From the day we took my son home from the hospital, I knew it was going to be a wild ride.   He cried all night long and didn’t stop for six months.   He was adopted and we knew little about his birth parents’ medical history and none of their family’s history.  After six months, my son was a happy but very impulsive, hyper little boy.  If a thought crossed his mind he was carrying it out no matter how often we said “NO!”  He was always very good at approaching new people and making friends.  Staying friends was more of a problem.  His lack of impulse control did not allow him to realize how much he was irritating and sometimes hurting others.  Play turned into someone’s feelings getting hurt because he would not stop when they asked him to stop when the play turned too rough for them.  Little did I know at that time that I was set to micromanage his life from there on out.

Because of this pattern with making and losing friends and not having a lot of success in school, his self-esteem diminished.  We rapidly rolled down the hill from there.  Putting any effort into any task became a problem and homework became an even bigger battle.  He started throwing an answer in the blank just to say his homework was done.  He doesn’t care if it is done accurately, he doesn’t care if the answer doesn’t make any sense — he just truly doesn’t care.  He is currently on his third round of correcting homework.  The problem is, he doesn’t change the answer; he just erases the “x” that’s indicating a wrong answer.  If someone sits with him through every step of homework, it’s done correctly.  If someone just sits nearby and asks him to complete homework, it’s just done without any accuracy.

Now my son is 15, and I still micromanage his day.  From personal hygiene to putting his PE clothes in his book sack.  Everything that you ask him to do is “later” — and later never comes.  Every night it’s a fight to get him to bring the dog inside, every night we argue that “yes” the dog does need food every day.  Every task is a means to negotiate and/or argue.  Nothing is ever just simply done without raking it over the coals first.  One night after an exhausting argument I asked him to take a bath and he asked why.  With no strength left I simply stated “because every night you take a bath at 8:00.”  He accepted that and now we no longer argue or negotiate bath time.  I’m told routine is the best thing for him, but he is the one who keeps me struggling to remain in  a routine.  I am not ADD/ADHD but I can’t seem to find a consistent routine to keep us both in line.

Through perseverance, striving for consistency, and Karate lessons for self-control, I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. He is starting to care about the outcome of something.  Although, I no sooner give accolades for some form of improvement and the light at the end of the tunnel goes out. Every day is a battle, and I’m still trying to find my balance, but things are improving. It’s exhausting, but it’s a battle worth fighting.

Empowering Parents welcomes Angie Schexnaider to our Parent Blogger team! Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.

As a parent of a special needs child, one often does not know where to begin. It all can depend on how old the child is when he or she is diagnosed. If a child is age 3 or older, one of the first things a parent should do is to request his or her child to have an individualized education plan (IEP).

Even if a child does not have a specific diagnosis, an IEP may be given based on general categories, such as a “communication” based disorder. How does a parent obtain an IEP?

Each state, different school districts, or even different schools in the same district, have different guidelines when it comes to the specifics, but all must follow the rules set forth in the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) which entitles every child to a free, appropriate public education (known as FAPE).  It is the definition of what constitutes a FAPE where each school district and state differs.

The first step in the process, no matter the locale, is to request that the school evaluate the child to see if he or she should have special services. Teachers, administrators, paraprofessionals and professionals such as psychologists will gather information (from the child’s parents, doctors, etc.), perform tests and observe the child over a specified amount of time.  It is at this point that a parent should receive a copy of “Parents Rights in Special Education: Notice of Procedural Safeguards.” This booklet will outline the rights of parents and children as specified by that state. It also contains local resources for parents.

After the initial evaluation, the parent will review the recommendations. The parent can agree in part or in whole. The parts that the parent agrees with will be implemented and a compromise on the others will be made at some future time or will not be implemented at all, depending on the consent of the parent.  A parent does not have to agree to any or all of the recommendations. If he or she does not agree, there is a due process that is outlined in the Notice of Procedural Safeguards for the parents to follow.

If a FAPE cannot be made with the IEP, a parent has the right for the child to attend another school at the cost of the school district, but certain guidelines must be followed first. Those guidelines vary by state and can be found in the Notice of Procedural Safeguards.

If a child has behavioral problems, the IEP process can be utilized to work as a behavioral contract between the school personnel, the student and the parent(s). The goals contained in the IEP will be specific to that child’s actions that were a struggle in the past and contain strategies for how to help the child overcome the struggles. This is where the parent can best influence how the school will handle the child’s misbehavior and make it streamlined with how things are handled at home.

Empowering Parents welcomes Heather Sedlock to the EP Parent Blogger team. To read more about Heather and all our contributing bloggers, please click here.

