Enginerd Girl

Middle of the night mystery...

2014-09-04T01:16:00.001-07:00

I have been awake since, at least, 3am. I really hope this day includes a nap after my nose nerve injections.

The new neighbors keep weird hours. They made a ton of noise at 3am, I woke up to a mechanical noise, then a squishy noise (you know, like a gelled liquid coming out of a rubber udder, then I heard talking/yelling, and then a car drove away.

The other night they started hammering/sawing outside our bedroom window at 10pm and Hubby went out and yelled at them. They are home ALL DAY, yet they ALWAYS start working on their yard at 7:30pm. We go lay down in bed at 8pm since hubby has to wake up super early.

Yes I am being a nosey neighbor, but they avert their eyes when anyone wants to say hello. They aren't friendly and our neighbors are FRIENDLY, these people just don't fit in. Hubby thinks they are part of WITSEC, I am beginning to think they are drug dealers. WITSEC doesn't provide that much money... They have put up a fence, filled in their yard, and are going to out in actual piping for their drainage in the front yard then out dirt over it. Sounds like a waste of money to me.

They mow twice a week. TWICE A WEEK PEOPLE! I have migraines, every single day. Lawn and mowers are the worst. They even now the empty lots across the street from them, that they don't own. We now every other week and my hubby LOVES to mow, the grass here just doesn't need it. Drives me nuts.

Yes, this is pure conjecture, but not meant to be mean, just curious. They could be aliens too and it was a spaceship I heard take off. Or vampires. I'm really trying to think of a good non-inflammatory thing I could think, but it's 4am. My brain isn't nice at 4am.i

I am a little late in this post...

2014-07-26T06:18:00.001-07:00

It's been two years since I have written anything, let alone a blog post. I am, and have been, in migraine hell for some time. Maybe blogging can help? Get rid of the feelings holding me back, writing down my stress may help alleviate it some. It's worth a shot!

So much has happened. After our wedding that Bill, AMAZING, kind, sweet mother threw us, she passed away. It was sudden, unexpected and horrible. I live every day wishing she were here. It hurts to think how much she missed out on in our lives. Our first house, the loss of an amazing dog, Krissy. And so, so much more. She was full of life. She lived each day to the fullest, loved and was loved by everyone.

I have had ear ringing for 4 weeks straight now. Trauma therapy started two weeks ago. I haven't cleaned our amazing new house in a month. I am stuck in "I want to do something but am in so much pain I can't" hell. The ear ringing started before the trauma therapy, as did the migraine, so stress is not a factor, well, it wasn't in starting it at least. The perpetual migraine is stressful in itself. I am sure that doesn't help.

I have more to say, and will, but I have family coming over. Not the blood kind, the kind you choose. The amazing friends I have is one reason I am able to keep going. That and the love of a man that is so strong, even when we fight, it's a better day than any day before him.

Thank you God for all the amazing gifts you have bestowed upon me. The strength, courage, wisdom, experiences have all made me who I am. I like who I am.

Wedding weight and women's mental illness....

2012-05-07T18:52:00.001-07:00

So, before the big day I had a migraine for two weeks prior to the wedding. Percocet and various other narcotics helped to alleviate the pain, but, as we all know, it causes other problems. Two weeks without a bowel movement. And I know, you don't care about my bowels, but I promise this turns into my most embarrassing story where everyone will be like "OMG SHE DIDN'T!"

So, I tried pill laxatives, gentle yet effective...not. I tried "the other end" version, yep, no worky. I was DESPERATE. I had a wedding dress to fit into and my belly was just getting bigger and bigger and it caused my migraine to get worse and the cycle was just awful. TWO WEEKS people. Keep in mind, desperate.

So, I decided to purchase TWO bottles of Magnesium Citrate. TWO BOTTLES. Cherry (for those that care). I decided to take said bottles at 6pm, I drank one and a half. I thought, FAST ACTING. Turns out, my plumbing was a little more backed up than expected.

Went to bed at midnight, still nothing. I thought, I'll be fine. 3am hits, I violently awake to my stomach screaming at me. Bill wakes up and lets say my RUN to the bathroom wasn't effective. Outfit #1 ruined. Bill, being the doting, loving husband he is, took my clothes, threw them out and brought me new clothes. I was there for an hour and thought for sure I was safe. Ah, the idiocy at 4am is outstanding.

6am. Screaming stomach again. Outfit #2 ruined. Again doting husband, taken care of me. This time I sleep on the bathroom floor. Shitting your pants two times in 3 hours, makes you reassess the situation!

9am. Wake up and THANK THE GOOD LORD I am in the bathroom. But, Still didn't make it. Seriously. Again, doting husband. Outfit #3 done. I ran out of clothes!

So I think I am done with my stomach issues, refuse to eat for a day but decide water is safe....not so much. UGH. Go to Target, buy all new clothes, think I'm safe.

