a form of emotional abuse its normally a tool they use to hurt someone. The silent treatment is a childish way of abusing a person, and in most cases I would tell you to just do life as if they were not in the room. (yes I have done that) I realize that is easier said than done, and in some cases that does ignore the fear factor. In other words, you are waiting for the bomb to drop. You tend to walk on eggshells during this period, and its one of the most hurtful and scary things. You just know when they finally DO SPEAK all hell will break loose.

There is one thing that I have noticed with human nature within the Christian realm especially, and that is to assume that the woman is just expecting to much. There were statements like, "Are you sure he literally isn't saying word?" Opinions of how he could be he is just a quiet person, and you just don't want to look for those non verbal clues.

Another person took the word silent treatment, and basically placed out there the true reality of what a silent treatment really is. It was a form of manipulation, and he may need a personal therapy for himself. That poster was attacked by the others, and they made comments like where did the poster get their analysis from such a short picture?

Its strange how people don't ask themselves those questions after making statements of how this poster WAS making a mountain out of a molehill basically themselves. They continued their analysis of the post, and made comments like it could be she enjoyed the 'strong and silent' type prior to marriage, and now she just resents that part of him now. How she just wanted to change him after they were married, and now is ticked off because she can't.

The woman finally came back, and told this awful story about experiences of child abuse in regards to her husband. How this abuse had carried on to adulthood, and how he promised her he would never be like this to his family. She spoke of a situation when she was changing their child's diaper, and her mother in law was screaming at him in the other room. She was screaming in their own language to make sure the wife couldn't understand, and was hitting her husband as well. His mother literally drew blood from her son, and as you can imagine his wife as shocked, stunned, etc. The mother in law was told the police would be called the next time this happened, and her husband told his mother that his wife mentioned she would do this personally.

One of the posters commented about this conversation to the woman. How her husband SPOKE TO HER during this time, and as she can see there was no silent treatment. I have to wonder at times what people are thinking, because this circumstance had happened years ago. Then she goes on to say that maybe its a cultural thing, and you are just wanting him to assimilate to the present culture.

I seriously have to wonder WHY people search for things to basically explain things away, and why they can't see that there is no common sense attached for their statements. I mean he spoke to her once years ago, and so there is no silent treatment? Its a cultural thing to explain it away, and hints that maybe you can't respect that aspect? I mean seriously HUH??

If I were to guess this poor man shuts his mouth, and feels he doesn't have anything to say because in the past due to the child abuse - he was always wrong. His silence could be a self protection due to him never dealing with the cruelty of the past. He doesn't feel safe saying anything, and so he doesn't say anything at all. Its not his wife's fault, and I'm NOT saying its his fault either. Its baggage from the past, and he doesn't have the tools personally to step out into his new reality.

I have always struggled with showing my feelings due to neglect and abuse myself. I can relate to NOT wishing to say much, because you just KNOW you will be attacked for it. Does that mean his wife would? No. In my head I knew a lot of people that surrounded me in my life never would do such a thing, but that fear of how it could possibly happen because I learned people WILL do it due to my past? That is a real fear, and a reality for people. People fear disagreements. People fear voicing things that may be viewed differently from others. I guess some just can't understand how strong those mental chains of abuse can truly be.

I look back at the past I see a girl with a very low view of her worth. I see a girl that wanted to have her own opinions and views of things, but knew people would tell me I'm stupid if I voiced them. It never dawned on me that I was seeing things very clear as I was told I was making something out of nothing. It was an atmosphere that you had better agree if you want to have life the easy way, because we can make it hard if you don't. I had so much fear inside of me I honestly thought it was normal.

When the world told me I must have handled something wrong, and that is WHY my world was falling apart around me? I believed them. I shallowed the fact that if I just learned how to walk away, and realize WORDS can't hurt me, because even the worse of the emotional abuse and verbal abuse wouldn't have whipped me so badly if I didn't the way it should be handled? I don't know how to respond properly, and so that is why its happening to me. I'm not giving it to God correctly, and I have no clue what it means to leave it at the foot of the cross.

There are those that truly don't see abuse for what it is, and understand the effects that abuse can have on someone's life. If this husband is anything like I was in the past its fear, and not a silent treatment. He is afraid to open his mouth, and even though you wish to trust? You just don't have the tools to do so, because you were never shown how. You fear life, because you know how badly it hurts. You never truly experienced the GOOD parts the way most can, because that fear holds you back from being able to truly let go and allow yourself that joy. Its a mental chain, and if you can't acknowledge it you can't find a way to move past it. Its an internal bondage that you can't release yourself from, because you don't know how. You just know someone will hurt you so badly if you do. That fear is very strong, and for the most part I think people underestimate it.

I remember years ago reading on abuse forums online as I was finally learning the truth. I remember feeling so much envy for those people that allowed themselves to cry. Yes I did say ENVY! My fear within me wouldn't even allow myself to cry, because the tears would fill me up with shame. I would read these statements from the men of faith using the excuse that women are 'emotional', and hinting to the fact that is part of the reason the men needed to lead. You can't lead with to much emotion, because emotions can drive you in the wrong direction. I had a hard time using any emotion at all. I detached myself from life so far that I didn't even know how to be happy, sad or anything in the middle. I just was. I will say those statements from men of faith did make me giggle, because I could see alot of emotion as they were trying to get their points across.

I think I hid in some fashion, because I knew deep down I couldn't fit into this box that others were telling us we needed to live within. You need to show grace towards others as God gives grace towards us. I don't think I truly understood that statement, because I couldn't see this grace in them that they spoke of. Due to my past I just felt I must be missing something, and WOW I'm worse off than I thought! It never dawned on me that they weren't giving that grace towards others, and that is why I couldn't see it.

They have this formula that if you acknowledge something like domestic violence within the home? You aren't capable of seeing any GOOD points towards your abuser. All your doing is making your case against them with all your bags of evidence! YOU aren't loving them as Christ asks us to love others! YOU are in sin with your anger, and don't you know that the bible says you can have that anger as LONG as you don't sin? We all know that the world has this attitude of ME ME ME, and I'm sure you didn't honor your spouse and serve him as the bible states you should!

I could see good points about the abuser, but I didn't have enough of them or I would feel better about him. I loved the abuser otherwise I wouldn't have married him. Love isn't a feeling - it an action and you haven't done that. My anger? WELL they could always find something if they dug deep enough that I didn't do perfectly, and they used that to rub my nose in it. People always respond to a loving nature that serves others, and you just let your selfish nature not show enough towards your spouse - what do you expect? His response was sinful YES, but LOOK at all those things you did to provoke him.

Its like the grace got lost along the way. You know what you do when people can't acknowledge your hurt eventually? You shut up, and don't say anything. They aren't safe either. When you don't have a safe place to feel, acknowledge and deal with the hurt? You tend to stuff it, internalize it, and not deal with it at all.

I look at this man that was spoken about? Do we have the tools to truly see what is behind this silent treatment? The beating this wife spoke about from his mother? That threw up red flags for me! It may seem like a silent treatment to his wife that doesn't understand the damage of abuse, and if you look at the people's responses? She won't see it either, because she is told the silence is her fault - because its not really there. Its not her fault. Its not his fault either. Its something that needs to be addressed so they can move forward and heal. You can't do that if you don't acknowledge it.

I doubt his silence was meant to hurt her the way she is feeling it. I didn't even realize myself years ago that I was seen as distance towards others, because I didn't have the tools at the time. I asked this women to research the effects of child abuse in adulthood. I asked if he would be open to individual therapy to help work past his hurts. There was hope that both could move past this if addressed.

Where did the others go with this new information?

Have you both made sure that there is absolutely no contact with this evil woman? She needs to be completely out of your lives for good.

You know why things fall apart the way they do at times? It seems most people can't even grasp the conversation at hand! Could it be the counsel that most get is PART of the reason the relationships all around us are falling part? I just pray this man gets the help he needs, and she realizes this isn't a silent treatment - its his hurt. People need to deal with the situation, and not conversation jump like you see so often. Sigh. Why do people divert like that, and just NOT deal with reality? I mean they tell us we are the ISSUE? Yikes! No wonder the world is screwed up so badly.

Interesting Domestic Violence Links for the Week

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:20:12 PST

I put together a couple of interesting links about domestic violence within the church, biblical roles of women, found a amazing public service announcement for violence within the home, and also an author's message on steps to healing. I hope you enjoy the lists of link.

copyranter has an article about an 'interactive domestic violence' poster that has been placed in a German bus station. I believe they changed the words to English for the advertisement purposes.

An eye tracking camera was installed in the board, so that when you looked directly at the domestic violence, after a delay, the scene morphed into spousal harmony.

What areas do you believe that Baptist General Convention of Virginia needs to address?
I don't know who placed the poll online, but one of the choices is domestic violence. Here is your opportunity to vote, and let someone know that you would like to hear the church address this issue.

A Different Drummer wrote an article called, In Remembrance of Bat-Jiftah: a reflection on domestic violence.

Music starts to play once you get the website, and if you need to you can turn it off right away. Its directly on the top. I wanted to mention that, because at times when I got onto a site that music starts I at times get startled.

If you read the title of this article you may be wondering, "Who is Bat-jiftah?" I've never seen her name in the Bible. In reality there is no one by that name in the Bible. I use this name to identify an anonymous person (1). She is a victim of domestic violence, as well as anonymity. We may know the name of Nicole Brown Simpson only because her batterer was a celebrity. But, the victim in our text goes unnamed, like the women abused every fifteen seconds, the more than 4,000 women killed annually by domestic violence, or the estimated 2 to 4 million women physically abused each year. They have become mere statistics to be recited; nameless persons, victims of domestic violence. So, I give this victim a name. Bat-Jiftah in Hebrew would be translated "daughter of Jephthah." By giving her a name and remembering her story we may help to break the silence of abuse. And by remembering the unnamed victims of abuse today we may move toward their healing.

A Time to Think talks about overcoming your past:

After years of counseling others, I am convinced that most personal problems have strong connections with what I call the eighteen-year factor. This is the amount of time lived in one’s family of origin. These are defining years when we learn and experience many things that we carry with us for life.

