eric three thousand

2012-01-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

Project Runway Just Deserts, Episode Four!

Last week Michael won and Gordana was out. Now Gordana is in the fight of her life, in the Project Runway Second Chance Kitchen!

Gordana: "Really?"

No, not really. You're just out.

This week the designers are inspired by Diane von Furstenberg and her favorite desert, Pinkberry:

Diane von Furstenberg: "Can't get enough of it, darling! I eat it three times a day and anyone who says I don't is a damn liar!"

The designers pick the flavor of Pinkberry that will inspire them:

Michael picks first and he chooses the original tart flavor.
Mondo picks next and he selects the original tart flavor.
Mila picks the original tart flavor.
April thinks about it and then picks the original tart flavor.
Jerell has had his eye on that original tart flavor and he gets it.
Kenley gets the original tart flavor and acts like that was what she was hoping for.
Austin announces that he actually is the original tart flavor.
Anthony thinks the challenge is dumb but he takes the original tart flavor.
Rami is relieved he isn't picking last and he gets the original tart flavor.
Kara gets stuck with chocolate.

Kara: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. Poor Kara. I hate chocolate Pinkberry.

OK, it's time for the quickfire challenge. This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. It is also the most dangerous. If you are lactose intolerant.

In a bizarre twist, while they only have six hours to create the look, they have two full days to sketch and they get no money at all. The looks have to be made entirely from frozen yogurt and accessorized only with fresh fruit.

I'm just kidding. Obviously they will also have access to Fruity Pebbles, crushed Oreos, and those little mochi rice balls.

Isaac: "Ooh, I love those!"

Joanna Coles makes her rounds and gives everyone a little cup of yogurt to use as a hat and we learn that the designers are trying to meet the short deadline by just sticking to what they know:

Kenley: "I'm not going to do something new for this challenge."

Joanna: "No kidding. Kenley, you make the same friggin' dress for every challenge. Why would this challenge be any different?"

April was planning to make another black dress, but the mini-Mood that was set up at Parsons didn't have any black fabric:

Swatch the Dog: "Ha ha! Suck it, April!"

The designers all complain about having six hours to make a dress:

Michael: "Six hours? What am I supposed to do after I finish? Just stand around for another five hours?"

Not all the designers are impressed with Michael's speed. Jerell thinks a chimp could make Michael's dress:

Jerell: "To be fair, I don't think a chimp could make it as quickly as Michael could."

Rami is making a wrap dress, but he is not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg:

Rami: "I'm not making a wrap dress because I think it looks good. I'm only doing it because it's really easy. In fact, even a chimp could make a wrap dress."

Well, OK. He's definitely not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg.

The designers go to the L'Oreal studio and ask for sloppy buns. Then they discuss the hair.

There are two guest judges this week; apparently nobody expected Isaac to be back from rehab so soon. The guest judges are supermodel Miranda Kerr and superdesigner Diane von Furstenberg.

Time for the runway:

Michael picks grapefruit to accessorize his original tart Pinkberry. The dress does look a little like soft serve. Actually, the model looks like she's being eaten alive by a giant pile of pink ice cream. The fabric makes me a little nauseated. It's seriously grossing me out. I really need to stop writing about it now, before I get sick.

Mondo picks cantaloupe. This dress actually makes me want to go to the store and buy a cantaloupe. It looks fresh and delicious. I want to eat this dress.

Mila picks milk and sour cherries and her dress is pretty cute. It's red and white color blocking, but with curved seams, which was probably hard to do in that chiffon-y fabric.

April picks blueberry and she mentioned Violet Beauregarde, but that didn't make it into the dress. The closest link I can find between this dress and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is that Helena Bonham Carter was in an adaptation of the book and not even Helena Bonham Carter would wear this dress.

Jerell picks fruits of the forest. If you are like me, and I know you are, you were probably wondering if 'fruits of the forest' was one of those euphemistic terms like 'prairie oysters' that you just don't want to think about. But no, apparently it's just an unnecessarily long way to say 'berries.' Anyway, I kind of love his weird dress.

Kenley picks passion fruit and makes the exact same friggin' dress she makes every week, but she used a slightly different polka dot fabric just to add a little friggin' variety. It's kind of cute. Just like every friggin' dress she makes.

Austin picks vanilla Madagascar. His dress is as pointless as the name of the flavor he chose, so I think he did a good job.

Anthony picks green tea. I guess his dress does kind of make me think of green tea ice cream. It's not the worst thing he's made.

Rami picks kiwi. The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that it completely sucks.

And Kara, of course, gets stuck with cayenne pepper:

Kara: "NOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. She chose to do tiers of white and brown and red, which was pretty yucky. The shape of the dress was so bad it was almost good. Seriously, I was really kind of fascinated by how wrong it was.

Miranda Kerr tells us that she doesn't personally like ruffles on dresses, and normally we would be all, Who the hell cares if you personally like it, but, oh, did we forget to tell you that she will actually be wearing the winning dress? Well, we also forgot to tell the designers, so now they are being judged on whether this woman wants to wear their dress, even though that was not part of the challenge. Whatever.

So Michael and Mondo are the top two and Michael wins the challenge and a date with Diane von Furstenberg. Miranda Kerr has to decide where to wear that dress, but unless she is attending a wedding in Moldavia, I don't know where she would wear it:

Miranda Kerr: "There is that opening of an envelope I'm planning attend."

Kara and April are the bottom two and April is out. Sorry, April.

The judges tell Kara the explanation of her dress was insane but they just didn't see the insanity in the design:

Kara: "That's disappointing, because I'm completely batshit crazy."

Isaac: "Kara, we know you are. We just need you to translate that into your work."

Tune in next week when there will be naked people in a park. Finally.

2012-01-21T11:28:00.000-08:00

Project Runway All Stars, Episode Three: Gays in Space!

Miss Piggy: "It's supposed to be Pigs in Space, you moron!"

I know, but Gays in Space was a Saturday Night Live sketch that I assume was a tribute to Pigs in Space, so I thought it would be funny to reference that instead.

Miss Piggy: "If you have to explain it, it's not funny."

Right. Sorry. So anyway, Isaac is off this week, having his tattoos removed, which means I have to make up a name for that model who is the actual host of the show. Let's call her M, as a tribute to L Macpherson (oh, my god, I think that joke is from that old Julie Brown show called The Edge, featuring Jennifer Aniston before she became famous, which means I'm old enough to remember life before Friends, which is something I do not want to think about.)

M: "This week you will be designing for the most glamorous non-human fashionista on the planet!"

Designers: "I hope it's Madonna!"

M: "Seriously, dummies? Well, it's not. It's Miss Piggy."

Some of the designers are very excited about designing for Miss Piggy and others are not:

Anthony: "I am not impressed."

Miss Piggy: "Right back at ya, sister."

Yeah, so the designers sketch on their fancy new Kenmore Elite sketch pads and then they go to Mood and buy either black or pink fabric because those are the only options and then they fight over the only pair of shoes and gloves on the Kenmore Elite accessory wall and then Mila gets all pissed off about the fact that she has no friends and then all the designers say how they love Muppet Babies, which is apparently the only way the post-Friends generation knows the Muppets and then Joanna Coles asks the designers if a pig would really want to wear a giraffe or a nightie or a really ugly dress and they all say that, yes, a pig would love to wear those things and Joanna say OK, it's your funeral and then it's time for the runway!

The judges this week are supermodel M, designer Georgina Chapman, designer Eric Daman, and movie star Miss Piggy:

We start with Michael's shiny little dress with a big bow stuck on the front. Anthony complains that it is just a simple princess-seam dress with something stuck on the boob, which is a hilarious complaint coming from Anthony.

April made a boring black dress.

Jerell made a horrible pink dress.

Kara made a skin-tight dress. Kara loves the "movement" in this dress. I have this little theory that Kara is completely insane.

Kenley made a cute pink-giraffe-print dress. There is nothing interesting about the design, but the fabric makes it the only interesting thing on the runway, in my opinion.

Anthony made a black dress with a full skirt. It's kind of cute, but I feel like I've seen pigs wearing similar dresses a million times before. It's just not special.

Rami made a completely ridiculous polka dot flamenco dress. I thought it was one of the worst things on the runway. It's so costumey and tacky. I just don't see someone as high fashion and glamorous as Miss Piggy wearing that. The judges disagree with me, however, and put it in the top two.

Gordana made a pink nightie, because she wants Miss Piggy to be comfortable, clearly not understanding that Miss Piggy believes in suffering for fashion.

Austin apparently ran out of time and his original idea of a giant bow on the back, which could have been nice, turned into two really stupid-looking bows just stuck onto the hips. It's awful.

Mondo made a dress that looks like a pink plastic bag. I don't get it.

Mila made a kind of cute black-and-white sixties mod dress. I can see Miss Piggy wearing this for a themed photo shoot, but it's not really appropriate for her promotional tour.

Well, that was a lot of boring for one runway. The judges deliberate and Eric Daman and Miss Piggy get into an ugly argument:

Eric Daman: "I think some of these looks would not really accentuate Miss Piggy's curves."

Miss Piggy: "Are you calling me fat? You wouldn't know a real woman if she punched you right in the face, which I'm about to do."

Eric Daman: "I'm trying to be a good sport about this. Why are you being such a bitch."

Miss Piggy: "Listen, you little weasel, I am a huge star who was wearing designer clothes while you were still in diapers!"

Eric Daman: "Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

Miss Piggy: "I want you so bad!"

OK, I did not see that coming. They are totally making out right there on the runway!

Rusty: "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her!"

Clark Griswold: "Rusty, that joke is terrible. I am so disappointed in you."

The remaining two judges give the win to Michael and they send home Gordana. I seriously think it doesn't matter what Austin does at this point; the judges feel they can't send him home because he's Austin. Yes, that's right, it's a new Lifetime Original Movie:

Austin Scarlett is Drew Peterson

Austin: "I'm untouchable, bitch."

2012-01-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

Project Runway All Stars, episode two: Not a Marx Brothers Parody!

As much as the world is just crying out for a Project Runway parody recap based on a Marx Brothers movie, I refuse to do it. I know the Marx Brothers are very popular, but I have to admit that I've just never quite gotten used to the talkies. I miss the days when you read the title cards, as God intended.

Anyway, as you've probably figured out, the name of this week's challenge is Duck Soup. The designers will be creating glamorous show-stopping gowns to impress Mrs. Teasdale so that she will use her late husband's fortune to save the bankrupt country of Freedonia.

Isaac: "The future of the Eurozone hangs in the balance!"

That's right, Isaac!

Guest judges this week will be Mssrs. Badgley and Mischka, fine purveyors of elegant evening apparel. Some of the designers are thrilled and others are not so thrilled:

Kara: "This is not my papoo moment."

Mondo: "Yeah, I'm with you on that. This is not my papoo moment, either."

What the hell is a papoo moment?

Mondo: "What difference does it make? Just smile and nod."

So the designers have one day and three hundred and fifty dollars and they go to Mood to buy fabric. Michael and April, who once again are sharing half a brain, both pick the same red fabric. Michael freaks out and decides he needs to come up with an entirely new idea:

Other Eric: "Why can't he just do the same dress in another color?"

Mondo: "Because the fabric speaks to you and tells you what to make. You can't just switch fabrics. Duh."

Wow, Mondo has all the answers today. Anyway, Michael switches to black jersey, there is a huge collective sigh of relief, and then the designers head back to the work room.

April starts dyeing her red chiffon and everyone is all, "I don't agree with her life choices, but I guess it's a free country, so whatever."

Joanna Coles talks to the designers and we hear that Austin is under so much pressure because everyone expects him to win this challenge. Apparently he is famous for being a drama queen:

Austin: "Not drama queen! Couture King! Oh, the pressure!"

If it helps, I think you are going to fail miserably.

Austin: "Thank you, my darling!"

Rami tells us he is only human and Kara tells us she is "off the kahunies," which at first I assumed was South African for "I forgot to shave my armpits," but on second viewing decided it was just bad lighting.

Time for the runway:

Kenley - Too bad she couldn't get more of that polka dot fabric, because it might have helped. The two-tiered pink skirt looked weird.

Gordana - Well, it was different from the other things on the runway. The top with the beaded netting was nice and I wish she had covered the entire dress in it. The two-tone purple skirt with insets looked like it belonged on a waitress at Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.

Rami - Blech. I can't even describe this fuchsia nightmare.

Mila - Terrible. Boring black dress with sequin-blocking, which is a new technique she just invented and should never, ever use again.

Sweet P - The floral fabric is cute. The dress is horrid.

Mondo - A silver and white mini with a costumey yoke collar and train. This looked relatively good, compared to the rest of the crap on the runway.

Jerell - This shapeless tent of a beige dress made me want to vomit.

Kara - Her floral gown was almost cute.

Anthony - OK, it's surprisingly good. He absolutely kept his white gown from looking bridal, the black leather gloves are unexpected, and there is no way that dress is staying on without boob tape.

Austin - He made a gold dress covered with black tulle. I find it boring.

April - Everything about this red dress looks like an accident.

Michael - Michael blew the rest of the designers out of the water this week. His dress looked expensive and flawless. I can totally see a rich talentless slut wearing this dress.

Kara, April, and Sweet P are on the bottom and Sweet P is out. Sorry Sweet P.

Anthony, Michael, and Austin are on the top and Austin wins. Congratulations, Austin. I didn't love Austin's dress, but obviously Mrs. Teasdale did:

2012-01-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

Project Runway All Stars, Premiere: Are they all stars?

uh, no

Isaac Mizrahi: "I suggested they call it Project Runway Some Stars, but no one ever listens to me."

Probably for the best. In fairness, though, all but one of these designers either made it to the final or came within one elimination of making it to the final. And all but one of these designers made a final collection or decoy collection. OK, I'll just say it: I don't know what Elisa is doing there. Was Ari Fish not available?

Ari Fish: "I am so totally available!"

Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually offering you a job. One more question: Where is my beloved Daniel Franco?

Daniel Franco: "They must have misplaced my number."

I'm sure that's it.

But we do have some genuine stars: we have Austin and Mondo and, um, Kara and ... uh ... well, we have Austin and Mondo and Kara. That's enough. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I love most of these designers, I'm just not sure they would all top my list of Project Runway stars.

