Eternal Whispers: a gender change story

July 8th, 2011

2011-07-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

Strange Disappearance

Well for those of you who read my blog you've probably wondered what happened to me. Normally I post between once to twice a month and all of a sudden I disappear for three months. Well let me recap you on why and whats been going on in my world.

Ok let me start off with where my last post ended, wondering if I'd ever seen the guy I just met again. I didnt, he called but after what he did when we first met I told him I wasnt interested and that he blew it. After that I totally gave up on the whole thing (meeting new guys, dating etc). Teresa and I are very happy just as we are and my drive to meet someone was just an overload of hormones. The guy I mentioned at the end that's geographically challeneged I still talk to, he's a nice guy.. he just has alot going on and we are so far apart.

Ok now thats out of the way, I actually ended up without internet for a little over a month, which is the trueth behind my sudden disappearance/lack of blogging. Between the high electricity bill due to my ac running through the 119 degree tempuratures that this summer has gotten up to. I simply had to make a few cut backs. Unfortunately internet wasnt one of the "willing" cutbacks but when you are late paying your bill....well you all know the drill.

Anywho, I'm back now and I plan on blogging alot more. I am also thinking of revamping this blog site and posting more frequent information on the physical aspects of what HRT has been actually doing. Alot of people talk about changing but how it all happens is usually left out. Small things that not even doctors would know specifics on, only the person going through it would know. So we'll have to wait and see with time pending.

Xoxo,
Sara

April 18th, 2011

2011-04-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

♪♫ Where have all the cowboys gone? ♫♪

I love lots of different kinds of music but this song kind fits recent events. Where have all the cowboys gone is a song by Paula Cole and while I'm not really a cowgirl or country type gal, the meaning of the song applies to this.

Well lately I have been making alot of guy friends online, I am looking for the right guy to spend time with, hang out etc. Basically put Teresa and I are willing to make one lucky guy very happy. I mean come on, two girlfriends, maybe even wives at some point. What guy wouldnt go nuts over that! Not to mention that we arent airheads either lol, so we are a catch to be had. I'm not a model, infact I dont even really feel I am pretty though alot of people tell me otherwise. I'm over weight, over emotional at times but everyone has flaws.

Well anyways a couple months ago I met a guy online named John, he was deeply interested in us and he lived in the same city. So we decided to meet, now for me going to meet is kind of a blind date, but a date none the less. I want to hang out with the guy, get to know him, get passed the awkward stage. Well John wanted to meet at Burger King..... first I dont eat fast food but, really? How romantic lol. Anyways I went to meet him we talked for about ten min with half of it being awkward silence but he had this really creepy vibe, then he left... never heard from him since but thats probably a good thing.

Then today, I went to meet another guy I met online. His name I wont mention because I hope to see him again despite how today went which is a little depressing. We talked alot and then we made a plan to meet and go out someplace. He asked that we met at the mall with the notion we'd go out to eat and then go see a movie or just walk around the mall and talk. We'll I was very nervous, the guy is kinda cute and he seemed really cool texting him online. So this morning I started my normal routine and then proceeded to gussy up, I wanted to wow him. An hour later, hair was good, make up was perfect, perfume, etc.

So we leave (Teresa and I) to meet him at the mall. We got there thirty minutes early, I always have to be early, just bugs me not to. He turned out to be running a little late but he was quite the gentleman and called to tell me. When he showed up we sat outside near a water fountain and talked, I was excited to see how Teresa felt about him, she seems to have vibes about people. Anyways ten minutes later he says he's got to go.... he explained why but it didnt seem urgent, and then he was gone. So date number two... flop.

Kinda sucks spending an hour gussying up to wait for an hour to talk for ten minutes and then part ways. Now I kinda liked this guy, so I hope we talk again and maybe next time we'll actually go out and do something. Then again, with my low self esteem I ponder if he looked at me and thought never mind and bolted. If we do still talk and do something he'll need to try a wee bit harder this next time. I'm not high maintenance but I am a lady and I need to be treated as such, holding doors, etc. I know it might sound dumb but I've never been on a real date with a guy before so I only have my dreams and ideas to taunt my imaginative mind with.

As for any other guy that may be interested in me, who might or might not be geographically challeneged, hurry and buy a train or plane ticket lol!

Lots of love to all my readers, xoxo
Sara

March 17th, 2011

2011-03-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

To Kill a ~~Mocking Bird~~ Pigeon

Ok now I love all animals but these little dirty rats with wings are everywhere, I'm talking about pigeons. In Oregon they were rare/uncommon at best, but in Arizona they are everywhere. Now they arent ugly, or annoying sounding in my opinion, infact I rather enjoy their cooing sounds. The problem with pigeons is they shit everwhere!! Its like dirty nasty piles of snow only.. its not snow! Anyways aside from the pigeons Arizona is gorgious and I love the weatherm I dont honestly have many complaints. However what i do have is a monthly update! Here is all the dirty little secrets of whats happened in Sara's world.

Well its not alot, and unfortunaetly I dont have any poetic inspiration to make it sound all deep but here it is. My hormone replacement therapy prescriptions ran out this month, and for the last four months I had been looking for a new endocrinologist. I had to find one before the end of the month when I took the last of my pills, it seemed like every single doctor was either clueless on what transexualism was, descriminant on what it is or unable to take new patients. Finally a month ago I found a doctor who agreed to take me on but admitted she wasnt completely familiar with transexuality but was willing to learn and do what was needed. I was rightfully nervous, worried really that after paying the initial $280 visit cost (it turned out to only cost $224 but the original quote was $280 for the first visit) that she'd not be willing to re-prescribe me the hormones until she recieved my medical records from Oregon. The medical records I had to go to her office to fill out paper work to request it and her office is an hour away from our house. Anyways I assumed everything negative could go wrong and infact just the opposite happened. The office was small but quinat, the receptionist and my doctor were both really cool, and my doctor was excited to meet my wife and I. She was shocked but over joyous that we were still together and that i had such a wonderful support system.

She filled out a new set of prescriptions for the hormones I was already taking right there on the spot and stated she'd like to do some research and see if she cant help me more by finding alternatives to the anti-antrogenous med Spirionlactone I was taking. Oh I about jumped out of my chair and hugged her when she said that, see the Spirinolactone is the anti testosterone med I have been taking, the side effect is it dehydrates you by forcing water through your system so you have to pee all the freakin time, to top it off you have to drink more to keep hydrated which makes you pee even more! I love the estrogen but I tell you if I could get an orcindectomy done now I'd jump for the opportunity, hell I'd do it myself if I thought I could without seriously hurting myself. (Did a little research and while I could ignore the pain, the fact there is a small artery in there is a risk i wont take, I rather enjoy living, I simply need to be fixed in a way that makes me the way I should have been born to begin with.)

Anyways so my monthly worrisome meltdown is over, I have a new doctor who is great and I have next months refill ready to go....crisis averted.

I'll post again this month, I have plenty to write about so check back soon.

XOXO,

Sara

February 2nd, 2011

2011-02-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

....to look back apon a reflection.

"When I look into a trans woman's eyes, I see both endless strength and inconsolable sadness. I see someone who has overcome humiliation and abuses that would flatten the average person.

I see a woman who was made to feel shame for her desires and yet had the courage to pursue them anyway. I see a woman who was forced against her will into boyhood, who held on to a dream that everybody in her life desperately tried to beat out of her, who refused to listen to the endless stream of people who told her that who she was and what she wanted was impossible.

When I look into trans women's eyes, I see a profound appreciation for how empowering it can be to be female..."

~Julia Serano 'Whipping Girl'

This is a quote I have mentioned in the past, a very well put quote that I could not agree more with. Today I want to take a look at the past year. Today is my birthday, my first birthday as the woman I should have always been and the anniversary of my first full year on HRT (hormone replacement therapy). In this blog I will discuss both physically and mentally what has transpired through my transition.

WARNING the content of this post may not be appropriate for all ages. It will discuss very detailed experiences of what happened to a person's body who went through hormone replacement therapy. The content here is not intended for anything but educational purposes.

For those of you who have read through my entire blog you should now have a firm gasp on who I am and what I have gone through. The only thing you dont really know is the fine details that are actually quite important, such as the effects on my body from hormone replacement therapy.

