ericbrownspeaksout

Looking for a New Relationship – A Mercedes Mechanic | ericbrownspeaksout

2014-08-04T00:00:00.001-07:00

Looking for a New Relationship – A Mercedes Mechanic | ericbrownspeaksout

Sleeping Beauty and the rules Disney plants that shape our lives

2014-05-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

Images and events as a child impact our thinking for much of our lives. Our personal interpretation of events can shape the way we interact, empowering us or hampering us as we pursue goals, chase dreams and engage life.

As a child, personal events certainly helped to shape my life. When I was young, and my family was visiting my grandma Brown, I would give her a kiss on the cheek. She said to me, just between us, that those kisses would keep her here forever. Not three days later, she died. For years, I felt I had killed her by not providing enough kisses. Only years later, with horror and an understanding heart, did my parents realize my childish interpretation and attempt to correct the perspective. Yet, even today, I chide myself as to whether I have done enough to help either a person, an event, a cause, or a community.

Similarly, beyond events, things we watch and enjoy as family, also help to shape our place in the world, providing guidance and ideas that might help us in our quests. I have found that many of my most basic rules for business, choosing a home, or the way to face the world come from movies from Disney.

From the Jungle Book, there is “Bare Necessities” which instructed me to forget about my worry and my strife. And, I carry an inordinate amount of worry at times, yet seem to thrive under it. From Mary Poppins, who doesn’t consider a spoonful of sugar to help medicine go down when we have colds? Heck, Mary Poppins makes every chore fun! And, of course, deadlines certainly would not have significance were it not for Cinderella.

Yet, as a child, there is one movie which taught me more about protection, defense, developing strategy, while planting seeds of heroism, fighting the good fight, and working hard to rescue those less fortunate would be “Sleeping Beauty”.

On May 30, 2014, the new “Sleeping Beauty” called "Maleficent" will be released. I know that it will rise or fall based on whether I find those same rules inherently supported. You ask what those rules? Let me share.

Rule 1. You are safer when you live discreetly, with a guard, a gate, and a maze between you and unknown danger.

Rule 2. Be wary of danger but always speak to turn away death.

Rule 3. Dreams are seldom what they seem. And, so to, are people. Those who are what they seem are few and far between and are to be cherished.

Rule 4. There are those who look human who are truly dragons of evil.

Rule 5. Avoid sewing machines. It could cost you your life.

Rule 6. There is always someone who is willing to fight for you, someone who will break down the gates of hell to reach you. You just might not know who that person is, yet. But, that doesn't mean you should go to hell to find out.

Rule 7. As you age, always be nice to those who dote on you. For they are the ones who look out for you, love you, and encourage you, no matter your choices or destiny. They are also the ones who magically can change the world for you.

Rule 8. Be good to faeries.

Disney has a few rules to live up to with this new release and interpretation of “Sleeping Beauty”. Evil is always evil but sometimes it is good to be able to sympathize with how evil is created so as to understand why forgiveness is so important.

I hope you are as excited to see the new “Sleeping Beauty”. In my home, “Once upon a Dream” has been sung for decades. And, the new haunting version has regularly been played from Youtube for many months now since its original release.

What rules have you held close from childhood? And, where did you find the rule?

Reduce Apathy, Stupidity, and Pathetic Results! Vote.

2014-04-21T14:53:00.003-07:00

For nearly 25 years, I have been stunned by those who spew "stupid" rather than consider the impact their "facts" have on the greater community. I have contributed thousands of hours over the last 25 years serving communities to improve the plight of others, whether they be living with HIV, beginning a small business, needing housing, finding work, finding a safe place to sleep, or simply needing hope.

Yet, the one thing that always perturbs me are not those who find themselves in need, but those in the community who can not be bothered to exercise their most basic right - Voting. They can spew their fatalism, their hopelessness, or demonstrate their laziness by not making it a priority, but voting establishes priority for issues. It establishes whether businesses get tax cuts or people receive housing options. It can mean the difference between providing places to play and learn for those who need these options in the public arena or no access at all to the internet age. Governance determines whether you have at work protections improving or decreasing. Hate inequality? If you do, voting is one way you can change its impact.

Make a real difference for your community.

Tuesday, June 3 – Be Significant. Make a difference for you and your community. In the 2010 primary, the turn out in San Diego District 3 was a disappointing 27%. If you ever get tired of politics and stupidity in politics, can you wonder why it is so boring? Yep, because not very many people bother to make it exciting. If the primary had an 80% engagement rate, can you imagine the discourse our community would have? The communication would become amazingly clear.

Please take a more active role in supporting an engaged community. Please ask your friends, family and our community to register before May 19.

Since many of you are online nearly all the time, take five minutes right now.

You can register at http://registertovote.ca.gov. In fact, stop right now and click here.
Ignore your alarms on Facebook or the notifications from Grindr.
Do not answer your Outlook.
I know this may be stressful, but go to the bottom and press the register to vote button.
You will need your basic information like your California driver license or California identification card number, the last four digits of your social security number and your date of birth.
Complete your registration. (I suggest you consider a permanent mail in ballot selection)

Already registered now? Make sure you vote.
Wait! I bet with the demands on your time you need voting to be made really simple, right? Vote by mail like I do. Simply request a mail ballot by May 27 and vote by mail.

It's as easy as 1-2-3-4:
1. Go to the Registrar of Voter's website (in San Diego, click here)
2. Download the application (click on Public Notices)
3. Fill out the application and mail it in
4. When your ballot arrives, vote at home!

Dates to Remember
Monday, May 19: Last day to register to vote
Tuesday, May 27: Last day to request a mail ballot
Saturday, May 31: Weekend voting at the Registrar of Voters, 8 am to 5 pm
Tuesday, June 3: Primary Election Day

Come Dine Out for Life with Eric Brown

2014-04-17T14:48:00.002-07:00

Don't miss The Center's 8th Annual Dining Out for Life® San Diego! On Thursday, April 24, 2014, more than 80 participating restaurants, bars, coffeehouses and nightclubs in San Diego will donate a minimum of 25% of sales for The Center's HIV/AIDS services and prevention programs. Delicious, right?

Grab your family and friends and join me by making plans to Dine Out and Fight AIDS for breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, cocktails and more on Thursday, April 24! Here is where I will be feasting. You are welcome to join me!

Lunch: The Mission - North Park DONATING 100%!
2801 University Ave, San Diego, CA 92104
619.220.8992

I will be going to The Mission at 1:30pm for lunch. There are no reservations accepted but we can enjoy each other’s company while we wait for a table and fabulous food!

Dinner: Bice San Diego, 425 Island Ave, San Diego, CA 92101 619.239.2623

I have set reservations for 8 at 7pm. If you would like to join our group (so far it is four in attendance), please give me a call at 619 818 0502 or email me at newlifensd@gmail.com.

Breakfast: Adams Avenue Grill DONATING 50%! April 25
2201 Adams Avenue, San Diego, CA 92116
619.298.8440

Adams Avenue Grill was already booked Thursday for breakfast. So, we decided on breakfast on the 25^th. Come join us at 8:30am! They will be participating through April 27^th we can visit through the weekend.

If Love has no time limit, does Grief?

2014-04-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

It has nearly been 9 months since that evening in August when family and friends watched as Carleton passed from this realm. In the months since, I have stayed busy, moving from issue to issue, task upon task, addressing event after event.

For the first four months, it was difficult to have more than one thought, one focus at a time. Grief brought a volcanic eruption of emotion that covers every inch of life within the bounds of existence. Yet, Time provides the benefit of distance from that moment when Death's door opens and Love stolen away. Events require attention, people attempt to connect, and important skills begin to surface once again as Life cajoles me to move forward. At times, Life has a way of reminding you that Time has not stopped for anyone, it is just being less demanding at the moment.

In the last nine months, I have felt a plethora of emotions. I would say that it would be easier to list the emotions I have not felt, but I could not list one. As with any intimate loss, what may be most jarring is the emptiness. Living in those moments when you do not remember the last smile, the last time you kissed, the last time you were held, the last time you fought. The first few months were confusing how overwhelming my emotions were to feel and yet be able to breathe. Time has provided new abilities to constrain those emotions, cooling them. Yet, after any volcanic eruption of severe magnitude, it is easy to move forward and enter a moment that catches you unaware. Those moments feel as if you break through the newly formed floor back into the searing magma of emotions, if only for minutes.

For me, the first few months my body simply needed to recover. My skin tone returned from gray to flush. By month four, I had regained a semblance of my normal sleep cycle. By month five, I felt pretty strong, emotionally and at peace with all that had occurred in 2013. Yet, it was in months seven and eight that I have had surprises.

With my new emotional landscape calming, I began to look outward. Yet, it seems with every television program, every aspect of life, each observation of others, I am reminded that I have lost something that my heart and mind desperately wants to regain. Spring has come and with it new experiences and surprises.

