There are three aspects to confidence that create a cycle towards building more of it.  Responsibility is about trusting ourselves to handle any situation we come across.  Authenticity is about knowing who we are and being willing to operate in accordance with that.  Consciousness is how we become more of who we are. 

1. Responsibility

   Responsibility, in this context, is self-trust.  This is “the trait of being answerable to someone for something.”  In this case, I am talking about being answerable to yourself.  Do you see yourself as being able to respond in any situation?  No matter how scary, embarrassing, or difficult a situation in which you may find yourself, can you see yourself as capable of making it through?

   You can increase your sense of responsibility by improving your relationship to yourself.  This is the relationship upon which all others are founded.  How much time do you spend honoring yourself?  Enjoying yourself?  Applauding, validating, and giving feedback to yourself?  Start to think of your relationship with yourself as the most important relationship you can foster.

   When you trust yourself to respond, you’re more likely to actually respond as you said or thought you would.  Then, others trust you more, and you trust in yourself more as a result.  The next time around, you’ll trust yourself even more, and the cycle continues to deepen and deepen.
    

2. Authenticity

   Authenticity is about embracing who you already know you are.  It builds on the sense that you trust yourself to respond, and informs how you respond.

   The words authenticity and author have the same root.  You are in the driver’s seat, writing the script.  You are the authority over yourself.  When you abdicate your authority to someone else (your employer, spouse, spiritual community, etc.) you give up the authorship on your life.

   Increase your ability to be authentic by noticing your own symptoms of in-authenticity.  When are you not being yourself, and how do you know?  What are the circumstances that create this?  When you can identify how you tend to get to an inauthentic place, then you’ll know how to prevent it in the future.

3. Consciousness

   Consciousness is about becoming more of who you are.  Become aware of why you operate the way that you do so that you can become a better (more whole) version of yourself.

   If you stop to think about the people in your life whom you deeply admire, what is it about them that appeals to you?  The qualities you describe are actually parts of yourself that you see in them.  Think about it – if we took that same person and asked someone else they know to describe them, chances are their list would be different from yours.  You are seeing parts of yourself in this person.

   Now, maybe you didn’t know that this quality about someone else that moved you was a part of yourself.  When I first tried this exercise, I described my sister as “charming”.  When my coach told me that I was also charming, I wrinkled up my nose and dismissively said, “I am nowhere near as charming as her!”

   The things you see in others which deeply affect you (positive or negative) are parts of your unconscious self that we project onto those other people. By reclaiming these qualities as parts of who you are, you raise your consciousness.  Using the world as a mirror like this is a difficult and rewarding way to live.  You deepen your relationship with yourself by being open to learning more about who you are. 

 “As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you – the first time around.”  Oprah articulates here the benefit of being responsible, authentic, and conscious: more of your choices and actions will align with who you are, resulting in a more confident human experience.

Three ways to speak your truth with greater ease and confidence:

1) Set lots of context

The way you frame some uncomfortable truth can make it feel less uncomfortable for you, and help you feel less like you’re creating discomfort in the others. You may start with something like “I’m going to say something that you may not want to hear, but it’s important to me and to our relationship to be able to be completely straight with you.”

2) Keep it on you

After all, it’s YOUR truth. It’s your interpretation, it’s your reaction. Careful, this doesn’t mean couching your statement in caveats; it just means not attacking or blaming. You might say something like “The way you ______ caused me to feel _____”, or “I noticed that _____”.

3) Show appreciation

Finish with appreciation. Tell the person receiving your truth how much you appreciate being able to share honestly with them. This can call them to rise up and respond with compassion rather than reacting.

The effect of executing the three steps above is powerful. Stand taller in who you are and relish in the relief, peace, and joy from doing so.

1. Reframe your role
   As we imagine ourselves as leaders, the picture often comes with unarticulated assumptions, judgments, beliefs about what our roles are, and are not, about. Is your role as leader to delegate, motivate, inspire, redirect, dictate, or teach? What does it include and what is outside boundaries of your leadership?

   A collaborative leader sees their role as a facilitator and coach. It is not one of control or dictatorship, but one of guidance and empowerment. A facilitator (note the root word facile) is someone who makes it easier for others to do their jobs effectively; someone who enables work to be accomplished.

   Think of your leadership role as one of coach and facilitator.

2. Be explicit
   You can help someone else be more effective by being explicit. About everything. Be explicit about your intentions and motivations for sharing information, your expectations, your disappointment and excitement about someone’s performance.

   Collaboration requires transparency. People can’t work together if they’re not on the same page, and they won’t be on the same page if you’re not explicit about the work. Often we don’t even notice when we’re being implicit because it’s so ingrained in our work culture to limit people’s exposure to information. Simply start to notice when you’re leaving certain things implicit. See what happens when you simply make something that is typically left implicit explicit.