Other Eric is thrilled that the show is only one hour. I, on the other hand, think they edited out a little too much. For instance, we didn't even get to see Kara's or Sweet P's garments walk the first runway. Was that just an editing mistake?

Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to spend a lot of time trying to memorize the contestants' names. I already know them! Unfortunately, I don't know who the host is and I'm really too lazy to try to remember her name, so I'm just going to pretend that Isaac is the host, head judge, mentor, and producer. It's just easier that way. You know what? I'm going to make Isaac play the part of all the models, as well.

Isaac: "I love that idea!"

OK, so the designers are:

Mondo: The designer most cheated out of a win.
Michael: The designer with the most frightening family life
Mila: The queen of color-blocking
Anthony: The queen of tacky prom dresses
Jerell: The designer I completely forgot about but apparently really liked
Elisa: The designer who makes the first elimination easier
Austin: The grande dame of Project Runway
Kenly: The one everyone hated, though I don't remember why
Rami: The queen of draping
Gordana: The one everyone loved, though I don't remember why
April: The really young designer (practically a fetus)
Kara: Pure fabulousness
Sweet P: Why the hell not?

The designers will be playing for a boutique in Neiman Marcus, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, some sewing machines, and a wad of cash.

Isaac: "Those prizes are worth, like, a billion dollars."

Isaac is not really good at math, but I think he's pretty close on this one. That prize package is amazing.

First we see a fashion show of recent looks that the designers brought with them to the competition. Most of them aren't bad. Kenley's is probably the worst, but that's partly because Isaac, her model, is just not full-figured enough to fill out the hips on that gown:

Isaac: "Yeah, I've been working out. Also, I'm wearing Spanx."

The designers watch a video of Valentino, cry, and then go to a 99 cent store. They have to use unconventional materials to create a look inspired by their first looks that they brought with them.

They head back to the design room and meet their mentor, Joanna Coles, who reminds me of someone:

Joanna Coles: "I'm tough, I'm talented, and I'm taking over."

Yep, that's it.

Joanna Coles: "I'm here to whip you losers into shape. And I couldn't be more excited about being forced to work with one of you for a year at Marie Claire. I can hardly wait for that to happen."

On to the drama in the design room. April and Michael are creating almost the same dress out of mop heads! This is going to get ugly! Let's check in on them:

April and Michael: "Whatever."

OK, so that wasn't quite as exciting as we thought. If only we had a true star to add some drama to the proceedings:

Austin: "YOU CURSED GLUE GUN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! MY DRESS IS MELTING! MELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Austin: "You're welcome."

It's time to start the runway, and Isaac comes out wearing an adorable little dress that Wendy Pepper made for him out of Fruit Loops:

Isaac: "One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

Austin made a green plastic dress that he was able to repair after accidentally melting a hole in it. It could have been cute if he hadn't stuck so much crap onto the waist. The inspiration from his first dress is clear.

Kara made a braided pink top and a black table-cloth skirt. It's basically the same as the outfit she made for the Garden Party challenge in season 2. It's fine, but it's not very creative, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with her inspiration look, and, again, the model, Isaac, just doesn't have the hips to pull off this look.

Jerell made a beautiful dress out of cheap scarves. It's just fabric, so it's definitely not a very creative use of materials, but it is really well done.

Elisa made some sort of beach wear. She painted a shower curtain. It's art, people.

Rami made an amazing plaid suit out of laundry bags. We can just end the season now and declare him the winner.

Sweet P made a tiered terry cloth dress. If I saw this dress on the street I would not guess that the materials came from a 99 cent store. I would guess that the dress, itself, came from a 99 cent store.

Mondo made a very nice trash bag dress. Probably the second best trash bag look in Project Runway history. (If you can correctly name the best trash bag look in Project Runway history, you will win a position as guest editor at Marie Claire for a year. Marie Claire won't actually know that you are the guest editor, but you will know, and that's all that matters.)

Kenley made a cocktail dress out of a bath mat. I guess her inspiration was the awfulness of her first dress.

Gordana made what I assume is meant to be some sort of clothing item. It's really as good as anything she's ever made, in my opinion. And I find it almost as bewildering as her first look, so I guess it meets the inspiration part of the challenge.

Anthony made a very nice little purple dress that is exactly like every other dress he's ever made, except that this one is made out of paper.

Mila made a cute striped dress out of gift bags. I kind of love it.

Michael made a shapeless dress out of mop heads.

April made a dress out of mop heads that looked just like Michael's, except that it was good.

The judges like Rami's, Mondo's, and Jerell's. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!

The judges hate Sweet P's, Gordana's, and Elisa's. Elisa is out.

Isaac: "Elisa, I love the sacred geometry of this look. I think the chi is perfect and it gives off a really positive aura."

Elisa: "I don't know what you're talking about, Isaac. They're just clothes."

Yeah, sorry, Elisa. Look, you are clearly an amazing person. I'm sure your customers really appreciate the positive energy flowing from your garments and that your blessings are worth every penny. BUT NONE OF THAT SHOWS UP ON TELEVISION! This show is just not the right fit for you.

And that's the premier! Oh, wait, we have a guest comment from Michael Kors:

Michael Kors: "Elisa's garment looks like what a hooker would wear to a reincarnation."

2011-10-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Finale Part II, otherwise known as the Finale!

Other Eric: "That's it. I'm never watching this show again. Until next season."

Yeah. Well, that finale was a perfectly appropriate ending to this season.

Zanna Roberts Rossi: "You mean because it was the most exciting season in Project Runway history?"

You know what, Zanna? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. I really like your sparkly silver dress, though.

So last time all four designers were sent through to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. The girls wonder if the boys are really happy for them. They aren't. The boys think they have a 25% chance of winning. They don't. They bid farewell to the Hudson and head to the design room, where Tim gives them a sob story:

Tim: "The critiques by the judges hurt me more that they hurt you. It was like the judges slapped me in the face. No, actually, it was worse than that. Remember when Liza Minnelli's boyfriend threw battery acid in her face in Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon, and she had to move in with an epileptic and a homosexual in a wheelchair because she was an outcast from society? That's how I feel."

Designers: "Is that what you came to tell us?"

Tim: "Oh, I'm sorry, no. I wanted to say that Viktor, I liked your jacket over your gown even though the judges didn't, Kimberly, I liked your accessories even though the judges didn't, Josh, I liked your weird catsuit even though the judges didn't, and Anya, you look very pretty. I hope that makes you all feel better."

The designers get 30 minutes and $500 to make improvements to their collections. Kimberly decides to remake her bubble skirt in black, Josh decides to alter his catsuit, Anya decides to make even more print dresses, and Viktor decides to get rid of everything good in his collection and replace it with crap.

The designers go to Mood and Viktor explains what he's looking for:

Viktor: "I'm looking for sheer fabric. Sheer means it looks like it's covered but it's not because you can see through it."

Yes, thank you for clearing that up.

They go to Garnier and L'Oreal:

Anya: "My models looked too done. I want them to look easy, breezy ..."

Collier Strong: "Don't say it!"

Anya: "Covergirl."

Collier: "GET OUT!"

Josh explains what he wants:

Josh: "Yeah, it was yeah, so just yeah ... Yeah!"

Collier: "I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking mascara."

Josh: "No, thanks. I'm already wearing mascara."

Collier: "Not for you. For your models."

Josh: "oh. right. I keep forgetting that other people exist."

Back in the work room Josh has a meltdown for no reason and Anya says her goodbyes:

Anya: "I wish my collection were better so that when I win it will feel more like I deserve it."

Tim: "That's what we all wish for, Anya."

Tim makes his final rounds and starts saying bizarre things:

Tim: "Joshua, I think your style is sophisticated and elegant and I see your client eating at the Four Seasons."

Josh: "Tim's hallucinating! He may be having a stroke! Call 911!"

We get shots of the designers putting the finishing touches on their collections: Kimberly is putting in zippers and waistbands, Anya is making an entirely new collection, and Viktor is repairing the Brother sewing machines and flossing his teeth. But not at the same time. Because that would be gross.

The designers walk to Lincoln Center:

Kimberly: "It's anybody's game at this point."

Except that Anya is going to win.

Kimberly: "Well, yes, obviously."

The designers try to get ready for the show but Kimberly can't find her sewing kit. Clearly the producers stole it so she wouldn't win. The producer manipulation this season is so blatant! Anyway, Anya lets Kimberly use her sewing kit. Take that, producers!

Meanwhile, Josh can't believe people are sewing models into dresses right before a fashion show, because THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!:

Josh: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Josh storms out of Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week.

The guest judge is L'Wren Scott, a major fashion designer I've never heard of.

We start with Kimberly. Maybe I went into this with low expectations, but I really loved her runway show. The styling was much better; it even improved the first look, which was probably my least favorite. The bubble skirt looked much better with the cream jacket. And Heidi's complaint about it having poofy shoulders was completely off base. There were some great looks and they all gave off a similar vibe. But there was a lot of variety, which apparently made Michael Kors think it didn't work as a collection:

Michael: "A collection should just be the same look repeated over and over."

Well, then I think you're going to love one of the upcoming collections!

I also liked Josh's collection more than I thought I would. There were a few really nice pieces. I wish he had done more with the neoprene and less with the plastic, which looked gimmicky and painful. The black billowy dresses were kind of ugly. The neon-green shorts were super-unattractive:

Nina: "The green shorts looked terrible on the runway, but they looked great in photographs. And the only important thing about clothes is that they photograph well."

Viktor messed up. After last week, I was rooting for him to win. But I think he went to Fashion Week with a winning collection and then edited it into a losing collection. The prints and the tailored pieces were really great. But he took out some of the most beautiful pieces and replaced them with really tacky black sheer looks. His collection could have survived a couple of those looks, but not five. He says it doesn't matter because winning would have just been the cherry on his sundae. Well, I really hope he's happy with that ice cream because he lost his cherry:

Viktor: "Excuse me?"

Sorry. You know what I mean.

Anya's collection was nice. I liked most of the pieces. I do think she has a great eye for prints and she could probably have a very successful resort-wear label. But the looks all blurred together. There was a little bit of variety, but not enough to prevent it from feeling like you were looking at the same dress in different fabrics.

The designers are asked why they should win:

Anya: "I demonstrated tenacity and I have a distinct point of view."

Josh: "I learned to edit and I have a distinct point of view."

Viktor: "I'm passionate and I have a distinct point of view."

Kimberly: "Point of view, point of view, point of view, point of view."

The judges have a long chat:

Heidi: "We all know point of view is the most important thing in fashion, and all four designers just told us they have distinct ones. In fact, the one thing their points of view all have in common is how distinct they are. How could we possible choose?"

Michael: "Well, Kimberly isn't going to win."

Heidi: "That goes without saying."

Nina: "Kimberly makes great clothes, has a very clear style that is under-represented in the market, and would have a huge potential audience. Obviously she's just not ready."

What about Anya? They are impressed that she waited until the last minute to create her collection:

Michael: "I love that she is such a procrastinator!"

L'Wren: "Yeah, that's exactly how the fashion industry works: we sit around doing nothing for months and then create collections in two days!"

Heidi announces the winner:

Heidi: "Designers, there are many losers today, but only one of you can be the winner!"

Anya wins. Oh, calm down, you knew it going to happen.

OK, so I really liked Kimberly's collection and it would have been really exciting if she had won. But if something exciting had happened on this show I probably would have dropped dead of a heart attack. So I guess it's for the best. If Viktor had knocked it out of the park like he should have, I would have been upset about him not winning. But he didn't knock it out of the park. And Josh's collection was probably more interesting than Anya's, but there were also some really ugly pieces, so I can't say I really wanted him to win, either. So, there you go; Anya's collection wasn't my favorite, but I liked the individual looks. I don't think anyone else was robbed. So congratulations, Anya!

But what if Anya didn't even make those clothes? What if the real designer was actually Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford? It's a perfectly legitimate theory that deserves as much attention as any other.

Thanks for reading! See you in 2012 for All Stars!

2011-10-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Finale, Part One, The End of Time!

This episode brought to you by the new Ford TARDIS:

Tim Gunn: "It's bigger on the inside!"

That's right! Tim travels through space and time to make home visits to the designers and check on their progress. They had nine thousand dollars and five weeks to create ten looks. To me that seems extravagant after having to make two looks a day for one hundred dollars, but they still complain. There's just no pleasing some people.

First, Tim sets out for White Plains, Maryland, to visit Kimberly:

Tim: "That's interesting. I didn't know there were active volcanoes in Maryland."

I don't think you are in Maryland, Tim! I think you accidentally ended up in Pompeii in 79 AD!

Tim: "oh, crap"

Tim manages to escape and he resets his GPS for White Plains:

Kimberly: "Finally! I've been waiting for you for twelve years! Well, come on in."

Kimberly tells us she was influenced by the Brooklyn of her youth:

Kimberly: "Not the fancy Brooklyn of today, but way back before it became gentrified in May of 2006."

Tim: "Oh, yeah, I remember the day that happened."

Anyway, Tim offers to take Kimberly back to a pre-gentrified Brooklyn so she can experience it firsthand, she says there is no chance she's getting into that deathtrap of a time machine, and then they sit down for a meal of fish fingers and custard, which is much better than it sounds.

Then Tim visits Anya in Trinidad, where he is, of course, overdressed:

Tim: "Bow ties are cool."

Anya: "No, they aren't. You look like a dork."

Anya tells us about her inspiration:

Anya: "I was inspired by our beautiful sister island of Tobago."

Tim: "Why not Trinidad?"

Anya: "I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but if I'm being honest, Trinidad is a total shithole compared to Tobago."

Tim: "Yeah, it is. So tell me about the progress on your collection."

Anya: "I have all my fabric picked out, so I'm set!"

Tim: "Perfect. Once you get to New York there will be plenty of time to have the other designers construct your garments for you."

Finally, Tim visits New York in the 1990s, where he finds Viktor and Josh passed out on the floor of a bar:

Viktor: "It's Josh's fault!"

Tim: "I don't care whose fault it is! Get back to 2011 and finish your collections!"

The designers all get these blue envelopes with notes telling them to meet at the penthouse of the Hudson Hotel in the middle of the desert in Utah. They start putting together three looks to show to the judges because Heidi tells us that only three of them will be going to Fashion Week. We've been led on before, but this time she just flat out lies to us.

