ERUKU: THE URBAN MONKEY

Overcoming Temptations (a new approach)

2011-10-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

How to move on After a Break Up (PROGRESSIVE APPROACH)

2011-10-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

How to move on After a Break Up (PROGRESSIVE APPROACH)

Eruku: The Urban Monkey Reloaded

2011-10-28T04:28:00.001-07:00

There and back again, I start this series the way Bilbo Baggins of the shire started the Lord of the Rings, in case you dont know who old Bilbo is, I’ll recommend strongly that you go and read J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the rings, it’ll be worth your time, I promise you.

We start the urban monkey adventure with a short commentary on the level of moral decadence that has engulfed our country, in this last few years. Growing up as a young child in western Nigeria, we grew up to see certain individuals as heroes, we learnt to believe that this individuals can in the very least afford to live the kind of life that our own parents cannot afford. We decided to call them celebrities, whether they deserved the title or not.

So the tale continues with our urban monkey friend again, given the high rate of unemployment in the country, not many people can fault Eruku’s rumination when he started thinking about committing crime. He has done it before so it wasnt entirely new to him. Eruku needed a job badly, he could not afford to pay his rent again, and yet he didnt want to return to his father’s house in the village, where he was only one of twenty five children and growing up had been terribly difficult.

So the news broke that the National Drug Law enforcement agency had arrested a certain celebrity in the society on the accusation that he allegedly pushed drugs. This news was greeted with a sense of loss and dispair in the Nigerian entertainment industry where this popular celebrity belonged to. Eruku as far as he could remember was a big fan of this celebrity, but unlike popular opinion that didnt favour this celebrity, Eruku had a contrary view, he believed that this man was doing whatever he could do to survive, claiming that the economy was bad enough for the average man likehimself, that he could only try to imagine how horrible it’ll feel like for a celebrity who would have to maintain his status in the country. This sort of reasoning from Eruku could only ascertain a quote by a certain man that “ good or bad is only determined by the perspective with which you were looking at it.” Looking at this issue from Eruku’s perspective and based on the hardship that he has had to endure, one might be tempted to agree with him.

to be continued....

