Emotional Abuse and Your Faith

Narcississm - Its all about Him

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 21 May 2009 07:05:45 PDT

Blog talk radio interview with Barbara from Sanctuary for the Abused, and she is interviewed about Narcissism.

All About Him speaks about what is a narcissist, and how to identify a narcissistic behavior.

This isn't a gender issue again, and its a good interview if you have questions about Narcissism.

Saudi Judge gives ignorant excuses for domestic violence. Are we much better?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 13 May 2009 07:24:00 PDT

Cnn.com was quoted this week:

Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."

The judge also ignorantly stated:

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.

We can all see the ignorance in those comments about what domestic violence actually is. The blog world is on fire about the judges comments, and people are making comments about how backwards this thinking is. That's being NICE!

As the author at It Dawned on Me stated

I lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 14 months many years ago. Every time I see stories like this, it makes me angry. This is yet another example of men…and this time validated by a judge…using violence to subjugate women. Women have little opportunity to be indecent in this country. They wear veils everywhere they go. They cannot socialize, attend classes, work, or even be seen with a man who is not their husband. When friends come to visit in homes, men socialize with the men in one room and women visit with the women in another room.

What that author speaks about also is seen in the news, and it does set things up to be a no win situation for the women and children in part of the world. They also use this type of excuses when it comes terrorism as well. People pushed their buttons or made them act. They misuse the 'honor' word as an excuse for violence, and in a way to escape from personal responsibility.

I hate these stories as much as anyone I'm sure. I guess I'm also in the minority because YES you do hear about the vicious nature of some of the stories, but in our area of the world we just have a different way of saying basically the same thing.

What did you do to make him so mad?

You need to learn to submit more, and respect leadership within the home! Now go home, and pray to be a better wife!

That is what would be said - among other things - when a wife got slapped for overspending or being perceived that she has a wrong attitude.

We speak about how they are raised in that part of the world with this ignorant attitude towards women, and as you can see it was endorsed by a judge.

Here? Its endorsed by the church.

There are HUGE differences in some realms, but in others? Not so much from where I sit. We have our own ways of endorsing and enabling violence against others within our families. We sprinkle a little scripture on top, but can't do alot of things you see on the news due to our laws. They wouldn't get jailed there, but would here. Those women across the world do have it worse in alot of ways than we do on our side of the world, but we do have things in common. Our houses of faith endorse domestic violence in different ways, and neither of them call it out for the sin it is. Neither call it out for the pure evil that is violence against fellow humans.

We have separate excuses. We have separate ways of life.

We both encourage domestic violence by not holding people accountable, and calling it out for what it is.

SIN!

That Saudi judge needs education badly about the dynamics of domestic violence, but in some ways are we any better? Do our words give protection from abuse? We both have forms of religious abuse, and for some reasons ours is just more acceptable.

Why is that? Does that make it better because we do it different?

Communication Breakdown?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 12 May 2009 07:44:00 PDT

I just don't understand HOW people can push the 'communication' card, and then ask you to do the opposite...and then wonder why it doesn't work for people. All to often I see counterdictions, and enables communication breakdown. Here is an example!

At the present time, my husband and I are struggling with our marriage. I am trying to be more solicitous in that I am asking his permission or what his thoughts are versus saying, "I'm going to do this...".

The other day, a friend wanted to me to go out with her but we had three children at the house so I asked him, "Would you mind if I went...?" He reacted negatively and said, "Well, I suppose but I wanted lay down and I can't do that with unless you are watching the kids." Now, this was said in a negative manner and with an air of guilt, which has been one of my issues with him---his controlling/doing things through guilt or fear.

I choose to let him lay down and went with my friend later. However, I'm left with the same feelings of anger and resentment I've always had because I feel like the only thing I submitted to was his dramatic display of guilt.

How should I have better handled this?
What I am suppose to submit to?

First off the 'permission' thing bothers me greatly. Spouses aren't children that need to ask permission. I don't have a problem having a discussion, or even say 'Do you mind if I...'. To me that is common courtesy, and something people need to show in a relationship in order to be a healthy one. I don't even have an issue with people wishing to discuss things with their spouses before making plans. We are all human and if we place this 'permission' part out there you are opening yourself up to an abuse of power. That's just human nature.

I realize that children have to ask permission, but the reasons are plain for that. We know that abuse of power towards children happen as well, but asking permission as a child has completely different reasoning behind it. Its part of their learning process if you will as they grow up, and become adults in our world. Its a safety measure...a learning tool.

Beyond the scope of this poster feeling it is RIGHT to ask permission from her spouse we see she speaks of his attitude towards her in response. There is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to go out later, but the way it is asked is what's in question here.

The responses she got is where I wonder how these women feel 'communication' is being used in their relationships. Is submission being used as a tool for communication or communication breakdown within the relationship?

I think you did the right thing in letting him lay down and going with your friend later.

I fully understand your feelings of anger and resentment; I've recently been in similar situations with my husband. But, remember that God is the One we're ultimately submitting to. Let your anger and resentment drive you closer to Him in prayer and as you pray it through I wouldn't be surprised if He gave you His peace.

But if you're anything like me, it might be a bit of a prayer struggle before you reach that point. But know that God is growing you through it, too.

I find when I'm in a disagreement with my husband that it's better for me to go over his head, so to speak, and take the problem directly to the Lord.

As Oswald Chambers wrote, "obey God, and leave all the consequences with Him."

In a healthy relationship with a spouse that truly loves you I struggle with these types of responses.

They acknowledge that the bad behavior and bad attitude is raising anger and resentment, but you aren't asked to communicate at all. Your communication is in prayer only. All to often I see these speeches to women about how they need to communicate their wants, needs, feelings to men because they don't have crystal balls to figure those things out for themselves. That makes sense! Yet communication breakdown is what is being encouraged here. We can't have both ways!

There are times in which you take it to the Lord, and I'm NOT saying you don't do that. We can't tell them that communication, boundaries, etc are needed, and then basically tell them to NOT do those things afterwards.

Another response?

Amen-
I don't see the problem here. Your husband only wanted to take a nap before you went out. You did get to go.

I see being a wife as a calling. It is something that God has given us to do to be a helpmate to the man. Sadly, we have lost touch with that with all this equal rights stuff. I don't mean to be a doormat,I mean to be a helper. You help your husband by letting him take a nap, then you are blessed by having some quiet time away with a friend.

Ephesians 5:22-"Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord."
It takes some practice,but I started doing things for my husband as though I were doing them for the Lord. If Jesus Christ Himself asked you to not leave to go out with your friend,but wait until He took a nap,you would be honored that He asked you! Try to look at being a helpmate to your husband in that way.

Remember we will all give an account for our lives one day. What we've done will either come forth as gold or be burned. We won't be able to say, "it was the husband you gave me.." We found in Genesis that doesn't work.

When I get angry with my husband,I go to a quiet place and tell the Lord how I feel. This is confession and it's the safest place to bring something.I would recommend sharing only with the Lord and not your friends. Don't put your husband in a bad light,in the end it makes you look bad.

Great example of communication breakdown. Its being a 'helpmate' to NOT discuss his nasty attitude and behavior towards you. I mean you got to go out right?

Lets think of our children for a moment. Would people allow their children to get away with this? Is that what the 'parents' would tell another parent if their child acted like this? Granted it would be a teenager or older here! NO WAY would we encourage our children to act so disrespectful, and yet its being a 'helpmate' to allow your husband to do it.

WHY does that make sense to people? How is it helping anyone to NOT communicate how the attitude is hurting you? If you don't let your husband KNOW that this is hurting you - aren't we encouraging that 'crystal ball' comments that come later?

This is crazy! That completely insane advice!

Studying to be quiet takes a lot of studying...and practice! I am learning when I want to say something to my husband, I play it out in my mind what the outcome will most likely be. I have learned to say it's not worth it and keep quiet. It doesn't happen overnight and you will fail. I am so thankful that the Lord does not give up on me

You have to be kidding me!

Granted there are times in which silent is best. I know with certain family members I'm better off approaching them AFTER they have calmed down, and can be receptive. They aren't telling this women to do this! They are telling her to hush, and tattle on him to the Lord. Communication breakdown.

I have to wonder if people see the counterdictions in the advice they give. If you did hush, and want to know what to do? You did well - submission and being a proper helpmate - take it to the Lord to tattle on him. If she showed she was upset by this attitude in a different manner? They would ask if she spoke to her husband, because afterall they don't have crystal balls! Communication is important in relationships. The advice you are handed at times? This encourages communication breakdown.

Cheating or beating--which is worse?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 06 May 2009 05:47:00 PDT

I saw a thread on Ibelieve.com about if you had to have ONE happen which would be worse? Cheating or Beating?

It was an interesting thread to read, because as you know churches tend to push the cheating card only. Overall which was the biggest fear, or considered the worse? Beating.

They spoke of the dynamics that may come with the beating part compared to the cheating part. The biggest factor was fear. Fear for their live. How beating isn't normally the only thing you deal with.

Of course you had those that threw in the 'one time' only deal, and I sat their scratching my head. So if you spouse beat the stuffing out of you ONE time you wouldn't be afraid of them? I'm sorry but if people can't admit that its pride.

Someone finally mentioned how its strange how pastors will only acknowledge the cheating part as excuse to separate or divorce. Funny because the poll showed overwhelmingly the women would rather be cheated on.

Cheating or Beating -- which is worse? It was an interesting thread!

Faith Board Enables Emotional Abuse Part Two

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 05 May 2009 03:17:00 PDT

I guess Family Life got an earful or something, because they decided they were going to 'change' the article. I have to say - it didn't make it any better. This faith board is still enabling emotional abuse.

Do you have a one-way marriage?

See yesterdays post, Faith Board Enables Emotional Abuse to see where we left off.

Editor’s note: One of the most difficult issues to address today is, “How long do you stay in a very unhappy marriage?” In the following article an anonymous wife describes her experiences and what God has taught her during a long, difficult relationship. It also sparked some interesting discussion in our comments section (see end of article) after it was sent by e-mail in the May 2009 issue of The Family Room. To provide greater context to the story and to address some misunderstandings, we worked with the writer to make revisions on May 4, 2009.

Ahem. I don't think there were many misunderstandings. Just because they changed the slant a bit to making her 'choice' in a way doesn't change the main point. That part wasn't strong enough, and their message came Thur loud and clear!

I have been married for over 47 years to a man who has centered his life and interests on himself.

When he and I were dating, he attended church with me occasionally and was active in his own church youth group, so I thought that we had the same commitment to church and God. We were only 18 years old, I was naïve, and I should have made a greater effort to make sure that we shared the same faith.

In the first weeks of marriage I asked him several times if he would like to begin visiting churches. He finally told me that when he was a child he was forced to go to church, and “Nobody is ever going to make me go again.” I expected that he would be loving, gentle, and kind. But within one month of the wedding, he was shoving me around and making me leave the room when his friends came to our apartment. One time, I was sitting on the couch with him and he kicked me, knocking the breath out of me.

