esoteric diversions

new home

2013-01-01T16:13:00.002-05:00

I'm trying something new for the new year

http://esotericdiversions.wordpress.com/

bam!

2012-12-29T18:43:00.003-05:00

So we get back from a good Christmas in NY and it's starting to snow but not much so we go to dinner and then on the way home, what happens? Of course we lose control, slide off the road and fuck up the front end and front tire on the Subaru. Yeah, the car that's supposed to be good in the snow. I'm guessing it's those pesky tires that they kept saying needed to be replaced, but it's not like I've got $800 lying around for new tires. Of course now I'll get to pay $2000 to meet the insurance deductible! Fucking woo hoo.

Thankfully Moe, Sandy and I were all okay, but it was a shitty night stuck in a car on the phone with roadside assistance trying to locate us in a snowstorm. Thankfully we had some friends help us out and get us home when the tow truck finally got the car.

My biggest gripe though is that the car has been sitting at the Subaru shop since Wednesday night and the insurance company hasn't come through with a damage estimate yet. They haven't even visited the fucking car. Seriously! I can understand it's a holiday week and all, but here we are without a car and in three days they haven't been able to get someone there to look at it? It's not like it's even in a hard place to get to.

I'm planning on changing insurance once this is all said and done.

So who knows when we will get the Subaru repaired and back. Thankfully I can be flexible next week and work from here - already sent a note into the office saying that's probably what's going to happen, but the next week I have to be back in NJ, it's the unveiling of my new position and I've really got to be there for that.

So let's hope things get moving soon.

Merry Christmas

2012-12-24T16:20:00.000-05:00

...*sigh*...

I'm trying so hard to be merry and it's just not happening

But for those of us who have managed to find the Christmas spirit...

Merry Christmas

coughing

2012-12-09T17:33:00.002-05:00

I'm finally just starting to get over this cold that has been dogging me since the weekend before Thanksgiving. Started out as a head cold and then turned into a chest cold and for the last week has just been reduced a deep cough. I couldn't take it any longer and ended up at the walk in clinic near our place in NY to be diagnosed with the start of bronchitis. So I'm on the antibiotics and heavy duty cough medicine and while I am still coughing, I can feel I'm on the upwards part of the curve at least. Now I just have to deal with my warfarin levels getting all screwed up thanks to the antibiotics.

Sandy is doing well getting adjusted to our lives and us adjusting to her. A puppy is much different then the very maternal (and majestic) Maisy.

As you can see, Sandy likes to wrestle with Bailey, sleep and look incredibly cute.

I miss Maisy a lot. I still am working through it. Most of my days are good, but I do have some bad days here and there and just a story or a picture can make me sob.

I miss her. She was one of a kind. I know Sandy will be too and she will be just as loved and just as special, but Maisy, I don't know how to put it, but we had something special. We only had a short time together but we bonded so strongly it's hard to describe.

Christmas is coming up...ugh...once again for like the 3rd or 4th year in a row, I have no holiday spirit.

I sold the truck. I hadn't planned it, but a week before Thanksgiving the Ford dealer I bought it from called and wanted to know if I would sell it back to them. I went in and they gave me a number that was about what the full trade-in value was according to the blue book and I went ahead with it. I feel like I'm slowly washing my old life off me and this is just part of it. Sigh. It's for the best. We got over 50% of what we paid for it (and that was 6 years later). Plus it needed tires and some pretty expensive maintenance work, so it was the right time if there ever is a right time. Maybe sometime in the future I'll have another truck.

I for one will be glad to get rid of 2012. I know it's personally sucked between Maisy, money, the truck, losing my wedding ring and so many other things. Not only that, but just about everyone I know is having a terrible year of death, loss and pain.

So if we make it past the 21st of December, let's hope that 2013 is an up year.

2012-11-14T15:09:00.002-05:00

You have to admit, she's pretty damn cute.

Sandy is slowly adjusting to life in our home (well all of our homes since we seem to be all over the northeast). My brother picked her up on Sunday evening and I saw her the first time when I got back to the Catskills on Sunday night. Since then we've basically been inseperable as I've forgotten just how much effort a little pup takes. She's only about 8 1/2 weeks old right now and tiny, but I expect she'll be growing fast and be a good sized dog (at least as big as Maisy).

