esoteric diversions

glowing

2012-05-18T16:44:00.002-04:00

As I was getting injected with the radioactive tracer for my nuclear stress test, they asked me if I was going to be doing any major traveling in the next 24-36 hours. I smiled and said no, thinking about the chaos that it could create if someone with a radioactive substance in their bloodstream tried going through airport security. I'm glad I'm not that person and that the tracer is hopefully already out of my system.

That said, the stress test kind of sucked. Well, every stress test I've had, I can't say that I really liked. Who wants to run on a treadmill and have it go faster and steeper every three minutes without stopping? Not me, especially as I am fighting another god damn head cold. This one is nowhere near as bad as the one I had in March, but it's a pain in the freaking ass. I didn't run as long as I have in the past and they are like "do you want to keep trying" and I was like "hell no, I'm about to burst out coughing."

Anyway, I reached the required levels for my heart and the results of the imaging came back yesterday with a gold star - no signs of any blockages or any potential blockages floating around my crooked arteries.

Did something that I didn't think I would on Wednesday too. I was back at my old office picking up supplies when I pulled my boss aside and told her that if she wanted to present to the owners the idea of me coming back as a secondary office manager because they are expanding, that I would go for it, if the money was decent. I know, I like working in NY. However I like being with Moe more than having a good job I've come to realize. Plus in the end, we really are paying to have me work in NY when you factor in gas, wear and tear on cars and the like. Not only that, but we can't really sell the house and use the proceeds to get out of debt so we could live in NY since there'd be no profit to use to pay off debt.

So the next best thing is that I just come back to MA and we make due. Eventually the house will go up in value, we can sell it, make a clean break and do something else that we both want to do. I still think it would be cool to up and sell everything and move out west somewhere and just start over. Scary as all hell, but it would be exciting and if we didn't have anything holding us back, why not try?

Not that I know if anything will come of it, they might not be interested, but I know my boss was, so we will just wait and see what happens. I said nothing could happen until the winter at the earliest.

I just can't do the apart thing with Moe. He and I being together and being a family together is more important than having the perfect job or having more money to me.

circle

2012-05-14T11:41:00.003-04:00

Came down Friday to go to Vermont Saturday. Bit of a misfire there and Moe and I went up on Saturday morning (starting at 5am) and then ended up driving down after the Alumni meeting was over (so it was a 5am to 10pm kind of day). Spent Sunday at Moe's Mom's house and then went to Foxwoods with Sharon. Late night. Now leaving to go back to NY so I can go to NJ tomorrow. Then have to come back here tomorrow night because I have a stress test (a nuclear one to boot!) on Wednesday morning.

Bad planning on my part.

I feel like taking a few ambiens and sleeping for a few days to catch up.

catskill week

2012-05-07T15:47:00.001-04:00

The workshop that I had to run this weekend went well.

Trying the generic Lipitor in place of simvastatin - waiting to see if I get any muscle pains. So far so good.

Week in the Catskills. I miss Moe. Here through Thursday. Then heading back to MA and we'll both head up to Vermont for the weekend since I have an Alumni meeting on Saturday. Will be nice to spend two days together.

Rainy

2012-05-03T11:14:00.001-04:00

Not that we didn't need the rain, but on almost all my days off?

It was nice to be home for a stretch though.

Heading back to the Catskills tonight. Working through the weekend and all of next week since I have to go to Vermont for an alumni meeting next weekend.

frozen precip?

2012-04-25T14:30:00.001-04:00

Woke up to about an inch of snow with more coming down yesterday morning. I ended up not being able to take the seasonal road down off the mountain...I started, but there was just too much snow to chance it, especially in the Honda, which could slide on a snowflake. Instead I drove around the long winter way.

Yesterday was a long day...was in NJ all day for office work (sans internet and network connectivity since our server crashed) and then I went straight to a meeting here in the Catskills. Thankfully I picked up some dinner on the way back up from Jersey, but still, when you leave the house at 8 in the morning and get home at about 10 at night, it's a long night. Plus there's like 5 hours of driving in there too when you figure it all out.

Up here for a few more days. Going back to MA Friday afternoon and there part of next week for a cardiologist appointment and for my "weekend" since I have to work the following week.

That truck my brother bought, I think he realized he didn't need it, and lucky for him, he mentioned it to a few people at work yesterday and he's got it sold today. I'm going to pick him up from work so he can sell the truck to the guy since he drove it in today.

Moe started a part time job this week. I'm really happy for him because he's spreading out his wings a bit. Sounds like he had quite the first day already. Maybe it'll turn into something, though it doesn't seem any less hectic than what he already does. Time will tell I guess, but at least he'll have spending and gas money in his pocket all the time now. Only downside is I probably will see even less of him than I see now :(

muddy

2012-04-22T20:30:00.000-04:00

Spent the day playing in the mud.

