Those kind of words absolutes lock you in and tie you down into a reality that probably doesn’t best serve. Those kind of thoughts have a tremendous amount of power, but not the kind we want. They prevent possibilities from emerging. There is no creative potential there. Just the feeling of saying them can invoke hopelessness. Trust me, I get it. There are men who cheat. There are women who lie. There are marriages that fail. All of those things are true for some people some of the time. But and this is a big BUT, they don’t have to be true. Because there are a lot of men who don’t cheat. Most women don’t lie. Many, many marriages run full gear for the long haul.

Even when there is evidence to support your current view there are other possibilities. There is a lot of possibility in the word some. Yes, some men cheat, but some don’t. Some marriages fail, but some don’t. You get the picture. That’s the thing about our universe, there is “some” of just about everything. It’s like a cafeteria. You get to chose. I want some of that, and that, and that. You get to pick some of whatever you want. So, why would you chose to focus your attention on some of something you don’t want? Makes no sense at all when you think about it.

Hum…

Attention and presence are required for anything to work on the long haul, a friendship, a job, or a marriage.  With such a low percentage even listing their marriage as a priority I am not shocked there seems to be a very high degree of relationship dissatisfaction on the horizon.  Life takes over.  I get that.  However, your romantic relationship, especially a marriage or marriage equivalent, is like the glue that holds all the pieces in your life together.

Want to be a better parent? Make sure your children live in a loving, supportive home with two happy, in love, contented parents.
Want more job satisfaction and better on the job performance? Studies have shown that happily married people make stronger employees with less sick time and higher productivity.
Want to have improved health and living longer? Get a dog, and you guessed it – be happily married.

I think you get the picture.  A happy, loving, passionate, nurturing relationship is a fertile place for other high quality of life things to grow – and to be healthy your relationship needs attention – and like most things in life that need attention, if they aren’t a priority they don’t get it.  The investment of attention, time, energy and presence, in your marriage is worth it, because it pays dividends in almost all areas of your life.

How do you make your relationship a top of the list priority when so many other things demand your time and attention?
You just do it.  You make a choice to invest in your partnership, you commit to that choice, and you just do it.  Talk with your partner about your new commitment and get feed back on what that change in priority might look like for both of you.

Ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce – the cost of that is almost immeasurable.  Bad news is this, if your relationship or marriage isn’t on your top three priorities list, you are headed off the path of marital bliss quickly.  The good news is you can get back on track at a moments notice.  I suggest you make that moment this one.

And here’s the breaking newsflash… Dude – seriously – we are!  We have one of the coolest relationships out there.

Now I can here some people saying, what might seem obvious, “Sure Lisa, brag it up about that great guy and wonderful marriage – it’s easy when you’ve got a great guy and wonderful marriage.  Not to easy when things aren’t that fabulous and life’s not feeling like such a paradise.”  Maybe – maybe not.  Griping and complaining are easy to do, and honestly sometimes it feels good or even necessary to let off a little steam. However, habitually complaining about anything creates an energetic situation that isn’t likely to produce happy results.  Here’s the honest truth.  Talking about how rockin’ something or someone is – is more fun.  It really is.  More importantly, luckily, it is a much more powerful vibe.  The Universe really likes the good stuff, picks up on that order stat, and starts showing you evidence really quickly.

When my husband and I are talking about super fabulous love, and wonderful amazing life, we aren’t spinning a fantasy tale.  It’s all true. He is my love of many lifetimes.  He’s everything I ever dreamed up and much, much more.  We have the kind of life together many people would envy – and we celebrate on it, brag about it, and revel in it all the time.  I suspect we are a little sickening to be around at times.  We committed to each other at the beginning our our relationship to only look for the best in each other.  That is quite possibly the most precious of all the things I promised him when we got married.  I know he sees the best in me, even when I’ve lost sight of it.

I believe there is a secret to a happy marriage.  It’s easy.  Find the magic, celebrate it like a six year old on Christmas everyday.  Look for the party and show up for each other.  Be that couple that makes other people roll their eyes and wish you’d get a room. If you aren’t living the fantasy quite yet, pretend you are and party on.  And – and this is maybe most important as if your life depends on it, look for the very best in him – because your life may not depend on it, but your love certainly does.