One year ago I walked into Dr Sara Becker's office in Milwaukie, OR. I walked in scared shitless knowing how badly I needed this and how important it was. I was terrified that i would be turned down, that my doctor would find some reason to say no.. or worse, that my doctor would laugh at me. We've all had those dreams where everyone we know is laughing and pointing at us, weather we were naked at school or what ever. These dreams have always plagued us. Sadly mine wasnt a dream, I was awake awaiting the horror of my fears to come true. I can remember it clearly, I looked nothing like a woman. I looked like an overweight guy going through a midlife crisis. I wore a pink button up shirt and blue jeans, the only part of me that resembled the female sex was the color of my shirt.

I had never cross dressed before nor had I seen a therapist about this condition, I had high blood pressure and ulsors from stress. Every sound echoed through my mind of what someone might say. You have to realize at this point I was a 430lb male who was on the maximum dosage of anti depressants that the government could legally give someone. Before this year I never though that this was even possible. I had excepted the fact that I was dead inside and only still alive to raise my three kids. I had dozens of razorblade scars all over my right ankle from slitting my ankle open just to feel pain and see myself bleed to numb the mental anguish i was living with.

So I walked into the clinic, my eyes darting back and forth from person to person like a schizophrenic humming bird. My eyes wide looking for any one who was like me, someone I could confide in. Someone I could hide behind. I was the only one...

As I got into my doctor's office I waited for what seemed like hours, but just then, she walked in. I'm Dr Becker" she said, "I'm transgender as you can obviously tell." I was shocked at how open she was and how non-shilaunt she was about it. Yes I could see what she meant by "as you can obviously tell" she had a deeper voice and had alot of masculine features remaining from her transition. We began talking about what hormone therapy was, asking me what all I knew and what I was expecting. At first she seemed reluctant in prescribing the hormones to me but she could see it in my eyes, just how broken I really was.

It use to be that a patient would have to see a therapist first then get written approval from that therapist to start hormone therapy. In my case I kinda skipped that step, and while it was no longer a law requiring that step most doctors still followed it. Dr Sara Becker acknowledged the risk of prescribing hormones to this guy she just met and decided to go ahead and start me off with a half dosage of estrogen. She explained to me that if all went well then in 4 weeks she'd see me again and increase the dose. But she wanted me to see a therapist within that time and still get a note stating I was at least under thier care.

A month later, and I blush now because of how rediculous I must have looked. I returned to Milwaukie wearing a dress, a dark brown almost black wig, makeup and earings. I must have been the poster boy for drag queens because it was obvious. My wife came with me to meet Dr Sara Becker and we both had high hopes she'd start me on the full hormone dosage. Now bare in mind I have nothing against wigs or anyone who wears them, and on some people you cant tell, but there are alot of people that are quite obvious. I learned later what the "obvious" guys dressed as girls were called later on that year, they call themselves transgender but thats a nice way of confusing everyone else. I'm talking about Crossdressers/Transvestites. A crossdresser is a man who dresses as a woman with no intentions on changing their sex, nor even going through hormone therapy. They are your typical drag queens and the center of confusion from public eye. I have nothing against crossdressers other then the fact they skew the publics perception on what a transgender is. I later found out that transgender is an extremely broad term kinda like the word human is when talking about different nationalities. Transexual was the actual term for someone actually changing sex.

Anyways from that day on I was on the full horomone therapy regimen (both estrogen and anti androgen/testosterone blocking meds). Looking back now the first thing that comes to mind is "wow what a rollercoatser of emotions."

--At the end of the first month I already started developing breasts, they were very small buds but noticable none the less. I was not into men, the thought of anything intimate happening with a man repulsed me, I was very much a lesbian. As far as standing to pee I have no idea when I was no longer able to do that since I stopped doing that well before I was on hormone therapy.

--At the second month I was noticably infertile, my seamen became completely clear and the consistancy started changing to more of a lubricant.

--Third month my breasts were obvious to others, I had to stop wearing a sports bra and start wearing a real bra. After my sports bras my first real bra was a very padded c cup, while my breasts were only a small b I needed the c due to my weight/width. I also had successfully dropped over 100 lbs of weight, but bare in mind that was from serious (and possibly unhealthy) dieting and exercise. Sex life slowed down to a near hault, neither one of us in the mood at the same time and sex just wasnt as important.

--Fourth month I had gone through such a dynamic roller coaster of emotions I stopped dieting and consentrated on other things. I also started finding men attractive and considered the thought(s) of intimacy with a man. Breast development increased quickly and that padded c cup began fitting more correctly. I could no longer orgasm like a male would, orgasms were in the brain versus in the pants. My penis also started shrinking drastically. Feminine features were so prominent, I no longer was mistaken for being a man when I had make-up on. I also began having menstral cycle symptoms, I would retain water, cramp, and become irritable.

--Fifth month breast developement continued as did the immense emotions, I found myself crying all the time. I was also facing alot of rejection from my external family (mom/dad/sister/brother/etc). My voice also seemed to change in timbre and pitch, ever so slightly but it was obviously more feminine.

--Sixth month I was a wreck, completely stressed out and a stomach riddled with ulsors. I had to be rushed to the Emergency Room due to crippling stomach pains. The stress, anxiety, and depression came from my external family's rejection and ridicule which mainly came from my mother and oldest sister. Also lost significant muscle control in my penis, could no longer urinate without wiping afterwards. I did however notice a heighth decrease, originally I was 6'4" but I was now only 6'2" with shoes on! I seemed to be shrinking, not much but it was something!

--Seventh month we moved from Oregon to Arizona to get away from the negativity, rejection, and stress. The reason we went to Arizona of all places was my wife's mom lived there. She is an amazing woman and endlessly accepting. My breasts seemed to become increasingly sensitive as they had been this entire year but more so due to growth. Seamen was no longer seamen, it wasnt tacky or thick, infact it was identicle in every way as far as my wife and I could tell to her body's own natural lubricant. Sexual attraction grew stronger and sex life with wife picked back up slightly, orgasms were completely different then they had ever been taking longer to get there and lasting alot longer. Sexual intercoarse was still possible but it became increasingly more difficult with my penis shrinking even more.

--Eighth month I am totally into men, still into women but when I looked at a woman the first thoughts were longing or wanting to be her not be with her. True desire for a man's touch started to grow and I no longer had any visible exterior masculine features. My penis and testicles shrunk so much that they were completely invisible outside my panties, my testicles were able to slip back inside my pelvic bone where they were before they dropped as a baby. My penis could almost turn inside-out and none of it resembled much more then loose skin.

--Ninth month I was no longer being mistaken as a man (such as he/him/sir) without makeup on, weather I wore makeup or not I was always called miss/mam and she/her. Only super rarely was I called a he at first glance and that was only due to my height (6'2''), once who ever was talking to me actually looked at me they'd always correct themselves, sometimes even appologize for their mistake. My desire to become pregnant, carrying a baby within me grew stronger. Mentral cycles were more obvious and I began spotting blood which I found out wasnt normal since actual mentration blood loss is not suppose to happen with MtF.

--Tenth month I no longer felt uncomfortable around others and being a woman was as if it had always been this way. My voice was no longer mistaken as masculine or male and I could hold full conversations without a worry. I still seemed to cry alot and could burst into tears at any second of the day. My overall happiness was through the roof and I was so comfortable being me I started seriously applying for a new job.

--Eleventh month my desire to be with a man has grown, I definately was no longer a serious lesbian but bisexual. Wife and I started seriously discussing meeting guys, not seperately but together a Ménage à trois in otherwords. Of coarse it would not be sexual until after my surgery but intimacy can exist without sex. I also landed my first job and 3 days later I fell off an 18' ladder and screwed up my back....again. I also had my first and second drug test (urinating in a cup, oh what fun) apparently they wanted to make sure I wasnt stoned when I fell off the ladder. Silly Wal-mart I was only stoned after I fell off the ladder and my very nice doctor gave me vicotin for my back pain....... mmmmMMmmmm vicotin *drool*!! Ok ok I'm not a junkie or that bad but when your in pain... the good stuff makes a difference, and when you cant have the good stuff, vicotin works just as good. Do vicotin pezz dispensers exsist?