I visited Celia at her home in Palm Springs. It was warm and the second day there, in the early morning, I threw off the comforter that covered me. In that moment, it seemed, the smallest bit of my brain which had either not been paying attention or had merely been lulled into the past raised an alarm. The weight of comforters was enough to convince some part of my being that Carleton was still with me. And, the act of throwing the comforter off, that weight jarred a part of my sense of self and triggered that small place of denial into great panic and grief. It was as if I had not grieved at all. That small portion of my brain or self was just now starting to grieve the way the rest of me had grieved for months. It was ready to create another eruption of emotion.

What could I do? It has been over 6 months since Carleton had died. But, here I was again in the midst of grief almost as intense as the weeks following his death. On the drive back home, the grief was so intense that as I cried, I even gripped my hand closed as if I was holding Carleton’s hand, I missed him so much. Because, we would have been holding hands on the drive home.

Now, of course, my practical side begins flaring in alarm. It is only expected that in the first few months’ people have to give someone in grief “space” to address their loss. But, what about after the first 6 months? Good grief! Did I need medication? Is this normal? This must be a little excessive to feel this intensity of grief again! Grief should be on a schedule just like anything else. I think I could allow it some hours next Tuesday. Would that work? All these questions, judgments and fears came rushing to the front. I feel pretty confident that those who grieve do worry about a time limit for grief imposed by others. And, worry too, about our own imposing when we feel a need to verbalize our grief.

What I realized over the course of the next two weeks was that a part of me simply had refused to participate in the generalized “group grief” the majority of my brain and heart had experienced over the last 6 months. This small part that was deep inside had simply found a way to avoid Carleton’s death. It clung to the weight of a comforter to prove it was simply a nightmare and was awaiting the finish of the dream. It had become numb to the overwhelming immediacy of the loss and the passing of Carleton’s death. It had hidden from reality and had chosen to hibernate. The lifting of the comforter was truly surprising and wrenching. That action had ripped away the comfort which had been provided to a small amount of my hibernating memory. Its responsive grief was volcanic.

As this part of me began to erupt in grief, another part of me was exasperated with the entire grief process. And, if I was feeling exasperated, I began to worry that those who care about me most were exasperated with my grieving, too. Worse, I became concerned that those who simply knew I had recently had this tragic loss would be thinking “get over it already”.

I attempted to force the grief out, down, back, whatever I could to “get back on track”. Yet, the more I attempted to control how I felt, the less in control I felt. How was I to manage these volcanic eruptions?

Ultimately, that is the process of grief. Grief is. It is the sister of Loss. And, the reality is that Grief is going to be as loud as the pain of our Loss. It seems that when Love passes through the Door of Death, Loss and Grief arrive. They are never welcome nor expect to be welcomed. Yet, Loss allows us to “see” our lost Love while Grief communicates the impact. These twin sisters are a poor replacement for Love but the only ones allowed. They are treasured and scorned by our Memory. And frankly, Time does not control or have the ability to minimize Grief or Loss. Time merely provides an avenue to create distance from these two Sisters.

As I arrived at this understanding, I begin to breathe again. Approaching Grief and Loss like a sister is a concept I can appreciate. I have a great sister. And, like my sister, Grief and Loss can be unpredictable. Allowing space and time to allow healing when rifts occur makes absolute sense. They must be handled with care, avoided at times, faced at times, visited at times, and definitely not taken for granted. There will be times they require attention and some of those times will be at unexpected moments, moments that may be quite painful to experience.

But, hopefully, as in the case of my sister, these twin replacements for Love, perhaps, can find a place of peace in my Heart. Grief and Loss will always be a part of me because they reside where Love once lived. And, Love, being eternal, had a place for eternity in my heart. Like my sister, they will always be in my thoughts, unlikely ever to be forgotten. And, like my sister, perhaps we can exist without another seismic eruption to disturb the landscape for a great time to come.

Dining Out for Life San Diego, April 24th

2014-04-12T18:09:00.002-07:00

Would you join me on April 24th and set aside breakfast, lunch and dinner out with friends? Please participate in Dining Out for Life San Diego.

Grandma always said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And, look at all the wonderful restaurants who are participating in Dining Out for Life on Thursday, April 24, who agree!

Adams Avenue Grill, Babycakes, Barrio Star, Bread and Cie, Café 21 - Downtown, Café 21 - University Heights, Crest Café, Fig Tree Café - Hillcrest, Filter Coffee House - Hillcrest, Harvey Milk’s American Diner, Great Maple, Hash House A Go Go, Hill Street Café, Lil B's, Parkhouse Eatery, Snooze, an A.M. Eatery, The Mission - Mission Beach, The Mission - North Park, The Mission - SOMA, and Urban Mo's. For the complete list of participating restaurants beyond breakfast, you can access the list here..

I have it on good authority that when you participate in fundraising events, calories simply don't count. That means you, and your friends can dine out for breakfast, lunch and dinner and raise funds to help those with HIV while you help fight HIV in San Diego! Please consider inviting at least two people to join you!

The work the San Diego LGBT Community Center, and other organizations, does is important for those who are living with HIV. And, I hope you will appreciate how important it is to me that we provide HIV support services for the community.
The last three years, Carleton and I participated in this great event. No matter how we felt, it was important that we join with the community. We chose Hash House A Go Go twice before moving on to another great restaurant.

This year, I look forward to starting a new tradition with breakfast somewhere! Will you join me? Let's decide on breakfast and then after work we can conclude at Hash House a Go Go. Hit me up here or on Facebook and let's schedule where and when to have breakfast.

Please participate. Oh, and if you are someone who manages other people, or are a business owner, what a great opportunity to take your staff out to lunch and impact the community while you nourish those who work with you!

This is one event where you never really know who you are impacting and how important participating is to those who you know.

So, plan to treat yourself and a couple friends to breakfast, lunch and dinner for a cause. Believe me, I urge you just this once to splurge.

Opening Day at the Padres

2014-03-28T10:09:00.002-07:00

Sunday is Opening Day of the new season for Padres baseball.

For me, it is a reminder that Carleton is gone. The only professional sports shirt I have is a Padres one. Carleton gave it to me. The only sports shirt I have a picture of is one in which Carleton and I are going to the game. I know he would expect me to be there whether he could go or not. I will be wearing his jersey.

I have hosted events with friends at the Padres and will do it again this year. I can't wait to enjoy a game with Dora, Sue and Mary Jo. See you at the game, Dora!

I will be heading to the game on Sunday to enjoy the Opening Day at the Padres and the East Village Association Block Party on the street next to Petco Park. I will be there around 2pm. I hope you will come down and enjoy the festivities. And, if you have one of the sold out tickets, come inside and join me as we "root root root for the Padres."

And, this year, let's hope the Padres do great. Because everyone knows that there is only "One, two, three strikes, you're out, in the ol' ball game."

Returning to a Pastoral Role - Public Speaking

2014-03-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I served as a Pastor in Portland. I attended the Potter's House for over 11 years. I actively participated in serving those who were in attendance. In the last few years of that service, I was asked to be one of the Pastors there and regularly brought the message.

Some can only imagine the growth that occurred in me at that time. Others will likely assume the teachings were insightful if not engaging, and at times humorous or seen from a not so normal perspective.

In the years since, I have participated in church activities after my service there, but more usually, I look at issues, study them, dig deep, and sometimes, a pastor who I have known asks me to speak on a difficult topic which he or she feels uncomfortable addressing.

I have addressed LGBT congregations on sex, forgiveness, grief, and other topics of import. But, the last few years, I simply have worked in other areas.

Today, I am travelling to Northern California to an ACCS Weekend for a group called Allies of Christian Churches. ACC (Allies of Christian Churches) along with Celebration Of Faith, is hosting their annual Dynamic ACC West Conference this year, 2014. This event will take place March 28 thru 30 at the Wonder Valley Resort just outside of Fresno, CA.

Pastor David Harvey asked me to speak on a topic of my choosing. Rather than a religious topic, I decided to bring a workshop on decision making. The role of decision making, tools to make better decisions, and the way to more successful pursue the goals, passions, and purpose in the life you crave.

I am excited to once again share insight into a topic that I feel so many need to understand more deeply. I am even more excited to start a new journey of public speaking on topics to inform, educate and challenge others to take a more active role in their own lives, whatever the area of it they want to influence.

Family Red Alerts

2014-03-13T12:05:00.003-07:00

My mother has adopted specific technology to communicate and support her values. Over time, she has implemented a subtle but clear way of communicating to her children. During times of calm, it is expected that we will call her to touch base after work hours normally. This rule was never one that was discussed. I simply learned several things about my Mom growing up and as a young adult that I continue to follow in the present.

