enenmon's blog

I Think I've Got A Personality Disorder

2012-01-30T16:10:00.001+08:00

Was engaging on a topic with Adeline about her friend who is able to go on and on, yaking non-stop, one-sidely about her stories & experiences.

At the same time I was actually studying Korean words but got bored and read up on a current Korean Drama I was watching - Best/Greatest Love. Then reading about Cha Seung Won then it lead to reading about his other drama City Hall where Kim Sun Ah was the female lead then it lead to comparison to her role in Kim Sam Soon then it lead to Hyun Bin then to Secret Garden and I chanced by this page.

To those who watched, in Secret Garden, Hyun Bin plays a rather eccentric role where his behaviours aren't really 'normal human being'. So yes, when he discovered that he developed feelings for Ha Ji Won, he will chant a really long chant to stop himself to be so obsessed thinking about or being around her.

As that page suggested, it explained the meaning of the chant. But while strolling to the bottom, the author added a line about what she thought Joo Won (Hyun Bin's character in Secret Garden) is like. At the very same time, Adeline was also describing how her friend was....

You can call it a coincidence or something but all along I was also trying to find out my own problem as to why I'm such a jia lat case in terms of interacting with ppl. I was experiencing a mad rush of:
a. I think Adeline's friend sound like me
b. I think what the author wrote about Joo Won sounds like me
c. But when I watched Secret Garden, I don't think I'm like Joo Won leh!

Since the wikipedia link of it was provided I went to read about it and... as it turned out, a lot of the points mentioned seemed to be me, my condition/characteristics?

I'm picked out what seems like 'describing me' and compiled the information below. Dark Pink is what I think is my trait :( and italic light blue are my comments.

What is it Asperger Syndrome?
It is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.

The Characteristics
Asperger syndrome is distinguished by a pattern of symptoms rather than a single symptom. It is characterized by qualitative impairment in social interaction. The lack of empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome. (Ppl always look at my blank face and ask 你有没有在听? or 你明不明白? =\)

Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others. For example, showing others objects of interest, a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture. (I wonder how I used to hang out with my primary school friends such as Huishan, Qifen, Shuping etc but one thing's for sure, I REALLY like writing letters back then and having so many penpals was something that made me happy cos I expressed better in letters.)

Individuals with AS often have excellent auditory and visual perception. Children with ASD often demonstrate enhanced perception of small changes in patterns such as arrangements of objects or images; typically this is domain-specific and involves processing of fine-grained features. They may be unusually sensitive or insensitive to sound, light, and other stimuli. (I remember positions of every item in my room cos I was the one who put it and I will get extremely irritated when somebody re-arranged my toys/books in my room. I remember which photos is in which photo album on which page. Yes, I am ultrasensitive to sound, I cannot shut any sound/music/words/noise coming through my ear. As a light sleeper, it's possible I don't get any sleep cos of all the sound happening outside my window.)

ASD is thought of as a condition mostly affecting males, with males up to four times more likely than females to be diagnosed with autism or Asperger syndrome. Autism may express differently in the sexes. Females may be more concerned with how they are viewed by peers and the failure to connect with people outside of their immediate family could lead to severe anxiety or clinical depression. Females with autism who have normal intelligence may be more socially disadvantaged than males because of the "rising level of social interaction that comes with growing up" when females' "friendships often hinge on attention to feelings and lots of rapid and nuanced communication."

Social Impact
For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions, such as a need for privacy or haste to leave. This social awkwardness has been called "active but odd". (So, does this is considered low EQ or due to character deficiency?)

This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive. Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people. Some may choose to talk only to people they like. (I dunno if it's a general thing for ppl to not talk to ppl they dislike and only talk to those who deem approachable. But I'm definitely not the one who is able to talk to JUST anybody. I know I used to have a weird phobia to not able to order food. I find it extremely hard to do it - be it over the counter, in restaurants or at hawker centre. =\)

People with AS may analyze and distill their observations of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines, and apply these rules in awkward ways resulting in a demeanor that appears rigid or socially naive. Childhood desire for companionship can become numbed through a history of failed social encounters. (Yeah, rigid, stubborn, weird logic/thinking and whatever you call it... )

Children with AS may be overly literal, and may have difficulty interpreting and responding to humour, irony, teasing, sarcasm, banter, or metaphorical speech. Difficulties with social interaction may also be manifest in a lack of play with other children. Although individuals with AS usually understand the cognitive basis of humor, they seem to lack understanding of the intent of humor to share enjoyment with others. (Yup, I can't tell apart. I take everything at face value. Only when ppl add 'just kidding' then I will take it as kidding, that's why I will be offended when they make comment like "Why u look so lok kok today!" or "Your bag don't quite match your outfit leh." Of all kinda of comments, don't say shit about my appearance can? I'm not fashionable or rich, I happy with my old fashion clothes can?)

People with Asperger syndrome often display behavior, interests, and activities that are restricted and repetitive and are sometimes abnormally intense or focused. They may stick to inflexible routines, move in stereotyped and repetitive ways.

People with AS often have a limited range of intonation: speech may be unusually fast, jerky or loud. Speech may convey a sense of incoherence; the conversational style often includes monologues about topics that bore the listener, fails to provide context for comments, or fails to suppress internal thoughts. Individuals with AS may fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation. The speaker's conclusion or point may never be made, and attempts by the listener to elaborate on the speech's content or logic, or to shift to related topics, are often unsuccessful. (Ya, the 'why I need to tell the whole world abt everything' comes in here. Not proud of it but sometimes can't help it :( When I am ranting about something, there tend not to be any conclusion/solution, it's just the act of wanting to 'talk it out about it'. It doesn't matter whether I; 1 - I don't like doing something I have to do, 2 - I don't do it but feel guilty for not doing it. Cos ultimately I always still just do it, just matter of level of buay song-ness cos of "the consequences of saying no or rejecting" *rolls eyes* hence, it results in the unbalance/unfairness I am feeling cos nobody bother to explain WHY. But then again, even if they explained, I would probably still 'dun get it')

The above problems can even arise in the family; given an unfavorable family environment, the child may be subject to emotional abuse. A child or teen with AS is often puzzled by this mistreatment, unaware of what has been done incorrectly. Unlike other pervasive development disorders, most children with AS want to be social, but fail to socialize successfully, which can lead to later withdrawal and asocial behavior, especially in adolescence. (A bit what I have explained in the previous paragraph)

A child with AS might be regarded as a "problem child" or a "poor performer." The child’s extremely low tolerance for what they perceive to be ordinary and mundane tasks, such as typical homework assignments, can easily become frustrating; a teacher may well consider the child arrogant, spiteful, and insubordinate. Lack of support and understanding, in combination with the child's anxieties, can result in problematic behaviour such as severe tantrums, violent and angry outbursts, and withdrawal. (I still AM regarded as a problematic & under-performer/under-achiever NOW anyway.)

Relationships
Two traits sometimes found in AS individuals are mind-blindness (the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and alexithymia (the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in oneself or others), which reduce the ability to be empathetically attuned to others. A second issue related to alexithymia involves the inability to identify and modulate strong emotions such as sadness or anger, which leaves the individual prone to "sudden affective outbursts such as crying or rage"
(Haiz. To be honest, I used to think I really am 'something wrong' cos of all these. I know my parents, sisters & a few close ones probably won't ever figure out and think I'm very short tempered, petty, cannot accept/take it lying, why so easily agitated over small/little things only? When I'm feeling that way, I only know how to sulk & 'angry at whole world')

People with AS may exhibit ongoing difficulty in social and romantic relationships as well as kinship. Most young adults with AS remain at home. The "different-ness" adolescents experience can be traumatic. People with AS report a feeling of being detached against their will from the world around them ("on the outside looking in"). They may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to poor social skills, although some do marry and work independently. ( :( everything is correct. Cos ppl find it hard to get along with me, just as I find it hard to get along with others. It's funny how I have no problems with these at all during my poly/hai die days. It was only during pri/sec & in recent years that the struggles I faced to be 'socially accepted' become more apparent.)

The complexity and inconsistency of the social world can pose an extreme challenge for individuals with AS. Anxiety may stem from being placed in a situation without a clear schedule or expectations, or from concern with failing in social encounters; the resulting stress may manifest as inattention, withdrawal, reliance on obsessions, hyperactivity, or aggressive or oppositional behaviour. (And here's the most appropriate line that sums up everything. Ppl always say I am complicated/complex but you know what? I could say its the same of ppl/the world. I cannot comprehend why it's so hard for me to understand ppl and so hard for them to accept me. And I want to believe it's not cos I'm stupid for 'not getting it'.)

Causes
Hans Asperger described common symptoms among his patients' family members, especially fathers, and research supports this observation and suggests a genetic contribution to Asperger syndrome. Evidence for a genetic link is the tendency for AS to run in families and an observed higher incidence of family members who have behavioral symptoms similar to AS.

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So my character/problem is inherited?

Come to think of it, I think Papa is like that also. And well, it's not hard to figure why Papa is like that. Cos Papa's family is also like that -.-

Mama also always say Papa's family is qi guai. But my parents say I'm qi guai. I know they know I DO NOT LIKE to be said weird/different/special/stupid, but sometimes they'd just keep emphasising in OTHER ways/methods of saying. Especially my mom. Wah lau, I kena criticized/hiam and show black face she can actually say things like, "不可以讲的meh? 讲都不可以啊?"

You expect the person you criticised about to smile at you and thank you for making nasty remark about him/her huh? You think that's going to happen? He/she diao you, you still got cheek to say "What? Cannot comment meh? Comment also cannot ah?" You tell me kiam pak or not?

Haiz.

Just cost I'm not as smart & quick like my sisters, I kena ostrasized. Ostrasizing don't have to occur outside, my home/family have already. Hey, favouritism starts from home! If you'd been told you suck ALL your life, would you feel good/confident EVER?

Adeline says I just have to accept I'm not good in everything. But thing is... I accept leh, but my parents can't even accept/embrace that then how? I'm not saying I MAY or may not have ASD/AS (dunno how it's diagnosed anyway), but the truth is I really have problems understanding/learning/comprehending other ppl's meaning. So when I don't get it fast enough, I'm deemed stupid right?

Ya, I am slow. I am the tortoise of the race. My mom always say I'm so much slower than my peers. She always feel there's no time to waste, makes me also feel that I cannot waste my time but what's so hard to accept other ppl take 1 day to understand, I take few days is not acceptable in her context huh? Then she'll say, "why ppl can do it in 1 day, u cannot?" -.- Then how can I reply without ALREADY feeling lousy? I can only say "ppl is ppl ma, I am me ma."

You know the situation whereby the teacher/instructor will ask "Clear? Any questions?" I actually am the person with MANY questions that I want to raise but when I look around, everybody is already starting to work on it while I'm still unclear. I'm told I asked too many questions (by my sisters mainly) and they don't have the patience to answer my, what they think are bo liao/stupid questions. Sometimes I get curious about things, so I asked but I didn't realise ppl may not want to answer me cos they just don't.

So I stopped asking questions, afraid of offending ppl. But ppl thought I bochup, don't care, unfriendly, anti-social, don't want to get involved. Then I get confused all over again.

I think Xiang is the most patient person in the world with me. He reacts super duper fast. He's probably trained somewhere somehow. He picks up things fast and able to predict things ahead and seem to be aware of everything in the surrounding. I'm very jia lat and he knows and he still stays - for 5.5 years. Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve him :(

When I think of my flaws, I :'( low self-esteem, social awkwardness, scared of embarrassment/rejection, aren't able to deal with criticism, very negative/pessimistic, you get the drift. I am ultra sensitive and easily crumble down by ppl's words/comments so I always avoid/stay away at all cost. Sometimes I become the heartless one to cut off relationships/ties with ppl so I don't have to be humiliated. Blablabla... and a set of chain reaction again & again cos I am weak-willed, weak-minded, weak-heart. I will think that bad things occur to me and/or ppl around me is me being a jinx/loser. I just want to survive, why is it so hard? How do I stop all these vicious cycle?

I KNOW I have to fix/solve it but I just don't know how to step out to cultivate a bigger heart & a stronger mind. Surely I'm not the only weird/abnormal one around? :(

I always want to avoid miscommunication/misunderstandings, that's why I want to be clear. So I asked questions. I am not stingy with questions to learn something alien/new, I only worry if ppl will get impatient & irritated with me asking so many questions/times.

I know it's sometimes ok to make mistakes doing something new but not everybody knows that. When you do something wrong, they'll make it like super grave. It takes a lot of experiences to make a person kia si.

When a kid doesn't understand, one will be most forgiving and "ok, he/she is still young". When an adult doesn't understand or don't get it, don't tell me you don't anticipate any of those "Goodness! Why is this person so fucking stupid? Why doesn't he understand something so fucking simple! So simple also dunno!"

When a kid cries over something, it's cos they don't know how to conceal their feelings. When an adult tear, one will think there's something wrong and why are they crying, so childish and don't know how to act maturely etc.

Adeline said something that made me LOL but also felt better, "If you have a task at hand and you know I you ask for help to get answers, that person confirm say you stupid. But if you don't ask, you can't do your task. Just be thick-skin abit and ngeh geh get the answer you're looking. Get your task done and get over. Ppl don't say u stupid, your boss will say you're stupid 'Dunno den dun ask?' EVEN WORSE! Of cos will be upset when ppl say you're stupid. Hello! No one likes to be call stupid. You say I'm stupid, I will of cos be unhappy. But move on lor! At most I just don't like that person only."

HAHAHAHAHA....

She has a way of making my day better. I guess ppl with faith tend to inspire others a lot :D Thanks for making every day of the weekday more enjoyable for me and something for me to look forward to on a daily basis :)

I'm not trying to prove the existence or signs of any possible medical conditions/personality deficiency that I am having. I believe everybody is given the chance & a choice to be comfortable in their own skin. I am at extreme peace as long as I'm comfortable, so is everybody else when they are at ease physically & mentally.

However, I am always struggling with that due to the social standards/conformities to 'be nice, considerate & friendly'. I always feel extremely uncomfortable & unable to come to terms when ppl are telling me what's good & bad, wrong & right, can do & cannot do. How the hell do YOU know what's 'good' & what's 'bad' for someone else?

I am fine with short hair, thank you. I know long hair is deemed more attractive for a woman's head/face/body and able to experience with more styles but I just like to keep it short.

I know EVERYBODY likes chocolates and would go gaga over it, it's yummy, high quality, high premium, rare etc etc But I just don't like sticky & overly sweet stuff down my throat. So yes I don't take it so don't come and tell me "Lai la, eat la! It's so good you know! Wah lau you dunno how to appreciate one." Just cos I don't eat chocolates, I'm being ostracized for being the weird one again right?

Haiz. MMT. (a term that will appear pretty often - makes me think)

Like what I did to my resolutions for 2012, I'm just going to follow my heart and accept & embrace everything.

Like what I mentioned, everybody is given the chance & a choice to be comfortable in their own skin. Let's just strive for that.

PEACE YO!

Makes Me Think

2012-01-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

It's one of those moment when things starts rolling/folding/unfolding in front of you all at the same time that makes one think.

It doesn't necessarily seem good or bad. It just makes you think/reflect about it. In fact there's a website call MakesMeThink.com where ppl would summarize the very specific situation in a few sentence or a paragraph. I first knew about MMT while reading an entry from MarcAndAngel.com and would occasionally pop by to read a few stories that will warm my heart and makes me feel I'm/everyone is only human.

Of course, I am a lor sor auntie and I'm not able to sum up what makes me think into a few lines only lol since I'm usually spurred by many factors at the same time.