Tim makes his rounds. Viktor's jacket is everything, Kimberly is all over the place, Anya is a huge disappointment, and Josh just makes Tim want to weep. Time for the judging!

For some reason the designers are not given time to fit the clothes on the models, so they basically have to pick whatever fits. The benefit of the pre-judging sessions that we've gotten the past few seasons is that the designers have a chance to improve their collections and styling before the real finale. The downside is that the judges and the audience see what should be the best of the collections, which really takes away some of the excitement from the final runway shows.

Maybe instead of the pre-judging Tim could give them more complete critiques, or maybe that woman from Piperlime could stand by the accessory wall shouting "No shoes for you!" if she sees a designer tempted to match the color of a clog to her royal blue pant.

Anyway, Viktor showed three excellent looks and I'm back to thinking he should win. The fabric was great, the jacket was beautiful, the pants were nice. I didn't love the long train of fabric on the dress, but I kind of liked the idea of that jacket over it, just because it was a little unexpected. And I liked the zippered leather skirt, but I would have liked to have seen the zippers zipped to different lengths, which seemed to be the point of it.

Josh's first separates look was good. I liked his weird vintage fabric that made Tim want to commit suicide. I didn't like his little black dress. His third look was so awful I almost liked it. It was a dress in front and a body suit in back. It was certainly different, and I'm a big fan of different. Unfortunately, it was also really ugly. But he showed us enough to clearly be in the top with Viktor.

Kimberly was a mess. The best thing I can say is that the garments looked finished. The colors were garish, the matching shoes were horrendous, the black gown was fine but completely boring, and the first look was so unmemorable I can't even describe it. The only interesting thing was the pink bubble-butt skirt, and even that was ruined by the styling and by the fact that she actually said someone could wear it to the office!

Anya was also a mess. Her first dress was great; that perfect Anya combination of casual and sophisticated. The other two looks were complete disasters; a black swim suit and a dull-gold satin gown that looked like no effort had gone into it. Both Anya and Kimberly suffered from the fact that they weren't able to show the pieces they wanted to because of fitting issues, but even if these were the worst looks in their collections, it was still inexcusable.

So which was worse, Anya's or Kimberly's? Well, it doesn't matter because they are both going on to Fashion Week.

So, you know how this whole season has been a massive waste of time? Well, nothing compares to the waste of time that was this episode. We ended up in the exact same place we were when we started. We still have the same four designers going to Fashion Week. It's like we're stuck in time BUT WE'RE ALL STILL GETTING OLDER!

Tim: "Actually, time isn't stuck. Time is dying. All space and time is coexisting at once, which is why there is a pet pterodactyl at Mood and Winston Churchill is the surprise guest judge for the finale. But don't worry, I think I know how to jump-start time and save the universe."

Tune is next week to see if Tim managed to jump-start time and bring the season to an end, or if we have to keep watching the same four designers compete over and over again forever.

2011-10-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 12: Governors Island!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful challenge
That started from Manhattan
Aboard a regular-sized ferry.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sale that day
For a two-day challenge.

The weather started getting rough,
The ferry was getting tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
Someone might have spilled a cocktail,
Someone might have spilled a cocktail.

The ship set ground on the shore of this
charted Upper Bay Isle

With Gilligan (the star of the show)

The Skipper too (the lovable grump)

The Millionaire (Thurston Howell, III)

And his wife (the debutante, Lovey Wentworth Howell)

The movie star (Ginger, The high-maintenance narcissist)

The professor (obviously)

And Mary Ann (the girl next door)

Here on Governors Isle!

So, yes, in this exciting episode, the designers get shipwrecked on Governors Island. Will they ever be rescued? Do you really care? Anyway, they have to survive on the island using nothing but their wits. Oh, they also have expensive digital cameras, catered food, and Brother sewing machines made out of coconuts. But other than that, they are completely without modern conveniences. Well, except for the golf carts:

The designers drive around the island in their bamboo golf carts taking pictures of all the Mark di Suvero sculptures that have washed up on shore. The Professor tells them that they will be creating three-piece mini collections and that they will be competing in a beauty pageant to pick Miss Castaway.

After the designers start working, the Professor makes an announcement:

Professor: "Castaways, please gather 'round. There has been another shipwreck and now you have some help to complete your collections. In addition to the Skipper, who will be assisting Gilligan, we also have Anthony Ryan, who will be assisting Mrs. Howell, Becky, who will be assisting Mary Ann, Olivier, who will be assisting Mr. Howell, and Bryce, who will be assisting Ginger."

What are the odds of two shipwrecks in one challenge?

Professor: "Oh, there's just been another shipwreck! It's the Harlem Globetrotters!"

Of course it is.

We hear from the designers:

Mrs. Howell: "I love spending money. I love the finer things in life. You know, there really is more to beauty than perfection of face and figure. It also means breeding and poise and a kind of charm that comes with maturity. I should win this beauty pageant."

Mr. Howell: "Oh, Lovey, I think you are the most gorgeous woman on the planet. These other contestants don't even know how to construct a jacket. How can you have a mini collection without a jacket? The other members of the country club would be just appalled."

Skipper: "Gilligan is always coming up with these crazy ideas for these complicated dresses, but doesn't even know how to sew! I'm always cleaning up my little buddy's messes!"

Ginger: "I am not doing a reunion movie! This show ruined my career! Oh, and I'm actually a very sweet, kind person. It's just that nobody can tell because I hide my niceness behind a wall of yelling at people."

Harlem Globetrotters: "You shouldn't have to explain to people that you are a nice person. This is actually a very important life lesson that can best be explained through the art of basketball."

We watch a basketball game that makes us all better people. And then we have world peace.

Now it's time for the runway show:

Wow! Keep in mind that runway is made entirely out of dried fish. Let's see the looks:

Josh's three piece collection is bad. The little white dress with the black net yolk is fine but the other two pieces are just not good. He chooses this really shiny fabric that just looks cheap:

Kimberly chokes. Her silver dress is really nice, but her separates look is not great and the judges think her coat is a little shapeless:

Laura is a complete disaster. Nothing works:

Anya blows me away. Each look is good. The three looks together are great. Sorry, Viktor, but I'm on Team Anya now:

Viktor bored the hell out of me with his three looks. But, obviously, they are very sellable:

The judges shoot poison darts at the contestants they don't like:

Then the contestants tell us why they should win the beauty pageant:

Ginger: "Thank you. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you wonderful people for allowing me to be in this wonderful contest. It really is a wonderful experience, and it just makes a girl feel wonderful."

Michael Kors: "Wonderful!"

Ginger: "Second of all, I'd like to thank all of you marvelous people for allowing me to be in this marvelous contest. It really is a marvelous experience and makes a girl feel marvelous."

Michael Kors: "Marvelous!"

Ginger: "Thirdly..."

Professor: "Thank you, Ginger. Your time is up. Now let's hear from Mary Ann. Please tell us in your own sweet, charming, unrehearsed way what it is that you want most out of life."

Mary Ann: "I would like a world without strife, with universal harmony and international goodwill, where the spirit of brotherhood enriches all of mankind forever."

Mr. Howell: "How revolting."

Mrs. Howell: "I'm not going to make an unrehearsed speech or a speech that's wonderful and marvelous. I would just like for Michael Kors to think about his mother and America and apple pie and do the right thing."

The judges pick a gorilla as Miss Castaway:

Why? Because the other contestants were not born on the island and were, therefore, disqualified.

Josh: "I can't believe I lost to a gorilla! And to a gorilla that doesn't even have range! This is an outrage!"

So the gorilla wins and will be going to Fashion Week, along with Anya, Viktor, Josh, and Kimberly.

Laura is out.

On the after the runway show, we learn two things:

First of all Nick Verrios, my pretend best friend slash arch enemy, asked Olivier about his accent. The rest of us already knew the answer to this because Laura Kluvo on Blogging Project Runway had already gotten an explanation when she interviewed Olivier a few weeks ago. The answer is that he spent most of his childhood in Taiwan. I can tell you this is a typical Taiwanese accent because I spent the first six months of my life in Taiwan. When I moved back to the United States I was teased mercilessly by the other babies, who claimed that I was crying in a phony South African accent. Babies can be so mean!

The second thing we learned is that Kimberly is really annoyed at Laura for saying she doesn't like her clothes. She doesn't seem to want to let it go. Well, I have a private message for Kimberly:

Kimberly, if Laura says she doesn't like your clothes, TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT!

2011-10-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 11: For the Birds!

In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled "The Birds," a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by flocks of the winged creatures.

People laughed.

In 1978, when a high-level government experiment goes terribly awry, a group of giant mutated tomatoes rolled through suburbia on a spree of mayhem and murder.

No one is laughing now.

Yeah, so don't get too comfortable. The episode starts with Tim introducing L'Oreal Makeup Tsar Collier Strong:

Collier: "L'Oreal has just come out with a new line of makeup inspired by heirloom tomatoes. What? Like that's any more ridiculous than a line of makeup inspired by an owl?"

Don't get so defensive. I think it sounds like a great idea.

Laura and Anya will be designing for a Purple Cherokee tomato.

Bert and Josh will be designing for a Green Zebra tomato.

Viktor and Kimberly will be designing for a Yellow Valencia tomato. Ooh, fancy!

As usual, Bert is not happy with the challenge:

Bert: "I hate that tomato. It just looks cheap and tacky."

The exciting part of this challenge is that the designers will be competing head to head and have a chance to win $20,000.

Josh tells us that he really needs the money because he has $100,000 in student loans. I hope he has a law degree from Harvard, because otherwise that's ridiculous.

Kimberly is having a bad day. She makes a really ugly dress and then she accidentally runs over it with her car and sets it on fire. Then she sews over her finger and her fabric gets stained:

Josh, the fabric whisperer, licks the fabric to try to figure out what the fabric wants to do:

Josh: "Wait a minute! That's not blood! It's tomato juice!"

OH, MY GOD! THE TOMATOES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

The designers notice a small tomato scurrying along the edge of the design room. They start screaming and jumping up on the tables to get away from it.

Anya: "Don't worry. Killing tomatoes was my pageant talent."

She squashes the tomato with her shoe. It's very impressive.

Josh asks Anya if he can have some fabric. She doesn't want to help him at this point in the competition. Joshua, Viktor, and Kimberly think Anya has received so much help from the other designers that she should be happy to help them when they need something:

Anya: "But giving fabric is more tangible help than giving advice."

Joshua: "My hundred thousand dollar education is tangible! Stand next to me; you can feel it!"

Anya: "Look, without me saving your asses from that tomato, you would all be spaghetti sauce right now!"

At the last minute Kimberly makes a new dress out of polyester lining fabric. Anya has to decapitate her model and then sew her head back on because she forgot to add a zipper to her dress. And Viktor accuses everyone of copying him. Just like every episode.

Tim enters the design room and makes an announcement:

Tim: "I just want you to know we're all counting on you."

No, that's the wrong movie.

Tim: "Oh, sorry. So, remember when I told you to make a second look?"

I think I forgot to mention that.

Tim: "For crying out loud! What kind of recap are you running here? Anyway, the designers had to make a second look inspired by their tomatoes. Well, the exciting second twist is that they will only be showing one of the two looks they made!"

That's a surprising twist! That's actually kind of frickin' brilliant.

Tim: "Right?"

So the designers pick the one look they want and then the L'Oreal and Garnier people make the models look like drag queens from the 1980s and then the fashion show starts.

The guest judge is Francisco Costa, who seems like a LOT of fun:

Francisco Costa: "Stop joking around. This is very, very serious."

The top three are Anya, Josh, and Kimberly. Anya made an avant garde look. That's right, finally something avant garde! It poofed out at the abdomen, which wasn't great, and normally Michael Kors would have said that "no woman wants to look pregnant when she isn't," but it really was a pretty great look. Josh made a beautiful draped dress. I thought it was better than anything Rami Kashou had ever done, and when it comes to draping, that's saying something. I think it could have won the challenge if he hadn't stuck the most godawful feather corsage on the shoulder. He managed to ruin one of the best dresses I've seen in a long time. Still, it's the best thing he's ever done and almost makes me glad he wasn't sent home last week.

Anya wins!

Michael Kors: "You really thought outside the box!"

Francisco Costa: "It's so light and refreshing!"

Nina Garcia: "I love that there's vodka in it!"

The bottom three are Laura, Bert, and Viktor. Viktor is only there by default, because the judges were so impressed that Kimberly managed to make anything at all after that boulder fell on her and she had to cut off her own arm.

So it's down to Laura and Bert:

Laura: "Two beauty queens, head to head."

Right. Bert's was clearly worse. But I thought the judges might keep him just because he does occasionally do something interesting, unlike Laura, who is pretty consistently not so good.

Bert is out. Sorry Bert. I was actually a fan again.

Nina Garcia: "It's just too literal."

Francisco Costa: "It doesn't have exuberance."

Michael Kors: "It looks like what would happen if a tomato moved to Las Vegas, lost all its money at roulette, got made into soup, and became a hooker."

But wait! There's more! Just when you were thinking an hour and a half wasn't long enough, they thoughtfully added another half hour show! My prayers have been answered! I DIDN'T EVER ACTUALLY WANT TO GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT!

Zanna Roberts Rassi: "Hi, welcome to the show! I'm not Andy Cohen!"

Well, yes, there is that.

Zanna: "OK, we don't have much time so let's start complaining about Anya, since she isn't here."

Yeah, where is she?

Zanna: "That's enough. It's time to bring out Anya so we can all feel uncomfortable."

Anya makes a dramatic entrance and is very gracious:

Anya: "I completely understand why everyone is mad at me. It doesn't feel at all like you are ganging up on me."

Zanna: "Now it's time for a segment we call 'Clearing the Air,' where the designers start saying something and then I interrupt them and say we are out of time."

That sounds like a stupid ...

Zanna: "Sorry, we're out of time. But before we go, Laura Benett is here to ask Josh a question."

Laura Bennett: "Josh, the viewers would like to know why you are such an asshole."

Josh: "Thank you for coming and asking me that question. Now, take your Harry Winstons and stick them up your nose."

Zanna: "Now it's time for the part of the show we call 'Josh Storms Out of the Room.'"