If you grew up in a functionally healthy home, you received a gift that is increasingly rare. But if your eighteen-year factor was disrupted by a significant negative experience, it could adversely affect your security, identity and future relationships. Traumatic experiences like loss of a parent or sibling, the divorce of your parents or sexual abuse, are life altering. And families plagued with severe dysfunctions are especially damaging to children. If you lived under an alcoholic parent or in an atmosphere of physical or emotional abuse, or with significant neglect of nurture and discipline, your life has been deeply affected—usually beyond what you realize.

Women in Ministry wrote an article this week about Church led by woman pastor is forced out of the Georgia Baptist Convention .

The policy that declared the First Baptist Church in Decatur as officially disfellowshipped, resulted from a strict enforcement of the 2000 Baptist Faith & Message (BFM 2000) which made the issues of women pastors as a cause for dividing the church. No longer is there room for personal conscience as far as women leaders in the church. Wade Burleson writes that it is dangerous thinking to make the Baptist Faith Message tier 1 primary doctrine so that “if a Southern Baptist expresses any disagreement with any portion of the BFM 2000, he is not a true Southern Baptist and is not worthy of leadership in the SBC. “

Annulment catholic church and Domestic Violence

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:27:00 PST

I came across an article called, 'A new theology of divorce'. Mike Sweitzer-Beckman is the author, and he was speaking about he was one of the statistics when it comes to children of divorce. He isn't one of those that seemed all that harmed by it as he speaks of his parents, and later their new marriages and his new step siblings.

He spoke of a number of different circumstances of annulment that people he knew from the Catholic church had gone though personally. I'm not Catholic myself, but I have heard about the process a number of times from people I know. I wanted to point this article out, because it seems one of my most popular articles on this blog from the past was Marriage Annulment Grounds in the Catholic Church.

There was a lady in my Domestic Violence group that was seeking an annulment due to the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, among other things that torn the marriage to pieces. I will never forget her husband for one reason! He delayed the divorce in court over wanting joint custody of their dog. Can you believe that? She offered him the dog, but he wouldn't take it. It could cost a fortune to continue to fight about this, and believe or not she walked the dog down the driveway twice a week for pickup and delivery. Her adult children pleaded with him to just TAKE him (the dog), because the arrangement was just silly! It was his way of making sure he could keep control of something. I remember one of the last things I told her was to give the dog away, and just tell him he got loose and he was lost. That would place an end to the visitation of the dog. I don't know if she did that or not, and I figure even her adult children would have agreed the plan. They also knew Dad was just trying to keep contact. Abusers are strange people on top of pure cruel at times!

She seemed to truly get a sense of healing from the annulment process, and I guess it was like a endorsement of sorts that the marriage was indeed over even in the eyes of the church. I can see where that is pretty BIG for people don't you?

The author spoke of one women that dealt with domestic violence, and I guess the process was just to much for her. I can't understand that as well:

The bishops' approach to dealing with divorced couples is disheartening. I have a friend whose mom was married in the church, endured years of domestic violence, and got divorced. She is now remarried and happy. Would God have wanted her to stay in that first marriage, continue to endure abuse, and not find happiness in another unitive, procreative relationship where she and others involved could more fully feel God's love? She attempted to file for annulment of the first marriage, but it meant having to recount all the times she was abused in order to complete the paperwork. It wasn't worth it. It's not that she's not committed to the church -- she still attends daily Mass and doesn't participate in the Eucharist. She's continued to play by the rules. I'm sure she'll approach the pearly gates, and God will forgive her for not filling out some paperwork -- and I imagine if God doesn't forgive her, it will be because she never sinned in the first place for getting out of this marriage and finding one where she could live God's call.

The last story he spoke about was of a man that divorced over adultery, and years later he and his xwife agreed to do the annulment process. It wasn't approved, but it seemed he did get the healing he was after just doing the annulment process anyway.

In another case, a friend of mine got married in his 20s, and after about five years, his wife became unfaithful. It was a devastating blow to their marriage, and they both agreed that they were better off going their separate ways. She wanted to be with another man, and he never wanted this experience in marriage. Over a decade later, while earning his Masters of Divinity degree with hopes of working at a Catholic church doing youth ministry, he met a new love of his life. He attempted to get the first marriage annulled. His first wife was happy to participate in the process of filling out a lot of paperwork (and writing checks for filing fees of several hundred dollars). He respected the church's process at the time, and it helped him to more deeply analyze his first marriage. The local tribunal rejected the filing, saying that he didn't fully prove that love never existed in the marriage (anyone who gets married to someone they love can tell you that you can't disprove that at a later date -- you have to go with what you know at that time). The tribunal told him that he could always appeal the process -- and pay hundreds of dollars more -- but he figured out what he needed to from this process. He is now happily remarried outside the church, raising a kid, and working at a Catholic church as a youth minister. However, he will probably never fully participate in Church life again -- until, I imagine, when he passes on, and God deals with him appropriately (or doesn't deal with him at all since it's possible he made no mistakes in God's eyes).

I doubt annulments will become part of any church culture outside the Catholic Church. It does seem to give people a sense of healing that they do indeed need after a divorce. I don't understand why that isn't truly addressed in a different fashion.

5 reasons domestic violence isn't addressed in church

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:22:35 PST

Houston's Praise 92.1 Radio had an article by Noelle Sewell regarding the top 5 reasons the church doesn't address domestic abuse.

Should we try to add to the list or do you think the list is fine the way it is?

Number one reason is the pastor himself could be the abuser

They themselves maybe or have been perpetrators of domestic violence (Yes I went there). There are pastors who are perpetrators and their deacons, elders and ministry leaders know it but they are afraid to call them on it. Often times the church leaders don’t want to appear to be attacking the pastor, cause disruption in the congregation, being shunned by other members, being removed from their ministry position, being asked to leave the church. Now you should make sure that there is abuse before approaching the pastor. Pray about if you have any doubts because once you make the accusation and it not true it will be difficult to restore the person’s reputation. If you witness it you need to address it with the leadership so both parties involved can be offered assistance. Be prepared to be osterized or removed from a position and/or asked to leave the church if the leadership is not ready to address the issue with the pastor.

Number 2 reason is clergy may have witnessed abuse in the past, and have not dealt with it themselves

They may have experienced seeing a parent abused and not have dealt with it. People who have witnessed abuse of a parent/family member may suppress the experience as a coping skill. Some may feel guilty because they wish they would have and /or could have stopped it. In order to receive healing and peace sometimes we have visit painful experiences. In Jesus there is freedom, healing and deliverance. Enough said!!

Number 3 is that the church can't handling dealing with such a social ill

They are afraid of the reaction of congregation’s reaction. There are still some people who may feel that the church is not a place to address such (social issues). Now correct me if I am wrong didn’t the bible address social issues like rape, incest, adultery, homeless and hunger just to name a few. I guarantee you that at least one person in your congregation has either experienced or witnessed abuse. If the bible addressed such issues why shouldn’t we be able to discuss the same issues in the church? Make sure you are presenting it in a practical biblical way.

Number 4 is money! They could lose some tithes over this. Yikes - that's a nasty though huh?

They are fearful of losing income (tithes and offering). Yes I went there again. I hope I don’t need to explain this. If I do please email me.Okay I should have said at least five.

Number 5 is pure and simple ignorance as to the dynamics or forms of domestic violence of any kind.

They really don’t have a clear understanding of the definition of domestic violence and the forms it could take. I would suggest two wonderful websites; The Black Church and Domestic Violence Institute www.bcdi.org and the Faith Trust Institute www.faithtrustinstitute.org. Both organizations have a lot of resources to offer.If your pastor does not want to address the issue and you feel God is leading you to do that ministry then I suggest you contact the organizations listed above and local organizations in your area. Volunteering with an organization that deals with domestic violence is a good place to start. You may even find someone who can assist you with designing a presentation for your church. Talk to women who have been victims (and we all know someone).

I know beside the help the author mentioned I would like to add RAVE. Pastors can educate themselves online, and its a self paced education.

Can you add any reasons for the list that the church doesn't like about addressing domestic violence, emotional abuse, or maybe even verbal abuse? It could be you have another form in mind!

When people don't know what to do? They do nothing!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:58:00 PST

I have been reading about the interview with Rihanna that Good Morning America did with Diane Sawyer. I haven't seen the interview, but from what I have taken from clips and quotes? She speaks very well of a dynamic of domestic violence that most people hear about, but you don't truly see represented within the church. Nor do most people even recognize as part of the dynamics of the relationship even within the secular world.

Rihanna also dealt deftly with the elephant in the room: why she initially went back to Brown after the beating.

"It's pretty natural for that to be the first reaction . . . to go back and start lying to yourself," she told Sawyer. Her love for Brown certainly factored in. "I fell in love with that person . . . so far in love, so unconditional, that I went back." When Sawyer said abused women go back, on average, seven times before they leave, Rihanna corrected her, saying it was typically eight or nine times.

Chances are when women go to their pastors or the church they have already done the 'go back home and submit harder'. Matter of fact they have done the 'hit and hug' dance many times in different ways. Most people think when I say HIT its physical, but anyone that has been in an abusive relationship (man, woman or child) knows the controlling behavior, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse were very heavy smacks as well.

When it first happens you are stunned, and 'hug' part of the dance gives you hope that this isn't going to be a regular part of the relationship. You slowly start to break down when you realize it will be part of the relationship as you master your new skill of walking on eggshells as part of your unconditional love towards them. Your show your honor by apologizing, and allowing the controlling behavior because its something they 'need'.

...a visibly emotional Rihanna explains to Diane Sawyer her thoughts and feelings about the assault, saying that she is "embarrassed" to have loved someone like Chris Brown.

I realize some would take that as an attack on Chris Brown, and if I were guessing Chris Brown most certainly would. In all the defensiveness they completely miss the peephole into her world. That could be one of the reasons why the world has no clue as to HOW to deal with an abusive relationship.

