Enjoy Life TODAY, this is no REHEARSAL :)

My Travel Diaries Links.

2026-02-15T05:51:00.000-08:00

1. https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1398279195072292&set=a.1398279698405575 2. https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=1398281468405398&set=a.1398279698405575 3. https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1400585864841625&set=a.1398279698405575 4. https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1403504927883052&set=a.1398279698405575 5. https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1404845604415651&set=a.1398279698405575 6. https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1410692463830965&set=a.1398279698405575 7. https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1414942036739341&set=a.1398279698405575

Dr. Munir A. Cheema - TV Interview

2022-09-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

Khana Kaaba at Mecca video from my cockpit seat.

2020-11-18T08:14:00.001-08:00

On Flight to Karachi Monsoon Weather Avoidance.

2020-08-08T01:03:00.001-07:00

Nose and eyebrow dancing.

2020-07-13T00:01:00.001-07:00

KNOWLEDGE SHARING: Interesting facts

2012-06-27T21:45:00.001-07:00

KNOWLEDGE SHARING: Interesting facts

Enjoy Life TODAY, this is no REHEARSAL :): INTERESTING STUFF

2011-09-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

Enjoy Life TODAY, this is no REHEARSAL :): INTERESTING STUFF

GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE

2010-11-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

On Personality:

1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

3. Don't overdo; keep your limits

4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does

5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip

6. Dream more while you are awake

7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..

8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present

11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you

12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

13. Smile and laugh more

14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

In Community:

15. Call your family often

16. Each day give something good to others

17. Forgive everyone for everything

18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6

19. Try to make at least three people smile each day

20. What other people think of you is none of your business

21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life in general:

22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.

23. GOD heals everything

24. Do the right things

25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up

27. The best is yet to come

28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful

29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it

30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.

While you practice the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with, people you play with, people you work with and people you live with. Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you.

Hijab - A non-muslim woman experiments

2010-08-17T03:56:00.000-07:00

KALABAGH DAM, A MATTER OF SURVIVAL FOR PAKISTAN

2010-08-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

KALABAGH DAM, A MATTER OF SURVIVAL FOR PAKISTAN
by Asad Omar Cheema on Sunday, 15 August 2010 at 04:54

The country on our INDEPENDENCE DAY lay in ruins because of flooding ONLY because of poor planning. Had our leaders understood the real need and importance of KALABAGH Dam the poor people of our country would not have been suffering like this. It is always good planning which makes life easier or difficult. All politically ambiguos cofusions and fears of those against the building of the dam can be sorted out thru parliamentary debates if the correct vision and understanding is kept in mind of the colossal harm our nation goes thru when flooding like we are going thru occurs. The country has slid back at least five years and we are begging the world for help for our own mistakes.

The Prime Minister should initiate the process of developing a national consensus on the construction of Kalabagh Dam as soon as possible and satisfy the provinces of their reservations through discussions/debates in the Parliament so that those generally hostile to the dam should also be satisfied and come to know how important it is for the national economy to start work on the dam and how any further delay in its construction would be an invitation to disaster for the country in the near future.

The perils of depleting water reservoirs and the need for construction of not only Kalabagh Dam but many other dams to meet the future water requirements of the country should be undertaken specially of the Sindh Province. Our existing dams are depleting and we have a water short fall of over 15 million acre feet which is equal to water stored in Mangla Dam and this shortage will continue to increase with every passing year and the biggest sufferer will be the province of Sindh. The depleting capacity of the existing water reservoirs call for at least one dam like Kalabagh, Bhasha or Bunji every 10 years. We have been neglecting this dire requirement and did not construct any new dam during the last 30 years and the country is today suffering for this criminal neglect in the form of floods, drought and acute water shortage throughout the country specially in Sindh and Balochistan. Punjab has plenty of sweet sub soil water and in case of shortage it can meet its requirement by sinking more tubwells. But Sindh has brackish sub soil water which cannot be used for irrigation purposes. The water shortage in Sindh thus will be much more acute in the coming years and this disaster can be averted only by undertaking construction of new dams on warfooting.