I get talked into dinner that night. Mistake. I ended up so freaked out that I was going to ruin my new clothes that I asked Bill to run to CVS to get my adult diapers. Yep, I wore adult diapers for a night...just in case. Otherwise I was getting no sleep.

So, you think women are nuts about weddings, try living through this. I think Bill still has nightmares about the sounds he heard as I ran to the bathroom.

Wedding weight, totally not worth the pain of magnesium citrate. And I had to have my dress taken out anyway.

Facepalm.

Marriage....

2012-04-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I love my husband and although it hasn't been a year yet since we married, things between us have changed. Some for the better, some for the worst.

I bought him an Xbox 360 for his birthday this year and I feel like I've lost him now. He comes home not wanting to cuddle with me on the couch and talk about his day, he comes home and asks "Can I shoot people?" I know I bought it for him and I love that he loves the gift, but it feels like I'm second place these days. I've always said, I don't want a lot of attention from a lot of people, I just need a lot of attention from one man. I know it can be tiring, but a cuddle on the couch doesn't seem like a lot. Put our phones down, watch our favorite tv shows, and just relax. It doesn't happen like that. He's on his phone or I'm on mine or he wants to play Xbox.

I've come up with a fun way to tell him I care and I hope he uses it to do the same. I'll keep you posted.

On a side note, Wedding in 4 days! P:ics and details coming and lots of DIY wedding tips. May even start a wedding decoration company..... What do you think?

Love

2012-03-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm married to the best man I know. It wasn't an easy route to where we are. The first 3 months were a power struggle until we realized we treat each other as equals. We fought like crazy and I thought it would be easier to just end it. That was my typical response, end it. Just walk away and no one gets hurt. I'm so glad I grew up!

Bill is in NYC for 2 nights 3 days this week. I miss him so much I can't sleep in my bed. I am wearing his shirt. If you would have told me I'd be this in love to Bill 4 years ago I'd have laughed in your face.

Love, amazing and wonderful. It isn't the bear I used to think it was. I was never in love before now. Of this, I am sure.

"THE" Dress

2012-03-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

I picked up my wedding dress. MY wedding dress. My dream. My future. The rest of my life is in that dress.

Everyone says "It's all about THE dress." You'll know when you find "THE" dress. And they are right. I tried on over 30 dresses. Ones my mom cried over. Ones my sister loved. Some I liked, but didn't make me cry. Ones my friends picked and loved. But then I tried on this one. This dress made me cry. This dress made me feel 32, 6, 18, 47, 100. I saw my future, my beauty, my husband, my life my children. The dress isn't just satin and lace, it's a dream.

Two weeks ago I gave in and showed my husband "THE" dress. I convinced myself I was going to sell it for a vacation for he and I to have a honeymoon. We didn't get our original wedding. And the day we actually married, while hilarious and totally us, was also riddled with grief. We married at the Wake County Justice Center (aka Jail) on June 26th (There is a prostitute that was on the other side of the glass that I consider to be my MOH, I should have gotten her number). The "wedding" two weeks after Bill's good friend passed away. We were accompanied by my sister, her husband, my father, & my friend Kerri. (Kerri was only there because she couldn't make Las Vegas) My dad was there because he could make Las Vegas, he just didn't want to spend the money. He complained tirelessly about the money, the plane ride, the hotel, the tux (which I was told he wouldn't be wearing if he went, they couldn't afford it). My dad was there because I didn't want to hear how horrible it was to have a wedding in Las Vegas. (On a side-note, they bought a brand new cadillac shortly after, with cash. Apparently Las Vegas' hotel rooms cost way more than I had thought) My dad was there because my step-brother who raped me as a child was at his house that weekend and I wanted my dad to not be there too. I wanted him to not want that man in his house, but I'll never have the luxury. That's another part of the grief of what was our first, "real" wedding. That "real" wedding was done because we didn't want to deal with getting the license in Las Vegas and going the rigamarole that goes with it. We did it because it was the easy way and we didn't tell anyone because we wanted people to show up in Las Vegas. It wasn't a secret because of maliciousness, it was a secret because we wanted a party, a celebration of our friends and family for our future. We wanted the memories.

The Las Vegas wedding never happened. Tragically, 3 weeks prior to it Bill's father suddenly passed away. I immediately cancelled Las Vegas. Bill wasn't sure if we should, but I knew better. It wasn't a time for us, his mom needed us and everyone needed to grieve before there would be any kind of celebration. Everyone needed time to grieve and having lost a lot of family and friends before, I knew a wedding in the mix was not the brightest idea. It would have been selfish too and that's not me nor is it Bill.

