empty whole

No Pain

2012-01-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, it took me 11 cycles to go through a cycle without massive cramping. Oh yea, FYI, this may defiantly be a TMI post. Before the IVF, I never had cramps with my period, occasionally I would have cramps during ovulation, but they would only last about an hour or two then they would disappear - they weren't even consistent as to if they would even show up.

Then came the IVF and holy mother of God those cramps that came with my period were horrendous! The would start anywhere from a week to 4 days before my period and pretty much last through the first or second day of the cycle. They were so bad that nothing was helping, of course I think Tylenol is only slightly better than an M&M, and for the first few cycles I was avoiding the Midol since the bottle says "don't take if you may be pregnant" and well, I was always holding out hope that the never going to happen might be wrong. After some convincing from my OBGYN I did break down and start using Midol but all it did was take the edge off, the cramps were still there, but at least I wasn't doubled over crying in pain.

This past weekend, I was completely fine, in fact I even thought I was going to be late since I only had about 5 minutes of mild cramping on Saturday. At least something gets better.

Concrete Plans

2012-01-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

After being down and out about friends already on number two, a wonderful member of my support group gave an update on her adoption journey and it's nothing but good news - from starting the paperwork in October, homestudy in November, finalized last week, to matched yesterday - it really helped bring the hubs and I out of our funk. Their progress has helped to give us back hope that we will have a family.

We ended up with a very important conversation about what we're doing. We decided that we'll get through the hub's next surgery in the next two months, meet with the endocrinologist for him, give them three months. If there's no change then we'll be doing another egg preservation sometime during the summer! If at that point, there is still no change on his end then we're going to spend a year or two focusing on us, the house, and saving for the adoption fund. That's right I said it, adoption. If there's no biological baby in 2012 then we'll be taking a break, go on an awesome vacation or eight and look forward to adding to our family in 2014.

Plans give me hope.

laps

2012-01-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

When the hubs' and I first got engaged, with the exception of one college friend, no one else was at that stage of life/their relationships. By the time of our wedding, we were buying gifts and getting dressed up on a monthly basis. Shortly thereafter, the pregnancy announcements soon filled our in-boxes. It didn't phase me then, despite finding out about our infertility status at around the same time. But now, now it seems like a completely different world out there. The #2 announcements are bringing me to tears. I can't even count how many of our friends have already lapped us once on this race to have a child, and now the Facebook feed is quickly filling up about how so and so is going to be big brother in July and how many of my friends are now outnumbered children to adults in their homes.

still bad

2012-01-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, I guess I didn't hold up my end of the bargain, but there's been a lot going on in the last month (nothing IF related though).

In early December I had a mole removed (not my first by any means, I think this was #14), and it came back as abnormal (with as many removed, this too was not a first, this was #3). So after the pathology report, it need to be re-removed, that happened mid December. It all went wrong after that.

*[side-note: our Christmas present to the dog was him getting his "room" fixed. We had our sideyards paved (it was pea-rocks before), non-functional, because I'm too short storage removed from the garage, and a door with a doggie door installed]. To prepare for this the garage needed to be almost emptied - everything in the center and with the hub's upcoming surgery and trying to get caught up on his work, I took on this task.

Unfortunately, I decided to clean the garage two days after having my leg cut open. Not by any means, my best decision - the dust, the occasional varmint droppings, and the overall grossness. Then the next day, I uber-cleaned pre-holiday so I could come back to a spotless house. That night I was feeling run down in addition to needed Midol and a bath. All things separately were bad decisions, all combined was horrible. By the next day my leg was red and hurt. I iced, I took tylenol and another day later it was now hot so back to the doctor I went. I came home with a diagnosed Staph Infection. Great, now I'm 4 days away from Christmas and a week away from the hubs' surgery. My cousin freaked out about her kids getting sick from me and almost didn't come to Christmas, despite my doctor saying that if it was sealed with a bandage, I wore jeans, and the kids didn't lick my legs, we'd all be fine. She came, but I wasn't allowed to touch the kids or anything that they would touch.

So post Christmas, we came home and were able to relax for a day before the hubs' surgery. My sister came to be there for me, which is good, since the one aunt the hubs' talks too bailed on coming the night before. Per my other sister's insistence I did send my in-laws an e-mail letting them know about the surgery, they responded that they had a funeral to go to instead; they never even asked for a follow-up on his surgery. Whatever, I'm not sure I'll even let them know what's next.

