Erstwhile Muse

[MOBILE] My kingdom for a simple fucking image editor on this fucking phone....

2009-01-23T15:47:00.000-05:00

By all rights, the process of taking and sending photos on my current camphone *should* be easier than it was on my old burner, the VM Cyclops. Sadly this is not the case.

Oh sure, it's cheaper now that I have unlimited text and a removable memory card. That's the only benefit, and it comes at a pretty hefty cost. Hardware-wise, I've exchanged the Cyclop's LED "flash" for the ability to take photos with the camera closed--mhe. Add to that though the fact that Verizon's photo software blows; no cropping, resizing, nor rotating functions to be had, even as a for-pay download. Forget posting anything shot portrait mode directly to Facebook et. al....

Also, let it be known that if I *ever* run into the fucking idiot UI designer(s) that decided to make both the Send *AND* OK buttons send text messages, especially given that *both* are easily accidentally pressed trying to use the fucking recessed four-way rocker switch or the CLR button, I *will* give them a 50,000 volt Tesla enema.

[MOBILE] What I've learned so far (when it comes to mobile posting)...

2008-12-08T12:43:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems my first test for the new phone was decidedly more successful than the singular test for the ol' Cyclops I used to have on Virgin Mobile. For one, the attached photo actually came through since Verizon sends standard MMS messages instead of the goofy malformed versions that VM spat forth. Additionally, Verizon spares me from dealing with retarded, deprecated markup like the <center> tags foisted upon me by some braindead marketdroid from VM who I am sure thought they were "hip" and "cool" (most assuredly spurred on by crappy focus group testing/demographic data). As a bonus, I can now correctly send some special control characters like "return", allowing me to utilize--gasp!--paragraphs, unlike before (although it seems you need two of them together to get a new line action out of them).

So all in all it seems a much more useable system, with those issues that I have had so far being only those that can be lain at the feet of inept UI designers. C'est la vie...

FWD:Testing testing...is anything on here?

2008-12-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

As I was bemoaning recently, my phone is currently the most powerful computing platform I own (or would be if I could get the 4 gig memory card to work on a regular basis). My ancient and decrepit lappy is currently suffering from a bad case of fuxored Xubuntu which is making me ponder going back to Windows 2000 so I can at least check my email without frustration (although as a friend said "blame the distro, not Linux"--which I shall, since Debian w/XFCE didn't cause me nearly this many problems). And my main system is still out with a case of dead motherboard, a particularly onerous condition to remedy there days as Socket A/462 boards are no longer being made.
So, in the meantime I am left testing my options for utilizing the phone for a variety of new uses (new to me at least). I've had Twitter up and running for a while now in the sidebar, not that I would have expected most people to notice due to chronic lack of other activity. Now it's time to test the phone's other skizzles.

2008-05-13T10:58:00.001-05:00

There's a large truck here at CSCC giving out free Glad Handy-vacs....more to come on this later.

2008-04-01T10:18:00.001-05:00

Everyone should go out and buy a copy of the Columbus Dispatch (or visit the website) to see my mug on the front page.

Chase Tower, Downtown Chicago

2008-03-27T22:46:00.002-05:00

This message is from a Virgin Mobile user. Enjoy.
_____________________________________________________________

Upon exiting the CTA's Blue line station at Monroe (having taken said train downtown from O'Hare), one thing was certain, and that was the weather's unhappiness at our arrival. Aside from that, it wasn't sure whether it wanted to rain, snow or sleet, so it decided to alternate between them, finally settling on all three precipitates at once. The (hopefully) enclosed photo is the fog-enshrouded view that greeted us ("us" in this case being myself, my parents, and the German exchange student they've been hosting) upon emerging from the tunnels below. I say hopefully, as I've not yet tried sending photos and accompanying text Blogger via the new phone. While it's more expensive ($0.25 as opposed to $0.05) it's also more expansive, allowing for 1000 characters over the haiku-like 150+ characters of the text only messages .

Postscript:

From the Department of Standards (SNAFU Divison)

I decided to go ahead and add the photo to this post manually, since apparently Virgin Mobile uses an entirely non-standard form of MMS that Blogger cannot handle. I've also left the horrible—and deprecated—HTML coding they used, ridiculous center tags (really VM, center tags—who the hell sends emails/IMs with the text centered?) and all for posterity and as personal reference.

2008-01-18T10:45:00.001-05:00

"I'm white and I love Black People and white people Everybody here is fucking gay grow the fuck up." - Anon. CTL-CSCC(1st floor mens

2008-01-15T09:23:00.001-05:00

Just found out something dangerous to my coffee intake...if you use your own mug at the CSCC bookstore, a large coffee is only $0.55

2007-11-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

Sounds are composed of waves-I wonder if there is a program out there that allows you to 'draw' waveforms and convert them to sounds

2007-10-17T21:51:00.001-05:00

Made basil pesto orzo for dinner tonight...goddam it's nice to have a kitchen again. I needs me some intarwebs access soon though...

