As a Parental Support Line Advisor and the mother of a (now adult) child with ODD, I understand how hard it is not to react out of fear, rage, impatience or hurt when your child draws you into a fight.  You often feel out of control and overwhelmed  — and like you’re failing as a parent. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner’s advice in their  ODD Lifeline program has been a great help to me and the parents who call in to the Support Line because it focuses on what we can do as parents — and what we actually have control over. According to Kim and Marney, two therapists who have worked with families of ODD kids for years, much of it comes down to our reactions to our children’s explosions. We don’t have any control over how they will react, but we do have control over our own response. Kim (the mother of an ODD son herself) and Marney also explain why it’s so difficult to parent a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder — why they can’t be controlled, and how acting out often develops into social isolation for the family. (I also appreciate Kim and Marney’s guide to implementing fail-proof consequences to defiant kids.)

When my son was younger, local support with a counselor was necessary to help me maintain my equilibrium and untangle the fights that left me feeling completely confused and exhausted. My son and I discussed how we could deal with our frequent arguments. I started writing everything down so there could be no doubt about what was discussed and agreed upon. That way, all I needed to do was point to the paper at chore time.  This helped us avoid countless disagreements and his attempts to negotiate his way out of things.

As James Lehman said in his article, Avoiding Power Struggles with Defiant Children, “You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.  Only you, the parent, can decide which battles to take on.”

Holly Fields has her Masters Degree in Special Education.  She has worked with children with emotional and physical disabilities for over 15 years in home, school, and rehabilitation settings, as well as therapeutic riding programs.  She has been with Legacy Publishing Company on the Parental Support Line since 2011. She has 2 adult children, 2 rescue dogs and 1 cat.

Books can open doors into safe, easy discussions about differences. It’s my favorite way to introduce kids to their own disability, their siblings’ or their classmates’. When my daughter Sabrina was young, I started with reading children’s picture books that featured characters with differences. I used it to introduce the concept of ‘disability’ because she, like many kids with autism or cognitive differences, didn’t yet understand what a disability was. At 5, 6 and 7 years old, we just talked about the characters and did not link it back to her and her disability. Concept first.

As she got older, I started talking to her about things that were hard for her to do, based on the characters in the books I read. I still did not call it something, just made the link from being aware of the range of disabilities to her own struggles. If she had asked if she had a disability, then I would have said “yes” and answered her questions. But she didn’t, so I didn’t give her more information than she was ready for.

By the time she was in 5^th grade, I increased my pointing out disabilities and connected them to people she knew. She could see that Sofia couldn’t talk and used a wheelchair but she couldn’t see that her friend Bonnie had learning disabilities. At some point during that time, she made the connection and realized she, too, had disabilities.

For Sabrina, it helped her name what she could feel was “wrong with her brain.” She had come home from school more than once “mad at her brain” because she couldn’t read like the other kids. She was starting to internalize her feelings of not being capable, and that she was broken.

Learning that she has a disability and that all academics are very difficult for her to master allowed her to separate herself from her disabilities. And because she had years of just being herself without any labels (that she was aware of) she had a strong sense of self.

But it’s not easy to acknowledge our kids’ disabilities to our kids. It brings up our own grief. Not long after Sabrina understood she had disability, we were driving by her older brother’s high school. “Maybe you will go there someday,” I said. “Mom, do they have teachers for kids with disabilities there?” she asked. My heart cracked a bit. Though I was proud of Sabrina and glad she grasped her own needs, I was sad to realize that now she also was a card-carrying member of the disability community.

I still read any and all picture and chapter books that feature kids with differences. Over the years, the quality and quantity of these books has risen significantly. Reading stories that allow me, as a parent of children with differences, to hear what might be going on inside them — to have hope that things will get better, to feel like I am part of a community that values all the variables in the human condition — is a wonderful gift.

I read books about disabilities for comfort, for information, and most of all for hope. I want that for my children too. I hope that someday Sabrina can read a chapter book and recognize herself in the funny, charming, kind character who also can’t make change, read a map or get into college.

A few books about Learning Disabilities

Picture books:

That’s Like Me!: Stories about Amazing People with Learning Differences by Jill Lauren

The Alphabet War: A Story about Dyslexia by Diane Burton Robb and Gail Piazza

I Have Dyslexia. What Does That Mean? By Shelley Ball-Dannenberg and Delaney Dannenberg

Thank You, Mr. Falker by Patricia Polacco

Chapter books:

Hank Zipzer series by Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver

My Name Is Brain Brian by Jeanne Betancourt

Anna Stewart is a family advocate, writer, speaker, facilitator and single mother of 3 unique kids. Visit her website and  Facebook page at Anna’s FaceBook. She is passionate about helping families learn to advocate WITH their children and teens and supporting those with AD/HD. Anna is the author of Mother Blessings: Honoring Women Becoming Mothers.

