Twenty years ago, at the beginning of the Los Angeles riots, I was driving home from a girls’ day out at the beach with my daughters, who were 6 and 9 years old at the time. My husband and the three boys were on their own. Listening on the car radio to the violence that was happening in Watts was frightening and tragic.

Today, reflecting upon the various comments and reactions to Hillary Rosen’s critique of Ann Romney and reading a blogger’s scathing review of The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women, I am disturbed by our ongoing societal struggle to tolerate differences and embrace diversity. Whether it is an issue of race, socioeconomics, or sexism, all of us need to find ways “to get along”.

What fuels the mommy wars? Why do some women feel compelled to take sides?

I remember feeling in awe of those women who chose or had no choice about being stay-at-home moms. I simply did not have the fortitude or patience that it required. I felt grateful and blessed that my line of work afforded me the freedom and flexibility to work part-time. I have great admiration for women who work full time and take care of their families because their professional and personal lives have become so blurred by technology. Similarly, mothers who stay at home with their children either by choice or necessity continually garner my utmost respect and regard.

Feelings of conflict, competition, and hostility habitually occur when individuals feel inadequate or unsure about what they should want, need, or have. Women are bombarded with opinions, ideas, and choices that make it exceedingly difficult or nearly impossible to figure out what is right for them without being unduly influenced by what everyone else seems to want or have. Advertising and information overload seduce us to such a degree that we lose faith in our own convictions, good judgments, and intuitive reasoning. A lack of faith in our ability to make informed decisions undermines our willingness to behave in a collegial and collaborative fashion.

Wisdom and hindsight are gifts of aging. The reality is that we all make some good decisions and some poor ones. It is important to forgive yourself for the lackluster ideas and feel gratified about the triumphant ones. At the end of the day, whether or not we stayed at home with our children, we want to feel that we did the best we could in the face of our life circumstances. Rodney King ‘s plaintive plea for restoring calm in Los Angeles twenty years ago - “can we all get along . . . for the kids and the old people” - should be a reminder that women need to be supportive of one another and find more substantive and unifying causes to champion.

Assan told us he was very competitive with his brother in terms of making sure that things were fair between them. He and his brother were not able to attend school until they turned twelve years old because their family had to save enough money to send the two older sons to school first. The elder sons then helped pay for the younger twins to attend school at a later date. Assan and his brother studied hard and did well, went on to finish high school, and then took specialized training to fulfill their career goals. Assan, a guide in Gambia, is an accomplished birder. His twin brother is an educator who trains men and women to become teachers.

Dr. Alessandra Piontelli, a well-known psychoanalyst and neurologist, has written a wonderful book entitled Twins in the World. It documents her observational studies about twins around the world, with particular emphasis on Africa and its twin population.

West Africa is still very primitive and poor, struggling to rise above a cycle of poverty and income inequality. The day-to-day struggles that permeate the lives of the people have everything to do with survival. Certainly, the issues that I address in terms of twins’ emotional health have little relevance or meaning in this culture. Travelling outside one’s comfort zone is eye-opening because it creates a shift in one’s thoughts and perspectives.

DO’S and DON’TS

Whenever I speak to parents of twins, inevitably someone in the audience feels compelled to share his/her most recent story about the most annoying, hurtful, outrageous, unbelievable, or exasperating twin comment they have experienced. A resounding groan of empathic understanding and laughter resonates throughout the audience. So, in light of these cosmic occurrences, I have decided to create my own Emily Post “post” to help educate the uninitiated about how to approach twins and their parents with sensitivity, emotional intelligence, and tact.

I

DON’T ASK:

THE EXPECTABLE QUESTIONS (not in any expectable order)

• Who is older?
• Is she (he) the shy one?
• Who walked first?
• Were they natural or did you have IVF?
• Which one is your favorite?
• Why is the redheaded twin more talkative than her sister?
• Why are they fighting with each other?
• Are you sure they are identical?

Parents of twins do understand that these questions and inquiries are well-intentioned attempts (most of the time) to find a way to differentiate one twin from the other. Try the following approach and see what happens.

DO ASK:

• What are their names?
• How shall I remember who is who?
• How are they different?
• What are their personalities like?
• What does each one like to do?
• What are their preferences?
• Tell me about each of them.
• Make your own observations about each twin just as you would if there were one baby – and do it twice.

The goal is to help family, friends, and strangers focus on each twin’s uniqueness and individuality. Approaching twins in these ways helps parents mitigate their concerns about how much their children are being labeled and compared. They will sincerely appreciate your efforts to relate to their children as two separate people.

Don’t make comparative or labeling statements in front of the twins themselves. Contrary to popular thought, even babies as young as toddlers understand these communications and take them to heart.

Parents whose twins look remarkably alike need to help outsiders identify each twin by dressing them in different colors, pointing out any distinguishing features, or styling different haircuts.

II

DON’T FEEL COMPELLED TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT RAISING TWINS

· How do you tell them apart?

· Double trouble, right?

· Glad it’s you and not me…

· How do you do it?

· I have kids that are close in age, and it’s the same as having twins.