That was after I got lost trying a new way to get over to the western Catskills. Literally pulled to the side of the road, staring at the map, going "where the fuck am I and how do I get there..." Turns out the turn I had to make was a very tiny road on a very tight turn off of a road that was still being repaired from Hurricane Irene. Once I missed that turn, I ended up nowhere near I needed to be.

I did make it and only 15 minutes late (the last 8 miles I went 25 miles per hour following a slow poke to boot), so all was not lost.

Then spent the rest of the day managing trail work and getting myself very muddy as I helped out. It was fun and we lucked out with the rain holding off for the majority of the time. It wasn't till we were getting ready to stop that the drizzle started and then by the time we got out, it was raining pretty hard at the cars.

I'm pooped though...swinging a pick and a grub for several hours can do that.

In the Catskills for the week, but then I have a weekend in Massachusetts plus a few extra days the following week thanks to a doctor's appointment and my flex time next week since I do have to work the following weekend.

Anniversary

2012-04-19T20:03:00.001-04:00

More and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary and my birthday by spending the night at MGM last night. Was a good time. Dinner at David Burke's steak place turned out to be more than we expected at foxwoods, but it did taste good. This mor ing we enjoyed breakfast at Juniors and then spent the afternoon at Mohegan Sun. Will be a quiet night at home now.

running...

2012-04-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

Start of a busy period for me...was in the far western Catskills this morning...then the central Catskills this afternoon for another meeting and then back at the house I was rushing to get through everything I had missed when I took my mid-week weekend.

This weekend it's all workshop all the time. So I'm trying to get all the loose ends together so that I don't have to go too crazy tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is the classroom portion and Sunday is in the field.

Found this group by chance on Pandora, then bought the album on iTunes and I'm just loving it. Not my usually music type but that's besides the point

Clearance

2012-04-12T12:29:00.001-04:00

Moe and went to REI to use my annual dividend and then hit the mall to see what we could find. All the department stores have their winter clearances. Pretty sweet deals and since it's still cold in the Catskills, I don't have to wait till the fall to start wearing them.

REI had some nice clearance too. Got a couple of things and ended up spending only a little bit after the coupons and using the dividend.

Pre-Birthday Bliss

2012-04-12T10:48:00.001-04:00

Sharon out did herself for my birthday. She won at the casino and used some of those winnings to get me an iPad for my birthday. I know, I've wanted one forever and it's amazing to finally have it. Talk about making me smile. Every time I look at it, I can't believe she got it for me. Plus it's the new one and it's just amazing. Thank you Sharon for the early birthday present :) For the record my birthday is on Sunday, the 15th.

rolling on

2012-04-06T10:28:00.004-04:00

This week has been kind of flash...fighting a stuffy nose, traveling around, trying to find some quiet time to just relax. Hopefully even though I have to work today, I get that quiet time. I'm at my Mom's house downstate waiting for her to get home from work this evening so I can take her to the Catskills for the weekend. Moe will be coming over tomorrow and we'll have a nice family easter on Sunday. Also we'll be doing an old fashioned barn (well, garage) raising with my brother, who's taken off all of next week to build the garage that he started last year.

I think my head is finally clearing up...I can breath through my nose and my coughs are getting farther and farther apart. What a pain in the ass freaking cold. Though I have to say I'm happy I didn't end up with pneumonia like Sharon. She got word yesterday that it was in both lungs and that she had to stay out of work and rest for at least another week until the medicine started really working and clearing things up.

The only coffee my Mom had at the house is pumpkin spice. I like pumpkin spice, but it just isn't the same as sitting down in the morning and having a nice simple cup of coffee. I'm contemplating driving about 20 minutes to go to Dunkin Donuts but that seems kind of silly.

Things may be changing job wise. I got wind of a new potential job where I am. Not sure it would be more money, but I'd have to be in and out of the office a lot more, so not sure I could stay living in the Catskills. Have to contemplate and figure out what Moe and I can do. There's no way we could afford to have an apartment or something down that way and still cover the mortgage and everything back on the house in MA so something would have to change if I did that.

Just grab those horns though and go with it...that's my new motto.

the whole universe

2012-04-04T13:12:00.002-04:00

geeky space nerd time...

A picture of the universe around us...

Mapping the Infrared Universe: The Entire WISE Sky
The Whole Universe In One Photo

freaking stuffy nose

2012-04-04T13:04:00.002-04:00

Still stuffy, still drippy, still coughing...