2007-09-11T14:45:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting in the FinAid behind a guy in a pretty nice wheelchair, and I am wondering if anyone makes a cycling attachment?

Type Fiction

2007-08-22T11:42:00.000-05:00

When Kill Bill Vol. 1 first came out, I was knee deep in a lot of typographic thought—I had just finished reading The Elements of Typographic Style and Type: The Secret History of Letters and found them both to be rather fascinating reads. Yes, I am an incredible type geek. You'd have to be to find the amusement in Cooper Black: Behind the Typeface.

Long story short—I was geeking out quite a bit during the opening credits for KB V.1 (which I have heard described as an homage to Woody Allen's opening typography, though the link escapes me at the moment). Fast forward a few years to this short yet entertaining clip of Pulp Fiction in Type:

It's been out there on the wilds of the intartubes for a while now, but I ran across it again whilst searching for links for the raygun entry, and I wanted to make sure to mention it before I forgot about it again.

A Smattering of Rayguns

2007-08-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

The other day I finally finished the inking job on the Orbtronic device shown below as well it's label box, so I figured why not dig out one of my other sketch books and scan in the small handful of raygun designs I had lying around. Now while these are nowhere near as detailed or splendiferous as the fabulous models offered by Dr.Grordbort (courtesy of those splendid Weta Workshop chaps), I'm still generally happy with the designs as they stand. So here for your enjoyment dear reader is a selection of fantastical armaments as envisioned by your humble author…

Ether Pistol MKI and Tesla Revolver MKI

Atlantean Lightning Pistol

Orbtronic Handheld Force Projector

Ether Pistol MKI

This is more the classic type of raygun emitting a generic beam of death and destruction, and having more of an Art Deco/Buck Rogers styling to it. The barrel vanes were intended to be made from UV reactive plexiglas, which can easily be had in a luminescent violet shade which would go well with the intended brass coloration of the rest of the pistol. The tricky part that I haven't quite figured out yet is how to set up a simple led circuit inside the barrel itself (with a control circuit residing in the body itself) that can be cycled through in sequence, starting from the back set of vanes to the barrel opening, preferably in an increasingly rapid variation with matching electronic hum of increasing pitch (think the power up sequence of the Dispersion Pistol from Unreal).

Tesla Revolver MKI

This was my first successful attempt at creating a design for a realistic Tesla coil based weapon. Several games have had Tesla guns over the years (the first I recall and my favorite being the Tesla Cannon from Blood), but they always had designs that had next to nothing to do with reality. Yeah, they're just games, so I can cut them some slack, but I still wanted to see something more plausible and Steampunkish—hence my joy at the wonderful design previously mentioned in The Five Fists of Science. The sketch here is pretty simple, but it contains the basic elements that I wanted: a primary/secondary coil arrangement (although they are improperly labeled in this sketch), room for the power supply part of the apparatus, and a recognizable gun shape.

Atlantean Lightning Pistol

Every good Steampulp (my just coined neologism for Steampunk themed Pulp fiction) story needs an Atlantean device in it somewhere, why not some weaponry? As opposed to the Tesla Revolver, this design is pure fantasy and flash—she's all looks baby. And why bother trying to rationally explain the weird magitek of a lost civilization? That's not to say there aren't some minor nods to reality. The amber crystal is reminiscent of basic science experiments in creating static electricity while the strange copper wire freewheel surely must hold some sort of energy storage function…

Orbtronic Handheld Force Projector

From the Orbtronics catalouge:

The ultimate in Non-Lethal Weaponry! Orbtronics patented new Quantum Strangeness Entangler Device (QSED) in a convenient handheld format allows for a variety of uses of the cosmic energies contained within! Handy variable focus ring allows for quick and easy selection of beam width, spread, strength and lifetime!

Please do not attempt to open the containment sphere. No user serviceable parts inside. Orbtronics Inc. is not responsible for possible temporal/spatial anomalies resulting from user induced containment breach.

The Orbtronic was originally just a quick sketch, an experiment in forms mostly. As it came together I began to envision what sort of raygun such a bulbous device would be. I decided it would be a sort of telekinetic/force field projection device, inspired quite a bit by some of the Force Field powers from City of Heroes. The nebulously described force thus projected can be used to encase troublesome individuals in an impermeable sphere of energy (Detention Field), or shield vulnerable devices or persons from the ravages of the environment in a similar manner (PFF, Shields). A quick, high energy pulse of force energy can be used as a defensive weapon to knock out possible enemies (Force Bolt, Repulsion Bomb). Additionally, a carefully calibrated force beam can be used to retrieve distant objects across medium range distances (sort of a cross between telekinesis and Tenser's Floating Disk).

P.I.S.C.E.S.