--Twelth month I look into the mirror and see a gorgious woman staring back at me, I feel whole. I got my roots redyed, my eyebrows dyed and waxed. I never thought eyebrows as sexy but wow, I'd definately do me! Met a guy, seems nice, we've talked alot and he knows my full situation. We might go out sometime, I hope it goes well and I definately look forward to it. Also according to the state of Arizona and the US Government (and IRS....) my wife and I are no longer married. We are single, so for all you guys and girls in Arizona that want to hit on me.... I'm available lol, but you have to be into threesomes because my wife and I are glued at the hip.

Well thats a recap on what has happened this year, a little to much detail maybe but also very interesting information. I will blog more often this month and keep you updated with progress as well as events.

Love yas, XOXOX
Sara

January 21st, 2011

2011-01-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

Could he be cuter!?

This past year has been rough, and I have noticed my blog posts have gone kinda south in usefullness and interest, or at least to me they arent quite what I wanted them to be when I started this. So starting February 2nd, 2011 I am going to be blogging alot more personal information. Subjects that will talk more in depth about the changes my mind and body have gone through. Things between obvious physical changes to the deepest intimate details that those of us whom are or will be going through this want to know but dont know who to ask.

So thats the plan for 2011, more scientific and theraputic blog posts.. maybe some steamy ones to ;)

Until then I'd like to elaborate on this post's title "Could he be cuter!?" I am talking about Bear Grylls (left) and Jared Padalecki (right). Bear Grylls, originally from Northern Ireland is the host of a TV show called Man vs Wild. Now I know what your thinking, sure he's kinda cute but really? Bear's sex appeal isnt just his looks but his personality, and his talent. Jared Padalecki, who plays "Sam" in the tv series Supernatural has enough sex appeal simply from his looks. Give me one night, just one night with either of them post my surgery and I'd be a very happy woman. Between the two I actually like Bear Grylls better mainly because of his personality and talent in being able to survive anything and kick anyones butt if need be. Just the kind of guy to protect his girl. Now my wife on the other hand prefers Jensen Ackles (below) who plays "Dean" on the series Supernatural. I have to agree with her Jensen is knee buckling as well but I like Bear and Jared are more for my tastes.

She also loooooooooves Jared Leto, the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars, a rock group that started in 1998 but is best known in the 2005-2011 area. He is also an actor and in several movies (right).

Well all, next time I blog should be February 2nd, 2011, so until then XOXOX and a little extra X's for the two gentlemen listed above.

XO,

Sara

January 17th, 2011

2011-01-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

New Year, New Changes, New Job?

As you might recall almost three years ago I injured my back in a car accident and wound up losing my job. My job was to drive and I wasnt physically able to drive (you may recall from my previous posts) I have been unemployed ever since. Its not for a lack of trying, ok maybe it was for a little while during my first year of transition due to extreme hormone levels and low self esteem. But never the less I was actively looking but finding work as a transgender in her first year of transition... well people werent as receptive as we'd all like. Next month (February 2nd) is my first year of transition (hormone replacement therapy) anniversary/birthday. With this last year gone by and the hormones have made drastic changes I not only look as I should but I feel wonderful! So this brings me to the good news that I have been dieing to tell you. I got a job!!

Ok dont get to excited its only with Wal-mart and its a minimum wage entry position, but its a job! A fresh start and my first job I have ever had (as a woman), gosh I hope I dont get to friendly at work and tell any of my co-workers of my blog. See I tend to over share and I get overly friendly, not in a weird way just a happy-go-lucky way. Anyways so I am 34 and its my first job more or less so its a great start! I feel like a teenager again, but thats probably just the hormones getting me all giddy.

I already did the drug test and am now just waiting for orientation to start, wish me luck because I need it, I have a long ways financially till I can afford my SRS and I needed it done a year ago. Well thats all for now, love yas!

Sara

December 27th, 2010

2010-12-27T15:42:00.000-08:00

What's my birthday?

Hi all, sorry I havent written in a long time. Between moving to Arizona then within Arizona in Peoria to Surprise (yes thats actually the name of the city, Surprise!?), and with the holiday season... well that about sums up my excuses for this month. Now that the holiday season is over and life returns to normal I can breath and take control of my free time. So without further adu and no longer guilding the lilly, I bring to you this month's blog post titled, What's my birthday?

Now this post isnt about guessing my birthday or anything its more of a deeper thought into what or when for that matter is my real birthday. Let me explain: On December 28th, 1976; I was physically born... imperfections and all, so logically my birthday is December 28th? However on February 2nd, 2010 I began my hormone replacement therapy, transitioning from the man I was forced to be into the woman I was born to be. So on February 2nd, 2010 I was born again, taking control of my life and doing something about the situation I was in rather then to give up and let the world consume me.

To me February 2nd, 2010 feels more like a real birthday then my original birthday does. Yes tonmorrow I'll be 34 yet I cant help but ponder the fact that I'll simply be 33 years of numb, lifelessness and 10 months of true life. I dont like birthdays in general because the only thing you celebrate is how old your getting and while its exciting and great when your young... as you get older it begins to mean less each year. But a Rebirthday, now that sounds exciting! A celebration of not how old you are but how much you've accomplished. A celebration of living proof that you've taken control of your life and against all odds shown the world exactly who you really are!

So this year I am going to celebrate my birthday on my real date of life, the day I took my first true breath. The day I first opened my eyes to the real world and my true self. If your in Arizona or will be in the beginning of February 2011, I'd like to invite you to my birthday party. It will be a celebration of life and ambitions of not only myself but all of those whom have come before me and after to be reborn again.

XO,
Sara

November 11th, 2010

2010-11-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

The End and The Beginning

Its hard knowing just what to say when someone dies, weather they were close to you or someone you barely knew. Funerals always make me depressed and to bury someone that recently was up and alive, now lifeless and cold. Well sadness and depression is one thing not happening today! Today I burried the final remnance of my "brother" (my old self) by finally getting my new glasses!

Sorry if I made this post sound dark and gloomy at first, but it sucked you in to read more, mwahahah, ok well anyways. I feel alive, able to breath and finally feel as if I should, as if I am who I should be. Coarse I have a long ways till my final goal but to sever the final remnance of what should never have been is simply a feeling I could only wish everyone could feel. I have to admit, this transition is and will be the greatest journey I have and will ever embark on. To feel in a different way then I have ever before, to experience sensations and emotions that were never within my grasp before now. I'd love nothing more then to go into great detail of all that I am going through, but some of m experiences are not appropriate for this blog. However I may start my adult blog soon so that I can share these moments. Nothing perverted, just completely real and innocent.

Anyways without further adu I give you my new picture (yea its alot lower quality and tiny for some reason then I wanted, I'll be getting professional pictures done next month).

My previous picture was extremely higher quality and photoshopped, one thing I never heard was anyone mention the two sides of the picture. Apparently everyone assumed the right was me before transition and left was after transition. I never explained it in detail because no one asked, the person on the right was me (about 7 months ago) and the person on the left is a woman named Jonsu. She is the lead singer in an all female rock group called Indica. She is how I want to end up looking like when my transition is done (even if I need facial reconstruction). That picture was to symbolize the me now (7 months ago) and the me in the near future (near being a few years, takes up to 5 years for estrogen to completely feminize the face and only 3 years for the rest of the body.)

Yes I am overweight and I think I am quite unattractive despite what others tell me. I have low self esteem and serious self confidence issues. If you've been reading my blog you already know why, has to do with my external family (mom, dad, sister, etc) and years of verbal abuse. So it took alot of courage for me to post this picture, I'd prefer to be viewed as and remembered by the other picture but as I continue my transition I need to celebrate every moment and not hide from it all. That is why I posted my new picture, love me or hate me as I always say. Temporarily my transition photos have been taken down, they've been hiding for several months now. I might put them back up adding my newest picture with them but my problem is I want to forget the past not be reminded of it.

Imput on this would be great! Post your comments and let me know what you think of everything. My newest picture, my desire to bury the past, etc. Also I want peoples opinions on which image I should use for my profile, the old picture or the new one?

XOXO,

Sara

PS: I have gained a few pounds (10lbs) since my last picture due to anxiety and depression from everything and moving down to Arizona. Since I have been here I've been more worried about adjusting and such that I have slacked off and well gained the weight. But fear not, its coming off again and continueing. We are significantly happier here in Arizona and only thing in my way now is time.

November 4th, 2010

2010-11-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

New Picture Coming Soon!!

