Engineering Shenanigans

So yeah.... it's been awhile...

2011-07-13T15:55:00.005-05:00

Hello again to all 2 of you who will read this. I don't know why I haven't written a blog post in almost 3 years, but I digress. 'Tis time to get back to it!

About 7 months ago, I experienced the most exciting thing to happen to me in my engineering career thus far..... I got fired!

You may say to yourself, "How could such an epic engineer get fired? Was he TOO smart for his own good? Did he extort millions of dollars from the CEO and is now posting from his island fortress or jail cell?"

The answer is... neither. The truth is that I was let go for "financial reasons." I'm not sure how a company can let someone go nearly 3 years after the crazy financial downturn America suffered in 2008 and call it "financial reasons" but whatever. I think it had something to do with the new boss they hired who decided to cleanse our department and replace us with minions from her old company. Seriously, someone has been fired from my old department every 2 months or so since I was let go. Conspiracy much?

So after I had gone back the next day to collect my personal things and experience the most awkward goodbyes ever, I found myself in the state of unemployment. Being unemployed was really awesome for about 2 weeks. I did whatever I wanted. I watched Maury, I went all day without putting on pants, I beat video games I had been putting off, I took naps at 10:30 AM because I was tired from "all that staying awake", and finally I performed my State mandated "3 job related searches a week" in order to keep collecting my unemployment check. After that glorious 2 weeks, however, it got dull really quick.

My significant other makes enough money to constitute her wearing the pants (and belt, shoes, shirt, hat, etc.) in the family, so my income wasn't necessary to keep us going, but it severely cramped out wanna-be-yuppie lifestyle. I had to get work.... not exactly easy in an economy that hasn't quite recovered from the belly-flop it took. After the first couple of weeks I really started buckling down and looking intently for gainful employment. What I found wasn't a job.... but soul crushing disappointment.

I cannot tell you how many resumes I emailed, or how many online applications I filled out, how many "friends in the business" I talked to, but it was basically the equivalent of throwing my information in a giant black hole where nothing can escape. I would submit and application and then.... nothing. Usually not even an acknowledgement that it was received. It's hard to take after a while. I celebrated on the rare occasion that I got a rejection email. At least it was something.

I was unemployed for almost exactly 3 months. During this time period, I probably send emails to or filled out applications for at least a 100 firms in the metroplex in which I live. Of those, I probably actually heard back from around 20, and most of those were automatic responses. And of those, I was only offered employment at 1 - which I immediately jumped on. The job wasn't quite in the same field I had been working in, and I had to take a pay cut, but it is a job. That's all I could ask for.

The one upside of this new job (besides the paycheck, which isn't huge, but maybe big enough to take back the belt or maybe hat from my spouse, but definitely not the pants) is that I have upgraded from a cube to an office. I suspect new shinanigans will ensue from that alone. However, before I was "let go" at my old firm, I HAD upgraded from a interior cube to a cube by a window (seriously... ballin') and now, even though I have an office, its an interior office and I have no windows... so it's almost more prison-like than my cube was. An office does allow me to listen to music without headphones though, so that is pretty cool. I have my own personal flash-rave at around 2:30 everyday to breakup the afternoon.

If you're ever in the area, feel free to come trance out with me in my office/nightclub.

Uhn-tssss Uhn-tssss Uhn-tssss Uhn-tssss Uhn-tssss Uhn-tssss

This is about when my brain quits on me

2009-05-11T15:46:00.001-05:00

Sarcastic Comment About the Economy Here

2009-03-11T11:25:00.002-05:00

Yes, thanks to the economy there is little to no work to be done at work. Aside from worrying about if I’ll even have a job at the end of the year, how long my savings will last before I have move back in with my parents, and why I can never remember the conversion factor for converting square feet to acres, I now have to keep busy during work hours by reading up on local cities’ drainage ordinances and learning the many complex functions of AutoCAD Civil 3D. This requires a new level of self-motivation and endurance to keep from nodding off, daydreaming about the tastiness of Oreos, facebook stalking, reading Chuck Norris facts, and writing in your blog. I’m only human (on weekdays).