So next, in about 6 more weeks, the doctor's want to go in again and do a repeat, but they're hopeful it may just be imaging as they said this surgery was the "best margin" so far! Time will tell.

The hubs and I have also had some serious talks about adoption and another egg preservation.

Bad to the Bone

2011-12-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

OK, I admit it, I have been a *horrible* blogger as of late. I have no excuse, I can only offer my apologies to my readers and friends. I was such a bad blogger, I even missed that Krissi gave me a shout out over a week ago. I'm starting a new years resolution early. I promise to post a blog at least weekly, even it all is says is "still here".

Since I left you last in regard to the hubs, we know have a referral to see an Endocrinologist who specializes in Male Hormones, although this doctor is not a urologist, and I think the "guy"-guys we've seen have both told us hormone therapy isn't an option. Eh, it's worth a try getting a different type of opinion. I haven't made the appointment yet since the hubs want to get through his brain surgery (scheduled for a few days after Christmas) first. It it doesn't make sperm happen, then I think we'll be making to move to adoption. If we make that move, the next step might be a ways off as we want to make some changes to the house first.

The update on me, is quite frankly, the last few weeks have been really difficult in accepting our infertility. You see, for the last 9 months I've been living vicariously through those who's cycle's were successful. I should be in the home stretch right there with them, I should be planning on a December 15th due date. Maybe the baby or babies would already be home by now, or maybe I'm going to go past my due date and have my own little Christmas present. Except today has been a good day, it's the first day I haven't wallowed in my own self-pity.

The holidays are here, Thanksgiving was fine, we took the dog with us and my cousin was there with her 3 munchkins (which are all adorable and I love them to pieces!) and all 4 of them were great with each other, the dog was perfect with the 18-month old and the version of toddler petting he was getting. The hubs and I even let my cousin and her husband eat while we watched the kids in the other room for about half an hour. It was all fine until g-ma made a comment to me about "good practice", but I only internally lost it.

We've already had a Christmas party with a few more coming up. One party this weekend is a kids' cookie decorating party with a group of my friends and their kids. The woman hosting doesn't have kids *yet* and in the invite she suggested that those without kids, just "kidnap" one for the day. My response was "I am kid-less and I don't think I can steal any children between now and then." I was also asked at work the other day by some co-workers when I was going to have kids. Ironically, we had our bi-annual harassment prevention training (yea, state employees have odd training - it used to be called "sexual harassment training") and a very similar scenario was one of our "test" questions. I was one of the few people who said it was could be considered inappropriate and possibly reportable to HR - but then again, after the crap we've dealt with don't we all despise that line of questioning and want to have anyone who asks that questions removed from all future contact?

In between this all, there's also been a bit of family DRA-MA. BIL got married, we didn't go**, a cousin passed (way to early) and the ILs turned there backs on us when I said hello. We don't know what they did for Thanksgiving and won't care what they do for Christmas. We're not expecting them for the hubs' surgery either. **we couldn't commit b/c of the surgery and what dates we had available to schedule - either around the wedding or Christmas.

*side-note: I do have an excuse: I finally joined the wonderful world of the iPhone. Apparently there are only two things I still need my laptop at home for now: my fantasy football picks and my blog. The first only takes a minute or two, the other, takes thought, effort, and time which all feels foreign if I can't do in the palm of my hand.

Tricks and Treats

2011-11-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

excuse the fact that this is a few days late.

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays, despite not be able to eat any of the candy that we passed out (thank you bizarre food allergy), but this year was different. I was annoyed with the parents who were trick-or-treating for their infants and the 7 year olds who think "take one" means "grab as many as you can".

The day started with the long-awaited test results from the hubs. These are his results from April '10, and his results this time around are:
Testosterone - 2 (normal 2.8-8)
FSH - 58.6 (normal for males not listed, last time 1.4-12.4)
LH - 21.1 (normal <8.6)
Prolactin - 8.5 (normal for males not listed, last time 4.0-15.2)
Mel(I forgot the rest) - [not taken]
Estradiol - 16 (normal <43)

So, not much has changed except the Testosterone is now clinically "low".

Now, we have to decide which path to follow for next step. We can skip all this testing for him and move on to donor or adoption, or we can move forward with 3rd and 4th opinions.