This needed to stop. I told him I would not be mistreated, and I began packing my suitcase. He apologized and said he would never do it again. And to his credit he has not mistreated me physically ever since. Of course, I have experienced many other types of pain over the years.

He was almost always negative with his words, and rarely positive. A couple of times, I discovered that he was having a fling or an emotional affair.

It’s important to understand that I did not accept all of my husband’s mistreatment without any attempt to confront his behavior and plead with him to change. Though he considered himself king of the home, I did not accept all of his behavior or his decisions in the name of blind “submission.” I often urged him to consider counseling, either as a couple or individually, and he refused. “Counseling is for nutcakes,” he said. I left him books to read, and I got him to attend marriage conferences. For awhile I tried to make myself more appealing—I participated in many Bible studies on how to be a godly wife, and I read books on how to understand men. Those things were helpful but not the ultimate answer.

In the end I realized that nothing I could do would change my husband—he was a hardened, self-centered man committed to living his life the way he wished. I knew I needed to give him and our relationship to God, and ask Him to give me the strength to persevere and to love my husband.

When people hear my story, some wonder why I did not get a divorce. They say that I should have moved on and found someone to love me, that I deserved to be loved. They say I have been too subservient, and have stayed too long in an “abusive” relationship. We had three children, and some feel I should have taken them out of the house to protect them.

This is a difficult and sensitive issue to address because so many couples today do not stay together in circumstances like mine. Many cannot conceive of enduring hardship as I have. But I have been convinced that God has wanted me to keep the vows I made before Him.

I would not counsel wives to remain in the home if their husbands are physically abusive, or if they feel their children are threatened by severe emotional abuse. But my husband has kept his word for 45 years and has not hurt me physically since those incidents early in our marriage. He was not physically abusive to the children. And as difficult as he has been to live with, his treatment was never strong enough to lead me to seriously consider separation or divorce.

I have to shake my head here. I mean can we look at the news? BOY are we firm on abortion for example, but when it comes to abuse? We are WIMPY! We stand solid as a rock for unborn children, and when it comes to the foundation of the family? WELL! That's different! She got one point right! She can't change her husband, and she may need to accept the way he will always be. That's a HUGE step for most abused spouses. We allow ourselves to dream of that change, and give in to false hope. In some ways we are programed to! Why do I say that? Lets look to a verse she used before the revision.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

I mentioned before HOW OFTEN is the 'may' used compared to the 'may not'. She may have changed her article, but way to often do you see women shamed when they mention the 'may not' portion. I'm NOT going to tell you that people can't change their ways by watching and experiencing chaste and respectful behavior.

The part I still don't see is the addressing of his soul. This man may very well go to Hell. The abused spouse isn't always the best party to hold them to accountability. I will admit the church is very wishy washy this. "We don't know both sides of the story' type of deals. Its like they need to place secret cameras in the house so they can feel comfortable seeing the real deal! Remember you can't TELL them the cameras are there - people tend NOT to be themselves. lol I realize that won't happen. Just throwing it out there about how ridiculous it gets at times.

She says she mentions his sins, but what you don't read? His consequences for his sins. None. No boundaries. Nothing. Does anyone see the incentive to change? I don't! There are alot of men and women that don't have to go to great lengths to arouse some sense of morality and ethic out of their spouse. Her husband doesn't have to. The ways she describes things I'm sure she will tell you she was quite the nag. The nature of him as written? You think he would have an issue agreeing with that?!

Strength and wisdom

As I’ve grown in my faith during my marriage, I have relied on God to give me the strength and wisdom to stay with my husband and to keep our family together. I think about what the disciples learned during their time with Jesus. As Robert Coleman writes in his book, The Master Plan of Evangelism:

Following Jesus seemed easy enough at first. It soon became apparent that being a disciple of Christ involved far more—it meant the surrender of one’s whole life to the Master in absolute submission of his sovereignty. There could be no compromise. There was a cross in it—the willing denial of self for others. This was strong teaching. Not many people could take it.

The same is true in some marriages. It’s difficult to stay in a “one-way marriage”—where you are the only one making an effort to keep it going. There is a cross in it, and not many people can take it.

God has taught me many things through the years of heartache and disappointment.

Lets compare crosses here shall we?

The disciples of Christ's mission.

Versus being a victim of abuse due to a broken spouse.
See the difference? That isn't her cross! That is HIS cross to take up, and he needs to heal himself. She can't do that for HIM! It takes consequences when you are dealing with a person like she speaks of. Goodness knows there are other issues within marriage that are hurtful, and very hard to deal with. She is talking about a person that will NOT give an ounce of energy, and is more than willing to hurt her with no sense of remorse.

Telling your spouse, "I'm sorry" and then slowing going back to the way things were? The bible speaks of repentance as well. Your spouse is not your GOD, and if he is abusing you and your children? I just can't handle people saying they are your CROSS!

You may wonder how this applied to a difficult marriage. When you consider that
God is sovereign and rules over the universe, you realize that He is in control
of every person and circumstance in your life. Even if your husband is making a
poor decision, in the long run it will work for good. It does not mean God
causes poor decisions, but He may allow them so that He might receive glory and
mature our faith. You can never lose by being obedient to God.

She was talking about God's character here.

I don't know HOW she feels that bad decisions turn GOOD all the time for God's Glory. Can it happen? Sure. Personally, I think she is using part of that as an excuse for him.

I can think of situations like the early Christ followers dealing with torture because of their principals of not being STOPPED speaking about Christ. I can see men like Martin Luther King, Jr. knowing that one day he KNEW he would be killed for his cause. I can understand why some people risk their lifes to become missionaries, because to them the message of Christ is worth dying for.

These are honorable. Making excuses for an abusive spouse is NOT! There is a DIFFERENCE!

She changed her prayer portion, but I still don't agree with it!

Sometimes in our marriage I was angry or hurt, and I told my husband in a very unpleasant manner how I felt. I would try to make him feel guilty. I gave him books on how to meet your wife’s needs. I tried all the things that a human can try, without success. God showed me one day that I was trying to do His work—only He can change a person.

I also learned to pray and trust God with our children. My husband loved his children, but he did not make the effort to spend time with them or build a relationship with them. Just as he was with me, he was continually negative with them, and rarely had anything positive to say.

I found myself in the position not only of being the primary parent for my children, but also working with my husband to soften him and help him understand their needs. For example, if he was too harsh in disciplining a child, I would talk with him to help him think about whether his “punishment fit the crime.” When a child brought home a report card from school, I would encourage him to praise the child rather than just criticize for what he considered a low grade. It was a constant process.

Yet I also realized that sometimes I needed to depend on God. I remember one time in particular when I was upstairs in our home, and I heard my husband criticize our children with excessive harshness. It broke my heart. On other occasions I might have run down and defended my children or removed them from the room, but in this case I cried out to God. I asked God again to give me the strength to deal with my husband and to help my children understand their father. I prayed for my husband to cease his words to them at that moment. God answered each of those prayers.

Prayer is powerful. It can go where you cannot. It reaches inside your husband’s head and heart.

God’s way is so often different from ours. 1 Peter 3:1 tells us, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

sighhhhhh. Spiritual Pixie dust.

God has given me joy

Some people who hear my story feel that I have responded to a bad marriage by adopting some type of unrealistic, super-pious spirituality, or by hiding behind a shroud of “submissiveness” when the truly loving thing to do would have been to confront my husband. But both of these assumptions are far from the truth. Whether I kept my mouth shut or confronted my husband, the bottom line is that I feel like God wanted me to stick it out in my marriage and that there was no way I could do that without relying on Him. The essentials I’ve mentioned here have helped me to do just that, but I learned them over many years of trial and error as well as failed attempts to fix things on my own. I have certainly not practiced them perfectly. I’ve failed many times, and I’ve acted unbecoming of a follower of Jesus Christ. But confession and repentance bring me back to where I should be.

Do I still wish I had a husband like I’ve seen others have? Yes. Is it my ultimate goal? No. When I let go of my expectations and gave them to God, I was set free. He offers a joy that no one can steal and a peace that passes all understanding.

In a sense, God has become my sweetheart—one who loves me perfectly and never fails me. His companionship has become so real to me over time. I’m reminded of the verse in Isaiah 54:4 that describes God as a husband. So although I wish I could have had a loving husband, I wouldn’t trade that for the oneness I have experienced with God as a result of my trials.

I finally accepted that my marriage might not ever get any better. You might think that realization would plunge me into despair or hopelessness, but it was actually the opposite: I felt an incredible sense of freedom and peace as I released my marriage to God.

Someone once asked me how I would feel when my husband passes away. Would I be relieved that he couldn’t hurt me anymore or cause my life any more stress? My response was no. As God has helped me grow over the years, He’s also given me a genuine love for my husband. I released my marriage to Him, knowing that it would never be a fairy tale romance, and He has filled in the gaps where it fell short.

I am so grateful to God for teaching me these spiritual disciplines. Today my marriage is not the major struggle it once was. In our older age I have increasingly become a caregiver in our relationship because of his disabilities due to strokes, and our home has mostly become peaceful. God has given me great joy in life. You, too, can thrive in a difficult marriage and experience an intimacy with God you never thought possible.

I can see this article being helpful for those deep in denial, and able to view things so they look better. I seriously have to wonder WHY Family Life would tell a spouse that you need to use God as your rose colored glasses.

I think this lady may be surprised at how much relief - after her grieve of course - that death my bring her.

She reminds me of my grandmother. I didn't learn until I was adult that my grandfather had beat both my mother and grandmother during his life. I lived 1,000 miles away, and I guess that part of the family history was easy to hide. I knew my grandmother had an unhealthy view towards things, and when I found that out I knew why she did. She used it as a tool to endure the years of being beat and abused. I'm sure there came a time in which he stopped hitting her, but his verbal and emotional they didn't stop.

The saddest part? After 60 some years of marriage, and at an elderly age my grandmother for first time actually started to live when he passed away. I'm thankful she got that short period of time, but the reason it wasn't longer was because of the teachings she got at her church. She made him her cross, and he didn't get better. The church ignored it, and gave him a leadership role. The Southern Baptist Church made sure he got everything he wanted, but I don't think he ever had peace. You know the peace that the church was to help him find in his relationship with Christ? He didn't find PEACE in his authority and her submission. She on the other had peace during her life. Different types of peace, and the type of peace the author claims she has now.

I still think this article is irresponsible, and it doesn't give a good view of what you should do when your PEACE within the home isn't present. I'm not saying divorce, but YE SH why does the church always forget about the sinner? Ya know! Those are the ones Jesus came FOR!

A Faith Board that enables Emotional Abuse. Its a sad and irresponsible stand. Is that truly the family values they want to show? How to endure entitlment, Rage and Wrath? What? We can't show protection for the abused? She and her family need our prayers of enlightment, and to show what true peace can mean.