3. Set the context
   In order to trust a situation and to understand how they fit into it, people need to have the background information. Every situation has context, and making that context explicit helps create environments of trust and safety, thus fostering growth and development. This is one way to be explicit, and it also helps you practice your emotional awareness.
4. Tune in emotionally
   Emotional intelligence is absolutely essential to effective leadership. If you are in touch with them, your emotions can serve as a weathervane for the stickiest of leadership situations. Your emotions can also be the messenger of your intuition. Harnessed constructively, the wisdom contained within emotions can benefit the tough conversations you have to have with those around you.
5. Build and maintain ownership
   People know when something is theirs. It is usually an easy, intuitive process to decide if something is ours. Is the computer on which you’re reading this article yours? How about the chair you’re sitting in? It becomes a little trickier when you’re assessing your ownership of an intangible object. For example, is this article yours? You might think no, because you didn’t write it, but I did give it to you. How about your most recent meeting at work? Was that your meeting, or were you just showing up to someone else’s meeting?

   Building joint ownership for work products and processes is critical to leading collaboratively. If you can help encourage people to really own their work, the rest falls in place because people care for what they own.

6. Hold people accountable
   Some leaders assume that collaborative teams are always easy on each other because collaboration can have a warm and fuzzy connotation. In reality, the opposite is true. High performing collaborative teams hold each other accountable, are candid about their desires and limitations, and have open relationships rich with feedback – both the positive and negative kind.

   It is not easy to belong to a collaborative team where each contributor is required to show up to both themselves and the team in a way they hadn’t before. Create a high accountability environment for the best results. People will start to step up, and they’ll also think twice before committing to something, therefore becoming more impeccable with their word.

7. Assume the best
   Collaborative teams don’t rely on someone’s authority to get work done. They rely on cohesion and joint ownership among the team. Even if you are in a position of authority, relying on your authority to convince others to perform is draining and ineffective.

   Assuming the best about people’s intentions can help you take proactive measures to help others do good work. If someone is defensive, they’re probably feeling attacked. If someone is withdrawing, they probably feel disconnected. If someone is not meeting their goals, they probably need more guidance or support. When others appear to be a certain way, look at the problem from the perspective of what you can do to help it, and assume the best about the person. It will result in getting the best from them

Leading from a collaborative paradigm can feel like more work up front, but is easier and more rewarding in the long run.

What is so hard about not knowing? What is challenging about living at peace with the open-ended unknown?

Why can the unknown future be so scary sometimes? We can plan something out, but usually it is just for our own comfort so we think we know what will happen. Rarely does it turn out as we imagined, showing that the plan in our head was simply to satisfy the need to think we knew. Think back to a time when you didn’t know what the future held. And now that future has passed. Think of how it turned out, and how you’re okay now. This is where not knowing, and how we deal with that, has the most significance.

We want to operate in a framework because it helps us feel like we’re in control. We want plans, we want answers.

Let’s distinguish though between intentionality, setting an intention for the future, and planning, laying out the future happenings. Planning, which does have its place for organization, efficiency, and coordination’s sake, is also there to serve the need to know. Intentionality, on the other hand, involves holding a vision for yourself and believing it. Having an intention does not rely on details. Having an intention and sharing it with others is a call for making your mark on the world.

When most of our actions stem from fear, it drives us to want to control our environments. In order to do this we acquire knowledge and gather information. Inherent in this method is energy seepage because we’re constantly searching for information to add to our knowledge bank.

One form that our ‘knowing’ takes is in making conclusions. Making small conclusions about other people without all of the necessary information is also known as judging. Making conclusions does just that: it concludes an idea. It closes us to the possibilities.

Inner peace – and the resulting sustainable energy – begins with openness. What does it take to be at peace with the unknown? One word: Trust. Trust in God, the divine, serendipity, the universe, or whatever you want to call your spiritual guidance. Or, if you believe that it’s all under your control: trust in your future self, that you’ll know what to do when the moment arises.

If you want to learn, be willing to not know, because not knowing is where learning begins. Curiosity, questions, and inquiry all invite learning. Learning allows us to shift our observations so that we may learn more. Every time we extend our own world, we realize how much we don’t know, and so getting comfortable with not knowing is essential to learning more. It’s important to ‘not know’ in peace.

When we’re comfortable with everything we don’t know, and begin to believe that it’s not just about knowledge and years of experience, questions flow more freely, our inhibitions lower, our interactions are enriched because we’re able to be more present. We become open to experiencing what surrounds us, instead of deciding we know and forming conclusions about what surrounds us.

What tool does being okay with the unknown give us? Questions, questions, questions. Ask questions. Ask not for the sake of knowing the answer! Ask for the sake of asking. Questions are so much more powerful than answers because they open us to immense possibilities.

We can’t even begin to guess where life will take us. That mystery can be exciting and invigorating, or scary. It’s our choice. We guide the general direction through our interests and intentions, but the bumps and forks along the way are all to be determined. Enjoy the ride!

First, let’s get something cleared up. Being an introvert does NOT mean that you lack social skills. I’ll repeat: being introverted does not mean that you aren’t a “social” person. We all are. Being an introvert simply means that you get your energy from within – when you need to recharge, you find a way to be alone. Being around people tends to use our energy, rather than charge us up. That’s all.