My thoughts on Donor sperm are that I don't feel that is should be a secret, the hubs does. So since we don't agree I've taken this off the table.

Adoption is an option in my mind, I have adopted cousins on both sides of my family and it's obvious they're adopted. The hubs isn't keen on this - when he was a kid his family used to go on vacation with a family with adopted kids and I guess they were hellions. We talked about how there could a reason for that and I think he kinda was OK with that. If this becomes our next step, we'll have to wait a bit, I'm afraid that our backyard won't pass a home study since we have a slope without any guardrail or any other such protection from falling down 60 feet.

If we get more opinions, which is what we thought we'd do, we think we may be wasting our time and be told "you've done everything, move one". But now that the testosterone is clinically low, maybe not, maybe fixing that might help.

And also, do I go ahead and do another egg preservation just for the hell of it, hoping that science can catch up?

Oh decisions, decisions.

he went

2011-10-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, just as I was annoyed that the hubs was delaying his hormone panel, he went and surprised me by actually getting it done! Now we just have to wait 4 days after the results have been received by the lab to see what's going on. I'm beyond excited to know what the results are, I feel like living in the purgatory of the unknown has been so difficult. Even though we're not exactly on the same page for what our next steps could be, I'm just excited that our "people-mover" has started up again. Right now, I'm just so much more back in the game and looking forward to seeing the results next week.

The life I was given is not who I was ment to be

2011-10-24T11:38:00.001-07:00

First of all, I'd like to appologize for being MIA - it's been a hellish few weeks. Without going into to much detail, I am really not a fan of having a doctor call me directly, it only means there's something wrong and I had quite a few conversations with one of my doctors in the last few weeks. The issue isn't resolved, but I'm managing it.

Some updates on things I feel like I've left hanging:

*The hubs still! has not gotten his hormone panel re-tested. He is going to the hospital for a brain test in mid-November so I'll have to walk him over to the lab at that point, which is good timing since it's the week before his next Neurologist apt.

*Those interviews that I went on back in July/August never panned out. It's no loss especially because of how they've handled it. I never heard back after the second round, but a few weeks later I saw that they re-posted the job and have since even extended the job posting. I'm considering it a win in my book since I wouldn't want to work with people who think that's ok.

So what brings me back to blogging when there's no infertility updates? There's a pretty major change in my extended family. I'm loosing/gaining a cousin. That's a weird statement I know, but it's so very true. I have a cousin who is a member of the LGTB community and openly so for last 20+ years; last week she announced that she is now he. Now I completely understand why the immediate family members are upset, they need to mourn the loss of "her" and learn to accept "him". When I was called by another family member with the news, I felt nothing but complete understanding. Now, I am very accepting of LGTB anyways, but I feel as an infertile I get it, especially where he is concerned.

I'm a girl, I'm married, I was raised to believe when I got married I would have kids and become a mom.
She's a girl, she's uncomfortable with who she is, yet raised to believe she should be a lady.
Neither one of us is living up to our expectations (whether is societies expectations or our own). I didn't ask to be this way and neither did she, but it's the life we were given and we are both pursuing every opportunity we can to correct our paths to what they should be: me to motherhood, her to his true self.

I feel that there is the completely un-common common bond between the two communities: ALI and LGTB. How we pursue our treatment against society and religious acceptance and how so many of us live our lives without sharing our pain.

When I was at college there was one course, "Voices of a Stranger", that I think everyone took this class their senior year. Each class had a different guest speaker - a person who had a "secret" life or was able to overcome a huge life obstacles. There was a bulimic gymnast, we read the History of Malcolm X and Seven Story Mountain. Once of the speakers does stand out in my memory. Her name was "Pam". Pam was Transgendered MTF. It was a very interested lecture as she talked about her life as a man, her marriage, her children, and what it took to go through the change, and how her life was now different. It was a very powerfully emotional session as I remember some of the students showing such hatred towards her. I remember being upset when she said she never told her boyfriends post change that there was a pre-change, but other than that I don't think having her speak her story bothered me.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing him at the next family gathering to say "Congratulations on making yourself happy; I'm proud of you".

lab attack

2011-10-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well, as I suspected, the lab never ran the hub's hormone pannel. UGH!!!!!, double UGH!!!!!. And on top of that, the head doctor hasn't given us an awnser as it if surgery is in two weeks, two months, or two years. I think his assistant is starting to avoid my calls since I call every three days asking for an update.