I wanted to write today not about whether or not extended breastfeeding is a good idea — to each her own, I think, and frankly I’m tired of all the judgment heaped on mothers — but about the nature of this photo and the article title. It bothers me that Time chose to fan the flames of comparison and insecurity by choosing to pit moms against each other, as if to suggest that only the moms who are “mom enough” can engage in extended breastfeeding. It’s also designed to elicit a visceral reaction in viewers who might find it unusual.

It also bothers me that the article pigeonholes us so rigidly, suggesting that you’re either an Attachment Parenting mom or a “conventional mom.”  The truth is, those of us who are mothers know that very few of us are only one thing and never the other. This is not an either/or kind of thing, where you have to rigidly ascribe to one point of view or another. We do what works.

I breastfed until my son was older (2 years) — but I supplemented with formula when necessary. We did co-sleeping at first, but then transitioned him to a crib later on. I used a sling and I used a stroller. The beautiful thing about moms is that we do what works, and we know best what is best for our kids. Pitting us against each other is not helpful.

Final thought: Parenting is hard enough. This Mother’s Day, instead of picking sides, let’s just give each other a break.

What do you think? Did Time go too far?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a fan of unwanted advice from strangers, family members or friends — the proverbial well-meaning busybody who says things like, “You’re spoiling her!” or “He’s just being a brat!” — without knowing how hard you are working as a parent, and how difficult it can be sometimes to parent your child. No, what I’m talking about here is the voice of reason — a common sense piece of advice that might have helped these parents think a bit before, oh, hitching that toy car to the back of their truck after drinking a few too many beers.

Since Mother’s Day is coming up, I started thinking about all the good advice I’ve gotten as a parent. Here are my top contenders:

1. Listen to your child. This one comes from my own mom. We didn’t always see eye to eye when I was growing up — during the teen years, we fought constantly and I was fairly out of control, I have to admit — but when I had a problem, my mom always listened to me.  It kept our relationship strong under the surface, even when we were fighting every day. She wasn’t perfect (who is?) but she was loving, honest and supportive, and for that, I am so grateful — and we still have a strong relationship today because of it.

2. Always ask yourself, “What does my child need from me right now?” This one comes from James Lehman, who was my great teacher and friend. James’ point was not that parents should do everything for their child, but instead, to think about what your child really needs in the moment, whether it’s to be told, “No, you can’t go to the party,” to have a consequence set for inappropriate behavior, or for you to listen and be empathetic.  James’ other great lesson for me: “It’s not about who’s to blame for your child’s behavior, it’s about who’s willing to take responsibility next.”

3. Over-praising kids doesn’t do them any favors. This advice comes from my husband Joe, who said these words to me when our son was a toddler. Kids know when you’re being honest, and they also know when adults aren’t telling the truth. Saying “good job” when your child really didn’t do very well does them a disservice in the end. (This is something I still have to work on changing in myself. Sometimes my nine-year-old son will remind me, “No Mom, actually I didn’t do a good job. I screwed up.”) It’s always important to remember that self-esteem, in children and adults, comes from real accomplishments.

4. When you need something from your child, you become vulnerable to him/her because he/she doesn’t have to give it to you. Debbie Pincus, a contributor here at EP and the author of The Calm Parent AM & PM, gives this wise advice to parents. My son is more of a realist and likes to draw me into arguments by complaining about anything and everything, while I tend to (almost pathologically) look on the bright side. As soon as heard Debbie’s words, I knew that I was trying to turn Alex into an optimist, and I realized that he is never going to be a Polly Anna, no matter what I do — and I wouldn’t want him to be! It was causing a lot of arguments between us because I wouldn’t let things go, but now I’ve learned to say, “Oh, uh huh,” when he makes a negative remark and tries to pull me in, instead of trying to convince him that there’s a rainbow wrapped around a turd.

Now it’s your turn — what’s the best (or worst) parenting advice you’ve ever gotten?

And Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there — I want you to know that your questions, comments and the stories you tell on Empowering Parents have moved me to cheer, laugh and sometimes to cry. At the end of the day, the best goal sometimes really is  just to be a “good enough” mom.

Through the years, I’ve collected many plants that my daughter brought home from school only to die right away. I’ve gotten a drawer full of paper cards, and lots of “cut outs” as I like to refer to them as. Whether my daughter has cut out a person shape, a flower or a number, I have it. I have construction paper riddled with glue, glitter and gems. I have clay pots, wooden plaques, dried flowers, and heartfelt hand-written notes.