Hi guys, I know I have been talking about it for a while now but its finally coming, new pictures! I got a cell phone a couple days ago, its the newest andriod phone on the market (OMG I am in love with this phone) effectively its a laptop computer only mini sized with no buttons, the entire screen is a touch pad. Anyways it has a camera on it thats quality is extremely good.. soo I am having my picture taken but not till my new glasses get here. I am still wearing my old glasses (men's yuk) so I went and got a new prescription and frames which will be here in 3-7 days. The frames are pink! and super cute! So once they get here I'll get all dolled up and snap a few shots for my blog. Only down side is I havent lost anymore weight since my last picture, the stress of moving and family issues etc etc have only caused me to gain weight. But now that things have calmed down and I am back in my routine I am loosing weight again so I'll be bikini body ready in a year. Anyways aside from the new phone, and $400 glasses (ug my pocketbook still hurts) not much else has happened. Just living life one day at a time and enjoying every minute of my transition.

Its rather rewarding seeing just how much changes from taking estorgen and anti-androgens, I havent talked about detailed changed on my blog yet due to the fact they are rather personal and graphical details. However, I am thinking of opening an adult section on my blog where I can talk about these things. Things such as breast growth, muscle growth (in different areas then a man would have) as well as chemical changes I have gone through. But thats all in consideration and planning, dont know if I will do that or not, post replies here or email me at Saraphiene@live.com and let me know your opinions on this idea.

As always extreme XOXO's to you all,

Sara

October 31st, 2010

2010-10-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

A night to remember...

Wel its halloween and I am excited, alot has happened in the past month but it all comes down to what happened last night and what will happen tonight *wink*. Last night a sweet friend of mine picked me up and took me on a girls night out on the town. She showed me alot of Phoenix and even took me out to dinner, which by the way I strongly recommend eating at Ticoz Resturaunt in Phoenix! I was overly nervous that night because the last time I went "out" was my 21st birthday and even that was just to a crappy bar. Dinner was great and the atmosphere was priceless, the staff was extremely friendly and over all people just seemed to be having a really good time all around.

After dinner we went to a night club, before I continue I should let you know that I am a Night-Life virgin, I've never been to a night club and the last time I danced was at my high school prom. So needles to say I was very excited but also nervous. My anxiety shot up for a moment until we got in and I saw everyone was in halloween costumes, and most of them seemed rather inebriated which for me was great because if they couldnt tell I was once a guy (my biggest fear, that someone will find out) that it wouldnt matter since it was all costumes and stuff. If they didnt find out then I was just another girl, cute but a overweight (still.. I know I know, i'm working on it).

So into the dance floor went, I kinda bopped back and forth the best I could but really had very little idea of what I was doing. A cute couple that we had seen earlier in the club was with us and after I confessed that this was my first time they started dancing with me. The guy.. I think his name was Rick or something.. very cute guy showed me a few moves and got me started for any basic song. We all danced together and as the evening progressed Rick started dancing closer, I was taken back since I have never danced with a guy let alone had much practice dancing. Then this tall cute black guy comes up and starts grinding with me. I laughd and loved it, he eventually took a beaded necklace off around his neck (he had a dozen of them) and placed it around my neck, it was kind of like the mardi gras beaded necklaces. It was just a peice of plastic but it made my night, for the first time I truely felt like a woman, a woman being eyed by guys. Sure I wasnt the prettiest nor the thinnest but it was just fun.

Now I've never kissed a guy before, and before I started my hormone replacement therapy I wasnt even interested. Since then my attraction to men has grown imensly and while dancing there were only two things on my mind; one was how much I really wanted to kiss one of these two guys I was dancing with.. nothing preverse and the thought of anything further never even surfaced, but a kiss, that idea danced in my head to the beat of the music. The other thing on my mind was how much I wished my wife/husband (I get confused really what to call her now but my spouse anyways) she would have loved this place and she probably would have pushed me further to dance more or.. well do more.

We called it a night early, it was almost midnight and my head was throbbing. I think the headache came about because I drank a peach mojito, which also was my first drink in many years. And...I'm not suppose to be drinking to begin with, it doesnt mix well with some of the meds and such I am taking (basic anti depressants etc... ok ok, slightly more then basic but you get the idea). I felt bad asking my friend to drive me home early, she looked amazing and was getting alot of attention, I only wish I could pull off the dress she was in! OMG! Well back to my strict exercise and diet regimine, I lost 100lbs early this year.. no sense in quitting now. My goal is to be in a bikini looking hot as hell in two years.

Well that was last night, tonight I have nothing planned except for taking the kids trick or treating, but thats always fun and who knows maybe afterwards I can con my mother-in-law to watch the kids and I can take my wife to the night club I went to last night. By the way the night club was called Amsterdam and I highly recommend checking it out, very cool club. There were three bars, one in the dance floor area, one on the patio area and the main one just inside. The main one I liked best because it was very gothic looking, they had these really cool black statues on the counter and it just gave me that gothic feeling. Ok well I rambled enough so I will end with a two word thought.... The Kiss

XOXO,

Love you guys, Sara

PS: A special thank you to my new friend Stephanie, thanks for the great night!

October 30th, 2010

2010-10-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Kill ~~Bill~~ Patrick

Ok I'll start with saying that this post is really going to be nothing more then a rant. So if you wish feel free to avoid this post, however if you wanna see me rant and laugh at someone's expense whom deserves it.. read on.

Since your still reading let me explain who Patrick is, he's my father-in-law but he's really an immature leech married to my mother-in-law. No he isnt my wife's father, he's 10 years younger then my wife is. My mother-in-law whom I love very dearly met this guy years ago online, she was divorced and aside from the age difference which really doesnt matter they were a good match.

Or so we thought... Patrick is nothing more then a whiney immature ass-hat who tries to control everyone and everything. When he doesnt get his way he throws a temper tantrum and storms off acrossed the house, he stays home, doesnt work though he claims once a week he goes to work.. work is him going to his mom's house or her office and plugs a computer into the wall. Seriously people I'm not kidding its that bad, otherwise he just sits on his ass at home and demands his wife to do everything. His wife, my mother in law works 10 hour shifts then comes home, cooks, cleans and tends to his every whim. Patrick doesnt even put his dishes in the kitchen.. he leaves them around the house waiting for his "wife" to pick up after him. My mother-in-law puts up with him for only god knows why. And to top it off he yells and cries if someone leaves a dish on the table while they go to the bathroom.....

See we moved to Arizona to stay with them for a month or two until we got our own place, my first thought and action was that of gratitued and we walked on egg shells for him. First thing he says when we got here a month ago, literally as we pulled up in the uhaul is "dont get to comfortable you wont be here that long." Then he proceeds to count down the days and hours till we "leave". None the less I was endlessly polite to him, I did everything humanly possible to be kind to him, I am not a confrontational person so when things got bad I'd simply go to bed early and cry myself to sleep (lots of stress, but believe it or not this is better then what I left in Oregon).

Now dont get me wrong I am extremely grateful we had a place to go to when we got to Arizona.. otherwise we wouldnt have come to begin with. The cost of moving was sickening so we've been totally broke since we got here. But let me clarify my gratitued goes to my mother-in-law, and only her. Its been almost 4 weeks and I have been polite and quite, never stepping on any toes but now that I am having homocidal fantasies where Patrick dies in many ways... I think its time for me to vent. Now am I being serious on killing him? No! of coarse not, but I can dream cant I? Well at anyrate everytime he opens his big mouth he sends anger through me so intense my right arm shakes, I want to deck the fucker. Sorry for my language, I restrained alot.. trust me. He cant even pick up the damn phone to call in refills for his prescriptions! He whines and moans about how low his meds are getting (when we actually remind him to take them, kinda like giving meds to a dog.. the dog wont do it them selves and has to be hidden with food.. same situation just about.) He make his "wife" literally do everything for him except spoon feed and wipe his ass.

Patrick isnt any good what so ever for my mother-in-law, I wish I could do something for them but I have exhausted all I could.. The only thing he has going for him more then some of the people I left in Oregon is he actually refers to me as a she (coarse any dog can learn new tricks) took a good bit on conditioning but he refers to me as anyone should (Sara and she/her). Which is infinately better then my family back in Oregon whom REFUSED to call me Sara let alone she/her vs he/him. We wont get into that, my heart still hurts from it all.

