Engaging the Disquiet

4 keys to productive communication

dave@thedisquiet.com — Tue, 01 May 2007 14:33:54 +0000

ETD # 19 How to know what to say and when to say it

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“I only told the truth. I did the right thing. Now he’s all upset. He just doesn’t want to hear the truth. He can’t handle the truth. Now what do I do?”

This wasn’t Jack Nicholson in the movie, “A Few Good Men”. This was a woman who had contacted me about her lack of success in discussing her husband’s Disquiet with him. She had tried to share what she thought was going on for him. It didn’t go well. He felt judged.

She had told her husband how his behavior was causing stress in the house. She told him he needed to work on his midlife crisis. She used examples. Technically, she seemed to be doing it right. But how was she saying it? That was the rub. When she related what she was saying, I could hear what sounded to me like a fire hose of how he was screwing up. She was pretty unrelenting in providing evidence that he was not dealing with his Disquiet. She did tell the truth and she was right, he couldn’t handle it.

But what she didn’t realize is no one could handle it . She used the truth like a sledgehammer. It sounded to me she might have been more interested in proving she was right. That can happen under the guise of “I’m just telling the truth”.

This has happened to me – a lot. I really struggle with this. How to tell a truth in a way that doesn’t create more harm?

Have you ever thought about saying something and your decision is based on whether its true or not? It is, so you lay it on the person only to find that it doesn’t go so well?

Something being true does not mean it won’t disrupt, hurt or cause problems. Something that is true can also be very harmful. There are some additional elements you need to consider beyond the truthfulness of the content in order to communicate productively.
Here are the elements to skillful speech:

1. Is it true? If not, don’t do it. But also don’t stop here, read on.

2. Is it kind? Ah, here is the rub. Can I say what I think is true in a way that the other person can hear it and not be harmed by the message.

3. Is it helpful? Well….it is for me. That’s not enough. Is it useful for the other person or group?

4. Is it unifying? Does speaking it help further the relationship or can it disrupt and cause a break?

These are the elements to skillful speech. I can usually say “yes” to 3 of the 4 criteria. Getting all 4 is sometimes really challenging. When that happens, I really have to rethink saying what I was going to say. If I end up not being able to say it in a skillful way, I often decide not to say it. And every time I have done that, it turned out to be the right thing.

This is not about not speaking up. It’s about when you speak up, do so in a way that is skilful and powerful.

When trying to share your concern about your loved one, be sure to explore these elements. If you can only hit one or two, reconsider what you have to say and why. And if you can’t find a way to say it without having all of these elements, consider not saying it.

Try this out and let us know how it goes! Which elements are easy and which are real challenges to include?

The problem with seeing it as a problem

dave@thedisquiet.com — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 04:45:34 +0000

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ETD #20: The April issue of “Time For Change”

“Time for Change” focuses on different issues about the Disquiet. It’s like a coaching conversation in which I will work on a particular aspect and provide steps you can take to work with your own Disquiet. You can ask questions or share you experiences here in the comments below.

Please note that these monthly newsletter editions are not available on the Feed. So if you want to receive your own issue when it’s published, you can subscribe by filling out the form box on any sidebar on this site or by clicking here. You will also get a copy of the report from my ongoing study based on interviews with men around the world who discuss their Disquiet.

This month’s article:

The problem with seeing it as a problem

Its 3:31 am and I am wide awake and I don’t know why. One minute I was sound asleep, the next staring at the numbers: “3 3 1” glowing green-blue in the dark. The more I try to go back to sleep, the more anxious I feel. My mind starts racing, “I’m not supposed to be awake! Everyone else is sleeping right now. Being awake means something is wrong. What’s wrong? I can’t sleep. ARRRGH! The frustration about not being able to get back to sleep feeds on itself. I want to scream, “What’s wrong with me that I can’t go back to sleep!?!?!”

There! Right there! See that?

That thing we do when we think something is wrong - We zoom in on the idea something is wrong with us. That very idea dooms us from the start. Once I have locked in on the idea something’s wrong and clamp down on it, it’s all down hill from there. I will end up thrashing around for hours getting more upset that I’m awake.

The same applies with the Disquiet in our lives – that growing restlessness that many men report feeling. A low background hum that says something is not right. When we see it as something wrong with us, then it’s a short quick slide into we are failures for not knowing how to fix it. That starts the worrying about worrying. New things pop up to prove how we aren’t doing it right and aren’t OK.

So back in bed, unable to sleep, I am now worrying about all kinds of new things that are popping up. Now I am sweating the emails I didn’t send, bills still waiting to be paid, and the ice cream I ate this evening after swearing off sugar. The harder I try to go back to sleep, the more I zero in on all the different things that can go wrong and all the many different ways I have somehow already failed. Now I am wide awake and feeling up tight and restless. Now there really is something wrong.