I am happy for Sandy, but I do have to admit I still have a lot of sadness in my heart for Maisy. I'm just not over it, I'm not sure I ever will be.

Next challenge will be introducing her to Will and Grace when I get home tomorrow.

On the job front, I seem to have gotten screwed. The promotion and raise, well it turns out there's no money for it in the 2013 budget and they aren't hiring some of the people I would have been supervising, so what's the point on being a supervisor then? Of course there's also the fact that my grant runs out at the end of 2013 and they don't seem to be doing much to continue finding money. So that leaves me to wonder what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. It doesn't leave me warm and fuzzy.

I had told them that I wouldn't look for a job if there was a place for me to grow, now I'm not so sure, but I have no idea what the job market back in MA is now, given my changed skill sets from when I was laid off back in 2009. I've managed an office and was an HR person and now I manage an entire region's volunteer program, advocate for recreation and act as a quasi regional planner, with experience in social media and marketing oh and yeah, author too. Yeah, a jack of all freaking trades.

Not sure what to do at this point.

As for the holidays, can I just crawl under a rock and hide from the entire holiday season? I just don't want to be involved, I'm sorry.

Puppy

2012-11-10T09:33:00.001-05:00

I let it out on Facebook so it's official. Sunday evening Moe and I will have a new daughter. We are getting a puppy from a friend of my brother. It all worked out in such a way that I know Maisy was working behind the scenes. I just wish she could be here to help. She was a great big sister to Bailey, my brothers pup, I know she would have been great to this puppy.

We haven't finalized a name yet.

We have known since the day after Maisy passed, but anxiety, guilt and a fear of it not happening has made me keep quiet. Now that its all set, I am very excited, but still so sad that Maisy isn't here.

Everything happens for a reason I guess and we will keeping trucking. I know we are going to love her lots and I'm sure Maisy has probably told her how lucky she is.

buried

2012-11-08T12:50:00.004-05:00

As if 2012 could get better...our money troubles never went away, I tried to catch up, we even emptied out all of our retirement accounts to catch up, but we are right back to where we started, deep in the hole. I don't know what to do any more. The harder I try, the more I fall back. The house is killing us. We'd still struggle, but the mortgage and home equity loan, it's just killing us each month. We're like 3 months behind on the equity and a month behind on the mortgage and I can't see how to catch up. I had been excited that my truck would finally be paid off at the end of the year, but now we have Moe's car to pay off. Plus the credit cards, the balances haven't been growing, but when you add it up, it's overwhelming, especially on top of the house and the car. Now we are back to where we were, but without any cushion of savings or retirement money to fall back on.

Of course there's the $2000 I spent on Maisy with her tail right before she went and died on me.

I cannot win. I can't even see an exit strategy unless we get rid of the house, but I have no idea how that's possible since I have a job in NY and Moe has a job here and he's made no effort to get one there.

So I just continue to work. Work at my full time job, put 20 hours a week in my part time job and now I'm starting to write a book that will take up even more of my time. No wonder I just sat in the Cardiologist's exam room yesterday and told him that my life sucks.

I suppose at least my heart is doing well, but even there, I've been carrying around this extra weight so long, he says I really have to lose it or I will just continue to feel worse and worse and I know it's true.

And Maisy, why the hell did you have to die on me? On top of everything, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I cannot do anything without thinking about her or wanting to change things, which I know is stupid, I can't change what happened any more than I could stop the sun from rising, but I so wish I could.

I don't know, I feel totally fucked, dejected and ready to give up.

I told Moe we are going to our main bank tomorrow to talk to their mortgage people. I'm basically going to say we are ready to give up and we can't do what we're doing, is there any way one of those government programs can be used to help us? We're buried in debt and buried by the damn house on top of that. We can't get anywhere because we aren't even skidding by making the minimum payments.

I really don't know and I feel like Moe wants to help, but has no idea because the only way that things can help is a) we get that refinance and roll the two home loans together and get a lower payment, or b) we just sell the house and walk away. But a will require a miracle and b will require us moving to NY and living with my parents for at least a year, which I don't think he's willing to do, so I honestly don't know what to do.

sad

2012-10-24T13:47:00.001-04:00

Can't say that I'm any less sad or upset over losing Maisy and it's almost been three weeks. I probably cry at least once a day, including yesterday in the office down in Jersey in a meeting as we were talking about her a little bit.

