When it comes to giving consequences, I think it’s important to find your kid’s lever, and use it.  By their “lever” I mean whatever moves them – it could be time with their friends, their electronics, karate lessons, dance class, use of the car, etc.  So in giving them more of a sense of connection (getting them to come to the table for family dinner) or more encouragement for independence (doing their own homework), what lever will you use?  When my husband and I wanted our kids to do their college applications without our hocking them, we told them, “We don’t want to see you at the computer until at least one application is done.”  When that application was in the mail, they got the computer again for a few days.  Then we told them we weren’t going to see them on the computer again until the next one was done, etc.  (Obviously, this requires you to keep their computer in a room where you can see it.  Parents who wouldn’t dream of putting a TV in their kid’s room will put a computer in there – please don’t, it’s the same thing, and potentially even more of a time-suck.)

Money is always a great lever.  When our children first started announcing that they couldn’t find something (usually in conjunction with needing to get out the door on a deadline), our response was always, “If I come up there and find your [sweater, shoes, CD, iPod, phone, books, sports equipment- WHATEVER], you’ll pay me a quarter.”  (Obviously, our kids are older – I think you would need a buck now, or maybe $5, to have any impact whatsoever!)  When the mom-and-dad X-ray vision thing comes with a price, your kids will no longer invoke it with the same regularity (if at all).  And you’ll get out the door on time, with less aggravation.

Food works, too.  We had a chore list for the children every day (just written on a legal pad, left in the middle of the kitchen island), and they started procrastinating later and later in doing their chores each day until it became a frustrating back-and-forth of “When are you going to vacuum the family room?” “Later, I have homework,“ accompanied by the sound of the vacuum going at 11 pm while we were trying to sleep (my husband gets up at 5 am for work).  Finally, we told the kids, “New rule - you don’t sit down for dinner until your chores are done.”   In addition to being pretty funny to see the explosion of commotion in the house at the moment we made the announcement that dinner would be on the table in 15 minutes (vacuum going, sinks being scrubbed, recycling being hauled out to the curbside, leaves raked and bagged), those things actually got done.  Without our saying anything else, or repeating ourselves six times on a daily basis.  You can’t have positive interactions with your kids if you’re arguing with them all the time, or if you don’t respect them - and the way to avoid that is to tailor your consequences to what’s important to them, and then enforce those consequences.

SO WHAT’S YOUR KID’S LEVER? (And PS, if you use the lever and nothing happens, you’ve picked the wrong lever.  Keep trying!!)

Linda Falcao is a mother, attorney, founder of the youth volunteer organization www.americaserves.net and parent blogger for EP.

Despite loving a good snow storm that shuts everything down, I have now joined the group of Northeast dwelling sufferers of SAD — Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is simply too white and gray out there.  One snow day was perfect; the added bonus of many, a tad bit too much.

When offered the choice of “fight” or “flight” recently, I didn’t even have to think about it – I resolved to get out of town as soon as I could. Either that or dig a hole like the one that Punxsatawney Phil, the groundhog, lives in and retreats for another several weeks. Both pose problems, however, namely the fact that as moms or caretakers it means we will now need to oversee and supervise (micro-manage?) from remote locations.  But thanks to cell phones and computers, this is all just a button away.

Since I preferred the idea of escaping to a sunny destination rather than the crawl-into-a-hole option (something I generally feel like doing on a daily basis)  I took a deep breath and decided to join my husband on a trip to Miami, Florida. It was simply too good a deal to pass up. He was speaking at a meeting, so the hotel overlooking the beach was paid for. I had enough frequent flier miles and an accommodating schedule so I flew on a free ticket.  I even packed instant oatmeal that I could mix with the hot water I could run through the coffee maker so I wouldn’t have to pay for breakfast!

Now all I had to do was arrange the logistical feat of managing my family from a distance.  In terms of challenges, I believe it to rank up there with putting together an all white 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. But after I got the corner and edge pieces in place, I fled.

The first phone call came before I even got to the airport.  “When is Chris coming to drive us to school? It’s 7:25 and he isn’t here yet.” I reminded my type-A daughter that her older brother was decidedly type-Z in the scheme of things and would arrive not a second before he absolutely needed to, and probably a tad bit late at that.

When I got off the plane there were three additional messages. Unfortunately none of them was from my 82-year-old mother who also remained at home with prominently written instructions that included, written in BOLD RED letters, “MOM, Please call me every day at this number…”  I put my worries to rest, trusted my teen and tween daughters were taking care of my mom, took a big gulp of warm air, and walked into the sunshine. (Lest you be concerned that I am shirking my generational responsibilities to my mother and daughters, rest assured they are being checked in on daily and Life Alert is in place!)

