Eric Pazdziora

The Myth of the Weaker Vessel

Eric — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 19:23:05 +0000

In response to a popular pastor’s perplexing pronouncement that “God has given Christianity a masculine feel,” Rachel Held Evans asked Christian men to write a blog post “that celebrates the importance of women in the Church.” Here’s mine.

Lately, both from online creepers and respectable preachers, I’ve seen several comments that come back to one idea: Of course we give lip service to the idea that women are equal to men, but actually they’re inferior, because the Bible says that a woman is a “weaker vessel.” Here’s a composite portrait, based very closely on wording I’ve seen in various places:

There is a difference between men and women, regardless of what you would like to believe. The Bible makes this clear: 1 Peter 3:7– “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the weaker vessel.” Either this passage is true and women are “weaker vessels,” or it’s not. If it’s not, why believe any of the Bible? God says that because women are weaker, they are more vulnerable to deception and temptation. There are lots of things they don’t know or can’t deal with. That’s why God has raised up men to be the godly authorities they need to guard their hearts and spirits…..

I find that rather unsettling. Continually dwelling on how someone is weak and vulnerable and in need of help is disturbingly similar to what’s called “learned helplessness” (or sometimes “gaslighting” after the Ingrid Bergman film). In its worst forms, it’s a technique of psychological abuse. It works with a chilling simplicity: the more a feeling of helplessness is reinforced on you, the more likely you are to believe it. If every time you go to pick up a bag I say, “Let me get that for you; you’re too weak,” eventually you’ll start to say, “You’ll have to get that for me; I’m too weak.” Even if you’re not.

So it’s no surprise that this Bible verse about the “weaker vessel” is a favorite weapon in the arsenal of religious people who want to dominate and control women (see The Bondage of Betrothal.) Even when people don’t intend to put women down, though, it can have much the same effect. If you say “Women are inferior” with the very best of intentions and disclaimers, you’re still saying it. Learned helplessness works in either case. Some of the most belittling statements in the example above were taken straight from a blog post written by a young woman. It’s bad enough when misogynists belittle women; it’s distressing when women do it for them.

Belittling someone is not a good way to celebrate them. The way it’s presented there, though, it looks like we have to embrace some form of sexism or else throw out the entire Bible. As a Christian, I don’t especially like either option. So here’s the question: Does the Bible really say that all women are “weaker vessels”?

Well… it does use the phrase “weaker vessels.” But to quote the philosopher Inigo Montoya, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

R. A. Torrey’s remarks, which I’ve mentioned often, are more than usually relevant here:

A very large part of man’s difficulties with the Bible comes from not noting exactly what it says. Time and time again men have come to me and said, “I cannot believe this which the Bible says,” and then have quoted something which they supposed the Bible said. But I have replied, “The Bible does not say that,” and when we have looked it up, lo, it is some minute modification of what the Bible really says that has given rise to the difficulty. The Bible is always so absolutely exact, that I have found the best solution for very many apparent difficulties in the Bible to be to take the difficult verses precisely as they read. (The Voice of God in the Present Hour, pp. 11–12)

Just because someone begins a sentence with “The Bible makes it clear that…” does not mean that what follows is necessarily biblical, or even that it’s in the Bible at all. Torrey warns us to look out for “some minute modification of what the Bible really says.” In this case, though, there isn’t some minute modification. There are some major modifications.

Look at the actual words of the verse in question:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7, ESV)

Compare it to the way it was quoted at the beginning — which, I should mention, was taken verbatim from an (admittedly dubious) online source — and you’ll see three very striking differences that might make us reconsider what it means to be a “weaker vessel.”

First, it says your wives, not all women. The misquoted verse is used to make a point about how we should view all women. But it’s not about that at all. In Greek, context determines whether the word γυναικεῖος refers to women in general or wives in particular, and in the context of 1 Peter 3, there’s no question at all– the whole chapter to this point is about marriage. Every major English translation goes ahead and translates it that way: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives…” Even in the misquoted version it’s obvious. File it under Reading Comprehension 101: The verse is about how one particular man (a husband) should treat one particular woman (his wife). *

The recommended way to treat your wife is not, “Tell her to submit to your authority.” Rather, a husband should treat her “in an understanding way” – be considerate and empathetic, don’t set unrealistic expectations, be kind and compassionate and caring. Not just that, “showing honor” – treat her as valuable, special, priceless, precious; be respectful and deferential and courteous; treat her as more important than yourself.