She mentions a portion of the shame that victims do feel, and when in church you are reminded of the unconditional love due to the unbreakable covenant of marriage.

When people concentrate so much on, "How could you NOT see it before you married them?" I guess they don't realize they have added to the shame they are already dealing with, and because of the dynamic of relationship? They fall deeper into the hole, and fills it up with more shame. They realize these people are basically calling them 'stupid' just like their abuser does.

People will say that is NOT what I meant! For those that seem to make intelligent and smart choices for their life compared to you? You certainly realize very quickly they aren't as safe as they claim to be. To deal with them means more shame, and someone else to bow down to before getting help. Why? They don't understand the abusive relationship. They may not have meant the victim was stupid with their choices of spouse, but when dealing with someone that is scared and is trying to hold things together the best they can? That is what they hear.

I remember a lady from my own domestic violence group that was dealing with an aspect that many are truly offended by, and that is the outright anger and rage that a victim feels after they come out the fog. I will make a up a name for her, and call her Laura today. Laura had been married for over 25 years, and most of those years had been marked with very violent physical abuse. When you hear her story she mentions numerous times in which she reached out for help. In the past you truly didn't deal with domestic violence like you do today, and in the past? She was turned away because her husband wouldn't cooperate. Its hard to believe today isn't it?

When people don't know what to do they tend to do nothing. We see the blaming of the victim very often, and that is just another sign of this.

(I want to mention to those struggling now to keep what I just said in mind! It doesn't make things better, but it does give you an answer as to WHY! Its not justified, but it is reality. Look at human nature in history, and you will see people doing nothing when they don't know what to do with all kinds of situations.)

Laura came to group one day a bit bewildered. At this point she was separated from her husband, and was struggling just to keep her head above water. He had abandon them, and taken all the sources of income, etc. I remember she and her children had the utilities turned off, no phone, no money and no food. He made sure he turned off all these things before he left, and removed her access to any martial funds completely. At this point she was just starting to put services together, and finding another job, and learning how to deal with the pain of her children.

That day she mentioned she had a visitor at her door. It was a neighbor that had once lived next door to them. The gentleman came to her at the request of his wife whom had recently passed away. He wasn't there to inform her of his wife's death, but to pass along a message from his wife to her.

It was a message of apology, because they both knew she was being beaten and abused. She also knew she had done nothing to reach out and help her. She would see her in the backyard gardening with bruises covering her body, and would hear the violence next door. The whole neighborhood knew, and the police were called a number of times. No one would speak with this family on any real level, and they were left to themselves because no one knew what to do about it. In truth I do believe that is why domestic violence continues so often. It is because no one knows what to do about it. Knowing its wrong is one thing, but having the knowledge to learn to deal with it? That is completely different.

It seems the guilt of all of this was laying very heavy on this woman before she died. She had her husband promise that he would seek her out, and apologize for her to Laura. It seems it wasn't something small or a passing thought for this woman as the husband spoke of this with her. I think the guilt was also within him as well at the time. He handed her some money, and gave her his number. He told her he wanted to help where he could, and all she had to do was ask. Laura said God sent this man to her, and this money was badly needed at the time. I don't think she ever called the man for help. Shame was also a factor in that decision, and also I'm sure doubt that he could truly do anything was in Laura's heart as well. You can't blame her if you look at the history.

Laura was dealing with a bit rage within her once she got out. Its strange to watch such a small woman, and be almost intimidated by her. She was mad at the world for knowing, and not doing a darn thing to help. She was mad at the excuses they handed her, and also the hurtful comments and advice she received. She was mad that her children were suffering, and that she had nothing to turn on the utilities with for example. She was mad that her husband that was hiding from them, and had hidden the family funds in such a way that left them destitute. She was mad that the threats had not stopped, and that his family was stepping up to make things even harder. She was mad at the world for all kinds of things, and her rage towards almost anyone even in group was recognized by us all.

For the first time in her life for YEARS she was allowed to feel things that she had to stuff in the past. I think at first we all felt she just needed to get it out, and we gave her a little leeway at times. We wouldn't let her go wild with those expressions of rage, but if you looked around the room? Some participates were afraid of her. They were dealing with this own messes, but beyond the fear they were impressed with her 'I will NOT put up with it ANYMORE!' attitude.

I remember one day another woman came to our group very sick, and she needed to go to the doctor. She lived near by the group location, and had no way to get there. She also had no one to watch the children if she did go. It was more fear of if she had to stay in the hospital that meant her children were going to have to stay with her molesting soon to be x husband. The church stepped back from to much help because her husband's family were pretty powerful, and her own mother lived in her selfish little world and didn't wish to bothered.

Laura not only took her to the hospital for help, but got on the phone and shamed her mother into doing what was right. She reminded her that this was her child and her grandchildren. She reminded her that she was retired, and it wouldn't kill her to help in this awful time of need instead going to card game that day. She made the woman feel so badly she did indeed stay for almost a week. Why? A hospital stay was needed, recovery time, and the threat of Laura coming to stay if she didn't do what was right.

I realize her approach to some would look at like she had taken on some of the abusive traits of her marriage in the past. Heck I would even agree with that if you saw HOW she handled some of the situations that day. What surprises me is how people can't realize that was the only way of dealing with life that was available for her for YEARS. She didn't push it as far as the abuser, but it was IN YOUR FACE type of approach none the less. Why it surprises people that she repeats the pattern of behavior that she lived with for over 20 years? Laura did learn to deal with life better in time, but I think part of that rage she needed to get out - and it helped her move pass some of the pain.

The domestic violence shelter removed her from our group one day once they realized that she needed more one on one care, and it truly wasn't a good idea to have her in a group with other abused parties.

I was talking in group about how I was taking a trip to meet some people I knew for years from a domestic violence online support group. My group had heard about them forever, but Laura was new to our domestic abuse group at the time. They were excited for me regarding this camping trip, and actually getting to meet people I had dealt with for years at that point. Laura got mad at me, and then started to push for answers like, "What you are the ONLY one that can GO?" She was telling me how dumb it is to go to a camping site with strangers, and if it was for domestic violence then SHE wanted to GO! She just kept pushing me harder and harder. YES it was irrational, and I just kept my behavior calm and stood my ground. I knew she had no way of getting there, and I told her if she wanted to come - then DO IT!

At that point she was removed from the group, and by the next time we met? We were told that she wasn't coming back. I guess the verbal attack on me was the last straw, and they had attempted to speak to her a couple of times about her approach of others. She was now getting a separate type of help to address this behavior. I was glad she was getting help, and they didn't throw her out completely.

I found out that at times victims do struggle in this area, but they also have a better chance of working past it. If you can get people to own it, and want to change it? It can happen. Laura did get the help she needed, and I think within a year or so she had worked pass that phrase in her life. A friend of mine from that group from years ago I'm still friends with? She was out at a business lunch, and ran into Laura. Laura asked her to apologize for her, and handed my friend her phone number so I could call so she could do that personally. She humbly realized she was completely offensive, defensive, and behaved badly. It sounds like her life has indeed moved passed the anger stage. I think for some people? Its part of the path to healing, and I think I have spoken of my own anger stage I dealt with as well.

If people had just blown us off, and told themselves that the chances are in our relationship with our spouses we were both abusive anyway? If they use the 'anger' stage as you see others do? Its another roadblock towards the healing that people do indeed need. It also shows they don't understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship. Some - not all - deal with fallout of those relationships like Laura and I did. It happens, and I'm glad we found people that helped us grow past it. They didn't tell us we were abusive, but saw our behavior for what it was, and the reasons why. If you look at those that have been hurt badly - and YES at times that even includes abusers when they will admit it - the almost contempt for the world phase does happen to some. When I dealt with it at the time it wasn't as bad as Laura, but that truly doesn't mean squat. I mean we all deal with things differently. This is hardly a competition or comparison. We are custom beings just as God made us.

When I was surfing the internet about the stories of Rihanna recently? I saw alot of really mean comments. Why did she wait until now? Strange how she is coming out with her new record, and NOW she wants to talk! In the Larry King interview Chris Brown wouldn't speak about the dynamics of the relationship out of respect for Rihanna. I wonder if they noticed he decided to do an interview about that period on the VERY same day as Rihanna?

When people don't know what to do with domestic violence? When people don't know how to handle domestic violence when it happens? They tend to do nothing, but they sure like to blame, make accusations, excuses and the rest don't they? It seems to me education needs to be more than a list of behaviors from the abuser, and how to deal with and what to look for in the aftermath would be smart. I wonder how many people will take advantage of that peephole that Rihanna is showing to others about living with domestic abuse? I pray that church does as well even if it is secular! They dynamics of the relationship is there, and gender, race or any other excuse doesn't mean a hill of beans. Its there and I think most of the time? People suffer because the world doesn't know what to do with us, and they basically? DO NOTHING over all!

Stop Wounding Me With Your Mouth

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:20:00 PST

I came across an article in The Herald out of Ohio.

Program targets domestic violence Women receive advice, support

By Patrick Cooley
Herald Staff Writer

SHARON —

A dozen women watched as images of women, abused and beaten by their husbands and boyfriends, came across a computer screen at the center of New Life Covenant Church in Sharon on Saturday morning.

Many said the images were hard to watch, and a few were brought to tears.

“Looking at those videos, it brought back a lot of memories,” said Laura, a Farrell woman who asked that her last name not be used. “It was hard to watch, but I think it was something that I needed (to watch).”

Laura, who was a victim of an abusive relationship for five years and stays at the ARC House in Farrell, was among those attending “Stop Wounding Me With Your Mouth,” a program that dealt with domestic abuse, specifically how verbal abuse can be hurtful and escalate into physical abuse.

Each of several speakers urged women to remove themselves from abusive relationships and to reach out to the victims to let them know there are resources to help them.

“I need you to be muscular Christians,” said Lizette Olsen, the director of AWARE, a domestic violence advocacy agency.

She said a survey by the Mercer County court system in 2009 showed that more than 4,800 families in the county had been affected by domestic violence.

