English People Like

#32 The Nanny McPhee state

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 10:55:23 +0100

Why do English people like the Nanny McPhee state?

It’s very in right now to criticise the “nanny state” in England, that is, the set of government institutions which interfere with and control people’s lives. But in truth, state protectionism is quite weak here; England can hardly be considered a successful welfare state. Equally, there is probably a lot of intellectual potential here, but the system is arranged in such a way so as to stifle individual thought and responsibilty. (Which why English eccentrics stand out so much.)

The prevailing attitude is that your average bloke simply isn’t capable of anything. In school you only study one thing, and the system is structured in a way so that once you get to university there’s only one thing you can do. You learned how to paint Van Gogh’s bloody ear, did you? Well, that’s all you’re going to do from now on. Deal.

It’s the same attitude that makes it okay to sue someone else for just attempting to clear the pavement in front of their home after an ice storm. If some clumsy idiot slips and falls on said pavement, you can be punished for doing a poor job of clearing the ice. That’s right: if you don’t even try to clear a pavement in the first place, then you cannot be sued. Thus, in England, it’s in the individual’s legal interest to leave walking paths in treacherous conditions.

There’s something really moronic about this. It makes no sense. If anything, it makes ass-sense. It’s sense come out backwards, complete reverse logic ass-sense. They drive on the wrong side of the road; they clearly think with the wrong side of their ass.

A normal person’s ass would think, “I don’t want to slip and fall down, and I don’t want others to fall down either. So let’s clear up this ice!”

Nanny McPhee says, “Bollix to healf and safety. Why bother clean up the ice? You clearly can’t do a good job. Keep yourself out of court innit.”

#31 Golden Syrup on Everything

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 16:38:10 +0100

Why do English people like putting golden syrup on everything?

With so much boring cuisine, it’s not terribly surprising that the English put golden syrup on everything. Anything to sweeten up their dull lives will do.

“Wait just a minute,” you might say, “golden syrup was invented Abram Lyle, a Scottish businessman — not English!” And I might say, “You fool, why are you wasting your life Wikipedia-ing golden syrup? You are missing the latest soap opera about working class life.”

Then I might conitnue by saying, yes, it is true that Mr Lyle was Scottish, but the fact that he discovered the sticky gooey sugar byproduct within the depths of his London factory makes golden syrup as English as any other invention.

Acceptable uses of golden syrup for different meals of the day in England

Breakfast: porridge, cereal, yoghurt, waffles, pancakes, fruit salad

Elevenses: biscuits, granola bars, flapjack

Lunch: on its own

Dinner: roast duck, racks of ribs

Pudding: biscuits, sponge pudding, ice cream, pies, tarts

But there’s more to this story. Golden syrup has other less obvious uses. For example, golden syrup removes grass stains from jeans. It can be used for pest control. It can be used to treat and preserve wooden fences. It can be used, in various concentrations and quantities, as a disinfectant, a laxative, or a cough treatment. If you are angry at someone, you can even use goldren syrup to give them skin cancer or an induced heart attack. You can literally smother someone to death with it.

#30 Mini Bars

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 11:39:00 +0100

Why do English people like mini bars?

We’re going to call them mini bars, because that’s what they’re called everywhere else in the developed world. The English, however, call it the fridge. English people like their tiny fridges partly because that’s all they have space for in their cramped flats, but also because there really is no use for larger refrigerators. Food here goes off in a matter of days, so you’re really better off just going to the shop a few times a week rather than stockpiling your groceries once weekly or bi-weekly.

But for the sake of argument, even if food didn’t go sour and furry in a matter or days, if the English had normal sized fridges to store all their ingredients, well, so what? They can’t even cook anyway. This is why cooking shows are so popular here. You watch your favourite cooking show, see all the lovely things that mum used to make, then pop down to the local M&S and buy it ready-made. By the time you get home another cooking show will have started, so you can plop down on the sofa with your micro dinner and watch a show about how to cook the thing you just bought. Lovely.

In short, it’s another way to spend money in a highly inefficient way. And therefore it is classically English.

#29 Horses

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:25:00 +0100

Why do English people like horses?