In more recent years I’ve gotten store bought cards — And one year, a store bought key chain, which I loved. It was a doghouse with a photo spot to insert a picture of my dog Nells.

But I have to say, as my daughter gets older, I really, really miss the homemade, hand-crafted goodies. I looked forward to them every year.  I miss the running up and jumping on the bed with the glitter spilling everywhere. I miss the excitement of doing something special for “Mommy.” It seems the enthusiasm fades on Mother’s Day a bit as children get older.

I found myself hung up on this throughout the day last year. And maybe it was just because my daughter forgot to get me a card. Maybe it was because I didn’t get a card or gift from my Husband. I don’t know. Maybe my hang-ups are justified or maybe I’m just being selfish. Maybe I’m sad and mourning the fact that I have only one year left for celebrating Mother’s Day with my daughter under the age of adulthood. Maybe I was just frustrated with their lack of effort?

I can’t help but wonder, “Am I being taken for granted? Do they not appreciate me?”

Whether the answer is yes or no, I am still a mother. That is what hit me as I was wallowing in self-pity late this afternoon.

My daughter loves me. She loves me. I am a mother. That is enough.

What makes and made my day special, wasn’t the hoopla that surrounds what Mother’s Day is supposed to be according to the media; what made it special was the fact, the one and only fact — that I am a Mother.

What made it special is that when my daughter was doing the dishes when we arrived home from lunch with my family. What made it meaningful beyond any paper card could, was that in the middle of doing dishes my daughter said to me, “Didn’t you hear me?”

I said, “No, what?”

She said, “I cut my finger.”

I said, “Oh you did, I didn’t know.”

She says, “Yeah, I told you.”

I said, “I must not have heard you honey. I’m sorry, let me see — does it hurt? How did you do it?”

She said, “It was a knife. I told you and you didn’t say anything, so I thought you didn’t care.”

I said, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry, you know that isn’t true, ever.”

She asks, “Can I have a hug?”

I said, with tear-filled eyes, “What? Sure, of course.”

She held me for a minute. 1 minute. My 16-year-old held me!

That far out-weighed any expectation I ever had. That is something you can’t think up on your own. Being the parent of a teen, I wouldn’t have ever expected it to happen. Same with the way she held doors for me all day long, asked how I was doing all day long, wished me Happy Mother’s Day about 10 times, told me she loved me, went to church and  connected with me about something in the sermon that we had just talked about, and complimented me throughout the day.

And the best part of the day? Her thanking me before bed for being her Mommy. Her thanking me for who I am and what I do for her. Her telling me she wants me to help her raise her kids someday. That is what it means, in my book, to be treated like a Queen.

I don’t know what my husband and daughter have planned for this year — and maybe it’s not anything special — but I don’t know if they’ll be able to top last year. This year, I don’t have any expectations.

Gina Norma grew up in St.Paul MN, and enjoys art, reading, traveling, thrift shopping, picnics, volunteering and spending time with her 17-year-old. One day she hopes to go to Italy, attend college, and solve world hunger. Gina says, “To me, parenting is all about building relationships with our kids and walking along side them — not trying to control them or use shame.” You can read Gina’s blog at www.walkwithyourteen.blogspot.com.

For his birthday, E had received a gift card for a toy store. We finally put it to use. I explained to him how much money was on it and how much he would have left to spend, based on what he chose to buy. When we were done paying, he asked why we couldn’t use the gift card again. He didn’t understand that it was a one-time thing if we used up the value of the card! He thought it worked like a credit card. Another time, my parents sent him a two dollar bill. We told him it was two dollars, but he kept looking around for the other dollar, thinking it was only one dollar since all the value was in one bill.

Now that E is 6 years old, I feel it’s a good time to teach him about the value of money. He’s learning math in Kindergarten and understands addition and subtraction, if nothing else. I’ve mentioned in past blog posts that we use pretend money for allowance and the value of each “dollar” is 25 cents. When we go to the store and he asks if he can get something, we tell him how many of the pretend “dollars” it would cost.

Teaching kids about money is definitely a challenge, as they don’t have a concept of where it comes from (definitely NOT trees) or how to use it. To E, a one dollar bill and a five dollar bill have the same value since they’re only one piece of paper. I’m sure that the sizes of coins will confuse him too, as a nickel is much bigger than a dime, even though it has less of a financial value.

I’d love any pointers on how you taught your kids about money.