It's so freaking unfair. She was such a part of my life, my little furry Rock of Gibraltar. I just miss her so damn much.

I lost it the other day when we had big rains here in the Catskills and water was washing over her grave. I know it doesn't really matter, but it matters to me and it upset me. I'm hoping this weekend we can put some kind of berm on the uphill side of the grave so I don't lose the mulch and don't have to see the grave under a couple of inches of water again. Freaking changing climate and massive rain storms are killing me.

On the positive side, I am going to be an accomplished author in about 2 years. I got the go ahead to start working on a pretty big project for the region and I am excited, but kind of overwhelmed too at the moment. I already know who the dedication will be made out to.

Another positive is that it looks like I'm getting a promotion. I'm not sure if it will actually turn into that (with the associated raise), but at least it's something new to work on and we will see what happens. I suppose it keeps me engaged because after losing Maisy, I was ready to just move back to Massachusetts and do whatever to get by to live with Moe, Will and Grace because it's just not worth wasting our lives apart. However for the time being, that's what we are doing and still trying to figure out a way to eventually get Moe here and eventually find a place for ourselves since we are not all going to be living with my family.

Other things are happening to that are good, but it's just that I miss Maisy so much and I can't get over it, it's coloring the way that I look at everything else.

a week later

2012-10-13T11:48:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a week since Maisy passed away.

I can't say that I miss her any less.

However, I think I am at least getting back into the swing of things. I made it through a week of work without too many problems, though I found myself really distracted most of the time.

I was also able to finish her grave and have it ready for the winter, which made me feel better and I hope made her feel better wherever she is.

I've always felt that there could be something else out there and while I don't subscribe to an old guy with a big beard sitting on a chair up in the clouds, perhaps we really do continue on in another form, as energy or something else. I've always thought I was sensitive to that energy over the years and I really hoped Maisy would try to reach out.

After a weekend of mourning, Moe and I spent this past Monday trying to go to the Fatima shrine in Holliston so that we could light a candle for Maisy and perhaps have some closure. Well we got there and the shrine was completely out of candles. Yes, not a single one. Moe and I were on our hands and knees crawling through the storage areas looking for a candle. None. Maisy was laughing at us, I am sure of it.

Then Tuesday night, I had my first dream of Maisy that wasn't of her being dead. It was a dream where she was running around with me, playing with me, being happy. At the end of the dream, she ran up to me, jumped up with her paws on my chest like she always did and I was hugging her and I felt so good and so happy. When I woke up, I knew she was okay. She had come to me.

Since Maisy had died, my brother's dog, Bailey had really been depressed and sad. You could just tell. Since she had died, Bailey would only go outside to do her business and then come back in. She wouldn't run around like she had done with Maisy. They needed each other to be "brave" enough to chase after Sasquatch when it was dark and if they were alone, they'd never do it. So Bailey hadn't done it since Maisy had died.

However on Wednesday morning, Bailey went outside and took off barking and running around the house, just like as if she was chasing after Maisy and the two of them were trying to bark off Sasquatch. Since then, she's been doing that each morning and night.

Then on Wednesday Moe calls me in the afternoon to tell me that he had been woken up in the middle of the night because he thought he heard the jingling of Maisy's collar and after he had woken up, he heard the big sigh she would do as she laid down in her bed. It was so real that he jumped out of bed to look where she used to sleep.

Maisy visited all three of us that night and I know she's with me now.

It has made me feel a lot better about things. Not happy, but better.

I am trying not to be angry, what would that do to get her back? I can be as angry as I want to be, but she will still be dead. It wasn't fair that she died, but at least she went quickly without suffering and I was there for her. She knows I loved her and I gave her more love than I thought was possible. Anger wouldn't serve me or her memory so I'm trying to look at the big picture.

It's just been hard with it being so quiet without her. She's not there asking to go out or cuddling with me, or hiding in the car as we drive or anything that she used to do.

Who knows why

Maisy

2012-10-06T16:00:00.002-04:00

She passed away on Friday, October 5, 2012.

More photos of Maisy

I'm not sure what happened, she was fine one minute and gone the next. She woke me up because she barked at a few people outside. I shussed her, went to the bathroom and came back and she was gone. She had tried to stand and just collapsed and looked as if she was gone before she had hit the floor. We tried CPR but it didn't work.