Originally, I thought she was the first super hero. Like Batman, you dialed and she answered. Swiftly we learned that if it was not an emergency, do not call her at work. The term "Emergency" was quickly defined as well.

As a teenager and young adult, I began to think perhaps that Mom did not know how to use a phone outside of work. Perhaps she de-skilled after 5pm or that her phone at home had no numerical buttons to press. What took 20 years to appreciate was that while she loves us, she chooses not to intervene without express permission. Considering her children and their highly opinionated thought processes, it certainly explains why we consider her the wisest of people.

Her patient exercise of not calling us has developed its own rewards. We call and call often with good news, great news and sometimes bad. We share stories, make her laugh, ask for input, hope for encouragement, listen to her plans, listen for ideas, make sure she continues to be as vibrant as she has been. She may be tired, eating dinner, knitting, or throwing the ball to Mandy, but she answers. I have learned that when she does not know what to say, due to the emotional nature of the call, the best and most valued word she could utter is "wow". I realized over the last three years that it spells "MoM" upside down. I concluded what better word could one express?

In return, we listen to stories about Mandy, her springer spaniel, along with updates of other siblings and cousins, the beauty of the backyard, who will get the next Christmas stocking, when will Christmas cookies be baked, and perhaps a story from her past. We determine visiting times at the house, prepare for to do lists, and ultimately, become reassured that she is well, will be among us a long time, and when the Earth shakes, we can still be comforted.

Facebook is not our chosen way communicate. I am quite simply too political at times in some of my posts with friends at times too racy for her consumption.  For her, Facebook is for keeping track of my cousins, reading notes of silliness, and finding old friends. Phone calls remain generally useful for inbound calls and to arrange Mandy's grooming.

Over the last three years, she has adopted e-mails as an effective and useful tool for sharing a few of her general thoughts and general updates of good news about family. She normally uses e-mail to forward something from one of the family to update the siblings. She will choose this mode to share a proud achievement, a recipe, or a notice of when Christmas cookies will be delivered to all cousins and family.

Three years ago, I began to notice that Mom had adopted e-mail to inform the three siblings whenever bad news reached her about someone we know or should remember.  At first, I was surprised at this change in communication. For before Dad's death, Dad was tasked with giving bad news not Mom. I remember being just 16 when I got such a call from Dad while I was in Brazil about a friend from Hermiston, my age, who had suddenly died. That call in 1986 became the format for 25 years of phone calls bearing bad news and death. In was so consistent, that we would joke about it in a perverse way for Dad would start those conversations all the same.

I realized that Mom had chosen a different communication style for such bad news, and without discussion, had implemented it for herself.  After a few such instances, I began to tease Mom. The teasing was more a response to my uncomfortable feelings that she did not use the same tactics my Dad had used. Perhaps, also, because it was a form that did not provide quite as much information to me without action on my part.

In the middle of last year, as Carleton's health began to rapidly fail, when I was hardly sleeping, an e-mail from Mom arrived. I opened it. In it was a message of grave concern from Mom to me. Upon its completion, I realized how worried my mother was for me, for my situation, for my care of myself, and my choices regarding helping Carleton.

With care, she pleaded that I seek help for Carleton's care. She challenged me with her observations that I was essentially providing hospice care which no one person could do. She called me out on my Superman tendencies (funny, since she is Batman). She shared personal stories of her own hospice experiences with her own Mom and the terrible costs it had to her. She communicated her thoughts, her worry, and yet still did not command, did not intervene, she kept the choices mine. Then, I recieved a call from my brother, who admitted having been in a call with Mom. Mom certainly knows how to get her thoughts across and how to back them up with her own personal lobby.

Last November through e-mail sent by Mom, I learned that my Aunt Edie, matriarch in absence, was headed into comfort care. She had lost recollection of many of my family years ago due to Alzheimer's. Comfort care simply meant her body was at last at an end and they would keep her comfortable as her spirit moved from this plain into heaven.

And, in the same e-mail, another elder of my family was being placed in the hospice support system. Uncle George, or as I had come to consider him, Eternal Man, the Patriarch of the Brown side of the family, the gentlest and perhaps one of the wisest, and certainly the most loved, had been fighting lymphoma. Uncle George had been part of a daring duo, a duo admired by many in our family, that included his ever energetic wife (and my amazing) Aunt Lauretta. I mostly expected Jesus to return to Earth and Uncle George would be here to greet Him.

After several more updates through e-mail, I finally and directly asked my mom about her choice of e-mail to communicate bad news, news of illness and death, and the sharing of personal stories to encourage and cajole. I was curious why she had chosen this form of communication rather than the phone or some other method. Her response was telling and direct. She enjoyed sharing good news with each of her children individually, with our varied responses to that news, where no conflict is expected. Yet, she found that repeating bad news, or revealing personal information, is something she does not like to do, especially three times, especially to her three children, children with great capacities for emotion. Likely, also, three children who can sagely consider what to say but often times will say what comes to mind first. It is her way of providing information that we may or may not want, but that she felt compelled to provide. Yet, it allows us time to gather ourselves, our thoughts, and prepare for interaction.

E-mail, while it does not allow for instant emotional connection does allow her to carefully write her words, consider how we, as children, will respond to the message while providing her the time to get the words on paper as she manages her own emotions. After all, to reach all of us in a timely manner, e-mail is likely most direct since one child lives in a different hemisphere on an unconnected continent and she is never certain how the news will be received and what we will be doing at the time. It is her amazing solution which allows her to remain true to her non-interventionist values while bearing the news she would be expected to provide.

Her reasoning went further. At the point we receive the e-mail, we can do with the information what we will do. Mostly, I have learned, I call back upon receipt of such e-mail to see how Mom is feeling, to glean additional information, and to discuss what steps she will take and how I can assist. I am certain each of us calls her. It is not a question for me. Sometimes, it simply takes us time to respond but Mom.

I have learned, that Mom is patient for the response, unwilling to intervene, expecting that if we need to talk, she will be available simply waiting to be Mom.

The Pontiff's Principles of Purpose for People of Faith

2014-02-24T18:18:00.002-08:00

On February 24^th, news broke of the words shared by the Pope to the new addition of 19 new Cardinals to the College of Cardinals. I am not catholic nor feel it necessary to research the diversity selection or how each will influence the future of this organization. I do care to share a brief moment on words attributed to the Pope which sparked some time of reflection.

The Catholic Sun mentioned in the February 24, 2014 publication several portions of his message to the College of Cardinals. “We love, therefore, those who are hostile to us; we bless those who speak ill of us; we greet with a smile those who may not deserve it,” he said. “We do not aim to assert ourselves; we oppose arrogance with meekness; we forget the humiliations that we have endured.”

Of course there were other words, other values, other messages he verbalized in his message, but those words of value were the values of essential service to others. These words become focus for all those who follow the Christian faith or aspire to tenants of peace. These values are certainly not for the weak of heart or those who wish to avoid disappointment. Nor are these tenants valuable to any who prefer to focus on values of power and wealth. Truly, these expressed tenants fly in the face, at times, of current thought and the easier paths of retribution, hostility, war, or even influence and popularity.

Personally, it is good to remember that my best efforts in pursuing these tenants may fall short. In my case, at times it seems too often. Fortunately, with acknowledgment and repentance, these values provide a metric of true maturity without condemnation. They become a beacon of how far I must continue to grow. They do not measure failure, they provide a guide post of success.

It is good to be reminded of values that bring forth peace. Certainly these goals, spoken by the current Pope, define my ideal of Christian engagement. Yet, when used as a measure, reminds and humbles me of how far I must continue to grow to achieve its tenants.

These tenants remind me of how imperfect I am and how difficult the road. Yet without judgment, these tenants continue to encourage me to pursue them, with patience and perseverance. The benefits of their pursuit include Forgiveness, Peace, Hope, and certainly Love.

After so many strident words from various Christian quarters in the last 25 years, it is good to hear words of admonishment from the Pontiff. While other parts of his message may cause me pause or concern, it is good to find portions where I can find common ground. And, in that common ground can grow another value, Hope.

Dylan Farrow Matters Today

2014-02-02T15:26:00.002-08:00

I was perusing through news on the internet and was drawn to Huffington Post, as usual. As I was reading, I ran across an article about recent controversy over the nomination of Woody Allen for his work during his lifetime.

I have not seen much, if any, of Woody Allen's work. Growing up, it became clear that my mother had no care to see his work. I simply thought it might have been due to his style, focus, or flair. Today, after reading Dylan Farrow's letter, perhaps that was not the only reason for my mom's avoidance of his work.

As I began to read the letter from Dylan Farrow, I vaguely remembered from growing up a case that involved Woody Allen. Dylan Farrow was girlfriend, Mia Farrow's daughter.