Eruku: The Urban Monkey 3

2011-10-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

Eruku goes haywire series…
At one time or the other, we’ve all done something or the other that was or is as dumb as any of Eruku’s escapades, so by chance you found yourself relating to any of the story here, it just might be your own story. The truth about us all is that we are all social psychopaths and miscreants, our only difference is that we always manage to display our madness once in a while.
In my long sojourn in life, I have had the opportunity of meeting different individuals, some with extremely questionable personalities while some are just who they are, as a result of a society that is seemingly degraded. Our focus today, goes beyond game centres and viewing centres to near death situations involving our urban monkey that is out on the loose, if you find him out there please be free to give us a call.
Eruku is a security personnel in my school, or should I simply call the place my former school, well whatever! Back to the story, in fact his duty as a security personnel goes beyond keeping the gate but ensuring that the university environment is safe and conducive for learning, so you’ll agree with me when I say that is a good job for a young man like Eruku, who has vowed never to attend university, his reasons are very personal…. hmmmmn. The university customised their names and called them “ CAMPUS MARSHAL” and each of them had a pump action (if you know what i mean) scary uh? But not even close. This individuals are supposed to scare away cult boys from operating within the school premises, but if you ask me, I’d say they are also cult boys too.
So one day, Eruku woke up and got ready for work like every other day, he looked at his latest conquest, one of the students that he had managed to get to bed, stirring half naked in her sleep. He woke her and told her to let herself out and help him keep his key under the bucket in the front porch. Eruku left the house but unlike his usual routine every morning he stopped at the community trader’s loft to receive a package. And afterwards he headed straight to his duty post inside the school premises. The day was dull as usual, with the C.S.O barking out orders from the head quarters, it looked like it was going to be an uneventful day like always. Eruku stared at his gun for a long time, thinking here was a gun that was loaded to its mouth, but if he dared fire a bullet for no legitimate reason, his salary that was seemingly not enough would be deducted, his coordinator had drummed that fact into their heads.
By twelve noon, students were scattered around campus and an insane idea or should we call it a preconceived idea now? Came to Eruku, he felt like shooting something or someone. He thought about it for a while then he called his friend and whispered something into his ear. His friend looked suddenly puzzled but later, a rather scornful smile curled up his face. Nobody could guess what Eruku had said to him.
I had just finished lectures and was on my way back home. I was trying to scope this girl that has been on my agenda for a fairly long time. But this babe was particularly stubborn or should I use the word forming? As we were almost 30feets from the school main gate, we heard a deafening sound that seemed like the school was under some sort of attack, maybe it was the cult boys that were on rampage again after a few days of peace, or was it the Niger-delta militants had found their way to our school or maybe Abdulmutalab had escaped U.S custody to come and attack us in Nigeria? Hmmn? Do I sound as if I was exaggerating? Don’t mind me follow on.
Before I could blink my eye or could say ‘Jack’, the babe I was flirting with had gone and by the time I saw her again she was like 20feets from me, fast uh? I’d bet Usain Bolt isn’t faster than that? I ran after her trying to play the guy to reassure her that everything would be fine. I held her with my strong masculine arms and told her to stay calm. She was shivering like a child thrown inside a freezing ocean and removed again, she clutched me as though she’d not let go. I didn’t quite like it, neither was I enjoying it like most guys might, for one thing! It wasn’t what I bargained for, and she was transferring the fright in her into me.
Moreover, my curiosity wouldn’t allow me to rest, neither would it afford me the opportunity to just stay with her, so I scoped her into allowing me to go and find out what is going on. I left her, and made my way towards the school gate, to ask one of the security about what was happening in the school premises, maybe they would have answers.
But I wasn’t lucky, it was Eruku that I met by the school gate, innocently I asked him what was happening? And to my horror he pointed his pump action that was loaded with rubber bullets towards me and he told me with a demonic grin that he was practising how to shoot and that I was his next target. It was like swallowing a large piece of chloroquine tablet. At that instance, I remembered the proverbial clause ‘curiosity killed the cat’ and I was dead sure that Eruku was not joking, his face looked deathly serious. I looked around and thought of the many things that I haven’t done yet in my life, and yet this sonofab*tch wants to cut it off like this. I was momentarily dumbstruck.
Just then, when it seemed like all hope is lost, the miraculous occurred in a catastrophic manner. The Chief Security Officer (C.S.O) arrived at the scene and shot a pistol at Eruku, Eruku ducked and within a flinch of an eye Eruku fired his weapon twice and it hit the large C.S.O on the chest, the gravity or is it the velocity now? Hmmn whatever ‼! The way the gun lifted the old man from the floor could only be likened to the tricks performed in Hollywood movies. I was certain that the C.S.O was dead on my account. But the fat old man just sat up and removed the bullets from his chest and cleaned the dirt that had covered his body due to the fall and he stood up again.
I couldn’t believe it, a walking dead man ‼! Even zombies don’t look as good as this, this guy seemed as if nothing touched him at all and that is scary. This dude was shot and didn’t even have as much as a scratch on his body, this has to be black magic, voodoo or hoodoo of the highest order. Eruku shrugged as if he wasn’t surprised. Then the C.S.O said “Eruku ‼! You are such an amateur, rubber bullets me? You actually think you can kill me?” in a rather gruff voice as if he was some kind of talking beast.
Eruku just shrugged and held his gun and shot it upwards warning the C.S.O not to come any further, that he was going to shoot me and he was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be so lucky as the old man was. The old man shrugged and stepped back as if resigned to fate especially when Eruku’s partner in crime started the most dreadful display of fireworks ever, the school was troubled again and I could see heads running here and there scrambling for survival.
Even though I was been held hostage, I could still see my so-called girlfriend running away on the school field. Eruku trailed my eyes and could see who I was looking at with such intensity and he pointed his gun at her direction, my whole mind suddenly froze as if I was locked inside a freezer. The situation was bad, the C.S.O though unhurt by the gun was held at gun point by Eruku’s friend and I doubted if the old man would be able to survive yet another gunshot unhurt considering that the gun was pointed to his fore head. I went on my knees and asked Eruku to shoot me instead and make me the pawn that needs to be sacrificed in his insane chess game, then Eruku laughed, it sounded as if a grown child was crying.
“ that is so romantic, I doubt if I have ever heard of something like this before ‼!” said Eruku calling to his friend to witness the show of love. After listening to the both of them jeering at me, I had sometime to think, what was I doing? What in the heavens was I thinking saying I wanted to die for a girl that wouldn’t even grant me an audience if not that she was afraid? Then I thought about it again, I was the one that brought her into this mess in the first place, if we had left when I had the chance, we would not be here, heavens knows that even I would not be in this situation, so I might as well be the one to get her out of this situation, even if it meant dying for her…. That doesn’t even sound right.
As if someone with some sort of powers was watching the whole situation or is it God now? Great question uh? Two weird looking birds flew past us where we were, at gun point, myself and the C.S.O because Eruku had left the girl’s trail and pointed his gun back to me. I think those birds must be hawks ‼! I believe they are, one of the birds dropped a dead lizard on Eruku’s friend’s head and the other attacked Eruku head long, if that aint God then it must be another voodoo from the C.S.O.
Truthfully as though reading my thought the old man said some strange words that sounded incantations like, and he swung his fist into Eruku’s friend’s face and dispossessed him of the gun and screamed something at me. With Eruku still fighting the seemingly diabolical bird, I screamed at the old man, “ I cant hear you ‼! But the old man kicked me in my ribs and told me to run. I yielded and sprinted like a rabbit being chased by a wolf. I ran so much that I missed my house on the way, I also scaled a fence that I would never have dreamt of climbing talk less of scaling.
It was all too exciting, when I finally found my way home, my friends who were not even in the film started narrating the whole ordeal to me about how some campus marshal went berserk and they killed two people, despite myself, I managed a smile. The day after, I was so scared to school but when I finally went, I was summoned to come and testify against Eruku by the student union government and I narrated my part of the story. The other part of the story was that Eruku managed to kill the diabolical bird that was summoned by the C.S.O and had gotten into a fierce combat with the older guy. But the C.S.O and his voodoo or should I call it witchcraft or black magic would not be beaten. That was how he got arrested by the other security personnel provided by the student union government.

