You’ve probably tried time-outs, counting 1-2-3, various forms of punishment, bribing, nagging and offering rewards to keep your kids in line.

So why haven’t they worked?  At least not longer than a day or two?

Don’t worry. There are good reasons why some of the most popular parenting techniques fall short—and I can tell you, as an authority on stress-free parenting, that other parents who use them struggle just as much as you do.

Each technique is flawed, focusing our kids on the things we don’t want them to learn and not on the way towards helping them make better decisions in the future.

I’ll first describe why two of the most popular techniques don’t work and then describe one that does.

1) Traditional Time Out

It’s hard to find a parent nowadays who hasn’t used a traditional time-out at one time or another. For many, it’s their “go-to” strategy. Part of the reason for the traditional time-out’s popularity is because it became the only known alternative to spanking. However,  the traditional time-out doesn’t guarantee that it is effective in correcting misbehaviors in the long term. If used in the traditional way, it:

a) Invites power struggles

b) Neglects to teach important life lessons

2) Counting 1-2-3

Another popular parenting strategy recommends counting as a way to put a stop to misbehavior, theoretically allowing children time to correct their inappropriate actions. This may work the first time, but soon you’ll find yourself saying, “One, Two Three…three and a half, three and three quarters…”

The main problem with the 1-2-3 technique is that instead of training your child to reconsider his actions, you’re actually teaching him to ignore you multiple times before finally listening and obeying (if you’re lucky).

While you do need to give your child enough time to correct misbehavior or make a different choice, this strategy just teaches kids that immediate action is never necessary. They’re actually rewarded by ignoring you for as long as possible! Plus, it surely doesn’t teach them how to be self-disciplined or how to choose the right behaviour.

So, now that you understand why these two strategies don’t work long term and don’t teach what we truly want to teach our children, then what IS the best and most effective discipline strategy?

Let’s start by coming to terms with one fact: the reason we need to discipline our children at times is because we have a responsibility as a parent.  And that responsibility is to train our kids to be happy, healthy and successful adults.

If this is our goal, then what needs to be present?

1) Fulfillment of Their Basic Emotional Needs

Kids will misbehave if their emotional tanks are not full, so be sure that they are consistently getting positive physical contact, eye contact and one-on-one time (without anyone else around).

2) Good Role Models

What children see becomes what’s normal and okay for them.  So, do a self-check to see if you and your spouse are speaking and acting the way you encourage your children to.

3) Routine

Children misbehave most commonly when they’re hungry, tired, bored or over-stimulated.  Be sure that a slow, consistent routine is present in their lives – one that includes regular sleeping, eating, and alone times.

4) A Simple, Concise and Consistent Form of Discipline

Believe it or not, fair, simple and consistent discipline is what children crave.  It makes them feel loved, cared for and safe.  Without this, they’ll keep searching for it, like one does when trying to find a light switch in a dark room.

Use concise phrases describing what your child needs to do.

If need be, offer a choice Ex. You can put your coat on here or at the car.  What would you like?

And finally, if need be, honour your child’s choice by applying a logical consequence OR let a natural one do the teaching.

Keep it simple, keep it concise, keep it consistent.  THIS is the best, most time effective way to discipline.

If you’d like to learn Erin’s 4 simple, concise and consistent discipline phrases that can be used in almost every discipline situation, go to www.erinparenting.com, where you’ll also receive 8 FREE videos on how to replace parenting stress with parenting peace.

As soon as we give birth to our children the world is set at a different pace it seems.

Activities, homework, play dates, classes, cooking, doing laundry…. this all takes time, and if we are not living our lives consciously enough we can forget what our actual goal was!

So, let today be the day to reflect.

Let today be the day everyone honours you as a mother

Let today be your reminder about all the good you do each and every day for your family.

Let today be the day when you celebrate your uniqueness as a mom – what are YOU good at?

Let today be the day that you allow yourself to RECEIVE – something difficult for many moms.

Let today be the day you reflect on what your deepest desire is as a mother to your kids, and then make a list of how you think you can accomplish this.

I’ll start first to give you an example of what I mean…

“My deepest desire is to create a beautiful marriage and to nurture my children to be loving, confident, radiant, compassionate people who are driven to discover their unique purpose on this earth and use it to serve others.”

To do this I want to be:

• interested

• involved

• compassionate

• a role-model

• consistent

• present

• non-judgemental

• their cheerleader

• inspiring

Now it’s your turn! Don’t think you have to be the same as me or anyone else.  You are unique!  Your child was sent to YOU specifically, and you are their mother for a specific reason.  Go with what your heart tells you.