I sat with her for over an hour in my room, there on the floor, holding her and telling her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. She did. She as my girl, my best friend, my little princess and the rock that kept me sane through all the craziness of the last few years. I spent more time with her than I did with Moe and for the last three months, we were joined at the hip as I nursed her through her tail travails.

My heart is broken.

My brother eventually got home and he wrapped her up and put her on her bed while I got changed. He took me to the doctor with him to get me out of the house and when we came back, Moe had made it over from Massachusetts.

We set to digging a grave for her, one behind the cabin with a wonderful view of the back yard she loved running around, the porch she loved to lay on in the sun, the cabin she always cuddled up in on the couch or in her bed and the mountains beyond.

We buried her in her favorite bed and I hope made a proper grave site for her. I'm going to keep working on making it better and getting a headstone for her.

I just can't believe it. She was only 6 years old and besides her tail troubles, hadn't had any medical problems. I don't know if was a clot from the tail surgery that came loose, a heart attack, a stroke or something else, but it was so fast and so shocking. To come in and expect your dog to be waking up and greeting you like she always does and instead she's dead on the floor, eyes staring into nothing, it's an image I can't shake and can't stop thinking about. Plus I just can't believe she was gone. An our earlier she went outside with my brother's dog, ran around and was doing fine. An hour later, she was dead in my room on the floor, trying to get up to see me when she collapsed.

I'm not sure I've ever felt such a sense of loss. She was my child, she was my best friend and for the last two years, I've spent more time with her than anyone else. She was the one thing that I had with all the back and forth of the last couple of years. She was my little girl and my pup.

I miss her so much, I can't even describe how much I miss her and how much of a hole it's made in my heart.

Everywhere I look, I find a bone, a toy, a leash or something else that just says "she's not here now" and I break down and lose it.

Maisy I love you so much. I hope you didn't suffer at all, I wish I had been there as you went so I could hold you and let you know it was going to be okay and that we loved you. I wish I could have done something to save you. I'm sorry I didn't protect you from this Maisy, I'm so sorry. Just know that I love you so much that part of me has died with you.

smoke free

2012-09-01T14:59:00.005-04:00

Wow...over 8 years since I've been smoke free. Can't believe I let myself smoke for as long as I did. Just glad that I don't any longer, though I have to admit, even all these years later, there are times I get a hankering for one. Especially when I'm gambling or really stressed.

repeat

2012-08-31T11:19:00.000-04:00

Two weeks later and Maisy is back at the vet today getting her tail amputated again.

Yes, after a week and a half of watching her and keeping her away from it as it healed, she managed to get to it and chew off everything that they had done so in order for it to heal again, we need to cut more tail off.

You can only imagine how excited this made me.

Two more days for Moe!

We have both been suffering from stomach bug with what I am sure is stress and nerves on top of that. Has not been a great week.

new normal

2012-08-19T13:52:00.003-04:00

So Maisy's tail got partially amputated on Friday. The surgery went well, though it did cost like $650, which was just such a wonderful addition on top of everything else.

Moe's last day at the store is coming up soon. It is still hard to believe that he is leaving after all these years and I know this is the right thing, but the future job situation afterwards is still a bit in the air and I'm not sure how things are going to work out in the short term.

In the long term, it seems pretty well set that the house is going to go on the market and we'll be living in the family compound in NY until we can pay off debt and get back on our feet. At this point I think we can at least bring in slightly more money for the house than we owe, but we'll still have plenty of bills to deal with. If we can just stick it out for a year or two with my folks, then we can find something of our own in NY and start over.

Start over...sigh...

Though at this point, I think that's really the only solution. Live and learn I suppose.

winds of change

2012-08-11T18:59:00.001-04:00

So...

Moe put his 4 week notice in. His last day at his store will be the 31st. There are plenty of reasons for this. Lack of upper management guidance, the wearing down of him in the food business, the lack of any growth potential, and plenty of other things. Mostly though it was time for him to move on and I am glad he did. I just wish we had better plans for moving ahead. There's a fail safe job for him (at lower pay) and there are a few other options at higher pay that could lead to better things, especially one that would bring him to NY and we'd be able to live together full time again.

So I guess we just wait and see what happens. Everything should shake out over the next few weeks.

