Compatibility is more than agreeing on what movie to see or restaurant to go to. Compatibility is about values, ideals, and perspective on life. It’s being on the same page, thinking the same way – always feeling free to be who you are with this person. Being at ease and unfettered when it comes to expressing your thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t mean you agree on everything, but you know it’s still cool if you don’t because you won’t be judged or loved any less. Compatibility is feeling content whatever you’re doing with this person, even if you’re doing nothing at all. Signs of compatibility are when you’re thinking something and before the words can leave your lips you hear them coming out of their mouth. Or when your texts cross in cyberspace at the exact same moment and say nearly the same thing. When you are compatible, you have the feeling that at last, there is another human being on the planet who actually ‘gets’ you.

I suppose the three C’s could also be called the three seas. There are varying depths in each one and over time there will be calm, placid waters, waves – big and small, turbulent storms, and possibly an occasional tsunami. But communication is by far, the most difficult sea to navigate. And it is in not doing so, that most relationships go off course, or end up crashing on the rocks. And this is because men and women are typically using a different set of navigational instruments. They’re using the tools they’ve been given over the years as they prepared for the voyage and charted their course.

Going back thousands of years, the nature of men has been to ‘be strong’. They have historically been the hunters, the protectors, the providers of shelter, stability. To show weakness would be to expose vulnerability, and possibly be eliminated, leaving their families without food or protection. Women on the other hand were left to the rearing of children, farming the land, healing, nurturing. They learned to rely on one another in communities to assist with these duties. Modern society has reinforced these roles. Little girls play with baby dolls, and boys play with toy guns and are encouraged in competitive sports. Girls can cry when they are hurt and run for nurturance and protection, but little boys need to ‘buck up’.  So we wonder why even to this day, how, when, and what we communicate differs so much between men & women???

No matter how well you communicate in relationships, I think the fundamental differences between the way men & women have been socialized to handle their feelings can cause potential problems. Most men shut down, go into their caves, and most women reach out & talk about it. When a man shuts down, the natural nurturer in the woman doesn’t understand why he doesn’t want to talk to her. The next thing you know, she’s on the train to crazy town & imagining there’s something wrong with her, when there’s not. But it’s not ‘manly’ to tell a woman what is troubling you. And a woman will worry about you if you are troubled. Some men even fear that they will become less attractive to a woman if they were to admit their weaknesses. Men are supposed to ‘fix’ things. So if they can’t fix it themselves, it may cause them to feel inadequate. Unfortunately, for a woman who craves intimate connection with her man, she likes to believe that he can talk to her about anything. She wants to feel needed. Even if it is only to listen, empathize, and soothe. Women do this all the time with their female friends. Generally speaking, men do not.

I have always stressed the importance of communication in relationships, but when that word means two different things to the man & woman involved how do you bridge the gap? More and more men tell me they are at a loss these days when it comes to relationships. A forty-something yr old friend recently told me that he feels like he knows less about women today than he did when he was 18. I hear others express their feelings of confusion on whether to be chivalrous or allow a woman to be independent. Some have even said they feel emasculated by the women’s movement of the past 50 years. While women were fighting for ‘equal’ rights, who was teaching our men how to deal with these new & improved power-houses with boobs? The game has changed, but where’s the new ‘rule’ book?

I think the answer is to write your own. But again, this takes communication. The first step is recognizing the gap and get to the root cause. I love being a woman and appreciate men for their differences. So instead of trying to get them to think more like me, I simply want them to understand why I think the way I do.  And I think more women could benefit from understanding how men think.

The traditional ‘till death do us part’ marriage is indeed rare these days, though some are still successful at it. We are redefining love relationships every day in our society. Some are serial monogamists, while others are in open marriages. Gay couples can adopt children, and share in benefits that only married heterosexual couples once enjoyed. People meet over the internet. Some prefer a friend with benefits and no strings to a committed coupling. People are free to do what works for them and makes them happy. So write your own rules for how you communicate with one another. Allow your partner the space to be who he or she is. That may mean that he needs to send a short text when he’s in the cave, just to let her know that he’s safe in there and will be back soon. She needs to stop telling herself self-defeating stories because he’s not baring his soul to her. Don’t make assumptions that just because you have chemistry and compatibility going for you, that the rest is effortless. The concept seems simple, but yet we seemingly continue to torture one another because of simple misunderstanding. A few carefully chosen words, thinking before you react, becoming aware of and communicating your personal boundaries, can go a long way towards creating a fulfilling and long-lasting, loving relationship!

Related articles

Sex Is Always The Answer – My Latest 303 Magazine Article
• Empowered Sex Asks: What is Sexy? (empoweredsex.com)
• Chemistry + Compatibility = Commitment. (sassanista.wordpress.com)
• Men vs. Women (graciehill.wordpress.com)
• What Men Want (4shothoughts.wordpress.com)

A little while ago, upon realizing that Christmas was only a couple weeks away, I made an attempt to get into the holiday spirit. For some reason, the song “My Favorite Things” by Julie Andrews was going through my head. Now, I’ve got nothing against kitten whiskers or woolen mittens, but I started to ask myself, ‘what are MY favorite things’?  And so I came up with my own lyrics to the song. Humor me for a minute and sing the following to the aforementioned tune:

Vodka and chocolate and red wine & kissing
Cuddling up with someone I’ve been missing
Good conversation and spreading my wings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Candles and hot tubs to get juices flowing
Play some good music – who cares that it’s snowing?
Hot steamy sex, AND without any strings!
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the cold bites, and the snow flies, when I’m feeling sad,
I fondly remember my favorite things, and then I can feel sooo BAD!

Ok, so I realize Julie Andrews came from a nunnery, but I like this ‘empowered woman’ version better.  Thinking about my favorite things led me to reflect on what I think is sexy. A natural progression for me, since most everything I do relates to sex – a professional hazard perhaps, but one I’m happy to live with.  I have two trains of thought on the topic of ‘what is sexy’.  A) What makes a woman sexy? B) What do women find sexy in a man? There are a lot of cars on both trains, so let’s take the ‘A train’ in a future article and go for a ride on the B train this week.  (And yes, I like Glenn Miller too, so pun intended!)

Writing and speaking about sex, and running a car service called Cougar Limo, among some of the other things I’ve been involved with for the past year, somewhat creates a set of expectations in people’s minds. When a friend of mine recently confessed to me that she can feel a bit intimidated when dating what she considers a ‘hot’ guy, I realized that I have often felt as though I can’t be seen in public with anything but. And you thought only middle-aged men were guilty of this??? In fact I will confess at the risk of sounding superficial, that there have been times when if I couldn’t find a date to support the image I thought I needed to project, I have attended certain functions alone. I’m not proud to admit this, but if I’m going to encourage my readers to get real with themselves, then I can’t be afraid of getting naked with you, can I? The bottom line, however, is that regardless of others’ perceptions, we each have our own idea of what sexy is, and it definitely changes with time and experience.

I am not ashamed to admit that since the end of my 18 year marriage I have become quite self-indulgent. Having been in a relationship and a successful career at a young age, saddled with the responsibility of being the primary bread-winner most of the time, I didn’t have the free-spirited experience in my 20’s that most people have.  Therefore, I will not apologize for taking advantage of the opportunities that came my way after my divorce. I was like a kid in a candy store, and all of the candy was free! But as we know, candy will not nourish us the way veggies will, and if we eat too much of it, it will certainly take its toll on our well-being. Being clear about our choices and how they make us feel is as critical in dating and relationships as it is in our diet.