Somehow the pressure of being away — and being on call –  must have gotten to me my second night. I woke up at 3:48 unable to get back to sleep. No fear, Benadryl is here, and conked me out till ten. I vaguely remember having three other phone calls in that six-hour window of time to do with such things as the location of cheer-leading shoes, the fact that the cats had each had three cans of wet food and the supply was now gone, and that Grandma was bored and lonely. I suggested she pick up the phone… Suffice it to say, the Benadryl worked, and I made a mental note to not repeat that same choice the next night; reading (or writing!) would be a far better choice!

It is now day-three and no new urgent matters have arisen. I remind myself that the grid of where and when everyone is supposed to be is securely taped to the kitchen island and multiple copies are in circulation. So here I am in Miami, but still tethered to home. I am off to the shade, with my to-do list and cell phone in hand to continue my working vacation and be available to parent at a moment’s notice from my remote location.

Hey, we all need a break, but sometimes it is a lot to pull off. Is it worth it — or more trouble than it’s worth?

Kathy Pride is the mother of four, an author and Parent Blogger for Empowering Parents.

This may sound strange, but during a recent visit of about ten local kids to our house I was more than a little relieved to come around the corner and catch a big brother roughing up a little brother.  Unaware that we were in the vicinity, the elder had just delivered an elbow thrust to the chest of the foot-shorter sibling and then followed up with a solid slam of his brother’s torso into the wall for good measure.  I thought to myself, “Whew! So it happens in other families, too.”

And with confirmation that conscience does exist, big brother immediately turned red and gentled his hands when caught in the act.  I could see the questions flitting behind his downcast eyes; should I dole out an apology or should I just stand silent and wait for the finger wag, or worse? 

Shaking off the physical insult, and holding back his tears as though to show he was worthy of defending, the littler of the two side-stepped nearer to my husband and let the embarrassing moment go with a shrug of his shoulders as he smoothed down his sweatshirt and promptly ran off to join the rest of the rowdiness — a generous face-saving move for brother and self.

Clearly big brother and little brother had danced this number before.

And I know for a fact that little brother has the ability to defend himself, and is willing to use tooth-and-nail and the fight-ending-groin-kick when needed.

Now I’m not applauding the Lord of the Flies mentality that seems to rear up when unsupervised rough-housing goes too far, but I am willing to admit that part of growing up is learning other’s boundaries and protection of one’s own sandbox when push comes to shove.  I just don’t like it when these same lines are drawn in my rec room between my own children.  Right and wrong is pretty clear, but dishing out the right at the wrong time — the choosing to walk away moment — builds character, gives self-esteem and helps avoid getting roughed up. 

Some experts say it is best is to let kids work things out (with earplugs and blinders firmly in place) and ignore the bickering, but simplify the rules about solving disagreements physically.

We try this in our house:

• Tolerance means each person has the right to their opinion and you don’t have to determine who is “most right.”
• No touching when you are angry
• If you can’t work it out civilly, you both sit in a time out and hold hands until you both give up! ( I don’t see this working beyond age 10…uh oh!)

My husband and I are grateful to be from big families who readily share stories just like the situation we walked in on.  As the youngest in a family of several brothers, my husband frequently recounts repeated head-tucks and “crying uncle” during wrestling matches conducted in living rooms, and settling disputes with competitive, pain-inducing arm twists and shoulder punches.  Now that he and his siblings are adults, all appears to have been forgiven and forgotten, and the stories are retold only to defend exactly the same actions now being repeated by brothers in the next generation of boys.

I can only imagine there must be some brotherly code of conduct that gives value to the act of the weaker submitting. Unless the walking-away choice is supported by someone in authority, such as when the big brother is caught using his flattening “skills,” I wonder at what point will children decide it is okay to bestow mercy on the weaker party?

It appears that learning when to walk away sometimes happens only after the weaker one learns they can never win or when they decide their person, possessions, even their opinions, are no longer worth fighting for.

Isn’t allowing kids to navigate these physical negotiation methods on their own called ‘natural consequences’? It doesn’t feel natural to me. And what if the authority figure, or the audience of brothers or onlookers, is unwilling to stop the aggressor:  How likely are siblings to attempt to settle their disagreements with physical tests rather than with words? 