Josh storms out of the room.

2011-10-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 10: The Project Runway Bunch!

This episode was another group challenge, but it's one of those group challenges where each designer makes a completely separate look. Try not to think about it. Actually, they have to make two looks. But what will inspire them this time?

Heather Archibald, from Piperlime: "Our customer is very into trends. Trends are really trending right now."

Tim: "I'm wondering if you realize that that doesn't actually mean anything."

Heather: "Well, the big trend right now is that everyone wants to dress like Carol Brady. Carol Brady is the very essence of 70s casual elegance, and young people just can't get enough of her look."

The designers get a dossier on Carol Brady so they will know what to make.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Sex on a stick.

Josh: "I don't know an insane amount about Carol Brady because I was literally born yesterday."

In this exciting episode, Anya loses her Kitty Karry-All doll at Mood and she blames Josh, who just wanted to practice playing his kazoo:

Anya: "I'm telling Tim!"

Heidi: "I'm sorry honey, but Tim is golfing and, besides, we don't want to bother Tim on his day off."

All the girls take Anya's side:

Anya: "Josh hated my Kitty Karry-All!"

Laura: "It's true. He was always saying so!"

Kimberly: "We are going to get that doll back!"

Anya: "And Kitty doesn't even have her bottle. She'll starve to death!"

[insert laugh track here]

At first the boys all take Josh's side:

Bert: "Do you take the sacred pledge that you didn't steal Anya's doll?"

Josh: "I swear!"

Viktor: "He took the sacred pledge! That proves he didn't do it!"

The designers start beating the crap out of each other and then Tim comes in and breaks it up:

Tim: "We are going to search Mood from top to bottom until we find that doll!"

Tim goes into the Mood kitchen, where Michael Kors is trying to prepare dinner. He tries looking in the oven:

Michael Kors: "If I had known you wanted a doll so badly, I would have baked you one."

[insert laugh track here]

The doll still doesn't show up and the boys start turning on Josh. Nobody will play with him. Tim gives the kids a civics lesson:

Tim: "Designers, gather 'round. We have something in this country called the criminal justice system. The accused are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Then we fry those sons of bitches. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

The designers hold a mock trial with Michael Kors as the judge. The trial lasts about thirty seconds, which is just long enough for the pot roast to catch on fire:

Michael Kors: "Oh, Christ! My pot roast!"

Some of the looks this week were actually not bad. The top three and bottom three were pretty clear.

Kimberly's first look was ugly. The print for the circle top was terrible and the skirt was so not Carol Brady. The second look was a nice gray plaid suit. I liked the second look but it wasn't very well made. Kimberly is in the middle:

Kimberly: "Anya, Anya, Anya! It's always Anya! Nobody ever notices me because I'm in the middle!"

Anthony Ryan's first look is a mess. It's just a bunch of awful mismatched fabric thrown at a model. His second look is actually very 70s and I kind of like it. The print is cool. Unfortunately, it may be a little too 70s and isn't really updated at all. The judges hate it.

Bert made two pretty great looks. I'm not really sure what the first one is -- a beach coverup? Anyway, the shear print over sequins in pretty cool and his little jersey dress is adorable, if not exactly groundbreaking. He's in the top three and the judges want to sell the dress on Piperlime.

Laura made two horrible looks. She chose awful fabrics that made no sense together.

Laura: "Nina is just jealous because I'm so popular and pretty and I know she threw that football at my face on purpose."

Josh made a fabulous blinged-out Star Trek uniform and a black-and-neon dress that is totally 70s because of the length. Also, I think he stole that doll."

Josh: "I did not!"

Anya's first look is not bad for $11.50. But that's about the best thing I can say about it. I love the fabric for her second look, which is a jumpsuit. But it flares out at the hip in an unattractive way. She definitely deserves to be safe, but it wasn't as great as the judges made it out to be.

Nina: "She is so resourceful. Even though she lost her Kitty Karry-All doll, she just kept working and did her best."

Both of Viktor's looks are impeccable. The winner is obvious.

Too bad the winner wasn't obvious to the judges. They give the win to Anya because they feel bad about her doll.

Anthony Ryan is out. Sorry, Anthony Ryan!

Joshua says he wasn't alive in the 70s so he doesn't understand the Carol Brady look. The other designers delicately point out that he is an idiot:

Viktor: "I wasn't alive in the 70s either, but I've watched television."

Josh: "Yes, but not everyone is like you! I spend all my time staring into the mirror! How am I supposed to know anything about the rest of the world?"

Kimberly: "I think it is important for fashion designers to know something about the Carol Brady look."

Bert: "Yeah, that's what designing is all about -- Carol Brady. Now, just tell us where the doll is and we'll forget about the whole thing."

Josh storms out of the room, which is the only way he knows how to leave a room. He is very depressed:

He thinks really hard about what to do:

He finally decides to hang himself in his closet:

No! Don't do it, Josh! You have so much to live for!

Oh, wait, Tim finds Anya's Kitty Karry-All doll! Swatch the dog stole it and hid it in his dog house. It was in there the whole time!

That darn dog!

[insert laugh track here]

Shout out to Other Eric for his Brady Bunch DVD collection!

2011-09-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 9: Daydream believers!

Yeesh. I don't even know where to start. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time:

"Hey, guys! Let's start a band! Maybe we'll get on the cover of Rolling Stone!"

"But what if we have to wear really shitty clothes?"

"Why would Rolling Stone do that to us?"

Yeah, I don't think anyone has an answer to that question.

So, this challenge should have been fun. The designers were supposed to do a makeover for the members of a new band. That's usually more of a job for a stylist than a designer, but some bands get custom-designed clothes, so it could have worked. Unfortunately, the results were spectacularly awful. And not in a good way. The designers managed to make clothes that were almost breathtakingly bad and yet at the same time so boring I have nothing to say about them.

First, let's get to all the drama, since that's why we all watch. Oh, what's that you say? You don't watch for the drama? You watch for the fashion? Well, too bad for you, because this episode didn't have either.

Remember at the beginning of the season when there were way too many menswear designers? Guess what? Now nobody does menswear! Even the menswear designers can't do menswear!

Olivier: "I can do menswear. But only on a mannequin. And only if the mannequin is very, very quiet."

Yeah, sometimes the little wheels on the bottom squeak.

Olivier: "Oh, my god, I hate that."

Anyway, the designers are split into two teams of four, but it doesn't really matter, because they will be creating completely independent looks. One person from each four-person team will be creating an individual look for one of the four members of the band. So each band member gets two looks. Don't worry, I checked the math and it does work out.

The producers showed the designers all getting along really well together. Which made me wonder who these new producers are and what they did with our old producers. The designers are all in a giving mood. Bert gives money to Laura, Anya gives fabric to Kimberly, and Joshua gives everyone crabs. It's touching, really.

Well, we're going to have to discuss the clothes at some point, so let's get it over with. The band performs and the guest judge is Adam Lambert:

So, guys, what do you think of your new look?

Guys: "We love it. We wish there were more sequins. Can we have our recording contract now please?"

In a minute. First we have to critique the individual looks:

Micky (By Joshua and Anthony Ryan)

Nina: "He's a little over-accessorized."

Michael: "Those horizontal stripes aren't working. No man on earth wants to wear something that makes him look wider."

Heidi: "He is really rocking that Garnier Fructis, though."

Peter (By Anya and Kimberly)

Nina: "It looks like a woman's blouse."

Michael: "It's Peter Brady at a harvest festival."

Adam Lambert: "I think it's very dash-chic-y! Get it? Dash-chic-y?"

Michael (By Bert and Olivier)

Nina: "I like this look."

Michael: "Who knew Bert had a rocker's soul?"

Adam Lambert: "I would totally wear this on the red carpet."

Davy (By Laura and Viktor)

Nina: "It looks like a woman's blouse."

Michael: "You think everything looks like a woman's blouse."

Nina: "Well, at least I don't say everything looks like a Golden Girls Brady Bunch hooker."

Adam Lambert: "Scooby-Doo?"

Nina and Michael: "Oh, shut up."

And now I'm done with those awful clothes. Viktor wins and Olivier is out.

Nothing. Will ever. Be the same. Again. This Sunday. The lies. The betrayals. The season finale of Drop Dead Diva.

Oh I'm so sorry. I have to wash my hair that night.

2011-09-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 8: How Does She Do It?

Eric3000 is brought to you this week by the wacky new comedy starring Sarah Jessica Parker. She plays a woman who literally juggles her children's toys and her blackberry. It's a very subtle metaphor referring to how the modern woman has to juggle family and career. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy? Well, welcome to the 1970s!

Heidi Klum: "I just have to say that I have approximately eight children and I also run a multi-billion-dollar media empire. It's not that hard."

Anyway, last week Anya won and Becky went home. Bryce is convinced he is next to be out and he sets out to fulfill the prophecy. Josh decides to try to be nice this episode, so the producers need to find a new villain:

Olivier: "I think all women should be forced to have radical double mastectomies so I can design flat clothes."

Oh, my goodness! How could he say such a horrible thing? Oh, that's right, he didn't. Unfortunately for the producers, Olivier is just too helpless and weird to be turned into a villain. At worst, he's slightly annoying. And even then, I can't take anything he says seriously.

Heidi: "So, yeah, this challenge is all about the boobage. Major boobage."

Designers: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Apparently these designers do not like the boobage. I think they need to get over that, as they will be encountering breasts from time to time in the fashion industry.

Heidi: "And here are the boobs now!"

A group of men walk out on stage.

Heidi: "I'm just kidding! They are all really nice guys! You will be designing for their wives and girlfriends. Some of the wives have never met their husband's girlfriends before, so this should be exciting!"

Well, that just seems cruel.

The men are picked in reverse order by weight. The men then tell the designers everything they know about their wives and girlfriends:

Men: "They have breasts."

Really. That appears to be the only thing they know.

Men: "No, you don't understand. We really like breasts."

Got it. Straight men really like breasts. Let me just write that down so I don't forget.

But, seriously, the designers need a little more to go on:

Viktor: "So, if your wife went shopping at a store, what store would it be?"

Client: "Hmmm . . . she must shop for clothes, right? I do notice that she isn't naked all the time."

Some of the men do have a few suggestions:

Josh's client wants something simple:

Josh: "Oh, don't worry, honey. It will be simply fabulous!"

Client: "No. Just simple."

Josh: "Simple . . . as in simple simple? . . . plain and simple? . . . I think I just died a little bit inside."

Bryce's client wants something girlie and pink and is so in love it makes Bryce physically ill:

Bryce: "He's so in love. I just want to punch him in the face. It's rude to talk about how in love you are when you are around someone who might be missing his boyfriend. I just want to go home."

And so it shall be!

Anthony Ryan's client wants a red dress to replace the one he accidentally set on fire:

Anthony Ryan: "Could you be more specific? Do you want amaranth? Beet red? Candy apple red? Cardinal red? Carmine red? Cerise? Coral? Crimson...?"

Client: "Um..."

Anthony Ryan: "Hibiscus? Hopi? Ruby? Sangria? Scarlet? Tomato...?"

Client: "Well, I..."

Anthony Ryan: "Venetian? Vermilion...?"

Client: "Please stop."

Anthony Ryan: "You know what? I just remembered; it doesn't matter anyway because I'm colorblind!"

We don't actually witness the beating that follows, but we do see the resulting head wound.

Bryce buys a terrible pink fabric and then dyes it a nice fuchsia. He and Viktor then perform their favorite scene from Steel Magnolias:

Bryce: "Pink is my signature color."

Viktor: "That dress looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol."

Bryce then has a baby and dies. Oh, did I give away the ending? Sorry.

Olivier is having trouble with his model. Mainly because she is not a cardboard cutout and she has working vocal chords:

Olivier: "I'm not here to make my client happy. I'm here to make fashion."

On to the runway with guest judge Malin Akerman. You remember her. She was in that movie? Yeah, I didn't see it either.

Laura made a hideous teal gown.

Anthony made a terrible red and black dress that was a cross between a cheerleader and superhero costume.

Bert made a boring/tacky dress.

Josh made a pretty black cocktail dress.

Bryce made a hot pink mess/dress. It would have been really cute if it had fit properly and he had simplified the back and the hem. The pockets were actually a nice design detail, although the fact that his model thought she was going to put her keys and phone in there was pretty scary.

Kimberly made a dress with a black skirt and purple top. It was OK.

Olivier made a blue trouser and beige top that looked pretty good.

Anya made a ridiculous black-and-white print gown. I did not like this dress. The whole thing looked like an accident and the detail on the hem was awful. I don't know what the judges found so original about a skirt that is floor-length in back and coochie-length in front; we've seen that many times before and it always looks just as stupid. Nobody should wear that dress to a gallery opening. I can, however, imagine someone with bad taste wearing it on the red carpet. And I'm looking forward to that.

Viktor made a very cute retro/funky skirt and top that is exactly what his client was already wearing. I thought it was the clear winner, but he also had the least challenging clients. The judges make weird comments to justify not giving him the win:

Nina: "She's over-accessorized."

Michael: "Yeah. Why would a woman need sunglasses and a purse?"

Oh, I don't know, maybe because it's sunny and she needs somewhere to carry her credit card and lip gloss?

Heidi: "Just hire someone to carry that for you."

Anyway, Josh wins for his pretty if unexciting black cocktail dress. Bryce is going home to listen to Lady Gaga until he creates an amazing collection. Even Lady Gaga couldn't survive listening to that much Lady Gaga. I'm scared for him.

Stay tuned for a new episode of Dance Moms, staring Olivier Green:

Olivier: "I wasn't put on this earth to make my client feel special! I was put on this earth to make my client dance!"

2011-09-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 7: Can't we all just kill each other?

Bert: "What the hell was that?"

Joshua: "That was the sound of America suddenly liking you again."

Bert: "But why? I'm as rude and unsociable as ever."

Joshua: "Yeah, but compared to a full-on sociopath you're almost adorable. I wish I could feel sorry for stealing your thunder, but obviously that would require empathy. Too bad."

