Ersht Is Ersht

School update

2012-01-22T14:41:00.001-06:00

I kinda got lost in the shuffle after the summer session last year, as it was pretty grueling, but I managed to get an A in Trig and an AB in statistics. Little did I know how rough the fall semester would be, attempting to take 15 credits in 4 classes, nor did I realize that the travel between three different campuses was going to make it impossible to do. That led me to having to drop a writing class. Whoops. The good news is that I got an AB in Norwegian (at the University), B in General Chemistry, and an A in psychology.

Long story short, I'm still in good position to be able to transfer from this tech college I am in to the University here. My transfer GPA is good (3.43) and I have a good mix of subjects, so I should stand a pretty good chance of being admitted as a sophomore transfer student. Family history and being an older returning student should help my cause greatly. :D

All I have to do this semester is do well in the 2nd Semester Norwegian class (I can't be admitted until I have 2 semesters of a college level foreign language) and in the writing class I'm in (it's also pretty crucial.) I'm taking Chem 2, but it's not critical how well I do in that class - but I am still pushing myself to do well. :)

About that string of bad first dates...

2012-01-22T13:03:00.000-06:00

So my last post from forever ago was me... well, complaining (no getting around that fact.) I'd had a ton of first dates and a couple seconds, but nothing went anywhere. I was probably hoping for something more, and that led to disappointment which led to me being in a bad mood. Oops. Anyway, after letting my subscription run out on this online dating site I was on, I took a month or two off before giving it another shot in October. I sent out a handful of emails and had some fun back and forth exchanges with a few women (none of them went anywhere), but little did I know that the very first email I sent was one that has (so far) led to a pretty interesting couple of months of dating her (for anonymity's sake, lets call her Mary.)

In the world of 12-step programs, there is a saying that "if you want to know what your defects are, start dating someone." I think the same can be said of AS with dating or even just simple friendships. As much as I was feeling confused about my diagnosis last year, it is starting to sink in to me that it is the correct diagnosis, and that I am incredibly lucky to be so far on the high functioning end of the spectrum. That said, my ability to connect with people is still something I have a problem with like anyone else with AS. I get a little more wiggle room, I think, because I'm able to hide it well (as exhausting as it is to do) and possibly because I am an attractive person (not being cocky, just going with human nature being what it is.) Whatever the case may be, I have been finding out that I definitely still have some struggles with reading social interactions and having an intuitive sense of where I stand with people. The good news is that I am sooooooo much better than I ever was, so I've made progress. :)

Anyway, Mary is stunningly gorgeous and is a wonderful caring person with a lot going on between her ears and in her life. It's still early yet, but I think we share a lot of similar traits and interests, but most importantly we communicate very well. I've had some moments of opening up about how I feel about things with her, and had a fight about things that I'm sure would have ended not so well had I not been very forthcoming about how I feel and not been afraid of those feelings. I did come close, but ultimately didn't disclose anything about my AS with her, as I don't want to make excuses for things. It is part of who I am and I have to deal with that, and I will not take the easy road out and blame AS for why I did X, Y, and Z.

Stuff running through my head

2011-10-18T15:17:00.001-05:00

I've got all this stuff running through my head right now that I don't know how to compose a complete blogpost about:

I am not independent, and don't really know how to be. I can't work and do school, as I can't even seem to do school right now. Lack of independence is my #1 downfall right now in dating, not that I even have much hope in dating. I think it might be time to seriously re-evaluate my dreams. I think the dream I've had of getting married and having kids is starting to quickly fade away, since I can't even seem to get past the first few dates.

I have no friends, and spend most of my days talking only my teachers and to the people behind the counter at the coffee shops I frequent. I don't know how to have friends much less be a friend. The only thing I know is that my phone almost never rings. This isn't exactly a new thing, as this has been going on for many years.

Months of denial about AS.

2011-10-17T10:09:00.002-05:00

So I've not been writing or posting, as I've spent the better part of the last 5 months in denial about Asperger's, that I don't really have this I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that I can just go about living a normal life, but about all I can really do is act it out in some ways but not really get close to anyone for fear that they'd start asking questions that I don't really know how to answer (or want to answer.)

This all started sometime in May, when I went to my first support group for people with Asperger's. I was the only one who was attending without a parent, which made me feel incredibly fortunate that my outward appearance isn't obviously one of someone who has Asperger's or Autism. I also felt incredibly out of place being there. While I could definitely relate with some of the struggles that were mentioned, as I had those same problems at one point in my life, I've managed to work through the issues with being able to talk to people though the things I've done in participating in a 12-step program. I don't have much of a problem meeting people and getting along (to an extent), but I do have no idea how to maintain friendships, or possibly even not knowing what a friend is supposed to do (or be).