One of my main goals as a mom — and in my opinion, one of the most important qualities you can have as a parent — is to be more flexible and adaptable. Now, when I say “flexible” I don’t mean that you should throw rules, limits, or structure out the window. What I mean is that we all need to be open to trying new ideas and techniques when the old ones aren’t working anymore.

I have many parents tell me on the Support Line that they’re confused and overwhelmed because unexpected problems pop up in their lives. The good news is that most of the smaller issues that come up often require very minimal time and effort to resolve, and then you can move back to the behavior you’d like to see changed in your child. Let’s say there’s a core issue that you’re working on—maybe it’s your child’s refusal to do homework.  Now let’s say your child refuses to do chores one day after school. You may start to feel like, “Here we go, another issue.” But you can respond to this without making it a full blown battle. You could simply say, “Well, that’s too bad, because you’re going to miss out on computer time after dinner tonight until you get those chores—and your homework—done.”  You have quickly handled this incident without using a lengthy problem-solving discussion.  Your priority issue, the homework, is what will get the most attention and energy until that is mastered.  Then you can move forward with the next challenge, which might be getting your child to do her chores on a regular basis.

When a big problem comes up, our tendency might be to take cover in the familiar routines that we’ve established. But just remember that straying from those routines enables us to experiment with other techniques. In fact, James Lehman says that’s an important part of the problem-solving process. He emphasizes that kids naturally like to try new things because it helps them figure out who they are. Well, I think it’s important for us to try different things, even as adults.

I also believe that while problems create an imbalance in our lives, they are also an opportunity to break away from the patterns that we get locked into. They shake everything up and force us to learn how to be flexible. Sometimes you just have to be aware that the opportunity is there so you can take advantage of it.

So in other words, stuff happens—and thank goodness it does!

Tina Wakefield is a Parental Support Line Advisor for The Total Transformation Program.

When our son TJ was nearing the end of 7th grade, he had not yet earned any AR*, or “Accelerated Reading” points.  In an attempt to resolve this before the deadline, we created scheduled reading times and reading quantities (number of pages per day) but he still could not finish his books or pass an AR test.

With the end of the grading period approaching, I decided I would read his AR book to him so I could discuss each chapter with him in hopes that it would help him remember the story better.

One evening as we were discussing a chapter I’d just read to him, I was getting very frustrated because he could not tell me much about the story. I told him, “Just picture it in your head so you don’t have to memorize it all… picture it like a movie in your head.”  He told me he couldn’t do that and my response was, “Of course you can!  You’ve seen lots of movies.  You know how it works.”

He stated, “I can’t make a movie in my head because I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like.”  I proceeded to tell him that he didn’t have to “know” what it looked like because he could make it look however he wanted to based on the story’s descriptions.

After going back and forth with TJ, this thought finally dawned on me: “Maybe some people just can’t make a movie in their head.” After all, that’s what TJ has been telling me, so why am I insisting that he can?

There I was again, trying to force my “right” on him.  Why wasn’t I listening to him?

After the realization that TJ truly could not picture the story when reading a book, I experimented with what could be done to modify his AR requirement.  I spoke with the teachers, and they understood that due to this learning difference, he would unlikely be a high AR achiever. We were able to set his AR goal at an attainable level.

The next problem? How could I help him to achieve even this lower level AR goal?  Usually the students would go to the library once a week for about 45 minutes to make their selection and start on their book.  However, for TJ this was not a long enough time to make a good selection for his needs and interests. He oftentimes was stuck with a book that didn’t suit him or was too advanced for him.  So, I took a more active role in the book selection. Now, each time he needs a new book I check out books from the public library based on his preferences, the grade level, point level, as well as the number of pages (I only choose books for TJ that have less than 30,000 words).  I pick out five or six books based on the outlined criteria and he chooses one or two from the bunch.

Basically, by paying attention to TJ’s needs I can help him to be successful in the AR program.  Despite the feeling early on that the program would be nothing but a reminder of failure it can now be another avenue for success.

*AR is Accelerated Reading, which is a program utilized in our school district’s reading program.  Thousands of books are given a grade level and a point level, determined by the difficulty and length of each book, and a quiz is given for each to determine how many points the student earns for each book.  Each student has an AR “goal” and their grade is based on the percentage of their goal that they achieve each grading period.

Greengirl11 is a mom of three and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.

Dear PSL:

I am at my wit’s end. I have been trying to get my 19 year old son to get a job for months now. He says he’s trying, but I can’t be sure, as I am not home during the day to supervise him. I also just found out that he has been lying to me about finishing his high school diploma online. I try to motivate him to get a job, but he just doesn’t seem to care. He’s not a bad kid. I just find that I am starting to resent working so hard to put a roof over his head when he is doing nothing all day, and then lying to me about it. What can I do to make him care?