The designers are split into two teams of five for a textile design challenge. In addition to creating textile designs, they will also have to create videos, record music, construct a new runway, redecorate the studio, perform a minor outpatient procedure on Michael Kors (he has a mole that doesn't look quite right), and make an amuse bouche that will delight the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The good news is that they have two full days. Also, Betsey Johnson is here to help:

Betsey Johnson: "Here is a four second video of my new collection that will give you all the inspiration you will need!"

ooh ... ahh ... oh ... ooh ... and that's it?

Betsey Johnson: "My collection is so amazing that any longer than four seconds would make your head explode."

Team Chaos is Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Olivier, and Bryce. Team Nuts and Bolts is Joshua, Laura, Kimberly, Becky, and Bert.

Team Chaos is a vision of order and reason, while Team Nuts and Bolts is falling apart.

Alanis Morissette: "There's a word for that. It's right on the tip of my tongue ..."

No one cares, Alanis. Anyway, Bert was picked last again:

Heidi: "I feel so bad that Bert is always picked last. Why doesn't everyone else love Bert as much as I do?"

Bert: "Probably because everyone else has actually spent time with me."

Heidi: "What was that?"

Bert: "Nothing. I was just swearing under my breath."

Heidi: "Oh, good."

The teams get to work. For Team Chaos, Anthony Ryan comes up with the theme of a Horshack test. That's that thing where a therapist forces you to look at pictures of Ron Palillo from Welcome Back, Kotter until you start crying. It's surprisingly effective.

For Team Chock full o'Nuts, Joshua decides that this would be a good time to argue about the Village People:

Joshua: "Shut up, shut up, shut up! There is no fireman in the Village People!"

Laura: "Well, there should be. Firemen are national heroes."

Joshua: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Joshua storms out of the room.

Tim makes his rounds in the design room. Team Chaos has some nice black-and-white prints, their designs are looking good, and they are getting along really well. Tim doesn't know what to tell them:

Tim: "I'm flummoxed. Hmmm. Oh, I know; make sure your garments fit well!"

Wow, Tim. That was so helpful. Maybe you should have told them to use a Magic 8 Ball to predict what styling the judges would prefer for this challenge.

Team Chock full o'Nuts made some really tacky black-and-white prints, their designs are terrible, and they all hate each other. Tim knows just what to do:

Tim: "I learned this from my dear friend Madonna, who does this before every concert. Let's form a prayer circle and pray for a good show. Now, gargle with some salt water and make sure you pee, because this is going to be a long set."

In addition to Heidi, Michael, and Nina, we also have Rachel Roy and Rose Byrne as judges this week. Why do we keep getting five judges this season? Is it just in case Nina doesn't show up?

Nothing about Team Chock full o'Nuts worked. The prints were dreadful (Becky's giant gear print was the best of the worst), The designs were even worse than the prints, and the video was pathetic. The video, which was supposed to be background imagery for the runway show, featured a storyline about a woman who likes shoes and getting out of taxis. Joshua should have been deported from New York City for making that.

Michael Kors: "It's like hookers who went to a hooker convention at a place where hookers go."

He's right, you guys. That's exactly what it was like.

So, yeah, everything went wrong with that team and it was all Joshua's fault. Obviously, Becky is sent home. Sorry Becky.

Team Chaos has a great show. Nothing terribly exciting, but still some of the nicest garments we've seen all season. And they worked really well as a collection. And their video was really good. The judges love Anya's cute print dress and Viktor's beautiful gown and they totally cream themselves over Olivier's jacket. Other than the styling (they should have used the Magic 8 Ball), the judges love almost everything about this team's work.

Heidi: "Team Chaos wins."

I just have one thing to say about that: duh.

The winning team has to pick a pirate king:

Olivier: "I pick myself."

Viktor: "I pick myself."

Anthony Ryan: "I pick myself."

Anya: "I pick myself."

Geoffrey Rush: "I pick myself."

Keira Knightley: "I pick myself."

Johnny Depp: "I pick Anya."

Anya is the only pirate to get two votes so she becomes the pirate king! Congratulations, Anya!

Oh, and the new exit line for the show is going to be "Your crotch has been cancelled."

2011-09-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 6: Avant-What?

I have a dream that someday all the children of the world, regardless of their race, religion, or sexuality, will figure out what the hell 'avant-garde' means. Look, I never claimed to have really important dreams, okay?

So, yeah, this is the ridiculous 'avant-garde' challenge, in which, as usual, not a single designer will create anything even remotely avant-garde. Part of the problem is that the designers, after all these seasons, still have no idea what the term means:

Laura: "Avant-garde means it has to be unwearable."

Bert: "Avant-garde means really futuristic, like those Pac-Man video games all the kids are playing."

Olivier: "Avant-garde means boring clothes that I don't usually make."

Josh (Either One): "Avant-garde means drag queen costumes. Fabulous!"

Yeah, so that's part of the problem. But really here's the main problem with an 'avant-garde' challenge:

EVERY FRIGGIN CHALLENGE ON THIS SHOW IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN AVANT-GARDE CHALLENGE!!!

Avant-garde just means experimental and cutting-edge and that's what we should be seeing every week. It's never a "Make us something we've seen before" challenge.

So, if every challenge is an avant-garde challenge, what do you do for the actual "Avant-Garde Challenge"? Well, obviously, you glue a bunch of crap onto a dress:

Tim: "Be careful not to cross the line into costume. Oh, who am I kidding? You are all going to make costumes, no matter what I say."

Anyway, last week Danielle was out and everybody else won because the judges were too lazy to pick just one person.

The designers talk to the camera:

Bert: "I'm going to try not to be such an asshole."

Maybe you should start with more realistic goals, Bert. How about just not acting like such as asshole?

Bert: "I can do that."

Laura: "It is a well-known fact that I am not the biggest fan of Becky's."

This is the first I've heard of it.

Laura: "Well, I don't know where you've been because it's all anyone can talk about. The whole country is consumed by the Becky-Laura relationship. Will I continue to not be the biggest fan of Becky's, or will I become a little bit of a fan?"

Oh, my gosh! Now I really want to know!

The designers go back to school:

Tim: "Designers, welcome to the Harlem School of the Arts, where even the least talented student is more creative than any of you."

Harsh, Tim, but true. These art students are talented. I'm not saying their work is avant-garde, but it's a hell of a lot better than any of the clothes we're seeing this season.

Anya is excited to be working with children:

Anya: "If I could be any kind of tree, I would be a really big tree that would provide shelter to children so they could grow and flourish. Where's my crown?"

Viktor's art student is precocious and hilarious:

Student: "So, what was art like when you were a kid?"

Viktor: "Well, oil paint hadn't been invented yet, so . . . how the hell old do you think I am? Go ask Bert what it was like to paint the caves of Lascaux."

Bert actually likes working with his art student:

Bert: "My student is so quiet it's almost like he isn't there. Children should be seen and not heard. Also, they shouldn't be seen. Have I mentioned how much I like being left alone?"

Major drama again at Mood this week:

Josh C.: "I didn't spend all my money."

DRAMA!!!!

OK, well, if you have recovered from all that drama, it's time to move on to the runway with all the art students and guest judge Kenneth Cole and no Nina:

Kimberly made a pleather and feather dress inspired by a painting of a bird. It wasn't bad.

Becky made a gray denim gown with green Borg spaceships stuck to it. It was inspired by a gray denim painting with green Borg spaceships painted on it. The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that it completely sucked.

Oliver - to say he designed a dress for this challenge would be an exaggeration.

Josh M. made a pretty cool drag-queen outfit inspired by a painting of a dead tree. I liked it, but let's be real, the neoprene skirt pushes it way over the costume line.

Bert created clown clothes. I actually liked the fact that he played with volume and proportion in his pant; that's appropriate for an avant-garde challenge. Unfortunately, he covered it with a mobile from a baby's crib. It made no sense.

Viktor made a chiffon gown that was in no way avant-garde, but his art student thought it was pretty and that's really the only thing that matters, right?

Laura made a ruffled chiffon gown inspired by a painting of a rose. It wasn't avant-garde, but the visible boning was interesting and the overall effect was pretty good.

Bryce made a blue and orange gown with straight-jacket sleeves inspired by a creepy-looking portrait. The sleeves were probably the most interesting thing on the runway this week and I just wish he had taken the idea a little bit further, because the overall look didn't work.

Josh C. made a complete disaster inspired by a painting of a wolf. Combining the judges' comments, it was a Victorian cocktail waitress crossed with a dominatrix prostitute Halloween costume. Which obviously would have been completely awesome if he had done it correctly. But this just looked cheap. He had originally planned to go with a faux-fur headpiece, which was admittedly looking like a wolf costume. But a little faux-fur hoodie might have been cute. Josh C. is out again. He really does seem like the sweetest guy. I hope he does finally find a nice girl . . . to go to gay bars with him.

Anthony Ryan made a nude gown covered with little strips of fabric inspired by brush strokes. I'm with Kenneth Cole in not loving the execution, and obviously it wasn't avant-garde, but it was a pretty nice dress. Anthony Ryan wins.

Anya made a dress with way too much going on. I liked the print hoop skirt. I think it was the feather top that made it look like a costume. Again, avant-garde does not mean "stick as much crap as possible on a dress."

Tune in next week when we get a team challenge and, God willing, someone accidentally creates something avant-garde.

Before we go, Tim has an announcement:

Tim: "I just want to remind you that it is against the rules to glue your garment to your model. Please use staples. Thank you."

2011-08-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 5: New Directions!

Heidi: "My product line is for New Balance, not New Directions."

I know. I just wanted to hear you say 'new directions.'

Heidi: "Look, I pay you a lot of money to promote my product line."

No, you don't.

Heidi: "Really? Well, would you mind doing it just because I'm pretty?"

Well, OK. Buy Heidi's New Balance product line, everyone! Like I've said in the past, her clothes are perfect for women who want to look like they might go to the gym.

Heidi: "Thank you."

Last week Kimberly won and Julie was out. Cecilia is really pissed off because she did absolutely everything she could think of to get kicked off the show and yet she's still there:

Cecilia: "I made a beige dress for Nina Garcia! It was a metaphor for stabbing her in the heart! Do I need to actually kill someone to get out of here?"

Anyway, over in the boy's apartment, even though it's a little early in the episode, it's time for our favorite segment of the show called...say it with me...Bert Gets Confused!:

Viktor: "Hey, Bert, what are those boxes there on the counter?"

Bert: "What boxes?"

Viktor: "The boxes right in front of you."

Bert: "I don't know what you're talking about, Sean. I can't see anything on the counter because it's covered with all these boxes."

So, apparently, while the designers dreamed of sugarplums, the elves brought them packages. And it is pretty magical because at this point the designers are still sleeping in the living room and yet they slept through this delivery. The designers are as exciting as kids on Christmas morning:

Laura: "I hope it's a miniature pony!"

Bryce: "I hope it's an easy-bake oven!"

Close. It's running shorts and sneakers. The designers head over to the New Balance Track and Field Center, where they all die.

Well, not quite. But those New Balance shoes are really dangerous. Olivier trips and nearly kills himself.

Heidi: "That has never happened before!"

Look, I'm sure Olivier is not your target demographic. In fact, it looked like running was a completely new concept for him. Poor thing. I seriously almost passed out watching this scene. I think this show may be too violent for me.

Oh, wait! I forgot! Before that happened, Cecilia decided to quit. Heidi makes a little speech that reflects either the fact that they have too much time to fill or there have been legal issues:

Heidi: "I want to make it very clear that the designers are not being kept here against their will. We are not, I repeat, NOT holding their family members hostage in exchange for their participation on this show. Do not believe those rumors. Cecilia is free to leave at any time. I will make sure she regrets it for the rest of her life."

Cecilia: "What?"

Heidi: "I said there are no hard feelings, and I wish you the best of luck in the rest of your life."

So, the team leaders are the first four runners who finished a lap and they pick from the other designers:

Josh picks Anya and Becky
Bryce picks Kimberly and Daniel
Anthony Ryan picks Laura and (reluctantly) Bert
Viktor picks Olivier and will get to choose a returning designer

OK, that is pretty crazy! Viktor gets to choose which eliminated designer actually gets to return to the show! For some strange reason, all the designers want Josh C. to return. Apparently, everyone loves him. It's very sweet. Either that, or they know he will be the weakest competition. No, that's just being cynical.

So, yes, we have two Joshes on the show again and I have to distinguish between them when I'm writing my recaps. What a pain in the ass. I don't have time to be typing in the first letter of their last names! I'm very busy! Doesn't anyone on this show consider my feelings?!

Anyway, the challenge is for the teams of three to create three casual looks to wear with sneakers and the winning look will be produced as part of Heidi's New Balance line.

Becky and Bert are not being allowed to participate in their teams. While the editing doesn't actually show Bert being such a terrible teammate, I think it isn't a coincidence that nobody likes working with him. Becky, on the other hand, seems cooperative, but Josh Not C. is just being an asshole. He is totally rude to her for hours and she finally goes and cries in the toilet and then he gives her a half-assed apology:

Josh Not C.: "Becky, I am really sorry that you design dowdy clothes. And I mean that sincerely. We are all just tired. I'm sure if we all weren't so tired, we would all just agree that you are untalented and there would be no problem. So, are we good?"

Becky: "Yeah, OK."

Time for the runway. Heidi is wearing a black sequined trash bag. There is a guest judge. That's all I can tell you about that.

Some of the garments were pretty good and others weren't. I don't have time to describe them, because it takes too much time typing in the first letters of the last names of the two Joshes.

Viktor wins with a wrinkly dress and a biker jacket. Then Josh Not C. also wins with Anya's maxi dress, which didn't make much sense, but whatever.

The loser causes more problems. Anthony Ryan created one of the worst looks in history, but Danielle also made a terrible look and she hasn't demonstrated any ability to make anything other than terrible looks. Heidi and Nina argue over the rules of the competition. Nina thinks a designer's promise should be factored into the judging, while Heidi has a more strict German view about rules:

Heidi: "The Ten Commandments of Project Runway are very clear. The First Commandment states: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, unless thy neighbor's ass is totally awesome, in which case nobody would blame thee. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the wrong one. It's the second one: One day thou art in and the next thou shalt be out."

Nina: "Don't be so uptight, man. You're totally harshing my buzz. You need to open your mind and experience the universe."

In general, I agree with Nina. We shouldn't be so uptight about rules. If two looks are almost equally bad, the judges should be free to take other things into consideration. But in this case, Anthony Ryan's look was far worse than Danielle's and I think Heidi is right.