Sometime back before CNY, there has been some high profile online feuds going on. I admit I am one of those 'boliao netizens' who went to kpo and read all about it. Though I may not entirely remember each & every content, but after reading all sides, it strucked me. Mainly because I'd been in the shoes for BOTH sides.

Yes, I have been the "although I feel that we 谈得来 but sometimes I'm irked by some of your boliao & weird actions & your insensitivity but I care about your feelings so I never showed & tell you anything" AS WELL AS the "I don't know/understand why we don't hang out anymore. Why have we drifted? Is there something about me that you don't like? Am I so detestable/unlikable?"

I'm not the best person to be friends with neither do I have any lovable traits which draw ppl to me. I am eccentric, 孤僻 and 古怪. I'm not good at communicating/expressing myself to keep up with a conversation with ppl. I am wired a bit differently and it makes it hard for ppl to communicate with me as well. But then again, I think I am usually the first to build up a barrier even before letting anyone in, cos I can't even step out my comfort zone TO BE MYSELF cos of all the social conformities.

Sometimes I also find that I am trying too hard to blend in with others and always struggle with "算了拉，勉强是没有幸福的。没有话题/共同点，就是没有." & :just relax & be normal lor, no need to impress ppl what". If I insist the way I think/act (which usually is rather selfish/self-centred), I end up becoming 不合群 and ppl will not want me to be part of their clique/group since I'm such a lousy team player. So ppl will definitely find it hard to 相处 with me - dunno what the hell is wrong with me, why I'm so particular, why I cannot chin chai or why I always anyhow think and form things in my head.

That's when all the assumption/miscommunication/coordination go wrong.

One party feels ashamed, thinking the other party won't ever forget the negative/aggravating emotion cause by the other party even if it's sometimes unintentionally. One party feel the other party should apologise and shouldn't be the first to initiate anything. Then it's a vicious cycle of "算了，累了, 放弃拉" & "都朋友这么久了，为什么这样？”

A is 敏感又忌恨记仇的人，被伤到了，不说不表示。
B is 讲话没有大脑的人，不知道自己得罪人。

Have you been in both situations before? How do you handle it?

If I'm in A, I usually will 'blacklist' the person and will walk away quietly & move on and hope things will resolve on its own. As in, usually after a (long) while, I will forget it if the other party do not irk/hurt me again and we shall restart since I would think other party probably never noticed I 'had ever left before', just 'never contact' much.

Unfortunately, more often than not, I'm in the situation of B than of A. Because of that, I have also walked out/away from many ppl in my lives. Of course the situation always happen when I don't know. And insensitive or low EQ ppl, like me, would only find out thereafter that our words/actions made ppl turn off. It MAY help if the person in B would just admit & apologise, whether the other party accept is another matter. 得罪就要赔罪，天经地义. But.... 我常常没有做到。

My theory/logic is I won't risk saying wrong things and you wont hear those things you don't like to hear if we just don't meet/hang out anymore. Cos I probably wouldn't know your unhappiness until the matter triggers some other chain reaction and only then I'd happen to know somehow. Ya, sometimes things don't have to be too extreme or need to be 撕破脸皮. But sometimes there just comes to a point in your life that you don't need to go through all these confrontations from others. Can't everyone just live in peace? 井水不犯河水.

Most of my post usually rant about being B, hence the spur of a lot of emo post which to others may seem small & insignificant and would wave it off as me being insecure or wallowing in self-pity what not and will "there she goes again"....

But 重点 is, there was this one time, just one single time I was A and I really felt that the other party was B but I would feel that my B-ness level isn't as hers. So, like anybody in A, I moved away and we never talk or spoken ever since. But as time pass, I guess I felt from an A to a B again which was then I realised, any kind of situation will make me a B :(

Everyone has their way of 'treating a friend like a friend'. Eg. X & Y are friends. X treats Y as like 85/100-mark friend, but Y may feel that X is a 65/100-friend to her. Y hasn't really felt THAT close to X yet. But X's nature is friendly so X is friendly to everybody. That's why X thought Y treated her like an 85/100 friend as well so X was hurt to also know that yuan lai Y only sees her as 65/100.

If it helps, I was Y and the friend was X. In that case, the only 'wrong' thing I didn't do was doing what that person expected me to do and she was disappointed that I 'didn't do my part as a friend' for her. Hence I never once apologised for doing what I did cos I felt I was merely telling to someone else how I felt. There were 2 other ppl indirectly involved.

I knew a C from X. The 3 of us had a common interest that we loved doing and would meet regularly to do this activity. All the while I know X had a strong character and often like to lead. Maybe she didn't really WANT to lead but C & I were more giving so we usually let it be even though sometimes I may not agree. There was a period of time when we were thrown in a situation to work closely with X on a huge major project. All the while there were no major problems with X even though sometimes will feel ridiculous or pissed off but they were still bearable, until that project came along.

Ironically, I grew closer to C than with X as I would pour all unhappiness about X to C since C & X are much closer & has a longer friendship history than me. C was very positive and being very understanding & encouraging. All the while I have the wishes & intention to form another project with C without X cos sometimes X really push all the wrong buttons in me but of cos X doesn't know or realise that cos I never display any unhappiness in front of her. X has a habit of being extremely defensive when being confronted - which was something not just me who had first-hand experience during the huge major project period. Many a time, things we brought up to her will be waved off and she'll insist her ideas and therefore imposing on us. There was no breathing space if we were just have things being shoved down at our throats. I don't know if she ever knew about that =\ cos since nobody ever (dared) to get it through her head?

After the huge major project was over, all of us took quite a long 6-month break until X gathered us for another project which was a competition. I sure did miss doing what I love doing with them but the thought of 'another competition', I wasn't really THAT enthu due to the previous traumatic experience. But the eagerness to continue do what I love doing was more overwhelming.

So there was this other person, Q who knows X from me. Q doesn't really like X but I don't have a problem with that since Q & X won't ever meet/hang out. The thing which all of us do is a small circle and everybody knows everybody. I would say I'm not close to Q either but I enjoy chatting with ppl about the thing that we do, which includes the technical aspect of it and Q is a technical expert/professional on that. So I mentioned to Q about C, if perhaps we could collaborate on other projects.

Q then asked "Then what about X?" To be honest, I wasn't really enthu about competitions, I'd very much love to do 'the real thing on a regular basis or one-time off' kinda thing though I know it's quite hard so competitions are sort of 2nd-best options. Q was under the impression that X & I always stuck together and questioned about whether I could leave X and do it on my own. I have been thinking about this far & long for many times. I know I wouldn't get so many opportunities if not for X but I really don't like the dictatorship of where this is bringing me. If I have the opportunity & right time, I'd definitely want to do this myself. But I'd tried and it didn't work. Then X roped me in and we'd gotten some achievements, I like it. But I didn't like what I'd to put up with to get there. So I told Q about my 'grievances' & helplessness, also about X as well cos I couldn't choose and don't know what the best for myself.

After having this convo with Q, I wanted to share it with C but alas, an unfortunate mistake occurred and I'd sent it to X herself instead. She read all about it and understandably, she was furiously mad. Her one question came, "Why didn't you defend for me when Q say all the negative things about me which weren't true? He doesn't know me but YOU KNOW me. Am I really like that?"

I didn't defend for myself for the that thing she said I hadn't done. I didn't explain anything further. Therefore she got mad cos she thinks I'm 'not being a friend' here. I had also never once apologised for what it happened except voluntarily quit the team/competition. At first, she said I'm being irresponsible but I told her since she had already read everything, should I still continue? She didn't reply and we never spoke. She found another replacement for the competition and we weren't friends anymore cos I eventually pulled out from everything. The team she led eventually won the 1st place for that competition and many other chances & opportunities to do what we had envisioned ourselves doing back in the days... and I'm not part of it any longer.

Yes, it's been 3 years. She is doing really well with her new team. To say I don't envy and I'm not bitter is a lie. We have all moved on but it's still stuck there somewhere in my memory whenever I stumble on 'friendship problems'.

I would just wish ppl do not bear/put/pin any expectation on me, cos I'm bound to disappoint.

:( and :)

2012-01-24T15:41:00.001+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year. It's the year of Dragon and I hope everyone's enjoying the auspicious year so far.

I'm not really a fan of CNY cos I haven't been getting CNY clothes/shoes for a long time. I usually just wear clothes that my relatives have not seen it before.

Although I have wanted not to overeat but... hmm... during festive season like such, I guess you follow what everybody's doing. I can only wait until the season is over to go back to regular lifestyle. I didn't get to run the whole of last week and this week cos of rain! I am dying to run everyday if I could (and if I'm not tired - from work).

The only different thing this year was that - I picked up mahjong from my dad. I was never good at games (be it card/board games or those orientation type you do) but since my sisters were so enthu, so we attending the mj workshop/seminar/tutorial conducted by my Papa. Sad to say I really CMI and I don't think I can ever play with real money since I always kept losing :(

It's the second day of CNY but I was already feeling emo looking at those gross pics taken on first day yesterday. I guess it was a wrong choice of dress/outfit. I looked horrendous. Even though I may have nice skin but I have already figured it's not good to expose any flesh cos I am a hippo. Makes me regret ever wearing this dress like that in public before. It must have been eyesore to ppl and I still happily think I look not bad in it. Good grief... and my sisters posted all of those majorly gross puking pics.

Mj is interesting to learn abt cos of the various combi one could get. As much as it takes luck to get good tiles but have to be a bit good with figures to know when to keep and when to discards tiles. Looking at the circles, shapes and all can be confusing. Cos they do not only have 4 suits like you see in poker cards. I admit, I'm not good with counting figures/probability. There are a total of 136 tiles... as oppose to the 54 in poker cards. I know a bit of cards cos I'm pretty good at Solitaire & Spider Solitaire and maybe a bit of Daidee (Big 2).

I though this bonding activity with my family seems not bad until relatives came over and we all noobs play together and that was when as aunt was asking my dad who plays the best amongst we sisters and dad ranked Ah Mian first then Ah Neng then I was the last. "阿恩最差的"

That triggered off the emo monster :(((((

I got up feeling extremely upset when I thought of Papa's words as well as seeing the photos Ah Neng posted, without filtering & considering my feelings what if her friends and our cousins saw those pics that were not meant to see the light. I have disabled my tagged pics such that only her friends and our common friends are the only ones who will see those pics if she decided not to take down :(((

It always makes me think I'm really not good with a lot of things. I am always the stupidest & biggest loser. It's not that I want to win, I'm not even a competitive person to begin with cos I KNOW I'm not good at most things in life. And the comparison is even made bigger since my sisters are so much smarter than me - able to solve rubic cube within a minute, able to memorize things within short time frame, able to calculate some difficult things etc. Above all, my 性格, 人缘 is ridiculously-atrocious.

Mr Z was away in JB (during every CNY) so I could only exchange Whatsapp text with him. Told him that yuan lai I look so nan kan & cui but he always bluff me say I am cute :((( and I really believe it. So whenever my sisters say I look exceptionally gross, they are right. Just that I never chose to accept it. :(((

-

Z : U too negative la. Pics posted not like u lost anything. What's so hard to embrace yourself, including your weakness & flaws. No one is gonna love u if u don't love yourself first. When you love yourself you can be confident and try to make what you have count or more standout, no?

Me : Cos I am really so lousy & nothing I do is correct. Cos I never think I'm ever good!

Z : Precisely, that has always been your weakness. Low self-esteem. Easy to give up when you feel lousy. U barely know abt mj then u say u suck. Diff ppl absorb differently.

Me : I always doubt myself and I always need to seek assurance. Den whenever I don't get it, I feel like dying.

Z : Some have better instincts, better rate of absorbing skills or knowledge. U will never be happy if u only know how to sulk. Instead of realising yuan lai your understanding power not do good, then u need to put in more effort than other ppl what!

Me : I thought I am happy in my own world with my own standard but truth is not like that. You know I'm not competitive and die die NEED to win. When I find things interesting, I will step out and learn more abt it but that doesn't mean once I learn I MUST/WILL be good at it. But I don't like it when ppl say I'm stupid or slow. Even if I really am, is it a sin?

Z : It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn. You don't like ppl to say u stupid or slow but have u wonder how to come to terms yet with your level of understanding power? U shld also know when we watch movies together, sometimes u also don't get the plot what. U are slower in some sense.

Me : :'(

Z : but doesn't mean u cannot work harder than other. If only u can see that.

Me : Ppl catch & able to predict things faster & better than me, I must work harder to understand it faster & better than them?

Z : In a way, yes, if u want to catch up with them. or u can come to terms with it and don't need to care. Knowing u, u can just don't care lor!

Me : My brain is wired up differently so I also dunno how to make it work faster willingly. I also wish to dun care what ppl say but sometimes it gets stuck in my head n their words & actions keeps replaying in my head even though sometimes they may not mean it and that's making me hard to get along with ppl cos I know I will get suck into this kinda situation. I cannot stop myself from feeling negative thinking ppl's impression of how lousy I am if I'm unable to perform up to their standard/expectation. But yet I can't seem to be able to push myself to work harder either. Then end result it becomes I can't do anything well/right. So I'm always getting upset with my family & my friends and I always feel that I'm better off alone.

Z : Ya u already know what makes u upset. Then u have the 2 options like I told u. Work hard & wipe the weak side of yourself away or heck care and just live your life that way it is.

Me : I'm always choosing the latter. Trying to heck care and live my life but sometimes I can't do that. I don't want to be said things like 忘恩负义 or 过河拆桥.

Z : U very jialat in a way u dunno how to choose what's best for yourself. You also don't have a strong resolve to change things. U are contradicting yourself la. Don't want to care means simply don't care, so why care? If not, then u need to have a stronger mind & stomach to cushion the blow ppl are going to give u.

Me : If I work hard but end up disappointing ppl or myself again, I'd rather not. Whenever I try to do things right, I know my way is always different from other ppl, but ppl will doubt me like wah what happen to u, how come sudden spur of moment, since when u so hardworking one? or Eh i tot u last time whatever whatever one... how come now whatever whatever and all sort of stupid remarks.

Z : Who cares abt what other ppl think. I only care abt end results. Just do according to what your heart desire can liao, why u always think so much?

Me : :((((((((

Z : Sigh u like that confirm very difficult to survive in the outside world. U weak in both the mind and the body. Haiz

Me : Sorry, I am ruining yr mood & yr day again :(

Z : The only gd thing is got a loving papa who dotes on u lol and a handsome bf :D Yr life is blessed even though u are no brain sha sha de. 傻人有傻福 not in a bad way. at least u got things u are proud to have in life and got ppl who really cared. U just need to stop all ur negativity thinking la. U dunno what's impt.

Me : I always feel my parents & sisters are bo bian are we're related by blood and I'm unable to do anything to make them proud & I feel it's bo bian they have to stick around in my life even though they hate it. And I always bring their standard down. My mom always doesn't recognise me as 我是她生的.

Z : U already have what other don't have, u dun need to have the THEIR SET of caliber to make them proud. Well, u are the most problematic one yes but know your parents know u got a bf who wants u, they very ease of mind liao. I already help u live up to some of their expectations liao.

Me : They nv thought it's possible I'l have a bf, let alone someone who has been with me for that long :(((((

Z : U don't need to do anything but just go learn how to do hse chores & be a good wife & mom la. And don't do anything that will make u lose me -.-

Me : Orh nod nod. Sorry Dearie, I can never say this enough to u. Sorry for giving u such a hard time cos I am so problematic :((((

Z : Ya I know. U are super effing glad to have met me and I can be yr strongest support :)

Me : Thank you Dearie. That's why I depend a lot on u also...

Z : Yes! So don't be so negative anymore ok. I'm very strong, I have a big heart & a strong mind mentally so I'm sent to u to help u oki ^^

Me : I also dunno why I'm so weak. Some words shouldn't be taken seriously but I will still mind.

