So last week I took some time to pause, reflect and refresh…I actually took some time to really pray through and think through the future of EpicParent.

And I have come to a decision…

I have decided that it is time for me to spend more time focusing on being an EpicParent  than teaching the world how to be an EpicParent!!

Yep…

That’s right.

It has been three great years of speaking to, writing to and challenging parents…but I sort of feel like I have run out of parenting tips, advice and ridiculous stories!!

So I’m gonna slow down on the posts and learn what it’s like to parent these crazy teenagers God has given me!!?!

I will still write periodically…when I feel like God has something specific for me to say.

Thank you so much for being so loyal through the years and spreading the EpicParent message!!

I will still be speaking some, so if your looking for a speaker for your next event…you can contact me HERE!!

Thanks again and it’s been an honor to speak into your lives!!

Yep, that’s right!!

Taking a much needed week to refresh, re-coup…you get the idea!!

See you next Monday!!

sprad

Today’s post is a MUST READ.

I pulled it off the Life As Of Late Blog.

Please spread the word, share and make sure that every parent you know is reading this!!

To the parents of middle-schoolers on Instagram:

 

There is so much information out there about internet safety and you should definitely read up on that, but that’s not what I want to talk about.

Over the past several months, I’ve been noticing some interesting stuff on Instagram from your kids that I want to share with you.

“Hey, weirdo, why are you following my kids?” Good question, and I’ll get to that.

I am 25 years old, which is not just a fun fact, but important in the history of social media. MySpace started during my high school years, and Facebook started the year I went to college (when it was still just a site just for college students). So while my generation didn’t grow up with it, we were the first to use it. We’re bilingual, in a sense.

Your kids, on the other hand, don’t know a life without it and you’re doing your best to learn and keep up with it. So would you mind too terribly much if I acted as a bridge for a second? Give you some thinking material?

Let me back up.

My husband and I, along with our friends Kylie and Trenton, help in the youth ministry at our church. (Shoutout to the GREATEST 6TH GRADERS EVER!)

Several months ago, Kylie and I were asked to talk to the 8th graders at the middle school girls’ sleepover.

The topic was “Finding your identity in Christ“.

I would have much rather talked to them about sex or drugs or something, because those are pretty concrete topics. We’d stand up and say, “Don’t do it.” End of talk. It would be so moving we’d be asked back to speak at every event, naturally.

Instead, we were tasked with talking about something that a lot of adults I know don’t even know how to apply in their own lives.

What even is identity? And how do you talk to a group of middle school girls about finding their identity in an invisible God? And if they aren’t finding their identity in Him, where are they finding it?

After much thought and prayer, we decided to talk about something we know: social media. We talked about Instagram specifically, since a lot of these girls aren’t on Facebook yet and think Twitter is stupid.

I’m sure you’re aware of Instagram if your kids are on it, but if not, here’s a rundown of the app:

1. Your child gets an account and starts following other users.
2. In return, other users follow your child.
3. Your child posts a picture to his or her account.
4. Other users comment or “like” the picture.
5. Repeat. 87 times a day.

an example: left is my Instagram profile; right is the photo feed of all posted pictures

I love the app. It’s a lot of fun, but there are some components to it that I’m not sure we’ve thought all the way through.

Think back to when you were in junior high. How did you know you were “cool”? A popular girl probably wrote you a note and put it in your locker or asked you to sit with her at lunch, right? There were a few eyewitnesses and it was pure joy.

Do you remember back-to-school shopping? You bought the trendiest new shirts and shoes. But how did you know if your new shirt was cute? Someone told you, probably. How did you know if your new shirt was hideous? Again, someone probably told you. Or made fun of you, but luckily it was just between you and that person. Or – worst case scenario – between you and that person and their posse. Still, not life altering.

That was then.

This is now:

Your middle schooler buys a new shirt and what’s the first thing she does? Takes a selfie (self-portrait, for those out of the loop) and posts it on Instagram.

Think I’m joking?

A quick search of Instagram shows us… oh, look! – this was posted 18 minutes ago:

Ok, so not a big deal, this is how the world is. Your kids feel the need to share every single decision they ever make with the world at large. It’s just “kids these days”.