Not thinking so much about the friends issue and how important that might be, I started to get back into the dating world again via some online dating sites. I managed to have a slew of first dates, and a couple second dates, but nothing ever came of it (mostly disinterest on my part.) I did manage to finally semi-randomly meet someone (in a sober state) where I was hanging out one night. Sure, it helped that it was at a 12-step function, but it was still a victory of sorts to recognize that someone might have been checking me and might have been interested. Of course, I was so unsure of whether or not it was happening and unsure of what to do that I didn't do anything but keep dancing to the music that the DJ was playing, but she introduced herself to me. I have no idea what, if anything, I said to her, as it was such a foreign thing to happen to me that I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening (I don't go hitting up 12-step dances in order to meet women.) It should have been perfectly obvious to me that night that I'm not cured of the problems I might have with interacting with people and recognizing what is happening around me.

So that didn't really go too far (and I even told her about my AS, the first time I've done that with someone I was dating), and now we're just friends. However, it's come to my attention that I have absolutely no idea what that means (how to be a friend.) I've been back in Madison for a year and a half now, and I'm realizing that I haven't had much contact with friends back in Savannah. This is exactly what happened to my friends in Madison when I left to move to Savannah. I would call to touch base, but that did not last long, and I pretty much stopped talking to them. Now it's happening in reverse, and now I really don't talk to anybody anymore (except maybe my teachers.) I once thought it counted, but now I'm not sure that the interactions I have on social media sites truly count as keeping in touch.

I've heard that college is supposed to be a time where you'll meet lots of friends, but I don't know how to do that, and haven't even met anyone that I would want to be friends with. I'm pretty much stuck with the circle of friends that there is in the 12-step circle, but I'm pretty sure I've been cast off that island with some of my rebellious views and attitudes of sober life (the main being that I don't want to live in an isolated "recovery bubble", living apart from the rest of the world.) I think I may have just completely lost the point to where this was going.

I'm not dead, not yet...

2011-07-16T00:19:00.000-05:00

Hey all. I somehow managed to find myself taking 7 credits of math this summer (trigonometry and statistics), so that explains why I've been completely AWOL lately. I have a month to catch up on things starting next week.

36 going on 24

2011-05-24T16:18:00.000-05:00

So in the past few weeks, I somehow managed to turn 36. I understand how birthdays work, but any number past 25 is still a shock to me, as I was convinced at the age of 9 that I wouldn't live to see the year 2000. I have no idea why I had that thought at such a young age, but I'm glad the premonition didn't come true.

Anyway, I'm in the last year of my mid 30's, but almost nothing in my life resembles that of a 36 year old. I guess you could say that I'm quite lucky that I physically can still pass for my early 20's, though the gray is really starting to come in strong. I know how to shop for deals, so I still dress fairly fashionably, or as much as one can on a super limited budget (note: I'm no hipster!) I live at home (nuff said.) I feel WAY more comfortable hanging out with people way younger than me, or at least I did when I lived in Savannah. I'm not so sure about that playing out again here. Music wise, I still listen primarily to electronica and little else.

I guess the important thing is that I definitely don't feel on the inside like my age. I'm not even sure if 24 is where I feel like I am. It could be more like 18-20, for various reasons. I don't really feel like I've done much to be considered "responsible", since my credit is horrible and I'm not very good at paying bills on time (or ever.) I'm still trying to figure out fairly basic human interactions, especially with women, that other people managed to figure out in their teens. I'm trying to be completely OK with who I am and where I am in life, but it's difficult at times. That I'm OK even more than 50% of the time is nothing but a miracle at this point!

I'm in!!!

2011-05-23T17:43:00.000-05:00

Last week I applied to the University of Wisconsin as a visiting student, so I could take the language classes I need to later (fall 2012) try to transfer in as a regular student to UW (I didn't want to take French or Spanish.)

Just got the word this morning that I was accepted! I'm not 100% sure, but I think this bodes well for getting in as a regular student next year. :-)

May: the good, the bad, & the incredibly ugly

2011-05-22T21:46:00.002-05:00

The good: finished the school semester strong, by getting straight A's and landing on the Dean's List. I didn't know tech schools had Deans, so I was doubly surprised. Things are going VERY well with school, and that should put me on track to transfer to UW by the fall of 2012. If I can bang out some things this summer, I might have an easier path than I had anticipated.

The bad: not blogging, and not really feeling a whole hell of a lot of motivation. I still have some emails I need to follow up on too. Sorry, I've just been so burnt out by the good and the ugly that I haven't logged in to blogger in a while.

To make things worse, I woke up to find my external hard drive no longer working. This had all the information from two previous computers, so I just lost about 12 years worth of work. Music, documents, pictures, emails... gone. The estimated price to have the data potentially retrieved? $1000-1200. Ouch.