By Ojuola Tolulope Daniel
Source: http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?...d=318119453656

ERUKU: THE URBAN MONKEY 2.

2011-09-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

ERUKU, The Urban Monkey.
Series 2.
Hey there, I’m here again and this
series continues. My urban monkey of
a friend is at it again. But this time, i
don’t think he was the one that stirred
up the trouble as usual, maybe i gave
him a little help.
Eruku was at a game centre on this
very cool Friday night, playing Play-
Station II and using his favourite team,
Manchester United. Eruku was having
so much fun at the console and he
was simply fumbling to whoever was
playing with him that night all in the
spirit of the game.
Then i was passing by the game centre
that night and honestly I hadn’t given
much thought to our little incident at
the viewing centre the other day, but
at the moment i felt a sudden rage at
the sight of Eruku’s smiling face in front
of the P.S II console.
My elder brother was with me at that
moment, and he wanted to play game,
so I just told him in brief language,
what happened at the viewing centre.
Unknown to me, Eruku had always
been fumbling to my brother before he
even met me at all. At that moment,
what happened in the viewing centre
started getting clearer to me. Eruku had
seen the striking semblance between
myself and my brother and had figured
out that, since he had a score to settle
with my brother, so it is normal if we
slug it out but then I had declined to
fight.
As I entered the game centre and
pointed Eruku to my brother, Eruku’s
chanting and fumbling subsided, in his
mind he felt that he was definitely in a
deep sh*t, but Eruku would never go
down without a fight. I explained our
little ordeal our little ordeal to my
brother and the other guys that were
inside the viewing centre. Eruku felt
really pissed off at my story and my
seeming reported speech and he game
that he was playing and started
screaming at me.
“ you ehn? You think say na only you
get brother, wey you fit report to abi? ”
he screamed in the traditional broken
English. Eruku was saying that did I
think I was the only one that had a
brother to report to? That accusation
to me felt as if he had stabbed me with
a blunt knife, even though I had no
mind to fight him, but it pissed my
brother off to hear Eruku talk the way
he had spoken and he felt like
breaking his arm or leg. But I totally
held him back, saying that Eruku wasn’t
worth a break of his sweat. But Eruku
just wont stop, even if his body and
mouth wont stop his eye lid kept
twitching as if in disagreement with
what his mouth was saying.
“stupid boy, I will teach you and your
brother a lesson that either of you
would never forget, just wait ehn? Let
me finish my game.”
I really couldn’t believe that Eruku still
had the guts to say the things that he
was saying, especially in the presence
of my elder brother. So I interfered
again to save him from receiving the
beating of his life.
“ i would dare raise a finger against an
idiot like you, you just enjoy raising
hell and when it gets hot enough you
run, if I felt like dealing with you, i
would call boys rather than doing
anything to you myself” . But Eruku
would not subside instead he raised
his skinny fist and started threatening
with it.
“ you are using cultie to threaten me?
Ehen? My brothers are cultists too for
your information. “ now cultism in our
society is not something to flaunt
around. It is something that the whole
society preaches against. That
statement from Eruku invoked a wide
array of laughter from the crowd that
had gathered because they have never
seen or heard someone use the cult
word that way before, it sounded funny
and alien to them. It now seemed as if
Eruku all of a sudden became infamous
and also a stand up comedian or
should i use sit down because he was
on his seat when he uttered the
statement.
At that moment I realised that fighting
with Eruku was pointless and a mere
waste of time that could have been put
to good use. So myself and the other
folks around started gisting about how
it is only a normal thing for an
individual to be a little disrespectful at
a viewing centre. Since the argument
started, there has been a guy in that
game centre too that had some issues
yet unresolved with Eruku, something
like mine but had kept quiet because
he thought he knew Eruku more than
we did.
We just laughed Eruku off to the point
that he got frustrated and embarrassed
that we were laughing at him. Then all
of a sudden, Eruku diverted all of his
anger and frustration on the cool dude,
that had kept to himself since, his
name was Dayo, a three year graduate
of political science from a private
university that is still yet to get a job,
Dayo was also notorious with his
anger.
“ you Dayo! Or what do you call your
name? You have joined them abi?”
Screamed Eruku. At first glance at
Dayo, you might be surprised at how
deceptively lean he looked but he
grabbed Eruku by the collar of his shirt
and lifted him up, high enough to pin
him to the wall and smashed Eruku’s
left chin with a thunderous punch. Oh!
My word even though Eruku was a
total jerk . I felt sorry for him, nobody
interfered and Dayo didn’t follow the
punch up, because Eruku just went
limp and passed out.
After someone threw water on Eruku
to revive him, distortedly and with
bloody lips, he said “ where is the
fool? Let me teach him a lesson he’d
never forget. The funny thing was that,
at that moment the pity that I felt for
him grew into regret and I wished that
I was the one that knocked him out.