Honor is what you give people you look up to.

Honor is what you give people you admire for qualities you aspire to.

Honor is what you give people who are superior to you.

So why does it say “weaker”? That leads to the second major modification:

It says as, not is. The misquoted version leaves out the terribly important word as (Gk. hōs.) The Bible doesn’t say, “The woman is a weaker vessel.” It says, “Show her honor as a weaker vessel.” Those little letters make a big difference. It’s not an equivalency but a comparison. Consider another Scriptural example:

Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. (Matthew 10:16)

If someone said that the Bible makes it clear that we need to have wool, slither around, and lay eggs, you’d say they were nuts. You’d be right. The word “as” shows that Jesus is using a simile, a figure of speech. We’re not doves; rather, we’re like doves in one particular point for the purposes of an illustration. (Namely, we should be gentle and innocent in our dealings with others.)

In what way is a wife like a weaker vessel? She’s certainly not weaker mentally, spiritually, emotionally, giftedly, or any other way that really matters. Speaking as a not-at-all wimpy human male, I know women who are more athletic than I am, better educated than I am, more successful than I am, and have emotional and spiritual strength I can only dream of aspiring to. (In fact, I’m married to someone who’s pretty much all of the above, plus much better looking to boot.)

That’s not some feminist dogma; it’s a simple observable fact. Lindsey Vonn has won an Olympic gold medal; I haven’t. Jane Yolen has published over 300 books and won most major literary awards; I haven’t. My boss, the VP of a large publishing house, is a single mom with a doctorate in theology, which I don’t have. And I wish you could have known my friend Evangeline, who earned a master’s degree in her 60s and was editing the next volume of a Bible commentary the day she died after a 20-year fight with cancer. Weaker? I think not.

Thus a lot of commentators take the view that it’s merely about physical strength, considering that Peter was likely writing to an audience where husbands were manual laborers while wives ran the household. That’s somewhat sensible, at least if you’re thinking about heavy lifting, but most women can take just as much physical strain as men in other ways. I don’t know any men who want to take on the pain of childbirth, for instance. Even running a household is no job for a weakling; the Proverbs 31 woman has enough skills to rival any business executive. And domestic work is downright intimidating to lots of manly men I could name.

So I wonder if there’s more to it than that. Remember, the structure of the phrase is, “Show her honor as a weaker vessel.” The central word is honor, a term of value, worth, and respect. The illustrative word, vessel, is a term for pottery, often used as a metaphor for people since God is compared to a potter (see Romans 9:20-23).

What’s the connection between honor and pottery? We tend to think of weakness in terms of inferiority. But in pottery, the finer a vessel is, the more valuable it is. Anyone can make a bulky old piece of stoneware for everyday use, but a piece of fine china — a Grecian urn — a Ming vase — a Tiffany lamp — Waterford crystal — that’s the work of a master. You handle that with respect and care. You put it in a special place where people can admire it. You make sure nobody does anything to break it. In a word, you honor it.

Its weakness doesn’t mean it’s more dependant. It means it’s more valuable.

The point of the verse is not, “Remember that your wife is weak, like a piece of china.” It’s, “Treat your wife with honor, just as you would treat the fine work of a master craftsman.”

The idea that “weaker” should be understood as “inferior” is demolished once and for all when we see the last major modification:

It says heirs, not inferiors. The misquoted version above leaves out the entire second half of the verse. That’s suspicious. Once we see what the omitted part says, the game is up. The reason husbands should treat their wives with understanding and honor, according to the verse itself, is this:

“…since they are heirs with you of the grace of life…”

They are heirs with you. They’re not your inferiors or subordinates or dependants. They don’t need your protection or covering or authority to stand before God. They stand shoulder to shoulder with you as equal recipients of God’s grace. They get the same divine adoption as you. They get the same spiritual life as you. They get the same inheritance as you. According to the very same verse that’s been manhandled to say that women are inferior to men, women are equal to men.