2007-08-12T22:36:00.000-05:00

Personal Ichthionic Study and Care Environment (Small)

I must build this someday…

This idea just popped into my mind earlier this evening, and I wanted to bash out a quick sketch to get the basics out there before I forgot them. I suspect some of this came from the large specimen jars that I saw today while at the Franklin Park Conservatory Butterfly Exhibit. In the lower hall between the Desert and the Pacific Island Water Garden where the butterfly hatchery is currently located was a display of medicinal herbs on loan from a Chinese univeristy whose name escapes me at the moment—in my defense, I didn't stop here terribly long, as we arrived shortly before the 3:00 butterfly release, which was after all the purpose of the trip. The specimen jars in question were roughly 18" tall or so and probably 8" diameter in which were suspended rather large samples of various and sundry herbs, roots and other plant materials all used in differing traditional remedies.

This is undoubtedly why the intial sketch (labeled Main Tank Design) has a cylindrical tank. As I was skethcing along I realized that short of finding a suitably sized glass tube/bottle of just this sort, actually creating a tank of this sort would be rather difficult for a DIY builder. Thus the amended plans to make the entire aquarium hexagonal instead of just the base column, which should be much simpler to construct as well as allowing me to run power from the base to the top for lighting fixture much more simply. The quartered gears as cabinet details are perhaps a bit frivoulous, but as the design is intended to be Steampunk and not historically Victorian in design, and it's a decent enough excuse to use layered brass and copper over dark stained wood, I think they will probably stay unless I come up with something more fitting in the future.

Not originally what I was looking for…

2007-07-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

but it'll do to boggle the mind for now.

Holy fucking shit, I've just had a Lakoff moment. The clouds have parted and I have glimpsed into the heart of the beast to grasp the truth behind uber-right wingers hatred of the gays. Their problem? You buttfuckers (and rugmunchers) out there aren't breeding…

But you say gentle reader, we've heard this ridiculous argument before in the all the hullabaloo about DOMA, stupid state amendments barring homosexual marriage, sanctity of the institution, yakkedy-schmackedyblahblahblah… and you would be most correct in that assessment. It's an argument that's always seemed rather ludicrous in light of the rapidly expanding global population.

That's the twist though you see, the warped lens that you have to view this shit through for it to make any semblance of sense; paranoid, xenophobic crazy sense, but a sort of sense nonetheless. It's a rapidly expanding global population, and we can't have that, nosiree. All you gays in America are too busy having non-reproductive sex out there to partake of your God given duty to spawn more honest, native born (white) Americans to act as foot soldiers to drive back the hoards of filthy, islamofascist brown skinned people already swarming across the borders of the EU in an unstoppable tide of heathen flesh.

Think I'm kidding?

We have written off Britain to the Muslims, he says. Come to America.

That is the finishing quote in an article by Johann Hari in which he tags along on a cruise for raving, aging neo-cons thrown by the magazine National Review. The relevant section is about two-thirds of the way into section four of the article where he begins to describe the discussion of Europe being overrun by Muslims because (t)he ‘European races’ i.e., white people—‘are too self-absorbed to breed…’.

So don't you see? (Cranky old rich white politically empowered) Neo-cons don't hate the gays (just) because they find their sexual predilections disgusting, it's because homosexuals' refusal to have (white, non-Muslim) children is an just another way of letting the terrorists win…

Must. Have. Now.

2007-06-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

If only I weren't so damn impoverished…

A graphic novel about Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain versus a cabal of evil industrialists (including perennial doody-head Thomas Edison) in a bid to ensure eternal world peace? How shall I put this…?

Gimmegimmegimmeeeeeeeeeee!

Written by Matt Fraction and with art by Steven Sanders, I'm sold on it for no other reason than the depiction of the Tesla Coil pistols shown on the front cover (well, that and my rampant Tesla fanboism). It seems to be reasonably priced, so one day I will have to add this to my collection, when finances allow.

Perceptions of scale

2007-06-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

A Two Value System of miniature impact.

I've been rather scattered today, bouncing around from project to project without really achieving a lot in any one area. I blame my magical super-coffee for this, even though I did my best to make it a low powered dosage this morning.

One of the projects I started and abandoned today was making some Warhammer scale terrain from what the Games Workshop studio goons always tend to call cereal packet, although in this particular case it was a couple of discarded macaroni and cheese boxes. The initial trial was a bit of a disaster unfortunately, largely due to an almost complete and total lack of planning on my part—once again, I largely blame my caffeinated vibrational harmonics for this. That's not to say it was entirely a loss. I have a much better idea of some of the pitfalls to avoid in the future should I make another attempt, and what little bit of planning I did manage to conduct will be useful in general, so I'm going to share it here in case it might make other's lives easier. It's a brief discussion of scale as it pertains to making Warhammer terrain, at least as far as I see the issue.

One of the problems that confuses some people when starting the Warhammer hobby is the fact that there are really two scales to deal with. One is the movement and weapon range scale, which is generally unrelated to the figure and terrain scale. The first is roughly a 1" = 10' (1:120) scale, whereas the latter is (to my figuring at least) a 1⅛" = 6' (1:64) scale. This is why the movement and firing ranges seem a tad anemic to many that assume the scales are the same. Under a 1:64 scale, your standard bolt pistol has a range of just over 21 yards, and the bolter gets a whopping 42+ yards. Using the 1:120 scale, these ranges advance to a more reasonable 40 and 80 yards respectively. Note that I am not stating this makes the ranges completely realistic. These distances are still somewhat short of established range of the M9 pistol and woefully under that of the M1 carbine, but they are much closer than the 1:64 ranges. It also gives some validation to the rules for moving and firing under the most recent version of the rules when you realize that on a standard turn most foot troopers are moving 20 yards at a near sprint using this scale for movement and firing.