I am excited for change, but it scares the crap out of me.

In other news, the fiscal situation hasn't gotten any better. If anything, worse. Sigh. This obviously won't help.

runaways

2012-07-23T10:46:00.000-04:00

Can I just say how excited I am that there's a new single from The Killers out?

Not only that, but the single rocks.

We all need some diversions once and a while.

For being penniless and stressed, I had an amazingly good weekend. On Friday, Sherrie and Moe's Mom took Moe out for his birthday (and me even though it wasn't my birthday). We had dinner at New England Steak and Seafood which has great prime rib and even better, had a Bottle Blowout Sale, so by the time we left dinner, I was wobbling back and forth.

Saturday was off to do customer service crap, but it wasn't that bad. Then since Moe was working all day, I went to Twin River where for some reason they now give me $100 in freeplay so I'm not one to turn that down. I went and spent a few hours playing on their money and left without anything, but without spending anything either.

Yesterday I was the good housewife for Moe. I did laundry, cleaned and cooked. Sherrie had given us a huge zucchini and I grated it up for bread. Got 5 batches out of it. Made one batch which makes two loves and froze the rest so I can make bread the rest of the summer.

Of course, reality intrudes here and there. Weird week for me. I go back to NY tonight and then in NJ tomorrow. Will be working in the Catskills on Wednesday, but then coming here Wednesday night most likely since my weekend will be Friday and Saturday since I have to be working on a trail crew thing on Sunday.

At least I got a weekend to float.

sleep

2012-07-18T13:15:00.001-04:00

Apparently finally getting a good night's sleep last night meant today was going to suck.

I'm getting text after text from Moe telling me that he's going to put his two week notice in without having another job because "it'll get him to do something else."

Okay, I understand that, but I come from the school of if you have a job, you don't get rid of that job until you have found a new job. You just don't leave a job, even if you don't like it.

I am trying to be supportive but I am having trouble taking these 90 degree turns every day.

hot

2012-07-17T17:12:00.000-04:00

Driving back from NJ today, there was a car fire that closed the thruway northbound, which I was on. I basically sat in the Honda, without any a/c (since it's broken) as it was about 95 degrees outside and god knows how hot inside the car for almost half an hour.

really?

2012-07-12T16:18:00.000-04:00

Really Universe, really?

Maisy injured her tail about 2 weeks ago by yanking out some hair and making a sore. In order to clean it and be able to wrap it, I shaved some of the hair off.

Big mistake

She started chewing it more to the point of disappearing flesh

I took her to the vet last Friday and spent what little money I had to be told to put a cone thing on her and to give her antibiotics.

She has managed to continue to chew at it even with the cone and now I think some bone is peaking through.

Having no money or access to it at the moment, what the hell am I supposed to do?

bite me

2012-07-09T15:50:00.002-04:00

Moe and I each have ROTH IRAs at Edward Jones that we had religiously saved away in better times. Unfortunately bad times have depleted those savings to the point where there's a few hundred dollars in each account, which we hadn't closed because we though, well maybe we'll start saving again. With our current bad times continuing, I figured what the hell, we'll just close them and use that like $600 combined to get a month or so ahead on the car payment - no big deal, right? Nope, Edward Jones has a $95 account closing fee and so we'd lose about a third of each account to a fee.

It's their shtick and I understand that, but that sucks.

So the money will continue to sit there.

I've been contemplating moving the little that we have in regular IRAs over to Charles Schwab. I appreciate Edward Jones for the fact that it protects me from myself and that I have to actually speak to someone to withdraw money from accounts that shouldn't be withdrawn from (cough...retirement...cough), but I'm getting tired of being nickel and dimed. There's the fees associated with trades and there are maintenance fees elsewhere. With Schwab, which I've had a small personal brokerage account for ever, everything is practically free. Now I wouldn't get a person to work with me, but I usually go into my meetings at Edward Jones already knowing what I want to do and telling the person to do it, so that wouldn't be a loss. The downside is losing having to talk to that person to raid the retirement stash. On Schwab all it takes is a few clicks and money is on its way - no personal interaction or feelings of being ashamed needed.

Who knows, but this fee is pissing me off, of course I'd have to pay it for both the regular IRAs we have too if I transferred them to Schwab.