Z : Cos yr heart weak ma. Must force yourself to take criticism. Ppl say what then let them say la.

Me : Sometimes I wonder how ppl are able to take hurtful remarks thrown at them. Some words are so nasty why can ppl be so mean and still able to say it out?

Z : Yr heart must be a shield for yourself. Ppl say what u can choose to take in selectively. Good one u can listen. Mouths are theirs, that u cannot control.

Me : Think cultivating heck care attitude probably works better for me than trying to work so extremely hard to please everyone. Sigh hopefully I can make my heart stronger oki...

Z : Work hard not for other ppl but yourself. Work hard, in anything, is to make yourself stronger ok!

Me : OK ^^ :)

-

Thank you for always making me :( to :)

新的一年，新计划！

2011-12-27T21:57:00.004+08:00

It has been a month since I had commenced on my current job. I have been really happy & satisfied with it, no major complains whatsoever cos after all, it has been the most organised and most 'right' job I'd ever been in. This is considered 'heaven' for me actually... nice boss, nice colleagues, get to leave on the dot, I still get to do design work. Although there are other sai kangs, but are all quite do-able ones so it's not an issue really.

I know, I should be updating posts more regularly now that I have more time for myself but well, I'd been accepting freelance projects, working with Rajat & another ex-RDI mate currently on 2 separate projects on weekday nights. I have also been running regularly, yay! But perhaps due to the rain these days, I'm able to take some time off to focus on these projects at the moment.

Weekends are, of course, spent with Xiang. More often than not, we'd be catching movies and jogging together as well if weather permits. We would, of course, be discussing some SERIOUS LIFE issues these days as well. I am enjoying all these simple lifestyles: day job, freelance job, Korean dramas, weekend hanging out, regular jogging. It's ok that it isn't 'happening', I'm not looking forward to go town and squeeze with the rest of the population when even the neighbourhoods are crowded enough.

Xiang & I caught New Year's Eve a couple of weeks ago and there was a line which Hilary Swank said in the movie, "New Year is about forgiving and have second chances." It strike a chord in me and that's definitely right.

Everyone is or needs to be constantly figuring out what you want. You may not have a clear idea yet but it will come as soon as you start or event attempt to take the first step forward. But first you need to let go of the past, only then you can identify the lesson/issue, accept your current situation and then focus on the things you can change. Be very specific and lose the negative forces in order to concentrate on DOING instead of NOT DOING. And the last vital ingredient : maintain it & keep the momentum alive.

Maybe you may not notice, but by following the steps mentioned in the above paragraph, you have learnt to take care of your body. Well, in the act of practising & committing to your goals, you learn to develop strategy of coping.

LIVE PASSIONATELY NOW!!! I MEAN NOW!!!

At the end of every year, I have all sorts of resolutions that I never really keep/achieve. I guess the main reason is I get disappointed easily not seeing the desired results and I give up too easily. Hence I always withdraw from everything/everyone cos I have been living a sad life for too long, worrying what others think of me. Always inferior with the social comparison and being pessimistic & depressed all the fucking time and making myself miserable and always go aiya, forget it la, cannot one, how can?

Nobody would want to fail and I understand life gets stressful with perfectionists around criticizing your each & every move. How to be the best? What else? You know the answer too! What's stopping you? What's so hard to Be Positive! Haha ok, it is actually quite hard but you can PRETEND you are the best or pretend everyday is going to be a great day. What's so hard to believe what you can make yourself feel? I guess if you put yourself in fear of uncertainty long enough, you will be fearless somehow too lol :X I mean, what's the worst that could happen so long you are alive?

So now, my REAL resolutions - to be completed within 2012.

1. Get married.
Took a really long time to stablise but I'm I was given a second chance to work things out and I'm extremely glad we are able to proceed onto the next level after 5.5 years. 选择长久在一起，就要同心克服种种难关. Was told by Xiang he will only present ring first quart of 2012. We intend for our parents to meet formally for the first time after CNY. If it works well, should be able to proceed to ROM within the next couple of months after the formal meeting.

2. Stay at my current job.
I have never stayed more than a year in any job. I would have to try to stay past a year in this job! 1.5mths down! 10.5mths to go! :D

3. Lose weight/Drop a size.
A daily struggle for me since years ago actually. It doesn't help with my previous xiong job that require almost daily OT or the China job where my boss would always like to eat & eat good food - all accumulated inside me since then. Age of cos doesn't help too. Metabolism decrease... =\

I have been hovering at 68-69 for the longest time. Find it damn hard to even be 67. In the past I'd wish I can be 60 or even just 62 would be good. But that's my poly weight back in 10 years ago... too hard. I shall realistically set my goal to be 65 la, a figure I haven't seen since 2007-2008? I'm a UK12/14, it'll be good if I could drop to 10/12 also by end of 2012 :)

4. Blog regularly.
Something I wished I'd done at every free moment I can squeeze out with. I AM GOING TO DO IT! Cos this is one of the thing I enjoy doing and it makes me happy while doing it. Ok la, I'm 孤僻 so typing to a blog, I feel like I have a 对象 to 谈心说话 with.

5. Helping & Sharing
As a 孤僻 person, I have become a self-centred, selfish person. The last thing I want to do is to face sian ppl, having to help them do things. But, seriously you gotta face 'sian ppl' everyday, you know seeing them you will also confirm feel sian so why ruin your mood? I'd just take it as a challenge for myself 'to develop strategy for coping' lor. Practice acts of kindness and hope ppl won't take you for granted. But even if ppl did, learn to forgive lor. Sharing & caring and that itself is a selfless act :) 做好/善事，怎么会有人会骂你怪你呢？

6. Treat my Family nicer
I guess it started with my grumpy/grouchy personality, therefore I hardly interacted with my family but I'd say lately things did improve with my currently stability of my relationship & my job. These seems to be 2 main things which my family judge/based upon my 'performance'. My 'performance' hasn't been good for the longest time until recently. 感谢上天恩赐 really.

It's quite shallow to say cos I finally have the 经济能力 to buy them things/gifts/clothes and bring them out to eat, but they did react/treat me better too. But then again, they have waited long enough until I have money to do all these for them. 万事真是起头难. So I hope to keep it going. I used to wish to 光宗耀祖 but I realised so long they see I have a stable job with stable income, someone to love & someone to love me, I guess that counts as 光宗耀祖 too. :)

7. Experience Autumn
I had wanted to see Sakura this year (doesn't matter location) but I'm not sure whether that's possible to plan. However, what's certain is a confirmed Korea trip in Sept or Oct. Zach has a friend whose relatives live in Seoul. His friend travels to Seoul on a yearly basis so he jio use to go! I AM ABLE TO VISIT KOREA AGAIN!!! Free & easy this time just within Seoul! That's good enough! I wanna visit Namsam Tower this time and visit Everland or Lotter World AGAIN!!! I wanna get many many Faceshop, Nature Republic stuff!!!

8. Learn to Cook better
A lot of things are quite idiot proof, like fried egg, rice, broccoli + cauliflower + carrot, ABC soup etc. I hope to be able to 下厨 more and be able to cook a decent meal for my family, for Ah Xiang and for his family. This may very well be a test to my family to, again, judge if I can really 自己住在外面 outside, also for Xiang's family to also judge if I am good enough =\

9. Follow my Heart.
我太在意旁人的眼光，太在意别人怎么看我. It's really too tiring to please every single one. Everyone should just forget about impressing others.

BE AUTHENTIC AND BE YOURSELF! So what if I am weird or abnormal to some/most ppl? I like what I have, I like what I'm doing, I am happy with what I believe in, who are you to tell me wrong? Everybody live by their own standard, as long as I improve myself each time or anytime I do something, why should I even need to explain myself as if I'm doing something wrong?

I am embracing all imperfections of myself and of others. I don't expect others to do the same to/of me but I will try to accept things when they are less than perfect. Why? Just so I could savour the joy of simple pleasures - to feel self-sufficient :) Because that's what following your heart is all about.

10. Improve Creatively.
It's high time I should be passionate about what I like to do :) Instead of producing substandard quality work. I really want to achieve the wow-factor in my work! I must compete with myself to be the best!

11. Live Passionately.
Starts from this very moment :)

-

BRING IT ON, 2012!

I Like My Life Now

2011-11-24T11:00:00.002+08:00

Second week to my current job as a civil servant. It does sounds glamourous to be one but then again what I am really doing is mainly to provide artistic/creative support to what this non-profit organisation needs. To be honest, I am very glad I accepted this job as I had certain reserves about jumping this job previously. Even had LOOOONNGGG chats with Shan about this.

As it turned out, I am extremely delighted with this move/choice and it has been making me nothing but happy, contented & satisfied. I wasn't the grouchy monster I had been for the past 6 months and many things are looking brighter ahead for me and I'm thankful for this "rainbow after the darkest days". When something is right, you know you feel it's right. So hopefully this 'rightness' will continue for a much longer period of time. I'm not saying my previous jobs choices were wrong, I learnt a lot but I supposed there will always be pros & cons and it depends on how does one weigh or balance it.

Life here is relatively good, so far. But that's because it's towards end of the year and most projects are in its closing stage until the new academic semester in January. Generally, we're giving multimedia support within a school environment. So even if we're selling our service, we can only do it within the school compound to let lecturers, professors know how interactive media & mobile technology is able to aid in teaching methods and how to build better rapport with student using smart technology etc. My dept is more towards "educational research & development". Some lecturers still don't know what we do, so sometimes we'd have to advertise/promote our service within the school campus.

I'm still trying to get the whole 'innovative technology for education/learning" thing sorted out myself too as I'm very graphic/aesthetic based but now have to also associate with mobile/e-learning/virtual world, not to mention having to pick up programming too ><

My dept has about 20+ ppl but I don't get to meet/work with them a lot, at least haven't yet. Throughout my 2 weeks, I have been facing ppl from my team which consists of 4 ppl. All 4 of us have the title of MD - Multimedia Developer or Media Designer. But we have various focus. Essentially they wanted me to do what the previous designer was doing but I'm new ma, you guys worked with the previous person or several years and you know in your head what that person does, I totally have no clue ma. So what I'm doing now is just helping them with adhoc duties and by doing that I guess I could slowly figure out what's to be done.

And the reason why I have been happier:

CAN GO HOME ON TIME!!! NO NEED STAY BACK OT!!!!!!!!!!!
CHEAP FOOD! LESS THAN $3 A MEAL!
A LOT OF BENEFITS!

The above points are already able to make me happy liao! Any other areas could be worked out definitely. Share more observations again next time!

Meanwhile, I'd been occupied with a little project recently. Shall reveal more when more research/work done.

I Can Never Emphasize This Enough

2011-11-09T23:23:00.001+08:00

....that Happiness is indeed short-lived, even after you exchange it with time/effort/tears etc.

It seems like it only happen to kids from the day they were born till they start schooling and having to gain knowledge & wisdom each passing day to understanding what it's like to be a human being and what life experience is about.

I still remember a Happiness story that Huishan told me ages ago about a little puppy who asked its mother what is happiness/xing fu. The mother told him, "Happiness is on your tail, son!" So this little puppy kept chasing after its tail but of course, it couldn't. So he asked his mother again, "Mama, why am I unable to catch the happiness on my tail? (I would think it's more appropriate if this line is in Chinese - 为什么我一直追不到幸福呢?)" The puppy's mother told him, "Silly boy, just walk ahead and happiness will follow you! (只要你往前走，幸福就会跟着你啦!)"

In midst of growing up, I got confused again. I'm sure some of you must have heard it somewhere on "幸福是要争取的，你才能得到你要的幸福"

Maybe Happiness is not worth on a person like me.
I don't deserve happiness or even love.
I'm told I don't know what is happiness, I don't know what is love.
And until I understand the real meaning, I don't deserve either.

It's a cruel world, they say.
没有失去，哪懂得珍惜, they say.
Even if I have everything in the world, I will lose everything slowly, they say.
Life is a huge gamble, you win some, you lose more, they say.

不管旁人怎么不看好，只要我们两情相悦就好。
不管意见不和，总会找出办法来迁就对方。
不管遇到多少波折难关，多累也绝对不会放手的。

可是你已经说走就走了，头也不回的离开我了。

我不奢望也不敢奢求我现在会好过，因为这一切都是我应得的报应。
Happiness isn't something I'm entitled to, I will not be wishful to have it.
Happiness is as short-lived as it is - 就一根蜡烛的时间罢了。

我再也不会也不敢奢求任何人能了解我，或接受我 - because I don't deserve it.

I am not hopeful for anything else in life except peacefulness. Just peace.

Just tiny peace to get me through. Just peace.

Things Are Picking Up

2011-11-03T10:21:00.002+08:00

As the saying goes, nobody will be suay forever. Stay positive and good things will come along. I now believe in "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going".

It wasn't easy to pick myself up from the past half year of mild depression due to.... every possible struggle in life it could happen. The process of 'what am I doing' and the process of weighing pros & cons are never easy. Sacrifices are made to make oneself, ok, myself, happier but sometimes things doesn't work the way you wish/hope for it to happen, even if it was for the better.

Alas, if you're not happy about being in a sucky situation, either 1) change your mindset to fit/suit the situation/environment or 2) get yourself out of the situation. Simple as that. Usually if 1) works, you wouldn't need to attempt 2), isn't it? It's not going to be easy, but just do it, no matter how small the attempt.

I know I have been moving around a lot for the past 2.5 years, unable to settle down in a job for more than 6 months even though I REALLY REALLY wish to find a long-term stable job. I don't want to think of it as 'being suay' anymore. Unlike in relationships where one can be single and not being attached to anyone for as long as it goes on, one cannot be jobless as a livelihood is dependent on the salary income. So one has to be "attached to a company/organisation" even if it's not a desirable place/environment or other factors.

Bottom line is, I made a move, again. I won't know if it's something I'm suitable for. So I'm just gonna keep trying to find my place of calling even if this doesn't work out again.

I am glad I have been able to feel positive feelings these days, as compared to all the unhappiness, helplessness, uselessness I have felt for as long as it had went on...

A nice farewell dinner I had.

First time I get to work with a team of really experienced & artistic people. Rest of the ladies are designers, the guys are production ppl, including the young ang moh. Older ang moh is none other than my now-ex-boss. There were another 3-4 ppl who couldn't join. But yeah, Chinese Singaporean severely outnumbered lol

A awkward pic/moment when my boss asked me to make a farewell speech which I have turned it into a thank you speech instead.

Side track, that blue dress was purchased from ASOS! Xiang was always into male fashion, especially towards 'ang moh style' whereas I was told I always have been quite 'korean style' whatever that means. He has intro me ASOS and I was baffled that THERE ARE MY SIZES!!! I am going to switch to ang moh style like my bf now! :X

It was always a pain to go to shopping malls to find something right. I am not entirely new to online shopping. The last I remembered was purchasing plus size clothes from a plus size blog shop and even before that, from Yahoo auctions which has ceased operation now.

Things with Xiang is also slowly picking up as we went into JB for his relative's wedding.

It was hard to believe that it has been 5 years we'd been together and hanging out with each other so frequently, doing things together, laugh & cry together, keeping each other in our lives. I certainly hope we can take this onto another level :D

I never thought I'd still be able to dress up and still look cute but here's an act cute max pic to remind my friends and myself that I AM STILL VERY CUTE OKI!!!! Wahaha.....

Made some tweaks to the layout once in a while, depending on my mood. Had a grey background back then as I was feeling really grey, aimless & directionless. Added tab background colour. Made some changes to About Me.