So, what do you do if you get the “I just need space” talk? I’ll tell you what not to do.

1. Do not ask why.
2. Do not get upset, (in front of him anyway).
3. Do not argue, plead, or get accusatory.

If you like this guy, and want to preserve any hope of showing him you’re the best thing going for him right now below are four things TO DO.

1. Say something like, “You know, you’re right. I’ve been thinking we were getting a little too serious too fast also.
2. End the conversation as quickly and politely as possible.
3. Do not call, text, IM, email or send smoke signals.
4. IF he calls, and IF he wants to see you, say something like, “I’ve already got plans Friday. I’d love to see you. How about next Saturday afternoon.”

I know. I can hear it already. You might think it’s game playing, and maybe it is. That said, the rule of thumb is this. If a man asks for space, give him way more space then he’s asking for.

What to do during the waiting game??? Do not waste your energy pining over this man. Seriously. It’s a bad energetic investment and a waste of calories. Focus on your fabulous life. If it’s not feeling all the fabulous right now, focus on getting to fabulous at warp speed. Ideally, when he calls, you will have plans on Friday, Saturday, and even Sunday. The way you spend your energy is an investment, so spend it wisely – on you, and only you.

First of all, my advice is stop trying to avoid the hurt.  Serious sorrow can’t be avoided.  It’s can’t be measured out in small convenient doses.  All the avoiding the pain really only makes it last longer.  Facing feelings that are real – and really getting into them is the shortest path to peace.  I know it’s uncomfortable.  It’s never a good time.  However, if you’re in it, it absolutely is the right time to feel everything your feeling, deeply and intensely.  That which you resist persists.  So, stop resisting.  Not to mention, there is great, profound beauty in sadness.  Lives change and miracles emerge.

Secondly, stop trying to do anything to get over him. If you are trying to cut the energetic cords with him, your focus is on him.  If you are doing EFT about your feelings for him, your focus is on him.  If you are putting a Voodoo curse on his new girlfriend, your focus is on, you guessed it, him, and her…  The key to getting over him is not thinking about him.  Your energy is better spent learning to knit.  Seriously.  Your energy is better spent on yoga, or hiking, or contemplating your beautiful complexion.  Bottom line, you won’t turn the corner until your focus is squarely where it should have been all along, on you.

I know it sounds hard core, but it’s a hard lesson to learn.  Heart break changes things forever, usually for the better.  You get to decide how to manage it.  You get to decide how to face the demons.  You get to decide if you want to look for the beauty or hide in the shadows.  At the end of the day, or the end of a relationship though, all you have is you.  You are the only thing that is any of your business.  Get back to the business of you.

The thing about criticizing is simple. People don’t like to hear it, so most of the time they don’t. Several years ago I worked with a client who made his living teaching other people how to criticize. His basic rule for the game is that you have to build “criticism capital”. Meaning, in order for people to really hear anything you say you have to train them to listen. The easiest way to train someone to listen to you is by perpetually saying really nice things about them. People like to be complimented, and if you do that regularly enough, people will hang on your every word. Then and only then, can you offer “constructive criticism” and be heard. He recommended an equation of a minimum of twelve compliments to one criticism. The deal is, you can’t just lay on twelve compliments in a row and then drop the bomb. You have to build up “criticism” credit, over time, throughout the day. It’s called “the right to criticize”.

I like this theory. I think it’s absolutely true, and I try to work it as much as possible. However, the reason I like it so much isn’t just because it works. People are more receptive. The reason I really like it is because when I’m so busy looking for twelve things I really like about someone to compliment them on, I am usually no longer focused on what I thought I might want to criticize them for. Law of Attraction gives me more of what I have my attention on, things I like. It’s a little bit like – wow – look over here – shiny!!! I am very easily distracted by things the please me. When I focused on that I am always pleasantly surprised by how many of those things people tend to offer up.

