My oldest was a gifted child, able to compensate for his behaviors until the third grade. As the work got more difficult and he suddenly had to work at it, he decided to pick and choose where he’d put his effort. His effort went into not doing the work. It was about this time he began ditching his math book in the bushes out front to avoid carrying it, breaking or losing his glasses so he did not have to wear them, and losing anything else he had possession of — umbrellas, jackets, lunch boxes.  He would decide the weekly Tuesday night English homework was stupid, so for a year did not do that Tuesday night assignment. He could not keep a notebook organized to save his life. I tried everything — organizing it backwards (remember, I do everything the “standard” way) with the newest material on the top; getting him an accordion style folder; a different folder for each class…you name it, we tried it.

By middle school I knew he needed a smaller environment, not a public school program to address his emotional as well as behavioral needs. Eventually his needs became more apparent to the school so they tried to have a college student “shadow” him and check in with him between classes to see that he had everything he needed. He ditched her every chance he got. Finally he was moved to a non-public school that addressed his needs (a lot of his organizational issues were also addressed at school) and I was finally able to stop pulling my hair out. In his senior year, a light bulb went on. He suddenly “got it,” became amazingly organized and made the honor role. He said to me, “Why didn’t you try harder to ‘force’ me to be more organized?” That’s not to say that he no longer has ADHD — he cannot remember to take a towel into the bathroom with him for a shower or take his medicine each day, but still… he graduated from high school on his own!

Then came my second one who has anxiety out the wazoo. His anxiety kept him from losing things, but his organizational skills were awful. By middle school I could not get him to keep papers in order in a notebook — or in his notebook at all. He would shove them to the bottom of his backpack, and if he was able to find what he needed, he would smooth them out and hand them in. I tried sitting with him nightly and putting reinforcements on the papers and putting them in sections, but he would rip them back out the next day. (He said it took too long to open the rings and take the paper out.) The teachers were begging me to help him keep the papers in the notebook. I turned the task back over to the school and one teacher actually volunteered her after-school time to help him organize his notebook one day a week.

We finally found a notebook in the 7th grade that worked for my son. It was two notebooks in one;  you just flipped it over to access each side. He kept morning papers in one side and afternoon papers in the other. We bought several. Last week, the last one we got fell apart. I gave him an “old fashioned” plastic 3-ring binder and asked if he could make due just until the weekend until we could go and hunt down the same binder again. To my surprise, he neatly organized and labeled his dividers, and placed all of his papers in each section, the “standard” way. After two days he told me not to bother getting a new notebook, he was happy with the lighter feel of the plastic binder and the cool way he could draw on a piece of white paper and slip it under the plastic cover. Imagine my surprise!

Now my stepson, also with ADHD, has his own “notebook persona.”  He both loses and breaks things. His notebook has an accordion folder system in the front, which he totally abuses. He shoves all papers in there, not in sections, along with his library books which put so much pressure on the rings that they break. We thought it was a cool notebook when he got it, but found out it in no way helped keep him organized. I got him a new notebook with no extra pockets and now he shoves papers in his locker. (Sigh.)

At least I know that when we least expect it, he’ll figure it out — when he is ready. In the meantime, all we can do is try to help him along the way.

Emmie is the mom of two boys, ages 15 and 21, both with ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. She is remarried and her husband also has two boys, ages 12 and 14. Emmie says, “There is always something happening at our house!”

His statement says a lot about children and their observance of power. Mason noticed that every time I looked at my watch I made a decision (small or large) that affected his life somehow. He reasoned that if he had a watch, he could do the same. This is not true, but what is true is that some kids have lots of power, even without a watch. Through tantrums, crying, and anger, children get their way and dictate what parents do. What children and teens often dictate is “let me have my way.”

Children and teens are about the business of getting their way. We all want that. The bad thing is that they don’t have the means or ability very often to make decisions that are in their best interests. That’s why they have parents and we are hopefully raising a better generation. (Spend some time at the mall and you may question how this is going.)

Parents often try to figure out their children and understand their behavior. There is a time and place for this and I am a huge advocate of it, but some things don’t require that much analysis. Directives like, “It’s time to go” or “Don’t touch that” require no explanation, especially to a young child. He or she must understand that some things just have to be done and they have to be done when you (the parent) say so. This helps them observe who is in charge whether you’re wearing a watch or not.

