One day, I’ll let my kids read this and see how they react to the raw truth about their dad.

You know that hardest thing in life? It’s watching somebody deal with constant pain, day in, day out.  How does somebody deal with that?  How do you help them?

My grandmother was recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, in her seventies. She is in a state of pain most of the time. Getting up, moving around and even the simplest task is a huge issue for her.  While it is an especially hard and painful time for her, it is hard on her family, as well.  Making routine check-up visits, waiting for prolonged doctor appointments, dealing with her inability to move as freely and exploring the possibility of hiring a home nurse for her have been just some of the issues the close family has to deal with.

This is how we help her deal with her pain.

First, really understand her pain

All of us have read everything we could find about her condition. We have spent hours researching on the Internet, borrowed books from the library and constantly asked the doctors to understand what she is going through.  We know that Rheumatoid Arthritis affects her joints which make her not able to function in a way she likes to. We know that it is really, really hard on her. She has had to give up her beloved knitting and gardening hobbies, things she enjoyed deeply. She can no longer go for her favorite morning walks.

We understand that it’s not just the physical pain but also the loss of freedom and hobbies which bothers her.

Be careful what we say to her

We know that she has taken ill, but she is still a human being, our favourite Nanna. At times, she is touchy or cranky, especially when her pain medication is running low, so we make sure to be patient with her. We know she really doesn’t mean some things she says.  We also don’t give her pep talks or talk to her as if she is a child. She is a fully grown woman who has lived a full life and has more experiences than us. We don’t ask her to try harder, or push herself more. We don’t say things like go outside and get some fresh air (at least we try not to do that a lot). We might mean well but sometimes it is just hard for her to hear.

Gal’s note – I completely agree with this.  It’s ok to be encouraging, it’s not ok to be condescending.

Take a holistic approach but we don’t push it

People who suffer with chronic pain are also advised to explore alternative therapies. We are lucky in the sense that our grandma is open to looking into different options such as acupuncture, messages, reflexology and meditation. We have one nurse coming in for her regular occupational therapy.  Do understand that everybody is not like that. Maybe somebody you are trying to help has undergone similar therapies and treatments in the past that have not worked for them. Perhaps, they just don’t believe in such efforts.  It is not unnecessary to put them unnecessary emotional pain also. If they are not open to it, don’t push it. Remember, you are trying to make life easier for them, not for yourself.

Gal’s note – My wife is an executive at a network of clinics specializing in pain relief.  They focus on a holistic approach which combines medication with therapy and psychological help.  It’s much more effective than just medicating the pain away.

Listen and spend quality time with her

Saying things like, ‘Ah, well, that’s life’ is plain disrespectful and very unkind. Stop saying things that would only agitate them.  Spend some quality time with them instead. Ask them how they are feeling or how they’re doing. If they’d rather not talk about it, then respect their decision. Just let them know that you are there in case they change their mind. Encourage children to spend time talking to them, talking about their day and just creating happy memories.

Do the things they can do.  Understanding their physical limitations would help you to be sensitive towards their needs. If they are feeling better and would really like to do an activity that they really enjoyed before, do that. For us, whenever our grandma is feeling better, we take her outside for a short stroll to the park or a nearby garden. We know that means a lot to her.

Provide practical help

And lastly, we help her out as much as we can. We help with regular chores such as cooking, cleaning or shopping. We organize the doctor’s appointments. This may seem a lot, but it isn’t really. We are lucky to have a large family who is happy to help her.  There are so many of us, and only one condition that is pulling her down. So far, we are winning.

Krisca Te works with Open Colleges, Australia’s leading provider of TAFE courses equivalent and counselling courses. When not working, you can find her actively participating in local dog show events – in support of her husband.

When we’re feeling weak, we want comforting – When we’re sick or tired or just a little worn out from the gym, that’s when we want comforting.  We don’t need or want you to mother us all the time, but it does feel awesome when you tell us to relax on the couch and get us a cold drink.

Sometimes, we want you to be romantic too – It’s not just men who are supposed to keep the romance alive in the relationship by bringing home flowers or a nice card.  Women should do this too, although in different ways.  We love a cool gadget that you think we’d like or our favorite candy bar.  And no, booking us for a couple’s massage is not cool.  That’s you forcing me to do something you want. Take the time and figure out what your man likes in a romantic gesture and then do that for him.  It’s what we do for you all the time.

