Essays... And Then Some!

Boosting brain power

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II

For me it hasn’t been about “boosting brain power,” it is more about “sustaining brain power.” That is, I don’t like the thought of losing anything I have, and if I gain a little by doing things that will sustain what I have, then that is icing on the cake, or a positive byproduct that is greatly appreciated. I try to do more than what it takes to keep my brain active just as I do more than what it takes to keep my body in shape.

My 98-year-old father-in-law gives credence to the comment by Elizabeth Zelinski, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Southern California, who said, “the research now suggests you have a good chance of keeping your brain sharp if you commit to the right kind of concentrated effort.” This is a paraphrase by the unknown author of “Build a Better Brain,” an article in The Hartford’s Extra Mile bulletin (Winter, 2011, pp. 6-8). Although my father-in-law engages in a limited amount of physical exercise (walking), a limited amount of contact with other people (mainly at mealtimes), he is a voracious reader of newspapers, magazines, and books. His mind and memory are sharp as a tack.

Asking the question, “Can you build a better brain?” Sharon Begley, in a Newsweek essay of the same name (January 10 & 17, pp. 40-45), claims that “The quest for effective ways to boost cognitive capacity is not hopeless . . . The explosion in neuroscience is slowly revealing the mechanisms of cognition” (p. 42). And here is a sentence most hardworking people will greatly appreciate: “. . . in people who excel at particular tasks, Stern’s neuroimaging studies show, brain circuits tend to be more efficient (using less energy even as cognitive demand increases), higher capacity, and more flexible” (p. 43).

Now, Begley reports one finding that should prompt everyone to vary what they do in life: “ . . . skills we’re already good at don’t make us much smarter; we don’t pay much attention to them. In contrast, taking up a new cognitively demanding activity — ballroom dancing, a foreign language — is more likely to boost processing speed, strengthen synapses, and expand or create functional networks” (p. 43). That is why the suggestions offered in The Hartford’s Extra Mile bulletin, cited above, make good sense. The essay, as its first of seven “Tips to Enhance Brain Fitness,” suggests that we “Learn to play a new instrument” (p. 7). It states that the reason is that “You’ll exercise several brain functions, related to sight, hearing, and movement.” That’s true, but it is just as true that it will boost processing speed, strengthen synapses, and expand or create functional networks — which is likely to result in even greater rewards.

The Hartford’s Extra Mile bulletin also offers other tips besides learning to play a new instrument that may yield the same benefits. These include making your hobbies harder, using your other hand, and walking on a rocky road.

In an online article (03-20-09), “Building a Better Brain,” at the web site, Isthmus, The Daily Page , Jennifer A. Smith, reports on a speech given by Richard J. Davidson, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and psychiatry and director of University of Wisconsin’s Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience. He “was speaking on neuroplasticity — the ability of the brain to remain flexible, adaptable and trainable,” she writes. “It’s one of the foundations of his work.”

“The adult brain, scientists now realize,” Smith reports, “continues to make about 5,000 new cells per day. It is ever changing, or ‘plastic,’ throughout life.” Now, citing Davidson, she quotes him as saying, "Traits formerly considered to be fixed are really not. They’re characteristics that can be changed through training. In other words, human beings have more control over [their] minds than previously thought. . . . We’re carrying our own laboratory between our ears, and we just need to use it," Davidson told the crowd.

At the Stanford Medical Magazine web site , (Fall 2005) Amy Adams has written an essay, “Building a better brain
It's never too late for renovation,” in which she cites the work of Eric Knudsen, PhD, a professor of neurobiology. Knudsen said there is more to it than simply playing a new instrument, learning a foreign language, or beginning ballroom dancing. It is all about laying the groundwork for growth. He claims that, “. . . building the best possible brain is all about preparation. True, a child can’t learn algebra until the brain is ready. But how well the child picks up that new skill can be altered by early experiences that prime those neurons and their connections for action.”

Adams offers this conclusion to her online article: “What all this research adds up to is good news for those who had rich and rewarding early experiences. Their brains are primed for learning new skills throughout life. As for adults hoping to make late-term modifications to their brains’ wiring, all hope isn’t lost. Knudsen’s work shows that older [people] can still learn, if somewhat more slowly than juveniles. As with any remodel, it’s less efficient than starting from scratch, but with patience even fully mature brains can squeeze out some new connections.”

There is an almost contradictory finding in Begley’s Newsweek article which explains why my father-in-law has maintained his sharp mind and memory throughout his 97 years. It has nothing to do with learning new skills or developing new abilities. Begley writes that building brain power “requires tapping into one of the best-established phenomena in neuroscience — namely, that the more you use a circuit, the stronger it gets. As a result, a skill you focus and train on improves, and even commandeers more neuronal real estate, with corresponding improvements in performance” (p. 44).

That is precisely what I have discovered as well. That is, although I enjoy learning new skills (special ballroom dancing steps), having new experiences (cruising to Southeast Asia), and stretching the skills I already have (reading new books or writing new essays such as this one), I have discovered that the more I use the circuits I possess, the stronger they get. That is why I said at the outset of this essay, “ it hasn’t been about ‘boosting brain power,’ it is more about ‘sustaining brain power.’” To me, that is the essential issue, and if I can boost brain power while sustaining brain power, all the more brain power to me!
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From the Stanford School of Medicine
comes the Stanford Medicine Magazine (referred to in my essay), and the article by Amy Adams, “Building a better brain: It's never too late for renovation” (Fall, 2005). This is really a very well-written, well-explained essay that is both thorough and comprehensive. It is well worth a read.

At eMedExpert , the essay, “14 Research-Proven Ways To Boost Brain Power,” is excellent. Not only are the suggestions right on target, but at the end of the essay each of the 47 “Sources and References” that support the essay are not just listed in their correct entirety, but in each case there is a link so that you can go to the research and read it for yourself. This is an absolutely terrific essay.
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Copyright January, 2012, by And Then Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Dealing with excuses

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

“Two university students had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the exam, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

“The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

“Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

"’For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.’

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued . . . ‘For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.’”

When I first read this joke I identified with it immediately. What a terrific joke! As a college professor for 30 years, I heard many excuses; however, I found a number of successful ways to deal with them.

I have a perspective on all of this, and it certainly colors my overall point of view. In all of the classes I took as a student (about 20 years of classes), and in all of the classes I taught as an instructor or professor (close to 30 years of teaching) — even my time as a “practice teacher” in high school — I never missed a single class; thus, I have never used nor had to use an excuse. Now, I have to admit that I loved being a student, and I had the same identification with being a teacher and large-group lecturer. I always did my homework, submitted my papers and reports on time, and appeared on time for all examinations. (In all of the college textbooks I have written and in all of the additional textbooks editions as well (well over 30), I have never missed a deadline. I consider deadlines just as sacred or inviolable now as I considered class and lecture meetings when I was a student.)

I learned early in my teaching that one of the ways I had to try to avoid having to listen to student excuses was simply to make all of my classroom policies clear at the outset in my syllabus and attached handouts. Depending on how often during a week my class met, I would make that number (usually one or two) the number of excused absences permitted during a term. After that, I would simply lower a student’s grade by one-third for each additional absence beyond that. This policy was a powerful one, and it severely limited having to deal with student excuses.

Regarding missed papers, I stated at the outset of the course that the grade on any late paper — no matter the excuse — would lose one full grade for every day it was late. No matter how late, however, it was still a required part of the course.   I seldom had to use this policy. I found that if students knew the policy up front, they found ways to deal with it.

In one class where the final paper for the class counted for much of a student’s final grade in the course, I structured the paper in such a way that students had to begin work on it early — like choosing their topic, doing their research, outlining their approach — and in this way, I helped students organize their time. Every student had the paper submitted on time.

To help students in the basic course which enrolled a thousand students per term, I had students choose their speech topics early. They selected three topics, their graduate assistants would number them in the order they thought best for class presentation, and students would have to stick to these choices as they prepared their final speech. This was a technique for helping to limit the amount of plagiarism as well.

Just as an aside here, I taught an interpersonal-communication class of over 300 students per term. I created a seating chart so I could call on students by name, and I used a daily half-sheet response that allowed me to take roll, receive feedback, and quiz my students at every class meeting. I remember the attrition that occurred between the first class meeting when I would hand out the syllabus and all of my expectations and the second class meeting when those students who wanted a “freebie” lecture course that they did not have to attend, left the course. Amazing!

I had a teaching philosophy that may appear a bit egocentric; however, I can’t deny its existence. If I was going to be paid to teach a course, and if I was going to prepare in the best way I could to teach it, I had no intention of allowing my students — the students who chose to take the course from me — to wander in and out of class, decide when to come to class and when not to, and to make their own decisions (during the duration of the class) as to whether they thought the material was important or relevant or meaningful.   If you (talking to the student) choose me as your instructor, you must make the same commitment to this class as I will — no exceptions and no excuses.

One of my goals throughout my teaching career was to appear to be a fair, flexible, and tolerant teacher. At times, I found, some students loved to push the limits to determine just how far a person (me!) was willing to go. Most of the time this occurred early in the course, and when a student discovered I had very clear and well articulated expectations and regulations, often they would either drop out or tow the line. I found, too, that it was always better to accept an untrue excuse than reject a legitimate one and be seen as unfair. In a couple of cases, but few more than that, I would check my record-keeping book on the student’s performance in the course thus far, and if I could tell that the goals of the course were being met, I tried in the best way I could, to help students deal with their emergencies and complete class assignments as well.

You may wonder why the issue of dealing with excuses is even a concern for teachers. I agree with Sandra Goss Lucas and Douglas A. Bernstein, in their book, Teaching Psychology: A Step by Step Guide (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum, 2005) when they talk about dealing with excuses. They point out: “The way you handle excuses conveys a message to your students about your teaching philosophy, and most particularly about whether you view students as partners or adversaries, the degree to which you trust them, and how you care about them” (p. 137). It can set the tone for an entire term, determine how effective you will be, and, most important of all, govern (or at least influence) how much students are likely to learn.
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On the web site Faculty Focus, there is a short essay by Maryellen Weimer, “A Smart Way to Handle Student Excuses” (October 2009), excerpted from the book Effective Classroom Management, where a “stuff happens” card is discussed: “Professor Daniela A. Feenstra, who teaches a variety of business classes at Central Pennsylvania College, has developed an interesting way through this dilemma. On the first day of class she gives each student a ‘Stuff Happens’ card. It’s about the size of a business card and also includes the semester date and a place for the student’s name. In the syllabus (and in class) she explains that this is a student’s ‘one time only’ forgiveness card.
   “If a student is late for class or might need a one-day extension on a paper, the student may trade the “Stuff Happens” card for this exception. Students don’t have to get her approval or permission to use the card. Use of it is entirely at their discretion. However, each student gets only one card, which is not transferable and won’t be replaced if lost.
   “If no “stuff happens” during a given a semester and a student follows all classroom policies and procedures, the “Stuff Happens” card may be traded in the last week of class for 20 bonus points.”

At StateUniversity.com, there is a great little essay at the College and University blog, “The Cultural Phenomenon of the Lying College Student” by Tara, where she begins her essay saying: “It is easy for me to believe that college and all it entails can cultivate an unwitting liar. I can understand how the pressures of deadlines, parents, activities, etc., can instigate scads of little fabrications to ease the load of college life. However, I have seen time and time again how those little white lies become habit, and habits are very hard to break.” The useful part of the essay is where she cites “many studies [that] have been done on what psychologists call ‘the use of fraudulent excuses.’”
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Copyright January, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Read more: The Cultural Phenomenon of the Lying College Student - StateUniversity.com Blog

The “great” opening paragraph

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

It was a delightful, cold, calm, Monday morning, and I had just finished showering after my 3-mile jog. Relaxing music played in the background, and I was sitting at the dining-room table reading the Monday edition of The (Toledo) Blade. Thomas Walton’s op-ed column, “In search of the Great Opening Paragraph,” caught my attention. That’s not surprising since reading the editorial pages and op-ed columns is my favorite part of the newspaper. I spend more time on that section than on any other.

In his op-ed column Walton invited readers to submit their “best opening paragraph for the novel that’s been kicking around in [their] head.” Walton continues by explaining the perameters of his request: “The rules are simple. Make sure your paragraph is truly your own unpublished work. Hold it to 50 words or so.” I love temptations like this, and being a writer this invitation was not just tempting, it was downright irresistible.

Using an advertising insert card for a subscription to USA Today which I regularly pull out of that newspaper and that was lying nearby, I quickly (without much thinking) jotted down the following:

       “Her scent lingered momentarily, then she disappeared as if a lighthouse beacon had passed over me. Bathed in the flow of that beacon, I became suddenly alive and aware, then conscious of my past. With that conscious awareness, I realized I was not to have her, and I was surprisingly pleased.”

Those 50 words came to me immediately without pause, investigation, or searching. They just seemed to be there waiting for a breath of fresh air — for release from the literary prison that bound them.

When finished with breakfast and the newspapers, I sat down at the computer keyboard; however, before I stroked a single key, I remembered something my wife said to me twenty years ago — about five years after I began using a computer. She said, “You write much better when you write your thoughts out long hand. Perhaps it’s because it gives you more time to think about your ideas.” I had taken to using the computer so quickly that I had stopped writing long hand and simply composed at the computer keyboard because it is faster and more efficient. (I can write more!)

Remembering what my wife said, I stopped. Using what I had written on the USA Today advertising card as a beginning point, I re-wrote my 50-word passage on a half-sheet of paper. That iteration went as follows:

       “Her scent lingered momentarily, then dispersed as if a light breeze had massaged the fibers of my being. [I had written “leaves of a tree” but crossed it out for this more vivid, less cliche-ridden version.] When fully recovered, I became alive and aware, then conscious of my past. With that mindful insight [I had written “conscious awareness,” but having just used the word “conscious” I made the change to “mindful insight.”], I realized I was not to have her, and I was surprisingly at peace.”

I have also discovered — on a regular basis — that if I write it out longhand then edit it as I type it into the computer, that re-write becomes significantly improved over the original.   I am always reminded of Strunk and White’s [The Elements of Style] fifth suggestion to beginning writers who are searching for a satisfactory style: “Revise and rewrite.”

The edited 50-word piece above is what I e-mailed to Walton. I had no idea how long I would wait to see if my writing merited publication. I knew, however, that he liked my writing, because he was the editor of the Blade who initiated the column, “Saturday Essay,” and published over the course of several years, sixteen of my essays.

On January 3, 2011, Walton’s follow-up op-ed column appeared. It was titled “‘It was a dark and stormy night’ . . . or not.” He began the column, “I’ll say this for readers of One of America’s Great Newspapers. Give them a challenge and they embrace it.” He followed this opening with a second paragraph, “A month ago, I asked you to compose your best opening paragraph for the novel that you wish you had time to write. Several dozen of you responded — many with eloquence, all with earnestness and passion. For a few, it was indeed a dark and stormy night.”

After openings written by Rani Marshall, and Phillip R. King, my opening was the third one printed, followed by eight more. Then, the most surprising openings of all were included. Walton printed two written by an eighth grade creative writing class at St. Rose School in Perrysburg. Those two were absolutely outstanding, but time and space prohibits me from reproducing them here. (They can be found online.)

On the very same Monday morning when the second Walton op-ed piece was published, my daughter called me from the parking lot of Toledo Eleven Television in downtown Toledo saying she had a flat tire. Being an AAA (Automobile Association of America) member for many years, I drove to where she was parked, called AAA, and they appeared one hour later. On the way out of my driveway, however, I stopped at our mailbox and picked up both of my morning newspapers, so I had them in the car, and I was reading them as we waited for AAA to arrive.