–Pulling My Hair Out

Dear “Pulling My Hair Out”:

It may be small comfort, but you are certainly not alone — we hear from so many parents in similar situations on the Support Line. You have worked hard to provide for your child, and expect him to take some responsibility for himself, and to care about becoming independent. But the truth is, most teens don’t think that way — they aren’t yet motivated by the same things adults are. As James Lehman said in his article on Motivating the Unmotivated Child, your teen is motivated — he’s just motivated to do what he wants, not what you want. If you think about it, why should your older child follow through with work or school? If he can live at home, be warm and fed, and have no adult responsibilities, why would he want to change that? With that ideal situation at home, there is no reason to face the challenges and anxieties of becoming an adult.

Instead of trying to get your child to care about work or school, you may have more success if you focus on the rules and expectations for him continuing to live in your home. Spend some time thinking about your expectations, and what the consequences will be for not following those expectations. Choose consequences you will adhere to — it will not be effective if you tell your child he can’t live in your home without a job and he is still there, jobless, 3 months later. Sit down with your teen and let him know what you expect; be clear and direct with your expectations, such as: “You have two weeks to find work; if you do not find work within those two weeks, I will find you a volunteer job. Either way, you need to be working — either volunteer or get for pay — 15 hours a week in order to continue to live here.” Remember, if there is no consequence for not following your expectations, your teen is unlikely to change his behaviors — it’s too easy and too comfortable where he is. Your consequences should make him uncomfortable enough to change his actions. Holding him accountable lets him learn the skills he needs to become an independent adult.

As James mentions in his 3 part series Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children, many teens lack the practical skills to assume adult responsibilities. Their anxieties about becoming independent may keep them from making an effort to find, or keep, a job. For many teens, putting up with mom or dad’s constant pressure is easier to handle than actually putting themselves out into the world. Rather than lecture your child about the benefits of working, focus on the skills your child will need to become a successful, independent adult. Use daily consequences and privileges to help your teen practice those skills.

Don’t assume your child knows what steps need to be taken — break it down with him: “Given that you have two weeks to find work, we need to come up with a daily schedule — you will need to get up in the morning, get the paper (or look online), and put in three applications a day. When I see evidence of those three applications when I get home in the evening, you can have your computer. If you have no evidence, you don’t get the computer, and you can try again the next day.” Breaking the larger task of finding a job into manageable, daily steps increases his practical knowledge, and it can help to keep both you and your child from coming up on the deadline with no effort made. Combining daily requirements and longer term goals can help your child successfully follow the rules in your home — and be on their way to independence.

And, as James says — don’t hold your breath waiting for your teen to appreciate your efforts, or for him to suddenly want to work. These things come with age and with time. Keep your focus on tangible, practical skills and goals, use privileges your child values, and follow through with your consequences.

For more on helping your teen transition from child to independent adult,  be sure to check out the three part series Rules, Boundaries and Older Children.

Megan Devine is a Parental Support Line Advisor for The Total Transformation Program at Legacy Publishing Company.

My name is Melody, and I’m the mother of three children — two of which are diagnosed ADHD, as am I.  I’m excited to begin blogging here on Empowering Parents. Today’s disjointed society separates us from one another, yet through websites such as this we can be the village that it takes to raise our children.  The things I hope to blog about, muse on and mull over — regarding my parenting children with behavioral challenges — may bring about comments from others that I hope will make me think, learn, and grow as both a parent and as a person.  I hope to put out there the truth that I experience. Maybe it can help other parents to see that they are not alone either.  Thanks for joining me.

To Begin:

For years it has been a struggle to get through the day with my oldest two children, as the dynamics between them are at times intensely emotional and extremely unpredictable.  My eldest daughter is eight and a half years old and her brother is seven, and we are also blessed with a two-year-old little girl.  During their early childhood, I stayed at home and ran a family day care, so there was a great deal of interaction with others their age, but it was always a challenge — I worried about the behavior my own children would display and how that would impact the climate of my home at any given time.  Yes, as an educator I am fully aware of the “fact” that I am supposed to be the decisive element in the climate of my environment, hence tremendous guilt for in hindsight; I know that raising a child with behavior challenges inevitably alters the balance when you are talking about your home.