Heidi is overruled and Danielle is sent home.

Heidi: "Please buy my clothes. But please do not go jogging in them or you will be severely injured."

2011-08-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 4: Nina, Nina, Nina!

This episode is all about Nina.

Michael: "I'm sick of it! All I ever hear is how great Nina is at this, or how wonderful Nina is at that! Nina, Nina, Nina!"

uh, anyway ...

Heidi: "So, Nina, why don't you tell us everything you don't like."

Nina: "Well, I don't like prints or colors or puffiness or pleats or ... you know what? I just realized something. I don't really like clothes."

Nina leaves the show to pursue her lifelong dream of operating her own gourmet food truck called NinaBites.

Nina, we'll miss you, but we wish you well in your new endeavor! Meanwhile, the designers still have to create looks that will go from day to evening:

Heidi: "I would be nervous if I were you. But, of course, I'm not you. I'm me and I have nothing to be nervous about. I hope that makes you feel better."

The designers look at past images of Nina. I never really noticed that she only wore black and white:

Tim: "Designers, we don't want to see a gray runway show. We only want to see black and white. Make sure the models walk slowly so the black and white doesn't blur together into gray."

Major drama at Mood:

Ryan Anthony and Becky pick the same print! DRAMA! Ryan Anthony is sure Becky did it on purpose, which totally makes sense (if you are an idiot).

We learn that Julie became a designer because she was tired of being a bartender:

Julie: "Those are the only two professions, right?"

Now for a new segment of the show called Why is He Telling Us This?:

Viktor: "This is muslin. You use it to make a test garment before you use your actual fabric. You're welcome."

And that's all you need to know to make your own clothes at home. Seriously, why is he telling us this? Oh, now I understand why that's the name of the segment.

Anthony Ryan calls his fiance, who I'm going to call Joaquin Dakota, just for the hell of it:

Anthony Ryan: "I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm being sent home because that's what happens when someone calls a loved one on this show."

Joaquin Dakota: "Oh, that's so three seasons ago. They don't do that anymore."

Anthony Ryan: "That's wonderful news! Bye now!"

Tim goes into the design room to deliver his "two-hours-for-hair-and-makeup" speech, but the room is empty:

Tim: "Oh, no. The Rapture must have happened. It's a Project Runway first!"

For once, that actually would have been a Project Runway first, but it turns out the designers are really just hiding in the sewing room. Tim tells them to hurry the hell up.

Cecilia stopped caring about her own garment long ago (and pretends that she can't find the dye), so she helps Julie glue her dress together. And Laura Kathleen has immunity so she helps Anya. Despite warnings to the contrary during her audition, Anya actually can get other people to do her sewing for her during the competition. Viktor thinks this is cheating, although there are no rules against designers helping each other.

The winner of this challenge will get a spread in Marie Claire and advertisements featured on New York City taxicabs. Joanna Coles, representing Marie Claire, is a guest judge. There is another guest judge, Kerry Washington, who I assume is representing the taxi companies, because that's the only explanation for the presence of a fifth judge.

Joshua made a red and gray color-blocked sheath. It's fine.
Bert made a little black dress. It's fine.
Olivier made pants with a weird vesty-top thingy. It's fine.
Anthony Ryan made a little puffy skirt and a print top. It's fine.
Becky made a print dress. You guessed it: it's fine.
Kimberly made a really nice look with a gold top and navy pants. It's not as earth-shatteringly amazing as the judges would have you believe, but it is really nice.
Cecilia made a tan and gray dress that is clearly the most retched thing on the runway this week.
Anya presented a cute jumpsuit. The judges are impressed with her sewing skills. Viktor almost pees himself.
Danielle made an awful apple-green chiffon blouse and black pants. Horrible.
Julie made what could have been a cute coat dress, had the execution not been such a disaster.
Bryce made a short gray jersey dress. It's not great.
Laura Kathleen made a green satin dress. She has immunity, so I won't go to all the trouble of having an opinion about it.
Viktor made a dramatic black suit/dress. I like it. The only complaint comes from Michael, who thinks it looks very current, and he wanted to see what Nina will be wearing next season.

Now for the segment of the show called Bert Gets Confused!:

Bert: "Well, I really think that gay Mormon kid has a shot of winning the whole thing."

I think Bert seems a little confused. Oh, right, now I understand why that's the name of the segment.

During the judging, the taxi woman is really unnecessary, but Joanna Coles manages to say some strange things. First, she complains about Julie's coat dress:

Joanna Coles: "Is it a coat? Is it a dress? Is it some sort of hybrid of the two?"

YES! IT'S A COAT DRESS! What is so confusing about that? Next, she complains about Danielle's top:

Joanna Coles: "That green chiffon top looks like something a housewife would wear in the kitchen to make acorn-squash puree for her children."

Other Eric: "What the hell is she talking about?"

Michael Kors: "I think what Joanna is trying to say is it looks like something Joan Crawford would wear to a Saint Patrick's Day party."

Other Eric: "Now, he knows his audience!"

Kimberly wins! I think that was the right choice.

Julie is out. OK, that was obviously the wrong choice.

Well, that's it. But before we go, we have an announcement from Lifetime Television:

Don't miss Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho on the hit Lifetime show Drop Dead Diva:

Kathy Griffin: "You're a bitch!"

Margaret Cho: "No, you're a bitch!"

Have you ever heard anything so hilarious and outrageous in all your life?

2011-08-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 3: Plus-size challenge!

We start the episode with Josh spending an eternity doing completely mysterious things to his hair, all the while complaining about how Fallene seems more interested in hair than in designing clothes:

Josh: "All she talks about is hair. I bet she hasn't even had grain training."

Grain training, for those of you who don't know, is that thing where you learn how to cut fabric pieces with the grain of the fabric so they don't go all wonky. You have to go to school for at least four years to learn how to do this. The only way to test out of this training is to be voted Miss Trinidad and Tobago.

Heidi comes out on stage wearing stilts. Then she appears on the catwalk to explain that there will be special stilt-walking models this week.

Me: Why do they need special models? If Heidi can do it, it can't be that hard to walk in those stilts?

Other Eric: "You'll notice we did not see Heidi step down on to the catwalk."

Ah, I missed that! Obviously, she was lifted with a crane and set down on the catwalk. OK, they probably need special models to do the real walking.

So, this is the dreaded plus-size challenge.

Heidi: "Your regular models are very small and they don't represent 'real women.' Most women are closer to ten feet tall, so this week you will be designing for them!"

Well, it's nice to finally get a real-world challenge. Designers never think about designing for the ten-foot-tall woman. For additional excitement, the designers are paired off:

Bert and Ernie, the squabbling comedy duo from our childhood.

Anthony Ryan and Laura Kathleen, a team with four first names and one testicle.

Joshua and Julie, a team with an unspecified number of testicles.

Danielle and Cecilia, a team I totally don't care about.

Anya and Olivier, the apparent dream-team of the challenge.

Bryce and Fallene, the apparent nightmare-team of the challenge.

and Kimberly and Becky, two designers who wouldn't be able to pick the other out of a police line-up.

Bert and Ernie immediately start one of their hilarious arguments:

Bert: "I think we should do Old Hollywood."

Ernie: "Yeah, like Mae West. Let's do pants."

Bert: "Mae West never wore pants. You are a complete moron and I'm not speaking to you anymore. Also, if you don't get your rubber duckie out of the bathtub, I'm going to set it on fire and then watch you cry."

Oh, those two always make me laugh. Unfortunately, after such a good start, things go downhill:

Ernie: "I'm thinking an Elizabethan look, with a little shapeless dress and a coat and pillbox hat all in matching pastel fabric."

Bert: "That's not Elizabethan! You're describing Queen Elizabeth the second! I can't work with someone who doesn't know one queen from another!"

Ernie: "Being around you has taught me more than I want to know about queens."

Bert: "One of these days, Ernie ..."

The other teams are not faring much better. Josh thinks Julie doesn't understand couture like he does. Kimberly and Becky both think the other is being too costumey. Danielle and Cecilia are arguing about, oh, who gives a crap. Anya and Olivier are getting along really well, but maybe too well:

Olivier: "This challenge is really about working together with your teammate. And I think Anya and I are working together really well."

Are you forgetting something?

Olivier: "I don't think so."

Are you supposed to be creating a garment for this challenge?

Olivier: "Oh, right. Well, we'll get to that, if we have time."

Meanwhile, the supposed nightmare team is managing to live up to all expectations:

Bryce: "You need to cut those pieces on the grain. Have you had grain training?"

Fallene: "No, I haven't had grain training."

Bryce: "O to the M to the G. I can't believe you haven't had grain training. Well, there's no way I can help you because it takes at least four years of training to cut a piece of fabric on the grain. So, you'll just have to cut out the pieces all wrong and then sew them up into a completely unusable garment. Seriously, I would totally show you how to do it but, obviously, I need to spend my time complaining about you to the other designers."

Fallene: "Of course. I completely understand."

Bryce: "Oh, my god, you guys! You are not going to believe this! Fallene has not had grain training!"

Josh: "You mean, like, she only had, like, two years of grain training?"

Bryce: "No! She didn't have ANY grain training at all!"

Josh: "That's impossible! You can't get your license to buy fabric until you've had at least some grain training. AND HOW DID SHE EVEN GET A PAIR OF SCISSORS?!!!"

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Designers, please gather 'round. It has come to my attention that one of you has not had grain training."

Fallene: "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such a big deal."

Tim: "Well, that's the point, Fallene. If you had had the training, you would understand. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to clean up your workspace."

Fallene is out. Sorry, Fallene. We'll miss you.

The designers head over to the first outdoor public runway in Project Runway history! It's a huge event, with a crowd of literally tens of people!

Heidi: "Welcome, everybody! I see someone brought me flowers. Seriously? Only one person? Well, never mind. Let's start the show!"

Josh and Julie created a blinged out matador costume. It was dramatic and seemed well made. It was not until I saw the other looks that I realized how bad the proportions were on this one. I can see how in theory you might think the cape-inspired sleeve would help balance out the extended leg, but in reality it just made the model's arms look shorter.

Bert and Ernie created the worst Queen Elizabeth costume ever:

Queen Elizabeth II: "Hated it. I wouldn't even force Camilla to wear that piece of crap."

Bryce made a stupid black tutu. And I'm sorry, but the little maroon bustier top would not have helped. It still would have been crazy boring.

Becky and Kimberly created a really great look with a beautifully tailored pant and jacket. The proportions were perfect. Yes, the collar was a little "Star Trek," but I can understand Becky wanting to add some dramatic detail.

Anya and Olivier made a super-boring purple print dress with an ugly chopped-up top. I did not get this look at all.

Cecelia and Danielle made a chiffon pant and top in brown and teal. I loved that color combination ... about seven years ago. Now it looks really dated and the overall look was very matronly. The judges, of course, think this color palette is just as fresh and exciting as it was last season, when it was used in the winning collection of She Who Must Not Be Named. I have to admit that I might have liked this better if the hair weren't so awful. It's hard to say, because I just couldn't ignore it, as hard as I tried. And, although I didn't love the look, I have to admit that it was very well made and the proportions were perfect.

Anthony and Laura made a red dress that was very good. I wasn't as in love with it as the judges were, but I can't really find anything to criticize about it, so I guess that makes it the winner.

Heidi: "Which one of you is responsible for this winning look?"

Anthony: "Well, I decided that Laura should get the win, which is a not-so-subtle way of saying that I'm really responsible for the look."

Heidi: "Great! Laura, you win!"

Anthony: "son of a bitch, I mean, I am so happy for her."

2011-08-05T18:38:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season 9, Episode 2: Off the Leash!

Joshua: "Yay, my favorite! The S&M challenge!"

Speaking of leashes, I would like to take this opportunity to remind all my readers not to put your pet chimpanzee on a leash. Apparently, it really pisses them off. And when they get pissed off, they take over the planet and enslave the human race. And who can afford to be enslaved in this economy? Seriously, if there is one thing we have learned from this latest debt-ceiling debate it's this: do not piss off the chimpanzees! Thank you. Now back to the show:

Well, Bert, you had a good run. We all knew it wouldn't last forever. How could it? You lived your life like a candle in the wind. You won the first challenge, the judges loved you, the audience loved you, your fellow designers loved you, the universe loved you. Obviously, the only thing to do in that situation is to completely give up:

Bert: "Well, back when I worked for Halston, that's how it was done."

Believe me, I get it. The 70s were crazy for me, too. I applied to grad school just to avoid being sent to Vietnam. I was only four years old, but I wasn't taking any chances. The point is, it's time to move on.

The designers head off to a pet store to pick out their S&M gear. This challenge is about using unconventional materials in creative ways, and not simply finding material that looks like fabric and making a normal dress. Tim reminds the designers not to be dumbasses:

Tim: "I can tell that some of you will be tempted to be dumbasses. So I'm going to be clear about this: don't be a dumbass!"

Bert: "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did he say to be a dumbass or NOT to be a dumbass."

Does it really make a difference?

Bert: "Probably not. I have immunity either way."

Anthony Ryan, who has two first names but only one testicle, is trying to stand apart from the other designers:

Anthony Ryan: "Everyone else went straight to the chimpanzee section, so I went in the opposite direction and got bird seed. That's the kind of badass thing you can expect from someone who's rocking one, like I am."

So, yes, most of the other designers are filling their baskets with ape bedding and Purina chimp chow. Becky, however, somehow wandered into a Michael's and ended up with silk flowers and scrapbooking supplies. What the hell was up with that?

Joshua (not super-gay Mormon Joshua, but excessively-gay non-Mormon Joshua) tells us he was raised in a theater:

Excessively-Gay Joshua: "My parents abandoned me in a theater as a baby and I was raised backstage by the actors. That's why my skin looks like this."

Oh, I was wondering about that.

So, then we get a bunch of scenes of people gluing crap onto muslin, and then a bunch of clips of the designers telling us how insane it is that everyone is gluing crap onto muslin, and then we're done.

The designers invade the Miss Clairol Hair and Makeup Studio, or whatever it's called, and make their usual demands: "glossy and flowy," "bendy and bouncy," "flowery and flaccid," "sophisticated yet outdated," "modern elderly chic," "Make her look like Courtney Love, but not as classy," etc.