Sharon got diagnosed with pneumonia...so I'm thinking if Moe and I still can't shake this head cold soon, we should probably get checked out.

sick of being sick

2012-03-29T15:14:00.003-04:00

Almost a week later and I think I'm just starting to get better. Guess I officially had my "spring" cold. Considering I really hadn't a cold most of last year, I really can't complain that much. Except that being sick sucks. I had to be down in NJ on Monday and Tuesday and sat at the office sniffling and coughing. Then I was out sick yesterday. Today I'm working but taking it very easy. Today is the 1st day that the sinus drip has stopped, so hopefully the cough, which has been lightening up goes away in the next day or so. My chest and shoulder muscles would appreciate a break from the coughing.

sick

2012-03-25T11:59:00.000-04:00

Whatever has been going around, I caught. Yesterday didn't feel hot. Today I feel awful.

Leaving for NY this afternoon...hoping the drive back isn't too painful. Then have to be in the office on Monday and Tuesday, so hoping by tonight I start to feel better, otherwise all this traveling is going to be pretty awful.

I hate being sick

sunshine

2012-03-18T18:47:00.000-04:00

While I loved it, I have to say that having 70-80 degree weather in the middle of March is really kind of strange.

I worked on customer stuff for most of the day, but I did spend the evening out cleaning my car and it was sure nice outside.

Heading back to NY tomorrow but only for a short time...will be back up mid-week as I have to work next weekend and so starts pretty much working most weekends between now and mid-summer.

I finally bought TurboTax. Now I just have to do the taxes. I will do Moe's tonight or tomorrow before I leave because I need his refund to pay what I'm going to owe (I hope it balances out). Sigh

once more with humor?

2012-03-17T16:13:00.000-04:00

I find it hard to articulate to others just how I am feeling, which is why I think I spend so much time here bitching about my lot in life. It's not that I can't tell others, but nothing more than standard responses to bad times and events drives me crazy. If I pour my heart out to you and tell you how awful things have been and what I'm going through telling me "oh it'll get better," is nothing more than dribble to me. It makes me want scream because I've heard it all my life when I've tried to be emotional. Or maybe "just look on the brightside." That one could make me stab someone. I've spent my life looking on the brightside, I don't need to be reminded. I've had plenty of adversity and kept going.

But I don't know what I am looking for either. What beyond simple feel good statements could someone provide me that would actually make me feel better? I don't really know. I just know I've been in a funk for years at this point.

I had just started getting over having a heart problem when I went and got laid off. Now I know it wasn't my fault, but really hit me. Others were kept so it said something about how I was valued at that company. Not only that, but it marked me in the public as I went to try to find something new. I sent out hundreds of resumes and got two interviews: one was part time and the other was standard and I wasn't offered either. I kept trucking so to speak though. I hustled. I worked part time, I freelanced. I even ended up finding a job that had nothing to do with what I had done, but I did it. I reinvented myself as an office manager for shit pay, but I got those benefits, which is what I needed.

If anything, being unemployed and underemployed made me understand how tied to healthcare I really am thanks to that heart condition. Besides having no money, nothing scared me more than not being able to have health insurance to cover my prescriptions that I need to basically stay alive and to cover all my various doctor's visits. That feeling reawakened that fear of my heart condition and made me feel so weak and continue to do so.

Now I do have a job more or less back in the kind of stuff I was doing...at least on a planning level, but I am still in a rut. That job is in NY and I am straddling two worlds. My world here in MA that I spent years building with Moe and then a tenuous existence in NY where I do what I have to do to earn a paycheck but am nothing really more than a boarder at my parent's place. Sort of a modern day gypsy I guess. It kills me that my life in MA is more or less gone. It's like living with a dying patient. My job options are limited if I came back here. Even going back to what I was doing is limited thanks to my old boss finally finding a decent full time person. So unless a miracle happens and some outdoor organizations start looking for new hires, I'm not likely to find anything back here. But here in MA Moe and I have the life that we built up together. We have the house that we have struggled to have, we have Will and Grace, we have us. In NY I've got a good job with a good organization that I actually care about. However I don't have any sort of life. Sure I have my family, but that is not the same as Moe and I'm in nothing more than a holding pattern when I am there.

Sure, the house could be sold and Moe could move to NY. Hopefully we could pay off all the credits cards and various other bills so that we would be debt free more or less (unless the house loses even more value), but Moe wouldn't have a job and we'd all be living in the Catskills with my family. Considering it's tight with me living there part time now, what would it be like if we were all there along with dogs and cats? It's not like we'd have the option of living somewhere else besides maybe a very small apartment that probably wouldn't allow pets so what would happen to our family? Where would Will, Grace and Maisy be? I can't do that. I can't even consider that. It would tear me apart. So we'd have to live there. Yes, my parents are building a new house and we could stay in the old house, but that's at least a year off.