Faith Site Enables Emotional Abuse?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:11:55 PDT

I read an article on Family Life recently. The title of the article was Do You Have a One-Way Marriage? I was appalled that a faith site would enable emotional abuse, and somehow feel its okay to show others how the author endured the emotional abuse...and to show how YOU can TOO! What is wrong with this world!

Before you can know that peace and joy, you have a huge decision to make. Will you love Jesus more than you love yourself? How far are you willing to go in this love relationship? What holds you back? The better you know God’s character, the more your fears will dissolve. You cannot lose by living life God’s way.

Over the years my husband has been out of work several times. One of those times, he didn’t bother seeking a new job. He sat and played solitaire every day or watched television. This went on for a year and a half. I had a little part-time job, and when our extended family asked if I would get a full-time job, I said, “No. He needs the pressure.”

Of course, after many months I was sometimes concerned for the house and car payments and other expenses. Often I had little food in the house; but through a variety of ways, God met each of those financial needs. I’m glad I had matured in my faith before that time so that I knew not to nag but to trust God for everything.

At one point I fed my family with only $20 for two weeks. It was the worst our food situation had ever been. During those two weeks, God gave me unbelievable ways to stretch that $20. For example, eggs went on sale at a tremendously low price. I made pancakes, egg salad sandwiches, deviled eggs—all providing the protein for our meals.

You would think those two weeks were a dark time, but it was actually exhilarating as I started each day telling God, “I wonder how you’ll provide today.” I learned from that experience to have faith and depend on God without reservation.

Commitment to your husband is tied to your commitment to God. When you pull away from your husband emotionally, you’ll discover you have pulled away from God. If you toy with the option of leaving your husband or divorcing, then you will feel tossed about without God’s peace and presence.

I look at this portion, and I can see this story being handed to spouses that are enduring abuse within their homes. Its not done out of love, but as a weapon to guilt them in to staying. I mean LOOK at the message here!

You can't know peace and joy unless you learn to endure the abuse!

You can't say you love Jesus more than yourself if you will not endure the abuse of your spouse!

You do NOT know the character of God if you are NOT willing to do this in love, and allow God to dissolve your fears when you ask him to.

You are losing everything by not living life God's way! We are showing you HOW!

You commitment to God isn't there when you have to emotionally detach from an abusive person.

Here a faith site uses a women that enables her husband's sinful behavior as a tool for the church NOT to deal with domestic violence. YES you do NOT need to be HIT to be abused! Her husband needs help and an awakening, and he needs to realize that HIS relationship with God is HINDERED at this point!

Think about it! They are asking people to martyr themselves for marriage, and enable the abuse to continue upon themselves and the children. They are totally ignoring the broken person that is acting abusive towards his family. The church is failing this whole family by publishing this piece. She needs help and he needs it DESPERATELY!

Most people won't even grasp that part, because of the dripping manipulative statements about how you can't be right with God if you don't learn to endure.

Sometimes in our marriage I was angry or hurt, and I told my husband in a very unpleasant manner how I felt. I would try to make him feel guilty. I gave him books on how to meet your wife’s needs. I tried all the things that a human can try, without success. God showed me one day that I was trying to do His work—only He can change a person.

I remember one time in particular when I was upstairs in our home, and I heard my husband berating our children. It broke my heart. I wanted to run down and defend my children and remove them from the room, but instead I cried out to God. I told God that He promised not to give me more than I could bear. I reminded God that I had asked Him to protect my children from damage and to give me strength to not interfere. I also prayed for my husband to cease his words to them at that moment. God answered each of those prayers.

Prayer is powerful. It can go where you cannot. It reaches inside your husband’s head and heart. Often if a man is not a godly husband, he will not be a godly dad. As you pray and ask specifically, God will protect your children from your imperfect home and marriage.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

You know what bothers me most about the scripture she cites at the end, and when you look at the dynamics of domestic violence? The word MAY - they MAY be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, etc. It doesn't say they WILL - they MAY be won!

Since our total focus is to keep these people together at all costs the word MAY never turns into 'MAY NOT' ever! That's unheard of! May not? Nope. It doesn't compute with the church. Their way of again enabling the emotional abuse within this family. I have seen this verse used time and time again! Did you ever see an article mentioning the 'may not' part? NOT when they are trying to prove this point huh!

We also have this woman allowing her children to be abused, because she feels she can't stand up and protect them. She tells other victims that if they pray GOD will protect them so you don't have to. You have NO responsibility to help in anyway. God will protect them from the emotional abuse, and your mother NOT stepping in at all isn't enabling him to continue!

As we look to the next generations of this type of family she may see her children did have to deal with the effects the ungodly father placed upon them, and also the enabling mother that allowed herself to 'walk away' from her responsibility to her children.

I find this portion of the article totally irresponsible! They are telling wives to allow their spouses to continue to berate the children, and if you don't? WELL you don't have enough faith in God, because he will protect them ALWAYS! Why? She asked him to!

If there is one thing I have learned in my walk in faith is that God has three answers he uses to our prayers. Yes, No, and NOT now! To me she is using God as a crutch to not deal with her life, and uses very good heart tugging phrases to make others feel badly if they can't do the same.

Its a perfect weapon in the church's arsenal to keep people together, and NOT have to get their hands dirty!

I love cooking and trying new recipes. It takes planning and a lot of work to make a really nice meal. I was so disappointed the times my husband came home late without calling. Sometimes he would say, “What is this slop?”

For birthdays or anniversaries, I hoped for a surprise, a gift, or at least a card. I shared my expectations or gave modest suggestions of what I would like. Most years he gave little acknowledgment to the occasion and gave me nothing … or he gave me something he wanted. Through these experienced I learned to take my hurts to the Lord and ask Him to heal my heart.

Intimacy was another problem area. My husband was selfishly driven in the area of sex. He wanted sex, but not non-sexual affection.

If this area is difficult for you, just remember that God will reward your obedience. The major turning point for me was one instance when he wanted to make love and I did not, but God brought to my mind that I should anyway. As a result, we conceived the only one of our children that I birthed. This was particularly special because we struggled with fertility issues and never expected to be able to have children outside of adoption.

Part of loving your husband involves forgiving him daily. Keep short accounts and don’t let the negatives build up. When you do that, you give up the right to seek revenge. It brings peace for you and your home.

What does unconditional love look like? There is a great model of what commitment to love your husband should look like in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient, kind, not jealous and does not seek its own nor take into account a wrong suffered. Love bears all things and hopes all things. Love never fails.”

Denial reigns in the church, and using scripture to enforce it is the way to go!

She speaks nothing of the broken trust between the spouses. I suppose she blindly trusts him as well right? She assumes her forgiveness brings peace to her home.

I have to ask one question!

Does her husband seem at peace?

If he was at peace wouldn't the abuse stop? I'm not talking romance novel relationship after that, but a healthy one! If he was at peace he would be able to give his family a healthy, loving and peaceful home could he not? He might be able to show love as she cites in her scripture if that were the case - him being at peace.

Denial is not peace. Denial is a lie.

God has given me joy

I have not practiced these things perfectly. I’ve failed many times, and I’ve acted unbecoming as a follower of Jesus Christ. But confession and repentance bring me back to where I should be.

Do I still wish I had a husband like I’ve seen others have? Yes. Is it my ultimate goal? No. When I let go of my expectations and gave them to God, I was set free. He offers a joy that no one can steal and a peace that passes all understanding.

I am so grateful to God for teaching me these spiritual disciplines. My marriage is not the major struggle it once was. My relationship with my husband is basically peaceful, and God has given me great joy in life. You too can thrive in a difficult marriage and experience an intimacy with God you never thought possible.

None of us are worthy, but God always wishes for us to live in reality. God wishes her to have true peace, and her husband to have the same.

This man may lose his children, and she may have her heart broken when she found her children were NOT protected by her faith. You do NOT stop the cycle of abuse by enabling the abusive person to continue to abuse. You do NOT end the cycle of abuse by writing articles on how to enable the abuse, and then use scripture in a manipulative way to guilt you into staying.

These types of articles are the reason people LEAVE the church! We have Faith Sites that endorse articles that show others how to enable the emotional abuser. She may feel she has the strength to continue, but telling others they have no faith if you don't do it my way? We enable abusive people to continue, and we as the church don't bring that true healing we are called to show the path to.

What is wrong with people that bring the truth into the light? The truth may not always be easy to deal with, easy to shallow, and it may HURT alot! If the followers of Christ truly wish to show the world a light of hope they need to stop telling oppressed family members to martyr themselves for the sake of marriage stats. The people within that union are what is important to God, and denial of the issues just makes things worse.

This family needs help, and it screams THAT all over this article. This man needs Jesus, and he needs to turn from his abusive ways so that his relationship with God is not hindered.

I seriously have to ask Family Life which is more important! All the abusive souls in the world with their souls at stake, or the marriage stats they scream about to much? They may be able to save alot more marriages if they could deal with reality. Asking a wife to endure the abuse of her husband, and ignore the neglect and outright sin upon her children ISN'T the true way!

If you have the opportunity I would ask you to speak out LOUDLY against this type of article ENDORSED by Family Life! Our responsibility as faith followers is to step in and HELP all involved! We are not to just allow this woman to drown in denial, and show others to live with false hope. Do we step up and speak TRUTH, or do we allow faith sites to show others how to enable abuse? Abusive men are not entitled to abuse families, but articles like this tell them they ARE! Shame on THEM! SHAME! I'm praying for this family tonight, and I hope you will to.

Commercial showing the cycle of abuse

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 06:30:00 PDT

I found this commercial online about the cycle of domestic violence or domestic abuse. It seems to be a series, and is made in more than one language. Instead of showing all the different videos I found one with all of them in a row. Its shows the story of how a son grew up with domestic violence, and the cycle continued in his generation.

Village of Men Domestic Violence PSA - English from Jon Strocel on Vimeo.

This commercial shows a man that was brave enough to get help for himself and his family...and stop the cycle of abuse within his family.

I'm Honored!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:17:00 PDT

Just Be Real Left me a note yesterday!

Hannah, I have an award waiting for you in the post "Just Be Real Award." Come by and take of it dear one!

Isn't it pretty? Talk about someone with talent there huh? I love those birds!

What a sweet honor - Thank you Just Be Real! I placed it on my sidebar as well! Everyone should go over to the blog, and check out the neat collection of blogs she has awarded to others as well! WHILE you are there - check out Just Be Real and as well!

Thank you Lets Be Real - I'm truly honored!

Another Pro Life Movement - Domestic Violence

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 14:10:00 PDT

The Other Pro-Life Movement was an article I was reading on Today's Christian Woman. It was about: How to recognize and help rescue the battered women among us Authored by Corrie Cutrer.

Many years ago Catherine Clark Kroeger faced a decision that would influence her life's course. Serving alongside her pastor husband, Catherine became aware of a woman in her church whose husband was physically abusing her.

Incredibly, several influential church leaders discouraged Catherine from getting too involved. "To them, I was destroying the home by encouraging the woman to get away from the abuse," she remembers.