Seeing the column, surprised by the inclusion of my submission, I read what I wrote to my daughter. Her response: “Wow! That doesn’t even sound like you.”

I have never written fiction. One of the problems with writing a best selling college textbook [Communicating Effectively, 10th ed., McGraw-Hill, 2012] is that it gives you little time for other pursuits. I have written a number of other college textbooks as well [Understanding Interpersonal Communication went through seven editions.], and with all the academic articles, chapters in books, and speeches, there was no time left over. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it, but I have had no choice except to wait for the right time. It is true, there may be no “right time”!

In addition to all of this, when I Googled myself (See my essay on “Egosurfing.”) for the purposes of writing an essay about it, I discovered a Chinese website where Walton’s column of January 3, 2011, appeared with a date just one day in advance of when it appeared in The (Toledo) Blade, and I now realize that the whole world is waiting (breathlessly, I’m sure!) for my “great” follow-up novel to my “great opening paragraph”! I’m so excited I’m out of breath!
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At All About Manga there is a cute, short essay written May 7, 2010, titled “My Life as a (Rookie) Editor: The Joy of Being Published.” The writer of the blog essay explains: “People instantly have more respect for you. I am not kidding. Tell them you’re a published writer/editor/artist/whatever, then somehow you get street cred. Even aspiring writers and artists admire people with actually published work. It’s a big accomplishment. And when you think about it, it really is, getting ANYTHING published takes a lot of time and money from somewhere. People admire scientists and other non-writerly types with major published studies in some related journal they’ve probably never heard of. YOU have something to show for yourself. You’re not so hackjob that no one’s heard of because obviously someone published YOUR thing.”

On his blog, (March 16, 2007) David Louis Edelman, discusses the topic, “Five Things That Ddelman <o Happen When You Become a Published Author.” 1) Strangers become deferential, 2) you become “the writing expert,” 3) you get “mixed feelings about what you’ve written,” 4) “self-published authors look to you for validation,” and 5) “You’ll have accomplished something that nobody can take away from you.” I wonder if a 50-word “great opening paragraph” can accomplish the same thing?
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Copyright January, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Egosurfing (I Googled Myself!)

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

I Googled myself recently out of curiosity, but I’m not alone according to Rachael Rettner of LiveScience.com, who wrote an essay, “Most people Google themselves now,” which begins with this paragraph: “If you've Googled yourself recently, you're not alone. The majority of American adults, 57 percent, now keep tabs on their reputations online, using search engines to track information about their Internet identities, according to a report from the Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project [based on results from telephone interviews of 2,253 individuals in 2009], released today [May 26, 2010]. That's up from 47 percent in 2006" (Rettner, “Most people . . . ,” May 26, 2020). So, I’m not alone; this is what I discovered.

I used quotation marks around my name, and there were 117,000 results (January 14, 2011), but in 26 pages, only 260 web sites were displayed. That doesn’t mean I was disappointed, because Google told me that the remaining sites duplicated what was contained in those displayed, and I had already seen a great deal of duplication. It took me several hours to wade through some of the sites, and in this essay I want to report my findings.

Perhaps the largest number of sites displayed were those that sold copies of my books. Having written somewhere between 15 and 20, that isn’t surprising. Many offered used copies of the various editions of my current college textbook, Communicating Effectively. Once again, that isn’t surprising given the fact that it is in its tenth edition (March 18, 2011) and has been used extensively around the world. (Communicating Effectively was written with Saundra Hybels who died in 1999.)

Speaking of “around the world,” I found it interesting that there were sites that had to be translated from Arabic, Chinese, Indonesian, Thai, Polish, and Spanish. Some were quoting from my textbooks, using my textbooks in their footnotes and references, or citing me as a communication expert. Some years ago my Communicating Effectively textbook was translated into Chinese, but that doesn’t necessarily explain all the foreign web sites mentioning my name or my books. My textbook, Research in Speech Communication with Raymond Tucker and Cynthia Berryman-Fiink (Prentice-Hall, 1981) was mentioned frequently.

There were several web sites that occurred simply because of the use of my quotation, “One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone.” I found it in a number of places, but one of the most interesting was John Mark Ministries where they listed the quotation under the heading, “Quotes to Help With Sickness and Illness.”

Quite a few of the web sites displayed had copies of previous academic articles published during my professional career as a teacher. For example, “Ten Specific Techniques for Developing Humor in the Classroom,” (Winter, 1987, Education, 108, No. 2, pp. 167-179) was mentioned several times. “Faculty Dynamation: Guided Empowerment” (Spring/Summer, 1990, Innovative Higher Education 14, No. 2 with co-authors Darrell G. Mullins, Howard W. Cottrell, and Thomas A. Michel) was mentioned several times as well

My YouTube videos appear on a wide variety of web sites. At the ChaCha web site, the “Stand Up, Speak Well” video appears, and at the “Types of Research Evidence,” my video titled “The Curse of Knowledge” is front and center.

When you write as much and as widely as I have, the chances for misquotations and distortions becomes greater than those who do not. At Puritan Daily Life, those who write for the site went almost as far as they could go (in distorting the information) when they stated: “The aboriginal branch of the essay, ‘Self-discipline can change your life in any way you appetite [sic] it to,’ reads as follows: During my aboriginal years, I heard from my parents bout [sic] the Puritan assignment [sic] ethic, but every time I heard the byword [sic] it was affiliated with alive [sic] heard. Never did I apperceive [sic] that it was Biblically based . . . .” And, my name was assigned to the quotation. Can you figure it out? I could not. I hope it’s never cited as an example of my best work!

Thomas Walton’s The (Toledo) Blade’s January 3, 2011, p. A-7, op-ed column titled, “‘It was a dark and stormy night’ . . . or not,” which printed readers responses to a request Walton made on December 6, 2010, in a column titled, “In search of the Great Opening Paragraph.” Walton wrote readers: “Send me your best opening paragraph for the novel that’s been kicking around in your head.” I wrote, “Her scent lingered momentarily, then dispersed as if a light breeze had massaged the fibers of my soul. When fully recovered I became alive and aware, then conscious of my past. With that mindful insight I realized I was not to have her, and I was surprisingly at peace.” What surprised me was that on January 14, 2011, just 11 days later, the quotation (and Walton’s op-ed column) appeared on a Chinese web site.

On the web site “Frankly Speaking," for Thursday, August 23, 2007, Frank Bellizzi, a college teacher and campus minister, used six paragraphs of my speech, “Sticky Ideas,” that highlighted and discussed “The Curse of Knowledge” (August, 2007, “Sticky Ideas,” Vital Speeches of the Day, p. 354), to stimulate a discussion on his web site. I never received a request to use the material nor gave permission. He thoroughly credited the source (me! —as well as the authors I cited), but normal ethical behavior would have suggested a request was in order.

One of the surprises (although it shouldn’t have been a surprise had I simply thought more about it!), was the large number of publishers and authors who used my reviews of their books to advertise and sell their books on the Internet. Many of the web sites displayed offered my reviews. Once again, having posted well over a hundred reviews on Amazon.com, this would be an expected outcome, and I am delighted that so many have found my reviews well-written, concise, and flattering enough to reprint them in other contexts. Thank you.

Source/footnote: Rettner, Rachael. (May 26, 2010). “Most people Google themselves now.” LiveScience. Retrieved January 14, 2011.
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At Wikipedia.com, their brief explanation of “Egosurfing” and the various other terms for it is delightful: “Egosurfing (usually referred to as Googling yourself and sometimes called vanity searching, egosearching, egogoogling, autogoogling, self-googling, master-googling) is the practice of searching for one's own given name, surname, full name, pseudonym, or screen name on a popular search engine, to see what results appear.”

At the BrownNoser web site, Eric Johnson writes the following two paragraphs to open his article, “Catholic Church Condems Googling Yourself As a Sin”: “Some people do it every now and then. Some do it multiple times a day. Some are simply addicted. But regardless of how often you do it, the Catholic church wants you to stop it.

“Googling yourself, a longstanding pastime since Google's launch in 1998, is just as wrong in the Catholics' eyes as murder, adultery and wearing non-silly hats, according to Pope Benedict XVI. Speaking from his balcony in Vatican City, the Pope said Googling is a strong contributor to society's moral decay.”
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Copyright January, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

New Year's Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 04:00:00 PST

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

What greater way to prepare for the New Year than by sharing with my readers, my favorite New Year’s jokes? There is no order here. Some are clearly better than others, but I thought all of them had merit—or they wouldn’t be included. Most give quick and sufficient testimony to what happened to me: When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. Let’s begin with a letter to the lord dated January 1st:
   Dear Lord
   So far this year I've done well.
   I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
   Amen

You’ve heard of the serenity prayer? This is the senility prayer:
       God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
       The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
       And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Many New Year’s resolutions are about dieting: It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds. The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak. The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat. An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and dessert.

About dieting, Jackie Gleason said, “A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.”

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
   “I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
   “And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.
   “My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
   “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

Now for a joke that is very sad. There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

After listening to some bedtime stories, Alex, a little boy, said to his father, “Snow White was poisoned by an apple, Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom. And you wonder why I won't eat fruit and vegetables?”

And a final joke (another one) that has nothing to do with New Years, but offers us all something to think about. A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

       The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years."

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

It was Oscar Wilde who said, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” May the new year bring you health, wealth, and prosperity. Of course, that’s the same toast someone made at your wedding, and where did that get you?
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At About.com , the essay there, by Amber J. Tresca, “10 Tips for Keeping New Year's Resolutions: The best way to stick with your resolution is to plan ahead.,” offers realistic tips and great advice.

Sue Shallenbarger, at the web site , offers the essay, “A Cheat Sheet for Keeping Resolutions .” Like the essay above, there are realistic tips and great advice here as well.
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Christmas ambiance

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It’s true, we work at creating a Christmas ambiance. It is a warm, delightful, memorable environment that is created not just by one or two special features but with at least five elements that, together, make a difference.

The lighting is diffused, but it comes from candles in the window and unblinking white Christmas tree lights that are coordinated with evergreens across the mantle that have similar lighting. They produce a calming effect. There is a ceramic Christmas tree in the dining room with multi-colored lights, a white-lighted Christmas tree on our porch, and the sway hung from the arch between the living and dining rooms has multi-colored lights.

Our Christmas tree — what I call our “Memory Tree” — is hung with the trinkets and small souvenirs we collect on our many road and cruise trips. In addition, it is strung with artificial cranberries and artificial popcorn, but what gives it a true Early-American flavor is the baby’s breath that fills all the nooks and crannies when the tree is finally, fully decorated.

Music contributes to the ambiance as well. As I have collected the close to 100 Christmas CDs over the years, I have concentrated mostly on CDs that have music without singers or singing. It is soothing, restful, peaceful, and creates a light mood that fills the senses. I have CDs that feature the piano by itself as well as others that include solo performances using the flute, harp, saxophone, hammered dulcimer, pan flute, and other such instruments.   I enjoy light classics as well as traditional carols, but it is the effect of the pleasant background that creates the true ambiance.

We have a fireplace in our living room, and at Christmas we light the ceramic-wood-looking logs. The fire along with all the other Christmas lights provide enough light for family members to converse, drink their hot tea, eggnog, or hot spiced cider and nibble on crackers topped with smoked oysters, cream cheese and black or red caviar, as well as other Christmas hors d’oeuvers.

Our final contribution to the Christmas ambiance is developing a pleasant scent. We have found that vanilla home fresheners serve this purpose. Other methods include burning scented candles or simmering a holiday potpourri on the stove.

When I come to the dining-room table in the morning for breakfast by myself, it is before the sun comes up. While everything is dark, I turn on the Christmas lights of three trees as well as the archway greenery between the living and dining rooms, put on a Christmas CD that has no words, and simply bask in the wonderful Christmas ambince.

It is, indeed, Christmas ambiance, and it doesn’t exist just in our home. No matter what your religion or what you believe, there is no escaping holiday programs, decorations, and special Christmas events. Maybe I’m a softie (I know I am!), but I am deeply affected by the holiday spirit.

When I see the houses in my neighborhood all lit up, when I see stores heavily decorated, and even the stores with aisles and aisles of Christmas merchandise, and then when it snows and everything is white, it just reinforces all the joy I feel sitting in my house. For me, all of this has to do with joyfulness, celebration, and a true sense of belonging — not just to a wonderful, supportive, and delightful family, but to a neighborhood and a community.

When everyone is enjoying the holidays, there is an invisible bonding that occurs that keeps the human connections vibrant, alive, and important.

I am fully cognizant of those people who object to having manger scenes on public grounds — and I completely agree with their purpose in maintaining the separation of church and state — but I have always felt that this isn’t the proper season for protest, objection, or demonstration. These points can just as easily be made, discussed, and decisions made at other times. Not at Christmas. Christmas is the season for joy, happiness, and celebration.

Think about it, there aren’t enough times during the year (or even in our lives) when everyone comes together with all of their lights, decorations, Christmas programs, and special seasonal events to proclaim and reflect the holiday spirit.

You can claim that all of this —everything designed to celebrate Christmas — is designed with the express purpose of proclaiming the birth of Jesus, but I would contend otherwise. That may explain some of the etymology of Christmas, but in no way does that need to explain how it has evolved. I believe that everything that is Christmas — all of the ambiance and spirit — can be clearly seen and enjoyed without the haze of religion clouding the topic. That is, indeed, the point of this essay: how easy it is to enjoy everything that is Christmas for the sheer joy of the lights, appreciation of the decorations, delight in the music, acknowledgment of the scents, and ability to take in the special events that mark the annual event.
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The Purpose of Christmas website, offers wonderful information as well as a terrific, informative, and interesting article by Tom Flynn, “What Today’s Americans Need to Know about Xmas.”

Alyice Edrich’s essay, “Get Into the Christmas Spirit,” at the Ezine@rticles website, offers twelve specific ways to get into the Christmas Spirit. She ends her essay saying, “Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's something that will make you feel good about yourself and the season.”

Kat Apf’s essay, “Simple ways to get into the Christmas spirit for the holidays,” at the Hellium website offers eight different ways. Kat discusses the topics, music, food, volunteer, small people, religion, friends, Christmas cards, and decorate. “In the end,” Kat finishes the essay saying, “Just relax and do the things you enjoy and the Christmas spirit will most likely follow.”
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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Self-discipline can change your life in any way you want it to

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 04:00:00 PST

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

During my early years, I heard from my parents about the Puritan work ethic, but every time I heard the phrase it was connected with working hard. Never did I know that it was a biblically based teaching on the necessity of hard work, perfection, and the goodness of labor.

Only when I was in college and pursued research on New England preachers, did I realize that it was protestant preachers who preached on the goodness and the necessity of labor for its effect on humans, of course, but more broadly, for its effect on Christian society.

Although the term was coined by Max Weber, the phrase “Puritan work ethic” was part of 1800s American culture, and it was seen by some Americans as one of the cornerstones of national prosperity. The Puritans may have personally defined it by saying, “I am to be honest, hard working, reliable, sober, mindful of the future, appropriate in my relationships, successful, and thereby give glory to God,” but, I am certain my parents used it strictly as a motivational tool: “You’ve got to work hard son, if you want to make anything of your life.”

Perhaps it was the philosophy or maybe it was just good genes, but I was never one to shy away from hard work. I have always thought of self-discipline as the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state, and I have come to use the words “self-discipline” in place of the Puritan work ethic, because I want to be in control of my life. In my mind, it is exactly as William Feather said: “If we don’t discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.” Self-discipline puts the control in our own hands.