Big dams take a long time to build and that even the feasibility study for a major dam can take several years. Pakistan urgently needs to build more dams to boost the country's water-storage capacity like Turkey which has built 40 dams on the Tigris River and other rivers over the last five decades, while Pakistan, during the same period, has built only two. Mangla Dam on the River of Jhelum (completed in 1968) and Tarbela Dam on the River Indus (completed in 1974). If we take a decision right now to go ahead with the construction of a dam, it will be completed in the year 2020by which time the water shortage in the country will rise to 25 million acre-feet, and by the year 2024 or 2025 the shortage will go up to 28 million to 30 million acre-feet. It is stupidity if we keep losing our water to the sea each year while our people keep longing for it.

The feasibility study of Kalabagh Dam was prepared long ago and a lot of preliminary work has already been done on the project. Its construction can be started in few months hoping to be completed by 2019/2020. In the meanwhile work on feasibilities of Bhasha and Nunji has been undertaken and work on these two dams should be completed by 2015 and 2020 respectively. If we want to meet the water requirements of next fifty years, we will have to build all these dams besides identifying new sites.

The Kalabagh Dam has become an absolute necessity for the country and delaying or abandoning its construction would be an invitation to a disaster. The water situation has become precarious and the provinces are going to each others throat already over the issue of water supply. Pakistan is one of the unfortunate country which has not built a major dam in the last three decades. No wonder, today the country is facing a serious water crisis. Millions and millions of rupees have been spent on the feasibility report of this Dam, alterations have been made in the plan to remove the apprehensions of those who have opposed it for one reason or the other, but all these have proved futile exercises and the project has not moved an inch forward. The unnecessary politicisation of the issue has been the major hurdle. However, it would be advisable for the President and Prime Minister to allay the genuine fears, if any, of the critics of the Dam. It would be suicidal to let the Dam become victim of a political controversy. Those who are using the issue as a political ploy to do politicking are advised not to do so as it amounts to playing with the destiny of the country. The government would not find it easy to build up a consensus on the issue. They need to muster support of politicians who matter. And it would require patience, imagination, good sense and finally power of persuasion. It is good that the Chief Executive has already initiated a process of dialogue with the politicians. The governors should also become a part of it at their level. Secondly, the opponents of the project have become allergic to the name of Kalabagh Dam. There is a lot of merit in Imran Khan's suggestion to change the name of the Dam to Indus Channel. Apparently this may appear a gimmick, but surrounded by a peculiar political controversy as Kalabagh Dam is, this gimmick may deliver, as it could provide a way out to those staunch opponents who had gone too far in their opposition of Kalabagh Dam, but would accept it if given another nomenclature/name.

Kalabagh Dam is imperative for the good of the country and work on the project should begin without the fear of any adverse reactions. It would be a great achievement if the present government makes a breakthrough on this explosive issue. If they should do it, they would not only carve out a name for themselves in the history of the country, but also win the abiding gratitude of the nation.

Asad Omar Cheema

World Record Made by a Pakistani boy in A Levels

2009-07-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

Pakistani Boy makes a world record and achieves 21 A's and appears in a total of 23 subjects which has never been done by anybody ever.

One ambition was fixed in Ali Moeen Nawazish's mind as he made his way through school in Pakistan. He wanted to win a place at Cambridge. Sitting seven A-levels might easily have done the trick, even though he had started to study some of the subjects only three days before the exam.

Listen to his interview to BBC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9XjLV0mPJI&feature=related

Speed Kills

2009-06-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

Very powerful social commercial
Very powerful social commercial Commercial persuading people not to drive too fast. Really powerful and kind of scary, makes you think. JavaScript...

faltu.tv

2009-06-18T13:48:00.001-07:00

THE MIRACLE CURE

2009-06-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

Some top doctors have revealed that the combination of garlic, ginger, lemon, apple cider vinegar and honey is a wonderful drug that can cure everything from Cancer to Arthritis, and makes you lose extra body fat and weight.