It is typically through having or experiencing what we don’t want that leads us to know what we do want. What I have learned along my journey is that my definition of sexy has changed.  Now I’m not saying that I will bypass a tall, dark, handsome man with a six-pack (above his belt, not in his hand) for someone who doesn’t care how he looks. And I’m not talking about ‘settling’ either. Trust me. There are plenty of ‘hotties’ out there of all ages if you remain open-minded. What I am saying is that no matter how ‘hot’ I think a guy is based on his looks, the attraction will quickly fade if there isn’t something going on beneath the surface.

It seems to be a natural side effect of becoming self-aware, self-loving, and self-empowered that we come to know what truly feeds us in a relationship. We then easily attract partners with those qualities to us. But can one person truly possess all of the qualities I am looking for? Possibly, but nobody is perfect. So it’s important to know what my priorities are, what turns me on, and what I am not willing to tolerate. For example, I have come to realize that I am attracted to men with a strong intellect who are open-minded and have a good sense of humor. Sexual chemistry is a biggie, but unless it is coupled with intellectual stimulation, it’s not enough to keep the boat afloat. As a writer, I find that words can be very seductive, as long as they come from the heart and don’t get too syrupy. So men who are in touch with their feelings and know how to articulate them in a clever way are uber-sexy to me. A man who’s not afraid to show his emotions will steal my heart. But at the same time, I want a strong MAN, not one who will fall apart at the seams when he’s having a bad day. Sensitive – sexy, passive in the sack – NOT.

Not sure what it is that turns you on? Think about what kind of men made your heart go pitter-patter in the movies. I like old movies, so in my book, Cary Grant was the ultimate heart-throb of the 20th century, where as John Wayne didn’t do a thing for me. As a result, I am drawn to men with a sense of style, sophistication and class, rather than someone more comfortable in a cowboy hat or tennis shoes and t-shirts, whose idea of a nice dinner is chicken wings and Budweiser .  Variety is the spice of life, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any of it. The key is to know what you want. What turns you on? What do YOU think is sexy? If you go to the supermarket hungry, without a shopping list, what are you going to come home with? It’s happened to me, and it’s not pretty. Afterwards I would look at my cupboard and fridge and wonder what the hell was I thinking? If you want to cook a quality meal you plan ahead and make a list. Don’t you think you deserve the same in your relationships? If so, take the time in the preparation, and you’ll never be disappointed with the end result.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a hot, steamy, sexy, good night!

Related articles

• Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men lie to women? (empoweredsex.com)
• Sexy Time: Bringing Sexy Back with Dr. Jen Landa [Interview] (collegecandy.com)
• Cosmopolitan: Really Sexy Stuff:The Sexiest Thing My Guy Has Done Lately (cosmopolitan.com)
• Sexy Time: Why I’m Grateful For Sex (collegecandy.com)

Disclaimer: This is just a theory of mine based on personal research and observation. I do not mean to say that women never lie to men, or that all women consciously prefer to be lied to. Nor am I saying that all men are liars, even though if you ask women, their opinion is that most men are.

So why do men lie to women? Uh, because they want sex. Why do they feel they have to lie to get laid? Because most women want to be lied to before they give in to their natural, primal urges. Why do they need to be lied to? Because it’s the only way they can enjoy gratuitous sex without feeling guilty about it. Why? Because unfortunately, no matter how far we’ve come in the past century, women are still viewed differently from men for openly expressing their sexual desires.

Photo credit: Forget Me Not Imaging, Denver, CO

A local radio host said to me recently –“no woman wants to feel like a whore.” Interesting observation, but I think it’s more than that.  After all, a high-class whore is respected by her clientele and financially rewarded for what she does. She can simply walk away with no risk of being hurt and spend the money on whatever she wants! That seems much more empowering than what often happens in our dating relationships. The truth of the matter is that no woman wants to feel like they are being lied to or running a brothel for the cheap and needy.  And no one, male or female, wants to feel manipulated. Strange thing is that most of the women I talk to, (especially over the age of 35) tell me they are more likely to be attracted to and sleep with a guy, if he is completely honest with them. So how did we get stuck in this pattern of deception when it comes to sex?

Is there such a thing as justifiable lying, or being too honest? Is the entire concept of truth similar to “a tree falling in the forest with no one there to hear it” theory? If we don’t suspect the lie, and never uncover the truth, we’ll never feel the pain – so, no harm, no foul?

Since there are probably very few of us who can say we’ve never told a lie, I’ve broken down lying into three general categories. I call this theory the 3 E’s of lying. They are: to avoid Embarrassment, to Embellish, and to Entertain.

Sometimes people lie to protect themselves, and sometimes they lie because they think they are protecting someone else. Naturally, many people embellish or make shit up just to be funny or entertaining. Beyond the 3 E’s however, there is lying to manipulate. And I think that this is where relationships really fall down.  I learned where the term ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’ came from. Apparently when a man has a burning desire to get in a woman’s pants, he will tell her anything to get what he wants.  Ok, so sometimes a man thinks with his little head, so what? Sometimes women let the little kitty below make their decisions for them too. I’ll admit that. But why is it that lying to get what we want from others seems to have become an acceptable practice? Could it be that it’s what we’ve come to expect from our politicians, our major corporations, and our media, so somehow it just seems like status quo? Can we even handle the truth??? Just take a look at the problems we are facing in our country today. We all had our heads in the sand for years while our economy was caving in around us. In my opinion, lying to manipulate is the ultimate form of disrespect. It means that you have made a judgment and an assumption about the person you are lying to. You just took away their freedom to make an educated decision. What gives anyone that right?

Just a side note: Beware of those who feel they have to tell you how honest and authentic they are.  If someone has to tell you that rather than it being evident in their character, that should be a red flag in itself. It’s like people who like to tell you what a good Christian they are because they tithe and go to church every Sunday, or like people who brag about money. They are usually the ones who don’t have any. A woman who has embraced her sexuality doesn’t need to wear a t-shirt that says “Sexy”.  Why state the obvious?

I wonder what would happen if we were all forced to tell each other the truth for one week? How would relationships be different from the beginning if we could all get honest with each other? Could you handle it if a guy said to you, “Look, I think you’re really sexy, and I just want to know what it’s like to fuck you.”  Or could a woman say, “Hey, this guy I really dig just ditched me, and I need to have revenge sex so I can rebuild my self-esteem.” Or what if you ask ‘what happened’ and they say – ‘I’m just not that into you.’ Or ‘To tell you the truth, your penis is too small for me.’

Have you ever seen the movie, “The Invention of Lying”, starring Ricky Gervais? I love this film. He picks up the hot girl for a first date, and she tells him that she was upstairs masturbating. When the main character played by Gervais invents lying, he approaches a woman on the street and says, “The world’s going to end unless we have sex right now.” And she replies, “Do we have time to get to a motel or should we do it right here?” Wouldn’t relationships be really interesting if we could all just get real with each other?

Related articles

• Dude’s List: 11 Lies Women Tell Men (collegecandy.com)
• The Dirty Truth About Sex, Power, and Extramarital Affairs (psychologytoday.com)
• Surprise? Women can be sex addicts, too (theglobeandmail.com)

Do you really think monogamy sucks and why?
I know monogamy sucks for me, and for a lot of other people, too.  My own journey that began in the mid 1990s and led to my novel Monogamy Sucks is not an isolated one.  I became disillusioned with the limitations of monogamy and conventional relationships and wanted a more exciting sexual life. Just turn on the news each night and you can see how monogamy is playing out.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and his love child, and congressmen Anthony Weiner are really just the latest scandals and tip of the iceberg. They won’t be the last to stray from the bonds of monogamy.
Recent studies show that a lot people are having trouble with fidelity. Some say that around 30–40 percent of dating relationships and 18–20 percent of marriages are marked by at least one incident of sexual infidelity, according to the publication “Close encounters: Communication in Relationships.”  Some researchers claim there’s a 50–50 chance today that one partner will have an affair during a marriage.  It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60 percent of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage as referenced on the Truth About Deception Web site. So all is not well with traditional relationships contrary to popular belief.

