We drove here this morning, a 3 hour drive through San Francisco and the forests of the North Bay.  The views were breathtaking and the little towns we passed were picturesque without being cheesy.  In fact, that 3 hour drive turned into a 4 hour drive because we decided to take an hour break in a little town called Healdsburg and nap on the benches in their town square.

All in all, I love it up here.  It’s incredibly relaxing, something I don’t get to do too often.  I want to do this again, I want to make it a tradition.

Kids Hate Traditions Because They Don’t Feel Connected To Them

Growing up I hated traditions.  I disliked my Jewish heritage and didn’t really enjoy ceremonies like Passover or Hunnukah (except the food, I LOVED the food!).  I didn’t appreciate days like the Fourth of July or Memorial day and I had no idea why we would ever honor these traditions.  They felt old, out of place and out of touch.  I wanted nothing to do with them.

As I aged I realized that traditions were worthwhile in some cases but could only be appreciated if you were a part of them.  I didn’t appreciate Jewish traditions because I lacked belief, which is ok.  I didn’t appreciate American traditions like the Fourth of July because I didn’t understand what we were celebrating.  I didn’t feel a connection to these traditions and so they meant nothing to me.

My family didn’t have many traditions either, except possibly my weekly movie day with my father, and so I continued to view traditions as something useless, something like a dreary routine to be avoided by constantly trying out new things.  It was only when I became a man that I finally realized what traditions meant.

Traditions Remind Us Of Who We Are, While We Continue Growing And Changing

Traditions are the anchor to our boat.  Yes, they can weigh us down if we blindly follow them, but they can also provide us with a safe point, a place where we feel secure, a harbor from which to continue exploring.  I have several traditions now, like my weekly game night with my 5 closest friends, a tradition we’ve carried on for almost 7 years now.  These game nights are my safety zone, they’re the place I could feel at home, even when my life was in turmoil.  When all else broke, I always knew that weekly game night was something I could rely on.

Now that I’m married to Julie, we’re developing our own traditions.  Sure, we still explore and we still try out new things like flying to Charleston, SC on a whim after finding some free Southwest tickets but we love our traditions.  We love the walk on Saturday mornings to our favorite local restaurant where we almost always order the same thing because it’s a known thing.  Sure, after that walk we can figure out all sorts of new and exciting things to explore on a Saturday, but that walk is a tradition now, a thing that anchors us and our relationship.

We love our standard hike up in the hills of Point Reyes.  Sure we can and do explore other parks and we love discovering new places, but that hike is a familiar and beloved experience that we can enjoy on days where we feel like doing something old and familiar.  We know every step without needing a map.  We know exactly where the lake is if we want to swing on the rope and jump into the icy water.  We even know where that great burger place is on the way back home where we each order our favorites.  It’s a familiar joy, different than the joy of trying something new, but just as satisfying.

And yes, I’ve even developed an appreciation for non personal traditions.  Now that I’ve traveled the world, I have a greater understanding of what the United States truly means, and so the Fourth of July is more than just an opportunity to BBQ, it’s now a time when I appreciate the tradition of service, community and industry left for us by the founding fathers.   I feel apart of this tradition and it has great meaning to me.  Alas, I still have no faith and so I cannot truly appreciate Jewish traditions but that’s ok, some traditions fall by the way side as others are born.

A New Tradition Is Born

Which brings me to this weekend in Albion and to this wonderful hotel.  I love this place.  I love the solitude and the atmosphere.  I love the food and the people.  I love the idea of getting away for the weekend and I want to do this again and again.  Luckily, Julie’s birthday comes every year, which means I have an excuse to do this again and again.  In fact, I believe a new tradition was just born.

We're Still Looking For A Home For Him. Please Contact Me If Interested.

I was on the way to the airport today when I spotted a puppy running along the side of the street.  Cars were veering to avoid him and a biker was yelling to him to stop chasing him.  He was obviously a puppy, maybe 3 or 4 months old, but not a single person stopped to check up on him.  All they cared about was getting on with their lives.