Then Catherine received a call from the battered woman's counselor, who said, "You've got to get either the husband or the wife out of the home, or you're going to have a murder."

So Catherine drove to the woman's house to pick her up and help her find shelter. "I decided preserving the life was more important at that time than preserving the family," Catherine says. It wasn't a popular choice among members of her congregation, but the woman likely is alive today because of it.

It amazes me that people value the marriage MORE the people within it! They can claim they don't all they wish to, but actions speak louder than words! For example, John wrote, “But whoever has the world’s goods, and beholds his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:17,18). If we say we love another believer but let him/her go on suffering when we have the ability to relieve his suffering, we don’t love him at all. Our actions contradict our words, and actions speak louder than words.

It was the first in a series of similar incidents that made Catherine realize the prevalence of domestic violence within Christian circles, and how women desperately need help. She went on to become a seminary professor, counselor at a local shelter, and coauthor of two books on domestic violence.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. And this statistic often excludes incidents of emotional and sexual abuse that go untold.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than cancer or traffic accidents. According to The American College of Obstetricians and Gyneco-logists, domestic violence is the cause of nearly a quarter million hospital visits every year.

When you look at the education seminars that are placed together with a faith aspect you notice whom is missing in actions within those meetings? Pastors. Clergy.

They can't tell me they are NOT aware of the stats out there that is harming countless men, women and children. They can't ignore how the cycle of violence is learned from one generation to other.

Its sad to see that women are leading this charge, and want to open the ears of the church! You see clergy close their minds, hearts, and ears to the message of oppression that so many people deal with in life. A small amount of BRAVE and HONORABLE men have decided to speak up, but what is sad to me? If men are the leaders why aren't they in great numbers, and leading the charge?

They say they care, but actions speak louder than words! James made a similar observation. “If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,’ and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? Even so faith, if it has no works is dead, being alone” (James 2:15-17). We can say we know the Lord, but if we are indifferent to the needs of other Christians, our actions contradict our words, and actions speak louder than words.

In their book No Place for Abuse (IVP Books), Catherine and coauthor Nancy Nason-Clark reveal that 83 percent of American and Canadian clergy interviewed during a six-year study shared that at some point in their ministry they've counseled a woman who has an abusive spouse or partner. Additionally, Paula Silva, cofounder of Focus Ministries, a small Illinois-based organization that reaches out to battered women, reports that her ministry alone received 2,000 calls, e-mails, and visits in 2007 from Christian women in abusive situations seeking help.

"Saying that abuse isn't happening to women within the church is like saying sin doesn't happen," says Paula, who's also coauthored Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis (Judson Press).

Catherine believes the church can create an environment where long-term abuse goes undetected. "Many churches today still promote a misplaced theology on the family where the husband's will always trumps the wife's, divorce is not an option, and submission is deeply misunderstood," she says. "We deny and minimalize abuse because we have this glorified concept of what the Christian family ought to be."

The article goes on to show the different forms of abuse, and it ended with:

Surprisingly, Paula says emotional abuse leaves the deepest scars in women. "It destroys the spirit," she says. "A woman tends to believe those false messages she's been told, even if she's out of the relationship. It's hard to shed the lies she's believed for so long."

That's why—regardless of the type of abuse—it's so important to get help.

Its strange to me how people realize they need to cherish the life of child, but it comes to the life of the mother? Actions speak louder than words.

Another Pro Life Movement - Domestic Violence - Please seek help with some of the resources listed on the sidebar of this blog if you need them.

Churches Becoming Shelters for Domestic Violence Victims

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:43:00 PDT

I saw this story recently, and it was based in Hawaii, and I have to admit my jaded side came out. Churches Could Soon Become Shelters for Domestic Violence Victims? 'Don't count on it' was my first reaction. I realize that isn't the best reaction, but it was coming from my GUT and experience.

KHON out of Hawaii mentioned due to huge budget cuts, etc they are looking to the church to help with this issue. They feel that it may cut close to the separation of church and state, but many other programs such as homelessness and food pantries are supplemented by churches. They hope the church will stand up and be counted, because its a HUGE need!

I hope they do to, but I wouldn't place any bets on it! You may get a couple of churches that did bother to educate themselves, but that's all you will get. A VERY small number!

Shelters need partnerships with churches

Before anyone gets upset with me lets keep in mind that not all shelters are alike. Some may have volunteers that are MORE trained than others, and some have alot of what I call newbies to the field. I wouldn't give up on a shelter after just one phone call in most cases. Chances are you may have had ONE person that wasn't your cup of tea. Personality conflicts and uneducated volunteers/staff do happen, but that doesn't always make up the whole organization. Call back and try to speak to someone else!

Families that are dealing with domestic violence need spiritual help along with help in the realm of safety. We need churches that don't get paranoid when this happens that a divorce is in the future, and set their eyes to quickly on restoration and reconciliation. They need to stick with the 'safety' portion for now. Shelters ask for help from churches all the time, and are ignored. That's plain sinful in my eyes!

BUT IS SECULAR! (shutter)

Churches, pastors at times have a really hard time thinking of how a 'secular' domestic violence shelter can help them. Goodness knows I have heard all kinds of opinions! The one I tend to hear the most? Its full of feminists that tell you to tear apart your family! That's not the purpose of the shelter! The first purpose is safety.

They can give resources, but its not their job to tell people what to do. Part of healing is learning proper decision making skills, and its a way of getting your sense of self respect back! You are the only one that knows your life enough to make your decisions or mistakes. Most shelters know if you talk someone into leaving - since they are in a emotional state - the chances of them coming down off that emotional state and returning to danger is likely to happen. That decision for safety can't come from the workers! It has to come from the victim!

Lack of support from churches HAS to change!

My shelter was located in a fairly large town of a couple hundred thousand people, and it has a TON of churches there! Our shelter helps a huge area, and that means more just that town its located in. They started to market their services and education to build relationships, so pastors and their churches had the tools to deal with domestic violence. The shelter taking on the safety portion, and the church taking the spirituality portion. They needed a game plan on HOW they could work together, and all the rest of the dynamics. Most shelters are open to this. They wanted plans they could both work with. This relationship needed to be built, because neither side could do justice by themselves. No one can be experts in everything...NOR should be!

You know how many faith based organizations - that included not just Christians responded? I think it was three. They didn't give up, and they are still there letting them know they are ready when they are. They had a few other churches that were really scared about what they were dealing with (domestic violence within their church), and just couldn't get past that fear of working outside the church. They don't know what happened to those women, men and children.
I will say they at least have a handful of what I call 'safe' churches to send people to that need their faith based advice and guidance. To me? That's disgusting...only a few.

Domestic Violence - What every Pastor needs to know!

I have to wonder if most pastors truly pay attention to the title of that book. If they do and see its about domestic violence and the church? I wonder how many more place it back on the shelf and keep looking.

Al Miles is a Pastor that speaks out and tries to educate pastors about domestic violence. He will attend conferences to speak on this subject, and guess who is normally missing in the audience? You GOT IT! Pastors!

He speaks in the book about how he is invited to speak at churches, but again WHO do you think was missing on the days he was there to speak? YOU GOT IT....PASTORS!

He started a policy that he would agree to speak IF the pastors would agree to attend the conferences they wanted him to put on. They agreed to this as well. What would happen then? They would be there at the start, but would disappear shortly afterwards. They had 'emergencies' ALWAYS! The stranger part of this? No emergencies would happen when he was asked to speak on other topics. Hmmmm. Mysterious huh?

He was asked to come to Wisconsin to speak one year, and the coordinators of the event sent out 1,200 invitations to clergy...and personally followed UP! That was only one portion of the groups of people that were invited. When they day came? He asked the clergy to stand up, and guess how many stood out of the 135 people? They had less than 10 pastors out of 1,200 that were invited.

This is what motivated him to start to write this book about domestic violence. His outrage over the avoidance of this issue. He wanted to know WHY that was! It would have to start he assumed with interviews, and he figured they would ask him his qualification and position on domestic violence. He had one woman pastor ask him. The rest of the pastors? They were concerned with his position on roles, doctrinal issues, denomination background, authority of scripture, divorce, homosexuality, how long has he been born again. No one seems to care about the issues surrounding his views on domestic violence within the church. Can we say pigeon hole?!

NOT in MY CHURCH!

I read a number of faith boards online, and also do alot of reading within the faith realm outside of the online world. I see alot of pastor comments about how this isn't happening within THEIR church! I was appalled at one clergy mentioning that they don't need to deal with 'social ills' of society. Others that mentioned they have encountered domestic violence decided they fixed the issue in their congregation toot sweet! As I watched them clear this off the discussion realm quickly you had to wonder how they did this ya know? Most of the responses? Denial was the strongest I have seen anywhere.

Pastor Al Miles it seems had alot of the same during his interviews with 158 clergy. He even mentioned if you hand them resources, and make sure you follow up with them and insist on a meeting so they will at least READ the material! You got it ... he found most didn't even want to go there! He was nicer in his book, but the attitude he speaks of is what frustrates me the most. Where are all the pastors? That is what everyone asks when education is offered, help is extended...and pastors never come. Something is seriously WRONG with this picture!

Clergy need to be a safe resource for those that are abused

If clergy think they are they need to read more of the stories and comments left on this blog. Most of the time clergy aren't a safe resource, and I have to tell you that was one of the biggest betrayals I experienced in my life. We tell our children the church is a safe, and alot of people engulf themselves in this bubble. We will have fellowship, accountability, and those that pray and help support us in troubling times. When it comes to emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse...well domestic violence within the church in general pastors have failed their flocks! I felt lied to and as if I had been kicked in the stomach. They aren't safe most of the time, and I feel awful telling victims to be VERY careful if they choose to approach their church.

People tell us we should have seen the red flags. We should have known better. We should have been more careful with whom we married. We made our bed and now we need to lay in it. What I find very frustrating is how small the amount of men that are brave enough to face this issue without all the excuses. They ask survivors to be stronger, pray more, have more faith ... yet their faith within this realm is clearly more lacking than ours. Fear and denial on their part is much stronger than what they ask of survivors. I hate to say this but it seems survivors faith seems to be stronger than the pastors that we ask help from. We are asked to ENDURE the abuse, and we DO! We strive to be better spouses. We try to grasp on to the words, 'he will not give you more than you can bare' because the church is to cowardly to help. That's the truth! The parroted scripture and the fact you can read on MOST church denomination statements on their stands on domestic violence...and how their pastors don't follow it shows that clearly! Its easy to write the statement out, but harder to follow up and actually DO IT! It pains me to say there is more lip service than action. Its truth that hurts deeply.

Churches Becoming Shelters for Domestic Violence Victims? I wonder if that miracle could happen in my lifetime.

It Takes Two To Tango!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 08:44:52 PDT

I have heard and read way to often the 'two to tango' phrase when people were confronted by hurtful cruel acts of a person acting abusive. Remember ABUSE IS A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR! I will admit at times early before I knew what I was dealing with I tended to engage with abusive people when I should have just choose another form of communication.