Is it really monogamy that sucks, or is it that it seems to be the only form of relationship that society deems proper – forced monogamy that is often times a farce?
I honestly don’t believe monogamy is natural. It is forced upon us by society through shame or tradition.  So when people can’t live up to monogamy then it truly becomes a farce. Unfortunately, a lot of people are taught only one option — traditional monogamous marriages or relationships — is proper or respected. It is the only form of relationship society truly embraces. However, a lot more than will admit it can’t live monogamously. The ideal runs counter to their natural desires.  So they would rather cheat than considering an open relationship or alternative sex such as swinging. But I always think swinging is better than cheating.

Do you think that our society is ready to look at alternatives to monogamy in a different light in the 21st century?
I hope so. I do believe a growing number of people in this country are at least willing to entertain the notions of alternatives because it is pretty obvious that there are mounting problems with traditional marriage and monogamous relationships. A lot less younger people are getting married or being able to stay in long-term relationships. There are numerous surveys and studies to indicate this trend.

Do you think the ability to embrace a non-monogamous lifestyle comes more naturally to men than to women?
Not necessarily. Despite all the recent high profile sex scandals, I don’t think men are the only ones disillusioned with monogamy. I believe more women than we have been led to believe are also unhappy with monogamy even if it isn’t discussed much.
Frankly, I think an increasing number of men and women, too, are becoming bored sexually in long term relationships, and are secretly beginning to resent monogamy.  However, men are encouraged more by society to be more open sexually than women are so maybe that is why there is this perception that men take to a non-monogamous relationships easier than women do.
But for everyone these days, there is a lot of temptation out there — more than ever before with the advent of the Internet. And as stressed previously, I don’t believe we are monogamous creatures by nature.

Why did you sit on your book for 12 years before deciding to put it out there?
It was mostly fear that kept my book hidden away for so many years. I wasn’t sure if anyone would be interested in my novel’s edgy, explicit and controversial content.
Early in 2009, I read an article on the Huffington Post about how a number of best selling books started out first as blogs. So I decided to launch my novel on a blog one chapter at a time in May 2010. Several months later, I was offered a book deal. I seriously doubt if that would have happened if I hadn’t put my novel out in the blogosphere and tweeted about it on Twitter.

Do you get hate mail?
We all have haters. Typically, I receive rude remarks on the Twitter stream, or comments on my blog, but I haven’t received much hate mail.  Haters don’t bother me at all. I actually expected more, but it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be considering the title of my book and its subject matter. Actually haters only make me realize I’m on the right track.

Do you find it more difficult to find satisfying personal relationships w/ women because of your notoriety as the swinger who wrote ‘Monogamy Sucks’?
Not really as I am very open and honest about my life, my preference for being single and how I am not a fan of monogamy or marriage. Everyone knows where I stand even though I wouldn’t consider myself a hardcore swinger. I am single with a keen interest in swinging and a very open mind when it comes to sexual matters.
Some women I’ve met since Monogamy Sucks has been released have had the wrong idea about me and assumed that I was a soulless swinger only looking to score, while I’ve met others who have come to realize I am not this stereotype. I have a well-rounded view of life and sex is only one important part of it.

Do you think the majority of men find it more, or less attractive, when a woman shares your point of view on monogamy?
I can’t speak for all men, but speaking for myself I find it more attractive when a woman shares my point of view about monogamy. I have heard from some open-minded women that a lot of men do find a woman who has a liberated view about monogamy as some kind of threat. I don’t understand that. Sounds like a dream woman to me. LOL.

Are you currently active in the swinging community?
At this current time, I would have to say no, but I am looking to get back into the lifestyle soon in preparation to research my sequels to Monogamy Sucks.  I’m open to participating in the lifestyle, but I still consider myself single. I’m not a hardcore swinger, but you could call me a single swinger or an occasional Centaur (nickname in lifestyle for single swingers), too if you like.

Is it possible for a swinging single male to ‘fall in love’ w/ a woman?
Sure it is.  Swinging and love can and do mix.  That is the dilemma Jake faces at the end of Monogamy Sucks.  One of the preconceptions people have about swingers in this society is that they have no romantic feelings and are only empty people looking for meaningless sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you want to read about a swinger falling in love, read my book.
I learned so much from the swingers I met particularly that they are like everyone else except in the area of their sex lives. Swingers fall in love, have families, houses with picket fences, live in suburbia, work day jobs, go on vacations, live the normal mainstream life, but are truly adventurous in the bedroom. Swingers come from everywhere and exist in almost every country. In fact, you probably know a swinger right now and don’t even know it.

Do you think that sex with someone you love loses its meaning when you are living the swinging lifestyle?
No. Why should it? In fact, I think sex has even more meaning since you have ventured outside of your relationship for pleasure and now still have each other and the passions that brought you together.
The couples I knew while researching my book told me that swinging saved their relationships and made their own sex lives more satisfying.

For someone who would like to try the swinging lifestyle, what advice would you give them – particularly if they are a couple now in a monogamous relationship?
Keep an open mind. Talk about everything before you participate in a swinging encounter if you are a couple. Set up some ground rules so no one gets hurt or there are no misunderstandings. You are expanding your sexual lives not your relationship. This is swinging not polyamory.
No one wants to ruin anyone else’s relationship. There is a lot of erotic pleasure to be discovered for couples (and singles, too) in the swinging lifestyle, who approach it in a mature and cool manner. The key as in all relationships remains open communication.

George Pappas, Author of Monogamy Sucks: A Swinger's Tale

What are your thoughts on polyamory?
I am all for whatever makes someone happy as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.
Honestly, Polyamory isn’t for me. I wouldn’t want to be involved in too many emotionally charged relationships at the same time. Not sure how you could manage it and not feel pulled in too many directions. I prefer swinging or an open relationship where the couple expands their sexual lives by exploring with others, but without complicating emotional or romantic matters with additional relationships.

How much are you like your main character, Jake Dalmas?
Jake writes and says things I might think, but probably wouldn’t say in real life. I call him the unadulterated male sexual mind unleashed in literary form.
The story is loosely based on my experiences in the swinging lifestyle, and the stories of others I met along the way, but I want to stress that this is a work of fiction. It’s not non-fiction, a memoir or autobiographical.
Contrary to what some of my readers think or people I’ve met on Twitter or Facebook: I am not Jake Dalmas. He is a fictional character I created.

Do you think Jake could handle polyamory, or is he too narcissistic for that?
Jake wouldn’t be too fond of polyamory to be honest. His reasoning would be one relationship is difficult enough why would I want to be involved in two, three, four relationships. I will explore that further in the sequel of Monogamy Sucks, which I am hoping to have out in summer 2012.
And for the record, Jake isn’t a narcissist as is reflected by the close of my book when he meets his match in hot swinger Juliette and is involved in a relationship. Jake like many of us is dissatisfied with conventional monogamous relationships, get bored easily and wants to avoid the drama of being attached.  He desires a more honest and healthier sexual and romantic life. That hardly makes him a narcissist — specifically one that only cares about themselves and their own needs. Jake is more of a balanced person than that as he cares about pleasing his lovers. A narcissist would not.