Dale Sadler is the father of two and a counselor, speaker, minister, artist, writer, and avid hiker. Dale works full time as a school counselor but at his private family counseling practice he specializes in marriage, parenting, and men’s issues. Dale’s passion for the family compels him to aid them in their journeys towards peace and empowerment.  Dale is also the author of How to Argue with Your Teen and Win, available on the Kindle.

Find out more at www.dalesadler.net, www.insearchformore.com, or follow him on Twitter @DaleSadlerLPC.

Here are three suggestions that I have used to help my teenagers during what could be a very difficult holiday. Check out these ideas, and then let me know other suggestions that you can add to this list.

1.    Let your teenager know that you have been there, too. Been there and done that.  Life is a journey, and there are times when we are single and times when we have connections.  Talk with your teens, in the privacy of your own home, about your experiences so that they know they are not alone.  The home is a safe haven and a place where teens can share honestly with parents.  Parents can be supportive by sharing their experiences as well.

2.    Listen to your teen. Really listen before giving advice.  Hear what your teen has to say.  The more you listen and learn about the reality of today’s teenage environment, the more closely aligned you can be with your comments.  Communication is a key element in any relationship, and keeping open lines of communication available is a healthy way to maintain and strengthen your bonds with your teenager.  It’s not easy to be a teenager in the 21^st century, and showing understanding and compassion goes a long way to helping teens manage.

3.    Create year-round family activities to remind your teens that they are always important. Start some family traditions that you can enjoy whenever kids need an emotional boost.  Enjoy meals together so that there is time for conversations and you can keep up with the many different events occurring throughout your teen’s daily schedule.  Include some opportunities for family time by watching movies, playing games or taking in a special event in town.

Parents have an opportunity to help teens through what could be a difficult holiday by showing compassion, understanding and sharing time together.  These are my three suggestions, but I’d like to hear from you. How do you help your teen through Valentine’s Day? Do you have an advice or tips to add?

Dr. Gatty is the mother of two young adult boys, a life coach, author and organizational strategist. She also hosts a website, which offers stress management strategies, life skill development, and a means of finding your true passion in life. You can also find Dr. Gatty’s “Stress Management 4 Women” on Facebook.

So, when my daughter was in 4^th grade I took her to our local hospital for Speech Therapy.  Since our insurance doesn’t cover any part of the cost, we were being billed over $300 a month for once-a-week therapy.   After a few months without seeing any improvement, we stopped going.   (The hospital was really geared toward speech for adult stroke victims and such.)  So, I decided to research speech therapy on my own.  There is a lot of free information online so I began trying to work with my children on my own.  I felt like it was starting to help, but then my daughter would always fall back into her old speech habits.  It’s so frustrating!  So, life goes on and then I realize my daughter is about to start middle school and she can’t say, “girl,” “world,” “hurt,” “first,” “here” and other similar words correctly.  I feel so guilty that I’ve let this continue,  but I am also so angry with the school system.  My husband had the same speech problem, yet he got speech therapy in early elementary school back in the 1970’s so that when he started middle school he was speaking just fine.  Why hasn’t this been the case with my children?  It really is a disservice.

So as always I chose to take the bull by the horns.  I did hours of online research on a new technology that would help kids with speech therapy.  I set up phone conferences and read the statistics on the success rates with this a biofeedback system, and we purchased it, along with online speech therapy that we do via the Internet.  We work on her speech therapy together every day, but it is still very difficult — old habits are hard to break. About 8 weeks into the therapy, we finally began to see a glimmer of hope.  It was like a light had come on and my daughter made the connection between tongue placement and the sounds produced.  The therapist who works with us online is telling me that she is doing great and that it just takes more time with some children.  I am not giving up on my daughter!  I know she can overcome this speech barrier.

P.S.  I just want to spread the word to other parents to get speech therapy early for your child if there’s a problem.  You cannot count on your school system.

Someone recently told me how people made her feel bad about using formula instead of nursing. I think that as parents, we know what’s best for our own kids. Some women are unable to nurse in the first place, and  it’s not anyone else’s place to judge how a baby should be fed. Feeding choices are between a mother and the baby’s doctor. If doctors didn’t want their patients having formula, they wouldn’t be giving out free samples.

