Encyclopaedia Erratica

LXX - LXXXI

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Tue, 18 Jan 2005 18:32:00 +0000

LXX. The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci is regularly taken down for cleaning and restoration and replaced by a large photograph of a cat chasing a peanut.

LXXI. Queen Victoria was buried in the ceiling of Winchester Cathedral.

LXXII. The last man to be hanged in England was Cecil Pegley, a jilted sexton, who was hanged for a grief-crazed horse-thievery spree in the village square in Sutton Coldfield in 1972. The rope snapped and he was pardoned, only to fall into a hole full of wasps and butter three years later.

LXXIII. Wind is only a low-lying atmospheric phenomenon, it reacheth not up to the clouds. The clouds have to rely on multitudinous flocks of tiny parakeets to tow them to and fro across the skyline.

LXXIV. In 1891, Alfred, Lord Tennyson (Poet Laureate to Queen Victoria) bought forty-six dogs of various breeds, locked them in a shed and set them to work laying eggs and making honey. Tennyson was found dead of severe food poisoning a year later.

LXXV. God did not create the world in seven days; work was held up due to industrial action; leaves on the line; funding problems; four thousand poorly-designed fourteen-ton giraffes, which lay waste to the firmament and had to recalled; an accident where the world stopped and everybody got off; and finally, an acute shortage of form and void, which was very hard to get your hands on in those days, what with the oil prices and that; in the event the whole project took eighteen months with a budget overspend of lots.

LXXVI. There is an obscure law, passed in 1890 and never repealed, which permits London cab drivers to shoot penguins with crossbows.

LXXVII. Jigsaws are illegal in Switzerland.

LXXVIII. Snow is the tears of phantoms.

LXXIX. George Bernard Shaw, after producing the play Man And Superman, followed it up with a sequel, Man And Spiderman, which was never published.

LXXX. Kylie Minogue's debut single, Immobile Through Grief, is a long-deleted and much sought-after rarity.

LXXXI. Vatican City houses the world's largest bouncy castle, upon which the cardinals frolic after a hard day's theology.

LXV - LXIX

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Fri, 07 Jan 2005 01:10:00 +0000

LXV. Before his celebrated Theory Of Relativity, Einstein worked extensively on his Blind Cobblers theory, in which he postulated the theory that blind cobblers tend to make really bad shoes. It was widely discredited by those eminent in science and footwear, and was later discarded.

LXVI. The Aztecs believed that the soul was located in the rectum, which goes a long way to explaining why they died out.

LXVII. Kangaroos can see into the future.

LXVIII. The legendary George Foreman/Muhammad Ali Rumble In The Jungle boxing match in Zaire was originally going to be called Come See Hot Crazy Punch And Judy But With Real Folks! Foreman and Ali's camps both objected strenuously to this title, and it was dropped.

LXIX. Before deciding on The Lizard King, Doors singer Jim Morrison considered The Naughty Night-Owl, The Hamster Of Destiny, Panicked Labrador, The Boiling Toad, The Grief-Stricken Gekko, The Hot Pumpernickel, Penile Ambassador, The Pimpled Lard-Basket, Brian The Brave and The Goose Of Plenty as a nickname.

LIX - LXIV

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Thu, 06 Jan 2005 01:59:00 +0000

LIX. In her spare time, Mariah Carey teaches ducks to sing.

LX. The sun is populated by a virile yet nebulous race of ragin' heat-creatures who by night gather around the refrigerator and tell horror stories of the icy-cool and pitchy dark Earth.

LXI. Before he found movie stardom, Sean Connery was the champion goat-wrestler of South-West Aberdeen for seven years in a row.

LXII. American defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld relaxes after an arduous day of senile truculence by playing upon a solid gold harpsichord before a captive audience of slumbering Labradors.

LXIII. Before inventing the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell developed a light source that was too bright to be seen, but cancelled the project upon encountering marketing problems.

LXIV. Virginia is the only state in the US to retain death by chocolate as a method of execution.

LIV - LVIII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 04 Oct 2004 21:40:00 +0000

LIV. Cliff Richard is actually nine identical Mexicans who take turns.

LV. Popular '80s singing duo Black Lace devastated Europe in 1347, killing one third of the Occidental population.

LVI. The town of Rhyl in North Wales was stolen in 1967 by a gang of ruthless ogres. It was returned relatively undamaged a year later, and screwed back in before anybody noticed.

LVII. Dido's debut album, entitled Music For Wankers, was cancelled a week before its release and has never since resurfaced.

LVIII. Bono's attic is full of pubic hair, in which he frolics on public holidays.

LIII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 27 Sep 2004 21:48:00 +0000

LIII. Prince William relaxes by throwing hand grenades into badger sets and then photographing the colourful results, laughing gaily and playing The Only Way Is Up upon his ghetto blaster as the bloody explosions rage around him.

LII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Sun, 26 Sep 2004 22:05:00 +0000

LII. Whilst holidaying in Peru in 2001, singer/songwriter Nick Cave inadvertantly dropped his comb down a ravine. This incident was to be the driving inspiration behind the album he released later in the year entitled No More Shall We Part.

LI

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Thu, 23 Sep 2004 22:21:00 +0000

LI. The Sound Of Music was adapted from an unpublished poem by August Strindberg entitled I Pray For Death. Some liberties were taken with the original text.

XLVIII - L

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Thu, 23 Sep 2004 10:31:00 +0000

XLVIII. Bean Factory, Oceans Of Lard, Pulmonary Fantastico, Towel Famine, and Twelve Bells For Helen were all names of horses running in the 1976 Grand National.

XLIX. Students undertaking Media Studies Degrees in UK Universities must first take a preliminary course in Barse/Banjo & Arse/Elbow Differentiation.