But there is an alternative here. What if there’s wisdom in the fact that I am up? What if it’s an article begging to be written and not the guilt over the ice cream at all? I don’t know what really woke me up in the middle of the night. But what I do know is that I stopped the agony when I stopped thinking I was failing at getting back to sleep. I got up. Once up, I realized I had a lot going on in my head so I came downstairs and wrote this article

So what if there is another way to have this go?

What if this Disquiet in our lives does not mean we are a failure? What if the unease isn’t an alarm bell that we screwed up somehow, but instead is a signal to ask questions and listen for answers? What if the feeling of alarm only comes when we ignore these important messages?

It’s not a problem, it’s a guide

I listened to what was really going on – ideas buzzing in my head that wanted to get out on paper. I listened and acted on that. That is really different than taking a sleeping pill or tossing and turning in bed worrying.

What does your Disquiet have to tell you? Instead of a proclamation that you screwed up somewhere, what is the deeper wisdom that is trying to surface?

How to help the wisdom surface?

So the next time you start to see yourself shooting out of the starting gate of the “something’s wrong race”, try this:

Stop and take some deep breaths. This can interrupt the ramping up of worry.
Check in with yourself. Imagine turning off the alarm in your head that something is wrong. Then ask yourself what is really trying to get my attention here?
Listen for the quiet answer. Often what we really need comes from a pretty quiet place – not the klaxon alarm bell screaming there is a problem.
Watch things settle down. When you focus on what you can learn from the Disquiet and doing something in your real life with that learning, you will notice things get quieter. You then know you are on the right track.
Allow yourself to be surprised. Be open to what this quieter message might suggest. I never would have guessed I had an article ready to come out in the middle of the night!

Try it out! Let me know what happens. There, now I’m sleepy. I’m going back to bed.

ETD #19 An interview with Stuart Baker

dave@thedisquiet.com — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 03:08:14 +0000

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Engaging the Disquiet (ETD) Podcast Episode #19. Length: 36.18 minutes

You can listen to this episode by clicking on the prompt above. To learn how you can automatically get new episodes for free to download to your MP3 player or computer, check out the sidebar to the right. Hint: Many of my listeners enjoy burning several on a CD and listening to them in their car.

I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing Stuart Baker of Conscious Cooperation. We discussed his experiences with Disquiet in his life. This is a powerful and inspiring story of a man who started asking the big questions on life at a very early age. As a result of learning to work with his Disquiet whenever it appeared in his life, he charted a life long adventure of learning more about himself and helping others grow.

Stuart’s experiences with his Disquiet ultimately led him to blending a fascination with the construction business and a deep calling to bring more harmony and cooperation into the world. His current business, Conscious Cooperation is the result of that blending. He is doing amazing work in a field that needs his gifts. His services extend to the homeowner as well!

You can read more about Stuart’s bio here. And be sure to check out his blog!

From listening to Stuart’s story, what are you learning about your own Disquiet? What has he inspired you to do?

Please share your observations and comments. If you have questions for Stuart, you can post them here or contact him directly by clicking here.

ETD #18 You may be listening to the wrong brain

dave@thedisquiet.com — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:50:34 +0000

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Engaging the Disquiet Podcast Episode #18. Listening time: 10.30 minutes

You can listen to this episode by clicking on the prompt above. To learn how you can automatically get new episodes for free to download to your MP3 player or computer, check out the sidebar to the right. Hint: Many of my listeners enjoy burning several on a CD and listening to them in their car.

In this episode: You may be listening to the wrong brain.

Do you pride yourself in being able to solve problems? You don’t have to admit this, but deep down, do you ever compare yourself to Sherlock Holmes or Mr. Spock, and say to yourself you are on par (or even better) than their super rational brains? OK, Well I have.

Seriously, I bet you have a lot to show for your rational mind. It’s probably played a huge role in your getting to where you are in your life. And that is a good thing.

Until now.

Now it can be a real liability – with your Disquiet.

Listen to the podcast to learn a more effective way to access the wisdom you need to work with your Disquiet.

There is a special offer for you announced in the podcast.

Come back and ask questions, share your experience, or start a conversation by using the “comments” section below.

Interview with Wesley Hein of LifeTwo.com

dave@thedisquiet.com — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 18:48:43 +0000

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Engaging the Disquiet (ETD) Podcast Episode #17. Length: 30 minutes

You can listen to this episode by clicking on the prompt above. To learn how you can automatically get new episodes for free to download to your MP3 player or computer, check out the sidebar to the right. Hint: Many of my listeners enjoy burning several on a CD and listening to them in their car.

In this episode I interviewed Wesley Hein, co-creator of LifeTwo. LifeTwo (www.lifetwo.com) is a media company and online resource/community that provides information for people in their mid-30s to early 60s on issues unique to middle age such as career changes, balancing child care with elder care, retirement planning, menopause, brain health, and living life to the fullest. LifeTwo now appears in the top 10 Google rankings for many key topic searches associated with midlife issues.

We discussed Wesley’s experiences with his own Disquiet. He shared how he learned from it and uses that learning in creating the life he wants. He also descibed how LifeTwo can be a resource for men navigating their Disquiet.