So where did these numbers come from? To be honest, I don't remember where exactly the idea of the 1:120 scale came from, but I've had it in my head for a long time. I want to say that it was a discussion with a Games Workshop rep back when I was working in games retail or something along those lines, but I have no specific recollection. The 1:64 scale however is based on measurements taken today during the early stages of the abortive terrain project. Games Workshop has always nominally been a 28mm scale for figures, although this seems to expand a bit as years progress and each successive resculpt needs to be bigger and more buff than the last (although, except for hats—because everyone knows the guy with the biggest hat gets to lead—they have yet to be quite as ridiculous as some of the newer Star Wars toys). I figured since I was making this terrain to go with my armies, I'd use some of them as scale reference, so I went with one of the old plastic Goliath models that form the clone cultists for my Slaaneshi army, and one of the newer plastic Chaos Space Marines that will be transformed into the Castrati for the same force. The Goliath measured in at 32mm including the base—subtracting the 4mm height of the base gives us 28mm exactly, which is ≅ 1⅛". In the Necromunda fluff, the Goliaths were the ones most concerned with physical stature and prowess, so assigning a real world height of 6' to the average Goliath is not unreasonable. One could probably argue that they might even have an average height closer to 6' 6" or so, but that makes for some ugly math, so let's avoid that in lieu of round numbers. Note also that this is to the top of the head, not including the original mohawk height as all of my Goliaths have been freshly shorn of ridiculously flashy hairstyles (well, except for the Sentinel Pilots). The Marine, also ignoring extraneous height provided by horns, tassels or other evil paraphernalia came in at 34mm in height with base, only 2mm greater than the Goliath, or roughly 6' 7-8" to scale. A bit short perhaps of the average assumed height of 7' for Marines, but it's a good bet that may be a rounded number as well. All in all it seems to indicate that 1:64 is a fairly accurate scale for miniatures and terrain to share. Under this scale, an basic building unit (ceiling height for example) of 10' translates into 1⅞"—rounding to 2" would obviously equate to 10' 8" in the real world, which is probably close enough for people not keen on constantly measuring out those ⅛'s of an inch. If there's one thing all this has shown me is that my growing appreciation of the metric scale for measuring distance is well placed…

Gives the name Trader Vic a whole new meaning…

2007-05-29T15:09:00.000-05:00

The Tesla Coil

I've done a bit of research on this over the years, and as best as I can tell, there are no published sources, either online or in dead tree form, that contain a drink precisely of the nature I am about to describe. Their are similar drinks to be sure; the same can be said for a good many cocktails out there though. Therefore, in a severely belated effort to lay claim to the particular concoction below, I shall transcribe here the recipe as it has come to be in it's current incarnation.

How to Make a Tesla Coil:

Ingredients:

Vodka—my personal preference here is to use Nikolai brand vodka, as it is relatively cheap and tasty enough for mixing. Also, the name could not be more fitting…
Blue Curaçao—the original formula contained both Blue Curaçao and Triple Sec (largely because that was what was on hand at the time), but since these are basically identical ingredients except for the color, I have eliminated the Triple Sec in favor of a doubled amount of Curaçao.
Grapefruit Juice—an experimental variation yet to be tried substitutes Squirt or similar grapefruit soda for the grapefruit juice.

Directions:

Place all ingredients into a shaker with ice, shake thoroughly and serve in a Old-fashioned glass. Passing an high voltage current through the drink via an air core resonant transformer before serving is optional (but something I desperately wish to try).

You may have noticed that I have not yet cited amounts for each of the ingredients; to be honest, on the night of the drink's inception I was relatively unconcerned with precise measurements, and the ratio of elements was at a rather experimental stage. I soon hope to have conducted a more scientific test run of the drink in question, at which point I shall append appropriate measurements to the recipe. My initial hypothesis on the subject leans strongly towards a 2:1:3 ratio however…

A few of you out there may be wondering precisely how I ran across the Thought Screen Helmet discussed earlier. Therein lies the beginning of a convoluted tale dear readers for those of you interested in a little mental safari through the underbrush of your humble author's mind.

Our journey begins somewhere deep in the hidden fringes of Arcanum, which I have been playing quite a bit recently. After a marathon session of the game on Friday, followed by a trip to the movies where I got my first glimpse of the trailer for The Golden Compass (talking armoured mother-fucking bear cavalry!), I was seriously geeking out on all things steampunk, even more so than usual. This morning my obsession was channeling itself in the direction of Victorian Era (whenceforth much of Steampunk aesthetics is derived) fashion, particularly headwear, specifically the Bowler hat. After a bit of browsing online (and given my past experiences with local retailers) finding very little in the way of bowlers that were not either stage props for magicians, crappy St. Patricks day gimmicks, or pimp styled in color and trim, I decided to examine the prospects of going the DIY route. Thus began the search for hat making instructions that lead to the discovery of the aforementioned preventative measures for alien abduction.