I felt like I got a voyeur’s perspective into the mind of the common man on how he thinks about sex and women from your book. It somewhat confirmed that men do think with their ‘little head’ more often than not, but also gave away some of their insecurities. Have you gotten backlash from other men about this?
I’ve had some backlash from men, including a recent reviewer who tried to dismiss my book as a series of one liners and dirty stories. I couldn’t disagree more. I get the feeling from some men I’ve talked to that my honesty about male sexual insecurities and sex has made them uncomfortable. Like I’ve revealed secrets and broke some kind of guy code. Women have embraced my book a lot more than men, which took me by surprise.

Do you think you could have written this book, if it weren’t based on personal experience?
No. I don’t think so and I wouldn’t have wanted to do that anyway since I would just be continuing lies and common myths about swinging.
I knew nothing about the swinging lifestyle before my own personal journey. I was going on myths and misconceptions about this hidden world that still persist today. So I had to research everything about swinging for this novel. To just write about it without participating seems patently dishonest to me and would only perpetuate the myths about swingers that are already out there.

How do you become disciplined enough to write every day? Especially when you’re writing your first book?
I give myself modest writing goals each day when working on a book such as writing a few hundred words a day or a page a day, but I always end up writing more. If a writer writes even a few paragraphs a day or a page or two a week, they will eventually write enough to complete a story or book. Best thing to do is map out where you want to go and steadily write a little bit of your book or story each day or week. I wrote my first novel Letters from Cyberspace, my current novel Monogamy Sucks and my next novel while working full time at public relations firm. I would force myself to write a little bit each night even when I was drained from working day jobs and I would write more on the weekends. Oh and I have another rule. No editing until you complete a first draft. You need to get down as much of your original vision and then that’s when the real writing begins in the editing process.

How long did it actually take you to write the book?
I finished a first draft in three years and then proceeded to work on another 15 or 20 drafts or so the following nine years before bringing parts of it out on my blog.

To what do you attribute the success of your book?
I honestly don’t believe there is another book out there quite like mine, which is what I intended. I call it real life erotica and a wild ride into what some men really think about monogamy and sex. A kind of a Sex in the City from the point of view of an inexperienced humorous male swinger. My novel explores other areas other writers avoid such as male sexual insecurities, the dark and ugly side of swinging as a single male, the real impact of lust on men, and how fantasies don’t always match reality. I don’t hold anything back good or bad.  I think my honesty as a writer has fascinated women more than men. After a rocky start, my book is finally receiving critical recognition from readers and my fellow writers, which is impacting sales on Amazon.

If you’d published it 10 yrs earlier, do you think it would have been as much of a success?
Not sure, but I do know that I would have had a much more difficult time getting published.  There was no Twitter back then and blogs were only starting to make an impact. I had my first novel out in 2001, which I had to publish myself after giving up on finding an agent, and it was completely ignored. I had no writing community like I found on Twitter to turn to in helping push my novel. Also Amazon Kindle wasn’t around to make it easier for readers to read quick reviews on a novel and take a chance. The advent of e-books is also helping authors reach readers like never before.

Do you think that anyone who has a good story to tell can write and sell a book in this new world of internet publishing and marketing?
Sure why not? This is a great time to be a writer. Finally, authors are finding that they have many avenues to pursue their dreams of being a novelist and writer.
The next best selling writer or literary star more than likely will be found on the Internet and not in the usual places such as writer workshops or universities.
Look at Amanda Hocking.  She was discovered through her blog and now has a prosperous writing career. Stories like hers have been an inspiration for many of us writers.

Do you have any advice for those would-be authors who are keeping their first book bottled up inside them?
Write and get your work out there. As with the rest of the entertainment industry, the Internet will completely transform the publishing business in the coming years. Writers should embrace the immediacy of the Internet as a beneficial means to expose their work and develop their own audiences rather than wait around to be discovered by an agent or publisher. That’s the future of publishing – do it yourself — whether the publishing industry wants to acknowledge it or not.
You never know what can happen. I am living proof. I kept my novel hidden in my computer for 12 years and now it is selling well on Amazon and readers are praising my work in ways I never imagined. Now, I am very excited to get my next novels released in the next year.
I have also has started a sequel to “Monogamy Sucks,” and I am eventually looking to turn Jake Dalmas’ erotic adventures into a trilogy of books.
My next novel which will be out later this year details the online dating sex adventures of a younger man — in his late 20s. It has an interesting celebrity angle to the book that I can’t reveal at this time. It will also be funny, sexy and explicit in detailing my character’s online adventures.
I’ve also been invited to write a story for an erotica anthology coming out in October on Lazy Day Publishing entitled “Indulgence.” It will have some paranormal elements, which will be new territory for me.
This is an amazing time.

Related articles

• Is Non-Monogamy The Key To An Affair-Free Marriage? (psychcentral.com)
• If We Pull The Thread Will Relationships Unravel? (thezephyrchronicles.com)
• Monogamous vs. Other Type of Unions (socyberty.com)
• Non-Monogamy Can Strengthen a Marriage (slog.thestranger.com)

// –>

Image via Wikipedia

Empowered Sex Asks: Are women ashamed to admit their secret sex fantasies?
Women think and talk about sex more than men probably realize or than most studies show. In fact I would bet that the somewhat graphic & even crude sex discussions that take place between girlfriends could make some men in a locker room blush. But are they willing to come clean with their men about their dirty little secrets? And if they did, wouldn’t it make for more exciting sex?

Sex is as natural as breathing. But there are all kinds of sex. What comes naturally to some people may seem kinky or freaky to others.  So how do you know what your woman is thinking when it comes to sex? I’m sure you’ve met a woman at some point who dressed like a high-class escort and seemed to exude animalistic desire from every pore, only to find that in the bedroom you needed a blow torch to heat things up. Conversely, we’ve all met a church mouse who turned into Catherine the Great behind closed doors. Looks can be deceiving.

On one Today Show episode where they spent a special hour on sex, an editor from Cosmopolitan went through a selection of ‘aids’ to spice up your sex life, one of which was a set of leather handcuffs and a blindfold. She explained that in a recent Cosmo survey, more than two thirds of women admitted they had been fantasizing about restraints but were too embarrassed to admit it to their partner.  On that particular Today Show feature the host, Kathy Lee Gifford, seemed extremely uncomfortable with most of what was on the table. And we all know Kathy Lee could be the perfect example of the average American woman. All I kept thinking was “Damn, she needs to get laid. Will someone please find her a big hard dick with a man attached, so she can let go of her inhibitions? ” But honestly, when I did a little more online research on the bondage topic, I discovered a virtual plethora of websites dedicated to tying women up. Most of these were paid membership sites, which tells me that with all the free porn on the internet, women in bondage is a BIG turn-on for men.

It is an unfortunate but true statement that many women are uncomfortable with ‘embracing their inner slut’ as I like to call it.  No matter how far we’ve come in the past hundred years, there are still so many stigmas around women who fully embrace and openly express their sexuality.  Let’s face it, there are only two letters difference between the words ‘slut’ and ‘stud’ and they really do mean the same thing. They are both words that describe someone who has embraced their sexuality and is not afraid to enjoy sex, typically with a variety of partners, without shame. Yet the word most commonly used for women in this category has a negative connotation, and the one used for men produces a big old grin and a congratulatory slap on the back.
That being said, how do you get your lover to admit to and play out her sexual fantasies of being tied up or anything else? First let’s take a look at why being tied up might be appealing to a woman.

