The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says

Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

The 999th year of my walking death a year I looked forward to, this was the year I would feed on the blood of thousands. It was to be a celebration of my thousandth year of blood letting. I was in Italy then, I remember, Duccio’s Maestà Altarpiece was unveiled and installed in the Siena Cathedral in Siena, Italy. I was traveling to my home near Mt. Etna, the sun was about to set, my horse was skittish and I felt the first tremor. It never surprised me to feel tremors along this road it happened frequently near the smoking mount. The tremor would not be felt by any normal human and one such as I could feel the shift in the earth, the slight shift in the stone deep beneath the ground. Natural forces are a cruel mistress, the tremor became more aggressive and I new that the ground was about to explode beneath me, leaping from my horse I flew swiftly through the air. Rock and debris blast holes in everything around me, the horse went down in a heap of broken flesh. I dodge most of the blast, it was the second blast that caught me off guard even with my heightened senses, the heat of the liquid fire sear right through my left side. I grab at a tree and pull myself in the opposite direction. More liquid fire erupting around me, I cannot die easily but this fire would surely destroy one such as I. I scanned my horizon looking for a place to take cover, my flesh blistering as I searched. I was in luck or so I thought at the time. In the tree line was a abandoned hovel perhaps a hunters lodge made of stone. the liquid fire spraying all around it, it took just an instant to move to that hovel. I entered it was less oppressive inside, the ground shook and more of the earth exploded outside. I could see through an opening that fired and ash was everywhere the heat became more intense once again. I came to the conclusion that the only way to save myself would to be to bury myself in the earth and dig myself out later. I began to dig I slash huge furrows in the dirt it was not long before I reach solid stone beneath, it was a shallow hole however it would have to do. Another explosion shook the ground I grab part of the stone wall and tore the section away to use as a cover. Laying on my back the earth around me continued to shake, loose earth seep in on me cover me. I thought that I would survive and be free of here when it was over, to my dismay the it only got very hot in my tomb. Yes, It became my tomb, the liquid fire pored over my shelter some of it seeping in to burn away more of my flesh. I was in agony for some time as the earth its self crushed me in its embrace. Everything began to cool the only thing I new was that the earth was tight around me, restrained me unable to move the barest. I was trapped time would pass and I grew hungry and the pain of not being able to feast on precious blood would weaken me. I was aware that I would wither like a true corpse but never truly die.epw55, Thousand Years Of Blood, Jan 2010

You should read the whole article.

Read more about The Damien Cripps Band on Sunny’s Spin Shack also visit there blog Damien Cripps Band, Australia.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, “You know, Jim one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”