I think god hates me which is why I go from bad situation to bad situation, I have alot going for me such as my wife and kids, and my mother-in-law is a sweatheart. So in the mean time I'll sleep well smiling while dreaming of many ways Patrick could die from. (Side note.. havent spit in his food yet...... not going to either because I am not that kind of person but the thought made me smile.) Well if you read this thank you for letting me vent, if you didnt read this then well thank you for...[enter quirky phrase here].

XOXO to everyone else, I'm really a happy bubbley person so dont let this rant scare you away, its a great way to get stress, anger, and depression off of ones chest.

Sara

October 17th, 2010

2010-10-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

Phoenix, to start anew

Hi all, sorry I havent posted in a week but alot has happened. Most transgender end up moving to start a new life once they have begun transition, sad to say its sometimes not an option. For me it was moving to Arizona, someplace no one knows me, someplace I wont be ridiculed by people (family) whom are to stuck on the past and unwilling to be accepting. For a life change, starting completely over whats more fitting then Phoenix, the name itself is what I am refering to. Phoenix, to be reborn, and thats precisely what I am doing. To start I'd like to say how much I love Arizona! No more cold days, no more persistant nonstop rain, and no more humidity!! Ok maybe its not for everyone but I love it here. Currently I am seeking support/social groups in Phoenix to be a part of, I really need more friends and I need to get out. I'd love to go to a club with a group or girls and just enjoy the night!

We are still getting settled in and I havent found much time for my computer, poor computer, he must think I am cheating on him.. ok there goes my dry sense of humor. Anyways I'll blog alot more soon, just need time to get settled and then get my groove back. On a side note my hair is gorgious! its alot longer and I cant stop playing with it, I love being a blonde! Also I have noticed considerable breast developement (as if they needed to keep growing) I was a small c now i'm a well fit C and taking great shape! Anyways for anyone trying to get a hold of me remember my email addy is Saraphiene@live.com

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Love yas!

Sara

October 10th, 2010

2010-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Moving Day

Hi all, just posting to let everyone know whats going on. You probably wont see me around for the next two weeks because we moved from Oregon to Arizona. The move was actually quite stressful as most of you can imagine from my previous posts discussing the idea of moving and why. Two months ago we had decided to move and we told my mom two weeks in advance so they could spend time with us and say good bye etc, yea its hard for anyone to see family move away, but my external family (mom, sister, etc) flipped out! They tried holding an intervention to brow beat me into staying! Coarse thats how they force me to do anything I dont want to, they verbally beat their ideas into you. Anyways like usual I caved and we stayed, I couldnt handle the anxiety and stress.. my stomach is already like swiss cheese due to the alarming number of ulsors due to everything thats been happening.

So two months later brings us to today, we moved! The only difference is this time since I proved my external family couldnt handle this maturely, we simply didnt tell them. I know its bad but have you read my posts? It really was the only option. Anyways so by the time you read this we are already in Arizona getting settled in, once we get there i'll write a letter to my external family and tell them whats going on. Coarse they are going to hate me but thats something I have accepted. If they are reading this, which I doubt, but if they are.. I am sorry, sorry to my sweet sweet sister Marissa, my sister Faye, my brother Joey, my sister-in-law Laura, my nephews Jeffory, Trefor, Tyler, Wilson, Jay-Jay, and my Niece Luci.. I love you all and I will stay in touch. We'll come back next year and visit, infact I plan on coming to see you all every year.

As for my friends Jason and Justin, I am sorry I didnt tell you sooner, I couldnt risk this secret slipping out. Not that it would or what not but.. I didnt tell anyone period so dont feel left out.

Anyways now that I opened pandora's box.... the secret's out and no turning back. I wish this didnt have to be this way but I already tried this the responsible way by telling people weeks in advance but they couldnt handle it maturely. For those that the immaturity issues doesnt apply, I am so very sorry.

XOXO

Sara

September 20st, 2010

2010-09-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

Tá ár n-uaillmhianta aisling

Tá ár n-uaillmhianta aisling, is Gaelic (Irish) for "Dreams are our ambitions" which I thought was appropriate for today's blog post. Must like every single woman, trans or not, the reflection in the mirror is far worse then how I want to look. I guess this is true for anyone but for me I am going from something I despise for being it for far to long. I guess the best way to compare it would be taking clay from the ground, dirty and unrefined, and going to an amazing porcelain work of art, and I am still in the clay stage. Perhaps refined, all the impurities are gone and I am starting to take shape but when I look in the mirror I see what I dont feel. Anyways my point to all this is for us to dream, our dreams are our ambitions. So if we are going to strive for something then dream.. dream big because the bigger you dream the stronger your ambitions will be to get you there.

Sure the path will be blocked countless times with insecurities and depression but the dream will never fade. Below is a picture of a model/actress from Italy who I could only dream to look like, but then again isnt that the point? To dream and strive to become?

This is how I see myself, but when I look in the mirror I am brought back into a reality check. However, to have a body like hers while its alot of work and rather aiming a bit high is my passion. I want, no...I will look like this one day. I will be beautiful for I am a woman with a dream that will become reality with hard work and devotion.

Which brings me to the other subject I wanted to blog about. A couple weeks ago I went to see my endocrinologist, Dr Sara Becker. I was very excited to see her since it had been 6 months. The appointment went very well and she complimented me on how nice I looked several times. But the really good part was when she told me I passed, that I passed very well. To me that was a ray of sunshine, to have a medical professional who specializes in this transition to tell me I pass. Now for those of you new to your change or non-transgender, to be told you pass is the greatest compliment a transgender could ever be told. It means that you pass as the genetic sex your transitioning into, in other words my doctor was telling me I passed very well as a woman. I tell you I had a smile on my face for weeks, now why did it take me so long to post such vitally important information? New school year, kids are back in school and life just got ever so busy.

I promise I'll try and post more often and as I have been saying for a while, I promise to get new pictures of myself very soon. I think I might go in and have them professionally done, either just me or my whole family, at either rate you'll be able to see my progress. Bare in mind I am not anywhere near the weight I want to be but my features are curving and as I have been told countless times by friends and now my doctor... I PASS!!

With lots of love,
Sara

PS A special shout out to my friend Kristy whom I havent spoken to in a couple weeks, so with that.. I'm sorry Kristy! XOXOXO

August 24th, 2010

2010-08-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

News Post

Sorry for the simple post just letting everyone know of the new things I have added. As you will see there are 2 new banners for Indica, one above this and one on the bottom left. On the top right you will see ♪♫ In Passing ♫♪, and the bottom right you will see several other new music videos, we hope you enjoy! Also moved the donation box below the table of contents on the right hand side for aesthetics. I'll post soon!

August 20th, 2010

2010-08-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

The Greatest Roller-Coaster,

...you don't want to be on.

Mood swings, we've all had them but have we had them all? It seems like a silly statement but its really closer to the truth then we'd like. As I go through my transition I have noticed drastic mood swings. Days where I am happy and cheerful, days where I am crabby and quick tempered, and then the worst days... the days I am depressed. Any number of things can effect our mood swings and those going through a similar transition will notice the drastic increase of mood swings.

In short they aren't fun but they do play a vital role on our development but the difficult thing is how to deal with them. When multiple woman live together their bodies start to grow in sync, between menstruating to lactating. Since my transition I have noticed my body creating menstrual symptoms that show up a day to days before my wife's does and on some occasions days after instead of before. I get more moody and its extremely obvious, I retain water, cramps, and migraines. While I don't bleed because I don't have a uterus (yet! one day technology will advance to uteran transplants!) I still exhibit all signs of having a period.

So with these mood swings due to hormone levels I've started taking some precautions, it sounds funny almost like a werewolf but hang around me on my worst days and you wont think the werewolf mentality is far from the truth. So lets call it Weregirl mode, mainly because a Weregirl isn't as scary as a Werewolf, anyways back on subject. When these mood swings happen and then when they are over I look back and think "why did I do that?", "did I really say that?" Its very much like a Werewolf, some vicious beast taking over.

Now its really not THAT bad but I'm a drama queen so let me live in my own little world and exaggerate things a little. When these mood swings start coming on I take little precautions, mostly small things to prevent me from being irrational such as any large decision making. When I'm a Weregirl I refuse to buy anything and try to avoid emotional situations with people I care about. When it comes to emotional conflict such as what someone said I try and write it down or push it aside so that I can shrug it off and wait till the next day (or week depending on how long the mood swing is). Then when I am no longer a Weregirl I can look at the situation and deal with it properly, especially emotional conflict or purchases, because nothing makes a girl feel better then shopping or chocolate and usually in that order.