In the past 50 to 60 years, the role of women in society has greatly expanded. In addition to the traditional roles of child-rearing and housekeeping, women have become breadwinners and financial decision makers. So many women are in positions of power and overloaded with decision making, that at some point, they just want to let go. I have been surrounded by these women most of my life, and speak from my own experience. All of this control and responsibility, as men have known for centuries, gets old after awhile. At some point, you want someone else to come in and take charge, so why not do it in a safe place?

Whether male or female, it is typically more difficult to express your sexual fantasies with the person you love the most, even though this should be the safest place to do so.  Prostitutes will tell you that’s why they’re in business, and the popularity of internet porn further proves the point.  There is often a fear that we will be judged and labeled by our partner because of our sexual history or desires, and as a result they will lose respect for us, and we will eventually lose them.  If we could all get honest with one another in the bedroom, kitchen counter, or wherever you’re doing it, sex could be so much more enjoyable for all parties involved. And spicing things up is especially important if you have chosen, and want to remain happy in a committed, monogamous relationship.

So here are some tips for getting your partner to open up so you can turn up the heat:

1. Get the conversation rolling – If your lover is open-minded about most things in life, chances are she will be open to a frank conversation about sex. While men are visually stimulated, women are very auditory.  They will remember what you say to them, even when you committed a major faux pas and you wish they could forget it. Pick the right time to broach the conversation. Women typically feel most safe and connected to a man just after having sex.  When you’re lying in bed after a satisfying experience ask her what could have made it better for her.  A question like, “what was the most erotic sexual experience you’ve ever had?”, or “where was the craziest place you ever had sex?” is a good conversation starter.  This will give you a barometer of her adventurous spirit.
2. Try a little dirty talk- In the heat of the moment, throw out a little innuendo. If she’s got fantasies, this will give her the opportunity to start playing them out at least verbally.  Use reassuring and loving sex talk, peppered with things like “I’d love to tie you up” or “I could spank that perfect ass of yours”.  If she ignores it, she might be uncomfortable, but you’ll be able to tell by her physical reaction if it is a turn-on.
3. Try a new move- Without using any kind of props or paraphernalia, test the water. If you think she might enjoy being tied up, try holding her hands in place while you nibble and have your way with her. You’ll be able to tell very quickly if she finds this hot, or unbearable.
4. Do a little sexy shopping together- Plan a field trip to a local sex toy and lingerie shop.  Tell her you want to buy her a present but you’d like her to pick out whatever will make her happy. See if she sticks to the lingerie or wanders into the toy section, then watch what grabs her attention.
5. Plan a sexy movie night- Ask if she’d be interested in watching a porn movie or internet video. Give her categories and see what she picks. Discuss it afterwards (if you get that far) to find out what works for her and what doesn’t.
6. Read an erotic novel together- Plan a picnic in bed with a good book. There is more women’s erotica available today than ever before. Let her pick the book, or buy one on the internet with some descriptive, passionate sex scenes and take turns reading to one another.  It shouldn’t take too long to find out what excites her.
7. Send a naughty text- It is sometimes easier to let go of your inhibitions in cyberspace than face to face. Initiate a sexting session the day before you see each other and let the sexual tension build. She may admit to some things in a text or even an email that might be hard to say in person.

A few other pointers:

• Get to know your partner and agree on forms of sex play before randomly trying things out on her. Don’t bring her back to your place and suddenly pull the handcuffs and paddle out of the nightstand drawer unless you met her at a dungeon party. There are some great beginner BDSM (bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism) toys available on the internet and in local sex toy stores. Sportsheets are an awesome alternative to using ropes or handcuffs, because they have Velcro wrist and ankle restraints that can be pulled up if the play gets uncomfortable or feels threatening.

• Start small- If she wants to experience anal play and has never before had the experience, be aware that size does matter, and in this case, smaller is better.

• Always pay attention to how her body responds to anything. When experimenting with fantasy – no means NO, and stop really means stop. If role-playing, establish boundaries and communication techniques before you begin.

• Sometimes just talking about the fantasy is enough to spice things up. Just because someone is curious about something, doesn’t mean they actually want to go there. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality.

• When it comes to group sex, unless you met in a swinger’s club or dating site, never bring a third party into the mix unannounced. Be sure that threesome she talked about is really something she wants to do, and not just talk about.

The bottom line: Communication is always key to a happy and healthy sex life! There is nothing shameful about mind-blowing sex between consenting adults and the brain is the most powerful sex organ we have.  Learn how to use it as such and to explore the mind of your partner, and it could take you to levels of ecstasy that will make you feel like a porn star!

Related articles

• Submissive fantasies turn me on (guardian.co.uk)
• The Vanilla’s Guide to BDSM (girlsarehornytoo.wordpress.com)
• Girls watch porn too!!! (notaperfectlife.wordpress.com)
• Every Relationship Will Go Through Sex Ruts Every Now and Again, But the Secret to Good Sex Is to Keep It Fresh and Exciting. (bigdaddyiesdiary.wordpress.com)
• Getting Better At Sex (suggestivetongue.com)
• Imagining The Erotic: How To Talk To Your Partner About Sex Fantasies (blisstree.com)

Image via Wikipedia

Empowered Sex Asks: Are women really sexually free? This is 2011 in America – “The land of the free”.   But after over a century of women fighting for their rights, I keep asking myself – are women really sexually free? I don’t usually make these blog posts personal, but this one is. I’m tired, and I’m going to be absolutely straight here. I’m looking for a few good men. I don’t ask for much. I don’t want a committed relationship. I’m an entrepreneur – a busy woman who doesn’t have time for bullshit. I have no desire to make space in my closet for anyone else’s clothes, have joint checking, or wake up next to the same guy every day of my life. I do however want intelligent conversation, male company, and fantastic sex. Not even all the time -maybe just once or twice a week. Is that too much to ask?

Oh yes, there is one more thing.  I put a lot of effort into keeping myself fit and looking good. I don’t think it is too much to ask that a man do the same. I like a hard body, good looks, a nice smile, good hygiene, intelligence, a sense of style, a sense of humor & a good personality.  Ok, a big dick is good too, but if you’re experienced at pleasing a woman it’s not a deal breaker, and if you think you’re King Kong, it will never make up for being an asshole. I happen to be attracted to younger men because they are typically more open-minded, don’t have as much baggage, and aren’t looking for a second wife, or someone to grow old with.  Besides, they more often meet the above mentioned requirements. And to be quite honest, I need someone I find attractive & sexy, who can keep up with me both sexually and intellectually.  I think it’s what men are looking for in a woman as well. If you find me hot & sexy, don’t you want me to feel the same about you?

I’m too old and too real to play games. Life is short. I don’t have time to text and email for weeks on end. Don’t have the bandwidth for long distance pen-pal relationships.  I don’t have the energy to pretend I’m something I’m not. What I do have is a very strong libido, a diverse set of skills, and a need to connect. Isn’t that what most people want in life – to connect with other like-minded human beings? Isn’t that natural? A friend with benefits is just that – a friend first, with sexual benefits. And I don’t take my friendships lightly. When I connect with someone – truly connect, it can be a mutually satisfying relationship that can last for years, even across thousands of miles.

