Last week, a young woman contacted me who first took my class with her Brownie troop when she was seven years old and then did no further training in self-defense until several summers ago when she was 15, when she took my 8-hour training that culminated in fighting a “padded assailant.”

Because this is her story to tell, I am simply pasting (most of) her story here in her words, with her permission.

“I’ve used the assertiveness skills I learned in your classes a lot over the years, but a recent event really changed the way I think about what I’ve learned…  A few weeks ago, I had planned to meet up with some friends at a party in Monrovia…  When I arrived, I didn’t see my friends around, and as I was walking into the house, I got a text saying that that they had left because it was sketch…  I realized that I was now at a party where I knew no one, and as I looked around, I saw that there were mostly guys there who were doing a lot of drinking.  I decided I would be safer out in front of the house, so I walked out to text my friends back and find out where they were.  As I was walking across the lawn to my car and texting, these four guys came up to me and started making small talk, but I got that ‘creepy feeling’ we talked about in class…  I tried to excuse myself politely but assertively and walk to my car, but they were sort of crowded around me, and it was all happening so fast! The next thing I knew, a fifth guy came up behind me and grabbed me around the chest with one arm and around my throat with the other.  At the same time, the other guys started to move closer and the only thing I thought of was, ‘Oh, no this is not going to happen.’  I don’t remember thinking anything else.  I moved my head to get some air from the chokehold, bent a bit forward, and did a back kick to his knee.  He loosened his grip on me, but he was still standing, so I kicked him again.  That time I heard a sickening snap, and he fell to the ground.  All his friends pushed past me and ran to him to see what happened.  When they realized what had happened, they turned to me and said, ‘That bitch is crazy!  You f****d him up!’  I was fully in the fight by then, and I was full of rage!  I’m a pretty chill person; I don’t even get angry much, but as I looked around, I thought, ‘Yeah, I AM crazy!’  And I got into my ready-stance, looked around at the other four guys and said, ‘If any of you comes near me, I’ll gouge your eyes out!’  They looked confused, mostly, and as they looked back and forth between the guy on the ground and me, I backed away quickly and safely, got in my car, drove a few blocks on sheer adrenaline, pulled over and sat there in shock.  I had just averted a gang rape with one technique.”

Many times potentially violent situations can be averted with assertiveness.  (Self-defense experts call these social tests “interviews”; don’t worry, there will be more on the “interview” in a future blog.)  In a situation like this, however, much of the “interview” is dispensed with; there was a little chatting, and then things rapidly turned violent when the gang believed that they were in a position of power and that there was nothing to stop them.  At that point, my student needed to use a physical technique to end the interaction.  They didn’t realize that she had something to back up her assertiveness!

These stories both shake me up and build my confidence.  I’ll look differently at the young women I teach in my next classes; for awhile, I’ll wonder which one will have to fight.  I don’t wonder which one of them might be targeted, for I know that young women are targeted in myriad ways quite regularly, which is why assertiveness is such an integral component in the esteem trainings; the opening line of this young woman’s letter is a testament to all of this.  I worry about my teenage students, and hearing this shakes me up; nevertheless, I’m confident, and here’s where my theory comes in.

I’m confident that young women find their assertive, clear voices in esteem’s workshops, and I feel certain that, in less dire circumstances than the one above (say situations at the mall or on first dates or tamer parties) the assertive voice comes forth so effortlessly that they didn’t even realize that they are a success story.  I think that most of esteem’s success stories don’t even seem like the work of esteem because we just help “chill” people find self-esteem, and beyond that, their inner strength, and sometimes, thankfully, that strength, that esteem, looks a little “crazy,” and a lot like a survivor.

A recent tragedy in the San Diego area involving 17-year-old Chelsea King has made national news. Chelsea’s body was found on the shore of Lake Hodges, where she had gone jogging on a nearby trail. Authorities have arrested convicted sex offender John Albert Gardner, whose DNA was found on King’s clothing near where police believe she was abducted.

What many people may miss in some of the news accounts is the related story involving 23-year-old Candice Moncayo. She identified Gardner from a mug shot as the man who attacked her weeks before along the same running path where King disappeared.

Moncayo was able to fend off her attacker by elbowing him in the face and running away.
A single elbow shot to the face kept Mancayo from being the victim of a sexual assault and probably saved her life.

We live in a culture that grooms women to become victims. Girls are told to “Be nice, polite, and for goodness sakes, don’t be loud.” Needless to say, expressing anger and fighting are not encouraged. Perpetrators like Gardner count on the fact that when faced with danger, most girls and women will become frozen with fear and easily overpowered. The message to females has been consistent: he’s bigger, he’s stronger, it’s over.

Girls and women need to be taught that we are strong and capable of physically protecting ourselves from someone who is bigger and stronger. But it’s not enough to hear it. In order to effectively counter the messages we have been getting all our lives, women need to experience what our bodies can do. We need to learn physical self-defense skills. We need to train our bodies, minds, and intuition to be our ally in any confrontation.

Short of preventing perpetration of crime, prevention education seems to be the most proactive method of redressing victimization. Ellen Snortland, in her inspiring book, Beauty Bites Beast, uses a wonderful analogy. She states, “What if you heard of a country where six thousand of its citizens drowned every year, and where 500,000 of its citizens came very close to drowning? ‘Damn, why don’t those people learn to swim?’ you would say. We would say that because we don’t have the false idea that some people simply cannot or should not learn to swim.” This is exactly the situation we find ourselves in when it comes to teaching women to protect themselves in a culture where violence against women thrives and women are taught that men are bigger and stronger and therefore, the result of a fight is a foregone conclusion. Women have grown up with the erroneous assumption that we cannot defend ourselves when confronted with violence. This has been proven untrue through research on self-defense programs. Our beliefs about our bodies undermine our strength.