“You might ask, ‘Why don’t some of these women just leave?’ ” Ms. Olsen said. “For some of them, this is all they’ve ever known.”

She said that many women come from a culture where they are told this is acceptable behavior, and where they are repeatedly told to keep family matters within the family.

“Shame is a powerful motivator,” Ms. Olsen said.

She also spoke about systematic ways women are degraded.

“It’s not just the under-educated,” Ms. Olsen said. “I’ve had women who are doctors, lawyers and pharmacists who don’t know how much money they make because whenever they get money, they have to hand it over to their husbands, because he tells them they’re a woman and too stupid to handle money.

“One of the most empowering things we can do is take them to the bank to start their own checking or savings account,” she said. “Some of the women are shaking because they’re so scared, they think their husband might know they’re there.”

Ms. Olsen said many men will use the threat of violence as a method of control over their spouses and girlfriends.

Another speaker was Malinda Gavins, who is on the board of directors of the Ohio Domestic Violence Network and State Coalition for Domestic Violence Programs.

When you talk to a domestic violence victim they will tell you they heal from (physical wounds) much more easily than the emotional wounds,” she said. “Those are the wounds the courts don’t want to deal with.”

Ms. Gavins said the youngest victim she’s seen was a teenager whose mother sold her into marriage, and the oldest victim she’s seen was an 82-year-old woman.

“She said the first time her husband beat her, she called her mother and her mother said, ‘Welcome to marriage,’ ” Ms. Gavins said.

She said that making degrading statements about women is something that has become commonplace in the culture and especially in genres of music, and urged parents to talk to their children, boys and girls, at an early age.

“They’re already hearing the music,” Ms. Gavins said.

The Rev. Patricia Tatum, pastor of New Life Covenant, said it is part of the church’s mission to reach out to victims of domestic violence. She said the church will be having classes for victims and anyone interested in attending should call 724-494-8735.

Emotional Abuse and Your Faith has a NEW look!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:44:43 PST

The last couple of weeks I have been working on this new template for Emotional Abuse and Your Faith.

I would like to thank My Blogger Tricks.com for their help, and wonderful skill to help fellow bloggers with their own blogs.

I have been posting alot of lists lately, and I was basically starting new references for my home page. I believe I'm pretty much done with that for now. I just have a couple of pages left, and I SHOULD be done!.

I would love to hear what you think!

YOU can only change YOURSELF, but is that what they are really saying?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:29:32 PST

IBelieve.com or some people use crosswalk.com recently had one of their Administrator's post an article in the marriage section. The article was called, "Domestic Violence within the Church: The Ugly Truth". The article speaks of what most Christians would feel is a myth about domestic violence within the church walls.

A portion of the article read:

George sites a survey in which nearly 6,000 pastors were asked how they would counsel women who came to them for help with domestic violence. Twenty-six percent would counsel them the same way Marleen's pastor did: to continue to "submit" to her husband, no matter what. Twenty-five percent told wives the abuse was their own fault—for failing to submit in the first place. Astonishingly, 50 percent said women should be willing to "tolerate some level of violence" because it is better than divorce.

To say that some were stunned by the results is understatement. I can't blame them, because to be honest I would have felt the same way years ago. If I had NOT experienced this myself I doubt very much I would have believed such a statement. If you think about it WHERE is the common sense behind the advice that so many pastors do indeed give?

For myself, that was one of the contradictions within the church during my early days that made me so confused. They would tell me, "You can't change a person, because can only change yourself."

I do believe that statement, but the results from the survey that was presented show their actual beliefs go in the opposite direction. Why? When you tell others to permit themselves to be abused or submit more, because it maybe something you did to cause the abuse? It states I can indeed change the other person with my behavior.

'If I submit more I would not be abused?'

They can tell you that is NOT what they meant, but if you look at it clearly? THEY ARE SAYING JUST THAT!

The church states the world refuses to take responsibility for their own actions, and yet at the same time they are hand them excuses over to use! You can change the fact you were abused by (insert excuses).

Does this counsel ask the abuser to take responsibly for own their actions when tell their partner to act NICER so they don't get abused? No. It tells the abused party since they were not nice they got what they asked for.

Again they will say that ISN'T what we are saying! Their pride is now hurt, and human nature will tend to get in the way at this point. I guess their counsel sounds 'spiritual' to them, but it lacks common sense if you understand the dynamics of the relationship. Do they think they can 'spiritualize' the relationship dynamics or something?

Can you apply the same if your spouse was say a thief? If you submitted more to them maybe they would stop stealing? What if they molest children? What if they like to manipulate and deceive others to get what they want? Is submission to those parties going to guarantee their change? I realize some people will use scripture to say you can change others with your chaste behavior. What if the abuser is a female? I guess the man is out luck huh?

I personally think they have an issue with being told they are wrong. You notice they always seem to get tongue tied when it comes to this issue? They get defensive and state we are trying NOT to listen them on purpose. We bought into feminist theology. lol that's always a hot button phrase huh?

Human nature happens within the church, and I think at times its easier just to stay in their bubble instead. When they look to the world they can speak of all the abuses that are out there, and how sad is the sin of the world. How you need to be careful of evil people! When they look to the family? Someone caused the abuse to happen. Could it be that we have issues with their double standards? I mean sin does happen within the church NO?!

I recently was reading an article about pastoral counseling, and christian counseling. My browser window failed me, and lost the article completely. I was disappointed, because the article I was reading made alot of sense. It speaks about the amount of training that most pastor's get for counseling people. I think we all realize they have to get some, but it clearly isn't enough. How could it be? If you look at professionals that do this for a living? They don't get their certificate for their services after one semester of work. For some reason the church feels I guess that the Holy Spirit will come upon them, and they would be granted this gift of knowledge without the true training. I wonder if they would be quick to say the holy spirit would allow them to do brain surgery as well huh? If you speak with pastors about the training they received? Most of them will tell you they don't get training in domestic violence, or if they do? Its not covered very well.

Now if you look at the survey again does it show us that enough training happens in most cases? No!

If you go to any faith board online, read websites or blogs, or maybe even speak of a person at church ... what do they do most of the time? They tell you to approach the Pastor or Clergy within the church. The clergy are given a burden they clearly are not capable of handling. Its not a cut down either. Its reality.

Those with no true training in alot of areas, or lets just say NOT ENOUGH are asked to counsel on issues they don't know enough about! People rely on clergy to help families in trouble, and they just plain don't have the capacity to do so. We all may have gifts when it comes to certain areas, but most people in everyday life would struggle with what to do about emotional abuse and verbal abuse for example. If you read people's comments about the 'lists' you find online about the traits of domestic violence they don't even understand them. When you get remarks about screaming on the list you get statements like: "I yelled at my child yesterday before they placed their hand on the stove. Are you saying NOW I'm abusive for doing so?"

I doubt very much training for domestic violence is the only area they not received enough help in. You do have clergy that will admit they can't deal with certain situations, and have resources for those they feel can help. Then you have pastors like John Piper that actually speak about abuse within the home, and state how they should take verbal abuse for a season or a smack one night. When I look at how clueless these people are ...sigh! They don't even realize they are NOT the safest party to go to for HELP! The message the church sadly does encourage.

Here are some comments about the article itself:

I have found a huge lack of help in the counseling area at church. The counselors have no personal experience in the area or they are just lay people willing to listen. Giving someone bad advice like "just go home a be subservient to your husband" is something I've been told, too. I wish the body of Christ and churches would get real and realize that sin still occurs within the church even though we are Christians. We don't like to admit it but we are all still plagued with this ugly thing called sin. Just because you become a Christian doesn't mean you are cured of all of your sin. Not dealing with it and throwing scripture and a bunch of rules at people without helping them in a more tangible way is basically doing what the Pharisees did in Christ's time.

Do they realize they look like Pharisees? Here is the next comment...

The article doesn't surprise me in the slightest. I've been at CW long enough to see the overwhelmingly disproportionate emphasis on female submission, female servility, quite honestly, in sex, finances, home decisions, everything. If women wear enough baggy clothes, keeps her mouths shut and supports her husband, no matter what he does, then she is right by God.

Not.

and the next...

The article doesn't surprise me either.

America has an entire religious industry of books, political hacks, traveling road shows, heretics, charlatans, seminars, women's groups, bible studies, magazines, pod casts, clothing lines, hairstyles, web sites, DVD sales, flashcards, calendars created for the express submission and control of women.

The escalating level of misogyny supported or tolerated in religious circles is disgusting.

LETS not forget about the biblical roles, and how human nature is regarding some that use this biblical role to corrupt!

And remember, where men hold total power in a church, they are far more likely to emphasis the duty of a woman and the power of being male. Some men will act as servant-leaders, and some will become corrupted by unlimited power, that's just human nature.

Can you imagine if you asked your Pastor to resign?

First, with thinking like that, a lot of these pastors should simple resign. I could not live with all of that blood on my hands if someone followed my advice and died from the result of it. What do I say on judgment day?!

Secondly, this response from 6000 pastors is very alarming. We are not talking a sample of only 100 ministers. 6000 is a very, very large number.

Thirdly, did it ever occur to some of these pastors that perpetrators of spousal abuse are extremely prone to abuse children in many ways?!

I don't think pastors realize in time they may have blood on their hands. They are expected to COUNSEL with little training, and I don't understand why they can't admit that. Its okay! If you feel you need to get more than ASK the church to support you in that area! Do we place clergy in a position that they feel uncomfortable with doing so? I wonder if that is part of it!

I would be extremely suspicious of any pastor I found was given such advice to a battered woman. Maybe he hits his wife too! Why else would he want to protect a known offender and place a woman/family in such danger.

I first heard of this nonsense a while ago when I started to move around the country (U.S.). I was brought up in Pentecostal and Evangelical churches that one would say are very traditional and conservative. Yet I was quite shocked and surprised by this twisted perversion of scripture. My parents had been aware of it but they said they did not know any preacher in the Diocese that thought that way since the 1950's.