The ugly: so much for having some things figured out. I crashed and burned hard on a few situations with women in the past month. I won't go into details, since it's been since the end of April, but I've now gone the complete opposite direction with where I see things. I used to assume that no one had any interest in me, dating/attraction wise, since I never saw ANY signals of interest. Now that I understand what to look for, I think I'm seeing it everywhere. I guess that's better, but I got my hopes up in a couple situations, and a couple others that I simply don't have a clue what to do. I still have a ways to go, as evidenced by today's faux pas.

I was doing some shopping for shorts today, and this super cute girl walks all the way across the store to come up to me to ask for help with something. If I had the processing ability to handle this, I wouldn't have said "uhhhhhh... I don't work here" and probably would have said something witty, plus I would have immediately realized that there is almost no way someone could have thought I worked at Old Navy the way I looked. At least I know why I instinctively say stupid shit like that (not fast on my toes and I was caught a little off guard), but it's still frustrating as hell that this continues to be a problem. I guess some "practice" on potential social situations is in order...

Sleep link & my sleep story

2011-04-27T19:50:00.001-05:00

I just found this blog which is pretty good, and in particular this article about Asperger's and sleep issues:

http://asdhelp.wordpress.com/2010/11/24/catching-zzzs/

I used to have significant difficulties with sleep, leading to a diagnosis of having a Circadian Rhythm Disorder earlier this year. This is one of many co-morbid conditions that typically appear with AS, according to many people in the community. Anyway, I have had many "cycles" where my sleep will gradually shift itself forward or backward overtime, to the point where I will be sleeping all day and will be awake all night. It will then shift back again a few weeks later, such that things seem to be back to normal and I can be "amongst the living" again. If only it was that easy though...

My troubles in this area started in middle school, though there were hints of it before that (I vaguely recall it being difficult to get in even in elementary school.) It got really really bad in high school, and with some of the social difficulties that were piled on top of it, it created a situation where I really had no motivation to try to fight it. The two things converging made it almost like I was paralyzed from such extreme tiredness - I simply couldn't get out of bed (this led to the idea that I was "depressed".) The sleep issue was at the core of my failures in high school, academically and socially.

It got worse after high school, and caused me to delay that transistion to full time work that many of my peers were making. I simply could not hold down a job that required me to get up "early" (at this stage, anything requiring me to be somewhere before 10 am), so I didn't even attempt to find that kind of work. Later, I did find myself in a position that I thought would be good to try to "grow up" and do the adult thing, but I failed miserably at it, and was let go... by a friend who I had known prior to working there (who brought me on). So, back to part time/retail hours I went for the next 5 years.

After moving to Savannah, I got stuck in a job in the construction field, so here I was again attempting to do what seemed to be the impossible. It turned out OK because the job started "later" (8 am) than most job sites, because it was a hotel renovation that didn't want work noise prior to 8 am. I had my moments there, but generally did OK. Sadly, that job finished a few months later, and that stuck me into the world of having to be at work at 7 am (or earlier) the rest of the way. It didn't take long after that to find myself having major problems with getting to work on time, leading to social pressure amongst my co-workers, which just snowballed my frustrations. I started having some problems with sleeping super super late, and I got extremely distraught over it, causing me to essentially (but not exactly) give up on work when I realized I just couldn't get up anywhere near close enough to on time (like 4 hours after the shift started). This started a series of firings due to pretty much abandoning the job, something like 5 straight jobs IIRC.

Today, having gotten a correct diagnosis and following a melatonin regimen has largely corrected the problem thus far. Granted I don't have to wake up at 6 am and be anywhere by 7 am, but I do find myself quite able to get up that early. I think I've had maybe 2 or 3 days where I've gotten up, looked at the clock, and gone "whoa! where did all my day go?!?!" Keeping a fairly consistent sleep schedule has certainly helped (no going out on the weekends, not there's much to do past 10 pm anyway) while taking melatonin in this type of manner:

.3 mg at 7:00 (+/1 an hour)
.6 mg an hour later
1 mg an hour after that
3 mg an hour after that
6 mg only if I'm still up 2 hours past my 3 mg dose, which doesn't happen often.

I'll have a much tougher school schedule this fall, when I will have to leave the house an hour earlier than I have been. That will be after a "summer of rest", where I don't have to be to class until 10am, Monday through Thursday. I hope to report back this December to say that I had success that semester just like I have had success this semester. :)

This class is killing me...

2011-04-25T23:17:00.001-05:00

I'm not really sure how or why I ended up taking this "Cultural Anthropology" class, other than it was at a time that I had open. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it sounded even better when I realized it was the transfer equivalent of ANTHRO 104 at UW (ie counts towards 2 requirements with 1 class!), but this class has been a real PITA for me in the last few weeks. I'm rocking an A in it thus far, but we spent a good chunk of the semester not in "cultural mode" but in a "general anthropology mode" before we could dig into cultural ideas.