This is where many readers are saying to themselves, “Yeah, I should definitely take a class someday – when I have more time.” And this is where I say to you, “One afternoon of training could save your life.” So email, or better yet, phone a group of friends and tell them that you want to spend a Saturday afternoon with them learning skills that will make a big difference in all of your lives. Not someday. Not later. Take charge and make it happen. The ESTEEM team is anxious to spend an afternoon with you.

A little elbow goes a long way.

In ESTEEM’s anti-bullying programs, the focus is not on the bully, nor is it on the target of the bully. The focus is on the group with the power to change the situation: the bystanders. In our programs, we call them the supporters because when they stand by and do nothing, they are really supporting the bully. Even if they don’t approve of what the bully is doing, the bully interprets their non-action as approval. On the other hand, when they speak out and claim that what the bully is doing is not okay, they are supporting the target. Perhaps you have never been a bully or been bullied; nevertheless, your actions (or inaction) when you’ve witnessed bullying have been interpreted by those around you as support. The question is, which party felt your support?

This week, the vicious gang rape of a 15-year-old girl outside of her high school’s Homecoming dance in Richmond, California is making headlines. Investigators say as many as 20 people were involved in or stood and watched the gang rape of this young woman, which lasted 2 1/2 hours. If we consider aggression on a continuum, we can see rape as a kind of extreme form of bullying, and the principles of the role of the bystander apply to those who took the role of spectator during this crime.

According to reports, as people announced over time that this was going on (through texting, taking pictures on their phones, and commenting to people they ran into), more people came to see, and some actually participated in the assault. Police said as many as 10 people were involved in the assault in a dimly lit back alley at the school, while another 10 people watched without calling 911 to report it. I want to discuss those 10 people. Many of you may have heard of the bystander non-intervention effect. For those who haven’t, following is a brief overview.

In the early 1960s, Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death for 30 minutes on the streets of a New York neighborhood. Thirty-eight individuals were aware of the attack, yet no one did anything. This led to the first of many research studies on these phenomena, all of which illustrated that the one variable that made a difference as to whether or not someone took action was the number of people present. The data show over and over again that if there is one person in a room, the likelihood of helping is around 75 percent. But as the number goes to two and three and four and five and six, the number of people who help drops to 10 percent.

What does this say about us? Psychologists call it the diffusion of responsibility – the more people that are present in a given situation, the less responsible any one individual feels to do something. If you have ever taken a CPR class, you may recall that in the event of an emergency, they recommend that while you are attending to the victim, you point to an individual and say, “You, in the red jacket, go call 911!” as opposed to just calling out “Someone call 911!” This is to bypass the effect of the diffusion of responsibility.

The Richmond case is, in fact, more egregious than the Genovese case; not one of the individuals involved in the latter case were aware of the crime in its entirety. Most of the people who had heard the screams thought it was the sound of people coming home from a bar or a mundane quarrel. Certainly, no one took pictures, told others about it, or joined in.

Researchers say that individuals who are educated regarding the bystander effect are more able to resist this effect (and the diffusion of responsibility) and take action in a crisis situation. If any good can come out of this young woman’s victimization in Richmond, let it be that we each vow to do something, say something, or take an action that aids the victim when we see something hurtful occurring, whether that is a bully and his/her target on the playground, a child being abused, or a violent sexual assault on a school campus. One person can make the difference.

Of course, this crime is not just about the bystander effect. Check back for future blogs that will look at what we can learn from looking at other perspectives on this tragedy.

I don’t focus a great deal on statistics in my communication seminars, but I always manage to share the results of this particular study. How much of the meaning is found to be in the words we use? Only 7%. What about the vocal cues (the tone, pitch, emphasis, and quality of your voice)? That adds another 38% of the meaning. Have you ever had someone say to you that it wasn’t what you said, but how you said it? I can hear myself saying that to my teenage son when he’s giving me attitude! This leaves us with a whopping 55% of our message coming from our nonverbal behaviors. These include facial expressions, eye contact, body posture and motions, and positioning in relation to other people. This is why whenever we don’t trust someone, we watch them very carefully; we are trying to pick up clues as to whether they are telling the truth or not. One can lie with words, but it’s difficult to lie nonverbally. When in doubt, trust what you see over what you hear.

In this age of email and texting, it’s no wonder we have a lot of misunderstandings among colleagues as well as friends. If you are communicating via email, the recipients of your messages don’t have a whole lot to go on – 7% of what they would get from you in person! It’s very easy to be misunderstood in an email – even if you rely on emoticons. ☺ I resist texting for that reason. I’d rather get you to answer your phone, so I can possibly gain another 38%!

It’s not surprising that the area of nonverbal communication is so well researched. There’s a tremendous amount of information to be garnered from focusing on people’s nonverbal behavior. Most of us spend about 75 percent of our waking hours communicating our knowledge, thoughts, and ideas to others. However, we fail to realize that a great deal of that communication is non-verbal as opposed to oral and written. We read other people’s nonverbal communication all the time and most of us are good at it. But what about the messages you send through your nonverbal behavior? Are you aware of how people are reading you?