Melissa A. and her husband  have 2 sons and a baby daughter. Melissa’s son E has hearing loss and wears a cochlear implant. Melissa works as an administrative assistant for a non-profit and also runs a bullying prevention group and a book-related fan group in addition to blogging for Empowering Parents. You can check out Melissa’s personal blog here.

My son is 21 and it seems to me that he attends the “School of hard knocks” every day. The boy CAN learn, I have seen it, but darn if it doesn’t take him making the same mistake over and over before it dawns on him. Luckily, his mistakes only affect him, not others. He alone has to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I learned a long time ago which battles to fight with him and for him. Other parents may or may not agree with the things I chose to let go. This child refused to brush his teeth. We battled for years and around age 11 I just stopped. I took him to the dentist every 6 months for cleanings and provided new toothbrushes, toothpaste and rinses prescribed by the dentist. I reminded him, but did not battle with him. I had too many other things going on to fight with him over this. Yesterday he had his first root canal. I am sure they are many more to come from not taking care of his teeth, but it is up to him now to deal with this. I was actually impressed that he understood why this happened to him. He accepts the blame himself.

This morning he overslept. He does not have a car so takes the bus to work. There was no way he would make it in time today and was very worried he’d get fired. Although he slammed doors and had a lovely tirade, not once did he ask me to take him, and I chose not to offer. I learned a long time ago not to interrupt him and try to reason with him while he is in the midst of beating himself up over yet again making the same mistake.

It was not easy going off to work, knowing my child had this issue to deal with. I made the decision not to intervene, but I meant to turn down another side street so he would not see me drive by him while he walked to the bus stop. I felt terrible when I passed him.

The “old” child would have called in and quit. He would have blamed the alarm, the bus schedule, you name it. This child, this almost grown child, although he was beating himself up, still got himself out the door to face whatever consequence his boss would hand out.

Emmie is the mom of two boys, ages 15 and 21, both with ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. She is remarried and her husband also has two boys, ages 12 and 14.

I have found that to lower the likelihood of these outbursts with my teenagers, working with goal setting and time management skills has been very effective.  Life for a teenager can become very complex very quickly.  Life was a lot easier during grade school—even with sports teams and the classroom friendship skirmishes the flared up from time to time.  Now, during the teenage years, the landscape for peer acceptance can change almost daily, and demands from school, family, friends and outside activities can be overwhelming.  My words of advice to my kids included the following:

Be comfortable with who you are. This started with beginning to consider what goals they might want to pursue.  We talked about ambitions they might have and dreams they might want to follow.  Nothing lofty, just beginning to talk about what interests they had and identifying the talents they had which made them unique.

Yes and No. By beginning to identify their talents, interests and personality traits, they were developing a sense of self.  This allowed them to make choices in life and say “yes” to pursuing certain activities while saying “no” to others.  Consequently, the pressure of such a complex teenage world seemed to diminish somewhat because they could begin to see a path to follow and not feel they had to participate in everything or excel in every activity.  They could focus on those aspects of life that had the greatest consequence for them.  Adolescent eruptions became less frequent when they realized they didn’t have to put themselves under unrealistic pressure.

Real Time. Developing a realistic use of their time also caused the adolescent eruptions to subside.  Helping them construct a daily schedule, with built-in time for sleeping and family meals, was a great start.  Scheduling specific times for studying and limiting the number of extracurricular activities they could pursue also became part of this scheduling strategy.

Teens often find themselves stressed because they are trying to please everyone.  They get upset with themselves when they fall short in this attempt.  The adolescent eruptions that I have witnessed over the years are often my teens expressing anger at themselves for not being able to meet the impossible standards they set for themselves.  As parents, we can help our kids by providing assistance in goal setting and time management skills.  Believe me, they will be appreciated, even if your kids don’t tell you right now.

Dr. Gatty is the mother of two young adult boys, a life coach, author and organizational strategist. She also hosts a website, which offers stress management strategies, life skill development, and a means of finding your true passion in life. You can also find Dr. Gatty’s “Stress Management 4 Women” on Facebook.

As part of my intention to advocate WITH my daughter, I asked her what she wanted the kids to do differently. She wanted two things: not to be ignored and to be understood. Her wishes were the foundation of our conversation with the kids and the teachers. Since the kids were young, they did not need to have a lecture on her disability. They needed to be heard and to be partners with Sabrina in communication.

With Sabrina by my side, we all sat on the floor in her classroom.  Like most people, the kids had been subtly taught not to talk about differences. They knew it was impolite to stare or ask about disabilities. That was part of the problem, so the first thing I did was state facts. “It’s hard for Sabrina to speak clearly,” I told them. “But that doesn’t mean she has nothing to say. She wants to be understood just like you do.” And then I gave them the power: “What could you do to understand her better?”