Since the very beginning, my daughter has been a high spirited, tenacious, determined child, which is a set of skills that are terrific as an adult, but certainly challenging for me as a parent.  The trick for me is to guide those fabulous traits (I prayed so hard for) in the right direction.  She can be a natural leader and is very expressive, but has frequently found it difficult to adjust to the different needs, ideas, and desires of others around her.  Unfortunately, in first grade we began to have problems in school due to her behaviors and inability to attend appropriately to either social situations or instructional time.  She is extremely intelligent as testing revealed her vocabulary, reading and comprehension, as well as mathematical conceptual skills to be several grades above.  She was given the diagnosis of ADHD and began Ritalin in first grade which seemed to be a miracle.

Truth be told, the challenges my children bring to the plate are so weighty that all my skill and knowledge sometimes feels as if it’s gone right out the window!  As the saying goes, “Physician heal thyself,” well, it’s the same type of thing for a teacher, but I can attest it is very difficult to do this as a parent!

Stay tuned for Part 2 of Melody’s blog.

Empowering Parents welcomes Melody to the EP Parent Blogger team. To read more about Melody and all our contributing bloggers, please click here.

Grandparents in Lagos, Florida are fighting to keep their 6 year-old grand daughter Kimberly from being evicted from their retirement community.

They have been caring for Kimberly for five years, since her drug-addicted mother was forced to give up custody. Her grandparents, Jimmie and Judy Stottler, have been trying to sell their home in the retirement community (reducing the price from $225,000 to $129,000) but there are still no takers. There is now a very real possibility that if a judge decides Kimberly can’t stay that she will be placed in a foster home and lose the only parents she’s ever really known.

Millions of grandparents are raising their grandkids across North America. It’s hard for me to understand the lack of compassion this retirement community is showing the Stottler’s. I’m sure they have their reasons, but…really? They’d rather force a child into foster care than give these people a break?

Where do you stand on this issue? Should Kimberly be evicted, or should the judge rule in favor of the Stottler’s?

A Nielsen Co. reports kids are watching more television than ever and television viewing for children ages 2-11 is the highest since 1995.  Kids ages 6-11 watch 28 hours a week with about 4.5 hours on DVD.  And worse, kids age 2-5 are watching 32 hours—yes, that’s even more than the 6-11 year-olds, presumably because they’re not in school.

I’m not surprised about the Nielsen numbers.

About a decade ago, there was a big push for educational television that could capture the infant and toddler population. Yes, really. Videos used the colors black, white and red since research showed those colors caught the attention of infant brains. Yes, TV for babies! I guess the thought was that if kids were watching more TV then they should be watching better quality TV.

I admit it is much more work to engage my kids in a board game or a walk to the park than it is to turn on the tube. I don’t initiate interactive time at home unless it involves helping me keep the house running.  This seems to be a “Momism”—we aren’t so hot at playing, but we are great at organizing and correcting! I cite lots of excuses for my kids TV viewing habits like:

• My kids time is already too structured and they need down time.

• My classic educational excuse of only watching public television or shows that are respectful of adults and language.

• I honestly would wrestle someone for the rights to alleviate my parental sleep deprivation with an hour of mindless television when the kids wake me at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning.

So where are the statistics on TV watching with a parent?  Dad loves racing our oldest daughter to the remote. The stress of his job and I guess the stress of her growing up job allows him to define TV watching as an activity affording the necessary together time for dad and daughter—who have so little time together—to explore interests and opinions of each other as they talk about the show.

Given the rise of childhood obesity, declining educational standards and the rates of health problems linked to an inactive lifestyle,  I can see why the media jumps on statistics like the 30 odd hours of couch potato madness. But, until TVs are powered by a family of viewers walking uphill on treadmills,  I think we are going to have some sedentary TV watching going on for a long time across America.

But there is hope, and I think we just have to be willing to listen. In fact, this “frontline report” from my three kids is a great example: We went out to dinner and then drove to the theatre (yes, sort of like inconvenient and expensive television) only find that the movie we wanted to see had started a half hour earlier than we thought.  As we drove away the kids spotted the local bowling alley and shouted out, “Lets go bowling!”

Dad and I looked at each other and made no argument. The kids chose something active and they were all in agreement.  No sibling rivalry! Everyone was happy! Non-violent, brain engaging, physical stress relief for parents and kids! And I got out of doing the laundry!

Annita Woz is a mom of three and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.

I got a call from my son’s teacher last week. Apparently, he used an inappropriate word and perhaps a hand gesture to accompany it to another child. That child’s parent had called the principal. The principal asked my son Builder’s teacher to handle it. She did. Builder denied it ever happened.

I know better.

I am sure it is true. The teacher asked my husband and me to speak to him about the incident and remind him of the appropriate ways to handle his anger. Oh, if it were only that simple. That might work for some children, but not this one. The eldest child of the family, he can tell you all the rules and expectations. He can police his little brother for the slightest of infractions. He is the first one to call us out for the rare verbal slip-up.