It's just illustrative of my life right now I suppose. Getting fucked wherever I turn and I'm not a big old bottom who loves that, so it sucks.

The job situation with Moe seems to have leveled off. He is looking and exploring options at his part time thing and looking elsewhere, but there will be no quitting without having a new job lined up. They seem to be just doing their normal oblivious boss thing so what he thought was them pushing him to quit was just them being typical jerky types.

The money situation...Moe's part time job is covering all his expenses so that saves some money and he has paid a few bills so that is helping. It's just that there's not enough to go around. We eeked along for so long that it's all catching up to us, mortgage, home equity, all that travel back and forth to NY, credit cards and whatever else.

House wise, who knows. Depends really on what happens to Moe and his job. I'm of the mindset to just sell it and live in NY at my family place for a year to get back on our feet. I think we could break even on the house, which doesn't help the rest of our debt, but not having that mortgage and home equity payment for a year, we could tackle just about all the other bills. Of course that would mean living at my family place with my family there on and off with Moe and we're all squeezed in and they would be building a new house on the same property for themselves to retire to. Would just be a big old party! But it might be the best solution at this point.

Of course there's family baggage on Moe's side if we try to sell the "family house" even though none of them have visited it in the 6 years we've owned it. Of course, they would eat it up if the "faggots" who bought the house ended up selling it and taking it outside the "family." I guess we take it one step at a time.

There's always renting it too...but I'm sort of wary of that...what if you get the tenant from hell?

I just hate that after 6 years of pouring ourselves into the house and improving it like mad, we break even. Kind of feels like a failure and a waste.

Been a down summer even though the weather has been great too. I don't know. I think back to our summers together, having friends over, having good times, enjoying our lives together. Now Moe and I barely see one another - literally I was back for 4 days last week and I saw him for one day. We never see any of our friends, no one has parties or even get togethers. I just feel so lonely all the time and adrift. Need to find a home base again.

Off to check some trails...woo hoo...

Need to get back into shape...been huffing and puffing this summer.

Wits end

2012-07-06T01:49:00.001-04:00

Good god things seem to be going from bad to worse. The money situation is worse. Moe's about to quit or get laid off depending on the day (strike it up to him finding out he had a snowballs chance in hell of advancing higher) and oh there's more.

I really don't know what to do. I've been able to manage, to find solutions but I can't do it. I don't know what to do. I'm worried and just feeling so awful. Never mind how moe feels because I'm sure that's worse. He put all those years in and is getting spit on at the moment.

We seem to be in every hole imaginable at the moment. God help us.

randomized

2012-06-27T11:49:00.000-04:00

So best laid plans always go awry I suppose. After Moe and I thought we had decided that I would bite the bullet and perhaps just go back to being an office manager like I was before taking the job in NY, so that we could live together in MA, he has a meeting with them about his growth potential and it was the same old line of shit that they've been feeding him for the last several years. Basically it's learn how to break the rules to make us look more profitable and do that for a year and then you can be a supervisor. Great work ethic there folks, but that's how they operate. I knew that and I could live with it in the back office but I think something about how they said it and what they said finally got into Moe's head and made him realize just how much like vultures the entire operation is, right from the top down to this owner's company. They suck the life out of you, chew you up and spit you out.

Now I realize that's a lot of companies, but I think the restaurant business and specifically Moe's company have it down pat. I've been trying to tell him for years it has just been sucking the life out of him.

So now it seems that the goal is for him to find something else that ultimately leads to NY. He's putting feelers out at his part time job and I'm seeing what I can do here.

That of course still leaves the problem of the house, but I've told him to talk to a family realtor friend and see if she can give us the rundown on what we'd need to do if we were going to rent it. There's no real sense in selling if we're going to lose money and if we can rent for roughly the mortgage payment, there's no skin off our backs on it. I'm sure it'll be something of a pain, but I'd rather not just throw away such a huge asset.

Of course, it would be nice if we could afford to pay the mortgage right now. Each month is a freaking struggle, especially after the winter of thousands of dollars of car repairs which culminated in Moe getting a new car and a new car payment. It's hard. Each month I look at the bills and pay what I can, trying to keep his credit up while mine goes to shit, and trying to make sure that the mortgage and home equity get paid in a semi-reasonable late manner. Oh well.

still trucking along

2012-06-14T12:30:00.003-04:00

Think I was otherwise occupied these past few weeks?