So it's March now and no plans had been made for a new wedding. We couldn't pick a date, we couldn't pick a location, and Bill didn't think he wanted one without his dad there. So I decided to sell "THE" dress. My dream was crushed and I resented every second of it. I knew better, resentment wasn't right but I couldn't control it. I didn't know why I HAD to wear that dress and why I HAD to have a "real" wedding. I made up my mind and sent Bill a picture of me in "THE" dress and then posted it for sale online.

The following few days were hell. Every commercial, magazine, tv show, friend, facebook post, etc. had to do with someone's wedding, engagement, reception, etc. Every single time I heard the term "wedding" I cringed and got angry. Was I jealous? YES! Was I hurt? YES! Did feel selfish? YES. I sat and thought long and hard about it and tried to figure out the "root" of my feelings. Why was this expensive party so important? The most important thing should have been that I am married to my best friend and the best man I have ever met in my life. I then had an epiphany. A song came on by Sugarland that says "Good man but a bad year" that explains her divorce. I wasn't getting divorced, I loved him more than ever and I knew he and I could make it through anything. So why wasn't this enough for me?

"THE" dress, "THE" event, & "THE" decorations all are symbols. It doesn't matter how much you pay for it (I think our budget is like $500) it's the act. It's standing in front of your family and friends. It's toasts from your sister wishing you the best in life. It's not only "a" start to a new part of life, it's "THE" start. That's the importance. THE dress means starting over and starting with a great day, on a good note, however you want to say it, it's the rest of your life, your future children, your future house. Our "real" start wasn't pretty and our first year of marriage was one of the hardest year of our lives. We lost people we didn't think we'd lose for awhile, we were sick, we were broke, I lost my job. Giving up that dress meant giving up the dream of happiness. Having Bill is happiness, but there is something about him seeing me all dressed up and beautiful and being handed to him by my Brother-in-Law that makes it real to me. I don't need the fancy, I just need the start of a dream.

I hope this all makes sense. THE dress isn't super fancy and the party won't be either, but it's going to be the most beautiful day of our marriage and the most fantastic start. I get to "show-off" my love for Bill. People will finally see how much he means to me and that's what's important to me. That people see the future for that split second in our lives and see that he and I can do anything together. From that day forward we are never alone. We always have someone in our corner. From that day forward nothing can break us and our friends and family will see it.

The pangs of head pains...

2012-03-07T14:45:00.000-08:00

I hit my head a few weeks ago. It was quite comical. I was getting into a 2012 VW Jetta rental car and nailed my head on the car so hard my head bounced off and hit the window. I laughed about it and have until today. Today I went to the doctor and was told my left eye was drooping. DROOPING!?? It also wasn't responding to the well-known neurologist follow my finger test. So tomorrow I get an MRI and Friday I get an EEG. I'm terrified.

The questions are innumerable. Could I have had a stroke? Do I have a blood clot? Is there brain damage? Seriously, I hit my head on the side of a car. Who would have thought it would become this serious?

I'm sure I'll be fine for tonight, I'm terrified. Let's hope and pray tomorrow I'm a little more secure.

So Many Ideas, so little time...

2012-03-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

So this wedding in 6 weeks thing is hysterical. My sister has found so many cool crafty ideas! I would divulge them here now, but I want to be sure everyone is in awe the day of. Can't wait to share how to do it all!

My First Move...

2012-03-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

So, I finally did it. I made a shop on etsy. I made a page for made-to-order body butter & eyeshadow. Cross your fingers and hope it makes me some money! Not being able to drive has put a damper on my tutoring!!!

Wish me luck!

"Surprise Wedding" in 6 weeks

2012-03-04T15:49:00.003-08:00

Most of you don't know this, but our wedding was cancelled due to the death of my Father-in-law. It was sudden and devastating and happened 3 weeks prior to the date of our planned wedding. Fortunately, we married secretly months before so we didn't have to jump through the hoops in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, the first year of our marriage has been pure hell. Without my husband, I'm not sure I would have survived.

I had decided to forgo the wedding. I thought it would be too hard for everyone without Jeff and that it was selfish of me to want something when everyone lost a great man. Then I realized something. A wedding was my dream. But it wasn't for the reasons I thought it was. I thought I wanted "my day." I thought I wanted a day to look back and I was a princess. But that isn't it. A wedding is so much more than the dress and the perfect everything. It's a celebration of life. Life continues whether or not you want it to. Bill and I need a good start to our life. A good family and friend moment to share. A celebration of those gone before us and a celebration of those to come.

I want this day more than anything. But I don't want it for me anymore, I want it for everyone else. I want the company, camaraderie, love, and to show Bill how much I care about him in front of everyone.

2011-11-07T10:33:00.001-08:00

Irene

2011-08-27T13:40:00.001-07:00

Hi Irene. I'm in Raleigh and experiencing some of your wrath. Thank you for keeping me and my family safe and don't ruin NYC.

Thanks!