It’s true. It is “kids these days”. But does the feedback they receive on Instagram impact them? Do you think they base their identity in it?

What happens when your daughter’s new shirt picture didn’t get as many “likes” or comments as the picture her friend posted of her new shirt?

Do you think she even cares about that stuff?

Yea, I’d say so. Your sons do, too:

This guy specifically asks for comments AND a certain number of likes. 40, to be exact.

[Side note: don't forget to read what your kids post in the hashtags of their photos. (That's the # sign with a bunch of words crammed after it, like #40likesplease.) They use it as an aside comment, which, parents, is just as important to pay attention to as the photo caption.]

We’re no longer in world of handwritten “circle yes or no” notes between two people; your kids are living social lives on a completely public forum.

This is not new information.

But, taking it a step further: have you considered that your child is given numerical values on which to base his or her social standing? For the first time ever your children can determine their “worth” using actual numbers provided by their peers!

Let me explain…

Your daughter has 139 followers which is 23 less than Jessica, but 56 more than Beau. Your son’s photo had 38 likes which was 14 less than Travis’ photo, but 22 more than Spencer’s.

See what I mean? There’s a number attached to them. A ranking.

And if you think they don’t actually pay attention to this stuff, read the hashtags on these photos:

sorry for the ghetto circlage, but you get the point.

Do you see what’s happening? #3newfollowers, #77likes #i#am#so#popular, #morefollowersplease

They’re definitely paying attention. And it’s definitely affecting them.

It’s not just about assumed popularity anymore. It’s explicit. It’s quantifiable.

At arguably the most awkward time in their lives, a crucial time of development when they are trying to figure out who they are and where they belong, this is what they’re up against. A quantifiable popularity ranking.

So, back to the lesson we were supposed to teach. I started thinking about everything I’ve mentioned above and thought, “Maybe our girls are different. Maybe their faith buffers them from being caught up as deeply in this as their friends.”

Wrong.

In talking to our girls, I was blown away by their responses:

They know exactly – to the digit – how many followers they have (and who they follow that isn’t following them back). They get their feelings hurt when the popular kids “like” the pictures above and below theirs on the Instagram newsfeed, but not their picture. They delete pictures of themselves when they don’t get as many likes as they were hoping for. They don’t get invited to parties, but see all the fun they missed out on in every photo posted from it. They post ugly pictures of their friends to get revenge for some heinous act they committed (like saying Louis is their favorite One Direction member).

Whoa.

Before we all freak out and delete Instagram and all other social apps, may I just say (with approximately zero authority or expertise on the subject):

This is no cause for mass hysteria. My intent is not to scare you away from these sites, because I don’t think the solution is to write them off entirely. This is a part of your kids’ communication that is here to stay. (I don’t just mean Instagram – it could die tomorrow. But social media? It’s here for good, in some form or fashion.)

Remember: social media can be SO FUN. (I know you love you some Pinterest, girl.)

Plus, not all kids are the same. Some place an unhealthy amount of self worth in their social media accounts, some could care less about it. Regardless, it’s important to think about no matter where your children fall on the spectrum.

My intent is to dig a little deeper into the impact these sites can have on your kids. To start thinking about how to safeguard childrens’ hearts and minds against what appears to a 12 year old to be concrete numerical evidence about their value and popularity.

How do you regulate activity on these sites while keeping it fun for your kids? How do you talk to them about the numbers (likes, comments, followers) provided by their peers not being an accurate representation of their value and worth? How do you teach them to base their identity solely in Christ – to be confident daughters and sons of the King?

I have no idea.

I can tell you what we talked about with our 8th grade friends:

We talked about posting photos of things other than themselves, to avoid setting themselves up for insecurity about their appearance. We talked about guarding their hearts with scriptures from God’s Word and reminding themselves whose they were. We talked about inner beauty and encouraging their friends’ strengths and…a whole host of other stuff.

What we said isn’t really important. What’s important is where you come in, parents. You know your kids and you know the insecurities they face.

I hope this information is helpful for you, or at least gets you thinking. Or, if all else fails, got you to smile at my own Instagram picture of my son in his Little Tikes truck at Sonic. You know that’s cute.