My full two week stretch was pretty much filled with working and when I wasn't working, I was working, so I tended to stay away from computers when I didn't have to be near them.

Meetings, workshops, trips to NJ and NYC...sigh...I hate running around and I did a lot of that. Just the other day I had two meetings (one in the morning, one in the evening) in the same place, but no way to spend the 5 hours between them so I had to go back and forth twice. Woo hoo.

On my way back to MA though and it will be so nice to be home again after being away for so long. Moe and I are on vacation together next week. First few days we'll be spending at MGM Grand where we will be drinking cocktails and enjoying the pool. The rest of the week is a bit more free form, but I am sure we'll have fun.

Tan

2012-05-28T11:44:00.001-04:00

I may have been in the sun a little too long yesterday. Lobsters look out!

Been dog sitting for Sharon. Nothing better than picking up dog poop when it's not your dog. Actually for an ancient dog, pepper does quite well and I got to lounge at her house and watch tv as Moe worked the majority of the weekend that he knew I'd be home for at least two months in advance.

How's that for passive aggressive blogging?

My favorite though at the moment has to be that after cashing out the vast majority of our retirement money to pay off debt last year, that money is gone and we're just as much in the hole thanks to all the traveling back and forth between NY and MA and everything else. We're fucking screwed. I look at the bills each month and each month it becomes more and more ridiculous. I have no idea what to do.

Today we are both home and working around the house.

Vacation is like three weeks away and no destination has been chosen. The only prerequisite is that it's inexpensive but I'd sure like to have some plans.

Oh well. Off to house work! Woo hoo!

glowing

2012-05-18T16:44:00.002-04:00

As I was getting injected with the radioactive tracer for my nuclear stress test, they asked me if I was going to be doing any major traveling in the next 24-36 hours. I smiled and said no, thinking about the chaos that it could create if someone with a radioactive substance in their bloodstream tried going through airport security. I'm glad I'm not that person and that the tracer is hopefully already out of my system.

That said, the stress test kind of sucked. Well, every stress test I've had, I can't say that I really liked. Who wants to run on a treadmill and have it go faster and steeper every three minutes without stopping? Not me, especially as I am fighting another god damn head cold. This one is nowhere near as bad as the one I had in March, but it's a pain in the freaking ass. I didn't run as long as I have in the past and they are like "do you want to keep trying" and I was like "hell no, I'm about to burst out coughing."

Anyway, I reached the required levels for my heart and the results of the imaging came back yesterday with a gold star - no signs of any blockages or any potential blockages floating around my crooked arteries.

Did something that I didn't think I would on Wednesday too. I was back at my old office picking up supplies when I pulled my boss aside and told her that if she wanted to present to the owners the idea of me coming back as a secondary office manager because they are expanding, that I would go for it, if the money was decent. I know, I like working in NY. However I like being with Moe more than having a good job I've come to realize. Plus in the end, we really are paying to have me work in NY when you factor in gas, wear and tear on cars and the like. Not only that, but we can't really sell the house and use the proceeds to get out of debt so we could live in NY since there'd be no profit to use to pay off debt.

So the next best thing is that I just come back to MA and we make due. Eventually the house will go up in value, we can sell it, make a clean break and do something else that we both want to do. I still think it would be cool to up and sell everything and move out west somewhere and just start over. Scary as all hell, but it would be exciting and if we didn't have anything holding us back, why not try?

Not that I know if anything will come of it, they might not be interested, but I know my boss was, so we will just wait and see what happens. I said nothing could happen until the winter at the earliest.

I just can't do the apart thing with Moe. He and I being together and being a family together is more important than having the perfect job or having more money to me.

circle

2012-05-14T11:41:00.003-04:00

Came down Friday to go to Vermont Saturday. Bit of a misfire there and Moe and I went up on Saturday morning (starting at 5am) and then ended up driving down after the Alumni meeting was over (so it was a 5am to 10pm kind of day). Spent Sunday at Moe's Mom's house and then went to Foxwoods with Sharon. Late night. Now leaving to go back to NY so I can go to NJ tomorrow. Then have to come back here tomorrow night because I have a stress test (a nuclear one to boot!) on Wednesday morning.

Bad planning on my part.

I feel like taking a few ambiens and sleeping for a few days to catch up.