As I have some free time recently before I commence on my next job, one of the tasks I want to do is clear/tidy/organise my room and the first thing is my wardrobe. Really have a lot of items, some of which were impulse purchase. It's either worn once and never worn again or incorrect sizes bought online. And I'd never touch my accessories anymore such as necklaces, bangles, bracelets. Although I don't have a lot of readership, but I'll just try to put up a 'wardrobe clearance' and see if anyone would be interested anything. Do look out for that!

I damn love chilling around. Who doesn't!

Number of First Times

2011-10-27T13:57:00.001+08:00

I know I know. Too many negative entries or entries without pictures. What to do with my current sad life? But it's all going to end really soon as tomorrow marks the last day of my present job. I know, it's not long cos it has only been 6 months. But it has been quite a fulfilling (though some parts quite depressing) one in the sense that it's my first real taste at a fast paced design studio/agency/house for print production.

A lot of first times here which I wanted to record down.

1. First real taste at a real design agency.
Preparing final artwork for print which is entirely different from just creating an artwork.

2. First time using iMac.
I have been a PC person all my life without being able to afford any Mac product at all. Even my first ipod shuffle was a free one and Mr Z got iPhone for me. I still remember on my first day here I posted a status on FB with my iPhone "Die! I don't know how to use a Mac!" and someone commented "Very funny leh, you use iphone post this msg. iphone is Mac liao what!"

3. First time making mock ups.
I have created artworks and cut & fold & paste a lot of items such as paper cups, paper sleeve, pastry boxes, cup holders, calendars, pamphlets, namecards etc.

4. First time having ang moh boss
I clearly didn't expect having an ang moh boss was really different. Not your typical niao & fussy local bosses. This ang moh boss doesn't feel like a boss at all. He was part of the team, managing it, coordinate it as well. Very sarcastic, childishs at time but I guess he knows I'm not like the rest la, so he doesn't show his nonsensical side to me.

5. First time meeting/interacting with damn lots of ang mohs
The last time I remembered interacting with ang mohs was when I was in RDI having ang moh lecturers and working at Synovate helping ang moh biz analysts. But here, every client seemed to be ang mohs. Have to meet them, talk to them, exchange emails etc.

Verdict: I LOVE WORKING WITH ANG MOH CLIENTS! though sometimes a bit hard to understand what they were talking about or what they were saying. Why I like working with them? Cos they're NOT NIAO/FUSSY at all! Ok, not say 'at all'. But most of the time, they understand the fact of 'leave it to the professionals'. They don't mirco-manage the project, insisting things to the slightest details like what typical local clients would do.

6. First time work OT so late & so often
Just 2-3mths into the job, I've a couple of 11pm+ to catch the last train. There was also once even staying to up 230am on a Friday night! Ridiculous la really.

7. First time eating/drinking at Duxton/Clarke Quay
Well, I guess it's due to the boss' interests or simply him being an ang moh, he likes going to places where ang mohs go and we get the luxury to tag along sometimes. Well, not like it's a lot for me. Just perhaps twice. Got to try some 'spanish/brazilian' food for a leaving colleague in Apr (just as when I joined) and the 2nd time will be tomorrow at Clarke Quay - Mongolian food. I can't wait.

-

There are pros & cons leaving this place but I will try not to dwell on it too much. I merely wanted to make a decent living, ok-salary income per month which is not too far off from what my age should get, fixed working hours and not ridiculous OTs that affect my life & well-being.

So there~ I'm looking forward to the two-week break.

Bye bye Tanjong Pagar/Outram. Hello NTU/NIE/Boon Lay soon.

Life is Meaningless

2011-10-19T12:57:00.001+08:00

If you ask me how do I view my life now, it is really meaningless. But then again, life is indeed meaningless....

You were born against your will. You come to the world for a period of time and when your lifetime ends, you just leave the world quietly alone just as you come quietly alone.

You cry the first second you were born and when you're growing up as a child. You cry all the way in life whenever you stumble & fall & fail until when you know that eventually your time on earth is up and you go/leave.

Life is sad cos you don't get what you want all of the time, you never ever get it no matter how much you want it. It's too hard to earn or achieve it. Seriously, just give up.

I have no hope, no dreams, no goals, at least not now and I don't bear to cos they never materialise or happen. Or maybe they have but I was probably too afraid to too dumb or too weak to persevere or endure it.

***

Was reading Adeline's blog and came across this entry where she read from someone else's blog. It applies to anyone & everyone and especially for me in this low period of time

"30 Truths I'd Learnt in 30 Years"

Since today is my 30th birthday I thought it fitting to share 30 things I understand now that were complete mysteries to me just a few short years ago. These are simple lessons about life in general that I picked up while traveling, living in different cities, working for different companies (and myself), and meeting remarkable and unusual people everywhere in between.

1. There comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up. It’s realizing you don’t need certain people and things and the drama they bring.

Yes, I am tired, really. Yes, there are so many drama that is happening so frequently to the extend I'm not sure if I'm able take it anymore.

2. If a person wants to be a part of your life they will make an obvious effort to do so. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.

Isn't it the same if I WANT to be part of someone's life, I WILL have to make an obvious effort to do so?

3. If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down – which is not always as obvious and easy as it sounds.

Flying does sound scary actually, trying to balance the tail & the wings for a smooth lift. It's the same analogy as with learning to ride a bicycle and falling down if you're unable to balance and somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad even if there aren't any baggage weighing you down.

4. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.

I don't think there's any situation that allows anyone to make something wrong. People expect you to know & do everything right the first time round, be it at work or relationships with people. Everybody's expected to be gods, saints, magicians etc. -.-

5. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You don’t fail by falling down. You fail by never getting back up. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.

Second part to the flying/riding bike analogy, I don't think people are able to forget pain as easily as it sounds. There are always fear of getting hurt 2nd time, 3rd time etc. Oh, so must be in pain until numb until it doesn't matter cos pain is nothing anymore?

6. When you get to know people with different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, you begin to realize that everyone basically wants the same things. They want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment and hopes for a better future. The way they pursue these desires is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same. You can relate to almost everyone everywhere if you look past the superficial facades that divide us.

7. The more things you own, the more your things own you. Less truly gives you more freedom.

I guess this is one thing I'm proud off. I don't have a lot of possessions cos what I have keep disappearing anyone. Either I don't take care of it very well, or it will eventually leave me = not meant to be.

8. While you’re busy looking for the perfect person, you’ll probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy. This is as true for friendships as it is for intimate relationships. Finding a companion or a friend isn’t about trying to transform yourself into the perfect image of what you think they want. It’s about being exactly who you are and then finding someone who appreciates that.

I miss being 'perfectly happy' :( I haven't been happy for the longest time due to obvious reasons. I find that "It’s about being exactly who you are and then finding someone who appreciates that." isn't true or applicable. Imagine you're a crazy wacko person in real life, you can't possibly be "exactly who you are" in front of anyone isn't it? So many you find stumble along ANOTHER crazy wacko person, it is perfect isn't it? But how many many ppl are able to "find someone who appreciate who they are"?

9. Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.

Two individuals once in love and right for each other got married. But how do you describe what's gonna happen several years down the road? I don't think there will be anymore "right person for each other " or "truly happy".

10. Making a thousand friends is not a miracle. A miracle is making one friend who will stand by your side when thousands are against you.

Thank you, Shan, for all these years.

11. Someone will always be better looking. Someone will always be smarter. Someone will always be more charismatic. But they will never be you – with your exact ideas, knowledge and skills.

Funny! People always want to be better looking & smarter and BECAUSE there ARE smarter & better looking ppl, your flaws are magnified and when you lack in the looks or brain department, ppl will deem you're ugly/stupid or incompetent. Somebody better would set a benchmark and ppl are always searching for something/someone better to match the standard. If you can't meet it, then how?

12. Making progress involves risk. Period. You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

I of cos don't mind risks but somehow the ppl I'm (working) with doesn't understand this. How is it going to make any collaboration work?

13. Every morning you are faced with two choices: You can aimlessly stumble through the day not knowing what’s going to happen and simply react to events at a moment’s notice, or you can go through the day directing your own life and making your own decisions and destiny.

Sigh.... Tell me about it.

14. Everyone makes mistakes. If you can’t forgive others, don’t expect others to forgive you. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

I did a lot of dumb things to a lot of ppl. I pissed a lot of ppl off. I don't expect them to forgive me. Even if they decided to let go, I won't get to know neither will they let me know. Even if all of these ppl don't ever forgive me, there's nothing much I can do except to move on seriously...

15. It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Recently, I find smiling hard....

16. We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset. A lot of heartache can be avoided if you learn to control your emotions.

17. Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right. There are many roads to what’s right. You cannot judge others by your own past. They are living a different life than you. What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better. You have to allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.

I allow people to make their own mistakes, would people do that the same to/for me?

18. Nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect. Nobody has it easy. You never know what people are going through. Every one of us has issues. So don’t belittle yourself or anyone else. Everybody is fighting their own unique war.

Sigh.... It's tiring fight a war everyday and ALONE.

19. A smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy. Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.

20. The happiest people I know keep an open mind to new ideas and ventures, use their leisure time as a means of mental development, and love good music, good books, good pictures, good company and good conversation. And oftentimes they are also the cause of happiness in others – me in particular.

21. You can’t take things too personally. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them.

A bully bulling someone smaller/younger in school cos why? 他们看你不爽 what! You're an eyesore, so they're trying to rid of something disturbing to them. The same applies to someone who finds you a threat as well.

22. Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling. You can hold on to past mistakes or you can create your own happiness. A smile is a choice, not a miracle. True happiness comes from within. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy.

I'm more like waiting for something NOT to happen and everything else would be good, would be almost perfect.

23. It’s much harder to change the length of your life than it is to change the depth of it.

24. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

25. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.

Should I just, for once, stop what I have been doing?

26. One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.

And just be the way I am/have been doing? I know it sounds ironic.

27. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.

:) the only point that makes me happy reading it.

28. Anyone can make a difference. Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.

I hope I did make or some impact in someone's, anyone's life though.

29. Everything is a life lesson. Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting. And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.

30. Regardless of how filthy your past has been, your future is still spotless. Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every day is a fresh start. Each day is a new beginning. Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life.

You know what? I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO FUCKING BELIEVE that everyday is a new day, new beginning, new start. How to make anyone believe MY FUTURE is spotless when all ppl dwell about is my filthy past?

There are so many points I can related to.

Yes. I am a bitter bitch.

Back to sulking......

A Reason To Smile

2011-10-05T13:34:00.001+08:00

It has been a while since I started smiling from the heart or have anything to look forward to.

I wonder why it took me so long to do that since right from the start I wasn't really THAT SURE of it. But I still eventually went ahead with it cos it will be an experience to know what it's like to be in a real design agency/studio with ang moh bosses and working with ang moh creative directors as well as coordinating with ang moh clients.

However, that area of design isn't my forte, something that I'd realised when I started my probation. Of course another issue was the salary. As a fellow colleague, whom I'd gotten to know in this company, who also left said, "I didn't study for a degree to get a job with less than 2k salary." I second to that.

I have been struggling with the job/work, people, environment and most importantly, the unstable working hours almost everyday. Of cos, not that I had an issue working late/OT but have to justify with benefits & remuneration which there isn't any. Had to sacrifice running/jogging, late dinners, cancelled plans with friends which seriously was affecting well-being and I turned into a grouchy, depressed, soul-less person who wasn't able to see the good/positive in things anymore.

Just last Monday when I met up with Milo and Shan asked about my NIE interview, I said I rejected it. Well, actually truth it I didn't actually reject it but I explained my 2-month termination of notice and I thought they might not be ok with it cos I was thinking they may be other candidates waiting in line? But on Thursday, I have received their letter of offer by POST. So I haven't actually entirely missed it. I read the sibei long contract and jumped at the sight of the benefits and the stability. What was I waiting for? I decided to take it and prepare a resignation letter.

After I submitted the letter on Sunday night, I felt a huge weight off my chest. When I arrived at work first thing in the morning on Monday yesterday, one of my bosses S talked to me and said he was shocked. If I had the intention to resign, why did I accept the employment letter they offered in the first place, when I had requested for my salary to be reviewed as I wasn't satisfied with the figure after my 3 months probation? I told him perhaps I don't have enough passion as a designer to be able to accept the irregular working hours but he's like, "You do know you applied for a graphic designer position job right?" I said, "Right, precisely. So over time, it turns out that perhaps being a isn't suitable for me."

Not exactly a best conversation. I understand I caused them a lot of inconvenience as they had initially wanted to set up a digital/interactive department and they had hope I'd lead the team. Like ??? I barely have enough experience myself, how can I do this?

But initially, I wanted to give myself a try. If I'm not able to pull this through, how could I survive anywhere? But this had affect my well-being so much. As it turns out, perhaps I really am not suitable for this job of industry with such irregular working hours. But I feel a lot better now, relieved actually, knowing that I can leave here soon?

I felt good now. I should have done this earlier, really. I'm always not honest to myself, putting myself though forced situations, trying to convince myself that it's ok or I can do it. I always wanted to please everyone but it didn't get to my head that it's not possible.

At the end of yesterday, the other boss R came and talk to me and said he understand where I'm coming from. It's all about the fit. To be honest, out of the 2 bosses, I have better communication with R. R was the one who interviewed me and recruited me. Along the way, I've also helped with R's projects and I'd been to meetings with R. He's a people-person, and I admire the fact that he's got such ability at talking about different kinds of topic, he's philosophical but at times acting idiotic & childish but he doesn't show that side often to me like he show to other. He could tell I'm no-nonsense at work whereas the rest of the colleagues seemed to be ok with his sarcasm humour - something which he could tell I'm not too comfortable with that's why he didn't bug me with those.

We had a little chat again today and he said after discussion with S and the other designers, they're agreeable to let my last day be Oct 28. Initially I had applied leave for Oct 31, that was my last entitled leave. Well, all's good now. I see them hiring new ppl as well, I guess it's all good for them as well.

Hopefully things all fall into place nicely for everyone and it will be a brand new start for me. I will inform NIE that I will start in mid-Nov, taking some time off to do things I'd been wanting to do such as:

running & swimming,
clearing wardrobe/bills,
plan finances/expenses,
shopping for new clothes/shoes/bag - I haven't shopped in a long long time and it'll be my first time being an OL,
practice the softwares required for this new job position,
catch up on my blog,
spend more time with my family & friends.

Have a couple of weddings to attend next week and it'll be my Scorpion King's birthday end of this month. Yes, so many things to look forward to now!

From now, I'll just follow my heart. Being honest to yourself brings freedom.
近几年来，总觉得要取悦别人而过得这么不开心。
因为担心害怕，总是考虑很多问题，
然后一直勉强自己，导致连我自己都不像自己了。

After a fellow colleague gotten the news I am leaving, she also feels like she couldn't take it. Really very poor thing of her to stay back everyday till 10 or 11. Seriously, how can anyone be able to work 12 hours DAILY? The employers all need to tekan all your staffs like that or not?

I still can't believe the fact that, I joined this company in Apr together with 4 other colleagues. 2 left in July after their probation (One became a Lasalle lecturer, the other is with Move Media now). 1 left in Aug (She is now in an MNC and drawing at least 1k more). I'm leaving end of this month (for a place that hopefully has more fixed working hours), leaving that poor colleague who OT everyday wondering if she should leave too. Oh well...

Creative industries are really for passion & interests in order to be able to sustain, otherwise don't do it. That's how to differentiate who can do it and who can't. 要存钱养家养孩子，I think really cannot do it. Really no security.

Let's hope being in NIE will work it out. Aja FIGHTING!

Brown Curly Hair

2011-09-26T15:02:00.002+08:00

Feathers.

Percussion.

Drums.

Salsa moves.

Samba music playing in the background.