Now we know that self-discipline can be a stronger predictor of success than IQ (Psychological Science, Vol. 16:12 (December 2005), p. 939).

Just as I was told that the Puritan work ethic was a vital characteristic of successful people, I make the same claim for self-discipline. To face the challenges and problems along the path to success and achievement, you have to persevere and be strong. It is self-discipline that helps you control your actions and stay on track.

It doesn’t take much reading or observation to acknowledge lack of self-discipline. Problems such as being overweight, procrastinating, debt, poor relationships, excessive stress, poor work performance, laziness, smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, negative habits, poor appearance, and many others can be traced to our tendency to justify our words, actions, and behaviors. Self-discipline along with passion and planning can wipe out these problems. Within the domain of problems it can solve, it is unmatched. Although the problems we face and the methods we use to deal with them will vary, the underlying solution remains the same.

Self-discipline affects your confidence, because being in control will boost your confidence and esteem. It affects how you see yourself, because your self image will be better when you know you can succeed and change. It affects your ability to see projects through, allows you to stay focused, and it can change your life in any way you want it to.

Self-discipline is like a muscle. The more you train it, the stronger you become; the less you train it, the weaker you become. Just as most people have weak muscles compared with how strong they could become with training, most people are weak in their level of self-discipline.

There is an old story about a man who went to a tattooist because he had always wanted a tattoo of a lion on his back. The tattooist started to sketch the tail into the man’s torso: “Ouch! What are you doing?” asked the man. “I’m doing the lion’s tail” replied the tattooist. “Well then for goodness sake let’s have a lion without a tail!” said the man, wincing in pain.

Next the artist set about on the Lion’s whiskers. “Ouch!” cried the man, “What’s that?” “The whiskers!” said the tattooist, getting increasingly irritated. “Well let’s have a lion without whiskers!” moaned his customer.

The tattooist then set about doing the Lion’s back. “No that hurts too!” shouted the man. At this, the tattooist finally lost his patience with the man’s lack of self-discipline. Throwing down his tools and the man out of his shop, he shouted, “How can you expect to get what you want without a little discomfort?”

You become handicapped when you base your decisions purely on your comfort level? It is too easy to have a wishbone where your backbone should be. It was Beverly Sills, the opera singer, who said, “There are no short cuts to any place worth going.”

The more you use your muscles, the stronger they get. It is the exercised muscle that lifts the weight. Mastering self-discipline can be learned, and with it you can accomplish anything. Without it, nothing worthwhile or lasting can be achieved.

If you want greater self-discipline, start exercising your self-discipline muscles. How? Work first, then play. When doing something new, resist the fear of being a “phony”; as you improve, the feeling lessens. Keep company with disciplined people; often, we imitate those with whom we associate. Tolerate discomfort gracefully. Take advantage of high-energy moods, knowing they won’t last. Imitate those you admire. Divide large tasks into smaller ones. Take risks knowing that life without them is safe but boring. Practice your new skills and exercising on and off all day, if not physically, at least mentally. Often, mental rehearsal can be as good as physical as long as it is directed and purposeful. Finally, sleep on important decisions knowing that it prevents impulsive actions.

If you tend to be undisciplined, use the little discipline you have to build more. The more disciplined you become, the easier life gets. Challenges once impossible will seem like child’s play as you learn new skills, overcome difficulty and hardships, and improve your life. Because we are what we repeatedly do, self-discipline will not be an act, but a habit.
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Remez Sasson’s essay, “Self-Discipline: Its Benefits and Importance,” at the website SuccessConsciousness, offers specific steps for developing self-discipline and, too, ways to make acquiring it easier.

SpiritLeo at HubPages, offers an excellent essay that offers guidelines for developing it in your personal life and on the job. Also, he discusses three systems that will help offer guidance and direction.
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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

One of the best things to have up your sleeve

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 04:00:00 PST

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

You can hear our table at almost any function we attend as a group. It is the loudest because of the laughter and joy being shared. There were eight of us at the table in a Chinese buffet, and each time there was an outburst of laughter, I looked around to notice that we caught the eye of almost everyone else in the restaurant. After awhile it became accepted and understood: we were having a great deal of fun.

Now, we didn’t purposefully raise our four children to have a sense of humor, but if we had tried, we couldn’t have done better than we did. All are grown now with their own families, and all share our sense of humor. It isn’t that we were laughing all the time, it’s just that when things are funny we laugh. It’s just that there are so many opportunities to make a humorous aside, to add a needed punch line, or to see the humor in natural, ordinary, everyday events.

When our family gets together, we laugh.

All during the time our children were young, one thing we all knew is that we would be having dinner together. We would discuss the day’s events, what was going on in our children’s lives, current events, as well as questions and concerns. But, always, we would laugh and have fun. I remember a number of times when our children would bring friends for dinner, they would remark about how much fun they had at our mealtimes.

My wife and I never used humor for a specific purpose, although we were well aware that by using it, it served a number of purposes. For example, we used it as a way to connect with our kids. Often, when our kids were depressed, feeling angry or upset, humor helped them replace their distressing emotions. Another thing we discovered is that when one of our children didn’t want to talk about what happened during their day, or they were simply not wanting to talk about anything, humor would change their behavior. We would begin slowly, and as soon as the rest of us (we have a family of six) were chatting, kidding, and laughing, we would find everyone getting involved, talking more and making more eye contact.

Dinnertime at our house often preceded evenings of doing school assignments and projects as well as homework. Seldom did an evening consist of watching television. Our dinnertime conversations increased our energy. I found on a regular basis, when I had class work, writing, or lecture preparation planned for an evening, inevitably our conversations and interactions over dinner refreshed and invigorated me. It was as if I could begin my evening activities as if I was starting out in the morning. (I am a morning person for the most part.)

There are some important “teaching moments” where humor can serve as a catalyst. Many of these were specifically designed to help our kids lighten up. For example, we tried to help them not take themselves too seriously. Of course, this is more important as the kids get older — after they become aware that the world does not revolve around them.   Our kids were given a certain amount of freedom in how they dressed, what they chose to play with, and how they talked. There were obvious parameters or general guidelines, but seldom did we ever find ourselves having to define these or remind our kids of them. For example, school dress codes had to be observed, when an item was forbidden in school, they could not disobey the rule, and swearing and cussing were never allowed. Most of these items, however, were clarified by the examples my wife and I set for them, so there was seldom, if ever, questions.

Openness is an important characteristic to establish in family conversations. Our kids were encouraged to share their experiences, even their embarrassing moments. Sometimes, it simply requires putting things into perspective. For example, when a child is punished for doing something wrong at school, there is no doubt that school authority must never be undermined in any way; however, “doing something wrong” can be placed into the experience of learning, getting an education, "the school of hard knocks,” or simply “how the lessons of life must sometimes be learned.”

My wife and I were never troublemakers and, fortunately, never were our kids. But, the testing that goes on while we are in school, pushing the frontiers of acceptability, and trying to get away with something all are methods of learning, and when it comes to the “lessons of life,” they are useful, important, and memorable. I remember the first time I ever skipped school, faked a “sick” note from home, cheated on a test, or used another student’s ideas as my own. No, these are not proud moments; however, they are lessons, and the questions parents can ask their children if any situations like these occur are: “How did it make you feel?” “What did you learn from this experience?” “If you were to face the same situation again, would you do the same thing?” “Can you understand why this is improper behavior?” “If you were a parent or teacher, and you discovered one of your children or students had done this, what would you do?” (If punishment took place. . . ): “Do you think the punishment you received was correct?” “What would you have done?”

What my wife and I discovered is — after a history of dinner table conversations — family members could begin to laugh at themselves. Children often take themselves too seriously, and it helps them to hear similar experiences shared by parents --- and parents, too, who are willing to admit their own errors and weaknesses. Often, we could take our children’s lead. That is, we were the ones learning from them. We often found them the experts on playing, taking life lightly, and laughing. It was a great experience when they would bring jokes they heard from friends, in school, or in their reading to the dinner table. It not only gave them the spotlight, but it provided them, too, a sense of control, a chance to test their own perceptions about what’s funny and what isn’t, and a way to deliver information and ideas in a secure situation that was important to them.

When problems were discussed in an open manner, within the context of enjoyment and sharing, our children soon learned about situations that were worth getting upset over, what was important and what was not, that most situations were reparable (they are not life or death), and, too, they learned how to own their problems.

When I gave a speech some years ago I used the phrase, “One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.” That phrase from my speech was discovered and used in an issue of Reader’s Digest and still later, as a result of publication in the Digest it was picked up by Garborg’s (Bloomington, MN) and published in their perpetual calendar, “Cherished Thoughts,” where it appears with my name attached, on April 24th. Having a funny bone up your sleeve is something that can be taught, and if parents were smart, it can be begun early and carried through a lifetime. What a terrific gift for children --- implant a funny bone!
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At HelpGuide.org there is a wonderfully helpful, thorough, and well-written essay, “Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter.” Our children were lucky to grow up in a house where they were surrounded with laughter. There was an appropriate quotation that applies in this essay: “Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life.”

The essay “Creating a Close Family,” at Internet of the Mina includes a wonderful section, “Participation and Cooperation,” which discusses the following qualities: commitment,
connectedness, acceptance , appreciation, trust and safety, truthfulness, flexible rules,
response-ability, and healthy boundaries. There is much more in this essay, but this is the information that directly relates to my essay.
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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Must-have Christmas presents

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

If you are a regular reader of my blog (posted, too, on Facebook) there are several things you know about me (maybe even more!). First, you know that I am a reader of a wide range of non-fiction books, since I have now posted more than 200 book reviews on the blog. Second, you know that I love quotations and aphorisms and thoughts, which I have collected in a book entitled SMOERs -Self Motivation, Optimism, Encourage Rules: Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living, which has a website all of its own.

The book, SMOERs gives 365 daily, motivational, suggestions like “Take time to smell the roses,” “Be willing to change,” “Enjoy the best years of your life,” and “Break out from conformity,” that are supported by an average of four quotations each day. The quotations range from classical writers such as Cicero and Aristotle to modern-day prophets such as Oprah Winfrey, Carol Burnett.and Zig Zigler. I’ve even included a number of my own quotations when I was looking for some incredibly profound, insightful, or wise comments. (I’m kidding about the profound, insightful, and wise characterization, but not about including some of my own quotes.)

If you were looking for a Christmas present for the person who has everything, this would be a perfect present. You can purchase it at Amazon.com. It even has a picture of a perfect s’more on the cover that illustrates the perfection within! (Kidding again!)

Now, I have moved away from the thoughts captured in paragraph one, above. Another thing you have learned about me, if you are a regular reader of my blog, is that I write motivational essays. Whether it was delivering college lectures, giving speeches to different organizations (16 of which were published in Vital Speeches of the Day), writing college textbooks, or creating essays for our local newspaper, I have been involved with motivational material my entire professional life.

As a result of my interest in motivational material, I have assembled my most profound, stimulating, and inspiring essays in a book entitled You Rules - Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life!, which is a collection of the best of the best! If you know of someone who needs to read uplifting information, who needs a boost in their lives to get them off square one (or out of a rut), or who simply enjoys reading self-improvement material, this book is a great choice. There are no age restrictions involved. In this 316-page book, there are 50 essays.

The essays in You Rules (which is available at Amazon.com) begin by establishing the foundation for growth, development, and change — learning to be optimistic, developing a positive attitude, getting out of comfort zones, and getting organized.   The next section, “Strive to be healthy,” discusses what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle. The third section, “Get where you want to go,” offers suggestions for developing self-disciple, managing yourself, pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps, controlling worry, developing memory, and moving to the front of the pack. “Exercising your creativity” is the fourth section, and readers will find all the ingredients necessary for developing the characteristics of successful, creative people. The fifth section discusses how to maintain progress toward your goals by dealing with failure, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable influences, and making self-improvements last. The final section on looking toward a positive future has essays on developing a growth mindset, understanding and achieving forgiveness, becoming a loving human being, and living the good life.

Speaking of possible Christmas presents — presents people would really enjoy finding under their Christmas tree — I want to recommend several other books. A neighbor of mine wanted me to give his daughters some lessons in effective public speaking, because he knew of its importance in the world. I told him to order my book, Public Speaking Rules: All You Need for a GREAT Speech! and then, if he had any additional questions, to ask me. At a later meeting he admitted purchasing the book at Amazon.com, having both his daughters read it, and finding (after asking them) that it really helped them. He said, the information is straightforward and to the point, the suggestions can be easily followed, and the advice is accurate and useful. Of course, I thanked him (and, thus, avoided giving some individual tutoring lessons).

Public Speaking Rules, a book designed for all those involved in public speaking of any kind, and it grew out of over 30 years of writing, lecturing, and speaking about it. Counting all the editions of my textbooks I have written over 30, and many include aspects of public speaking. Immersed in the area, I have distilled what I know and what I know works, and put it all into this 180-page, nuts-and-bolts book that tells it like it is and, too, is available at Amazon.com.

Another great Christmas gift idea is the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment, which, once again, is a distillation and condensation of all the work I have done in the area of interpersonal communication. If you have anyone going into, just coming out of, or planning to enter a relationship, this book is one of those “must read” items that really “tells it like it is.” You can find it at Amazon.com just as you can all of the books mentioned in this essay.

Some of my fondest Christmas memories can be traced back to those times when I unwrapped books. They are wonderful Christmas presents and they create dual memories — one set of memories when they are opened and another set of memories when they are read. Please think about the books in this essay — especially if you have people on your list who are difficult to please, hard to buy for, or just enjoy good books.
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There are other books that make great Christmas gifts as well. The first, How to Be Funny on Purpose: Creating and Consuming Humor, by Edgar E. Willis, offers serious readers the history of humor on radio and television, specific instructions on how to create humor, and ways to listen to, analyze, and appreciate humor. It is available at Amazon.com.

If you have anyone in your family who served in World War II or is currently in the military he or she will enjoy the book Civilian in an Ill-fitting Uniform: Memoir of World War II, by Edgar Willis. Not only does this book provide a personal look at the war (and it’s not all favorable!), but it gives readers the historical context for the war as well. This one is available at Amazon.com, too.

Access my blog at Andthensomeworks.com. for book reviews, news about And Then Some Publishing, quotations, essays, and Friday's "LAUGH . . . And Then Some."

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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

How long should you hold a grudge?

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 04:00:00 PST

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Asked how long he holds a grudge, one fellow replied, “Until hell freezes over.” Another said, it depends on two things: 1) the intent, and 2) the gravity of the situation. Yet another person said, “If the person is an idiot, I simply consider the source and dismiss both the person and the comment or situation.” And the final person asked, said, “I turn the other cheek.”

The only reason this topic came up has to do with a father-in-law who never lets grudges die. He doesn’t listen to Diane Sawyer for the national news because she went to work for President Richard Nixon's administration in 1970. At first she served in the White House press office, and after Nixon resigned, she helped him with his memoirs. He can never forgive her and will always hold the grudge and never watch her deliver the national news.

He cannot forgive a doctor for coming to an appointment late; he cannot forgive a fellow (a former husband of his granddaughter) because of a belief/theory that he took a lockbox from his home; he cannot forgive a nurse who gave him wrong advice (non-essential).