I love your kids so, so much and I want them to know just how special and wonderful and unique they are. I don’t want a stupid thing like followers and likes to tell them any differently.

Do your kids have an Instagram account?  If so, how old are they?

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photo   © 1910   The Library of Congress , Flickr

Today as we finish this series, I want to focus solely on the marriage relationship.  My theory is that if the marriage is good there is a much better chance for the family to be good.  Strong marriages can produce strong families. 

Let’s start with this:

Marriage is a gift from God. We are accountable to Him with how we handle that gift. In my marriage, I have two major choices: I can work hard to make it the best marriage possible or I can really mess it up. I can choose to nurture my relationship with my wife or I can choose to damage the relationship by either doing something that hurts my wife or by simply coasting through marriage without bothering to work at it.

How is a marriage relationship nurtured? I often talk to men who really want their marriages to be better but just do not know what to do. Men are usually not very relational, but their wives usually are. Men need to understand how to relate to their wives on this level. Wives long for their husbands’ companionship. They not only want their husbands to spend time with them but they want their husbands to actually enjoy that time spent together. If you are a husband, remember this: Your wife wants to be your first choice. And if you are a wife, remember this: Your husband wants to be your first choice. Here are some ideas to help make that happen:

    ▶ Talk together and ask each other how you would each like to spend time together.

    ▶ When your spouse is talking to you, listen—I mean really listen-and be ready to respond.

    ▶ Next to God, think of your spouse first.

    ▶ Pray for each other.

    ▶ Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you.

    ▶ Surprise each other at unexpected moments.

    ▶ Say “I love you” to each other every day.

Your spouse is a gift from God. Don’t ever lose sight of that truth. Each day thank God for your gift and ask Him to guide you in your role as a husband or a wife. Pray to see your spouse each day through God’s eyes. Cherish your spouse. It’s your job.

What is 1 thing YOU can do today to cherish your spouse?

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photo   © 2007   MyAngelG , Flickr

“His feet, her feet, fuzzy fur feet.  In the house and on the street.  How many, many feet you meet.”

One of my favorite books to read with my youngest son is “The Foot Book” by Dr. Seuss.  It’s his favorite because he has it memorized and he feels like he’s reading it by himself!  I love it because it rhymes and it’s a short book… ha!  Tucked away in the pages of this children’s book is a great lesson we all can learn from.  I was aware of the cute lesson but it came to life after my recent to trip to Haiti. 

After a long day in the hot Haitian sun, carrying rocks to lay a foundation for a new school, feeding the children in school, going on a 2 hour hike with several girls hanging on my arms, giving out lots of energy and love… I was really tired.  As everyone was heading back to the bus, I wanted to put my feet in the river for a few minutes to cool off.  When I got to the river, there were about 6 partially clothed (mostly naked) kids splashing in the river.  I sat down on a rock, took off my sweaty socks, dirty shoes and put my stinky (but well manicured:) feet in the water.  A young girl around the age of 13 came and sat at my feet and began to wash them.  She smiled sweetly.  I froze.  I couldn’t move.  If I pulled my feet away, I would be rude.  I offered to help but she pushed my hands away.  I sat humbly… in wonder, awe, & reverence as she washed my feet. 

I was reminded of what the bible tells us in John 13, “So if I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you must wash each other’s feet. I’ve given you an example that you should follow.” 

Feet are interesting.  They are the last thing in the world you want to touch.  They stink.  They have toe jam, weird toe nails, and they’re dirty.  But… every foot represents a person, a soul, a face, that needs to be touched with grace, hope and love.  I want to teach my children that all of the ‘many feet they meet’ have a name and are valuable to God.  One child being the hands and feet of Jesus to another human being changes lives… mine was changed!

“Twenty-four feet.  Here come more and more……….and more feet!  Left foot. Right foot. Feet. Feet. Feet.  Oh how many feet you meet.”

How many feet do you meet in a day?

How can you bring value and worth to the many feet around you?

What are some ideas your kids can do to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others?

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• Over The Top Celebration:  Everything is not a freakin big deal!  Don’t train your kiddos to expect their college room mates to clap, celebrate, cheer and front flip when they flush the toilet and take out the trash.