I want mine to know that right now they might think of each other as annoying, but I trust that when they are grown, they will understand that the time of submission to the latest choke-hold is over.

Will mine learn to replace rough-housing with respectful communication and cooperative dialogue? Will talking really even the playing field between the strong and the weak?  It seems a little flexing of the muscles seems to be a necessary part of both sibling survival and self-respect. Or is it? 

Annita is a writer and “child-grower” living in the Midwest with her husband and their three inspirational children.

I had one of those “Mom in the Mirror” moments recently. You know, when you catch your frantic, frazzled reflection and wonder, “Am I doing this parenting thing the right way? Or am I screwing it up entirely?”

At the time, I was holding a lizard to my bosom to keep him warm. That’s right, a lizard. On my chest. (Shudder.)

This whole strange story started when my seven-year-old son (an only child, I should mention) became obsessed with dragons a few years ago. Every picture, book, story and flight of fancy was dragon-related. His imaginary friend to this day is a 6 foot dragon named “Boo” who follows him around doing various dragon-y things. One day the “helpful” librarian introduced us to a book on bearded dragons, and the rest, as they say, is history. My son begged, cajoled and campaigned to get one — his very own dragon, “small enough to fit in the palm of his hand! I’ll never ask for anything again! Please oh please oh please…”

Already guilt-ridden by the fact that my child can’t have a regular cuddly pet in the house (I grew up on a small horse farm, but in adulthood I’ve become severely allergic to every fur-bearing animal known to man), I agreed to investigate. I found out a few disturbing things: 1) Bearded dragons are from the deserts of Australia and need to be kept warm at all times — like, 100 degrees warm. 2) They cost an arm and a leg. Tank, heater, sand, tunnel, etc. will run you several hundred dollars — before you even buy the lizard, which is also pricey. 3) They can carry diseases, like salmonella. This requires you to wash your hands thoroughly every time you touch them. 4) They primarily eat a diet of live crickets. Ugh.

Being normal and fairly sane parents, my husband and I tried to distract our son in hopes his obsession would go away. We introduced other pets as options. “How about a nice fish?” my husband asked. He got our son a Beta fish, which promptly died after 6 months. We had a funeral for “Puffy” in the backyard last summer. My son stood over his little fish grave and wept for hours. Is there anything quite so childhood-tragic as the death of a pet? (For more on how to deal with this, check out Single Dad’s post this week on grieving the loss of a family pet.) 

My son faithfully remembered that I had promised he could get a bearded dragon when he turned seven. (I recall saying this when he was but five, with a vague wave of my hand, thinking, “Oh, he’ll never remember this in two years!” Yeah, right. Parenting mistake number 1: Don’t ever forget that kids will remember when you promise them something — and torture you if you don’t follow through!)

I gave up the denial last year when the fish went belly-up. I knew a lizard was in our future, so I told Alex to save every penny for his future pet – and that if he saved all his birthday and Christmas cash and bought the tank, we would buy the lizard. (Gulp. Spending big bucks on a little scaly creature is not my idea of a fun shopping experience. I rationalized, though, that even getting a dog from the shelter would cost that much — and probably more, when you thought about shots and worming and all that jazz. ) I also wanted our son to pay for part of the bearded dragon’s cost so he would feel a sense of responsibility about his pet and understand everything that went into his upkeep.

Alex faithfully saved his pennies, and buy the little reptile we did. To my surprise, I grew very fond of “Twister”– bearded dragons make great pets, like to be held, and are actually pretty fun to watch. My husband and I congratulated each other on a job well done.

Cut to last week. A huge Nor’ Easter blew into New England, causing floods, power outages and an incredible amount of damage across several states. (Winds were clocked at 74 mph in some places.) As it so happens, the small Maine town where we live has lots of trees, and most of them fell on the power lines. Long story short, our power was out for 2 1/2 days. Last Thursday night, I was up working on the computer as the wind howled around our house. Then it happened – all the lights went out, and the heat shut down completely with a soft whirr.

Oh crud, I thought. (My words may have been a little saltier, but I am sanitizing my speech to preserve the last shred of dignity I have left.) My son and husband were fine, sleeping under layers of down comforters. But Twister…that was another story. I knew if the heat went below 65 he was a goner. The teens at the pet store where we bought him had cheerfully told me that many of them “slept with their lizards” when the power went out. Gulp again. I felt around for a flashlight, went to his cage and picked him up. “Oh, all right,” I said, and let him cuddle up under my chin.