This was because something went horribly wrong to a family after a woman took the advice of a preacher and returned with her family to the abusive addict husband's house. Apparently he found out she had talked to the pastor and became extremely angry at the fact that she was "saying bad things about him". He killed his wife and two children (1 and 3) with a butcher knife. The pastor was fired and from that point on domestic abuse was taken more seriously. Too bad a family had to die for change to happen. Based on the results of that survey, it looks like many more will die.

The above poster would be thrown in the 'extreme' pile, and blown off pretty much. If you research abuse enough you will realize her example is the reason they need to educate themselves more, or find appropriate sources of help.

Common sense is always not used, and when you bring that up?

I grew up in the Pentecostal movement. If I was to go to my pastor and use term like "common sense" he'd say that I was being humanistic using my out mind to understand God's word. He'd also say I lacked a circumcised mind and too many Christians use terms like "common sense" when making decisions.

I have noticed when you bring up secular help the church tends to scream about feminism. How they will just talk you into 'breaking up the family'. These places don't 'respect' our beliefs about the 'head' of the family. If you look at their responses can they say THEY do?? It seems to me they don't respect either of them, and at least secular resources will attempt to help.

It is really sad that there are secular groups/ non Christian people who are showing Christ's downtrodden abused children more compassion, love, and mercy than the church is. We really need to think about that. Does it make any sense for these pastors to sit on their self righteous self created islands while nonbelievers are doing the work of the church? Anyone who is okay with that should hang their heads in shame.

If the church would step back, and humble themselves enough to listen to what is being said? They would realize they should hang their heads in shame. The bible indeed speaks about biblical roles, but it also speaks against violence of every type. It speaks about helping the oppressed, and to bring the oppressor to repentance. The survey that was conducted shows clearly that neither party will be brought to healing if submission in the women's case or 'man up' for men doesn't change. These aspects have nothing to do with WHY this happens, and as they mentioned, 'you can't change a person - you can only change yourself'. Changing yourself won't change the party that abuses! They need HELP in that area!

Lack of submission and not being a MAN has nothing to do with WHY they are abused. Lack of knowledge when it comes to counsel towards abused parties is one aspect as to why it continues in some cases. It also shows their arrogance to think being insulting would change anything. The term I have always used for this belief?

Its spiritual pixie dust. Its imaginary help that isn't a reality.

The church is quick to condemn those that don't do as they feel they should to show their 'christian' beliefs, but they never think about the lack of training and spiritual pixie dust to see they could be part of the problem.

If people can figure that out from looking at survey results? If you look at the comments you can see this needs to be reexamined. We need to stop sending people to others with lack of training and knowledge, and then expect them to help bring the prized results. Pastors are quick to mention we must look at all scripture, and not just parts of it. Why then do they do that when it comes to violence within the home?

Abuse, Faith, Divorce and the media!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:30:19 PST

I enjoy reading other blogs, and one of those is Adventure in Mercy. Molly has a wonderful writing style, and gets to the heart the matter in very moving ways.

Last night I went to her site again, and she mentioned that No Longer Quivering is having a Carnival from Nov. 1-4th. This just happens to be another blog I like to read from time to time as well!

The news was pretty exciting!

Beginning Sunday evening, Nov. 1st until we collapse sometime before midnight on Thursday the 5th ~ we’re creating a party-like atmosphere which includes fun & games ~ and even some cool prizes!

Just as soon as we published the dates for our carnival, I got a call asking me to appear on the Joy Behar Show ~ on Tuesday, Nov. 3.

Joy Behar's show is on CNN for those that don't know. If I remember correctly Joy used to be on The View. WELL now I just looked up The View for the website, and I guess she is still on that show as well! Shows you how much television I watch huh? lol!

I was never part of the quivering movement as far as faith, but I have noticed that it really doesn't matter when it comes to abuse within the home and church. Divorce is frowned upon within any type of church, and I hope Joy's show will bring to light how the church tends to ignore domestic violence within the church - no matter what type it is.

Here is a quote from Adventures in Mercy:

The Biblical Patriarchy teachings are so blinding to women in abusive situations, that one common theme in these stories is that the women themselves didn’t know that’s what was going on. How can you? As a dear friend of mine put it recently, it was only after deconstructing complementarianism that she was able to see that her over-twenty-year marriage (of severe physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual abuse) was abusive.

Abusive situations are hard enough as it is, but when you mix God into it and teach women that *God* says they have no rights to personal boundaries, no greater calling than to obey their husband’s will, no power to make decisions about the course of their life unless their husband/head/lord allows them to have it, then, well…

Since then, more contributers have come forward, sharing their own stories on the blog and the forum. Many of them have now left the faith, and, really, who could blame them? When people (like mainstream CBMW leaders) teach that gender roles are part and parcel of the gospel, and that’s what you’ve been taught all your life, um…? Then you really aren’t stretching it to think that you have to leave Jesus in order to escape a destructive marriage.

One commenter on the forum there put it so plainly, explaining that she knew “divorce was a sin,” but living with her abusive husband was no life worth living, so, in the end, she decided to divorce and leave her faith at the same time. Because of the teachings of the Biblical Patriarchy camp, she believed she *had* to leave God if she left her abusive husband…

It sounds like an exciting show tonight, and I wanted to get that out to everyone so they could look for it. It should be an interesting conversation about abuse, faith, divorce on CNN with Joy Behar.

You can check into the No More Quivering blog for updates through out the day as she speaks about this adventure she is on!

I will leave you with a video.

This video is showing quotes of famous male christian leaders who have belittled women by their comments. The pictures are of women who are serving God in different capacities. The purpose of the video is to show how sexist church leaders have been, and still are in some cases. When I read some of them? I was absolutely appalled! You have to wonder if these attitudes were WHY 'feminism' was started to begin with huh?

Faith Based Presentations based on Domestic Violence

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:29:00 PST

Faith Based Presentations based on Domestic Violence

United Methodist Domestic Violence Education Video

United Methodist Domestic Violence Education Video - MPEG Link

Interesting Comments on Forgiving

When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing of Domestic Violence ..Direct Video Link at bottom

When Apologies are Dangerous - link at Bottom of post

Forgiveness - What is it?

Detours: Domestic Violence Sermon

Taking a Break From Words Sermon

Abuse you can see and hear

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:28:00 PST

Examples of Abuse, Definitions of Abuse

Examples
Without Remorse
Verbal Abuse of Children Caught on Tape
Series of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse you hear, feel, and see Super Nanny
Do you realize what your words can do?
Definitions
Children of Uxoricide - when one parent kills the other
Emotional Abuse
Good information about emotional Abuse
Patrica Evans Verbal Abuse Board
Information on PTSD

Teen Abuse - covers both genders

Shows and Movies for Abuse Support

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:26:00 PST

Shows and Movies

SHOWS

Victim of Emotional Abuse Speaks out on the TODAY show. approx 9 minutes
Toxic Relationships on Today Show. approx 8 minutes
Toxic Relationships on Today Show PT II. approx 9 minutes
Hidden Victims of Domestic Voilence (Discovery Education Channel) 35 min.
Robin Givens Talks about Faith and Domestic Violence
Sacred Silence (Discovery Education Channel) 25 min.
20/20 Segment on domestic abuse
Series of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse you hear, feel, and see Super NannyChild Abuse: Family Matters (Discovery Education Channel) 25 min.

MOVIES

Breaking the Silence - Children's Stories of Domestic Violence

The Color Purple

What's Love Got To Do With It

Gospel of John Day 1

Gospel of John - Day 2

Gospel of John - Day 3

Facing the Giants

Cry for Help - The Tracy Thurman Story

Music

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:25:00 PST

Music Links

Adrenaline Big House

Chris Tomlin - Indescribable

Newsboys - He Reigns

Chris Tomlin - Amazing Grace

Mariah Carey - Side Effects

American Idol - Shout to the Lord

Cry Out To Jesus

Held

How Far is Heaven

Jesus Loves You Whitney Houston

Kelly Clarkson - Because of you

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me

Mariah Carey - Side Effects with Lyrics

Newsboys - He Reigns

Toni Childs - I've got to go now

Blogs and Websites for Abuse

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:24:00 PST

Blogs and Websites

Because It Matters

Sanctuary for the Abused

Submission Tyranny in Church and Society

Adventures in Mercy

Quivering Daugthers

Woman Submit

Not Under Bondage

Battered Husband Support

Husband Abuse Blog

What about when Mom's the Abuser

Heart 2 Heart For Battered Men

Hotline For Men

Possible sources for help for emotional abuse

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:48:00 PST

Possible sources of other types of help

Safety Plans - Always good to look at more than one!

Sanctuary for the Abused - Separation Safety Plan

Abigails Safety Plan - .pdf file

Focus Ministries Safety Plan - .pdf file

Abuse Devotionals, writing, Poems by: Jacky Hughes

ARIN WHOIS Database Search - look up IP addresses

Emotional Abuse
Good information about emotional Abuse

NCADV

Freecycle - Helpful resource if looking for free household items

Legal Decisions Article

Patrica Evans Verbal Abuse Board

Information on PTSD

The Weaker Vessel - Abuser Database

Read Notify - tells you IP address and location of person sent it, etc.

Stalking Help Resource

Free Hugs - Makes you feel better!

Faith Based Domestic Violence Organizations

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:19:00 PST

Faith Based Domestic Violence Organizations

Broken People

Dorcas Network

Faith Trust Institute

Focus Ministries

JSafe or Jewish Institute

PASCH - Peace and Safety

Rave - Religion and Violence eLearning

Hannah's Socks - What a Blessing!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:45:26 PST

What a cute child isn't she? This is little Hannah of Hannah's socks!

Hannah was a small girl and while helping her mother volunteer at a shelter one day noticed a man with torn shoes, and no socks at all. She asked her mother if it was okay to give her socks to the man.

From the mouths of babes Hannah's Socks organization was started!

2009 Sock Count

Collected: 50,000 pairs
Our Goal: 60,000 pairs

That is the count so far for the year, and this organization would love your help! They donate the socks to homeless shelters, and also domestic violence shelters as well. Such a small thing that most of us don't think about as we take for granted our pairs of socks.