One of the key learnings from an early experience he talks about is the making of his list of things to do before he dies. You can read more about this in an article at LifeTwo.

Wesley is a very successful businessman. He founded Enigma Records in 1980 and worked with bands like Poison, Motley Crue and Red Hot Chili Peppers. ‘People who loved rock-and-roll then and today are the same people interested in reading about midlife issues.’

“Hein, 47, pointed out that these issues are not exclusive to baby boomers, noting that the first Gen X-ers are now turning 40. ‘You’re either in our demographic or you’ll be in our demographic or you just left our demographic and you’re reminded of aging every day.’ Wesley spoke about his own experience with Disquiet as well as what LifeTwo can offer men struggling with their own Disquiet.” ~ Melissa Beal for the Palisadian-Post

You can find out more about Wesley’s fascinating life and LifeTwo here.

ETD Episode #16 Tapping into the Disquiet in Strange Places

dave@thedisquiet.com — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 05:04:41 +0000

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Engaging the Disquiet (ETD) Podcast Episode #16. Length: 11.07 minutes

You can listen to the episode by clicking on the prompt above. To learn how you can automatically get new episodes for free to download to your MP3 player or computer, check out the sidebar to the right. Hint: Some of my audience enjoy burning several on a CD and listening to them in their car.

In this episode I talk about a recent experience where some of my own Disquiet showed up. It happened when I went to a surprise 50^th Birthday celebration for a friend from college that I had not seen in 13 years.

I also discuss a great new book out by Thomas Moore, “The Dark Nights of the Soul, a Guide to Finding Your Way Thorough Life’s Ordeals“. This was based on an earlier blog post . You can read more about it as well as order the book from there if you like.

Please leave me your reactions, ask questions or share your perspective in the comments section. Thanks!

4 Tips for Dads with Disquiet

dave@thedisquiet.com — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 16:59:28 +0000

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Don’t forget the kids!

Sometimes when we are struggling in our lives, we lose focus of everything but our suffering. Ever notice that? It’s like that becomes the only thing you can really see. Everything else gets blurry. I remember when I decided my next car would be a Subaru Forrester. All of a sudden, that is all I saw on the road!. One day they didn’t exist and the next, the entire human race was driving one. It’s funny how what we are focused on filters what we see - and what we don’t. Those cars weren’t all purchased in one day. This shows up as well in the struggle with the Disquiet. It can consume you, taking all of your focus. And things can disappear from your view.

The idea about focus came up after reading an article on tips for being a good dad at Men’s Health. It was pretty good, but more importantly, it triggered some memories of when I was really struggling through what I figured was a midlife crisis when my kids were in their preteens.

I just wrote about this in an article at Lifetwo.com:

I can easily recall the main focus on my attention was on my being lost. I was feeling in a rut at work, lifeless at home and just kind of wandering through my day. I didn’t neglect my kids. I was doing all the right things. But was I really focused on them enough? No way. You know how you can multi-task as a parent? You can wash dishes, help with homework and be thinking about the memo that has to get out the next morning all at the same time. But what is really happening? Are you really there? And don’t the kids know it?”

I went on in the article to describe how I decided to share with them what I was struggling with. I just knew that at some level, they could sense I was “off” and I didn’t want them thinking it had anything to do with them. Try as you might, and you might even be a great actor, you cannot fool kids. They know when you are faking it.

So as you work with your Disquiet, don’t forget to take time for your kids. Try to keep them in focus. Even if you have tried to cover up your unease and Disquiet, they know something is off. You cannot fake it with them. And worse, being kids, they might start thinking your being “different” is because of them. So here are some things to consider:

1. Share with them what you are going through. I am really glad I told my kids. In my situation, they were preteens and you have to be age-appropriate. You also want to remember why you are telling them - to reassure them you love them and are there for them. Also, it’s a chance to educate them about life and the Disquiet. But you do not want to overwhelm them or smear them with your unease and tales of woe. So there is a need for intention and careful speaking. And for me, there were unexpected benefits. As I wrote in that article, a couple of years later, I was approached by one of my children who was struggling with the “meaning of life” kind of issues. We had amazing discussions that came from a common experience that really bonded us. That continues to this day. Amazing.

2. When you are with them, be fully present. I know we all pride ourselves on being great multi-taskers. Raise your hand if you have ever read a bedtime story with your child while planning the next staff meeting or other urgent task at the same time. Yup. Thought so. You can lower your hand. The kids can sniff this out as well. Check your multi-tasking talents at your kid’s bedroom door. While you are with them, really be there. If you are tired and distracted, do the best you can. Do it in spurts. But try.

3. Watch out for what you are focused on. Just like seeing the Subarus everywhere, whatever you are focused on is what you will see. A tricky thing about the Disquiet is it’s like a cloud of smoke. There is no form to it. You know you are suffering but you may not yet know why, and you can really get consumed by it. It becomes the focal point of everything you see as you try to figure out what is happening. Everything else gets blurred. That could happen with your kids. Read about the Disquiet here. That might help make it less a mystery that keeps calling your attention. Take a break from the struggle and remember your kids.