So why is it so damn hard to find this? Unlike many women in their 20’s or 30’s I’m not interviewing men for marriage, or even a long-term committed relationship, and I’m certainly not measuring them up to father my children.  I’m sure there must be men out there who want the same thing. So why can’t we all just drop the games & the bullshit and get real about it? I like variety and I’m honest about it, but I’m not into one-night stands. I’m not talking about just a late night booty call either, though that can be fun too, once you know someone.

Look, a woman who is in touch with her sexuality wants great sex, but foreplay begins long before you hit the sheets. An occasional dinner out, a little dancing, or a good conversation over a glass of wine are all good ways to get the party started. Public displays of affection are not necessary, but passionate kissing is a requirement. Spooning and cuddling are good because they just make both parties feel good. Sleepovers are ok, but don’t expect me to cook you breakfast unless I happen to feel like it. Going out to breakfast is nice too. Understand if I tell you in the morning that I have a busy day and it’s time for you to leave, or if I say I need a good night’s sleep, it’s your cue for going night-night in your own bed. Get that you are not my ‘one and only’, or maybe you are at the moment because of circumstances, and live with it. Why does it matter? It does not diminish your value in my life. Quid pro quo – I won’t ask you about what or who you’re doing when you’re not with me. I don’t want to own you, and I don’t want to be owned. I like to know you care and I’ll let you know that I genuinely care about you. As long as we’re both adult about it, and are conscientious enough not to jeopardize each other’s health, it’s all good with me.

Forgive me if any of the above sounded like a ‘want ad’, although quite frankly, I have considered placing one – “please forward resume, 5 photographs (pants on) and references for consideration and potential audition.” I used to think that this open-minded approach coupled with sex appeal and a great personality would be a man’s dream come true. But I’m beginning to think that men can’t handle it. Are we still living in a world where men think that they are the only sex who can’t handle monogamy? Please tell me it’s not true. I don’t want to lie and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. I will accept you as you are and treat you respectfully, but I expect the same in return. Believe it or not, some women do understand the difference between love and sex. Newsflash: you can love someone & have great sex without ‘falling in love’.  I adore this statement from Grace Jones, told to me by her brother Bishop Noel Jones from LA: “I don’t fall in love, I stand in love. That way I can always walk away.” I’d love to meet this woman. She gets it!

Please tell me there are other women out there besides me & Grace Jones who get it too.  I can like you a whole lot, feel passionately attracted to you, even love you and simultaneously have wild passionate steamy hot satisfying sex with you. You may call that whatever you wish, but it doesn’t mean I want to comingle finances, see you every day, or own or control you. I don’t want to be controlled or owned either. Do I want to be desired? Absolutely. Do I want to be loved, adored, respected?  Of course – who doesn’t? It’s human nature. But these things are not exclusive to monogamous, committed relationships. After all, I have girlfriends that I love, adore and respect, who I love to spend time with. That seems to work just fine. The only difference is we’re not having sex because we’re not into girls. So why is it that you can’t add sex to the equation in a male/female friendship and still make it work?

What has our government, society, and religion done to us that there seem to be so few people out there who can get their heads around this concept? How many people are comfortable enough in their own skin to admit that they don’t agree with the traditional monogamous bullshit we’ve been fed all our lives – and that they still want these basic human needs fulfilled? Sometimes we’re just not at a place in our lives where we want a committed relationship, or where it makes sense. What’s wrong with admitting that? If you wish to remain celibate during that phase, that’s your business, but most of us do not. It’s never been a problem for men if they want sex without commitment. Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. And it’s not a problem if men pretend to play by the rules but still want variety. They will simply lie about it, pretending to be committed while they continue to sample the goods in other stores. If a woman does the same thing however, she is a whore, a slut, a home-wrecker, and is ostracized. And when a woman speaks freely about these beliefs and desires, there are few women or men who have evolved enough not to make a judgment.  Men will say, ‘Wow! I like your style!’, but few of them really know how to handle this sort of honesty. Tell men that you are open-minded sexually and are not looking for a committed relationship at the moment, and all hell breaks loose. The next thing you know, they’re texting you unsolicited photos of their penis, telling you how ‘fuck-able’ you are, or flying into town unannounced just to ‘do ya’.  I’m sorry, but just because I enjoy the company of men, know how to communicate honestly about sex, and prefer variety over monogamy, it does not mean that I am running a brothel for the cheap or needy. Can I get a little respect here???

I know swingers and I know polyamorists. I respect both lifestyles & yet I don’t feel that either of them is for me. I really don’t want to have sex with someone else’s husband or with a couple, nor do I want to show up at a club for a quick ‘servicing’.  To me it’s not much different than a one-night stand. Conversely, why would I want multiple committed relationships when I don’t even want one?  l had one husband for a very long time, and that was enough. I also don’t need to become best friends with my lover’s other lovers. And that’s why I don’t think polyamory is for me either.

Maybe I’m living in some sort of la-la land – a gray area that is just too foreign for most folks to accept.  Maybe you think I’m just plain nuts or I want too much. Sex is a basic animal instinct. We can all fulfill those basic instincts by having sex without connection. We can have it with a partner or all alone. Orgasms are not only fun, but good for you! However, I believe that sex with connection is sustenance for the soul the way that food, air and water are for the body -and that sex with connection does not require a monogamous committed agreement. What’s wrong with that? Does that make me a freak? Is there anybody out there that feels the way I do?

Call me crazy, but I really do believe that if we could drop our outdated preconceived judgments and fears around sex, we’d all be a lot happier. If we could be respectful, honest and loving in all of our relationships, we’d all have more satisfying sex lives without the drama. Is it the recipe for world peace? Maybe not, but I think we’d all be more pleasant, need less anti-depressants, and the world would be a better place. Your comments are welcomed.

Related articles

• Sexual Satisfaction Equates to Overall Well Being for Women (joyofspa.com)
• Revolutionary Romance: A Primer for Polyamory (thedistantpanic.com)
• Sex and Secularism – The Juicy Details (livinglifewithoutanet.wordpress.com)
• Sex Facts that Will Startle You (womenhealthline.com)

I got an interesting email from a Facebook friend earlier this week. It said:

Patricia: This is a public website. Change your photograph please. It is rather indecent. I have people that have observed this, and DO NOT want to have this on my site. PLEASE ACT IMMEDIATELY…Bob

The photo in question happened to be my profile photo which is posted in this blog.

A public display of sex??? WTF?

At first I thought it was a joke. I don’t really know Bob. He had requested my friendship many months ago and had sent me a few friendly benign wall posts. When he emailed me last summer curious to know more about me, I suggested he check out my website. A few more pleasantries and months followed and then I received the above email. Ok, so I gathered from his page that Bob liked to collect FB friends (he had 2300), he was married, and quite involved with his church. I had no particular interest in Bob, and wasn’t even sure how he’d found me on FB as we have no mutual friends. From his photos he appeared to be a jolly old grandfather type.

Now if you’ve been reading my blog, my twitter posts, or FB page, or you listen to me on Renegade Talk, you know that I do not try to hide who I am or sugarcoat what I do. In fact, I’m a bit of a publicity whore, and make no secret of the fact that I believe we should all just ‘embrace our inner slut’ and get over our sexual hang-ups. If we did, I truly believe the world would be a better place! However, I never email blast my FB friends, or post unseemly articles, links, or pictures of myself on their walls. I respect the right of others to be discreet in their pursuit of information on sex topics, so I keep all my posts sequestered to my own wall.