Power Restored

2011-09-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

No one else seemed to remember the 1996 blackout. But this is one that I think we'll remember. After all it's a post 9-11 world. When things go wrong, they seem to be more memorable just like when NYC has the power outrage in 2003.

I was at work when all of a sudden the hum of all things electrical slowly died, I think I was in the middle of writing an e-mail. My work is along the central SD-city coastline. My co-workers and I made a few calls/texts once we realized it wasn't just our building - and quickly realized it was more than just the city of San Diego. We knew it went to the city just east and just to the north. After talking for about 20 minutes and asking when can we leave, I realized all the street lights would be out and traffic would be horrible if we didn't all leave right now. And that did the trick, we were released to go home. My normally 40 minute commute did take about an extra 15-20 minutes and that was for the most part getting through the traffic light intersections on my way to the freeway. I thought about waiting it out at the mall, but then remembered that they wouldn't have power either, I thought about going for a run with the dog, but didn't want to come back to shower in the dark, so I took the dog to the park.

I'm not sure what the hubs was doing, but he stayed at work for 3 hours after the outage. Once he got home it started getting dark so I lit quite a few candles and then realized, hey, we camp, I have real lights. So I got those out two and listed to my radio, yep, I have a radio that runs on batteries - well, it's actually portable iPod dock with a radio. I stayed up till about 10:30, waiting to see if I would have to go to work or not. During the San Diego wildfires in '03 and '07 we were always the last to know. I wasn't able to call out of my cell, but I could text, I could receive calls through our land line, but couldn't call out. When we needed to know something, we'd text a sister or a parent to call and then give them instructions on what we needed them to look up. It worked pretty well. The hubs still had to go to work today since he needed to be in O.C. and they didn't loose power where he was heading, but I'm home now.

All in all, it's not that big of a deal, except I need to make sure my frozen eggs didn't defrost and my meds that were in my fridge are still good. My meds are always in a soft-sided cooler in the fridge and as soon as I got home I pulled a pretty sturdy ice pack out of the fridge and stuck it in with my meds. I think I'll wait until next week to call the clinic so I'm not tying up their phone lines.

Until then, I should figure out what has spoiled in my fridge.

Stupid Fake FB Games

2011-09-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, I like FB, I'm not one to hide the pregnant ladies (as annoying as it may be), but I despise games/apps/stupid "chain" posts. I hide people who insist on sending stupid requests - no I will not mow your farm or feed your cows or whatever other dumb things you think I need to do to waste my time. I usually ignore the "bra color" posts, but this time I gave a response to the fake pregnancy posts:

Do you think Ocotmom is play the "fake a facebook pregnancy" game too?

If you really want to help raise awareness for cancer, do something that actually helps someone who has cancer. We can't all discover the cure, or finance the cure, but you can at least make a difference in a person's life but just being there for them. Take them dinner, or sit with them, just do something meaningful for them. That's what helps.
about an hour ago · · 3 people

There take that FB!

2 steps forward, 1 step back

2011-08-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

he had a f*ing seizure yesterday. OK, I need to back up a bit. The hubs has been weeing off the one medicine slowly for three months, and then the last month a little bit more quickly (per his doctor's directions). Saturday morning was his last dose. 56 hours later, he had a seizure.

Last night as I was driving home (we can see our back yard about a mile before we get to the house), I saw the back door open but all the lights in the house off so I thought that maybe he was taking a nap or working in his office. Once I pulled up to the house, I noticed he car wasn't there so scratch my first thoughts, OK, maybe he went to get dinner even though I told him I was going to make something tonight. I walked in the door, and the dog wasn't there to great me. OK, scratch thought #2, and it's time for a phone call.
Me: Where are you?
Hubs: Walking home with the dog.
Me: Walking? Where's your car?
Hubs: Oh, I had a seizure, it's not a big deal.
Me: Not a big deal? Yes it is. we'll discuss this when you get here.

The seizure happened around 2:00 pm, he had enough warning to walk into someone else's office, and then he had them drive him home. BTW, I'm find this out around 7:30 pm! He did say this was not as severe as his others, and he had a very minimal side effect of Todd's syndrome. I still stressed that I still need to be aware of these things. He on his own, though did go back on a lower dose of the medicine he just finished - about 1/5th of the strongest dose he'd been on.

Life as we know it (today at least...)