The English obsession with equestrianism isn’t based on the sport of it, or for horses’ many time-honoured utilities, but rather for all the fancy things that, in the collective English imagination, necessarily accompany horses. And you know what? That’s just fine. It’s probably healthier to aspire upwards to what might be yours some day — crumpets, champagne, top hats and pearls.

But then reality hits. Watch in amusement as equestrian fantasies melt into shit in a bag. Grassy shit. Because that’s what horses do: they eat a bunch of grass and then crap out grassy shit. No tea, no champagne. Just stink. Enter soap operas that follow the mundane lives of average punters, giving the post-equestrian fantasy sufferers a reason to go on living. See this helpful chart.

Guardian contributor Chris Cook, describing the seating arrangement at last week’s Royal Ascot, puts it well: “The more money you have, the closer you get to the winning post – a neat metaphor for life.”

#28 Ant and Dec

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 13:48:30 +0100

Why do English people like Ant and Dec?

Nobody really knows.

#27 The Barrister's Wig

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 10:37:00 +0100

Why do English people like the barrister’s wig?

Ains submits:

Why do English People like the barrister’s wig?! I know young lawyers here who actually believe that people find it intimidating. Can you please dispel this myth, and remind them that the wig is in fact, utterly ridiculous and laughable?

The original purpose of the barrister’s wig was to provide a form of disguise, to preserve attorneys’ anonymity, and to distance the attorney from perceived personal involvement in legal cases. Over the years the wig became a kind of fashion accessory as people attending court sessions tried to outdo one another with the size of their wigs. Wigs came to signify wealth and status, and eventually the look just stuck. After 300 years, though, the form and function of this traditional headgear began to be called into question in some English courts. Yet the wig is still used, its proponents claim, to bestow a certain gravity on court proceedings.

Bollocks. Nothing says I’m not going to take you seriously like having a dead poodle on your head. If as a barrister you feel you must wear some overgrown powder-puff to have a hope in hell to be taken seriously, then you have the right to remain silent. Here’s a thought: instead of spending so much time coordinating your hair, maybe you should spend your time developing your legal case. “I don’t need to do any work,” thinks the English barrister. “I’ll let the WIG work for ME!” Pathetic.

#26 Queuing

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 20:38:00 +0100

Why do English people like queuing?

Anyone who’s been in England for any amount of time will marvel at the amount of spontaneous natural queuing that happens here. From gathering outside a bank or GP’s office half an hour before opening time to 15-person deep pile-ups behind a single Oyster card tube barrier when there are three other ticket barriers clearly available. Sometimes, the English will start queuing without even knowing what they’re queueing for. The English are the queue masters.

But as we’ve said before, they’re also masters at avoiding rubbish. The shortage of public bins on the streets and in the public transport system, combined with the tendency of English people to queue themselves, have helped cause rampant rubbish queuing. Rather than simply tossing their Ribena tetrapaks to the floor, the English person will dutifully seek out existing litter behind which to queue their rubbish. You see this at pubs as well. No matter how late in the evening or how completely pissed they get, English pub-goers decide by silent consensus on just the right place to set their empty glasses and bottles.

Reply with your rubbish queue pics!

Related:

#13 Avoiding Rubbish

#25 Rocket

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 21:02:00 +0100

Why do English people like rocket?

Joe submits:

It seems like they put this vile weed on everything in a misguided effort to fancy it up. I guess after the gastro-pub phenomenon took off, and England’s reputation for bad food swung the other way, the English, in classic overzealous fashion (“Oh, we’ll just administer Egypt…well, might as well colonize the Sudan while we’re at it…well, now that we’ve come this far, might as well do the rest of Africa…”) designated rocket the national “fancy” garnish of choice. Ever since then, rocket has plagued otherwise decent dishes nationwide.

True! How many times have you had a pasta dish or sandwich ruined by rocket? Rocket isn’t crispy and refreshing like iceberg or gem lettuce, it’s not peppery and slightly exciting like water cress, and it’s not incredibly good for you like spinach. It’s just kind of… there. Being green, taking up space.

And no, putting rocket in between two slices of bread with sandwich filler does not a classy sandwich make! Tourists and ex-pats agree that rocket is best used as a kind of makeshift tissue to wipe clean your sandwich of all the extra mayo the lovely chefs at Pret so kindly slathered on.