Love your body like we do, or at least let us love it for you – We love you, we adore you and we think you’re sexy.  Please act like that every once in a while.  I understand that magazines and Hollywood put a lot of pressure on you to achieve a look which is unhealthy and virtually impossible.  However, that’s not us.  We love your look.  So would it hurt you to dress up once in a while for us?  Would it hurt you to let us look at you without rushing to turn off the lights?  If you keep telling us you’re fat, out of shape and unsexy, sooner or later, we’ll start believing you.

Consider your desired outcome when having an argument – Do you want to win the argument?  If so, you’ve already lost.  Unless your relationship is already in serious trouble, most men go into an argument trying to figure out how to end it and make you feel better.  That’s actually a mistake since we focus on making you feel better instead of solving the problem.  That’s our issue and we can work on it.  At the same time, most women seem to go into an argument with the intent of winning it instead of solving the problem.  That’s your issue and you should work on it.  Crying and bringing up past problems are excellent ways to win an argument, but they’re also excellent ways to lose the love and respect of your man.  Similarly, telling me “you’re sleeping alone tonight” does permanent and lasting damage to a relationship.  It basically means “I don’t like sex with you but I do it because you love it.  It’s a privilege to touch my body and I will only let you have it if you behave”.  That’s bullshit.  Sex is something both parties should enjoy or else you’re doing it wrong.  It should never be used as a weapon because you’re destroying one of the foundation pieces of your relationship.

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Women are the most wonderful thing on this world.  You have no idea how much we adore, admire, respect and love you.  We’ve spent the last few decades trying to support, encourage and understand you.  Perhaps it’s time for the pendulum to start swinging back towards the center

And women, I’m talking to you too.  Too many women assume that it’s the man’s job to be romantic.  It’s not.  You’re just as much on the hook for keeping the love going as he is.  Why not pick him up a nice card or his favorite candy bar or a t shirt with his favorite movie logo on it or even a toy for his dog, just to show him you love him.  If you’re not doing this, why are you surprised that he’s not either?

Never stop learning.  Never stop trying to improve yourself!

Here’s the link:

MIT Free Online Courses

And a huge thank you to the folks at MIT for making this resource available for free.  Truly a credit to your profession.

Note – These are also available on iTunes U but at a lower resolution and without the all the extras, like course notes.

Now neither I nor my wife are construction workers, nor are my brother or the friend who came to help.  In fact, none of us had a clue of what to do when we first started this.  Luckily, there are plenty of people willing to help, from internet sites to the very helpful Home Depot garden manager who guided us along the way.  So while we never quite felt like professionals, we did feel like we could figure this thing out.  Besides, a big part of the fun was figuring things out along the way, something we were confident we could do when we jumped into this project.  Which is one part of the point I’m trying to make with this post.

Don’t Think, Just Jump

Too many people spend too much time holding themselves back.

• What will happen if I try this?
• How will I even know what to do?
• What will happen if I fail?
• What would I gain if I do this?

How many times have you given up on something without even trying because you thought yourself into doing nothing?  How many times have you let these questions hold you back from doing something really cool?  Now sure, there are some things you should think through.  I wouldn’t recommend trying to perform surgery without medical training, I think representing yourself in court is a foolish thing and yes, you should think about your career choices a bit before making a decision, but what about building a bench?

There’s no downside here, no cost of failure.  If we failed, all we lost out on were some hours of our life (not really a loss since we were having fun), some sweat and effort (not really a loss since I love living an active lifestyle), a bit of money (not much since all these materials were quite cheap) and that’s about it.  In return, even had we failed, we would have had fun, gotten a workout and learned a lot about construction.  How awesome is that?  How fantastic is this world where we can take a chance on something completely new without any risk?  I finished out this weekend with a great memory, a new skill (yes, at a very amateur level) and a wonderful new bench.

I think back at how things used to be when I held myself back with self doubt and I have no idea why I ever did that.  Why did I say no when that girl ask me to go to South America with her for two weeks?  (yes, that happened and I said no).  Why did I hold back when my friend offered to take me mountain climbing?  Why did I say no when those meetups would pile into my inbox, each with a cool new event to attend and interesting new people to meet?  The only answer I can come up is fear.  I was afraid of failing, I was afraid of looking bad.  Well, you know what?  Life is so much more gratifying when you get past that fear and start doing new stuff.  You collect all these great new memories, skills, friends and souvenirs.  Most precious of all, you collect experience, which is what life is all about.