4. Be a Dad - it helps you remember who you are. My kids are the best mirror for me, reminding me of what is important and also the best things in me. When I am lost, nothing brings me back to knowing me faster than being with them. It is important for them and it also helps you.

As with all tips, advise and suggestions, look for what helps you and feels supportive. The last thing I want to do is add guilt or burden you with more roles and responsibilities if you are feeling stretched in life. Just do the best you can. If you are really struggling, take an audit of just how much energy you have available. And try to spend some of it with your kids. They are the most unconditional of the demands in terms of love. They will happily take whatever you can give them.

Technorati : baby boomer, coaching, life coaching, mens issues, midlife, midlife crisis, mlc, personal development, personal growth

One of the key secrets to lasting change

dave@thedisquiet.com — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 22:29:37 +0000

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I think one of the main reasons we fail to make the big changes we want in our lives is because we think it’s about will power. We think to ourselves, “If I really want something different, I have to just do it.” And when it gets tough, I just have to try harder. And when it doesn’t work, I have must blame myself: “I didn’t try hard enough”. “I am not strong enough”. “I didn’t have enough will power.”

There are other things we occasionally like to blame: it was God’s will, it wasn’t meant to be, the universe didn’t answer, or I didn’t deserve it. Those are for other discussions.

Most of us, at one time of another, blame our lack of will or endurance for not getting to our goals.

It is not about will.

Major life change is really hard. It is possible, but really hard. And it does not happen by our deciding to exert our will or gut it out.

To begin to change the way you want to live, you must change the way you think.

This sure challenges the message behind the famous Nike slogan, “Just do it”!

My friend Dr Hal writes about how many think that their weight loss failures were because they didn’t have enough will power. He writes, “There is a myth about will power. Will power is not necessary for weight loss. Will power is only necessary, because people do not change their overweight thinking. People are overweight, because of their overweight thinking triggers behaviors consistent with being overweight.”

Here’s the deal: All of our experiences, our learning, our upbringing, our education, culture, level of development as a human, and the sum total of our life, all form to shape how we see the world and how we see the particular thing we are struggling with and want to change.

The way we see the world and our challenges shapes what we feel and then what actions we take. So a lot is riding on how we see the world.

I remember back to a time of heavy Disquiet. I can remember how I viewed the world and my stuckness. I saw the world from inside a deep rut with no sense of satisfaction. Even now, I can feel the anxiety churn in my gut, my shoulders tense. I didn’t sleep well, waking every night around 3 am as if an alarm went off. I knew I needed to do something to make this go away. I looked around and zeroed in on my job, I was not as valued as I should be. Yeah! Changing that would feel better. That must be the issue. Bam! I went out and found a new job. But after a while, the same cycle started again. I had not changed my thoughts about how I saw the world and my Disquiet. So the Disquiet continued. If I had first worked on how I viewed by Disquiet instead of just picking something to change, I would have fared better.

That was a shoot-from-the-hip change. There is pain and we jump into action to fix the pain. I once had a doctor who was writing prescriptions before I was even done describing my symptoms. At its best it is a short term fix. At it’s worst, a huge increase in suffering and can cause damage.

So this idea of changing how we think is not about repeating affirmations or thinking happy thoughts. It’s about changing what and how you see the world. Change that lens begins a chain reaction that ultimately affects what we can do.

In my work with men’s Disquiet, I refer to this as creating a new navigation system. Changing the maps and the landmarks. You not only set a new course, there are new things that show up to tell you whether you are on or off course.

That isn’t the whole story. There needs to be new skill-building. Like with muscle building, there needs to be a strengthening of what is already there and working, but also a building up of what has atrophied.

But this idea of needing to change how you think and therefore see is a critical first step. From time to time, I will explore how to change our thinking here. Stay tuned.

How have you successfully changed something by first changing how you thought about it? What did you do?

Working a small Disquiet in my life

dave@thedisquiet.com — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 06:10:05 +0000

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I have had a rumbling of [tags]Disquiet[/tags] for a couple of weeks now. A low-grade background hum of unease. After working with the strong, long dark-night-of-the-soul bouts of Disquiet over the years, I am pretty good at picking up the signals early on. I sensed something was off. How? My first awareness was at night, when things get quiet. I noticed an old familiar hum of restlessness. A smaller taste of the same unease that used to settle in on my life like a wet wool blanket. This was smaller, not as heavy, but still it was there.

So what did I do? I started listening to it. Literally. I started asking myself questions about it. Where am I feeling unsettled? What is gong on in my life where I don’t feel like its quite right? Ask and then listen. And this kind of conversation can only happen in a relaxed way. Not rushed. Not an interrogation.

I knew the answers to my questions that came up quickly and easily were just the low hanging fruit - the symptoms and side effects of the Disquiet, but not the core issue. I knew from experience that those answers that I was looking for come from a quieter place. So when the “louder” answers ran out, I just relaxed and let it be. I went back to my routines, but always keeping an eye out for that rumbly feeling.