He holds grudges, too, against John McCain not just for his flip-flops on his principles but for bringing us Sarah Palin. He holds more serious grudges against Newt Gingrich because he is a multiple adulterer, a draft dodger, a dead-beat dad, an advocate of family values and yet asking for a divorce while his wife was in the hospital, and his house banking scandal (he bounced 22 checks) — among other things. At one website it says, “Gingrich was apparently dating [Callista] Bisek all during [the] Clinton-Lewinsky adultery scandal, even as he proclaimed family values and bitterly criticized the President for his adultery.” These grudges will never die.

There are many reasons we hold grudges according to the Psychology Today website. In an article there, “How to forgive others,” by Alex Lickerman, M.D., six reasons are listed. Mine are adapted from his.   First, one reason we hold grudges is that we can’t let go of our anger. Second, we want to satisfy our sense of justice and, thus, we hold the grudge because we believe the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness. Third, not to hold a grudge is to condone what the offender did. Fourth, our grudge doesn’t let our offender off the hook without punishment. Our grudge is our personal punishment of our offender. Fifth, to hold the grudge is to harm as we've been harmed. It feels satisfying   Sixth, we feel the offender is incapable of good behavior; thus, our grudge reduces the other’s sense of humanness. The grudge prevents us from believing they have any positive characteristics at all.

The essential message with respect to holding grudges is that when you hold a grudge you let someone else (the other person) severely influence your thinking and, perhaps, your behavior. It gives the other person too much power, and it diminishes your own power and control. There is a great deal of negative energy involved in holding grudges, thus, it hurts you, not the other person. Holding a grudge serves no good purpose.

Now, I’m not saying that there are no reasons for initiating or holding grudges, but how long to hold them has a lot to do with the kind of infraction committed and the importance of the issue to the individual who was wronged. Within relationships, a variety of elements determine the answer to how long to hold them. Think about it. How much relationship history is involved? How much do you value the relationship? How much do you value the other person? How strongly do you feel the other person is committed to the issue? Do you think the other person is likely to change his or her commitment over time? You get the point: there are many issues involved.

At the website, TheHappySelf: Personal transformation for thinking people, the essay, “Don’t hold a grudge!” offers six specific steps for getting over grudges through forgiveness.   There are many websites with suggestions and guidelines for achieving forgiveness, but I thought these were reasonable and achievable. First, commit to letting go by admitting that you have grudges, and the longer you harbor them the less peace of mind and the more personal misery and suffering. Second, shift your focus by spending your time and energy on happier things. Third, make a grudge list by listing on a sheet of paper every grudge and resentment that occurs to you. Be honest.   Now, fourth, confess. Tell a confidante about each of the grudges listed. Not only will this offer relief, but it will make you feel better, too. Fifth, read over your grudges one by one, and say goodbye to each one — goodbye to the misery, pain, and suffering they have caused. Sixth, forgive yourself and move on.

Remember, by forgiving yourself and moving on, you are doing something that will benefit yourself by improving, strengthening, and advancing your thinking and behavior. Why? Because constant thinking about the people or events that made you establish the grudge in the first place only heightens the feelings that make you moody, anxious, irritable, and short tempered. Carrying the grudge erodes your best thinking, corrodes your behavior, and wears away your happiness and contentedness.

It always helps me to remember that I cannot control the actions of others. To try is to waste valuable time and effort. What I have total control over is my own thoughts and actions. This is power. Thus, if I can stop all the negative thoughts about events, actions, and situations that others have caused, I can stop reliving that hurt and move on. It is important, I have found, to realize I have the choice to move on. I have the power. I just have to remember to exercise the power I have.

To answer the question that is the title of this article, no one has cornered the market on how long grudges may be held. The best answer to the question, how long should you hold grudges is another question: How quickly should you dispense with grudges? The answer is clear: as quickly as you can. The essay at TheHappySelf website closes with the comment: “Grudges are the domain of small, petty people, not you, life is too short to be hung up on hate for the whole time that you are here, and being unforgiving may make you feel invulnerable, but it will most definitely cost you happiness in the long run.”

Now, all this information comes a little late for my father-in-law mentioned in the opening examples. There is no doubt he will take his grudges to the grave. But, that makes me wonder. He is 97-years-old! Perhaps holding grudges is the key to longevity.
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The best website I have discovered on letting go of grudges and forgiveness is the MayoClinic website, on Adult Health. The article there, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness, is written by Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., a member of the Mayo Clinic staff. The article covers what forgiveness is, the benefits of forgiveness, why it’s easy to hold a grudge, the effects of holding a grudge, how to reach a state of forgiveness, what happens when you can’t forgive someone, whether or not forgiveness guarantees reconciliation, how to interact with the person who hurt you, what happens when the person you want to change doesn’t, and, finally, Piderman considers the question, “What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness?” This is a great article.

At LiveStrong there is a great deal of information in the essay, “Handling Forgiving and Forgetting,” that covers what is forgiving and forgetting, the negative consequences of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, and the steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Learning to dance in the rain

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

It was Vivian Green who said, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.” Life presents storms; if we wait for one to pass, inevitably another lurks on the horizon or angrily stomps its way into our lives—not to be overlooked nor avoided.

So many factors enter our lives uninvited and, for the most part, unwanted. Think about those in the midst of divorce, out-of-work, financially challenged, taking care of elderly or physically challenged family members, dealing with the death of a parent, child, or spouse, or in other similar traumatic circumstances. The number of potential factors, of course, is overwhelming. Any of them can put our lives on hold, arrest plans, or cause an uncontrollable tailspin, the likes of which we have not previously known.

Meanwhile—while the tempest rants, raves, and bellows at our senses—we are at the mercy of its unyielding energy. Meanwhile, too, time ticks away. If we do not learn how to dance in the rain, there may be no time for dancing at all.

This essay is not making a case for being carefree, flippant, or nonchalant during times of extreme stress; however, a case needs to be made for not shelving our freedoms, joys, and happiness when such times occur. There still needs to be time for us—for dancing in the rain. Plans can continue, and lives can and must go on—the storms will pass.

At TeensHealth from Nemours, the author of the essay, “People React Emotionally and Physically,” writes in the first paragraph, “When coping with a death [or any traumatic circumstance], you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty, exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before.”

Later in this same essay, the author writes, “No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss.”

One important point in dealing with the storms that come into our lives is to be mentally and physically strong—learn to dance well before the storms—for it is only in this condition that one can expect to face and weather them effectively. When storms catch us already mentally and physically drained, the challenge can quickly become too much. Exercising, eating right, and getting sufficient sleep provides a strong foundation from which good decisions can be made and appropriate responses and reactions can be offered.

Learning to dance in the rain means caring for yourself throughout a storm. There are a number of “understandings” that will assist in the “dance.” For example, realize that you are not being “singled out.” Such traumas (no matter how extreme) happen to everyone, and they are—unfortunately—part of life. To live is to suffer trauma.

Do not isolate yourself. Family, friends, and neighbors offer support and encouragement. They are there to fortify a broken spirit, buoy up a grief-stricken heart, and shore up a battered mindset. Isolation is not good. It is the very thing that leads people to severe depressive episodes, and even worse, thoughts of suicide.

Permit some cathartic release. Some people find release of their pent-up emotions through talking with others. Talk about your feelings; tell of your emotional connections; relate the story of what has happened to you. Another way to express yourself is through writing. Use your diary or create a daily log of your thoughts and feelings. Some, too, will write a story, article, song, essay, poem, or book. This may become a tribute, or it may simply be a way to find some closure to all that has happened.

Do not drop out. Traumas can be so overwhelming they cause some to say, “Why go on at all?” “What difference does living make?” “Now there is no purpose in life.” Devastating should never be the same as destructive. We can be devastated by a traumatic event, but in no way should that be cause for us to drop out or destroy our life. The human spirit is amazingly resilient, and, although it is difficult to fathom it when in the midst of severe trauma, life can have meaning and joy again—if you have learned to dance before and during the storm.

At the web site, Mothering Mother and More the essay there by Carol Dodell, “Can you Grieve too Much?” includes the following paragraph about learning to dance in the rain, “Some people can and need to go right back into their jobs and life after a tragedy. It makes them feel normal, safe, that life has some continuity and gives their life meaning. These are good reasons to keep on course, and if that’s what you need, what works for you, then don’t feel guilty or think you’re not showing the proper response of grief just because you can go on with you life.”

At LegacyConnect, “How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?” Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes, “That the amount of kairos time [‘the time within which personal life moves forward.’] it takes each of us to reach a place where the loss is integrated into our lives but does not dominate our lives is longer than ‘the person on the street’ might suggest. Many folks around us would like for the process to be shorter rather than longer because they are not comfortable with the whole experience of grieving. As a society, we have cultural practices that suggest grieving should be short. (Don’t, for instance, many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member?)”

The quotation by Vivian Green, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain,” carries great significance and meaning. Those already dancing or preparing themselves to dance are likely to be those in the best position to weather storms. The storms will come. Whether liked, welcomed, or otherwise brought forth, they are part of existence. Those who understand, and take to heart, the meaning of Green’s aphorism will experience life’s pleasures even when ravaged by life’s tempestuous nature.
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At extension (Ohio state University Extension), the essay there, “Loss and Grief—Activities to Help You Grieve,” adapted from GriefWorks, Sam Quick, Professor Emeritus, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service, offers twenty excellent practical suggestions that may assist in anyone’s journey of healing and growth.

At a web site labeled Grief and Loss there are three sections: 1) How to recognize the symptoms of Grief, 2) The Tasks of Grief that must be undertaken, and 3) The Stages of Grief. All are good. All offer excellent ideas and suggestions.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

The need for patience

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 04:00:00 PST

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

When I instructed students in how to prepare for job interviews, I told them to turn a negative into a desired positive. For example, when asked the question (as interviewees often are), what would you say is your biggest negative trait? I told them to use their impatience positively. That is, interviewees could say, “I am an impatient person. I have trouble waiting in line. I have difficulty waiting for results to come in. I don’t like wasting time. I prefer solving a problem myself rather than waiting for it to be solved by others.”

In our society today, instant results are preferred simply because they are available. The advertisers for Internet connections speak of the speed of their servers so users can get instant access and instant search results. People shouldn’t have to wait for anything. Not only do the media promote instant access, but expedited responses, prompt solutions, and immediate gratification are not just slogans but guiding principles. Nobody wants delay of any kind, and time is always at a premium.

“Patience,” however, according to the website Essential Life Skills.net “is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It's the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties. It comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear,” according to an essay on patience, “Patience & Tips On How to Develop It.”

We know what it is, but that doesn’t make waiting any easier! The problem is a simple one and it is one that some young people today may not realize. Anything you desire that is worthwhile or important doesn’t take place instantly. Examples, of course, are endless. Losing weight, developing a good body, becoming a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or other professional, getting to be a top athlete, becoming an outstanding musician or artist, overcoming losses or tragedies, and achieving most goals require time, dedication, and effort.

What many people don’t understand when they can’t get what they want instantly are the many benefits of patience. What I had to explain to my students — especially when it came to their college education — was that the time spent in college would help them develop good study skills, allow knowledge and understanding of their world, provide greater understanding of their life choices, develop important people connections, and make them better human beings and citizens. What I was selling, in a nutshell, was patience: the dedication, time, and effort devoted to their college education would have rewards, but all of them required patience to obtain them.

At the website referred to above, Essential Life Skills.net, the author of the essay lists the following benefits of patience: It: “reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person . . . results in better decision-making . . . helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion [and] . . . helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth.”

Admittedly, becoming a more patient person — whether you know, appreciate, or want any of its benefits — is not easy. This is especially true in a society where a message can be sent instantly to almost any place in the world, where one can obtain credit instantly, and where the virtues of immediacy are proliferated daily via any of the media. To settle for patience goes against the perceived majority viewpoint, against what friends and family seem to demand, against the standard seemingly promoted in business and industry and, as a result, against the internalized notion that immediate results can be achieved. Why would anyone need or desire patience?

Rather than discuss the steps for becoming more patient, let me refer readers to a website that includes eleven. At wikiHow, in an essay, “How to be patient,” attributed to more than 25 different contributors, the steps include: 1) keeping a journal, 2) figuring out why you are in such a hurry, 3) pinpointing the triggers that influence why you lose your patience, 4) overcoming bouts of impatience, 5) looking for patterns, 6) letting go if you can’t do anything about the impatience trigger, 7) reminding yourself that things take time, 8) expect the unexpected, 9) give yourself a break, 10) remember what matters, and 11) remember that you will eventually get what you want. Each of these steps is discussed in greater detail at the website, and the explanations are valid and to the point.

In my life, I had a number of examples (during my education) where I discovered patience had virtues. When I first took swimming lessons when I was in third grade in Chapel Hill, NC, I had the desire to become much better, and I knew I had a lot to learn — even at that early age. So, I continued taking lessons at every opportunity, growing, developing, and changing. When available, I took Junior Lifesaving, Senior Lifesaving, Water Safety Instructor, and even a Lifeguard Instructor Course. In high school I joined the swim team, and I swam competitively for several years.

When I realized that writing was going to be important to me no matter what career I pursued, I enrolled in an Advanced English course in high school to be exposed to one of the best English teachers there: Mr. Granville. I knew one course would be insufficient, but I had the patience to know that more would be necessary. Not only did Mr. Granville inspire me, I went on to make English a minor in college so that if I ended up teaching speech in high school (I became certified at the high school level), I could also teach English at that level. I even took a couple of additional English courses during pursuit of my master’s degree.

Getting a complete education — becoming truly knowledgeable in ANY field — requires a great deal of patience, just as developing talent, ability, prowess, or success in any endeavor.

Of the eleven steps above for achieving patience, I have found that number seven, “reminding yourself that things take time,” is (at least for me) the most important one. I am, indeed, an impatient person, and I am often giving myself internal messages to calm me down: “I do not need to be in a hurry,” “I have the time,” “Everyone does not operate at the same speed as I do,” and Cato the Elder’s phrase, “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” It also helps to know, as Saint Augustine said, “Patience is the companion of wisdom.”
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At Self Help Zone there is a wonderful, brief essay, “The Importance Of Having Patience In Our Everyday Lives” that end saying, “If this sounds familiar and it may be what you experience you should really concentrate on being a little more accepting of other people.”

Dr. Beverly Smallwood, at the Personal Development website, has an essay, “How to become more patient," in which she offers readers a short justification for considering patience important and then five strategies for developing it: . 1) Become more realistic in your expectations. Expect and plan for delays, complications, and setbacks. 2. View setbacks as temporary. 3. Keep the mentality of the problem solver, not the victim. 4. Reject bitterness, and, 5. Remember your successes in other difficult situations.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

The value of the journal

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

When I was typing into my computer the handwritten essays I wrote on our Southeast Asia cruise, the experience brought back all the wonderful memories of our trip. To reinforce and accentuate the notes I took, my wife received hard copies of the 400 digital pictures she took, and combined with my notes, the brochures, and ship information, we have a fairly complete representation of our trip.

I haven’t always kept notes about my daily activities, but I have written in a diary for most of my life. I don’t remember when, why, or how I received my first one, but I know it was the five-year kind, and it had little space to write much on each day, but I remember enjoying the process of keeping track of major events.

Even though you may think a person may not keep a diary, I think it makes a great present because it opens the invitation. It offers the recipient a choice to use it or not. It makes it available whereas, otherwise, it would not be. (A young person generally does not go out and buy a diary or journal on his or her own.)

Just an aside here: When I speak on “writing” before 5th-grade classes, I give each student in the class a journal. I explain its value, give them topics to write about, and encourage them to begin writing at once.