Amazing studies from respected universities around the world prove the miracle home remedy that costs just pennies a day to make, a super way to fight just about any affliction. Experts have verified that this health restoring trick of garlic, ginger, lemon juice, vinegar & honey can wipe both our common & not so common ailments.

Success also includes acne, Alzheimer’s disease, arthritis, asthma, high blood pressure, some types of cancer, excessive cholesterol levels, gas and indigestion, headaches, heart and circulatory problems, hemorrhoids, infertility and impotence, toothaches, obesity, ulcers, and many other diseases and conditions.

In a study of arthritis Dr. Angus Peter of the University of Edinburgh's Arthritic Research institute found a daily dose of vinegar and honey reduced pain by 90%.

A daily dose of garlic and vinegar has proved to be a powerful and fast weight destroyer and reducer, according to Dr.Raymond Fisk of London's Lamsus University Research Center. The prestigious British Medical Journal Lancer reported that cholesterol levels plunged on average from 237.4 to 223.4 in three hours after volunteers consumed 60 grams of garlic and four ounces of butter. The study proved adding garlic to your diet could neutralize the dangers associated with high fat.

A study of 261 adult patients by the German association of general practitioners indicated that cholesterol and triglycerides levels factors associated with the risk of heart disease are significantly reduced by regular use of garlic in the diet.

Houston's M.D. Anderson Cancer Institute in Houston, the Pennsylvania State University and ULSA, support earlier evidence that certain ingredients in garlic block agents that cause cancers of the breast, colon, skin and esophagus. The National Cancer Institute found in a study of 1600 people that eating a lot of garlic is linked to a reduced risk of stomach cancer. Dr. Erik Block of the State University of New York at Albany has discovered that garlic release at least 100 sulfur producing compounds all of which are powerful medicines.

THE MAGIC POTION

There appears to be little doubt that this astonishing potion made by mixing garlic, ginger, lemon juice, apple cider vinegar and honey can extend life by protecting you from many proven killers. Dr. Han Len Tsao writes in China’s respected Journal of Natural Medicine, that "patients when given this miracle drink before breakfast showed a remarkable reduction in high blood pressure and cholesterol in less than a week. The Italian nutritionist Emilio Stefan adds, "Years of scientific investigation by experts around the world have proven beyond doubt that garlic, honey and vinegar are nature's magic potion. The powerful ingredients are available every where and cost only pennies a day when consumed. Considering all what these natural substances can do for the human health is amazing.

Dr. Jack Soltanoff, who is a national expert at New York, praises the benefits of apple cider vinegar. He recorded remarkable success stories involving arthritis sufferers. He says, "I have seen many arthritis patients start to loosen up at once"

Some even call it (apple cider vinegar) a natural arthritis tonic that frees them from stillness pain and aches within just a few weeks, and most pain wrecked patients can pertain normal activities because of this simple tonic. The boxing legend Muhammad Ali took a daily dose of this potion to fight the symptoms of Parkinson's disease and many other athletes are heard to be taking it for having a competitive edge.

“Honey has been described as the perfect food” notes a respected researcher, “it contains a lot of nutrients and minerals, the important part of nine vitamins, six acids and four key enzymes in their most natural state. The patients who took the daily dose of this magical drink were more vigorous, had fewer infectious disease and in general even healthier than those who didn't. "There's no question that this astonishing elixir can lend life by replacing from many proven killers."

BASIC RECIPE

Here's how to make your own miracle medicine.