In case you didn’t know, Civil 3D is the greatest. I can say this because I have no knowledge or exposure to any other drafting programs. As I read and work through the various tutorials, I can’t help but conclude that some functions just aren’t worth learning. Like the stuff that takes so long to just set up that you could have easily used a couple of polylines and a calculator to come up with the same result 1000 times faster. Sure, Civil 3D provides a bunch of detailed and specific data about surfaces and volumes, but I don’t need it. I have come to the conclusion that the insane complexities of autocad are the result of a few disgruntled drafters who decided they were smart enough to create a program that only a few people understand so they could feel important. I’m onto you, CAD monkeys. This is why I’m taking the time to learn all your tricks (and because I don’t have anything else to do).

Nothing Like Starting the Day Off Right

2009-01-19T12:39:00.001-06:00

Eng-jitsu, or The Art of Fighting with a Smile

2008-12-30T00:32:00.007-06:00

Two great warriors meet on the battlefield known as Large Conference Room, they are known by many names, but here, they reveal their true forms. The Consultant and the Client. They are not friends, yet they are not enemies. They toe a very delicate line in nature. The two depend on each other and they can be very powerful allies, or the worst of enemies if the fragile balance is upset.

Being an engineer is more than just writing equations and solving problems. It is just as much a PR job. Before becoming a "professional," young engineers will almost solely devote their career to design and CAD work, but if they wish to move up the corporate food chain, they must learn about public relations and how to deal with an argumentative and/or uncooperative client.

One of the most advanced skills that more experienced engineers learn is how to argue with a client. Arguing with a client is a very delicate task. On one hand, you want to prove that your point of view is right, but on the other hand, you don't want to get fired.

Some tips for young engineers who want to master this skill of arguing with a client:

-Smile. The bigger and more obnoxious the better
-Remember that the client is almost never right, but has the power to fire you
-Use phrases like "with all due respect," or "if I may say so." Using these phrases makes it seem like what you're saying is not insulting, even if you just rattled off 10 straight "Yo Mama" jokes.
-Make jokes as un-funny and out of date as possible.
-Smile because you're wearing the most expensive suit in the room... just like you planned.
-Stretch out awkward pauses as long as possible. This will not only make the client uncomfortable, but also alienate anyone else in the room, giving you the edge.
-Never admit defeat. Use phrases like "I'll look into that" when confronted with an accusation you don't have a rebuttal for and pass the buck.
-Smile more. Now go for a creepy smile. Catch 'em off guard.
-Continually bring up how good you did on past projects for them. If they disagree, they are basically calling the past projects (that they signed off on) crap.
-Remember that you are correct and upon remembering that fact.... smile.

The Wonderful Life of Graduate School

2008-12-26T14:37:00.006-06:00

Choosing to continue education is commonly seen as a smart move for future career advancements. An increased focus on an area of study and the ability to conduct research gives the engineering grad student an upper hand when looking for employment.

Right...

It is fair to say that many grad students choose to stay in school because, "Wow! I'm finished with school and I have a degree, but I totally don't feel qualified to do work that may kill people if I mess up. School is fun, responsibilities are minimal... Why ruin a good thing?" Sure, watching newly-employed friends count their mountains of cash is not fun, but hey, a research assistant stipend is enough to pay the bills and put (fast) food on the table. Plus, think of all the fun times as an undergrad! And with only three classes, there will be so much more time for fun!

The first few weeks are nice: school is not busy yet, so there is time to read ahead for the next lecture and still have free time in the evening. Advisers ensure that there is no hurry for research. Move in, get comfortable, meet the other students. Being paid to attend class is great, it just doesn't get any better than this! Think of poor friends and classmates, trapped in their tiny cubicles for at least eight hours a day. Listening to old engineers talk about how much tougher they had it in school with their slide rules and punch cards must be maddening. Hopefully a glimmer of natural light makes it to their work areas at some point during the day.