Plus then I feel like such a failure here. We bought the house, we've done work and we've built our life. I know it's just a house but if we sold it it now, it just feels like a failure to me. Not only that, but there's so much work we'd have to do in order to make it reasonable to sell.

I know, most people would be just like "sell the fucking house and move on," but I guess I'm not a normal person.

Plus I don't want Moe to move to NY and not have a job or be doing something just to get by. That's not fair to him either.

It's just that life doesn't seem very fair at all to me right now. I seem to have a shadow existence wherever I am.

Not only that, but I am working like all the time. I never have a day when I don't do anything work related since I have a full time job, a part time job and am freelancing whenever and wherever I can. I get tired just waking up in the morning. I'm always sitting at a computer doing something. I have a job that's supposed to be about recreation and I'm in worse shape than I was with any other office job thanks to traveling back and forth and not having the time to really take care of myself. When I do finally get to be outside, I'm huffing and puffing thanks to being so inactive most of the time. I feel it inside me. I need to do something but I never have time or if I do, I'm so unmotivated and/or sad that I won't get myself to do it.

Kind of scares me in light of that heart problem...

It doesn't help that I must think about things more than the average person. I seem to be able to overthink just about anything and in the process worry about everything.

I don't know what I need to do or what I want others to do to help me. I need to get this fog out of my head.

So what do I do about it? Think of more work for myself...lol

I've been thinking of taking all the writing I do either professionally or personally and turning that into something more productive. I've wanted to do something along the lines of a memoir for a while. I know it's been done before by others, but I think I have my share of interesting and funny stories that can be told with some humor. Think Roosevelt Point, T rides, Crazy Chinese Girl and more. Not only that, there are plenty of serious stories I have that can be told with an eye towards their humor. I don't know. It's just something I feel like doing and it feels like something that could be something. I could shop it around, but even failing that, you can self publish nowadays with almost no effort. It could be an ebook even. Maybe it would lead into something. Maybe it would open doors. I love to write and I would love to be really paid to write.

So who knows...maybe that would help me in this funk too...look at the sublime humor that transcends good and bad times.

What do you think? Would it be something you'd pay a few bucks to read?

you bet your life it is

2012-03-15T17:00:00.000-04:00

What happened 15 years ago today?

Moe and I officially started dating.

It was a trying time. Moe and I had fallen in love the 1st semester of his freshman year and my sophmore year. We had spent Martin Luther King Weekend in Lake Placid skiing. Then on the way back to LSC, we hit black ice in the jeep, flipped over and he was on the edge of death. His recovery took months and he had to take a leave of absence from the college. That left me alone at the college and him alone at home. He had been up one before March, but this time he came up on his own. We spent the night of the 14th just holding one another talking about our future. I never felt closer to someone in my life. Just after midnight he took my hands and asked me to be his boyfriend. No surprise, I said yes. It's been a roller coaster ever since, but so worth it. Of everything in my life, he's been my rock and I hope I have been his. I wouldn't trade our love for anything.

blowin in the wind

2012-03-11T11:24:00.000-04:00

So we spent Friday at the Subaru dealer taking stock of Moe's old car, cleaning it out, argueing about some sort of value for it with the dealer and by the evening, driving home in a new (to us) Subaru for Moe. We found a 2006 Legacy Wagon with only 20k miles on it for a decent price. I'm not upset so much about that, but the fact that we had charge a down payment that we don't have and I have another car payment...sigh...

I went into 2012 thinking positive, thinking of ways to get things paid off and ever since the fucking year started, it's been one fucking disaster after another. Thousands in car repairs, late mortgage payments (I'm still working on paying February's payment now...sigh...), and now...hahahahaha, a new fucking car. Just throw that on top like a cherry and we're only halfway through god damn March.

I don't know...

It's not like we have any other choice than to just keep moving ahead, but damn, what the hell is up with 2012?

I'm working full time, I'm working part time and I'm coming up with schemes to make money wherever I can and it's just not enough. I keep going deeper into the hole instead of at least treading water, which at this point, would feel pretty damn good. I can't even think of climbing out of that hole right now it seems so deep and I keep getting one ridiculous thing after another thrown at me.

I so wish that things had turned out differently, I'm stuck in this slow-motion hell right now.

Dear Universe

2012-03-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

Did you not like my last post?