• Fun To Fun:  I can’t stand city athletic programs and parents that don’t keep score when kiddos are playing a game.  Just in case you didn’t know the score is never just FUN to FUN…someone WINS and someone LOSES!!  Teach your kids to win humbly and loose with honor!

• The Silent Treatment:  Your kiddos will need counseling if you give them the silent treatment.  So many parents give their kids the silent treatment when they are mad, disagree with their kiddos, when their kids play a bad game, when they walk away from Jesus, if they are gay, make a poor choice, choose stupid friends…  I think you get the idea!  We may not agree with our kiddos, but we must walk in maturity and keep all lines of communication open.

• Be Best Friends:  You’re an adult for crying out loud!  Be your kids parent, not their best friend!

• Be Perfect:  Your kiddos need to know that you fail, that your marriage is not perfect, that you have made stupid financial decisions…the last thing your kiddos need is a perfect mom and dad.

So here is the question of the day…

Do you make your (or did you make) your kiddos walk on egg shells?  If so, please share your story!!

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Fr. Richard Rohr is a Franciscan priest of the New Mexico Province. He founded the New Jerusalem Community in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1971, and the Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque, New Mexico in 1986, where he presently serves as Founding Director.

He has written extensively about the five essential truths to which men must awaken if they are to grow up into their God-given masculinity and spirituality.

I believe his conclusions are truths that all parents must take the time to teach their sons AND daughters.

So here ya go…

• Life is hard.

• You are not that important.

• Your life is not about you.

• You are not in control..
• You are going to die.

It took me well into my 20′s, 30′s and if I’m honest…into my 40′s to come to grips with some of these truths.

Save your kiddos years of learning and pain by taking the time and depositing these truths deep into their DNA!!

Which 1 of these truths do you need to teach your kiddos today??

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You

photo   © 2010   David Salafia , Flickr

My little dudes aren’t old enough to understand the rules of baseball. I remember trying to attempt T-ball when my oldest was only 4 and it was a hysterical nightmare. We strapped a toddler-sized glove on his little hand, plopped a bulky helmet on his head, and told him to go into the outfield and catch a baseball. We’d worked on his hand/eye coordination for weeks in the backyard, tossing balls to him, letting him run imaginary bases, and bat about a million balls over the back fence. He was a natural and we knew he’d be spectacular.

The minute he stepped onto the field, however, he was like a fish out of water. He looked at us with eyes of horror and watched ball after ball sail past him as he stood frozen in fear. It wasn’t HIS backyard. The ball was different. The people were different. All eyes were on him and he was afraid. 

As parents, this is quite often how we feel. We experience this sense of insecurity the minute they place that little bundle in your arms and that feeling doesn’t go away as they grow. Just when you think you’ve got THIS phase down and are settled into your routine, you get thrown another parenting curve ball and you are once again in the outfield, out of your own backyard, and a “fish out of water” once again.

I’ve gone through situation after situation when I feel like “all eyes are on me” as a parent. When my little monster is throwing a World Series-size tantrum in the middle of Wal-Mart, I think to myself, This is not the way we practiced how we would behave in public. This is NOT the kind of parenting I prepared myself for. . . I’m pretty sure these circumstances will get more intense as my guys grow up to be little hipsters with mustaches and armpit hair and hormones. I cannot imagine how some of you deal with some of the parenting curve balls that are thrown your way in this crazy journey. Kids bullying your child, a teen with suicidal thoughts, your tween experimenting with drinking much too early, young kids being sexually active when you thought you’d taught them everything that they’d need to know about being “Worth the Wait” and purity, your son or daughter revealing to you that they “think” they are homosexual. . .This world is spinning out of control and as parents, we can’t prepare for every little situation that may come our way. The only thing we CAN do is trust and not be afraid. 

Isaiah 12:2 says “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.”