Then there’s the judgment that comes with the choice of whether to work or stay at home. I recently read a Facebook post from a stay-at-home DAD who had someone comment to him that he was just babysitting. When he told her he did this full-time, she reacted strangely, like there was something wrong with a dad staying at home with the kids. I even get comments, as a working mom, that it’s somehow “so easy to just arrange my schedule to accommodate my kids.” It’s not easy at all! People assume so much about a parents’ choices when it comes to this heated topic.

I think there are some topics that should just be avoided altogether when discussing parenting. Nursing vs. bottle feeding and childcare vs. work are just the tip of the iceberg. In the community where I live, school choices somehow end up being everyone else’s business, in regards to public vs. private school. Then there are people who make rude comments when a child doesn’t behave well or a baby is crying in a store. Nothing is worse to top off the stress of a crying baby than a cashier or patron telling you (by giving a look or making a subtle remark) that you are a bad parent. ALL babies cry! They don’t care if they’re in a store or safe in their crib.

There’s also religion. That’s definitely a topic where outside opinions are not welcome. With raising our kids as Modern Orthodox Jews, we’ve gotten questioned over why we can’t just take our kids into a McDonald’s or if they’ll be missing out on too much socially if they don’t attend Friday night football games when they’re older.  Unsolicited opinions about how parents handle their children’s special needs are yet another taboo discussion. (We had someone do this to us once about our child and they’re lucky I didn’t answer back!) Other topics that shouldn’t be touched are the amount of kids one has, if they’ll be trying for the opposite gender the next time around (when they only have kids of one gender), if they should get genetic testing done (if the child is born with a disability), if they can financially afford to have kids, etc.

Kids can’t always contain their curiosity, but adults definitely can and should contain theirs. There are plenty of safe topics to talk about with other parents. These taboo subjects don’t even need to be brought up in the first place.

What have other people said to you about your parenting choices? How did you handle it?

Melissa A. and her husband  have 2 sons and a baby daughter. Melissa’s son E has hearing loss and wears a cochlear implant. Melissa works as an administrative assistant for a non-profit and also runs a bullying prevention group and a book-related fan group in addition to blogging for Empowering Parents. You can check out Melissa’s personal blog here.

He will do a workbook assignment for Reading class homework and it will be so completely wrong. It will be obvious he did not follow the directions, or that he used the directions from a previous assignment. Sometimes we have him redo, but we have since discovered that the teacher does not actually READ the homework, but walks by to see that it is done. He could fill the page with anything and get full credit! Okay, so I get that homework is not a huge percentage of the grade. So, what is he doing in class? Is his work completely different in class than at home? Is he copying from the kid next to him? Is the teacher spending tons of extra time explaining to him? Isn’t homework an extension of what was learned in class that day? Does he just forget everything he learned by evening? How is it possible that he can absolutely have no clue when it comes to homework time but still have an A in the class?

I have seen papers he has written for homework. They are awful. He will do them quickly and miss the point of the assignment entirely. I have asked him to rewrite, explaining what it was he was supposed to have done. He will then redo it pretty closely to what was expected. I know he CAN do it. But if this is what he does at homework time, what is he turning in during the day? Would the teacher have accepted the first paper, had he not rewritten it? The interesting thing is that when he does the rewrites, he does it on his own, many times not even using any examples I pointed out to him. He could have done it correctly the first time, but never does! When we talk with him it’s easy to figure out where he went wrong, or where he got the answers he got. He needs to be redirected and we need to explain step-by-step. Sometimes he will even say a teacher never mentioned a particular topic in class and he is clueless as to how to do the assignment that evening.

As for multiple choice, it is so obvious he is guessing. He should play the horses! How long can you pass school with guesses? A very clear example is a paper he did recently. He had to read about birds and their habitats. This particular bird lives in Canada but migrates to Texas. When asked where the bird lived, one choice was Texas. He chose that. I read the passage myself and saw that a sentence stating where the bird lived was at the beginning of the paragraph, but underneath was a new sentence about Texas. He pulled out the words “lives” and “Texas” which jumped right off the page because they were right on top of one another. Obviously that was marked wrong, but several were correct. He admitted he never even read the passage! Are his passing grades pure luck? When will his luck run out?