Celebrate this!

Now, make a pact with yourself, that moving forward, you’ll keep this goal in your mind when your child misbehaves, whines, throws a tantrum or asks you to sit with them or listen to their stories.

This goal will keep things in perspective and will help you stay calm (and apply my 4 step discipline technique if need be!)

Happy Mother’s Day to you!  I honour you and celebrate you for all the good you do.

We working moms are busy ladies!  We have responsibilities in a variety of settings and expectations of us from a variety of people (including ourselves). So, wouldn’t it be nice if one thing, how to be a great mom, was made simple, so that we didn’t have to waste needless energy worrying about whether or not we’re doing that job well?

If you’ve ever wished you could find the “Cliff’s Notes” on how to be a great working mom, well, here it is!

I’ve been working with children and parents for 19 years, am a mother of 2 and am a Stress-Free Parenting Coach to Working Moms, so  I think it’s safe to say that these nine parenting tips are the most simple and effective ones around.  You can adopt them right away and see results instantly.  If you implement these tips, you’ll feel better about being a working mom and in turn will have a huge impact on your child’s life.

Parenting Tip #1 – Always Say You’re Sorry

You will make mistakes and it’s okay, just be sure to apologize. Your child learns this skill from you.  They need to learn that when one makes a mistake, the way to make things right is to accept responsibility and apologize.

Even if it was your child who misbehaved, if you handled the situation poorly, apologize.

Parenting Tip #2 – Listening and Coaching is Far More Effective than Giving Advice

Get into this habit early because giving advice often leads children to tune you out.  You are doing your children a disservice if you don’t teach them how to solve their own problems.  Very few people like to be told what to do.  Children, and especially teens are no different.  Isn’t it better to be a sounding board and guide someone to make the right choice for their life?  That’s what great coaches do.

A few good phrases to use are:

What do you think is the best way to handle this/solve this/make this right?

Have you ever thought of doing/trying __________?” Then listen.

You can empathize then say: “Yes, I can understand.  I have felt that way too, particularly when ____________.” Then listen.

Parenting Tip #3 – It’s the Simple Things that Make the Biggest Difference

You don’t have to do anything elaborate to create memories for your children.  You will be amazed at the impact of doing simple little things for or with your children.  My most heartwarming memory is of my mother and I watching a certain TV show together while eating oranges.  This happened everyday at the same time, and she always cut the oranges in the same way.  Nothing special, but it’s one of my fondest memories from my childhood.

Parenting Tip #4 – Be the Unique Mom You Are

Working Moms spend way too much time comparing themselves to other mothers, wishing they were more organized, or could cook better, or could do crafts better, etc.  But what you don’t realize is that your children are attached to the unique mom that you are.

My son loves  the “airplane” rides I give him (I put my feet on his tummy and lift him up singing a silly song)  When I was pregnant with my daughter and couldn’t do this anymore, he waited 9 months and then some until I could give him an airplane ride again! I don’t enjoy playing with toys alongside him, but this is what I’m good at.

Parenting Tip #5 – Let Your Children’s Misbehavior Tell You What’s Going on Inside of Them

Children misbehave for a reason.  It’s not because they are bad kids.  Your kids are trying to communicate something to you.  Your child could be angry, hungry or tired.  She could be needing your attention.  He could be having a hard time verbalizing his feelings.  Maybe he may want more independence.  Or, he may be wanting more limits and boundaries from you.

There are so many things that could be going on inside your child.  Seek to get inside your child’s inner world before you yell or become frustrated with them.

Parenting Tip #6 – Walk & Talk Your Family Values and Beliefs

Many working moms say they know what their family values are, or what their beliefs are, but do your kids know what they are?  Are you truly walking your talk?  If you say you value kindness or health, does your life reflect that?  If you say, “We don’t yell, we speak politely to each other”,  do you speak politely to your child and spouse? Talk is cheap, but modeling is powerful.

Parenting Tip #7 – Work on Yourself before You Work on Your Children

Is it easy to point out areas for growth in your children?  Slow down and take a look at yourself first.  Could you be parenting differently or more effectively to correct these problems?  Do you make time to do things that re-energize and re-vitalize yourself? These little human beings that we are shaping are watching what we DO.

I always say that “A Happy Mom Makes a Happy Family”. So, before we discipline our kids we too need to consider how we can grow as parents and people ourselves.

Parenting Tip #8 – Let Natural Consequences Be Your Children’s Teacher

As hard as it can be to let our children fall down and deal with the consequences of their choices, natural consequences are often their greatest teachers.  Let your child be upset when their toy is taken away because they’re not using it safely.  Don’t remind your child to take her lunch; she will remember when she is hungry at school.  If you overly protect your children when they are young, they will be in for a rude awakening as adults in the real world.