In this massive responsibility of raising tiny humans, there will be times when we feel completely out of control. The ways that we’ve prepared for “the game” may become absolutely worthless and routines may not always run smoothly. We MUST let God lead us to the rock that is higher than us and our circumstances. There are growth opportunities in every situation with our children. Growth for them and growth for us. Instead of bemoaning the loss of our own plan or our sense of control, we need to accept life’s challenges, trust and do not be afraid. These moments of being “frozen in fear” as parents are God’s greatest moments to take hold of the reigns and bring your whole family closer to Him. Remember the rules of the game. Stay calm, stay focused, and never quit.  Pray, Trust, and do not be afraid of the curve balls.  God may just have a home run in mind for it after all!

Ok…are there other mom’s out there that can relate to how I feel?  Any other mom’s out there and  your kiddos have thrown a temper tantrum in the middle of Wal Mart??

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photo   © 2012   Sebastien Wiertz , Flickr

As I think back about my most influential moments as a parent, I think a humble apology is at the top of my list.  I’ll never forget the look in each of my son’s eyes when I knelt down  in order to get eye level with them, and sincerely asked them to forgive me something I did wrong. Something happened that forever changed the relationship I have with each of my boys when big daddy was willing to humble himself before each of them and ask for their forgiveness.

We all demand that our kiddos apologize when they wrong a sibling, friend or adult, but what about modeling the apology process to them when you blow it?  All of us as parents blow it, and we blow it on a regular basis.  Instead of giving your kiddos anxiety by always acting like your poop is all in one pile and it does not stink, acknowledge your humanity and ask for their forgiveness.

The most amazing part of teaching them to apologize is not even in what you are teaching, but in what you will receive.  You will receive the most non-judgmental, heartfelt forgiveness available from another human.  Your kiddos will teach you the power of forgiveness as you teach them the power of an apology.  Talking about a win – win!

What do you need to apologize to your son or daughter about today?  Don’t delay!  God is waiting to do something special in your relationship.

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• Marinate:  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control…”  Galatians 5:22-23  Mom’s, are you having a difficult time consistently showing your kids’ love, walking in joy, having peace even if all hell is breaking loose, staying patient when nothing is going right, being kind…  You get the idea.  God’s Word tells us that when we marinate in the person of Jesus supernatural fruit will grow.  So during the week set aside time to sing to Jesus, journal your prayers, shotgun your prayers all throughout the day, join a Women’s/Mom’s Bible study, read Abba’s Child (this book changed my life).  Get up before the kiddos and study one scripture, pray through the names of God, find a spiritual mentor to help you get out of your dry spiritual rut.  The only way to have true love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control is to sit at the feet of and marinate in the presence of Jesus.

• Girls Night:  Make sure that you have time set aside for hanging out with the girlfrandz!!  That’s right!  NO poopie diapers, NO romantic night of ESPN, NO playing taxi cab…a time for just you and your lady friends.

• Get Yourself Beautified:  That’s right…take some time and get your hair did, manicure, pedicure or massage.

• Say NO To Social:  Take a day and say NO to Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Texting, Email and chit chattin on the phone.  This my mom friends…will set you free!

• Take Care of You:  It’s time to get to the gym!!  That’s right…Buns of Steel, P90, Insanity, Womens’ Boot Camp, Olivia Newton John and Let’s Get Physical, thigh master or Gold’s Gym.  I know you don’t have time.  I know you’re too busy.  I know that you’re too tired.  Here is what Jen of Getting Fit With Jen has to say about exercise and energy…

When we exercise, we increase blood flow. This helps deliver more oxygen throughout our bodies. We need that oxygen to create energy.  As more oxygen is being delivered throughout our bodies, more energy is created.  Therefore, after a workout, you are likely to find that you feel much more energetic.

Also, exercise releases endorphins in our bodies.  You don’t want me to go into the chemistry mumbo-jumbo to explain that, so I’ll just say that endorphins released in our bodies will give us a “feel good” sensation.  In addition, working out gets us in better shape which in the long run means that we don’t get as tired as quickly, which is much like having extra energy.

Can’t get to they gym?

Studies show that doing just 10 minutes of physical activity three times a day can improve mood, relieve depression, and increase feelings of well-being.

Ok Moms…if you’re not taking care of you it’s impossible to take care of others.  Will you make a commitment to get moving today?

So what are you going to do?  Which 1 of these do you need to implement in your life today?  Leave a comment and let me know.

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