When he moved in with us he started 4^th grade in a different county from where he lived with his mom. We discovered he had not learned how to write in cursive.  When we spoke with his teachers, they looked at us as if we were asking something ridiculous. They told us cursive is not important and they would not be teaching it. I mentioned that his printing was horrible and they said if they could read it, it was fine.

Are my expectations too high? This is not my first child, nor is he the only child who has gone through the same county’s public school system. He is also not the only one of the children to have ADHD. ADHD children tend to do the least amount of work possible. When asked to write 3-5 sentences, they will write only 3. But my other boys, although they also only wrote the three, seemed to write what the teacher was asking. They both learned cursive in elementary school. The teachers corrected their papers with proper letter formation, capitalization, and punctuation. My older son had a teacher in second grade who insisted he have a smaller desk so he could sit properly, feet on the floor (not folded up under him), so he could form letters correctly.

My stepson recently got a progress report from a teacher. He threw it down in frustration because he could not read it. She had written in cursive! We mailed a letter together recently and he had no idea where to put the stamp or where his address or the recipient’s would go. In this age of computer are children not being taught these skills? As mentioned above, I have two older children. My oldest is 21, the next one 14. There is a 7-year gap in their schooling, and now this one is 3 years behind the 14 year old. Have things changed that dramatically in such short a time?

I have gone to school over the years to meet with teachers and see where my children needed assistance when their grades were not good. I do not expect children to pull straight As. I did not go to teachers and demand that my children get better grades. I worked with the teachers and my children to get whatever grade they could earn honestly. If they got a poor grade for not turning papers in on time or doing poor work, then they dealt with the grade. Going to school now and asking why this child is getting A’s for work that is clearly not A work is another ballpark altogether!

Emmie is the mom of two boys, ages 15 and 21, both with ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. She is remarried and her husband also has two boys, ages 12 and 14. Emmie says, “There is always something happening at our house!”

“The most important thing is for parents to view their child’s teacher as a partner,” says Natalie Schwartz, who conducts workshops on parent-teacher relationships and is the author of The Teacher Chronicles: Confronting the Demands of Students, Parents, Administrators, and Society. “Teachers want your child to succeed. Sometimes parents mistakenly view the teacher as an obstacle instead of a partner.”

From her book, which is based on more than 50 interviews with teachers, Schwartz offers the Top 10 Things Teachers Don’t Want to Hear—and ideas for better ways to broach potentially sensitive topics with your child’s teacher:

1. “My child is acting up because he’s bored. He’s so bright.”

“I’ve been teaching for 13 years, and I would say in that time I’ve had maybe one or two children who were truly bored and I immediately got different material for them,” says teacher Thea LaRocca, who has taught 3rd through 5th grades in Raleigh, N.C. “I didn’t need the parent to tell me.” LaRocca says she understands that parents naturally want to think the best of their child, but suggests that they try to be honest and think about why their child is acting up, then ask the teacher for strategies to deal with it. “If you truly think your kid is bright, ask for more work,” she says.

2. “I know it’s only an open house, but let me tell you about my daughter’s reading skills.”

This one applies to the beginning of the school year. “I’ll often see parents who can’t wait to prove how good their kid is. Don’t worry,” LaRocca says gently. “I’ll find out very quickly.” An open house at the beginning of the year is a time for kids to get comfortable with a new grade, meet new friends, and meet the new teacher. It’s stressful enough without the added pressure of performing, she says. “Don’t worry about it. You’ll have parent-teacher conferences in a month, anyway.”

3. “I know I agreed to chaperone the trip, but something came up.”

If you agree to chaperone a trip or an event or to volunteer in the classroom, the teacher is counting on you. But more importantly, someone else is too, says Sheila Lobel, who teaches 6th grade in a suburb of Albany, N.Y  “The child gets so profoundly disappointed if you say you’re going to come and you don’t,” says Lobel, who has taught for 28 years. “I understand that many parents simply can’t be there because of work, and that’s hard. Just be realistic.”