The past few weeks have thrown 2 assignments at me that are my achilles heel: writing essays based on videos. Couple that with having to look at two different groups of people and write on the "wh" questions (who, what when, when, and especially why), and this could be potential disaster. Luckily it hasn't sent me into panic mode yet. I do have a MAJOR problem with watching videos and interpreting them, but this class has given me a "lens" to look through, which certainly helps, but it's still a bit hard for me to watch someone and come up with an idea as to why they are doing what they are doing.

I'm about to try to bang out an essay on the Achura people of Ecuador and what's been happening to them due to globalization (notably the impact of oil exploration.) I'm not really sure if I get it, or if I'm even asking (and answering) any "why" questions. I see plenty of "what" they are doing, after watching the video 5 times now, but I'm not sure if I'm hitting the crux of what this class is about (why cultures are the way they are.) I'm interested in anthropology (a possible minor, maybe in medical anthropology?), but I'm fairly certain that I will never be doing anything in the cultural anthropology field.

Whatever the case may be, this has been a great experience and has pushed me to be a better writer - which has helped me spur me on to write more blog posts. :-)

A new assignment (one more book...)

2011-04-24T23:34:00.002-05:00

So it's not really an "assignment", but a suggestion I got from Glenis last week. She said she went to an Autism Society of Georgia event, where the keynote speakers were a couple who both read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People", before they met, but read it like it was a manual.

That's an interesting twist on trying to read it, which might make it more interesting. I bought the book many years ago, even before I has ever heard of Asperger's, but had difficulty with the premise of the book. It felt fake to me, so that made it hard to swallow and keep pushing forward. It also didn't help that in my early 20's, I really wasn't much of a reader. I bought the book at some point between 1995 and 2000, but according to the furthest bookmark, I only read about 40 pages. I just read 30 pages today alone!

This time around I'm going to look at like a reference to succeeding with people. It still won't help much with the non-verbal part of communication, but at least it should help greatly with dealing with people in a way that they might like better. I can already see some things I might be doing wrong, mainly with my own attitude (which needs some adjustment.)

Song Of The... Night?

2011-04-24T03:12:00.000-05:00

FML

New book purchase & a clarification

2011-04-23T23:54:00.002-05:00

I went to another meeting tonight, making it two in two nights. I had a thought during the meeting as I was mentally screaming at this blowhard who spent half the meeting talking about himself, that I'm not knocking this particular 12 step program. I'm sure it could come across like I think it's a load of crap, but I want to make sure that I'm clear on this. The program itself has saved my life, and I'm fairly certain that I would not be sitting here writing this if it didn't exist. The program itself is definitely not the problem.

My annoyance stems from people that are in the program, mostly where I am living now (but these types are everywhere.), as opposed to the program itself. What irritates me is people who twist the program to have a narrow minded view of how it's supposed to work, especially those who like to preach that you have to do X, Y, and Z or else you're going to be drunk before the weekend is over.

Another annoyance is the people who take the program and get all pretentious about it. I hear a lot of people raving about how such-and-such a meeting is a "good meeting", and this is usually said in such a way that's combined with the slogan "stick with the winners." A good meeting is when someone hears a message of hope and recovery, and believe it or not... this happens at meetings that some of these people wouldn't dare step foot in (and if more people weren't such fucking snobs, it might happen more often.) I see a lot of that here, but this happens everywhere.

I think you get the point, right?

I just want to make sure that people see that there is a difference between the program and what people do with it. The best advice I can give if you're in a position of attending meetings of a 12 step program, is to go to as many meetings as you can and find the ones that work for you (whatever that might be.) Don't let anyone tell you what meetings are good and what are bad, find out for yourself.

I just picked this book up last night. I hope to buzz through it fairly soon, and write up a review. I'm not really sure how to do a book review though, so we'll see how that works out. Here it is:

Recovery vs Aspergers, a battle I seem to be losing.

2011-04-23T01:20:00.000-05:00

I've been on hiatus from 12 step program meetings for almost a month now, maybe a little bit more, as I've been in a bit of a "get the fuck away from me" phase where I just don't have the mental & physical energy to deal with interacting with anyone. However, I may be coming out of that phase, and am feeling like having some friends around would be nice. This brings up a few problems that I've had running through my head lately, as well as some things I've seen happen to other people.

One of the suckiest things I see among people in 12 step programs is the tendency to shun people who aren't actively doing the same things as everyone else is doing. If someone stops going to meetings, people tend to stop calling or hanging out with those people. This happened to a couple friends of mine down south recently, I've seen it happen to people up here, and it's definitely happened to me here and to a lesser extent in Savannah as well. It's like the biggest scare tactic there is, to warn people of what happens when someone stops going to meetings, and I don't buy it one bit, or at least not as a blanket statement anyway.