I don't know how many times I have heard people state to others that they don't have to fight. You make a choice NOT TO! What people didn't realize is that can backfire on you as well. It reminds me of the time in school in which a bully approached me in the lunch room, and I spoke to my mother about my fear. She told me I had a choice to turn and walk away. I told her this person would jump me at that point. Instead of acknowledging that point she told me not to be silly about this.

I think I learned from childhood how to detach from a situation, and I have to say it has its place. I won't tell you its the best way to handle things. I don't believe it is. I remember taking the advice about how to make that choice NOT to fight. I was then accused of ignoring, withdrawing, etc.

I was then told that I needed to use boundaries. No matter what HOLD your line! I wasn't asking for anything unreasonable. I was asking for communication without raging, name calling, blameshifting, etc. I learned a new lesson:

When you are again thrown off balance by your difficult person's words or behavior...you again get to relearn that hard lesson that is inevitably learned by everyone who tries to get close to a fool: To love a fool is like hugging a fan; you will only be sliced up in the process.

This 'it takes two to tango' really confused me at that point. Okay. I have tried all the above, and MORE..so much MORE! Him? If you look at that portion you will see that most people are cowards on that front. They did not fear my reaction to their advice, but it seems they were of his! Instead of acknowleding his behavior for what it was I was asked to 'change myself' only. I was given no validation that what he was doing was wrong. If it was mentioned it was pretty much in passing.

I have to wonder HOW people are to grow as others wish them to, and change in a way that is healthy when you can't acknowledge the dynamic that is there? I didn't fight back, and I got thrashed for it. I walked away and I got jumped just like the child in the lunch story I mentioned. I detached and I did see him for what he was, and I learned pretty quick at that point that the world COULDN'T!

Quote by Nancy Edwards that moved me.

Jesus is good and pure; our motives are always mixed.
Jesus speaks words of life; we speak words that protect our own sense of reality.
Jesus loves sinners and judges sin; we judge sinners and ignore sin.
Jesus is wise; we are dogmatic.
Jesus sees people’s hearts; we see their defenses.
Jesus is very attractive to needy people; we are often the last place they would come.

I remember that hint of blame towards me when I woke up. You know the saying! YOU are just looking for the easy way OUT! It takes TWO to TANGO!

You know how that made me feel?

I figured out that their answers were setting me up to lose. I could never win or even make any headway if they couldn't acknowledge the evil I was dealing with. I couldn't make it better if I molded myself into their perfect person that didn't do the dance of the tango. If I learned to NOT FIGHT, and detach myself from the venom and used boundaries ... take wouldn't change the dynamics.

If you can't acknowledge evil behavior you are just enabling it!

Sanctuary for the Abused had an article today that linked to another article called, Blaming the Victim of Narcissism.

Barbara at Sanctuary for the Abused had a comment to her post that I wanted to share:

A group of guerrilla fighters burst into an evangelical church, during Sunday service, in South America. "Everyone who proclaims to Love the Christ, must stay and be shot! the rest of you can leave."

Within minutes the church was nearly empty. The congregation exited out the windows and doors. In the end, only 3 remained; waiting to be killed.

The guerrilla fighters immediately threw down their guns and proclaimed:
"My fellow BRETHREN! now that we have rid ourselves of the hypocrites, let us worship our Lord in Truth!"

I think we all wonder if we would be the ones that fled, or the ones that stayed don't you think?

The three that remained at times remind me of the percentage of church goers that will acknowledge the dynamics of domestic violence in its true form. I look at the ones that preached to me about how I need to change myself, and yet they were afraid to acknowledge what was truly happening to me were hypocrites as well.

I have seen and heard from so many people feeling that they can't worship the Lord in Truth, because in their world there isn't any. People have told them they are JUST as evil, and they are looking for the easy way out. They are told to change themselves, and don't worry about your spouse. They see these huge hurtles and large mountains...and they are tired...they don't know if they can prove themselves any longer. They just aren't good enough for Jesus. The spirit is being stripped, and their sense of self worth is disappearing all together. They hear we are rags compared to Jesus..but that rag has an extra meaning that others can't comprehend. People stop them from feeling the love, compassion and mercy. I don't think those that are ignorant realize what a stumbling block they are handing these suffering people, nor do those people choose to view it to close either.

Barbara's article today is quoted as saying:

Since when is it good to be friendly with bad people? Since when is winking at their wrongdoing a virtue?

Perhaps someone can quote chapter and verse in the comments, because holier-than-thous really deserve to have their religion's true teachings show what frauds their twisting of religious doctrine makes them.

In the New Testament, in Revelations, I believe, in one of the letters to the churches, some holier-than-thou Christians are read the riot act for that very same pretense.

The author unloads both barrels at them with this truth: "Good people are not lukewarm toward evil.' Its says.

Cowards Are.

The article she linked to began:

The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame.

Not one bit.

In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.

The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?

Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?

Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.

The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.

The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.

If people tell you that it takes two to tango...ask them when the behavior of the abuser would be acceptable? When is it acceptable to attack with rage, wrath, name calling, blameshifting? Why would they think their mininizing of that fact would be acceptable to Jesus? Would Jesus say it takes two to tango, or would he call out evil for what it is!

Online Abuse Support Board

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 08:04:36 PDT

I mentioned a new Online Abuse Support board a couple of months ago, and they have now started a home page and permanent address. Our Place has a new address, and I would encourage those readers that could use some real time support to go and check it out.

They recently put a page up that speaks about some of the adminstrators, under the Who Are We? page, and also have a quick link to the forum.

I personally have found alot of the contributors very helpful to me, along with so many others. They do have a faith section as well.

If you feel that you could use some support, and you are not clear where to turn I would encourage you to come to Our Place. There are also other places of support that I have listed in the past, and have tried to post them in the link section of my blog. This has a been a good place for support of abused women, support of abused husbands, and YES there has been children there was well! They have had people from all walks of life come there, and many discussions about abuse and your faith.

If you feel isolated and alone please find a way to reaching out to find some sort of support. This is online abuse support board, but its just one step to helping find healing in your life! If write about domestic violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse I would personally appreciate you taking a look at this board, and then spreading some link love to get the word out!

Escape Button

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:36:19 PDT

I made an escape button today. When you click on that escape button you will be sent to google.com.

I figured I would share the html in case anyone else wished to place that on their blog.

Click on the graphic below to understand what I'm talking about!

I have placed the html code in a scroll box below, and all you have to do is copy it and paste it into a html gadget for blogger.
Delete the
< br />
at the beginning, and the

< br /> at the end. I can't figure out HOW to delete it!

Use your notepad program on your computer to do this. Other programs strip the html in a way that is NOT use able.

Emotional Abuse and Your Faith Interviewed

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:09:36 PDT

Recently, Waneta Dawn author of Behind the Hedge and myself (Hannah Thomas) of Emotional Abuse and Your Faith were interviewed on Blog Talk Radio by Sista Girl Speaks Up. She also had on her show two gentlemen: James Walker and Pastor Arthur Thompson.

I thought I would post it in case anyone was interested in listening to us speak about domestic violence within the church.

Wives, Submit to your Husbands?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 12:53:24 PDT

I saw a video posted on YouTube that I wanted to share. It was a man that was responding to something he said joking around, and someone took it really serious. He was then reminded of his leadership and authority within the home. He was joking about pets in the family, and how certain dogs were HIS and the others were his wifes! He was being humorous. Here is his response about how men can take advantage of certain verses - even about Wives, Submit to your Husbands! He was addressing the person reminding him about his authority.

There always seems to one that has to bring up the verse in Genesis (3:16), and how God placed the order down there. I have to scratch my head in confusion everytime someone does this. We are talking about a curse - which I would assume to MOST people would be mean 'bad' no? The man will rule over her being a curse, and yet it is used as tool to have women obey men seems to contradicts how you are to deal with curses.

I mean if you know God had cursed someone do we use that curse to your advantage? Is that correct? People can say that is a consequence. Okay. So what are they saying? God says its okay to take advantage of people's consequences then? We are talking about personal responsibilities and not something wartime here by the way!

Part of that passage speaks about pain in childbirth as well. Are we in sin when we use things to sooth that pain as well? I mean some ladies use breathing, exercise among other things to make the pain of childbirth more tolerable.

Why is it acceptable to ease childbirth, and then go in a completely different direction for the 'rule over' part? I mean we wish to EASE the curse of the pain of childbirth, and then use the 'rule over' you as something you don't wish to ease? So lets ease one portion of the curse and NOT the other! Does that make sense to anyone else?

The bible calls for the man to love his wife. We see scripture has a definition of what love is:

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 GW I may speak in the languages of humans and of angels. But if I don't have love, I am a loud gong or a clashing cymbal. (2) I may have the gift to speak what God has revealed, and I may understand all mysteries and have all knowledge. I may even have enough faith to move mountains. But if I don't have love, I am nothing. (3) I may even give away all that I have and give up my body to be burned. But if I don't have love, none of these things will help me. (4) Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. (5) It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. (6) It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. (7) Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up. (8) Love never comes to an end. There is the gift of speaking what God has revealed, but it will no longer be used. There is the gift of speaking in other languages, but it will stop by itself. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will no longer be used. (9) Our knowledge is incomplete and our ability to speak what God has revealed is incomplete. (10) But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will no longer be used. (11) When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I no longer used childish ways. (12) Now we see a blurred image in a mirror. Then we will see very clearly. Now my knowledge is incomplete. Then I will have complete knowledge as God has complete knowledge of me. (13) So these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the best one of these is love.

So if you look at the above definition of what God says is love why comments like, "Someone has to be in charge! He gave men that responsibility!" Its in the bible that women are to 'obey' us. We are the HEAD and have the last word! I mean does 'ruling over her' mean love? Do that line up with the scripture we find? Sounds like pride and arrogance to me!

I don't take issue with men and women within marriage yielding to one another. I mean that makes sense for harmony doesn't it? Does 'ruling over her' do the same thing? It would seem it would cause disharmony within the relationship, but so many men feel entitled to that. They claim they are the LEADERSHIP within the home! Remember SOMEONE has to be in charge right? We need to look to scripture for the definition of leadership!

Matthew 20:20-28 GW Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her two sons. She bowed down in front of him to ask him for a favor. (21) "What do you want?" he asked her. She said to him, "Promise that one of my sons will sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom." (22) Jesus replied, "You don't realize what you're asking. Can you drink the cup that I'm going to drink?" "We can," they told him. (23) Jesus said to them, "You will drink my cup. But I don't have the authority to grant you a seat at my right or left. My Father has already prepared these positions for certain people." (24) When the other ten apostles heard about this, they were irritated with the two brothers. (25) Jesus called the apostles and said, "You know that the rulers of nations have absolute power over people and their officials have absolute authority over people. (26) But that's not the way it's going to be among you. Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant. (27) Whoever wants to be most important among you will be your slave. (28) It's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people."

