Option 1: Stay in it until such time when you both decided to sell

In this case, either one or both of you would live in the house as roommates and share in the care and upkeep of the home.  If you were to live together, you would each come to an arrangement on how both the basic expenses of the home were taken care of, any minor repairs or updates and any capital repairs that may be needed such as a boiler or roof.  In the case where only one of you would live in it until you both decided it was time to sell, you in effect would be “renting” it from you and your ex-spouse so in these cases, we’d usually have the” tenant” (that is you) pay the mortgage, utilities and keep the house in livable shape performing such tasks as cutting the grass and shoveling the walk.  If a capital repair were needed like a new roof, you’d share in that cost as it goes to the value of the home when you sell it.  This situation is good for people where the home is “underwater” or the kids are just about to graduate and they can hang on for just a short bit.  It also works for folks who want a divorce but just can’t afford to establish a separate residence just yet.  Remember when working with your mediator to establish a timetable for when one of you will move out or the house will go up for sale.  Do NOT leave it open ended!

Option 2: Have one of you “buy out” the others share of equity

This can be accomplished a number of ways.  You can either trade other assets to compensate the party who is being bought out or you can obtain a larger mortgage and pay them a cash settlement for their share of the equity.  Remember – it’s the equity in the house, not a share of the list price so work with your  mediator to subtract the outstanding mortgage balance when figuring out who gets what.  This  makes sense for people who have the means to keep the house for the long term as chances are you’ll need to take on the whole mortgage outstanding plus add to it so your payments will go up and with today’s tight credit, you may or may not qualify.  Be sure you’re doing this for the right reasons (that is YOU want to own a house) and not just because you think your kids want to stay in the house.  Trust me – they don’t if it means constantly worrying about money and having to spend every free moment they have caring for it.

Option 3: Sell it to a complete stranger

This one requires little explanation but a trick I use as a mediator is if there are small disagreements on when to list and for what price is have one of you interview and provide a list of three agents you’d be happy working with. Then we have your spouse pick the one agent you’re going to list with.  Abide by their recommendations and you should be fine.  Remember – it’s a buyers market so price your home wisely and be aware if timing matters to you so you’re not holding on to the house for too long.  This makes sense for couples who either can’t or don’t want to keep the home or for those whose children are older and grown.  You may not need to live in a 4 bedroom house if it’s just going to be you.

No matter what you decide, remember – do a budget to see what makes sense for you vis a vis housing costs.  Sometimes if a home is paid off or has a low mortgage rate, it makes sense to keep it even if the place is too big for you or if renting something is going to cost you more than your current place does!

What is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is new approach to raising children of divorce.  It allows both you and your spouse the opportunity to maintain a positive and nurturing role in your children’s life despite the fact that you are divorced and living in separate homes.  Many divorced couples who have chosen co-parenting have experienced great success.  For couples where co-parenting failed, communication, or better yet, a lack of communication from either one or both parents was the culprit.  Parenting plans seldom if ever fail.  It is the parents who are tasked with the responsibility of carrying out the parenting plan that contribute to its demise, not the parenting plan itself.

Communication is Critical to Successful Co-Parenting

Whether you’re in the beginning stages of divorce or at the end you already know that communicating with a soon to be ex can be extremely difficult.   And while a divorce may legally sever the martial bonds between you and your spouse, a divorce in no way relieves you from the obligation you have as parents to raise your children.  It doesn’t matter if you and your spouse separate as friends or if you find each other despicable, your children need and deserve the love and interaction of both parents; a mom and dad.   Your children are never the cause of a divorce.  As such, your children should never bear the burden caused by your and your spouse’s decision to end your marriage.