Dylan Farrow has written an open letter about her time spent with Woody Allen. She addressed the experience vividly. She expressed her frustration, her current emotions, and her regrets.

As I read through the letter, I identified with Dylan. I am often skeptical about those who mention they were sexually abused. Sometimes, for me, it does not ring true. And, certainly, in our society, I have seen the overwhelming assumption of guilt leveled at the accused without consideration that something may be amiss.

I am not skeptical in this case. I have learned over time that those who have experienced sexual abuse have many of the same issues, feelings, and perspectives. While some find peace, others do not. Some forgive, like me, and some wrestle the remainder of their lives with what the predator did.

There, I stated it, subtlety. Yes, I was sexual abused. Not just once. Not by just one. And, it was over a period of years. Two separate individuals separated by a three year break over a course of 11 years.

Reading Dylan's letter brought me smack dab into those memories I carefully keep quiet. The attempt to avoid and hide. Check. The acknowledgement of the predator's skills. Check. The ability to hide from a watchful mother. Check. The feelings of guilt that we did not later pursue and hinder our predator's potential abuse of others. Check. The terror of being intimate or close to another male. Check. The failed strategies that developed to manage fear and emotions. Check. The immediate sense of revulsion when others even casually discuss the topic. Check.

These were all the same feelings. There were only two differences between Dylan and me. I kept secrets that Dylan ultimately did not.

Likewise, I am relieved to have a mother who when she learned about those events from others believed me. She blamed herself when I knew she could never have known. She worried about me, not herself, first. Dylan and I have great Moms. I have siblings, like Dylan, who when faced with the same information, believed me.

It is the entire story of Dylan that makes me believe her story. For it resonates wholly with my own. It is not that someone can describe what happened for anyone can conjure those actions. It is the consistency within the myriad of emotions which confirm or deny for me the gravity of sexual assault/abuse.

The similarities are striking. The only difference I see between Dylan and myself is that I determined to forgive those who harmed me and move forward. Through counseling and my faith based on wholeness, I succeeded in overcoming the damage done by my predators. For it is not sex that predators damage, it is they take, by force, ourselves, our power, our confidence, our choice. And there is little physical, and tangible, evidence of their crime. So, I felt there was little recourse or benefit to pursue any legal action when I finally was old enough, and willing, to address the issue.

Dylan, as an adult, seeks justice in a court of peers where Woody Allen could face justice. I can only hope that Hollywood is in session to preside over the proceedings. Consider this my "friend of the court" brief supporting Dylan. I could not have offered "proof" of the sexual abuse in my own case. It is likely that Dylan has only memories as a child to offer as proof as well.

Dylan asked in her open letter what my favorite Woody Allen film was. I am so glad I can say I don't know one. I for one, like my Mom, likely will never watch a Woody Allen movie.

A Great Offer to create a Profitable Professional yet Personable Point

2014-01-29T12:53:00.002-08:00

I ran across a great deal for professionals within the GSDBA this month. With branding the buzz in businesses in January and February, what better way to improve your branding than with a photo by a professional photographer. Stop using your I-phone or webcam. You can't make your brand explode into profits like Kaleb can. http://www.kalebscottphotographs.com/index.html

So, he will work a great deal for you. Buy one, get one for free. Yet, he works to make both photos you get to use wherever you would like as long as you like with the professionalism and skills only he can provide. He will simply bring out the fabulousity in you!

His number is at the bottom of the blog. This financial advisor is certainly taking him up on the offer. But, then again, I know a great investment when I see one.

New Year - New You - Let’s Go!

GSDBA 2014 New Year’s Special

Runs thru February 28th

5 Reasons For A New Headshot
1) You’ve changed, show the world.
2) Your headshot makes a lasting impression.
3) Keeping up with modern tends shows you’re current.
4) Change your look for different media.
5) You’re Awesome and you deserve it!

Offer includes:

2 Headshots for the price of 1

• Outdoor location shoot (Urban - Little Italy or Nature - Balboa Park)
• 2 backgrounds and 2 outfits
• Pro post-production including editing, color-correction, cropping & retouching
• Includes "best of" proofs for you to choose 2 favorites for retouching
• Images emailed to you in both print & internet sizes

$150 (plus tax)

Kaleb at 619-917-9737

kaleb@kalebscottphotographs.com

http://www.kalebscottphotographs.com/index.html

No one is ever too sick to be seen. Unless they are dead.

2014-01-27T13:49:00.004-08:00

Today I learned that a friend was denied the opportunity to say goodbye to a friend who was dying. The family had chosen that no visitors were allowed to see the failing person. Defending a person's dignity is certainly admirable. That is certainly the right of any family. Yet, in that denial of a last goodbye, a last hug, a shared tear, it is rarely considered how important that could be to the one dying or the one who continues to live.

I would like people to consider the grief that others face. I feel strongly that it is important whether related or not, that all are welcome to reconcile or say good bye before the possibility has passed. Turning away others in the face of death is not helpful. It hinders those who will face a similar grief, yet without the last words from the one who brings the grief.

In my own life, I have been turned away because I was not family. I was not important enough to say goodbye to someone I considered quite close. It was a terrible blow not to be able to say goodbye to someone who had introduced me to an entire new path before me. And, it was awful not to be able to comfort or hug a person who I cherished.

Last Saturday, I chose to attend a memorial of a friend. People asked how I knew him or his partner. I was able to share the impact the person we were honoring had impacted my life. No one truly knows the impact of another unless they inquire. I am glad I was invited to attend and meet other grieved attendees.

Choices are important when fighting disease. At the beginning of a diagnosis, it is natural to choose to fight. It galvanizes you to manage all sorts of impacts that will occur. It is as the energy is robbed from you and life may feel like it is slipping away when additional choices must be considered. Those choices are ones both the person fighting and dying must choose as well as those closest to them.

After over a year of fighting disease, I begged Carleton a year before his death that if he was my partner, he had adopted some of my values. Those values include the idea that when facing disease and death, we fight. And when we can no longer fight for our lives, we do not simply give up. We choose to surrender. Giving up suggests that the only being of importance is you. Surrendering means you understand the value of others. Knowing that grief can be overwhelming, the focus of surrender is on negotiating for everyone else affected by your passing.

As I was losing Carleton to his tumors, I determined that each person who wanted to say goodbye would be allowed. There were so many complicated life events in his life that it was important as his protector that everyone has the chance for reconciliation. Even if the visit was short, Carleton chose not to turn anyone away.

As Carleton Cannon faced the reality that he would die, he asked me to reach out to others and call them to him. He never gave up his fight; he simply began to choose to surrender. We felt part of the surrender meant that he fought to help everyone who was to live negotiate their own grief through his death.

When we surrender, it means we change our focus from fighting for ourselves and focus on ways to fight for others. We surrender our lives and we turn to empower others. Carleton, as he understood he would lose, promptly turned to express his love for his parents, his brother, his family, and his friends. He understood how deeply grieved people would be in his family. He was as anguished about their grief as much as facing his own death. And, through his anguish, and his pain, he communicated as much love, encouragement, and hope as he could for anyone who entered the room.

On his last day, he reached out with his last breath to comfort and console his friends and family, through a myriad of pain killers and continuing pain. He reminded friends of memories to cherish. He told family how he felt about them. He did not withhold an opinion. Three times on the last day, he made his mother promise to make sure they had enough food at the Memorial Service. He focused on others in his last few hours.

He was tired of worrying about himself, he had surrendered. He willingly helped others in the best way he knew to prepare them for their journey of grief; a struggle through which he would not be available to comfort or console.

No Matter How Terrible the Experience, Perspective Can Provide Gifts. Goodbye 2013.

2013-12-31T21:21:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 2013. On this last day of 2013, I am spending time reflecting on a year of loss, leadership, and limits. 2013 was a year that tested my health, my resources, my love, my wisdom, my values, my loyalty, my willingness to lead, care, comfort, and make decisions that impacted others.

Over the last few months, as I have grieved the loss of Carleton while pushing forward to meet the needs of others in other areas of my life, I have begun to appreciate not just how awful 2013 was, or how terrible, or how painful.

I recognize that distance can improve your perspective. As the distance from the day Carleton died, or that I was required to pursue actions at GSDBA to change its direction, or as I recovered from a health study started the year before that left me physically exhausted, I have found the opportunity to identify things that were provided to me within those terrible events.

In the events which impacted me most in 2013, whether it was with Carleton or in my grief, as I served as Chair of GSDBA, as a Financial Advisor, or faced my own personal health challenges, I discovered friends. I found friends willing to come alongside me, who chose to listen, to help, to share the burdens I accepted. They, at times, watched or encouraged, visited me or consoled me. They gave me a counsel or a hug. Some simply were patient while others were sympathetic and forgiving. Friends are those who are understanding and become willing to participate whether they are asked or simply choose to interact.