So that's an issue that seems to be one of a few areas between the two conditions that seem to be diametrically opposed to one another, and this is causing me an incredible amount of stress in my life. I'm not 100% sure about this, but I don't think anyone gets what this is doing, not even people who know about my AS.

Sometimes I just am absolutely in need of a breather, and need some downtime in isolation for a little while. It may be from any number of sources, but I think a lot of it is coming from trying to pretend to be normal around people, and that is incredibly exhausting. It's even worse when I'm failing at it. The problem here is that from an AS angle, this is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged. From a 12 step angle, I've been told it's the worst thing in the world that I could do. I hear that "isolating isn't healthy" or "a problem shared is a problem halved", amongst other things that are said to encourage one to stick to going to meetings. There are other much less tactful things I've been told, like you're being immature, hiding from everyone, not being accountable, et cetera. With friends like these...

I recently realized that with this one particular meeting, if it wasn't for a few of my friends going there, there is no fucking way in hell I would go to this meeting (especially if it means driving as far as I have to to get there!) I've pretty much been going to this meeting (at least until I stopped going) solely for social reasons. I'm not going there to help someone, not at all. I want to, but there are some things going on that are making it nearly impossible from a subject matter standpoint (that I don't have any relevant experience with), so I can't share much of anything, and that makes me feel useless. So... from an AS perspective, I'm going to at least attempt to be social and build some relationships - definitely a good thing. From a 12 step angle, I'm pretty much being about as selfish as one can get. How the fuck do I rectify this in mind, especially when I factor in the converse situation (when I don't want to go). It's like I'm damned if I do go, and damned if I don't go...

To top it all off, one of the biggest stumbling blocks over my entire time in sobriety has been my sleep issues. Thankfully that's largely been resolved over the last 7 months, but it caused me to miss all sorts of important early morning 12 step related functions as well as get fired from a slew of jobs at a time where I "should be" coming into my own, career wise. According to the party line, I should be accountable to people and show up when I say I'm going to be somewhere. I understand the mentality behind that sentiment, but it doesn't apply to me, due to things beyond my control. If I need to isolate, I'm gonna have to cancel. If (in the past) I overslept, it wasn't intentional, but I would get a bunch of grief about being irresponsible (if I did so now that might actually be closer to the truth.) If I try to explain that somehow I'm different, then I end up facing the line of BS about "terminal uniqueness". I don't think I'm all that different, but in this regard I definitely am. What I've learned in this deal is that I should feel bad about thinking I'm different, that it's a bad mentality to have.

Basically I've been feeling like these 2 conditions don't seem to want to co-exist together, and a recent feeling is that I've worked the 12 steps to try to help alleviate a number of "symptoms" over the years, and many of these things have faded away, either gradually or almost instantly. However, the symptoms associated with AS are still here. This has led me to believe that maybe I've been going about it backwards, that I need to work on AS issues first, and then maybe I can be a little bit more effective in the 12 step arena. I don't expect my friends in the 12 step program to understand nor approve of what I am doing, but they're not the ones living with this - I am. I gotta do what seems right, because what I have been doing clearly isn't working. Trying something new seems to be the next right thing to do.

Wish me luck!

Now I have something in my eye...

2011-04-21T23:47:00.001-05:00

So I decided to bounce my idea of tossing it out there on Facebook off a group of people on a message board of one of my intense interests. I had "outed" my Asperger's on there sometime last fall during a rough stretch in a post about some political happenings at the time, IIRC.

So I posed the question, asking if this is a potentially really bad idea, or maybe a good one considering it is Autism Awareness month. I got a LOT of really cool supportive responses over the last 24 hours, and then I got this:

I admire your openness about this. You are not afraid to stand up and ask this question and that kicks major ass. Some people on here will jump down your throat on the questions you ask on the [politics] board or on other topics but you've got the balls to ask questions. Good for you. You are very willing to allow yourself to be challenged regardless of the topic or what spears and barbs are chucked your way. [note: I get *a lot* of shit for my political and economic views] This might be a product of what you are dealing with but no matter how ridiculous those questions are keep educating yourself. It does this board a good service to have someone who is not afraid to ask questions. You're comfortable enough asking those question on a (semi) anonymous internet site. You are facing this head on. That is simply outstanding. You're not hiding from it, you're not throwing yourself a pity party, you've accepted this and are not making excuses.

It does come down to personal comfort and it's going to scare the shit out of you....but just remember, this isn't something that is unique to you and only you. Sharing your story, when you are comfortable, is going to resonate with others. Standing up and embracing your challenges could open the door for others to develop a positive outlook like you have. You've been given a great opportunity to assist others and I think it goes without saying that you have created a greater awareness on this site by sharing your story so you've already made a positive impact. It does ultimately come down to what you are comfortable sharing away from the friendly confines of [web site name]. Remember that you have found a support network here to bounce things off of if the waters get a little choppy.