DO REMARK

You are doing an amazing job. I admire how you are able to manage two babies at the same time. They are lucky to have such a patient and loving mom/dad.

III

DON’T MAKE IDEALIZED STATEMENTS ABOUT BEING A TWIN:

• They must be best friends.
• They won’t ever have to worry about being alone.
• They are each other’s soul mate.
• They probably never fight.

It is a blessing on many levels to be a twin; however twins and their families are unduly influenced by our cultural fascination with twins. If twins grow up imbued with these sorts of twin myths, they may feel as if something is wrong with them if they don’t feel this way about their twin relationship. Help your family and friends appreciate the twins’ relationship rather than romanticize it.

DO REMARK:

IT’S WONDERFUL THAT THEY HAVE EACH OTHER AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. If you want to add a bit more, say something along the lines that as in any partnership, there are ups and downs.

IV

DON’T CONFRONT A PARENT WHO IS ALONE WITH ONE OF THE TWINS BY ASKING

• Where is his twin?
• How can you take out one and leave the other alone?
• Aren’t you going to ruin the twinship?
• Isn’t he miserable and sad without his twin?

DO REMARK:

• It’s great that you are giving each twin alone time.
• I imagine it takes a bit of creative juggling to make it happen.
• I admire you for making this a priority.
• It must be wonderful for you and each twin to have time alone together.

V

DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO THE TWINS FIRST IF THEY ARE WITH OTHER SIBLINGS

• Don’t judge the sibling’s behavior as rude or impolite if he appears sullen or upset.
• Be empathic and understanding. Siblings of twins have it rough sometimes, and they deserve recognition and acknowledgment.
• Talk to them about the challenges of being a twin, such as having to share so many things and being compared so much of the time.

DO REMARK:

• Ask the siblings their names, age, and preferences.
• Ask them about themselves, not about their relationship to the twins.
• If he/she seems does not feel like engaging with you, just acknowledge politely that he/she doesn’t feel like talking.
• Then you can turn your attention to the parents and the twins.

Keep this advice in mind. Parents of twins and the twins themselves will be forever grateful.

What a wonderful event! Thanks again to Rachel Klausner for organizing the meeting. The moms and dads who attended were engaged, curious, and supportive. They asked pertinent and intelligent questions about alone time, inter twin dynamics, separate schools and bedrooms, twin attachment, sibling challenges, and much much more. I so appreciated that the families listened to my philosophy and ideas. I am confident that the experience helped these parents think about twin relationships in new and different ways.

Even though these events occurred more than forty years ago, they remain salient emotional markers in our adult relationship.  My sister and I are grateful beyond words that we had each other during our growing years.  We both recognize and acknowledge that it was our twinship that protected us from unhealthy family dynamics.  Most siblings, including twins, form a distinct relationship with each parent.  I tried to take care of our mother emotionally.  My sister, on the other hand, experienced such profound maternal disappointment that she stopped feeling any connection to her at all.  Both of us reacted in different ways to a situation rife with maternal neglect and cruelty.

As we have raised our own children, we have a renewed appreciation about how our unique connection to one another actually saved us.  I have interviewed hundreds of twins and am often told that the twin relationship served as the anchor and safety net in family situations where the parents were emotionally damaged.

While my sister and I are similar in may ways, we have distinct preferences and personality traits.  I love to shop and spend money; she buys her clothes online and is careful about “saving for a rainy day”. Nonetheless, our shared experiences create an unbreakable bond that allows for individual differences and perspectives.  Our need to create an even balance is no longer an issue, as it was in high school.  So, we can tip the scale in many directions without either one of us feeling fearful about falling off - such are the advantages of wisdom, mindsight, and hindsight as we grow older and wiser.

COURSES: SUMMER 2011

Parenting Seminar

“Using Emotional Intelligence to Raise Compassionate and Resilient Children”

Sunday, June 12

12:30–5:30 p.m.

ADMISSION

$50 General

$40 Skirball Members

$30 Full-Time Students

ABOUT THE PROGRAM

In this seminar, participants learn to help their children become emotionally intelligent and find ways to express their feelings authentically and appropriately.

Through a keynote presentation and multiple workshops, participants will learn how to use Mindsight with their children to help them discover their feelings as a source of strength.

Techniques for cultivating resilience and well-being will be explored. The seminar will also enable parents and caregivers to strengthen bonds with children, leading to stronger families and communities.

Designed for parents, expectant parents, mental health care practitioners, and teachers, the program includes the keynote lecture and two ninety-minute workshops, Session A and Session B.

Dr. Joan A. Friedman will be offering a worshop during Session B, from 4:00pm till 5:30pm.

Raising Emotionally Healthy Twins

Facilitator: Joan Friedman, PhD, author of Emotionally Healthy Twins

Drawing on her experience as a twin, the mother of twins, and a psychotherapist specializing in twins, Dr. Friedman outlines seven key concepts for helping twins develop into self-realized, resilient individuals. Her current research about adult twin development will enhance parental awareness about twins’ ongoing emotional growth.