In a bowl, mix together half a cup of lemon juice, half a cup of ginger juice. Now put twenty five cloves of chopped garlic in a blender and mix at high speed. Add one cup of vinegar (use only apple cider vinegar), as you blend and after it has mixed nicely add one cup of honey, and mix the whole mixture in the blender again. Now pour this mixture into a glass jar (no plastics) and leave it in the refrigerator for a minimum of five days.

Normal dosage is two teaspoons in a glass of warm water or fruit juice. (Grape or orange juice is best before breakfast). A second dose if desired can be taken in the evening. For treating specific conditions or ailments, use the potion as recommended.

STOREHOUSE

Honey not only makes your daily dose taste better, the sweet stuff also aids in your body's ability to absorb in medicinal properties of the powerful ingredients. Garlic provides a storehouse of vitamins and minerals and what excites researchers more, is growing evidence that from an enzyme present in large amounts in garlic stimulates the immune system. In a recent study involving two thousand elder women, researchers found that those who ate garlic once in a week were half as likely to develop colon cancer as those who did not.

NINE COMMON AILMENTS AND RECOMMENDED TREATMENTS

Arthritis: Mix a teaspoon in half cup of warm water and drink before going to bed.

Asthma: A teaspoon of the basic potion in the morning on an empty stomach will have you breathing lightly in no time.

Cancer: When making the potion, double the garlic cloves and take two tea spoons in juice three times a day.

High blood pressure: Make a special batch of the elixir, using two cups of water, 18 garlic cloves, two tablespoons of vinegar and three tablespoon of honey. Blend as before and keep on medium to low heat for half an hour. Allow it to cool and take three tablespoons three times a day.

To Lower cholesterol: Make a tea by adding a teaspoon of the elixir in a cup of hot water and drink before meals, three times a day.

Heart disease: Use the recipe for high blood pressure and sip a half-cup of the mixture three times a day.

Impotence: Boil a cup of vinegar mixed with seven to ten crushed cloves of garlic and a tablespoon of honey for five minutes. Cool and drink like tea.

Acne or pimples: Use a basic potion on affected area with a piece of cotton each night.

Gas or indigestion: Put two tablespoons of the basic mixture in a cup of water and warm to the temperature you use for your coffee or tea. Sip slowly at the first sign of distress. Even though it has been blended with honey and vinegar, garlic's pungent odor can still be a problem for some people. To deal with this side affect, experts recommend putting springs of parsley in the elixir or eating parsley raw after taking a dose.

This amazing natural remedy has been around for at least 4,000 years.

Amazing Pakistan

2009-05-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

In recent days due to some political forces busy in exploiting our image in the foreign media, an ugly picture about Pakistan has been portrayed in front of the world, a picture that is far from the facts. The true picture of Pakistan is some what different if you look at it in a non partisan way.

————————————————

ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF PAKISTAN

Some facts about Pakistan

Pakistan is the largest producer of Ghee
2nd largest producer of Chickpeas
4th largest producer of Apricot, Cotton and Sugarcane
5th largest producer of Milk and Onion
6th largest producer of Date Palm
7th largest producer of Mango
8th largest producer of Tangerines, mandarin orange and Rice
9th largest producer of Wheat, and
10th largest producer of Oranges

Pakistan: meaning the “The land of the pure” where each day the sun rises with a new hope, with an enduring majesty as the rays of light flushing down towards the snow capped peaks of Himalaya’s and Nanga Parbat. A land where love finds a meaning in the heart warming hospitality of people, a land where history and ancient civilization mystifies one’s heart, a land where spiritualism unveils its mystery at the shrines of Sufi Saints.

The Invincible 167 Million : 6th largest Nation of the World

The invincible 167 million Pakistani’s progressing forward with high hopes and a mission holding an unquenchable thirst to be a world leader. Despite the chaos spilled by the westeren media to demoralize the nation and to uproot the patriotism from the hearts and minds of people of this country, despite the foreign funded terrorists bombings, killing hundreds of Pakistani’s painting the roads red with the blood of young children, women and men. Every drop of it shouts back loud ” You can never take us down, we shall fight back till our last breath“. Reminding you this is the nation which has a 7th largest pool of scientists and Engineers in the World[1]. and the country that is ranked 9th in the world where English language is spoken and used as an official language [1].