Wow. I definitely don't have a clue how I impact other people, as this wasn't what I expected... at all. This definitely made my day and gives me hope that there is something very positive that I can do for others with what I've gone through. That's a feeling (usefulness) that I've been lacking for quite a while now. I'm hoping that combining that feeling with the sense of purpose in life that I found last fall is going to make my life real interesting in the coming years. :-)

There, I said it.

2011-04-20T22:27:00.001-05:00

I'm seriously thinking about saying something on Facebook about AS. I'm getting tired of hiding it, but I'm also quite leery of some of the responses I might get. It is Autism Awareness month, after all, and maybe a good time to do it.

Day of frustration & SOTD

2011-04-17T22:09:00.004-05:00

BLAH. That's how I feel today. I'm all about some positivity on this blog, but today is just not one of those days. I'm still feeling the after effects of a bunch of little things that happened this week, notably that I'm feeling a bit anxious about being alone (now and in the future), despite the fact that dating is pretty much a non-option while A) living a home and B) having to focus a great deal on my studies.

I recently started talking to a young lady, after seeing her frequently since school started. It was only recently that we started chatting, but she seems really nice and sweet. I have no clue what she thinks about me, if she's being nice or is genuinely interested in what I'm up to. It crossed my mind to inquire a little bit deeper, to see where I'm at with her and let her know that I think she is pretty cool, but then I found out that she's leaving town soon. So yeah, I was bummed about that, and then I started feeling really awkward about how we were talking, and if maybe I was getting the wrong message from her. Maybe she wasn't interested at all, but was just being pleasant? Fucking hell I hate trying to learn body language, and this particular situation is just loaded with things that might change the context completely.

What really gets my head spinning is wondering if I will still have these sorts of problems in 4 years when I'll be finished with school? I won't be a 40 year old virgin, but I won't be that far removed from that since I simply don't seem to be doing very well with meeting people outside of the 12 step "social scene", at least not here anyway (a topic for another post.) I don't know if there is something in the water where I am now, or where I was previously, but I do know that I had more friends and dating experiences take place in Georgia than I do here. I mostly feel isolated and on the outside of the inner circle here with the people I do know, and (I could be very wrong about this) it seems as if the cultural experiences of many of the people I do know here seem to be a bit limited.

The point is that I have what I think is a very real worry about what's going to happen once I am at a point where there isn't anything preventing me from dating What happens when I'm unable to navigate the muddy waters that one must in wade through in order to date someone? I know that there is a lot of time between now and then and a lot could happen, but last night didn't seem to help matters (not in conjunction with what happened Thursday). There was a girl who worked there that seemed to notice me (she smiled when I looked up from my books at her) and another that I'm not really sure what her reaction was (I think she noticed me checking her out, but I have no clue what her reaction was). That's good that there were at least 1.5 notices, as I've spent many a night going without one, but it's still frustrating.

Lets hope this is just a normal, yet fleeting feeling.

Who is John Galt?

2011-04-15T22:14:00.004-05:00

Zooey Deschanel was in a movie I watched last night, at home. I spent a good chunk of my day at the theatre watching two movies: Atlas Shrugged and The Conspirator. I <3 Taylor Schilling as Dagny Taggart! OK, I simply <3 Taylor Schilling! LOL

Anyway, I used to really hold myself back out of fear of being "that loser who is going to the movies [or whatever activity] alone." Well, not doing these things I wanted to do but was afraid to do them alone left me in a worse situation. I became the clueless guy who doesn't do anything except sit on the sidelines of life. That hasn't exactly been true, but a good chunk of my life in Wisco has been close to that, only escaping that trap and getting involved in some cultural activities somewhat frequently while living down south.

I don't care anymore. I want to get out and experience life and what the world has to offer. To hell what anyone might think about what I'm doing (or not) and who I'm doing it with (or not). I want to be able say I've experienced some interesting things in my life, rather than regretting not going and being only able to say "yeah, I thought about going to check that out, but didn't make it."

So yeah, the movies I saw today were great, and it was another step forward in pushing myself outside my comfort zone a bit. Adding some extra "spice" to life, in that if anyone asks I can "yes, I did do something interesting" and then carry on about it in a way that (hopefully) makes for an enjoyable conversation in the near future.

I have a crush on Zooey Deschanel

2011-04-14T23:33:00.002-05:00

Hi, I'm [insert my real name here]. I'm in a 12 step program. For a good chunk of my life it's been a blessing, in that it's helped me develop a number of behaviours that I needed working on, as well as having a crap ton more social interaction than I would have without being eligible for being in such a program. As of right now though, it's feeling a good bit like a curse and I'm not really sure how to resolve it or if it can be resolved while I still live here.