Family, work and community may make life fulfilling, but new experiences make it memorable.

To quote a really bad Nicholas Cage movie I saw over the weekend, “no one ever went to their deathbed regretting that they had too much sex”.  Well, the same is true of trying new things.  No one ever went to their death bed regretting that they tried too many new things.  Sure, they may have regretted not planning things well enough, not taking the proper precautions or evaluating the risk properly, but new experiences (like sex) are what makes life interesting.  You can do them on a grand scale like trying to climb mt. Everest or you can do them on a smaller scale, like building a bench in your backyard, but they’re all cool.

Build Man, BUILD!

Which brings me to my second point in this post, and here I’m talking mostly to you white collar males in the audiance (this may apply to others, I honestly don’t know).  We’ve forgotten what it’s like to build something, to start from raw materials and end up with a finished product you can touch and hold.  We spend our days in front of a computer making money or constructing power point slides.  Well, that may pay the bills, but it doesn’t satisfy the man inside you who wants to build!

There’s something incredibly fulfilling in building something from scratch, something I’ve never felt in my work where I build software and spreadsheets.  It’s primal in nature and it’s hard to define but it’s a truly gratifying feeling to stand there and look at something you built from the ground up.  It’s even better when you show it off to others and you get to tell them, “I built this!  See this thing?  It didn’t exist before.  I made it from scratch.”  I get something like this feeling when I cook a great meal from scratch but it’s not the same.  It’s not the same as spending ten hours of labor and then sitting on the fruits of that labor admiring your handiwork.  If you’re stuck in an all day office job, I highly recommend you try this experience at least once.  It will reconnect you with that primal man inside you, the one that used his bare hands to provide for his family, and that’s a feeling no powerpoint will help you find.

A friend of ours told us a story about the first house she and her ex-husband shared. They had purchased an old row home desperately in need of some work and, both being designers, they had decided to decorate the place themselves. He would take one half of the rooms in the house and she would take the other half. Divide and conquer. Once completed, they compared their work.

While her rooms were decorated nicely, his were impeccably done, like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.  Sadly, they had set a very dangerous precedent.  One of working separately and comparing results.

My wife Lynn and I purchased our first home and, while not designers, we’d talked ourselves into trying the same sort of thing. On a strict budget, we’d have to be both creative and opportunistic to make this work. Once completed, it was obvious that Lynn had a flair for this. Her rooms were very tastefully decorated. Mine?  The politically correct term would be aesthetically challenged.

It is my contention that beer can coffee tables and Feng Shui are not mutually exclusive terms. Old movies are even better while watched by the light of a vintage Elvis table lamp. And there is nothing that says “home” quite like a fuzzy, lime green toilet seat cover. I was officially put on notice. I had to find another home for The moose antlers and the battery operated, talking fish I’d discovered on the QVC network. Lynn made it clear that vintage garage sale was not her idea of a viable motif.  Hey, I just can’t resist a good deal.

A Better Way

After further discussion, we had agreed to redo these rooms in a way that was more consistent throughout. In other words, anything that wasn’t consistent with the look she wanted would be thrown out. I had only one stipulation. When all was said and done, I would have a room to escape to. It’s important for a guy to have a place where he can sit back, watch a ball game, and drift into a peaceful nap. She agreed.  She also had one stipulation. Decorating our home would have to be done together.

We learned a few things along the way and the process was fairly painless. I can’t say that the Bassett Furniture outlet is where I would choose to spend a Saturday afternoon, but Lynn and I had some quality time together and picked up some beautiful living room furniture at the same time. We rummaged through thrift stores and had lunch together at the Wallmart. Not my idea of fine dining, but that wasn’t the point. We talked. A lot.

I learned that Lynn likes tulips from the garden more than roses from a florist. Who knew?

In retrospect, it occurs to me now that there is a reason why our friend and her husband are no longer together. Too much “divide and conquer”. Given recent events, how would I describe the my experience shopping with my wife?  I believe the politically correct term would be awesome.