I stopped.  It took a while to earn his trust but soon he was as playful as any 3 month old puppy.  He had scars of abuse and neglect on him but he was also willing to trust me.  I took him to the local shelter, thinking that was the best thing to do, but I was informed that he would be put down if no one picked him up after 4 days.  The center had too many abandoned dogs and too many of them were pit bulls like this little guy.  So I signed up to adopt him.

Because Hitting “Share” Is Just Too Damned Hard

When I got home I shared his story on facebook and tried to find him a permanent home.  My wife and I already have one rescue and, since we’re talking about kids, this is not the best of times to pick up a stray puppy.  I posted a picture and told his story.  I expected my friends to help, to share his story, to try and find him a home.  Almost none of them did.  Sure, some of them could have missed this update, some could be offline, some might never log into Facebook and some might have me on ignore.  All of these things are possible but they still don’t account for everyone.

These people were happy to share videos of babies crying, pictures of funny looking signs, their latest complaints about their life or some celebrity gossip, but only seven or eight put in the effort to help, for which I am eternally grateful by the way.  The rest apparently thought pressing the share button was too difficult a task in return for the possibility of saving a life.

Why Don’t People Care?

I’m not even talking about the people who would abuse a little puppy here, clearly there’s something wrong with them and I’m going to just write them off.  I’m talking about my friends.  I’m talking about people who seem to be perfectly normal, people who should care (about helping me with something I care about even if they don’t love animals) but don’t.  Is it really that difficult to share something?  Were they ashamed?  Did they think their friends would think less of them for trying to help a puppy?

Have we really become a nation of people who are ashamed for their friends to think they care about little things like an abused puppy?  Or do we just not care anymore?  Have we stepped over one too many homeless people, seen one too many war atrocity, heard one too many pleas for help and just stopped caring?  Have we become so overwhelmed with everything that needs helping that we don’t help even when we can?

Do What You Can

I can’t help all the puppies in the world, just like I can’t help all the homeless, just like I can save all the kids in warzones, just like I can’t protect all the rain forests in the Amazon.  But there are things that I can do, and those I will do with all my heart.  I help the homeless when I can, I volunteer in my community when I can, I donate to various causes when I can and I will save this puppy if I can.  I do this because I think it’s not enough to just live in this world and it’s not enough to just sit around and enjoy my little piece of life.  I want to live knowing that I make a difference, that I matter, even if it’s just in the life of one little abused puppy.

What about you?

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And my eternal thanks to those of you who did share that Facebook post.  You restore my faith in humanity with a simple click of a button.

I’m not sure what my friends and family will like.  I think I know them but people always manage to surprise you.  I’d rather share a small amount of things that I really enjoy with my entire social network and allow them to read them or not.  I also believe this is a good way of repaying someone who wrote excellent content or provided a good service.  I want to reward them by exposing them to more potential customers and this is a great way of doing so.

Gal’s Note – I’m clearly biased here since I want people to share my content and expose my work to more readers.  However, I do this with more than just my own content.

No Overshares Please

I do try to not share too much.  Doing so risks losing social capital because it seems like you’re just spamming at that point.  Posting once a week about an awesome new restaurant you discovered will definitely get my attention, if you post twice a day about the great food you’re eating, I’m just going to ignore you.  I disbelieve that every single restaurant you go to deserves my attention, same for every single show you see or every single article you read.

Ultimately, I like living in a world where sharing is the norm.  I’ve discovered so many new things I now enjoy thanks to the sharing of friends.  Everything from a new job to new restaurants and movies.  I think of it as a way of letting the world know of good things in life and encouraging more people to create great products, content and services.

So go my cultists!  Go out and SHARE!

Editor’s Note – I’m not usually one to talk about politics.  I prefer to keep this blog to topics like starting a business or finding jobs, but after a few recent events in my life, I thought this had to be written.  And yes, it does represent the opinion of Equally Happy and it’s employees

When I was 10 years old, my parents uprooted our family from Israel and brought us to the United States. We settled in a town called Lafayette, on the outskirts of the San Francisco Bay Area. This was in the early 80’s and Lafayette wasn’t used to immigrants. It was a predominantly white and Christian community, where most kids were born to American parents. To me, this was hell.