Volunteering at homeless shelters and organizations like this can be a very life changing experience for anyone. I used to go with my parents as a child as well. My father and I would take his plants that were overgrown, and repot them into smaller containers to bring with us when we go and volunteer. Dad had a green thumb as the saying goes, and goodness we would get alot of smaller plants from one HUGE one that he had babied all year. Lets just say our car was overloaded, and needed to be vacuumed each time when we got home! (giggles)

Giving back to the community will not only make your heart feel warm, but it does make a huge impact on others. I was raised with that in mind, and have been doing so most of my life. I encourage everyone to get involved even in a small way within your community, and maybe ask Hannah how to start your how "Hannah's Socks' in your area!

Help Hannah's Socks organization meet their goal! They only have 10,000 pairs of socks left! Hannahs's socks - What a blessing to many!

Zero-Tolerance on Domestic Violence Within the Church

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:17:15 PDT

Creekside Ministries wrote an article Called, A Zero Tolerance Level.

I have to tell you in my little naive world as a same child? I always assumed that the church 'had that' no questions asked because that is how it is there!

When I grew older I knew there were taboo subjects that you need to approach lightly. In the environment that I grew up in? I already felt I wasn't capable of it, or so I thought. I would throw out small hints, and if they didn't follow up? I just wasn't justified.

When I grew to an adult I knew some subjects you just didn't bring up at all, unless you could show you are almost a Saint! They were going to look at my every move, attitude, and it seemed to me like a hunting trip for that one sin they could hang their hat on.

The Ministries first quote:

I have a zero-tolerance level for abuse in any form. It is always sin. It is a completely inappropriate reaction to stress, frustration, demands, disappointments, others' behavior. There are no excuses. We always have the choice how we respond. Period.

I'm sure most can agree with that quote from Creekside ministries, but what I have found is that the 'no excuses' is short lived in most cases. We are going to use an example of someone that truly has their heart in the right place, and accepts what is happening and is willing to help! I will answer in my mindset at the time when I was totally beaten down by the abuse.

I said short lived, and why do I say that? I have seen and read so many times one little sentence goes towards the 'no excuse' portion of their answer, and the rest of the time you are getting the third degree. When you live in a world that is full of fear and doubt? People don't seem to realize their intention isn't going to come across as they would like. I will admit some people's hearts ARE in the right place, but when you don't understand a person's world? It can backfire on you!

In the 'old' days when these items they pointed out to me about ME?

I used the same pattern of behavior I had when growing up and beyond. It was like I had a microscope, and I set it on 'magnify level 1000'. I would just rip myself to pieces!

For Example I might say about a disagreement: "Okay I sighed during our conversation, and he found it offensive maybe? This is what set the whole fight off!?" I was setting myself up to own something - well the after effect anyway - and place all my guilt on a sigh for example.

People will mention that maybe that sigh is did set him off, and maybe he was offended by it. He could have felt disrespected by that, but it doesn't justify his behavior.

Did you see the one sentences above?

If he was listening? Not only would he jump on that 'sigh' with both feet, but he would also feel more justified about it in the future. They don't realize that people that are abusive go on hunting trips looking for some sin to hang their hat on. They also don't realize when they mentioned, 'his behavior wasn't justified' and he will leave that out in the future as if it was never said. The 'offended' and 'disrespected' parts? THAT would be the only source of discussion with him.

I wish someone had mentioned that abusive parties do tend to focus on the parts that would either justify their actions, or use it in a way to smash me over the head regarding their behavior and how I asked for it almost. When you live in a world full of confusion? You aren't looking for that loophole, and they can twist things around to make you FEEL you sin more so than what was intended.

They also don't realize the level of magnification victims use to feel bad about it. They may have pointed this out and to them 'matter of fact' regarding this sigh, but their intent wouldn't be realized to me. They may not "intend" my sigh during the conversation equals justifying his abuse, but that is what I heard. That shows my mindset at the time. I was primed and ready to own it.

Some people will say that is because I was to sensitive.

NO! I was hypersensitive because in my environment that is how I learned I must be. I don't think people count on that part, and I think that is where some communication is lost. They aren't counting on my being hypersensitive due to watching my every move, and every statement to make sure I don't set off a bomb! Its a way of life!

YES the 'sigh' had nothing to with the abuse. It wasn't due to being provoked, or having a bad day even! It was because he made the choice to abuse. I never figured that out until I was told this 1000 times it seems like! People that cared about me figured out that hypersensitive part about me, and they realized I had to get OUT of that habit pattern before I could truly HEAR what they are saying!

In other words, maybe the 'sigh' was a factor Hannah but it still doesn't justify his actions! The sigh should have NEVER sent him over the top like that!

I realize Harry Potter is a taboo subject within some circles, and I don't mean to offend here! I read the books while I was recovering from major surgery. I was bored to death on bed rest, and someone brought them over.

Anyway, if any of you have seen this series of movies there was a character named Dobby. Dobby was the resident house-elf of the Malfoy family, and he served the Malfoys with total submission. The Malfoy family treated Dobby with unkindness and cruelty, often reminding him to do extra punishments to himself when he does something disagreeable to them. Dobby also told Harry Potter that he was used to death threats as he received them frequently by the Malfoys. Though he always did as he was told, he longed to be free of the Malfoys.

During the story Dobby was trying to get Harry Potter to leave the school for his own safety. When Harry Potter refused Dobby set something up so Harry would be hurt, but not killed in hopes that he would scare him away instead. (It was the setup for the danger in the movie) Dobby during the hospital scene admitted to hurting Harry, and you can imagine Harry was upset as we would all be. Dobby decided he would punish himself, and Harry couldn't take watching him hit himself anymore and asked him to STOP! Dobby was always beating himself up, because that is what he was conditioned to do.

I was like Dobby in the movie. I wouldn't iron my hands for punishment, but I would hand myself over for extra punishment when anything disagreeable would happen. Bad Hannah! Bad Hannah...YOU SIGHED YOU SIGHED YOU SIGHED...as my example goes! Guess what would leave the equation completely at that point? 'There are no excuse. We always have the choice how we respond. Period!' His behavior to me was justified, because he always told me it was...and people hinted at the sigh as part of his provoked reaction. I was Dobby just taking my punishment for it.

When people speak of No Tolerance of Domestic Violence within the Church? I think it is always important to realize the Dobby factor in that. I didn't intentionally become Dobby. I was Dobby in alot of ways, and I never really saw that.

Not in my CHURCH!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:45:00 PDT

I was doing a little reading the other night, and I came across the blog called Duh Daily Scoop. The author reprinted an article by By Valerie Strauss of the Washington Post. The article was called, "A Call for Clergy to Spotlight Domestic Abuse".

Glenn F. Ivey is a State's Attorney for Maryland, and he wanted to get out the word about domestic violence. As we know October is Domestic Violence Month in the United States, and he made a couple of calls to the churches so they could take the lead. He figured it would be a 'slam dunk' as they call it. It will be an easy sell! HOW hard could this be right?

"But no, I heard things like: 'Brother, it's a little hot to talk about that one.' Or, 'Well, I'll take it up, and we'll form a task force and get back to you.' . . . And then there are churches where the response to the victim is, 'You have to stick it out.' "

Glenn Ivey is a man that wishes to help the 'weaker vessel' within churches, and the church basically turned their backs on the State of Maryland, Glenn Ivey, and women that he wishes to help. What a 'holy' slap in the face huh? We aren't talking about a few little small towns, or neighbors here after all! We are talking about an entire STATE within the USA, and their churches decided that domestic violence really wasn't a topic they wanted to deal with right now.

The article goes on to say:

On Sunday, gatherings will be held at churches -- including Ebenezer AME Church in Fort Washington -- and community-based organizations across the region for "Project Safe Sunday," an initiative aimed at getting people to talk about the sometimes-taboo subject of domestic violence. President Obama has designated October "National Domestic Violence Awareness Month."

The goal is to help people understand the serious and complicated problem and to spur them to learn how to help themselves and others get out of an abusive relationship.

Mr. Ivey speaks about one of his revelations about how people just can't seem to approach this subject when news came out about Chris Brown and Rihanna. We all know they talked about it, but how they wrap their minds around the reality of domestic abuse? It seems that took him by surprise.

In another Washington Post article Glenn Ivey was quoted with saying:

At least initially, a large contingent of people thought that Rihanna was guilty until proven innocent. Not only were they willing to defend Brown, but they also seemed convinced that she must have done something to "deserve" being beaten. Even after a tabloid released photographs of Rihanna showing extensive bruises and swelling, some persisted in defending Brown. Her decision to reunite with him after the photos were published was seen in some quarters as confirmation that she had somehow wronged him from the beginning.

He was speaking to a many of middle school students about this crime, and he was surprised at the reaction of the children. It was the same, and the stats, stories and whatever else he could show them was basically lost to his audience of children.

The surprising comment that he made finally got these children to stop and think for a moment!

Finally, exasperated, I blurted out, "Do you think Barack would ever hit Michelle like that?"

Everyone in the room froze. One student weakly suggested that "Michelle is big enough to fight back," but I knew I had them then.

"Even if she were a foot shorter, can you ever imagine Barack hitting Michelle?" I pressed on: "Is there anything she could possibly do that would lead you to think she deserves to get beaten?"

At that point, the debate was over. Putting hands on Michelle Obama was somehow unthinkable.

Mr. Ivey commented about how the domestic violence issue needed someone like Michelle Obama to step up and support it. He also mentioned that maybe this was to much of a hot topic even for her. No matter what your political party lines are can you imagine the impact that would have? The fact that domestic violence rips people's lives apart, and that isn't falling along gender lines either! Generations of families dealing with this, and for some? Domestic violence is far too controversial to make that commitment.

He closes:

But this sort of campaign is clearly needed. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that about 1,200 deaths occur each year as the result of domestic violence. Nearly 2 million attacks annually don't result in death but can be nearly as devastating -- such as what happened to Yvette Cade of Clinton in October 2005, when her estranged husband set her on fire. The Chris Brown/Rihanna case is the sort of domestic violence that I see nearly every day in my job as a prosecutor.