The Benefits of Co-Parenting

So why are parents finding co-parenting attractive?  Because similar to mediation, co-parenting encourages input from both individuals; in this case, mom and dad.  In co-parenting, you forge a new relationship with your spouse; however, this time instead of you and your partner reaping the benefits, your children do.  Co-parenting encourages combined decision making on issues such as visitation schedules, medical and dental appointments, school information, and extra-curricular activities.  Your participation starts with a verbal commitment to share equally in their care and upbringing that is later reduced to a writing called a parenting plan.

Still curious about co-parenting?  If so, then you need to look no further than the individuals who benefit the most….your CHILDREN.

C – Children First.  In co-parenting, it’s all about your children.  The needs of your children come first.

H – Honesty.  Co-parenting promotes honesty; not only between you and your former spouse but with your children as well.  With a parenting plan in place, you and your spouse know what’s going on and your children are less likely to pit on parent against the other.

I – Invested Interest.  Your child needs both an invested mom and dad.  When you are an active participant in your child’s life, your child will thrive.

L – Lessens resentments.  Co-parenting promotes the input of both parents affording each parent the opportunity to maintain a healthy relationship with the children despite divorce.

D – Dual decision making.  One goal of parents should be to bring an emotional healthy child into adulthood.  Co-parenting put parents are on equal footing. Both mom and dad make decisions together (emphasis added)…decisions that are in the best interest of the children.

R – Role modeling.  Actions speak louder than words.  Co-parenting is a phenomenal way to show your children that despite adversity, people should treat each other with respect.  This is a behavior that once seen, your children will most likely apply to all facets of their life.

E – Equal opportunity.  In co-parenting each parent is given equal opportunity in being a part of their child’s life.

N – Negates negativity. In co-parenting each parent contributes equally in the decisions that are made as well as each parent is encouraged to share in activities such as school functions, sporting events, birthdays, graduations and holidays.  Happy parents rear emotionally healthy children.

Children don’t choose their parents nor are they the cause of divorce.  Children of divorce deserve and more importantly need the positive interaction of both you and your spouse.  While your marital relationship may be ending, a new and better relationship with your children is just one call away.  If you would like to discuss further the benefits of co-parenting and how working with a divorce support coach can benefit both of you and your children,  please call 908-864-2177.

Mediation for Child Custody Never Becomes a Matter of Public Record

When couples come to my office, it is my primary responsibility to offer a neutral position to both parties in support of reaching a viable, confidential custody agreement that is mutually beneficial to the children as well as both parents.  After all, once the dust has settled from the divorce, your jobs as parents continue for a lifetime.  By steering these emotional and high-conflict discussions through the waters of mediation, I can reveal a more defined, clear-cut path to reaching a child custody resolution.  Often, because of the emotional pain and undue stress that the transitions of divorce can bring, obvious solutions or agreements can remain hidden or obscured from view.  In providing guidance within a secure and confidential environment, I’m able to lead couples through the more difficult aspects of child custody conflict; so that parents can focus on what is best for their children, and for themselves, in the long run.

By the time couples have sought my mediation services for child custody, I find that they’re both ready to negotiate, and if they can speak to one another amicably, so much the better.  Mediation for child custody means I only exist in the room as a neutral third-party.  During the entire process of mediation, it’s you, the other parent and a mediator.  As you consider child custody arrangements, remember that custody litigation through the courts can go on for months or years, possibly increasing the negative, long-lasting effects suffered by children whose parents remain uncooperative. Mediation for child custody is not only safe and confidential, but can be an effective alternative to litigation.

Mediation for Child Custody can be Successful

As I sit across from couples who’ve come to me for help with their child custody differences, it occurs to me that there are as many parenting plans and joint custody arrangements as there are shades of any color.   How can you ensure that your attempts at mediation for child custody be successful?  The following ideas can assist when child custody discussions begin:

• Keep other divorce issues or other unrelated issues from interfering with your resolve to reach agreement for the sake of your children.
• If you have concerns or suggestions, write them down for discussion.  This is a thorough way of making sure you cover what you want to convey during discussions in the event communication becomes overly emotional or stressful.  It’s also a good way to address any major concerns you may have.
•  Above all, remember that the focus here is your child or your children. Regardless of whatever past hurts or mistakes that might have happened to bring the both of you to this point, remember, that the dissolution of your marriage is not a reflection of you as a good parent.
• Listen to the other parent’s concerns and ideas, and remain flexible.
• Bring both your work schedule and the child’s school and after-school schedule to the meeting.