Your humor continues, though I have to admit that I'm feeling a bit laid upon by your practical jokes today. After Moe gets new brakes in his car only two weeks ago, you break the axle and have the exhaust system fail? I'd probably giggle too, just like you are now, but come on, over $5000 worth of repairs on a car that's probably not worth a thousand dollars? Are you happy that it now sits at the mechanic, waiting for Moe and I to empty it out and contact a place to accept it as a donation? What did that car do to you?

Grace's snuggles on my lap do somewhat make up for it, but the though of either us using the honda and the truck as our main cars bothers me a bit. The honda will suffer the same fate as the Subaru eventually and then if you consider the mpg on the truck, I might as well just open a vein and you can take my blood. Then considering our respective credit ratings, getting a new car...or even a loan for a used car...and considering our debt already...sigh...

I'm really at a loss. Is this all because I said I was going to approach 2012 with a positive attitude? I could see you wanting me twist the screw and be like "oh yeah, are you still going to be positive?" Well, while I'm not going jump off a bridge, I am willing to admit that there hasn't been much to be positive about in 2012.

Dear Universe

2012-03-02T18:19:00.000-05:00

While I appreciate your sarcastic and what some would consider mean spirited sense of humor, did I really need to find out that the freelance work check I usually get for some of my online work this time of the month has only just been printed and won't be mailed until Monday at the earliest?

Those bills didn't really need to get paid I suppose.

Also, I did laugh to myself how you set it up so I took today off to spend time with my Mom when she came up and you had the mattress company reschedule their delivery till tomorrow so my parents were unable to get up.

I thoroughly enjoyed taking a day off to go work at my old job. Yes, extra money, but not the relaxation and enjoyable time I was looking forward to with my Mom.

This weekend...not sure what you have in store for me.

white stuff falling from the sky?

2012-03-01T08:55:00.000-05:00

We are actually having something of a snowstorm and that's kind of shocking for this winter. In any other winter this would be like a flurry, but a couple of inches this winter, holy shit, the world is ending.

Back in MA because I had taken Friday off for an appointment and because my parents were coming up with the mattress. They both fell through, so now I have a free Friday. I will probably go to my old job and work the day to get some extra money. Seriously, any extra money is good now.

This has been going around Facebook and it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This is what the people who were against the repeal of DADT were worrying about? People showing just how much they love one another when they return from a deployment?

The local news in Hawaii ran a story on this too.

A link to the original post at The New Civil Rights Movement.

And a link to the interview that the marine did with MSNBC.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Well spoken! Good for them!

Off to shovel the mega snowfall...

wontons

2012-02-26T17:56:00.000-05:00

And what's even sadder is I have wanted Autumn Garden since I got back from NY (well even while I was in NY) and I still haven't had it and I won't have it now until next weekend now...

Stack it on top of all those other feelings of being blah

Sigh...

Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to think about things. I suppose there's a certain pleasure in being blissfully unaware of things due to ignorance or stupidity. I seem to be able to think about each and every item though and it drives me crazy at times.

storm clouds

2012-02-26T17:54:00.001-05:00

So here I was thinking March was going to be a good month with money and so far, it is going to suck. Even with the extra paycheck and with the bonus money Moe had gotten last month, we're just keeping our noses above water. I feel like I just can't get ahead. Over $3000 in car repairs in January and February didn't help either. Then there's gas prices that just keep going up and up. In NY when I left on Friday the prices were already almost $4 a gallon. That's depressing and scary. It's going to come to the point where I just have to stay in NY and work. I can barely eek by now driving back and forth. If gas is much more, there's no point in even trying to go back and forth more than maybe twice a month. That's depressing how little I would see Moe and how much my life would suck.

Moe has some ideas for helping us with money, but we will see how that goes. I feel bad, his bonus went to bills and he couldn't enjoy it.

I suppose on the bright side I'm not gambling so things would be that much worse if I was.

Heading back to NY tonight with Moe so he can go skiing on Monday and Tuesday. Gonna take Friday off as my parents are coming over with their old bed to drop off for our guest room. We'll have something more hefty than a single now so two people could actually sleep in there.

that was a pretty weak snowstorm

2012-02-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

Today's storm amounted to a dusting.

Heading back to MA today. Have a very strong hankering for Chinese still.

Tomorrow should be fun though, a day with Sharon. Then in the evening Moe and I are going to try to reorganize our two guestrooms as we're getting my parents old queen sized bed for one of them. He had been using the smaller room as his "dressing room" but now that we'll have the single bed and the queen, we'll put the single in the small room and put the queen where that one was now. Saves someone staying with us from having to use a day-bed now.

Otherwise I'm hoping for a quiet weekend. Sunday will be some work for the old job, but money is always good.

Drifting along...that's okay considering

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