We came from a small, relatively agrarian community in Israel where kids were very open to newcomers. There were no cliques, no jocks, no nerds and no bullies. By comparison to that little slice of heaven, Springfield elementary was a warzone and I never knew where the next shot would come from. As a foreigner, especially one with an odd name and a strange accent, I was the outcast, the one to make fun of. Even worse, I came from the Middle East, an area that back then meant little more than wars and terrorism. I’ll spare you the details because that’s not the point of this post, but I will mention the two people who rose above the rest; the ones who made room in their lives for the foreign kid with the odd way of talking.

Good Kids Are Hard To Find

The first was Mike V. and he was just a good kid. Mike was friendly to everyone and made an effort to help me out with my adjustment to the new school. He was popular without trying, friendly without effort, but he also is not the point of this story. The one I would like to talk to you about was Jeff D. Like Mike, Jeff was American born, but unlike most of the kids at Springfield, Jeff’s parents were not. The first time I went to Jeff’s house I met his parents and found out, to my great dismay, that Jeff’s parents were Muslim, Palestinian and from the West Bank.

Remember, I was born and raised in Israel. To me, Palestinians were dirty menial laborers at best and potential terrorists at worst. They were the people I was warned to watch out for, not the ones I should befriend. Except I was in the US now and Jeff was one of the two people I thought of as a friend. So I stayed for dinner and I got to know Jeff’s parents.

Not So Different After All

I didn’t understand much of what they told me that day, but it stuck in my head forever after. They knew I was Israeli, Jeff had told them, but they still invited me to their home because they were determined to shed the old hatreds and move past the old fears. They too were taught to distrust and fear the other side, but they came to the US because they wanted a fresh start, a place to raise their kids without fear and hatred. I want you to consider that for a moment dear reader, a lonely Jewish kid from Israel and one of the few families to open their homes to me was Palestinian, people who 7,000 miles away would have been considered the enemy.

A dozen years later the scene would repeat itself as I sat in a crowded lunch room with two Israeli friends discussing where they had been during the Yom Kippur war. A man from the table next to us heard our conversation and walked over. He said “hey, I was there too” to which my friends replied “with which unit?” and the man said “Oh, I was with the Syrian army, I was shooting at you.” What followed was a lengthy and very friendly conversation from three people who decades before had literally tried to kill each other over a small strip of land.

People Are Just People

What both of these encounters, and others along the way, taught me was that people are just that, people. Their origin, race, religion and so on were just small aspects of what made them the person they were. Judging them based on nothing more than preconceived notions was not just wrong, but counter productive. Instead of leading to new friends it would lead to old arguments, and that’s a lesson I’ve kept in mind ever since and one which I (Once a Jewish Israeli and now an Atheist American) apply to everyone I meet.

Which leads me to today, to our modern times, where hating and distrusting Muslims and Arabs (and the two are not the same by the way) has become somewhat accepted and sometimes even encouraged. I see people calling Muslims untrustworthy and quoting archaic passages out of the Koran and it reminds me of the ones who used the Talmud to justify pogroms against Jews. I see members of my family expressing joy or happiness when civilians in Afghanistan are killed and justify their actions as “better them than us”. I see friends referring to Arabs as ragheads and talking about how middle easterners (and foreigners in general) should stay out of the US but then reassure me that they don’t mean me. Because yes, hearing that I’m their “safe negro” that they can boast of befriending and use to excuse their bigotry would make me feel happy.

When did this become ok?

Actually, I take that question back. I don’t care when this became ok nor do I want to know if you think it’s ok. I’m a firm believer that morality is subjective so who am I to preach right from wrong. I think this is abhorrent and I have no desire to associate with people who think this way, but that’s my morality, not yours. So let me ask a different question.

Can’t you see that this is a part of the problem?

This whole mess we’re in is because we’ve put ourselves into a situation of us versus them. We’ve convinced ourselves that, not only are they the enemy, but they’re some other breed of people, some strange animal that’s not quite human. We’ve convinced ourselves that there’s no reasoning with anyone of Muslim or Aram descent and that they’re all fanatics bent on killing us because they hate our life style.