2011-08-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

Trying to give a short but throughout description of "life" as we know it is a bit of a difficult task, but here it goes.

We're battling two medical beasts simultaneous. It's exhausting.

The first "beast" is the hubs' brain injury. It started in June 2008 and the following 5 months were spent in and out of hospitals. We thought we were good for a full year and then the injury re-appeared. 6 months after treatment (February 09), we thought we were golden again, so we extended the required check by an additional 6 months beyond what the doctor's wanted, but we needed it (to deal with beast #2). Last week, we found out the hubs' needs a 3rd round of treatment.

The other beast is infertility. Just one month after the second round of treatment on the brain injury, we found out conception the natural way would never happen and that biological children may never happen. It took a full year of testings and for me to accept our fate and what we had to do. After a cancelled IVF due to a negative microTESE we were medically forced (6 months of healing for the hubs) into a waiting period.

Right now we truly have 2 distinct paths ahead of us, decisions will be made almost simultaneously as to what do for each issue. When the hubs goes in to meet with his doctors about what to with this brain injury, he'll also be making a stop by the lab for a hormone panel check post a medicine change. Depending on the hormone outcome we may do a complete stop to all things fertility for a minimum of 2 years while we focus on the brain thing. And for the brain thing, we're expecting the doctors to give a 18-month "game plan" of what surgeries the hubs' will need.

September 14th will be here soon - a day that I can't wait to get here and one that I am both dreading.

It's Back

2011-08-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write this post for a few days and in my head it just doesn't want to come out so excuse me if this post keeps going off on a tangent.

The hubs had a check on his brain injury on Monday morning (tangent: it's not really an "injury" since it wasn't anything that could be avoided and we don't like calling it a "sickness" or a "disease" since he is fully functioning). This is a check that he was supposed to do last February but we wanted to focus on the IVF (and were then emotionally drained from the IVF) so we kept avoiding this. Finally we decided it was time. Now the hubs is no stranger to hospitals. The initial 5 months of this injury in 2008, the hubs had 7 hospital stays from 1-30 days each time. He had 3 crainiotomies, 2 embolizations, and 2 angiograms. In 2009 he had two additional embolizations and 3 seizures. In 2010 he had radiation treatment, and then 6 months after that a CT scan showed his head was clear. Monday was an angiogram and the f*cker is back. These are not suppose to grow back and his has, twice!

My family is there for me (and sometimes and little too much), on the other hand, his family might as well not exist since they can't seem to be there for the hubs. Seriously people, you all work in hospitals (none of them are doctors though) and you can't sit with him for more than 30 minutes at a time.

The hubs is resistant to anymore treatment, I can understand this, he's had over 100 doctor's appointment for this. But each year he does nothing there is 3-5% chance of him having a bleed in his brain - in 10 years it will be a 30-50% chance of bleeding out. We'll know more next week, but the doctor on Monday indicated he would need an embolization (4-day hospital stay) and radiation (1-day hospital stay) and then the follow every 6-12 months of repeat angiograms.

Ugh, I don't want to think about this, not doing anything will be torture for me, but the hubs doesn't want to go through more surgeries since in his mind they don't work. I'm also struggling with if we should call it and put an end to pursuing fertility treatment.

***I still don't know about the job I interviewed for last week. They don't seem like the most "polished" department so I'm not heartbroken if I don't get the job.

Black Market Babies?

2011-08-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

So this is one of the headlines in today's local news: Lawyer Busted in Black-Market Baby Ring. Um, seriously???? Yea and the clincher is she's a f'ng reproductive lawyer who was even an egg donor to help her finance law school. I'm so ashamed to even admit that I own her book.

What is wrong with some people???

How do you balance work and family?

2011-08-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that's not an interview appropriate question, nevertheless, I was asked this question, so I gave the best "pc" response I could: Work is from 8-4:30, I understand that I have my lunch hour to take care of personal issue, or I need to take care of what I can before or after work. Since I have no children, it's just me, my husband, and our dog.

Of course I did neglect to tell them that I go to all the hubs' doctors appointments so I'm out of the office at least once a month between our doctors appointments and that I might be taking a week or so off for a potential IVF in the future if it's medically possible.

Besides that question, I did pretty well in the interview today, I did flub a few questions, but they asked some other weird questions. The interview committee was also an odd make-up - despite how much interaction this position has with faculty, there were no faculty members present at all - so odd.