A couple of days passed and each time I picked up on the Disquiet, I would poke around some more. After a while, I got it. I knew I was hitting on the core issue because when I thought I had identified it, a huge “KerChink” resonated in my body - like in the old days when you dropped a dime in the pay phone and heard it catch? That was it. “KerChink”.

It kind of bubbled up- literally - when I was washing my hands in a men’s room. As I dried them, I glanced up into the mirror and caught my own gaze. And then, “KerChink”. I just knew what the issue was.

In writing about this, the issue isn’t as important as this process of engaging it. But here it is. The rumbling of unease that has been bouncing around for awhile is that I am feeling isolated in my work. I miss the working on a project in a team. I miss the sense of working on a common mission, the unique contributions from different people and the camaraderie that comes with it. I miss that. You see, as a consultant, I have been working solo for a while now. I meet my clients face to face and on the phone. I enjoy that contact immensely, but I do miss the synergy of teamwork.

Now that I know that, I know what to do. It doesn’t mean I am in the wrong line of work or need to make huge drastic changes. But is does mean I need to be doing some collaborative work. So now that is on my agenda. I am on the lookout for a project that will supply what I am missing. I can already feel an ease coming back into my body like a deeeep satisfying stretch.

I know this wasn’t the kind of Disquiet we usually discuss here. But you know, Disquiet is Disquiet. Even the small sources of dissatisfaction left undiscovered will fester. Over time, they add up and get very complicated. And painful.

If I had not explored the source of this particular Disquiet, this is what could have happened: The rumbling would eventually get louder. The dissatisfaction about working alone would grow and possibly start infecting the aspects of my work that I Iove.

I would sense something was seriously wrong and in a panic might jump into action to change things. It might rattle my confidence as a coach. I might come to the conclusion that I was no longer meant to be dong what I was doing and jump careers.

Or, I might start playing around with distractions. My particular drug of choice these days - buying expensive tech toys. The absolute thrill of obtaining one of those incredibly sexy perfectly-packaged Apple products (I Iove the box my Ipod came in as much as the Ipod) would deaden the unease - for a while. Then it would come back - louder and messier and then I would have to up the ante of my distractions. You know the cycle.

I am not suggesting that my spat of isolation is commensurate with the pain of a [tags]midlife crisis[/tags] or the sense of disconnection with a calling. But it can serve to teach what to do in those situations. Paying attention and engaging it as early as I can lets me see what I need to shift or adapt. That is a lot easier than cleaning up the mess down the road.

Here’s to the next rumble of Disquiet……

Cynicism and Resignation

dave@thedisquiet.com — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 04:52:13 +0000

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I am sitting in a computer room on break from leading training for a program that fast-tracks high potential grad school graduates into management positions in the federal government. I’m a faculty member for a 3-day intensive leadership program for them.

We had a great discussion today as we explored the challenges of working with cynicism and resignation in the workplace. These are young, very intelligent, immensely talented, energetic and idealistic people. As they move into their new roles, they sometimes get stopped in their tracks as they get exposed to the [tags]cynicism[/tags] in the workplace.

I listened to their stories of working for zombie bosses or with retired-in-place colleagues. It reminds me of when I have worked with senior leaders trying to lead their organization through change and how they often got stopped in their tracks by the resignation as well.

I’m also reminded of my own bouts of burn-out and cynicism, as well as the times I helped other managers heal their own struggles with it.

As we explored this, some interesting things popped up in the discussion. They learned the ultimate irony of how the cynics were once very committed and idealistic workers just like they are today.
Over time, these hard chargers were disappointed over and over again by incidents and events. Their enthusiasm was blunted and their hearts broken as they were worn down. Their ideas were not heard, promotions didn’t come or change efforts left them behind.

Over time, the bright light of possibility just flickered and sometimes it was snuffed out.

People and organizations dismiss cynics as pains-in-the-butts. Yet cynics were at one time the most motivated and committed workers.

When I think back to what it felt like as a cynic, I think, “If we didn’t care so much we wouldn’t be hurting or angry or disappointed. The quiet ones are the ones to worry about – they don’t care as much.”

Some of the deepest periods of Disquiet for me occurred when I was also struggling with my own cynicism and resignation. They seemed to all feed each other.

There is a deep connection for me between cynicism and the Disquiet. Learning how to heal the resignation, to transform the cynicism into engagement and commitment is an important part of working with the Disquiet.

This isn’t easy or quick work. When working with your own cynicism, or someone else’s’, you have to do some digging. Like an archeologist. You have to scrape away the layers of feeling wronged, complaining, railing against the system and yearning for justice.

Eventually, you might uncover that original spark, that little pilot light of what you (or the other person) really cared about. The reason that got you flying out of bed in the morning ready for the day, happily slugging through the commute and putting up with the meetings about meetings. Remember that time?