While discussions and negotiations over child custody is never easy, we can guide both parents to a more reasonable and just agreement together.  Of course, situations rarely stay the same.  As mediators we have assisted many couples when schedules or arrangements have changed.  For many couples who have sought our help, we continue to be there for them every step of the way.  And we wouldn’t want it any other way.

If you have questions about how mediation for child custody can benefit you and your children, please give the offices of Equitable Mediation Services a call at (908) 864-2177 as if you think there is anything more important than your children, think again.

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Qualified Domestic Relations Orders (QDRO) are expensive; they are required in order to transfer pension assets in a divorce without incurring the 10% penalty for early withdrawal. But many financial institutions will transfer a 401(k) without a QDRO, and just have you sign a simple form instead. Seems like a good idea — look at all the money you save.  Is there a catch?

Don’t Incur A Needless Tax Penalty in Divorce.

Unfortunately, there is. If the QDRO is not properly prepared and signed by a judge, you will be subject to the federal income tax 10% early withdrawal penalty. You could end up being subject to a tax on monies that you have already transferred to your spouse pursuant to the divorce settlement.

How to Avoid a Needless Tax Penalty in Divorce.

To be valid the Qualified Domestic Relations Order must meet two criteria: it must be correctly created and it must be correctly verified.

To be correctly created it must have been signed by a Judge and it must contain the following information:

1. your name and most recent mailing address.

2. the name and address of your spouse (known as the alternate payee).

3. the amount or percentage of the account that is to be paid to your spouse.

4. how the amount or percentage that is to be paid to your spouse is to be determined or calculated.

5. the number of payments or the period of time to which the QDRO applies.

6. the name of the Plan to which the QDRO applies.

The second thing that must be done is the Qualified Domestic Relations Order must be validated, that is, the Plan must determine that it is legally valid and what they must do about it. That is often done in a pre-approval process, before the QDRO is submitted for signature to the Court. One way or another, however, the Plan must do the following:

1. notify you and the alternate payee that it has received the QDRO and explain to you how the Plan will determine its validity.

2. determine within a period of no more than 18 months whether the QDRO is valid or not; this is almost always done through a pre-approval process.

3. account for any payments to be made to the alternate payee during the evaluation period.

4. notify you and the alternate payee whether the QDRO is valid or not.

It can be an expensive process, particularly if your divorce involves a number of pension assets that must be transferred. Each QDRO can run about $1,000.

Don’t let convenience get the better of you. Do it right, or you pay a great deal in unnecessary taxes.

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To add to Fred’s article one more point and that is: Qualified Domestic Relations Orders are VERY difficult to draft.  Do NOT do this by yourself or if you do, please do so at your own risk.  One simple mistake and perhaps the QDRO gets rejected and you find yourself with no share of the retirement assets you are entitled to.  Not a great place to be in especially if you’re getting close to retirement age or don’t find it out until a much later date in time.  I know, divorce can seem expensive but if you use a NJ mediator like me or NY mediator like Fred, you can save yourself a lot of money and heartache in the process and put that money towards making sure the details of your agreement are legally binding and properly executed.

Feel free to give our offices a call at (908) 864-2177 if you have any questions about QDRO’s (Qualified Domestic Relations Orders) and how they may apply in your particular situation.