***Update on Thursday - I made it through to the second round, I'll meet the potential reporting staff on Wednesday. I wonder if there will also be a faculty member around too.

Head Doctor

2011-07-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

We finally had the long awaited appointment with the Hubs' head doctor to discuss getting off the one medication that *may'* be causing his hormone imbalance. We talked about the articles that I did fine, the head doctor knows the other doctor and his research, but the studies have only been done once and until it's duplicated multiple times, the findings cannot be thought to be accurate. Nevertheless, head doctor did agree to continue to ween hubs of this particular medicine and increase the other medicine that is safe for the time being. So, within the next 6 weeks, hubs will be completely off this medicine (and since the most common side effect is irritability, I'm really excited to have my husband back) and then two weeks later do a repeat hormone panel. Once we know those results, it will determine which path we take: A- no change in hormone = time to consult with Turek and Schlaegel. B - change in hormone panel = repeat SA and then hope for the best, with probable repeat hormone panel and SA in 3 more months.

As for me, I have an interview for Tuesday. Eeek! I'm so nervous about this possible change it's literally making my stomach do somersaults.

Maybe a Change?

2011-07-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

First of all, the vacation was wonderful. It was the right amount of adventure and relaxation.

But then I had to get back to my regularly scheduled life. And in doing so I did something a little unexpected - I applied for a new job. I love my job, my boss it great, my co-workers are mostly awesome (or awesome when they're there), but this opening is my (right now) ultimate career goal with a bump in pay. I've been in my current position for 6 years, it's defiantly evolved from when I first started the job and it will be really difficult for my current department if I did leave, but I'm ready for a change of pace. I sent in my resume, which needed some major updated (hello, I still had my maiden name on it) the day before the job closed and then the next day I can already see that it has been forwarded to the higher manager. This job has been vacant for a year, it was vacated and then left unfilled due to budget issues. Budget issue at work is mainly the reason I've passed over a few positions the last few years but I can tell that I have seniority within the department should layoff occur (senior is based by total time, not just time within the department) so I feel confident that I would be secure. I don't even know if I'll get an interview and have no plans on discussing this with my current supervisor until I know if that day will even come (and then I may even wait depending on circumstances). Well, I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

If anything, this vacation has really made me see that I can't keep putting my life on a 9-month hold just in case.

Vail Vacay Get Away

2011-07-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

Yay for Vacations! On Saturday morning we're getting up bright an early to catch a flight to Vail! Technically Denver and then making the 2 hour drive to Vail. We'll be there for a whole week and then spend one night in Denver and hopefully catch a Rockies game. At first I was very hesitant to go on vacation, you know, that whole putting your life on hold for all the "what ifs" of the world. This is actually a vacation that had to cancel a few years ago when the hubs' brain blew-up so when the opportunity came to re-book the vacation the hubs went forward. Just the two of us and my lil' sister.

Why is she tagging along? It's a funny story. I called her and asked if she would dog-sit for us and she asked where we were going and then decided she wanted to come too. She had just (as in two days before) broken up with her bf of 2 years so I said, you have to ask the hubs. So she called him and 10 minutes later called me to said he said yes and she was buying her ticket. So she's coming with us and my dad will be watching my dog and her dog now. One of my other sisters accused us of giving her the "pity OK", but since the hubs didn't know that they had broken up, I dispelled that notion. She likes to hang out with us and she's easy to get along with so why not.

We're going without a plan at all. I have no excursions planned or booked with the exception of the Farmers Market on Sunday. We're arriving Saturday afternoon and we'll be relaxing all week. Maybe we'll take a few hikes or go to the free concerts, but we'll decide once we get there.

Grand Central Station

2011-06-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

As the dog and I were returning to the house from our evening run, the neighborhood kids (who are all now out of school) swarmed us wanting to play with the dog. All the kids except for one, who wanted to play with the puppy but only if I kept him on the leash. I was trying to be nice and all neighborly and obliged for about 20 minutes. Then one of the kids kept trying to get the dog to jump. Now, my dog is cool, he can sit, down, shake, and show me his belly, but that's about it with tricks. I don't teach him to jump, because frankly, I don't want 100+lbs of dog crashing down on my head. Then I realized one of the kids went missing - she knows where I keep the dog treats and soon enough the swarm of kids ended up in my garage.