As entertaining as the directions for the Thought Screen Helmet are, they did not really answer any of my questions about felt hat construction techniques, nor did any of the other handful of sites I found during my Law and Society class (which has a tendency to get wildly off track in its discussions). One thing we discussed that managed to pertain directly to the class material was the consitutionality of laws directing internet filtering in libraries during which I couldn't help but mention my past experiences with the folly of most filtering software. The subject of the library's recently installed WiFi access points came up, and I had to admit I was unaware at the time whether that access was filtered or not, as I had not yet had the chance to try it out. I find it rather odd that one of the top rated libraries in the country has taken this long to install wireless internet for patron use, but made it a point to give it a try today so I could report back to the class. Next stop in our little safari…the Columbus Metropolitan Library Main Branch!

Before we enter the wilds of the library stacks, let me digress for a moment to offer a brief warning concerning the path we are about to wend. Those of you who are frequent readers of this site will be familiar with my capacity to become…distracted on occasion by the multiferious informational pathways availiable online. Now imagine a second source of data input being added, a mountain of collected knowledge and information contained in a non-volatile storage medium. I had never considered this situtation to be a possible danger before today. It is perhaps best that the only availiable power outlet I was able to find for my lappy was in one of the glassed off study alcoves available on the second floor, for I believe I began cackling at one point in all of this research. On that note, I shall end the digression here and return to our main excursion.

Upon entering the library, I headed for my usual port of first call, the new materials racks on the first floor. I had a mission to accomplish, but I always like to take a look and see what has recently come in, as you never know what of interest might be lurking there (more on this later). It's also a handy starting place for almost any research no matter how frivolous due to the proximity of several catalog computers. A few moments of typing and scribbling at one of these kiosks and I was armed with a plan of attack for scaling the cliffs of enhanced millineric knowledge and Victoriana fashion; it was time to make my way to the stacks and exhume some learning!

Yes, I realize my metaphor has wandered more towards an archaelogical expedition than a safari; trust me, it won't be the only thing today that deviates from its original path only to loop back via a circumlocutious route.

I gathered the books and sprawled them before me on one of the library's larger tables. Diving into the tomes containing more general information on Victorian clothing and accoutrements gave me some interesting tidbits to ponder—the hook ended staff parasol (the image linked is totally unconnected yet gloriously interconnected all the same) in particular seems an interesting artifact for revision in a Steampunk setting—but had very little useful to share on the subject of bowlers themselves, other than to confirm the existence of such within the sartorial milieu of the era in question. The materials covering millinery were of more mixed usefulness. Millinery is the accurate term for these works, being unsurprisingly concerned largely with women's hat designs in particular as opposed to hattery in general. Despite this bias towards women's designs, between three different books there was a useful base of information for me to build up a working conception of how difficult it would be to make a hat by hand. The answer? Not terribly difficult really, were I to put my mind and some time to it. I found myself distracted with rough plans for a custom built copper and brass steamer for blocking the felt though; while the procedure may be within my grasp, the focus to complete it may not be at this time, especially given the brainflash I had upon reaching the instructions for making a fez…

I must find a way to combine the worlds of Steampunk and Tiki!

A successful blend of these two manufactured cultures derived (however loosely) from real life would be a hipster meme Shangri-La. But where to start reconciling these two rather divergent world views? The Tesla Coil described at right might be a start, being named after one of the most recognizable inventions of one of Steampunk's patron saints, while its components have a decidedly island cocktail feeling, but it is only but an icebreaker into the frozen archipelago of possibility. It became clear that to track down the elusive and heretofore unheard of Tikipunk, more research into the quarry must be undertaken. Back to the catalogue, and the hunt!

Books alone would not suffice for this research I feared, so after depositing the previously consulted works on the reshelving cart, I packed up camp as it were to stalk the stacks for every scrap of Tiki related minutiae I could find. Having thus tracked the spoor of my prey, I looked far and wide for suitable encampment—in addition to the wifi the library could stand to have a few more power outlets available—at which to set my trap. Little did I know that the trap thus laid would be more effective at entangling myself than anything else…

To the best of my knowledge these Tikis are largely nocturnal creatures, so perhaps Night of the Tiki (CML link) would be the place to start. While certainly an interesting look at some of the original depictions of the Polynesian deities in question and modern day interpretations of the same, the prevalence of many mask carvings in the illustrations tended to remind me of one of the coolest Muppet Show sketches ever starring Harry Belafonte. Further distraction was not what I needed right now. A bit of aesthetic flavor on the palette but little in the way of cultural phenomenon unearthed, I switched to Hula Dancers and Tiki Gods (CML link) in search of further tracks, but was promptly derailed.