So, I’m curious to get your comments. Try out the twelve to one rule. See how it works for you. Maybe you will still find reasons to share some constructive criticism, and no doubt those little nuggets will be better received. In the end though, I’m predicting you create a lot of shiny happy interactions and reactions with the very happy people in your life.

I can’t.

Here’s the thing.  I am only responsible for my behavior.  I try to live a life on integrity and compassion.  I try to insure that my relations with other people are loving.  That’s my job.  Usually I’m good at it.  Sometimes I fail.  But it’s my responsibility.  How people respond to me is none of my business.  In a relationship where we are afraid of how another is going to react we are perpetually handing over our power.  If I’m quiet he won’t be mad.  If I’m cheerful things will go better.  If I pretend everything is OK, maybe he won’t yell.  Reality is that kind of behavior is debilitating and irresponsible.  It’s personally crippling.  What if however, he, she, or anyone else reacted was OK.  What if not only we didn’t fear, but we didn’t judge any reaction.

I posed that question to Angie.  “If you didn’t judge his reaction as good or bad, and if you just let whatever he says or does be OK, do you think you’d get any of your personal power back?”
The answer is yes.  The answer is yes for all of us.  If we said what we needed to say and asked what we needed to ask for, without judging anyone or their reaction, we would have much more peace in our relationships, all of them.  Some might say easier said then done.  I say it’s simply not worth it any other way.  The cost of silence and placating is too high.

I’d like to say I can’t relate to that.  However, I have been on the receiving end of that conversation and it is devastating.  At first glance it feels like it’s all about not being good enough, for that other person.  At second glance though, it’s something entirely different.  Truth of the matter is, it’s never about how another person feels.  When I went through a similar situation many years ago, I must admit to being completely deflated.  I felt like I was never going to be good enough, for him, or anyone else.  Attractiveness is tricky though.  Although we are talking about “physical attractiveness” here, it’s really about something so much more Universal.  Long before someone else says they aren’t attracted to you, in most cases, especially in my case, I had silently quit feeling attractive long before.  I didn’t feel physically attractive, emotionally attractive, or energetically attractive.  This had nothing to do with my weight, or my hair, or my make-up.  It did have everything to do with the fact that I was overwhelmed, sad, and completely energetically spent.  At that time nothing in my life was going the way I wanted it to.  Friendships were rocky, work was a nightmare, and yes, my relationship was running flat – at best.  That’s really the way it has to work, because I was vibrating at such a low place.  Bottom line – I was not attractive.  I was not attractive to my love, or anyone or anything else. Most importantly, I wasn’t attractive to me.

Attracting the good stuff has everything to do with living passionately and loving unconditionally.  It took me a very long time to learn that when I’m not in alignment with my highest self I can’t be my most attractive.  It also took me a long time to learn that I want to be my most attractive for me, and me only.  Not for a man, not any man, not ever.  I know for sure now, that the way people relate to me is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself.  I also know the only way I’m feeling like the spunky, beautiful, ball of love I was intended to be, is if I’m living my best, most vibrant, life in alignment with the Divine.  The only person who’s job it is to see to it I’m there, is me.  If I can’t make me happy, no one else can.  And let me tell you, I am much sexier woman when I’m well fed, well rested, and blissed out.

So, to Larenda, and any other woman out there feeling devastatingly unattractive, I have one thing to say.  The only person who needs to be attracted to you is you.  Period.  When you’re in your best groove, everything else and everyone else follows, including the man in your life, or the man to come.  It’s that simple.  You have to feel sexy to be sexy.  You have to feel confident to be confident.  You have to deeply, unwaveringly, love yourself with great devotion before any one else can.

It’s an inside job.  It always is.

However, it’s not that hard, it doesn’t take much time, and there is one easy way to serve others that provides an instant feel good rush.  It’s simple.  Set out to bring a smile to the face of everyone you come in contact with.  How???  A kind word and a compliment are miracle workers.  Humans respond very positively to other smiling humans.  We get something from it.  We get something very tangable, measurable, and chemical from it.  So, by simply complimenting another person, and enjoying their warm smile, it’s like giving yourself a dose of feel good.  Maya Angelou says, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Even better then that is the feeling you get from making others feel validated.  A single, simple moment that it takes to appreciate one little thing about others pays big dividends for everyone involved.