The irony is spectacular. Like Proverbs 31, this verse is written to tell husbands to be uplifting and affirming to their wives, to treat them well, even to look up to them. (Yes, that Proverbs 31; see In Search of the Ideal Proverbs 31 Single Man.) Yet for inscrutable reasons, it’s used to put women down, used as a bludgeon of learned helplessness. Misusing and twisting the verse that badly is like interpreting “Give me liberty or give me death” as an affirmation of slavery.

Far from being a trivial point, this is tied to a husband’s spiritual well-being: Do this, says Peter, “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” To belittle your wife — to fail to be understanding, to see her as less than equal, to dishonor her, to teach her helplessness — puts a serious cramp in your spiritual life. “If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,” says the psalmist, “the Lord would not have listened” (Psalm 66:18). God takes a very dim view of it when we treat people inequitably.

Listen up, men: To treat your wife, or any woman, as though she is inferior to you in any way is to commit a grave and terrible sin. It maligns the very image of God. To put such sentiments in the mouth of God is to blaspheme. If you’ve ever thought or acted otherwise, now would be a very good time to repent. Repent for believing and propagating the unfair treatment of God’s image. Accept God’s view of His creation as valuable, honorable, precious. Treat your wife right — with understanding, honor, respect, and dignity.

Repentance brings us back to the Gospel. Beyond this verse, the context of the chapter is the Gospel itself: “For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God” (1 Peter 3:18). Read the verse without seeing the context of the Gospel, and you might get legalism or chauvinism or misogyny. Focus on the Gospel, and suddenly you find the unbroken threads of love, grace, and mercy.

The Gospel is directly and deeply related to the way husbands treat their wives. God has chosen His people to be the bride of Christ (Revelation 19:7). “This is a great mystery,” writes Paul regarding marriage, “but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). “I will betroth you to me forever,” God says through the prophets (Hosea 2:19). “For your Maker is your husband,” says Isaiah (54:5). “As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you” (Isaiah 62:5). “‘Return, faithless people,’ declares the LORD, ‘for I am your husband’” (Jeremiah 3:14).

That means we all are “weaker vessels.”

And that means the way that verse says husbands should treat their wives is the way our Bridegroom treats us– with understanding and honor and self-sacrifice.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. (Romans 5:6)

…but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong… (1 Corinthians 1:27)

Christ, our Bridegroom, takes weaker vessels and puts them in places of honor. God transforms vessels of wrath into vessels of mercy. God fills earthen vessels of weakness with His Holy Spirit. It doesn’t matter if you’re weak or strong, Jew or Gentile, male or female, slave or free. We all stand side by side as joint heirs of the grace of life.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. …

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4:7-10, 16-18 NASB)

Image sources: [1], [2], [3]

I’m honored that this post has been picked up by some popular websites, including No Longer Quivering and Rachel Held Evans. If you’ve found your way here through one of them, welcome! I hope you stick around. This might be a good time to mention that I’m a musician and you should check out my CD New Creation.

* Edited 2/9. My thanks to a Greek scholar who kindly gave me a constructive suggestion for fixing a wording mistake in this paragraph.

The Myth of the Weaker Vessel is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

If you can’t beat ‘em….

Eric — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:30:34 +0000

Slovakian violist Lukáš Kmit was performing a concert in an Orthodox synagogue in Presov when some [insert your own insulting noun]‘s cell phone ringer went off. Although he was visibly annoyed, Kmit’s response was simultaneously classy and hilarious. Here’s the obligatory viral video:

According to the videographer, “Lukas says that it is better to take incidents happening during concerts easy and a little bit of humour always helps to relieve the tension.” So maybe there’s a lesson in there for us too.

If you can’t beat ‘em…. is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

Housekeeping

Eric — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:42:25 +0000

Sorry if my website has looked a bit janky for any of you over the past little while. I’ve been doing some slight updating and tweaking and redesigning, mostly to bring the music a bit more to the forefront. (More posts in that respect to follow.) I think it’s how I want it for the moment, though if any of you find a bug, let me know.

As a reward for your patience, I think this is what they call a roman à clef:

No related posts.

Housekeeping is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month

Eric — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:00:34 +0000

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

–Jesus of Nazareth (Luke 14:18–19)

January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month.