Does that sounds like SOMEONE has to be in charge? Jesus said that we are NOT to have absolute authority over people, and yet it is preached to often that MEN are to have that authority. Wives, SUBMIT to your HUSBANDS! Absolute authority in some denominations - yet Jesus says that is NOT to be SO! I would assume because it goes against his defination of love!

Someone recently called to my attention Landover Baptist church. Its NOT a real church. In fact it tends to mock the counterdictions they see within the church, and BOY does it make the church MAD!

The church can make all the excuses they want about how that ISN'T what they mean in those scriptures! That is HOW some men view them, and what the author of the first video's point was! YET others seem to have this URGE to remind us of Genesis 3:16.

Some men claim due to Eve being the first to sin that is way things are the way the are! Can I giggle back and remind them WHOM was the first to lie? It wasn't Eve! Adam lied and tried to NOT take responsibility for his actions. Funny how the 'Eve' portion you hear alot about, but that Adam characteristic? WELL - that so does NOT apply does it? (No. I don't think all men are like that! NOR do I think all women are easily deceived!)

To me those that push the WIVES submit to your husband, because EVE was easily deceived so that makes all women so...and that is WHY we must 'rule over' you crowd pretty dangerous. I mean if they believe that do they believe men tend to be lairs and blame shifters? If so, what makes them good leaders? You can't use ONE portion of scripture and NOT use the other in the same WAY!

Muslim women speak out about domestic violence

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:19:00 PDT

The Buffalo news has a story about some Muslim Women in the Buffalo area that are SPEAKING OUT against what had happened to Aasiya Zubair Hassan, and about martial abuse within the Muslim home as well.

We hear alot about the silence in the Muslim community over this awful tragedy, but there have been those that are speaking out!

They also want to give people a glimpse of what the lives of Muslim women in Western New York are like. Because those lives, they admit, often seem to outsiders to be shrouded in mystery.

It’s easy for people to see the garb they wear, the women said, and make assumptions about female repression in Muslim- American culture, especially where career opportunities and marital relationships are concerned.

“It bothers me that the headscarf is such a barrier,” said Ahmed, 38.

The three women said they do see one great good arising from the horrific death of Aasiya Hassan: a new openness about domestic violence, both within and outside of Muslim relationships.

“So much good,” said Ahmed, speaking with conviction, “is going to come from her tragedy.”

If you go to the link above there is also a video that you can watch in which these women are interviewed!

They said they want to commemorate her death each February with outreach and educational initiatives centering on domestic violence.

And, they are working to strengthen a fledgling domestic violence group that has existed at their mosque in Amherst for three years, called RAHAMA, or Resources and Help Against Marital Abuse. Rahama is also an Arabic word which means “mercy.”

The group, which meets at the mosque’s community center, will attempt to educate Muslim women about domestic violence, and provide them with links to services and shelters available in Western New York.

I think that is awesome idea! The story describes the three women, and notes their careers. They call come from different backgrounds and experiences. Some of them knew Aasiya Hassan.

The women acknowledged that girls in Muslim communities are raised differently from boys, and lead different lives as wives and mothers. But, in their view, that doesn’t mean those lives are less valued.

“Women and men have certain roles, and they are complementary roles, but they are not the same,” said Arman, 44.

The women said they reap great benefits by being, in 2009, both regular American women and people of Islamic faith and tradition.

“Being a Muslim woman in America is the best scenario,” said Ahmed. “The best.”

The women from Masjid Noor, the mosque on Heim Road in Amherst, said they knew Aasiya Hassan at arm’s length, which is the way she seemed to relate to many people.

Experts on domestic violence said that’s a classic signal of a woman in trouble: a victim keeps others at bay, does not socialize, and lives a life of increasing isolation.

“That was a common pattern,” said Laura Grube at Child & Family Services Haven House, of Aasiya’s case.

At the mosque, Aasiya Hassan was quiet and did not draw attention to herself, though she was the wife of a TV executive well known in the community.

But they did notice a few troubling signs. How despondent Aasiya often seemed. The way she hung back from socializing with the “sisters” at the bright, bustling mosque: women who like to chat, laugh, and compare notes about their families and jobs.

“She had the typical signs of domestic violence,” said Ahmed. “And I never assumed. I never thought. We never approached her –never reached out to her. We felt really bad about that. Really guilty.”

I think this is NOT unusal behavior for anyone. Most people aren't going to assume things, and do ignore the signs of domestic violence.

No ‘honor’ here

As for a so-called “honor killing,” the women disagreed strongly with the label –a hot-button phrase – that has been applied to Aasiya’s slaying. Most prominently, the president of the state’s NOW office, Marcia Pappas, recently called the incident an “honor killing” and refused to retract her statement in the face of opposition from local domestic violence groups.

Tabbaa said the tradition of “honor killing” in the Middle East has to do with fathers and brothers taking action when a woman in their families became pregnant out of wedlock.

Tabbaa said she was explaining the traditional concept of the phrase –not justifying or defending it –so that there would be better understanding of what it means in the Western world, in the wake of Aasiya’s death.

It has nothing to do with a husband- wife relationship, she said.

“That is not for the husband. The husband is not allowed to kill. The husband has a way out: divorce,” said Tabbaa. “Honor killing is about the dignity of the family.”

These women, as well as many domestic violence experts in Western New York, see Aasiya’s killing as an act of domestic violence, pure and simple.

“Honor killing was not the killing of Aasiya Zubair,” Tabbaa said. “It had nothing to do with religion. It was ... an evil, controlling man. What a sick man.”

I'm not a Muslim, but in college I did alot of different studies of different faiths. In my Christian college we had a number of courses covering different aspects of faith. I actually enjoyed it personally.

I do agree that I don't view this as an honor killing. I had a person disagree with me over the fact the man beheaded her, but I don't think that aspect makes it a proper defination. From what I have studied the aspect of 'honor killing' has more roots within the middle east and their culture. I don't get the impression that is a faith aspect, but more of a cultural one. You have a number of people moving to the West, and they are attempting to bring that part of the culture with them. From what I read there are a number of cultural aspects they are attempting to bring, and in some ways being accepted and others flat out rejected.

Me & the Mosque - Women in Islam is a documentary I found on youtube. These women are speaking about some of the aspects that have begun to change due to culture, and NOT faith being introduced. Another film that I found interesting was Jihad: Struggling with Islam . 'Jihad: Struggling with Islam' chronicles the struggle of one woman to reconcile her Self with the faith she was born into. A faith she has felt no real connection with until September 11, 2001. As the tragedy of that day unfolded, Hina Khan repeatedly thought "Please don't let it be a Muslim, please don't let it be a Muslim". That event led to a rude awakening which forced her to come to terms with what it means to be a Muslim and if this was a religion she wanted to be a part of.

The Toronto-born 34 year-old broadcaster documents her journey as she meets a variety of Muslims from open and inclusive progressives to fundamentalists who celebrated the events of 9/11. This powerful, personal, first-person film was filmed in Toronto, Canada and London, England.

I think this aspect isn't looked into as much as it should be, and I think when it isn't it raises the ignorance and fear of this faith. We have all heard the awful stories of how they treat women and children within the middle east, but if you take a closer look at alot of the muslims in different parts of the world...they don't all agree with that culture of oppression.

I'm glad these muslim women came out to speak about domestic violence within this faith. I hope they have other mosques as well that do the same. Oppression of women in any faith when it comes to domestic violence should be talked about and STOPPED at all costs!

Group will bring HOPE to local Parishes!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 06:45:00 PDT

Catholic San Francisco has a group of people in San Franciso, California to help bring a light of HOPE to local Parishes! They will to help their local churches have an resource to deal with the evil of domestic violence.

The Ministers of Light, an emerging group organized by lay Catholics in the Archdiocese of San Francisco, aims to shine a torch in a very dark place - the lives of those suffering from the effects of domestic violence.

The group looks to fill a gap in the pastoral care available for fellow survivors and to raise awareness of domestic violence in local parishes, Marisela Sookraj, founder of the group and a survivor of domestic violence, told Catholic San Francisco.

Sookraj said that while faith communities are often the first place a survivor will turn to when looking for services and counseling, many churches are ill equipped to handle the situation. Her goal is to train and install lay ministers to serve as in-house resources and advocates for survivors of domestic violence in each of the archdiocese's 89 parishes.

They aren't asking the churches to add to their already full plates, but giving them a resource to turn to when they are faced with families dealing with domestic violence within their church.

The group also recognizes that some people have left the church due to the non-response, and are asking them to come back and help with this effort!

She also said the group will not seek to saddle overworked pastors with an additional burden.

"The effort is about offering priests a resource in their community to respond to domestic violence," Sookraj said. "It's certainly not about inundating priests who already have a lot on their plates."

To that end, Sookraj said she only asks for priests' support in identifying parishioners who may be interested in taking domestic violence intervention and prevention training, and for their help in publicizing the group.

Maria Rosales-Uribe, fellow Mission Dolores parishioner and a lay facilitator who worked with Sookraj when she was in the parish's catechumenate program, said this approach is important.

"We need priests' support, but we don't want to add anything to their agenda," Rosales-Uribe said. "We're making it a grassroots movement from the people, bottom-up."

Contact information in case you are in their area:

For more information, contact Ministers of Light at (415) 625-2710 or ministersoflight@gmail.com.

According the article the Catholic church has a position on domestic violence that I feel is rarely seen!

Sherie Querol Moreno, community outreach coordinator at CORA, said the Ministers of Light campaign is an important step toward making the Church a helpful environment for survivors of domestic violence.

"Many folks don't realize the position of Church from the bishops' statement in 1992 declaring abuse as that which breaks up families, not divorce," Querol Moreno said. "It is okay for both parties to seek help, because there is help available. People should not be afraid to speak up."

I wish this group great success, and I truly hope the area parishes take advantage of this wonderful asset to their resources to help those within their church. This group sounds like they can bring great hope to their local parishes!

Story of a man being abused!

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 08:16:00 PDT

Just to be fair I wanted to share this story. I speak about how domestic abuse does happen to men as well, and I truly believe it! This story is NOT faith based, but it shows the irrational mindset of an abuser.

Helen Sun, 37, told police she wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving. She changed the locks on their bedroom door and, while he was sleeping Monday, handcuffed herself to him, authorities said.

Drawbaugh was able to dial 911 from his cell phone. Nearly out of breath, he told dispatchers he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down, according to a recording released by police.

Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him.

"Owwww!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. "Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!"

Asked by dispatchers why his wife was attacking him, Drawbaugh said he divorced her. He also said she has a history of violence.

Officers who went to the home in Fairfield heard Drawbaugh screaming for help and forced their way in through the front door.

Drawbaugh was treated at a hospital, police said. Sun told investigators that restraining Drawbaugh was the only way she could get him to speak to her, authorities said.

With domestic violence we speak alot about power and control, and how abusers get out of control once they feel they have lost that from their victims.

In this example, she handcuffed herself to him while she slept. She also changed the locks to the bedroom so he couldn't get out. Notice she used tools to make sure she could keep what control she had left. In her desperation while he called 911 for help? She starts biting him.