I went to the bathroom mirror. In the dim glow of the flashlight I asked myself, “Is this what parenting is all about? Anything to avoid my child’s grief if his beloved pet dies? And does this mean letting his lizard sleep on my chest all night?”

The answer, I am sorry to say, was “Yes.” At least for that night.

P.S. The pet store staff told me the next day that I could have just taped those little 10-hour handwarmers to the side of Twister’s tank until the power came back on. So NOW they tell me.

Have you gone above and beyond for your child? Where do you draw the line? Please leave your comments here.

In this blog post, SingleDad Founder, Richard “RJ” Jaramillo discusses dealing with the loss of a family pet and gives parents helpful tips on how to talk about it with their kids.

I had a surreal moment two years ago. I was in my old house, sitting in familiar surroundings. My ex-wife, Susan, was in the kitchen sitting across from me and sharing a cup of coffee. We both had the same look of grief on our faces, as well as relief. I could feel my eyes welling up as we began to reflect and share all the family memories of Ellie, our Australian Shepherd that was taking her last breaths in front us.

We were awaiting the arrival of our vet to make the final house call to our beloved animal.  During the course of her 18 years and 9 months, we had shared the love of our only family pet and there were no more treatments or prescriptions that would extend her life any longer.  We had come to the decision together with our children and everyone was prepared and ready to celebrate her life and let her go off into heaven. This story is about an extraordinary dog named Ellie, and a  single parent family that learned how to cope with the loss of a family pet. I have gathered some notes and would like to share some of the advice and steps I took to prepare my family for the loss of our animal.

Step 1: Assess the Situation
This first step can vary greatly depending on the situation. The reason I mention this is because some families can experience the sudden loss of a pet and are left with little time or room to manage. If this is the situation, I strongly recommend the “inquiry” approach. For example, a pet goes missing for a few days. You live in a remote area where there are predators like foxes or coyotes. You know what the possibilities could be. Do your “due diligence” by posting missing pet signs in your neighborhood and go door-to-door with your child. Keeping them involved in the process is important because it lets them know how much everyone in the family cares. When this exercise is done, the most important talk you can have with your child is to ask them, “What do you think happened?” This is the best way to assess their state of mind and to introduce other possibilities that are beyond your control. This is never fun, but be as honest as possible. Do not rule out any possibilities and set a realistic time-frame on results. There is nothing worse than having “guarded conversations” around children that have been lied to about the whereabouts of their lost pet. Now, I am not saying to openly force a conversation on a grieving child, but there is a point when every parent needs to set a date on a calendar for closure.
Step 2:  Communicate the Medical Facts
This may sound silly, but we live in an age of constant information and our children thrive on communication. If we have the information, we need to offer them the medical facts and overall prognosis of the family pet. This is not a lesson on “selling hope.” Rather, it helps your child understand that the proper care is being given to your animal and what the ultimate chances of recovery are. In my situation, everybody had a clear understanding of Ellie’s age, health and prognosis. She was 18, going on 19. Most dogs her size never reach 15! We consider it a blessing that we had so many happy and healthy years with her. But she was getting tired and slow, and the vet had given us a week-to-week prognosis on what to expect in the following weeks.
Step 3: Family Meeting
This was a family decision. It was important for me and my children to have their mother present to make Ellie’s final weeks as comfortable as possible.  We had a meeting with my ex-wife included at my house.  Everybody chipped in and thought of ways we could make the last days of Ellie’s life as good as possible. Now, I could feel that my kids were acting as if they could somehow control and extend their dog’s lifespan a little longer. It was easy to see that they wanted to keep her around as long as possible. I had to play “bad cop” and remind them that our plans were for an inevitable ending; Ellie was going to heaven. Our plans were made, her last days were going to be at Mom’s house and we agreed to cremation: all family members were going to have their own box of “Ellie Ashes” to keep for themselves. After the meeting, I felt a greater respect for all of us wanting to help a family pet that gave back so much love to us.
Step 4: The Final Breath
I had asked my children if they wanted to be present on Ellie’s last day; all three declined. I strongly recommend not having young children present for this occasion. It’s not that it’s a violent event, it’s just not the way you want to remember someone you loved so much. (Note to self: closed casket). My ex-wife and I were the only ones present and we both whispered our last words into Ellie’s ear. We told her how much happiness and love she had given us and I held her in my lap. There is a process to euthanasia which I can only describe as a “big sleep” and I will always remember that day.
Step 5: Post Mortem
When I picked up my children from school that afternoon, there was a quiet calm. I encourage all parents to share your thoughts and emotions and to ask your children questions after a family’s pet has passed. Many of the questions were sincere and very compassionate. “Did she suffer?” “Was she in any pain?” “How long did it take?” I answered every question and then waited for my opportunity to return the questions.  I feel that the most important question that every parent should ask their child is: “How do you feel?” and then listen. I think this is the greatest opportunity as parents to see how our children can emotionally communicate their feelings. And I also feel this is the greatest opportunity for parents to share their emotions with their children and to let them know that it is okay to feel sad and it’s okay to cry with Daddy or Mommy. i said, “We will all miss Ellie and she is in a better place tonight and is looking down on us from heaven.”
I hope sharing my personal experience has helped you in some way. I am not looking forward to the “Daddy, I want a puppy” conversation and I am not sure what to do when that comes up!