What I have learned about keeping a diary or journal is the topic of this essay. The benefits include more than simply going back to find out on which day a certain event took place, whether or not we saw a particular movie (I save the movie receipts in the journal), or the number of a campsite we liked in a park we plan to visit a second time. If these were the only reasons — and I DO use my journal for these purposes — I probably wouldn’t continue the practice.

One of the most important benefits from keeping a journal is the reflecting and understanding it brings. Not every day, but on many days! It gives me time not just to go over a day’s events — which I write down — but time to reflect, evaluate, analyze, and judge the events and my reactions to them. It is like a mental exercise — healthy, beneficial, and satisfying.

Reflection and understanding are healthy for these processes allow me to examine my behavior: how could I do “this” better? How could I do this differently? or, in many of my own cases, How could I do this more efficiently? So often, for example, when I’m keeping score on my accomplishments, I think about how much more I could have done had I not stopped working so early, or had I found a solution to a problem much earlier, or had I known at the start of a day what I knew at the end of a day.

So much of life is repetitious, and I always hope that when I face the same situation a second or third time, I can improve or, to say it a bit differently, that I can bring to the event or situation, a better me. That is what the “and then some” philosophy is all about: becoming a better me. It’s not just a great thought, but it is, indeed, a cause for reflection and increased understanding.

The second major benefit of writing a journal (in addition to reflecting and understanding), is motivation. Life, in addition to being repetitious, is about “doing,” or “getting things done.” There are so many things to do and so little time; thus, life becomes a matter of making choices.

The chance to review my accomplishments in my journal is an opportunity to assess my energy level regarding the next day or the next week. For me, any list of things accomplished is an expression of personal energy and motivation. I don’t often think about it, but I become motivated by accomplishment. And accomplishments, like catalysts, stimulate even more accomplishments. They are like a sign post that points the way toward greater commitment and engagement.

A third reason why writing in a diary or journal is beneficial has to do with emotions. I become emotionally tied to the accomplishments and choices I make. For example, when I have completed a task (like writing this essay, for example), I love to go back and look at what I’ve done — to enjoy it, take pleasure in it, and derive some emotional satisfaction from it. When I re-read and edit what I write, it is a truly gratifying and fulfilling time.

A fourth benefit I derive from keeping a journal has to do with tracking progress. I am always interested in moving forward, striving to improve, seeking enlightenment, and positively pushing my creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions. I have always believed that that is what life should be about. The “good life” is not for slackers! Mine is a dynamic, bold, and ambitious attitude. In the tenth edition of my textbook Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2012), I incorporated a new section entitled “Active Open-Mindedness” (AOM) specifically designed to get readers to think more deeply, reflect on what they are reading, and make thoughtful choices. These sections have been constructed with my goal in mind: getting readers to strive to improve, seek enlightenment, and positively push their creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions. (Whether these sections succeed in satisfying my intentions for including them, I will only know when the tenth edition is reviewed by users.)

There is a fifth benefit to keeping a journal that I suspect may satisfy anyone reading this essay. It is a form of mental activity that keeps me fresh and active. I like the vibrancy and newness of living every day, and I like to capture that new sense of energy on paper for it serves to replenish and revitalize my spirits.

The sixth and final benefit for keeping a journal is that it holds me responsible. These are MY accomplishments, MY achievements, and MY efforts. Because they are MY acts, I take responsibility for MY talent, MY ability, MY competence, and MY aptitude. It makes it all specific and distinct. It lays it out in black-and-white. I can see it and respond to it.

Whether it is reflecting and understanding, motivation, an emotional outlet, tracking progress, a mental activity, responsibility, or all of these combined, I find writing a journal to be enormously satisfying — a major contribution to my health and well-being — and, for those who have never tried it, I highly recommend it.
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At Associated Content the essay there, “The Benefits of Journal Writing,” lists several benefits not mentioned in my essay: 1) Reducing Stress, 2) Increasing Cognitive Functioning, 3) Increasing Creativity and Writing Skills, and 4) Stimulating Self-growth. The author adds 5) Telling Your Own Story.

Melissa Donovan, at the website Writing Forward, has an essay, The Benefits of Journal Writing,” in which she extolls the virtues of journal writing for writers and artists. She begins her terrific essay saying, “Do all writers keep journals? Of course not. But most of us have kept journals at some point and for most of us, journal writing has been instrumental in generating ideas, developing a strong voice, and learning how to flesh thoughts out onto the page.”
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

The storms of life

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

I remember vividly the circumstances surrounding my father’s death just about 16 years ago. I remember divorces, retirement, and dealing with my wife’s mother’s death. These are some of “the storms of life” that have affected my life. Fortunately, in all the cases, I seemed to have (a judgment I am making in retrospect) the resources necessary to face and survive the storms. It is only in retrospect now that I am able to look back and analyze how I survived.

What are our resources — on what can we depend — when we find ourselves faced with “the storms of life”? We have the resources, and we prove that we have them time after time after time; however, daily preparation in building our resources is essential, and the more resources we accumulate over time, the more prepared we are to face the storms of life. That is, our resources are enhanced, underscored, and buttressed when we have sufficiently prepared ourselves when times are good. Ezra Pound said, “A slave is one who waits for someone else to come and free him.” The point of this essay is how you can set yourself free — free to depend on yourself and your resources to face the storms of life.

Preparation is the key, but you must remember that quick cures seldom last. That is, the kind of preparation advocated in this essay involves deep changes, and these changes take time and effort and cannot be done spur-of-the-moment or just when the storms hit.

Preparation is like an insurance policy. You pay into it throughout your life, and on a daily basis, hoping, of course, that you will never have to use it. But, during any storm of life, the insurance policy is there to cover you. Some storms are worse than others so in some cases you will need to draw out more from the insurance policy than at other times.

How do you pay into this insurance policy? Financially, you create a “rainy day fund” that you have available. You may even make certain that your actual, real insurance policy for your automobiles and your house and belongings is paid up, current, and available. That seems like an automatic, intuitive thing that everyone does almost without thinking. (Most insurance companies make it very clear when premiums are due.)

There are many other ingredients (besides finances), and no one ingredient is necessarily better or more important than another. They weigh differently in different people’s lives. One may be sufficient, it is true, to get us through, but I would contend that it is probably the aggregate of ingredients working together that provide the assistance and support needed.

After finances, the second major ingredient is having a support group. In a USA Today article, “Happiness is having friends at church” (USA Today, December 7, 2010, p. 7D), a study originally published in the December (2010) issue of the American Sociological Review by Chaeyoon Lim, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, was reported. The study’s conclusion, provided in the first paragraph of the USA Today article, states: “Attending religious services regularly and having close friends in the congregation are key to having a happier, more satisfying life . . .” (p. 7D). The study does not report “what aspect of religiousness — church attendance, prayer, theology or spirituality — accounts for this level of life satisfaction”; however, the study does report that “the social aspect of religion and a shared religious connection built around identity and belonging” is a key factor.

What is amazing about Lim’s study is that “90% of the correlation between church attendance and life satisfaction can be explained if you have these close interactions” (p. 7D). What a testimony for involved church attendance, and what a testimony, too, for having such close interactions when it comes to the storms of life. They become your safety net.

Of course it doesn’t have to be just religion or religious connections that will provide the safety net when the storms occur. Making certain you have established and continue to nourish your ties with friends, family, and neighbors as well as co-workers, business associates, and other community contacts is important as well. These are the very people likely to come to your aid when the storms hit. Isolation from these associations cannot offer similar outcomes.

There is a third area of preparation in addition to finances and people-to-people connections, however, and that involves staying informed. You never know when having knowledge and information will prove essential. No, you may not need it; however, survival knowledge or where to go for help may, indeed be all you need to know. Broad bases of knowledge about how others have survived similar storms may be all that is needed.

Read widely, keep your eyes and ears open and alert, listen to the news, be aware of what other people say and do, and always stay informed, up-to-date, and enlightened. Be the sharpest knife in the drawer, the brightest bulb in the fixture, and the highest point on the weather vane.

The fourth area of preparation has been a common theme in many of my essays, and there is a whole chapter on it in my book You Rules - Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life and that is to be physically prepared. Remember, too, that physical preparation closely relates to mental preparation.

Physical stamina is important because it allows you to do your best when facing the storms of life. Your regular exercising, proper nutrition and body sustenance, as well as your sleep and conditioning will not just help you to be physically fit when a storm hits, but it will help as well to keep you thinking at your best.

Thinking at your best may mean seeking professional medical, psychological, financial, legal, or spiritual help when you realize they may be your best resource. When you are in doubt, you should never endanger yourself by relying only on yourself and neglecting such experts. In these cases, too, it is important to remember that it is how you go about choosing the experts and how you use what they have to offer that counts.
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At the website Army Well-Being there is a wonderful essay by Rob Schuette, Fort McCoy Public Affairs, “Spiritual resiliency helps soldiers weather life's traumas.” Schuette ends his essay saying, “People can prepare themselves to overcome traumatic events by developing self-confidence, leadership, personal strength, spiritual growth and an appreciation of life.”

At Yahoo! Answers one writer pours out his life in a piece entitled, “After trauma I have literally nothing to do with my life have nothing left and start over continuously..?” What is interesting here is that, first, you will be drawn in to the writer’s plight. Second, read the responses that readers have made. There is some of what I have written about in my essay, but it is also said that there is no way to prepare for such intense trauma. Read it for yourself; you’ll be glad you did.
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Copyright October, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

The true meaning of birthdays: Developing a receptivity to and capacity for wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

As I was getting dressed for church, the call came in on my cell phone, and when I answered, a chorus of youthful, cheerful, and well-prompted singers broke into their rendition of “Happy Birthday” to grandpa. What a great way to begin the day — actually, any day — but particularly this one!

That alone could be the true meaning of birthdays, and this would be a very short essay!

When I was young I thought people my age were “really old,” but I have since changed that attitude for some strange reason! (:-) — smiley emoticon here)

Chronological age does matter, and if someone doesn’t believe it, talk to them about what happens to the physical body as it ages. Often, too, chronological age directly affects mental attitude. As my daughter is fond of saying about almost anything (and this time it refers to age): “It is what it is!” She’s incredibly accurate, and I promised her I would credit her with this phrase (now a well-worn cliche!) if I used it.

I don’t really think age itself is that important, but my wife has pointed out two things as I approach another decade milestone: “Do you realize just how many years we have left?” Her second comment was, “We must travel while we still can.”

Both of her comments are true and must be recognized and honored — and obeyed. When you are in good physical health it is hard to imagine life otherwise.

Speaking of life otherwise, we met a lovely, lively, active couple when cruising. With them we felt comfortable, relaxed, and we so enjoyed their company, we decided to visit them on our Lake Superior, Canadian, fifth-wheel trip less than a year after meeting them. The husband had just died and the wife had a debilitating stroke and was wheelchair bound and had difficulty speaking. Situations like this one force you to face an uncomfortable reality.

That doesn’t, however, reflect on “the true meaning of birthdays.” Their true meaning lies in the history, knowledge, and wisdom we gain with each passing year. If you don’t think so, let me explain.

I have found — over and over, I might add — that with growing older comes an additional history one doesn’t have or appreciate when younger. History allows us to see things with greater perspective. For example, I love seeing young people as they look to their future with hope, romance, and optimism. I taught a large (300 students per semester) interpersonal communication class for many years, and I would solicit student responses on half sheets of paper each lecture period. Asked questions about what they wanted, needed, or desired, they would respond honestly and directly. Without any aggregate of events to support their viewpoints, they lacked perspective about how interpersonal relationships worked or the differences between males and females and what such differences mean. Without a history, they did not yet take life seriously nor understand the purpose of knowing and learning as it related to their future.

Through reading, interacting, and learning we acquire the knowledge to resolve conflicts, solve problems, and make decisions. What Sandra Carey said about the difference between knowledge and wisdom makes sense: “Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.” The older we become the more information and understanding we acquire. It results from experience, practical ability, and skill. But it has always been true that the mere acquisition of knowledge alone, is insufficient, as Carey points out in the quotation above. There is little question about the strengths that knowledge has to offer, but it stops short of wisdom, even though it contributes significantly to its development.

Wisdom involves good, practical judgement, and common sense. Yes, there is a direct, positive correlation between knowledge and wisdom — the greater the knowledge, the greater the likelihood of true and right discernment. One does not guarantee the other, but it certainly increases the likelihood.

If knowledge itself helps supply the information necessary for us to resolve conflicts, solve problems, and make decisions, it is wisdom that helps us decide which conflicts to resolve, the problems that deserve our attention, and the decisions that must be made. Not only that, but wisdom helps, too, discern which resolutions, solutions, and decisions are the best ones. Wisdom, then, is how we make appropriate use of knowledge.

The first clear indicator of when you become wise or when wisdom is revealing itself in your life is when the discovery occurs that you are responsible for your life and for your future. It is a realization that usually occurs sometime during one’s education when you realize that it isn’t your teachers on whom you are dependent, it is you, yourself. That is, whether you learn and what you learn is up to you. Your teachers, just like books, parents, pastors, priests, experiences, etc., are simply purveyors of information.

The second clear indicator of when you become wise or when wisdom is revealing itself in your life is when you acquire a vision and purpose in your life. It is true that others can have an influence in this, but, in the end, it is you and you alone who must acquire, adopt, and accept the vision for your life. Without a vision and purpose, it is possible to wander aimlessly — a characteristic of the unwise and foolish. Vision and purpose are the earmarks of both wisdom and power.

The third and final clear indicator of becoming wise and revealing wisdom is when you take action to realize both your vision and purpose. Not to take action is foolish and unwise. Taking action is the sign of those who not only live with purpose and direction, but they, too, are the ones who will make a difference and bring value to the world.

The true meaning of birthdays is the growth, development, and change we experience as we acquire the history and knowledge that wisdom requires. Wisdom doesn’t automatically come with age, but with determination, persistence, patience, and observation we can make good use of the history and knowledge we acquire and thus develop a receptivity to and capacity for wisdom.
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I thought the definition of wisdom at the Wikipedia website is especially good for this essay: “Wisdom is a deep understanding and realizing of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to choose or act to consistently produce the optimum results with a minimum of time and energy. It is the ability to optimally (effectively and efficiently) apply perceptions and knowledge and so produce the desired results. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true or right coupled with optimum judgment as to action. ”

“How to observe to acquire wisdom” is an essay at Ezinearticles by Aasim Gill. Gill’s ten ideas for improving observation are excellent: 1. Be calm. 2. Have the peace of mind.
3. Talk less. 4. See as much as possible. 5. Improve the movement of your eyes by seeing things one by one and slowly. 6. But you must respond to abrupt changes or movements. 7. The mind should be thinking fast and should not be slow or it may make you dull. 8. Act and behave as slow as the intelligence agents do in movies like James bond. 9. They all observe but they take very quick actions because they are using their mind very quickly. 10. During observation take long breaths consistently, gives oxygen to brain as a food and you will think better and fast.
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Copyright October, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

When the day is done

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 04:00:00 PDT

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It doesn’t take that much to convince me that I’ve had a successful day. One day I repaired a hole in the side of my daughter’s house. Although it was only 3-inches by 3-inches by 1 1/2-inches deep, it took a couple of hours to cut a block of wood to fit into the hole, shape a piece of aluminum flashing to cover the wood piece and more of the rotting wood, screw the flashing to the wood behind one of her gutters with treated screws so they wouldn’t rust, and then seal the area with silicon to protect it from further water penetration.