The result was magical and brought tears to my eyes. The kids interrupted each other in their excitement to share their ideas. When her classmate Lillie suggested she do sign-language (and then I asked her if she knew sign-language so she could understand Sabrina), I could practically see the light bulb go off as she deepened her understanding of being a partner to Sabrina.  Micah offered to teach her the new dot-language he had developed. Emma put her hands behind her ears so she could hear her better. Then Emily shared that what she always does is listen carefully and then ask Sabrina to say it again if she doesn’t understand her. The teacher suggested asking Sabrina what the first letter of the word she is trying to say is, or ask her to write it down. Brilliant.

By the end of the brainstorming session, the kids felt much more capable of being caring communication partners to my daughter. The students had strategies to try. They also had freedom to talk about her speech issues — it was no longer a secret (that everyone knew). Sabrina started to get more invitations for play dates and birthday parties. She was seen as a full classmate.

Another mom I worked with went to talk to her son’s 2^nd grade classmates. Her son Jason was non-verbal. He was easily frustrated and affected by autism. He often hit or pushed his classmates. When his mom talked to the class, one thing they needed was to be able to share how scared they got when he lashed out. That was the secret they held in. They needed permission to be afraid and once they had that, they also felt they had permission to take action. The students felt they had more control over their own feelings. And that translated to them putting limits on Jason’s actions. They started telling him not to hit or push and giving him more appropriate ways to connect with them. They played tag with Jason but would stop and walk away if he hit them. Everyone felt more relaxed, and that also helped Jason stay regulated.

Partnering with classmates is the goal of talking to them about your sons or daughters differences. As children get older — say 4^th or 5^th grade — they may have some questions about the diagnosis. That natural curiosity is also in your child, and is a sign to start talking to them about their own needs. It’s all part of the journey of advocating WITH your child to help them become an adult who knows who they are, how they learn and how to work with their differences.

Anna Stewart is a family advocate, writer, speaker, facilitator and single mother of 3 unique kids. Visit My Website and  Facebook page at Anna’s FaceBook. She is passionate about helping families learn to advocate WITH their children and teens and supporting those with AD/HD. Anna is the author of Mother Blessings: Honoring Women Becoming Mothers.

Early onset of puberty begs the questions – who or what is stealing the childhood of this age group of girls? I researched the probable causes and discovered a study that attributes it to the hormones that are used in cattle feed. The study suggests that the hormones in beef could be causing an acceleration of puberty in American’s children (Journal Of Public Health Nutrition, 2010). Further, the use of the so-called stealth estrogens is why the European Union has banned the import of most North American Beef, which is hormone treated. The ban has been a major dispute and is under consideration at the World Trade Organization.

Another hidden but insidious cause of early onset of puberty is the presence of many environmental toxins, which act as hormone-disruptors. In his book, Our Stolen Future , Dr. John Myers of the United Nations highlighted the toxic effects of some of the estimated 70,000 chemicals in commercial use. Dr. Myers believes that some shampoos, for example, contain almost the same amount of hormones as the low-dose estrogen patches, which are used for hormone-replacement therapy in postmenopausal women.

Another study by the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005 describes that the age of onset of puberty for girls is controlled by the value of fat stores in the body. Enough fat in the body signals to the brain that there would likely be enough food and nourishment available if reproduction were to happen. In other words, improved access to food and nutrition has caused this change, particularly over the past 20 years. But the availability of food is a catch-22 in this regard. Girls may have access to more food, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the food is nutritious, or that the availability of food isn’t leading to a secondary problem of obesity, which is also a cause of earlier puberty.

This problem affects children’s social development, as well. It goes beyond the physical because, while these kids who are going through puberty at younger and younger ages may look more mature, they still have the emotions of young children. For boys, with the exception of stealth hormones used in beef and environmental toxins, the connections between fat storage in the body and early onset of puberty is reversed when compared to girls. That is, studies have shown that fat storage of obesity in boys actually delays the onset of puberty, which can affect boys in other ways, particularly when it comes to self-esteem and body image.

Is the magic of a full childhood gone? Statistics do not lie. Early onset of puberty is not only stealing our kids’ childhoods, but may also be leading to other repercussions in later years of development. Will there be other health or behavioral issues that our children must face because of it?

*Dr. David Sortino is a psychologist and currently Director of Educational Strategies, a private consulting company catering to teachers, parents, students. Dr. Sortino can be reached at davidsortino@comcast.net or on his blog: http://www.davidsortino.com.