On top of all this, the ripple effects of violence continue to rip apart families and distort young minds. Many of the killers that come through my courthouse have a history of domestic violence in their homes. It will take powerful forces to break that generational curse.

For years groups have sought to reduce domestic violence nationwide. We would all benefit from the credibility and charisma that the first lady would bring to these efforts. Perhaps with her help, we could reverse recent trends and reduce domestic violence in America.

I have to wonder if it will take someone like Michelle Obama for people to truly stop and listen. It seems to me that the church is afraid to use our most powerful source GOD as the motivator!

I see people searching for the grey area so they really don't have to deal with the meat of the issue. Recently I wrote about one of the red herrings that stop them, and that would be the 'authority' within the home.

I truly feel people are afraid of opening this can of worms.

Its a can of worms that God would wish to be dealt with, but we humans use scripture as reasons we don't.

You also see this in history all the time.

From Bitter waters to Sweet mentions how Christians used scripture to justify slavery for example! We can't even imagine that today, but it was accepted and believed!

A Wife's Submission talks about Nate Phelps, and how his well known father Fred Phelps uses 1 Corinthians 11 as a tool of terror towards the women in his family. How he can use this power to take away their salvation. Nate Phelps has now completely turned his back on his faith.

Its just like the stories you find about the sexual abuse within the church that Because It Matters brings to our attention. People are so taken back and hurt by the stories they accuse others of 'judging' and remind them that they are a NICE person. They are a man of God. They just can't face they are a fallen man of God. The accusers are normally placed on the hot seat at that point as people search for flaws in their character to use as the excuse. They just can't place the fact that this person can do this using their own freewill. You can't heal broken people if you can't face the fact they are broken to begin with! IT doesn't happen in MY church...afterall!

We have all heard the sermons and read the articles about commitment. How we have covenants that we are fulfill. Men and Women that are abused are asked to fulfill a commitment and covenant by themselves, because their abusers aren't capable of that. What makes it harder is that society it seems can't seem to OWN that fact that they are not capable either. I will admit society is further along in loads of aspects when it comes to the 'world' versus domestic violence within the church!

Sadly, I think Glenn F. Ivey does have a point. It will take someone like Michelle Obama to start the push for the world to see the reality of this sin.

Its not due to being 'provoked' as people love to say.

Its due to two broken people that have separate issues they need to face and deal with.

Sadly, in alot of cases? They may never see it, because the world refuses to. The 'healthy' ones can't point it out, and help because its just to controversial. I guess its easier to blame the broken people. It would be to UN-politically correct to truly look deeper. The next time I hear, "That would never happen in MY church!" I hope they aren't Maryland! If they are I wonder if they will go as far as to ask about the invitation from Glenn Ivey! You know! Check to see if the denial is NOT in YOUR church! I can't believe Maryland is the one and only!

Humor Regarding Men and Feminism

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:54:00 PDT

I had been doing some reading about Christians and feminism. I kept wondering if everyone used the extreme and radical form of it only to make their points. I'm finding that is pretty much the case so far anyway.

I found a top ten list that is MEANT to be humor, and I can see where they are getting their points. Christian Feminism's 10 Ten List:

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Shouldn’t Be Ordained

10. A man’s place is in the army.

9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.

8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be “unnatural” for them to do other forms of work.

7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.

5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.

4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, change the oil in the church vans, and maybe even lead the singing on Father’s Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.

1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.

Keep in mind I doubt it was meant to be offensive, and some parts of it did make me giggle!

The Abusive Woman Series

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:41:00 PDT

Collection of the posts using the Wife Swap show to point out abusive behavior with a woman.

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:20:56 PDT

This is the third and final part using the show from the Wife Swap to show that women can be abusive also.

Part One and Part Two show what has happened up to this point, and Part three? This is the final blowout!

Jay finally blows that leaves the table himself, but he quickly returns at his wives request.

Lin decides she will change the mood of the table, and attempt to show the NICE parts of her week. Tony points out to her that when she was in charge? She never said one selfish thing, or acted in one selfish way. That did NOT go over well in his wife's presence!

Their attempt? It pretty much failed Rebbecca completely. You see the world is about HER, and those nice things? They should be showered upon HER as well!

Tony mentions the exercise routine that she worked out with him, and nicely asked if his wife would like to participate with him after their child goes to school. "GREAT" in a very nasty tone she responds with.

Jay nicely speaks to her, and tells her that this is a good thing. It will be a good thing for the both of them to participate with. Tony knows that if they BOTH do this its likely they continue compared to just ONE of them would be best. He also knows she might talk him OUT of doing this, because she needs him to do other things instead.

Did you see her LOOK as well? Yikes talk about EVIL!

AFTER THE SWAP?

Jay has a new appreciation for his family. He participates more with the household, and spends more time with his child. They have decided there are drill sergeant days and there are going to be sweet romantic days as well.

The BOSS at the other house? It meant Rebbecca got things back to the way she wanted them. She didn't want him to take the DJ job, and he had to decline.

She mentions that she didn't want him to change, and he doesn't need to change. WELL maybe the exercise part was okay, but the rest of it? She doesn't want things to change a bit. Why would she? Where is the incentive for her to?

You see she can say her family is first and foremost in her mind and heart, but actions speak louder than words. Her children aren't first, and her husband? That is FAR from a 50/50 partnership! You had better TELL her it is, but in reality it isn't. Remember when she mentioned how JAY was just going with the motions? She never even attempted them. True abuser fashion!

The exercise part that rubbed off on Tony? HER words, "I don't CARE!" They took a walk, and of course her opinion? Its not a good use of TIME! How long before she demands he stop that now?

When you have an abusive spouse that sees NOTHING wrong with their world? That is going to be HARD to make her see that others may not feel the same way! What makes it harder still? In her own words, "She doesn't care!" That woman is terribly emotionally and verbally abusive. At this point I think Tony is totally broken, and doesn't know what to do. He shows his love, and all she wants is MORE! Remember she wants her 50/50!

Tony was just being thoughtless, and YES even arrogant! He saw that and is in the process of changing that. YES people can change, but you have to admit what is there in order to DO THAT! I didn't truly see fear and intimidation on her part (Lin) towards Jay. I can't say that with Tony! He is intimidated by her!

Could a bit of assertive nature help? SURE it could! Can you imagine HER reaction to that? If I were guessing I doubt anyone ever pointed this out to him. In real life? He would be shamed by others for NOT being a man. NOT HELPFUL but hurtful advice. Break him a bit more why don't you?! Women are told to be nicer and more submissive. Men are told to STEP UP. Neither forms of advice are helpful, nor do they care fruit. The chances of Tony being in denial to help him deal with his world? VERY likely just as woman do.

What people don't concentrate on to much? The other side of this. How to handle the I DON'T CARE and GET OUT OF MY WAY type of person? They care MORE about themselves than anyone. Where would the incentive be to change? To see the light? To COME out of the COMA?

The Abusive Woman - The other side. You see abuse isn't about gender. Its about brokenness. Its about hurt and pain. Its about denial and control. Doesn't matter the gender does it? Its there no matter WHOM it happens to!

The other parts of the series of the abusive woman

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:20:15 PDT

Yesterday I started to talk about the Abusive Woman using a show someone sent to me. The show is Wife Swap, and we have the two button pushers from both families living together. The more laid back counterparts? The are in the other home.

What's funny is Jay mentions, "When is she going to come out of her coma, and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her?"

ITS true in this situation, but its also true with his viewpoint towards things! He will at least come up for air in time!

It has been 4 days of her sitting on the sofa, and playing sick. She refuses to even do the dishes, because HE needs to realize marriage is a partnership. (giggles - oh boy!)

She totally dropped the ball with everything, because she doesn't 'want to'. I was surprised at how nicely he put it to her in a confrontation, and telling her he will treat her like a queen next? YIKES! That will help huh? NOT!!

THE SWAP Happens!

Lin decides she will be the new boot camp instructor within the home. What was kind of neat about that was she was going to TRY to get HIM to feel better about himself. She was going to be that 'helper' we hear about. Her whole focus is HIM, and she will try to help him get control of his life as she puts it. She will also place some focus on the children that Rebbecca also neglects.

Did you see the man's face when she told him HE was going BACK to being a DJ!!!!!!! He lit up didn't he?

Jay on the other hand is told that he will cook, clean, and do all the WIFE role stuff. What is his attitude compared to her's? YES MAME!

She took away the army clothes, and told him he WILL get involved with his daughter's interests this week. No more exercise, but quality family time!

She also wishes to show him a bit of spice and romance that his wife will feel once she returns. He is a bit insulted by the fact she insists he doesn't appreciate his wife, and he leaves the room upset.

Tony of course didn't take to the boot camp exercise to well at first, but she didn't scream at him over it. Its hard to change your lifestyle, and would be for anyone! Their daughter loved the attention given to her at cheer leading practice, and its clear she misses that from her mother.

Jay packed away his boot camp gear, and JUMPED right into his duties.

Rebbecca made some claim about him just 'going though the motions' so he can turn back to his old ways, and continue to be selfish. She basically projected things she will do to him. This is typical abusive behavior.

Its amazing how she can't see that trait within herself isn't it? That is what she did at the end! He didn't JUST go with the motions, but saw the light. You will see her ingrained root of rage, and control tactics the whole show.

Since Tony doesn't wish to take his exercise routine seriously Lin decides a major checkup at the doctor is needed to wake him UP! After the doctor scared him enough? He decided his children were motivation to take his health seriously, and stop being selfish as he put it. I hope he sincerely sticks with it. He seems like a nice man to me. I wouldn't wish anything to happen to him. He seems like a good DAD!

Jay of course as you can imagine is getting tired of being 'bossed' around, and confronts her about the 50/50 cut in her home. Its amazing she was SO SICK that she couldn't take the trash out, but sit there and complain about it. She could start the dishes, because she was able but refused to. He was doing it all, but he needed to step UP according to her!