So for all us Weregirls out there, its a wild roller coaster ride and while we may not enjoy the downs.. hold on tight because the ups will make you scream with joy!

Love,

Sara

August 18th, 2010

2010-08-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Interview

I have been looking for a job for quite some times now, the economy really sucks and I've now been unemployed for two years (without unemployment benefits mind you). Anyways I got a call back from a company I recently applied to, they wanted an interview! I was so excited I had problems sleeping, the interview was set for August 17th at 6pm, and my nerves were running amuck. This was to be my first job interview since my transition, and because of that I was a wreck.. would they know? would I sound ok? (I havent had voice surgery yet). All these things were racing through my mind knowing that this was my first opportunity in two years I must make the best of it. Anyways so the day of the interview came by, I got ready many hours early just so I wasnt late, make-up was stunning, outfit was great, nerves..... still shot.

So I get to my interview, early, everything seems fine even though I feel as if I'm just a walking joke. I calmed my nerves as best as I could and during the interview I answered every question the interviewer had very quickly and I think perfectly. I was spot on, at least I felt so, and I wasnt the slightest bit nervous once the actual interview started. After it was all over I started to feel dreadul, thinking to myself.. convincing myself that I was the butt end of a joke and they werent seriously interviewing me. I guess I have my mom to thank for my low self esteem "less is more" she says when she's trying to convince me into wearing a grubby t-shirt and jeans without make up.. ie: boy myself down. She really hates my transition but claims she's supportive. Just glad I didnt take her advice and waltz into my interview looking like a hobo off the corner just walked in...

Anyways, the day after the interview I feel better, knowing I did my best and if I dont get the job it was a first experience, I mean quite literally it was my first interview ever since the transition. With luck they'll call me back next week but I'm not holding my breath. Until then I'll keep looking, someday, someone will hire me reguardless of who or what I am.

Love, Sara

August 8th, 2010

2010-08-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

♪♫ Set apart this dream for me. . ♫♪

When I first started this change I felt that I was in a nightmare, suffocating... drowning, but as my transition progressed I started seeing everything differently. Colors seemed brighter, future seemed hopeful, and music sounded clearer. Sure my transition was laden with stress and anxiety but no matter how difficult things got every day seemed to get that much brighter. I look back today and remember all the strife and heart ache I went through and yet none of that matters anymore. No matter how grim things got or how depressed or stressed out I got, ever day was progress.

(click on the play button at the top of this post)
I am truly amazed how much the human body changes, very much like a caterpillar within its cocoon changes dynamically into a butterfly. This is something most people will never truly see but for those of us fortunate enough to experience what seems to be a nightmare, yet gradually shifting, altering into the most amazing dream-come-true anyone could conceive.. for those few special people, cherish this time. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day you will have the clarity I do to be able to step back and see how truly amazing this is.

I use to tell people that while I never have a single regret of this change, not one, I would not wish this upon even my worst enemy. I tell them that the pain, anguish, and despair of being incomplete and yet to feel socially unacceptable for this feeling is something no human being should have to endure. Now while it is true that I have never had a regret of my transition I cannot look back and truthfully say that this was so horrible. Yes I wish I had been born the correct gender, yes I wish I had the childhood I should have as a little girl, and yes I wish I was the woman I know I was meant to be. I cant help but to be thankful I am able to see a side of life that is beyond words, a beauty of life that I.. one of the rare few selected gets to see. Oh yes my past was dark but my future is so illuminated, flooded with joy and wonder in which makes everything I have and am going through worth it all.

That my dear sweet friends is a dream one should share with others. So to all of my brothers and sisters whom are going through this transition, cherish this and share it with those whom are not as fortunate as we are.

Ever learning and always shining,

Sara

Agust 3rd, 2010

2010-08-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

The Blushing Bliss

I've never truly thought of myself as attractive. I've had people tell me I was but I never really felt it. I've felt attraction to others, but the emotion of a blissful blush is one thing I haven't experienced. Its funny how the smallest things in life make the largest impact in your life, last night my family and I went out to get dinner. It was nothing fancy and something we never do, we went through a fast food drive thru. I don't get fast food very often (weight/diet and all) and normally prefer to cook anyways but tonight we did this. So as we got to the window I went to get my visa from my purse. I then realized I had made a mistake and left my visa at home, I quickly counted the money I had but I did not have enough for the order. I had most of it but still more then a few dollars short. I looked up at the man and politely asked for him to take away one of the things I ordered but before I could finish my sentence he looked at me in the eyes and told me not to worry about it as he smiled. I was rather shocked, I mean if your a penny, nickle, dime, heck maybe even a quarter short, it can be no big deal, but....

I widely smiled and thanked him by name, he was rather cute. So you tell me, was he just a really nice guy or was there something more behind his smile and generosity.

When I started my transition I was extremely certain that I was a lesbian. I was happily married to a woman whom I am only complete because I'm with her. Its been 8 months since I started my transition and the feeling of only being attracted to women has changed. Not completely, I am attracted to women but at the same time the first thought I have when I see an extremely attractive woman is how badly I wish I was her or looked as she did. Yet when I look at a man I don't see just some guy, but I see his subtle features, his smile, his eyes and the strong arms he could hold a woman with. I have come to now understand that I no longer consider myself a lesbian but bisexual, I still can see the beauty and sensualness of another woman's body, the way her lips move, her touch, the sound of her breath. However, the alluring images dancing around my mind of the gentle caress of a cute guy holding me, dance through my mind..

I wonder many nights what it would feel like to be kissed my a man, to be held, to be protected and loved. I can feel my breath taken away with his very touch, and the thought of him being with me in the deepest way a man can with a woman feels like soft whispers carried by the wind as the wind roams acrossed my skin sending chills up my spine causing me to crinkle my toes with a shutter of bliss I long for.

I close my eyes and can envision my future like a poem written by a lover awaiting the return of her other half from a long journey apart. My wife is my soul mate, my best friend, and my lover... this will never change, but as my body changes like the scattered pieces of a jig-saw puzzle being effortlessly put back together.. I wonder...... Besides since she and I are both bisexual, who says we cant add a little fun sometime.. I truly pity the man we lure for he cannot resist the nymph I am and the succubus she is!

Your sister,

Sara

August 2nd, 2010

2010-08-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

The Terrorists within Us

Ok I'd like to start off with an apology, my last few posts have been alot more ranting and complaining about the bad things going on instead of the changes and feelings I am going through. This blog originally was more... well just more, so I'll steer this thing to be slightly more Sarasophical (Sara's Philosophy). This should make my posts more meaningful and more informative.

"The Terrorists within Us"... I've always joked about me being my own worst enemy but in reality it isn't a joke, its actually more to truth then we'd like to admit. Every where I go the imminent thought in my head is who's staring at me. I consume myself with so much paranoia that I cause myself more anguish, becoming a terrorist to myself. Sure there are a few negative things in life happening right now but if we become part of that negativity then we are no better then those causing it. I am proud to say not once since my transition have I had someone I dont know comment about me behind my back, yet everywhere I go that's instantly the one thing I think everyone is doing. I've been made fun of and talked about behind my back about being fat most of my life, but since I have lost some weight (more to come) the comments have stopped, and where I anticipated them continuing redirected at my change feeling like everyone sees what I am hiding as if it was a billboard above my head, they simply havent.

I do notice people glancing at me and even sometimes staring, but I am coming to realize the reason for these looks isn't for the reasons I fear. I am 6'2" tall, I'm a tall woman and that is the reason they are looking. Its not a look or stare in humiliation, its actually just the opposite.. for the most part. While I am very tall and still a little over weight, I don't look masculine in any way and am further from looking like a guy then half the women I pass on the street, not that I am passing judgment because judgement is what I am avoiding. One can quickly see the roller coaster of emotions developing from this not to mention the whacked out hormone levels I am going through.

A few days ago I mentioned I had my hair professionally dyed, what I didn't mention is actually the really good part and testament to today's blog. At the beginning of my hair dye session/thingy my stylist asked me what prompted my decision to change (brunette to blonde) and at that second I told her it was just something I wanted to do.. I wasn't about to tell her it was to make me feel and look better because I use to be a guy and had a sex change. Thirty-five minutes later as my hair was under the full head shield blow dryer thingy I called my stylist over and told her the truth, see all this time she was being extremely friendly trying to strike up conversation and I'd shoot it down with the shortest non descriptive answer I could, using as little words as possible because my voice I feel is my worst attribute.