And before you begin the cries of “oh yes, just another bleeding heart liberal saying we should forgive the terrorists”, let me clarify a few things. First, I’m a libertarian. Second, I believe in a strong army. Third, I believe that violence can and does solve many problems (one need only talk to the city fathers of Carthage to see the truth of that). However, I also believe that, as long as we retain this attitude of us vs. them, the only two possibilities are an endless war or escalating the level of violence to levels like we saw in WWII, where whole cities are wiped out and millions of people die. There’s no way to make peace with a people that we see as less than human, there’s no way to negotiate with a people we see as unreasonable. Which is why we need to remind ourselves of the truth and not sink further into these lies.

The truth is that not all Arabs are Muslim and not all Muslims are Arabs. The truth is that the biggest Muslim country is not even in the middle east, it’s Indonesia. The truth is that Jews and Muslims did not always hate each other, there were thriving communities of Jews in most Arab countries up until the creation of the state of Israel. The truth is that Iran is the only predominantly Muslim country that still retains a large Jewish community. The truth is that what we call Palestinian terrorists, they called freedom fighters. The truth is that what we call liberating Iraq, they call an invasion. The truth is that what we call “supporting our friends in the middle east”, they call “propping up dictators who oppress us”. The truth is that they are a people, just like any other people.

There are poor Muslims and rich ones. There are educated Arabs and ignorant ones. There are fanatic Palestinians and reasonable ones. There are middle eastern politicians who will do anything for power and there are idealists, who see themselves as something akin to George Washington. They are no different than us, no better and no worse.

The sooner we can see that, the sooner we can stop this madness.

I say this because of my observations of my politically active friends.  I’m sure you all have someone like this in your Facebook feed.  They’re the ones always posting the latest article about what president Obama is doing or why you should be outraged over something some politician did.  I have four of five friends like these, from both sides of the political spectrum.  I’ve looked at what these folks post and I’ve found something remarkable.  None of them actually posts constructive thoughts.  None of them posts suggestions on how to fix the problems our country faces.  All they post are political articles that distort the truth in an attempt to inflame emotions by showing how awful and evil the other side is.

My liberal friends will post stories about how the GOP is trying to destroy our civil rights and out of context videos of some small town mayor in Texas saying something stupid and then urge everyone to oppose republicans who are seeking to sell our country to rich corporations.  My conservative friends post stories about how Obama is trying to destroy our economy and some out of context speeches from a no name democratic strategist and then urge everyone to oppose democrats who are seeking to turn the US into a communist haven.  None of them post fresh ideas on how to solve the problems we face in education, jobs or healthcare.  None of them are willing to admit the other side may have a good point.  None of them are even talking about what their side is trying to do.  All they want to talk about is how awful and evil the side they oppose is.

This Is Not Constructive

None of these people realize that they are part of the problem, not the solution.  They can’t see that they’re the reason our country is broken nor do they understand how destructive their behavior is.  They think if only they can post more and more extreme political assassination articles, they’re going to “convince” us that the other side is awful.  If only they could show us how nefarious and evil the other side is, we’d join them and sweep away our opposition in a frenzy of idealist emotions.  If these people were a married couple, each argument would devolve into “well, you’re a horrible bitch who’s trying to bankrupt our family” and “well, you’re a horrible asshole who’s trying to sell our kids of as slaves” as they both tried to convince the kids that they’re the good parent.  Does this sound productive?  Does it sound like a marriage that’s going to last and thrive?

The fact is that if your relationship has devolved to the stage where you hate and despise the other side so much that all you care about is proving they suck, you’ve already lost.  There’s no coming back from this.  There’s no way to recover when neither side is interested in working together.  Now if we’re talking about marriage, where both sides will eventually just walk away and get a divorce, that’s one thing.  It’s a sad thing and it could have been avoided, but hey, that’s just one family.  But we’re not talking about a family here, we’re talking about our country.  We’re talking about the future of our kids.

I don’t know about you, but I want my kids to grow up in a stable, prosperous environment, not one that looks like the last days of the Roman Republic.