Jay admits its amazing how someone can sit there and look at you with a straight face, and LIE about their contributions.

Abusers are very good at this. I have to wonder HOW they can do this myself!

Can you imagine people telling you that you may be a bit sensitive about that? How maybe you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Maybe they just need to feel your LOVE a bit more? Talk about frustrating and feeling not heard huh?

Victims hear this regularly. NOT just by the abusers, but from support systems they attempt to reach out to. HOW can they get control of things, and change the dynamics when everyone is not listening, or can't validate them in any way? If you can't admit how bad it is, and try to just sugar coat it? It brings helplessness to some, and downright anger to others. You can't blame either of them!

Lin is finding she feels good about giving support, instead of always ASKING for support all the time. She really can't feel that way at home if you look to Jay. He is the BOSS and LEADER of the home, and she is to follow orders. She maybe leading Tony at this point, but the attitude and intent is not the same is it? It seems to me that is the proper view of leadership. Why? People respond to that in a way that is good for everyone! I'm sure it looks different for other families, but I'm talking her approach. IT helps the family, and doesn't have to concentrate on feeling like the LEADER!

When it comes to 'family time' Jay is finding he has a whole new respect for what his wife does.

He also is finding that his little girl? WELL she isn't such a 'little girl' anymore, and he better get more involved with her life before her childhood passes him by.

Both Jay and his daughter are disappointed in Rebbecca that she is either sick or doesn't wish to do things.

They notice that she says one thing, and does another. As you can see from this dynamic it is not only Jay that is being taken advantage of in some ways, but its his daughter that is being neglected. Its not just the spouse that feels things, but the children as well.

Tony gets to try out his DJ job, and you can see how MUCH he feels good about himself in that role. Its like he has a new spring in his step!

His old radio station also offers him a job when he is ready. That just totally made his day! You can see even his daughter was excited for him, and she saw clearly how much that impacted him!

Jay and Rebbecca decide he needs a romantic dinner to remind him that his wife could use a little romance in her life! What happened when Rebbecca is called to task over her laziness, excuses, and la la land talk?

She refuses to participate and leaves.

How does she handle the confrontation at that point? She not only leaves the restaurant, but leaves his home to goes to a hotel. The next day she refuses to say goodbye, and goes to the spa instead.

All these shows end when the couples met together at a neutral spot, hug, and then go and sit down all four them together.

Rebbecca can't stand the attention of the cameras at this point, and totally refuses to participate in the last portion at all.

She threatens to stop the show if they don't get TONY in the car with her NOW!

Abusers do this all the time. They sabotage things they don't like when things get uncomfortable.

They don't like it if they are going to be confronted, or face with their own character flaws. She refuses to have ANYTHING to do with ANYONE! That was her form of control.

Tony has to remind her NOT to get mad at him because he is on her side. You notice she attacked him right off the bat? If something else is bothering abusers in life its quite normal for an abuser to attack their partner. Things are uncomfortable for them? They snap their partners heads right OFF! Does she sound like she would be in the mood to receive a nice, "Back off will you please" speech?

She makes it quite clear to him if he doesn't do as she expects? There will be hell to pay once she gets home. She does this before SHE allows any further production to continue! ON YEAH spoiled is a good word for it! Control freak abuser is another!

When Tony finally gets her to the table Jay makes it clear it was more than rude of her to make all of them wait. Granted maybe he could have done it differently, because I think he knew what her reaction would be. HE does have a point none the less!

Tony attempts to stick up for her, and Jay tells him how it was ALL WEEK! She of course interrupts, and he asks her to LET HIM FINISH! Abusers interrupt all the time, and in their intimidating ways? Victims don't normally get a chance to finish. They just won't listen to it. If they are pressed to? Chances are good payback is coming, or downright silent treatment is your punishment.

I can tell you right now Tony is going to be trouble as SOON as he gets in the car with her. HOW DARE he let that man even OPEN his mouth!

She made all kinds of excuses as to WHY she didn't help with anything. She was sick. She wasn't suppose to do anything. He points out to her that she didn't' have any issues sitting around doing nothing but barking orders!

The other parts of the series!

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:19:32 PDT

From time to time people point out shows they have seen online that presents abusive traits in people. The one I wanted to show today was from Wife Swap, and we are going to SWITCH roles a bit! Why? The woman is the abuser!

I'm sure most of you know that I don't see abuse just in the eyes of women, and I do believe both sexes can be targets of abusive people.

Its an interesting program, and you can see good things and bad things from both families.

Johnson Family - Lin and Jay are the fitness family

Blackburn Family - Rebbecca and Tony are the at home business couple

The Johnson family not only surrounds their world with Fitness, but his military background encourages the extreme form of in charge type of leadership. Jay spends more time in his chosen lifestyle than he does with his daughter. After the introduction his wife Lin admits that she is in submission. She will mention that she does everything he does, plus all the housework duties. His response? 'You love our life don't YOU!' She wishes he could place the boot camp and exercise drills aside along enough to have something else in life. HEY maybe a little romance! His daughter wishes she could have more attention from him.

The Blackburn Family is a couple that claims things are done 50/50, and they also feel fitness is important. According to the program? She is the 'controlling force' in the home, and if fitness is important why he is over 370 pounds states the show producer. He does everything in their home while she sleeps, watches TV or gets a snack. What I giggled at? When the wives left for their new home? Tony says to Rebbecca, "Remember don't be to bossy!" During the introduction he mentions that she is not mean, but she likes to be obeyed. She said she doesn't see what she will gain from the swap personally, because everything she does is pretty right (with a huge grin). She didn't heed his advice later on regarding being bossy, and her abusive entitlement came into play.

When you hear the introductions you can see right away that the main button pushers? They will be living with each other in the SAME house! Jay and Rebbecca together? THIS will be fun huh?

You can see both of them have a bit of entitlement issues, and both of them seem to be in denial of things. Some people don't realize HOW they are coming off, and HOW things effect their families. Jay was open to changes after the show was complete, but Rebbecca wanted everything the same.

Wonder if either of them will wake up and smell the reality? WELL at least we know ONE does!

At the beginning the new wives arrive, and they read a little instruction manual as to how their home is run. As I'm sure with ALL of us if we had this happen would have giggles, OH BOY'S, and YOU have to be kidding me moments!

Tony is scared that she is going to work his butt off exercising, and I giggled because she knew he felt that way. You could tell she was going to attempt to be sensitive about this. Their daughter was thrilled because she helps cheerleaders in their fitness (cheerleading is the child's hobby) business. She is excited to know someone will be involved with her activities now.

Rebbecca tells Jay right off the bat she is spoiled, and his arrogance over the health and well being of his family is stated. He of course hints around at her lack of fitness. That doesn't sit well with her of course. There are ways of doing that, and other ways that cause people to be defensive. I think Jay doesn't seem to recognize he does get people defensive.

Lin is uncomfortable with the spoiled life style, and Rebbecca doesn't like to be taken advantage of. SHE claims that 50/50 deal arrangement for her home is what she is used to. She never sees that 50/50 never existed in her home, but loves to say it all the time. Quite normal for an abusive personality. They claim all kinds of things, but have nothing to back them up. I have wonder if saying things enough makes them actually believe it. Defensive mechanism for themselves maybe? I don't know.

When you go about 4:31 into the program is where Jay is attempting to be nice (although he is arrogant)about how she needs to get in shape if she wants to be there for her children. Hints that she will have a heart attack one day. I don't think I would have liked to be spoken to in that manner either, but part of the swap? Its to live the other families life for a week. She pretty much told you she isn't going to do that. When the going gets tough? The abuser digs in their heels.

If you watch closely they both Jay and Rebbecca TRY to get their points across to the other, and BOTH of them use diversion to pretend they didn't hear the other person's points.

As you can see both of them would NOT be very easy to get along with, or to find a place of resolution with. How great and grand would that be for anyone within a relationship if you are NOT able to resolve things? If they are able to? How completely exhausting that attempt would be! Can you FEEL IT?!

Then you have the two submissive parties in the other household. She was respectful to him towards his weight, and he appreciated it. You could tell he was ready to be attacked, and I'm sure we both KNOW by now who made him feel that way in the past.

One thing that did enter my mind as I watched this was hearing Pastors tell me this is a good example of how women wish to take over their leadership within the home. THIS is what happens when leadership is being usurp by women.

Given her attitude and you swap gender roles?

WHY the church would feel this dynamic within the couple would feel MORE comfortable to women? Think about that for a minute. I mean WHO WOULD?!

If it makes you squirm why would it not make others feel uncomfortable as well?

This has NOTHING to do with people 'wired to lead', etc. Its cruel and oppressive, and it would have that effect on anyone. You notice he is effected by this, and women in that area are not wired any differently. We are talking character flaws, and not ROLES here! Her behavior if it was a man would be used as showing leadership. If I were guessing unless a man had video tape like this? He would be dismissed in his way as well. They could be harsh and cruel to the man as well by telling him to MAN UP as well.

Its strange to me how people feel belittling people in that fashion would have a good outcome!

It has nothing to do with his 'manhood', and everything to do with unhealthy dynamic within their lifes.

DAY two happens and Rebecca refuses to get out of bed. Jay goes on with his day, and in his nasty mindset decides to mock her at practice.

She of course decides to deal with life with snacks and television. Remember she already made up her mind to dig in her heels. He isn't getting anything from her at this point. In her eyes? He started things, and she will end it her way.

SHE isn't going to do ANYTHING if she doesn't want to!

YOU are NOT going to force her, or talk her into it either!

She has an excuse for everything, and guess what?

THAT can cause resentment can't it? It would make no difference what gender it was, because resentment will happen with this 'I don't care' attitude! I will do what I want, and you DEAL WITH IT' attitude! Hinting at submission of just doing it? That enables bad behavior, and doesn't change a thing. THAT is what they WANT afterall! They like it the way it is! Why change it? They see no need, and there is nothing in it for them. They see no incentive AT ALL!

Part Two of the "The Abusive Woman - Watch the Other Side" is tomorrow!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Final Part