So I told her the real reason for this change was because I had a sex change. Now I anticipated the worst case scenario but in my mind I was already prepared to walk out if such event happened. As the words came out of my mouth I witnessed as one of the best reactions that anyone could ever exhibit to this information. She lit up with excitement and happiness explaining to me how wonderful of news this was and how happy and proud she was for me. Coarse she had a dozen questions, as anyone would but because of my courage and her excitement the rest of the dye session was absolutely phenomenal! We talked and talked about all sorts of things and in the end my hair color came out to a level of perfection I could have only dreamed it to be.

Anyways I'll end today's post referencing back to the title of this post "The Terrorists within Us" because we are our biggest fear, people take what they see at face value and nothing more. Yet we, the ones behind the scenes know what they do not and anticipate everyone seeing this.. its simply not reality. Knowing this sadly doesn't change much, I still feel overly worried someone is going to find out and even though I know how every single person has reacted when I actually did open up and tell them, its still the fear we cause ourselves that makes things so difficult. I've got a long ways to go, physically, and mostly mentally, yet every day is another step closer to becoming whole and I could not be more excited for tomorrow!

Love you all,

Sara

August 1st, 2010

2010-08-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Crash of the Titans

Yea crash not clash, gosh my sense of humor is dry sometimes lol. Anyways, hi all!! I'm so excited to tell you all whats been going on in my little world. The in my last post I mentioned the issues with my mom and our plans to move to Arizona, well theres a silver lining to that dreary cloud of darkness. It seems the idea of moving was frightening enough to my mother to have given her a gentle kick in the butt, while we were and are serious of moving its still nice to see her turn the other cheek and start smiling. Being less negative and more compassionate is very much ideal. As far as moving, unfortunately its being post-poned until further notice, apparently I have some sort of ulcer bug that's chewing happy little holes in my stomach and stress only makes it worse.

Stress for staying but stress on moving is not something my doctor is willing to risk, apparently its bad enough she wants me to stay put for a few months and wait to see what happens. So with that on hold I guess I can concentrate on the positive aspect of my external family (mom/dad/etc).

So why dwell on the positive when I can vent and rant on the negative? I'll start with this and end with the really good juicy stuff at the end.
Mom seems more humble, sister (oldest sister but still a year younger then me) is still completely against all of this and she's starting to voice it. She absolutely refuses to call me Sara even though its been 8 months since I started my change. Now I don't expect everyone to be perfect but she refuses to even try, my wife Teresa answered the phone the other day when Rose called and Rose asked for me by my old name. Teresa replied with {old name} isn't here, but Sara is, Rose snidely barked back saying let me talk to {old name} and totally ignored what Teresa said. But Teresa didn't back down she re-explained that {old name} isn't here and that Rose would need to ask for Sara if she needed me.

My sister's kind of a bitch from whence there is no escape, she's stubborn and doesn't give up on anything. She means well when she's compassionate but otherwise she's a direct clone of the dark side of my grandmother and mother. Even my grampa makes the twilight sound (dodo do do dodo do do) when referring to my sister being so much like my grandmother. So Rose barks at Teresa telling her to let {old name} talk to her and let me tell her to call me by the new name. So I grabbed the phone and politely told her off, the conversation ended with me informing her its been over 8 months and she hasn't even attempted to call me Sara. She still thinks this is a phase or I have some severe mental condition that I'll snap out of any day, little does she know the little mental condition I am supposedly to snap out of snapped 8 months ago was called denial in which I woke up out of and decided to live my life instead of walking around numb and half dead.

Ok that's the gloomy guss of recent activities now for the happy stuff! Yesterday me, my wife, and kids went to Oaks Park (kind of a super mini Disney World, emphasis on mini) They have a few really cool rides though and we all had a blast, I rode on an amusement park ride for the first time in over 14 years. The second we got off I wanted back on again! It was great!

After the amusement park we went to lunch and drove home, along the way I spontaneously decided to go have my hair professionally dyed blonde. Its something I've tried once before but it wasn't professional and a complete nightmare. So we went to a salon and told her what I wanted to do, coming from multi tone red and brown colors to a gorgeous natural looking blonde seems like a feat far to great at first. She agreed to try after I signed a waiver (wait a second I've signed waivers before.. right before something bad happened... eep!)

Anyways long story short she was AMAZING, my hair came out p-e-r-f-e-c-t ! ! ! ! It looks like Katherine Heigl's hair color which I could not be happier with! With the length of my hair, my new hair color and the amazing new makeup we bought. . . I look in the mirror and whoa! I'd even do me I'm that hot!

My hair stylist says I can come back every 6-8 weeks to have my roots redone and with that I now have my new permanent hair color because.... damn! I'll never go back to brown, I have the hair color I have always dreamed of having!

Ok peeps, that's it for now. My mom is going to chime in on how much she'll dislike my new hair color but I don't care, I am finally truly happy! So with that TTFN

Love,

Sara

July 21st, 2010

2010-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

...and life continues

Hello, sorry I havent blogged in a while, up until recently not alot has changed so I waited to post till something important happened. Well that something has happened, though I wish it had not. Well all and all life has been going well, still havent found a job but everything else has been amazing till recently. Ok so heres whats going on in Sara's world;

A month ago I was rushed to the Emergency Room with crippling stomach pains turns out from stress and other things I have several ulsor's and a tear in my upper intestine... who'd a thought stress could actually kill someone. Anyways I've been avoiding stressful activites and situations but that all took a violent slam for the worst a week ago.. My mother wanted to take us (me, my wife and our kids) to the beach for a fun day which I thought was a great idea.

I've known my mother was on the fence with all of my changes so I thought I'd get up a couple hours earlier so I could really look good, hair, make-up, attire... So I got all done up and even in my own eyes I thought I looked really good (remember I've always been my own worst enemy in self confidence). My make-up was perfect, hair was amazing it fell just ever so perfectly, and my outfit was flawless, not to dressy but very nice looking none the less. I had in these little chain danglie earings not very big but pretty, when I got to my mother's house she had a cow.... She forced me to remove the earings, claimed it was improper for the beach. Last I checked there was no dress code for the beach not to mention the fact they were just a quarter of an inch chains dangling down not elegant diamond studded evening gown earings.

Well what ever bug was up her butt I appeased her by doing as she asked, she was after all my mother and taking us all out to breakfast at a casino's buffet. Ok so after this mornings "issue" all seemed well, we get to the resturaunt and oh my was I wrong. The whole time we were there she loudly used HIM and HE when talking about me so others around us could hear.. come on! really? I havent been male for quite some time now and did not look the part, but it was astonishingly embarassing and she persistently used my old name. This coming from the mother whom told me she was "COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE" in the beginning.

It upset me alot but I'm a passive person, she's getting older (still only in her 50's but hey I give her props for old people attitued) so I let it slide after explaining how much that bothered me, coarse she pretended she didnt hear a word I said....we continued to the beach.

Once we got there she decided to stay in the car.... ok but me, my wife and kids all had a great afternoon on the beach. My mother never once joined us on the beach she simply napped in her car, which still boggles me as to why do this whole thing to begin with. I could have just driven my wife and kids myself to the beach that day, kinda wish now I had.

On the way back my mother decided to "talk" with me all the way home telling me how much she disapproved of how I looked and how I should stop wearing makeup all together and just wear jeans and t-shirts. She explained how I could change me but I would never change her and she will never call me anything but my old name followed by HIM and HE. Whats worse is she followed up the "talk" with how I dont look like a woman and never will in her opinion, ultimately explaining to me how embarassingly UGLY I was to her.

I held my tears in till we got home then proceeded to cry for an hour in the shower. My wife and I have been thinking of moving to Arizona where her mother lives for years now, guess we just got a violent shove into a decision. We are moving next month..... With my medical issues from stress I cant handle to continue this, it will literally kill me if I continued. Now I know most of you would be saying that you would have given her hell and told her where to shove it, For some deep imbedded reason I cant and now post my change I am very much a passive person.