My family, clients, and friends demonstrated wisdom by reminding me to care for myself, to grieve, to be patient, and to do only what I am able to do. They demonstrated their love and affection for me. And, in grief, it is sometimes very hard to remember that people love you. My friends, even when I felt alone or stayed in my residence to grieve alone, founds way to remind me of their care.

Friends sent notes, e-mails, lunch, even some sent a cleaning service care package. Yes, this year was brutal to my emotions, but it also demonstrated truth and character. 2013 became a year that tested my mettle, challenged my heart, demanded my answers to the toughest of situations, based solely on the values and understanding I have gleaned throughout my life from my Faith, my Experience, and the Investment of Others.

I had the opportunity to be the person responsible for Carleton's care. I became his advocate. I chose to spend time to prepare myself and Carleton for the possibility of his loss in his fight for his health. I gained not just the honor of his belief in my as his choice for his "pit-bull" of care, but I took seriously what it could mean. And, ultimately, on his last day, he left to me his last wishes and decisions, and I believe it was the right decision.

It is terrible to be the one who is faced with making the ultimate decision for someone you love. Yet, I did not turn from it. And, ultimately, I was proud that I was witness to his pursuit of surrender and making his passing easier for others as his own life was passing. His courage was a gift to see.

It is that kind of terrible moment that I was blessed to feel relevant to Carleton. In Carleton's life, my beliefs and my values were tested. And, ultimately, though in grief, in pain, exhausted and at times overwhelmed, those beliefs and values supported Carleton and me. Trust Love (and God), Faith, Hope, Forgive Completely, Truth, Acceptance, Consideration for Others, Love without fear, Comfort, Loyalty. Those values in practice throughout 2013 demonstrated values worth keeping.

While I faced grief, Carleton gave me more. Carleton loved me with his entire being. His most awful grief was that he could not be with me longer. His anger raged at times, but his total pursuit of forgiveness and resolution overwhelmed any harm. Reflecting on things he said and did continue to amaze me as to his devotion and love for me. I have come to appreciate his love more only after his loss. My lack of understanding or appreciating its depth is perhaps the greatest regret I have.

2013 tested the extent of my ability to work with others, serve others, manage a multitude of issues, demands and continue to stay true to my own core values. Carleton could have become an excuse to retreat from other areas of my life. I chose not to do so.

My service to clients and my volunteer work at GSDBA became harder in 2013. With an opportunity to lead GSDBA, issues arose that demanded skills taught by others. I worked to unite people toward mutually developed goals. I gained the opportunity to lead decision makers to identify new processes. I introduced systems which exposed challenges. Ultimately, I had the opportunity to help leaders in GSDBA make critical and important decisions for the future of the organization and the LGBT Community.

Some of those decisions would have a personal cost. Yet, in reflecting on this year, that cost paled in comparison the the confidence that the decisions were right, appropriate, and would lead to a stronger organization and community. Once again, terrible demands tested and confirmed the values, concerns, and passions I pursued. Keeping the organization, or the community, ahead of one's own interest, ultimately is a core belief of mine that I continue to practice.

So, 2013 was a year of pain, hardship, loss, grief, and challenge. I am comforted in the reflection that those experiences produced evidence that I have valuable, loyal and cherished friends, beliefs and values worth keeping, and abilities that continue to be useful in service to others professionally, individually, or in the community.

2013 was a year that tested me thoroughly and I am not ashamed with how I responded to its challenges. I hope peace and joy for your 2014. And, that should challenges arise, you will find friends, discover your wisdom, and stand strong.

Hello 2014. I hope for few challenges and a time for me to refresh and renew. And, to serve those I choose to serve professionally. May 2014 be productive and profitable where 2013 was terrible and demanding.

Planning Christmas 2013

2013-12-15T22:17:00.001-08:00

I have decided to spend Christmas in San Diego. One reason was not to be the "Debbie Downer" at someone else's Christmas. Another reason was restart a postponed tradition when I was single. To invite Christmas Orphans, like me, to dinner. This year, at Harvey Milk's Diner at 1:00pm Christmas Day. Let me know if you would like to join me. So far, there are two of us going.

I will visit Mom for a few days before Christmas in Portland. Appreciate the colder climate. See friends in Portland over the weekend before Christmas. I hope to spend time with friends in Palm Springs after Christmas. But, on Christmas, for the most part, I will be content to enjoy the Christmas Cookies mom is sending with those who stop by or while I am practicing and reacquainting my fingers with my instrument..

I have planned to set aside two hours to open the violin case and begin to practice music that I put aside for the last three years. I plan on spend two hours on Christmas practicing and reconnecting with the 20 years of violin playing I used to do. It was something I never did when Carleton was around. And, he was disappointed I only played for him once. He did not appreciate that I needed to practice in private. For, I am a slight perfectionist at some things. And, to perform, one must practice, alone. Yet, it is a choice regret I took to heart. I will not put it off any longer. I hope to become better prepared to perform when someone simply wishes it.

So, practicing old tunes. And, recreating a reformatted tradition. Christmas is a present you can give to family or to others without family. This year, I hope to have my own full table, at Harvey Milk’s Diner, with those who wish to share it with me. Feel free to come along. But, whether you plan to spend Christmas with family or friends, or alone. Be sure not to spend the entire day by yourself. Spend at least a couple hours with others. Or, you simply can spend that time with me, over dinner, at a diner.

A Reflection on Christmas Past

2013-12-15T22:10:00.003-08:00

When my mother makes a stocking, she does it for those she loves, or their friends because her family asks. They are wonderful. This year she made 12 stockings before she left to see my brother in Australia. They are intricate, personal and amazingly special for each person who is given one. Everyone I know who has received one compares the one they received to the ones she makes. But, we all know we would never give up the one we have.

When my mother makes a Stocking for someone, that person then begins to hope they will be joining her Christmas Cookie List. I know when I think of my Christmas stocking that her Christmas Cookie Package must be on its way. Her Christmas Cookies have travelled all over the world to reach relatives and family. If her Christmas cookies aren't her expression of affection and love, I have no idea what is. I am looking forward to seeing mom for a few days before Christmas and to spend Christmas Eve with her before she takes me to the airport.

A year ago, Carleton and I went to my Mom’s in Portland to celebrate Christmas. Carleton simply wanted to be in Portland for Christmas. But, I had asked if Mom would make a Christmas stocking for Carleton. She accepted the task willingly.

When we arrived, Mom had it ready to present. There had been murmurs amongst my siblings regarding where Carleton’s Stocking would be hung. Mom surprised all. My Mom is always practical. But, sometimes practical makes others emotional. It was a moment when we both felt part of my family. My mother placed it in the place where Dad's stocking used to hang. She was simply being practical, but to Carleton, she was recognizing him as my family.

I so appreciated the gift mom gave Carleton and me. Carleton loved the stocking and was so proud of it. Before he could hang it, he insisted on a picture with it. Mom made sure he carried it with him to bring back to San Diego. It iscarefully packed away with our Christmas things.

Now, as I consider going through the Christmas boxes, which to date, remain boxed in the closet, I worry and consider what I will do when I stumble upon that stocking. It has now become a talisman. A cherished memory of love that will evoke its own emotions when I discover it. I am prepared to remember, to tear, sob, and grieve. I am just not sure it will be this year. I just am not focused on Joy this Christmas. Though, I do appreciate the Peace that was brought to Earth for which so many worship and celebrate on Christmas Day.

This year, I hope you will spend time with those you love most, and cherish them. Last Christmas was a dear gift for me. I hope you will keep Carleton's Family in your thoughts. I cannot imagine a Christmas without a Child, but please remember that many face that reality this Christmas.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.”
― Alice Morse Earle

Enjoy each present with whom you share Christmas. Life would be harder if you were to have to live with regrets instead of those you love. So, make memories. For it will be memories and people who help me through this Christmas.

The First Post Carleton Thanksgiving

2013-12-15T21:40:00.002-08:00

People said that the holidays would be tough. I thought I was prepared. Thanksgiving came. And, starting at Rite Aid, when I couldn't remember what I was missing, and then realizing it was Carleton, I thought that would be it. Just over 90 days, and my brain had just realized that Carleton wasn't going to be calling my cell phone on a holiday. Nor, would he be travelling with me to a family event.

It wasn't rocket science but it was still a realization that hurt. The loss became just a bit bigger than it had been just two days before.

I had a 2 and a half hour trip to extended family that ended up becoming four hours. Four hours with each radio station playing songs about missing family or programs about grace and family tradition. By hour three, as I hit the Ventura Freeway on my way to Thousand Oaks, my eyes were filled with tear, my chest was grieving, and I was driving at 81 miles in thick traffic. And, yes, there was no Kleenex.