So Let’s Change This

You remember my idea for a cult?  Yah, let’s be a cult.  Let’s be a cult of reasonable people who’s not interested in stupid and destructive arguments.  Let’s tell our friends (and our politicians) that we’re no longer interested in stories about how awful the other side is.  Let’s ignore these stories or, better yet, let’s respond to them with the phrase “What constructive solution do you have to this problem?”  Let’s tell our leaders that we don’t care what the other side is doing wrong, we want to know what they’re going to do right.  If a friend posts a story about how bad the GOP is when it comes to civil rights for women, let’s respond not with arguments but with questions like “Can you tell me what you think is the right solution and how would you implement this solution?”  If our mom posts a story about how awful that Obama healthcare is, let’s respond with “How would you deal with poor people who have no insurance?  What effect would your proposed solution have on public health?”  Force these people to engage in a constructive conversation or simply ignore them and don’t provide them with the validation and attention they crave.  Best if all, let’s stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution.  Let’s stop sharing those negative stories and start sharing positive ones.  Let’s start talking to one another and try to understand different view points rather than try to tear each other down.  We all want to solve these problems, let’s admit that to eachother and start working together.

I know I’ve had my share of political rants but there comes a time when one needs to stop complaining and start coming up with solutions, and that time is here.  Our nation is running out of runway and we need to get our pilots to stop arguing with one another and start flying this damn plane.

How To Ask For Guest Post Opportunities

You’re going to be asking people to allow you to guest post.  That means contacting a blog’s owner and asking them if they will allow you to write content for them.  This sounds like a no brainer, why would they say no to free content?  But please realize that the blog’s owner is taking a risk on you.

First of all they may need to spend time formatting and editing your content.  Second, if your content is bad, that’s going to reflect poorly on them and their blog.  Finally, if they have too many guest posts, their site will start losing some of that personal touch that built up their traffic in the first place.  Also, keep in mind that owners of popular blogs get dozens of guest post requests every week.  Yours is one of many they’ll read today and they’re going to be looking for an excuse to filter you out.  So to avoid that, here are some tips on asking for guest post opportunities.

• Find the right target – If you’re just starting out, pitching a guest post to Tim Ferriss might be a stretch.  Pitch to some smaller blogs and build a reputation and some traffic first.  However, if you have spare time, pitch to the big boys too.  There’s no harm in it and after seeing your name a few times, they might actually say yes.  Also, don’t be scared to pitch again if you got no reply. Second or third time might be the charm.  Just wait a few weeks/months and come up with a different topic to pitch.
• Be an active participant on the site – If you’ve been commenting and participating in the conversation on their site, blog owners are much more likely to say yes, or at least read your request.
• Pitch specific topics – Don’t just offer to write a guest post, offer to write on a specific topic.  For example, if you’re pitching a guest post on my fitness blog, don’t just tell me you’re going to write an article about fitness, tell me that you’re going to write an article about interval training and how it helps with building speed.
• Do your research – When you’re pitching a specific topic, make sure it’s not one the site already covered in depth.  For example, I’m writing a series of how to generate traffic to a website.  Pitching me that as a topic isn’t very interesting.  One exception to this rule would be to fill in a gap in my content.  For example, if someone sent me a guest post request that said “hey, I noticed you’re writing about generating traffic to a website.  I have extensive SEO experience and I was wondering if you’d be interested in a guest post talking about SEO tools”,  now that would be interesting.
• If possible, include an outline – Don’t just tell me about the topic, actually tell me about the content.  What details will you include?  What’s the point of the article?  What conclusions will it draw?  I want to know this before I say yes.
• If it’s not obvious, tell me who you’re going to be linked back to – I know you want a link in your guest post, everyone does.  Heck, it’s why we all do guest posts, for the linkbacks.  However, I want to know that I’m not going to be linking back to some website selling viagra online.  So please make that clear if it’s not already.
• Send samples – If you’ve done previous guest posts, include a link to them.  I want to see that you don’t just write fluff pieces.
• Follow the guidelines – Some sites have specific instructions for people looking to guest post.  FOLLOW THEM!  NO EXCEPTIONS!

How To Write A Good Guest Post

And what would make the guest post itself successful?