Parenting Tip #9 – Don’t Lose Yourself in Motherhood

You were a woman before you became a mom.  And that woman had interests and passions that made you who you are.  Do you remember what those were?  Or have you sacrificed all those for motherhood because you feel guilty for working so much or feel exhausted most of the time?

I have coached so many working moms who have lost themselves because they put their needs and wants LAST. Don’t do this.  Be an example to your children of what it means to take care of yourself and truly know and value yourself.

These nine parenting tips will set the foundation and the right environment for all good things: close bonds, true connections, more energy, less stress, and kids who are resilient and successful as adults. No go enjoy motherhood!

There are two ways you can approach parenting: one, from a reactive place and two, from a proactive place. Although you need to know and consistently use a simple, loving and effective discipline approach like I teach my clients, it is important, if not crucial, to learn proactive ways of avoiding misbehaviours in the first place.

What are the benefits of learning these “avoidance” or proactive strategies, other than not having to discipline so much? Well, all of the proactive parenting strategies actually deepen the bond you have with your child causing your child to want to refrain from misbehaving.  Having close, emotional bonds with your child also ensures that their emotional “tank” is filled, so they don’t NEED to misbehave to try and get something they feel is missing.

Over and above this, using proactive parenting strategies increases your child’s sense of self worth by helping them create the image and accepting the image that they are trustworthy, responsible, respectful and cooperative.

Here are my top 15 positive parenting parenting strategies parents can take to help prevent misbehavior and the need for discipline.

1) Set clear, consistent rules.

2) Make certain the environment is safe and worry-free.

3)  Show interest in the child’s activities.

4)  Provide appropriate and engaging playthings.

5)  Encourage self-control by providing meaningful choices.

6) Focus on the desired behavior, rather than the one to be avoided.

7) Build children’s images of themselves as trustworthy, responsible and cooperative.

Expect the best from the child.

9) Give clear directions, one at a time.

10) Say “Yes” whenever possible.

11) Notice and pay attention to children when they do things right.

12) Take action before a situation gets out of control.

13) Encourage children often and generously.

14) Set a good example.

15) Help children see how their actions affect others.

It is important for you to remember that child misbehavior is impossible to prevent completely. They are learning about how their world works by experimenting, and lucky you, you get to be their professor! Now, although misbehaviour is normal, that doesn’t mean it has to be constant or intense. Mild misbehaviour is what we’re after.

We want to shorten their learning curve, and the way to use the proactive strategies listed above consistently. Doing this, you will prevent 90% of all misbehaviours.  For the other 10% learn a simple, loving and effective method to discipline and be consistent with it.

I love a line I read in a book once

Yelling negatively and directly affects the way children see themselves and how they feel about their life and their place in this world. Yelling is also bad for the parents’ self-esteem since it is usually a behavior that one regrets or is ashamed of later.

It is important to realize that when a parent yells they are not editing what they say the same way they would if they were speaking in a calmer moment of discussion or conversation.

The first step one must take to stop yelling is to understand what triggers the yelling. Yes, one’s child is probably doing something annoying, however, it is important to think about what makes one choose to yell instead of speaking matter-of-factly.

Ninety percent of the time, the reason people yell is that they were yelled at as children or they saw a lot of yelling when conflict arose in the household. Perhaps their parents yelled a lot. Perhaps one parent often yelled in the house. Even though they may have hated being yelled at it is all they know, it’s their “normal”, so they simply fall into that same pattern during times of stress with their own children.

To stop yelling at your kids, start by becoming aware each time you yell. The more you are aware of it, the more you can stop yourself before that shouty voice even comes out. This takes some practice, but without becoming aware of how often you do it, it is very difficult to change it.

The second step is to realize what response is most likely to occur after one finishes yelling. Because yelling makes a child feel badly about themselves they will often lash back in order to protect themselves, and then become revengeful. They may, out of fear and sadness, stop the behaviour for a short period of time, however the anger and humiliation they feel will build up and soon enough they will lash out.

Often times, parents think yelling works when their child is small, but are shocked when they experience severe disobedience when their child gets a little older. At this point, it is more difficult, not impossible, but definitely more difficult to regain the respect and trust of the child.

So, if one knows that they are yelling simply because it is what they have learned and seen when they were young, and they understand that the result of yelling never achieves the desired result, what is the alternative? What is the solution to stop yelling?