World's 9th Largest English Speaking Country

Pakistan: World 7th largest Pool of Scientists and Engineer

The Might : 7th Nuclear Power of the World

On May 28, 1998, became the 7th nuclear power of the world giving a loud and clear message to the enemies that this nation is fully equipped and ready to defend it’s sovereignty.

It has world 7th largest standing armed forces [1] well trained possessing state of the art technology. (PAF) is the symbol of pride for the nation and a galaxy of highly trained professionals emerged in latest technological developments. The highly skilled PAF personals are renowned for their excellence and handling of aircraft and surely are the worst fear for the enemies.

Pakistan: 7th largest Standing Armed Forces in the World

Pakistan: Air force :Air Commodore MM ALAM has a world record
of shooting down 5 Indian planes in less than a Minute

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Pakistan : The Roof Top of the World
Pakistan the land of grand mountain ranges, a land that holds 4 out of 14 most highest peaks in the world. K2 is the second highest mountain in the world with all it’s grandeur symbolizing the pride and strength of the people of Pakistan.

Pakistan:
Hunza is said to be a place ” Where Time Stops and Fairy Treads“, Kalash and Chitral are the natural wonders of the world where poetic verses find their inspirations from the beauty and elegance of high peak mountains, lush green fields and the fragrant breeze singing across the poplar trees. Some of the places which are not highlighted by the media but still due to their magnitude find their places on the World record books are ; Asia’s Highest Railway Station Kan Mehtarzai [2] that is located 2240 meters above sea level near Quetta.

Pakistan: Lalazar often termed as most beautiful place on earth ..

Pakistan: Nanga Parbat is the 9th highest peak in the World

What it would feel like to play a sport that is wild, challenging and manly at the top of the world surrounded by the drumbeats and the music of the reed instrument. Yes Shandur Polo tournament is played every year at World’s highest Polo ground at Shandur, Northern Pakistan.

Karakoram Highway : Eighth Wonder of the World

Karakoram Highway runs through the northern areas connecting Pakistan with China’s Xingjiang province is often described as ” Eighth Wonder of the World” due to the marvel of civil engineering as it has taken 15 years to complete by the Pakistan Army Engineers in collaboration with China. It’s been labeled as ” World’s highest paved international Road” under world’s toughest terrain.

Pakistan: Karakoram Highway World's highest paved international Road

World’s Largest Deep Sea Port : Gwader
“Gwa” means Air and “Dar” means door, and the word Gawadar means ” The door of the wind” is the world’s largest deep sea port lies in southwestern Pakistani province of Balochistan. The design and construction of the port is carried out in collaboration with China and it has just started it’s operation.It’ s going to emerge as a world’s biggest skyline due to it’s capacity and infrastructure of handling bulk carriers. It has been declared as a Duty Free Port and Free Economic Zone by the Pakistani government that has increased the commercial worth manifolds. It has an immense geostrategic importance as it is the entrance to the Persian Gulf and is considered to be a substitute of Dubai Port.

The world super powers want to occupy this geostrategic place so that it can police and rule this part of the world. The biggest reason to make Pakistan unstable is to show Pakistan as a land of terrorists because competetiors of Gawader are losing their business.
Khewra Mines : Second Largest Salt Mine in the World

Khewra Salt Mine located in Khewra, Jehlum Punjab, Pakistan is the second largest Salt Mine in the world and is considered to be the oldest in the subcontinent. It was said that discovery of Salt mines were not done by Alexander or his army but by their horses as they started licking the stones when they stopped here for rest. Thousand of visitors each year visit Khewra Salt mines and get fascinated by the nature’s miracle in the heart of mountains.