Attractive ladies with their head gear, custom-made bikinis dancing & singing on the platform of the beautiful floats parading down the aisle.

Tourists cheering and holding their cameras up, snapping the event which only happened once a year.

In the midst of a joyous occasion & celebration, we see a girl in her late teens, with short messy brown hair and tattered dirty white dress, running along the crowd in one of the historical cities where the Carnival of Brazil is held.

Please, it's my only chance. If I don't escape now, there will be no more chance, she thought.

She kept looking over her shoulders, to see if she was being followed by anyone she knew. She seemed to be running from someone, someone she was very afraid of.

Tourists all joined in the performers and trotted down the aisle all together, forming several "human snake". Random stranger holding the shoulders of one another, dancing to the beat & swaying to the music as the "human snake" was formed longer & longer...

As the music got louder, we see a few mysterious hands pickpocketing from tourists.

A lady was shouting for help as her bag got snatched but her shouts were drowned by the deafening music. But the girl saw that and scooted off from the "human snake" and ran a few more metres ahead and joined the another part of the "human snake".

She felt a pair of warm hand on her tiny shoulders. Although she couldn't see clearly who the person was behind but it waas a tall figure and that made her felt safe for a tiny moment, knowing she couldn't be seen by who was trying to capture her. She heard the figure behind her talking in some Scandinavian language that she couldn't understand to someone else.

Just a bit more and I'm free, she thought as she was anticipating the crowed to go pass one of the alley where a construction site was that she could escape to.

She steered off and continued to walk through the human crowd that were scattered all over the city, not realising the tall tourist was following behind her, so are his friends who were behind him.

"Hey! You're going the wrong way." The tall tourist called out behind her.

But she just continued to move forward hurriedly. Any hesitation of looking back might dash her plans from leaving this horrible place. But she felt bad and apologised, "I'm sorry. Please go back to the main crowd after the corner." She couldn't see the guy anymore as people intercepted between. Running away is utmost priority for her at this instant.

You'd think the group of tourists would head back after the corner? The confused tall tourist went after the direction the girl was heading....

"Lasse! Where are you going?" His mates called out. "Come back here!"
"You guys go ahead, I'll call you!" The tall, brown curly haired lad replied.

The girl was heading towards a construction site, side-stepping drinkers, smokers in her way. She hid & sneaks behind walls, pillars, columns... checking for clearance as she frantically tried to find the way to the next town/city away from all these horrid environment she has been living for the past 10 years.

As it turned out, when the girl ran off, Lasse noticed blood on his hands. He checked, there were no cuts on his fingers or palm. It was the girl, she was bleeding.

He looked for signs for her, how could she have disappeared so fast? He traced the blood trails. And it brought him to an abandoned construction site. There were homeless people with makeshift sleeping area. There are drug addicts on high by the corner.

He suddenly caught sight of the familiar back view he was seeing just now... "Hey!" he called out, hoping she'd respond. But there was none. He went in further as he felt the girl hiding away further...

"I meant no harm," Lasse explained to make himself clear, "Are you alright? I think you got hurt?" While saying, he was flipping some dyed cloth there was left to dry.

While he was walking while searching, he didn't notice a pole right below eye level and smack right at it. The cloth-stand in front of him fell and the girl was revealed right there. She retreated a few steps.

It was the first time they saw each others' faces. Clearly, she has been through a lot and there was fear & insecurity in her eyes. He was taken aback by her intense look.

His name is Lasse Eisenberg, from Norway. Tall, natural curly brown hair, 25 year-old entrepreneur touring the country with his elite cousins & his billionaire grandfather.

Her name is Isabela. She was involved in a horrific train crash 10 years ago when she was a little girl. It took the lives of her parents, leaving her orphaned. She went in a coma and when she woke up, she found herself being part of a syndicate, conning & stealing from tourists. She lived in slumps and ate slump food for the past 10 years...

"Are you hiding from someone?" Lasse asked while still at a distance cos she seem afraid and he didn't want to intrude.

She spoke softly, "I need to run away. I need to escape from here. They will not let me off."

"Did they hit you? Beat you?" Lasse held up his palms and showed her, "See, I got this from your shoulders. Are you hurt?"

His heart twisted when he saw the scars & wounds on her arms and neck, probably more on her back.

"It's ok." Lasse said, "Come here, I'll get you out of here."

"Really?" Isabela murmured. "You're really going to get me out of here?" She was inching forward but she could barely stood on her feet as the pain on her shoulder was too overwhelming and all she could see were black...

To be continued...

***

Sound drama but it came right out of my dream. It's amazing how my dreams always take me to places I'd never been to and are always so vivid, the location, pictures, colour, voices, distance etc...

I always feel like inception when I dream. I could create everything subconsciously?

This Can't Go On

2011-09-19T23:03:00.001+08:00

It's high time I should be putting a stop to it.

Life has been going downhill for me and I have been so depressed & unhappy with my mistakes I made/committed, setbacks & failures that I'd stumbled & experienced that it totally consumes me, my life. I either live in regret or feel like I'm paying my sin, living in retribution that I really find no meaning in life... I lost a a sense of direction and I'd no idea what to do about it.

I always feel like a loser, unable to live up to anybody's expectation. I always feel I can't achieve it, I always give up on things too easily.

I want to have dreams but I'd already forgotten what it's like to dream....

I feel like I'm always disappointing ppl I love, especially my parents. I always feel like a lousy daughter/sister/girlfriend, cos I'm still having job/career crisis and unable to earn a decent amount of salary like other 28 year-olds.

I don't bear to buy any new clothings or stuff cos I feel I'll look shitty in it and end up wasting the money. I don't even need to talk about the struggles of being a big/plus-size woman.

I can't seem to blend with ppl, be it once good friends or current colleagues. With colleagues, I don't understand the "Westernised/British culture". I just want to sit at my desk do my own things without having to be obliged to 'join in for lunch'. With once close friends, ok face it... we no longer sing, we no longer practice music and we're all not interested in one anothers' lives. We don't keep in touch often, what's the point?

Ok, maybe it's me again, I'm retracting/retreating back to 'my shell', thinking I'm an alien or I think that ppl think I'm an alien, abnormal, weirdo. I am having 'voices' in my head these days that tell me I'm stupid & ugly....

Am I too warped already?

There are so many things I miss, a few ppl I miss and some activities I really miss doing and some places I miss going & hanging out with like-minded ppl who were once in my life but no longer part of my memory.

I don't know what am I doing everyday anymore with no purpose & no direction....

I don't know where did my self-esteem or confidence go to. I can't find it back anymore. I keep doubting myself all the time, wondering if I can pull this off... maybe it's me? I'm not working hard enough to achieve 'anything', let alone 'something'? Why is this happening to me?

Every posts, tweets, fb status are depressing and affecting friends who are reading, including this blog post.

I need help & guidance to get my life back....

Disadvantage of having a SUPER HUGE BOTTOM

2011-09-07T14:10:00.001+08:00

This has been bothering me for a few years but it wasn't such a huge problem until recently and it has been making me rather depressed.

I know I don't have a 'typical size' and I keep harping on the fact that I had grown so huge that I can't even fit into 'free size' anymore. That doesn't make me fond of shopping cos I usually can't find my size in typical OL stores :( and it's embarrassing asking for an XL and having the shop assistant telling me "sorry, we only have L" or choosing what seem to be XL but end up can't fit when I try it out in the fitting room.

I used to think, ok, don't have my size at stores never mind. Just make do with my one & only few pants/jeans/tights/leggings will do. But, recently things has been taken to a hmm... sadder level? :(

1. Cannot fit in mrt/bus seat
I didn't realised my butt became so huge that I no longer able to fit in an mrt seat. Even as I'm on the seat, but my butt will be touching other ppl's butts. Maybe they have huge butts too that's why everyone's butt is touching everyone's butt. But it's not a nice journey even though I may have gotten a seat. :(

2. Cannot fit toilet bowl properly
My butt's so huge I don't even need to put down the toilet seat! :( With the toilet seat cover, my butt would overflow OUTSIDE the toilet bowl... even though nobody can see but it's still embarrassing to know that la...

3. (see pictures)
Before I reveal, take a look at the following pictures:

What do they have in common?

Due to space constrain, most restaurants have seating arrangement such that the tables are in one long row against the wall with mounted seats to save on budget for getting chairs as the seats can be integrated into the design.

是啦，很美。没有错！非常高格调。

But can the distance between the tables be bigger? How you expect big-size ppl to squeeze through the tiny gap separating the tables? I always have the risk of my butt knocking against the utensils or ppl's cups :( Then I gave up and always take the seats outside cos I don't want to squeeze inside.

Why can't restaurant designs be this?

More privacy that way also. You won't get to hear what ppl are talking beside you also -.-

Ya la 3. Cannot squeeze through gap between the tables in restaurants/cafes

4. Cannot squeeze in cars

By right there can only accomodate 3 seats at the back of the car right? Even squeeze into 3 I also cannot liao. That's how fat I have become. :(

This is very serious liao. What is happening man! Before long I think the chair I'm sitting also cannot accomodate my butt/weight liao. HOW!!!!!

The Choices One Could Make

2011-09-05T22:09:00.003+08:00

If a person's life is determined by the choices he/she made, I must have made a lot of wrong choices. Or that somehow, choices/chances appeared all at the wrong timing, either I'm not prepared/ready or I'm not fated.

How 'think carefully' can one 'think carefully' get? I thought I was certain about things but end up, it can get rather blur & confusing. I thought I would like what I'd chosen but it may prove to be a wrong move and I end up getting sian or pissed with it. -.- how contradicting can one get?

In continuation with my previous entry on my life/job crisis, I went to another interview and I was intended for hire. I thought I was happy about finally having the opportunity to go to a big ocean for more exposure but it had caused me great distress.

Long story short, the current co. adjusted my 'confirmed salary' a little higher and I decided to take it on considering that I have more or less settled here and by hanging it till end of the year, I'd get a company trip + some sort of bonus. So, I thought since I'd be receiving the same amt in that company I might as well stay on for a little more benefit. In that company, I'd have to be doing sales/client servicing a lot more than what I'm doing now too. So I rejected that company 'due to personal reasons'. Then I have to risk being 'blacklisted' by them should I one day leave my present company. -.-

And then just when I had decided to continue with with my present company for a while, a previous application from a govt sector 却找上我.

It was a call from the Media Dept asking for my availability for the interview. Told her I am currently still employed, would need to apply leave for this. But she was saying, "Later the HR will call you and arrange another day with you." I'm like, "Does that mean I need to apply leave for 2 days for this interview?" Then she asked if I know Google Sketchup because "it will help them determine if I'm a suitable candidate" I told her I don't know about this software. My strength is Adobe softwares. Then she said "If you know 3D max then this shouldn't be too hard for you. There are tutorials you can follow." SMLJ is this? So I'm supposed to know this software for the job is it? Then lao niang don't have time to pick up/learn in time for this interview, show you what sai? If you need someone who already know this, then why was I chosen to attend this interview in the first place?

Later, I'd gotten a call from HR who informed me about the procedure about this FORMAL OFFICIAL Interview. The one with Media dept would just be an informal one. Then she gave me a timing, bu san bu si 1.45pm. So which leave am I suppose to take? Morning 930-130 or afternoon 230-630? If I take morning then I wont be able to make it on time for it. If I take afternoon then I will reach office late. But cos it's govt sector, there was no room for negotiation. I LL.

Fated. My leave for that day wasn't granted as it was Hari Raya week and 2 out of 4 designers are Muslim and if I am away too, that 1 designer left wouldn't be able to handle the workload. I had already expected and going through all the trouble for this GOVT sect interview makes me duper sian. So I inform the HR that I wouldn't be able to attend. She still come and say, "Are you really sure about this? It means you would be missing your chance for this interview." Kao! Which part of "UNABLE TO ATTEND" you don't understand?

So I thought everything was settled, I could get on with my usual boring/uninteresting job. But I received a call again from the HR lady asking me if I could make it again. She specifically said, "We have decided to arrange another interview session for you. Hopefully you are able to make it this time." KNN~ Say until like that, of cos I have to obliged to go, isn't it? -.- So ok, go and have a look at myself how going through interview for govt sector is like.

Then I'd gotten a call from the Media Dept lady again saying the informal interview has to be an hour before the formal interview. In the end, the HR email me and said the official timing for the formal interview is 8.45am. Meaning the informal interview is 7.45am is it? Got start work so TMD early boh? CCB. ok i am assuming everything will be done around 10ish so I could go to work straight, just need to inform my boss that I will be an hour or two late. Don't even need to waste my leave for this also...

I know this isn't the right attitude for any interview at all. So I wont bear too much hopes for it either since:

I am not going to pick up that new software cos I simply do not have time to learn within a few days. Whatever I produce just for the interview will be a crappy one anyway.
Going through the hassle & time just for this wont guarantee a job placement anyway = bo hua. if today I am a jobless person, it would have been a different story. But I am unfortunately not as wu eng as they would have expected.

I have managed this before, managing my life is a struggle. Managing my weight is a even more difficult task than managing my life..... the scales still doesn't give me a good number cos I haven't been running consistently again with the raiiiiinnnnnn..... and I haven't been eating properly as well.

ZDSFGP!!!!!!!!!!!

that's zhen de shi fang gou pi~

Recent Interview Experiences

2011-08-18T14:14:00.001+08:00

Felt the need to scream but I'm not able to do it verbally :(

In a short span of one week, I'd been to 2 interviews.

The reason why I'm seeking 'better opportunities' can be summarized into:

Higher salary cos what I'm currently drawing now is totally unacceptable. But being employed STILL beats being jobless ANYTIME.
I want to be in digital/online environment, print is ok but not as primary biz nature
I have been in small ponds and really want to see more in big oceans to learn more from experienced seniors

I would have love to continue my jobs in my previous company if:

the first one had not ended its biz. Who would hate a traveling job even if it's not relevant?
the boss of 2nd one had not owe my salary
If I'm NOT JUST the only designer

The job scopes with regards to what web was about was really what I am looking for, just that because they are start ups, so there weren't a lot of projects to work with/on. Some more they are unstable. One thing was sian was that I'm the ONLY designer doing what I was doing and nobody else have better opinions to comment, that's why I felt stuck.

I don't particularly hate my current job except I don't have enough digital/online stuff to work with and have to do print stuff - something although I don't mind doing but also something I don't really enjoy doing. It totally kills the mind when you are not able to do the things you want to do THAN doing something you don't like to do.

Having said that, despite ALREADY bringing the above problems to my current bosses - things are currently still on hold as both of them are extremely busy. One is in overseas and one is always in & out of office. I was told to continue the conversation when both of them are back in office TOGETHER.

I was disappointed with the then/current outcome since mid/end July and had since then been looking out for possible new positions. I made sure these positions are what I'm looking at and of cos at the same time meet their requirements.

After sending out like 10ish resumes, I was shortlisted to go for 2 interviews of 2 very different companies.

First one, it was situated at quite an ulu place and took me a while to find it. I was a bit worried at first if this will be my future work place. Later when I opened the door and went through the office, I was actually a bit stun. It was only a small office with a small space with a huge table + 2 rooms. I see 3 ppl inside. One lady & one guy in each of the room & another guy was doing his work on the huge table. The guy from the room came out & greeted me with a smiley face. I assume he's the boss.

We sat in his room and I begin to ask about what was required for this job scope. He seems like friendly & chatty guy in his mid/late 30s? He beginning to explain how the company was start up and what the company had been doing. He showed me some works which they have done since 2008 and my main priority is to update the portfolio. They have in-house stuff and client servicing stuff which is the main priority.