#24 Horrible Tabloids

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 16:28:45 +0100

Why do English people like horrible tabloids?

There’s a reason why English tabloids focus on fictional characters just as much as, if not more than, actual people. It’s escapism at its purest. It’s to avoid the inconvenience of having to eat well and exercise to achieve trim tums. To laugh at freakish medical conditions and to marvel at celebs’ sinister exploits. To reassure themselves that there are others out there with worse problems. Put simply, it’s to escape the pain of continuing to live on this island.

Inflammatory headlines and gossipy topics contribute to the continued success of English tabloids. Even the most mundane stories are given sensational attention. How could you not read a story with a headline of Killed by a curry? Twice? Are you really not curious to know the location of Sven Goran Erikkson’s balls? I know I am!

Other ways English people escape themselves:

#23 Unreasonably Large Burgers

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 12:46:00 +0100

Why do English people like unreasonably large burgers?

Because it makes them appear stronger, more masculine in character, and therefore better than their American counterparts. Go to any English gastropub or gourmet burger restaurant and you’ll be faced with a burger larger than your face. How did this happen?

Americans perfected the hand-held burger, but tolerated a decline in quality over the years as fast food culture took over. Britain adopted the burger and took it to the next level in quality, but failed to grasp the fundamental form factor of burgerness. Granted, the ingredients are usually fresh and of a very high quality when you get one of these gourmet burgers. But because you have to eat them with a knife and fork, it defeats the entire purpose of eating food in burger form!

Sadly, Britain is not immune to burger quality degradation. Cheapness of ingredients, as with burger size, can be taken to the extreme. Case in point: a Bristol takeaway brags of its Super Scooby burger, what it believes it the largest burger in the UK. Said one burger fan:

“The truth is, I really enjoy eating them. I also like it because it’s a real challenge to finish. You have to be a real man to eat one. They’re delicious and I don’t care about the calories. I always think it’s healthier than fast food burgers because they prepare it fresh in front you.”

Looking past the man’s warped conception of fast food vs healthy food, you’ve got to give him credit for honestly admitting to the real reason why English people like insanely large burgers. It’s because you have to be a real man to eat one.

#22 Avoiding Doctors

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:31:00 +0100

Why do English people like avoiding doctors?

Only the quiet and reserved English person will happily crap out of a second anus for 10 years before going to the GP to get it checked out. “Arite I reckoned it’d just go away,” doesn’t really cut it when you’re suffering from extreme bunions or a third arm.

Channel 4 devotes an entire website and television series to the subject of embarrassing illnesses. The thing is, many of things things don’t have to be embarrassing problems — or, indeed, problems at all — if people would just go to the doctor!

English women actually like avoiding doctors so much that they’ll get themselves arrested before having a child in a hospital. Fact: the Guardian reports that between 2005 and 2008, 283 babies were born in British prisons. That’s one every five days.

Some mothers recall going into labour at night, to the sound of fighting. Many babies were delivered through emergency caesarean; many were born with prison officers in the doorway, in uniform, looking on.

But who can blame the English, really? All the GP does is Google your symptoms right in front of you, so if you are literate and have a computer you might as well save yourself the day off work and Google it yourself. As many British employers don’t offer paid sick leave, there’s also a monetary incentive to avoid doctor visits. So you better not take any days off to get that slipped disc checked out if you’re planning on burning the rest of the year’s holiday days in Ibiza this August. Better get Googling about viral toe warts. Better postpone that yearly pap test — oh wait, you can’t even get a yearly pap test in this country.

Maggie Thatcher

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 00:55:51 +0000

Maggie Thatcher

#21 Naming Buildings

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 18:57:00 +0000

Why do English people like naming buildings?

The naming of buildings originated in Medieval times when England’s wealthiest — those who were at or near the top of the feudal system — presided over huge tracts of land which encompassed several buildings. Traditionally the name of a building was based on who the property was tied to. For example, on the estate of the Lord of “Buttwynde Manor” one would find the Buttwynde House, Buttwynde Cottage, Buttwynde Barn and Buttwynde Rectory.