My initial gut reaction was, ‘this doesn’t sound like the nice old man I’d come to know as ‘Bob from Missouri’. Is this a joke, or did his wife break into his FB account? I replied to Bob:

Dear Bob: I am not sure what you’re referring to. There is certainly nothing indecent about a pair of legs. Do you realize that I write about sex, and co-host a talk show on sex? I use social media as a way to promote my writing and talk show. However, I do not shop for followers, and I’m not sure why you requested me as a friend if you are easily offended. Quite frankly, I am offended and quite shocked by your email. Simply un-friend me and I will do the same, but don’t judge me!

Bob’s response:

Somebody commented on this at church yesterday, and I was embarrassed, if you must know the truth about this….Sex is not for public display here you know!….FYI…Bob

OMG! When did a pair of legs in fishnet stockings become a public display of sex? I am well aware of P.O.P. (power of pussy), but apparently I had no idea that my ‘indecent’ tiny little thumbnail photo off to the side of Bob’s FB page would have so much power as to be on someone’s mind for days and become a topic of conversation in church on Sunday! Sunday in church – when all good Christians should have their mind on God – not fishnets, unless they are the ones being cast into the sea by Jesus and his disciples. Yes, that’s it – perhaps it was something in the sermon that day that made this churchgoer recall my scandalous photo. As ludicrous as this is, what’s worse is Bob’s reaction. Instead of quietly ‘un-friending’ me, he had the balls to tell me to change my profile photo. Well I guess it really is my fault that good Christian men are thinking impure thoughts in church on Sunday. After all, I did post that slutty photo of my legs in fishnet stockings.

The next day I wondered: Who can I inadvertently offend just by being me? I have nothing against Christians, Jews, Muslims, or whatever people believe. All I ask is that you grant me the same courtesy for the freedom of my beliefs and freedom of expression. I probably won’t read the Bible quotes on your page, and won’t be offended if you don’t agree with my philosophy on life. All I ask is that you have the courtesy to un-friend me rather than insulting my intelligence by judging me or trying to control or convert me.

I finally posted this disclaimer on my FB page:

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by slightly sexy photos, get queasy at the thought of oral sex, have never seen your wife’s ass while boning her, and you judge those of us who are open-minded and comfortable with our sexuality, you probably shouldn’t be looking at my site, listening to me on Renegade Talk, or jerking off to my photos and then blaming me for your guilt. Have a nice day!

Fortunately, after about 100 comments from other FB friends on this topic – all supportive of my stand on the topic, as well as my work, (and complimentary of the photo) I realized the whole world hasn’t gone crazy! Thank God! Yes, I said God – the God who gave me those legs in the first place (if that’s what you believe in)! The legs I shall never be ashamed of, Bob! And God bless you Bob, but a word of advice: Try taking responsibility for your own words, thoughts and deeds instead of judging everyone else.

I end with my favorite quote: “Be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”- Dr. Seuss

Hear this discussion on a recent episode of Renegade Talk
Follow me on twitter at @empoweredsex
Friend me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/patti.sommer17

Related articles

• Kim Kardashian Racy Twitter Pic: Too Sexy To Tweet (Photo)? (manolith.com)
• Romancing The Bone: No Really, Blowjobs Are Sex (crushable.com)
• Friend or Foe, Privacy Takes Priority on Facebook (quickonlinetips.com)

So what is swinging all about anyway? If you don’t personally know any swingers, the term might initially conjure up some interesting images. Like: flashbacks of B-rated movies from the 70’s of couples in tight polyester and flowered shirts making out in hot tubs or throwing their keys into the center of the room to see whose wife or husband they are going home with. But the swinging couples I’ve met and spoken with don’t fit that image at all. In fact, they are quite normal, happy, intelligent, healthy, attractive couples who come from all walks of life.

Recent studies show that 20% of American married couples are swinging. These couples are middle to upper class, work in professional or management careers, and are well educated. In our simultaneously sexually obsessed and sexually repressed American society however, the swinging lifestyle is certainly not something you’re going to discuss at a PTA meeting or a church social (even though studies show that a high percent of swingers do have a religious affiliation). As a result, I suspect the percentage of swinging couples in this country could be even higher than 20%.

Similar to the behavior of the animal kingdom when it comes to monogamy, swinging couples are socially and emotionally committed to one another. They are not, however, sexually monogamous. They just simply leave the nest together or with one another’s blessing when they decide to branch out sexually.
Unfortunately the most recent statistics I could find about swingers were from a survey taken in 2000 by Dr. Curtis Bergstrand and Jennifer Blevins Williams. According to the survey, the number of swingers has increased exponentially in the last decade evidenced by the membership to swinging websites such as Adult Friend Finder and Kasidie. The October 2000 study showed that the happiness quotient of couples who opted into the ‘lifestyle’ as it is called, increased significantly. And based on my own unscientific research, it seems clear to me that these couples are on to something that could solve the problems that tend to crop up in long-term traditional marriages and committed relationships. Problems like boredom caused by routine sex, loss of passion and excitement, and dealing with the issue of physical attraction to others – even same sex partners. After all, it is really not the act of sexual infidelity that breaks up a marriage. Infidelity is typically a symptom of other problems that already exist in a marriage. It is really the lying, betrayal, and cheating that causes the pain when infidelity occurs.

The research study mentioned above indicates that swingers are generally much happier and describe life as more exciting than sexually monogamous couples. While this study also shows that happiness rates increased dramatically for couples who switched from a ‘vanilla’ relationship to a swinging relationship, it would be interesting to know what percentage of today’s swinging couples entered into their relationship with this understanding, versus those who decided to change their marital agreement in order to improve satisfaction in the marriage.

Since the success of the lifestyle depends on the strength of the foundation of the committed relationship, it is impossible to say that swinging is the cure-all for any marriage in jeopardy. But in my opinion, it is certainly a viable alternative to divorce court – being much less disruptive, less expensive, and a whole lot more fun!

For more information listen to our recent interview with a swinging Denver couple on Renegade Talk FM – and stay tuned for more discussions about the swinging lifestyle on future shows!

Disclaimer:  This is only my opinion, and I’m sure it will be an unpopular one, especially with a lot of women. I am not dissing conventional monogamous relationships if they are working or proposing that everyone should start swinging. Furthermore, my belief is that sex with connection is sustenance for the soul, like food, air, and water are for the body. But regardless, I do not judge any of the various sex-lifestyles people choose as long as whatever takes place is between consenting adults.  I understand that sometimes we just need to have our physical needs met with a warm body as opposed to an inflatable toy or a battery-operated device – and this applies to men and women equally. But I do hope to open minds with an intellectual approach to this age-old topic.

My belief is that human beings are not monogamous by nature. Monogamy is a choice – a choice made by reasoning minds based on what we have been taught. Studies of mating behaviors of the animal kingdom show that even those species once thought monogamous are very rarely sexually monogamous. In fact, now that scientists differentiate between social monogamy (social living arrangement) and sexual monogamy, they have found that less than 3% of all mammals and 15% of primates are socially monogamous. And even though 90% of avian species are socially monogamous, only 10% of them are sexually monogamous. And let’s face it – we don’t have private investigators following them around so we really don’t know if that 10% of birds are leaving the nest for a little on the side.

Human beings naturally long for companionship, acceptance, partnership, and intimacy. But how many people end up in unhappy or sexless relationships because they believe that a conventional, monogamous partnership is the only way to meet those needs? How many of them stay in unfulfilling relationships because they fear being alone? What is a marriage anyway?  Is it a public statement and celebration of unconditional love or a contract of ownership? When we love someone, why do we need exclusive sexual rights to that person?  This possessiveness is not only condoned by Christian religions, it is the only type of relationship that can be considered legal in most western countries.