Occasionally, depending on the way a book is laid out and/or bound, I have a penchant for browsing it in reverse order, and this was one of those books. In this particular instance it brought me first to the section on crank girls, odd little mass manufactured trinkets that I have seen before somewhere in my vast wanderings ‘cross the various and sundry intartubes. What is a crank girl you may be asking? Designed to appeal to the more prurient interests of tourists and undoubtedly soldiers traveling through Polynesian locales, crank girls are simple (sometimes crude) latex rubber representations of island girls in various levels of dress, mermaids, and in at least one instance a belly dancing harem girl with a twisted section of stout wire running through the core of the mold. A section of wire protrudes from the bottom of the figure and the plastic bubble they were often packaged in, so that it might be turned, thus inducing spasmodic gyrations in the poor (ofttimes poorly sculpted) girl's body. Apparently these were intended to be titillating, and perhaps for some they might have been, especially following the public uptightness of the Victorian Era. Today they pretty much define kitsch…

I really wish I could show you pictures of some of these things gentle readers. I especially wanted to tease a certain belly dancing friend of mine with images and information on the Fatima the Harem Dancing Girl crank girl as I know how much she loves the popular misconceptions that 30's–50's culture brought to us about belly dancing (answer:not very much at all). Alas, I can't recall where exactly it was I had seen such things before, and despite my best attempts to harness my normal google-fu for the greater amusement, my results have thus far been for naught. Even my fall back route of switching to a Google Image search in hopes of snagging a promising picture that leads to more info lead to nothing but two divergent paths, which out of sheer curiosity and serendipity I had to follow, at least briefly.

Badonkadonk (well) defined.

Path one lead back to port via this tiny linked image of R. Crumb's ideal woman—and, with the artistic hyperbole of his style taken into account, I have to say I tend to agree with the man more and more these days—which is linked yet not shown on Metroblog's birthday wishes to Mr. Crumb, and the presence of The Sweeter Side of R. Crumb (CML Link) on the new release rack downstairs. Not yet willing to give up the hunt as I had a small token of time left to me before I must return to school, I hastened to pursue the second path open to me. Now, while on the surface the image in question of barely clad women covered in pasta appears to be merely following my own prurient interests, I can assure you my dedication to the task at hand attributes this particular venue of investigation solely to Science. Science I tell you!

In truth, it did indeed turn out to be a useful lead, as the originating site for the image was WFMU's photography page. Now some of you may not recall, but WFMU was the same site previously linked to by my colleague Mr. McFerrin in his exploration of Surf Rock Classics, wherein enterprising young Nipponese gentlemen have transliterated some of Classical music's more famous works into a musical iteration more befitting the hunt for the thus far elusive Tikipunk.

While today's results may be far from conclusive, neither are they entirely disheartening. The hunt shall have to continue another day however, for now my time is at and end for such pursuits…

Tinfoil hat not cutting it?

2007-05-29T10:21:00.000-05:00

Make yourself a Thought Screen Helmet!

Dissatisfied with the quality of shielding available from everyday grocery store variety metal film? Tired of devoting an annual budgetary allotment simply to keep your brain free of alien influence? Fret no more gentle readers…with the handy instructions shown at the Stop Alien Abductions website, you too can ensure the sanctity of your brainwaves from extraterrestrial contamination! Note:the site does not mention the helmet's effectiveness against NWO mind control satellites, but as we all know they are using captured alien technology, so there is no reason to believe these nefarious rays would not be stopped as well. While perhaps not as fashionable as the Anti-Negativity Helmet—properly modeled (she can abduct me anytime) this limitation can be avoided —the ability for anyone to ensure their freedom from mental manipulation is of inestimable value.

The Neverending Torrent

2007-05-28T15:54:00.000-05:00

I've got a BitTorrent download that has had about an hour and a half till completion for the last 6 hours—it's like someone is using Zeno's Paradox on my BitTorrent client.

On a tangential note, Dungeons and Discourse would be an entertaining evening I bet, if it weren't for the fact that I'd have to bone up an awful lot to really be competent at it. And something makes me feel that playing with Zach would be akin to playing with Tiny Carl Jung…

Eng 251 - External Journal Entry #5

2007-05-21T16:50:00.000-05:00

If you could pit any two American authors against each other in a back alley brawl, who would they be and who would win?

I actually had a good bit of difficulty with this one, partly because a lot of the authors I read tend be from countries other than the United States, but mostly because it took me awhile to come up with a pairing that wasn't blatantly obvious. I even discussed it a bit with Lee this weekend while stopping by to taste some of his latest batch of bitter—which was quite tasty by the way—and he came to the same initial conclusion that I had: Poe versus Hemingway. The problem of course with that match up is that it's terribly lopsided; there's no appreciable way to describe a situation in which Poe could win without external supernatural help.