So all you closet introverts can come out now. If you can embrace your introversion, you’ll see that there are true benefits to being one: you tend to have a solid relationship with yourself, you’re grounded and sensitive to your surroundings, and you value deeper connections, to name a few. Embracing your introversion means you’ll be able to leverage it in networking situations. The five tips below show you how.

1. Arrive ready
As introverts, this type of engagement tends to use up our energy, so make sure you have a surplus when you arrive! Be well rested, well fed, and well hydrated. And if you notice you’re missing one of those things, excuse yourself for a 5-minute timeout and take care of yourself. Then you can re-focus your energy on your new friends rather than on your growling stomach.

2. Think quality, not quantity
Already, your being an introvert is advantageous. Because we tend to prefer fewer, deeper relationships rather than numerous casual acquaintances, we can bring that desire into a networking situation. No one has said the key to networking successfully is to get as many business cards as you can in the least amount of time. If you’re having a great conversation with someone, then stay put!

Let your goal be to make one solid connection for the evening that you’ll want to continue into the future. If it’s a multiple-day event, make your goal 3 – 4 solid connections. Now you can relax. Let go of the need to compete for contacts and let fate do its work in deciding the few people you’ll get to truly know.

3. Stay curious
Introverts tend to prefer intimate, deep conversation rather than superficial small talk, which is one we reason we are typically allergic to networking. But how to come up with things to talk about that will get you past the small talk smokescreen? Fear of small talk is exactly why I used to get stuck in the “I don’t feel like going” rut. I got out of it by staying curious.

Human beings are naturally curious creatures, so once you learn to listen to your inner curiosity, it will be your ally in carrying the conversation. The person you’re chatting with has a rich life story with details you can’t begin to imagine! Find out about it. Staying connected to your natural curiosity will help you stay engaged during the event.

4. Get real
When you’re doing all the curiosity-searching and questioning, make it juicy! Take risks! Dance next to the line – without crossing it, of course. Let this “stranger” know that you are a real person – sometimes with family tiffs, parking tickets, and pet peeves! It will lighten the mood, foster trust, and be something to help them remember you.

If you’re someone who finds networking boring, this tells me that you need to move WAY closer to this proverbial line I’m talking about. As long as you remain respectful and avoid offending the person, this is what makes networking fun. One way to get real is to tell the truth – tell them how you really felt about the presentation, or how business is really going (without being a whiner – keep it polite and intelligent). Tell them about your trials and tribulations, or funny mishaps. Keep it short, and then ask about them. Break the ice with candor, and invite them to follow suit.

5. Follow up
This is where your efforts can really pay off, or not. The fact that we introverts tend to make fewer, closer connections makes it easier and more comfortable to follow up. Include personal touches to your follow-up email or card to avoid making this process feel too mechanical. If you followed the tips above, you should have an interesting tidbit to cite that will remind you both of your connection.

When you follow up, take initiative in getting to know the person more. I recommend doing this even if you’re not sure you want to – remember, everyone has a story and theirs is fuller than you think. If they’re local, meet for lunch or coffee. If they’re too far, send articles or tidbits when they remind you of the person. Simply sending with a note saying “this made me think of you” is enough.

Ultimately, networking doesn’t have to feel fake. Stay reminded of the original reason people decided to get together: to make connections. Let your goal be to foster true human connection, and do that the best way you know how.

1. Create a Feedback Agreement
   You won’t get very far if you just start going around declaring feedback sessions after reading this post. Creating an agreement that the entire team agrees with will establish expectations and a general level of permission to have feedback as a regular part of the conversations. Of course, your agreement will specify if permission is needed in every circumstance and when it is and is not okay to include feedback in the conversation.
2. Build a Structure in which the Feedback Process will Live
   If feedback sessions are not built into the daily, weekly or monthly rhythm of the work, then people will find reasons to be too busy to schedule them, or be at a bizarre loss for any feedback. If giving and receiving feedback is a regular part of your Monday management meeting or your monthly planning meeting, people will come to expect it as a normal, regular thing and it will lose its negative charge.
3. Understand that Giving Feedback is an act of Love

   It is just as difficult to give valuable feedback as it is to receive it. As the giver, you are putting your own ego aside and risking telling the truth to someone. This process results in a level of communication that is much more direct than we’ve become accustomed to, and refreshingly so. By choosing to engage in something as direct, valuable, and difficult as giving and receiving honest feedback, your team elevates displays “high performance” immediately. Just like any act of love, it may not be easy but the journey is rewarding and well worth it in the end.

Now, in terms of when you are actually giving feedback, there are certain guidelines that will help you do so in a way that doesn’t encourage reactions or defensiveness. Here are the three simple steps:

1. Observable behavior – Provide a clear, data-based statement, presenting it in a neutral, factual way.
2. Impact of the behavior – explain why the information is important to motivate change and provide rationale.
3. Desired behavior – provide ideas about alternative behaviors. Takes the guess work out of the requested change.

If you want even more guidance, here is a quick template for your feedback delivery:
“When you _________ (behavior)

What I’d like is _________ (desired behavior).”

Truly, we all want to know how other see us. And we all want to become better versions of ourselves. Even if team members balk at the idea of regular feedback, they will come to appreciate it and see it as essential to their working relationships.