OK, so one of the most complicating factors in getting my diagnosis was the fact that I've been fairly social over the years since I've been in this 12 step program. If I want to maintain myself, I pretty much HAVE to be around people at meeting, and have been so for almost 20 years now. I didn't really talk much for the first few years I was doing it (ie age 16 to about 20), so it might have been pretty clear at that point that I had Asperger's (that point was 1991 though, still 3 years away from AS showing up in the DSM-IV.) It was a very slow process, but over the years I was able to become a great deal more social, though it was still very awkward and confusing to me. Through working the steps, I was effectively practicing a form of cognitive behavioural therapy that forced me to step outside my comfort zone.

First problem: as I got older in this deal, it was becoming clear that something was amiss, as that was how I came to realize that I had zero understanding of body language, and that such a thing even existed. As a result of that new-found knowledge, I've completely racked my brain trying to understand this "foreign language" and piece together things from my past to try to understand them. That hasn't worked out so well at times, and I've had a tendency to withdraw ever since. The world much a much simpler place, easier to take in, when it was just relying on what people had to say.

Second problem: one of the key steps in trying to "decipher" (through a process of meditation) what the next right thing is that I'm supposed to do, to help make sense of what is happening in life and what has already happened. 20 years of trying this, and it simply isn't working out. I don't have a fucking clue how to make heads or tails of anything that's going on around me. I'm not sure if this an AS thing or not, as some psychological testing taken when I was a kid showed I had severe deficits in cause-effect relationships. This isn't a new thing, in that I see something happening and I have no clue what it means (or if it even means anything.)

So these two problems aren't making my life in a 12 step program any easier. I've been around it long enough to be considered an old timer that new people could look up to, but my life experience has not been typical of "someone working a good program." I don't share my experience very well when it's my turn to share, I've led a life that could hardly be considered "responsible" or "being accountable" due to the sleep issues I've had over the years (that some have said are a "result of not working a good program.") When it comes down to it, I just have a major lack of life experience, especially anything considered a reasonably successful major life experience (no kids, no long term relationships, no job, no career, not even living a life that could be considered living independent from my parents.) Why the hell would anyone look up to me and what what I have, when I have nothing more than not engaging in a certain behaviour one day at a time, for almost 20 years.

Don't get me wrong, as I am NOT knocking this 12 step program or 12 step programs in general. I think they're great, especially since I would be even worse off had I not done those steps. This is just me venting a bit, that I want to be more like the people I see in meetings around me, but I don't know how to be like that. I think I'm on the right path to it, but until then there is just this disconnect between the time I have under my belt and where I am in life.

For now, I'm trying to focus on some aspects of Asperger's, trying to handle them differently than when I was trying to (essentially) fix the problems I had due to AS by working the 12 steps. It continued to frustrate me that things didn't get any better, and were actually getting worse the longer I wasn't getting better while still staying sober. It took many years to figure this out the hard way, but it's obvious now the steps can't fix everything. I hope to alleviate the frustration I've had by focusing more on other ways to deal with AS, and see if they can't be much more successful than the steps.

Cleanup in aisle 12!

2011-04-14T17:55:00.006-05:00

So I guess this is progress, I'm not really sure what to make of this. I was in the grocery store today, and was scanning side to side looking for anything interesting I needed, or sales, when this woman was walking straight towards me down the aisle. She smiled and I think she said hi to me, but I don't know because I had my headphones on. I tried to say hi, but it caught me off guard, and I think I just mouthed it without actually saying anything. OK, it caught me COMPLETELY off guard, and I had absolutely no idea what to do since I have no idea what the context was.

I kept on shopping, but she ended up coming back around to the back of the store, and passed by me as I was waiting at the seafood counter. I'm not sure what happened could be termed a panic attack, but I just found myself at a complete loss for words or ideas, no matter how hard I was trying. I noticed she had flowers in her basket, but I couldn't think of anything I could have said about them (how awkward would that be if they were for her boyfriend?)

When I got to the self serve checkout line, she was running her things through, but was facing forward, so she didn't see me. A checkout opposite her opened up, but now we were facing 180 degrees from each other. Frack. I only had a few things, and I'm pretty good at working these self serve checkouts, so I ended up shooting through pretty fast. As I was leaving, I saw that she was checking out at a regular counter (with a real cashier) as if she gave up on using the self serve. I tried to linger a bit at the front, looking at some ads in the store (maybe I could strike up a conversation about something on the board), but after a couple minutes I decided to leave since I still had no idea what I was going to say anyway...