If NPR were to interview you and they asked you what inspired you and what you were most proud of in your career, could you remember?

If it’s not too late, if the flame hasn’t been totally extinguished, it can usually be fanned back to life. Look for that glowing ember.

We will come back to this from time to time in my newsletter, “Time for Change”, and explore ways to get that ember glowing. We can also discuss what happens when it’s been blown out completely and what you can do to start a new flame in old ashes.

You can subscribe at the sign up box on any of the pages on this site or by clicking here.

If you don’t know what to do – do nothing!

dave@thedisquiet.com — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 15:08:59 +0000

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Wise Inaction: Knowing when not to act

“What should I do?” My client was almost begging me for an answer. He was really frustrated. “I keep playing the pros and the cons out about taking the new position and I can argue both ways! This is driving me crazy!!!! I need to stop feeling like I am dying in my job, I need something fresh. But I don’t know about this offer. The money’s good and I need the change, but I’ve heard the boss is a jerk and others have left because of him. But I need to do something! I have to make a decision now and get on with it!”

“Do you?” I asked. He looked at me with surprise and a touch of annoyance. “What if you didn’t do anything….for a while?” I thought he was going to slug me.

Have you ever been in a situation like my client’s? Locked up in total stalemate about a decision? You feel the pressure to get into action, but what action? You can argue both sides and it makes you want to throw something in frustration. My client was desperate to get into action – almost any action at this point.

A lot of us, especially us men, are hard-wired to get into action - fast. It’s what we do. And it’s helped us get to where we are today – both the successes and the screw-ups. But there are times when the smartest thing to do is not jump into action, but wait and learn more about the situation.

When you get to the point where you feel desperate to just make a move on something, and are willing to do anything just to get moving….DON”T! That’s right, don’t do anything….for the moment.

I know there are a lot of strategies out there for quickly getting into action. The wisdom being that if you get moving, you can always make course corrections. And that wisdom is good, but not all the time.

There is another part to “Wise Action” that most folks miss. And that is, knowing when not to act. That is “Wise Inaction”.

In working with the Disquiet, either in myself or with others, I often see the strong urge we have to quickly make changes to “fix” the pain of the Disquiet. I have quite a laundry list of actions I took because I felt that if I just made it different, I’d feel better. I have quit jobs to take bad ones, left relationships, started others, bought expensive toys, signed up for year-long programs, and even entered into some questionable medical treatment programs, all to help “fix” the “problem”.

At the time, I patted myself on the back because I took action. I did something about it. And later, the very pain I was trying to get rid of was back and often on top of the burden and additional suffering of whatever I had gotten myself into.

When it comes to the Disquiet, fast action is usually not the wisest course of action. In fact, it often compounds the problem. I have written here a lot about how I believe the midlife crisis is a result of not engaging the Disquiet. I believe this jumping into action and re-action is a key contributor to a midlife crisis. .

So what am I recommending? What are you supposed to do when you are like my client up there who is struggling? Wait. Don’t jump into action. Not yet.

Hold off on your desire to do something to alleviate your suffering. Don’t jump into making big changes in your life. If there is any action to take, it’s not on the outside; it’s on the inside – with yourself. You must engage your Disquiet. You want to learn or “hear” the message that’s in your uneasiness. The pain is there for a reason – it’s a signal that something is out of whack. Don’t be like some doctors who are quick to prescribe pain-killers instead of looking at the underlying cause.

You need to ask questions and wait for the answers. What is my unease trying to tell me? What is the longing that hasn’t surfaced? What do I keep ignoring? What is being smothered or buried that is a key part of who I am and what I’m about? You want to work with that before rearranging the deck chairs of your life. You have some thinking, uncovering and learning to do before you change jobs, relationships, cities, etc. If not, you will feel the same nagging unease re-surface – again and again.

This “wise action of taking no action” can be helpful in other parts of your life as well. The next time you feel stalemated by both sides of a decision and you are really feeling pressured to just to get on with it, ask yourself “Do I have all of the facts?” And I mean the real, verifiable facts, not what you think or assume. If you don’t, go get them.

And if you have all the information you can get and are still stuck, WAIT. Something needs to happen or show up that will then crystallize what you need to do.

This became a guiding principle I use a lot now: If I don’t know what to do and I have looked at both sides as best I can, I may need to wait. I will wait and watch for something to shift or unfold. Then I trust I know what I will need to do.

The next time you are stuck and your head is screaming to make a decision, take a deep breath and ….wait! And be on the lookout for something happening, changing or showing up that will make the decision much easier to make. That is wise in-action.

Try it! Let me know what happens. Post your comments or questions below.

Dr Hal Shares his Disquiet

dave@thedisquiet.com — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 03:46:05 +0000

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Yesterday, I had the privilege of interviewing Dr Hal Sommerschield. as part of my ongoing study about the Disquiet in men. He was very generous in discussing his experiences with his Disquiet. I want to share what he had to say about his interview as he published it on his blog today.