One day my wife wanted a 24-inch round table about 24-inches off the floor to use for her “Decorating the Tree” Christmas scene. I had an extra 3/4-inch piece of plywood, and it took almost three hours and four different kinds of power saw (a jig saw, a bench saw, a handheld circular saw, and a 10-inch radial-arm saw) to cut the round table, make a 3-inch wide box-support for the legs, cut the legs into the same sizes, attach the legs to the box, then attach the box and legs with metal angle braces and wood glue to the underside of the table. I cut the round table with a jig saw, but I left one right-angled piece so the table would fit into a corner of our dining room and would not move left or right if accidentally hit.

Some days it’s the completion of a couple of book reviews; on some days it’s finishing an essay or two; there are days, too, when I have finished reading two newspapers and some magazines; on some days I have raked all the leaves in the yard, and on yet other days I have paid all of the bills and balanced the checkbook.

What do you say when the day is done? “Thank goodness it’s over,” “My work is not done,” “I have so much more to do,” “I sure look forward to tomorrow,” “I hope tomorrow is much better,” or “It just can’t get any worse than this.” I know, it depends on the day and what happened.

The point, however, is a simple one. It is the accumulation of days that make a life. A positive, substantial, contributing life is made up of similar kinds of days. It can’t be otherwise. The question is whether we simply want to complete a day, or do we really want to make that day count.

There are, of course, examples of people who had spectacular moments that determined their life like when one of their movies or songs becomes an outstanding success, when their YouTube video gleans a spectacular audience, when someone wins the lottery, when an experiment results in a finding that makes a life-changing contribution, or when an inheritance allows a unique or unusual opportunity to contribute to the well being of fellow human beings.

These are, indeed, unique situations, and although they may “make a life,” they are outliers and should (must) not determine the plan for anyone’s life. You cannot make a life out of waiting to win the lottery, get a large inheritance, obtain a huge insurance payment, or otherwise become rich.

For most of us, it is what we do on a daily basis that not only must be our concern but must be the ingredients of the food that makes up our lives. The question becomes, how important is it to you to “make each day count”?

You can change the life you have or you can change your life for a positive, valuable future, but to do this requires that you change 1) your attitude, 2) your goals, and 3) your commitment.

So often, it is much easier (easier than changing attitudes, goals, or commitments) to just relax, sleep, or be lazy. Why should life be about accomplishment? Success? Striving for change?

The point is, and it can be summed up so simply: When all is said and done, have you left this world a better place because you have lived? What is your contribution? What difference has it been that you have lived in this world — occupied space on this earth — at all?

And the point is that your contribution need not be one of those life-changing, earth-shattering, monumental accomplishments! You don’t have to be a headline in the local newspaper, recognized for an award by a business or local organization, or been featured in a video on YouTube. If you look at such accomplishments or recognition as your sole goal in life, you are likely to be disappointed.

It is, indeed, the daily, small, sometimes seemingly insignificant, things that we do that count. If they were not what is important — if these were not the things that counted — if these were not the factors that make up a life — where would most people be? How could they justify their daily existence?

By being an active person, taking action on a daily basis, and working hard at every task in which you engage, you ARE making a difference. Think, for example, the effect this can have on your own psyche. Think, too, the effects it can have on your children or grandchildren. How about your neighbors, neighborhood, or community. Your activity, too, can affect others around you — whether it be a spouse, friends, or other family members.

Being a well-read, well-informed, knowledgeable, and conversant citizen who is willing to talk, share, and communicate — if this is where you place your emphasis when it comes to being active — you can have an enormous influence on others.

What do I say when the day is done? First, I love to go back and look over what I have done — whether it’s fixing a hole in a house, constructing a small table, cleaning windows, vacuuming the house, cleaning up the kitchen, or re-reading an essay or book review. No task is too small not to appreciate it. Second, I always appreciate having the physical strength and the mental ability (all still fully intact) to continually accomplish new things. Third, I go to bed with the feeling, “I am satisfied,” “I am fulfilled,” “I am fully alive.” These are not only the thoughts at the end of each day, they are the thoughts, too, that provide a restful sleep in preparation for another day of activity.

For me, it is as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote in the final four lines of his famous poem, “The Day is Done”:                            And the night shall be filled with music
         And the cares, that infest the day,
                                     Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
                                     And as silently steal away.
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At the Family Education website, there is a wonderful little essay entitled, “Consider Yur Legacy,” which ends like this: “When we're wondering about whether or not our daily efforts are worth it, our legacy might be at the core of that concern. If you knew today was going to be your last, how would you spend it?”

At HubPages.com, Mqubas has authored an essay, “Your Journey Ends With Your Legacy,” which begins with the paragraph: “We are all travelers in this world. We are all walking and running every day unknowingly. We start our daily journey by rising up from our bed and ends by retiring to the same bed. We wake up in the morning and brush our teeth, have a cup of coffee or breakfast and proceed with our daily chores. Even though we have different works, at the end of the day, we are always compelled to answer one question: and that is if we have reached our goal successfully, whether we really finished that day's journey or not with victory.”
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Copyright October, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Lake Superior (Gitchigoomie)

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

Our confusion was not whether or not we wanted to take this trip around the north side of Lake Superior, it was, rather, which way to go. We could start from the east and proceed west and then farther west through Canada, or we could travel west first (north through Michigan, then west through Wisconsin and Minnesota) then east along the north side of Lake Superior. The latter was our choice.

Why Lake Superior?   Lake Superior contains ten percent of all the fresh water on the planet Earth. Its average depth is 483 feet, it covers 31,700 square miles. and by surface area, it is the largest lake in the world. It contains as much water as all the other Great Lakes combined, plus three extra Lake Eries. Also, there have been about 350 shipwrecks recorded in Lake Superior. Why not Lake Superior?

With one night in northern Michigan (Indian River), one night in Wisconsin (Iron River), and two in Minnesota after driving through the towns of Two Harbors, Beaver Bay, Silver Bay, Tofte, Lutsen, and landing at Grand Marais with its shops, galleries, and cafes around a Lake Superior harbor. On one of the days in Grand Marais, we traveled the entire Gunflint Trail.

We crossed the border into Canada northeast of Dulluth and just beyond Grand Portage and then drove through Thunder Bay to Nipigon, Ontario. One of the problems we discovered along this route was the limited number of campgrounds that included full hook-ups (30 amp electricity, water, and sewer) that accommodated 5th-wheel campers.

For the next two weeks (as we traveled close to the shore of Lake Superior and beyond) we encountered rain for all except two days — sometimes intense downpours. Not only did we have to set up and break camp in the rain, in a couple of campsites we had trouble escaping the wet clay or sloppy mud. Also, the rain prevented us from any extensive exploration of the territory we traveled.

We arrived at Nipigon early enough to explore the little town of Red Rock then drive Route 11 (we were told it was scenic) north for about 5 miles. Route 11 was truly scenic driving right along the edge of Lake Nipigon while enjoying the wooded hillsides to our right; however, we had just driven 166 miles along Lake Superior, and the scene was not dramatically different — besides, we were tired.

Farther along the trans-Canadian highway (after passing through the little towns of Rossport, Schreiber, Terrace Bay, and Marathon), we drove around the Pukaskwa National Park (away from Lake Superior) through White River, Ontario, to Wawa. We chose Wawa as a destination and the RV Resort & Campground (a 3-night stay) because there weren’t a lot of other choices for campgrounds. Also, we were facing the Labor Day weekend and thought we better secure a place before the crowds of weekend campers would fill the campground. Although there were some additional campers over the weekend, it didn’t come close to filling up.

Wawa is known for its 28-foot-tall metal statue of a Canada goose which was built in 1960 and stands at the information booth a couple of miles east of the city. Wawa takes its name from the Ojibwe word (wewe) for "wild goose." The town itself is small and rural. Their farm market on Saturday morning consisted of one truck, but as many as ten people stood in line for the fresh produce.

While at Wawa we visited “High Falls” of the Magpie River then, too, “Silver Falls.” On the next day we drove through Lake Superior Provincial Park visiting Old Woman Bay, Katherine Cove, Agawa Rock, and the Visitor Center — a very pleasant drive and then a hike down to the Agawa Rock, even though the sky was overcast and threatened more rain.

Just an observation about the north side of Lake Superior. Please remember, however, as I make this observation, we drove the length of it without stopping very much. We were close to the lake many times, and the combination of trees, hills (with changing fall colors), and lake views was beautiful — even though most of our trip was under cloudy skies and rain. There are a lot of trees and views of the lake, but there is little else. Small towns are few and far between, and even though gas was available, often we would fill up just to make certain we would not run out before the next opportunity (not knowing for certain where that might be).

From Wawa, we drove east away from Lake Superior toward Larder Lake, Ontario, then from Larder Lake to Mont Tremblant where we camped at La Diable at a campsite that overlooked a river.

After Mont Tremblant, we headed for Quebec City where we stayed at Camping Transit, a large, well-advertised, camping location. We traveled about 15 minutes into Levis, then down through town to the St. Lawrence Seaway waterfront where we took a 15-minute ferry ride (without the truck) across to Quebec City. For about an hour-and-a-half we walked through the old city — and promised ourselves we will return some day.

The name Quebec is an Algonquin (Kébec) word meaning "where the river narrows." The city was founded in 1608 by Samuel de Champlain, and it is one of the oldest cities in North America. I learned from reading Wikipedia that: “The ramparts surrounding Old Quebec (Vieux-Québec) are the only remaining fortified city walls that still exist in the Americas north of Mexico, and were declared a World Heritage Site by UNESCO in 1985 as the 'Historic District of Old Québec.’”

One unusual and yet prominent characteristic of Quebec City and the entire province of Quebec, too, is that everyone speaks French. That may not be unusual, however, most people we encountered do not speak English as a second language and those who do, do not speak it well. In addition, all of the signs in Quebec are in French with no English subtitles or translation. This may not seem important, however, we were traveling in late summer/early fall when a great deal of road construction was going on. Instructions about how to proceed through construction areas (we were towing a fifth wheel) were all in French. When you leave Quebec going east, all the signs in New Brunswick are in English once again.

When we left the area of Quebec City, we did not have a specific destination. We found a “campground” called Cozy Cabins and Motel in Woodstock, New Brunswick, where we set up our camp in a field overlooking the St. John River.   It turned out that the Motel, although not advertised on the motel marquis, was a popular (but small) gambling hall with slot machines and an active bar.

From Woodstock we proceeded to St. John, New Brunswick, where we stayed one night at a campground (Rockwood Park Camping) high above the city. After visiting with a friend we acquired on one of our Caribbean cruises, we haded for the U.S. border in Maine and stayed at Sunset Point Campground just outside of Harrington, Maine.

What was interesting after our two weeks in Canada is that when we crossed the border into Maine, the skies cleared, there was no more rain, and with the exception of a single thunderstorm and heavy rain, we had clear skies and no more rain for the remaining two weeks of our vacation in Bar Harbor, Maine, Cape Cod, Massachusetts, Amherst, Massachusetts, and Woodstock, Vermont.
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The Lake Superior Circle Tour website offers everything you want to know about the area from accommodations, adventures and activities, local attractions, boating and canoeing, camping and resorts, casinos, towns and cities, restaurants, family fun, fishing and resorts, local marinas, and shopping. It is a terrific website.

Although we did not take the complete Circle Tour on this trip, you can find a great map of the Circle Tour at the website supported by Lake Superior Magazine. Scroll down the webpage about half way to where it says “Map of Lake Superior Circle Tour,” and click on the map there.

At RVLifestyle the feature article by Frank and Lucy Spence, “Exploring Ontario's Parks: There’s so much to see and do in central Canada!,” proceeds from Sault Ste. Marie around Lake Superior in the opposite direction we traveled; however, they include many more specifics about each park and campground along the way.

Copyright October, 2011 by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

What qualifies me to write essays?---The bricks and mortar of my edifice (Fourth Anniversary Essay)

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

I am not a mover and shaker, a politician, captain of industry, government official, or on the social registry. I am not the director of a prestigious firm, the favorite son of the community, or on the board of directors of a business, board of education of a local school district, or on any board of trustees. I am not an advisor to the local parish priest, church ministers, rabbi, or mullah, and my name is not synonymous with power, influence, and accomplishment. So, why would anyone want to know my opinion on the issues of the day or accept any advice, suggestions, or direction I would choose to give? Because I have asked myself this question, let me share with you how I have come to justify it — and, believe me, I have struggled with it before.

First, I come from a family of teachers. My father, with his Ph.D. from Dartmouth, was a professor of conservation, Department of Natural Resources, at the University of Michigan, and my mother, with a Master’s Degree from Cornell, taught junior-high science. Why would that have any influence on giving advice, suggestions, and direction — or on credibility? Because the family was highly educated, it influenced both the nature and extent of family conversations and discussions. Indeed, I married a Michigan graduate, the daughter of a professor from the University of Michigan. My wife’s father received his Ph.D. from the University of Wisconsin, so, from the outset of my own marriage, the quality of those family conversations and discussions continued. Our children have often referred to them. Such an environment cannot help but influence the way you think, believe, and act.

Second, I have both a B.A. and a Master’s degree from the University of Michigan and a Ph.D. from Indiana University. Now, it is true that those credentials do not automatically grant a person license to dispense advice and counsel, especially any set of opinions not directly related to the field of specialty one studied. In some circles, I’m sure, a Ph.D. suggests a level of expertise that clearly doesn’t exist, but there are a couple of things it guarantees. It means you have spent more time in the process of formal education and, because the Ph.D. is a research degree, you have spent time investigating, supporting, and writing about ideas — what I like to call, immersing yourself in an ocean of knowledge and trying to make some sense out of occasional flotsam and jetsam. (Speaking of flotsam and jetsam, I wrote a dissertation of over 350 pages on the Michigan Lyceum movement.)

One of the ancillary benefits of getting a Ph.D. is the automatic and important associations you have with a wide variety of highly educated people, whether they are your teachers, student colleagues, or the faculty and students on other campuses. Then, because I directed a large basic-communication course for over twenty years, I came into contact with hundreds and hundreds of graduate students who taught for me. They provided rich, varied, and hugely rewarding interactions and discussions.

Third, I have been a teacher for over 30 years. What this means is that the act of giving advice and counsel is a natural one embedded in my behavior — and because of my family background, perhaps even in my genes. From the first moment students appear before you in the classroom, you have a responsibility — an obligation — to share what you know. You have chosen to teach—to help students learn. This means that you study students’ backgrounds, knowledge, environment, and learning goals. You deal with students of different abilities and those with learning disabilities too, and assist with learning outside the classroom as well.

A fourth qualification in my case is that I have formalized a great deal of my advice and counsel in numerous publications. Including all the editions of my textbooks, there have been over thirty. There are close to 100 academic articles, chapters in books, and more than a dozen published speeches and the same number of published essays — plus over 200 essays on my blog. I could not have continued this stream of publications if many of them had not been well received. What this means is that there are people out there who are reading and appreciating my views. There is an audience for what I have to say. To those members of my audiences, of course, thank you.

But publications mean something much larger than simply pleasing readers, although that is important. First, it provides a method for articulating — writing out in great detail — your thoughts and ideas. Getting them down in writing, then polishing and honing those ideas, is an important process for clearly defining what you know and what you don’t know. Second, because I write in the area of speech communication (my academic discipline), so much of what happens in the world applies. Thinking and languaging processes, managing and resolving conflicts, family and relationship issues, cultural and intercultural concerns, interpersonal, small-group, and public communication issues all relate to what I think and write. What this means is that to write knowledgeably requires that I read widely and broadly in order to bring new information, knowledge, ideas, facts, and opinions to bear on what I have to say.