• Limit the links please – Yes, again, I know guest posts are all about links, but there’s a limit.  If every other sentence in your posted is a link to one of your articles, that’s too much.  Be sensible please.  One note though is that linking back to your host site’s articles is fine.
• Limit the self promotion – Some self promotion is fine, especially if it’s relevant to the topic.  However, spending all your time telling my readers how your new SEO tool is the best and is available for a really low price, that’s not ok.  The only exception to that is if you cleared it with me ahead of time.  For example, if your guest post pitch was “hey, I have a cool new SEO tool and I would like to write a guest post about it because it goes with your current series”, I might actually be interested in that.  Just be honest.
• Don’t reuse content – I want something original.  I don’t want something you’ve already used on your own blog or someone else’s.
• Don’t save your best content – I understand you want to write the best articles on your own site but I want quality articles for my own site.  If you’re just regurgitating the same crap I see everywhere else, I’m not going to be interested.
• It’s ok to be controversial – The  best guest posts are the ones who present a different view point.  So if you want to disagree with something I say, that’s great.  Present a different view point, I welcome it!  Just do so politely and without calling me an idiot please.
• Include your bio – Make sure you include a description of who you are.  This is also your chance to your backlinks by the way since bios will always link back to your site.

How To Deliver A Good Guest Post

Yes, after writing the post, your job is still not done

• Send me two files – One should be easily readable to I can understand your content.  The other should be formatted for WordPress (or the platform you’re writing for), complete with links and such.
• Remind me – Wait three days.  If I don’t respond, send me a reminder.  Do that a couple of more times and if I still don’t respond then move on.  Sorry, it happens.  Still, don’t be afraid to remind me again two or three months down the road.  Maybe I was just having a bad week.
• Answer questions – When the post is posted, be there to answer questions in the comments.
• Link Back – Link back to the guest post from your own blogs.  Yes, I want some link love too!

And Remember…

All of this work pays off.  You’ll be getting ignored a lot at first but as you build more of a reputation, you’ll find quite a few more doors opening.  So keep at it.

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Here are a few samples of recent guest posts I’ve written

• Get Rich Slowly
• A Simple Marriage
• GKDating

A couple of places to find guest posting opportunities:

• My Blog Guest
• Blogger Link Up

And when you're lonely, tired and stressed, guess what you brain thinks when it sees that ex?

Ahh the brain, it’s a wonderful thing.  So full of interesting mechanisms that we’re only now beginning to understand.  One of those mechanisms is dopamine, a chemical all of us should be intimately familiar with.  What the heck am I talking about you ask?  Allow me to explain!

Welcome To Your Brain On Drugs

Dopamine is a chemical that your brain releases in order to get you focused on what you want.  Note that I say “want”.  This is important because dopamine is often confused with chemicals or reactions that simulate pleasure.  It isn’t.  Dopamine is to pleasure what hunger is to eating.  It’s what lust is to sex.  Dopamine is desire.  It’s wanting.  It’s not actually having.  It’s the mechanism your brain uses to tell your body, “I want this!  Get it for me.”

In fact, as late as 1953, two scientists by the name of James Olds and Peter Milner thought they had discovered the pleasure center of the brain when they were able to change the behavior of rats through the use of electrodes implemented in the brain.  These rats were willing to undergo pain and forego food just to get a little bit more stimulation to the area of the brain that controlled dopamine release.  These experiments were duplicated with human beings who again were willing to forego food in favor of a dopamine rush.

Desire Vs. Pleasure

In fact, Olds and Milner didn’t discover the pleasure center, they discovered the reward center.  This is the part of the brain that’s responsible for guiding your desires by telling you what you want.  It responds to certain cues by flooding your body with dopamine.  At that point, you capacity to make intelligent decisions is diminished as your body focuses purely on obtaining the object being desired.

This worked very well for primitive man who lived in a world of scarcity.  When the brain spotted something it wanted, like a piece of meat or a potential mate, it focused all efforts on obtaining that, even at the cost of other things.  That’s a good thing when you need to compete to survive and everything is short term.  Rather than overthinking things, the brain forced you to focus on just the thing you need to survive and nothing else.  Great solution for a primitive world, not so great for a complex one.