2011-09-05T15:03:00.001-07:00

ERuku: The Urban Monkey 1.

2011-09-05T14:32:00.001-07:00

ERUKU, The Urban Monkey.
You probably haven’t met anyone
whose got a mind so twisted and
unstable like my friend Eruku, but
believe it or not he is a human being
like you and I. Guess what? He is also
a Nigerian. Tall and slim like any
reasonable gentleman, he’s got a face
that any lady would want to die for
except for those awful looking tribal
marks on his face that makes him look
as though he was a gallant hunter that
fought a lion or killed a bear.
Eruku is totally a sight to behold, look
at Eruku and you’d probably be fooled
that you have seen a saint, but let him
open his mouth to talk, it’ll seem as if
you were smelling the buttocks of a
skunk, oh! My God what a smell ‼!
Eruku wakes up in the morning, takes
his bath, brushes his teeth, dresses up
and heads out to watch a football
match in a viewing centre. Naturally a
viewing centre is a place of noise, you
don’t expect to watch a match in a
viewing centre and want anything to
be quiet.
In a viewing centre, people from all
works of life come to the viewing
centre to unwind and ease off from the
pressure of work and enjoy the
beautiful game of football. Nigeria was
playing against Egypt and atmosphere
was booming and lively.
Eruku wanted silence by all means and
you probably have no idea the extent
to which he was going to get it. As the
match grew deeper, Nigeria scored and
the viewing centre erupted, everyone
was happy even Eruku but after the
goal celebration, Eruku didn’t want
further chanting or screaming. But
since the goal came in, everyone
watching the match seemed to just
want to relax and enjoy the game, but
not Eruku.
Some people started screaming and
shouting and this sounds were eating
deep into Eruku’s skull and he was
feeling incredibly nauseated. Among
the screaming fans I found myself with
someone that sat directly behind Eruku.
As if he was a missile that was
launched to the atmosphere, Eruku
descended on me and started
screaming at me and anyone that
cared to listen. “ stupid man, come
outside and let us fight now? “
screamed Eruku twitching his eye lids
as if his eyes were not in agreement
with the words that came out of his
mouth. I looked at him, my brains
could not really comprehend what his
mouth was saying.
The friend that sat beside me just
laughed it off, obviously he thought
that Eruku was joking but he was
wrong. I tried to calm Eruku down
because that was the only way that I
could calm myself down too because
obviously Eruku had gone too far. But
he just wouldn’t back off and as it
seems he was ready to fight and his
face seemed like that of a bull that was
getting ready to charge in a bull fight.
As if coincidentally, Egypt equalised
after a beautiful play from the midfield
to catch the Nigerian boys unawares
and that play brought a smile to my
face, but Eruku thought that I was
intentionally taunting him as if I myself
wasn’t a Nigerian. He was incredibly
angry and would have attacked me if
not for someone that held him. I am
not a violent person but honestly the
thought of Eruku plunging huge blows
at my face really got me thinking. All
my mind could really think at that
moment was that those that are playing
the game were thousands of miles
away , but here was my friend who
wanted to fight because of the noise
or rather because hi s teaming wasn’t
fairing well.
As I turned my head to look at Eruku,
I saw him talking and cursing at the
same time. I couldn’t really make out
what he was saying all I knew was that
his mouth was moving. And at that
moment I imagined myself engaged in
a brawl with him and right there I
realised that it would have been the
lowest and stupid thing that I have
ever done in my life.

ERuku: The Urban Monkey 1.

2011-09-05T14:30:00.000-07:00