Dr Hal, as he is known, is an fascinating guy. He is a clinical psychologist who has studied how people change. He has developed some innovative change programs called mental fitness training, which you can read about at his site, www.northstarmentalfitnessblog.com.

Dr Hal described his own Disquiet on his blog. He wrote:

“Inside me, I had and have wonderful thoughts, insights, feelings and dreams. I learned to nurture the inner and real me, while concealing the real me from others. This began my disquiet. A process was started that is difficult to stop.

As I grew up the inner me was not accepted or validated. I felt like I didn’t fit, while everybody thought I was comfortable, because I acted like my hands fitted perfectly the gloves of their expectations”

This is similar to many other men’s accounts of their Disquiet. Many trace their earliest recognition of their unease back into to their childhood. We often think about the Disquiet as a Mid Life Crisis, an adult issue. But more and more, I am hearing stories about earlier brushes with it, usually revolving around two issues: not fitting in or not being who they really are. And this suffering, just like the adult experiences, is done mostly in silence.

Dr Hal describes what he learned in working with his Disquiet:

“Dave asked me what I do to quiet my disquiet? When he interviewed me, I forgot to tell him about my wife. She amazed me. She accepted me. She validated me. She was excited about my wonderful thoughts, insights, feelings and dreams. She quieted my disquiet and still has the power to do so.

This is what I want and need to do to reduce my disquiet:

Talk about the inner me with my wife and those who accept me

Don’t share my inner self with those who don’t care;

Don’t work or associate with people who only are concerned about their [own] expectations;

Have the courage to live my life according to my expectations;

Express my inner life in my relationships, activities and goals;

Listen to music;Make time for play, fun and relationships.

Dr Hal continues, “I don’t want to convey that I am “perfect” in reducing my disquiet. Sometimes, I am very successful and at other times I’m not. I must learn to recognize my disquiet as a call for actively applying one of my solutions for reducing my disquiet or for caring for me. I can only have happiness, peace of mind, freedom and control over my life, when I am connected to the real me and those who care.

I know I Live within the Environment Created by My Choices!”

Dr Hal, thank you for sharing your experiences so other people can learn.

My study continues. I interview on average 4-5 men a month. When I hit 100 interviews, I will pause and write a formal study that will also lead to a book. If you would like to be interviewed, I would love to hear your story. I am collecting basic demographic information for the study, but can easily keep your identity confidential if you like. Some men prefer to stay confidential, others are enjoying the exploration the interview affords, and are sharing it in their world. They have given me permission to identify them. So from time to time I will feature their story here.

If you would like to be interviewed, shoot me an email !

Technorati : baby boomer, career coaching, coaching, life changes, life coaching, men s issues, mens issues, midlife, midlife crisis, mlc

Passing on your wisdom….what would you say?

dave@thedisquiet.com — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 16:00:11 +0000

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My sons are young men nearing 20 and 17. Some would say a dad’s influence and ability to teach their children anything at these ages is pretty much over. I disagree. There are still things to learn about life and about how to be good men.

There are not many rituals or other ways that society has to mark a boy’s transition into manhood these days. Being able to vote, serve in the military, and be prosecuted as an adult are pretty much the only markers of achieving adulthood. What about manhood? What is the rite of passage? And what transmission of knowledge about what it means to be a good man occurs? What is my role as a father to teach his boys how to be men?

I was moved recently when I read a NY Times article, entitled “From Father to Son” by Dana Canedy. Army First Sgt. Charles King started writing in a journal for his soon-to-be born son in case he never returned from duty in Iraq. He didn’t. He was killed last October.

An excerpt from the article:

On paper, Charles revealed himself in a way he rarely did in person. He thought hard about what to say to a son who would have no memory of him. Even if Jordan will never hear the cadence of his father’s voice, he will know the wisdom of his words.

“Never be ashamed to cry. No man is too good to get on his knee and humble himself to God. Follow your heart and look for the strength of a woman.”

Charles tried to anticipate questions in the years to come. Favorite team? I am a diehard Cleveland Browns fan. Favorite meal? Chicken, fried or baked, candied yams, collard greens and cornbread. Childhood chores? Shoveling snow and cutting grass. First kiss? Eighth grade.

In neat block letters, he wrote about faith and failure, heartache and hope. He offered tips on how to behave on a date and where to hide money on vacation. Rainy days have their pleasures, he noted: Every now and then you get lucky and catch a rainbow.

What Charles did for his son rekindled the same idea I had wanted to do for a long time for my boys – to write a journal for them. This article reminded me I should start it. I may not be in harms way at the moment, but who knows when I will be gone? What could I have said or shared that would help them as well as a way to connect?

Imagine for a moment how you might have felt if you had a journal written to you by your dad. This book full of pages of his handwritten accounts of his day, sprinkled here and there with tips, lessons and warnings. What an amazing connection to him through his words and a chance to see life through his eyes. I think I would have been comforted as well as informed.

Real-life examples and the wisdom from the trenches of life are powerful. Can you imagine learning from the bad choices and the sharing in the celebration of the good ones from your dad?