Haleji Lake : Asia’s largest Bird Sanctuary

Pakistan is a land of serene beauty , a country with diverse wild life , fresh water lakes, a 1046 km coast lines. Some of the most unique species of birds are found in northern Pakistan with awe-inspiring natural wonders like Lake Saiful Maluk, Lake Shandur, Dudipatsar Lake, kutwal lake, Zalzal lake and many more. But Haleji has it’s own significance as it is Asia’s largest waterfowl reserve. During winter thousands of birds of different species fly down to Haleji from Siberian colder areas

Thar Desert : One amongst the largest deserts in the World

Thar is a arid region in the north western part of Indian subcontinent, it lies mostly in Indian state of Rajasthan but it covers eastern Sindh province and the southeastern portion of Pakistan’s Punjab province. It is amongst one of the largest deserts in the world rich multifaceted culture, heritage, traditions, folk tales, dances and music. The poetic expression of Kafi written by Sufi poets of Sindh resonates in the cold nights as the Thari musicians start singing them on sorrowing rhythmic beats. In the night the granules of the sand light up like stars as the moonlight walks on the moon.

Pakistan: Tharparker

The land of oldest Civilization : Indus Valley and Mohenjo-Daro

Moenjodaro is the province of Sindh, Pakistan and archeology trace back it exitence 5000 years ago. It provides an earliest instance of exemplary form of town planning and community organization and found to be as one of the oldest cities known today. It is said to be the pilgrimage of ancient ruins. The splendor of Indus Valley civilization spread over a thousand mile from the high peak snowy mountains of Kashmir to the glittering sand dunes facing the Arabian Sea. One of the oldest known civilization that flourished in the Indus river Basin embraced within its fold almost the entire country now known as Pakistan.

Pakistan:

Wisdom from 90 yr old Regina Brett..

2009-05-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested
column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in

touch

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one

else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special

occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

INTERESTING STUFF

2009-04-03T01:33:00.000-07:00

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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You can never lick your own elbow. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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Now....
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

2008-12-13T01:55:00.000-08:00

How often we complain about how unlucky we are in life or how things are not working out right for us? If one only follows the following ten rules in life you will never be unhappy.

Rule Number 1: Zindagi main aatay hain kabhi khushi kabhi gham but remember there is always a tomorrow.

Rule Number 2: You will always get your turn for everything, so wait patiently.

Rule Number 3: You are the only person who can make you happy, so help your self to it.

Rule Number 4: Laughter is the best tranquilizer so use it often, it has no side effects.

Rule Number 5: Happiness is a journey and not the destination, so keep working for more.

Rule Number 6: Do today what others won't, so you can live tomorrow like no one else can.

Rule Number 7: It is never late to be what you think you might have become. Give it a try.

Rule Number 8: Treasure the love you recieve, it will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.

Rule Number 9: Like they say, the journey of a thousand miles starts but with a single step so never hesitate to start.

Rule Number 10: Always have something to do, somebody to love and some thing to hope for, it will keep you busy and your mind occupied.

Not for the FAINT HEARTED plz :)

2008-12-05T13:37:00.000-08:00

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says:Fuck you too"
***************************************************************
*The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
***************************************************************
*A man is dying of cancer. His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're
dying of AIDS??". Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to fuck your mother."
****************************************************************
*"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right
in it, and the right has nothing left in it"
****************************************************************
*YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park
****************************************************************
*Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"
****************************************************************
*A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
****************************************************************
*Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich
husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
"BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
**********************************************
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her
new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
***********************************************
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
************************************
An opening line:
Boy to girl: I'll bet your mom is a good baker.
Reply: What makes you think so?
Boy to girl: Cause you've got some nice buns.
============================
Why do condoms come in packs

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display,and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
======================
Dead Camel

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third
day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting
themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks
pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or
two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting admiringly on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a
huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give
life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out
of here.
============================
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shriek said,
"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you.