(You can read all about it here.)

Spiritual what, you say? Ah, that’s why we need an awareness month. Here are a few definitions to get you up to speed:

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian. –David Henke, Watchman Fellowship

Spiritual Abuse occurs when a leader, church or a belief system, whether well intentioned or not, dominates, manipulates or castigates individuals through fear tactics, mind control, or some other psychological or emotional abuse. –Spiritual Research Network

Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own. –Jeff VanVonderen

You see it in cults and in mainstream churches. You see it from televangelists and pastors and elders and priests. You hear about it on the news when another child is molested by a priest or pastor. You don’t see it in the faces of the people next to you who once heard and believed that they can’t please God unless they’re good enough. It’s there too.

It’s bad because it hurts people.

It’s worse because it hurts people and tells them they deserve it.

It’s worst because it hurts people and teaches them that God does too.

I think it’s no exaggeration to say that Spiritual Abuse is arguably the one of the most pressing moral, theological, and social issues facing the church (the followers of Jesus) today. Spiritual abuse not only leaves people emotionally and psychologically devastated; it turns them away from faith in the God who could be their source of consolation and encouragement. A church that doesn’t address the realities of Spiritual Abuse leaves its message savaged and discredited, often without even realizing it. If people associate you with the hypocrites, the manipulators, the cruel, and the abusers, why should they listen to anything you have to say on any other subject–even the Gospel itself?

Though like all abuse it’s hard to quantify, statistics seem to bear out this view. A 2010 study by the Barna group revealed that tens of millions of “unchurched” people in America–4 out of every 10 adults who don’t attend church–”said they avoid churches because of negative past experiences in churches or with church people.” Guess who is the largest segment in the “unchurched” demographic? Self-identified Christians. The problem isn’t that we haven’t reached the “unchurched” with our evangelistic efforts; the problem is that we have, and we hurt them in the process. The wise words of Pogo come to mind….

The best way to learn about spiritual abuse is, as with most things, to take the time to read about it. (For a quick-and-dirty immersive experience, Provender’s “Model of Spiritually Abusive Language” is probably the most accurate primer I’ve seen of what it really looks like in practice.) As it happens, I’ve done some writing of my own on the subject. In honor of Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month, I’ve put together a list for you. First are my own articles, then are some links to other resources I’ve found helpful. Find one that looks interesting and give it a look.

Articles On Spiritual Abuse

Antidotes to Spiritual Abuse Things spiritual abusers say vs. things the Bible says. One of these things is not like the other; one of these things just doesn’t belong. (One of my most popular posts, even including the musical ones.)

How Does Jesus Love You? Love, truth, beauty, and grace help you heal. All of them are found in Jesus–the real Jesus in the Bible, that is, not the caricature some religious folks give. I went all out on this first guest post for “Quivering Daughters”, and it’s still probably my favorite thing I’ve ever written.

The Galatian Road out of Legalism The New Testament has an entire book attacking the legalistic doctrine of manipulative spiritual leaders. Here’s a handy summary. (Guest post on “The Cult Next Door.”)

Spiritual Abuse Files: The Untold Story of “Grace on a Snake”! A goofy, often-overlooked story from the Old Testament shows how to respond to a king who talked about grace but got it totally wrong. Samuel L. Jackson shows up.

Hypocriticism All the most wonderful people I know are Christians; so are all the most loathsome jerks I know. Will the real hypocrites please stand up?

Hypocriticism II: Blessed Are the Disillusioned I found a hypocrite… in my mirror. Oswald Chambers suggests that this disillusionment with hypocrisy is actually a very good thing.

You Might Be A Sadducee If… … if you thought the Pharisees were the only nasty religious people in the New Testament. Surprise!

I Have A Sign: Answering Spiritual Abusers According to their Folly A hilarious real-life news story: Absurdist pranksters beat infamous abuser Fred “God Hates F**s” Phelps at his own game.

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian The truth behind a familiar Scripture that abusers love to quote at you.

Godly Authority: A Flight to Topsyturvydom Spiritual abusers often make a big deal out of “godly authority.” Jesus often made a big deal out of humility and self-sacrifice. Somebody must be flying upside down.