P.S. I hope you enjoy the attached video.

RJ Jaramillo is a single father of three and the founder of www.singledad.com. While facing the daily challenges of raising three children on his own after his divorce, RJ realized how few resources were available to help him during this journey. He started SingleDad.com in 2007. RJ lives in Southern California with his family.

“You’re not my dad!” my older son shouted at my fiancé the other day.  Hooo-boy.  Here we go again with the “blended family” stuff.  And once again, I am feeling more like I’m in a blender than a blended family.

My fiancé came into my life – and into the lives of my two sons – just over four years ago, when my kids were 2 ½ and 5 ½ years old; my youngest still in diapers.  I had been divorced for almost a year; my fiancé had been divorced for decades and never had children.  Nevertheless, he embraced my kids as his own and voila! we became a “blended” family.

There are issues which are unique to “blended” (what used to be called “step”) families.  Understandably, these issues can affect the family dynamic strongly enough that one might even question the viability of the relationship.  I know –- I’ve been there.  And I occasionally revisit that place when my guilt about the divorce, my loss of the dream “nuclear family,” hearing my children’s frustration and sadness in having two homes, or our differences in discipline becomes overwhelming enough.

Referring to EP Parent Blogger Melody’s latest blog on feeling like a failure as a parent, I admit that I frequently feel that “my best isn’t good enough” and my “blended” family is more like a family in a blender, with clashing emotions and unmet needs.  Sometimes, in a fit of frustration, my son(s) will angrily tell my fiancé, “You’re not an Engel.  You don’t have the same last name as us.  You’re not part of the family.”  OUCH.  While I’m not the target of those disrespectful, stinging comments, I can feel their divisive and hurtful intentions.  I cannot imagine how painful a comment like that can be coming from someone you love…

Luckily, my fiancé and I have come to understand that those types of barbed comments are really my sons’ way of telling us that they’re frustrated about something –- it could be that they don’t want to do their homework or it might be that they dislike having to go back and forth between two homes.  Or it could mean something entirely different (although it usually involves a power struggle of some kind).  The point is that there is more to those comments than just the words –- something is begging to be addressed.  Unfortunately, at times I have a hard time peeling off my own emotions and objectively examining the situation.  I’ve finally come to the point where I can admit that I need help.

James Lehman has an excellent article in EP on this subject: “My Blended Family Won’t Blend—Help!” Part I: How You and Your Spouse Can Get on the Same Page, which summarily addresses parenting issues in this unique situation.  His advice when kids scream “You’re not my parent!” is right on target:  “You’re right, I’m not. But these are the expectations that your mother and I have, and if you don’t follow through you will be held accountable.” (Duh –- now, why didn’t I think of that?)

Several other articles on this subject by James, along with those written by EP parent bloggers, are outstanding tools for stepfamilies.  Of course, there are many other resources on this topic, but I would really love to hear about your personal experiences as single- or step-parents.

Is your family blended … or in the blender?  What strategies did you use to deal with this situation?

Susan Engel is a single mother of two sons, aged 6 and 9. She has practiced various forms of nursing over a 20-year career. She currently resides in Southern California, spending her days trying to keep her sanity while co-parenting her children, writing meager fiction, creating an online business with her fiancé, and going gray.

Is Big Brother watching your child?

Blake Robbins, a 15-year-old student at Harriton High School in suburban Philadelphia, is saying that his school administrators have been spying on him outside of school, via a school-owned laptop – and now he and his family have filed a federal lawsuit.