How Child Support is Paid in NJ Option 1 – The Direct Pay Method

The easiest way to pay child support is to set up a schedule of payments on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis and simply write a personal check from one party to the other.   As I am fan of using technology to make things easier on everyone, you may also wish to consider setting up a regularly occurring debit from one parties’ account to the other.  This way the payments are made directly and there’s no need for one party to go to the mailbox and the other to go to the bank.  The pro of this method is that it’s easy and the con is that you’re trusting the other party to pay.  And while I’d like to believe parents will always do the right thing and pay their child support on time, it’s not always (sadly) the case.

How Child Support is Paid in NJ Option 2 – Wage Garnishment

In this case if necessary you can appeal to the courts for a wage garnishment as child support is a contractual obligation and enforceable with garnishment.  If you choose to pursue this route, you will need to first obtain an order form the courts allowing the garnishment and then work with the ex-spouses’ employer to have the garnishment put into effect.  The pro of this route is that the payment will be made in a timely fashion and is enforced by a court order.  The cons are that it may be costly to go to court to obtain such an order and it would most certainly be embarrassing for the parent who chose not to pay to have their employer know their business.  Then again, that may just be the impetus one needs to write that check and avoid the whole ugly mess of garnishment in the first place!

How Child Support is Paid in NJ Option 3 – State Agency

Here in NJ we have the NJ Child Support Payment Center which can help parents facilitate the payment of child support.  The pros of using such a service is that there’s no cost to either party and the state can get involved in the enforcement should it be necessary.  The cons are that again, it may prove embarrassing to one party and may create an extra layer of administrative burden but if you can’t go with option 1, then you’re really only left with garnishment or using the payment center.

If you have questions about how child support is paid in NJ, please give our offices a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to help.

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1. Recognize that the time for arguing is over – one thing that causes people to spend tons of money to get divorced is that they and their lawyers look at it like a battle where every point is something to be argued about and fought to the death.  The reality is the law is the law here in NJ and so whether you like it or not the outcome for 99.33% of couples who divorce in NJ is exactly the same or falls within some relatively similar range.  If you think being one of the lucky 2/3rds of 1% of people who actually litigate to try and get a different outcome is worth $200,000, please be my guest.  But if you’re looking for a cheap divorce in NJ, this isn’t the way.
2. Cooperate with your legal practitioner – it’s no secret what is needed to get divorced.  The discovery items, the process, the issues and the forms, it’s really all the same whether you make a $25,000 a year or $250,000 a year.  Sure there are more zeros on the end of the numbers in the rich couples settlement but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same things: tax returns, pay stubs, credit card statements, etc. By cooperating with preferably your NJ divorce mediator, you can and should provide the necessary documentation and make the necessary decisions to move the process forward.  If you’re looking for a cheap divorce in NJ, one of the best ways I know how to do this is to be prepared and present everything that is asked of you.
3. Use divorce mediation in New Jersey - it’s a fact: divorce mediation in New Jersey costs anywhere from $29,000 to $76,000 less on average than using attorneys or litigating.  If you’re looking for a cheap divorce in NJ that isn’t one of those fly by night Internet divorce providers for $399, then go the mediation route.  Divorce is an extremely complex process and marriage creates a significant number of legal entanglements that make getting a proper divorce an advanced task.  No book of forms or some guy in a strip mall is going to be able to help you properly settle your issues.

Have any items you’d like to share that can help divorcing couples pursue a cheap divorce in NJ?  Feel free to comment below or give us a call if you have questions about the divorce and mediation process.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides client with divorce mediation in New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

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In mediation we use a budget based approach when it comes to the topic of child support and then calculate the guidelines to verify if the work we did with our budgets accurately reflects what your children’s true expenses are and then adjust accordingly.  The biggest surprise that most couples we work with find is that the amount of NJ Child Support calculated by the guidelines is usually lower than the actual amount of money you spend on your children as an intact family.  Add in things such as music lessons, automobile insurance and daycare which are known as “extraordinary expenses” and outside the calculated child support amount, and you’ll get a sense of the true amount of what you really spend on your children.  So while yes, I understand that some people view “the law as the law” and want me to type the numbers into the software and spit out the magic NJ Child Support amount, like every topic we discuss in mediation, it’s really not as simple as black and white but more like a thousand shades of gray…