Peasants, on the other hand, lived in huts. They couldn’t afford signage and so were like, “Fuck it.” But gradually over the centuries, the custom of naming one’s houses spread to everyday folk until people from all social-economic classes were naming buildings. As a result, nowadays even the most dilapidated buildings will have regal sounding names like Bornemouth Hall or Chippenham House.

But it gets curiouser and curiouser. You might have noticed some individuals who name specific parts of a domicile. You might reasonably find your neighbour’s parking garage, for example, is called The Old Two-Doored Nook. At the most extreme, you might find the triangular part of a dog house’s end wall is named Squirrels Gables. This is normal.

What’s the name of your building?

Soap operas in England: the lower the socioeconomic class of...

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 22:29:00 +0000

Soap operas in England: the lower the socioeconomic class of depicted characters, the more successful the television programme.

English people like soap operas About working class life

#20 Soap Operas About Working Class Life

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 22:24:00 +0000

Why do English people like soap operas about working class life?

English people have to deal with sandwich filler and instant coffee, water pipes almost 200 years old, spotty broadband and single paned windows. But they can go to bed happy each night knowing that no matter how crap real life gets, at least they’re not getting chased out a pub by a woman with a mallet, about to get pegged in the back of the head by a flower pot. This is why soap operas that follow the mundane, prosaic lives of the lower-working class have been so successful in England over the past half-decade: because it gives the average viewer a reason to go on living.

Just look at the longest running and most watched English soaps, Coronation Street and EastEnders, in which homely characters with clogged arteries bicker about who’s turn it is to do the washing up. Or about funeral arrangements for the bloke who died in the factory accident last week. Compare this to the most successful North American soaps that follow the unlikely lives of the rich and glamorous, where glossy-faced models and ultra-toned playboys provide a means of escapism.

The other reason English soaps are stuck in this lower class formula is that all the English actors who are very good looking and/or very talented have left this island on direct flights to Hollywood. So there’s not really a pool of glossy-faced glamorous actors to write into fantastic storylines.

#19 Eccentrics

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:41:00 +0000

Why do English people like eccentrics?

There’s a reason the English have been called masters of the loonyverse: it’s because they cultivate the idea of eccentricity as agreeable and even admirable. The truth of the matter is the majority of English people are not eccentric, nor do they care much to be eccentric themselves. But it’s the idea of English eccentricity that separates them in their minds from “Europeans” (ie people on the continent), and it’s the cultivation of this idea that makes the English seem to be more interesting than they actually are.

Let’s be honest here: 99% of English people are not eccentric in the slightest. They’ll stay in their comfy little cottages in the midlands, take their duvet days, do the two-tap hand dance, all the while maintaining their same bland, boring, pork pie existence. That leaves the 1% who actually are eccentric — truly eccentric — what you and I might call normal people who have escaped the pork pie villages. These are the people who grow up to be musicians, writers, poets, fashion designers — in a word, those who create culture. Without this 1%, there would be no culture.

So why do people like eccentrics? Because eccentrics make MONEY for the nation, which in turn, attracts more eccentrics from overseas hoping to find a home on the island of misfit toys. The idea of the English eccentric sells so well that foreigners only realize how wrong it is when it’s too late. They don’t realise that the reason England creates such innovate music and art is because it’s such a horrible place to live in. So when you’re listening to Joy Division records, you end up thinking about how innovative the sound is, the whole cultural experience, blah blah blah, and not about Ian Curtis hanging from the kitchen ceiling because he couldn’t HANDLE it anymore.

Finally, because the English export so much eccentric culture, it creates a false sense of belonging for misfits everywhere. Say you don’t want to cut your hair. That’s cool - here’s some Black Sabbath. Hate hippies and want them all dead? So did Johnny Rotten. Maybe you just want to dance? Great! The Human League invented music. Is your idea of art a sawed off shark’s head? Well guess what? It’s Damien Hirst’s as well.

#18 Not Rinsing Dishes

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 16:05:48 +0000

Why do English people like to not rinse their dishes?