Rant of the week: Politics

2011-08-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I hate talking politics. I have avoided talking politics since I was a kid and my family fought every holiday over Democrats vs. Republicans. Lately, however, I find myself in a political frenzy. With the downgrade, the stock crash, etc. I realize how important it is to talk about it. Enlighten people. The latter is the hardest.

I'm a researcher, by nature and by career, and I research everything I have an opinion about. I find it absurd people talk politics and have no idea what they are talking about. They watch one news source, they believe what they are told. Freedom of speech means people can spin whatever news they want. It's been proven time and again.

People wonder why our government is falling apart. These people get into office because people don't do their research before voting for them. People complain about taxes, but then complain about a credit downgrade. Make up your mind! You can't have both. You have to pay for our government. We can say all we want about them "working for free" but would you? I do agree that they need to abide by the same rules that we do. Not working, no paycheck. The benefit of being a politician goes way beyond permanent payment! If that is why our politicians are in office, then they don't have our best interests at heart and shouldn't be in office in the first place.

Just saying.

A whole new life

2011-07-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't "blogged" in awhile. I didn't realize that I even had posts up honestly. But since those last few posts, life has gotten a LOT better. I'm off all medications, yes, even the depression ones. And for once in my life I feel alive. I can think, I can feel, and it's good! I'm not worried about my past creeping up on me because I'm through letting it control me. I'm a survivor. I have strengths I didn't realize I had and I love learning about the new ones I find in me every day.

I get married in a few months and I hope that goes well. Right now, that's the only thing bringing me down, my wedding. My only family coming is my sister, my mother, & my mom's cousin (who is VERY dear to my heart). But I guess the most important thing is my CHOSEN family is coming. Those people in my life that I know will always love me. It's weird knowing that these friends I can never lose, nor do I want to. It's empowering. For most of my life I thought I was broken, I was unlovable. But these friends have proven that I'm not. That I am worth something and that regardless of how I feel, I KNOW someone cares about me.

Then there is my fiance. He is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's honest (most of the time), caring (all of the time), gentle, sweet, and just a great person. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would marry a man like this. I didn't think I could ever be this lucky.

And instead of being depressed, I realize I'm lucky. I may have the worst health luck in this world, but damn it, I'm the luckiest when it comes to friends and loved ones. :)

Rant of the week...Driving

2010-10-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling this will be my most popular rant of the week, so I'll only focus on one aspect of driving per week.

Today: Turn Signals.

I use my religiously. I use it to pull into a parking spot, I use it whenever, wherever I TURN. Hence the name I assume. My BIGGEST pet peeve is when people do not use their turn signal. Today, I was on a 3-lane highway, I was in the far left lane signaling to move to the middle lane. All the while I was watching another car, in the far right lane. I started to move over (giving at least 10 seconds of prior signaling) and the asshole in the right lane moved over and almost hit me. Didn't use a turn signal, I was watching. Then had the nerve to flip me off. Who does that? It's really sad that now everyone just takes what they want and basically thinks everyone else can "fuck off". I think the world needs a lesson in humility, empathy, kindness.

I'll continue to use my signal prior to actually moving. I hope you do it too.

Day 1...

2010-09-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, now that I have the background laid out, I figured I'd comment on my day so far. I woke up at 10 am (I think that was way too early for me today) because my boyfriend's dog scratched the hell out of me to try to get under the covers. So I woke up mad, which isn't unusual these days.

So mad and angry I take my first dose of Abilify. We will see how it works. Since then, I managed to make myself a real breakfast of an egg sandwich and bacon and then cleaned it up. So much fun, but at least I managed that. Then I did more laundry. How the hell my boyfriend goes through a load of laundry a day is beseeching me.

Now I am at a loss, I can't seem to sit still but there is nothing I want to do. How am I supposed to deal with that? I figured a blog would work! :)

So now that is done, I'm going to lounge in my comfy clothes and read some magazines. Most likely cuddle with a dog and a cat or two. Hey, at least I even showered today....

* I realized grammar and spelling aren't quite what they should be, but give me a break, I'm on medication and depressed...

Today I battle....

2010-09-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today I'm battling a crushing view of the world. I'm exhausted from anxiousness and it's causing me to go into a bit of a depression. Bit being "OMG I'm depressed!"

Not sure what started it all, but I'm damn sure I'm going to get myself out of this mess soon! A little bit of history. I've had a migraine (yes A MIGRAINE) since February of 2010. Before that I was getting them weekly. It all started after I quit smoking, the one thing that apparently let me blow off steam, literally and figuratively. My past two years have been hell and I think maybe, just maybe, now that I'm in a stable good relationship and feel safe, my mind and body is finally allowing me to feel all of it....I just wish it wasn't all at once.

So I'm going to try to go through my anxious depression day by day and hope that typing this stuff up helps me even just a little.