To be an informed writer means, necessarily, that I must bring into my own experience and understanding all the ideas from others I can discover that are significant, relevant, and interesting. It is this constant quest to reach out and to add to what I know that may make me somewhat different than others and add, in an understated way, to the informed substructure from which I write and speak.

A fifth qualification is my own family. I am the father of four and grandfather of 10. I have lived through seven marriages, and I expect more. Having been an active participant in my family, advice giving and dispensing “wise” counsel had to take place on a regular basis. Just to be married to the same person for over 45 years suggests several things. It means that you are secure in your own skin. Such security gives you a base from which to operate and a solid foundation from which knowledge and ideas can grow and flourish. It means, too, that you are able to share advice with another person, take part in meaningful dialogue, engage in positive and rewarding conversations, resolve conflicts and mange dissension together, and learn from the insights, knowledge, and perspectives of another person — especially a person of the opposite sex. (It gives new meaning to “opposites attract.”) For relationship partners, thinking and behaving differently is part of a couple’s lifetime of education and discovery.

A sixth qualification is the reading and viewing I do. First I read (or look at) more than a half dozen magazines each week and two newspapers per day. Second, going to the local libraries once a week, I search for and then review, on average, three or four new books each week. (I have written close to 200 book reviews for Amazon.com.) These are part of my Monday blog. Third, I am a news junkie, and I spend most of my television time listening to news and opinion shows. I have very few regular television programs that I watch unless they are news or opinion.

Let me add as a final, seventh qualification the fact that I have been giving advice on my blog for four years now. That could reveal simple persistence or just an unwillingness to give up! For me, it offers a useful history, significant background, and a valuable resource of ideas and opportunities.

It is the family of teachers into which I was born, my own academic credentials, my career as a teacher, my writing and publications, my reading and viewing, my experience, history, and background, as well as my own family that surrounds me with love and affection that form the bricks and mortar of the edifice known as me. It may not seem like much, but it’s certainly a great deal more than the credentials of many people who give advice, and whether or not it truly qualifies me to give advice, the foundation is there, and I make use of it often.
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The most significant and worthwhile “advice book” I have written is entitled You Rules - Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life. In 50 thoughtful, relevant, and important essays, this book discusses the foundations for a good life, offers suggestions and guidelines about being healthy, moving successfully toward your goals, becoming more creative, maintaining your progress, and looking toward a positive future. It is practical, motivational, even inspirational.

There are two other “advice” books, too, that I have recently published. Public Speaking Rules: All You Need for a GREAT speech is based on over thirty years of writing on the topic in popular undergraduate college textbooks. Public Speaking Rules can be read by anyone who wants to know the basic nuts-and-bolts of successful public speaking. The second book, Relationship Rules: For Long-term Happiness, Security, and Commitment (with an outstanding cover painted by my son), is based on my best selling undergraduate, college textbook that went through seven editions. It, too, can be read by anyone who wants to know the basic nuts-and-bolts of forming - and maintaining a successful relationship.
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Copyright September, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Self-concept is the single most important component that offers clear distinctions between good communicators and poor communicators

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

In my experience, those communicators whom I most admired, or those whom I considered most effective, all had strong self-concepts—at least, strong self-concepts from what I could determine. Although there is no study to affirm the following conclusion, in all of my years of teaching speech-communication, I can report a direct, positive correlation between students with a strong self-concept and success in the basic course.

Why is a strong self-concept necessary to have healthy, satisfying, ongoing interactions with others?

The primary way to illustrate the correlation is to explain the relationship between a positive self-concept and a weak one. People with strong self-concepts seldom experience the same problems as those with weak ones—especially in ongoing interactions. Sometimes they experience no problems at all. The relationship between a weak self-concept and effective communication can be documented in four steps, but it relies on two basic principles of communication:
    Principle #1: We discover who we are through the eyes of others.
    Principle #2: The proper (healthy, strong, supportive) interactions with others help sustain effective communication.

Now the four steps that clearly support the relationship between a strong self-concept and effective communication.

Step 1: Those with weak self-concepts reveal their weaknesses to others, and because of that, those others often respond to them negatively. This is, it is true, a classic chicken-and-egg problem. Which came first? That is, does a weak self-concept come first and prompt others’ reactions, or do others’ reactions create the weak self-concept. The answer is clearly a combination of both. Since weak self-concepts usually emerge slowly, over time, others’ reactions and our own weak self-concept are likely to directly affect each other—negatively—as we grow and develop.

Step 2: A weak self-concept distorts our perceptions. We know a person, for example, whose weak self-concept prompts his projection of all his weakness and difficulties onto his marriage partner.   The partner’s attempts at support and comfort, in turn, are distorted by him to reveal manipulation and control.

Most people come at the world in a normal, regular fashion, and they handle incoming information in an ordinary, routine manner. People with a weak self-concept, on the other hand, send incoming information through a sieve full of angular, odd-shaped, and irregular holes; thus, all their perceptions from others and the world are distorted. This is a second chicken-and-egg problem. Do the reactions from others create the distortions in the sieve, or do the distorted holes in the sieve create the incorrect interpretations? Once again, the answer is likely to be a combination of both simply because the problem emerges slowly over time. Neither came first; each contributed to the existence of the other.

Step 3: When incoming information is being distorted in some way, we no longer receive accurate information about ourselves—since others provide the mirror through which we see ourselves. Not only that, most of the information we receive (when we possess a weak self-concept) is likely to be given a negative, non-productive, non-supportive spin. That is the kind of impression we are presenting to others, and the information from them causes increased insecurity and further undermines a positive self-concept and, too, further supports our already-present weaknesses.

Step 4: With a weak and weakening self-concept, our communication becomes inaccurate, negative, and otherwise off the mark. This happens because the information on which our communication depends is false or warped. Without good information, we don’t see things as they are but as we think they are. One begins to see the potential, vicious, negative cycle this can create. For those who have lived with a weak self-concept for a long time, they live each moment of their lives within this well-entrenched negative cycle.

Communication based on poor information relies on hunches, feelings, and impulses without regard for facts. People often assume things that aren’t true. They do not check out the reasons behind behavior they don’t understand. “Why check it out?,” they might say, “I’m right.” Also, they do not gather enough facts before making decisions. “Why gather facts?,” they might say, “I know I’m right.” Acting impulsively is convenient, workable, easy, and feels right. But the results of such behavior show up in communication that cannot be relied upon. More often than not, it creates confusion, problems, and complicates situations. Because of the negative reactions such communication attracts, further problems with the self-concept result in an ongoing, negative spiral of frustration, suspicion, and doubt.

These four steps can just as easily be positive and not negative. Also, just because the negative process has begun does not mean it needs to continue. There are successful interventions that can be used to halt and reverse these steps. These interventions require time, effort, and commitment. Change must begin from within.

Many of the ways to change involve the need to feel worthwhile. One way to improve self-concept is to shift our focus from self-centeredness to other-centeredness. That is, rather than thinking about ourselves and how things make us feel, we need to put ourselves in the shoes of others and ask how they feel.

Another way to feel worthwhile is to feel valued in the eyes of others. When we surround ourselves with people who think we are worthwhile, it can change our perception of ourselves. To be part of a group where our membership, our presence, and our contributions can make a difference, our worth is reinforced. Another way to increase feelings of worth is to engage in projects and take on responsibilities in which we can do a good job and get positive results.

To gain a positive self-concept is a continual, ongoing activity, but the benefits are worth it. Through belonging, competency, and feelings of worth, we can clearly and accurately delineate our likes and dislikes, make preferences, observe with a critical eye, and polish awkward pieces of ourselves. When we feel confident in our judgments and feelings, we begin to trust our interpretation of reality. As we learn to trust our interpretation of reality, our self-concept improves. After all, it is the single, most-important component that offers a clear distinction between good communicators and poor communicators.
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“Develop a Healthy Self-Concept” is an essay at Essential Life Skills. Net which suggests that the following are the characteristics that constitute a healthy self-concept? 1) The ability to know yourself; to be able to assess your strengths, weaknesses, talents and potential.
2) The ability to love and accept yourself as you are, knowing that you can improve and develop any aspects of yourself that you choose. 3) The ability to be honest with yourself and be true to who you are and what you value. 4)The ability to take responsibility for your choices and actions. The website claims that the way to develop a healthy concept is this: “. . . [It] takes deliberate planning and concentrated effort. It takes acknowledging your intrinsic value as a human being, and then working to acquire the skills needed to confront the many challenges and adversities we encounter in life.”

“Fostering a positive self-image” is an essay at the Cleveland Clinic website where the following steps are listed: Take a self-image inventory. Define personal goals and objectives. Set realistic and measurable goals. Confront thinking distortions. Identify childhood labels. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Develop your strengths. Learn to love yourself. Give positive affirmations. Remember that you are unique. Learn to laugh and smile. Remember how far you have come.
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Copyright September 15, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Focusing on the negative: And it is contagious!

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us,” said the comic-strip character, Calvin. "The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race,” Don Marquis is quoted as saying. "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices,” said William James. Doesn’t it seem sometimes like everyone’s complaining? Everyone is negative. All you hear about is difficulty, failure, and disaster? Those with whom you converse all share the negative news they see on television or read in the newspaper?

It is a negative atmosphere such as this that feeds on itself and, thus, produces more negativity. It is as if negative talk offers a license (even encouragement) to be even more so. Examples increase, voices get louder, more people contribute, and if there was a positive environment before, it would completely disappear—vanished in a sea storm of adversity and dissension. And it is contagious!

We have a society that focuses on the negative. The mass media affects the ways in which everyone thinks and acts. It influences behavior both positively and negatively, of course, but the negative grabs and holds attention and, thus, when ratings are important, negativity reigns supreme.

Why is negativity a problem? Not only does it create problems in our lives such as stress, anger, helplessness, and depression, there are other consequences as well. At Personal Development Coach.net, the essay is entitled, “Negative Attitude: Causes, Consequences And Cures,” there are four main consequences listed for those who are negative. First, it can shorten lives. Every time you are negative—whether it’s anger, upset, or frustration—your life gets shorter. Second, negativity creates an unpleasant future. Because your present actions determine your future, “If you constantly moan and are dissatisfied with your circumstances, in the future you are sure to meet with more of the things you are unhappy about. The more you complain, the more things you will find to complain about.” It’s the same as what was mentioned above: a negative atmosphere is a catalyst that accelerates the speed with which more negativity follows. And it is contagious!

The third consequence for negativity is that it harms others. “Your negative mood affects people around you. You should never make others feel bad because by doing so you are contributing not only to your own misery, but to the unhappiness of others also.” And closely related to the third consequence is the fourth. A negative attitude produces negative effects. “Every cause has an effect and so your negative attitude (cause) produces negative circumstances. Mostly people think it's the other way round, but that's not the case. Your thinking causes your circumstances.”

Not only does negativity sap individual energy but the energy of organizations as well. Not only does it divert critical attention from an individual’s work and performance, the work and performance of organizations is negatively affected as well. Some people, too, get stuck in a cycle of negativity and find it impossible to improve their life or their health. When it becomes severe they think they don’t deserve happiness or money, and sometimes they close their mind, see no opportunities, and behave and react in such a way that they repel both people and opportunities. And it is contagious!

First, it must be clear that change is difficult. The barriers to change are enormous. Attitudes become entrenched. Behaviors become automatic. Friends and family often support the negative behavior because it is expected and predictable. The environment offers support and, unless changed, becomes a prop or crutch in the negative process.   The mental state lends support to a negative spiral, and it becomes worse and worse. In many situations, a professional is required since individual change becomes difficult or impossible.

Because of the barriers to change, change requires a change in attitude, a commitment to change, as well as patience and persistence. Change will not occur overnight, but wanting to change can be the key to making it happen. Without these elements in place; nothing long term can or will occur. But, with these elements in place, you are on your way. The first step is to make the commitment to be more positive every day and to maintain a positive outlook. Start now and reverse negative thinking with positive thoughts. With any kind of start, you must allow at least 30 days for any kind of change to take hold. But know at the outset that just as negativity is contagious, so it a positive outlook and positive behavior!

From the Simplicity.com web site, in the brief essay there entitled, “Overcoming Negative Thoughts,” there is a great suggestion for change: “The moment you catch yourself repeating the same negative thoughts over and over in your mind, use the STOP acronym. Research shows that people who receive positive distractions for just eight minutes show a remarkable change in their moods and in breaking the cycle of repetitive thought.

“S-Say the word STOP to interrupt your internal destructive thoughts. Tell yourself firmly to ‘STOP’ over thinking.

“T-TAKE a deep breath. Then, take a break: Go for a walk or a hike, read a great book, listen to your favorite music. Do something to take your attention away from over thinking and, if possible, to change the environment.

O-Focus on the OUTCOME of your 30-Day Goal. Affirm why you are committed to your goal [destroying your negative attitude forever].

P-PRAISE and acknowledge yourself for the progress you are making. Remember, you're looking for progress, not perfection!

“As long as [you] are aware of [your] own negative attitude and are willing to adopt a more positive attitude towards life, change can and will occur. Once [you] realize that a negative attitude is the biggest obstacle to [your] happiness, [you] can make a conscious choice to help [yourself]. There will be obstacles and setbacks on the road to personal change but [you] must remain focused on the bigger picture: [your] success and happiness.” This is the tenth item in an essay, “Ten Ways to Overcome a Negative Attitude,” by Thich Nhat Hanh, at the web site, InTek Online. There are no guarantees, of course, but this is a solid, productive, and potentially rewarding way to change both negative thinking and a negative attitude. The great thing is you can begin at once—and it is contagious!
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At ZeroMillion.com, Bob and Jeff Griswold, of Effective Learning Systems, Inc., have an essay entitled, “How to become totally positive right now,” in which they list and discuss a dozen suggestions for changing negative thinking to positive.

David Spero, at the web site, HealingWell.com, has an essay entitled, “Get a Better Mirror: Overcoming Negative Thoughts,” in which he discusses where mirrors come from, when it’s time to change mirrors, and how we can get a better mirror.
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Copyright September, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC

Aphorisms to live by

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
There is no rhyme or reason for the order of aphorisms in this essay. The single criteria I used for selecting the aphorisms is that they touched me in some way. My addition in each paragraph is designed to explain the value of the aphorism to me—or the lesson I learned. The paragraphs are not connected, and there is no relationship between the various choices. Each paragraph stands alone.
"People need to learn when to abandon pursuit, give up the race, and turn their attention to other matters. It was Norman Thomas who said, “I am not a champion of lost causes, but of causes not yet won.”

Why is it that people of a certain religion or political persuasion, only read literature or listen to viewpoints that support the way they believe? “Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do,” said James Harvey Robinson.

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored,” said Aldous Huxley. It’s a little like an ostrich burying its head in the sand, but you have to admit, it’s a whole lot easier speaking out against a position you oppose when you can simply ignore the facts that do not support your position.

How do human beings explain their attachment to organized religion and all the trappings associated with their beliefs? It was Galileo Galilei who said, “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” There is no excuse for not using sense, reason, and intellect in some instances and then abandoning them entirely in others.

Have you ever wondered the difference between knowledge and wisdom? “Knowledge tells us that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom prevents us from putting it into a fruit salad,” said Miles Kington. Knowledge teaches you how to drive; wisdom is reflected in how you choose to drive.