I showed him my portfolio and ran through what my roles were in the previous 2 start up companies. What this company is doing is exactly like what my previous company is doing so I am quite confident of taking up this role. The guy outside is actually the programmer. So the boss mentioned this position will be working closely with that programmer.

It was such a comfortable chat/discussion that it was hardly even an interview. We were comfortable with each other's terms/roles, he was willing to give my expected salary. I know what this role is expected cos I'd been in it before. Just whether I was willing to going through being with a start-up for the 3rd time and that happens to be my concern.

If the next few mths, the company also CMI then I'd be thrown into the same situation ALL OVER AGAIN. Am I going to risk that? Although I kinda mind that I'm the only designer but somehow I feel a sense of confidence that I am able to do this, I am able to pull this off.

Just yesterday, the boss replied that they'll take the other candidate who's a web designer/developer as he may be able to assist the programmer to get the structure/system going first. When they're more or less settled in the next 2-4mths, he'll want to hire a creative personnel like myself if I'm still available.

:( This one gone liao lor.... the boss really did seem like a nice person to work for/with though I'm not sure about the others since I only interacted with him during the interview.

AND NOW! I was actually just back from my second interview! I am so mad that I want to scream!!!!!

This was an established company since 1980s in print. But they have been doing interactive since 2003. I had some difficulty finding the place and called up my interviewer for directions. I met her at the doorstep. She seemed unfriendly. But ok, maybe she was busy and I happen to interrupt whatever important things she was doing so her face looked pissed. But nevertheless, I said, "Hi, nice to see you" with a smiley face. But she just replied "Hi" with a bin chao chao face, without even looking at me.

She brought me to an area, within an open office concept with few other staffs just few feet away doing their work. When I was about to sit down, she saw that a folder (obviously containing my resume + qualification certs) was all I had and then she said, without looking at me AGAIN, "You didn't bring your print outs?"

I replied, "Oh, I have an online portfolio." She give the 'tsk' sound and said, "Give me a while to get my laptop." And then she disappeared. I was left figuring if whether I applied for the correct position? How come I need to have print outs? Am I not going to be doing web/online stuff?

So she came back with a laptop and sat down while starting up. I just continued to sit there since there was no mutual cue for me to begin saying anything? Then that lady actually said, while NOT LOOKING AT ME AGAIN, "Why don't you start telling me about yourself instead of just sitting there and starring at me?"

That was the first off-moment. In the first place, I wasn't even starring AT HER! I was just looking IN FRONT of me. SMLJ? And there was no cue to talk, I was being polite and waited her to speak first or to sort of like give a sign of permission for me to start instead of being like a boh ga si person and start rattling on without even sure if she's even listening since she doesn't look at me AT ALL?

But as soon as she asked that question and I was about to get ready to talk, she butt in with questions & statements like,
"When did you grad?"
"I will show you some websites, can you do it?"
"If you look at this website, how will you go about to start working on it?"
"Have you ever build a website yourself before?"
"I wont expect you to do the backend things but I expect you to understand and able to produce basic HTML, CSS, Java websites."
"My designers may not know programming but they self-learn themselves and came up with these simple website, if you can't even do it then let's not waste time."

I told her I definitely am confident to do a web userinterface design and I also admit that I am not well-versed in Java at all, I have never done/touched Java before. There was a website that was created with Java and I told her, "If it's in Flash, I can do it."

But she's like, "I know a lot of you designers like to do the dynamic in Flash but mobile phone doesn't support Flash website so we need the designers to know Java. We can't have the programmers to spoon feed designers with even simple coding like that." Then she added, "In an ideal world, it will be good to have programmers as designers vice versa, but in a real world you can't have everything. You just need to know as much & as many skills as you possibly can."

From there I know I can't do it. She's expecting somebody who ALREADY knows how to do it. I have never done those kind of website she has showed me before. If I'm given the brief to work on something like that, I'd have to research the tutorials myself and work on it. I barely have the chance to say anything, she was the one who keeps talking.

She said, "The reason why you're here is because you said all the while you'd been in small companies so it might be worth giving you this chance. But if these simple websites you also can't do, then what have you been doing all these years?"

Lao niang may not be some award-winning web designer but who are u to say it's EASY & SIMPLE to build websites? She sounds like the B back when I was in SpecHut. She said I don't look confident and keep asking what have I been doing. HELLO! U THINK MULTIMEDIA IS ONLY WEB WEB WEB ONLY IS IT? I do print, I do video, I basically do everything, just did not have the opportunity to be specialised ONLY IN TMD WEB!

It was a quick/rushed interview cos I believe she thinks everything is a waste of time cos I have mentioned I'd never done those things she'd showed me. But very politely & professionally, I still thank her for her time with my usual smiley face although I was already boiling inside. She even ended with, "I will only give opportunities to ppl who want it. Let me know if you're confident enough to take up the challenge by Monday."

I told her flatly with my smiley face, "I will be able to give you an answer by the end of today. Pleasure to meet you. Thanks for your time."

You think only YOU waste your time. It's waste of MY TIME also ok. You can't even LOOK AT PPL when you talk and sound so mother fucking rude THE WHOLE fucking time. I was being polite in trying to engage a normal, professional conversation but you show your cb attitude. Even if I may or may not be a potential candidate/employee, you need to be so cb anot? Real world.... LJ LA! Ppl you meet first time, you will possibly be so rude to? Real world, my ass.

That goes to show, not every person in the CORPORATE world are polite/friendly ppl.

When I Was Younger... When I Am Now Older

2011-08-15T12:35:00.003+08:00

When you're younger, friendship means A LOT to you. You treated every friend preciously. A failed relationship with a friend would affect you A HELL LOT.

When you're older, you realised your time with friends get lesser and you just want to spent your limited time with limited/selective friends, 那些离开你或是你离开的人，就让他们离开吧

When you're younger, you have time for EVERYTHING - friends, games, dramas, shopping online & offline, school, fun, parties.

When you're older, you don't even have any time to do the simplest things you want to do - like exercise, chores, dating. You need to save money, plan your investments/expenditure, pay bills & more bills and you realise everything is so expensive & unaffordable & limited...

When you're younger, you can eat & play all you want with limited sleep, or no sleep at all. You're always active and wont put on weight no matter how much you eat and able to lose the weight very fast again.

When you're older, as metabolism rate slows down, you can't eat as much as you used to and gain weight easily. You're always sitting down long hours at work and utilizing brain cells or facing other ppl, you end up being always tired and could use any rest you can.

哎～我已经不是年轻靓妹了。
我的青春光辉已经过去了。。。。。

-

I have been extremely busy ever since I started a 'real fast-paced design agency' job since Apr. I barely have time for myself or anything at all and... I didn't like it at all. But recently, I'd been taking real action to get where I want to be.

Let's just say that I really am forced to 'grow & mature' within a short period of time struggling with a lot of issue - mainly own internal conflicts as well as growing accustomed to getting along with ppl. I always have issues trying to put down a lot of my so-called values/principles/opinions. I always see it as 放下身段来取悦别人 and I really didn't like it at all. But really... 身在江湖真的身不由己, just have to keep eating the humble pie.

I used to 介意 a lot of things but nowadays, I just have no time to entertain my own insecurities & negativity anymore. Time just pass so fast each day, everyday. There's no time to brood about insignificant issue when there are so many goals & things to complete in front of me each day.

If you ask me, I really do wish I have some me-time for myself to do what I want to do: to sing ktv, to blog about my overseas experiences, to keep in touch with friends I used to hang out so much with, to jog & swim regularly to keep in shape & fit. These are the simplest pleasures which I currently am after that I don't even have the luxury & physical energy to do. And I don't even have time to be sad over this too... how sad is that. I really don't want to be a victim of the rat race but I do not want to earn only 2K and below only... I give my time up in exchange of a price/salary that doesn't even justify, that is why I find it hard to balance =(

On a happier note, I have an interview later. Sent out so many resumes, only one company responses. The boss did reveal that it's a start up and he has read my resume that I'd been through 2 failed startups and he requested to meet and have a chat to see I ready to accept a 3rd start up....

找份适合的工作真的有这么难如登天吗？

a web/digital/interactive/online environment job that operates Mon-Fri during office hours and allows me to get off before night falls for a decent amount of salary that justify my age, qualification, experience
a place where I can learn & development creatively, to get relavant industry experiences for future tertiary lecturing in 3-5 years time
a place that I can excel & shine with my expertise and values my skill sets.

就这样而已。真的这么难吗？

以前，现在，以后

2011-08-01T15:51:00.001+08:00

现在
I am so glad that the project which kept me OT almost every night has ended and I could finally take a breather without having the client keeping calling me every 10 minutes or so, how did I even manage to get anything done with her keep calling me leh?

2 weeks ago I had the review with my bosses and told them about dilemma with discontinuing. Although the real & main issue was the salary adjustment but I "brushed" it off with saying I feel I'm not good enough as well as the lack of support from parents to be in the creative/design industry. It's not entirely true but not entirely untrue either. 2.5 years down the road after I had grad from RDI, I'd been through a few companies & freelance jobs, which comprise of a couple unsuccessful start-ups, it's no wonder my parents & I are disheartened by "my choice in design & the lack of stability & security that comes with it."

However, they only told me that I'm a "talented designer that is highly valued by the company". But how come 2k is only what they can offer? So I told them I am actually looking at a higher salary expectation. However, when I look at it in a professional development aspect, I haven't been in touch with web/digital knowledge for quite some time and I fear I may lose touch with it as multimedia is very dynamic & constantly evolving. It's quite a different skill set altogether as compared to print.

Having said that I know I can't choose what type of tasks or duties, hence it's quite a hug conflict for me. I don't deny I do enjoy the job environment there, being with other fun & creative ppl to exchange opinions & suggestions, but it's only limited to print. As much as I wish there are more web/digital project but there aren't a lot of those going on or programmers or other web/digital designers to work with. Looking at it in the next 6 months or 1 year, I don't suppose the company's business direction would be open to have a web/interactive department. Ideally, I'd like to grow & learn more aspects of the digital world but there will be limited opportunities to apply those knowledge as/if the business is primarily on print.

The bosses will get back to me again soon and it'll be good for me to, again, better evaluate the situation/decision to stay or go.

I will be taking these few 'early releases' from knock off time to update my resume & portfolio again. Hopefully in time to come, I'd be able to REALLY find a place of my calling....
-

以前

Was just discussing with Huishan about both our lives.

Ended up, she endured the lonely life in Shinjo so long of her dream to work in Yokohama but that dream only lasted for a while. :P but there is something better! She got herself a... erhem Husband! :X

We're all extremely happy to see her finally blissfully in love. Such an ou xiang ju life lor! And the most drama part is that it took a world-shocking major disaster for her to find her TRUE destiny! LOL!! Hello, not just you find unbelievable lor. We find it EVEN more unbelievable lor! She's destined to be a loving daughter/wife la!

I'm not so noble to bear that responsibility. To be honest, I still bear the tiny dream to create an impact in some ways in the creative/design industry but perhaps it's not my time yet I guess?

A long time ago, I would have thought it was music. But I gave that up and never look back. I try not to regret wasting those time chasing an impossible dream in music/singing/performing. But well, at least I'd "been there, done that" but it's a chapter I wish I could close it and never open again.

I still get the creeps when ppl mention about "superband" -.- I don't like it when a long time no see friend would ask me "still singing or not, superstar?" or something along the line... tmd

I don't even dare to share with anyone about this 'music' part of my life cos I believe anyone would find it hard to believe to believe anyone would think 'becoming a singer in Singapore' is a sane person.

-

以后

What's needs to be done now for 'future' is....

create a zai portfolio/profile at Behance ProSite
fine/secure a not-bad paying stable job, I am open to positions other than design
if it's design, it's good. If it's not, I hope it's a 9-6 regular job that allows me to work on design part-time or freelance basis.
apply helpful cards like POSB Everyday, CIMB after I secure a stable job
check out HDB related websites and see how/what is applicable
check out wedding-packages: studio, venue and thereafter plan budget/expenses

老爸是有说，不用等到什么都有才结婚。
他是希望我快点嫁人吗？还是在怕我嫁不出去？
Mr Z also never said he choose me >.<

But... it's still him that I want!!! :P

Till the next time~

我要说的话

2011-07-14T00:06:00.001+08:00

28 生日
I turn 28 on July 11! My 21st birthday seemed like it was just yesterday. Many thanks to those who still remembered. It was a simple affair spent at USS with my family & Xiang.

With the foreign influx, it wasn't really enjoyable to be spending too much time outside in town or 'tourist attractions'. It also ain't pleasant to be hearing/listening so many other foreign-sounding accents & languages. Although I am not proud of Singlish but I grew up with it and in recent years, I realised I miss Singlish so much...

人也老了，可是行为还是这么幼稚，心智业要长大才是。
不过我也渐渐发现，忧愁跟不顺利的事真是一摞摞。

迈向第28年的人生，希望接下来的路能够顺利一点，
稳定一点，开心一点，忧愁烦恼少一点，这样就够了。
当然，如果能瘦一点，身材能好一点也不错啦！

-

感情
I am glad things with Xiang improved for the better each day now. He did mention he doesn't love me as much as in the pass, he says he's with me cos of familiarity.

Although I am upset & hurt by his truthfulness but I guess familiarity is also a kind of love ba :) and I should just be glad & be thankful that we're still together.

习惯，熟悉感也算是一钟爱吧.
如果是那样，对我来说，能够永远和他在一起，我也没有其他的要求了。

-

工作
Now that we have decided to settle down, I realised my current income is far too low for any 'future use', yes that including wedding & stuff. All my 财产 is barely more than 15k. Not even enough for anything.

I was just looking at my expenses since beginning of this year. I started doing Chiropractic since January and each month, my total expenses range from 1.5k-2k. Just May & June alone, I spent 1.6k, of which around 800-900 are spent on Chiro. Hello, I earn 1.8k... I don't think I am able to keep up anymore. It's beginning to become a burden. If I don't have to fork out the money for Chiro, my monthly expenses are only around 800+. Each week 200+, each day 30+... make sense right? Bill & transport also already included in it in the 800+.

赚少，只能省吃俭用。
也最好不要有任何病痛。

My 3mth review was recently over and I was extremely disappointed the adjustment was only 2k. I have been stuck with this amount since 2 years ago already. It's extremely sad.

When they confirmed me they were like, "Congrats, we are happy with your performances over the past 3 months and you are now our confirm staff." then the started reading out the terms, "Upon confirming, we are going to adjust your salary from 1.8 to 2k." Then they very lj-ly also said, "I know you've stated your expected salary when you came for interview but we do the salary adjustment progressively and based on performance."

I haven't signed anything yet cos I am thinking of leaving already. But currently having a job is better than none and I will leave if I am able to find something I feel pays better than what I am receiving now. BUT! When I looked back at the previous contract, there was a line for Termination that says something like, "Upon confirmation, a 2-month notice to be given or in lieu of 1-month salary or as the management deem fit."

Supposed if I have signed the 'confirm contract' already and I wanna resign after that, I can either serve notice till Sept or I forfeit my July's salary to be able to leave immediately.

:( sibei sian.....

Come to think of it, it was the same when I went through 2 rounds of interview and went through a design test with them. It took me 1 whole month to wait for their reply, keeping other companies who'd like to offer me jobs on hold. And they said "Congrats, we'd decided to hire you." Then after that then I saw the 1.8k salary offered with NO CPF.... but I was keen about the ang moh environment, how different it will be from a bossy local boss so I rejected other offers and decided to try it out to get some experience/exposure despite the extremely low pay and bearing hope that after becoming confirmed staff, I could get my expected salary.