After about another 15 minutes of one of the kids trying to make the dog play fetch (this is the kids that's making me keep the dog on a leash) with a golf ball I told them it was time for the dog to get his dinner and I needed to go the backyard - and they all followed me! OK, seriously, I don't know who these kids are, yes the live on my street, but I don't know their names, they don't know mine, and I certainly don't know their parents (except for the girl who knows where my dog treats are). I've finally got the dog outside and off his leash when the kids discover our PlayStation. Damn, now they're really going to stay. As one is trying to get me to let him play a game (of which we have UFC and Madden - I'm not sure 6 years should be playing either game) another munchkin is finding the hubs' snacks and chowing down and sharing with the rest of the kids.

Finally one of the mom's stops by just as her kid is asking me for another cookie so I said "well, I'm sure you mom wants you to eat real food for dinner and not fill up on cookies" and her response was "it's OK, you can have a cookie" - there goes the the pepridge farm chocolate chip cookies. And then she thanks me for watching her kids and walks away!

In all, it took me about an hour and half to get all the kids to go home and I still haven't showered since my run. It's nice to know what my life could be like in the future, and I don't want to be the cranky lady on the street with the scary dog because I may need a babysitter in my future but when did my house become grand central station for the kids on the block?

associations

2011-06-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

Every time I see this commercial I wonder, why are they showing a condom commercial in the middle of the day? It's a weird (and albeit dirty) word association, but I cannot get past it. And then it makes me mad that I think I'm seeing a commercial to prevent fertility when it's really about ice cream and when I don't want to think about the infertility I want ice cream and then this commercial makes me not want ice cream. It's a vicious cycle all in my head.

weight gain

2011-06-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

I had heard about the weight gain associated with IVF meds, I was very happy with myself that I did not gain any weight during my cycle. Then I worried about weight gain during my emotional breakdown post-IVF, I may have gained a pound or two, but they didn't stick around. Then about a month ago I switched my allergy medicine and since then I've gained quite a bit of weight - all in my belly (ok, some in my ass too, but I notice the belly more). It's enough for me to need to go up a size in pants (which I always hate doing and refuse to buy the next size up) and it makes me look ugh *pregnant* double ugh. I am so much more round in the belly that I actually contemplated taking a test - hey, if they had a whole show based on "I didn't know I was pregnant" then it could happen to me too, right? I didn't (or least haven't yet) and instead have adjusted the medication yet again (I've already tried 9, so what's wrong with trying a different comination). I hope this weight come off soon since it's so uncomfertable.

"I need to have kids"

2011-06-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

Yep, someone told me I needed to have kids yesterday.

The context/back-story is I was at a weekly community service meeting/breakfast and I was sitting next to another woman who's husband and kids were with her this particular day. (She's in her early/mid 40's the kids are b/g 3 1/2 year old twins - yeah, we all can guess how they happened to have twins even though she's never said it.) I've met these kids before so I'm not a stranger and they're very cute and friendly. As kids do, they get a little restless so I was keeping the kids entertained by making funny faces at them and since I always have a few pens and a some paper in my bag so I started to color with the girl. Also at one point I had a package to open and of course when kids see tissue paper they have to help so they did.

After the breakfast/meeting was over the woman turns to me and says "you need to have kids", eh, so I asked if I could take her spare.

holding steady

2011-06-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing has changed, nor do we expect any progress on the IF front for a few more months. In the meantime, we're keeping busy and plaining a vaction to Vail, CO in a few weeks. It should be a nice and relaxing vaction - we're not really going with anything planned.

I think I owe an update

2011-06-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

Since my last post oh, about 3 weeks ago, not much has changed.

We're still in a holding pattern on what to do next - just waiting for the head doctor appointment to discuss the meds and how they affect the hubs' fertility.

As far the accident, he's fine. I made him schedule an appointment with his GP the day after, but his solution was "take some Tylenol and if you start having more pain in a few days, call me". He has a replacement car, same car just a newer model.

I had my "final" therapy appointment, she wants me to check in after we meet with the neurologist and have a better idea of what the next step is.

Part of me really feels that this holding pattern has stopped time. It's kinda weird to know that I can do what I want and not think about IVF for a few months - there's no "can I schedule a vacation", "I shouldn't go shopping because of what if". I'm kinda liking it though. I might even purchase a Groupon for a month of unlimited hot yoga.