Then it's on to the runway. The guest judge is someone I've never heard of, so she's obviously nobody important. I really don't think most of the designers brought it this week. Most of the looks were just OK. There was one clear loser:

Bert: "Does my garment meet the challenge? Not even close. How much effort did I put into it? None. Is it a horrible, tacky mess? You bet. But the important thing is that I have immunity."

Julie's woven paper dress is not good. Bryce's handkerchief dress is terrible. The two dresses with woven material stuck onto them are not great. Becky's dress is fine, but it's made out of silk flowers and doesn't have anything to do with a pet store. Fallene's skirt fabric, made out of orange fish-tank plants, is pretty, but the overall look is not good. Laura's cardboard skirt was dreadful, but at least she knew enough not to send her model out naked.

Josh, however, just makes Nina sigh. Nina's sighs are like when doves cry; you have no idea what it means, but you know it's not good. He's out.

Still, all those horrible looks were better than the suggestion from the guest judge:

Unknown Guest Judge: "You should have made a ball gown covered with stuffed cat toys."

OK, I understand her desire for a little drama, after seeing that dull group of dresses, but that was a very tacky and unoriginal idea.

The judges just barely keep Bryce, complaining about having to see so many terrible napkin dresses over the years:

Michael: "I have been sitting in this chair for such a long time. My butt cheeks are completely numb. Seriously, I don't know if I can even stand up anymore. I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about."

There were a few looks that didn't completely suck. Victor at least did a good job transforming his pee-pads, although the design was boring. Danielle's look was nice, but I don't know if it was a very creative use of materials (and it also looked really familiar).

Two looks were actually really good! Olivier made a dog-bed top that looked like it came right off a Paris runway. However, we have to deduct a few points because it is basically fabric. The skirt, made out of hamster bedding, was good. The overall silhouette was definitely the most fashionable look of the evening. I can understand why he won.

Nina: "It's very EDITORIAL! You could photograph it and put it in a MAGAZINE!"

Whatever, Nina. But making a great look was only part of the challenge. The main part of the challenge was finding the most creative use of pet-store materials. And for that, you have to give it up for Anthony Ryan, who, despite coming very close to being a complete douchebag, was still able to make a beautiful little dress from birdseed. Yes, the design of the dress was not exciting, but the birdseed looked beautiful! It was my favorite, and Heidi agrees:

Heidi: "It comes down the age-old question: hamster bedding or birdseed?"

Michael: "Exactly. It reminds me of what my grandmother used to say: 'Get that goat out of my bedroom!'"

2011-07-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Project Runway Season Nine: Project Runway and Deathly Hallows, Part Two! (Warning: there are absolutely no Harry Potter spoilers ahead)

Eric Three Thousand is brought to you this week by Hebrew National hotdogs:

God: "OMFG, they're kosher!"

Thank you, God. OK, so we left off last time with our young hero, Mondo, watching helplessly as the master of the Dark Arts, Michael Kors, violently murdered our trusted mentor, Professor Tim Gunn, by throwing him off the roof of the Atlas Apartments. This leaves Heidi and Nina to search for the horcrux:

Nina: "I most certainly am not wasting my time searching for some horcrux."

Heidi: "Oh, come on, Nina, horcrux is delicious! It's so refreshing served over ice."

Nina: "You're thinking of horchata."

Heidi: "Oh, right. Can we search for some of that?"

Nina: "Sure. Just let me grab my purse."

OK, so remember how season eight of Project Runway NEVER HAPPENED? Good. I think we're all on the same page. So we start this season with the casting special, featuring the last winner of Project Runway, Seth Aaron! That's right, he's the last winner of Project Runway, because season eight NEVER HAPPENED! Got it? Don't make me say it again!

Seth Aaron: "I'm self-taught, so I really like the self-taught designers, because they're self-taught, and since I'm self-taught, I'm really intrigued by self-taughtedness."

Whatever. Can you at least find some people who know how to sew.

Seth Aaron: "Absolutely. We are only going to be selecting people who have at least two months of sewing experience."

Good. OK, so the casting show is really not very exciting. Tim tells us he's going to show us a bunch of "comic relief" and then doesn't. For some reason, there are way too many menswear designers on the show.

Designer: "My menswear would translate really well into womenswear. All you have to do is take my menswear and change it into womenswear. See? It's just that simple."

Then why didn't you do that and bring some womenswear into the audition?

Designer: "Because it's not that simple."

Tim tells us about the importance of diversity in selecting the final group of designers:

Tim: "And by diversity, what I really mean is that all the designers should be Mormon."

Fun fact #1: Most Mormons dream of being fashion designers.

Fun fact #2: All Mormons are gay.

On to the first episode: This will be a very short recap because I haven't bothered to learn the designers' names and not much happened. Tim wakes up the designers at five in the morning for a come-as-you-are challenge. They have to create looks using only their pajamas, one cotton-poly bed-sheet, and apparently unlimited quantities of lace and feathers. Then we have a runway full of perfectly adequate clothing. Nothing very exciting. Christina Ricci is the guest judge. Burt won. Five people went home. Technically, four designers didn't even make it to the first challenge, but the point is five people were sent home in the first episode. And that's basically what happened. It maybe wasn't such a strong start to the season, but I think it will get better.

Tim: "Enjoy one of the top ten seasons of Project Runway ever!"

Yeah, well, I hope we get to learn a little about the models this season:

Heidi: "One model is a Gemini and one model is from Italy."

OK, slow down. Waaay too much information. I said I wanted to learn a little bit about the models, not get their whole life story! Geez!

Anyway, Rafael, Serena, Gunnar, and two other people went home:

Serena: "I postponed my wedding in Iceland for this. Oh, well. I could only do this once, but I can fly to Iceland any time."

Bjork: "Oh, no you can't."

Why would you say that, Bjork?

Bjork: "Because I'm quirky and adorable and I say silly things."

Aww, she's so cute!

Bjork: "Also, the volcanos will kill you."

I think that's Greenland.

Bjork: "No one cares."

2011-02-21T18:26:00.000-08:00

Eric Three Thousand on Hiatus!

I'm afraid I have to take a break from blogging for a little while so I can concentrate on my new job. I want to thank all of you for reading and I will try to come back for the highly-anticipated 87th season of Project Runway!

2011-01-28T18:28:00.000-08:00

The Fashion Show Season Two, Finale: Well, that was mildly disappointing.

Can we just pretend that didn't happen? Can we all just agree that the season really ended last week with that really great fashion show from Dominique and Calvin? It was such a high note on which to end.

No? We actually have to acknowledge that anticlimactic finale? Alright, fine.

So, Iman tells the designers they have one week and a few thousand dollars, give or take, to create a nine-piece final collection. Then she sends them off to work.

After a few days, Iman and Isaac travel around to check on the designers' progress:

Iman: "Isaac, what kind of car is this? This is the biggest, ugliest limo I have ever seen!"

Isaac: "This is a public bus. Some people don't have drivers so they use these to get around the city."

Iman: "Poor people are so clever."

OK, so they didn't really do home visits. Instead, they give the designers one last twist at the end of the week: they have to create a tenth look. Each designer is asked to do something specific with his or her tenth look, apparently based on what the judges think has been lacking in their work.

Dominique is asked to make a business look, Calvin is asked to make pants, and Jeffrey is asked to make another boring dress:

Iman: "Yes, but a boring STRAPLESS dress. I have a specific event I need it for. AND I NEED IT RIGHT AWAY!"

The three designers are then paired up with their former lovers, who were previously eliminated from the show:

Jeffrey: "OH, MY GOD, CINDY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

Get a room, you two!

On to the boring runway shows. I was really expecting so much more after last week. But we got mostly standard "wearable" clothes.

Calvin's collection wasn't bad. I don't know what else to say about it.

Dominique's was the best of the three, in my opinion. But it still wasn't as interesting as I was hoping for from her. Her show production was good. She had a few good looks and only two big mistakes. Her weird final look could have been fine, if it had had anything to do with the rest of the collection. But it just looked out of place. Her other mistake was her businesswoman look. What business is that woman supposed to be in? Did she invent Post-it notes?

Jeffrey put me to sleep, as usual. At the beginning of the season, I thought he would be a little more experimental. He talked about making unisex clothing, but I don't think he knows what unisex means. Wearing women's clothes doesn't make them unisex. His tenth look is dull, dull, dull. The judges love it. He wins. Congratulations, Jeffrey.

Anyway, I was rooting for Dominique throughout the competition and I still think she had the best final collection, but all three collections were pretty disappointing, so I don't really care who won.

Isaac: "Tune in next season, which is scheduled to air sometime between really soon and never!"

2011-01-19T16:17:00.000-08:00

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Nine: Elements of an overused challenge!

Ricky Gervais: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. I'd like to introduce Isaac Mizrahi. Mel Gibson just told me Isaac is Jewish. He's obsessed!"

Isaac: "Thank you, Ricky. That joke was was as shocking and new as Michael Kors' Spring collection."

Ricky: "And now please welcome America's sweetheart: Iman! Iman just told me that she hates poor people because they smell bad."

Iman: "That's actually true. I totally said that."

This week is the completely uninspiring challenge of being inspired by the elements. They will be using earth, water, and air as inspiration:

Fire: "What am I, chopped liver?"

Sorry. Fire is so last season.

Fire: "You do not want to mess with me!"

The designers go out on a boat. They have to catch as many fish as possible to use in the challenge:

Calvin: "Yes! This challenge is going to be a hot Calvin Tran-y mess!"

It sure is! The designers are split into teams of two, creating collections of six looks. The fashion-house concept is back and it finally works. Two people is apparently a small enough team to cooperate and make a cohesive collection. And six looks are just barely enough to qualify as a small collection. So, yeah, I thought we got two good collections this week. But that doesn't mean the concept worked for the entire show. In fact, the two fashion houses are completely meaningless, since the designers kept moving around. I think Dominique is the only one to stay in the same house throughout the competition.

Anyway, as usual, nothing interesting happens and then suddenly there is a runway show.

Cesar and Jeffrey make a collection of pretty blue flowing dresses based on water, which is totally obvious and boring:

Cesar: "But they are pretty."

YES, THEY ARE PRETTY! SO PRETTY I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL!

Seriously, Cesar's draped dress is beautiful and probably the best thing he's done all season, but the collection on the whole is so boring I just don't care.

Jeffrey also made some nice boring dresses and topped it off with a ridiculous giant vintage tiara that looked so out of place it was hilarious:

Nina Garcia: "The model looked like Miss Guatemala."

Yeah, I totally get why he picked it. I'm sure ever since he was a little girl he's dreamed of being in the Miss America pageant and getting to parade around in the sash and tiara. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, and he just didn't consider what it would look like on the runway.

Calvin and Dominique put on the best show of the season. I thought it was dramatic and mesmerizing. It evoked nature and earthiness instead of giving us the predictable literal translation of water. I loved the collection more than the individual pieces, which I think is fine. It was an avant-garde show that provoked an emotional response. It felt modern and exciting, even if all the clothes weren't wearable.

A few pieces could definitely be translated into ready-to-wear. The judges really liked Calvin's camel coat and Dominique's shorts look with a voluminous white top. And it was impressive how those two looks complemented each other so perfectly, while clearly being the work of the individual designers.

The looks the judges didn't like were Dominique's droopy, shapeless white dress covered by a droopy, shapeless white caftan. It definitely looked under-designed, although I thought it worked alright with the feel of the show. They also didn't like Calvin's "pregnancy" look. The skirt was nice and the top was certainly strange and dramatic and worked with the collection, but the judges found it contrived. I can't disagree with them on that, although I still thought it was interesting. It's a look that would need to be toned WAY down for ready-to-wear and I didn't like the silhouette as much as I liked Dominique's hunchback dress last week, but I didn't hate it:

Isaac: "I didn't hate it, either. I didn't like it enough to hate it."

huh?

Isaac: "You know when you like something so much you hate it?"

not really

Isaac: "Well, it's kind of like when you hate something so much you like it. But the opposite."

Oh. Now I know what you mean.

So, in a shocking turn of events, the judges give the win to the interesting collection, instead of the pretty collection that would look good on Iman!

Eric and Eric: "Yay!"

Iman: "Calvin and Dominique, I would not be caught dead in any of your clothes. And yet, you are going to the finals. Congratulations! Here, have a car."

Then, as if that weren't enough, there is an exciting bonus challenge! Jeffrey and Cesar compete in a sew-off to see which one can fix his worst look. Cesar manages to make his look slightly better but Jeffrey actually manages to make his mess look really good. Jeffrey wins!

So Cesar joins Eduardo as another early favorite who will not make it to the final. Calvin, Dominique, and Jeffrey are the final three.

Tune is next week when this all mercifully ends!

2011-01-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

The Fashion Show Season Two Episode Eight: Accessories to the crime!

The designers meet Iman at some cool vintage fashion shop, where Simon Doonan passes out quirky accessories that will inspire looks for this week's collections:

Simon Doonan: "Without eccentricity, fashion is just clothing."

Iman: "And without clothing, eccentricity is just nakedness."

Wow. That is so deep. You are totally blowing my mind.

We return to the completely pointless fashion-house premise, with Cesar and Jeffrey making a four-look "collection" for House of Emerald, and Dominique, Calvin, and Eduardo creating a six-look collection for House of Nami. I'm sorry, but four looks just really doesn't make a collection:

Isaac: "It does if you make them all one color!"

Oh, right. I forgot. If dresses are all the same color, then they magically become a collection.

Isaac: "Well, you know the old saying: if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it's probably Penelope Cruz!"

That is not ... oh, forget it.

Not much drama this week. Calvin was so awful during the last challenge that the producers had to give him the requisite "humanizing" treatment this week. But I don't think anything could humanize him:

Calvin: "My partner is dying."

Shit. They did it. How am I supposed to call him a big old bitch after he tells us that?

Calvin: "Also, I plan to give every cent of my hypothetical winnings to charity."

That would be very generous if he had any chance of winning, which he doesn't.

First up is House of Nami. I think they messed up with the styling. If they had styled the models in a more consistent way, it could have made the collection look a little more cohesive.