The next episode came quickly when my next thoughts were the realizations that I hadn't seen these relatives since before Carleton's passing. It was going be a heavy weekend. And, it was. Thanksgiving started the emptiness of losing Carleton again, because where we spent time, or how we spent it apart was remembered. I kept waiting, subconsciously for him to call my cell. It was only a few days later that I realized it.

Thankfully, after the extensive drive, I arrived at Kathy's home where 30 people were engaged in stories and smiles. I was greeted at the door by my cousin, Arlene who rushed to the bathroom to refresh, then directed me to the wine tasting (I call it communion), and Dinner was soon to start.

I had specifically come to enjoy the pies made by Kristin and loved how Kathy could whip up dinner! I am so glad that I spent Thanksgiving with the Appleton Family and the Le Febre's. It was a wonderful event. And, they cared for me greatly. And, Aunt Barbara, who lost Uncle Tom just four years ago, kept me in her sights, and after all was done, asked the questions I needed to hear, to know that I was not the only one who grieves and that it can be very overwhelmingly painful. And, it can take awhile, and be sporadically unnerving. It was a relief and then an outpouring from us both ensued. But, the connection in loss had me feeling that loss anew, as if my brain was feeling it again for the first time. Perhaps, only my heart had been doing the grieving since August, but now my Brain could no longer deny the reality.

In anticipation of the holiday misery, Celia had offered her Palm Springs abode to me for the rest of the Weekend. On Friday, I left Aunt Barbara's home and drove to Palm Springs to become reclusive, work through the emotions, and watch sci-fi marathons alone. No one needs to see me fall apart or work at putting me back together. Sometimes grief just means you need to grieve alone. And, sometimes, you do need to be around people who love you.

By Sunday, I was ready to head back to life, work, and appreciate that the First After Carleton Thanksgiving was complete. Emotions were felt, loss too, but I had pulled through, to move forward through the process. And, truly thanksful for all of those who helped me through this year.

My Thanksgiving List 2013

2013-11-28T09:47:00.000-08:00

My Thanksgiving List

I am thankful that I am alive. Honestly, in 2013, at times, that has been enough. Truthfully, 2013 has certainly provided me the opportunity to feel nearly every emotion possible in the human spectrum.

In no particular order, I thought it important to state what, or more importantly, whom I am thankful. Yet, with the danger of making any list, forgetfulness and absentmindedness are factors, feel free to suggest additions to my list of individuals, events, or things for which I am thankful. Not everyone will be listed, due to constraints of time, memory, perception, and length.

The condensed version: Mom, Marc & Cindy, Extended relatives, Celia & Barb with extended friends. Other Friends - close & dear, and friends not so close and dear. The support from GSDBA and Waddell & Reed, The Cannon Family, Sean and Dom, and Carleton's Aunt Jackie. Mostly, the experience of Carleton. Lastly, a new resolved feeling of relevance. (disclosure: the list is not necessarily in value order or is to imply exclusion or inclusion of value should your name be listed or not listed. It is a condensed listing only).

This listing is a more expansive expression with further exploration of what determined the inclusion on the list:

I cherish my mother, Beth. Her combination of values, perspectives, and wisdom I constantly seek. Her purpose and motivations endears her to many. While others call her Beth or Aunt Beth, I am so very thankful I am one of a precious few who get to call her Mom. She taught me inclusion, unrelenting love, forgiveness, and grace. I am sure, at times, she would prefer I cherished these values more limitedly than I have.

Yet, even this year, she moved me by demonstrating why I call her Mom. I regularly called to vent, to share updates or relay more bad news. Yet, she bore it with me. Perhaps because I am her son. Perhaps because she knew there were few I would burden. She moved outside of her Mom-ness to reach me, reason with me, support me, and, yes, even console me. Sometimes, she simply listened as I sobbed. She is able to be with me at moments when I cannot be with others. This year, I realized that it is she who taught me how to create a refuge for others. Her refuge is always open to me, it seems.

I also cherish her pies, Christmas cookies, knitting, my Christmas stocking, and general ability to tolerate me talking.

I am thankful for my siblings, Marc and Cindy (and the partners they have). While they are far away, they have worried and raised concerns. They do not often have to say anything at all. They just are. It is something quirky about our family. We just “are”.

I am so fortunate to be acquainted with so many people. The diversity and combination of experience, skill, perception, capacity, and ability of each is a source of fascination that constantly pulls me into the realm of awe.

This year is no exception. I am truly thankful for my friends. My thankfulness includes those who are near and dear along with those who have simply felt we were acquaintances. When someone goes through a terrible loss, no one know what comment or show of concern tips the balance toward renewal. Some friends were called to come to my rescue this year in caring for Carleton. Some friends extended invitations to visit their homes as places of refuge or rejuvenation.

Celia came at the request of Carleton simply to be with me and confirm my deepest fears. Few would have dared to make me face it. Loyalty has a cost. Loyalty does not hide the truth. Deep friendship bears the cost of reality, love, and pain. Intense toughness know its own.

I am thankful for my friends who have helped me through 2013. Those of you who came to my home or had me at yours. Friends made sure I was alive days after Carleton died. Some texted me each day. Others e-mailed. Others simply lived with me vicariously through Facebook and my blog. Each interaction this year was important to me. From my La Grande friends who reached out in concern to those in Portland and beyond, thank you. Your cards, notes, e-mails, retorts, taunts, and encouragement did help maintain my sanity. One high point was the nearly 200 happy birthday wishes for me.

To Sue and Mary Jo, Jen, Celia & Barb, Kevin, Mary & Patricia, Ellen, Tory, Matt & Daniel, Rene, Andy, and Kevin, Karen, Jeanne, Marci, the GSDBA Board, James Haug, Mike Cavallo and many who just asked how I was doing. Wow, you watched as the train wreck started and did not abandon until the emergency subsided. You did not ask and simply made my decisions for me. Or had lunch with me. Truly friends.

I am thankful for the support the last year from Waddell& Reed people who helped me stay on track with clients, compliance, and the ever changing and expected responsibilities in my career. The patience and support from this “other family” I have enjoyed for over 20 years simply, and deeply, moved me. Their acceptance, and my clients’ patience and support of my commitment to Carleton made the struggle of 2013 much easier.

I am thankful for Jackie, Carleton’s Aunt, for her quiet entrances and departures. When emotions are raw, gentleness is a valuable commodity. Dominique, Carleton’s other aunt, became a new friend and help to understanding family dynamics.

I am thankful that I was allowed to be a part, for a time, of the Cannon Clan. Carleton often called it a circus without a tent. I will leave it to your imagination. I continue to be thankful that the family did not make a difficult time more difficult. I cannot imagine losing a brother and twin or a son. I know Carleton worried about this above all.

Carleton

What I am most thankful for? My time with Carleton.

I am thankful that I met Carleton Cannon and spent three tumultuous years of his life with him. He was not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was not lengthy but it was intensely lived. If I had never met him, I would be quite different today, certainly. Yet, I am so very glad I did. Though the cost has been great emotionally and in other ways.

Carleton demanded that I love him. He required and yearned for my focus. He did not share easily and I was accustomed to providing my time and attention unguarded.

I have been raised not to demand of others but simply to ask. While some have an expectation of others, I have lived my life in hope, not demand. Carleton’s deteriorating health required more of me than hope. His reality required more than I was able to give. I experienced moments of his grief, despair, fear, anger, along with his denial, acceptance, ultimately his entire range of intense, unfiltered and very raw emotional expressions. I have never been an extension of someone else. Yet, in some way, our connection allowed him the ability to assure most, if not all, of his hopes. I became an extension of him.

Through the last year of his life, I worried he was not considering his end. I worried he might not prepare to meet his God. At times, our conversations led down this road, yet we all have areas of secrets and hurts that we do not share with anyone, easily. Ultimately, communication between Mom & Carleton created his pathway of acceptance for his future, should he no longer be able to fight. Ultimately, finding peace is what everyone is most thankful to find.

In return for my all, my giving, attentiveness, and living with Carleton, he gave me the one thing that I have longed to have. Secretly, and not so secretly over my chosen career, the volunteering I do, the people I have helped, the causes I support, the friends that I select, all have been based on a deep seated need to feel relevant. Some might call it their legacy.

Relevance to the world, to others, to people I know is a deep value of mine. My secret horror was that at the end of my days I would look back and feel that my life did not matter, that what I did made no difference.

Carleton, with his life at an end, in quiet moments before his end, resolved that horror. At the end of his days, he relied on me to make decisions no one should have to make. He acknowledged and accepted my choices without comment. He knew I would bear the choices. He submitted or surrendered in the process. Carleton, in his actions, acknowledged my relevance.

Truly, 2013 will continue to be a terribly significant year. I am thankful it is near an end. I look forward to new beginnings. But, I am thankful for those who participated in my life this year. And, that I had relevance to one.