4. “Jane is picking on my daughter. I want her punished!”

Nikki Wilson says all teachers should take bullying seriously, but some parents approach classroom conflicts the wrong way. “A lot of times, both kids are to blame. Parents only hear one side of the story,” says Wilson, who has taught 1st, 3rd, and 4th grades in Long Beach, Miss., for 8 years. “You can say ‘I know my child is not perfect, but are you aware of this thing that happened? How can we solve the problem?’

More importantly, Wilson says, is to use the situation as a way to teach your child about conflict resolution. “Some parents jump all over the teacher rather than say ‘This is what we’re trying to do at home. Can you watch out for this at school?’”

5. “You give too much homework!”

When parents say this, Wilson explains, their child gets the message that school isn’t important. Homework is a time when parents can see what their kids are learning and take an active role in their education.

“Instead of grumbling about it, maybe ask for suggestions on how to help manage the time it takes to complete the homework,” she says.

6.  “Billy’s homework is not done because …”

Obviously teachers want to know about missed homework as a result of a major problem, such as a death in the family or an injury. Dance class, sports teams, and forgotten backpacks don’t apply, explains teacher Stephen Kelley.

“I just wish that parents would let the kid come in and face the consequences,” says Kelley, who teaches 3rd grade in Washington, Pa. “They think they’re doing the right thing, but kids learn a better life lesson: to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.”

7. “This homework is too hard.”

Kelley recalls how many parents complained when his school adopted a new, more challenging math curriculum. “It was a hard adjustment,” says Kelley, who has taught for 13 years. “But instead of working with the kids, [parents] just wanted to blame the new math series. They were complaining, ‘Why did the district pick this curriculum?’ instead of asking teachers, ‘How can we work on this? What are some strategies we can use at home?’ ”

8.  “Our old teacher didn’t make us do that,” or “Teacher so-and-so doesn’t make her students do that.”

“Teachers usually have a good reason for what they’re doing,” says Anne Marie Sytnyk, a 2nd grade reading specialist in Jersey City, N.J., who has taught for 40 years. Instead of challenging the teacher on an assignment, ask for the reasons behind it.

“Give them a chance. At least give them until the first marking period, and maybe you’ll see why the teacher does what she does,” Sytnyk says.

9. “I tried that. It doesn’t work.”

Washington, D.C., kindergarten teacher Patricia C. Wilkins says she hears this line from parents most often when she tries to talk to them about discipline problems. “It tends to shut the door,” says Wilkins, who has taught for 10 years. “You prod them a little, and you find out that they really didn’t try what you’re suggesting.”

Instead of throwing up your hands in defeat, Wilkins says a better response would be “I tried it and it turned out like this. What else can I do?”

10. “I wrote a letter to the superintendent detailing all the issues I have with you, and I’m going to read it at the next school board meeting.”

Going over a teacher’s head as a first step is both disrespectful and unproductive.

“It’s frustrating, but it really makes the parent look bad because the superintendent and the principal are just going to say ‘Well, did you talk to the teacher?’” says Debra Cupani, who teaches 5th grade in Long Beach, N.Y.

Cupani, who has taught for 12 years, says she understands that parents who are concerned about something at school are emotional and passionate about their kids. It can be uncomfortable to bring up problems with a teacher directly. Email is often a good way to start if parents are nervous.

“Teachers are always willing to listen,” she says. “We just want the best thing for the kids, just like you.”

Carol Brooks Ball is the editor of SchoolFamily.com, a website that offers parents ways to help their children be successful in school. SchoolFamily.com has tips about homework; studying; academic and social changes by grade level; information about keeping your child healthy; printable math, reading, and science worksheets; social and emotional developmental issues; and much, much more. Portions of this article were previously published at SchoolFamily.com.

This is not the first time E has made a remark that he considers to be precocious because he’s 6 years old, cute and innocent. He asked a family member about a sensitive subject even after we had this discussion with him. I know all kids have made a rude comment to someone, thinking they were just making an observation. Even I did it as a kid, when I told a colleague of my dad’s that he was fat. At the time, I didn’t see anything wrong with making this observation because I was just remarking on what I saw — I wasn’t intending to be mean. My parents didn’t see it that way, though. And after hearing the remarks E has made to people, I understand where they were coming from.