Nonetheless, having a job now beats having none. But I am bent on leaving and looking out for better paying job. My age doesn't allow me to 'pursue dreams & passion' anymore. I wont say I like or dislike what I'm currently doing in this office/studio, just having issues:

a. salary. Nuff said.

b. ang moh environment. I honestly find it a bit hard to blend into the ang moh culture. I actually don't understand some of their humour/jokes or slangs that they use. Like for eg, my boss like to us "Have a crack at it." At first I didn't get. It took me a while to get it, it means "Go and think about it & try to figure out something."

Sitting through clients' (also fellow ang mohs) meetings can be quite a drag. They like to talk about social issues, traveling, wine & food, relax & leisure, politics & religion... less than half the time would touch on the project brief. But this is their culture/style! As a designer, I am supposed to also execute artworks, I'd rather use the time to do my work seriously. All the eng siew/PR stuff, you go ahead and do it la. I don't know, I just find that it's not productive, although he feels "meeting face-to-face has more personal touch".

In my short span of 4mths, I'd probably seen & interactive more ang mohs than in my entire life before I joined this company. Not a bad thing but still.... culture bo xiang, abit gan kor. They like to blend in work/social(personal) together. After work, they'll still want to meet, to possibly discuss work + personal. But I guess in local mentality is: I am already seeing and communicating with you 9-10 hours a day on weekdays at work, I don't really want to see you during my lunch break nor after work. Ok, maybe it's just MY mentality. Or maybe I'm really closed up to ppl I don't find in common with.

So these are my 2 main issues that is currently very bugging me right now that I figured it wouldn't be wise to stay long-term since I already find that I'm at the stage of 勉强是没有幸福. haiz...

只能继续寻找我要的幸福。
只要薪水能再高一点，放弃自认为的当设计师的想也无所谓吧。

我现在是这么想的。。。

我还是零分

2011-04-24T05:12:00.001+08:00

迈向第28年的岁月，我对人生和人与人之间的沟通相处还是。。。零

一直以来，我从小就不擅长用脑袋（当然这不是借口也不是重点），
所以学校功课自然不是很好，考试测验成绩当然也不理想。
凡是想要做什么事情都是随心所欲的做了在再说，被骂也不管，
很少会考虑后果，或是想到别人，只是很私自的想到自己。
就连自己的父母都会说小自己7岁，9岁的两个妹妹都比我成熟，比我会想。

说到这里，认识我的人都急忙点头，赞成。

最糟糕和最不可原谅的是，这些缺点和毛病，我自己都知道，
却没有积极地做任何改变来让自己 “正常” 一点。

我想有更多朋友，可是我却不易合群。
我想亲近别人，却又会发问太多问题而然别人觉得烦。
我想好声好气，可是却又缺乏耐性。
我虽然很 easily amused, 可是却又 easily offended at the same time.
我很想进步，可是又接受不了别人的批评，更接受不了自己缺点原来这么多。

我很想和每个人好好的相处，
可是却又觉得要迎合每个人的口味/调调要放下身段很委屈了自己。

想来想去想了很久，竟然发现到原来我一个优点都没有。

哭~

迈向第28年的岁月的最近，我似乎才初体验什么是 “成长” 吧？

一直以来，我的人生没有经历过什么大风大浪。
从小到大，父母照顾了我的衣食住行。

当时为了烂作业 / 成绩而哭，有音乐有画画陪我。
当时为了被父母打骂而哭，也有同病相怜的朋友的支柱。
当时为了不喜欢我的男生而哭，还好有偶像团体的支柱。
当时为了音乐的梦想而哭，后来发现是自己太天真而自愿放弃，
随后追随着设计也就慢慢忘了之前所有的痛苦不堪。

最近，快乐的事情都变得短暂了。

以前会为了某些开心的或期待的事情，高兴成几个礼拜。
现在，常常都会被很多突如其来的因素而印象情绪。
每天的生活里，不开心的事慢慢超过开心的事。

最近，我开始想到别人。

在想到别人的当儿，回顾了以前我对待人事物的态度。

像我这种人怎么配有家人的照顾，朋友的问候，真爱的疼爱？

我有什么资格得到这些呢？

最近，我扮演了许多角色。

在家里，我是酒店的房客。
- 新的工作环境，经常需要加班，我在家里的时间减少了。

在职场里，我是好奇的听众 / 观众。
- 我的新同事老板们都是 “爱演之徒”，我就奉陪应酬。

在社交里，我是官方/外交员。
- Being diplomatic won't go wrong.

在爱情里，我是小丑。
- 我心肝请愿的当一个带给他快乐的开心小丑。

最近，我的胸口常常会抽痛，一天会痛上几回。
就像头痛，肚子痛，肌肉酸痛那种，一阵一阵的，不去想它就不会那么痛。
可是偏偏，每次胸口抽痛的时候，就会痛到哭了，一直抓着胸口忍着。

年轻的时候受伤，要疗伤至痊愈不需要很长的时间，

因为细胞都还很健康，皮肤弹性还是有的。

年纪大了受伤，撞击通常都比较大，

自然需要花很长一段时间疗伤。

而且在皮肤上的疤痕更难消掉。

年轻的时候喊痛，别人会怜惜你，照顾你。

年纪大了喊痛，别人会叫你忍一忍过去就可以了，算了，不需要大惊小怪。

最近，我常常在想，应改是报应吧。
报应我目无尊长。
报应我我行我素。
报应我自私自利。
报应我懒惰成性。
报应我假情假意。
报应我不知悔改。

Even religion or counselling probably won't help as I'm already at the 无可救药 stage.
如果是癌症，我已经是在末期了，没得救也没有时间了。

我对不起太多人了，我今生今世也许都补偿不完了。

我知道也许会有想帮助我的人，可是我的罪孽太深重了，
我都没有办法原谅我自己，更何况是我伤害过的人。
我真的不知道该怎么办。。。。

我的胸口又痛了，泪又不停地流了。:(

T_T

Pathetic & Unfortunate

2011-02-22T19:00:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since my last real-time update as my life hand been stagnant.... mainly due to my shitty job woes situation. Most horrible time ever.... had been extremely frustrated over this matter.

Just to give a timeline of my pathetic & unfortunate situation:

1. First half of last year I traveled to China 4 times and in July, my ex-boss decided to fold it's biz and I'm left jobless.

2. I decided to take a break and paid Huishan a visit and toured Tokyo in Aug and will look for job when I'm back.

3. Mid-Sept, got hired by my current company and everything seems to work well. The first sign of instability was when boss told me he'll combine my Sept salary with Oct's one so their paying day is the 1st of every month.

4. Early-Nov, received cheque. Actually found it quite weird cos this is my first time being given an actual cheque as salary. I thought usually the Finance person will bank in? Anw, went to deposit but it was bounced. Money didn't get through.

After Deepavali then boss revealed that the company was facing cashflow problem and we couldn't get enough sales. Told us to wait until end of Nov. I stayed on cos fear of him running away and I won't get anything. On & off, he'll pass us $200-$400 whenever he has money.

5. Mid-Dec, week after week kept dragging.... finally gotten the FIRST completed salary of Sept + Oct pay. Really very ridiculous. At such, boss came up with a new sales direction. Initially we did online advertising but now he decided to bring in print advertising, hoping it could get client's interest cos it's hardcopy - can see can touch, instead of the whole online/internet business. So I stayed on again, trying to workout this print media.

6. Jan, new sales guy came in (cos the previous ones left in Nov). We tried to get the whole team and the business structure going. Mind maps, micro sites, print + digital media/advertising. Everything seems to be ok.... but.... Already Jan, no income for Nov + Dec, very hard to continue. He doesn't have money why don't he just end it? If he's keen to continue, why isn't he focus in it and do something to push sales?

7. Feb, just before CNY, finally gotten pay for Nov + Dec. He said end of Feb then will pay us Jan salary. Wah lau, really is limit liao... Kept dragging & dragging. Really is don't even have mood to continue. I know I should just quit but just scared he wont pay up lor. I sought help online and ppl suggest I should just go to MOM don't wait liao. My parents also worried for me. I scheduled an appointment initially with MOM on Feb 14 but reschedule it to end of the month cos I was hoping to give last chance to see if he pay up.

Currently, as much as I got stuck.... I did receive 2 phone interviews from 2 companies which I'd applied long long time ago. 1 asked me to show portfolio but no news. 1 asked me for an interview which I went today and I got hired. They were also desperate for designers so... they gave me until end of the week to see if my current boss is willing to release me.

Owing salary is really a big no no. I can only apologise to my boss say I need another stable job that wont give me so much distress and insecurity by owing my salary. One thing I always like to emphasize - If I have to live on my savings then what for I work?

Sigh... it's the last week of Feb now. Ideally I'd like to join the new company next month if it's possible. But I'm not sure how things are going to be with the current one. If I leave, my colleague also can't continue... but! That's not the point since the company is already so off.... No money to pay employee salary, might as well don't start business la.

My another concern is the company who decided to hire me.... they're also a small start up. And the thing they say about small startup company = big on idea, low on pay, demand more work cos lesser manpower... so I am skeptical. But this company is situated in Shenton Way, CBD area leh...

Does it really matter if I don't work in big companies? I dunno leh..... how?

They say I'm a Mori Girl!

2011-01-24T12:25:00.006+08:00

As age catches up on me, the only thing I look forward to is dressing & dolling up better than usual to meet up with like-minded friends to talk about things we're all interested in and engaging ourselves in position conversation. I like this kind of bonding or interaction however you call it!

Shan has always been my bestie since young! LOL! Through her I'd gotten to know so many friends and Audrey is one of them!

I have been PINING for Shan to be back ASAP and I couldn't wait to meet her once she's back! So we've arranged to meet up together with Audrey in Orchard last Fri for a meal!

Some shots of the day!

While waiting for Shan and standing in the big wind....

And we've settled for Marche!

Rosti with sausage, half chicken, Caesar's Salad & smoke salmon crepe! NICE!!

Had a great time chatting about Japan & Korean entertainment and many more!

While we were at Heeren's toilet, Shan commented that my style that day was very Mori Girl. I went to google a bit with iPhone and realised that ya... THAT is my kinda style leh!

Anyway, I brought them over to the rooftop of Orchard Central! It was quite beautiful! Some parting shots in the... toilet! LOL!

Will need Shan to send me the rest of the pics on her camera for me to post it up next time... er maybe 6 months later! LOL!

I went home and researched a bit about Mori Girl fashion and I absolutely love that kind of style! Especially the long tops....

The main traits of this style is its bagginess! Printed socks & leggings too! Flower prints also!

I absolutely love this!!! Cos I love green, turquoise, bluish-green a lot!

See see!! I love polka dots too!!

Really so nice!! Anybody knows where can I get such kinda clothes/stype in SG? Err... of cos must size L la...

I LIKE!!!!!

Most of the images about were gotten here .

I Have A Crooked Spine

2011-01-11T15:19:00.004+08:00

One fine day I was strolling at IMM and saw a road show about Chiropractic.

As a person who always have back problems, I was interested and kpo and look look and the lady briefly explained to me and did a little "back screening" and printed a report for me showing how tensed my muscles are.

I paid for the first-time consultation and made an appointment. The first visit was mainly introductory and the doctor getting to know my medical history as well as asking about some of my major injuries etc. So he asked about the symptoms etc and I was scheduled to do an X-ray.

Took a day off and went to Paragon to this Radlink Radiologists place and finished it within 15minutes. I had a wait several weeks before see the doctor for the 2nd time for the Xray analysis.

Yesterday was the 2nd time I got to see Dr Horkey, this American Asian (I couldn't tell if he was Japanese or Korean or Chinese?) doctor who was warm & patient & seems very experienced although he looks like my age or younger?

I felt.... urgh when I saw MY Xrays. Cos.... they looked abnormal....

Saw the twisted, crooked area there?

A closer look here

There is a 20 degree bent in the middle. The black marker signifies the 中心 and most of my weight has been shifted onto my left side.

Apparently, my neck's also bent in opposite direction from how a normal neck spine would look like from as view as drawn in red marker.

I may have put a lot of stress/tension on my neck at the bent part and it looks permanently like that. It looks fine on the front view though.

Well, my peers are much shorter than me since young... how else you think I'd be talking to them? Although I am also wondering if it was also due to looking at a computer screen lower than my eye level that I have to tilt my neck forward or something?

My lower torso here...

My hip bones are damn wide!!! that explains my HUGE ASS!!!

And this is very shuai Dr Horkey explaining about my Xray to me & Mr Z.

To be honest, I feel quite taken aback to see THAT IS MY SPINE!! And its crooked until.... blahhh... So that means I could have been taller?? =P =X

From today onwards I'd be seeing Dr Horkey 3-4 times a week as according to him has to be an intensive treatment for the first 3 months. But I saw the price/bills I will have to pay - I CAN SERIOUSLY FAINT~

Each visit to the clinic is actually $75. 3 times a week = 12 times a mth = 36 times for 3 mths. $75 X 36 = SGD 2700! That means each mth I have to set aside 900 for this treatment. For someone who draw 2K/mth salary, that is actually quite steep. I take home 1.6, minus away 900, only left 500 to survive. HOW CAN!!!

BUT NOW!!!! This CB boss owes me my Nov & Dec salary..... and likely to owe until after CNY... Although I have savings but 这样不对嘛！拿人钱财替人消灾！我却做了两个月的白工！

Everybody works to earn a living, not live on savings leh.... Need to let the CB boss knows about this cos Rajat's company would be hiring and I will apply for it. I need money and I'd just have to work for someone who pays on time.

7, Seven, 七

2011-01-02T18:11:00.003+08:00

Seven Things That Scare Me in 2005
1. Butterflies – I never dare to walk near gardens or flowers despite loving them
2. Pi Tor Ka – I’d fallen down and injured myself on slippery floors and it was traumatising
3. Having to face problems myself cos I hate/scared of confrontations
4. Ppl behind counters
5. Being in front of a guy I like
6. Intimidating/Authorative ppl
7. Naggy parents

Seven Things That Scare Me NOW
1. Still butterflies
2. Flying insects like cockroaches, dragonflies, flies... I wish 会飞的昆虫 would just extinct
3. Meeting psychos, weirdos, stalkers... who threatens or use scare tactics
4. Still behind counters
5. Losing myself (Having to pretend to be someone else)
6. Jobless or salary not on time
7. Losing my possessions I hold dearly

Seven Things I Like The Most in 2005
1. My Home/Room – The place when I feel most secure
2. Friends – My origin of happiness
3. Talking to ppl cos I like talking
4. Reading/Observing ppl cos I like to know what ppl are thinking
5. Watching shuai ge/yandao/hunks for obvious reasons
6. Anything to do with art – drawing, painting, sketching etc
7. Anything to do with music – singing, piano, karaoke etc

Seven Things I Like The Most NOW
1. Still My Home/Room
2. Jogging/Running
3. Karaoke/Singing
4. Visiting parks/gardens/flowers
5. Visiting amusement/theme parks
6. Still drawing/art/design
7. Hanging out with Mr Z or with like-minded friends.