So where did the custom of monogamous marriage come from anyway? What many people think is that it was ‘God’s law’ handed down to us through the Bible. I used to think that this tradition was created by religious leaders and government, in order to exercise more control over mankind. And in fact, that is partly true.  I recently came across some articles and interviews with Dr. Israel C.S. Lim, a former minister and proponent of patriarchy. While I hardly agree with his patriarchal viewpoints, he had some interesting things to say about the history of monogamy.

In eight years of Catholic school, no one ever told me that priests had been allowed to marry up until 1022 when Pope Benedict VIII banned marriage for priests. In fact, it was common for Catholic priests to have multiple wives and mistresses even though their offspring were not allowed to inherit church property. In 1139, Pope Innocent II voided all marriages of priests forcing them to divorce their wives -all this, in order to protect church property and money. “Making polygamy a sin and marriage unacceptable for a priest was a slow and purposeful process”, Dr. Lim writes.

But when you look at the connection between the Catholic Church and the powerful Roman Empire, it becomes clear that the Romans desire for power played a bigger role in monogamy than the church did. Social monogamy, at least, was practiced by the Romans in order to maintain control over title, possessions, and power. In 212 AD the Romans made monogamy law. Is it a coincidence that the word ‘romantic’ is closely linked with marriage, monogamy and weddings? I think not.

It isn’t natural to expect to have all of your needs met in one other human being. Couldn’t we eliminate many of the pressures and stress factors of a relationship, if we could all accept this? What if we could be open and honest with our partners without fear of repercussion and social stigma? What if we could love another without feelings of jealousy or a need to control or possess them? Why is it that the animal kingdom seems to get it, and we don’t? Let’s face it – we all know that intimacy does not always lead to sex and sex does not equal intimacy. Nor does great sex equal love or love lead to passionate sex.

It will take a long time to change the beliefs of a society driven by fear, which has been created by the religious leaders’ and government’s desire to control mankind by maintaining power. I wonder though, how different this world would be if we were able to create bonds of unconditional love and intimacy, whether sexual or not, that would create expanded familial units, and eliminate possessiveness, anger, and jealousy – the very things in this world that fuel wars between sexes, races, cultures, or nations.

Dr. Lim concludes with this: “The enforced should-be monogamy, no matter how much it is sanctioned legally or socially, or how righteous it is portrayed religiously, never originated from the Scriptures, and has never been set as the only standard for marriage by God. It originated from the pagan Romans….”

I understand the desire for a romantic, idealistic, monogamous marriage. I made the choice to participate in monogamy most of my adult life, in my own (former) marriage. No matter how many people I meet who are living ‘alternative’ lifestyles, it is still socially unacceptable. Let’s face it, weddings are big business and so is divorce. And then there’s marriage counseling, sex counselors – the list goes on. Would the porn industry be thriving if we all got to live out our fantasies and have satisfying sex lives? Would our incidence of sex crimes drop? Would there be less depression, less suicide, less need for pharmaceutical drugs, such as anti-depressants and Viagra? What would happen if we didn’t need drugs from big business anymore to make us happy or get our dicks hard? Wow. Just thinking of the ripple effect that might occur if we began to reevaluate what we define as a ‘healthy relationship’ is mind-boggling. Look at the stir caused by the gay marriage bill alone! There will always be sectors of people in some cultures who secretly or openly practice polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry. I’ll be discussing those topics in another blog. But the bottom line is that I don’t see the norm changing any time soon. And I would love to hear your opinions on the topic.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Helen Croydon: Monogamy is not our natural state (independent.co.uk)
• The New Monogamy (psychologytoday.com)
• Till Death Do Us Apart: Where Did Love and Monogamy Go? (socyberty.com)
• Defining the ideal marriage: It’s not that easy (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

I have to make a disclaimer before I begin. I have no judgment around bisexuality, homosexuality, group sex, or anything else I’m talking about here. I’m just making a point based on my experience and observations.

Ok, so the ‘threesome’ is an age old male fantasy. I get that. It’s not like I was born yesterday and this has never come up in my life before, but it’s getting a little extreme lately. In the past month, I have had 5 such suggestions, or requests.  And it’s not as though they are coming from a boyfriend, or even a ‘friend with benefits’ I’ve known for some time. Let’s see, there was one from an old friend, one from a new friend, one from a total stranger on an internet dating site, one in an email, and one from a former business associate.

One request was for an encounter with an anonymous third for which the guy was willing to pay. Another was only the third email reply on a dating site -“I shared your photos with a woman I’m dating and she’d like to join us. Are you open to that?” Wow, how did I so quickly move from someone interesting enough to meet for a drink, to a slice of bread in a bologna sandwich? Another was a little more general – “So how do you feel about women?”  Gee, I love women, but I love dogs and horses too. That doesn’t mean I want to get naked and roll around in bed with them. Well at least he asked before making an assumption.  Another out-of-town friend who wanted to come and visit asked if I could invite one of my girlfriends over one night to join in the fun.  Ok, I love my girlfriends too, and I’m no prude, but quite frankly, if I liked them that way, why the hell would I even want a man in my life? It sure would make life simpler. The latest opportunity was from someone I had dated before, who thought I might like the date he intended to bring to my next burlesque performance (wink, wink).

Then yesterday, I spotted a link to this CNN interview with Gail Dines, author and sociologist. It was entitled

I certainly don’t agree with everything she says, but it did make me wonder if the proliferation of pornography on the internet was somewhat responsible for this ‘threesome phenomena’ I was experiencing.  Has the easy availability of online porn led men today to expect that just because a woman enjoys sex, she must be bisexual because all women enjoying sex in porn flicks appear to be?  And does anyone watching porn remember that these women are getting paid to act?

Dave Cummings, porn veteran and writer recently published an article about how to please your woman. In it, he recommends hooking up your woman with another woman and observing to find out what she really enjoys. I have met Dave, and we share similar viewpoints on many topics, so I know that he is being sincere in believing this to be great advice for spicing up your sex life with your significant other. But he is the oldest working male porn actor, producer and director. So again, is the increased availability of pornography leading men to believe that most women are, by nature, either lesbian or bisexual?

If you look at it from a logical perspective, two women and one man really doesn’t make sense anyway. With the ratio of orifices to penis, tongue and hands, it is much more difficult for one man to satisfy two women simultaneously. As a result the women are really left to pleasure themselves or each other – the ultimate male fantasy. And we all know two women are not necessary in order to please a man. Now two men and one woman makes a lot more sense to me, but it’s funny how when that topic comes up with  men, they go all homophobic on you. Interestingly enough, two men can enjoy a woman without ever having any kind of intimate contact with one another, but the opposite is not necessarily true.  Then of course, there’s the jealousy and possessiveness factor -that old double standard again. It should be okay for a woman to watch her man with another woman, and it’s okay to watch your woman with another woman, but ‘another guy with my woman’? No way.

All I’m saying here is to ask before you make assumptions and innuendos. And please, if you’ve just met a woman, at least make her feel a little bit special before you discuss the ménage a trois  fantasy. How would you feel if the first time you got naked together she whipped out her artillery of vibrators and dildos? It’s great to keep your sex life at a rolling boil by trying new things, but don’t assume that everything you see in the films that you enjoy watching is reality for most women. If it were, more women would expect their men to be romantic, rich, adoring, and look like George Clooney or Keanu Reeves.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Are You Bisexual? How to Know for Sure (socyberty.com)
• Bisexuality: A New Trend Among Teens? (socyberty.com)
• How Porn Can Help Your Relationship (alternet.org)