And then school becomes school again. Homework assignments are handed out at an interval so that the completion of one signals the start of another. Lab reports are due weekly, but it takes all weekend to determine what the professor wants in the report. Why are they not held to the same level of writing quality as their students? By now, tests do not bring fear. An A is out of the question, so why worry? Just show up and take the damn thing. As it turns out, three classes is more than enough work for one semester.

It soon becomes apparent that professors think of research assistants as employees first and students second. If the GPA climbs too high, "Why aren't you in the lab more? Do some research!" Asking for time off for, say, Christmas break, will certainly be met with, "Yea, I guess. You do know you only get two weeks off a year, right?"

Let's not forget the all important part of research: learning to research. A few motivated students had gained coveted undergrad research positions and are prepared, but most grad students are initially completely lost in the lab. Don't worry, there are people willing to help. With luck, they are fellow grad students who teach methods and procedures in lab and also give good insight on schoolwork. With no luck, they are undergrad students. They are not employees, and their work is not necessary for a thesis and subsequent graduation. In other words, they are more worried over their classes than helping explain lab techniques. Don't think about calling with an important lab emergency question, they are much too busy hanging out with friends in some café to take the call. Isn't it ironic that graduating with an engineering degree, doing something less than 0.5% of the US population has achieved, is a prerequisite for being the assistant to an undergrad researcher?

Fortunately, the lab reports end, the final exams are taken, and the lowest GPA of any semester becomes the one of most pride. A few good weeks spent sleeping until noon makes the frightening memories of school fade away and maybe brings a little pity for the friends and classmates who have already been awake for five hours, drinking commercial grade coffee in order to make it to lunch (it's probably not fair trade, shade grown, or organic...). Somewhere in the dark corners of the mind lies the awareness that school will return, its inevitability lurking closer with every day. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, that semester will finally end, bringing graduation day just a little bit closer, just beyond the thesis defense. What a happy day getting a real job will be!

Oh Contractors

2008-12-11T10:35:00.002-06:00

There's nothing that can make you feel like all the work you do is pointless quite like doing an As-Built. You know, when you have mark up your original plans to reflect how they were actually built.

You start to notice little things like discrepancies in elevations. Okay so maybe you didn't need to get so precise when you were checking things to 2 decimal places. A few tenths off here and there aren't disasters. I can handle that the stationing is slightly off too. But then you just shake your head. The sidewalk location is 6 feet off and it seems the contractor extended paving 40 feet beyond what you had designed. I just don't know how this happens; the plans are clearly dimensioned off of existing monuments and bench marks. And now your client is footing the bill for some worthless paving with some subgrade that costs $60+ per sy.

Oh yeah and the building is also 25 ft off. But you already knew that. The contractor insisted that they didn't need your reliable surveyor to stake building coordinates. Which means all that paperwork you did for the public easements and other public areas will have to be modified because they are no longer in the right shape or location. You can at least breathe a sigh of relief that the actual finished floor is not lower than what you designed. Otherwise you'd rip your hair out. And the sewer and waterline are in the right place. Your reliable surveyor was able to bring some justice to your original plans.

You'll finish these plans in a few hours and get back to engineering new plans. Your perfectionism will be a little hurt, but you'll eventually become anal again.

Until the process repeats itself.

New Engineer Shopping Guide

2008-12-07T22:12:00.004-06:00

Congratulations! You just got hired! Your parents are proud, Grandma is proud, even your deadbeat cousins are impressed*. Stick your chest out young man/lady. You've earned it.

*However, fellas, that girl from high school.... you know, the one who dated only losers?..... Remember how you told yourself she would come crawling back to you once you started making "the big bucks?"..... she isn't impressed and has forgotten all about you.

Now, I know you want to go to straight to Staples and buy t-squares, TI-89's and engineering scales, but let me, and engineer that has been in the world for a while, save you a lot of time and money. I'll break down what you need and what you don't need.

Things you don't need:

1.) Graphing calculator. All engineers love their calculators. They all have stories about the time their TI-89 saved them on a Calc III exam. (i.e. "If my calculator hadn't been able to take a double trigonometric integral in radians I totally wouldn't have passed.) In college, our calculator is our lifeline. Our one hope and lone friend in a tough exam. Newly hired engineers usually have a special place reserved in their heart for their HP 50g or TI-83+. I know I did.