Our strategy with E was to have him only ask people questions about general things, such as, “What’s your favorite movie?” or “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” We advised him not to ask questions about their lifestyle, which is none of his business. We told him he could only ask more personal questions if someone gave him information personally (such as someone telling him they were getting married after being single for a long time).  We also told him that if he’s really curious about something, he should talk to us about it in private, not in front of the person sparking his curiosity. We’ll tell him what’s appropriate for him to know without giving too many details and still respecting the person’s privacy.

There will always be times when a child doesn’t know when a question is appropriate or not. We hope that we have guided E in the right direction of what questions he should and should not be asking other people. We hope that he’ll become used to our guidelines and play a good role model for his younger siblings.  Keep in mind that while kids can bring up topics on a harmless level, adults aren’t always so adept at this! This has taught me that we should all strive to mind our own business when it comes to sensitive topics.

Melissa A. and her husband  have 2 sons and a baby daughter. Melissa’s son E has hearing loss and wears a cochlear implant. Melissa works as an administrative assistant for a non-profit and also runs a bullying prevention group and a book-related fan group in addition to blogging for Empowering Parents. You can check out Melissa’s personal blog here.

Consider these recent cases in the news:

A father in Monroe, Ohio called the police on his 6-year-old for refusing to go to school. The police chief, Greg Homer, told the newspapers that the dad wanted to “scare his son into going to school.” Chief Homer added that it’s not uncommon in this town of 8,000 for parents to call the police on their kids for help with discipline and drug issues.

A mother in Salem, Massachusetts summoned the police because her 15- and 16-year-old wouldn’t stop fighting. “Arrest them both. I can’t take this anymore,” the mother of five reportedly said. (The 15-year-old son, who punched his 8-year-old sister and pushed his 16-year-old sister to the ground while the mom was out of the house, now faces a court date for hitting his younger sister.)

In a recent EP Poll on Facebook, we asked parents if they would call the police on their child. The majority of respondents said, “Yes, but only under certain circumstances.” (Worth noting:  A sizable number of you said, “Maybe, if the behavior was abusive and/or illegal.”)

What if your child is physically abusing you or a family member? In their recent article in Empowering Parents called ODD Kids: How to Manage Violent Behavior in Children and Teens, co-authors Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker Cordner, LMSW said, “Even though the thought of calling the police on your child can be very, very difficult and is probably the last thing you ever thought you might have to do as a parent, if your child becomes aggressive toward you, it is very important to follow through and call the authorities. If you don’t, your child won’t learn that domestic violence is not only unacceptable, it’s against the law. And he may have to learn that lesson in a much more difficult way down the road—with a spouse or someone else who won’t hesitate to call the police on him.”

What do you think? Would you ever call the police on your child? If so, what would it take for you to do so? (And if you have called the police on your child before, are you glad you did — and would you do it again?)

I’ve worked with hundreds of adolescents and they list the following as the most likely places where bullying occurs:
1. On the school bus
2. In the hallways of school while walking to a different classroom
3. During recess
4. In the lunch room

And what do these four places have in common? They are all places where there are big groups of kids who are also largely unsupervised. Yes, I am aware that there are teachers or other adults monitoring the lunch room, recess, and perhaps the hallways, but this appears to make little difference. The kids tell me that the supervising adults are not attuned or even paying attention to those moments when they are rejected from a lunch table, being called a hippo in the hallway, or even when they eat their lunch in the bathroom in order to avoid being seen eating alone in the lunch room.

Yes, we can teach our kids how to defend themselves against bullies. Yes, we can role play skills with our kids. We can teach them to toughen up. I am, however, of a different mind when it comes to this issue. I say shame on the schools for allowing the kids to be unmonitored so frequently. And, for goodness sake, who came up with the idea of having 13- and 18-year-olds riding the school bus together? Isn’t it our job not only to teach our kids social skills, but also to try to make their environments as safe as possible within reason?

Barbara is a PhD clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents. She is the co-author of Teenage as a Second Language-A Parents Guide to Becoming Bilingual with Jennifer Powell-Lunder PsyD and the co-creator of the website http://www.talkingteenage.com.