In order to change this habit around, you will need to learn an alternative way of getting your child to listen and be very consistent in using this alternative method.

Children love and thrive on predictability and consistency. For example, I teach my clients a 4 step discipline technique. They use the same phrases and the same tone of voice over and over again so they know exactly what to say each time a situation arises. This makes them confident, it satisfies their children’s need for predictability and consistency, and it truly replaces the need to yell because it is effective in changing their child’s misbehaviour around.

I’ll share with you one of the steps in my 4 step technique: Use a matter-of-fact-voice. Practice this. For me, I would say, “My name is Erin Kurt and I’m a parenting coach who teaches simple techniques to moms and dads who want to effectively parent without yelling.” What would you say? Watch how you say it. What’s your tone? Is there any emotion in saying it? Probably not, it’s just fact, right?
When a situation arises with your children you simply need to use this same tone and describe what it is they need to do. Is it, “You need to finish eating what’s in your mouth before you start talking”? Is it, “You need to be patient and wait until I’m done talking to this lady”? What is it?
You CAN stop yelling at your kids and you CAN start feeling more confident in what to say and do in times of stress when you need your child to stop or start doing something. Remember: become aware, realize the undesirable outcome of yelling, then learn a simple method and be consistent with it. This is a winning formula!

Spring Break is here and the kids are off. Many parents begin to panic at how they will fill their child’s time. So, they source out a bunch of outings they can take their kids on. Ah…Now the only down time they’ll have to manage is from dinner till bedtime. “Keep them busy!” is everyone’s motto.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Although some outings are nice, I would like to recommend a different, more slow and meaningful way of passing the time of Spring Break. Notice the word “Break” It means that everyone should enjoy a break from normal jobs, duties, and work. It also means enjoying a different kind of relationship with mom or dad – a more relaxed and casual one.

Here are 10 fun ideas that WON”T have you being their entertainer or chauffeur as you drive them around. That’s exhausting. Instead, let’s let our kids be kids, and spend more of this “Break” connecting and bonding with our kiddies. Sound good? Great! Let’s get one thing set up first to help make this work really smoothly; a routine.

Just because the kids are on Spring Break doesn’t mean they don’t need routine. In fact, they do, they love it, and it’ll be a life saver for you. So, here’s a typical routine that is flexible enough for the holidays, but routined enough to allow everyone, including you, some well-deserved down time.

Routine:

7am – Kids get up, make bed, get dressed, brush teeth and hair.

7:30am Enjoy family breakfast

8:00am – 9:00am Slow moving, good quality TV or DVD time

9 am – 10:30am – Independent Play Time (This can be extended if they’re involved in a game)

10:30am – 12 noon – Time with Mommy or Daddy

Noon – Eat Lunch Together. If weather is nice, enjoy a picnic in your backyard or garden. If not, have a picnic inside!

1pm – 2:30 pm Independent Play Time (This can be extended if they’re involved in an activity

2:30pm – 4 pm Time with Mommy or Daddy

4pm – 5pm Slow moving, good quality TV or DVD TIme

5pm Help set the table, prepare dinner, tidy up toys (You choose what is age appropriate)

6pm Eat dinner together.

6:30pm Family Time

7pm Everyone starts getting ready for bed, Reading story, etc.

8pm Lights Out

Now that a solid routine is established and laid out to the kids either in writing or visually through a picture checklist, let’s look at some activities that can fill certain times in the routine!

1) Plant seeds after a trip to the Gardening Centre.
2) Paint a mural together (Use long paper)
3) Go for a nature walk or bike ride.
4) Reads lots of stories or information books aloud.
5) Make a batch of homemade Playdough and PLAY!
6) Tidy & Pretty the garden together – leaves in bags, weeds picked, trees trimmed and pruned. Plant some flowers in flower baskets. Believe it or not, kids love doing this… if it’s with you. After, enjoy a treat together!
7) Make a craft such as Designing a T-Shirt Decal, painting a piggy bank, creating bracelets, etc. Search Amazon for “Craft Toys”
8 ) Go swimming.
9) Bake some fun snacks, cookies, cupcakes, muffins, etc.
10) Give the camera or flip camera and let your kids take pictures or videos of Nature in your backyard or elsewhere.

It is fine to repeat some of these activities because children of any age LOVE repetition. Maybe go on a nature walk or bike ride in a different location, but go do this again if you enjoy it too!

Feel the slow rythymn that this routine will bring to your Spring Break. Your kids will be happier and therefore better behaved. You will have few, if any discipline issues because you’ll be guaranteeing that they’ll be getting everything they need and want from you. Happy Spring Break!