However, in real world engineering, you will most likely never see an integral or derivative. You will not be calculating interest or probability. You will not be graphing functions of Y or any other letter for that matter. Many of the engineers that I respect do amazing work on calculator with a 10-digit display. If you have plus, minus, times, divide and square root function, you can solve 99% of your problems. My advice? Use that crappy calculator they were giving out at the career fair. Save your money.

2.) Drawing tools. I know you envision yourself bent over a set of plans late at night... clear green visor on your head, compass in one hand, t-square in the other, cigarette dangling from your lips. This is all Ayn Rand's fault. (You know you read half of The Fountainhead.) She put it in our heads that this is what people in the architecture and engineering fields look and act like.

In real life, you will need a straight edge and a pen. Any straight edge will work. Any pen will work. Most likely they will both be provided by the company.

Welcome to the 21st century. All drafting is digital and soon you it will be second nature. Little by little I find that the concept of "pencil and paper" is becoming more foreign to me.

3.) A new wardrobe. I fell into this money-sink myself. You think that now that you have a REAL job, you need professional clothes. You go buy slacks and have them custom fitted for you by a tailor. You buy a random assortment of colored ties because "you want to impress your boss." Then your first day of work arrives.... you have carefully primped yourself and put on the outfit that inspires confidence... you are ready to impress the crap out of every one.... and then you walk into your office and the PE with 10 years of experience is wearing jeans and a stained polo. What the.....? You just spent $500 on clothes that will make you seem incredibly over-dressed.

My advice: When interviewing the question of office attire will inevitably come up. Take whatever he/she says and dress one step below it. In reality, most managers don't care about your attire all that much as long as you don't dress like a hobo in front of a client.

Now for the things your DO need.

1.) Some sort of mirror or object with a reflective surface. All cubicles are set up so that anyone can walk up behind you and see what your are working on while you are oblivious to their presence. The only defense you have against the unexpected-boss-pop-in-while-you-were-checking-Woot is advance warning. Place the mirror or other reflective object on top of your monitor so that you know who's behind you at all times.

2.) ONE interesting knick-knack. Notice that I put the word "one" in all caps. It is important that you only have one because any more than that and it looks like you play with toys all day. The single knick-knack has only one purpose: Breaking the ice with a senior manager, firm principal or vice-president that happens to mosey through your office.

Face it, we all want to move up in the world and we all know that it's not about what you know, it's who you know. Here's how it works. Big boss guy walks by your cube, asks about knick-knack. You have a short conversation and then BAM! He remembers your name at the company Christmas party and forgets the names of all the other schlubs you work with.

That's it. That's all you need. Everything else is either superfluous or unnecessary. Now go get 'em tiger!

Higher Education

2008-12-04T13:46:00.006-06:00

On top of moving to an Arctic climate for school, studying chemistry and biology with a civil engineering background now looks to be a bit questionable. Lucky for me, my chemistry professor has really helped to clarify things. Below are a few of the things I have learned this semester.

"What temperature do DVDs burn?"

"Someone who lives on Benton St. is a bentonite!"

"They don't teach this stuff, gotta go to MacGyver University!"

"All you have to remember is where the nuts are stored... in a book. That's how Bill Gates got famous."

"As you start to cook, start to experiment, not everything is going to come out edible."

"Some of you guys are throwing around units like a drunken sailor."

"Did any of you ever see the movie, ___________?" (Asked nearly every day)

"Dead cat bounce, make a dead horse run!"

"Dutch! Dutch or German, I can't tell the difference in those countries."

"When you see those people lathering up (using way too much sun block) and jumping in the pool, just kill them."

"A fish doesn't know moles, it knows mg/L!"

NOTE: It was actually a great class, and this side information only made the class fun. In other words, I am not a disgruntled student.