Lacking a better set of options, I struck out to the wild of Wikipedia for some inspiration to make this contest a bit more interesting than the one sided broken bottle beat down that would ensue otherwise. And for a brief time, I thought I had something that might work—who knows, I may yet use the idea for a quick short story in the near future, but not today—the reliable fall back of pulp and comic writers through the years…that's right, Nazi Paranormal Agents. Hemingway was in Paris during the liberation, all that would be needed is a suitably esoteric and well hidden cabal of Third Reich wizards, a botched ritual caused by the drunken intervention of a pleasantly pickled Papa to transport our luckless author and Reynolds (high priest of the mystic order) back to 19th century Boston, and a case of mistaken identity in a poorly lit and narrowly spaced Beantown alleyway. Don't get me wrong, Poe still ends up on the loosing end of this metaphysical happenstance, but at least it has some drama to it this way.

A far better match up though awaited me in the sidebar section of the Hemingway entry, under the section titled Influenced, listing those authors whose work was directly impacted in some way by the writings of Hemingway. Of course I thought to myself as I read it, what better match of vice and firearms than Thompson, inventor of Shotgun Golf?

Sadly in all my research I had left myself little time or space left to write, so a full head to head description will have to wait for another day. In brief, and to satisfy the requirements of the assignment at hand, I shall declare Thompson the winner of the latter contest, for three simple reasons:

Thompson's Air Force service versus Hemingway's inability to join the military. The Air Force tends to attract a slightly higher intellectually capable caliber of candidate than many of the other branches of service (or so I am told); this compared with Papa's physical limitations to service give these points to Thompson.
Hemingway was able to take an awful lot of physical abuse in his lifetime, but it brings up another aspect, namely his seeming attractiveness to physical harm. Ernest might be able to take a punch, but the odds seem likely that Hunter would simply be able to avoid it.
On a more morbid note, Thompson wins the sudden death round, having made it to the age of 67 before greeting his shotgun in a much more personal manner than is normally intended, as opposed to Hemingway's time of 62 years. This is one time where crossing the finish line first doesn't get you the gold…

Frighteningly enough, I've been there…

2007-05-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

Alright, well maybe not in exactly this position—luckily for me I can't recall anything quite this hideous ever happening in any of the retail establishments I have worked at in the past, although as Dan can attest we were certain some unfortunate instances were bound to happen involving some of The Soldiery's more ample customers and the rather substandard (i.e. the cheapest fucking model they could buy) replacement toilet that Dan had the *ahem* pleasure of helping install.

I have found it strange how many absolutely disturbingly disgusting public restrooms I have come across lately though, a trend which seems to have increased over the past couple years. I'm willing to entertain that it might largely be due to the fact that I spend more time in situations where public toilets are more prevalent; I spend a lot more time at school these days, and the one thing that students—male at least—at Columbus State seemingly haven't figured out yet are the vital skills of aiming and flushing. I'm not normally one to engage in the back and forth scrawling on stall walls that goes on in a place like that—all of which serves as further proof that it's not the internet that turns people into flaming asshats, it's anonymity—but after entering a stall to a seat almost entirely covered in multiple coats of urine in various stages of drying into a rank smelling varnish, I figured a few pointers were in order for the general populace. The only writing implement I had on me was a wax china marker which would clean up fairly easily, so I don't feel too bad for the maintenance crew, especially given the conditions of the rest of the area around it.

The situation is strangely geographically specific. The CTL seems to have the piss brigade and their incredibly myopic aim, while Nestor Hall seems to be the spawning ground of the flushing challenged incontinent monkeys that leave giant mounds of poo and tp as some primitive offering to Sterculius, the Roman God of Feces. Grand as their gestures of reverence may be, these primates are but mere acolytes to the wandering Priests of Poo and their chosen temple, the Grocery Store Bathroom. I'm not kidding here…I refuse to go into the bathroom at the Giant Eagle on High Street in Clintonville anymore after stopping there once on my way home to find a mound of crap piled on the back of the toilet near the plumbing connectors (this being one of those commercial style commodes with no tank, just piping where one would find a tank in a consumer variety crapper). I was actually momentarily stunned into pondering just how one would accidentally shit that far back without sitting on the pipe, as well as being bow-legged as an old cowhand. There was no way it could be done to my imagining, it therefore had to be a deliberate act. The question remained—why? Why, sweet merciful god why?

Of course, I'm still bemusing that question in regards to the crazy old homeless guy that provided one of the more interesting approaches to work I had while employed at the Smith Brothers Hardware Co. building. At the time, I was working an odd shift, 10am–7pm, which suited me well but meant I arrived much later than most of the other occupants, so I had to have a lot of this story filled in second hand, but it still amuses and bewilders me to this day.

On with the tale: on the day in question, I approached from the far lot to notice something amiss with the front door area (namely that one of the large floor to ceiling widows had been busted out), a lot of wet pavement, and a strange splotchy stain near the front door. As best as anyone can tell from the security tapes, which are the fullest record of the event in question, some random and obviously severely off his meds homeless guy had bashed in two large windows with a chunk of masonry block to gain access to the building, stomped off to the first floor public bathrooms, swiped some toilet paper, wandered back outside, where he promptly proceeded to drop trou on the front walkway, and lets loose with a load of fecal matter and rage that had apparently been building for quite some time. I still have two major questions that linger from this incident that unfortunately seem unlikely to ever be answered:

Why, if you are already in the bathroom, and don't plan on going much farther than the front door where there are security cameras, wouldn't you simply use the facilities provided before vacating the area?
Remember the stain on the concrete I mentioned? That was where the guy left his little present…what in god's green earth was this guy eating that his excratory waste was able to leave an indelible mark on set concrete? Is it some unique and unforseen property of bumwine that Science has yet to classify?