Apparently, Blake was approached by a school official who said they’d seen him with pills via the webcam installed on his school computer. The school used a photo taken by the webcam as evidence, and accused him of selling drugs. (As it turned out, the “drugs” in question were Mike & Ike candies.)  Blake and his family are maintaining that his privacy has been violated, and the FBI is now conducting a criminal investigation. In fact, some say this case might go all the way to the Supreme Court.

Personally, I don’t much like the idea of Big Brother watching me — even if the big brother in question is my child’s high school. It’s one thing to let students and parents know that surveillance is taking place via webcam (although I still wouldn’t go along with that, I have to admit) but to not tell the students is another matter altogether.  So far, the school isn’t talking, but you have to wonder — whose idea was it to spy on the students at this particular high school? They did say the laptop policy of two-way webcams came about in order to trace stolen computers, but in that case…who was watching 15-year-old Blake Robbins as he ate his Mike & Ike’s? And how many other students have been spied on during the course of the school year?

Another parent from the school district said that her daughter used to have her latptop on and in her room at all times — even when she dressed for school. These days, her teenager puts a bandage over the webcam, as do most other students.

I have to admit that I’m uneasy about the idea of anyone spying on my child at all — even me. If he ever gives me reason to do so when he hits the adolescent years, I’m going to tell him straight up, “You broke my trust. Now I’m going to be checking up on you.” The unfair thing to me in this case is that nobody was ever given that choice — not even the parents.

Where do you stand on this issue? Should schools be allowed to watch the students, or is this a violation of privacy?

Elisabeth Wilkins is the Editor of Empowering Parents and mother of one son, age 7.

What parent hasn’t considered the possibility of postponing or rejecting routine vaccinations out of fear of a link between vaccines and Autism?

Over a year ago, and with little fanfare, Dr. Wakefield’s 1998 study indicating a link between the Measels, Mumps and Rubella (MMR) vaccine and Autism was exposed as a fake.  At that time, medical personnel worried that calling attention to the inaccuracy of the study could lead to a resurgence of vaccination avoidance and stir up the debate again.

The false link has been widely publicized recently, now that the Lancet Journal in Britain retracted the research results after it surfaced that the study’s author had published deceptive results.  According to the New York Times report, “Part of the costs of Dr. Wakefield’s research were paid by lawyers for parents seeking to sue vaccine makers for damages. Dr. Wakefield was also found to have patented in 1997 a measles vaccine that would succeed if the combined vaccine were withdrawn or discredited.

As a new mother in 1998, I recall hesitating, researching the web, polling my family and friends and seriously weighing my parental responsibility to do what I had to do to keep my child healthy. I wrestled with the question constantly: Do I vaccinate or not?

Usually, when parents are presented with solid information and choices, we are able to make decisions on behalf of our children that work best for our family.  I vaccinated. I worried, but I asked questions, and I forged ahead trusting our family doctor and my own judgment.

Some families in my circle of mother-friends decided not to vaccinate their children against MMR primarily because Wakefield’s research suggested the bundling of the three was unsafe.

Some parents of toddlers in our playgroup decided the onset of Autism indicators and the scheduled vaccinations seemed too coincidental to ignore and not only did they refuse MMR vaccines, but refused all vaccinations, in an effort to eliminate the risk of Autism claiming another toddler.

I know moms who went to great lengths to avoid vaccines, repeatedly filling out the necessary paperwork at school, rejecting the vaccinations for personal reasons, even when their hesitancy was met with looks of skepticism or a solid dose of patronizing head patting.

Then came the public push to promote what was thought to be Wakefield’s honest research. Movie stars began trumpeting an anti-vaccine message and Internet chat rooms filled with debates and arguments for and against vaccinations, against thimerasol, additives, preservatives, etc.

Sadly, those vaccine-avoiders neither hurt nor helped their children prevent the onset of Autism and Wakefield’s cautions and the debate that followed, actually had little affect on the rate of Autism, a diagnosis showing steady increases for children today. Autism now affects one in every 111 children and each year 1 % of children are diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum disorder.

Wakefield’s study did affect children’s well-being, but in a different way than expected; over the last 12 years, thousands of toddlers were not given routine vaccinations for old childhood illnesses like measles and mumps. The very serious illnesses that our grandparents prayed would spare their own children, our now-aging parents, have returned, and are affecting today’s school-age children.

In just one generation’s time, some parts of the United States are now seeing a resurgence in these diseases and the serious complications associated with them. The only thing worse than learning the Wakefield study was faked in 1998 for the researcher’s personal gain, is the shameful fact that 12 years have been wasted investigating false leads and distracting medical researchers from identifying the true causes or triggers of Autism.