I know she'll never read this blog though it was her idea, but if she did she'd see how much damage she's doing to her daughter. Though she'd tell me to suck it up and take some asprin.. thats how she deals with stuff like this, tells the person its all in their head and to get over it. So on August 5th I have an appointment with my doctor and a laser hair removal session on the 15th, we are planning on being on the road by the 18th and to avoid added stress we arent telling her that we are moving till the 12th. Personally I'd rather just move and not tell her till its done, it would alleviate the most stress from me but in my opinion thats rather cruel, coarse nothing worse then the cruelness she's shown me but I'm a better person for telling her and enduring the next 6 days of anguish.

Sorry this post is more ranting and venting then all my others and I appologize for not posting sooner, once we get to Arizona I'll post more and keep you updated. As far closing I'll end like I always have, even as hurt and broken as I am right now...... I love you mom, I always will.
..............I just cant stay anymore.

Love, Sara

May 18th, 2010

2010-05-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

"Congradulations, It's a girl!"

On May 18th, 2010 at 9:00am pst in salem oregon I was pronounced officially and legally female!! All the obsticles and hurdles before me may have slowed me down but never stopped me, I am now as I will always be...a woman. With this last legal obsticle/hurdle complete I can now apply for a new job as I am currently unemployed. Now I will be hired as the woman I should have always been and will always be, this is a monumentus day for me. It's been long in the making and I've spent many years of anguish awaiting this day, and now that its here.. I could not be happier!

To all those whom did not think this was real, or that this was a phase... I have nothing more to say since I already said it to begin with. I do however want to say something else, something important, while my journey isnt finished and I still have a ways to go. I've always told my kids that they could be anything they wanted to be, until this year (January 1st, 2010) when I began my transition, I was nothing more then a liar and a hypocrit. I told my children something I personally did not live by or believe. As of this day I am now living proof that you can actually be anything you want to be.. including whole. I am now whole, I feel as if half of me that was mising all my life is now with me. I breath deeply and feel the air fill my lungs as I have never felt before. The world is brighter and the colors are more viberant, I love my life!

May 14th, 2010

2010-05-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

[Insert inspirational phrase]

I know its been a couple days since my last post talking about the hurdle I was having to redo and wait to see if my therapist would take the appropriate steps to finish what we started. I was very confident he was going to be added to the dmv list, there is no professional reason not to, however he choose not to. He claimed his supervisor wouldnt let him, which the only way that would be true let alone up to a supervisor is if my therapist wasnt actually licensed and was earning credit hours from a supervisor, or if he had some sort of discimination issue. I may not ever know which was the true reason for him choosing to see a gender dysphoric patient but unwilling to follow the law (harry benjarmin international standard of care).

At anyrate I politely asked for my money back from the first session since not only did he not do anything during the session other then learn from what I was telling him about gender dysphoria (he hardly even knew what it was, I had to explain the difference between transgender and transvestite to him). Of coarse he refused to refund the session until I contacted an attorney then he very politely backed down and offered me my money back minus the $36 fee he pays the clinic per patient. Apparently group or organization therapists are very similar to strippers, they pay to perform at the building and then get money for services rendered. Personally if the productivity of a therapist gets as little accomplished as a stripper does I'd rather go see the stripper.

Anyways I took the list of approved therapists from the DMV and emailed every single one of them, explaining my situation, what my therapist did and what I still needed to do. Within minutes I recieved a response from one of them and within the next couple days every single one of them responded. They all seemed to be in concensus about my last therapist having either legality issues (not being licensed) or discrimination issues. All of the 30 therapists I contacted were compassionate and willing to help, most only required seeing me at least once to write my DMV letter, which would cost $120 - $215 for that session. One of them decreased the fee to $30 since I was unemployed, and two others were willing to help me for free to right the unjustice and ease the difficulty this transition bares on its carrier (me).

Filled with love and greatfullness I am estatic to say that tomorrow I am going back down to the dmv (for the 4th time) to have my licensed fixed stating the correct sex (F). For defimination purposes I will not name my old therapist for I dont wish his practice any negative impacts but I will note that if your in a small/smaller town its worth the extra few dollars to drive to a very large city to see someone then it is to stay local and camble your money away with biggots. I'll post more soon, love yas!

May 6th, 2010

2010-05-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Running Backwards

I know its been a couple days since I blogged but alot has happened so I'll have an even better post today for you. Ok first off on Saturday - May 1st, 2010 I finally went to the DMV to have my drivers license renewed into my new name (the only name you all know me as), my wife and I spent the morning fussing over what clothes to wear and what colors of make-up. After we were both gussied up we headed down an hour before they opened so we'd be the first ones in line to make our time there short and simple, and we were the first ones.

After getting my license renewed and changed, the clerk turned the screen to me wanting me to see what he saw and to make sure everything was correct. He was reffering to the "Gender: M" part because obviously I did not look like a "M", I informed him that it was incorrect but... before I was able to finish my sentence which was about to consist of the fact I had not had my actual SRS yet, he turned the screen back and pulled up the gender change information for the state of Oregon.

Apon showing me I found out Oregon is one of the more compassionate states for transgender. See Oregon doesnt require the SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) to consider a woman to be female. They consider her body chemistry and progress to be more then enough proof. I quickly did a mental checklist of everything they requested on their list to have been completed: 1) Started on HRT (hormone replacement therapy).. check, 2) living full time as a woman... check, 3) Seeing a therapist and the therapist sign a letter stating all of the above..... no check.

I was gitty with excitemnt because this meant all I needed was to see a therapist, which was a step I bypassed and really should not have. See the therapist is there to help you get through the really hard times such as realizing what you are, how to tell your family, how to cope and deal with rejection. I've already done all of that, I was seeing a psychologist through the VA (veterans affairs) but her english wasnt the greatest and half of what I told her went in one ear and out the other. She was however the one to write a letter for me to start HRT, though to this day I honestly dont think she had a freakin clue as to what I was talking about or what she was writing.

So I called around to every therapist in Salem, Oregon to find out either no one was taking patients or they hadnt the foggiest what Gender Dysphoria was or what to do for it. Finally one place I called knew what it was and a doctor whom could see me as early as the next day. So all that night I worried wether or not he'd be nice or some old guy looking at me funny, wether he'd be helpful to me or if I'd be wasting alot of money and time.

The next day I went in to my appointment with my wife, an hour later we came out of the session after meeting the coolest therapist I had ever met. He was a younger looking guy, and shockingly easy to talk to. The session ended with my letter for the DMV signed and ready to go, as we scurried as quickly as we could to the DMV to get my license changed before out kids got out of school. For me this was monumentously important because I was unemployed and looking for a job where my resume, application and name on my ID all said female but the one little box on my license that said "Gender: M" opened an antire can of confusion to any suspected employer. Getting this final hurdle completed (only major hurdle before SRS) would alleviate the stress and confusion to employers considering me.

After my car over heating and finally getting to the DMV and waiting almost two hours I found out that only certain therapists are approved by the DMV and none of which exsisted within less then an hour drive from where I was (in a crappy over heating car). My mood crashed like freight elevator without cables, I felt I had just wasted all that money seeing my therapist and I'd have to find a new one in a town many miles away and start the process all over again.. wondering weather I'd find someone as nice as my new therapist was. The DMV was compassionate about my situation and the clerk was really sweet, she printed the list of therapists for me and I went home.

I decided on the drive back to not let this slow me down, the very next day I started calling every therapist on the list I got from the DMV. The first person I called was phenominally nice and explained to me I did not need to find a new therapist if the therapist I was seeing would be willing to take the one tiny simple step to be added to the DMV list. See apparently to be added to that list all a therapist has to do is write a letter to the DMV saying "add me" and thats it... coarse they also have to have seen and/or read the "Harry Benjarmin International Standard of Care" document, which I took the liberty of printing out and adding a cover letter to it then delivered the entire stack of papers to my therapist's office.

Once he, if he's willing to and to be honest I havent a clue why anyone would be willing to see a Gender Dysphoric patient and not being added to the list that qualifies him to treat said patient in all legal aspects. Not to mention he'd be the first and only doctor within 60 miles whom was approved and able to see gender dysphoric patients. Well today is May 6th, 2010 and I anxiously await a call from my therapist (not necissarily today he doesnt work on certain days) hoping this quick fix is the last obsticle in the way of this hurdle of a flaming hoop this girl has to jump through. I have not mentioned my therapists name or clinic yet because I have not asked him if it was ok for me to do so here. Once I do I'll tell you all who he is so you can also benefit from this wonderful and easy to talk to doctor I met.