This situation is where a sign (or t-shirt) that says "Hi, I have Asperger's Syndrome and don't know how to talk with complete strangers very well, and have no idea what is going through your mind at the moment" would come in handy, not that I'm even in a position to seriously meet anyone right now anyway (like I could really say, "Hey I just bought some shrimp, want to come over to my mom's place and have dinner?")

Song Of The Day for 2011-03-29

2011-03-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

After how things have gone with school this week, it does feel a bit like a fairytale. Straight A's... still? I've never gone this deep into a semester with that kind of performance. Also, super super psyched for the return of Parenthood tonight! Yes, I'm a dork, but am totally OK with that. :D

Rearranging some things & Song Of The Day

2011-03-27T21:43:00.001-05:00

For privacy reasons, I had to make some massive changes to the blog, but I think I was able to do so without ruining anything or losing any comments. In the change, I updated some things and created a new Google account email address that people could email me at (iamersht at gmail dot com).

I've got a bit of homework going on, so it might be a few days until my next post. I've got a few things I think I need to say:

sleep problems & melatonin (this is a big one for aspies, so it seems)
school related stuff (still getting straight A's! so far, semester isn't far away from being over)
some recent frustration with a group of friends

I think there is something on that list that's missing that's been running out my head, but must have escaped. It could be that it was replaced with this, which has been in my head since I caught it at the end of a movie while channel surfing this evening:

Questions for Max

2011-03-23T16:16:00.009-05:00

If you haven't heard by now, there's a fantastic show on NBC on Tuesday nights (10pm Eastern, 9pm Central) called Parenthood. If you're wondering why the hell a unmarried guy with no kids would be interested in a show like this, two words (well, five, technically): Lauren Graham and Monica Potter. I've had a crush on Lauren Graham for quite some time, probably back to her time on News Radio, if not earlier. Monica Potter is super cute too. Those two actresses certainly drew me in, but the show is a really interesting family drama that seems fairly realistic (as far as I can tell). It's an interesting insight into what parenthood is like, something that I'm not sure is going to happen for me for me or not.

I was looking forward to the premier long before it aired, and I had no idea prior to tuning in, but the first episode had a character named Max's, who was acting "odd" and having difficulties. Near the end of the first episode, his parents get the word that he has Aspergers Syndrome (Max doesn't actually find out until the middle of the second season). I think his character is fairly realistic, although maybe slightly stereotypical, especially considering it is played by a child actor. The director of the show, Jason Katims, has a child with AS, so he has some first hand experience with what it is like - a definite plus.

Anyway, this just flashed across my Facebook feed, so I thought I would mention it in case anyone hasn't seen this or heard about the show yet.

http://www.nbc.com/parenthood/the-experts-speak/2011/03/questions-for-and-about-max/index.php

A new non-verbal thing to look for!

2011-03-23T14:13:00.005-05:00

So I'm sitting in the coffee shop today (as I usually do after class) and I hear the people at the table near me talking in what sounds very much like English, but sounded nothing like anything I recognized. Words and phrases were being used in odd combinations that I'm not used to hearing. I'm not sure what to call it, other than "business English", an almost incomprehensible way of talking to convey the fact that I'm smarter than you, I guess.

After listening in for a few minutes, I figured out it was some sort of interview for a local media outlet (I think). I feel bad for the poor guy, because one of the two interviewers was and condescending bitch who seemed to be going out of her way to make herself seem superior. That in itself wasnt what was interesting, her body language is what intrigued me.

Last night I spent some time at Barnes & Noble looking for some sort of "Writing For Dummies" book, but they didnt have anything like that. I instead ended in the psych section thumbing through a few things (bought "Lateral Thinking" by Edwardo de Bono) but a body language book caught my eye. It wasnt interesting enough to buy (it was also pricey for a small short book), but one thing I read I just saw firsthand.

In the maybe 45 minutes these people were interview this guy, I noticed what seemed like one genuine smile from this woman. I supposed she could have had a crapload of botox to prevent this from happening, but according to the book, if someone is genuinely happy, their smile will cause them to have "crows feet" at the edges of their eyes - and that this isnt something one can conciously fake.

I didnt catch what was said, but looked up as all three of them had a laugh. That was the *only* time I noticed this woman genuinely smile. Maybe she was just too tired to really smile from her neck being tired of nodding *constantly*? I'm not really sure what was going on, but it was interesting to see that in action right in front of me. I'm not sure how long it will take to recognize that instantly, but I will be aware of it... "moving forward" (one of the catch phrases I keep hearing that sound smart but don't really mean much).

Song of the day for 2011-03-23

2011-03-23T10:29:00.003-05:00

Loaded up a bunch of trancey tracks from the last 2-3 years onto my phone today, and this was one of the first ones to play on shuffle mode. I never put this into a DJ mix, but might have to do so if I ever get around to getting some more tunes and making a mix.