Sex Sells, As Does Hunger

Marketers have been using this trick on you for decades.  Why do you think restaurants smell the way they do?  Why do you think beer commercials have barely clad women in them?  Why do retailers use words like “while supplies last” or “50%!”?  All of these are ways of triggering your brain into a state of desire.

You walk by the Cinnabon restaurant at the mall, your nose sniffs that heavenly scent (which is artificially manufactured in many cases by the way).  At that point your brain, still thinking it’s living in a primitive world of scarcity, becomes fixated on obtaining sugar, a rare commodity back in the caveman days.  The brain releases dopamine, you become fixated on the object you desire and you lose the capacity to make intelligent decisions.  Therefore you eat a cinnabon even though you’re trying to lose weight.

By the way, current theory is that the effect of dopamine is roughly equivalent to that of being drunk.  That is, your decision making capability is the same while on dopamine as it is when you’re heavily impaired by about three to five drinks of alcohol.  That’s more than enough to make you incapable of driving, much less make intelligent decisions about spending or eating.

So About Those Facebook Ex’es…

Note – The following is not meant to imply that your marriage is weak or that your spouse is unfaithful.  This isn’t about your marriage or your morals, this is about your biology and your biology is very different from your marriage and morals.  

When you see an ex on facebook, your morals may be telling you no, but your biology is telling you yes.  Your biology remembers sex with that ex, it remembers the good things, not the bad.  Your brain says “yes, that sounds good, get me some of that!” and releases dopamine.  That in turn makes you the equivalent of a drunk person and do you know what happens when a drunk person is around their ex?  Yah, it’s not a good thing for marriage.

This is especially true for men, who have a biology programmed to reward them for mating with as many women as possible.  Our higher functions may live in a modern world where monogamy is the norm, but our lower functions (pun intended) live in a world where you mate with as many women as possible to make sure your genes are carried on.  So we see an ex, biology takes over and all of a sudden we’re flirting with them on facebook or asking them out for a drink after work, just as friends of course…

Basic rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t trust yourself around this person while drunk, you shouldn’t be around them while high on dopamine.  This is why you shouldn’t have them as your facebook friends.  Because you may be able to control your drinking (at least most of you can), but you can’t really control when and how your brain releases dopamine.  Ladies, this is true of every man, no matter how much they claim that their will power is awesome and that ex means nothing to them.

Actually, That’s Not Completely True

You can in fact counter the effects of dopamine simply by recognizing the tricks marketers play on you.  When walking by that Cinnabon, you can recognize that scent for what it is (a dirty marketing trick).  That allows your higher brain functions to override your base instincts and walk on without eating a thousand calories you don’t need.  However, this trick only works some of the time.  It won’t work when you’re tired or stressed.  That’s fine when it comes to Cinnabon, a rare sugar binge won’t kill you, but “works some of the time” is not good when it comes to those facebook ex’es…

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If you’re dead set on having them as Facebook friends, just hide their update.  It’s the picture of them unexpectedly popping up in your stream that will trigger the desire function and the consequences.  As they say, “out of sight, out of mind”.

I'll forever cherish our honeymoon in Croatia

I’m a big fan of Robert Altucher and his blog, The Altucher Confidential.  In particular, I like his series of posts answering questions from readers.  Today’s post though set off a little fire work in my head.  You see, Robert talks about how he’d rather stay home and do the little things than go on a vacation.  He doesn’t like the stress of a vacation, nor the expenses and the time wasted.  I think a bit differently.

Happiness Now Versus Happy Memories

Let’s separate out two concepts.  First, momentary happiness.  That’s the feeling you have when you’re having a relaxing day at home.  You’re content, life is good.  You’re on the sofa, snuggling with a loved one, reading a book or just enjoying the silence.  Perhaps you’re at the local coffee shop, sipping on a latte and enjoying people watching.  Whatever the case may be, you’re happy.  Life is good and you’re enjoying it.