So when it comes to calculating child support in New Jersey, there are three things to keep in mind:

1. Child support is an obligation of both parents – that is you will both be paying child support.
2. Children should not become the economic victims of divorce and therefore should receive whatever funding is necessary for them to survive and thrive.
3. You as parents have the right to agree to other child support arrangements than those calculated by the formula provided they are reasonable and have the child’s best interest in mind.

One last note of caution: the calculation of NJ Child Support is a complex topic and one best left to the professionals.  I’ve noticed there are a fair amount of “free” child support calculators out there but like the old saying goes, you get what you pay for and in my humble opinion, you shouldn’t risk your child’s well being on a free form you found on a website.  Call an Accredited Professional Mediator – you’ll be glad you did.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides client with divorce mediation in New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

To answer this question from the legal and financial perspective, we would have you investigate your household finances.  Divorce and mediation each cover four main areas: parenting plans, child support, alimony and equitable distribution. And while 99% of the time in mediation the parenting plan is agreed to by the parties and child support in New Jersey is for the most part calculated, that leaves alimony and equitable distribution as the areas that usually incur the most discussion. What do both of these have in common? They require household financial data to properly resolve them. So if you’re contemplating a divorce, it’s important you have a good grasp of your financial picture.

During conversations about equitable distribution you and your spouse will be asked to provide a complete list of discovery items which include common financial items which show up regularly like tax returns, pay stubs, bank balances and credit card balances but there are some other documents you’ll need which may only be issued quarterly or annually so now it a perfect time to be on the lookout for them. Much like how employers are required to send you your annual W-2 form showing your earnings for the previous year by the end of January, investment houses are required to do the same. Some pension plans such as plans for firemen, police officers and teachers may also only offer an annual statement so now more than ever, it’s critical you keep an eye out for these items so that when the time comes to talk equitable distribution you’ll be informed and can have an intelligent conversation.

Items to be on the lookout for when contemplating a divorce include:

• W-2′s
• Year end Credit card statements – most companies can issue you a report that shows spending by category which is helpful for budgeting later on.
• Year end Investment / brokerage statements  – showing all transactions made over the course of the year so you’ll notice if there were any major sales of assets that you were unaware of.
• Year-end mortgage interest and escrow statements – shows interest paid, taxes (usually) and the balance on your mortgage.

You may also wish to do a few valuations of major assets you own such as cars and your house to get a rough idea of what those are worth as well.  Sites like Zillow for real estate valuation and Kelley Blue Book for automobile evaluation can help you more fully understand what your home or car might be worth when it comes time to talk equitable distribution. Like the old saying goes “information is power” and by taking these simple steps now, if you’re contemplating a divorce you can be better informed when it comes time to talk equitable distribution and get a fairer settlement.

To answer this questions form the emotional perspective, we would have you work with a divorce support coach.  Divorce it is said is only second in terms of stress to the death of a spouse so it is critical that you stay emotionally grounded and ensure that you’re making decisions about you and your children’s future from a rational perspective.  All too often we’ve seen divorces derail not because of the money involved but because of the emotional issues that arise.  Before you know it, things get heated, you both start arguing over who knows what and off the tracks you go and on to litigation.  By working with a divorce support coach, you can avoid all that unnecessary emotional turmoil by be aware in advance of which of your buttons may get pushed and with the help of your coach put together strategies to ensure they don’t derail you.  it’s when you’re contemplating divorce that it’s most critical to do this so you know what you’ll be up against before you even have your first mediation session.

By focusing on both the legal / financial and the emotional aspects divorce, you and your soon to be ex can come through mediation in as peaceful and efficient manner as possible, saving you time, money and heartache in the process.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.