So I am starting a journal for my sons. Don’t get me wrong, I have great conversations with both of them and I’m not suggesting trading real life interactions for a diary. But truthfully, there often seems little time to talk about the big issues. To rise above the logistics of the day to day and talk about life is more of a special, isolated occasion. Not that I am some philosopher, able to create profound passages. But I have some things to share. And I am comforted that there is a way for us to connect long after I am gone.

An interesting thing has happened since I thought about starting this journal for my sons. In thinking what I would want to write, I find myself wanting to talk with them more often. I share more of what I think about an issue, tell a story about something I did, or just re-enact some old adventure. So this idea of writing for them has connected us more today.

I guess that is what happens when you start seriously looking at what your legacy could be for your kids. A double benefit: improving the quality of your relationship today while creating a way to contribute and connect after you are gone. That is a pretty good return on investment!

I invite you to at least think about what are some of the things you would want to tell your son or daughter. And for your son, what could you share from your own life that would help him navigate the waters of becoming a man? Tell him.

“Bah Humbug!” A Holiday First Aid List

dave@thedisquiet.com — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 03:09:54 +0000

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Disquiet and the Holidays

Alister Sim as Scrooge
1951
www.cedmagic.com

I want to just go to an island without colored light-strings, department store carols, or the TV screaming at me to buy stuff at 1am for the best deals. I don’t want to watch all my favorite shows get mushy and sugary with fake snow and jingle bells in their soundtracks.

I actually seem angry when I daydream about Christmases past. I can’t seem to connect to anything good about it at all. So strange! I remember last Christmas when I was singing carols, buying Starbucks for strangers and loving every ritual and icon. What’s wrong with me?

Have you ever felt that way? Felt totally out of step with where everyone else seemed to be? Like the whole world was happy and you weren’t?

After working with my Disquiet™ for years now, I recognize what is happening and know what to do. But in holidays past, I was confused and worried. And that only added about a ton of weight to an already overwhelming load of unease.

What’s happening with you? Are you like me, totally overwhelmed by a killer work schedule that crammed 4 months of work between November and now?

Or are you struggling with that undercurrent of unease that really seems to ramp up at this time of year? Between the marketing of family and happiness, and the mortality reminder of another year ending, there are a lot of swirling concerns about where you are not where you thought you would/should be in your life, where it’s going, and what it all means.

I have known that part as well. From my own journey, as well as working with my clients, I developed a Holiday First-Aid List to help engage what is happening in a productive and helpful way.

Stop fighting it: What is the truth about how you feel? Turn into it, not away from it. If you feel lost, anxious, grumpy, or exhausted, say that is what you are to yourself. Don’t pretend.
Get moving, don’t sit around: Stop the moping and inactivity. At least walk. Do anything to get the body moving. If you have been isolated, get into the world. If you have been overwhelmed by social contacts, get quiet. Change the pattern, but move your body.
Leave it or engage it - not the Disquiet, the holiday: Try either option in your imagination and see which one seems right to you. If the holiday is dead for you - call it’s time of death and do what you want to do. If that doesn’t seem right for you, decide you will find a way to actively be in the it (see step 6).
Give something - anything to somebody: This is a critical piece for tons of reasons. Give a gift, a dollar, time, help, anything. Find a way to give something of yourself. It doesn’t have to be big and it shouldn’t be splashy. Just give. It is a must for your heart - and your soul. Remember that book several years ago - “Random Acts of Kindness“? Do one of those.
Either make a meaningful retreat, or
Follow Ebenezer’s steps: You can turn this time into a wonderful and heart-felt experience of quiet, solitude, reflection and nourishment. Go on a personal retreat - either in your home or go find a quiet place. Unplug every distraction. Read, meditate, walk, pray, journal, listen to music. Make this a gift for yourself. Or, if it feels right and you intend to celebrate the season, follow Ebenezer Scrooge’s footsteps. Do what he did. Don’t know what he did? Then your homework assignment is rent the movie, “A Christmas Carol “, and watch him. It works!

In my case, this Christmas season snuck up on me. Starting this new focus in my business, working through some health issues, and managing an usually loaded work schedule all ganged up on me. I am frazzled and need R&R. So I know what I need to do and have put these steps in motion. And they’re working! I noticed, and really hung out with, the feelings of increased stress and anxiety. I interrupted a pattern of being isolated because of a lot of computer time and little real-world time. I did some high quality, low quantity and careful gift buying. And I found some ways to really contribute and support my significant-other in her work.

Worked like a charm! Yesterday I caught myself actually whistling and humming some carols, I cooked up a holiday kind of meal, and I felt joy in my heart. My sense of this Holiday season on this year in my life will be what ever it is. It will be unlike any other. I will be awake and open to my experience of it.

So engage your Disquiet. Be real. Be well.

Happy Holidays!

Technorati : baby boomer, coaching, life changes, life coaching, mens issues, midlife, midlife crisis, mlc