L. Bodie and Doyle, the crime-fighting duo of 1980s British television series The Professionals, were originally to be played by two large labradors until scriptwriters encountered dialogue problems.

XLVII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Tue, 21 Sep 2004 21:39:00 +0000

XLVII. The first President of the United States was a mentally disturbed kangaroo in boxing gloves called Charly, who held office for six months before somebody noticed.

XXXI - XLVI

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 20 Sep 2004 21:35:00 +0000

XXXI. Foxes have X-Ray vision.

XXXII. The biggest selling products in the US state of South Dakota last year were clockwork Highway Patrolmen and signed photographs of Bill Clinton dissecting a horse.

XXXIII. Larry Grayson was the first man on the moon.

XXXIV. The entire Microsoft corporation is secretly controlled by a 97-year old woman on a giant hamster wheel who receives messages from God.

XXXV. Bob Dylan rides a unicycle into work.

XXXVI. The production of one single compact disc requires more potatoes than is needed to feed the entire population of South Korea for one year.

XXXVII. Shortly before he died, Russian dictator Josef Stalin planned to turn the Caspian Sea to gravy.

XXXVIII. The Velvet Underground released an album entitled Songs For Swingin' Convicts under the pseudonym The Electric Twats.

XXXIX. Christopher Columbus' first act upon reaching the shores of the New World was to open a racially segregated Crazy Golf course.

XL. A mooted sequel to the film Honey, I Shrunk The Kids entitled Honey, I Boiled The Dog was vetoed by studio executives.

XLI. For the last ten years, the result of the Eurovision Song Contest has been decided by a frantic and tearful game of Russian Roulette.

XLII. Author H.G. Wells had a morbid fear of basketballs.

XLIII. Squirrels can speak Japanese.

XLIV. A manuscript by founding father of psychiatry Sigmund Freud, discoursing upon the sexual politics of interpersonal behaviour and entitled Hey, Nice Hooters! languishes unreleased in a Viennese vault.

XLV. Author Ernest Hemingway used to relax by engaging in bouts of shadow-boxing, which he seldom lost.

XLVI. William Shatner can walk unaided upon the ceiling.

XXVIII - XXX

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Thu, 16 Sep 2004 16:28:00 +0000

XXVIII. The UK No. 1 selling single over Christmas 1973 was Hot Carls All Round!! by Rattlin' Paddy Greed & The Metronomic Mesturbators.

XXIX. Pandas like abseiling.

XXX. When you are undergoing an operation, as soon as the anaesthetic takes effect the doctors remove your brain and kick it around the operating theatre whilst cackling insanely. They usually sew it in and glue your head back on before you come to.

XXVI - XXVII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Tue, 14 Sep 2004 22:35:00 +0000

XXVI. Popular film musical Paint Your Wagon was originally entitled Horse-Drawn Scum.

XXVII. The Ninth Wonder Of The World is the Amazing Glass Bastable, a giant glinting structure in central Lincolnshire which, in it's gleaming magnificence, has been known to send sheep mad, and strong men screaming to the lavatory.

XXIII - XXV

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 13 Sep 2004 00:12:00 +0000

XXIII. The solar system is only eight centimetres across. We are smaller than we think.

XXIV. You'll get over it.

XXV. Fruit Corners cause panic attacks.

IXX - XXII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 06 Sep 2004 16:40:00 +0000

IXX. The Pope's favourite song is Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music.

XX. The Ovalteenies, on reaching adolescence, became a vicious street gang who terrorized hot chocolate drinkers nationwide.

XXI. The Nolan Sisters' debut album was originally entitled Songs To Freeze The Blood, but this was changed after record company pressure.

XXII. The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round was written by Lou Reed.

XVIII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Sun, 05 Sep 2004 10:26:00 +0000

XVIII. The most popular TV programme in Peking is a 24-hour continuous loop of a porcupine dancing on a breadbin.

XVI - XVII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Tue, 31 Aug 2004 16:05:00 +0000

XVI. Titan of Raunch George Michael has a pet elk called Davy whom he feeds sardines.

XVII. The British Museum, amongst its extensive collection, has a set of perfectly preserved Bronze-Age testicles which have never been put on public display.

XV

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Tue, 31 Aug 2004 00:27:00 +0000

XV. The character of Ripley in the Alien series of films was originally to have been played by June Whitfield.

XIV

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 30 Aug 2004 18:18:00 +0000

XIV: Rapper Ice-T is collaborating with Merchant Ivory in the production of a new English Costume Drama entitled More Tea, Motherfucker?

XII - XIII

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Mon, 30 Aug 2004 16:47:00 +0000

XII. Agatha Christie invented the skateboard.

XIII. The Second World War actually started as a result of a dispute over a dominoes tournament in a pub in Swansea.

X - XI

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Fri, 27 Aug 2004 16:10:00 +0000

X. Tarmac is made out of bananas.

XI. Once a year, Harrison Ford loves to flood his house with treacle.

I - IX

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron) — Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:09:00 +0000

I. There are no wasps in Ireland.

II. The first telephone was invented by Cleopatra.

III. You are roughly 2.5 times more likely to be stuck by lightning than to find Rolf Harris in your greenhouse.

IV. During his early career, Roy Orbison was known by the stage name The Haunted Pelvis, but reverted to his real name after market research yielded poor responses.

V. British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli drowned in a vat of custard.

VI. Billberries are named after former REM drummer Bill Berry, who is twelve thousand years old.

VII. Our electricity and gas supplies worldwide are supplied by a gigantic friendly bear in the sky.

VIII. Before it was purchased by Elvis Presley, Graceland was known as Dog-Breath Mansions.

VIII. The Book of Revelations from the Bible was written by Shirley Bassey.

IX. Ostriches can fly, they just don't like us seeing them doing it.