No Work Day

2008-12-03T09:52:00.003-06:00

As fantastic as a "No Work Day" sounds, it is in fact quite the opposite. As many engineers know, a NWD does not come about because your boss told you to kick back, open a cold one and watch the greatest YouTube vid ever, it happens because all of your projects are in a "holding pattern" of sorts. Whether you are waiting on a surveyor, waiting on a client, or whatever. The only thing that you really CAN do is just that.... wait. Sure, you can set up your plan sheets.... add title blocks, North arrows.... etc, etc, etc.... but then you realize that it took all of one hour to do all of that. Congratulations! You only have 7 more!

On a NWD, a young engineer must do what is possibly the most shameful thing you can do in an office environment. Ask for work. You have to drag yourself into a manager's office, stare at the floor and sheepishly ask for something to do. This usually has about a 10% success rate because when one engineer is slow on work, chances are most everyone else is slow too. If they DO have something for you to do, it's usually some extremely menial task.

Me: Uh.... I'm kinda short on work right now, is there anything I can do for you?
Boss: Well, I don't really have anything, but I do need one copy of this standard 8.5"x11" piece of paper. That oughta keep you busy.
Me: Good thing I went to college.

Just a bit of advice.... if you're keeping that fake CAD drawing open so it looks like your working, make sure and pan the screen around every so often or someone might catch on.

Bedlam Debts

2008-12-01T10:56:00.000-06:00

Five minutes after paying her Bedlam bet of coming to our office to sing Boomer Sooner:

(phone call) "Cecilia, this is Genie, now don't crack a smile. But how long do you think it will take your boss to realize he has an OSU bumper sticker on this truck?"

-Genie the billing software lady

Office Supply Day!

2008-12-01T10:37:00.002-06:00

Hooray for the holiday that comes every two weeks! It's the day that makes me look deep within myself and ask, "What is it I truly desire?" Do I need staples? Pens? Binder clips? I look around my cube/fortress and take inventory....

I don't need staples... I use somewhere from one to five staples every month (and that's because I amuse myself by using my staple remover to take out staples in different and challenging ways and end up re-stapling the same document five times).

I don't need pens. I have four Pilot Precise V5, Extra Fine pens in blue, two in black and one in red and they will most likely last me for at least three to four more years. It is a fact that these are the greatest pens in existence. If you say otherwise, it is because you have never used a PPV5EF. Go do so now and see the light. Every time I have come across someone using one, I ask them about it and the conversation always goes like this:

Me: I see you are using a PPV5EF. They are great aren't they?
Them: Yes, I love these pens more than my spouse. I'm hording them in an underground bunker in case Pilot ever goes out of business and office anarchy breaks out. I never loan one out to anyone for fear that I won't get it back.
Me: You will be a powerful ally.

(Note: When I was in college, I used Pilot G2 pens exclusively, but that was mainly because it was a "click" pen. If it had a cap I would have been searching for lost pen caps for hours on end instead of studying [read: playing World of Warcraft]. If you use a G2, I cannot fault you because they are indeed epic pens.)

When I think about the supplies I do use, well, I can't really come up with anything. I type on my keyboard, move the mouse around enough so the screen saver doesn't come on and use one pen to write down one website password on one sticky note per day.

I have a tape dispenser, but it's collecting dust. What engineer uses tape? If I accidental rip a set of plans, guess what? I have to re-plot. This isn't arts and crafts time. Same with scissors. Sometimes I use them to cut my fingernails, but hardly ever to actually cut paper (and probably after all the fingernail cutting, they couldn't cut paper anyways).

Does anyone out there know if it's possible to build a trebuchet out of office supplies? I need to be able to fling pennies at my co-worker's cube approximately 12 feet away. It doesn't need to be powerful, just accurate.

Is it possible to be sponsored by Pilot? I mean, I use their pens exclusively, and I do good work. What more of an advertisement could they want? I would wear a Pilot patch on my dress shirts or maybe wear a Pilot hat to the office. Just give me a small royalty check and all the PPV5EFs I could ever need (about ten would work), and I'm in. I'll make sure and plug your products every chance I get.

Boss: That was some barely adequate work you did on that project.
Me: I couldn't have done it without the smooth, full, and crisp lines of my Pilot Precise V5. The pen of choice for the new engineering generation. *Smile, thumbs up*
Boss: Go away.