Here is the 911 call, and you can hear this man trying to defend himself as she bites him in the arm. Her behavior shows another aspect of controlling behavior when they realize things aren't the way they want them. She feels enough entitlement that restraining someone in this way makes total sense to her. Wouldn't surprise me if she has narcissist traits about her as well.

Irrational minds are not just with men! To me this story is clearly a man that is being abused. If she had other weapons in the room with her she could have killed him. People can say they don't know the other side of the story, and make all the excuses they want to. I can't think of ONE that would be rational in this case! I hope the guy gets a restraining order. Goodness knows he has MORE than enough proof needed for one!

I don't know about you, but I felt for this man as I listened. I realize she was arrested, and I hope she gets help. She deserves some jailtime, but with the justice system the way it is? You have to wonder.

Series of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse you hear, feel, and see

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:37:15 PDT

I was asked to put a page together that linked all the videos together. You can clearly see, hear and almost feel the abuse this man uses with his family.

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation

Entitlement, Minimize and Divert

Do as I say and NOT as I do!

Abuser tears down the children as well.

Compare church approach verus Super Nanny towards domestic violence

Damage of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse

Building Back Trust after Domestic violence

Domestic Violence - Can they change?

Damage of domestic violence, and the hard road to healing

Series of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse you hear, feel, and see using a recently Super Nanny Show.

Abusive Religion - What about the children?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 08:15:57 PDT

An Open Letter to Those who Have Experienced Abuse at the hands of Religion is an article written by Dakota O'Leary. Its a viewpoint from an adult child that grew up watching domestic violence within her home, and how the church enabled it to continue.

I think its an important peice for people to read due to all the comments you get a church about the damage you do to your children if you separate or divorce. From what you can read of Dakota's life it seems her father and the church did the damage instead. People don't stop to think about that part to much do they?

She starts by saying:

Spousal abuse is a difficult subject to talk about anyway, but when you add religion to it, it becomes a prison like no other for the faithful who are abused. For the woman who is faithful, abuse becomes a matter of faith and submission a religious maze that is impossible to navigate through. And by the time an abused woman navigates it, she uses precious time that she could have been using getting help.

The family does need help, and it has nothing to do with lack of submission. It is a very difficult subject to talk about, and I see people making excuses for themselves saying its an isolated situation, it doesn't happen as often as people would have you think, etc. Human nature it seems to me likes to mininize what is happening in homes, and think it can't be happening within their church.

Pastors have little training in this area, and since there is this HUGE push for you to NOT go outside the church for help you have abuse and ignorance instead.

In the 80’s, spousal abuse was just starting to be widely publicized. My mother never called a crisis counselor. She never sought outside help. The reason why was because Worldwide told everybody that psychology was bunk, and if you trusted psychology, then you weren’t trusting God. Marriage counseling was only for pastors, and seeking outside professional counselling was taken as a lack of faith not only in the pastorate, but worse, in God. How many countless abused women hid their abuse like my mother did, never daring to seek outside help, because they feared what God would think of their lack of faith?

Women are called the weaker vessel, and that defination to that phrase is added to so often. If you look at the faith of abused people within the church you can clearly see even in their neglect by everyone around them they have strength. That strength within their situations are never really looked at. They live within war zones, and the church make things worse by their advice and guidance. Their pride refuses them to reach out for the education they need to understand WHAT they are dealing with, and how they could be a blessing instead of a hinderance!

And the worst part was watching my mother punish herself. If she could be more submissive, the abuse would stop–or so she thought. She prayed more, she submitted herself to the point of subjugating who she was until she no longer knew who she was. For her the abuse was a matter of faith. If she had enough faith, she reasoned, God would stop the abuse. And of course, this never happened. I prayed too. I prayed to God to make the violence stop. And he never did stop it. And so the abuse was looked at by our family as a test of faith. Suffering makes a person more holy according to Christian tradition, and this was the very thing that enabled the abuse to continue and escalate.

Much to often the punishing of themselves is what the victims do. The church continues to tell them to 'do it better', and the abuse will stop. Its your place in life to carry this cross! Be nicer and how them your love and respect, and they never stop to see how this enables the abuse to get worse.
For me, as the child of an abusive household that was also a very deeply religious household, seeing and article like this is a confirmation that we were not alone. But it comes 20 years too late. How much suffering could my mother have avoided if we’d stood up against the abuse and just left the church? How much suffering could have been avoided if our own church would have stepped in and stopped the abuse immediately? How much spousal abuse goes on in fundamentalist conservative churches today? For me, the costs have been heavy. I have never had a successful relationship because I don’t trust men. The relationships I have been in have all been with men who were mentally or physically abusive. I fear men, and seven years of counselling has been very slow in helping me trust them. I especially do not trust “religious” men from any religious background, and I do not trust churches. Consequently, I don’t go to church, and I don’t miss church. I don’t feel the need to find a “church home,” and I credit that experience at home with my more liberal beliefs. I am not a Christian, and I am not an atheist. I follow an alternative faith that speaks to love, to respecting nature, and to seeing God in everything. And surprisingly, I also credit that experience of religious abuse for my interest in religion today. At first my scholarly interest in religion was to answer the question “Why does religion make people do things that they would never do if someone off the street told them to do it?” And in answering that question I also discovered what a lovely thing religion can be, how much beauty is inherent in all the world’s religions, and how far we have to go in order to use religion wisely. For religion in the hands of the wrong people is a loaded gun pointed at the heads of the people who follow religious leaders, including pastors. Religion has the great ability to destroy lives for it encourages people not to think for themselves. It brainwashes people into believing that they should put up with anything, any difficulty, in order to be close to Christ. Laws are followed, and much of the time it seems to me that the love is left behind. Men of faith love the scriptures that point out they are the spiritual leaders of their home, but forget about the verses in which they are directed to love their wives and treat their wives as they would treat their own bodies.

I don't think the church stops to think about the lives they destroy when they make their excuses about NOT dealing with clearly sinful behavior. They don't stop to think that Jesus didn't deal with things like abusers do. The husband in this case was to model his love towards his family, and instead he was told he had the right to abuse them due to his 'God given' authority.

The author had some scripture for those pastors:

Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of My pasture!” declares the LORD. Therefore thus says the LORD God of Israel concerning the shepherds who are tending My people: “You have scattered My flock and driven them away, and have not attended to them; behold, I am about to attend to you for the evil of your deeds,” declares the LORD. Then I Myself will gather the remnant of My flock out of all the countries where I have driven them and bring them back to their pasture, and they will be fruitful and multiply. “I will also raise up shepherds over them and they will tend them; and they will not be afraid any longer, nor be terrified, nor will any be missing,” declares the LORD. Jeremiah 23:1-2, (NASB ©1995)

The church speaks alot to parents about being the proper role model for their children. How they are to show them the way that is right. Children like this author know that part of their message is wrong, and it seems to me the church is to proud to admit it.

In Proverbs: Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

In the author's case they trained up the child to see that beating is justified.

My own mother grew up being beat, and watching her mother being beat as the church rose him up the ranks of leadership. I hear the church speak about the lost people in the world, but they clearly can't take the log out of their own eye to see the counterdiction of their own messages. They claim they stand up and speak against sin, but yet as domestic violence goes on within the church they are silent. Why they can't see that the secular world isn't the only one lost I don't understand personally. They will speak out about certain sins, but others they remain silent. I have wonder what is going thru God's mind as he watches this.

If you are a pastor condoning domestic violence in your church,by your inaction and using any of the above Biblical “excuses” to blame the woman for getting hit, then you ought to quit pastoring. I would not want to be you when it comes time to be held accountable to Jesus Christ for the way you are pastoring your church. Violence is ALWAYS wrong. Domestic violence is ALWAYS wrong, it is not of God, and if you think it is, then you need more help than you are giving to your pastorate. I credit one pastor in 17 years who tried to stop the violence in my home. I credit him with saving my faith in Christ and in God. If I have any faith at all it is because one man tried to stop the abuse; but by the time he got to my family, it was too late. My parents, thankfully, ended up getting divorced, and when my dad contracted terminal cancer, he apologised to my mom. But an apology, however heartfelt, does not wipe away the damage caused by the years of abuse. My mother no longer goes to church; she does not trust any church, and like me, distrusts men of faith who are in positions of power. Yet, unbelievably, she still retains a strong faith in God. And that is to her credit that she does, for women of faith who endure abuse with no end in sight prove that women are strong. The thing is, women of faith who are being abused have nothing to prove. They suffer needlessly, their faith suffers, and the church suffers as long as abuse goes on hidden, the elephant in the room everyone can see but does nothing about. I have only managed to retain the belief that religion has beauty in it through extensive counselling, medication, and my own willingness to study and discover for myself what religion should be. And I am grateful to God/Spirit for the ability to believe at all.

This story isn't all that uncommon, and people can sweep it under the carpet as much as they wish. It won't change the reality that they refuse to see.

Religion ... Faith ... What God wishes from us is different from the realities that we are now dealing with due to NOT seeing domestic violence within the church for what it is. SIN! The abuser needs help, and yet they are enabled. Children are damaged along with the rest of the family. The authors family stayed together for the most part, and look at the damage it did!

Abusive Religion? It can be if you shut your eyes and pretend it HAS to be the victim that is causing this. What about the children? This story shows what can happen, and so maybe we need to rethink our theories.

Matthew 18:6 "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 7 Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!

In this case it would be more than just Daddy huh?

Gaining control: Domestic violence is a bigger problem than some believe

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 09:15:00 PDT

Gaining control: Domestic violence is a bigger problem than some believe, and I hear all the time about how this is such a small problem.

Victims are female and male -- but females are more commonly abused. However, the level of violence inflicted on a male victim is likely to be much more severe and more often fatal when they come from females perpetrators, according to Caryn Burton, training director for the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

She mentions in the video that due to women having less physical strength if they are going to attack they are going to use weopons. They need the woepons as a tool to overcome the fact that men are stronger.

This video she speaks about men being victims as well, and then goes on to speak about the dynamics of these relationships.

Here is a link that speak about her presentation on domestic abuse.

Daily World

It's also a crime that is commonly repeated over and over again without intervention.

"Domestic violence is about gaining and maintaining power and control. You'll hear people say he was angry. He was drunk. He was high. He was having an affair. No, domestic violence is about gaining the power in a relationship and maintaining control over that partner so what happens, what's said, what's done, what is expected, all of that comes back to that power partner and that is the person who is in control. It is a crime of power and control and nothing else."

Caryn Burton, training director for the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Inc

The second video speaks about the most common profession group among domestic violence perpetrators are member of clergy.

The most common profession group among domestic violence perpetrators are members of the religious clergy, according to Burton.

"Clergy, faith leaders, lay ministers, ministers, who has more authority than God? There are all sorts of passages in the Bible and in scripture, Koran or whatever your holy book may be is that fully support domestic violence.