My challenge for myself is to bring a smile to the face of everyone I come in contact with.  It’s easier then one would think.  Simply setting that intention makes it even easier.  Playing this game with myself makes everything from going to the grocery store to talking to an insurance adjuster much more pleasant for me.  And… I feel great, unusually great for the end of January, which is usually the time of year the darkness of Winter in Washington State starts making me a sad girl.

If you need inspiration to join me in my super fun challenge, spend sixteen minutes of pure joy watching this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao .

Edwin’s long time Executive Assistant, Anne, also just had a baby.  Her temporary replacement, who came on board two weeks ago, just became permanent, because Anne had decided to stay home with the baby for at least a year.  So, in an effort to be a supportive wife, Karen decided to stop by his office and drop off flowers for the new assistant, Madaline, as a “welcome to the team” gesture.  After pulling on her cleanest pair of sweat pants, putting her hair in a pony tail, and putting on some Chap Stick, Karen spent more then half an hour getting Ellie ready to go to Daddy’s office.  With a lacy little dress, matching pink tights, and bows in her hair, Ellie was a picture of perfection.  Karen on the other hand looked like she was just discharged from a hospital.

Upon arriving at Edwin’s office Karen took one look at Madaline, the new assistant, and almost broke into tears on the spot.  Madaline was one sexy woman.  Dressed in an albeit profession, but form fitting hot red dress, with jet black hair, and legs that went on for miles, Madaline looked like a 1950’s pin-up girl.  Making matters worse, she was really, genuinely nice, and apparently very, very good at her new job.  According to Karen, Madaline also smelled like Hawaii.  I’m not sure exactly what she meant by that, but the word exotic comes to mind.  Madaline made over Ellie for several minutes, took cell phone pictures of the flowers to send to her mom, and oozed to Edwin about how beautiful her his wife was.  Karen wanted to sink into the floor.

When Karen called me she was deflated to say the least.  She felt like she’d lost all of her femininity and had become nothing but a sleep walking baby wrangler.  She’d been feeling that way since before Ellie was born, but it seemed to get worse as the days passed into weeks without sleep or the company of adults.  Now, realizing that Edwin was spending eight or nine hours a day in the company of a pin- up girl, Karen was terrified.  She certainly didn’t think Edwin would cheat on her, but…

“This is where good marriages fall apart.” she cried on the phone.  “I am a mess.”  Truth of the matter is that was the truth.

After listening to her describe this deteriorating situation for almost an hour, Karen agreed that she needed an intervention.  When I asked her who she thought of when she thought of a really, super, hot woman, she thought for a while and then came up with Sophia Loren.

“Sweet.”  I answered.  “Start channeling her.  Sex appeal is innate in all of us, but if you want to access your inner Diva, fake it till you make it.  Would Sophia Loren go out looking like you did today???”

Now before anyone emails me about how the cloths don’t make the woman, let me say I know.  However, cloths, make-up, and exotic smelling perfume and all incredibly powerful props that help a woman access their Inner Diva.  Whatever it takes to slip into that vibe is worth the effort.  It’s not about the costume, it’s about the feeling the costume creates, and that feeling is pure magic.  And honestly, when you can’t get to the feeling, sometimes you simply have to fake it.  Imagination is our most creative force and there is nothing wrong with imagining you are a bombshell!  What would Sophia do???

I got an email from Karen today saying her best friend had bravely offered to watch Ellie for a whole day.  She planned to get her hair cut and colored, and do some shopping for cloths that played up her unusually large post-baby breasts.  She was inspired by a new perfume she’d just found that smelled like an “Asian spice market and orchids”.  After that she planned to pick up Edwin from work, drop off some cookies for Madaline and head out for a romantic dinner.

I’ve got my fingers crossed for luck on her behalf.  However, I don’t think she’ll need it.  Sounds to me like a Diva is in the house!