The Most Precious Holiday in My Calendar - Thanksgiving

2013-11-27T20:43:00.001-08:00

I appreciate a grocery store being opened in the morning for those of us who forgot an essential ingredient. I have stopped by a restaurant chain with employees who volunteered for the shifts. Not to mention that to get to grandmothers house, which is over the river and through the woods, you certainly need to make sure a gas station is available for refueling. No, I will not be shopping on Thanksgiving beyond the bare essentials.

Thanksgiving is a most sacred day. Consumerism is ignored though it may scratch at the edges. This Thursday each year is the one day when all Americans cherish each other. It is people over profits. I consider it the one day of the year when everyone has an opportunity to feel a sense of warmth toward those who they call family, even if it is not with someone blood related.

Thanksgiving is certainly an event of magnificent proportions. There are the many pounds of turkey, gallons of gravy, bowls of stuffing, and the many styles of vegetables concoctions. Secretly each person may judge another’s green bean casseroles or cranberry sauces, but each is special in its own way. It is a day where each person hopes to belong and where others purpose to be inclusive. It is one day where the term family is stretched, like so many waist lines, to the limits, undaunted by blood, marriage, or any form of discriminatory exclusion. It is one day where few are turned away and hopefully no one is forgotten.

Truly resourceful Thanksgiving revelers take advantage of the abundance of terminology on the fourth Thursday of the November. They appreciate that “family” is inclusively expanded. True revelers also passionately rejoice at the Thanksgiving expansion of the dinner and dessert options. The truly creative multiply the families they must visit.

I cherish Thanksgiving. It is the day when all are invited to belong. Each person is able to reflect on what they have or have experienced and spend time reflecting on what and who they have. It also is the beginning of a season when many reflect on events, experiences, friends, and loves who are no more. Yet, most, if not all, would not change those cherished experiences, no matter the feelings of loss.

Thanksgiving is not simply a day, but perhaps a weekend of events where extended family reconnects, revisit old stories, review achievements, reflect on old passions, and recommits to forgotten secrets. If consumerism is at all discussed, let it be well after dinner. Use it as a game. Consider bringing the newspaper with all its ads to a cleared off table. Let each person peruse and develop their own strategy for accumulating gifts. Yet, leave the execution of the plan for another day. Stay together and laugh on Thanksgiving.

In my family, Thanksgiving has become the most important holiday where we obey the rules of peace and truce. Thanksgiving is about joy and plenty, not politics or position. It is an exhausting yet exhilarating day. Each participant functions in a form of service to all. Each is challenged to serve in ways they may not normally function.

In years past, we did not have these rules. Yet, we developed them to assure that all were welcomed. No matter the interpersonal issues, Thanksgiving has always drawn me to my family. And, while the pies Mom makes were certainly incentive on their own, it was the belonging that demanded answering. And, as we expanded our invitations to others, our family Thanksgiving flourished, too.

In many homes, there will be conflict. In many homes, someone’s feelings will be hurt. Family is not perfect. Thanksgiving is so immense in its concept that the holiday experience manages to address these experiences, too. For it is having those painful moments that allows us to be thankful for where we live now, who we love, and why we make those types of choices. Thanksgiving provides opportunities to create new families or add additional families to visit throughout the day.

In past years, when my personal interaction with my dad was not spectacular, I developed a three hour rule. Much like Gilligan’s Island’s three hour tour, I started with family optimism. Yet, if storms developed into tsunamis of destruction, after three hours, a graceful exit could be made to seek families of creation or invitation. While I would mourn the loss of pie creations by mom, the change in weather at another home did not bring the same focused attention.

No Thanksgiving is without its challenge or reward. And Thanksgiving is certainly the one day when all relationships are cherished no matter how poorly another communicates its value.

Thanksgiving is perhaps the last stronghold of community and the last holy day of connection. It encourages me to belong, to love, to connect, to pursue moments of reflection, to laugh, to be in the presence of others who love. It is a powerful time to spend time appreciating what is, rather than what will be or what was.

No matter your circumstance, no matter how you feel, I hope if you have no plans tomorrow, you will call and join with others. For Thanksgiving is not powerful when you are alone. It is when we join together and give thanks that its power is demonstrated. Make this Thanksgiving a wonderful time of belonging. Each Thanksgiving is so powerful, you can make a tradition after only one!

An Apology Is Necessary

2013-11-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Recently, the LGBT Weekly has published two articles related to my leadership and changes that were necessary at the GSDBA. Though I attempted ad nauseum to correct a myriad of suppositions, errors, inaccuracies, lies, character assassinations, and violations of confidentiality, the reporter was intent on creating divisiveness.

I will not address this poorly written or "investigated" article to correct its myriad of inaccuracies. The entire GSDBA Board, as always, will choose how to do so, with consideration for membership, staff, and stakeholders, as we always do, together.

Yet, there is one thing that must be said, by me, toward someone, from a public forum. When reporters make insinuations about staff of non-profits without merit, simply suggesting, creating innuendo, or creating the illusion they are providing information, I find these reporters to be of the scum sucking variety and should be banned from any LGBT resource or information source in journalism.

Take your pot shots at decision makers. Attempt to question or ridicule volunteer leaders for their decisions. Create doubt where you feel you must for your own selfish need to get published. But, when you attack staff, their loyalty, their purpose, their contribution, or their integrity, you simply have gone too far. Staff who have done nothing but what has been asked of them from executive directors, CEOs, and Board Members should be off limits as targets for reporters and their mud slinging.

Today, as Chair of GSDBA, I felt it necessary to personally apologize for LGBT Weekly and their totally inappropriate articles related to GSDBA when the reporter included a character assassination of one of our employees, Sue Sneeringer. Her decision to resign was a personal one based on her values. When she was sought after by me, and the GSDBA Board, to be rehired, to help our organization in a truly necessary role, she accepted after careful consideration.

Sue Sneeringer is a true asset of GSDBA, a gem of organization and clarity, and a soft, caring voice for our LGBT Chamber that encourages members, is respected in our community, and is devoted to our mission of Equality for All. Her integrity should not be questioned by a reporter who does not have access to information, is only intent on seeing division where there is none, and in questioning Sue's character, indicts his very own integrity in the process.

Relevance is a GSDBA Value

2013-10-31T14:48:00.002-07:00

The ACA - It is worth being patient

2013-10-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

The Affordable Care Act is an excellent concept which pools most Americans into the health care system. Yet, only if it follows basic insurance theory will it be successful (theories and rules which republicans do not mention). The primary theory is that it is best to pool risk amongst the largest group available. Secondarily, you must make sure that pool is not encouraged through "adverse risk", the idea that those who may persevere are those most likely to be "at risk". This secondary theory now threatens Obama's implementation of the ACA.

Bureaucrats, in the rush to meet the ACA deadlines, along with delayed pursuit by States, Insurance Companies, funding from Congress, debating in Congress and amongst bureaucrats, and delaying tactics employed elsewhere likely has impacted backend testing of the highly complex system proposed in the "Website" and "Back End" systems necessary to include Health Insurance Companies with various premium rates X the number of states X gender X Age X Income X premium support X various other values in a complicated matrix.

I would urge everyone to take a breath. Few people, initially, could ever correctly answer a complex mathematical question the first time around. Certainly, rushing to market was not a wise choice, however it was necessitated by those who would prefer the ACA never see the light of day. Yet, it is important that those who believe Affordable Access to Health Care is important to encourage others that without the ACA, health premium increases would be growing substantially faster than it currently is.

Without ACA, we would have not have a solution for 45 million uninsured Americans except emergency room visits at 300% of the regular costs.

In the next few years, without the ACA, internationally, American companies would be at an increasingly distinct disadvantage in economic competitiveness due to rapidly rising health care costs from those 45 million uninsured. Hospitals simply spread that cost to the paying public. America is the only country in the developed world where companies bear significant health care costs for their employees. In every other country, it is borne across the breadth of its citizenry.
The ACA provides a framework of inclusion, a method of managing rising health care costs, it assists to mitigate disease through normative care programs, it saves jobs, helps our companies remain competitive in the global economy, while helping those who did not have access to health care.

All in all, a very good law. The technology just has to catch up to the concepts.

It's been two months, Carleton. I'm adjusting but it is not fun.

2013-10-20T14:46:00.003-07:00

Carleton,

I went to the LGBT Center Gala last night. The one you and I had hoped to attend together. It was a festive night. Everyone asked how I was doing. I told them I was okay. Yet, every now and again, I noticed someone watching me to make sure I was. There are pictures from it. You would have said I was handsome. I wish you had been there. I helped sponsor a table and promised Delores that I was still raising money in your name to assist other young men with support services. The Carleton Cannon Memorial Fund has raised over $1,500 for services to men like you.