Annita Woz is a mother of 3, freelance writer and Parent Blogger for Empowering Parents.

Recently changes have been made in our house. We’ve completed a few Total Transformation lessons and we have noticed an actual change in Thomas, our oldest, who is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and Autism.

Over the years, Thomas and I have had many struggles. In the past three years, he’s made some REAL progress in his behavior choices. He’s done work on it. When my husband Jerry and I first met, and Jerry was introduced to Thom, those two butted heads constantly!

I used to feel the need to justify Thom’s choices because in reality, I was defending my parenting.  See, I could blame Thom’s diagnoses, I could blame Jerry’s actions as not being appropriate, because then it was not *my* fault that Thom was choosing these behaviors.

Well, I have since learned this doesn’t help Thom and we’ve made some changes. And once Jerry and I began making those changes, Thomas started making changes. It’s great to wake up and have my son say to me, “Mom, by the way, in case you didn’t notice, I cleaned the living room all by myself!” And it *was* clean…not just a half-hearted attempt…and no one had asked him to do it. I told him I was proud of him, and to keep up the good work! 

It’s wonderful to have my son “hop to” when I tell him to do something—the first time I tell him to do it. I do not have to yell. I do not have to negotiate. I do not have to do anything but tell him to do it and he does it. It’s wonderful saying to Thomas, “When I come back from the store, I’m going to need help carrying the groceries in.”  And he’ll say “okay” and actually do it! Jerry and I even joked with Thomas that he’s been replaced by a pod child! He responded with “Nah. I think I just get it now. The talk we had was helpful.” The talk we had? Oh yes…The one where Jerry and I told the kids about the Total Transformation Program and how things might change, and rules and consequences were going to be enforced and we DID it.

There is a hitch in the get-up though. The other day Thom was having a bad day and griping about all the chores he was being asked to do that day. Jerry said “That’s no way to earn your allowance if you can’t just do it and shut up about it!” Whoa! We had already agreed Thomas had earned his allowance!  How was THAT going to motivate Thomas to continue? If once he’s already earned it, we turn around and say he hasn’t. The chores he was doing that day was supposed to be for his next allowance. Thomas was upset because we were late paying his allowance. Who could blame him?

I can understand why Jerry responded the way he did because in the past Thomas griped instead of doing the chore. But this time, Thomas was doing the chore and griping after doing it.

Jerry wasn’t feeling well that day and was taking it out on Thomas, truthfully. He and I talked about it and he apologized to Thom. He said Thom was right, he *had* earned his allowance. But just because he had earned the allowance, doesn’t mean he gets a “day off” from being a family member. That’s just not realistic and we went on with the wonderful things that have been happening.

I realized something that I think is important for parents to understand.  We had fallen into a trap of parenting Thomas as an “ideal child” before the Total Transformation Program taught us differently. And now, we were having trouble accepting Thomas’ changes! We forgot that he had made changes and we responded in the ways we had in the past. It totally invalidated everything we had done up to that point. So, Mom…Dad…when your child *does* start to make changes for the better, make sure you parent that child appropriately. Don’t allow his past misbehavior to overrule your thoughts and perceptions of his good behavior today. After all, this is what we want! This is the behavior we want to continue.

Heather is a mom of two special needs children and has spent over a decade working with them and other children who present challenging behaviors. She has been writing for over 20 years.

Dear PSL: I’ve been trying to be more consistent with consequences for my 13-year-old son. The problem is, he won’t give up his iPod when he breaks the rules. When I tell him to give it to me, he just says “make me.” To be honest, a few times I have grabbed him to get it , but that just makes him more angry. Sometimes he even shoves me, so I just drop it and walk away. But then he “wins” – he gets to break the rules and keep his iPod. By the way, the iPod is the only thing he likes, so it’s the only thing I am able to take away when he misbehaves. It seems like we are always fighting over either the rules or the consequences. Also, giving a consequence for every bad behavior is just making everything worse. What do I do?

–Stumped Dad

Dear “Stumped Dad”:

I’m sure many of our readers are nodding their heads in agreement with you! Finding the right consequences or privileges – and following through with them – is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. Certainly getting into a physical power struggle defeats the purpose of an effective consequence.

As you’ve learned with your son, some kids have learned how to get out of their consequences by reacting physically: if they put up a fight, mom or dad will back down. Or, if mom and dad fight back, the child can then focus on the parents’ inappropriate behavior, rather than their own. Certainly, it is not effective to physically force anyone to surrender something. Kids know this, and they often use sheer resistance as a last ditch effort to take control. Since this is happening in your family, it sounds like you need a new plan.