Dominique was the only designer who met the challenge this week. She created two eccentric designs inspired by the accessories she was given. So, obviously, she's up for elimination. She made a pig coat, which was cute, but not nearly as fascinating as she found it. She really loves saying "pig coat":

Dominique: "Pig coat! I'm in love with my pig coat! Have you ever heard such beautiful words? Say it loud and there's music playing! Say it soft and it's almost like praying."

Yeah, great. Anyway, her other look was pure genius. I loved the idea of attaching the bustle at the shoulder. She really was inspired by her accessory to create an eccentric, avant-garde silhouette. The geisha makeup was a mistake.

None of the other designers did anything interesting with their accessories. They just made pretty but fairly ordinary dresses and stuck their accessories on them.

Eduardo had a big hat and a silver belt and he stuck them on a couple of decent black outfits. Calvin had gloves and a ruff, which he could have done something really interesting with, but didn't.

Eduardo is out. I'm surprised but I don't mind. I was as sick of his ruffled dresses as the judges were. Calvin is safe. Isn't it fortunate the producers humanized him just in time for that decision?

House of Emerald wins the challenge because they used the same fabric for all four dresses. Yawn.

Cesar made two nice ivory dresses. The only eccentric thing was an exaggerated shoulder. His bird headpiece and flower pin were used as they were originally intended and didn't seem to inspire anything. He wanted to use some color, but both Isaac and Jeffrey talked him out of it.

Jeffrey's accessories were cool merry-go-round earrings and a Dior feather capelet. I hated the dress with the capelet because it was so bland it almost disappeared. He wanted to create looks that blended into the background so that the accessories would be featured. But that really wasn't the point of the challenge. His dress for the earrings was better; in fact, it was beautiful. But it was no more eccentric than the other one. Jeffrey wins, which I don't mind too much because he should have won last week instead of Dominique.

Iman: "Eduardo, it must be so hard to be eliminated this close to the finale. I don't really know what it's like to be a loser, but I would imagine it sucks. Oh, and Dominique, if you say 'pig coat' one more time, I'm going to punch you in the nuts."

2011-01-05T13:05:00.000-08:00

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Seven: Bridal Fail!

Really? You're still reading this? Does that mean you are still watching the show? So, you're the one! Well, good for you! Some people might call you stubborn, but not me. I say you're courageous and principled. You aren't going to stop watching a show just because it's boring. You are a true hero and the world could use more people like you!

This week the fashion-house structure falls apart, as I predicted it would. You really can't build an entire show around an element that will only last a few episodes. This week the designers are split into three teams of two to design wedding outfits.

Let's meet the people getting married:

Dominique and Jeffrey will be working with Bill and his three lovely brides, Trudy, Camilla, and Ruth.

Cesar and Eduardo will be working with 87-year-old Joshua and his lovely 12-year-old bride Samantha. Joshua bought Samantha from her parents for 18 cows, which is a pretty good price!

Lastly, Calvin and Cindy will be working with James, who is marrying his lovely pet goat, Louise.

Cindy: "Oh, thank goodness! At first I thought it was a male goat, and that would have been weird."

Actually, Cindy does have a problem with her clients:

Cindy: "Polygamy and arranged marriages with children are such traditional forms of marriage. But I have to admit I'm a little old fashioned and it will take me a while to get used to the idea of creating a wedding dress for a goat."

Don't worry, Cindy! I'm just joking! Those aren't the real clients! Dominique and Jeffrey are really working with a female couple, Cesar and Eduardo and also working with a female couple, and Calvin and Cindy are working with a male couple:

Cindy: "Two boys? Who want to get married? That's just silly! Am I being Punk'd? Where's Alan Funt?"

Yes, Cindy, sometimes two men can fall in love. They are called homosexuals:

Cindy: "Really? This is the first I've heard of it. Well, if it makes them happy, I guess it's fine with me."

As strange as Cindy's reaction is, Calvin's treatment of his clients is even weirder:

Calvin: "You're fat. Fat people can only wear black. I don't know anything about traditional Korean clothes!"

Client: "That's why I'm trying to explain to you what traditional Korean clothes look like."

Calvin: "I can't hear what you are saying because you are too fat. If you want me to make you clothes, I will make you clothes. But don't try to tell me what to do."

Client: "I DON'T want you to make me clothes!"

Calvin: "Why would you come into my shop demanding a Calvin Tran original if you don't want me to make your clothes?!"

Client: "When I agreed to this, I had no idea I would be working with a total psychopath!"

Calvin: "Well, too bad, fatty!"

Cindy: "Calvin, I think you are being a little rude. Just because our clients are totally disgusting and obese doesn't mean you can yell at them."

Oh, my god. If this challenge is to work successfully with a client, there is no way Calvin can't be eliminated, right?

Cindy: "Maybe if I create the worst garment anyone has ever seen, the judges will have an excuse to keep Calvin."

I really doubt you could make anything that bad.

There are basically two story lines going on in the design room this week, neither one entertaining in any way. The first is Dominique's ridiculous pining for David:

Dominique: "This wedding challenge was created specifically to torment me!"

The second is Calvin's verbal abuse of his client, which is really painful to watch. I know the producers want drama and controversy, but turning someone's wedding into an unpleasant experience is inexcusable.

The runway show was actually quite good. The guest judges were Rachel Zoe and Johnny Weir, both of whom are fun to see, though the guest judges never have much to do on this show.

The two lesbian couples looked great! Dominique and Jeffrey create really simple and flattering linen looks for a casual beach ceremony:

Isaac: "My only complaint is that you could find these looks in any lesbian bridal shop."

Well, whatever. The looks are perfect for this challenge and Dominique wins. Congratulations, Dominique!

Cesar and Eduardo created two fun looks that made their clients very happy. They could have been a little more wedding-y, but at least they were flattering.

Calvin and Cindy were a disaster. Calvin created his version of a Japanese kimono that had nothing to do with the Korean robe his client wanted. Surely nothing can be worse than Calvin's relationship to his client.

Unfortunately, Cindy really pulled out all the stops. She actually managed to create the worst garment I've ever seen. In fairness, she couldn't have done it without Calvin's "help." I think it looked better before he came to the "rescue" and reconstructed the entire jacket at the last minute. They should have just left it unbuttoned. Anyway, I think the judges had a legitimate excuse to get rid of Cindy. Calvin will have another week to advertise his business to women who hate themselves.

Iman is almost in tears as she hugs Cindy goodbye and tells her how talented she is. No one is more surprised than Isaac:

Isaac: "My Queen, you appear to be displaying human emotions and it's, frankly, a little frightening. I think you should return to the Mother Ship and spend some time in your regeneration pod."

2010-12-25T10:05:00.000-08:00

Eric Three Thousand's 2010 Holiday letter: the inspiring true story of how

I survived the year, based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

As many of you know, I lost my job at the beginning of the year. So I’ve spent 2010 trying to figure out what to do. My first idea was to star in a reality series in which I would drag my family around Alaska on hiking and fishing trips, pointing at bears, and saying “wow” a lot. Well, it turns out there was already a similar show in production. Apparently, some other unemployed person with no marketable skills beat me to it!

So, in this tough job market I realized that being an art historian might not be obscure enough. I needed something else to add to my resume. It got me thinking. You know when you’re on a plane and the flight attendant makes an announcement over the intercom about needing someone with a particular skill for an emergency situation? Something like, “Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just received a carton of correspondence, news clippings, broadsides, and annotated faculty senate reports, all concerning campus unrest during the Vietnam War era. We’re not sure how to proceed. Is there an archivist on board?” Well, the next time that happens I’m going to be prepared. In August I passed the exam to become a Certified Archivist! Now the world is just a little bit more secure. You’re welcome.

Next, I decided to get back to studying French with Rosetta Stone. The only problem is the voice-recognition software, which doesn’t seem to like my high, whispery voice. I’ve set it for “adolescent boy” but it still has trouble understanding me. I’m sure the neighbors are wondering why I’m screaming all the time. “TROIS! TROIS! I SAID TROIS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” Here are some useful phrases I’ve learned:

“Excuse me. Is this a pharmacy?”

“No, this is a bookstore.”

This is helpful if you are in France and you have trouble telling the difference between pharmacies and bookstores.

“Excuse me. I need a new television.”

“Why do you need a new television?”

“I need a new television because my old television is broken.”

This is helpful if you are in France and happen to run into the world’s dumbest salesperson.

“Excuse me. I need inexpensive plates so my family can eat in the park. Do you recommend plates made out of wood, metal, or paper?”

“Get out of my shop, you weirdo.”

As you can see, I spent most of the year studying. But I did have time for some hobbies. Watching television counts as a hobby, right? I do love television. When we lost the HGTV network right in the middle of an episode of House Hunters International, I nearly died. I sat despondent on the sofa for three days wondering if I would ever learn the fate of that nice couple looking for a home in Tuscany. Fortunately, we finally got it back. And it turns out they picked house number three. Seriously? House number three? I give that marriage six months.

I also continued blogging about Project Runway and this year I hit a huge milestone: the stat counter on my blog finally reached one hundred thousand visitors! You’re probably thinking, “That’s it? You didn’t hit a million?” Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the best I could do! I can’t wait for a million visitors. I don’t have that long to live. Seventy or eighty more years, tops. And by the end I’ll probably just be a brain hooked up to electrodes floating in a jar of saline solution and blogging will be a distant memory. So I’m going to celebrate whatever milestones I can.

A new hobby I’ve taken up this year is cooking. We started receiving weekly boxes of organic produce and I have to cook every night just to keep from being buried alive in vegetables. Of course, because most of the produce is local, the selection changes with the seasons and sometimes we get a lot of one thing. I think if the Other Eric sees one more leaf of Swiss chard he’s going to have a nervous breakdown. Poor thing.

In other news, I finally got an iPhone. Now my life is completely Mac-based. Resistance is futile. The main difference with my new phone is that I can now move beyond monosyllabic texts. Anyone who used to text me will be familiar with my rambling responses, such as, “ok” or in really extreme situations, “cool.” But now I have a QWERTY keyboard and can send complete sentences, like, “Do you think they sell wooden picnic plates at the bookstore?” or “Why did I bring a broken television with me to France?”

Well, that was my year. I don’t know if you noticed, but my letter was in 2.5-D this year. I couldn’t afford the full 3-D. I don’t know exactly what the extra half D is, but I can tell you that it will give you fuller, longer, darker lashes in just six weeks. Happy holidays!

Love,

Eric Three Thousand

2010-12-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Five or Six or Whatever.

Eric Three Thousand, reporting from Burbank, where it has been raining steadily for forty days and forty nights. The San Fernando Valley has completely filled up with water and my house is currently floating down Cahuenga Boulevard toward Universal Studios. Fortunately, I was able to gather two of every Project Runway bobblehead doll and special edition Barbie so they will be able to procreate and carry on the species.

So, I'm sorry I didn't write a recap last week, but I have a really good excuse: I just didn't feel like it. All you need to know is that it was a boring-ass episode with a bunch of ugly-ass dresses. The models were from some show called The Real Housewives, or something like that. It must be new, because I've never heard of it. Has anyone seen this show? It sounds awful. Golnessa was sent home.

The recap this week will be very short because Other Eric erased the episode before I had a chance to take notes and I'm also finding it hard to type because my house keeps bobbing up and down in the water and it's really starting to pick up speed.

Anyway, this week the designers went to a train station in New Jersey because there are no train stations in Manhattan. They rummage through all the junk in the lost-and-found room, where they find umbrellas, bed sheets, and Rachel Zoe's entire spring line for the Home Shopping Network.

David and Cesar switch teams:

David: "I just want to be clear that 'switching teams' in this context refers to me moving to the House of Emerald. I still love vaginas."

They have one day to turn this trash into even worse trash. Instead of Isaac, Laura Brown does the consultations, in a failed attempt to shake things up:

Laura Brown: "Never use orange, because orange doesn't look good on me, and all clothes should be designed to look good on me."

Cesar: "racist."

In the design room, David is getting jealous because Dominique is flirting shamelessly with all the other gay guys:

David: "I thought our painfully dysfunctional relationship was exclusive."

Meanwhile, Calvin is doing his best to keep the show entertaining, while Cesar is just becoming more pompous every week.

House of Nami shows a decent mostly-black collection. It's not great, but it doesn't suck. The concept of the "weekend getaway" TO Manhattan from the suburbs is a little weird. Not that it doesn't happen; it's just not a great concept for a collection.

House of Emerald did a safari theme for a getaway to the Hamptons, which was a better concept but resulted in a horrible collection. Cindy made an awful white dress that was cinched in at the knee, making it impossible for the model to walk. She wanted to make a dress that would make a woman look helpless and immobile while she stands at a bar:

Iman: "BUT HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE BAR?! MOST WOMEN ARE NOT CARRIED AROUND IN A SEDAN CHAIR, LIKE I AM!"

Apparently the judges really hated everything, even though it really wasn't any worse than any other week:

Iman: "THE DESIGNS THIS WEEK ARE A DISGRACE! THEY MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. BUT THEN I THOUGHT, NO, THAT IS RIDICULOUS! I CAN'T KILL MYSELF! IT WOULD BE UNFAIR TO DENY THE WORLD THE GLORY OF IMAN. NO, THE ONLY SENSIBLE THING WOULD BE TO KILL ALL OF YOU! WELL, THE LAWYERS SAY I CAN'T DO THAT. SO HERE WE ARE, WITH ALL OF YOU STILL ALIVE TO ASSAULT MY SENSES."

Reluctantly, Iman announces that House of Nami is the winning team, which isn't surprising, since it was clearly the winning team:

Iman: "I WASN'T GOING TO PICK A WINNER AT ALL, BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME I HAD TO. THAT'S RIGHT, SOMEONE TOLD IMAN WHAT TO DO! THAT PERSON HAD A LITTLE 'ACCIDENT' AND IS RECOVERING IN THE HOSPITAL."

Dominique is the winner of the challenge and picks immunity over the $500, which is sensible. She chooses Calvin as the weak link on the team. Cesar says he doesn't want him on his team, either. David is out.

Calvin: "Dominique stabbed me in the back. Cesar threw me under the bus. Isaac wrote me out of his will. Daniel Franco punched me in the nuts. And my mother just called to tell me I'm a disappointment. I guess the only thing I can do is laugh like a mental patient."