It has been two months since the day when you and I made the decision that you would surrender and depart this world. I did get angry I didn't get more time that day just to hug you, but you took me at my word and worked so hard to encourage others that day. While angry I did not get more time, I was proud of how you faced your end. I can only hope that I will be so brave.

Your brother reached out to me last week, your mother a couple weeks before that. I have checked in with Sean and with your Aunt. My office watches me. Rene stops by nearly every day. The first two weeks were debilitating. The weeks following were frustratingly hindered with shadows of regret, loneliness, frustration, and the pain.

The GSDBA board is just relieved my brain started functioning two weeks back after the grief hiatus. At least I can function in leadership capacities again for my volunteer work and for my clients as well.

You know I am not incapacitated, but every day there is always something that reminds me that you are not here, that you died, that I must face that reality. I returned a few weeks ago from Palm Springs. It was shocking to realize that I expected to see you as I opened the door to the apartment, as I have done so many other times. I simply was stunned as it seemed voices in my head were in shock and just then realized you were gone, for good. Even a trip to the grocery store impacted the loss. Small and big thing cause me to pause, think of you, grieve, tear up, stop a moment, before I push forward. Whether it is forgetting the mail you always picked up, the notes left different place, your hand writing, or the last two voice mails on my phone I cannot erase yet.

While it has been two months, at times it seems so much longer. Perhaps that is how it feels to be tortured. It is daily, yet the moments stand still as we become stuck in those individual seconds in that moment. And, with each of those seconds, it takes energy and strength to move past them to return to the present.

At times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we sat around and laughed, walked, and worried. I just changed the sheets on the bed. I have only your things in the wallet to go through. It lies on the table in the bedroom. Truly, I am unable to go through it. I wonder how long it will be before I address it. I have photos for your Dad and Mom to deliver. I still need to shut off your phone number. I can't bring myself to use your phone for some reason even though it performs way better than mine. I can't even bring myself to watch Elementary or NCIS Los Angeles, because we always promised to watch it together. Silly, I know. But, we did keep our promises.

The last two months have been easier and harder than I ever imagined. Thank you for communicating to others that you worried I would not do well without you. It made me laugh, but made them respond. Both reactions I welcomed and it has been helpful.

I wish you were still here. But, with the amount of pain you had, the struggles we had in the last 6 months, I would continue to make the same decision we made together August 20th. And, I am glad your mom, Linda, made it with us.

Peace, my love, enjoy the new time you can spend with your grandpa. I know he was the first face you saw after God. Though, I fear my Dad may have been the second.

I miss you and so do your friends and family. We will not fill the space you created in our hearts. So we do what we can to live with that space, stirring those memories so that the space in that emptiness does not become stale.

Peace,
Eric

The Muse of Music and My Visit to the Dark Area of My Mind

2013-10-14T21:50:00.002-07:00

Today, as most days, songs occupy the inner region of my mind. A chorus will spring up, a trio, a soloist, a rythmn. Numerous times it can be one song repeated over again until it is sung. Other times, it is a thematic display represented by many forms of our diverse musical repetoire.

Tonight, at the crux of reliving some recent memories, Peter Paul and Mary started to sing. Yet, instead of the usual movement of poignant love, somehow the tune threw me into a swirling mix of emotion as Mary and I changed perspective, Carleton came face to face with me, and sang one verse, then I another. Quickly, reality met loved loss, with my barriers of responsibility crumbling and those pang of hurt and disorder being held back joined with the fragments of regret and anger.

The discordant music clashed, causing poised cords to clash in calamity, jarring my control and eliciting anguish as memories accused me and begged me to connect.

Usually, I find the depths of my memory and the vast music repetoire ensconced in my soul assists me to cope with the vagaries of others and the circumstances life can throw my way. Usually music is capable of moving me past hurts, quickly through terrors, and rescues me from that area, that prison where pain, loneliness, worry and depression are confined in my being. Those dark thoughts are restrained and left starved in that small space. Those feelings, the dark history is banished there along with past harmful thoughts.

Yet, when I am at my weariest, or when I venture too close to that restricted prison where regret reigns, or an event throws me near to the lair of mistakes and the morose, the Muse of Music acknowledges their presence. While they speak, Music stirs the survivors of those imprisoned terrorists of my inner strength and peace into a chorus of morose communication, a choir of terrible consequence, which can rob me of my pride and my strength, bending my knees into a sobbing grief. The Muse can communicate a wealth of emotion through any songs which once brought joy to clearly communicate the true costs of those dalliances with darkness.

These dark forces, while contained, still are empowered to remind me of realities most in humanity would prefer to ignore are no on their own, evil. Their whispers do not lie, they simply confirm the worst imaginable, test our sanity, prepare us for possibilities, and balance our fantasies. They can freeze us in our failures, force us to live out our rejection, even examine our resulting pain. Music reluctantly submits to their cries, providing a complex harmony sometimes in minor keys to focus their intent to subject me to their intensity and invasion.

Fortunately, while the examination of past crimes is in full swing, the Muse changes the key, moves minor to major, and with a complexity of chorus, can rescue my very Soul, at its darkest, most overwhelmed, and rush me back to the joy of life for me to recover from the taste of Death itself. The cost may be the loss temporarily of strength, yet Hope quickly responds bringing powerful cords of communion to reenergize the husk. And, while the horror of grief recedes once more, the last of drying tears are wiped from my cheek, the cathartic release of that visit resonates with the memories of Loves. I can rest as I have not rested in nights after a nightmarish hour or two of reliving lost contacts, having greeted their specters without appropriate supervision. Music, having been subject to reality, rescued me once more, after an awful wrong turn had cast me at the doorstep of Darkness.

Tonight, as the song list of my mind played, some of those songs and the words therein touched the dark areas of my mind. Be careful what you carve into your memory. You might identify with me if you have an area of your memory where the morose and the painful are imprisoned. Music takes you where you must go. Fortunately, for me, it continues to rescue me from the places where I find myself lost, bringing me back to safety.

Happy National Coming Out Day

2013-10-11T23:56:00.001-07:00

Happy National Coming Out Day!

For those who have always wondered, yes, I am gay. If you need to seek therapy, call a therapist. If you just feel the beginnings of a heart attack, please dial 911. If you weren't shocked, well, welcome to my world.

In the spirit of Coming Out, I thought I would share other tidbits that might provide more inclusion, more insight, and more entertaining fodder for future discussions and judgments.

I played violin since I was in fourth grade. I haven’t touched it for three years. Carleton asked weekly for me to play. I did once. I regret that I didn’t do it since. I opened it today.
I enjoy ballroom dancing. I can waltz, two step, fox trot, cha-cha. I can lead and follow. Yet, I have only been on the floor once since moving to San Diego.
I believe Cheetos is its own food group.
I am a Vodka snob.
I only drink Coke when offered soda.
I yearn for an electric car with the power of BMW and the comfort of Cadillac.
I love lesbians.
I coined the phrase “flannel wearing ninja lesbians”. It makes lesbians laugh and straight people worry that they exist. It is a concept like Santa. I haven’t met one, but I love the ideal.
I once led republican organizations.
I consider a great fantasy or sci-fi novel a vacation.
I was a competitive swimmer growing up in La Grande.
I have had 71 friends die of AIDS related diseases. I miss at least one of them daily.
I have a committee of voices in my head. Most of what they say is entertaining, wise, or insightful. Usually the comments are one liners. Yet, fortunately, it is rare that they take control of my vocal cords. One, I am certain, is a drag queen (It just may be Lady Elaine Peacock). My family is well represented on the committee (Dad, Cindy, Mom, Marc, Grandpa). Fortunately, they normally sing in harmony, allowing me to assign tasks, enjoy the chorus. During major grief, the committee adjourns. They have recently came back into session. No, I'm not crazy. I think its ADHD and my ability to manage the competing
The time I spent as a pastor for 3 1/2 years to an LGBT congregation was a time of great learning and growth.
I am a professional worrier. Yet, in my private life I merely enjoy the individual moments I have when I am with friends.
I believe that all my business rules were developed by watching Disney animated movies.
Of course, I love musicals. Didn't you know I'm gay?
My first gay date was in Missoula, MT.
I fought my first bully when I was in third grade. A friend, James Hawthorne, came to my defense.
I fought my second bully in 7th grade. My third in 8th grade.
The most humorous comment that I ever heard was that due to rumors that I partied while I was an exchange student in Brazil as a junior in High School, students who had harrassed me for years in La Grande, Oregon, determined I wasn't gay. Apparently, gays don't know how to party, right?
The first board of directors I joined was the Gay Pride Board in Portland, 1991.
I considered I was gay at 8 years of age. That was either shortly before or shortly after some classmates either informed or confirmed it by harrassing me.
I love blankets.
I really want the next President of the US to be a woman.