However, when it has to do with him and his world, Builder will simply make up stories or continue to deny the behavior. I can’t obtain the truth from him. I can’t even get his side of the story. He has Asperger’s and ADHD. It is not like dealing with the average nine-year-old bear. Nope, not so much, is there a sense of the right way to behave or speak in a group setting. Therefore, we get socially awkward plus impulsive from him. It is a lethal combination during unstructured school time.

After I hung up with the teacher, so many thoughts ran through my head. What did Builder do and say? To whom? When and where? Who is the parent that called? Do I know them? Is their child OK? As the parent of the offender, I would like the chance to have Builder offer an apology or to counsel him on how to handle the situation. I count on the school to help me help my child. It makes a difference as to what we say and do with Builder depending on the circumstances of the incident.

So, I called the school to get more details. None were available. Really? I realize it is a fourth through eighth grade building and there are quite a few “incidents” at this age. But too many to keep straight?

I think there should be a record kept of this type of behavior. Technically, it is bullying. I know other school districts have very detailed forms specifically to record discipline events. As an elementary and middle schoolteacher, I think those forms are a wonderful way to track children who need extra help navigating the social nuances and personalities found in all schools.

At my next meeting with the school, I am going to ask if there are any more incidents, I would like “the who, what, when, where, and how”. It determines the how, when, where, and who I talk to about my child.

Empowering Parents welcomes Kim Stricker to the EP Parent Blogger team. To read more about Kim and all our contributing bloggers, please click here.

I have often quipped that middle-aged women and their twenty-something year-old kids don’t belong under the same roof, but the reality of this statement hit home this summer when our son moved back home temporarily.

The key word here is “temporary” but frankly, anything longer than a long weekend starts to wear thin, and when days turned into weeks, and then morphed into months, the tension in our relationship was directly proportional to the number of days our home was his home.

It all started innocently enough, but often that is the case, and before you know it you may have a tenant the likes of whom you would never rent to because there would not be a security deposit reasonable enough to cover the wear and tear to your home.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son. I just didn’t love him living under my roof for a stretch that became longer than we both anticipated.  Two job orientations and a hunt for an affordable and dependable used car which could safely transport him to the West Coast (his desired location), delayed his departure three times.

So how do you handle this situation? The line between compassion and enabling sometimes is pretty thin.
He had a couple of odd jobs, but twice had airplane reservations to the West Coast for job training sessions which were postponed or canceled, delaying his departure from early August to early October, making it difficult to commit to long term steady employment in our home town. So we set a date by which he needed to leave. (A poor choice on his part, he ended up moving up the date by a few days, leaving the goodbyes a bit more bittersweet than I would have liked, but this was truly a launch for him to what will hopefully be independence.)

As our last financial hurrah and graduation kudos we bought him a reliable but not nicer than anything we were driving used car. In fact, we would have preferred a model with a few more miles at a bit lower cost than what we settled for, but cash for clunkers had eliminated any remaining vehicles that would have qualified. How long this car lasts will be up to him and how faithful he is in routine maintenance and care. We carefully calculated how much gas for a cross-country trip would cost, a reasonable amount for food (think ramen noodles and the 99 cent menu at Burger King) and the first month’s rent and security deposit.

Period. No more. End of story.

Now the rest is up to him.

We didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. He didn’t answer his phone when I called to wish him a happy birthday. Yet I still knew this was healthier than having him under our roof, hoagie wrappers strewn on the floor along with laundry and piles of objects, some identifiable — others not.

But then the phone did ring, and he called to announce he had landed a job and would start the following Monday.

He commented that he would only get paid once a month on this job. I told him what a great opportunity to budget that would be, praying silently that he had travel money left over, but assuming he did not.  We chatted some more and I was thankful about how calm I felt with him being three thousand miles away rather than downstairs. It isn’t easy, but it is best.

I could ask myself a thousand questions…what happens if his landlord won’t wait till he gets paid for the next month’s rent? What happens if he can’t buy food? What happens if he can’t produce the two required forms of ID within the first few days at his new job? What happens if he loses this job? But I don’t.

Instead, I choose to reflect on the fact that as a young adult he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and perhaps the only way to allow that to happen is to pull the rug of financial support out from underneath him.

I will always love him; I just won’t bail him out financially any more.

Is this a familiar story to you? Have you lived this journey? What did or didn’t work for you? What if anything would you do differently? I believe there are many parents eager to hear your thoughts.

Kathy Pride is a mom, author and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.