Burton in her job as a domestic violence counselor said numerous times she's been told by victims that they had talked with their pastors and was encouraged to be a better wife, and endure and this (abuse) would stop. They were told to pray harder.

Second most common career group abusers are members of law enforcement.

She said YES domestic violence is a bigger program that some believe!

How to NOT talk about Domestic Violence

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 08:24:00 PDT

In Contempt has an article, and the above cartoon the made over the author's feelings regarding people's reactions to Chris Brown’s abuse of Rihanna.

The author notes:

I was really reluctant to do a cartoon about Chris Brown’s abuse of Rihanna. For one thing, domestic violence is not inherently funny (duh); and there is always the risk of hurting the feelings of someone who has been abused or triggering past trauma. My little comic strip may be irreverent, disrespectful to authority, blasphemous, and rude-crude-and-lude. But it should be clear to most of my readers that mocking victims of violence ain’t my shtick.

It seems to me that the secular world also has their ways of NOT talking about domestic violence as well.

Damage of domestic violence, and the hard road to healing

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 15:10:00 PDT

This will be the final portion of the series, and I hope I have opened some eyes to things you need to see. Its very hard to place these actions into words, and then show the true impact to families. I'm hoping visuals will help in that area.

The damage of these types of domestic violence relationships can last a lifetime if people aren't shown how to learn to deal with them. Healing is a long hard road for not only the abuser, but the victims they love. At times its the abuser that makes alot of promises, but the work is to overwhelming for them. They are going to need support of men around them (or ladies if she is the abuser), and people need to remember not to rely on the family to help to much with that. If they get to frustrated with things they will lash out at the family members once again. Remember following up with family members privately isn't a form of gossip, but will help you gauge if your path is the correct one. You also don't want the family to stuff the fear anymore.

In this segment Super Nanny is going to leave the family for a while to see if any changes within the dynamics can stick.

As you can see Phil has tried, and YES he does better in some areas. The root of rage within him is still present. Change isn't easy. He was trying very hard to be as honest as he could, but as you saw he broke the bond of trust once again. At times they will own their mistakes, but at others their defensive nature will come out. Keep in mind the family may get the wrath of that as well. Those patterns are hard to break.

I was happy to see during this show that Super Nanny didn't wait for Phil to get himself help. She found help for him, and pushed for his commitment for lasting change. I think its important that the parties that are helping out in these areas do have resources available to give abusers, and to follow up to make sure they do it. Keep in mind that their spouse may not be the best person to do this. It would be best to have the abuser make the call themselves - it shows commitment on their part. You don't want the spouse to be accused of causing trouble, nagging, or handing them any excuse to blame. That is why it is important the help source follow up with them personally to be sure they are going to do this.

Most abusers like Phil Davis will say, "No Problem! It will be looked into." I'm sure once again their intent is there, but most of the time they won't follow up. Its safer for victims to have someone else follow up with them to make sure they do what they promised. Their habit patterns need to be front and center in your mind. They will be looking for excuses, and they love to blame everyone but themselves. They are right with you at first, but they will change their minds just as fast. They will also start to point fingers, "What about HER??" They will also ask for breaks, and remind people how well they have been doing as a tool to get you to back off. Its fear that is talking, and remember they are some of the best con artists out there. They know where the line in the sand is, and you can count on them pushing it. Its their habit patterns, and giving up their entitlement isn't going to be easy.

Counseling for Phil Davis will involve alot of work, pain, tears, etc. He speaks to a woman that runs a program for abusive men during this segment. He also speaks to a man that was brave enough to finish the program. He then speaks to an adult that dealt with this kind of abuse growing up, and how this impacted her world.

Christian men will need help like this, but they will also need spiritual support. They will need both, and so will their victims. At first you need to look for motive until the fruits of change have some staying power. It will be up and down for a while, and encouragement is going to be needed badly.

Lets watch our final chip of the help Super Nanny was offering him.

For myself on a personal note I don't understand why churches don't think about the impact this abuse has on the children. They grow up to make poor choices in partners, and feel this is the way they deserve to be treated. God doesn't want that for anyone. You can't help but be damaged by the effects of domestic violence, and it doesn't have to require fists.

Abusers can be men or women, but you have to have the tools to see things. You need to educate yourself to recognize the traits. Within a week after this was released on television Phil was being investigated by child protective services. Neighbors that knew the family said they had never seen abuse towards the family members. They felt they were nice normal family, but as you saw they were not. Child Services was concerned of course about the emotional and verbal abuse, but they were more concerned about the slaps to the children. Their safety and well being were more of a concern first! Safety first, and then deal with the rest.

Since the showing it was mentioned that Phil Davis indeed followed up and continued his counseling. It wouldn't be an easy ride for him, and most of the time its to much for them. They tend to make excuses like cost, time, and its not doing anything to help - once things get to deep. They will need that encouragement to continue, and remember their family members maybe risking safety if they do this themselves.

Just like the neighborhood you may not be able to see things right away either, but knowing when to hush and listen...and learn the proper responses and questions to give you hints of the possible trouble could go a long way. We aren't talking normal marriage dynamics you are used to dealing with. Can you imagine how the divorce rates would be effected if people got healing, instead of ignoring the elephant in the living room? Lets say the worse does happen, and a divorce occurs for a moment. If the children got healing you may have helped stop the cycle, and that also would effect the divorce rates within the church. Their generation will benefit! Think about it!

Remember this form of abuse can lead to the physical type that most say is the 'real' form. Why have families deal with this type of domestic violence until that happens? We should be striving for the hard road to healing, and doing our part to ending the cycle of domestic violence. Remember God speaks against the type of behavior you saw in this video, and if the family feels unsafe don't encourage them to stay. The rage within people that abuse emotionally and verbally - among other types - are not safe people to be around. Its not an easy decision, and in most cases unlike you hear about they are looking for the abuse to stop ... not divorce!

How much hope could you bring to children, and the family general once we recognize and deal with this. Wouldn't it be awesome to hear what Morgan said? "It makes me want to come home!" With God's help and fellowship with our faith community we can help heal the damage of domestic violence, and be there for the long road of healing.

Do I hear an Amen?!

Domestic Violence - Can they change?

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:52:00 PDT

I do believe in my heart that people can change from being an abuser to someone that can deal with life in a healthier manner. They need to WANT it bad enough, and when I see abusers stopping because they can't mend those bridges they burnt? It tells me that it was game to them, and change isn't something they wanted truly in their hearts. I can see how that would be discouraging, but if they truly want this change they will continue. They want to stop hurting those close to them. They want to place that root of rage within them away forever. They will find the reasons why they do this, and find true healing for themselves.

The only people that know if the parties are sincere in the true form is the parties that are doing the healing themselves. We can say to ourselves they look like they are doing it! It shows they want this! They can place that show out there for people once again, and we need to remember we didn't see it very clear the first time either. Abusers can be one of the best types of con artists I can think of.

The next video Phil Davis learns another form of healthier discipline towards his children. Remember what he is telling people in this video. He never wanted to place the work towards the discipline before - he demanded it!

The next video Morgan got to tell her father things she was never allowed to voice to him. You can see the love she has for this man, and you can see that he also cares for her!

Children that are victims within families that are dealing with domestic violence do still love their parents. They love them despite the damage they have caused. It hard for the children to deal with these feelings as well.

The sad part is that if separation or divorce does happen abusers will use these children as pawns in their striving for the control over all of them. It does damage the children, and once they are old enough it will cause damage to the relationship with their children. They will not always be forced to visit them, and they could lose them forever.

The sad part is they could continue the cycle with their own families. Domestic Violence - can they change? I believe so but they need someone to hold thier feet to the fire to make sure they are held accountable along the way. The spouse isn't that party.

Building Back Trust after Domestic violence

eaandfaith@yahoo.com — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 01:53:00 PDT

Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse can break the bonds of trust. The person that is abusing them isn't safe, and its HARD to allow yourself to trust once again.

Now I want you to notice that Phil is once again acknowledging that he has hurt his family, and his wife with his rages towards them. The exercise is to show how his wife is having a hard time trusting him at this point.

His comment about, "I told you I would! SEE!" to his wife at the end is very telling. In small ways he feels people should trust him, because he loves them very much. They have good reasons NOT to trust him, but again he places things in his own little box of thought.

Does he mean it this time? Is it like all the other times he said he would stop? The real question is does he have the tools to handle this! Phil Davis doesn't have the tools at this point, but I'm sure he feels he has a better grasp on them.

We need to remember he may KNOW, but he does have a habit of abusing anyway.

To often I see churches telling the family that they must forgive the abuser, and to show this forgiveness to hand them the trust. They don't allow the abuser to earn the trust back, but almost coerces the victims into giving that to them. They clearly don't see how this enables the abuser. Its also not going to be the true form to make lasting changes in this relationship either.

As you watch his wife you can see that she wants to trust him. She wants this change so that he is safe, but we have to remember she has GOOD reason not to! Pushing the power play on families to forgive on the church's timeline, and not allow the fruits of the abuser's actions that would bring the healthier form is what normally happens. I have to be honest I do think that fear over divorce is what motives people. I have to wonder when they tell others to trust in God to let things happen WHY they do not allow that in this circumstance as well.

Pushing reconciliation and forgiveness before its earned is not only dangerous to the family, but enables the abuser not to have to do the hard work he truly needs to do. Separation at times scares the church, because they see it as the next step to the dreaded "D" word! We need to stop and wonder if this is the proper motive going in!

Abusers have a very hard time breaking the habit patterns they have. Its not an easy thing to do. It just like - lets say - alcoholics! At times we need to allow them to hit rock bottom before they can make that true commitment to treatment. Abusers need to make that commitment NOT to keep the family together, and because he LOVES her more than life itself! He needs to do this because this is what God would wish for him, and for him to want to be the man that God intended. Its going to a painful, and frustrating ride! He has always had his way, and he used the tools to make sure it was COMPLETELY that way as well. Those selfish motives are ingrained within abusers, and it will be hard to change that mindset. Their way is easier. The need for power is addictive, and they crave that badly.

Keep in mind that once victims do start to heal there might be a huge amount of anger they have to process. Remember emotions were not allowed in their environment, and they had to do something with them. They normally stuffed them. When the anger over the injustice and cruel acts surfaces, and feels safe enough for them to feel them - encourage it! They need to get it out! This phase will pass, and remember they were not allowed to really process what was happening before. They couldn't acknowledge it in some ways, and they used tools that enabled them NOT to acknowledge things. It doesn't mean they will live that anger all their life, but they need to know its safe to feel it for once.

Post traumatic Stress Syndrome isn't uncommon either. Most think of soldiers coming back from war when they think of this. There are alot of people that deal with this. You have natural disaster victims, rape victims, and in this case domestic violence victims. Those things can be worked on, but remember this could be a long ride for everyone. There will be alot of hills and valleys. It may takes years to bring it all together. At times people give up, and other times people just can't seem to let go of dangerous habits.

There are alot of steps to building back the trust after suffering from domestic violence.