Because they didn’t rinse their semi-clean sudsy dishes whilst winning the war, clearly! The English feel that the rinsing aspect of washing up just isn’t necessary. Like sandwich filler and instant coffee, if it was good enough to survive the Blitz, then it’s good enough now… and forever.

hithisisdanielle submits:

Most the Brits I know fill up a sink or basin with water and soap, put the dishes in it to scrub, then put the dishes on the drying rack without rinsing off the “washing up liquid”. Every one of them cleans under the delusion that the soap just magically glides of the dishware and onto the rack, even though you can clearly see the dried soap on there two days later.

The excuses I have found are “they don’t do it in commercials”, “the soap dries off” and “you don’t shower off bubble bath”. I have also heard that this started during the war when there was water rationing. Or when during the war, they couldn’t get hot water from a tap (they had to boil it), so there was no hot water to rinse with. My personal belief is that with non-mixing taps, it’s too much of a decision to choose scalding your hands or freezing them just to rinse soap bubbles.

We could not agree more.

#17 Pushing Kids Through the System

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 12:38:49 +0000

Why do English people like pushing kids through the education system?

Tragically, scenes like the one above — illiterate under-20s who think they’re snorkeling boxers — have become commonplace in England. Why is this?

While it’s true not everyone can be a scholar, most people in the developed world leave school with the ability to read, write, tell time, and take a shower. Not in Britain. Here, say experts, low marking standards and an increasingly thick bureaucracy have given rise to rampant idiotism in today’s youth.

In order to understand the present state of things one must look to the past. Once upon a time there was an empire. This empire ruled the world with superior knowledge of ship building, marine warfare, and intercontinental “diplomacy” (read: slave trade). This all collapsed over the course of the 20th century. Then, starting in the late 1970s and continuing throughout the 80s, England saw a rise in unemployment and general shitness as PM Thatcher oversaw declines in trade and industry, reductions in spending on social services such as housing and education, a silly war against Argentina, and the privatisation of everything from electric companies to parking lots.

So the nation has had to cope with these ills over the last 20 years. And as a result, students now (since the late 1990s) must pay to attend university. It’s not like the quality of education has improved. No way, no how. The only real difference is that the government can make back the money it threw away before. Add foreign students’ extravagant fees into the equation and you’ve got an education system that cares more about the bottom line because it’s cheaper to keep up the pretense of world-class education than to actually deliver it. (See Oxbridge and other pish-posh)

Kids learn that it’s okay to be stupid because we have the internet now. It’s not necessary to be be taught common sense or general knowledge, because you can just Google it. You don’t need to know where tea comes from because you don’t make all your money off it anymore. You don’t need to know where Africa is on a map because you no longer have an empire.

“No gots an Empire innit, bruv. Gon get jooked.”

#16 Idiotic Signage

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:46:16 +0000

Why do English people like idiotic signage?

Signage in England lies somewhere between patronizing and nonsensical. You’d think a nation that’s been around for hundreds of years would have figured it out by now, but in this respect they are woefully behind the times. It could be because the English have an innate need to sound polite, a pseudo cordiality evolved from Victorian norms of behaviour:

Duchess of Yore: I’m terribly sorry to bother you with such a relatively trivial request, as I am quite certain it is not your intention to cause undue distress for any of this evening’s guests, but in the interest of civility and pleasantness may I please ask that, if it’s not too much trouble, you kindly refrain from brushing against my bosom whilst arranging the tableware?

Butler: Slag.

On the other hand, idiotic signage could stem from the fact that English people love sensational news. Journalists have an incredible ability to state the obvious, taking any mundane fact of life and blowing it all out of proportion for no particular reason except they enjoy hearing themselves scream. So even though it’s perfectly plausible that a child might take a little spill on a beach, get himself wet, and scrape his knee on a pebble, you might hear it the following morning on BBC Breakfast billed as, “Rocks on the beach: the next terror threat??” This inevitably leads to months of public debate over the danger of pebbles. You start hearing case after case of innocent beach-goers slipping and scraping their knees, resulting in councils across Britain wasting thousands of pounds on erecting signs stating the obvious — “Beware of pebbles” — so as to cover themselves against future litigation.

Cases in point:

Don’t know what the deal is with this last sign, why the extra emphasis on “consumed.” What else would one do with alcohol at a mosque?

Related: #15 Sinks With Two Taps

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 01:09:00 +0000

Related:

#15 Sinks With Two Taps