Gal’s Note – I’ve learned the same exact lesson with Julie.  While the efficiency expert in me cries out to divide and conquer, the husband in me says that the point of marriage isn’t to be efficient, it’s to be together.  Don’t look at these tasks as a chore to be done with as quickly as possible, think of them as opportunities to be together and build some memories.

If you can lie to her, you can lie to yourself!

Ahh yes, the friendzone.  You know that place.  It’s where you get sent by that special someone who just isn’t into you.

You’ve been there for her for the last three years while she were with their asshole boyfriend.  You listened to her problems when he treated her badly, you gave her a shoulder to cry on when he cheated on her, you gave her good relationship advice when no one else would listen and you even helped her paint her house when that lousy, no good boyfriend went on a guys weekend and didn’t even remember her birthday.  So now, when she’s finally done with that jerk, you feel like you’re due a chance.  It’s your time to step in and get yourself a little something something if you know what I mean.  After all, all those years when he was a jerk, you were the perfect friend.  Surely now she’ll see that you’re also the perfect boyfriend!

Except she doesn’t seem to be getting it.  She’s looking at other guys while you’re standing right there.  She’s asking your opinion on who she should date when the perfect guy is right there!  Can’t she see that she belongs with you?

Well, other than in Taylor Swift songs, this story usually won’t end well.  Either she’ll ignore your potential forever, continually dating other guys while you seeth in the background, or you’ll admit your feelings to her and she’ll drop you like a hot potato.  Which means you’ll spend year thinking about that ungrateful bitch and how dare she treat you like this?  How dare she ignore you and move on when you’ve been there for her all those years.

Well, let me give you a few reasons for why you’ve been friendzoned or outright frienddumped.  (by the way, I use the male pronoun for the friend in this case but this happens just as often with women.  Again, there’s that Taylor Swift song if you want a perfect example)

You’re a liar – Yes, you, you’re a dishonest bastard.  All those years that you stood by her you weren’t really a friend.  You were a sneaky little worm trying to work his way into her pants.  How the hell is she going to trust you now when you’ve finally revealed yourself to be the lying cheat that you are?  Was all that advice about relationships for real or were you just trying to get rid of the competition?  Was that time you hugged her when she cried a true friend supporting her or were you just trying to cop a feel?

Sorry, but this kind if behavior is the height of dishonesty.  You are quite literally building up trust in order to achieve a goal that you didn’t reveal to her.  That’s evil.

You’re a coward – Yah, her ex might have been a jerk but at least he had the balls to outright tell her what he wanted.  You waited years to say it.  Even worse, people who do this are usually so cowardly that they expect their victim to “realize” they’re the perfect man and make the first move.  Even when the competition is gone they still can’t make a move.  Well you know what?  No one wants a relationship with a coward.  You want something?  Then you go out and get it.  If you wanted a relationship with her, you should have said it, not waited for her to “realize” how perfect you are.

You’re a door mat – People who pretend to be friends like this don’t act like normal friends.  They do their best to please, up to and including sacrificing their own needs and happiness just to be there for their victim.  You carry her books, you wash her car, you bring her food and you lend her money.  In other words, you’re a spineless worm who’ll do everything she says or asks for without expecting anything in return.  Sorry, but no one wants to be in a relationship with someone they disrespect.  Women, at least the good ones, want men they can respect and see as an equal, not a doormat who’ll be their servant.

You’re uninterested – Yep, why would she think you’re even interested in being with her?  After all, you’ve spent all this time pretending to be her friend without a hint of anything else.   Oh sure, you’ve made an inappropriate joke every once in a while, hoping that she’ll get the hint, but you’ve always laughed right after and told her you were kidding.  So why would she ever think you’re interested now when you’ve done your very best to convince her that you’re not?

So, to summarize, you’ve been friendzoned because you’re a lying spineless coward with no interest in being her boyfriend (or girlfriend).  Sound harsh?  Yep, but maybe this will get you to get off your ass and stop being this way.

If you’re interested in someone, tell them.  Be honest, take the risk and, if you fail, learn from it and move on.  That’s how you get better, that’s how you improve.  People who behave as I describe above are so afraid of failure that they never take a chance.  They expect other people to invite them, to make things easy, to make things safe.  Sorry, life just doesn’t work that way.  Get over your fear of failure or you’re going to be friendzoned forever.