1. “There is no excuse for abuse.” First and foremost, let your child know that there is no excuse for abuse in your home, and physical aggression will not be tolerated. If your child resists complying with a consequence, simply state, “Fighting with me is not going to change the rules. You know what you need to be doing right now.” Then, walk away. Yes, sometimes this means your child will keep the item. The important thing is to stay out of the power struggle. Remember, as James Lehman says, engaging in a power struggle with your child only gives him a sense of control.

2. Have your child tell you what he’ll do next time. Once the situation has calmed down,  let your child know that the item in question will go away until he comes up with how he’s going to comply with the rules more appropriately next time. If this is an ongoing issue for you, you might even use it as an opportunity for your child to earn more privileges. So for example, when you see him surrendering his iPod at the appropriate time, he earns an extra half-an-hour on his curfew. If he doesn’t surrender it appropriately, he gets no extra time. (For more on stepping out of power struggles, see James’ article “Power Struggles Part I: Are You at War with a Defiant Child?”)

Remember, effective consequences help your child improve their behavior. If you are getting into more power struggles, or your child’s behavior is not improving, you may need to reevaluate your consequences.

3. Match one privilege to one behavior or task. While it can be tempting to use the same consequence for everything, it can often bacfire, as you’ve said: your child will lose the privilege more often than he earns one; your child can earn it for one thing only to lose it for something completely different (which leads to frustration and more non-compliance); and if they’ve already lost it for the day, many kids will give up and not follow any more rules. And why should they? They’ve already lost the one thing they could earn. You also make a lot more work for yourself: keeping track of what they lost, and why, and when they can have it back! You are more likely to see improvement and compliance if you focus on one or two behaviors at a time, and match a specific privilege to that behavior or task. That consistency makes it easier on the parent as well – no more frantically trying to come up with a consequence in the moment, or keeping track of who lost what when!

 4. Focus on one thing at a time. Most parents have a long list of things they want their child to do differently. but let’s face it – bombarding someone with every little thing they are doing wrong is unlikely to make them change. In fact, if a kid is in trouble every time they turn around, they are likely to feel so overwhelmed, they won’t even bother to try. You are more likely to be successful if you choose one or two “top” behaviors, focus on the skills your child needs to improve, and use consequences to encourage practice of those new skills. Once there has been improvement, you can build on that experience as you move on to the next most pressing behaviors on your list. You  may even see that as your child improves his skills in one area, he naturally improves in others.

5. Increase your currency. If, like “Stumped Dad,” you feel you have few privileges to use, have a discussion with your child about what they might like to earn on a daily basis. Even if your child says they only care about one thing, you may be surprised at what they come up with – for example, earning more time on the computer, a later curfew, driving time for their permit, or more minutes on their cell phone. Remember – privileges are the “currency” you use to get your child to do something they have no interest in doing: use what they want to help you get what you want.

 6. Give, rather than take away. Rather than struggle to remove an item from your child, consider having the item off-limits until the desired task is done – that way you get to give the item (or have it turned on), rather than have it surrendered. For example, let’s say your child needs to complete his homework by 5 p.m. each school day. When he has successfully completed it, he can have his iPod until bedtime. If he can’t complete the task, he won’t get the item that day, but he gets to try again the next day. Of course, this means that at some point, the item needs to be in your possession. If your child does not surrender the item without a struggle, you may need to use a different item as a privilege to avoid that.

7. Control what you can. When thinking about consequences and privileges, you might choose items over which you have more control, such as cell phones or internet access. Many cell phone companies will allow you to turn a cell phone off and on remotely, rather than having to have physical possession of the phone. Some internet companies also provide parents with ways of limiting access. Check with your local providers to see what parental controls are available. For battery-powered items, you might keep possession of the charging unit, letting your child know that the electronics only get charged when the work is done. If your older teen is working towards her license, a privilege might be logging daily driving time – which you can easily withhold. While this may seem petty, the important thing is to control what you can, without getting into verbal or physical power struggles with your child.

Remember to keep your consequences simple and direct, and step away from power struggles when they happen. Work on one or two behaviors at a time, match one privilege to one task, and give your child an opportunity to earn their privileges every day. For more ideas, you might also check out “why don’t consequences work for my teen”. Good luck!

Megan Devine is a Parental Support Line Advisor for the Total Transformation Program and contributing writer for Empowering Parents.