Broken Does God want you to be broken… or does God want to heal you?

Sheep Story A few thousand years before anybody ever heard the term “Spiritual Abuse,” God described it perfectly in a poem about sheep.

The True Meaning of Christmas Trees: The Spiritual Abuse Connection A religious urban legend about the origins of the Christmas Tree winds up showing the truth about Spiritual Abuse.

Reader Question: Did Jesus Teach Legalism? Look at a couple of frequently-quoted verses and you might think He did. Behind-the-scenes Bible study tells a different story.

20 Reasons to Abandon a Bugaboo So you want to abandon religion because you object to all the cruelty and abuses in its name? Great! Did you know you’re agreeing with the Bible?

Turn Your Eyes Upon… “If you focus on Jesus, you’ll become like Jesus; if you focus on worldliness—even in order to avoid it—you’ll become worldly.”

The Bondage of Betrothal A sure-fire sign of a cult or high-control group is that they say they have authority over whom you decide to marry. What does the Bible say?

Garments of Salvation Legalist doctrinaires like to make rules about “biblical principles for modesty.” What the Bible really says about clothing may completely change the way you read it.

What It’s All About An anonymous reader’s tear-jerking comment on “Garments of Salvation” reveals why it’s so important to avoid destructive doctrines before it’s too late.

Ashamed of the Gospel? A Case Study of Teen Mania and Works-Based Doctrine I take a look at a controversial youth ministry, Teen Mania’s Honor Academy, to see how a professing Christian group’s doctrine can reveal whether it actually believes in the Gospel or in a works-based relationship with God. (Spoiler: Turns out Teen Mania belongs decisively in the latter category.)

Great Resources from Other People

Pure Provender An exhaustive collection of Spiritual Abuse links and resources. This will keep you busy for quite a while, but it’s probably the best place to start on the Internet.

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Official website of Spiritual Abuse Awareness (month and otherwise). Spread the word.

ICSA International Cultic Studies Association. Exactly what it says on the tin.

Quivering Daughters Hope and healing for women who grew up in the controlling doctrine of the “patriarchy” movement. Don’t miss Hillary McFarland’s beautiful and harrowing book of the same title. (There’s a chapter by me in there too.)

Recovering Alumni Documenting and exposing the many abuses of a major Evangelical Christian youth organization. Some things will curl your hair; other things will give you hope.

Gospel Masquerade Abuses addressed from a Charismatic perspective by a former member of the IHOP cult.

Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources from Jeff VanVonderen, author of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.

Recovery From Abuse ”A practical introduction for pastors and other religious professionals.” If you’re a pastor, go read this site right now. If you’re not, forward it to any pastors you know. It’s that good. (Start with this post if you’re in a hurry–Things a Church Can Do.)

How Cults Work Informative overview of several common deceptive techniques that cults (religious and otherwise) use to manipulate people.

Under Much Grace A wealth of authoritative information on abusive and cult-like practices within “biblical” Christianity.

Recovering Grace Analyzing, exposing, and finding healing from the pervasive teachings of Bill Gothard (Institute of Basic Life Principles).

Church Exiters A good book and website on how to get out of an abusive church environment. Recommended in the comments by Dr. Barb Orlowski. Thanks!

Spiritual Abuse Must Stop New! An impassioned essay by popular blogger Matthew Paul Turner, urging everyone to treat this issue as the serious problem it is.

I’m sure I’m leaving out a lot of good resources. This will get expanded from time to time, so feel free to add your suggestions and favorites in the comments.

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

“Mick McGuire” Performed by Gents in Remarkable Hats

Eric — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:58:52 +0000

In 2010, Alliance Music Publications published my arrangement (for TTBB choir + piano) of the Irish folk song “Mick McGuire.” It’s a comical number about a hapless bloke who woos a girl but, astonishingly enough, doesn’t get on quite as well with her mother.

Since then, it seems to have achieved a wee bit of notoriety. The Colorado ACDA describes it (on their Fall 2010 list of “Repertoire Suggestions”– I’m honored!) like so:

This is a jaunty Irish tune set with interweaving lines. Most of this setting is just 2 parts, but there are spots where it expands to 3 and 4 parts. Humorous text with lots of “diddley-dowdle” nonsense.