Seven Important Things In My Room in 2005
1. Bed
2. Pillow
3. PC
4. Water Bottle
5. Books
6. Magazines
7. VCDs

Seven Important Things In My Room NOW
1. Still my bed
2. Still my pillow
3. My HP Envy Laptop
4. Still my water bottle
5. My make up/skin care products
6. My wardrobe/clothes
7. My stationery/organiser book

Seven Things I Can Do in 2005
1. Do 180% Split
2. Legs raised till above/behind my head
3. Cut/trim my own hair – that’s why you see my hair never seem to grow long
4. Imitate HK accent – I can speak canto accented Engilsh & Mandarin but I don’t know a single Cantonese
5. Re-anact scenes and remember dialouges from movies
6. Do any types of art work – watercolour, pencil, acrylic, oil, chinese painting, charcoal, poster…whatever.
7. Chat with more than 15 ppl at a time on irc/msn

Seven Things I Can Do NOW
1. Still cutting/trimming my own hair
2. I can do even more accents now: PRC, HK, TW, Indian, Thai, British, Australian, American
3. Voice-acting (I can imitate speeches very well)
4. Still doing any types of art work
5. I can still act cute like a young girl lol =X and putting on make up
6. Understand/Speak better Korean
7. I know/learn how to swim, cook, jog/run regularly

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die in 2005
1. Visit my favourite countries
2. Make my parents very proud
3. Cut an album
4. Have my own animation
5. See Huishan get married & have kids
6. Get to meet up and talk to Leehom and Jay
7. Have kids whether I have a husband or not

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die NOW
1. Visit Europe
2. Visit all theme parks in the world
3. Still making my parents proud
4. Still seeing Huishan get married & have kids
5. Making sure I still look cute even when I'm 40 or 50 years old =X
6. Having healthy, tall & fair kids
7. Learn to drive some day

Seven Random Facts About Me in 2005
1. My feet are size 8 or 40. Damn difficult to buy shoes so I always buy new ones until my shoes are totally tatters & torn
2. I’m pat jiao/cross eyed. Ppl usually don’t notice cos I wear glasses that’s why I don’t like ppl to see me without glasses.
3. I’m not afraid of the dark because I can’t see anything hence, not seeing anything will not make me scared.
4. I’m not afraid of snakes, pythons. In fact, I love them a lot. I like being coiled! WAHAHAHA!! BDSM???
5. I’m always smiling like a mad person for no apparent reason. Cos I’m very easily amused.
6. I always tell ppl I don’t have favourite colour because artist shouldn’t favour any. But seriously I like white, cream, silver, grey. Very light, almost white types.
7. My world pretty much revolved around family, friends & myself (art & music). If I meet a special somebody, my world would only revolve around him.

Seven Random Facts About Me NOW
1. I have night blindness. I can't see in the dark at all.
2. I have a severely crooked spine and currently undergoing chiropractic treatment.
3. I actually like bright & vibrant colours now, colours of Spring!
4. I'm the only left hander in my family and the only double eye-lid amongst my sisters.
5. I like having red hair and I dye it twice a year, once b4 CNY, once b4 my birthday.
6. I have 4 laptops in my room, HP Envy, Dell Inspiron, Compaq Presario, Fujitsu E-series of which only the first 3 are workable as my Fujitsu already died.
7. I use foundation from Silkygirl, concealer from ZA & Maybelline, blusher from Loreal & Maybelline, mascara & pencil eyeliner from Maybelline.

Seven Things I Can't Do in 2005
1. Can’t swim
2. Can’t drive
3. Can’t cook
4. Can’t dance
5. Can’t do sports
6. Can't attract yandaos
7. Can't be a chio bu

Seven Things I Can't Do NOW
1. Still can't dance
2. Still can’t drive
3. Can't think rationally/logically
4. Can't seem to grow up
5. Unable to earn more than 2k like my peers
6. Can't seem to keep my promises
7. Can't seem to be normal

Seven Things I Say The Most NOW
1. Still Eh...
2. Still Orh...
3. Still Aiya...
4. Still Err...
5. OMO! (Korean's way of OMG!)
6. Aish!! (Korean's way of WTH/WTF)
7. Aigoo... (Korean's way of Why like that?)

Seven Celeb Crushes in 2005
1. This one still need to ask meh? MY HUBBY WANG LEEHOM LA!!!
2. No.2 is always MR ZHOU JIELUN LA!!!
3. nil
4. nil
5. nil
6. nil
7. nil

Seven Celeb Crushes NOW
1. Still Leehom
2. Still Jay
3. Robert Downey Junior
4. Ruan Jingtian
5. Zheng Yuanchang
6. Lee Min Ho
7. Choi Si Won

Are the differences big? lol

Job Woes 2

2010-11-18T11:03:00.005+08:00

Just 5 months ago, I wrote about Job Woes but here I am facing the same thing again.

我的工作缘似乎很差. This is my 3rd full time job after I graduated. First as Graphic Designer at SH with a bitchy boss who knows nothing about design. I didn't get to do anything except to replicate what has been previously done. Barely 2 months and I was asked to leave cos I was "too slow" and am her "most disappointing designer ever employed".

So I told myself never to become 'in-house' designer cos it's a pretty shitty job.

While waiting for a next full-time job, I worked on a freelance project. To do up a flash website for a branding company run by 2 ppl. As it's a newly start up, they have limited budget. I was only paid SGD600 to complete in a month which got dragged.... Even though I'm a freelance but that stupid client acted like I was their full time staff, calling me after 6pm for stupid changes.

That was when I realised many bosses/clients have no idea about Designers.

Next I became a Web Editor for iLearn - an online magazine about Chinese culture. I was initially hired as Web Designer though. At the beginning, I get to work on design projects & the website. After the website was up, they require to me to research info to publish articles.

As there wasn't a lot of design tasks to do, so I have to do other ad hoc things to utilize my time in the office.

Yes, I did get to travel to China but still, I didn't get to do what I wanted in the first place - Design. I don't want and not interested to know about business, networking, PR, marketing. I realised I wont get to improve artistically & creatively so I decided to leave. But just so happen that the company decided to end it's business as well cos it's not making progress anyway.

And now my current job, started in mid-Sept. Everything started quite well except I got confused what & who exactly are we. Are we an agency? focusing on marketing? advertising? IT? design? What? Ended up, it was a technology company selling marketing solutions to improve business for SMEs.

Ok, so I did have design stuff to work on, only thing that bugged me a little was DH & SD - a bit extra & naggy and I thought women/aunties are more lor sor. But that's now to case... these 2 Uncles always like to talk about their personal lives and all... I'm not interested to know about your wife, kids, car, house, in-laws blablabla la...

Everything was going well until we received paycheck for Sept + Oct before the Deepavali holiday. The paycheck was bounced.

After the Deepavali long weekend when we return to work on the following Monday. Boss saw us individually to tell us he was facing cashflow problem. All of us were feeling quite rotten. He asked our opinion if we should continue with this project which might work. But he can't even pay us of what we'd did, why should we continue? If he is facing a problem, why did he let us know? All of us didn't have mood to continue anymore anyway... no motivation, discouraged and demoralized.

The next day, boss told us to give him 2 weeks to pay us. DH decided to walk out. There was no reason to stay in an unstable company who's not even capable of paying the employees on time. But I didn't want to do things do halfway, we've already started out halfway on this project... so I was also helpless & confused. In any case, still need to wait for 2 weeks, if I walk out now then what if boss disappear and unregister the company and zao lang? I wont get a single cent... so by saying I "can continue with current project" is also to be physically in the office and made sure he never run away.

But really too much la!

Tomorrow is the day he's supposed to pay us. I really don't know what pattern he'll come up with. If he pays, I'd have to worry about my Nov pay how then? Also have to wait long long to receive it?

Sigh....

So... I dunno la. I hope to leave already even though I yet to secure another job. But I dunno what is the best way to solve all these. Kinda want to give him one month notice so he may get another designer ... maybe I should do that la.

Tomorrow's SY's big day, I hope whatever unpleasant things that will happen in office will end there and I'd happily go over to see the bride and her groom~ ^^

有你在我身边，什么都好

2010-10-31T00:15:00.000+08:00

It was another brand new week at work.

There was a new telemarketer who joined the company today. She's 23 and she's married. When she asked how old I am, I said 27 and she asked me why am I not married. -.- Why would you ask somebody you met for the first time such a question? There are ppl much older who, by choice, choose to be single also ma...

Then I asked if she has been childhood sweethearts with her hubby that's why decided to get married cos together long liao. But she said she has only been together with him for one year and decided to ROM to get a house.

Was happy to get to jog after work today!

-

The telemarketer, the 23 y/o married lady didn't turn up for work today. Just one day and she decided to quit. Pengz.

Wasn't the job scope already discussed before she accepted to take upon this job? My colleague, Htet Htet had spent the whole day teaching her how to log in and update/edit the system. Making email/passwords for her to us. Really a waste of time.

Stress was beginning to set in thinking how to create our website, or rather more of web portal. I researched & read all the information until I tao hin.

Went KTV with YJ & WQ. Really tired but it was still fun. WQ really had Scorpio Eyes but he was really uh... 瘦 :X But still 可爱大男生 la. All of us parted at Clementi interchange. Thank you for coming all the way to Clementi, sorry you'd have a long journey back home to Serangoon =\ but your school is NUS ma :X

-

So many things to do. Sigh...

And DH isn't helping. Find him really irritating la. He kept saying "Burn the files into the thumb drive" How to burn? It's not CD what. All you need to do is just copy.

Had to complete 3 email htmls and 1 ppt. Tonight really OT and only left the office at 8pm together with Htet. Mama asked me why so late, I just say got OT and had to stay behind to finish the ppt for a presentation tomorrow. But lucky thing I stayed near my workplace and the journey won't take more than 30min :)

-

PRESENTATION!!! That was the reason why I had to stay late the previous night.

It was mainly a preparation about the current web trends, current social media trends and summurizing what boss wanted us to do for this whole web portal thing and how to sell the 'online marketing & community' thing. Could have done better but I already tried all/what I can.

Boss & the Project Manager seemed satisfied. The idea is there but just wasn't sure if all of us were able to execute the idea and how long will it take etc because frankly speaking, the actual ppl doing is me & Htet Htet, just 2 ppl to create the portal. So for a startup, either we need more time or 1 or 2 more expert.

The meeting carried out from 10am to 1pm. Gosh! 3-hour meeting! After meeting, of course all us would prepare to have lunch. But usually boss wont join so it was just the rest of 4 of us. But... DH ask to borrow money from me. He wanted to borrow $20 but I only have $20 in my wallet (2 pieces of $10) so end up I let him $10 only la. But seriously, wah lau eh~ Grown office man no cash in wallet and gotta borrow from me, really WTH leh. You tell me how not to be irritated? Not that he's a bad person, all talk no action also and I am put off but his little chao kuan like such.

-

WEEKEND MOVIE MARATHON as well!

Reign of Assasin by Michelle Yeoh & Joo Woo Sung (Yes, Korean actor), directed by reknown Chinese director, John Woo (Makers or many Hollywood action movies and of course Red Cliff)

Da S, Lin Xi Lei, Shawn Yue also starred in the movie! Without further ado, I present you the trailer.

It was a superb movie! Every detail was well taken care of. It's basically about assassins during the periodic times.

The film stars Michelle Yeoh, who plays an assassin who tries to return to a normal life after being counseled by a monk. After saving her husband and herself from a gang, she attracts the attention of her former assassin gang. Read more here .

Through random Googling, some dude actually posted the movie on Youtube! View Part 1 or 2 here

Another movie we caught was Life As We Knew It by Katherine Heigl & Josh Duhamel.

Everything about this movie is nicely summed up in this 2min trailer :)

A sweet, heart-warming RomCom and not to mention the super cute & adorable baby girl!

CUTOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
-

I love Family Sundays! Papa jio us to have lunch at Ngee Ann Alumni since he was one of the members.

We had mainly western food! <3

So nice to have Dearie around! He wanted to go home at night but I asked him to stay over another night since the next afternoon he'd be leaving for Redang with his pal.

Lovu dovu.

-

Mondays are usually refreshing & more awake for me as I anticipate what's to come during the work week.

Had to work on some emailers and unable to start on the website as planned. But the company really ought to quickly define it's core. I have already done the layouts for business cards, letterhead, envelop, signboard etc. Now change the name of the titles again. Does this happen to all newly startups?

Boss actually ask to send for print last week but I held until today. Imagine if I really sent for print, everything already printing in thousand already, I really wont know how to bear the responsibility & cost. Kaoz...

I was under the impression that my company is sort of an agency since we help business owners do 'online/digital marketing' such as emailers, websites, social media etc I would think this kind of 'client servicing' that's majority on design would be considered an agency but I was told we're not. We're a 'technology company' who design softwares to help business owners. Like huh? You think from a consumer pov, if you want to get ppl to market your business, will you approach agencies or us?

Such a nice weather when we went out for lunch. I should be jogging, not working.

How to work with my DH blasting 80s disco music in the office? All those Boys Boys Boys, Heaven is a Place on Earth. Wah biang... he has a surround system on his desk which vibrated the whole office.

-

Rushed on the preparation of wireframe for the web portal. Still very confusing to me, to be honest.

Had another meeting to discuss about defining & establishing what the whole website is about and it gives me the idea that the boss wanted us to creat another Google/Facebook/Yahoo all combined together. But errr... there's only 2 ppl. What was he expecting?

So many things to be done, if I reveal the flow chat I think will ki siao. Probably over 50 pages and a lot of backend works to be done.

Decided to adopt minimalistic since it's the trend nowadays to force users to focus on a certain part by having a lot of white spaces. Simple & not complicated & not cluttered. Works best for ANY kind of industry. At least now I know this company is not a creative agency but a technology team with focus in using internet to do online/digital marketing. It had better work.

Met up with Vivian at her company Fossil as a former freelance client Janet would like to present watched for me & Rajat! Yay!

Vivian & I had Pontien noodles at Far East Plaza. There was another snow ice dessert shop right beside but it closed down :( so she brought me over to ION and had similar one but it wasn't really that nice.

We chatted a bit about our work... sigh, my work was forever unstable and I didn't like it to be honest. However, it was still good to still be seeing Vivian :)

-

ANOTHER WEEKEND WITH DEARIE!! HIS BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!!!

It was the AX (Armani Exchange) watch which I had collected from Fossil.

And I presented to Dearie as his birthday present when he came over to my place. Though I didn't pay a cent but it was exchanged through hardwork for the freelance project. They weren't able to provide adequate monetary terms, hence they compensated with watches! Not a bad exchange if you ask me.

Dearie & I planned to visit Henderson Wave + Hortpark since he has never been before and we had the luxury to take pics with his bro's DSLR!

Pics taken from an expensive camera is really not the same man! As shown on the following pics. It was Dearie's first time to Henderson Waves!

He looked like an excited small boy! :X

As he likes to put it, "Aish! She's always acting cute like a small girl. ><"

POSER!

My red hair growing out since Japan days!

He likes to anyhow take unglam pics! ><

I think my Dearie is super shuai~ :X

Even if he shows totally retarded face! :X

and do retarded action muahaha~

Self-take fail cos I forgot to zoom back!

Looks like giant Xmas tree!

He say he's very shag -.-

Very sian! I got bitten by mosquitoes!! Argh~

He really has a lot of qi guai expression everytime! Keeps me amused always! :D

DSLR really takes good pictures!! Ah! Loving it!

So GUAI LAN for what??? lol

Oh mo! SMLJ expression is this!! Wahahaha Pengz~

It started to drizzle....

Haha! He can pretty much become pro~

This is my CUTEST BOYFRIEND IN DA WORLD!!!!

How can I not love him?? LOL!

Self-take shot again! <3

Act model. Act cute.

Told him to take a pic of me and he took so long! End up he took me of the same pose but different compositions =.=

He calls me small gal again! ><

We were done with Henderson Wave and heading over to HortPark! But by then it was already turning dark, can't take a lot of photos anymore...

Sitting down and taking a rest & a bite while walking for almost 2 hours.

Didn't get to see much at Hortpork so we left for home! Wishing Dearie Happy Birthday and hope he liked the arrangement ^^

-

It was Dearie's actual birthday but we didn't do anything much except going over to JP for dinner at Ding Tai Feng.

Quite domestic looking, are we? LOL!

Brought a piggy bday cake and sang birthday song!

Happy 28th Birthday, Dearie & many more bday celebrations to come! :)