Then there are the happy memories of times gone by.  The smile on your wife’s face as she walked down the aisle at your wedding.  The first time your child walked.  That trip to Tahoe with your friends that ended up with two of you drunk and almost going to jail.  That vacation in Croatia where you rented a boat and sailed on the ocean.  These are the happy memories that you will cherish for the rest of your life.  These are the stories you’ll tell your grandchildren.

Which Is More Important?

There’s no right answer here.  If you want to live a happy life you need to have both.  I’ve known people who live their whole lives for their next big vacation.  They hate their lives and their jobs and they focus only on the next time they’re going to do something fun.  They scrimp and they save and they invest every bit of their time in planning their next big vacation.  In the meantime, they complain about every aspect of their lives.  This sounds miserable to me.  How can you spend the majority of your life being stressed out?  I’d much rather take some time (and money) and invest it in current happiness.

On the other hand, I know people who do nothing at all.  They live day to day following the same routine over and over.  Sure, they seem to have fun, they go out with friends, they enjoy the occasional party but they have no big plans, no desire to do anything out of their routine.  This would drive me insane out of sheer dullness.  Where are the cool stories?  Where are the great memories?

There’s a great quote by Michael Ondaatje:

“We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have plunged into and swum up as if rivers of wisdom, characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in as in caves.  I wish for all this to be marked on my body when I am dead.  I believe in such cartography.”

That to me is a life worth living.  A life that was full of amazing experiences, even though some of them may have scarred us with in their passing.  Sure, that vacation was stressful to plan and that trip was a bit expensive and that kid was 18 years of hard work, but those memories will live with us forever.  They will be there when we’re old, telling us that we lived a life full and rich in experiences.

The Right Way Is Balance

As with many things, the right path is one of balance.  I choose to spend my life finding ways in which I can be happy from day to day.  I invest in the little things, the afternoon nap or the evening walk, because they make me content.  I also choose to invest in the big things, the honeymoon in Europe and the guy’s trip to Vegas, because they are the birth place of memories which I will cherish forever.

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And speaking of which, my wife and I are going to Charleston and Savannah in a couple of weeks.  If anyone has suggestions for cool things to do, please let me know!

Five Reasons To Be Stingy With Your Spouse – This actually reminded me of a lesson I learned recently in my own relationship.  There is no such thing as reciprocity in love.  You do the things you do because you love the other person, not in exchange for something you want them to do.

Five Steps To Maintaining Your Cool – Great article about being calm in the face of criticism.  I often make the mistake of responding too hastily and it’s something I’ve worked on in the past few years.

Getting Emotional About Money – I was reminded of the Grok series when I read this because it’s all about the connection between emotions and bad habits.

Quitting Rice – A cool success story from Mark’s Daily Apple about someone who changed their diet and their life.  A little counter common wisdom but that’s a good thing.

Why Being A Little Selfish Is Good For You – I believe in helping other people but I also believe that you need to put your happiness first, or at least tied for first.  Doing otherwise will make it impossible for you to help yourself or others.

The Facts About Food Cravings – Another article that was very related to the Grok series.  Excellent write up on food craving and how to deal with them.

Yesterday I climbed into bed at 10:30pm.  Julie and I spent 45 minutes chatting about our day, laughing at stupid stories, calling each other a “stupid butt poopoo head” (Don’t ask) and snuggling.  It was amazing.  It put me into such a good mood that I slept straight through the night, something I rarely do.

I forget sometimes what relationships are all about.  They’re not about sex, you can have sex without being in a relationship.  They’re not about cohabitation, you can get a roommate.  They’re not even about kids, plenty of people have kids without being in a relationship.  No, being with someone isn’t about any of those things.  It’s about companionship, it’s about having a friend you can tell anything to and it’s about spending time with one another doing nothing in particular.  It’s about being together in a way that’s like nothing else in this world.

You can spend time at home while not really being together.  You can be watching TV in separate rooms, you can work on separate projects in the same room and still not be together.  And that’s what I sometimes miss with my drive to finish my late night projects.  In my rush to be the perfect husband and worker, I forget that the main responsibility in a relationship is just to be there for one another, to spend time in each other’s presence and to celebrate that togetherness.

It’s a good thing to be reminded of.