HOW DIFFERENT NATIONALITY WOMEN PERFORM ON DATES.

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Fourth Date: At the court.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant

LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and
live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

====================

Lady Golfer

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Strip Mall

My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers. Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA

Curl Up and Die

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld

Priceless

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
==============================================

How Sex Began!

In the garden of Eden, As everyone knows,
Lived Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two kind of leaves,
One covered Adam's, and the other one Eve's.
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

=====================

POEM # 1
like your style
like your class
but most of all i like your ass

POEM # 2
Im a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

POEM # 3
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

POEM # 4
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

POEM # 5
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

POEM # 6
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

POEM # 7
Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

POEM # 8
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

POEM # 9
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!

POEM # 10
If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

POEM # 11
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

POEM # 12
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

Poem #13
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue...
I'm In Love But Not With You...
When We Broke Up You Thought I Cried
But All It Was...
Was Another Guy,
You Told Your Friends That I Was A Trick,
I Told Mine That You Had A Weak Dick...
I Said I Loved You
And You Thought It Was True,
But Guess What Baby?!
You Got Played Too!!

Poem #14
Guys are like parking spots...
the good ones are always taken...
and the ones that are available,
are either handicapped or too far away!!
================================
Breast feeding
A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. Dr. Santa examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," replied the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," Dr. Santa ordered.
The woman did as she was told and Santa examined her breasts. He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don`t have any milk!"
"That`s right," said the woman. "This is my sister`s child."
"Well," said the startled Santa. "I had no idea. You shouldn`t have come."
"I didn`t," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."
-========================

Perfect body!
Taxi driver, Banta, picked up a girl after a day's hard work, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter? Didn't I satisfy you?" Banta asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry girl.
"In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"
"Well, what's wrong with that?" asked Banta.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"

===============

Extra large !
Santa enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from Santa.
She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to Santa man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, Rs five core in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
Santa, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over ten crore in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis! Just send the bottle back!"

************************************************************
ADIDAS
A woman is picked up by Santa in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with Santa to his hotel room. Santa removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Santa says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
Santa gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on Santa's penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
Santa says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
====================
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history".
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for
he
People, shall not perish from the Earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke"
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "California congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh shit, we're fucked!"
.And Suzuki said, "Americans, in Iraq 2004!"
==============
CHINESE SICK LEAVE Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!
==================================
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm, so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay," he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife while you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the doctor's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly, "That's how you wave a towel, sonny!"
========================================

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
============================

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front desk, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the entire night.
The next morning, at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom replies, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me six fried eggs, nine sausages, 12 slices of toast, and six liters of orange juice."

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"
=======================================

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
===========================================
---------------------------------------------
Arrest him
Hysterical Lady : Hello ! police station ?
A Man has entered into my house and he is raping me right now................
C cann........youuuuuuuuuuu .........Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa .........Ahresttttttttt Himmmmmm.Tommmmmorrow
======================================
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed...

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Joe and Wanda shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!"
===========================================
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.

"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

===============================
=============================
A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal' that you had a change of heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat."
==============================
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas! The ones that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty
and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years,that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste." "I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never
wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got there she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
=================================
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says,"Hello master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass
out of the cupboard and pees in it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila.

So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of
the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The
result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until
the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
"Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks
him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass
and says, "Because tonight mi amor, you're drinking from the Bottle.

Arriba, Arriba!!!
====================

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

===================
A Phone Call

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
===================================================
Q. What Did The Egyptian Boy Say To The Egyptian Girl?

Come Behind The Pyramid And I Will Make You a Mummy

Q. Who is a gynaecolgist ? He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A:Very Large Hands

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
=====================================
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
- Robert De Niro

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
- Steve Martin

===========================================================
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says,"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The farmer says, " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

=========================================================

To all the ladies. . something to remember on your "ladies nite out"!! ENJOY!! )

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and have a few cocktails .