Alas, the world may never know…

Apparently they caught the guy some time later that day, still in possession of the liberated roll of bung-hole tissue—at least he was planning ahead for next time.

Mundaning the Freaks

2007-05-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

Morning kiddies! Let's play a little game shall we? Can anyone guess where these photos were taken?

I'll give you a hint—this is the corner I was standing on to take the first photo:

That's right kiddies, those cookie cutter new townhouses are sitting on top of the shattered remnants of the original Outlands location. The parking loop in the second photo is actually situated almost exactly where the defunct, unused front door of the old building used to be.

Eng 251 - External Journal Entry #4

2007-05-14T12:30:00.000-05:00

If a movie were being made about your life, who would you cast as yourself and the important people in your life?

Ugh…asking a red-headed male to assign a celebrity avatar to himself is akin to asking a body conscious woman her weight—not a particularly wise plan of action if one wishes to avoid a rant of epic proportions. But, in deference to concerns of time and space, I will attempt to keep the polemics to a minimum and provide a concise rebuttal to the question.

The problem with the question is the fact that there aren't that many red haired celebrities at any one time, and the follicle hue in question is unique enough to be a defining characteristic for many people. This inevitably leads to those of us not in the public limelight being compared to individuals whose sole matching trait is hair color. For a while it was Ron Howard, who is somewhat similar to myself in height, but facially and body build wise we are nothing alike. The most recent and more galling comparison—strictly for the reason that I have a drastically different sense of humour—is Conan O'Brien, a more laughable comparison for numerous reasons, a drastic height difference most obvious amongst them. Of course even Conan is preferable to much older comparisons to Howdy Fucking Doody…let me tell you, there's nothing better for a budding ego than to be compared to a goofy ass puppet.

That last bit was sarcasm for those of you not paying attention.

So to hell with delegating the role to any actor, if I'm in charge of casting, I'm going to put myself in the role. I've done acting before, both on a amateur and professional basis,and it's not like the part would be a big stretch, artistically speaking. Besides, there are some obvious benefits to taking the role myself, like finding a suitable part for Sarah McLeod in order to finally get myself some sweet sweet hobbit lovin', even if it requires a dream sequence to accomplish.

Which brings us to the second part of the question, who to stick with the parts of my friends and family. As averse as I am to having myself portrayed by another in this regard, I'm also rather reluctant to assign stand-in personas to people I know based on my own, obviously colored perceptions. Sure there are some amusing solutions I could choose for certain individuals, like getting Gary Oldman to play Hocker simply to pander to various females we know, or getting either Brendan Fraser (if I'm in a particularly vindictive mood) or Henry Rollins (if I'm feeling especially beneficent) to play Stremanos' part. Note that I don't feel these choices really in any way portray the actuality of the individual involved; in the former case the comparison is somewhat welcome, while in the latter case (or at least , the former choice of the latter case) it is about as welcome as being compared to a brightly painted block of wood, i.e. not at all.

So if anyone out there gets a strange hankering to make a movie of my life? Just wait till I'm dead please? The worst that can happen is I come back to haunt you from whatever strange secular heaven I end up in…

Eng 251 - Journal Entry #0

2007-04-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

Who do you find to be more interesting? The Hero or the Villain?

Author's Note

This is the first journal entry assignment from my current composition class, completed in class (as opposed to the past entries labeled External Journal. Note that I have transcribed this particular entry exactly as it appears on the original sheet turned in during class, and I make no particular guarantees as to its grammatical accuracy given the fact that it was composed as a single draft in a short period of time.

The level of interest or compellingness of a villain varies greatly depending on the story being told, and the skill with which it is relayed. Well rounded villains pitted against flat, single dimensional heroes will always tend to be more interesting, in the same way that boring, trite villains who serve no purpose but to advance conflict will be overshadowed by a more intricately described hero.

The true interest of course lies in those stories in which heroes and villains are equally fleshed out; then it becomes a contest of techniques and motivations. The weekly villain in an individual episode of Law & Order:SVU may appeal to me more than the investigators as long as they have an interesting rationale behind their crimes. The heroes however are far too often written as being willing to act above the law, subscribing to an ends justify the means form of justice. The writers intend for this to be a virtue, for who could contest to punishing those who would do harm, especially of a sexual nature, to women and children? For me, this willingness to assume the mantle of prosecutor, judge and jury is a greater affront to justice than the perceived crimes of those being investigated. This situation tends to be an anomaly however; even when I may find a villain's technique and rationale to be interesting, if his opponent is as equally well written, I will usually find as much or more interest in the heroes story.