It turns out that some people liked it enough to record it. The Minnesota Valley Men’s Chorale, conducted by Steven O. Boehlke, has an MP3 on their website of a very fine and rousing performance that was apparently presented to the ACDA. (That stands, I should have mentioned, for American Choral Directors Association, which is just as big a deal as it sounds.) This one will definitely go in my portfolio. Thanks!

So far, however, my absolute favorite performance that I’ve heard is this hilarious rendition by the Marist Quartet — Messrs. Hayes Callaway, Branden Finch, Clark Helman, and Brendan Hickey, according to YouTube – with impeccable comic timing and some facial reactions and byplay that completely cracked me up. Brilliant work, gents! Have a watch:

Last but not least, I can’t leave out this one, performed by a choir that unfortunately isn’t identified in the YouTube description (help me out, anyone?). The audio is slightly muffled, but it’s noteworthy for the remarkable hats modeled by the singers. I guess this is a good arrangement to wear hats to.

Very few things make composers happier than hearing excellent performances of their music by musicians who are clearly enjoying themselves. My warmest thanks to everyone who’s performed “Mick McGuire.” Those interested in using it for their own choir or ensemble may purchase the sheet music through Alliance Music Publications (AMP 0792) or your local music store.

If you’ve performed any of my music or know someone who has, please seek help– I mean, send me a link to the recording, and I’ll feature it on my website.

“Mick McGuire” Performed by Gents in Remarkable Hats is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

Tacky Nativity Scenes 3: Electric Boogaloo

Eric — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:00:09 +0000

Hey, everybody! It’s the last day of Kistchmas, so let’s play Holiday Mashup! Here’s how it works: You take the Nativity story and something else that’s nothing at all like the Nativity story, and you put them together and see what you get!

Ready? Go!

The prophets fortell the chosen one
Who makes my bathtime lots of fun…

What child is this, who, laid to rest,
has a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal?

And she shall give birth to a son, and shall call his name Gerald McBoing-Boing.

And ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a fishbowl.

“What a lovely baby, Mr. Frodo!” “Thanks, Sam; he’s so precious.”

And lo, faith and begorrah, three wise men came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and me lucky charms….

And so, after defeating the Great Pumpkin, the Easter Bunny brought the baby Jesus to Santa and the Angel, and they put him in the manger, and… and if he sees his shadow it will be winter for six more weeks. The end.

If that isn’t enough holiday cheer, may I recommend The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas by the sublimely funny Hyperbole and a Half:

And so, as Tiny Tim observed, “God help us, every one!”

Merry Kitschmas to all and to all a good night.

Tacky Nativity Scenes 3: Electric Boogaloo is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

Tacky Nativity Scenes 2: The Kitsch that Stole Christmas

Eric — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:00:08 +0000

Welcome back to our annual celebration of Kitschmas!

Today’s theme is: Nativity scenes made of things that should not be used to make Nativity scenes. Brace yourselves….

You never sausage a nativity! It’s made of bacon, yet it’s still in bad taste!

(Sorry. I know that jokes that bad aren’t kosher.)

What child is this? None of your beeswax.

This one is made of baloney. Sometimes this gig is just too easy.

Question: What’s a good song about a nativity that’s made of butter?
Answer: A whey in a manger.

Ba dum bum ching.

A tasteful minimalist design, probably on sale at your local IKEA. I’m starting to think that these aren’t too bad this time around. In fact, I could almost say….

ARGLE BAH G’NABBLE GAH HURG MURG BUH DAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH……

Join us again tomorrow for part 3 of our series, after which it will be boiled in its own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through its heart.

Tacky Nativity Scenes 2: The Kitsch that Stole Christmas is a post from Eric Pazdziora. Buy Eric's CD New Creation from CDbaby or iTunes!

Eric Pazdziora

The Myth of the Weaker Vessel

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If you can’t beat ‘em….

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Housekeeping

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Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month

Articles On Spiritual Abuse

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“Mick McGuire” Performed by Gents in Remarkable Hats

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Tacky Nativity Scenes 3: Electric Boogaloo

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Tacky Nativity Scenes 2: The Kitsch that Stole Christmas

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