They taste so good, so you have a few more and then the DJ plays your favorite oldie -- 'I Will Survive,' so you're off to the dance floor .

After an hour or so of shakin' your goodies, the DJ plays that irritating head-banging music , so you rejoin the group for a rest and another cocktail, or three

You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at you. You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two of you.

YOU buy him a drink.

He likes a woman who is not afraid to buy a man a drink. He approaches you to chat and you get along really well.

When the time seems perfect for both of you, he leans over and kisses you .

You have never been kissed like this before, an electric kiss and a tingle shudders through your entire body and you don't want it to stop.

"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've never felt like this before.

Do you want to come back to my place?"

You wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep , to go to the toilet , last night's memories slightly blurred

You look at yourself in the mirror , make an "urgh" sound. .

As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in love last night .

With a smile on your face , you stand up and walk back to the bedroom

and see...

THAT'S JUST WRONG!

You instantly sober up, dial animal control, and vow to never ever drink again!

=============================

Plan For Future:

Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?

Ram: I want 2 be a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 be a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 be a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.

=======================================

Liar:

A man is dying of Cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom
========================================
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-
piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

==============================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
==================================
Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go
prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when
commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the
match, for which he was not prepared.

He always had a standard response to the first question. But this
time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the
second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation
when he went in.

Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good
balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving
instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole.
Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in b! ig effort and
deliver good result all the time.

Tony: fainted
===========================
Confession of a guy : My Girlfriend invited me to her house 1 day.........I found her sister alone in the house.She was very sexy.She Told me "I have feelings for u,Make love to me,"I immediately turned around n walked to the front door to go to my car.I saw my girlfriend standing there.She hugged me n said,"You've won my trust !!" Moral of the story : its always better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket .

Bi-Lingual Beauty

2008-12-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

1. What did the lonely banana say?
I'm a "kela".

2. What did the green peas say?
Nothing. They just " mutter"ed.

3. What did the potato say when it answered the phone?
"Aaloo?"

4. Where do the cauliflowers hang out?
In the "Gobi" desert.

5. What are call-boxes for ghosts called?
B(h)ooths.

6. What kind of sweaters do grapes wear?
Angoora

7. What is a vegetable's favourite love song?
Love me tinda.

8. What did the flower say to its girl-friend?
Why do phools fall in love?

9. What did the confused egg say?
I don't "unda-stand".

10. Where do earings go on holidays?
Bali.

11. What do shrimps sing on Christmas?
Jhinga Bells.

12. What did the half eaten naan say?
I wish i was puri.

13. What did the lonesome potato sing?
"Aaloo lonesome tonight?"

14. What language do carrots speak?
Gajar-ati.

___________________________________________

Have a nice day!

* Achcha din lo!

What's up?

*Uppar kya hai?

You're kidding!

*Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!

Don't kid me!

* Mera bachcha mut banaao!

Yo, baby! What's up?

* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?

Cool man!

* Thandaa aadmi!

Don't mess with me, dude.

* Mere saath gandagee mat karo, ek hustee.

Check this out, man!

* Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!

She's so fine!

* Woh itnee bedaag hai!

Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?

* Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?

Are you nuts?

* Kya aap akhrot hain? ;)

Ages of a woman

2008-12-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58 YeArS

8 YeArS - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

18 YeArS - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

28 YeArS - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.

38 YeArS - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

48 YeArS - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

58 YeArS - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

2008-04-20T17:07:00.001-07:00

Modern Trends

2008-04-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

[1] You love someone but marry someone else.
The one you marry becomes your dear wife or husband.
And the one you loved,
Becomes the password of your Email "ID".

[2] There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

[3] Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects....

[4] Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife a kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with the other kidney .

Some Well known Types of SEX:

2008-04-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shriek said,"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX :
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last.'"

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS

2008-04-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (As if THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Some consolation to the woman!)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
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And, the best for last... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)
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