Have you ever discovered a better argument for possessing knowledge, being well informed, or getting an education?   Louis Pasteur, said, “Chance favors only the prepared mind.”
Louisa May Alcott said something similar: “I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.” Whether it’s chance or preparing for storms, success lies in preparation, preparation, preparation. “He who has imagination without learning,” said Joseph Joubert, “has wings and no feet.”

In my writing and research I often depend on serendipity—the chance discovery of information. It was Yogi Berra who said, “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.” I would add, “Even when you know where you are going, be alert and take advantage of winding up somewhere else.”

When I talk with fourth and fifth graders about writing, rather than advocating learning how to write well (although important), I put my emphasis on learning how to read and read well. I am supported by Samuel Johnson, who said, “The greatest part of a writer's time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.” “Grasp the subject,” said Cato the Elder, “the words will follow.”

“Do not believe that it greatly advances a skill if you practice incorrectly over and over.” I said that. You would think that practice makes perfect; however, imperfect practice undermines perfection—and it always will. “Insanity,” said Albert Einstein, “is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Einstein also said, “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”

Charles Darwin said, “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Survival here could well refer to relationships, business, and most everything else in life.

There is no better guide for writers than what E.B.White said: “The best writing is rewriting.” Along with William Strunk, Jr., he wrote the writer’s bible, The Elements of Style, and if imitation is the highest form of flattery, I modeled my book, Public Speaking Rules, on the handy size of theirs, and I even used the same color for my cover as they did for their first edition.

Perhaps I am naive, but I seldom think about death; however, I believe that my goal (and that of everyone else, too) is to live a long and productive life. It was Leonardo da Vinci who said, “As a well spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.”

You put your trust in politicians that they are not just familiar with history but, too, that they will be wise in their understanding and application of historical precedent in the decisions they make. David McCullough said, “To plan for the future without having a sense of history is like trying to plant cut flowers.” That is precisely why you don’t nominate or elect politicians who are educationally challenged, not well read, do not think well, or cannot answer questions in a reasoned, well-informed, and educated manner.

Most people in a democracy both know and understand the importance of the freedom of speech they are granted; however, those times when their belief is most challenged occurs when those they dislike are granted the same right. Noam Chomsky said, “If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all.”

Over and over the aphorism, “Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely,” is proven in individuals we at first admired and respected. Albert Einstein said, “Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.” In organizations, associations, and groups, when such respect occurs, the result that often takes place is groupthink—long associated with faulty decision making.

George Bernard Shaw said, “When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.” What truths might there be? The book, How to be funny on purpose: Creating and consuming humor , by Edgar E. Willis, offers instruction and insights.

And your challenge to grow, develop, and change can take place at any time in your life. “You are never too old,” said George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), “to be what you might have been.” H. L. Mencken said, “You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.” Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Aim above the mark to hit the mark.” And, to end on a light note, it was W. C. Fields who said, “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” This essay is now “over with.”
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At Thinkexist.com, there are “Deeper Quotes.” If you enjoyed those in this essay, you will surely enjoy those at this web site.

At the QuoteGarden, there are a large number of “Philosophical Quotations,” that offer insights, significant thoughts, and great language.

Mark Vernon, at the web site NewStatesman, wrote an essay, “The Art of the Aphorism,” in which he ends by saying, “This explains why writing a good aphorism, like constructing a good soundbite, is an art. The best are simple and the opposite of simplistic. In an age when the average attention span is apparently decreasing, the sagacious soundbite could yet become the solution to - rather than a symptom of - the tendency to dumb down.”
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Copyright September, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Living a balanced life

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

In 1964 (47 years ago), I was inspired, encouraged, even energized by a book by M. C. Richards entitled, Centering: In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person (Wesleyan University Press, 1962, 1964). The book is philosophical in nature, and it was Richards’ theme as much as her language (writing style) that roused and stirred me. “Centering is the image I use,” Richards writes, “for the process of balance which will enable us to step along that thread feeling it not as a thread but a sphere. It will, it is hoped,” she continues, “help us to walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness, finding our way continuous, self-completing” (p. 6).

From the G. Merritt, of Boulder, Colorado, review at Amzaon.com, Merritt writes, “M. C. Richards was a potter, teacher, and poet, and her 1962 book is ‘a story of transformation’ (p. 4). In his Foreward to the 25th Anniversay Edition of M.C.'s ‘truly subversive book’ (p. ix), Matthew Fox writes, ‘I consider this book one of the great works of American philosophy: it is so cosmological, so feminist (without once using that term), so original, so full of wisdom, so post Cartesian, so nondualistic, so moral, and so fully a part of the mystical tradition of the West that one wonders from what source it arrived in our world . . . This is a prophetic and mystical book. Such books are dangerous. They are the kind dictators burn, churches tend to ignore, and consumer cultures leave on the shelf. For they have the power to awaken, to stir, to disturb, and to transform’ (pp. vii-viii).” That is the effect it had on me.

"I sense this," Richards writes; "we must be steady enough in ourselves, to be open and to let the winds of life blow through us, to be our breath, our inspiration; to breathe with them, mobile and soft in the limberness of our bodies, in our agility, our ability, as it were, to dance, and yet to stand upright, to be intact, to be persons" (p. 12). This is truly inspirational writing.

To put “a balanced life” into some practical perspective—a perspective from which, incidentally, Richards’ concept of Centering would most likely emerge—I would list the ingredients of a well-balanced life to be some equitable, proper, and just distribution of interest, time, and energy among: a positive attitude, exercise, diet, sleep, being healthy, listen well, quiet personal time, creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally, family and friends, work, a sense of humor, and faith (however you define it and in whatever context you choose).

More attention to the balance of these elements alone, would help us live more appropriately within the delicate balance of living creatures, the daily demands made upon us, and the personal needs required to live a healthy, productive, and rewarding life.

Without being fully aware of it ("an unexpected discovery"), I wrote a book about living a balanced life. The book, You Rules—Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life (And Then Some Publishing, 2008), focuses on self-improvement, and, as I say in the preface to this book, “. . . if one wants to make changes in his or her life—and change is what this book is all about because for self-improvement to occur, one must change—how much, how soon, in what direction that change will go are all decisions that will take place as you read the essays in this volume” (p. xi).

Rather than repeat myself in this essay, let me clarify—using the book You Rules!—where the elements above can be found. In the first two chapters of the book, I discuss both optimism and developing a positive attitude, and I offer a number of specific suggestions for obtaining both.

Along with optimism and a positive attitude, one needs to make self-discipline a habit and become passionate about life—characteristics that are enablers for they make achieving the other elements in the list possible.   The other four essays in the first section of You Rules! treat the issues of how to take control of your life (“Make Your Own Luck”), how to break out of your comfort zones (“Get Out of Your Comfort Zones”), an essay on how to stop procrastination (“Make TNT [Today Not Tomorrow] Your Motto to Feed Your Mind With Positive Input”), and, finally, an essay on how to become more organized (“Get Organized”).

The entire second section of the book, You Rules!, is devoted to the next three elements in the list above: diet, sleep, being healthy. Chapter 9 carries the title, “Adopt a Healthy Lifestyle.” Chapter 10, “Make a Commitment to Regular Exercise,” and Chapter 11, “Develop a Sense of Wonder.” This section, too, includes a chapter on “Have a Sense of Humor.” These chapters not only discuss the importance of these elements, they offer specific methods for accomplishment.

The third section of the book, You Rules!, is designed not just to keep you on track in the accomplishment of the elements of a well-balanced life, but to overcome the many stones in the road. It covers such issues as self-discipline, self-management, listening to your instincts, controlling worry, pursuing a program of growth, development, and change, and how to take risks in stretching the boundaries of our mental, spiritual, and physical worlds. This section also includes a chapter on, “Become an Effective Listener,” which is another one of the elements.

The next two elements essential to a well-balanced life, from the list offered above— creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally—are covered in the fourth section of the book, You Rules!, entitled, “Exercise Your Creativity.” Not only are the benefits of creativity discussed but so, too, are the characteristics of successful, creative people. When you know how the creative process works, explained in Chapter 28, you are more likely to recognize the process in action and the value of quiet personal time (another element), and when you know the kind of life in which creativity can flourish (Chapter 29), you will know exactly how it can be nurtured. The need to become immersed in a field of study [which encompasses the area of “work” in the listed elements] and the nature of and how to capitalize on “flow” are the final two chapters in this section.

The fifth section of the book, You Rules!, “Maintain Your Progress,” helps in achieving a well-balanced life because it offers specific, pragmatic advice for dealing with failure and mistakes, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable social influences, wrestling with the devil, keeping your brain in good shape, and making your self-improvements last.

It is in the final section of the book, You Rules!, “Look to a Positive Future,” where there are chapters that focus on the final two elements in the list not previously considered. The importance of family and friends is covered in Chapter 48, “Become a Loving Human Being,” and faith is covered in “Reflect Upon Your Blessings” (Chapter 44).

If you chose to live a balanced life, and you decided that the elements listed above were even some of those for which you wanted to strive, then the book, You Rules!, includes a wide range of useful and immediate recommendations for beginning at once on such a project! Indeed, You Rules! will help each of us to, as M. C. Richards says, “walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness.”
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At EssentialLife Skills.net, the five priorities discussed include: 1. Take care and nurture yourself, 2. Know what your priorities are, 3. Create an efficient mindset, 4. Expect the unexpected, and 5. Maintain a positive mental attitude.

At everydayhealth.com in the essay, “Top Tips for Creating a Well-Balanced Life A balanced life addresses the basics of exercise, good nutrition, and stress relief. Wellbeing stems from paying attention to both your emotional and physical health,” Chris Iliades, a medical doctor lists time management, stress management, exercise, nutrition, support, more support, and health care as the essentials.
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Bright-Sided

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights.

First, it is helpful to know something about the author. I am quoting this from the back flyleaf of the book: “Barbara Ehrenreich is the author os sixteen previous books, including the bestsellers Nickel and Dimed and Bait and Switch. A frequent contributor to Harper’s and The Nation, she has also been a columnist at The New York Times and Time magazine.” At the Wikipedia web site, the following information was found: “Ehrenreich studied physics at Reed College, graduating in 1963. Her senior thesis was entitled Electrochemical oscillations of the silicon anode. In 1968, she received a Ph.D in cellular biology from Rockefeller University.” And in her book, Bright-Sided, she calls herself “a former cellular immunologist” (p. 39).

Although you do not need a sophisticated vocabulary to understand the language she uses in her book, having one helps at points. For example, she says, “Continuing in an anthropomorphic vein, there’s an interesting parallel between macrophages and cancer cells...” (p. 39). I want to quickly add, however, this is not typical of most of the book. She writes well.

In Chapter 1, “Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer,” Ehrenreich’s conclusion, after carefully examining the evidence, is, “Besides, it takes effort to maintain the upbeat demeanor expected by others [who have been diagnosed with cancer]—effort that can no longer be justified as a contribution to long-term survival” (p. 41). In an excellent example of the belief in optimism to overcome cancer, a woman wrote that she changed her lifestyle, meditates, prays, eats properly, exercises, and takes supplements, and asks Deepak Chopra if she’s missing something? Chopra replied to her, “As far as I can tell, you are doing all the right things to recover. You just have to continue doing them until the cancer is gone for good...” (p. 42). Chopra’s response is utter and total nonsense! Ehrenreich concludes her first chapter saying that it is American culture “that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate” (p. 44).

In Chapter 2, “The Years of Magical Thinking,” Ehrenreich traces much of the history of positive thinking, disembowels the use of pseudo-science to justify claims that thoughts can magically control actions (using The Secret as one extensive example where Rhonda Byrne, the author, “cites quantum physics” (p. 67), and ends the chapter saying, “It’s a glorious universe the positive thinkers have come up with, a vast, shimmering aurora borealis in which desires mingle freely with their realizations. Everything is perfect here, or as perfect as you want to make it. Dreams go out and fulfill themselves; wishes need only to be articulated. It’s just a god-awful lonely place” (p. 73).

I loved her characterizations of Calvinism, Puritanism, the “New Thought movement,” Christian Scientist thinking, and Norman Vincent Peale—all in Chapter 3, “The Dark Roots of American Optimism.” I found it fascinating to follow, with Ehrenreich’s guidance, the thread that connected all of these and the way positive thinking “was beginning to be an obligation imposed on all American adults” (p. 96).

“Motivating Business and the Business of Motivation,” is the title of Chapter 4, and in this chapter Ehrenreich describes the motivational-speaking business and how such experiences “can be a thrillingly cathartic experience—not something to expect at any company gathering and even feel entitled to as a temporary release from the ongoing pressure” (p. 106). “One unusually forthcoming motivational speaker,” Ehrenreich writes, “expressed some discomfort with her role, telling me that employers use people like her in part “to beat up employees” if they don’t achieve the goals that have been set for them. “They can say, ‘Didn’t you listen to the speaker we brought in?’” (p. 117)

She also discusses the dependence on positive thinking by the speakers at motivational meetings, groups, and “boot camps” designed for recently fired employees as well as the formation, development, and use of “team building” (p. 120)—which is simply another form of motivation (p. 121) often designed to soften the blow of being released. Result? “[Employees] may have had less and less power to chart their own futures, but they had been given a worldview—a belief system, almost a religion—that claimed they were in fact infinitely powerful, if only they could master their own minds” (p. 122).

Ehrenreich’s descriptions of the positive preachers Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Robert Schuller, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, and Joel Osteen fit perfectly as examples of Chapter 5, “God Wants You to Be Rich.” The enemy for positive preachers is “negative thinking” (p. 127).

Ehrenreich’s story of her visit to Joel and his copastor and wife, Victoria Osteen’s megachurch (pp. 128-133) is both delightful and revealing. Ehrenreich writes, “My Baptist friends in Houston can only shake their heads in dismay at Osteen’s self-serving theology. On scores of Christian Web sites,” she says, “you can find Osteen and other positive pastors denounced as ‘heretics,’ ‘false Christians,’ even as associates of the devil...” (p. 133).

My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading.
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In “Living Well: There’s a Downside to Positive Thinking,” Bob Condor offers a large number of useful insights—many more benefits to positive thinking than negative effects. This is an essay that is interesting and useful.

Amelia writes in the essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” at the web site, contextscrawler, a review of Ehrenreich’s book, Bright-Sided. The value of her review essay is that she offers readers two substantial quotations that will give you a good idea of Ehrenreich’s writing style.

At TheNation, in an essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” you can see a brief video of a conversation of Barbara Ehrenreich with GRIT TV's Laura Flanders. In the conversation, “she discusses how her personal struggle with breast cancer was overshadowed by her personal struggle with the cheerleaders who dominated the breast cancer support groups.”
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Managing conflict

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.”

Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively.

In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.” The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is:

“The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations? In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes. Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics. We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable. That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management.

“The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity. Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity. It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations. The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.) Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness. (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing. Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.)

“Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of
others—especially the ability to empathize with them. People who empathize often listen well. A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check. Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible.

“If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability to offer options, choices, and alternatives.”

The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient. It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience).

There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation. One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation. To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation.

Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict. The first is to listen well. Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say. Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect. If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand.

Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”)

At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution
The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles. Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. Being loyal to those who are not present. 2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. 3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.”

With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
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At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.

At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound!
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Losing control

noreply@blogger.com (andthensomeworks.com) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 04:00:00 PDT

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.

We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.

Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”

Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.

A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”

This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.

There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.

The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.

Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.

There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.

When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.

Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*

*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
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At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.

In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.